October 2023

Sunday, October 1, 2023

I had a cold starting yesterday although I noticed it on Friday evening. Still getting over it but I am recovering. It's a 3 day cold.

Maria's death hits me hard and I think I'll be mourning her every day for the rest of my life just like I mourn Herbessa my Guinea pig every day of my life. At one time Maria seemed so alive. I should have called her more often or at all jn the last few years.

At one time she seemed so alive. I spent years with her and on many days, I spent hours and hours with her. Now she's gone. I thought she'd live to 80.

There is no information as to cause of death. She might of died of some congenital medical issue that she would have died from anyways whether I contacted her a lot offer the years or not.

There's at least 20 people in Vancouver who I haven't contacted or called at all over the last few years. I didn't contact so many people from my past over the years. What's one more?

And I thought she had hooked up with some guy. I thought she hooked up with Tony. 

I thought she'd live to 80.

I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life with the haunting knowledge that Maria died. Whenever I think about the fact that she died, it's like a pain in my spirit.

I don't know if I'll ever recover. I had brief flashes of ending my life so I could be with her but that's quite the gamble not knowing exactly how the afterlife works. Me and Maria could be like Romeo and Juliet except Juliet killed herself. Maria didn't kill herself. I think the story went that one thought the other was dead, kills themself and when the other wakes up discovering that the other died, then that person kills themself too. One or the other, either Romeo or Juliet. I don't quite remember. 

"If you kill yourself, you won't be joining your daughter in heaven. You'll be going the other way." Stephen Seagal 

I don't know where anyone goes when they die. I imagine the afterlife to be quite a funky place and not always in a good way. Endless streets and buildings and rooms with snarky people and edgy social situations but with a different set of physics which is a holographic spirit set of physics. One doesn't have to eat or drink or sleep. One can teleport. There is no temperature so one doesn't feel too hot or too cold. If an animal bites, there is a sharp pain but once the animal lets go, there is no more pain unlike with the physics of this dimension, one is feeling the pain of an animal bite for days after the animal has let go. One always looks young and the hair is feathered like they stepped out of a Hollywood beauty salon. Sure but even looking good with the PMH Atwater Master Vibration, snarky people and edgy social situations are a common coefficient or else the lowest common denominator of either dimension. 

I hope Maria is in a good place. But I think that she went to a place that's neither too good and neither too bad either and I think I'll be goinng there too as will all of us. 

This is why I fear death. I fear the unknown. 

Queen Elizabeth once said, "Grief is the price we pay for love."

Maria has the ability to watch me from the other side including watching me look at granny porn. She'd be thinking, "I knew that the dude had issues but I wasn't clear as to what extent. Holy smokes. And I thought I had problems!" 

Tuesday, October 3, 2023

Having gotten over a cold in the last three days, I went to the James Bay Inn today. Then I went to the beach. I went to Oswego video and got the movie Heaven Can Wait. 

A second genital pimple appeared. They usually appear as more than one. I've had them before. It goes away in two weeks or thereabouts. 

I am not aware that I want to give life problems but life seems to like to give me problems. And it is not one problem but a stack of problems at a time. 

- Worries about Heather, her health. Would I have to be working for her for life? 

- Genital pimples. 

- Worries about people at that Church. 

- Maria's death. 

- My upcoming dentures and the out of pocket cost. 

If I didn't have any of those worries, it's the basic default common denominator existential worries of a lousy boring future, losy boring old age, pain and sickness before death and then dying and then what happens in the afterlife. I fear what happens in the afterlife not just for myself, I fear this for the whole human species. When I hear that someone died, I am scared for them. Where did they go? Did they go to some weird disturbing place? The physics of this dimension inevitably leads to a certain set of problems. I'm sure the physics of the afterlife would also lead to certain existential problems. 

Existence is a trap. I fear life. I fear the future. I fear old age. I fear death. I fear the afterlife. 

Life is something that has co-opted me into its processes. I'm not sure that I would choose to be born knowing what I know now. I am in over my head and trapped in existence itself in all its aspects and possibilities and I resent that. I am stuck in skme process I'm not sure I would choose for myself if I had a better choice. But what better choice? What forms would it take? 

God is an organized intelligent force whereas nature and life itself seems to be all random forces. Is it an ordered existence governed by God or is it an existence governed by random forces? Sometimes random and intelligent aren't so easy to distinguish. 

For example when a person throws a small ball into a basket on the other side of the room. On the way to going into that basket, the ball bounces off a cabinet, then ricochet off the back of a chair, arcs to hit a towel rack and then into the basket. Was that a random or an intelligent organized force? God often communicates non verbally through signs and coincidences and serendipity. 

Before it was easier. All I have to do is die or do myself in and that would solve everything. Except now I wonder, as Douglas Bloch said, "What if the afterlife is worse than life?" or words to that effect. So now I have to go on living, fearing. 

Tolstoy said, "All paths of glory lead but to the grave." Ergo life is a raw deal that we've all been given. 

We are all doomed, trapped, in over our heads in this pernicious egregious contrivance called life. 

"Sometimes I wish I was dead." David Horton, The Vicar of Dibley 

That's called fortune telling. It is a delusion that one can predict the future. 

Instead of negative fortune telling, positive fortune telling is, 

My old age will be better than I expect it will. My future will be better than I imagine. 

"The path of the righteous gets brighter and brighter. My latter days will be better than my former days. God has ordered my steps. I have not seen or imagined that good things that God has in store for me." Pastor Joel Osteen 

My death will not be as painful as I imagine. The afterlife will undoubtedly be better than I imagine. 

It doesn't take faith to negative fortune tell but it does take faith to proitive fortune tell. That's the difference. 

Positive fortune telling, negative fortune telling. Either is equally delusional. But negative fortune telling is injurious to the mental health whereas positive fortune telling is psychologically and spiritually healthy. 

The future is like snakes and ladders. Some good things, some bad things. 

In one way the future did turn out to be better than anything I've seen or imagined. Decades ago when I had the black and white Nintendo Game Boy, I never imagined that one day I would have a tablet. A tablet is excellent. Much larger screen, touch screen, thousands of games free to download and install and new and modern up to date games. 

Black and white Nintendo Game Boy games are what. Games from 1995? 

I never imagined that I would have an LG Nano TV. Nano is LG's proprietary technology that basically does the same thing as Sony OLED TVs and Samsung QLED TVs. Same sort of thing. The colors pop and sizzle on the screen. Cities seen at night look spectacular. It looks so beautiful that it's overwhelming. 

I have a 49" LG Nano TV that I got from the pawn store. 

I imagine that my genital pimples could be a result of performing c*nnilingus. 

Michael Douglas wore a T shirt and sold mugs that said, "C*nnilingus gave me cancer." 

But genital pimes could also be a sebaceous cyst or sweat formed cyst. 

The Gardasil 9 vaccine is about $400. What if I don't have HPV and get that vaccine. Wouldn't that be a waste of money? Since the pimes are already there, at this point would it be too late to get the vaccine since a vaccine is a preventative measure. 

I've had genital pimples before. I used benzoyl peroxide shampoo and it worked. I havent had any for two years and now they're back. But they are receding. But not fully disappeared. 

My pimples will heal. I had acne on my face when I was a teenager and I had that often. But I never had severe acne aka pizza face. That level of acne leaves pockmarks on the face for life. 

"By his stripes I am healed. The number of my days God will fulfill. With long life God will satisfy." Pastor Joel Osteen 

Pastor Michael Prince once said that whenever you have a problem, if you don't think about it, it goes away. If you think about it, it seems to take much longer to go away.

Thursday, October 5, 2023

I went out with Heather yesterday. We were downtown for awhile. 

Today is another day. Repetitive. 

Bob MacDonald of CBC Quirks and Quarks is going to give a lecture at the University. The lecture can be seen on YouTube. He talks about how much of the Universe is unknown. 

Things like dark energy and dark matter. 

I went to the dentist yesterday. He asked how I was doing. I said that I was all right. He then asked how I was doing otherwise. I talked about my default fears which is the basic fundamental existential fears of all humans. I said I fear old age, the future, death and then the afterlife. I said that before, I thought I was a Christian but it has recently occurred to me that I am agnostic. Maybe there isn't a God, but maybe there is. 

Maybe there isn't heaven but maybe there is. Nobody knows. 

I was there to get my teeth scanned for my dentures. 

Dentures are the final accoutrement in the last phase of life which is old age. Dentures signify senesence, decrepitude, resignation, denouement, capitulation and dejection. 

But there are young people who have dentures. There are cases on record of that. And they went on to live a long life. 

Anyways, as the dentist was doing the scan, he said to the assistant, "The important thing is not to run the scanner through too much. Just go over the gums and teeth just once or twice. Too many images makes the computer get crazy and nervous and overanalyze."

That was a lesson for myself applied to my fears of life, future, old age, death and afterlife. Try not to think of it too many times. It's a closed loop. Rumination. Same set of thoughts over and over again with no possible resolution. Thinking of that which you can't control always leaves no possible resolution. 

As the dentist was doing the dental scan, he inserted a long bulbous metallic tube into my mouth. 

I thought some untoward thoughts such as, "So this is what it's like to visit Studio 54. Only if you wrap your lips around it." Ugh! Ghastly. Wretched. 

The most intrusive and unwanted thoughts possible. As Freud might have said, sometimes a denture scan tube is just a denture scan tube. 

Intrusive and unwanted thought:

A man once bought a lobster. He raised it in a koi pond just outside his home. 

As time went on, he was able to gain the lobster's trust to be able to hand feed it. 

One day, he thought of the urban legend about Richard Gere about how he supposedly injected cocaine into gerbils and then released the gerbils into a funnel leading to his Hershey highway. 

He then researched on the internet and then discovered to his horror that the actual method involved cutting the legs off the gerbil and bashing in the front teeth and then coating the body of the gerbil with cocaine. There was no mention in the actual method of injecting coke I.V. into the gerbils. 

Cocaine is bad. Malo. Proper and responsible people in South America do not use cocaine but look down on it as bad and sleazy and of the streets. 

This man didn't care about that. 

One day he decided to get a prawn and he intravenously injected it with cocaine. He then decided to also coat the outside of the prawn with cocaine powder. He was thoughtful enough to take the foresight of pouring the powder into a seive above the shrimp and shaking the sieve allowed only the most exquisite and finely granulated powder to fall on the prawn. He decided not to cut off the legs. 

He then inserted the shrimp into his bat cave and lowered his lower body just below the surface of the koi pond. Imagine the indignity of the shrimp while in the midst of the glory of an intravenous cocaine rush to then experience the insufferable ordeal of being shoved headfirst into some noxious toxic crevice. It's not exactly like a dinner and dance show at the Moulin Rouge. 

Used to eating shrimp and knowing it was dinner time, the lobster went towards the wriggling shrimp. The lobster didn't get the prawn the first time and his claws dug into the cheeks the pain of which made the man jump up. These claw digs left red welts that would make it difficult to sit down for two days afterward. 

The lobster then was able to deftly and expertly grasp the wriggling prawn, pulling the head out of its temporary rectal dungeon and then was eating the prawn with the usual motions of a lobster. 

However there were a couple of prawn legs that the lobster missed and these legs were still affixed to his rectum like a cling on having the shape and form of a still moving and wriggling prawn leg. 

Another time, the man decided to repeat the procedure but this this with a small green fish. He injected the fish with the same ecognine as last time and this time, taking a cue from the actual method, he cut the pectoral, dorsal, etc fins off the fish but he didn't cut off the tail fin. As expected the lobster was able to extract the fish but not without the usual misses resulting in additional red welts. 

It got to a point where the lobster refused to eat unless it was fed using this method. 

I saw the movie Equalizer 3 yesterday. Very good movie. The movie makes me wonder if I should move to Europe. 

The movie isn't too believable. I don't know if one person or even a team of CIA agents can end centuries old criminal organizations. These criminal organizations were even mentioned in the Sherlock Holmes novel The Adventure of the Red Circle. 

Gangs are dangerous and scary. Big time. But gangs are also known for doing good things for the community. Biker gangs have a toy donation drive at Christmas. Al Capone used to run some soup kitchens for the poor back in the 1920s and 1930s. 

Denzel Washington is old but he is still a great adventurer. This is an inspirstion to all people who are old or growing old. 

Two days ago, a 70 year old man was picking cans at 10:15 pm at tent city and a gang of surly youths reminiscent of the Graham Greene novel Brighton Rock attacked the old man. 

Picking cans anywhere late at night probably isn't a good idea. Picking cans at tent city at any time isn't a good idea. But picking cans at tent city late at night is a disaster waiting to happen. Those young people were probably the unofficial night watch. A person going through tent city at night picking cans could also be there to steal whatever when the tent city people are sleeping. Whether he was there to steal or not, such actions would rub the gangster instincts of the young people there the wrong way. A person who is 70 years old should know that. He was probably already known to them. This was shown on the News more as a cautionary tale than an actual attempt to locate the individuals involved. 

I saw the first episode of Daryl Dixon. Daryl of TWD gets shipwrecked on the coast of France in this Shakespeare's The Tempest and also Twelfth Night-like opening. He goes on a killing spree killing zombies and survivors alike although these survivors are of a murderous local gang that marks that area as their turf. None are spared, not even nuns in the final tally of characters in the vanquished dramatist personae of the first episode. Daryl is trying to make it back to the States. The scenes are very beautiful and reframes the ongoing story in a different setting. France is very beautiful. The scenes of the nuns and the survivors all in the monastery really looks and feels like France. 

I've thought of visiting France. Or at least I love the vibes and think that France is very beautiful. I think of old beige coloured tall houses with buckets of water and piles of hay. I think of softly spoken French voices. 

My knowledge and grasp of the French language isn't much at all. 

Also the French are very sophisticated and operate in a certain level and I don't know if I am as sophisticated as the French. 

Language barrier aside, going to France is very expensive. 

And I still have some travel anxiety and at age 53, I think I'm too old and past it. 

I'm not too old that if I met any young prostitutes and if I like her and she likes me, I'd be willing to pay her for her services. 

I think my future will be lousy and not worth living and why should I even bother except that I have to go on living. I have to believe that there is a God who does not want anyone to do themself in. And I do believe that there is. 

God reveals Himself in small miracles, serendipities and coincidences because if he revealed the entirety of himself to any one person, that person would be so overwhelmed that they would die. The creator of the Universe with all of its galactic superclusters? That would comprise of a lot of energy. 

Some miracles of Earth's history have been referred to as The Hand of God. 

I went to UVIC today. I got a ticket for the Bob MacDonald of Quirks and Quarks presentation. It's a non credit course. 

At the University, I did my dance moves. I don't know if it's really dancing. Dancing is on a dancefloor at a nightclub with lots of people around. I would call it musically inspired moves rather than dancing. Musically inspired moves can be done anywhere. 

I try to dance in a way that just seeing the moves, you can probably identify the song. It's a firm of channeling I guess. I imagine that as time goes on, my moves and getting deeper into the music is like splitting a sewing needles in half and living down further and further more and more into the centre of it. 

I feel that my musical moves are better than they were two years ago in some je ne sais quoi kind of way. 

Dancing alleviates the existential ennui that pervades the fabric of everyday life. 

Andrew Weil talks about the Weil walk in that dancing while walking cures many ailments of the body. That there is a spiritual component to the cells that make up the body which can detect the presence of gorm and artistic striving. 

Some ladies looked at me and smiled at me. I felt as good as I could about that being at the age of 53, being there for only a few minutes and then possibly never seeing them again and even if I did, I would neither remember or recognize. This town has a lot of friendly people. 

UVIC is a good University. As good as UBC. 

I wore my UBC sweatshirt when I was at UVIC today. UBC is the hard core majorly one but UVIC is very beautiful. 

My musical moves that I did at UVIC were set to a collegiate University theme. 

Going to University is about more than just dancing and partying. That's for people who don't really care if they ever graduate or not. University is about studying and learning and knowing that knowledge well. A little bit of learning is a dangerous thing Drink deep or taste not the Pierian Springs. Well that's the level that a real University student has to apply themself to. I'm old. 53. Just hanging out at a University as a tourist in my own town. Roman holiday. So dancing is all right. My dancing hearkens to a University spirit of an earlier time. 

The music that University students of today listen to is deep throbbing bass house rap and hip hop. Lots and lots of rap. Lots of surly gangster-culture inspired lyrics, lots of slaciousness and profanity. 

I like University music of the 60s including the soundtrack of Animal House. 

I like the 80s University music like Hey DJ from the World's Famous Supreme Team and also music from Ray Parker Jr like Jamie, You Can't Change That etc 

And also modern songs like Fatback - Backstroke, Word Entity - Found That Love etc 

And BB&Q Band - On The Beat. 

I'm too old to go to University. My days of being in my early 20s, University age is gone forever. 

The only way that I and not my reincarnation can be in his twenties again and at the same time go to University too is to hope that University is possible in the afterlife with lots of University music and also dancing. But I think the afterlife will be a murky nebulous sordid primordial place that at its most organized would have anomalous cities as every city is an anomaly, in fact all things are an anomaly. These cities would have snarky people with edgy social social situations. Ergo no University and no music. Just some etherous amorphous non-ending realm that is the afterlife. 

Saturday, October 7, 2023

Stayed home all day yesterday. 

Today, Israel and Palestine's Hamas are at war. Again. What were the chances of that? The region is well known for internecine skirmishes such as the Yom Kippur War and the Al-Aqsa intefada. 

The timing is curious. Hamas attacking Israel may have been doing Prime Minister Netanyahu a favor. Netanyahu is under political seige from his own people for his judicial reforms and there is some kind of tensions in the Knesset against Netanyahu. What tensions I don't know exactly but they are there. The Ben-Gvir coalition crisis and reliance on Otzma Yehudit's 6 votes.* All this is now swept under the rug. This war serves as a red herring or a distraction from Netanyahu's beleaguered crisis regarding the internal politics of Israel in its current state. 

India, Khalistan. Israel, Palestine. You got the same thing going on. Separatism. 

I guess travel plans to visit Israel this Christmas are off. 

*source: As Hamas Strikes Israel, Netanyahu Declares War. Firstpost. YouTube

To get up to speed, Firstpost gave a primer on the region.*

Palestine is comprised of two regions. The West Bank is controlled by the PLO whose leader is Mahmoud Abbas. The Gaza Strip is controlled by Hamas. Up until ten years ago, the PLO also controlled the Gaza Strip but lost control of the area to Hamas. 

Hamas leader is Ismail Haniyeh. 

Hamas is an acronym meaning Islamic Liberation Front. 

Hamas leadership is based in Doha, Qatar. Hamas was previously based in Syria but they had a falling out. Firstpost said Qatar gave $360 million to Hamas with no accountability of what happened with that largesse. 

Hamas second biggest supporter is Turkiye. 

The US wants a two state solution. Israel wants a one state solution. 

Hamas and the PLO also want a one state solution too. Essentially Hamas and the PLO  want the Palestine that was under the Ottoman Empire. 

Hamas biggest supporter is Iran. Iran annually sends $100 million to Hamas plus lots of weapons too. 

Saudi Arabia and Iran are rivals therefore Israel, the US and Saudi Arabia have formed a coalition of solidarity. 

*source: ibid

This is taught in University anyways. 

In 1967, Israel attacked Jordan, Syria and Egypt. This was when Israeli forces occupied Palestine; the West Bank and the Gaza Strip. 

In retaliation, 6 years later in 1973 Syria and Egypt launched a two front war to regain their lost territories that Israel annexed in 1967. The attack was on the Yom Kippur Festival aka Day of Atonement, a day which was sacrosanct. It was unimaginable to Israelis that they would get attacked on that day. Unimaginable? Really? Just 5 years earlier in 1968, the North Vietnamese launched an attack during a day of a sacred festival. It was called the Tet Offensive. The Yom Kippur War was a failing of Israel's defense system. A lot of Israeli troops were on furlough that day. 

Another failing of the Israeli defense system is Israel's Iron Dome which is a network of anti-missile missiles kind of like the video game missile command. Each deployment of one of these counter missiles costs $100,000. Israel said the Iron Dome is 97% effective. 

Today's intense salvo of missile strikes from Hamas overwhelmed Israel's Iron Dome and with disastrous results.**

**source: ibid

Pastor Joel Osteen taught a few interesting words. 

Sanballat - a Samaritan leader 

Lodebar - name of a city pronounced Lodabar

Ziglag - name of a city

Mephibosheth - grandson of King Saul

Today I went to Sidney BC. It was a beautiful day mainly because my work for Heather is over. I don't have to work for her anymore. Other people, nurses are doing that job. 

At Sidney, I bought some tea at a tea shop. Then I went to the Centre for the Salish Sea. 

