December 2021

Friday December 3

This year for Christmas, I got ongoing anxiety and I live in fear every day. I hope for a 100% perfect mind and I also wish to be very happy. I would rather be very happy and poor than to be unhappy and very rich. Decisions make me anxious. Indecision makes me even more anxious.

I got psychological issues. For one, I collect colorful and decorative covid masks and keep them. I even threw some in the garbage and then fished them back out of the garbage to keep them. This is in spite of the fact that I am throwing something away every day from my room. Eventually I want a very minimalist room, looking like an Ikea showroom. I don't want a room full of things I don't use nor need. 

Ally Sheedy's character, Allison Reynolds in The Breakfast Club liked to collect and hoard things, bits of junk. 

I think I'm brain damaged. 

I also have slight food anxiety. Should I go to the restaurant or not? Then a wave of fear. 

Hopefully life is about going through phases of clarity and confusion and clarity again. If one can't always have clarity, then it follows that one can't always be confused and anxious and fearful. 

When the pandemic ends, that will be helpful. 

However, I remember that before the pandemic, I was always saying to myself, "I'm fucked in the head." Sometimes, when my girlfriend heard me say that, she'd say, "No you're not." Bless her. She's more together than I am in that way.  

I hope that I don't have lifelong mental illness. Hopefully I can get better soon and maintain that mental control for life. 

Perfectionism. Imperfect is perfect. Perfect is imperfect. 

Normality. Abnormal is normal. Normal is abnormal. 

My happy place is to imagine I'm in Vancouver at UBC or at the Jericho hostel. I also imagine some places in East Vancouver. Downtown Vancouver is very nice too. 

Vancouver has sweet heavenly blissful geomagnetic vibes. 

However in this town, I feel nothing. Cold ashes on a dead tree is what I feel. Hopefully this changes. 

I do feel Sunday vibes and the magic of Sunday afternoon and evenings in this town lots and strongly. So this town does have good vibes. 

If I am feeling the strong bliss of Vancouver just looking at pictures of Vancouver, part of it is feeling the sweet vibes of this town too. I often look at pictures and video of Vancouver and UBC and feel very blissful. I would like to live at UBC one day although I have a feeling that if I do, I will miss the people of this town as well as this town itself. That gets me scared of moving to Vancouver. I am in such a conundrum. 

I often think of traveling to Vancouver but two things stop me. 

1. Laziness. However if I'm always lazy, one day I'll be 70 and wish I had spent some of those years having traveled to Vancouver. 

2. The pandemic. A pandemic coronavirus masked Vancouver is Vancouver running on only 2 or 3 out of 4 cylinders. I need normal running on all 4 cylinders Vancouver. 

Vancouver, whatever my personal problems are, I love you and I will always love you. I hope that you know this. Vancouver is often if not always in my heart. That's what brings the blissful memories of Vancouver vibes.

The Lord's Prayer. And thank you God for the gift of life. 

I hope for mental clarity and happiness. I hope to quit smoking one day. 

I need courage and the spirit of adventure. Then I can travel to Vancouver. 

Indiana Jones and Star Wars characters have the spirit of adventure. I wish that I had the spirit of adventure. Currently, I have the spirit of fear, anxiety, brain damage and PTSD. 

As messed up as I am, I have to go on living. To do otherwise is to set a bad example. If I did myself in, I would think of and envy the millions of people who did not and will not do themselves in. Live honestly. And die honestly. Doing oneself in isn't dying honestly. However broken and damaged I feel that I may be, I have to go on living to show that I honour God. 

Today, I wheeled my wheelchaired girlfriend Heather to the bank. 

Later on in the afternoon, I gave some old toys to a local toy store and I sold some DVDs that I no longer watch to a DVD store. I also went to a food bank and picked up some groceries including some nice blue cheese, an avocado, two mangoes, etc etc. All the while I was hoping for a 100% perfect mind, clarity and to be very happy one day. 

All in all, I don't feel nearly as bad as I did this past summer. I was really wrecked then. It was painful. Boulders rolling around in the head simultaneously with hot coals or a hot steam iron in the stomach painful. 

This is a walk in the park in comparison. 

At the start of July 2021, I thought that I'd be dead within a month. Then for several weeks, I doubted that I would survive the week. I'm still alive and here now! The brain lies during times of depression. 

I think that I might be brain damaged for life. 

"And Stork here. Everybody thought the Stork was brain damaged." Animal House 

Luke 6:21

New International Version

21 Blessed are you who hunger now,

    for you will be satisfied.

Blessed are you who weep now,

    for you will laugh.

Saturday, December 4, 2021

A book that I discovered called You Were Not Born To Suffer, Blake D. Bauer is a good one. 

Takeaway: The truth is that everyone is a little bit crazy. We all have issues. 

The butterfly. Butterflies are caterpillars that struggle to get out of their coccoon. The struggle is tough. 

A story perhaps anecdotal tells of a woman who had two butterfly cocoons hanging from a small tree on her kitchen table. The first coccoon had a caterpillar that struggled much but finally got out of the coccoon and then flew out of the window. Not wanting to see the second caterpillar struggle, the woman used an exact knife to gently cut a slit on the cocoon to help the caterpillar avoid the struggle. The second caterpillar simply fell out of the coccoon and died. She went to ask a scientist about this and the scientist said the struggling forces the caterpillar to push blood and other fluids into its wings and the struggling toughens and hardens the wings so that it could fly. 

Struggles bring a strength of character to help us develop into the best spiritual beings we can be. Without these struggles we wouldn't be the best we could be. 

The YouTube channel Infinite Waters, How To Have Infinite Faith and Trust The Universe It Will Work Out Ralph Smart. The Black gentleman said, "Smooth seas do not make a skilled sailor."

Joel Osteen in his video The Hot Winds of Testing, that there is a replica Earth experiment called Biosphere 2. There are 38,000 species of plants in this replica Earth. The trees and all other plants grew really fast. However the trees collapsed before they grew to their full height. There was no wind in Biosphere 2. The wind add a challenge and adversity so that trees can develop stress wood or reaction wood. The trees in Biosphere 2 had no stress wood. 

Also Universe 25. Mice within an environment that has no stressors like natural predators and easy access to food and water would experience behavioural sink. 

Adversity builds character. 

Everyone seems normal until you get to really know them. If you really knew someone, you would see that they have their issues as well. 

YouTube, Dark Truths To Cheer Us Up from The School of Life. 

"The only people we think of as normal are those we don't yet know very well."

Sunday, December 5, 2021

Joel Osteen is very spiritual. 

His really good sermons I have heard so far on YouTube are

1. Trusting God when You Don't Understand

2. Be Deaf Towards The Negative

3. Stay Positive Towards Yourself 

What a great preacher. 

Monday, December 6, 2021

Today, I gave a few Christmas cards to some friends. 

I visited the Royal BC Museum today to snap some souvenir pictures for the entire third floor will be dismantled on January 2. 

Thank God for the gift of life. It can be challenging at times yet life is a gift to be cherished. 

Thank you God for your ongoing help with my mental health issues being anxiety and also a slight hoarding mentality. My hoarding issues aren't as bad as Hoarders or Hoarding: Buried Alive. Their hoarding issues are quite a few levels above mine. I also have slight food anxieties and also anxiety regarding sex and masturbation. The Old Testament guilt and also Catholic guilt has kicked in regarding sex and masturbation. Sex is sinful and can be wrong if not done in the absolutely right context. Sexual desire based on fetishes is unsavory and guilt ridden particularly granny porn as well as animated cartoon porn. I'm 51 now. People would say, "You're 51 years old! At your age, if you're not into granny porn then why the hell aren't you?!" 

Still, I think that sex is an intense and sinful activity. I'd like to lead the life of a mink and be completely chaste. I'm too old for sex now, I think. Over 50 is a new dynamic when it comes to sexual desire. I hope that God also helps me with this mental health issue that I have and I trust that he will. One day, I will get a snippet of information, a helpful sentence from the internet or the News that will put this all into perspective.

However, I would like to meet a woman one day whom I can have good sex with. I don't know what will happen in my future. If it happens then my future is great. If not, then my future is scary, but I'll live. 

I still quit smoking marijuana. I have not fallen off the wagon. Before or if I ever smoke marijuana again, I need to reconcile myself with the notion that people aren't planning to kill me and that my actions in life although slightly intense, are not overboard and that I am not crazy. My internet activities and writing are not crazy. They fall within a reasonable range of topic exploration and issue raising. Otherwise if these issues aren't rectified, then I will never smoke pot ever again. 

Thank you God for your ongoing help to help me quit smoking tobacco. I am still hooked on tobacco but that doesn't mean that one day I won't quit. I hope I don't have to hit bottom before I quit, but if that's necessary, I place this situation in God's hands to help me as he sees fit. 

I'd like to only smoke weed and not smoke tobacco too. Or else I'd be completely clean and sober. No weed, no tobacco. Only coffee. 

I wish to thank the government for sending nurses to look after my handicapped girlfriend. There are girlfriends and there are girlfriends and my relationship with my current girlfriend is mainly platonic. That is mainly. The government has not sent her to an assisted living facility so that gives me time with her living in this hotel. The nurses are doing a lot more work for her than they once did taking the pressure to work off me. At one time I thought that if I didn't work for her, that she'd die. I was wrong. That was delusional. But it did give me burnout and feeling trapped. 

Vancouver is a beautiful city with the most wonderful sweet heavenly geomagnetic vibes. Hopefully one day I can live near UBC. I think that my chances for this are very slim. About one in a million. But miracles can happen! 

Tuesday, December 7

Thank God for the gift of life. 

I thank God for helping me with my mental issues. Perfection can never be reached but every day I can have the potential to be closer to it. I have slight OCD. Today I went to the museum and on the streets and I had my tablet as a camera and I snapped a lot of pictures. Endless. Triplicate, even quadruplicate pictures. I will never take pictures ever again as I can get carried away and it can get out of control. When I left the museum after a second visit today of taking pictures, I spoke to a security guard. "I took a lot of pictures today. I hope it isn't a sign of mental illness. I think I might have mental illness. You can turn me in to the mental institution if you want to." He said, "Yu have mental illness?" I said, "I hope not." He then said, "A lot of people who visit take pictures. If it's for personal use, that's fine."

I don't want to take another picture in my lifetime. One picture leads to another. 

I can control this compulsion and I will get better. This picture, that picture, what's the difference. One picture more, one picture less, what's the difference? There probably are people who are photo nuts, paparazzi. However I don't want to be a person like that. 

Some paparazzi have cameras with auto shutters which can snap 30 pictures every 10 seconds. 

If the Police want to send me to the mental Institute, there is nothing I  an do about it. At the mental Institute I would explain that I do have issues and I am trying my best to stop them. I ask God for help not only once a day, but a few times every hour and at the same time, I thank God for having helped me as much as He did. 

I am trying my best to be a good person, in fact, the best person I can be. I also trying to be the best Christian that I can be. Sometimes slight issues bother me but I have had slight issues for years and years. I can't remember the slight issues I had a year ago, a few years ago etc. The specific slight issues I have today will be forgotten in time. I might have new slight issues take their place then but I will forget those slight issues before long too. 

Thank God for helping me with my problems. 

I told my landlord I have worries about the future. My landlord said, "No one knows the future. Whatever happens will happen. One day at a time. You are a good person and the future knows that. The future or whatever forces there are only have time to fuck around with the bad people." I try to be a good person. My wish is for mental clarity and happiness. 

My girlfriend might be moving to assisted living soon. I am very afraid of the future. If or when she leaves, I will be all alone in this World. She has some health issues. If something bad happens to her, I will be inconsolable with grief. I don't know how I can have strength to handle the future. 

Perhaps the future won't be as bad as I sometimes imagine it could be. She might recover fully and quit smoking. The landlord said that once she moves out, she will not be staying in this hotel ever again. That somewhat scares me. 

I hope that God gives me the strength to handle the future, whatever it may be. 

When one door closes, another opens. 

I watched Renegade The David Icke Story. His conspiracies are very worrying. According to him, the World is an evil system. I am not sure how I can live in a World like this. The future is worrying indeed. 

Not every one agrees with David Icke. 

He did say that being a loving person, and raising personal vibrations to one of love is very helpful. 

Joel Osteen is a very good man. However some have called his style of preaching Prosperity Evangelism. Joel Osteen is very optimistic with his messages. Believe in God and you will be promoted, have a better life, etc. However a lot of people will never have better lives. You see it all the time. The faithful old person going to Church. They will stay in that same old age home for life, their health will not improve but stay the same or get worse. Their children living in other towns will either not visit or only seldom visit. Joel Osteen means well but not everyone's life will get better. 

Joel Osteen is right that God is with me at every moment of my life. Even if my life gets worse, that is the course that God has chosen for my life for my own spiritual progress. And especially at the last moments of life itself, God will be present. There is a higher power, a higher intelligence that is above human intelligence or else how could there even be human intelligence? This higher power created and put into motion the galaxies in the Universe. This higher power is with all of us including me. 

The Universe is such a big place, galactic superclusters etc that I don't know if it is the God of the Universe that hears our prayers to and who takes care of us. I think it's a regional Manger responsible for the care of this quadrant of this Milky Way galaxy. I don't have the answer. 

If the God of the Universe was to take care of humans on Earth, that would be extreme micromanagement to say the least. 

To scale, if the Universe was scaled down to the size of the planet Earth, the Earth itself wouldn't even be 1 ten-billionth of a grain of sand. 

Whatever happens to me in life and in the afterlife, I place in the hands of God. Angels are real. The Bible is right about that. Jesus is real too. He was a man who had incredible insight about how the Universe works. 