I went to see the movie A Haunting in Venice. Some memorable quotes were, 

"I've been through two wars. I don't have faith." Poirot 

"You've been dead before, for a minute. This is why ghosts are drawn to you." Leopold Ferrier speaking to Hercule Poirot

"It's not exhaustion. He's broken." Leopold Ferrier

"They may have been upset for being referred to as 'the help'." Poirot

After seeing the movie, I went to a Chinese restaurant and had pork chop with rice. 

I was dancing or doing my musical moves all day. I couldn't stop. I want to keep getting better and better although what that would look like, I don't know. At this point, I've accepted that people will think I'm crazy for doing those moves but I can't help it. It's a if this is wrong, then I do want to be right kind of thing. 

I'd like to move to and live in Sidney. The town does have a vibe. That'd be my dream to move to Sidney. 

All places are expensive these days. 

Monday, October 9, 2023

I stayed home and didn't go to Church. I don't know if I'll go to Church ever again. 

Now that I'm smoking weed again, let me rephrase that. Now that I'm on a 24 hour a day perm-stone leaving no turn unstoned, there is now a greater gap of personality differences between me and the people at Church. I wouldn't say that they are square and worse. It'd be like saying that vanilla is boring and worse than food that is hot with chili peppers high in Scoville units. They are just different, none is worse than the other. 

From people asking me to work or do things to spinny people to going there for years and still not having found a girlfriend, it's not really worth it to go to Church. 

I'll still go once every few weeks but that's it. 

I'm still doing those musical moves. Some of the moves amaze even me. It's like the dancing has taken on a life of its own. I like to think I'm getting better but I'm not sure what that means or what words I would use to describe that. 

A couple of other players in the current Israel Palestine war:

Fatah - a Palestine political party in Gaza that is loyal to Israel and not for a separate Palestine. They are a go-between between the Israeli government and Hamas. Talk about a Venn diagram of military cross allegiances. 

Hezbollah - based in Lebanon. Described as exponentially more powerful and gets a lot more funding from Iran. Hezbollah is like Hamas on steroids. 

"The Assyrians came down like wolf on the fold

Their cohorts were gleaming in purple and gold." Tennyson 

If Hezbollah invades Israel, between that and fighting Hamas, and given the fact that they are on a full scale war, Israel is screwed. How can they take on Hamas and Hezbollah simultaneously? Well. Israel will win. Israel has the support of God, aka Jehovah Gyra the provider and also of the Risen Chris. And incidentally also of the United States too. 

"Nobody beats the Riz." Hannibal, Thomas Harris 

The United States is sending a lot of military ships and aircraft carriers as well. Gunboat diplomacy. The United States is being pulled into the rat's nest that is Israel now. 

US President Woodrow Wilson first used gunboat diplomacy in 1914 in Veracruz during the Mexican Revilution. 

I'm not sure that Hezbollah has any aircraft carriers. Are they known to? I don't know about you, but everytime I think of Hezbollah, I'm thinking of aircraft carriers. Yeah, right. 

The perplexing thing is that Israel isn't just any country. It's is regarded as a center of spirituality. The center of the Judeo-Christian religions but also an important spiritual site for Islamists, Dome of the Rock. 

The vitriolic fighting. So intense, So angry. 

This isn't a good example for a spiritual center to be setting. Noblesse oblige.

I could see Bill Maher scoffing and thinking, "Israel is supposed to be so gung-ho about the spirituality of religion and here they are duking it out. In Jerusalem there is a saying,  "If it's only a fistfight, it's a good day." That's why I'm not into religion." 

Well, there have been battles in Israel since the Biblical times such as the Battle of Jericho. This war is just a specific example which illustrates the general rule in Israel. 

"Man is an angry ape which does such things before heaven as to make the angels weep." 

Aldous Huxley

Israel is an island. Israel is a lone Judeo-Christian but mainly Judeo Nation surrounded by all these intensely Islamic countries. Name them, whatever, Syria, Lebanon, Jordan, Turkiye, Egypt, Libya, then Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Qatar, UAE, etc. 

I'm surprised that it lasted as long as it has. It must be that on some level, whatever level, Israel is an American protectorate. 

"No man is an island." John Donne 

I was thinking that Israel's final end game is to cut the head off the snake, ie to 'take out' Hamas leader Ismaili Haniyeh. That guy probably isn't even in Israel. He might be in Qatar or else Turkiye or perhaps he is in Iran. Who knows? 

Mossad will be hunting for Ismaili Haniyeh like Simon Weisenthal hunted for Adolf Eichmann. 

I expect to hear on the News. Breaking News: Hamas leader dead, killed by Israeli Defense Force IDF. 

That wouldn't be a long shot. 

Hamas committed a lot of atrocities in Israeli that are too horrifying to list here. 

Will Hamas be brought to an international tribunal for war crimes? Military court is on a different level from civilian Court. Court martial means firing squad. Corporal punishment meaning execution and is common if found guilty. 

I hope that things go well for all around. Palestinian people, most of them have inherited from birth a really raw Geo-political deal. Islamic people are good people and they are very spiritual. I met quite a few Islamic people in life and they have all presented themselves as very together and very decent people. 

Corey Harrison in Pawn Stars said that in 1453, the Ottoman Empire took over the Byzantine Empire. 

Then in November 2, 1917, the Balfour Declaration  declared a homeland for Jewish people in Palestine. That was just a declaration. 

What really cemented the process was the Sykes-Picot Agreement drafted a year earlier. Essentially the Sykes-Picot Agreement divided the region including Turkiye, Syria, Lebanon, Palestinian Territories, Israel and Southern Iraq into British and French controlled areas which were divided by the Sykes-Picot line. British Mark Sykes and French Francois George Picot made that agreement. There was also a deal with the Russians called the Savonov-Paleologue Agreement but this was not advanced since Russia had a Revolution and a change of government going from a Monarchy to a Republic. 

The Hashemite Arabs hitched their wagon to a star that was the British in a promise for Turkish lands in the region and helped the British to win but afterwards these promises were ignored. Typical. 

Well, Mark-Sykes had died less than a year later before the Balfour Declaration was enacted.. Sykes and Picot were to Israel what Cyril Radcliffe was to India, that is maps, cartography and lines of demarcation. 

November 29, 1947 was the date of the formation of the State of Israel. David Ben-Gurion was the first PM of Israel. The position had been offered to Albert Einstein but he repudiated this. * ** ***

*source: Wikipedia: Sykes-Picot Agreement 

** Jerusalem Post: Sykes-Picot and Israel

***History Timeline. YouTube

Today, Heather visited me. I love her but I think I failed her. 

Me and Heather were supposed to meet somewhere today but I didn't show up. Then about half an hour later, my neighbour knocks and I answer and he says, "You have a visitor." The I saw Heather making a left turn towards me on her scooter. I said, "Oh God!" and I must had a crestfallen look on my face. I could feel it. 

That's how I often respond to surprise guests. Maria visited me that time years ago for the last time and I did the same thing. 

I apologized to Heather profusely. What's wrong with my brain? I told her to say to me in a Scottish accent. "Your heed is scroowed. It's all them trugs yoo've bin takin'!" 

As she visited me, I got cranky at some point. She just sat there and said nothing for over an hour. Total silence. There were a few times I brought up things in conversation but she didn't. I wondered if I'm someone who suffers fools gladly or not. 

Then when she left I felt like my long lost sister who visited me is leaving. I felt such love and tenderness and worry for Heather. I walked her part way home. 

I wish I said, "Oh Heather! Hi! So glad to see you!" Instead I said, "Oh God!" I wonder about my heart. If a person doesn't have a good heart then that person has nothing. 

Do I have affective disorder? Love-haste relationship? Mental illness? I wish I had comported myself better on this occasion. I wonder about myself, sometimes. 

Being the typical man, I often wish I could find another girlfriend, one whom I have real physical chemistry with. I think Heather is somewhat retarded. 

Pastor Joel Osteen said to always thank God for sending the one you're with. This person has strengths and weaknesses and if you meet another person, that person may be weak where the other one was strong. 

Heather has a sweetness about her that shimmers off of her like an effervescent glistening flower in a spring meadow. Rarely have I met someone who has the sweetness that Heather does. 

I hope that Israel's troubles pass them quickly. Israel is a great land with so much to offer and people look to Israel as a bastion of spiritual significance. 

Isaiah 60:1: Arise, shine. For your light has come.

Tuesday, October 10, 2023

There is a small pain spot on my tongue. I think it comes from eating popcorn which is salty and too much salt can 'cure' and not in a good way, any given area of the flesh. 

And it comes from a repetitive motion injury of moving my tongue against the teeth to draw in saliva since I got a side tooth extracted, the saliva flow in the mouth is different. 

"Doctor it hurts whenever I do this." 

"Well then stop doing that." 

Most if not all injuries can be attributed to a cause or an action. Find out what that action is and then stop it. 

I take an anti inflammatory such as aspirin and give the area rest as much as possible. 

Swirling Listerine anti bacterial mouthwash which I have is good for this too. 

Today I walked to Thrifty's on Menzies Street and I got some Thai jasmine rice as well as some orange and kale mix juice. Then I went to the beach and did some musical moves. The musical moves help to change the emotional center of gravity of the day. 

Then I went to Noodle Box and got some drunken noodles. I also got a bottle of Sprite. 

Wars do one thing in that wars provide free demolition of buildings although under the worst of terms. In wars buildings are demolished on a massive industrial scale. 

This can be good or bad. In bad instances, wars demolish a lot of old buildings that are ornate historic and beautiful. Then bric a brac formulaic cookie cutter buildings all made of ticky tacky. This is what happened after the wars in Lebanon. There were old buildings that were ornate only to be bombed out in a war and then replaced with prosaic looking tenement style apartment buildings that were little more than large concrete boxes in neighborhoods that have all the character of vast suburban strip malls. 

But this is the new age and modern buildings look nice. At UBC a lot of old buildings were torn down and replaced with nice aesthetic modern buildings. 

Gaza is kind of a backwater. The buildings there are old. When the war is over there will be newer nicer looking buildings to replace them. A lot of the buildings in Gaza were built during the 70s which was a tacky gaudy era of Trollz dolls, platform shoes, 8 track players, bell bottom shoes, stucco walls, and bean bag chairs. A lot of the buildings in Gaza have a desolate DMZ'ed concrete jungle look to them. 

The really old ornate buildings had thick solid walls not suitable for wiring for house that were electric. The 50s to 90s had electric wiring for houses. Electric wiring needs a certain type of framing and scaffolding. Gyp-rocked walls with hollow spaces between them to run the electric wiring through. 

These days houses are not electric but electronic. Internet of things, smart homes, televisions that connect to the internet, wi fi configurations. 

After the war, Gaza and Israel will enjoy some architectural upgrades. 

After the wall, Gaza might have some multicolored buildings. Some made with green glass, some with blue glass whereas before the war, all the buildings are one color, the one shade of cement. 

As it is, Gaza now looks like Dresden after the war. The bombing of Dresden. Some Back Rogers in the 25th Century opening scenes of the 80s series were stock footage of Dresden. 

Palestine is not Hamas although 42% voted for Hamas while 40% voted for Fatah.*

*source: YouTube comments

Hamas did terrible atrocities. Killed 260 at a music festival, kidnapped, killed and other atrocities. This is the worst atrocitity committed on Israeli people since the Black September movement going to the hotel room of Israeli athletes in Munich and gunned down athletes and Israeli athletes were machined gunned at the airport too. Each of the Black September terrorists were hunted down one by one and eliminated by Mossad agents. 

"One day this war's gonna end." Kilgore, Apocalypse Now

This war will end when Hamas is neutralized. Nah, the war will never end. 

100 Years War? The War in three stages encompassing a little over a hundred years 

between the Capetian and Merovingian King's of France and the Plantagenet and Tudor Dynasties off England? They fought for a period of a hundred years but in terms of time period in war they got off lightly compared to Israel and Palestine which have been fighting for thousands of years. 

Israel and Palestine are in a state of civil war but Ireland was once in a state of civil war. That was a few decades ago. Things are a lot cooler now. Ireland was able to make it work. 

But Ireland has only been fighting since Bloody Sunday in 1912 or else back in the 1700s when King James annexed Northern Ireland as British Territories. 

Israel and Palestine have been fighting since Biblical times when Jews and Palestinians were called Judeans and Philistines respectively. Well, I guess when the people of a region have been fighting that long, old habits die hard. 

I'll just write whatever. Nobody reads this blog anyways. 

The war in Israel ostensibly is a religious war. But is really about politics. 

"Terrorism and politics is like two ends of a snake. Where you get one, you will get the other." Jackie Chan, Pierce Brosnan, The Foreigner 

It's really about sovereignty which is more of a political thing than a religious thing. 

It is about, as usual, a bunch of cliques fighting for control at the top. 

Given that much of Palestine is kind of a backwater, they are really a bunch of cliques beating each down for the biggest share of the local scrap heap resulting in a pyrhhic victory. 

Palestine is more valuable in sentimental value for the locals than it is a land of any kind of resources. The land is semi arid desert. Some Mediterranean climate influences as water makes summer's cooler and winters warmer. Otherwise there is not much arable land there just desert land and there is no oil resources there. The only exports would be carpets and rugs, palm trees, dates and figs and also human resources being people working in service industries such as maids and janitors working overseas. 

If Gaza got their act together they could have tourism, 5 star hotels, modern shopping malls and franchise restaurants like McDonald's etc. But Gaza is under a blockade where Israel controls what goes and and goes out of the area. 

If Palestine played their cards right, if they played ball with the Israeli government, they could have casinos there. Maybe not. Where do you think the casino money would go? Funding Hamas or other terrorist fictions, terrorist cells. But that would be redundant. With $100 million a year funding from Iraq, it's like they already have a casino there. 

"... Promise was that I

Should Israel from Philistian yoke deliver;

Ask for this great deliverer now, and find him

Eyeless in Gaza at the Mill with slaves ..."

John Milton, Samson Agonistes

Samson, captured by the Philistines and with his eyes burned burned out was taken to Gaza where he was forced to work grinding at a mill. 

I need to find or else purchase a dancing jacket and a shirt with big collars like in the 70s. Also I need dancing pants and would accept disco bell bottom pants. The dancing jacket should be a white blazer but a navy blue blazer would look good too. Navy blue is less conspicuous. The shirt should be a purple and orange paisley shirt. If I had a wardrobe like that I could really write my own ticket. 

I had a spider man mask years ago but I think I threw it away. I didn't have the rest of the spider man costume to go with it and wearing it greatly affects visibility when walking down the street or when riding the kick scooter. I have to order another spider man mask from Amazon. 

Costimes I have thought of getting: 

- Hannibal Lecter mental asylum mask. 

- Ghostbusters costume complete with most realistic proton pack and paranormal entity trap possible. 

- Best Jedi Knight costume ever from Star Wars Disney Land. 

- Best plague doctor costume. Assassins creed style. This plague doctor would need to be swashbuckling wearing the same action boots that Zorro wore. This plague doctor would wear a black turtleneck sweater and have a belt with a gun holster and also be carrying two Police style gun holsters one on each shoulder. Shoulder holsters. 

The guns for my assassins creed plague doctor costume would be very obviously fake so they would need to be plastic and coloured neon green. 

Maybe I should do a cartoon about this kind of plague doctor. That's when I get my courage and my nerves back. I'm am still convalescing from a nervous breakdown from two years ago. 

Wednesday, October 11, 2023

I feel a lot better these days. No fear or anxiety. A lot of it came from working for Heather as her servant. As it is, I quit the job on July 20, 2023 which is the 50th anniversary of Bruce Lee's death. 

Working twice a week, month in month out with no end in sight was getting to me. 

Sometimes one has to decide that they had enough. That way there's no guilt. I needed d to help her at one point because she needed help. But now she's in a much better place. Me working for her any further would be redundant. 

I still fear the future but mostly my death. Will it be long and drawn out and painful with some health anxiety inducing medical disease? And what about the afterlife? 

"Remember when I told you it wouldn't get weird? It got weird." Dennis Miller

That would describe the afterlife. 

The afterlife is bound to be weird and I fear that. How weird are we talking about? Since it's the afterlife, the potential for weirdness would be unlimited. 

That's if there is an afterlife. What if it's lights out? Goodnight Irma La Deuce. 

For a lifetime to develop such intellect and to refine this intelligence further with a lifelong supply of learning thus evolving the consciousness even more only for it to all end with lights out seems counterproductive. Since energy cannot be created nor destroyed, the core electromagnetic bundle of energy probably sublimates and then reconstitutes itself as a holographic dimensional entity probably because that's a more efficient form of energy and a lower entropy for of energy. High entropy means high change, high decay. Low entropy means no further change and no decay. 

So there probably is an afterlife and there's no lights out. It's called deductive reasoning based on empirical evidence. 

Or maybe when one dies, their brain releases a last mega burst of DMT which has a built in retroactive time loop feature so for the experiencer their present moment at death is frozen and then doubled in on itself in a perpetual repeating time loop. The repetition time loop is imperceptible so it is instead perceived as an ongoing infinity exacted in linear time. One dies and their mind which is the only thing that is really alive about them anyways absorbed and enshrouded into their DMT trip part of the trip includes thinking they are still alive and conscious when they are really dead. Or else their body is discarded. The mind and not the brain still survives albeit enmeshed in the Mobius strip of a seemingly eternal DMT drug trip thus preserving itself. 

The person who died observes and mistakenly believes that he is moving forward in linear time along with that person's friends still alive on Earth, but that person is really just frozen in that moment at death while the people on Earth are moving forward in linear time. 

But that's just splitting hairs because to the absolute algorithm of time, there really is no difference between one and the other. 

That's because all our lives we were under the same DMT that the body or else the oineal gland redundantly extrudes into itself at death. At birth, we are frozen at that moment as at birth the brain emits a DMT that includes a feature of the appearance of linear time when it is likewise a repetitive time loop of the present moment they were frozen in at birth namely their birthdate and not before. Then at death when they are frozen in a moment of time again this time their death date and not after, is when they realize that the two seemingly different moments are not a different moment at all. It is the same moment. 

"I once met the Dalai Lama. Do you know what he told me? He said that when I die, I will achieve total consciousness. So at least I got that to look forward to." Bill Murray, Caddyshack

"On the 3rd day, you will see demons appear. They will say to you," Beat him! Abuse him!" If you realize that everything is a creation of your own mind, you will be liberated." Tibetan Book of the Dead 

Everything is a creation of your own mind. Basically your existence in this life and the afterlife is your DMT trip which is a product of your mind. 

That's a mathematical deconstructionist approach to it anyways. 

The News said that in Vancouver, a man named Ricky Martinez aged 44 was killed. 

I wonder if that's the Ricky I knew. His name was distinctly Ricky and not Rick. 

This is a story of someone. Just a person who was famous that no one knew. And it might not be the Ricky who was done in on the streets of Hastings and Carrall in Vancouver. 

I first met Ricky at an Italian restaurant that me and a few other artists were hired to paint the walls. It was supposed to be an Egyptian theme but I was a lot crazier when I was young than I am now so I painted a mandala or a kaleidoscope. I'm surprised that the Italians haven't put out a hit on me for that. Ricky seemed like a normal guy, he had Hollywood looks and his face had a smooth and svelte look to it. Ricky said he lived in a condo. He was so gung ho about that. 

A couple years later I was surprised to see that he moved into the same run down rooming house that I lived in. He was selling newspapers at the Seabus station and his slogan was, "Get a newspaper from Ricky!" 

Ricky had a girlfriend who was over 50 years old. Ricky sure didn't look my age so I guess he could have been 9 years younger. Ricky's once smooth svelte facial epidermis had morphed. His face became bloated and he had a lot of pockmarks. I had an intrusive thought thinking that he looked like a bathroom monster. 

Ricky smoked crack. Often. Ricky often said a lot of snarky words. 

I left Vancouver in 2005.

Then when I returned to Vancouver for a visit, I visited my old run down rooming house. As I was there, the landlord said to the assistant manager that Ricky something, I forgot the last name's parole officer called. Ricky is in Kelowna but if he returns to Vancouver, to not rent a room to him. The last name could have been Martinez. 

With a story like that, I wonder if it was the Ricky I knew who got done in. Ricky said a lot of snarky words but he didn't deserve to be done in. Maybe it was after a crack fueled rage where he had an argument with the wrong person on Hastings Street given that just about everyone on Hastings Street in Vancouver would be the wrong person to have an argument with. Knives are invariably produced appearing out of nowhere and people get shanked. 

Getting into an argument may or may not get a person shanked on Hastings Street. But what will get a person shanked is selling fake crack. If Ricky sold newspapers he may have in the intervening years decided to divert his newspaper selling skills to selling fake crack. Some real, skme fake. Whatever. It would be awful to think that a person's life was taken for just $50 worth of fake crack. But this happens all the time on the streets of any city or small town in the world. 