God is real because the Universe, the movements of galaxies are formed with complex and precise algorithms that are reoccurring and not random. There is an order that implies intelligence. Also all planets are round. Not some planets are round but some are square, not some are a come, not some are rectangular. In any 3D cubic measurement, a sphere is the smallest shape possible for it. That also implies a kind of cosmic intelligence. 

The Fibonacci sequence is a precise mathematical algorithm that reoccurs throughout the Universe. There's an intelligent force behind that. 

I don't know if all planets are perfect spheres. One of the moons of Mars is shaped like a potato. And asteroids have all kinds of weird shapes even some nearly planet sized asteroids. Even the Earth isn't a perfect sphere as it bulges at the equator. Who knows? I don't have any University degrees let alone a degree in astronomy. 

My night time dreams are so strange that I am reluctant to write about them anymore. Even then. Only remember bits and pieces of it, not the whole thing. At least dreams don't scare me as much as they did a couple of months ago. 

My ideal is to be the best person, to be the best Christian I can be. I don't know the future. The future will take care of itself. 

I don't know if I will ever get married or find a new better girlfriend. Whatever happens or doesn't happen, I can accept it. I leave my future and life in God's hands. 

I hope that the people in my life including whoever is reading this to help me become a better person. May God bless you. 

I plan to be as happy as possible and to dance as much as possible during these pandemic times. I also plan to worry and be afraid as least as possible. If and when the pandemic ends, I don't want to look back and say that I would have danced more and worried less knowing what I know now. I don't want to regret being worried too much and not dancing at all during the pandemic when the pandemic ends. My dancing is whatever it is. It's not the best but it's my style even if a lot of it is the same set of moves over and over again. 

In the New Living Translation of the New Testament, in Matthew 6, The Lord's Prayer, the lines 'For yours is the kingdom, the power and the glory, amen' is omitted. In Luke 11 The Lord's Prayer, the lines 'but deliver us from evil. For yours is the kingdom, the power and the glory, amen.' 

In the old style King James Bible, none of those lines are omitted. Mandela effect or a lazy modern dumbing down of The Lord's Prayer? Which is it? This is disturbing and upsetting. One day I will find it about this. 

Thank you God, for the gift of life. Thank you God for the challenges for they make me a stronger and a better person. Thank you God for the government for the wisdom of the government takes care of us all even in the difficult times. I know I have doubted the government yet even in my times of doubt, the government still takes care of me. 

Thank you God for keeping me alive and not killing me even during the years I squandered my life with the wrong thoughts. During the years when I thought I was better off dead. Thank you God for your patience. I have a better view of my life now. I am meant to be alive so I can learn how to be better to myself and to others so I can better serve you, God. 

These are good thoughts to think and its better to think this than negativity. 

Even though I am a Christian, I believe that anyone of any religion, if they are a good person, they will go to heaven or else the heaven that corresponds to their religion. There are many different religions and factions of religions, Catholic, Protestant, Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism, Sikhism, Native American spirituality. Regardless I believe that whatever religion, a good person will have a good afterlife. 

Christianity just about never teaches mentions let alone teaches reincarnation. Hinduism talks about reincarnation just about every day. I wonder if Christians won't reincarnate since they were never taught it was a possibility so their spirit doesn't have that intellectual tendency but that Hindus will reincarnate for sure. I don't know about reincarnation. A person's name, they were born in whatever year, that won't happen again. That exact person won't reincarnate again. But an aspect of their spirit is what reincarnates. Liquid is an aspect of water, steam is an aspect of water, the liquid won't reincarnate but the steam will reincarnate, to make an analogy. 

Or at the risk of sounding crazy, time travel is time experienced on an objective level, linear time is time experienced in a subjective level. Those are two aspects of time. The objective time travel aspect will reincarnate again, the exact linear subjective aspect of time will not reincarnate again exactly as it was. The spirit has the objective and subjective aspects of time within it. Again, I don't know. I'm not an expert. This is just thoughts. 

Wednesday, December 8

I've never eaten at the Empress Hotel. I think it's too pricey. 

If I were to eat there, the best thing to eat would be a steak. At the Empress Hotel the best drink to go with a steak would be white white. Well, steak is red meat and red wine goes with red meat but I like to be funky. White meat is chicken and fish. Red meat is steak and pork chops. Salmon is red so is it a white meat or a red meat? I guess it would depend on what Province you're in. 

I've also never eaten at the Vancouver Hotel. I think that's pricey too. If I ever get a lot of money, I'd visit Vancouver and have a steak and white wine at the Vancouver hotel. 

Today on Wednesday December 8, I went to the James Bay Inn and had a sirloin burger for lunch. I did some dancing. I was trying to channel some energy when I danced. The energy of good times and UBC in 1982. 

I'm not so out of it that I can't imagine what a good future would look like. 

At one time I thought I'd take a picture of the old fashioned kitchen stove set up and ths old fashioned storefront exhibits at the Sidney BC Museum since no pictures of it exist online. But given my OCD regarding taking pictures?! Forget it! However that is the most spectacular part of the Sidney BC Museum in my opinion. Even better than the Lego exhibit. The Lego exhibit is for the younger people. But for the older people like me, the storefront and the kitchen stove is the best exhibit. 

Like I said, I'll never take pictures again. Selfie-itis is an actual term for people who like to snap multiple selfies every week if not every day and post it online. Other people like to snap endless photos of their restaurant meals. I think that it could possibly be a form of psychiatric illness. It's not illegal per se and the Police probably won't arrest someone for doing it and then send them to the mental ward but I think it's sick, just sick. 

I might take a selfie of myself in my apartment hotel once every few months. That's it. I never wanted to be a photographer or a cinematographer. A lot of directors will film 5 or even 10 hours of footage and cut that down to a two hour movie. Filming and taking pictures tends to be an OCD type of activity and I don't want any part of it. I like to be in control of my mind. OCD implies lack of control over one's mind. 

Stanley Kubrick was like that. He'd like to do about 50 takes of each scene. Some people say that OCD people are the best directors and cinematographers. That could be, but I wouldn't want to be an OCD type of person. 

Say for example if I was to take pictures at the Sidney Museum. It would be a personal one man OCD train wreck. I'd snap about 3 or 4 pictures each of the stove and store front. Then walk out and think, I forgot to snap the photograph from a different angle and then make a trip back to do it. That would be the worst thing in the World for me. Actually the worst thing is to have a job where one is working for hours 7 days a week leading to total and complete burnout to where my guts feel like they're actually on fire and not in a good way at all hence the term burnout. 

One day they should start a PA or photographers anonymous. "Hi, my name is so and so and I'm a compulsive photographer."

I might see pictures of the old stove and old store display at the Sidney BC Museum online one day. Life is like that. I'm also looking to see whether a movie about Emily Carr's monkey will be made on CBC. The future is full of possibilities. 

I don't want to make animated cartoons anymore. Doing it doesn't make me feel good. I don't want to do it because I get no money for it and I also would not want to do it even if I got lots of money for it. Do something because it makes you happy. If doing something doesn't or else no longer makes you happy, don't do it. 

YouTube makes you click approve to an agreement that they get non exclusive worldwide right to broadcast your work royalty free. That's a raw deal for uploaders. What an awful set up. Why would anyone want to do that? 

It's bad enough that I uploaded cartoons for 13 years already. Let's not turn it into 14 years or 18 years or 23 years. Forget it! Uh, no thanks! 

I would not advise people to upload to YouTube. Royalty free?! YouTube is sure a greedy corporation. 

I have heard of a lot of the more successful YouTubers able to make money off YouTube and YouTube pays them. Scotty Kilmer once said he got over a billion views on all his YouTube videos and that YouTube has paid him $7 million dollars. 

I don't want a lot of money. Too much money would be too overwhelming. I only want the amount of money that I'm used to and comfortable with which is government welfare money. 

Having lots of money means the ability to travel. I'm not sure that I have the courage to travel. I once had the courage to travel. I've lost the courage to travel. Will I ever get it back again? I don't know. Time will tell.

I would rather be poor and happy than to be rich and unhappy. 

I want calm, confidence and clarity. 

For awhile today, I felt a lot of fear and anxiety. Again. What were the chances of that? For some reason I feel better now than I did even an hour ago. 

The pandemic with the omicron makes me fearful. I wonder if the pandemic will ever end. 

The pandemic is about agenda. It's about curtailing movement and travel. 

But what about when it's over. What would it be about then? One day the pandemic will be declassified. Then they would admit that the statistics were exaggerated in order to fulfill some social engineering experiment hegemony algorithm and redirecting of funds to get more funding and subsidies. It's a subsidized pandemic. It's a pandemic of subsidies. 

The pandemic is about changing the status quo. Status quos are very fluid. If it can be changed once, it can be changed again. 

The pandemic is a vector for American imperialism. The WHO is located in the United States. The WHO is the one to declare the start and the end of global pandemics. Pandemics leave countries vulnerable and more pliant to American military invasion. 

The News said the omicron symptoms are different than the delta. That's wording right there. Most doctors say that it's milder. That's different. Why doesn't the News use the word milder instead of different? That's a tacit omission. The News can be very sneaky and manipulative in terms of wording. One day the pandemic will be declassified. 

Thursday, December 9

Thank God for the gift of life. 

I feel alot calmer today. No fear or anxiety. I don't know why but I'll take it! My girlfriend said to me, "Take it easy." It was the way she said it. Authoritative and gentle. My father once said that to me in a dream. "Take it easy, dude."

As well, I went to the Church yesterday and prayed to be free of my fear and anxiety. 

I have a psychological problem of being hung up on garbage. I will often see some garbage in the streets and then pick it up and put it in the garbage. All the time. Too much. This is getting in the way of an otherwise normal walk around. 

Sometimes I will put the litter in my pocket only to throw it away in the garbage can I have at home. 

It has been said that doing this a little bit is good. It is a good deed that helps the city be clean. 

Sometimes you have to go through a problem itself in order to help others with the same problem. 

The ways to stop it is to remember to be British. British people wouldn't do something like this unless they are janitors. I have seen signs in London that actually encourage people to do a bit of litter picking up and cleaning. But it doesn't ever say to go overboard with it. 

If I ignore the litter like ignoring a tout at a third world airport, in time I will forget about it after awhile like forgetting about so many YouTube videos I've seen. 

Don't get hung up on things. 

This is something I want to stop doing. It started with picking up the obviously dangerous pieces of garbage like large pieces of broken glass or a large garbage bag in the middle of the road. Then it branched out into picking up non dangerous pieces of garbage. Sometimes things are an omen. Me doing this might be an omen of me getting a well paid job of being a janitor. 

I love the town of Sidney BC. I think of the town and I feel good. 

It might have been different before but no one who is poor and on welfare lives there. Only rich people live there. Sidney BC has only one food bank. Whereas larger towns like Victoria BC have over ten food banks and free meals and soup kitchens. Before the pandemic when things were really going, there were Saturday morning breakfasts in this town too. There's more poor and on welfare people in this town and just about none in Sidney BC. 

I want to move to Sidney BC but I question my own wisdom in that notion. This town isn't enough of a fishbowl existence. I need to move to a smaller town that's even more of a fishbowl existence. Sidney BC is really growing on me. I love the vibes of that town. 

Who knows about the future. Perhaps one day I could move to Sidney BC. I would love to. That town has beautiful vibes. I could get those vibes through watching a YouTube video about it. 

Sidney BC is similar to Horseshoe Bay. Small town, tourist village but mainly or else only rich people live there. If I had a chance to move to Sidney BC, I would. I think there might be one or two rooming houses in Sidney BC for people on welfare or else people doing vital but relatively low paying jobs like janitor, dishwasher, etc 

I love that town. 

Sidney BC has good restaurants as well. 

YouTube is fair. They might not pay uploaders royalties but YouTube will generally host and archive videos on that platform pretty much forever. YouTube makes money off ads but gives people an option to skip ads. YouTube is competing with mainstream cable television which has shows with higher more professional production values on average than most YouTube videos which a lot of them are one man shows. One man band. 

Even if someone watches an ad on YouTube, the chances are slim that they will get the product so advertisers on YouTube are taking a chance. 

Friday, December 10

Sadly, I heard that one of my friends had died. He was around 80 and had been battling cancer for 5 years. He was part of a husband and wife duo who volunteered at the morning soup kitchen at the Catholic Church. He once told me, "Remember that God lives you very much." He was a great man. 

I went to Walmart today and the shelves are stocked again. Steaks are there and all others things are there again. At Walmart, I got steaks, a Smores pie and imitation crab sticks amongst other things. 

On a Church pamphlet that I kept, there is a really good picture of Jesus. I thought of framing it. Walmart sells small picture frames for $4  that would fit the picture of Jesus that I have but the colour of the frame is black. So I didn't get it. I want a picture frame that's either white or brown to frame a picture of Jesus. Black seems too dark. I might get it if I go back again if I don't see any other picture frames at that price. This is too trivial of a matter. Why am I even writing about it? 

The nest day, on Saturday, I got a picture frame at London Drugs for $4.50. 

I framed it off center. So what? 

I sometimes worry about things that years later I realize really didn't matter. Don't get hung up or worried about trivial things. Perfectionism. One could do something a thousand different ways and they each all be perfect. There isn't just one version of perfect. Carry on. 

I don't have to be 100% normal. It is permitted even good to be a little bit crazy. As long as crazy doesn't hurt anyone or myself and is not something illegal or criminal. 

"No we'll never ever survive unless we get a little bit crazy." Seal

Martin Sheen said, "When I was younger, I was afraid of things that I didn't have to be afraid of."