Essentially, Gaza over the last few decades has been co-opted by outsiders. Most people in Gaza aren't descended from families that have been there for thousands of years. Gaza was a quasi Egyptian territory until Egypt refused it in 1978. Israel from 1967 to 1978 owned the Sinai Penninsula. Then the Camp David Accord in 1978 returned the Sinai Penninsula to Egypt in exchange for a peace deal with Israel. Egyptian President Anwar Sadat, US President Jimmy Carter and Israeli PM Menachen Began were implementers of this real. The Arabs in Egypt saw any peace deal with Israel as an affront so Anwar Sadat got assassinated. 

There were various Arab wars over the decsdes a lot of Arabs emigrated there for asylum and since 1948, Gaza's population had grown from 8,000 people to 3,800,000 people! Gaza is a strip of land 28 miles long and about 5 miles wide at its widest. The Arabs in Gaza have hi-jacked, no pun intended, the local political narrative bringing some kind of Jihadist agenda towards Israel. Or else accelerating whatever incipient Jihadist sentimentalities that were already there. 

Gaza is one of the most overpopulated places in the World. Remember the Walled City in Hong Kong? Gaza is kind of like that. 

But Israel too has a lot of people who haven't exactly been descended from families living there for thousands of years. A lot of Israelis are Ashkenazi Jews or White Jews having fled Europe to Israel after the Second World War in Europe. The genetically local Jews, the Mediterranean Jews, a lot are still there. But a lot got genetically intermixed and absorbed into the Ashkenazi families there. 

The Mediterranean Jews are almost genetically identical to the Mediterranean Palestinians. The only difference is religion. Just like with Russia and Ukraine, they're people of basically the same race fighting each other. 

Well, what the heck. Most Canadians aren't from families that have been here for millenia. Most people are from settlers who were here just 300 years ago at the outside whereas First Nations people have been here for 27,000 years. And we've been able to make it work. More or less. At least we're not at each other's throats fighting tooth and nail like the Palestinians and the Israelis. 

Around 1,200 Israelis died in this war so far. That's a lot of people. 

Yet every day in this World, around 166,000 people die. That's about 7,000 people an hour and about 116 per minute. 

But most of these people died peaceful and more or less no painless deaths on their own terms. Israeli people died a most indignant death that must be avenge. 

That's the thing. That region is full of vendettas. This latest Hamas attack could be in response to something that happened 15 years ago. Earlier this year Israel launched yet another standard issue preemptive strike hitting an apartment in Gaza which held a nest of Hamas terrorists. It could be in response to that. 

This game of back and forth will most likely go on for uh, centuries. 

There are no answers. Or else it's better to question an answer than to answer a question. You got a bit of that going on there. 

I went to the Chinese Supermarket today. 

Then I went back to my apartment and spent all day at home. After a sumptuous feast of sushi and some fresh chamomile tea frkm the tea shop, I had the mother of all afternoon naps. 

I thought of going to Jerusalem one time to visit some Christian sites like the bjrthplace of Jesus although Jesus was born in Bethlehem, that's just a 3 hour bus ride away. Nah, Bethlehem is in Palestine, on the other side of a wall that runs through Jerusalem. 

Visit the Mount of Olives where Jesus gave the sermon of do not worry about tomorrow. God takes care of the birds and the flowers and so will take care of you. 

Then Jesus's crucifixion site although that would be a whole truckload of depression. But maybe that's where he won the final victory against the forces of evil so that's not depressing. Then visit the place of his resurrection. 

The Dome of the Rock has nothing to do with Jesus. The Dome of the Rock was once the site of the first and second temple of Herod. The courthouse building in my town kind of looks like the Temple of Herod. I think that was where the Holy of Holies was where there was a chamber that only the most High Priest was allowed to enter and even then once a year. That would be an interesting place to look at from a distance. Of course the Dome of the Rock has a golden domed mosque called the Al Aqsa mosque and since I don't know very much about Islam at all, that place wouldn't be as interesting to me as the sites of Jesus. Besides the birthplace, all the significant sites about Jesus life is in Jerusalem. 

Jesus rode the donkey through Jerusalem. Jesus quarrelled with money lenders at the temple in Jerusalem. 

Jesus spent some time in other parts of the region besides Jerusalem such as the shores of the Sea of Galilea, Nazareth, Capernaum, etc. 

That was once I thought about going to visit Jerusalem. Now? Forget it. 

Travel 101 is visiting a foreign country under normal times. 

Travel 401 is visiting a foreign country in times of war. A war with no end in sight. Government military issuing warnings, those seen not wearing their press passes will be shot while rebels issuing warnings that those seen wearing their press passes will be shot. Times like that? Forget it! I'm not traveling to any places that are too hairy. 

Only CNN and NGOs are brave enough to travel to foreign countries in a state of war. 

Thursday, October 12, 2023

Stayed home all day. Didn't go out at all. In the morning, I drank the expensive gourmet chamomile tea that I bought at a tea shop. Then I watched episode 1 of the Continental. Then I had a massive afternoon nap. When I woke up, it was already early evening. 

I watched the first episode of The Continental. 

A man named Frankie steals an item from the vaults of the Continental. This item greatly affects the fate of an organization that is older than the Roman Empire. 

Of course the Continental sends and army of men to look for Frankie. They get Frankie's brother and attempt to use him as bait. The brother, Winston Scott instead escapes to warn his brother. What Frankie stole was a coin press used for making the Continental coins. 

Firstpost talked about the military leader of Hamas known as 'The Guest'. His named is Mohammed Deif. He is called the Guest because he never sleeps in any place for two nights in a row, he keeps moving and registers in hotels incognito. 

During the First intefada, 1987 - 1993, he got arrested. He joined Hamas in 1990 and in 2012 he became the military leader. 

During the following years he was responsible for the countless terrorist attacks and deaths of Israelis and also Israeli soldiers. 

He survived at least five attempts on his life by Israeli forces including an air strike. However in 2014, his wife and infant daughter were killed on yet another Israeli attempt on his life which he survived. He lost an eye and injured a leg during one of the attempts on his life. Legolas - from Lord of the Rings. Leg, eye-less - Deif. 

In a land of blind men the one eyed man is king, indeed. 

During the October 7 airstrike which Israel launched into Gaza, Mohammed Deif's father and brother was killed. 

Mohammed Deif did not attend the funeral of his family members unlike Cassian Andor who attended the funeral of his mother. 

Will this war mean the end of Israel? I doubt it. Just as Mohammed Deif has 9 lives like a cat, Israel itself has many lives. Israel bounced back before and will do so again. Like the many candles on a menorah, Israel has many lives. 

Unquestionably Israeli Defense Forces will be hunting for Mohammed Deif. He was the architect behind the October 7 terrorist attacks in Israel. 

Right now, the IDF is conducting door to door guerilla warfare on the streets of Gaza looking for Hamas terrorists and freeing hostages. 

Guerilla warfare has a lot to do with the game of Go. Che Guevara used to play Goh. 

I've seen it myself. Truth is stranger than fiction. One time, years ago, I told a merchant that I was thinking of committing... sideways. Anyways the merchant called the Police. The Police met me at my apartment. One Police Officer was in the hall. When I looked out my window, one Police Officer was beneath my window one storey down. Then as I was escorted out of my apartment, two Police Officers were in the front door lobby area. I recognized that as a classic Go formation. 

Israel surrounds Gaza except for Egypt to the South so Israel has a nearly perfect Go tactical advantage. But Israel itself is surrounded by Lebanon to the North and Syria to the Northeast. Israel has Jordan to the East and Egypt to the South but Jordan and Egypt are cool especially since Egypt signed a peace deal with Israel during the Camp David Accord in 1978. 

I would worry about Lebanon and Syria. 

This paragraph written on Friday, October 27, 2023.

Replying to xj8713

Frosted Mike said, Hamas is a Sunni organization. Hezbollah is a Shia organization with support from Iraq which is a Shia country. Iraq would see Hamas as an expendable proxy. 

JamesBurke3803 said, Syria is in a civil war right now and can't join the war with Israel. 

*source: How Gaza Could Trigger A Regional War. Caspian Report. YouTube

Otherwise Syria's terrorist organization is called Liwa Fatemiyoun. 

Palestinians in Gaza are Sunni. Saudi Arabia is Sunni. Saudi Arabia and Iran have a rivalry. 

Shia - after Mohammed died, believed the successor should've been Ali, Mohammed's cousin. Only descendants of Ali and therefore Mohammed are fit to be the Shia leader. 

Sunni - after Mohammed died, believed the successor should've been Abu Bakr, one of Mohammed's close friends. Anyone who is of exemplary moral character can be the Sunni leader. 

About 85% of Muslims are Sunni. One way to remember is Sunni side up. 

Hezbollah means Party of God. The leader is Hassan Nazrallah. 

Actually Israel is surrounded on all sides by lots of Muslim countries. And lots of other Muslim countries surround these Muslim countries. I'm surprised it lasted as long as it has. Israel might say, "Muslims already have so much Muslim land in this area of the World. What's a few square miles more or less?" I don't know if that would go over too well. 

According to the structure of Go, for all the Muslim Nations that surround Israel, it would be a three sided surround with the Mediterranean Sea as the side of the board. While being an advantaged for the Israelis, the Mediterranean is a disadvantage to Hamas in Gaza as it serves as one of the sides of a corner for a Northwestern two sided surround. 

Israel could surround Hamas with a two sided surround or a corner surround which takes  less effort than a three sided surround. This move is called boxing in. 

It is the center surround or a four sided surround which is most difficult and takes more effort than a three sided surround. 

When Franz Ferdinand got shot just before World War One, the regions that happened in, the Balkans was called the powder keg of Europe. Would this Israel-Hamas war be a powder keg of the Middle East? 

Will this mean the end of Israel? Probably not. This wouldn't be Israel's first rodeo when it comes to incendiary military conflicts. There is a lot of international economic and financial vested interests in Israel. 

Israel will emerge from this stronger and better than ever. 

Israel has the largest army in the Middle East and the 11th largest army in the World. 

Israel has nuclear weapons. 

But even a surgical strike with tactical nukes would have a lot of collateral damage because Gaza is so heavily populated. 

I don't know if the other Muslim Nations would help Hamas in this case. Hamas took people off the streets, they killed teenagers, children, infants, old people, the disabled. They killed a lot of unarmed civilians. Amongst gangsters even, there exists a code of honour in that they don't go after civilians. The other Arab Nations, Muslim Nations might see the killing of women and children as haram or else dirty or forbidden. I'm thinking that Muslims do their own housecleaning. It would be something to see what  interesting ironic developments are yet to occur. 

Someone kicked the glass of the front door of my hotel. Some psycho guy took a s*it in front of the Olde and Golde jewellery shop. 

He stood in front of the hotel for quite awhile. The landlord told him to move along. The guy came back and kicked in the glass of the front door of the hotel. The area is monitored with a security camera. 

People work in patterns. That guy has done this before in other places and will do so again. Hurt people hurt people. People who are outwardly destructive, one day if it hasn't already, this destructive turns inward and becomes self destructive. 

There is no shortage of delinquents in any town. 

Last night I heard a hypnagogic voice while I slept. It said, 

"Israel went sfter the one. But that one made a lot of deals."

I think it means that Israel is going after Hamas in Gaza but Hamas made deals with other confederates such as Iran, etc. 

This coming week, I will be attending a science lecture at the University. 

Then I will be seeing a movie about The Talking Heads at the University. 

Then I am getting my dentures. 

Then I am going to see the movie Killers of the Flower Moon. 

Women. I was going to write about this earlier. 

Women are a two sided coin. Some sweet things. But also issues, challenges responsibilities and struggles that wouldn't otherwise be there if single. 

Meet her family. What if it's a weird or hostile family? 

Possibility of being on the hook for child support. 

One cancels the other out and it is just as good to be single as it is not to be. 

This applies the other way too and if I had a daughter I'd also tell her that men are two sided coins and one of the sides of that coin is problems and issues. 

4 out of 5 men are not worth knowing and 2 out of 3 women are not worth knowing. That's a pessimistic ideal. Don't believe it. 

"Some people tell me that they can't be happy unless they're married and some people tell me that they can't be happy because they're married." Joyce Meyer 

I don't think I'll ever get married. 

Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego, before they were thrown into a furnace said," God will deliver us. But even if he doesn't, we will still give Him praise." God did deliver them. 

God will help me to find a lady whom I would be more than willing to marry. But even if he doesn't, I will still give God praise. I will thank Him for the gift of life and I will thank Him for helping me with my life. I couldn't do it alone. God will give me the grace to make it from one day to another. 

Friday, October 13, 2023

When I found out that Maria died, afterwards, there were some weird signs. 

Maria died on May 20 this year. On May 20, I went to Sidney and watched The Book Club Part 2 at the Star Cinema in Sidney. 

When I left the theatre on May 20, after seeing The Book Club 2, I saw an RCMP Police car parked outside the theatre. I thought it was a cosmic reference to the fact that there were three famous actors who portrayed Police Officers in the movie Book Club 2, Don Johnson, Andy Garcia and another guy. Nope, it was a cosmic reference to Maria's death or at least that's what my subjective brain told me. 

On two occasions afterwards when I visited the Star Cinema, once for Spiderman Multiverse and once for The Flash, on both times, the theatre was nearly empty. There was only one other person in the theatre each time. For Spiderman, there was one young lady but she left halfway through the movie. For The Flash, there was only one guy in the theatre besides me. On the day of May 20, I think I recall that when I went on the bus, the bus was empty. I was the only person on it! 

Empty rooms, empty buses are always death omens. 1. How could they know that someone in my life died? 2. How and why would they 'arrange'  for me to be in an empty theatre? Theatres want to make mkney they don't want empty theatres. And how would all patrons avoid the theatre that day? 

The thing is, buses and the theatre is usually always full or has a lot more people anyways. 

A glitch in the Matrix. 

On the day that Anne Heche drove her car into a house, when I went to a theatre and sat at a DBox seat, I was the only one there! All other DBox seats were empty! There were a few people in the regular seats that day but not many. 

Again, I encounter empty places as death omens when someone dies. Is it a glitch in the matrix? Why would a usually full bus on a Saturday afternoon be empty? Why would people conspire to make me go on an empty bus on the day that someone I haven't seen for decades died? 

Less than 12 hours after finding out that Maria died, I clicked on to a Matt Fraser video on YouTube. He was doing a reading. He said, "Your father is here and he wants you to know that Maria is with him. He said to bring up that name and to say that Maria is here." or words to that effect. 

Then I clicked on to a Gordon Ramsay video. On this video, he was helping out a restaurant named Mama Maria's. 

See, those are signs. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't. It's a cognitive bias called random cluster data phenomenon. 

Maria died. She got an early reprieve. I sometimes wish that I died rather than Maria. She had a lot of things going for her that I didn't have. She had a rich family that basically paid her way through life. I have no family, dysfunctional and estranged, that's my family. Her parents provided her with a birth certificate and gave her a normal Western name. 

My parents never showed me my birth certificate, neither short nor long form birth certificate and even if they did, it would be written in a language I don't understand. And my parents gave me some ghastly and wretched f'ed up foreign name that is an anathema to me. Yet Maria died. 

Life is as useless to me as I am to it. The future, getting old, death, oh yeah, those are my favorites. Everybody knows that. Maria is now reprieve from all that. I wish I was reprieved from all that but I don't know if even then, that is a solution. 

Essentially, existence in all its forms whether in life or in the afterlife is a mess and is defective. The whole premise is flawed. 

We presumably come from a smooth existence in heaven. But then we come down to this Earth. 

For what? 

For an exciting vacation? That implies the afterlife must be hella boring if we have to come to this blighted dimension for what is supposed to pass as an exciting vacation. 

To learn something or some things? What the heck do we have to learn here that we can't already learn in the afterlife? That implies the afterlife is lacking otherwise we wouldn't have to come here. Again, lacking implies defectiveness. 

We are good souls in the cat-bird's seat in heaven. Then we incarnate here, love and die as good souls and go back to heaven. Isn't that redundant? Why come here and go back if we are already good in hesven? 

Or we are good souls in heaven. But incarnate here which opens us up to the possibility of being bad and then screwing up and going to hell. Isn't that counterproductive? If we were in an already really good existence in heaven, why would we come here if there was even the slightest chance of things going pear shaped and then we go to hell? Why sabotage a vaunted existence in the heavenly dimension to come to this shithole dimension? 

I would trade my life for Maria's if I could. How about that I died on May 20 and Maria is still alive? If existence was Burger King and I could have it my way, This is how I would have it. 

Israel sends an evacuation order iredering people in Gaza to move to the South of Gasa to avoid incoming military incursions. Hamas is telling them to say put. Typical thug agenda: tow the local line, but this time taken to an extreme. It's safe to assume that anyone who stays behind is probably a fellow traveller with Hamas. 

It's sad when thugs and lowlifes can commandeer a local cultural agenda. 

"Culture is not your friend." Terence McKenna 

Bidenomics. That's like Reaganomics but without the Alzheimer's. Some people would say, "Are you sure about that?" 

President Joe Biden seems distracted sometimes as seen on YouTube videos but that doesn't mean he has Alzheimer's or even senility. He's the Commander in Chief. He's got a lot on his plate. 

Saturday, October 14, 2023

Today I woke up wishing that I died 5 years ago. 

There is a commercial depicting George Clooney standing st the curb while two ladies drove away in a nice car. 

That reminds me of myself when I walked two ladies to a nice car only to wind up standing in the curb while they drove away. And I did that week after week for about a year and a half. That was one of the worst and most humiliating things I have ever done and I only have myself to blame. 

I would rather have died 5 years ago so I wouldn't have had to have gone through that and to have that catalyze with my thoughts. 

My life sucks. I'd rather not live than to live a life that sucks. The last ten years sucked. 

Since I didn't get laid in the last ten years, I would rather have not lived the last ten years at all. Better no life than a life that sucks. 

I would never kill myself. But I wish God in his infinite understanding would have given me a quick and painless heart attack in my sleep. I wish he did it 5 or 10 years ago as they are years I wouldn't want to live over again. 

Better late than never. God can kill me at any time. 

I wish I died instead of Maria. Maria's life probably didn't suck as much as mine yet she died and I'm still alive. That's baffling. She possibly had more to live for than me. She wouldn't have done stupid humiliating shot like walk people to their car and then be left standing on the curb while they drive away. 

I'm not sure that I want to go on living. Yet I have to go on living until God kills me. Better no life at all than a life that sucks. Maria might even say, "If my life sucked as much as yours, I'd want to die too. But I'm already dead. So at this point, that would be redundant." 

A life that doesn't work out is extraneous and a waste of time and energy just like humiliating situations like walking ladies to a nice car only to be left standing in the curb, time and time again. Other guys get laid all the time. This is what I get.

It's not like I'm begging for my life at every turn. 

I'm not sure that death, once gotten over with, that I'd be in the cat-bird's seat. 

Heath Ledger as Joker said, "Remember, whatever doesn't kill you, only makes you,....stranger."

I think that whatever does kill you also makes you stranger and that's the afterlife. The afterlife is guaranteed to be batshit crazy. It's a quantum exponential dimension compared to this one so think of this dimension on steroids when it comes to weirdness. 

It will be like a fun house of surreal abstract craziness as if this life wasn't abstract and surreal enough. 

There's no winning in existence. But for everything that exists, there are a million things that don't exist. For every sperm and egg that fuses, there are millions of sperm cells and ovums in billions of men and women throughout their lifetime that don't fuse. Even for every universe that exists, there are a million possible universes that don't exist. 

To attain no existence is to win the lottery of existence. Yet I think sometimes a soul goes through phases of existence. But since time travel is time experienced on an objective level as everything is happening simultaneously, a person can go through a phase of existing as a human entity on Earth and then phases of non existence. This appears to happen along a linear time path but that's just a subjective persistent illusion. It is all happening simultaneously in this one mkment just as an atom can be either a particle or a wave simultaneously. I think this is called quantum superposition. 

So maybe at some point in the afterlife, I will go thorough a phase of non-existence and for me that would be a boon given that I lived a life that just sucked, just dogshit. 

I guess there's lives that suck and lives that suck. Which is it? Someone living in Gaza now, their life would suck especially if their building got bombed and their family got killed. Or if someone Israeli who was at the music festival or in a bomb shelter. 

That life would suck. Someone stuck in Ukraine where Russians are attacking. That would suck as well. 

But a lot of them, their lives were otherwise together in a way that my life isn't. They got married or probably get laid regularly. 

But getting laid brings its own set of worries. Performance anxiety. Self questioning performance level. 

Commitment issues. How long do I really want to stay with this lady in particular? If I don't really like her that much but get laid with her, will she then be stalking me all the time? That's on one level. 