Christmas is about giving. I've given out about 9 Christmas cards so far starting on Monday December 6 and I haven't even gotten one in return. That's the kind of people in this town. Of course I remember times in the past when people had given me gifts, Christmas cards etc and I didn't give one in return. It just slipped my mind, I guess. This isn't something to worry about. The department store Santa gives lots of children candy canes, Christmas cards etc and he rarely if ever gets one in return. The mythological Santa Claus, his premise is he gives gifts and doesn't really get gifts in return. He does get a lot of letters before Christmas asking for gifts though. Sometimes people don't write Christmas cards for anyone as it's not their style. Don't worry about it. 

Saturday, December 11

Today, I took my girlfriend to Winners and got her a stuffed teddy bear of her choice for Christmas. 

Then afterwards I went to Ox King Chinese restaurant. 

My wonderful meal at Ox King had bok choy which is a prebiotic, it had pickled beans which is a probiotic and it had a boiled egg which is an Omega 3. 

I took an afternoon walk to Beacon Hill Park Beach. 

I still feel residual micro bits of anxiety at times but mostly I feel calm and happy. Thank you God for this beautiful moment. Thank you God for this beautiful day. Thank you God for the gift of life. 

The barge stuck in Vancouver English Bay now that it's firmly stuck there could be converted into a restaurant, with shopping mall and even a place where a person could get a massage. The place where the barge is stuck is now called Barge Chilling Park. 

I am feeling fear again today. I'm sunk. I wonder if I'll ever be happy again. 

A planet called B Centauri B that is ten times the size of Jupiter orbiting twin stars one of which is three times hotter than the sun located 325 light years away is something that is scary. I wouldn't want to visit that planet. But then, who would? 

Jupiter is 11 times wider than the Earth but 1,300 Earth's could fit in it meaning that Centauri B is 13,000 times bigger than the Earth! Massive. 

That planet would have a thousand time zones. A day on that planet might be 1,000 hours long. Don't quote me on this as this isn't mathematically accurate at all, just a guess. In this supposed case, daylight would be 500 hours long and night time would be 500 hours long on the equinox days. Give or take a few dozen hours on the solstice days. Experiencing a day and night that is about 500 hours long each is something that is worse than experiencing a global pandemic. 

At the Poles of this planet, it would be months or even years before one would see daylight or else night time ever again. Months or years of night time darkness is a recipe for depression. Months or years of daylight is a recipe for burnout. Actually, months or years of nothing but daylight might be a heavenly experience. 

Sunday, December 12, 2021

Dr John Campbell on YouTube says that Omicron has a R factor of 2.5 which means that every day, 2.5 more people will be infected than yesterday. He said that everyone is going to get it. Most people will be asymptomatic or have mild symptoms. Once everyone gets it, herd immunity will be achieved. Getting omicron is a natural vaccine. John Campbell said in a video that omicron will have 90% less hospitalizations. 

I will get my third vaccine dose after January 4. 

The UK is raising their emergency level from 3 to a more severe 4. Lockdowns will happen again. The health system will be under strain again. This will happen worldwide. 

There will be pressure for all including children to get a third dose of vaccine. 

UK is very crowded. The UK altogether has about 67 million people or twice the population of all of Canada on a land area just 4 times the size of Vancouver Island. Things are done differently in the UK than are done in Canada. Most European countries although a small fraction of the size of Canada on average each have twice Canada's population. 

I still worry about the future. 

Fear and anxiety comes up often for me. 

I still thank God for the gift of life. Thanking God changes one's focus. 

From the information that I have, I will probably be on welfare for life and I will never get married. That's why I worry about the future. It will be dismal and I will have to live it. Me and millions of others will have a dismal future. I might die of coronavirus. I leave my life in God's hands. 

It's not that I want to die. However it's a possibility that I could accept. I think that my future is going nowhere so I am that more accepting of my possible death from covid 19. 

Anne Rice died at age 80. She was a great writer. RIP

I thought the movie Interview With The Vampire was very scary. I wouldn't watch that movie ever again. Too scary. 

In the book The Vampire Lestat, she wrote that in the eclectic modern times in bookstores, Lestat who lived in the 1700s, was surprised to see Renaissance poetry, Dickens and Shakespeare was sold next to copies of The Egyptian Book of the Dead. Most of her novels were set in New Orleans. 

I don't want to have children. I don't like the human species. 

Not to use any names, YouTube has a video about a Black doctor who got poisoned in prison. Dr Sebi. He was a really good doctor who suggested that a high alkaline diet could cure many diseases such as cancer, aids, and being overweight. His cures really did work according to the video. 

The doctor had a compound in Haiti or someplace like that. 

Two famous rappers who were going to produce a documentary about him died of mysterious causes. 

One day he was arrested for alleged money laundering and sent to prison. His organization still exists but other people took it over and are selling knock offs that didn't work of his original cures that really did work. 

That's why I hate the human species. The people in his organization are members of the human species. The human species has the potential to be really rotten and its not worth it to me to be bringing any more members of the pernicious egregious human species into this World. I don't believe in the human species. I think that I won the game of life when I didn't have any children. 

Search YouTube for doctor poisoned in prison for curing cancer and you might find the video. How come the person who made the YouTube video is still alive and didn't die like the famous rappers? The video is quite incriminating to the wrong people. 

Monday, December 13, 2021

I have chronic lifelong depression. I spent a lot of the day depressed. 

Then I reminded myself that feelings don't always reflect the reality. They rarely do. It's all right to have feelings. Just know that the mind often plays tricks with you. Of course no one is happy and blissful forevermore 24 hours a day. It's not black and white or all or nothing. It's the middle ground. Usually a person is somewhere between happiness and complete depression. 

Things can get good in the future. The future is full of surprises good and bad. 

Good things that can happen for me is that in a few years I could move back to Vancouver again. Hopefully it will be a cleaner Vancouver. 

Anyone who is homeless, hard to house, and drug addicted at Main and Hastings in Vancouver can be moved to a large fenced in camp. This camp could have cubicles with bunk beds as well as common recreational area indoors and outdoors. There would be meals served for free as well as the option for slightly better meals, snacks etc for a small amount of money.

There could be on site nurses and a safe injection site for those who use needles. The nurses would be there most of the day. Security guards would be there 24 hours a day. 

There could even be a small Police detachment next to or near the camp. 

There is no obligation to stay there all day and anyone can leave and take the bus to explore shopping malls and parks and forests and beaches. This would clean up the downtown eastside. But whether or not something like this happens is another thing. This camp might be located at Surrey, Delta, Mission, Langley or anywhere in the outskirts. People at the camp who opt for it could be placed in an employment program although employment would be limited to janitor, dishwasher, short order cooks, McDonald's or else they could learn a trade like carpentry and construction work. 

My landlord told me that every morning, paramedics etc do a drive through of the downtown eastside to collect dead bodies. About 4 are collected every day lying in the streets and doorways. These people might have lived if they were placed in a camp. It wouldn't be like a containment camp as they would be allowed in and out priveleges and riding the bus to explore different places like museums, parks, go see a movie, etc. 

I think that a lot of the homeless are hard wired to the funky architecture and the buildings of the downtown eastside and would be hard pressed to relocate. The incentive they would have for moving would be to live in a community setting where they're less likely to die of a drug overdose, and to live in a theme park setting with all their friends. Incentives would be cheaper rent with more money left over on their welfare cheques. They'd all have a roof over their heads at night. The camp would also distribute a clean drug supply. There are organizations already which distribute a clean drug supply in a limited basis. This camp would also have a spectro microscope lab which can examine if drugs are safe or unsafe. 

The likelihood of this happening is next to zero so the body snatches collecting the dead every morning will sadly be an ongoing reality. This would discourage anyone who seeks to live in one of the SRO hotels and to live a relatively drug free life. Relatively means smoking tobacco and pot and drinking moderate amounts of alcohol at most or else not using any substances at all. 

Not all people who use needles live in the slum or the skid row area. A lot of junkies live in middle class or even upper class neighborhoods. It would be impossible to relocate all the junkies from the downtown eastside but a camp would help keep the numbers down to a minimal. 

Using needles is using drugs on another level but what if a person merely smokes crack or whatever and doesn't use needles at all? I don't know what to say about that. Hopefully they don't do any criminal activities. Otherwise they could be relocated to the camp if not arrested first by the Police. 

With any luck, Hastings could again look like it did during the 1950s to the 1970s and before. It was a clean area where the middle class took their families for shopping. There were the few hardcore alcoholics but they were mainly harmless and that was all. 

If a person at the camp displayed good behaviour and were able to be off intravenous drugs and or opiates for a year or more, they could be moved back to the cleaner Hastings Street area or anywhere else they wanted to and could go. 

This camp might not be able to start until after the covid pandemic ends or else everyone there would have to be triple vaccinated. 

The camp would have a curfew just like the building that is the town of Whittier Alaska or else the $1 a year rent Fuggerei village in Germany which has curfews. 

Thank God for the gift of life. 

The future is full of good surprises and bad surprises are challenges and lessons that can strengthen character and make one into a better and better person. 

Hopefully if I remember to say or to write this often enough and for long enough, it will make a difference. This is better than the alternative which is to talk negatively. Sometimes a person can psyche themselves into depression. And they can psyche themselves out of depression. 

The mind plays tricks. Depression thoughts are bullshit. Optimism thoughts are bullshit too. But optimism thoughts are better for mental health. 

Philippians 4:6–7

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand.

I think I have mental illness. 

Tonight, I threw away the garbage. Now a classic sign of hoarders is going through the garbage to see if they mistakenly threw out anything that might be valuable to them. 

I threw away the garbage and I threw away a postcard I wanted. When I fished out the postcard I also fished out 3 magazines. I threw out the postcard, didn't need it as well as 2 of the three magazines. 

I read one of the magazines, thought I didn't need it, threw it out. Thought I needed it so I took it back the second time. Had a read of it including the horoscope, thought I didn't need it, threw it out again. An hour ago, I fished out that magazine a third time to reread the horoscope. Now I'm keeping the magazine for an indefinite period of time. It's the December issue of Monday Magazine, a local magazine. Is that crazy? I asked my girlfriend if I am crazy or mentally ill. She said no. I personally think that I might be crazy for being hung up on trivial things. I hope I'm not crazy. Where's my mental illness going to take me tomorrow? 

I want to be normal. I don't want the Police to take me to the mental ward. 

Omicron is 40% in the UK. Tomorrow it will be over 50%. I am planning to see Dune and the seats are nearly sold out. The theater will be crowded. Is it a superspreader event? Everyone will be fully vaccinated, vaccine passports and masked. People will be setting in one place and not moving around and mingling. It should be alright. Canada still has a low number of Omicron cases but this could change in the next few days or weeks. A lot of people in Canada already have their third dose. After January 4th anyone in this Province of British Columbia can be given a 3rd booster shot without pre-registration. 

I will get my booster shot after January 4. The line up will be long but I'll wait. Most cases are mild but a small percentage hospitalized of everyone getting it will be a large number for the hospitals to deal with. Everyone will be exposed to it. Omicron has a high R factor of 2.5. Any R factor over 1 is considered exponential. 

I worry that since the body produces antibodies through bone marrow and the lymph nodes, if the body is flooded with antibodies, it will get a signal that there is more than enough antibodies, no need to produce any more. Once the vaccine antibodies wear off, there will be a few days window until the body gets the signal that it needs to produce antibodies again. In that few days window, a person can more easily get a disease. That's my worry of vaccines. 

But when one does get a disease that really sends the body a signal to ramp up antibody production. 

Similarly, this is the mechanism around popular hedonistic illegal drugs. All drugs mimic a chemical that is already in the body. The feel good chemicals are serotonin as in the case of ecstacy, dopamine as in the case of cocaine and crystal meth, and endorphins. The feel good sleepy time chemical is melatonin as in the case of opiates like heroin and fentanyl. Illegal drugs mimic these feel good chemicals. Dr Feelgood. When illegal drugs are taken, the body which usually produces these chemicals send a signal that since the chemical is already in the body or in the body in overload amounts, there is no need to produce anymore. When the drugs wear off, it takes some times for the body to notice the absence of these chemicals and to start producing them again. Illegal drugs work on the limbic system, the reptile brain or the R complex which is what produces the feel good chemicals. It's the most ancient primeval part of the brain responsible for food appetite, sleep and sex. 

It would be better to quit using illegal drugs. In time they stop being fun and could result in burnout in the long term and some illegal drugs could result in death. That's just a suggestion. An individual will do or will not do whatever they want. 

I would strongly discourage the use of all drugs except for marijuana. With that drug, I would neither encourage nor discourage a person from using it. This is just my personal opinion. Again, it's all up to you. 

Drug terminology:

Uploading: when a drug dealer sells an intravenous drug to a drug user

Downloading: when a drug user injects an intravenous drug into their body

Tuesday, December 14

Dont worry. If things turn out well then it turns out you worried for nothing. 

If things turn out bad then you will look back on times when things were better and you wasted that time worrying. 

Thank God for the gift of life. 

If the pandemic does anything, it's God's way of bringing us closer to Him. It is a time to develop faith for faith is most active during the bad times, not the good times. 

There are many Gods. The East Indians have their own God, and other cultures too etc. 

The pandemic will run its course. 

The News said that the WHO warns that Africa won't achieve at least 70% vaccinations until 2024. People travelling to and from Africa will have to be fully vaccinated and undergo testing etc. That won't apply to most people as most people not from Africa probably won't travel there. The only place in Africa that I'm midly interested in visiting is to Egypt to see the pyramids. But that's not a major priority. The pyramids are wrecked. It'd be one thing to see it in its full glory when it was covered in white marble. I am content to see the pyramids on a YouTube video. New theories suggest that the pyramids were power plants generating a type of power unknown to us. Magnetic power. In essence, the pyramids were large pyramid shaped Tesla coils. Who knows, right? 