Bring it up a level and then it's meet her dysfunctional hostile family, possibly be on the hook for child support. Relationship burnout. Marital burnout. Parental burnout. You are constantly burned out. 

Given enough time, things turn to the opposite. A flower is nice. Given enough time, it wilts and decomposes. Then given enough time, there is a flower again. 

Being single is one thing. But getting a girlfriend and getting laid seems like the coolest thing. But then that turns to its opposite dynamic. All of a sudden be on the hook for child support. Or else marriage and square domesticity. Go to the store. Get milk. Get diapers. Square. 

"How much sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child." Shakespeare

But years later, a successful marriage and successful children is again a cool thing. 

When a man sees a couple walking down the street, he sees the man holding a leash connected to a collar on the woman. When a woman sees a couple walking down the street, she sees the woman holding a leash connected to a collar on the man. What a square situation. 

Being single seems uncool compared to getting laid all the time. But then there's no worries about possibly getting on the hook for child support, no square domesticity, possibly no HPV either so years later,  having stayed single is a really cool thing. 

Ergo existence is a no win situation. You can't win for losing. That's why I've more or less given up on life. At least on an intellectual level. 

Sunday, October 15, 2023

On this day, I went to the University to see Bob MacDonald of CBC's Quirks and Quarks. He is a major scientist. 

The auditorium has real University vibes. I thought that UBC was the only University with such vibes, but they are in all Universities. 

Universities are awash with the glow of optimism of the future of youth before the disillusioning reality that presents itself with the passage of time. 

He talked about how Eratosthenes used a stick and a shadow to determine the circumference of the Earth. 

It makes roughly 3 days to travel to the moon and about 213 days to travel to Mars. 

I am thinking of going to the University to see the Talking Heads movie called Stop Making Sense. That would be a real 80s University experience. 

The Shining makes a regular appearance at the University movie theatre and that would be a late 70s University experience. Blade Runner also plays at the University movie theatre from time to time. 

The 60s to the 80s was the golden age of Universities. I wish I could reincarnated back in time and go to University during the 60s 70s and 80s. 

I am still doing my musical moves. 

"I just can't stop when my spark gets hot." Disco Inferno, The Trammps 

After the University, I went home and got some Vietnamese salad rolls. Then I went to McDonald's and got 2 hamburgers and a small fries. 

Then I went to get a Google gift card. 

Monday, October 26, 2023

I went to get a Google gift card this morning. I got the Google gift cards because I am playing the Hustle Castle App. It is very similar to American Dad Apocalypse Soon. It is from the same app developer. 

I got a Castle Pass for $4.09. I also got two pets. A cat I named Herbessa. And a dog I named George. These pets cost $15 each. There is a 3 headed dog I am opting not to get. That dog is what I call The Dog From Chernobyl. That is a mutant dog and I never ever wanted any mutant things. Any animal with more than one head, even a two headed snake is something I don't want. Of course there are people with more than one head, Siamese twins. They are often aborted but if they are not and grow up, everything should be done to ensure their comfort. 

The Castle Pass also includes design upgrades for my castle including roof tiles, background, bridge, stained glass windows and new emblem. 

There is an option to raise one of my 4 star characters to 5 stars for $4.09. However I can get a 5 star character for free in the living room feature of this app. It might take a few tries. 

Update. Today I got a 5 star character for free from the living room. 

Zero City. Same crap all over again. 

The developer of of Zero City and Hustle Castle is in Mexico. They sure make some good apps there. They pulled off a coup when they developed Hustle Castle. 

Zero City keeps cutting out saying the wi fi signal is not working when it is. I uninstalled Zero City. 

The question is, who is Hamas connected to? Iran? Turkiye? But what if Hamas was connected to the Russians. That would explain a lot. Hamas with blessings and promptings from the Russians. Invades Israel to soften the American resolve in Ukraine. This is kind of like vote splitting but on a military level. 

This is what happened in Vietnam. The North Vietnamese were connected to the Chinese who were connected to the Russians. The same thing with Korea. 

If Hamas is connected to the Russians and I wouldn't put that past the realm of possibilities, then this is especially dangerous. 

My friend Maria died at the right time. She didn't live to see the world turn to hell in a handbasket. 

And the United States currently doesn't have a speaker. Without a speaker of the house, Congress can't rail-road and rubber stamp certain military implementations through to Senatorial assent necessary for the conflict in Israel and Ukraine too. The timing is delicate and unfortunate. Hopefully the US Congress can appoint a speaker soon. But they are deadlocked and ham stringed on deciding which dark horse to appoint as the Speaker. More filibustering. 

The former speaker was Nancy Pelosi but she retired. The attack on her husband was too much for her. She went through a lot, more than most speakers ever did including the January 6 riot during which her office was occupied by rioters. 

Tuesday, October 17, 2023

First World problems. 

My friend died. People in Israel and Gaza had dozens of their friends die in a week. 

I was never successful. People in Israel and Gaza have life changing injuries. 

I had to push my friend in a wheelchair during a pandemic. People over in Israel and Gaza have to push wheelchairs through streets of rubble, dodging missile strikes and past dead bodies lying in the street. 

Today I went to Noodle Box to get some fried rice. It's not just rice. There's quite a few other ingredients. 

Old age, a boring future seems existentially counterproductive and counterefficient. 

I'm not sure I want to go through with it although I'll have to. I'd rather not go through it actually. I would have rather had it that I die and Maria is still alive and at some point in the however distant future. This is not the way I wanted it at all. 

There is no future. There is only the present moment. Then I'm worried about what the present moment will eventually morph into. 

The present doesn't morph into the future as much as the future morphs into the present. 

And the present doesn't move away from the past as the past moves away from the present. 

Eckhart Tolle said that the pain body influences the mind to paint all sort of pictures about the future. Pictures that can be mistaken for fact. When it's just more guesses. Nobody knows the future. It can be better than I can imagine. That's one possibility. Or else detain aspects of it can be better than I imagine. 

Be good for goodness sake. Don't be good expecting that others will do the same to you. Often you generate one kind of energy only to get a worse one in return. When it comes to being egregious and pernicious, life will always find a way. 

I was thinking of going to Israel in hopes that the spiritual energy of the region and visiting sites important to Jesus's life would have some curative properties to my mental illness. How's that working out for the locals? 

It seems like every five, ten fifteen years, you could almost set your watch to it, they are fighting each other. It's like Spock having to go back to the planet Vulcan every 7 years.

Wednesday, October 18, 2023

I went to the University yesterday and saw the Talking Heads movie. It looks amazing in 4K. 

I did a few musical moves sitting down in the theatre seat. The theatre seats at the University are retro style 80s style theatre seats. In most theatres these days, they have lazy boy leather recliner seats. It was a great time and I got to live out my dream of doing University style musical moves. I try to think of University between the 60s and the 80s as the music was really great then. 

There's good modern music too like the song Antislumper from XL Middleton. 

A YouTube video said something that worried me. All dancers will reach a plateau where after that little changes and its the same moves over and over again. That depressed me. 

This is certainly the case with gymnastics. 

My fear is that one day I will reach a plateau with my dancing. Then it would be a waste of time at that point with the same 12 moves over and over again. If I can't get past any plateaus, then I should quit. 

"We have to bring this to the next level or else shut it down." Brad Pitt, Fight Club, deleted scenes 

The thing about plateaus is that there are many plateaus. An infinite amount. Keep practicing. Moves evolve subtly over time and improvement can definitely be seen from a year to year basis. What the improvement looks like, I couldn't tell you. 

Because of my musical moves, I am sure that at this point the whole town thinks I'm crazy. Today I went to the museum and I had the 11 minute version of Disco Inferno and I tried to be just like Saturday Night Fever. The 70s disco style. I just wish I had a disco 70s hairstyle and a shirt with a big collar and bell bottom disco pants. In draw the line on platform shoes. I do see some areas for improvement with my 70s disco moves. 

Michael Jackson had some treat dance moves in the video Rock with You. He raised one leg and put it down again. That's a good move. 

Michael Jackson's only good albums were Off the Wall and Thriller has a few good songs. 

Although Off the Wall is more musically brilliant on a technical level, Thriller was the one that made more money and won awards because of guest stars like Vincent Price and Eddy Van Halen which Off the Wall didn't have. 

Michael Jackson had a lot of problems during his life. Major problems. 

After Thriller, his other albums were, yeah, they were all right. Who cares? It was after Thriller that his problems in life majorly started. 

Michael Jackson came from a Ringling Brothers circus travelling band kind of family. His parents raised all 7 children to be musicians. Be an astronaut? No, you have to be a musician. Be an auto mechanic? No. Be a security guard? No. Be a doctor? No. You have to be a musician. 

Fortunately and bafflingly as it turned out, they were talented musicians. Profoundly talented. 

I wish Michael Jackson wasn't so swishy. There is a saying. God meets people where they are at. That means that one must accept a celebrity for whoever they are and for whatever way they are or were. 

When it was announced that Michael Jackson was going to marry Elvis' daughter, an Arab man said, "It would be better if he was gay." 

As he got older, Michael Jackson just got weirder and weirder. In the movie Brad's Status, Ben Stiller said, "My gay friend, as time goes on and as he gets older, he just gets gayer and gayer." 

Michael Jackson had a wife named Deb Rowe. Michael Jackson got plastic surgery so he could look like Rob Lowe. I'm an artist who draws faces to some degree of skill. I can recognize faces. It's called the Fregoli Effect, ha ha. Rob Lowe looks like a guy but he also has some delicate features that looks like a girl. "What's that? It's Pat. Time for andrigyny." SNL

As Michael Jackson got older, his nose got thinner and thinner. The old Michael Jackson looks nothing like the Jackson 5 Michael Jackson. In the Jackson 5 his nose was natural. It looked respectable, hard core and it was the real Michael Jackson. 

I think about Maria. She never says the things I do such as I fear the future, I don't know if I exactly want to go through with old age, I'd rather skip old age altogether etc. She and millions of others who have died. 

Yet she died and I'm still alive. She got a reprieve from life which is baffling and overwhelming.  I previously envisioned a future where Maria lives to 80 and I live to 70. Paint your world. That's how I would have painted my world. As it turns out the World doesn't give a care as to how you want to paint your world. The world will paint its own picture for you. 

Maria died and now I'm all alone in this World. I wish I got a reprieve like Maria did. Now I most likely have to go through old age which I'm not at all sure that I want to. To go through old age and death and the afterlife is to deal with 3 existential crises. To skip old age is to only have to go through 2 existential crises. The less existential crises, the better. 

Old age will be freaky, death is freaky and the afterlife, if there is one, would be freaky. 

At least I could have the consolation of an early reprieve like Maria did. 

Thursday, October 19, 1023

Its time for me to as the British say, drop it. I have to not fear the future etc and to have faith. 

There is a God. So many people, so many Churches, so many centuries. People wouldn't be doing something in such massive quantities if they thought it was a lie. Even Royalty and Heads of State go to Church. 

People have talked about a lot of things. Very vivid dreams where dead friends and relatives and even Jesus was talked to, NDEs, deathbed visions. A lot of Priests have seen people have deathbed visions. 

"There are more things under the sun than dreamed of in your philosophy, Horatio." Shakespeare 

There is a God looking out for people. There is a schedule. God has a plan for the World and humans etc. 

Remember vivid dreams where dead relatives and even Royalty looking young like they stepped out of a Hollywood hair salon with the feathered hair, even individual hairs seen on the side of the head, the forehead having a shine spot as if it was made of porcelain. 

Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu has formed a 12 member war cabinet as the basis of government. Does that mean that Israeli government for the time being is technically a quasi military-junta? 

Today I only went to Subway and that's it. 

I am planning to see Killers of the Flower Moon in the next few days. Male movie reviewers like Jeremy Jahns said the movie was great and every minute of it was great and even though it was a 3 - 1/2 hour movie, there was not one boring moment. 

Grace Randolph thought the pacing was slow and a lot of scenes were long and drawn out. But Grace Randolph is the same person who thought that Barbie was a great movie, one of the best she's ever seen, along with the Jimmy Stewart movie Rear Window. 

Friday, October 20, 2023

This morning I went to McDonald's and got an egg muffin with sausage to go. At home, I sprinkled truffle salt on the egg in the egg McMuffin. Takes it to a whole new level. 

I got a Google card and got the basic Autumn Pass on Hustle Castle. 

Today J went to the dentist. I got my dentures! When I first looked in the mirror to see my new dentures at the dentist office, I quoted from the movie Never Cry Wolf. 

"Survival. Of the fittest." The Mike smiled and showed his new dentures. 

I am still doing my musical moves. The moves and tempo and pacing are different for every song. For the classic top 40 Ray Parker Junior songs, I try to channel the 1982 UBC vibes. 1982 was the golden age of University. Except back then, there were no MP3 players. Just Walkman with cassette. The computers back then were glass screen CRT monitors that displayed only two colors, black and green. TV's had a better display than computers. 

Today, if you have a laptop that displays 4K and a 1080p television, the computer screen has a better display than the television screen. This wasn't possible in 1982. 1982 was when Commodore 64 PET computers were used. The motto was 64 kilobytes was more than enough memory for anybody. 

Video games were Pong, Asteroid, Tank and Missile Command and Space Invaders. 

Stan Smith Adidas shoes and rugby pants were in fashion then. I had a pair of pea green rugby pants back then. 

Raiders of the Lost Ark and Bill Murray starring in Stripes were the most popular movies in 1982. The movie Never Cry Wolf was popular in 1982 as well. 

After going to the dentist, I went to the DVD store and got two movies on blu Ray. Paul, which is about an alien, and A Clockwork Orange for some old school nostalgia. 

Saturday, October 21, 2023

I went to see Killers of the Flower Moon. Grace Randolph was right. It's a three and a half hour pot-boiler. Did this movie ever drag on. Another movie reviewer said that some movie reviewers say that you don't feel the length of this movie, that, "It feels like a 2 hour movie instead of a 3 1/2 hour movie. 

But the body has an internal clock you feel the three and a half hours."

At one point I looked at my watch which is something I never do at movies. The watch said 3:45. The movie started at 12:30 so 3 and a half hours is 4:30. No. It's 4 pm. 

I only had 15 minutes to go. So I stayed. I was this close to walking out of the movie. If it was to go on til 4:30 I would have walked out. 

I the past, I've walked out of a few movies. Blair Witch project because of motion sickness, The Insider with Russell Crowe, and Terence Malik's Tree of Life. Boring boring boring. 

Lily Gladstone as Molly Burkhart was the best performance of the film. 

The movie is like a slow crawl through Osage County during the 1920s.

Two days ago, I parted with $28 to get an Autumn Pass from Hustle Castle. I got a major uniform for the archer. And other prizes. Golden tickets can be found if one gets a mountain rune from the Halloween pumpkin smashing event. 

Sunday, October 22, 2023

I decided not to go to Church. 

I might go once every few months. 

One of the Churches I went to put me on a work detail with no end in sight. Then this other person talking about me doing some drawings. Sounds weird. No thanks. Otherwise some spinny people. And a lot of squares. It's a square scene. 

Me and the people at Church are nothing alike. I am into musical moves, parkour with the scooter, I was an animated cartoonist. The people at Church aren't quite like that. 

Drak in the movie Guardians of the Galaxy said something along the lines of, "There are two types of people in the world. Those who are dancers and those who are not. You're a dancer. She's not. That's why it would never work between the two of you." 

A video on YouTube said, "When social interactions feel like a chore, like you are wearing a mask that doesn't fit, that's your cue to retreat to yourself." 

Better to be alone than to constantly be in the wrong company. 

The video takes it full circle and also says, "If your ego make you attempt to socialize now, it would be seen as an attempt to transcend. Only when you have been in solititudd long enough and learned the things you needed to learn, you will then be more than ready to integrate into society again with what important lessons your solitude has taught you."*

Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer have a very dynamic and relevant preaching style. The preaching style at the Churches in town are rather dry. 

Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyers preaching leaves one inspired and enervated. 

The preaching at the Churches in town leave one baffled and reeling or else leave me feeling no better than when I went in. 

*source: Don't Fear Being Alone: You NEED To Be | Here's Why. From: Better Life. YouTube 

I wish that I died rather than Maria. She probably like life and living more than I do and even if she had anorexia, I'm sure that she would have wanted to go on living with the anorexia. 

Whereas my life is going nowhere. I don't see how life could or would get better. When I was young, I thought that moving to the right town would make all the difference. I'm old enough to know now that all towns are equally backwater and each town has a lot of delinquent people. 

Each town has its Churches which are cults which are cliques which each have some gangster empire builder mentality and if you show them even the slightest interest they will try to coopt you into their weird culty scene. 

Catholicism is better than Protestantism in that Catholics are all united under one system, one denomination, one Vatican, one Pope. In that way I intellectually respect the Catholic Church more than the Protestant Church. 

Whereas Protestantism is a mixed up alphabet soup of so many denominations, episcopalians, Baptists, Anglican, Presbyterian, evangelical, etc etc. Each with their weird culty differences that differentiate one another. 

Protestant Churches was founded because King Henry the 8th wanted to legally divorce the wives he couldn't or wouldn't have executed which is a most silly and spurious and most preposterous reason to find a Church. 

Catholic Queen Mary of Scots, ironically a daughter of KH8, Bloody Mary arranged to have as many Protestants killed as she could in whatever narrow window time she had and she she thousands of Protestants killed. And then in some tit for tat, her sister Protestant Queen Elizabeth I had as many Catholics killed as she could and she had thousands killed too. 

Actually Protestantism started with Martin Luther when he hammered his proclamation on the door of the Church. His teachings got popular. Then St Thomas Moore who was KH8's Bishop recommended him to convert to Protestantism and found the C of E so he could divotce his wives. Later on, KH8 paranoid as ever in a fit of paranoid rage had St Thomas Moore executed. 

A whole lot of Priests like William Laud and Thomas Cranmer were executed for their faith. 

Such were the auspicious and spiritual beginnings of the Protestant Church. 

I wouldn't have to worry about the insufferability of the denominations of Protestant Churches anymore if I died when Maria died and if Maria was still alive. I have always resented that I have to go on living when the future seems hopeless and going nowhere and when every single town I could go to would turn out to be a waste of time and not worth it. Maria liked life a lot more than I do. So it's baffling that I'm still living. Maria got an early reprieve. I have to yet go on enduring the insufferable and contemptible and tawdry and wretched trappings of life. 

Why couldn't I have gotten an early reprieve? 

Yet I am still a Protestant. In marriages and in religions too, one has to overlook a lot. Whatever medieval acts of Priestly executions were done in the Medieval days does not take away the line of pure spiritual reckoning that Protestantism and indeed all religions have. 

I think that the afterlife is messy and chaotic but also exquisite. It'd be like being awake at 4 am in a university dorm room where I live alone. There'd be lots of beer bottles and boxes of pizza. It's 4 am. I want to stay awake but I have to sleep. 

In the afterlife it's like that except that I never have to go to sleep. Ever. 

Eating every day is a hassle. What to eat? Eaten in a lot of restaurants over and over again. Walk to get the food. Leg muscles ache. In the afterlife, you don't have to worry about any of that. 

My life is going nowhere. My life would also be going nowhere in the afterlife but who cares? Life would be going nowhere under a different set of physics. In the afterlife, I won't have to eat, sleep, walk anywhere, feel too hot or too cold, be young with a full head of hair with no male pattern baldness and receding hairline. No dental pains. Ever. Yet with all my teeth including the characteristically and inevitable crooked bottom teeth. 

The physics of this dimension hijack the senses into seeking a better ideal which correspond to the sensory needs of this dimension. Need to sleep, need to get a more comfortable bed. Need to eat, need to constantly go out and shop for food. Need to walk, need to get a vehicle even a daily bus pass in order to make travel more fascile. 

I the afterlife, I won't have to worry about that. But I fear the afterlife will be just as messy with disappointments and broken promises and lost potential as much as this dimension has. In the afterlife, all physical problems get commuted to spiritual and intellectual problems such as snarky people etc. So that's why I fear the afterlife. To compensate for the absence of physical problems which are traditional in this dimension, the intellectual and snarky people problems will be felt to a whole new degree of intensity and annoyance. Someone said if emotions could be temperature, feeling the emotions of someone in the afterlife would be like standing next to a blast furnace. 

I wish I was able to be reprieved of life like Maria but I also fear the afterlife. 

The afterlife is like a delinquent child who swears to be good but invariably winds up being mischievous again. And what were the chances of that? 

Today, is Heather's birthday. I wasn't going to see her for a lot of reasons. If I don't show up for her birthday, then she doesn't have to show up for mine. I already did a lot for her but for some reason it's not enough. I got to do more. 