One thing that gave me courage during the fearful dark times in my life which was pretty much all the time as I've only ever lived in rooming houses as an adult and never any nice houses, well maybe a few times, was  to be like Fight Club and pretend I was someone else. I'd be essentially acting the whole time. It was a lot easier when I was young to pretend to be someone who was older than me. People who are younger often wish they were older and it would be eventually achievable. 

For eg in my 20s, sometimes I pretended that I was Martin Sheen or else Benjamin Willard in Apocalypse Now. In my 20s I pretended I was Luke Skywalker who was older then me. 

Now that I'm in my 50s it's more difficult to pretend to be an alter ego or action hero role model who is younger than me. 

People who are older sometimes wish they were younger yet that would not ever be achievable. So it's a different dynamic. 

Too bad because the ideal is that even in my 70s and beyond, I would still like to pretend that I'm an action hero. The problem is, most action heroes are younger than me so that changes the dynamic. 

I have to find a solution to this. In Apocalypse Now, Martin Sheen of Apocalypse Now is younger and older than me. Presuming that Apocalypse Now was filmed in 1978, Martin Sheen was 38 but that was back in 1978. 

Starkiller of Star Wars is younger than me but also he is a character that isn't born yet because Star Wars is either set in the distant future with that futuristic technology or in the distant past, ie A long time ago in a galaxy far far away. 

The best way to do it is to pretend that Martin Sheen and Starkiller etc are timeless. At any age, I can pretend to be Martin Sheen and Starkiller and Luke Skywalker even at age 51 and beyond. Luke Skywalker was originally to be a 60 year old general but George Lucas changed that idea. 

With the timeless aspect, even at 80 if I'm still around and have the strength, I could pretend that I'm a Hollywood action hero. The World will look very different when I'm 80. I'm thinking of a futuristic Tron and Blade Runner World. An 80 year old could be a swashbuckling action hero. There are no rules to that. 

Martin Sheen really didn't do much action hero stuff in Apocalypse Now. He just went around with an intense sad haunted hypnotic action hero stare. 

It is only through pretending to be an action hero from the movies again could I develop the courage to travel and to smoke pot. Smoking pot made it easier to channel a fantasy energy that allowed me to pretend to be an action hero. It's somewhat more challenging to do it while clean and sober because marijuana is a fantasy inducing drug. However I think I could do it. How many other older people have this problem? 

Without pretending to be a Hollywood action hero and only pretending to be myself, I could never develop the courage to travel which I've lost since my major burnout or breakdown in the summer of 2021.

Perhaps Hollywood could make more movies where old people are swashbuckling. There are some movies like that I think, like The Expendables and Tom Cruise is well into his 50s and still a swashbuckling hero. Tom Cruise is someone to be admired because of that. He is an inspirational actor. 

Alec Guinness when he was Ben Kenobi was very swashbuckling and he was an action hero in Star Wars.

For women as well, Hollywood needs to make movies where old women as well as young women are swashbuckling heroines. That would be an inspiration not only to women but to all people with the spirit of adventure within us. 

Maybe I can get some advice one day accidentally from either a YouTube video or even the News when it comes to this. 

I need to pretend that I'm a Hollywood action hero 24 hours a day or I'm sunk. 

The French write of an oeuvre, an egg, or else it can be called the arc of inspiration and imagination. I've exhausted my oeuvre. I have no more ideas for cartoon animation. Any idea I would have thought of, I've already done in animation. Action fight cartoons, science fiction cartoons, Star Wars, animal cartoons, Christmas cartoons, even a cartoon about a plague doctor. I'm all out of ideas. At this point I doubt I will ever do a cartoon ever again. At one point I was staying up till 5:30 in the morning to do cartoons. That is a 100% surefire recipe for burnout. Even the thought of it still scares me. 

Don't do cartoons past 9 pm at the latest. Give yourself enough time to wind down and to get an adequate good night's sleep. 

I don't know if I'll ever do cartoons ever again. Maybe not for at least two years. But when I do cartoons, I get nothing back. Low view count, very few comments a lot of them snarky comments. And certainly no money. Isn't that just the forces of life? Do something, give out a certain kind of energy and then get absolutely nothing in return. No thanks. I might not do cartoons ever again. At this point I don't want to. Doing any firm of art takes inspiration and I have absolutely no inspiration in my life at this point. None. And a global pandemic doesn't help either as it has completely taken the wind out of my sails. No more cartoons. Maybe forever. That's it. I've had it. And to get more storage space, I have to erase my old cartoon projects and I don't want to do that. I'm a bit of a hoarder in that way. There's no reason for me to do any more cartoons. I just can't do it anymore. 

BC is thinking about more restrictions. 

The pandemic is a lot of government hysteria and hype. 

The pandemic is about a certain dramatis personae of personalities wanting to keep the pot stirring so they can make bank and keep their rice bowls full.

The pandemic is government hype like the government hype of stopping and questioning anyone from certain countries like Iran even though most Iranians are decent law abiding citizens and not in any way connected to terrorism. The type of hype that once called French fries freedom fries. 

The government isn't really interested about health. If the government  was so gung ho about health, the government wouldn't be dragging their feet about dispensing a safe drug supply to inveterate intravenous drug users who are dying on a daily basis at a rate more than people are dying of covid. They're dropping like flies! The News even admitted more people die of drug overdoses than if covid. 

You do realize that a lot of people who work in government are sadistic or psychopaths or have narcissistic personality disorder if not white collar criminals. Jobs in government seem to attract these types. 

Even with the original strain of covid which was the most lethal, only the very old and those with comorbid health problems and the immunodeficient would die of covid. Then the less lethal but more contagious delta strain came along and their logic was to vaccinate children too. Hype and hysteria. 

Even without covid, at the default mode of society, there are a thousand ways to die. There was a TV show called that, A Thousand Ways To Die. 

People die of car accidents all the time but they don't take cars off the road. People die of smoking tobacco all the time yet tobacco is legal, so much so that they sponsor race car driving events and jazz festivals. 

So fair art thou, my bonnie lass,

   So deep in luve am I;

And I will luve thee still, my dear,

   Till a’ the seas gang dry.

Robbie Burns, A Red Red Rose

Bonnie Henry doesn't add to society, she detracts from society. She creates nothing. All she is is a Cassandra that likes to scare the shut out of people about some chickenshit pandemic. If the pandemic was so hard core then News anchors would be dying of covid. If the pandemic was so hard core then Bonnie Henry would have died of covid and we would have since then had two or three or more replacement Bonnie Henrys, replaced again and again because they all died of covid. 

You Tube comments pastiched said she already made a few million dollars off of this, that she hasn't looked at or treated a single person with covid or spent an entire day working at a covid ward despite being a so called doctor, that she talks to people in a slow deliberate patronizing sanctimonious way as if she were talking to children. 

Forget the pandemic. Forget the government. 

Be thankful to the government for the times they were kind to you for the government has been kind to me for years if not decades, but forget the government hysteria and hype that even governments themselves in-fight about. A lot of MP's and MLAs are unvaccinsted and decided to be so. This causes no end of parliamentary acrimony and infighting. 

Medical workers are required to be vaccinated or get fired. But there are no such vaccine requirements for Police Officers and for politicians. 

Politicians - We rule you. 

Police - We shoot at you. 

See how this works? The most powerful in society are those exempt from rules. 

The policies of this pandemic sure likes to selectively cherry pick which demographics have vaccine requirements or not which makes it difficult to take this pandemic seriously. 

Trust the government. Love the government. But forget about the government hype and hysteria. 

As for travel restrictions, the travel industry is bullshit. If you miss your flight, don't expect a refund from the airlines. I missed two flights and was not given a refund. Foreign countries are full of touts and stories of assholes drugging a tourists food and then robbing them. Most tourists hardly leave the toutist trap area and never take the time to learn the local language nor make friends with any locals so for them travelling is just an overpriced voyeuristic experience. See this sight, see that sight, what's the difference? 

The pandemic will end when keeping it going becomes severely counterproductive to them. If you follow any point too far, you wind up being counterproductive to yourself. Eating is good, but eating too much is counterproductive to oneself. Own a luxury car is good, but if you owned a thousand luxury cars even if you could afford it, it would be counterproductive trying to keep track of and to have regular maintenance done on them all. Etc. 

Keeping a pandemic go on too long is counterproductive to a government as people stop voting for them and vote for someone else, people are no longer able to pay taxes although this may not matter so much since government invests heavily on cryptocurrency that has a massive speculation and accelerating value. Like bitcoin. When bitcoin started, it was sold on par with the dollar. Now 1 bitcoin unit is worth thousands of dollars. If you invested in $200 worth of bitcoin when it started, you'd be a multi millionaire now. 

Money used to have a gold standard. Money was actually backed with gold. Conventional money had a limited supply. Cryptocurrency isn't backed with gold. Cryptocurrency is backed with an ability to generate complex block chains of code. The supply of Cryptocurrency is therefore unlimited. 

Unlike National currencies, cryptocurrencies aren't tied to any Nations. And unlike National currencies crypto currencies have a stock market IPO; initial public offering. 

I don't take the pandemic seriously anymore. The premise is so lopsided and contradictory like a bad movie full of plot holes that it's difficult to take it seriously. Life isn't that much more dangerous with this pandemic and not much less dangerous without this pandemic. Take care and stay safe. 

No one reads my writings anyways. 

I don't know or care if I myself might wind up dying in the pandemic but my life is going nowhere and I have no future except poverty and masturbation. I'll probably never get off welfare. I'll probably never get married but no marriage is better than a shitty marriage. So if I die of the pandemic, then I'll find out what the afterlife holds. Meanwhile until then, I will continually thank God for the gift of life. Whatever happens I will place my life in God's hands. 

Thursday, December 16

For the vast majority of people, the anxiety surrounding the pandemic can be likened to that of a death row prisoner sentenced to death, but on multiple occasions, the death date has been delayed again and again. Then one day, not only has his sentence been commuted to life, he makes parole and is released into freedom. 

Anxiety of the pandemic can develop into overlapping anxieties. It has for me. I am now struggling with the peripheral anxieties about eating, going to public places even anxiety about masturbation. My sex drive is gone. I'm not the man I was. I can never get married at this point. In that way, I have no future. At any event, there is no woman I can commit to enough to make her my wife. I have commitment issues. 

Psychology teaches that the mind struggles to maintain homeostasis. One day I'll be all right again. One day I will get my confidence back, I will get my sex drive back, I will get my courage to travel back, I will get all of it back. One day, I will get my mojo back. 

Yesterday, I saw Dune at the IMAX at the Royal BC Museum. It was the most awesome experience of all. 1st time at a regular theatre, a regular theatre screen experience. Second time at the IMAX at Silver city at Tillicum Mall, a typical full screen Imax experience. Third time at the RBCM the first scene was letterbox screen. Just when I thought it would be letterbox screen the whole time, there was all of a sudden scenes that would be full Imax screen. Batman The Dark Knight Rises with Bane was like that too. It was awesome and well worth the money. 

Sydney Australia is building the biggest IMAX screen in the World. 

Unfortunately, the Dune 2021 blu ray will not go from letterbox to full screen like the blu ray of Batman The Dark Knight Rises blu ray is. 

It would be difficult to get a ticket to see Dune at the RBCM IMAX. The tickets are nearly all sold out. I was lucky to get a seat. I lucked out. I got a seat right in the center of the theatre and not off to one side. 

Thank God for the gift of life. 

Thank God for this beautiful day. 

Today I went to a concert at a Church. It was a good time. 

Before, I squandered so many years in negativity and suicidal ideation. Now it's only going to be Thank God for the gift of life for the rest of my life. I am making up for lost time. 

The extreme burnout and anxiety of the pandemic has caused me to reexamine my mental outlook and thinking patterns. Suicide is never ever the answer. Everyone has a mission in life and has other people to live for. Just your presence alone can inspire lots of people to go on with living and to celebrate the gift of life. 

Pastor Joel Osteen said that just after Jesus got baptized, God said, This is my son with whom I am well pleased. This was before Jesus did any miracles. God was pleased with Jesus not because of what he did but because of who he was. God is also thus pleased with you. You don't have to do anything to prove yourself. God loves you just as you are. 

Covid restrictions are different in different parts of Canada compared to us here in British Columbia. 

Canada's population. 38 million

Ontario population: 14.5 million. Toronto population: 6.8 million

Quebec Province population: 8.6 million. Montreal population: 1.8 million

British Columbia population: 5.2  million. Vancouver population: 2.6 million. Vancouver Island population: 847,000. Victoria BC population: 390,000.

BC is Canada's third most populous Province. 

Saturday, December 18

One day this pandemic is going to end. Someone somewhere will come up with a scientific breakthrough. Aids was once a death sentence. Then it was a 10 pill cocktail a day. Now its down to one pill a day. Some people with aids are still alive 30 years later. 

I will get the third shot once it's easily available. At one time you had to register for the first and second shot. Then they had walk in clinics when anyone could just walk in without an appointment and get a vaccine inoculation. If it's too difficult to get it or if I have to register first then I won't get it. Anything that is too difficult isn't worth doing at all. 

As for the vaccine passports, I used to see just one movie a year for a lot of years. I would eat at restaurants no more than twice a month. I didn't go to Church for years at one point. Now that there's a vaccine passport system, I used it and went to see so many movies this year, I lost count of how many. I went to a lot of restaurants this year. 

I think that I have no future. I thank God for the gift of life. Yet at the same time I'm surprised that I'm still alive. What future do I have except more poverty? I don't know or don't care if I ever get married or not. Why is God keeping me alive? I don't know that I'll still be around in ten years at this rate. Maybe even one year. I have a scab that's turned into hard snots in my nose still that I'm not sure will ever go away. I might die from that. I could see an ear nose and throat doctor but it's nearly impossible to see any kind of doctor in this pandemic. 

If I were to die in ten years, even one year, that would be in God's hands. 

I don't have anything to live for. It's not as if I had a wife and children. Someone like that would have something to live for on another level from what I have. They would care if they lived or not. I myself on the other hand don't care if God takes me quickly. It would be a really weird day but it would soon be gotten over with. 

I myself would not do myself in. It would be scary that the person I looked at in the mirror all these decades is the one who does me in. Unsavoury. Scary. Creepy. Now don't anyone of you even dare to think of doing yourself in. Death must always be in the hands of God. 

I refuse to move to a smaller town. After living in a larger town with its evolved infrastructure, moving to a smaller town is taking a step backwards. Smaller towns usually have a small or even a tiny movie theatre. Definitely taking a step backwards. Visiting is an idea but don't move there. Talk about a fishbowl existence. 

The best type of town in my opinion is a medium sized town. Towns that are too large are too sprawling. And they often have really awful and derelict slum areas full of junkies and the dissolute. Los Angeles and Vancouver have really terrible skid row street slum areas. Just wretched! 

If you could live in a nice neighborhood in a large town, that'd be one thing. But real estate is unattainable, unreachable, too expensive which is why I thank God I never had any children. What kind of real estate market would await them? A financially impossible one, that's what. 

Life is too difficult. I don't know if I have the strength to live my future. I have to clean up my room so that it looks like a lived in and cozy Ikea showroom. Too few things would make the room look stark and that's no good, it'd be scary. I don't know if I have the strength to clean my room let alone live the rest of my future. I don't know or care if God will take me even though I thank God for the gift of life. 

Dylan Thomas wrote Do not go gentle into that good night. But he only had to hump it til age 39. He died at age 39 of alcoholism. Meanwhile I am age 51. How could Dylan Thomas write that? What did he know about being age 51? I think 51 is old. But Quora and Reddit said it's not too old. It's the new 30. People who are this age and older are still skiing and in some cases flying airplane. 

That kind of thinking only goes so far. 100 is the new 80. That's a lose-lose situation. In either case it's old. I neither want to live to 100 nor even remotely think that I would live to 100. I think that the coronavirus vaccines will prevent anyone from living to 100 because that's what they're designed to do. It's about population control. The vaccines are there to make sure that no one lives to 100. 

I thank God for the gift of life even if I'm not sure if I have the will to live. I'm mainly surprised that I'm still alive. 

I wouldn't hope that God takes my life. I'm just surprised that he hasn't and I'm not sure that I would care if he did. I don't really have the will to live. Live for what? The future? An awful and boring future? No thanks. 

Anti vaxxers call the News fear porn. If you don't get the vaccine you could possibly die. 

What. Anti vaxxers have no fear porn? If you do get the vaccine, you could possibly die. 'They don't want to save you. They want to kill you.' 

Whatever side you side with, either way you lose. It's a lose-lose situation. That's the kind of society it's become. 

And you wonder why I have more or less lost the will to live. 

Maybe a YouTube video will have an answer. I found out about a shaman called Ruda Iande. I wonder what he will say? Haven't watched any of his videos yet. 

BC Health Minister Adrian Dix disclosed that he has type 1 diabetes. 

DIX is 509 in Roman numerals. Urban dictionary said that 509 is the Eastern Washington State including Spokane area code or else anyone who is from Eastern Washington State. 

"How crazy ARE you? Really. " The French Dispatch

On Saturday December the 18th I went to Star Cinema in Sidney BC for the first time to see a movie. The movie was The French Dispatch. It was a wonderful movie. Everyone in the movie was a little bit crazy which was an answer to my ongoing anxiety. Being anxious is a kind of crazy. The French Dispatch taught me that the World is a kind of mental asylum where everybody has their quirks. And it is these quirks that makes them lovable instead of deplorable. 

I was going to go to Royal Aroma East Indian restaurant but it was empty. So I stood there for about half a minute or more and then I took off. Even the staff were not there or they were all in the kitchen. I was going to have lamb vindaloo and curried mussels. I had my mind set on that. However I already spent $33 on groceries and $10 on the movie. The dinner would have been $45 with taxes and tips. That exceeds my daily budget. I already exceeded my daily budget as it is. 

I'll go there next time. And see another movie. That way, the daily budget is more balanced. 

Feeling anxiety and taking off when a restaurant is empty was one of my quirks emerging. I have been suffering with anxiety within the last few months. Will my anxiety ever end? I wonder. 

I could have but didn't go to another restaurant. Not wanting to exceed my budget and wanting to come back while it was still daylight, I characteristically declined that option and with some anxiety. 

I loved Star Cinema. There's nothing like seeing a movie in another town. I've seen a movie in the towns of Vancouver, Dawson Creek, Grand Prairie, Prince Rupert, Bangkok, Chiang Mai, Victoria BC and now Sidney BC too. 

The French Dispatch is already my favourite Wes Anderson movie. My second favourite Wes Anderson movie is The Hotel Grand Budapest. The Wes Anderson movie about the children's camp, Moonrise Kingdom, was one I didn't really understand. As an adult, I'm not that much of a fan of movies with children. I was more of a fan when I myself was actually a child but that was decades ago. 

The French Dispatch had a lot of crazy characters with lovable quirks. I love Sidney BC. It's the only smaller town in the World where I would consider moving to. But I already brought my quirk of picking up garbage and throwing it in the garbage can or else getting so hung up on things I often walk back to have a second look to Sidney BC. I really didn't want to bring my quirky self to Sidney BC. I wanted to bring my normal and perfect self. I guess I screwed up. 

I just love love love Star Cinema and Sidney BC as well. I'd move there if I had the chance. The internet has ads about places to live there that I could afford. These places are typically basement suites in someone's house. That's the problem. In a rooming house, it's 70 tenants against the one landlord. In a basement suite, it's just one tenant against the one landlord. If something goes wrong, you really have problems. 

Sidney has a nice vibe, but any town can just get to you in a year or less. Towns become traps unless you develop a close knit friendly relationship with the people in that town. One goes deeper into any town not through the sights, the infrastructure or the architecture. One does it through the ever deepening friendships with the people. 

There's nothing to do in Sidney except to ride the bus to Victoria or Vancouver. 

Douglas Bloch said, "Tune in to your higher self. If the thoughts are blocked it's not your higher self. If the thoughts are smooth and flowing, it's your higher self."

A lot of travelling is hurry up and wait. That's why covid cancelling international travel is not anything to worry about. I've lost my courage to internationally travel. So any trips to London England is off until I get my courage back. If ever. My courage to travel to London England has evaporated. I think I'm too old to travel to London England. 

I have no more courage to travel. I only have anxiety to travel. 

With Sidney BC, which is the only town I have the courage to travel to, I can go there and come back and it's still daylight and I can do it all in one day. If I were to travel to London, I'd have to stay overnight for a few nights. I'm not sure how I'd be able to make it back to the airport. London UK is a huge sprawling city. Too overwhelming. 

Thank God for the gift of life. Thank God for the wonderful day that is today. Travelling is an adventure. Travelling is a privelege and a luxury. 

Life is full of good surprises. A few days ago let alone a few months ago, I never would have thought that I'd see a movie in Sidney BC. And it was a really good movie at that. 

It's all a trap. What was once an escape eventually becomes a trap. 

Towns are traps. Apps are a trap. Church is a trap. Friends are traps. Being single is a trap. Marriage is a trap. Life is a trap. The afterlife is probably a trap too. What aren't traps is one moment to another in linear time. One moment leads to another. One is never trapped in a moment. But the ever present now is a trap. The only thing to do is to go on living and to enjoy the traps. Enjoyment is not a trap. 

Poverty is a trap. Being rich is a trap. Too many things to keep track of. Too overwhelming. Being rich means you could travel only to find out that every town is a trap, every town is an awful town. Poverty's problems or else a rich man's problems. 

Depression, boredom, despair anxiety and fear is the default mode. Once in awhile I feel the Sunday vibes but at their deepest Sunday vibes are just a trap. Deep Sunday vibes feel really early 70s and Churchy. It's gets to be a bit much sometimes. Otherwise there is no hope. No happiness. No existential solution. Just keep calm and carry on. What is being happy and what does it mean? Perhaps love is happiness. Love others but remember to love yourself too. Set boundaries for yourself. Don't push yourself to the limit or else anxiety and burnout can happen. 

I really hope that I'm not mentally ill. I feel stressed out and anxious often. One day, I'll be better than ever before. 

Dr John Campbell said that vaccine injections should be aspirated. This is the first time I've heard of this. Aspirated means that after the needle is injected into the skin, the plunger is pulled up slightly before the injection is completely administered. 

Performing cunnilingus can cause cancer as HPV or human papilloma virus is present in 30% or more of mouth and throat cancers. 90% of adults who have sex have HPV. The body usually gets rid of it in 2 years but smoking delays the getting rid of it. 

There are over 200 strains of HPV. Of the 200, only 13 of them can cause cancer. The virus attaches itself to a receptor under the skin called the haperen sulfate receptor. 90% of those with HPV will get rid of it out of their body either through showering or naturally. 

Only 1% of those with an HPV persistent infection will get cancer. That's about the same percentage of those who are likely to die from covid. 

But there are lots of people who had none or very little sex who get cancer. 

There are about 100 types of cancer. The most deadliest forms include lung cancer, prostate cancer, liver cancer, skin cancer, colorectal cancer etc. 

If the pain is too much to go on, in Canada a person can request MAiD or else medical assistance in dying. This can be administered via an oral medication to the drank or else via an intravenous injection of some chemical. 

I've performed cunnilingus during my life. 

I have a hard snot in my nose. If the cigarette I am smoking gets smoked too short, smoke can go into my nostril. This smoke can help the hard snot turn into cancer.

I'm not saying that this will happen but anything can happen if I'm not careful. 

I'm a hypochondriac. 

Since there are 100 types of cancer, there are more than 100 possible causes from cunnilingus to smoking to even eating the wrong foods. 

There are foods that can decrease the risk of cancer like grapes and tomatoes and green tea. 

If I have anything wrong with me and it gets too bad, I will opt for MAiD. The MAiD process gives a person ten days to reconsider during which one can change their mind. Once the ten days are up, that's it. 

So there are other things to worry about other than a pandemic of a disease which kills less than 2% of those who get it. 

Besides cancer and omicron, there are lots of ways a person can die. Get hit by a car, etc. 

Besides getting the covid vaccine, sexualky active people can get vaccinated against HPV types 16 and 18 with Gardasil. 

That leads to a whole rabbit hole of vaccines. Get vaccinated for shingles too. So many vaccinations to get, so little time. 

The House Energy and Commerce Committee said that there are 10,000 disease and just 500 cures. The German government said that there are 30,000 disease and 7,000 of them are rare.*

*Source: The Washington Post

There are 10,000 diseases and covid omicron is just one of them. Again, hysteria and hype. 

Seen in that light, covid-19 is just the 'Disease of the Week'. 

With my anxiety and my health fears, I doubt that I'll make it to age 60. I'm 51 years old now. Of course I'm catastrophizing about the future. 

My friends all said that I'll live for another 30 years or so. 

I might as well enjoy the next and perhaps last few years or decades of my life playing apps such as Subway Princess Runner, Toon Math, Subway Runner, Crown Solitaire, Castle Solitaire, Paper Train, Brick Game Tetris, League of Quiz, Talking Tom Gold Run of which the seaside scene reminds me of Sidney BC and Clockwork Brain. Regular Solitaire and Monopoly Solitaire is good too. 

These are my desert island apps. 

If I only have a few years, I might as well enjoy it to the max and maybe I could do it through smoking pot again. I've quit for 6 months now. Would any of you think less of me if I fell off the wagon? Pot has a tendency to make you paranoid. Maybe it's better to be clean and sober at all times. The best way to live is to live clean and sober. 

Sunday, December 19, 2021

"No TV = No pandemic" 

The News can be a bastion of depression. The News can be a fount of anxiety. 

During the pandemic, its the best idea not to watch the News. The News is a vending machine of depression. Put in a quarter and get another shot of depression. Don't watch the News in order to save your mental health. The disease of the week pandemic is overblown and the News reports about it registers as a form of verbal abuse. Don't watch the News as a forum of compassion to yourself. Bad News sells. The News likes to make its living on other people's anxieties and depression. Don't watch the News for at least a few months. You'll feel better. 

Only someone who is masochistic would watch the News. 

I can get News about covid restrictions online every few days. Read it quickly once and that's it. The television News is a full scale long and drawn out audio visual production of covid which really rubs it in and is bound to cause depression and anxiety. I don't need a blow by blow coverage of covid 19. 

The News isn't all bad. I talked about finding advice possibly on the News about older role models and heroes. Two days ago, I stepped out of my room and returned just in time to see a News story about a hockey team made up of older women from age 50 to 65 and older. That's inspirational for someone who is old like me. 

Today, at Church I opened a prayer book quickly and the page it opened to was The Lord's Prayer. Great coincidence or sign. I have been saying The Lord's Prayer every day for weeks. 