I wasn't going to go then I saw a Debbie Hellion video on YouTube. It's Daisy the dog's birthday today too. 

Life has to. Just has to throw in that extra sign or nudging. There's no escaping it. That prompted me to go see Heather for her birthday. The power of suggestion. 

She was at home doing nothing else. We went to Tim Hortons and then she visited me at my apartment. We watched a Fleetwood Mac concert on YouTube. Her idea. I gave her a birthday present. 

I'm glad I went to see her today. Had I not gone to see her from some weird stubbornness, I would have regretted it later on. I'm glad I saw her today. 

Today me and Heather was at Tim Hortons and we were across the street from the Jewish Temple. I said to Heather, "Seeing the Jewish Temple across the street, I think about Israel and I hope they make it through this event." 

Heather said, "They'll make it." 

Israel went through much worse. 

1967. Israel makes preemptive attacks against Syria, Jordan and Egypt. 

And then Israel went through a time in 1973 when Syria and Egypt simultaneously attacked and during a holiday when a lot of Israeli troops were on a furlough. 

Israel got the upper hand and got control of the Sinai Peninsula in 6 days and held control of it until 1978 and the Camp David Accord. 

Anyways, Israel went through worse and made it and at a time before there was the Iron Dome and now the Iron Beam. Iron Laser Beam?! That sounds like something from a Star Wars movie. 

"Once more unto the breach." Shakespeare, Henry V

I have a wart in my lower body that still hasn't gone away. I'm going to the clinic. The wart has been there for at least 4 weeks. I hope it's nothing serious. But my health anxiety addled disordered brain tells me that it is something serious. I don't have training or a medical degree to prove otherwise. If it's something serious, then I'll have to be euthanized. That's the picture that my health anxiety brain is painting. 

Nurse Julie said there are two things to watch for. Sudden major weight loss over a short period of time and also problems with the stool especially blood in the stool. 

Those are things to watch for. 

Sudden hair loss is another and frequent nose bleeds. 

I don't have any of those serious symptoms. 

Actually, because of a few issues I have going on in my body, I think I might be dying. I think this often. I have chronic health anxiety. 

"Ghost of Christmas future. I fear you more than any other spirit." 

The future is an imaginary thoughtform juxtaposed against the present in some imaginary diagram. The reality is that one will never have to face the future. One will only ever have to face the present moment. The future is an aspect of the present moment and so is the past. 

Whenever I regress and relapse into my fear of the future, my cheeks will expand like Dizzy Gillespie and I start hyperventilating. I do this a lot and everywhere like in movie theatres and walking down the street as I am having a minor panic attack. 

If someone's clothing has writing or an interesting illustration on it, I will look at it for a second longer. Sometimes I will see a sign. But sometimes not as well. I look at clothes of people of all ages. Children, young people, old people. GQ Magazine. Study people's fashions. This is an ongoing intrusive and unwanted thought. 

I don't know if I have what it takes to live the rest of my life. Life is too baffling and overwhelming.

I met a famous politician on the street today. I said hello, I'm happy to meet you. I won't say which politician. The politician is locally famous. Not a lot of people in the States or even Eastern Canada would know about this politician. 

Three days ago, US President Joe Biden met with Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu. 

The US President said, "We must do everything to ensure the safety of Palestinian civilians in Gaza." PM Netanyahu gave a non-committal nod. 

The difference is President Joe Biden has a lot of Palestinian or else Muslim people in the country and he is somewhat dependant on their vote. Whereas PM Netanyahu doesn't really depend on the Palestian vote like Joe Biden does. 

Today I went to the walk-in clinic to ask about the issue in my lower body. 

The doctor said it was nothing to worry about. It's not cancer and it's not an HPV related wart. It's a sebaceous cyst and nothing should be done about it. Even apllying topical and antibiotic creams would do nothing. 

At first I said that I have health anxiety and I'm worried that what I have is serious and that I would die. And if I were to die, if I could get euthanized. I also said that I suffer from extreme health anxiety and that any problem in my body makes my mind paint the worst picture and that these pictures are most likely unrealistic. The attendant I said this to merely nodded. He has probably seen a lot of patients with health anxiety.

I got medical clearance about my sebaceous cyst. 

80 years ago, in the 40s and 50s, people were taught differently. They were taught to keep a stiff upper lip, to tough it out. There was no health anxiety and anxiety disorders and depression and burnout. People worked 17 hour days and 6 day and sometimes 7 day weeks. A man had to be tough and strong. A lady had to be pristine and to don't complain and don't explain. 

Today the internet and the pandemic and lots of free time has turned this into a Nation of people with very specialized and rarefied mental health issues of an exquisite nature. 

I have mental issues. I'm not perfect. If I were a Priest or a politician or a Police Officer then I could possibly achieve 100% psychological perfection. 

In German, nouns are capitalized. I capitalize a lot of nouns like Police Officer etc. 

I'm like Bob in the Bill Murray movie What About Bob?. Bob feared all things and his psychiatrist told him to take baby steps. I was nervous before going to the University to see the Bob MacDonald science lecture and also to the University movie theatre to see the Talking Heads movie. I took baby steps to go there. 

I hope I find a really nice girlfriend who I am passionately into. If not then that's God's plan for me. Women are half the Earth and are a very powerful force. There's no chasing or finding a woman but there's also no avoiding them either. 

"Can't deny it, you're only hiding from love." Bryan Adams 

"Someday, love will find you. Break those chains that bind you." Journey, Separate Ways from the movie Tron Legacy

I'd like to be like Tron future warrior. Like Walter Mitty I imagine in my mind that I am on the rain sliced streets at night in a city years into the future. The puddles on the streets reflect the neon lights of a thousand different pastel colours set against the darkness of a city at night. I am there wearing a Tron suit with a glowing neon stripe design. I have a staff which is my Tron fighting stick that I guess can also turn into a motorcycle. I am there fighting on top of a moving train. I am doing aerial cartwheels and backflips perfectly. 

Heaven is for me, UBC in 1982. I would like to be there for eternity but to also mix it up. In that 1982 UBC heaven I would also have anachronisms from the future such as the Internet, YouTube built into a 4K smart TV, MP3 player and I would also be 24 years old forever. The only rule to make it more realistic is that in that heaven, no music recorded after 1982 would exist. YouTube would have a 20 year catalogue of videos going back to the 60s but no videos recorded after 1982. 

But those would be very limiting rules. So forget them. In that 1982, all music and YouTube videos would be available in that heaven. Even people born after 1982 and people who left the Earth before 1982, could visit there as well. 

What would make it 1982 is the buildings and the furniture within the buildings except for the tablets and internet and MP3 players too. 

All vehicles would be 1982 or older. 

I would need a 1982 model white 4 door BMW 635i.

This could be a Sphynxian riddle."What does everyone fear but does not exist?" "The future." 

That's the answer to the Sphynxian riddle. You'll never have to face the future. You'll only ever have to fsce the present moment as the future morphs in to and out of the present moment. 

Sometimes one has said it all and there's nothing left to say. 

I don't know what's going on with Israel. I don't know what to say except that I hope that Israel pulls through and makes it through this and that either sides emerge from this for the better or at any rate agree not to fight anymore. Instead of fighting they should build. A casino. A 5 star hotel. A race track, the Middle East is well known for fine race horses. 

But instead they fight because they're pugilistic individuals in a pugilistic Nation. 

They claim to be the birthplace of so many religions and that they're really gungo ho about it being a spiritual place. Incendiary warfare is the apex of spirituality. 

As far as I know, Judaism, Christianity and Islam are Abrahamic regions. Abraham had two sons, Isaac and Ishmael. Isaac became Jewish. Ishmael, or Ismail, started one of the ten tribes of Israel that would eventually found Islam. If not one of the ten tribes then the group of people that would eventually found Islam. 

Isaac had a son named Jaxon. Jacob had a son named David, who would eventually become King David of Israel. 

Islam was founded around 600 AD in Saudi Arabia which is quite a distance from Jerusalem so I don't know what the story is. 

Abraham would be rather non-plussed if he saw 'the children of Israel' including the Isaacians and the Ishmaelites raising arms against one another. 

A friend of mine named Zeke Hoskins wrote a song called Its All Under Control. He's old, about seventy or eighty so he would have wisdom on another level due to age and experience. He was a scientist at one time. Perhaps all of this is a controlled choreography to whatever extent. Hoskin, Hoskins, sound Russian like Pushkin. 

Tuesday, October 24, 2023

Today I went to Fisherman's Wharf. It was rainy today. At Fisherman's Wharf, I bought 2 fish cakes. I was mainly dancing all day during the walk. I have to perfect the timing of the moves down to the 16th note or something like that. 

I felt panic and anxiety all day. 

Vancouver has the Woodward's Christmas display which is well known to a lot of folks:

However New York City has the Dyker Heights neighborhood and the normal Christmas lights house displays there are like the Vancouver Woodward's Christmas display on cocaine:

The Spata House in the New York City Dyker Heights Christmas lights house pictured below is like the Vancouver Woodward's Christmas display on meth! 

Meth is cocaine on steroids. Fentanyl is heroin on steroids. 

The New York City Dyker Heights Christmas lights house displays can be seen on YouTube especially one video from uploader: The NYC Walking Show. 

Video titled: Dyker Heights Christmas Lights 2022 in Brooklyn New York City. 

I have to honour the memory of all my friends who have gone on through not holding on to the grief but to let them go and to just move on with the rest of my life. They would want me to live with courage and with honour. 

Today, I saw the movie Rock the Casbah. Filmed in pre Taliban Afghanistan, Bill Murray is a musical talent scout who discovers a young Muslim lady living in a cave in Pashtun Province. She has the voice of an angel. Bill Murray puts her on a local variety show with a mostly muted response. Needless to say, that is a very conservative Nation. She is met with much opprobrium but eventually most people accept her. 

The movie left me thinking of the innocent civilians in Gaza and feeling sad for them. Muslims are very gracious and are people with a lot of integrity. I don't want to see innocent civilians hurt or killed. And for hospitals to shut down without electricity is an absolute nightmare that rivals any apocalyptic television series like The Last of Us. 

Speaking of The Last of Us, there is a new movie about mushrooms at the IMAX theatre. It's called The World of Fungi. 

85% of people in Gaza are Sunni Muslim. 

Saddam Hussein was a Sunni Muslim although most people in Iraq are Shia Muslim. 

Pico Iyer said something along the lines of that a lot of cultures borrowed, appropriated, or otherwise reverse engineered technology from Islamic cultures and claimed them as their own. Things like algebra, the base 10 numeral system, crystalline glasses like Crystal d'Arc from France, surgical tools like the scalpel and forceps and tweezers, metallurgy which guns wouldn't have developed without Islamic techniques of metallurgy, use of blue cobalt on pottery, weaving techniques etc. 

One day, the world will get it together but that won't be until 200 years from now. I also predicted that before 200 years from now has elapsed, the human species will end. It will have ran itself into the ground. So which is it? Get it together or run itself into the ground? It's one or the other. 

Wednesday, October 25, 2023

Today I went to the cable store to pay for my internet. The cable store said they no longer process accounts in store, but if I go to my bank, they will process my internet bill. 

I went to Walmart and got some Febreze. I got sweet peony which smells like the discontinued New Zealand Springs which smells like the airport in 2011. I coincidentally just happened to get Febreze NZ Springs that day and it is quite a heavenly scent. It smells like 'Life is a heavenly adventure' smell when all is well and I am on a vacation or staycation with my pockets flush with money. 

I'm on welfare. My pockets aren't flush with money. My pockets are flush with lint, perhaps. 

I also got 2 DVDs. Ghostbusters 2022 and The Banshees of Inisherin. For sale at Walmart. 

Then I went to Langford BC. Langford has a restaurant called Authentic Indian Cuisine. Don't let the generic name fool you. The chef worked at the 5 star hotel called the Taj Mahal in Delhi. 

Not to be confused with Trump's Taj Mahal casino nor the Taj Mahal Hotel in Mumbai which got hit with the terrorist attack from an Islamic terrorist group probably ISIS or AL Quaeda. 

The food was really good. On point. The butter chicken was a bit sour. I am used to a sweeter butter chicken. But a Chinese noodle dish can have a dozen variations in recipe depending on the region and all those recipes are at least a Michelin one star. 

I ordered butter chicken with rice and lamb VIndaloo, and a mango lassi and naan bread. I ate half of the butter chicken, it really is a large portion and had the rest to go. I had the lamb and bread to go. I drank the mango lassi in the restaurant. It was purely exquisite. 

The curry has a silky texture thst just melts in the mouth. There is a je ne sais quois to it which is the hallmark of all great cooking. 

The butter chicken tasted sour because I had the flavour of the mango lassi. Afterwards, I tried it again and it does indeed have a signature sweetness. Exquisite. 

I'll go there again one of these days. 

I could see how someone could develop a lifelong addiction to lassi. It would give bubble tea a run for its money. 

I'm am afraid of the future. Of course that's the brain going haywire as the future is really the present moment in disguise. Uncertain future, dismal boring hopeless future. That's what I fear. 

I am also worried about that cyst in my lower body. I'm afraid it might go elephantiasis and grow to the size of a smart car and then at that point I'd be dead. This is the imagination of someone who has very little to no medical training. 

Well, don't ever lose that imagination. 

Dr. Tracy Marks talks about health anxiety. She says just because you think something it doesn't mean it's true. 

She also said doctors have seen a lot of cases and has a basis of comparison based on experience whereas you don't. The doctor has seen and knows what cases are serious and what cases are not. 

Also, she said that serious diseases aren't just one symptom but usually a collection of symptoms and if someone has 1 out of 8 symptoms, they don't have the serious disease. If the disease is what you think it is, I'd also be seeing this and that and I'm not seeing any of those other symptoms. 

That's CBT cognitive behavioural therapy for health anxiety. 

"She wakes up in the morning gathering the Reza, 

So that every mouth can be fed, 

Oh, oh, the Israelites." 

The Israelites, Desmond Dekker 

When I was in elementary school, I pretended that I was Steve Austin. The others at school called me mental but they also called me the 6 million dollar man. 

These days I'm still mental. I'm pretending that I'm Tony Manelli who is John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. I want to perfect my dance moves and become one of the most unique dancers in the World. It's impossible to be the best. That's a subjective value. 

Guitarists, martial artists, chefs, so many styles, all of them masters. To say which is best is impossible. They are all at a certain level. 

When I was in Langford and on the bus, I was doing my musical moves and even at the Indian restaurant too. I'm sure they must think I'm mental. 

If I had 6 million dollars I could write my own ticket. I'd move to somewhere in James Bay. But I'd also visit Sidney and Vancouver for vacations lasting for days on end. With $6 million, I could do it especially if I stay at a hotel that's not expensive. 

With that amount of money, I'd have enough and plenty left over to visit London. I have to have guts to travel to London. 

Money minus guts equals no traveling at all. 

If I had $6 million, I'd get an 80s BMW. 

The United States elected a House speaker today. His name is Mike Johnson. 

Really? Mike Johnson, Mike Jackson, Michael Jackson. 

I was writing about Michael Jackson a few days ago. That turned out to be somewhat prescient. 

Donald Trump walked out of court. Could you do that? Isn't that contempt of court? The next time someone walks out of court, you could say that they 'did a Trump'. 

Today I got The Citadel of the Gods background on Hustle Castle. 

Thursday, October 26, 2023

I have a very good friend whose last name is Graham. Lots of people have that name. The name is Scottish. 

I found out yesterday in a YouTube video about the most haunted house in Scotland that a man named Robert Bruce killed King James I in Perth Scotland in 1437.  King James I of Scotland tried to usurp rights from the nobility. After that the capital of Scotland was moved frkm Perth to Edinburgh. 

There is a Perth Australia. I didn't know there is a Perth in Scotland. 

Today's meals for me. Restaurant leftovers. Don't waste leftovers. Don't spend money if you don't haveto. 

In Maine USA, a man named Robert Card shot and killed 18 people. He is still on the loose! There's a moose loose aboot this hoose! 

The US Marshall's Service who are experts in manhunts has been dispatched and deployed to the Lewiston Maine area. 

Yesterday I completed watching Twisted Metal. 

Post apocalyptic world. Milkmen are sent to deliver goods between cities on dangerous routes. The Milkman, John Jones meets a lady named Quiet. For making a run, he is promised a home in an enclosed land area that is safe from threats. 

The show was a tour de force. 

The enemy in this show is Sweet Tooth. He is portrayed by a Samoan wrestler. But the voice is done by someone else. This is how Darth Vader was portrayed in Star Wars. David Prowse was the phsyical walking Darth Vader while James Earl Jones was the voice. 

This morning at a Starbucks in Langley on Fraser Highway and 216th Avenue, someone got shot and killed at a drive through. I've heard of drive by shooting. I've never heard of drive through shooting. 

This is the latest chapter in the ever ongoing court intrigues of the gangland world of the lower mainland of BC in Canada. 

The Police said this was a targeted gang hit and there is no further risk to the public unlike the situation that is ongoing in Maine, USA. 

Friday, October 27, 2023

Today is a new day and a day to live it right. Even if it's a day where one wants to stay home and catch up on movies, Seize the Day. 

Just like I worry about my cyst growing to the size of a smart car, this same brain of mine makes me worry about Israel and also of Russia and Ukraine. 

Followed to its furthest ultimate possibility, World War 3, total and complete global thermo nuclear war. Civilization and the human species will end in less than a year. 

Israel and Palestine is kind of like the Hatfield and the McCoys except the actual historical Hatfiled and McCoy families are no longer fighting over the supposed theft of a pig, Israel and Palestine are at it fighting tooth and nail, chereb* and scimitar. 

*Israelite sword mentioned 413 times in the Bible. 

A normal cooking pot cooks food from the outside in. A microwave oven cooks food from the inside out. 

A normal bomb explodes. An atomic bomb implodes. 

Nuclear radioactivity is strange. 

The mushroom movie at IMAX doesn't look that interesting. There is a YouTube video about mushrooms and funguses in India that looks better. I was going to see the mushroom movie but my brain is in a fog. I feel too lethargic, motivational syndrome. 

Lots of people spend all day indoors working at offices or some other white collar job. 

My musical moves or so called dance moves seem ridiculous if I never actually go dancing at the night club. Going to the night club is a hassle and I never go. I wonder if I'd be better off in the afterlife because there, one presumably doesn't have to grapple with such dilemmas. Yet here I am. The musical moves are there to stave off boredom. I'm become so habituated to it that I can't stop doing the musical moves. I'm trying to improve over time. Often, I stop for awhile because I think it's getting ridiculous. Then I start again one day, and what, because of all the previous practice under my belt, my newest latest moves are better than ever before. Baffling. There is more unpredictability, more tailoring a certain set of moves to each different song, more of a hypnotic quality that hypnotizes even me, more of a getting into the pithy heart of the rhythm. 

Walking and musical moves is the Weil Walk. Andrew Weil said the body can often heal itself and dancing while walking can help this process. It's a psychosomatic approach. 

If through any chance, there is any Christian or heck, people of any religion, please say a prayer for me that my sebaceous cyst in my lower body goes away. I saw a doctor who said it is a sebaceous cyst and should go away on its own in time. 

On top of it all I also have big time health anxiety. Big time. 

"Worry dolls. Take away all worries." 

"Really?! Do you have bigger ones." 

"No, these are lovely but it's just that we have big worries," 

"Grande worries." 

"No?" 

"Investments." 

"No. Investmentsitos?" 

"Markets. Market fluctuations."

"Sometimes go up. Sometimes go down. Like that."

BMO Commercial

"Investmentsitos?" 

Worry dolls are sold on Amazon, either one or in bundles as truly worried people usually have quite a few worries. They are to be placed under the pillow. Sleep on it and your worries should go away. They are made in Guatemala. 

Maybe I should move to another country where people are more close knit. Then I would be invited to go to a nightclub with them as a group. 

I am thinking of eventually getting worry dolls or maybe just one worry doll. I also want to get a really good Matryoska doll. No, two Matryoska or Russian nesting dolls. One wearing a light blue dress, an old woman with light grey hair. Then I need one wearing a red dress, a young woman with black hair. 

I was also thinking of getting the Helena Shaw funko pop doll. 

None of these things are priorities. 

Helena Shaw funko pop doll. 

I once had a dream where I was in a museum. Walking down a hall to my left encased in a glass exhibit, was a young Russian soldier with black hair and a thin black mustache. He was wearing a red Nutcracker Suite military uniform. 

Then walking towards me down the hall was an old tall Russian soldier wearing a light blue Nutcracker Suite military uniform. He had a large light grey beard and light grey hair. 

I took the dream to mean that in my life there are military or otherwise Police forces looking out for me. Some are younger and some are older. 

The Russians are good people and very spiritual and they are looking out for or else protecting a lot of people perhaps including myself. 

Old people are good at wisdom and experience. Young people are very good at athletics and they are very good with new technology. There are young people today under 20 who are better at the computer than I am and I am 53 years old. 

When I visited the Bob MacDonald lecture at the University, a older couple sat to my left and a younger couple sat to my right. 

Then at the Talking Heads movie at the University an older couple sat in the row in front of me, and a younger couple sat to my right. 

This reminded me of my Russian dream about the younger soldier and the older soldier. 

Today I went to Mayfair Mall and got the Helena Shaw funko pop doll. It was on sale. 

Shopping equals tempted. I saw other funko pope dolls that looked interesting but Helena Shaw is the one I wanted for a long time. 

I wasn't going to go out today. I decided to go and see if the Helena Shaw funko pop was at a local comic shop where I saw it 3 months ago. It wasn't but I was told that it was available at the mall. I was thinking of seeing the IMAX mushroom movie. But I was at the mall at 2:35 and didn't have time to make the 3:00 pm showing of the movie. 

I'll see the mushroom movie next time. 

Uldate: At 7:45 pm local time, the shooter in Maine was found dead. No further risk to the public. This is another occasion where upon reflection, worries were unfounded. 

I had all kinds of worries. I worried he would go to a house and take a family hostage or maybe hide in a backyard in a covered boat like the Boston bombers did. 

Not having all the facts doesn't prevent the mind from painting a picture. 

There was a News report that said his car was found near a river and scuba divers were searching a river. I thought that maybe he did a Virginia Woolf and drowned himself. 

All guesses. He was found near a river dead of a self inflicted gun shot wound. 

Well if it means anything at any rate, the Boston bomber was found in a boat without a river. The Maine shooter was found near a river without a boat. 

Usually the two go together. A boat on a river. 

A boat on a river is  the theme of Charon the boatsman who ferries people on the river Styx across to the afterworld. 

Someone Oriental might see a Vietnamese boat an on a Sampan on a Spring morning on a river with a bird of paradise with a tail that just goes on forever. I had a dream exactly like that. 

The one question is, "What. 17 wasn't enough? He had to push it to 18?!"

What made him kill himself?! I'm thinking bad coincidences. The worst. These coincidences latch on to a paranoid delusional guilt ridden mind which would make all kinds of connections, based in reality or not. Usually not. 

And maybe he saw the ghosts of people he did in telling him to do himself in. Doing in one person is one thing. Even doing in two people is on a other level from doing in one person. But doing in 18?! With that many casualties, chances are he could have seen at least one ghost. 

That guy knew what would happen. What he did was a fryable offense, they don't use the electric chair anymore. It's a lethal injectionable offense. 

They play hard ball States-side. They don't fuck around. Unlike Canada, or maybe not. In Canada, things get handled. 

Why did he do it? It would take a criminologist and a forensic psychiatrist to truly answer that question. I don't have such qualifications. 

However, his life turned out to be a country music song. He had mental illness. He lost his job and his girlfriend left him. You don't have to be Sigmund Freud to guess that something like that would've just destroyed his mental health. 

Saturday, October 28, 2023

I shouldn't have gone shopping. Shopping opens one up to temptations. Things I previously didn't know existed are now on a must have list. 

When I was shopping for the Helena Shaw funko pop, I saw a Michael Jackson Thriller funko pop. I would get a Michael Jackson funko pop, but I would need the Off The Wall, natural nose, big afro Michael Jackson funko pop. With Thriller, Michael Jackson had a plastic surgery rhinoplasty nose. 

Reportedly, Michael Jackson's estate is very hesitant in allowing consent to make more Michael Jackson funko pop dolls. 

The other one I wanted to get is the Sam the Snowman Burl Ives Silver and Gold funko pop snowman. When I saw that at the store, I had a mega-blast wave  of nostalgia just wash over me. Christmas and that Burl Ives snowman is the apex of nostalgia. 

This is how addictions start. I don't want to spend a lot of money otherwise Ill be broke. So I am not getting the Michael Jackson funko pop. Thriller is second tier. Off the Wall afro hair Michael Jackson funko pop would be first tier. 

Burl Ives snowman funko pop, I'll get that next or in a couple of months. 

Pastor Joel said that God is a God of second chances. If you miss an opportunity, you will get another, maybe better opportunity. 

But sometimes if you want something, you have to just grab it right away. 

Sam the Snowman aka Burl Ives Silver and Gold snowman. Nostalgia or what? The store was asking $18 for this funko pop. I got the Helena Shaw funko pop for quite a bit less because there was a sale at the time. The thought of paying for two funko pops at once gave me some anxiety so I just paid for the one Helena Shaw funko pop. I've been wanting that one for months, spending endless nights mulling it over. The other funko pops I only just very recently found out existed. I really like the bobblehead nodding heads feature of the funko pop. The Helena Shaw funko pop is on another level. As you can see, the fashion design on the Helena Shaw funko pop is top rate. 

Michael Jackson Thriller funko pop. This is the red jacket he wore at the graveyard dancing with zombies in that video so it's not the best omen. Slight death omen. 

The most important thing is to remember to thank God for the gift of life. I thank God for helping me with my life. I thank God for the gift of music and dance. I thank God for my good health or relatively good health except for my cyst but it's getting better because in popped it last light when I was performing my evening ablutions, having a shower. The shower water disperses the awful liquid of the cyst which has viruses and could spread to other places on the skin. The internet said this. The shower is the best place to pop a cyst on the uh, lower body. Lower body is a conservative euphemism. I don't want to say exactly where it is as it would be offsetting. 

I thank God for the beautiful perfect sunlight that streams through the windows of my apartment room every day. 

Today I went to see the mushroom movie at IMAX. Bjork was the narrator. 

Mushrooms are fungi which is a separate kingdom from the animal and plant. Humans have more in common DNA wise with mushrooms than with plants. 

Mushrooms or funguses start off as spores and then grow mycellium which allow them to break down food. 

Mycelium is obviously a portmanteau of the words mycology which is the study of fungi and cilia meaning hair in Latin. 

Animals ingest food, structurally surrounding it and digest food from the outside in. 

Funguses grow into food and structurally get surrounded by it and digest food from the inside out. 

Mycellium connect to the roots of trees and there is a trade off as trees get carbon from funguses and fun uses get food nutrients from tree roots. 

Mycellium interconnect to not just one specie but several species of trees and exchange information through impulses containing different chemical signatures that talk about moisture level, carbon levels etc 

Human thought and arguably telepathy is often just one chemical impulse or frisson after another with such chemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, cortisol etc. 

Anyways, this networking or information superhighway between mushrooms and plants is called mycorrhiza. 

If one were to link every mycellium of every fungus on Earth end to end it would be as long as half of the Milky Way galaxy! 

Gardeners would do well to plant mushrooms in their gardens. 

The movie mentioned that 4/5ths of all old growth forests are gone due to deforestation. That's a lot so well done human species. Not. This deforestestation disrupts the mycelium networks between different plants and trees. But mycelium networks are millions of years old. They have developed ways to get around deforestation. 

It's a good movie. It was filmed in New Zealand and also in Hunan China. 

The protesters protesting for the protection of old growth forests are very courageous. The deforestation companies pay taxes and have connections to the government and can have the Police arrest protesters. Getting busted is a traumatic process and it is good to obey the law but it is also important that old growth forests are protected because they are the spirit of this land so this is a dilemma indeed. 

Global News said that tonight is a hunter's moon. I choose to conflate this with that it is thus an auspicious time for Israel to be doing a ground incursion of Gaza, Palestine. 

In an aliens movie, an Italian guy said, "La luna della cacciatore, the hunters moon."

I designed a funko pop that would most likely be the design for the Michael Jackson Off the Wall, Rock with You video version. I forgot to draw the silver sequins but funko pop may release it without sequins. Usually funko pop doesn't have sequins. 

Michael Jackson, Rock With You video. 

Today, Matthew Perry aka Chandler Bing on Friends died at age 54. He said he had a major addiction to alcohol and painkillers. 

Painkillers is a middle and upper class euphemism for opiates, hydromorphone aka dilaudid, oxycodone, oxycontin, Demerol, morphine sulfate, fentanyl patches. These drugs are doctor prescribed or else can be bought on the black market. 

Alcohol is a bad one. The best way is to be moderate with alcohol or else better yet, don't drink at all. 

Matthew Perry was in a movie called Fools Rush In which I saw. It was about a man all of a sudden being on the hook for child support. 

Sunday, October 29, 2023

I woke up with fear. At 9:40 am as I write this, I still feel fear. I fear the uncertainty of the future. Yet things were just as uncertain 5, 10, 15, 20 years ago yet I got through it. 

I fear where my life is. Things could be better. But they could be worse too. 

Don't act as if God isn't with you. He always is. 

I must live always dwelling on the presence of God and dedicating myself to be a vessel of his will for goodness. 

Yet I am not a perfect vessel. My sins are many. I smoke tobacco and marijuana. I look at my weird granny porn. Lately I've been looking at Granny AI generated images in imagefap. Those images are disturbing because they often depict AI generated images of naked grannies but with 6, 7, 8 fingers and phantom hand and arms and legs. High error rate. So much for the efficacy of AI and people's fears of AI. They couldn't even get hands right on an image. Like they say, you can always tell a true artist through their ability to draw hands. A good artist can draw hands. A not so good artist can not draw hands. Such pictures are more offerings from the internet. It's either a bucket of treasure or a basket of deplorables.

I have mental issues and this is the brain that I have to work with for the rest of my life?! 

I don't know how good of a vessel I can be for God's will if I have so many mental issues such as those listed above. 

I also think I'll be single for life. Either way I lose. A new girlfriend might seem like an escape. But always always, what was once an escape eventually becomes a trap. New towns, new friendships, etc. Being single is disillusionment. Not being single is relationship burnout. That's why I really dread the future. 

"Ghost of Christmas future, I fear you more than any other spirit."

Today I went to the Chinese Presbyterian Church. Quite a bit of the service was in Mandarin so there was a slight language barrier. 

Then I took the bus to Mayfair Mall and I got the Burl Ives Silver and Gold snowman funko pop. It wasn't on sale so I paid $19 for it. Worth it as I'm going to have this thing lifelong. 

I went to the mall food court and got a California roll and then I got two beef hard shell tacos. That really hit the spot. My stomach wasn't feeling right this morning. The tacos fixed up my gastro intestinal disturbance. 

I once saw the back of a car. On the shelf behind the rear window of that car was about 8 funko pops. Superheroes, Deadpool, etc. Funko pops are very collectible. 

Monday, October 30, 2023

Its been an interesting month. 

Today I only went shopping. I went to Burger King for the 2 sandwiches for $10 deal. That's a great deal. $10 CAD is about £4.50. 

Then I went to Shoppers Drug Mart to get a 2l cream soda, and some frozen dinners. 

Presidents Choice, beef and broccoli with rice and butter chicken. 

I was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered a lamb dish. The waiter must have remembered that I ordered the same thing last time. He said, "You only like lamb?" 

I replied that I like other dishes too. 

Lamb reminds me of the 70s. 

Then I returned to my one room apartment. 

The News said that Israeli PM Benjamin Netanyahu said it is a time for war. He might have quoted Ecclesiastes 3:1 There is a time for everything and every purpose under heaven. A time to be born, a time to die. A time for peace, a time for war. 

Israel is one of the easiest countries to emigrate to. Any person who is of the Jewish religion can claim a place in Israel as their spiritual homeland. Although now wouldn't really be a good time to do that. 

Any Israeli citizen, however would have to do at least a year of active duty in the military. The United States has that too. Its called selective service which means a year of military service including deployment to places overseas. 

Some soldiers would be psycho but in a good way. The normal amount of weapons a soldier has wouldn't be enough. He would need more weapons such as samurai swords and know parkour and singlehandedly take out an entire troop of enemies. 

Going on a military mission would be like a Lord of the Rings adventure. Instead of swords and armour and athelas, it would be machine guns and flak jackets and cocaine, I mean coffee. 

In today's military with the technology and techniques, the chances of getting shot and killed is way less than 50%, I'd say between about 7% and 15%. That's great odds for Vegas, that is, a minimum of 85% chance of winning. 

Tuesday, October 31, 2023

This is it for another month. I'm not dressing ip for Halloween. 

This morning I woke up at 3:30 am with a really bad gastro intestinal reflux disorder. I drink extra strength pepto bismol. That kind of worked. Eating a banana helped and also I cooked up some rice mush and ate that and that really helped. 

Due to the government being very generous to me and due to me generally saving money, today, I lived yet another day in lower class luxury. I got a haircut. Then in the afternoon, I went to see the movie The Killer. 

Then I went to the grocery store and got some groceries. I got some ground beef. Then I got 2 British banger sausages which I plan to cook in soup. Then I got one head of bok Choy and then I got some vodka sauce pasta sauce. 

Cooking at home is cheaper than eating at restaurants.

Then I went to a bakery and got two gourmet tarts. 

If that's not a luxurious day, I don't know what is. 

I remember to thank God for the gift of life and I thank God for yet another beautiful day that went remarkably smoothly. I always wake up afraid of what is to come of the day and at the end of the day I am always pleasantly surprised that it went better than I thought. 

I honour God. And I honour the forces of life as much as I would honour a very important politician. Forces of life sometimes bring challenges. 

Emil from Yes Theory said, "Be careful of the things you don't like because all things have a purpose and are working for your good even though you don't see it at the time." 

He said that he was quoting from the Qu'ran. 

I wish I was this faithful when I was younger but when I was younger I was awful. I was often depressed and not remembering to thank God as much and I didn't remember as much that God is with me as indeed God is with all of us. I will try to be better as I get older. 

"I want my life to be one unending act of goodness." Alex de Large, A Clockwork Orange 

Speaking of, the Alex de Large funko pop is one of the rarest ever and is worth quite a few thousand dollars. 

The Killer is about a hitman starring Michael Fassbender. The hit that is is assigned at the start of the movie has something happen or doesn't happen, I won't spoil it. 

For what occurred, the hitman's wife is targeted to equalize. His wife survives but this sets the hitman off of a rage full spree of vendetta and vengeance. What occurs in the next hour and half is a megalothalon of death death death and killing on a near industrial scale. 

In this movie, Michael Fassbender is a "Have a few shots, this round's on me," type of hitman. 

"You can learn from this one, Gaff. He's a goddamn one man slaughterhouse, that's what he is." Blade Runner 

One of the targets is a character that Tilda Swinton portrays. Presumably this is the Queenpin who ordered the hit on his wife. She tells a joke in which the moral of the story is, play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Or as Gurdjieff said, "If you decide that something is a sin and you do it, you commit an error difficult to redress." 

I don't want to rewrite the joke here as Tilda Swinton would be upset at anyone who does that. But the joke is words from Tilda Swinton herself. 

The hitman theme has been done before in movies like Bangkok Dangerous and Saturday Killer aka Tee Rifle. 

Michael Fassbender is certainly not the same character in The Killer as he was in the movie The Counselor. He is actually closer to the character he was in 12 Years A Slave. 

I already got all the funko pops I want. I don't need to be a hoarder and to collect as many as I can. I don't have space for all that. 

I still think that the overall design of the Helena Shaw funko pop is on another level. That's why I bought one. 

September, 2023

Friday, September 1, 2023

Today, on the American Dad Apocalypse Soon app, I defeated the boss on the North Pole World. There is another world coming up but when is it going to arrive?

A security guard removed a dead seagull on the roof outside my window.

There is no old without young, no young without old. No rich without poor and no poor without rich. Some things can't exist at all except as a value offset by another value.

The thing is to view the subjective mind objectively rather than to view the objective mind subjectively.

Top advice. Things I wish I knew when I was 20. 

1. Have a good telepathic history or thought history as you go through life. Some forces in the Universe are telepathic. 

2. Neutralize all problems in the mind. And see if problems could also be funny. Except in times of exhaustion, burnout, breakdown, the ability to neutralize worrisome thoughts is halted. It takes a few months for that ability to come back. 

Some problems can't be neutralized such as growing old. Growing old is awful but there's no way to avoid it. 

3. Einstein said that the passage of time is an illusion. Everything is happening at the same time. 

The meaning is that time travel is time experienced in an objective level. The way time is perceived is time experienced on a subjective level. Time is an algorithm, a modality, a dynamic. 

Everything is happening all at the same moment but perceived otherwise, however there is an undercurrent or force to which all the billions of years of the Universes and the Earth's history registers as one moment. That is one of the forces that is keeping things together and one of the forces that God operates. More psycho babble. Word salad. Don't ever lose that imagination. 

4. There is travel and there is regression. There are towns with good infrastructure and there are backwater towns with barely any infrastructure. 

Usually, as Swing Out Sister said, it's better to travel. 

Is it better to travel and live in another town but that town is a backwater or is it better to regress but live in a town with good infrastructure?

Backwater towns are relative. Dawson Creek is a backwater next to Victoria. Victoria is a backwater next to Vancouver. Vancouver is a backwater next to Toronto. Toronto is a backwater next to New York. New York is a backwater next to London UK. 

London UK is the number one city in the World. London is a backwater to no other city. 

To regress back to a town with good memories is one thing. To regress back to a town with bad memories is another. And to regress back to a town with selective memories good or bad is yet another thing. 

I still fear travel. Travel anxiety. But to travel is good. There is a new saying, "not unlawful but awful" which is about various peccadilloes. 

However to travel is not unlawful and unlawful. In other words, travel is good. I need courage and money to travel. 

I fear the future. 

Saturday, September 2, 2023

I stayed home all day apart from going to Shoppers and getting a Google card so I could get: 

Santa Uniform and Santa rifle: $23

Yellow bird as pet: $10

These features are or else were available on the American Dad Apocalypse Soon app. 

Jimmy Buffett died. The song Wasting Away can only be fully understood as an expat hearing it while sitting on a barstool in a tropical bar overseas.. 

Staying home all day. I've become really reclusive. 

As one gets older, they can look forward to seeing their body shut down one organ at a time. 

As one grows old they can also look forward to the health system shutting down one hospital at a time. 

1 in 5 people in BC don't have a family doctor. 

In a hospital in Northern BC, the emergency room is shut down all weekend. 

In Victoria BC, the capital city of the Province, the Royal Jubilee Hospital operating room is shut down for one month due to shortage of staff with hundreds of cancelled surgeries. And you wonder why I fear the future. 

A lot of the shortage has to do with lack of affordable housing. Rising house prices from speculation means steady property values and economic stimulation and investment incentives but only to a point. There comes a point where that is counterefficient thst essential workers can't afford a place to live. 

There is an incongruency between two systems. One is the housing pricing structure and the other is the medical workers union wage structure. In England, there is something called London weighting which is similar in concept to the Living Wage. 

There could be rent controls or else a government housing subsidy program exclusively designated for medical workers where part of their rent is paid for by the government. This would be an incentive to medical workers from elsewhere looking to work in BC. Something like this already exists. It's called co-op housing

Life gets worse yet I have to go on. 

In towns that are prone to forest fires, a medieval solution might help. Thst is to build a moat around the city. A few cities today still have a most. One of them is Chiang Mai, Thailand. The moat should have flowing water and not stagnant water. I guess it could have stagnant water. A moat with flowing water would be connected to a river at two ends, one end for in-flow, one end for out-flow. 

On television the other day, a Nanaimo RCMP Officer said of someone being, "deep in the throes of addiction." He could have been referring to me. I am back to being addicted to cannabis and tobacco. Chronic hardcore, light up once very 20 minutes level of addiction. 

Howevrr, the RCMP Officer was referring to someone with a more severe addiction, that is addiction to drugs that involve needle usage. 

Thursday, September 14, 2023

These last few days, I mostly spent at home. Stoned on weed. A few times I've furtively ventured out, I mainly went shopping. I went to Craigdarroch Castle a few times. 

I haven't seen Heather for two and a half weeks. Her scooter is being fixed and so she can't come to visit me on the scooter. Often when I went to visit her, she wasn't home and even on a few occasions, I made an appointment with her and she didn't show up. I once asked her why and she said she was busy. That can mean that she was getting fucked. 

I would fob her off on another guy if that other guy makes her happier than I make her. If that guy can provide for her things that were lacking in the relationship me and Heather have. 

So I decided to give up on visiting. The afternoon is a bad time. She has afternoon naps regularly. 

Before, there was no end in sight to the work. I was visiting her and constantly cleaning up for her. Now, there is no beginning in sight to the work. And that's good. I don't want to spend the next ten or twenty years being her servant with no end in sight. 

I often delusionally think that if I didn't visit her and clean up for her every five days, that she would die. But a person who would die if you don't visit them for five days would probably be dead in nine months even if you did visit them all the time. 