Today at the Royal Bank of Fort and Douglas, a man was preaching loudly for 3 hours. It was epic. He was holding a large red cloth bound Bible. Someone in my building "How someone could find that much shit to spew from his mouth." The 1800s called. They want their street preaching back. 

Someone like that will one day either get thrown in the mental institution or get their own church to preach from. 

Working 7 days a week will burn you out. A person can get burnout that way. Even the 10 Commandments saw this commanding people to rest one day a week. 

I live in an awful town. I checked online. There are no doctors in this town of Victoria BC at all who are accepting new patients. I checked for Vancouver and there are a few doctors "Yes! Accepting new patients" it said. What a backwater town I live in. I had a GP in Dawson Creek. Moving to this backwater town was a mistake. I'm doomed. I think I should move back to Vancouver. The medical infrastructure there is more developed than it is in this town. What a dreadful town. Advice: Don't move to this town. 

There's animals in this town who have veterinarians but people who don't have a general practitioner doctor. What a bunk town. 

There are a few YouTube videos called secrets of Victoria BC. Why don't they include that you can't find a GP. That's a secret of Victoria BC. 

I probably got less than 20 years to go at most. At this point, why don't I smoke pot again? Otherwise what am I saving myself to be? Catholic? 

When it was illegal, I smoked it all the time. Now that it's legal I never smoke it. That doesn't make sense. 

I have to wait until I am fully healed of my anxiety disorder then I'll smoke it. 

My friend still has bursitis of the elbow a year later. Now with medical clinics etc compromised with the pandemic, it's difficult to find a doctor. What a life.  What future is there? 

If there turns out to be 200 strains of covid and they're finding a new strain every 6 months, that's covid for the next 100 years.

To be on the side of goodness, to be on the side of the light, stay alive for as long as you can.  Life is in the hands of God. 

Every internet article says the pandemic will end. 

Antibodies from vaccines wane, but they generate memory B cells and this lasts for decades . T cells also generated from the vaccines are unfazed by variants.*

*Source: The Washington Post. We won't eradicate covid. The pandemic will still end. 

Eventually the pandemic will become an endemic. Watching the News only makes the pandemic worse on a psychological level. If something about the pandemic is urgent and something I have to do, I usually get the news about it from people in my community. 

As a US security expert said after the Cold War was over, "The dragon has been slain but we are now left in a garden full of poisonous snakes."

That's the case with the pandemic. The pandemic might end but I will still have all my other problems. Clean my room, quit smoking, nutty people on the street like the mad preacher, etc There will always be problems because the critical faculty of the mind will always look for problems. I don't think that I will have a good future despite what Joel Osteen says. Don't expect a good future and I could be pleasantly surprised. Expect a good future and I could be disappointed. That's the school of thought I'm going with. 

Yesterday on Sunday December 19, someone wrote a comment on Douglas Bloch's live chat which he quickly removed. I never saw the comment. It was probably a mean comment. It was probably another delinquent loser. YouTube has a lot of comments from psychopath delinquent losers. Then you look at their channel and 'this channel has no videos'. People who can't create anything on their own often try to ruin the creations of others. I hate delinquent losers who would write a mean comment on Douglas Bloch's live chat. 

Update on my left nostril. I have hard snots. I pick them out using my fingernail and after some effort it has a hard rubbery texture. Now it has grown back and resembles the comb on top of a rooster. I think that I might die from this. I don't think I'll make it to 60. Tumors are often benign for a few years until one day it turns malignant. Nose cancers don't usually kil but sometimes the nose has to be removed and it's not pretty at all. It results in a huge most ugly hole in the middle of the face. So huge that you could see inside. My fear is that this could happen to me. If it does I will opt for medically assisted death. I hope that God heals me from this. Will he? Who knows. I need to see an ENT doctor. But these doctors need a referral first. But there are not GPs in this town accepting new patients. What a hell of a town. I'm sunk. I have to move back to Vancouver. Vancouver has doctors who accept new patients. 

There is hope. At one time Dawson Creek had no dentists. A person in Dawson Creek had to travel to Fort St John to see a dentist. One day, all of a sudden a dental clinic opened in Dawson Creek and it was not difficult to get an appointment. 

My girlfriend doesn't think that I will die from this and neither does my neighbour. 

I still look at granny porn all the time. It's been my fetish for decades. That's why I think that I'm sunk. I don't see that I have a good future. I've got no future because of this. I hope that I can find evidence to the contrary. 

Vaccine passport. The word passport is another example of government airheads grammatically appropriating a term from another genre. Like in the States. Three strikes you're out is a term from baseball. As if life was a baseball game. 

Another example is the word cartel. At one time or maybe even now, a group of 4 drug dealers could be charged with being a cartel. That's ridiculous. Drug lab - producer. Cartel - wholesale. Street gang - retail. A crtel being a wholesale operation would need a minimum personnel of about 50 people to cover the necessary division of labour involved in running a wholesale drug distribution sales operation. No way could 4 people be a cartel. More airhead government word definition and government airhead  nomenclature. For one thing, OPEC is a cartel. 

Passport used to mean something you needed to travel outside the country. Now it's used to mean something you need to travel from within a country. And not even necessarily. Until 2003 Canadians didn't need a passport to travel to the US. And even now people in countries in continental Europe, the EU countries don't need a passport to travel from one country to another but they need a vaccine so called passport to travel to certain places within the country. Using vaccine QR code cards is a very manipulative way to push people into getting a vaccine. Why do they need to use such methods to push people to get vaccinated? They want to turn people into GMOs; genetically modified organisms. Aldous Huxley, Brave New World. There is a genetic hidden tech with the vaccines. The vaccines have some weird CRISPR bullshit to fry your DNA to achieve some kind of genetic hegemony. The ingredients of the vaccine are proprietary, clandestine and classified and can't be made public for 50 years. That should tell you something. Sleazy and sneaky. 

Every booster shot is another genetic tweak to the DNA which is something that is very addictive to the government. 

Its too late for me but in the UK alone, there are 11.3 million people who have refused to get vaccinated. Good for them! 

I got vaccinated because I am willing to give the government the benefit of the doubt. 

If the vaccine fried my DNA, either its made me sterile and I could never have children now or else whatever children I would have had would be genetically modified or genetically compromised. 

I'm glad that I never had any children. What kind of world would await them? I don't believe in the human species. I don't trust the human species. It's a flawed and defective species including myself. 

innovativegenomics.org  CRISPR based enhancers of DNA vaccines for Covid 19. 

It's a thing. 

Question: How would an mRNA type vaccine affect someone's DNA? 

CRISPR technology in covid vaccines debunked. 

I already got vaccinated twice so it's too late for me. 

Besides at age 51, I only got about 20 years or so to live. If that. 

I think that the average lifespan of a person is about 70. 

Words can change their meaning over time. The word gay used to mean happy and carefree. Now the word means someone who is gay or else homosexual. The word meaning for passport is changing before our eyes. Thanks to whatever airheads in government who sat around a table one day and thought about what catchy name they could assign to the vaccine QR code card. "Vaccine QR code card, that names too long. Vaccine card, that sounds too prosaic. Why not call it vaccine passport to give it a snap? That has a nice ring to it." The name of vaccine passport is just as airhead and manipulative as the rest of the pandemic. 

The suffix port in the word passport is short for portfolio. A passport is a book of either 10 pages or 20 pages. How is a card or a QR code on a phone a portfolio?  More government airheadisms. What were the chances of that? 

The suffix port in the word passport does not mean door. How is a passport a door in the literal sense? Maybe in the figurative sense, it's a door to travel. And not even then, really. 

Covid-19 comes from China so it makes total sense that the strains are named after letters of the Greek alphabet instead of giving them Chinese names like strain Ching, strain Chong, strain Hieya etc. or else strain Yut, strain Yee, strain Sam, which are 1, 2, 3 in Cantonese or else strain Eee, strain Err, strain San etc which are of course 1, 2, 3 in Mandarin. 

The strains of Covid 19 weren't named strain A, strain B, strain C etc because the strains of the HIV virus or the Aids virus already has those names. 

The strains of Covid 19 weren't blamed strain 1, strain 2, strain 3 because the HPV virus or human papilloma virus already has those names. 

Let's give the strains of a virus that originated in China Greek names and let's call a card a passport which is all part of the garbled addled airhead nomenclature schemata which underscores the whole mishandled and incompetent energy behind this pandemic from the highest governmental levels. 

This is the same addled school of thought behind the misplaced nomenclature of the Spanish flu which didn't originate in Spain. It was in Spain that it was first reported though. It didn't originate in Spain, so let's call it the Spanish Flu. 

"I am a good judge of man. Mr Bond, you have what the Greeks call thrausos; guts!" For Your Eyes Only

Myself, I am neither for nor against the anti vaxxers. The vaccine might not be as dangerous as they say but I think that it's a little bit dangerous. I probably won't opt for the third booster shot. How many booster shots? 

Booster shots all the time turn us into a nation of junkies always needing that next needle shot. That's one step closer to actual heroin junkies. 

Shareholders in pharmaceutical companies like to see their shares rise in value so the idea is to keep the vaccines going. Unless its a walk in clinic, I won't have any more vaccines. Even then I don't care about having a vaccine passport. I don't need to go to a theatre to see a movie. I don't need to eat in a restaurant, takeout is good enough for me. I don't need to go to Church. And I don't see concerts or sports matches either. The vaccine card is a want, not a need. I am fine with getting my food only in grocery stores. 

While shutting down some businesses, pandemics make other businesses stronger and guess who sponsors the News? The News is a single point cultural narrative put on by a bunch of cliques. 

Their wording is sneaky. "Cases of Omicron have gone up 400% in a week." Last week there were 4 cases. Today there's 16. 

"A person who was 30 died of covid." while neglecting to mention that the person had a bunch of other health problems was admitted into the hospital for something else but since had covid in the system death is automatically listed as covid so the hospital could get their government subsidy for each person listed as having covid. Sneaky sneaky. 

The vaccine passport or not having one limits people from traveling overseas. Governments are so threatened with their citizens traveling to another country and liking it so much that they don't want to come back. Yet they like to invite people from other countries to visit their countries and stay. But they also don't like too much immigration. The vaccine passport is about making sure the right people get to travel abroad and or immigrate. 

This argument isn't true. Even a person on welfare if they have a vaccine passport can apply for a passport and travel overseas if they saved up enough money. Even retarded people in wheelchairs can travel to other countries along with their parents, relatives, friends or a medical team. 

Governments don't care. Every year, there is people moving to and moving away from any given country. 

Acts 23:5. Do not speak evil of a ruler of your people. 

You don't have to worry about me. I'll never travel to another country ever again. Even if I have $5,000 or more I'll never travel to Thailand ever again. I have anxiety disorder and my courage to travel has evaporated. Even if I were to get a whole ton of money, I still would be too overwhelmed to travel anywhere except Sidney BC and possibly Vancouver. That's it. I'm never going to London England as far as I can see. 

Unless things change, unless my anxiety goes away or can be reasonably managed, I can never travel overseas ever again. Ever. 

A person can get over phobias. When I was a child, I was once afraid of dogs. Now and for decades, I'm not afraid of dogs anymore. Maybe one day my recently acquired phobia of traveling overseas, and food anxieties and I decisions about whether to go to a restaurant or not will go away. 

The News and its scaremongering has worked in my case. I have major anxiety now. I think I might be brain damaged. I pick up garbage in the streets and throw it in the garbage can. Sometimes I take the garbage home with me to throw it in the garbage at home. A few times I have walked back to a place I previously saw garbage to pick that garbage up and throw it in the garbage can. I'm sunk. I'm a lost person. I'm damaged goods and most probably mentally ill. Although my greatest wish is to be 100% normal. 

Anti vaxxer protest might be put on by some elements of the government. Governments are factional. Some factions of the government want the pandemic to end. 

When the pandemic ends they can say that public pressure made them do it. 

The mainstream elements of the government want to keep it going because to end it too soon might make them lose face or make it look like they've made a mistake. Keeping it going longer makes it look less obvious that the whole thing was mismanaged and a mistake. 

"You can pay a doctor to say anything." William S Burroughs

Dr Bonnie Henry when asked why the Police aren't required to be vaccinated, she said, "The Police decide for themselves what health measures they'll use."

Instead of saying either, "Because it's a bullshit pandemic to begin with." or "I'll have to talk with them."

She did say about the medical industry, "If you don't get vaccinated, you should find another profession."

She's afraid of the Police. But who isn't? Everybody is afraid of the Police and rightly so. I wouldn't blame her for saying that. If the Police are angry at you, they can really fuck you up. I'm afraid of the Police too. I wouldn't want them to be angry at me. 

This double standard makes it difficult to take the pandemic seriously. 

Tuesday, December 21

Today, even in the shortest day of the year, even in the pit and in the doldrums, Thank God for the gift of life. 

I am still struggling with anxiety. But it is anxiety about things that no one else would have anxiety about. 

One day I'll be back in the saddle again. Or will I? For years I've had anxiety although unacknowledged as such. It was thought of as a discomfort that made me think of giving up on life. Life must be held on to. There are good friends and one never knows what good and wonderful surprises the future is sure to hold. 

I get anxiety about the littlest decisions. I'll manage. I'll get over it one day. My confidence and zest for life will be restored. 

I don't want to be a religious nut but thank God for the gift of life. 

The lyrics of the Gloria Estefan song Get On Your Feet is inspiring. 

Today I went on a walk to the beach and Ogden Point. 

If I could do that on the shortest day of the year, I should be able to handle the rest of the year. 

My mental illness has deteriorated. I resolved not to pick up any garbage. On more than a dozen incidents did I pick up garbage. I put a lot of he garbage in my pocket only to throw it away in the garbage can at home. Then I fished the garbage out of my rooms garbage can and transferred it to and threw it in the garbage can of the washroom down the hall. 