At Church, an old guy who goes there asked me about my headphones. He then said he had a go pro and didn't know how to work it. He then asked what I did for a living. I told him I am unemployed but I did animated cartoons on YouTube until I had a nervous breakdown two years ago and since feel nervous about doing cartoons. 

He said he might need someone who can draw cartoons. I told HK that my cartoons aren't that good. He said "I'll be the judge of that." 

I wish that guy would have left me alone and gotten off my case. I don't ask him to do things for me. I don't ask that of anyone. 

His name is John or else Don and he said he is from Vancouver. He is old, over 70 years old. I once said that he is lucky to have seen Vancouver during the 50s and 60s. 

He seems like a calm guy. Over the years, I've had so many worries and pronlems about people at Church and strangely, almost supernaturally, none were any problems I ever had to worry about later. These problems always, as a rule, resolved themselves. Church is a place where God and the Holy Spirit resides. I don't know anything about a go pro. He would know more about go pros than I would. 

I can't do cartoons. Art is a product of inspiration. I am not in an inspired place in my life. I am at a place where I'm wondering if I'll have to be a handicapped lady's servant for life. I am at a place where I'm worried about that guy at Church asking me about my headphones, and go pros and doing animated cartoons. 

I don't want to do cartoons and lose entire files of elaborately drawn pictures to make room for new projects all the time. 

Mark Twain said, " As an old man I've known a great many troubles, most of them have never happened." The Church is like that. 

I'll probably wind up not having to have to worry about that odl guy. 

But Vancouver was  awful in some ways then. There were turn of the century houses falling apart all over the city referred to as urban blight. Urban blight has disappeared as higher house prices keeps the riff raff from owning houses. Vancouver then had no internet and movies of the 50s and 60s and television shows were awful then although they probably seemed cutting edge when they were new. 

Plus there is no way to save my animation cells. Each frame is a cell. Each cell is drawn and applied to the final cartoon project. Some of these cells or even sequences of them can be copied and pasted in the procedure of making a cartoon. 

On my tablet, these cells can't be individually transferred to a PC and saved. I lost so many pictures and projects. I finally decided to give up because I have no more space on my tablet for future projects. I am a bit of a hoarder. I don't like to throw away past projects although I already threw away quite a few 

I need to find an animated app other than flip a clip where I can transfer my project files to PC. But with new animation apps or programs, there is always a steep learning curve as each are every different. I give up on animation. I've lived out and drawn all the animation ideas I've ever previously dreamed of doing. Adventure cartoon, history csrtoons, outer space science fiction cartoon, martial arts cartoon, safari cartoon, trip to Europe cartoon, I've done all that. I don't really have any new ideas or visions. If I was Ina more inspired place, I might do csrtoons again. 

There is no public demand for my csrtoons anyways. 

At the drug saturated tent city, someone got shot this morning. It's probably a drug turf war. In Russia during the 90s, there was a code of gang violence and killings called razborki meaning settling of accounts which defined the underpinnings of the criminal under world's modus operandi. No one knows what happened but the best thing is to not get involved with drugs. 

Given that Canada has stricter gun laws and given that a person who lives in a tent couldn't afford a gun or else why would they live in a tent, whoever had the gun was a gangster. Sherlock Holmes might deduce that a person living in a tent was selling drugs against the proviso of local gangsters who held the area as their drug turf and that local gangster shot and killed the drug user living in the tent or else the drug user had a lot of drug debts and was unable or else unwilling to pay. 

There are a million stories in the naked city. 

Subjectively, old age is horrible but objectively, old age is very gradual. Objectively, it is moving from one moment to the next, each moment not being very much different than the last. Or moving from year to year, decade to decade with each not being very much different than the last. Even if there is a sudden illness, society and its atmospherics and access to the internet is the same. 

Subjectively, the imagination kicks in and one imagines all kinds of horrible things. Old age isn't a series of violent explosions but a gentle whimper as one retires or else gives in to a mental breakdown that they never thought they'd ever have but did have at one point in their life and retires. 

"Every man's got a breaking point. You and I have one. Walt Kurtz reached his and he has gone insane." GD Spradlin, Apocalypse Now 

If one thinks they are operating objectively, that is subjective. If one knows that they are operating subjectively, that is objective. In other words, if the senses can sometimes deceive, why wouldn't they always deceive? 

Ukraine is the second most populated country in the USFR next to Russia itself. USFR United Soviet Federated Republics. 

So the Russia Ukraine conflict is neither a civil war nor is it a traditional war between two nations. It is a war between two federated de jure and not de facto Nation-states. 

Or it was the second most populated. That depends on how many refugees fled. 

Let's just call it an internecine war. 

Today I went for coffee with a friend at Church. She is a nice lady. She has a dog. 

I fear the future. Heather is the source of all my fears and anxieties. Either I abandon her or else be her servant for life because she is handicapped and unable to completely clean up her own apartment. I hate people who put me into lose lose situations. I hope to see a way that I can be free from working for her for life. I don't have to work for her. I'm not legally required to. 

Heather has lots of cigarette butts which I collect and smoke. Free tobacco. Either its go back and sometimes work for Heather for the free tobacco or else never work for her but  pay money for cigarettes which is pricey. And that is another lose lose situation. I am terrified of the future now at this particular specific juncture in my life. 

My addiction to tobacco is awful. 

My friend from Church told me today that an East Indian philosopher who got a PhD said, "Taking care of yourself is the most unselfish thing you can do." Basically, if you don't care take of yourself, you won't be able to take care of others. 

First it was burnout and nervous breakdown then it got downgraded to fear then downgraded to anxiety. Now it's just confusion and being overwhelmed. Confusion about my place in life and about what will happen in the future. I fear the future. The future is a concept. One only ever lives in the present. The future is a point far away that one is never quite at. They are only ever in the present. 

I feel fear about Heather and the future. 

After walking with my friend from Church, I went to the Legislative Buildings because David Suzuki was speaking there. I saw him from a distance. He was wearing sunglasses. 

Then I went home. I fear the future. It terrifies me, actually. 

Saturday, September 16, 2023

Woke up with fear. Fear all morning. I haven't been eating enough over the last couple of days. Food is a tedious detail. Either cook my own tasteless bland meal or else spend money to go to a restaurant, keep doing that and then wind up broke and starve to death. 

Sometimes I don't feel like eating but one has to remember to eat regularly. 

I went to the mall and Edo restaurant and got a meal to go. There was a very pretty lady who smiled at me. I smiled and said have a nice day, or something like that. This is a friendly town. Lots of people I've never seen before and will never see again smile at me and I guess others too. 

Returned home with more fear. Life is boring. Stay home all day and play on the tablet, boring. Go on a walk. Boring. Visit Heather. Boring. Church is a social event and all social events takes effort to attend. 

I don't feel great but feelings often lie. The true thing is the word of God. 

Genesis 28:5 God will watch over you every day for life. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, said God. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 

Pastor Joyce Meyer said, "Don't live according to your feelings. Live according to the word of God." 

Very few times do I ever feel bliss. It's usually a combination of looking at a picture of a building or a section of town from a favorite city and listening to music. 

I used to feel Sunday vibes that we're so strong that after awhile, it was a bit cloying and I wanted it to end and they would often end at 7pm but sometimes it would go on til midnight. Sunday vibes. It's been years since I felt Sunday vibes like that. I hope I can feel that level of Sunday vibes again in my life. Sunday vibes is difficult to describe but it is centered around Church. This can be Buddhist Church or Christian Church. Sunday vibes remind me of 1974, the era when Steely Dan's album Katy Lied was released. 

Well there was a formula. If I go to Church every week, I won't feel the Sunday vibes. It's best to go once every two or three weeks. Some Sundays not going to Church was  essential to cultivating good Sunday vibes. I've been going every week these last two years because I have OCD and am prone to forming habits. But only good habits. Habits that give me anxiety are habits I won't form. 

Thank God for the gift of life. Thank God for helping me with my life. 

Thank you God for guiding my steps. Thank you God for showing me a way where I don't see a way. 

Finally, existence is scary. To go on living is scary. And death is even more scary so I'm resigned to live life which is a process that terrifies me. Life is scary and death is scary. Existence is scary. Existentialism is supposed to address this issue. I don't know if it does. 

I have to go on living. To honor life is to honor God. And to honor God is to honor life. 

"You don't go from being alive to being dead. You go from being alive to being even more alive."

Angel films, upcoming documentary, After Death

Darth Vader: "Choose. Live or die."

Ashoka: "I choose to live."

Anakin: "There is hope for you." 

Ashoka, season 1, episode 5

Monday, September 18, 2023

It was a good day. I went to the dentist because I have a tooth that's very sensitive to temperatures. I have to get it extracted next month. 

I saw my dental assistant on the street. She gave me a hug. 

Then I went to the James Bay Inn. I had lunch there but my tooth was very sensitive to the root beer with ice. At the James Bay Inn I had a very friendly talk with the waitresses who work there and I got a hug from them too! 

Life is good. I like life. Thank God for the gift of life. I'm glad I stayed alive and didn't do anything crazy years ago. These last few days have been very smooth. I wonder Joe I'm going to get on jntil next month with a sensitive tooth. 

The tooth usually doesn't hurt. Only extreme temperatures hurt the tooth. 

I saw a sign hanging from a tree. It was a poem written by someone named Virginia Satie. It said that hugs are healthy and good for the body and a few hugs a day are recommended. 

I feel very honored and blessed to be getting hugs from a lot of ladies over the years. These hugs each strengthen me and remind me that it is good to be alive and if I am able to see them and give them a hug once in awhile, indeed my life is going somewhere and not nowhere. 

Despite what Virginia Satie wrote, perhaps too many hugs are lecherous. Hugs can cause anxiety if one is hung up on them. A man should be a gentleman and behave with honor. That is the essence of perfection. A man should be reserved around ladies and not be a pervert or lecherous. Or at least try his best to. 

Perversion and lechery prevents a person from being 100% perfect. To have some perverse thoughts about women and sex is 100% normal but not 100% perfect. To be perfect is to be like Jesus. He's the only person who never sinned otherwise his crucifixion wouldn't have meant anything. 

I wish I was someone who never sinned. I could sure write my own ticket. But since Christ was crucified, as Joyce Meyer says, "God takes away our sins and remembers them no more and removes our sin from us as far as the East is from the West."

I guess that would be for sins that aren't too serious. For the more serious ones like say someone did a lot of people in. Then God would say to them, "We got to talk." Or else he would send them to hell. Hell is real. Howard Storm talked about it. He also talked about the importance of not taking the Lord's name in vain. 

I sometimes think that I need to see a certain form as proof that there is a God. What about the fact that I can see any forms at all? This thing called consciousness and being in a realm of a million and one things is a phenomenon enough to prove God's existence.

 

Man is a sentient being that makes things. So man imagines that there is likewise a sentient bejng that made all things such as stars and planets and stardust and these things through random incidental forces eventually made humans which makes things. Then the question would be who or what made God? I guess God is final irreducible variable in the cosmic equation of all existence. So nothing made God. God made hkmself like an egg which gives birth to itself. It's a vicious cycle. It's a Mobius strip. 

Finally after all these years I am really glad to live in this town. I see a lot of friendly ladies who are willing to give me a hug. Some old ladies but some young ladies too! I think the ladies have noticed that I've been doing yoga. Two or three months ago, I had a pot belly. Then after a few months of doing yoga my body looks and feels more sturdy. I have a bit of an athletic look. I want to see how my body looks and feels after doing yoga every day or just about every day for a year. These last few days, I've been doing yoga twice a day. The body is physical. Sex is physical. When I improve my body, women respond to me in a physical level. 

I doubt I'd stop after a year. I hope to be doing yoga every day for the rest of my life. 

The love I feel from a few of the women in this town has really overwhelmed me and in a very good way. I hope to be the best person I can be. 

To survive, I have to hydrate. Since I have a sensitive tooth, for the next 3 weeks and 3 days or thereabouts, I'll have to pour liquids into a cup and then wait until the liquid entropies to room temperature and this of course includes hot and cold liquids. 

The News said that the Canadian Government said the the East Indian government sent some people to do in a Sikh separatist leader who was also moonlighting as a Sikh temple leader. 

The Indian authorities must have seen him as the Sikh version of David Koresh. 

That's just awful. This a a cruel mean world where all kinds of people get done in in Canada. 

Is this going to be an ongoing thing? Is the East Indian government going to send more people to do in more of their own people across Canada or in the US or in the UK or Germany etc where there are Sikh temples? 

This makes China imprisoning two Canadian citizens, the two Michaels, seem mild in comparison. 

This Hardeep Singh Nijjar was a major separatist leader. So major that if Khalistan was ever established, he would be the first Western puppet Prime Minister or President or whatever gubernatorial title he assigns himself. He would be like the Sun Yat Sen of Khalistan. 

Sun Yat Sen raised money overseas while he was overseas and eventually became the first President of the Republic of China. It goes without saying that Sun Yat Sen was a Western puppet. 

Palki Sharma said that Hardeep Singh Nijjar had been organizing referendums about separation, kind of like Scotland's endless independence referendums. 

Since Singh Nijjar was so singular in his level on his separatist group hierarchy, he was targeted. 

While he was living in India before he moved to Canada, Hardeep Singh Nijjar was the leader of a Khalistan separatist terrorist group called the Khalistan Tiger Force which is probably the State of Punjab's answer to the Tamil Tigers. 

Right now it is the State of Punjab. Only if it ever separates from India would it become Khalistan like Pakistan after it separated from India. Unlike Khalistan, Pakistan's separation from India was a result of exogenic forces namely the British occupation namely Cyril Radcliffe. Khalistan attempting to separate is from Indogenic, I mean endogenic forces. 

Separatism is a dangerous game. A&E had a documentary about someone who was a separatist for Alaska being an independent country until he was found shot in his cabin. 

Revolutionism and separatism is something to avoid and to not touch with a ten foot pole. Hasn't your life got enough problems without getting involved in such frivolous nonsense that is also highly illegal and dangerous? Enjoy the government you got. All problems wither under the glare of good government. If you really don't like your government, the best thing to do is to vote with your feet and to silently leave the country. 

How would Canada respond? Trade sanctions and increased tariffs on Indian goods? India would be expected to reciprocate with increased tariffs. 

Why Western puppet and not Russian puppet? Sikhs do not have a political presence in Russia as they do in the West. 

In Canada, there are 18 Sikh MPs in the Canadian Parliament while there are 13 Sikh MPs in the Lok Sabha or Indian Parliament. And there are 5 Sikhs MPs in the UK Parliament. 

I doubt there are any Sikhs in the Russian Parliament. 

Singh Nijjar was based in the West who offered him asylum probably in exchange for him agreeing to being a Western puppet. 

Taiwan, Khalistan, Quebec, and Scotland are all places that want to separate and be an independent country. And each of them have been trying for decades to do it. 

The 1982 movie Secret Nation talks about Newfoundland wanting to separate in 1949 but agreed to join the union of Confederated Canada. But British agents were there and scuppered the deal somehow. 

The Canadian History term Confederation intended to mean a bunch of Canadian nation States or Provincial States to come together as one united country when confederation means a separation of states like what happened with Russia in 1991. Federation means a bunch of Province States uniting to form one solidified sountry. 

Anyways, the best thing anyone can do is just forget about separatism and separatists. Don't even think about them and certainly don't get involved with any nonsense like that.

The Priest who got killed at the Sikh Temple reminds me of the Priest who got killed during the Peasants Revolt in England in the 1300s.  

There is a parallel to the Sikh Temple Priest Hardeep Singh Nijjar and Pastor Arthur Pawlowski. Both suffered government retribution for anti government activities. 

If the Indian government is sending people overseas to whack one of their own people, that proves that the government is the biggest mafia of them all. 

If the East Indian government sent their agents to whack a white Canadian who never had anything to do with India is one thing. They sent agents to whack one of their own whose involvement and history with India was extensive and profound. That explains it but it doesn't excuse it. That's like China's Operation Foxhunt on steroids!

Sending agents to do an extra judicial killing. That's out of order! Singh Nijjar didn't even get due process before getting the death penalty. No wonder Trudeau is pissed. Trudeau didn't think that was too cool. 

Probably for months before, the Indian government had members of their secret police attending the lectures of that Priest to see if there is any anarchist anti-government speeches as could be expected with any priest of any religion at any Church. They probably didn't like what they heard. 

Before he got killed, the RCMP gave Hardeep Singh Nijjar an Osman warning meaning that they have intelligence that someone is planning to kill him and that he should relocate. As a seasoned separatist leader, he probably received these warnings before and chose to ignore it. 

Trudeau talked about the Singh Nijjar case with the Indian President Narendra Modi during his trip to India. The Indian PM probably said, "You got your problems with Quebec so shut the fuck up." 

Someone should do a Hardeep Singh Nijjar Braveheart parody. "They may take our land but they'll never take away our freedom!" 

This case is like a real East Indian finger trap. Well, like they say, curry no favors and favor no curries. 

Although separatists get all the Press, most Punjabis and or Sikhs are not separatists and are loyal to their National government. Just as most people in Quebec and law abiding citizens and loyal to the government of Canada. Separatists are a conspicuous minority. 

Why would Trudeau be picking a fight with India? If I was PM, I'd choose to look the other way publicly, but privately have a closed door meeting or even phone call with India saying, "We understand that you were really upset with this guy. If there was an equivalent guy in our country, we'd want to do him in too. You're not going to be doing this too often if ever in the future, are you? If you are, next time let us know about it. Perhaps we can help you." The News said Trudeau wants the Sikh vote for the next election. Perhaps Jagmeet Singh goaded him into it. 

Would there be a war beteeen India and Canada? Is this a casus belli or else cause for war? If India was going to war with Canada over this, at this point India would already be having a civil war between the Sikhs and the Hindus. Would the Hindu majority Indian government be willing to fight a two front war? India has a billion people and Canada has 35 million people. If India invaded Canada, well, like the old guy in the stagecoach said in the movie Shaka Zulu, "We are all going to die!!" A billion people is so many people that you would think that they were sprouting from the walls and springing from the ground. 

Between already fighting a proxy war with Russia ie Canada sending surface to air anti aircraft missile technology to Ukraine and possibly fighting India after a global pandemic is like out of the frying pan into the fire. In other words, we're f*cked. 

Don't ever lose that imagination. The mind will paint pictures. 

Well, my advice is to go to Baba Lassi which has the best lassi in Varanasi. 

I hesitated to write that the killing of their leader set their movement back 20 years. A counterargument is that it accelerated their movement 20 years. 

Whoever the next leader is, the Indian government will want to kill him too like the Chinese government killed the Panchen Lama. 

I wonder if the son will follow in his father's footsteps. 

Ukraine is the breadbasket of Europe. The State of Punjabi is the breadbasket of India. Let's just called The State of Punjabi the Ukraine of India. 

What an East Indian rabbit-hole! 

That Trudeau is going to get us all killed! He really put his hand in a rats nest this time. His approach to this situation. A little more tact and diplomacy and bedside manner would be good. How would another Prime Minister have handled this? How can a person with one personaloty make the decision for a country with so many different personality vectors of opinion?

If India and Canada have a war, worst case scenario, India sends ballistic nukes which they have and which Canada does not. But India would nuke Surrey though. Whereas in a nuclear war with any other country, Surrey would not be as nearly a high priority a target. 

Again, the mind paints pictures. 

The word India is from the British derivation of the word that the Persian named India, Hindustan. The name the Indians themselves know the country as is Bharat. 

What India and the United States have in common is that a few of their leaders got shot. 

India: Indira Ghandi and Rajiv Ghandi and on Wikipedia list of assassinated Indian politicians, a lot of them got done in, MPs, Party leaders etc. It's a real megalothalon of death death death. 

United States: Garfield, Lincoln, McKinley, JFK. 

What Canada and Chjna have in common is that none of their leaders ever got done in. Think of every President of China. Did any of them ever get done in? Wrong! 

Trudeau upsetting India bears the dynamic of the leader of a country where none of their leaders ever got done in upsetting a country where some of their leaders and a whole lot of politicians got done in such as in the UK where Brexit politician Jo Cox get done in. 

PM Trudeau, you do you! Whatever you do is something that you think is right. 

A new Punjabi movie called Safarzade: The Princess and the Iron Horses is a movie I want to see. It is about a group of bikers who rescued a Princess from the evil clutches of her stepfather. It is filmed in the interior of BC. A Sikh doctor who had no actinv experience is the lead character. A sequel is planned. I might see this movie one day. 

Why is there a Prince of Wales but not Prince of Cardiff? 

Why is there a Duke of Edinburgh but not Duke of Scotland? 

A Prince ranks higher and thus presides over a country rather than a city like a Duke of Edinburgh or Duke of Cambridge or Duke of Sussex and Duke of Wessex etc. 