I even picked up a couple of autumn leaves and threw them in piles of other leaves. I'm crazy. Mentally ill. Is there a cure? I doubt it. I'll just have to try harder not to do it next time.  I regret my mental illness. 

Hopefully this is just a phase I'm going through. A crazy guy lives down the hall all quirky and jerky. I think I'm mimicking or imitating him. Sometimes a person can all of a sudden mimic someone else for no reason. 

If the Police want to talk to me about this mental illness, that's something that I can accept. 

Garbage is full of germs. Maybe I shouldn't do it anymore. Germs on hands can cause diseases. 

Thank God for the gift of life. Today's walk to the beach and Ogden Point was an unexpected surprise that I didn't know about this morning. 

I haven't watched many if any movies on my blu ray player for months. I mainly watch movies at the theater. I have 2 blu ray players. One for YouTube and Tubi and the other for movies on DVD or blu ray. I mainly you the one for YouTube and don't often feel like hooking up the other one used for DVD movies. Perhaps one day I will feel like watching DVD movies again. Another phase I'm going through. I mainly watch YouTube and regular cable television. 

Wednesday, December 22

Thank God for the gift of life. 

No one reads my blog. I don't have a University degree. 

The most intense blog would be written by a University student with a Masters Degree in medical sciences or a professor of medical sciences who decided not to get vaccinated. They know what's going on. They can get into the specifics of CRISPR and the genetic hidden tech of the covid vaccines. 

There people with University degrees who believe that the World was created in 7 days and who believe in Adam and Eve. 

There are people with University degrees who refuse to get vaccinated and there are people with University degrees who have gotten fully vaccinated. What does that tell you about University degrees? 

"Man up! Take your face nappies off!" UK anti vaxxer sign 

I wear my mask because it's cosplay. Also during the winter the mask is just as good as a scarf to prevent me from breathing in cold air as I have slight asthma. 

CNBC News:

WHO says vaccine booster programs will prolong Covid crisis: ‘No country can boost its way out of the pandemic’

PUBLISHED WED, DEC 22 2021 11:01 AM EST

"Blanket booster programs are likely to prolong the pandemic, rather than ending it, by diverting supply to countries that already have high levels of vaccination coverage, giving the virus more opportunity to spread and mutate,” WHO Director-General Tedros Adhanom Ghebreyesus said during a news briefing.

Israel announced Tuesday that people over 60 will be offered a fourth booster shot. When is enough enough? Booster junkies. 

Millions of unvaxed will take their chances. Eventually there will be a huge vaccine disparity. Some will have had ten even eventually 20 booster shots while millions of others will have had absolutely none. 

Unless there is a scientific breakthrough, the pandemic will go on forever. I turned out to be lucky that I didn't have any children. What kind of world would they grow up in to say nothing of grandchildren. 

Don't give up. Even in the darkest hour, there is always some hope. No darkness can extinguish the light. Life is full of surprises. Scientific breakthroughs in the plural. There will be a solution even if it doesn't appear soon. Eventually there will be found a way out of this. In every crisis there is some fear mongering. In World War 1, people thought the World would end then. Life always finds a way. Stay strong. Stay safe. 

Today, a coincidence. I saw my very sweet friend Suzie. It was a miracle! I went out to get some Guinness beer for Christmas Eve and also to get some East Indian food. Then I saw her on the street! My sweet friend! 

I love her. I love her even though I have doubts that she will ever be my girlfriend. 

However I have a plan B. In the next ten years I could meet a lady who I haven't met yet who is even better. And I'd be moving back to Vancouver then. 

I shouldn't lose faith, though. You never know what the future will bring. 

I'm glad I didn't do myself in during times past or even last night when the News of covid seemed really dark. Yeah, right, as if I would do something like that. But if I did, I would've never seen my sweet friend on the street this morning. 

I asked God to show me a sign that he exists and this would be it. If me and my sweet friend ever become more than friends, I would be willing to convert to Catholicism to be closer to her. I'd have to do the RCIA to become a Catholic. Rite of Christian Initiation of Adults. 

Seeing my sweet friend today is this year's Christmas miracle. 

All morning I've been saying, "Oh Suzie! Oh Suzie! Oh Suzie!" etc

I haven't been like this for so long. In times past I've said, "Oh Emma! Oh Emma! Oh Emma!" etc about another lady. Love is sweet. Seeing a love is a sign that life is worth living and to never give up. You never know what life will bring. Even in the midst of a pandemic I encountered a loving sign of life's true sweet wonder. Thank God and Thank the forces of life. 

I didn't really use names because Suzie has another name which she uses. I do love her. Love makes me feel alive. 

Today is one of the best days I have ever had because I saw my sweet friend. 

Factoid: Emily Carr didn't become a famous artist until she was 57 years old. 

George Washington, Thomas Jefferson and James Madison became American Presidents when they were 57 years old. 

The app Beatfind song finder is amazing. 

I used it for the Mr Darcy Staring Obsessively At His Future Wife For 6 Minutes video on YouTube. It did indeed find that the song played during one segment was Staring by Tipling Rock. It found the song in seconds. 

Absolutely amazing technology. 

I heard that Spotify does that too but I never used it. 

What and who was the genius behind inventing that? 

I saw The King's Man. It was a fictionalized version of a non fiction event which was World history in the 1910s. 

I don't think World history happened as depicted in this movie. It was very entertaining, not one boring moment. Some scenes were true to history. Others were just made up. It was worth seeing. Good cinematography. Good fight scenes. 

After the pandemic is over, of those who were managing and spearheading pandemic operations, some of them will be imprisoned, some will be given awards, advancements and promotion, and some will have absolutely nothing happen to them. 

After World War One, at the Treaty of Versailles, some faced a war crimes tribunal and were sentenced, some were given medals while others had nothing happen to them. 

After World War 2, some faced a war crimes tribunal at the Nuremberg Trials, some were invited to the American Operation Paperclip program and others had nothing happen to them. 

It's human psychology to have scapegoats, heroes and overlooked forgotten others. This happens on an individual personal level and this also happens on a collective National even International level. 

The U curve of life. In one's 20s, one is very happy. Then the happiness decreases year after year until around age 50 give or take a few years. One doesn't just hit a dip then, one hits rock bottom resulting in the worst burnout and depression imaginable as there are chemical changes in the body. Mid life crisis. Then months later, one begins to noticeably snap out of it. One gets happier and happier, more calm, less anxious, less depressed. At 70, one is as happy as they were when they were 20. At age 80, one is much happier than they were at 20. That's if one lives that long. 

Friday, December 24 Christmas Eve

I saw Suzie again today! I love her a lot as a friend. I don't put expectations on people so I don't expect to be anything more than to be friends with her. I have had a few dreams about her. Admittedly, I don't know her very well. Sometimes when you know someone better, it doesn't turn out the way you expect. I am lucky to have met her in this life. 

Looking at the News on the Google News feed, there is a lot of covid cases. I've grown desensitized to that News. The vast majority of cases are mild or asymptomatic. One day the pandemic will end. Maybe sooner than we all think. Otherwise life is just barely worth living. I still thank God for the gift of life. 

I might get a Concetta Bertoldi book on Google Books.  Sometimes her readings apply to all people. She said to someone in a YouTube IANDS video, "Don't worry. You worry too much!" This applies to me! 

Saturday, December 25 Christmas

Worries. What else is new? 

I've given away an old tablet that I never used as a Christmas present. I did a factory reset on it. Unfortunately, I forgot to remove the memory card first. Now all the pictures on the memory card are deleted. It wasn't important pictures and I just about never looked at them. Still, I'm a worrier and often obsess about trivial things. I could use a data recovery program like Recuva. I'd need to get a memory card reader to connect to a PC. I'd just recover the data and never look at it again. That's hoarder behaviour. I've lost memory cards before. I hope I get over this worry and eventually I will. It's just worry in general. Why do I worry so much? "Don't worry. You worry too much." is the classic advice. 

Today was one of the worst experiences at McDonald's I have ever had. Christmas day and lots of places are short staffed including McDonald's. I was lining up and two customers almost butted in line in front of me. They got behind me in line. One was standing real close to me. The other one was yelling for other customers to get in line. He was yelling something about Chinese and East Indians. And he was swinging a weird chain. Another nutty person in this nutty town. What are the chances? This town is saturated with nutty people. The cashier took her time serving the person in two places in line in front of me. I left after ten minutes. 

Incredibly and against my better judgement, I went there a second time today. The cashier and also manager really took her time. She was preparing a lot of drinks. She took about 20 minutes. I asked her about it and she said that they are short-staffed and there was a lot of drink orders. I ordered two coffees. She seemed a little bit rude to me although she was polite to other customers. I wondered if she hated me for some reason. When the coffees arrived this time a short time later, a short East Indian female employee handed me the coffees. I asked her for a tray. She said "Huh?!" very rudely and obnoxiously. But I did get the tray. What did I do to them to get that treatment? 

If they hated me that much, they could have and would have asked me to leave without serving me or else they would have called the Police on me. But they didn't. So it wasn't bad to that level. 

Reading quora, lots of people had bad experiences at McDonald's of different locations. From waiting 45 minutes for 2 coffees to getting food 40 minutes later that was undercooked and soggy. There are lots and lots of bad experience at McDonald's stories on quora. 

I don't know if I want to go to that McDonald's location again for awhile. I'll go elsewhere. 

Not a lot but a few times at different restaurants I had bad experiences involving having to wait a long time for service. Today was one of them. 

There are tons of stories on quora about people waiting 45 minutes before they got a waitress to come to their table. I've heard a few of these stories personally from people I have talked to about their bad experiences at restaurants. 

At this McDonald's location, I very often to the point of profoundly often see nutty people there. One was leaning back on a chair seated at a table and mumbling loudly. At one point, he said "Motherfucker." quite loudly. 

Nutty people are in every town. That's one thing I learned as a traveler who has lived in several towns. That's a disincentive to traveling. 

The YouTube video Streets of Plenty has a scene where a crazy guy wearing a motorcycle helmet and in a wheelchair was banging on the door with his fists in a McDonald's in downtown Vancouver. He's probably dead now as he was quite old and this was filmed in 2009. 

I also want to point out that this location of McDonald's was where I have also had some of the best McDonald's experiences I have ever had. Some female employees there are sweet towards me. They weren't there today on this occasion. 

McDonald's doesn't have to give good customer service but they do, for the most part. 

First of all, a person doesn't have to give tips at McDonald's. 

Secondly, McDonald's isn't so much of a restaurant franchisee as it is a real estate holdings corporation. 

If someone works at the Complaints Department of a Department Store, every day is a bad day guaranteed to have quite a few nutty people. 

Anxiety is a journey, not a destination. 

Anawar Marsolan on YouTube said that anxiety is a superpower that causes you to ask what in your life needs attention and what in your life needs to be addressed? Clean your room, travel more, eat more or eat less, etc. 

Anxiety is trying to tell you something. It is your body speaking to you. 

Anxiety may be telling you not to do certain things like don't smoke, don't work too long without a break and don't stay indoors too long without going for a walk. Anxiety may be telling you not to think certain things like don't worry about trivial things, don't think thoughts of despair or think of giving up and instead think of thanking God for the gift of life and think of being grateful for the blessings that you have. 

Anxiety is not an enemy. Anxiety is a friend that tells you that something that you are doing or thinking is not right. You have to figure out what that is. Anxiety is never a problem in itself but is always a corollary to some other problem even if it's anxiety about having anxiety or even having anxiety about not having anxiety. 

Sunday, December  26, boxing day

The pandemic isn't about herd immunity. It's about thinning the herd. 

I was at a line up yesterday at a Christmas food line. The person behind me was saying the most awful things about the pandemic. 

He said, "The vaccines have been tried before in Rwanda. It made everyone crazy and everyone killed each other. The way they're pushing the vaccines is beyond criminal. No one will get prosecuted for this. 

The government forcing businesses to close so they can borrow money off the government and pay massive interest on that. The food shortages will lead to war." Another person said," People will die in their 50s." 

After hearing all that, I regret that my parents gave me birth. What am I doing being alive? 

My girlfriend said," He doesn't know the truth." If he was so smart, what's he doing in a Christmas food line? Indeed if I'm so smart, what am I doing there? 

I thought of just giving up on life. I won't end my life with an overdose but sometimes the thoughts are there. They are just merely thoughts. I am 51 years old. If I was to die in my 50s, I don't see that I have much of a future anyways. Any future I have involves poverty and loneliness. Even if I had a lot of money, I wouldn't know what to do with it.. I try to live a life of minimalism. Too much money is too overwhelming. I could move and start over if I had a lot of money. I'd try to rent a place in Vancouver's West side. Or move to Sidney BC. There isn't much to do in Sidney BC except rdie the bus to Victoria BC. 

One day, life will show me an event or experience that will make me glad that I didn't end my life. God and life are like that. 

There is God because we have intelligence and consciousness. Therefore intelligence and consciousness exist. The Universe is very ordered. And something is behind the Universe. Although the order is leaning towards entropy. Increasing disorder. You can see it in society. More and more people. More and more homeless. More and more changes on the computer to keep track of. I don't know if I could handle it. 

To a person born in 1870, the 1920s must have been bewildering. 

I was born in the 1970s and the 2020s are bewildering. Accelerating change. I don't know if I have the strength to live the rest of my life. 

Thank God for the gift of life. 

But what kind of life? How much longer can I last? What is my ending or death going to look like? Maintaining faith is difficult in the prevailing odds against me. I was in over my head when I was born. I'm glad that I didn't bring any children into this World, a World of struggle, depression and anxiety which everyone feels at one time or another. The happy moments are brief. It's mainly depression and anxiety. 

I hope that if God and life don't have a use for me that my end comes quickly, swiftly and without much if any pain. I have a good conscience. I can accept the end. What would I be living for? My youth is over. 

Why am I even alive? What's my incentive? What's my motivation? 

I learned the flowing quote from a Concetta Bertoldi book, Inside The Other Side. 

“Death is not extinguishing the light; it is only putting out the lamp because the dawn has come.”

― Rabindranath Tagore

Monday December 27, 

That's the essence of clarity. No feelings are random and arbitrary. God designed all of them for a reason. Fear, depression, anxiety and paranoia tell you that there's something you are doing or thinking that you should not be. Whether it's worrying too much about trivial things or that you are in some town that you really in your heart of hearts don't want to be in. And that you should move to the town of your hearts desire. Any town that makes your heart sing when you see it on the internet, you should move there. 

"Listen to the pain. It’s both history teacher and fortune teller. Pain teaches us who we are, Wade. Sometimes, it’s so bad, we feel like we’re dying. But we can’t really live till we’ve died a little, can we?" Deadpool 

Happiness and joy tell you that you are definitely doing something right. And that you are in a town that you actually really want to be in. 

Anger. Depression, fear and anxiety is anger turned inwards. Anger is depression, fear and anxiety turned outwards. It's telling you the same thing. There is something you're doing or thinking that you should not be or don't want to be. 

All feelings are telling you something or else trying to tell you something. Figure out what it is. 

A ruling stone gathers no moss. This means that if you travel from town to town, you will never get married or have any children or even have any close friends. 

However in my case I'm 51 and never have gotten married and don't care to ever get married. 

At my age I don't care anymore if I gather any moss or not. 

I listen to music and look at pictures of Vancouver and I want to be there again. Vancouver has a familiar vibe that I know. Dawson Creek as well. I have lots of dreams of Van and DC. Hardly any dreams of this town which means that my soul doesn't really want to be here, I would rather be in other towns. 

I am not perfect. 

I haven't watched the News in over a week and I feel better. 

The News gives additional worries in case there wasn't enough to worry about in a person's personal life. The News gives people extraneous vicarious gratituous worries on a Provincial and National and international level too. These are problems that you can't do anything about except worry about it. 

I live in one town in a Province but the News has to tell me about problems and statistics in the rest of the province and the country and the World too. 

NEWS stand for Never Ending Worry Stream or Never Ending Worry Slurry. Never Ending Worrying Shit, Never Ending Worrying Story. Never Ending Story. The News can give an anxiety disorder or else exacerbate an existing  anxiety disorder. Watching the News is damaging to the psyche. 

100% of all statistics are bullshit. The News and its bullshit statistics. 

Listening to music is uplifting. 

Watching the News is depressing. 

All sound and fury signifying nothing. 

Ha ha. It's too bad that the pandemic health measures don't include the provision that those who are unvaccinated can't watch the News replete with covid updates which really wouldn't at all be any kind of incentive to get the vaccine. 

Listening to music all day is uplifting. Watching the News all day is a downer, it's a buzz kill. 

Try watching the News with its flotsam and jetsam stream of lurid turgid turbid salacious bullshit information which is supposed to pass as News stories all day for a few days and then try listening to music all day for a few days and notice the difference. There's no comparison. The News is a constant filthy shift slurry of depressing information. And the News is racist even to White people. If a White person does good, they're referred to as White. If a White person does something bad, they're referred to as Caucasian and people only hear the last two syllables, - Asian. Which must be disconcerting to White people, like they have a split personality, in good times they're White, but in bad times they're Cock-Asian. In other words, Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. That's the fucking News fer ya. The News is a double edged sword that cuts all races non-white and White alike. 

Curious that the phrase is always White Supremacist and not Caucasian Supremacist. That should give you a clue. 

NEWS = Never Ending White Supremacy, Never Ending White Shit

I plan not to watch the News anymore for life. 

I'd avoid watching News about covid like the plague. 

"Culture is not your friend." Terence McKenna

Fuck the News. Forever. 

The James Webb space telescope launched on December 25 2021 and is on its way to its relay station in space, being the L2 point or the Lagrange Point. It is expected to take 29 days to get there. Soon there will be new discoveries about the Universe some disturbing and scary. 

Some people think the JWST will find an alien civilization. I think that alien  civilization will be just as defective and problem ridden as ours. Problems are Universal. 

The JWST is so sensitive that it can see a planet facing away from its sun, the night side and can detect any artificial light meaning the presence of an alien civilization. The concensus guess is Proxima B and that there might be an alien civilization there. 

The JWST could possibly detect a Dyson sphere if they exist. 

The JWST will only be operant for five years but that would be enough time for it to do what it has to do. 

This telescope will I presume collect two levels of information. One level is classified secrets to high level scientists. The other is whatever the rest of the information that will be dispensed to the public. 

That other planets exist outside the solar system was at first only disclosed to the public in the late 90s. However since the days of Star Trek in the 60s, what was passed off as fiction then, other planets outside the solar system was a classified scientific secret that scientists in the 60s and even before the 60s knew about. 

If the JWST found signs of alien life, such information would be suppressed. 

"We didn't see anything." NASA would say. There are lots of grounds for plausible deniability. People tend to not want to believe in aliens of an advanced civilization. It would be too scary. Also NASA could say that what they saw was asteroid dust on the lens reflecting sunlight and not lights on a distant planet. It may be that the Vatican controls NASA in terms of what information is disclosed to the public. If advanced alien life was discovered, would the Bible have to be rewritten or could someone comb the Bible for a verse that infers advanced alien life? Ezekiel's wheel could actually be a description of a UFO. That's an old belief that's been around for years. 

The JWST will be a million miles from Earth. Maxwell's equation 

c = 1/(e0m0)1/2 = 2.998 X 108m/s or 186,000 miles a second, radio waves travel at the same speed as light since both are electromagnetic waves, so it will take 6 seconds for a radio signal from the JWST to reach Earth. Not exactly a live signal, a signal with a 6 second delay. 

Vancouver is the town that I really want to be in. I wasted enough time in this town. One way I will get to Vancouver is to take the midnight express which means - escape! Leave this hotel one day with no notice. Hop on the bus and go. 

Vancouver is the happy place I go to in my mind when I listen to music. This town is a whatever place when I listen to music. I don't really care about this town. This town gave me burnout. 

All towns are a trap. There is no good town. 

I saw the movie Last Night in Soho. It showed London as a very dangerous place. I don't know if I want to go there. 

"London can be overwhelming." I think that Victoria BC is overwhelming. How could I be able to handle London. I doubt I'm ever going to London. 

Thursday, December 30

The movie Don't Look Up is about an asteroid about to hit the Earth. 

The words Don't Look Up means something different to me. To me it means that if there is anybody I don't like from the past, I don't look them up on the internet. The result is bound to be disappointing. Delusions of reference being what they are, I often think that they are taking a swipe at me just in case I look. The internet makes it easier to bring people closer together and because of this, if I don't look them up, ever, then it's a much bigger snub. Don't Look Up on the internet the people from the past whom you don't like. Let sleeping dogs lie. Let the dead bury their dead. 

May be worst of next year be better than the best of this year. 

I smoked a bit of pot again. It always seems to bring back the same earth shaking fear and anxiety. It's better to not smoke it. 

December 31, 2021

I end this year scared, very very scared. What has defined this year is working for my handicapped girlfriend. I feel that I can't quit because of guilt and to a great extent because of my love for her. Most jobs can be quit without guilt or love. I feel guilty if I quit working for her that she will decline in health. 

I drove myself to work for her. It's also myself that I fear, that I can't stop working for her. Voluntold, just like the military, as a YouTube comment said somewhere. She has paid me money quite a few times. I am indifferent to the money and would rather have had no money from her and no work for her. 

I am afraid that next year will be another year of work. 

I don't know if I have the strength to handle the future. I am surprised that I am still alive and that I didn't die in my sleep. 

I still thank God for the gift of life and I thank God for this beautiful day. 

I still fear the future and I fear growing ever older. 

I fear that the work for my handicapped girlfriend will never stop. I fear of this past year which has had my peace of mind destroyed with compulsive volunteering to work for a handicapped person. 

I can't drink alcohol tonight to celebrate the past year nor to ring in the new year since I am afraid of either. 

The first six months of this year was sheer hell. Work, overwork 7 days a week to the point of burnout. I don't mind doing a favor for someone once in awhile but this is hundreds of favors a month. She takes advantage of my kindness. Destroying my future one month at a time. Each month a field to cross, a field full of work. It still kind of is unless I quit. I don't know if I can really quit which is what makes me scared. 

In the first half of this year I learned about ants and the YouTube channel AntsCanada. 

The second half of the year saw a huge drop off of work. I still work but not nearly as much. That the medical industry didn't move her to assisted living, they failed her and they failed me. I spent the latter half of 2021 in burnout. 

Extreme fear, extreme depression, extreme anxiety to levels never before experienced. This caused me to research depression. I learned about the HPA axis and the catecholamines epinephrine ad norepinephrine. 

I learned about the mind-gut axis and about probiotics and prebiotics.

I quit smoking pot after years if not decades of smoking. The pot made me way too paranoid. Still does. 

I discovered Douglas Bloch on YouTube. I also discovered Pastor Joel Osteen and I discovered Arslan Monawar on YouTube. 

Sadhguru's advice was very helpful. 

I discovered Jean Claude Van Couver on YouTube. 

I discovered Dr Stephen St John on YouTube. 

I walked to Dallas Road Beach a lot this second half of the year. 

The second half of this year saw movie theaters, Churches and restaurants opened up and I went to those places a lot. 

I discovered the James Bay Inn which led me to learn about Emily Carr. 

I went to Imax Silvercity for the first time. 

I also went to the Star Cinema in Sidney for the first time. The second half of this year was way better than I thought it would be at the end of June. 

Today I am in shock and burnout and fear due to my OCD regarding working for my handicapped girlfriend Heather. 

I am so afraid of next year and also the future in general. 

The pandemic seems to never end. More fear. 

Happy New Year. 

Thank God for the gift of life. 

Soon, it will be 2022. Before 0 AD years were reckoned in regnal years, for eg the 5th year of the reign of Tiberius etc. Roman also used AUC or Ab Urbe Condita or else years since the founding of Rome. This system is still used in Japan. 

A YouTube video from In A Nutshell, A New Case For Humanity suggests that since Gobleki Tepi in Turkey was built around 10,000 BC, that we might refer to the year 2022 as the year 12,017. No more will 80% of time period of the human epoch or the Holocene era be relegated to negative numbers. 

I called a friend who is in town using a pay phone. I only brought 4 quarters with me. I didn't realize that it was only 1 minute per 50 cents so it was a short call. I am wondering if I use a long distance phone card like CiCi phone card which is $5 for 200 minutes, $10 for 400 minutes and $20 for 800 minutes if used in Canada do I also have to pay the usual 50 cents per minute that is usual on a pay-phone? 

I will be prepared. I will get a $5 phone card and put in 50¢. Then I will call the phone card number and enter the Pin number. Then I will call the number I am to call. If the payphone asks for money for additional minutes, then I will have it.

I am guessing $5 plus taxes is about $5.60. Then 50¢ for the initial call plus $5 in coins if the payphone asks for additional money to extend the call, that'd be about $11.10 for a ten minute phone call anywhere in Canada. 

Or I could call the operator to make a collect call and then ask my friend how much was the call and then reimburse my friend the money through sending a letter. Of course I could only make one phone call every month or else every two months. 

There is also Skype with a pay option that calls to landlines. I'm scared of Skype because Skype is known to have scammers calling Skype to scam people. Just don't pick up or reply to any people or phone numbers I don't know. 

I could get a cell phone for $100 and a $25 month phone plan that includes unlimited long distance calls within Canada but scammers are known to call cell phone numbers. My friend who has a cell phone says he had scammers call him. He just hangs up or else ignores or blocks them. One trick is to tell the scammers that you don't have or ever ever have used a computer. They need a computer to complete a lot of the scams. 

If I remove the battery on a cell phone and only put in a battery when I need to make a call, could scammers call my cell phone then? 

My other fear is what if scammers call me in the middle of another call with the call waiting feature? Maybe call waiting can be disabled in settings. 

I am scared of getting a cell phone as in other towns I lived in, the Police have called me on the cell phone. But not often. This argument is irrelevant and redundant as the Police know where I live and could visit me any time at a minutes notice if they wanted to. Not having a cell phone does not mean that the Police could not get a hold of me. As far as I am concerned, the Police can contact me any time for any reason. 

After calling my friend on the pay phone, I saw a black truck with a strange antennae. I thought it was the Police monitoring my call. But why would they? It was a short call and a call about a normal conversation. A quick hello, how are you doing and happy new year. 

Then I went to a light display near where I made the call and saw a couple of Police Officers there. However they seemed to just about ignore me. One walked past me and ignored me. I looked at him for a second as I was walking in case he was after me. Nothing, he just walked past me. 

I have an overactive imagination and often wonder if the Police are wanting to bust me. For what? I don't know. You tell me and we'll both know. 

I thought of using a phone to also call some Vancouver rooming houses to find out what the monthly, weekly and daily rents are and if there are any vacancies in case I want to move to Vancouver. 

I still fear the next year and fear the work work work that I might have to wind up doing for my handicapped girlfriend. I am trying to cut down on the work. Too much work can give me burnout. 

Happy New Year.