Tuesday, September 19, 2023

First woke up in panic. Then I thanked God for the gift of life and then remembered the little things I look forward to, a few puffs of tobacco, a YouTube video of music. 

The News said that John Mc Enroe is meeting up with Bjorn Borg again in a publicly televised event in Vancouver. Would there be a round of singles tennis? 

Bjorn Borg is legendary. 

John MacEnroe threw tantrums  on the tennis court. Do you remember those rock stars who used to smash their guitars into the floor? John MacEnroe was like that with the tennis racket. 

Tennis is a sport. Those who aren't good at tennis don't get depressed that they don't play tennis more often. 

Sex is a sport. Those who aren't good at sex do get depressed that they don't get sex more often. 

Sex is work and requires performance. Even women have to display a certain minimal level of performance and focus. 

I still fear the future as I watch my teeth go from my mouth one teeth at a time. Just about every year or every two years now I'm getting yet another tooth extracted. I fear dentures. I have bone loss in the mandibles or else jaw bones. Can someone like that still get dentures? Teeth are a defective and anachronistic algorithm. Humans still have the same teeth that they did during the ice age or even before. I greatly fear the future now. At age 53, it's all downhill from here and not in a good way. To make it from day to day takes effort. There's the hundred and one chores and things to do. It's a struggle and after that exertion, is there a reward at the end of it? At the end of it one goes from being old to being very old and death is after that which is the scariest thing of all. So after all that, not only do you get no reward, you get punished. 

Existence is a trap. Die young, you lose. Go through old age, you lose. Die, you lose. Existence is a no win situation and a trap. 

A vision of the future me:

The good news: I got a red 1988 BMW 325i, 4 door and refurbished. 

The bad news: I'm living in my red 1988 BMW 325i. 

Well, let's hope not! 

There is a wishing tree st Colwood village in Victoria BC. Wishes are written on small cards and are tied to the tree. Sometimes a reply will be later on tied on to the wish. 

I would wish for to be free from fear of the future. I would wish to be happy and blissful. 

Other than that I still wish for a 1988 model BMW but it has to be in good condition. What's the use of wishing for a 35 year old car? That's not a wish. That's a hang-up. 

The mind paints a picture of the future and not just one picture. It paints millions of pictures. What will happen next week, next month, a year from now, 5, 10, 20 years from now. All those pictures are wrong. 

Those pictures are subjective but are mistaken for objective. 

Without enough information how can one know what ten years later will present? 

Today I only went to Shoppers Drug Mart. I got condensed milk, cream soda, General Tao's chicken and sugar. The sugar and the milk is for tea and coffee which I'm drinking again. For some reason caffeine no longer gives me the anxiety it once did. For weeks at coffee hour after Church I turned down coffee saying that caffeine gives me anxiety. I think some people prayed for me and now I no longer feel anxiety when drinking caffeine. 

Wednesday, September 20, 2023

Today I mailed a $20 donation to the RCMP Police department for the Police charity called Tour de Rock. Then I went to Rogers cable to pay my monthly internet bill. 

Rogers bought out Shaw cable in a non hostile takeover corporate merger. 

I didn't go to Walmart. I haven't seen Heather in over three weeks. When I go there, she usually isn't home. Her scooter is still being repaired. Once it's repaired, then she can and probably will visit me. Unless she dies. Her health is so compromised I always think that she'll die soon. But this is the same person, me, who thought that 2 years ago, I'd be dead in less than two years. 

I had exhaustion and burnout so bad that I felt rocks rolling around in my head and a steam iron hot burning feeling jn my stomach. I never felt so much pain before or since. I thought and still think it might be with me forever. 

But people went through more painful things like possibly multiple gun shots that caused injury to their viscera. That is way more painful than exhaustion or burnout. Yet a lot of them revered and haven't felt any pain in years if not decades.

My worry. As more of my teeth get extracted I worry that I won't be able to afford dentures then I'll be toothless and die of starvation. Or I'll get dentures but screw up in the usage of the dentures and as more of my teeth get extracted it will cost more mkney and hassles to add extra teeth to the dentures. I fear I won't be able to get though all that. 

My teeth are an ancient anachronistic defective vestigial algorithm. Teeth have remain unchanged in humans since even before the ice age. 

My teeth are ghastly and wretched. I have dental illness. I am dentally ill. And probably mentally too. I wouldn't put that past the realm of possibility. 

I'm doomed. My partial dentures were estimated to cost $984. Maybe I can go to Kool Aid which offers free dentistry even dentures for homeless people or people living below the poverty line like yours truly. Or I could go to the University to the student dental clinic. It costs less but compared to my dentist they don't have that much experience. 

I hope to one day lose my fear of the future. I fear what will happen when I'm 60 and then 70. Would I even live to 70? And for what? Will I ever get married or be single for life? 

Whether I'm rich or poor, married or single, successful or unsuccessful, I will always remember to thank God for the gift of life which is somewhat better than a really rich person who it wouldn't occur to them to ever thank God for the blessings jn their life and for the gift of life. 

This is better than even the poor person who doesn't smoke anything while the millionaire is addicted to tobacco and weed too. Or the poor person who practices meditation often while the millionaire never ever meditates ever. 

I fear that my future is a road once followed down far enough will lead to me acquiescing and working for Heather and being her servant for the next ten or twenty years. I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Or if I don't work for her, I feel guilty that I abandoned her. I hate people and situations that paint me into a no win situation corner. My life is a problem now. 

Anxiety comes from specific situations in life. They don't appear for no reason. No win situations always equal anxiety. 

4 wildland firefighters died in a car crash after hours of fighting forest fires. They survived hours of firefighting intense forest fires only to die in a car crash. How senseless. 

This reminds me of General George Patton. He survived World War 2 only to die in a car crash after being repatriated. 

Today the Police had their hands full as they busted a few protesters at the SOGI protest rally as the Legislature. 

I think that SOGI shouldn't be taught at elementary and middle school. Only in senior high school should they be taught about such a topic and even then the teaching would be brief with the words, "Most people are heterosexual. However some are not. Some people even want to be a different gender. Different strokes for different folks. You have to decide what is right for you. If you want to learn more, do it on your own time and learn from the internet, that's if you want to as many of you would prefer to avoid the topic altogether." 

Traditionally, most people learn about alternative lifestyles while they are in college or University. University is all electives so if your electives don't overlap with a class where they would teach SOGI, I guess you wouldn't learn about it. 

Lots of people drop out of university. Well, I the wide world outside of any kind of school you can still learn about whatever you want to learn from the internet. 

Thursday, September 21, 2023 

Last day of summer. 

Leonardo di Caprio is going to be in a movie called Killers of the Flower Moon. It is based on a true story. 

In the 1920s, the Osage people were per capita the richest people on Earth. Their territory occupied oil wells. They rode limousines, wore fur coats, drank champagne and sent their children to study in Europe. Then one day they died one after another under mysterious circumstances. The then newly formed FBI sent agents including a Native undercover agent to investigate. 

That's ghastly and sinister. 

The FBI was formed in the mid 1930s under FDRs New Deal, make work project, alphabet soup government agencies. 

LdC sure likes to do historical period piece movies like the Aviator, the Revenant, The Great Gatsby, Romeo and Juliet and now Killers of the Flower Moon. 

I thought of reading the book but it would be depressing reading. I don't like to read books about people getting killed. 

In the hills of Osage county Oklahoma, small flowers such as Johny jump-ups and spring beauties and little bluettes grow. Then larger flowers like black eyed Susans and spiderworts grow above the little flowers stealing their light. Deprived of light, the necks of the small flowers break castings petals all over the meadows which are then reclaimed by the Earth and buried under neath. This happens in May when wolves howl under a very large moon. The Osage Indians refer to May as the time of the flower killing moon. 

My life is edgy. One problem after another. Next week I get yet another tooth extracted. 

I am under the impression that the cops want to bust me. I'm not like a gangster who can stand up to the Police. I basically fold under Police pressure. I'd be like putty in their hands. 

Well if the cops wanted to bust me, I wouldn't be too difficult to find. 

William Burroughs wrote in Interzone something along the lines of, "If the authorities wanted to locate anyone in town, they could be found in less than ten minutes. So if someone approaches you with a story that they are on the run from the law, it is a prelude to a touch." Misquoting but the meaning is there. 

Someone told me that the cops have been wanting to bust me for two months. Baffling. Even if someone was busted and sent to the dock, it's not like they have to sit there and take it. The Province will usually provide some kind of lawyer. Still the thought of being busted is terrifying. 

Some rock stars like Justin Bieber got busted lots of times yet their careers are still there. 

So it's been an edgy week. 

India revokes travel visas for Canadians. Canada would be expected to reciprocate. In a country already with a staff shortage, there goes the new talent for doctors, security guards, fast food workers, and politicians with genuine political talent. 

The India says they won't be sending any Indian workers to Canada during this administration. Therefore Trudeau is forced to resign. This is one imaginary scenario. Revoking visas is not good. The situation is ramping up. 

Fear all day. I am so desensitized to fear that fear just simply numbs me. I thought of what the person said. I wonder if I'm going to get busted. Then I get another tooth extraction. Why must life always be trouble to me. I don't sense that I'm trying to give life trouble as much as life seems to try to give me trouble. In any town one travels to, they can run into trouble. Every big city and small town in the World has trouble. 

Now I'm worried. Again. What were the chances of that? Will India nuke Surrey BC? Will the cops bust me? 

There's more of a chance of the cops busting me than of India nuking Surrey. There's more of a chance of India nuking Surrey than of the cops busting me. Either statement sounds equally true and either statement is supposed to sound good, but do they? 

You wonder why I fear the future. 

Today, I went for coffee with a friend at Church. Strictly and purely platonic. She is a very kind lady and a good spirit. I really like her. 

I feel some anxiety now. Slight panic. 

I got my cell phone reactivated. I only use the phone for outgoing calls. I turn off the phone as soon as I don't use it. Other people I know do that with their phone too. 

I tried calling my Church friend today but the phone automatically dialed Heather so I spoke with her briefly. I miss her and I love her. 

Today President Vlodomir Zelenskyy visited Ottawa in Canada and addressed the Parliament of Canada. I don't really care about that. 

Honestly, I kind of think Zelenskyy is a troublemaker. He urges countries to donate munitions and military technology therefore coalescing countries together in a proxy war with Russia which is a dangerous move. 

What if Russia all of a sudden says, "Never mind all this sneaky proxy war nonsense. We're going to take all of NATO on directly."

Thst it's Zelenskyy of Ukraine is incidental. Any head of state who goes around to other countries trying to scriunge whatever munitions they can is an egregious troublemaker. If an arms dealer does that, he is a bad person. If a head of state does Thst, he is a hero. 

Ukrainian is very similar to Polish. Lots of overlapling words like dobre, tak, smaczne, etc etc 

In 1795 Poland was invaded by Russia and partitioned into three parts, Austria, Prussia and Russia. 

Anyways, Canada should say to Ukraine, "We weren't involved when the fight between you and Russia started. Either hold your own and agree to fight Russia under your own strength or else just surrender immediately and see what terms you can negotiate. Make some kind of deal. Don't try to rope all of us into your hornet's nest. Aren't you already half Russian anyways?" 

Today in Coquitlam in Pinetree Way and Glen Drive which is a place I never visited before ever, there was a shootout involving a resident who lives in a nice condo. A shootout ensued and Constable Rick O'Brien of the RCMP got shot and died on scene. That must have been horrible. Anaphylactic shock, HPA axis tweaked on maximum overdrive, massive panic attack and then the cold embrace of death. 

RIP and condolences. 

O'Brien. George Orwell 1984. Room 101. 

A Police Officer tweeted about the incident tweeting, "The Police protect the public. Where is our protection?" 

How could the general public protect the Police in this case. There was a Police cordon with yellow Police tap around the building. If any member of the public tries to cross the Police line saying," I want to see if I could help Police Officers in the building. I even brought a gun with me. Glock 9mm. I am licensed to carry."

What do you think the Police on scene would say? "Go ahead. It's good to know that while we're trying to protect the public, the public is also protecting us."

No. 

The attendant RCMP Officer on scene would say. "This is a Police incident. Members of the public are not permitted to cross. Move along. Go away!" 

Not only is it a sad day for the Police. It's a sad day for all of us. 

A rhetorical question as Where is our protection? Is as rhetorical as Why did PM Justin Trudeau turn down a Presidential suite opting to stay at where he chose tok stay and why did PM Justin Trudeau turn down the use of a National executive airplane opting to travel with his own plane and be stranded in India for two days?*

Trudeau or any other head of state would not stay in any rooms or any travel on any planes that his own security forces haven't swept and this procedure can take a week. 

*source: Khalistan Row: Trudeau Avoids Questions, India Halts Visas for Canadians, Vantage with Palki Sharma. from uploader Firstpost. YouTube

Saturday, September 23, 2023

Emily Carr, born in December and died in March. 

Same as Jesus, more or less. 

Today I went to the walk in clinic. I had a small pimple on my genital area which has since grown into a large wart. I glanced it with a safety pin and squeezed. There was quite a bit of clear pus liquid with lots and lots of small timy clumps of white cheese. I since applied acne cream and also antibacterial cream. 

These things are usually nothing to worry about and go away on their own in a few weeks. 

Then I walked to Craigdarroch Castle. I went to a Chinese restaurant for lunch. 

Today Heather visited me. She came here on her wheelchair. She took the bus. She visited for 20 minutes and then I pushed her back to her apartment. I haven't seen her in 4 weeks. I do love her. 

I went to the walk in clinic today. I had a pimple on my genitals which I popped but had since grown into a large pus filled wart. It's so big that it's like a third testicle! 

Later in the evening, I clipped a small slit opening with my hangnail clippers. Then I squeezed. Hard. For 15 minutes. Thick dark colored blood and lots of pus which was clear liquid with lots and lots of tiny chunks of white cheese. That's what drained out. After squeezing, I applied benzoil peroxide shampoo to the area. I cleaned it in the shower then I applied fucidin Leo Leo antibacterial cream. 

Sunday, September 24, 2023

Went to the Presbyterian Church again. I met the old guy, Don, in the hallway. My mistake I asked about what work he wanted me to do or help with. I should have said nothing. He already said last week, "If you don't want to do it then I won't mention it." Yet from curiosity I asked what the job was when I should have just said nothing. That's my damned personality. Now I'm worried that I got myself co-opted into some weird work. 

I'm not aware that I am wanting to give life itself trouble but life seems to like to give me trouble. 

Worried about that guy at Church asking me to do some kind of work. 

Worried about my tooth extraction tomorrow. 

Worried about Heather. 

Worried that the cops want to bust me. 

I do have my issues and problems which I project onto the canvas of life and jn return life seems to give me these troubles. 

Life without teeth. I think I might be edentulous one day. In a million years all people will be edentulous. Teeth are vestigial, defective and not really necessary. A person can live on soft and liquid foods. A person with no teeth might need to invest in a blender. Steaks in a blender. Whether the food is chewed or run through a blender, either way it ends up as a mush in the stomach anyways. 

Monday, September 25, 2023

A tea shop in Maple Ridge got vandalized twice. The first time some one broke a window and sprayed bear spray. The second time, a smoke bomb was thrown in the store, again, after breaking a window. No items were stolen. No other stores were targeted. 

Like with the 7-11 tire slashing, this is a crime of passion rather than of opportunity. 

Sherlock Holmes would think this. 

I'm guessing that due to the present cultural climate and recent events, the vandals were anti-SOGI and the tea shop owner is pro-SOGI. It could be that they met at a pro/anti SOGI protest and argued but that doesn't explain how the vandals knew she owned a tea shop. Probably during an online chat or even YouTube comments argument, she had an argument against an anti-SOGI person and the person checked her tag and found out she owns the tea shop. That tag might have even had a link to her tea shop's Facebook  account. 

I got my tooth extracted. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. It was a bit edgy yet I was calm and not scared. One less thing to worry about. 

What I feared was the needles. I thought that I would be harpooned. I didn't feel anything or felt very little. Dentistry has improved since the 50s. It isn't that painful anymore. 

I fear life and I fear the future. I hope that God can teach me not to fear the future nor to fear life nor to fear what happens after life. Those are the great cardinal fears of all humans. 

The growth on my genitals has shrank greatly. There is still a small ball of hard flesh but that the residual formation of the large zit. It takes a few days to shrink completely. 

Today a delegation from British Columbia went to visit Ottawa including the Premier and a few Cabinet Ministers. Ostensibly it was a routine trade delegation to discuss various policies and implementations. The presence of the few politicians was a red herring that diffuses the importance and seriousness of the mission. What it was really about is that the Premier wants to ask the Prime Minister "What the heck exactly is going on? Your statements about India and Surrey BC directly affect the people in my Province. They're worried." 

Tuesday, September 26, 2023

Today, Vantage with Palki Sharma said that Apple says that by 2027, 50% of Apple phones will be made in India. She also said some Chinese people didn't like that and wrote messages like. 

"If you open the iPhone, you can smell the curry. It's natural over there and hygienic." Or words to that effect. 

That's xenophobia and prejudice. 

I myself being Chinese, would love it if I ever got an iPhone made in India. It would be a high quality cell phone. I would love the cell phone from India as Will Ferrell as Chazz in Blades of Glory loved his hair brush from Italy. 

"I love this brush far more than I could ever love any human baby." Blades of Glory 

I trust East Indians as I would trust people of any Nationality. 

There's always exceptions but the vast majority of East Indians are more together than I am. They don't live in fear or fear the future as I do. They don't talk about being afraid of being old like I do. They don't have anxiety like I do. They don't fear life like I do. 

I spent the day in a haze of fear and worry. Sometimes the slightest thought regarding any most trivial decisions gives me a minor panic attack. I believe that I'm psychologically doomed. 

Someone on YouTube said, "If you think you don't have what it takes to handle the future, remember that in five years from now, you won't be the same person. You will be a different person."

Yeah, but what if that person is the person who gets dementia in five years? 

In what wound up as a Parliamentary train wreck, a World War 2 guy fighting for the wrong side gave a speech in Parliament. This resulted in a public relations catastrophe and when the fallout was over, speaker of the house, Anthony Rota, no relation to ex-Canucks player Darcy Rota, was forced to resign which he did, a casualty of indiscretion. 

Now the government of Poland wants to extradite this guy named Huncka. 

This guy is probably shitting. Would Poland execute him? The News said the unit he was in took place in a massacre on a Polish village in World War 2. For that, he could get executed in Poland but at age 98, that's just cutting out the middleman. 

The name Huncka reminds me of the name Hulka from Stripes. 

"I'm Sergeant Hulka your drill instructor but you can think of me as Uncle Sam."

Bill Murray: "Uncle Hulka?" Stripes

Well, again, Vantage with Palki Sharma said that the Indian government tried a few times to have Hardeep Singh Nijjar extradited from Canada but he never was. 

Even though Nijjar was the head of a separatist terrorist group called the Khalistani Tiger Force, hoarded machine guns, arranged to have people done in in India, organized independence referendums, it's strange that he wasn't extradited. 

The News said that some Sikhs at the Gurdwara where Nijjar was killed have the video of his assassination but for some reason haven't released it. 

Maybe because it's what's referred to in the industry as a snuff video? The News might show it but it would be heavily blurred so it'd be like you saw the video but then again you didn't. 

I doubt you could see it on YouTube either. YouTube will take down any snuff videos. 

Wednesday, September 27, 2023

Spent the day worrying about the years ahead. I hope that God can teach me not to fear the future. 

Otherwise I went with Heather for her appointment with the hair salon. I often worry about Heather's health. I feel very protective towards her. She is sweet and I love her so much. 

Every day I wake up with a slight panic attack. What do I do today? Stay home all day. Boring. Go out for a walk also boring. Day in day out. 

I think my future is going to be lousy which is why I fear it.

Utter devastation. Looking on the internet about my old girlfriend in Vancouver, I found out that she died earlier this year. She was 56 when she died. During her life, she suffered from anorexia and bulimia. She was my girlfriend throughout my twenties. I wonder if I should have married her. Maria had very strict parents. People on welfare usually don't get married. Me and her are and were on welfare. But would marriage have stopped her from being anorexic? Sometimes when someone is into something, marriage won't stop it. 

I don't know what to think. Life is bittersweet. Life is like a bildungsroman which is a long story that takes place over decades and eras through the main characters life. Characters met when young, later on die when the main character is in middle age. 

I think of all the times I could have been kinder to her. Perhaps I should have called her more. I wanted to travel and left Vancouver. I wish Maria all the best wherever she is. I don't know where people go after they die. I hope it isn't scary. 

For some irrascible reason, I didn't shed any tears or cry. My heart must be made of stone. I don't know what it is about me. I did shed a tiny tear but that's it.