May 2022

Sunday, May 1, 2022

Honour life. To honour life is to honour God.

Life can seem scary especially when you get up in the morning. But a lot of it is in your mind. I'm not perfect. I have issues. The thing is to press forward no matter what. "Always stay on the sunny side of life." 

There are edgy people, but always remember the people who smiled at you when walking down the street although the tendency is to ruminate on the edgy people. 

When I walked down the street on this day, I saw an old lesbian who used to live at my hotel. Someone told me she is a lesbian and she is mean. If I walked down the street I usually walk or walked down a different street, I wouldn't have seen her. But I had to walk down that street. 

As I walked, I saw her just ahead of me. She was smoking a cigarette and looked behind to see me. I am somewhat afraid of her so I didn't look in her direction. 

Then a guy approached her that she knew. She talked to him. 

As soon as I walked past them, she said, "What a dumbass." I thought she was referring to me and she could have been. The guy asked her, "Who's a dumbass?" She said, "Robert." That's all I heard of the conversation. 

But what she said resonated. In a lot of ways I'm not very smart. Maybe she was referring to me having a girlfriend who isn't the prettiest and that I could have had a prettier girlfriend. Or that I allow or force myself to work for my handicapped girlfriend when I could just quit at any time. I ruminated on that for quite awhile. 

Joyce Meyer said something like, "Meditate on God. You already know how to meditate. You've ruminate on the negative. Meditation is to ruminate on verses in the Bible that tell you that God loves you and is always with you."

Someone else said about a different situation, "Don't assume. You know what they say about assume. To assume is to make an ass out of you and me. She probably wasn't talking about you."

I am somewhat certain that someone will kill me one of these days. I made too many weird mistakes. Perhaps I've offended the Gods. On one end, either the Police will arrest me or else gangs will kill me. A lot of Hollywood movies or else News stories are about one or the other. 

But there are people on the streets who are a lot crazier than me. They haven't been arrested. And gangs didn't kill them. 

I'm very scared to talk about gangs. But there are TV shows and YouTube videos that talk about them. The ones responsible for making the TV shows and YouTube videos weren't scared to do the TV shows or make the YouTube videos. Universities even teach about gangs in a course called criminology. There is a criminology section in the Library although I wouldn't go there. 

Gangs have another side. In their own way, they protect the neighborhood. I read of a story that they once stole Mr Rogers' car. Once the gangs realized it was Mr Rogers' car, they returned it to him with an apology. They respect Mr Rogers. Like all other things, gangs are an archetype. 

Monday, May 2, 2022

Another day. Every day has its worries and fear but despite that I always seem to make it through another day. There is no reward for making it through another slightly scary and edgy or else boring and repetitive day. The only reward I get is another day just as edgy and scary and boring and repetitive. After a long time, things change. Perhaps a new scene, moving to a new place or else moving to another city altogether just to get another scene with its own set of problems and worries. 

Even if I was rich and had my dreams come true. 

There are some people who are living the life I dream of and those people still have depression and anxieties and worries. The life I dream of is to live in a rich neighborhood either in this town or in Vancouver and to have an 80s BMW. I don't care that much about the BMW actually. Any car is another set of worries in itself. But a lot of if not all rich people also have problems and experience depression and fears. 

To have an 80s BMW in the 2020s, prorated, that's like Archie in the 1960s driving around a 1920s jalopy. 80s BMW is an old fantasy. 

There are car shows where people are still owning old cars from the 20s and 30s so maybe it's not that weird for me to want an 80s BMW. But how expensive would the parts be for an 80s BMW? 

I dreamed of going to Vancouver and last week I did. But that trip was somewhat edgy. It's the details that get you. People I talked to. Other people I could have talked to but didn't. Either way, whether I talked to them or didn't, it would have been edgy. For example there were a few ladies I seen a few times. I saw them at the ferry terminal, they were next to me. When I arrived in Vancouver going up the escalator to Granville street, I saw them there too but didn't say hi to them. They were young ladies. I thought that to say hi would have been inappropriate. They might have thought I was hitting on them so I didn't talk to them. However I did notice a guy who was sitting behind me on the ferry. Afterwards he sat next to me on the bus. I said, "Hi, I noticed you sitting behind me on the ferry." He said, "Awesome." Awhile later, I said, "Have a nice day." as we were leaving the bus to get on the Skytrain at Bridgeport station. 

I could have said to the ladies, "Remember me? I saw you before at the ferry terminal." But I didn't. But they didn't say hi to me either. At my age, I still am shy towards ladies and these ladies were very young. They were probably 20 years old and I'm 51, almost 52 years old. 

Traveling is full of these edgy tiny details. Another detail is when I was at the cheese shop, I saw Island Brie. I didn't get it but later wondered if I should have gotten it. I get hung up on details. That's a never ending game. Even if I got it I might have noticed yet something else I could have gotten but didn't. It's a silly game. This thing, that thing, one more thing, one less thing, what's the difference? 

I am still ashamed of myself that I smoke tobacco. I haven't been able to quit. A lady once told me to not best myself up for smoking. One day I'll quit but if not, at least I'm not into something worse. 

Pastor Joel said, "God is always with you. You haven't made too many mistakes for God to give up on you. You haven't missed your chance for God to give you a better future." He has a good heart but I don't know about a better future. From experience, each scene I go to has its own set of problems and issues. 

Dr Harry Barry who is a doctor of depression said, "Anxiety is uncomfortable not dangerous." He talked about just accepting anxiety and that it usually passes when you don't try to fight it. He says other things. He is a good doctor. 

Life can be very scary. Life is also an adventure and a learning experience. I'm glad I never became a parent. I wouldn't want to bring anyone into this stressful edgy scary world full of problems. The future is uncertain. YouTube videos say that the future will be better although from experience there is no better future. One only moves from one scene to another each scene no less scary and edgy and problem ridden as the last scene. 

I don't know if there is really a heaven. Perhaps it's a Universal law that there are no absolutes. One can't know light without knowing the dark. But perhaps also, the afterlife operates under an entirely different set of physics. 

Maybe heaven is a concept made to assuage fears and that religion is a money making industry. But in moments of extreme duress that most people haven't even experienced yet, they will find out how real religion has been all along and that there is God. I believe that. 

I don't know why women like men. Men get them pregnant and being pregnant is a major medical issue that could lead to all kinds of problems. 

Men don't go through any medical issues on that level. Nor could they. 

I would advise any woman not to get pregnant. Even if the species doesn't continue. I'm pretty sure I'm getting swindled off of my royalties on YouTube and here on blogger too. That's a product of the human species. But even if I were to get a lot of money for my work, I would still have a scene that has its problems and issues. Jim Carey said something like, "I wish everyone got everything they wanted and dreamed of. So they could see that it's not the answer."

Material things are not the answer. Faith in God and Jesus or else whatever religion you believe in is the answer. Jesus said, even if you had faith the size of a mustard seed. You don't need a lot of faith although a lot of faith would be optimum. 

Holland Point Park, Victoria BC

Holland Point Park in Victoria BC really reminds me of Vanier Park in Vancouver. 

Vanier Park, Vancouver BC. 

The last two pictures are ones that I took.

When I lose something in my room and I want to find it, I pray to St Anthony like Catholics do to help me find it. On quite a few occasions, it worked. 

Speaking of Holland Point Park, I saw a movie starring Tom Holland and Daisy Ridley called Chaos Walking. It is a strange sci fi movie set in the year 2257 AD where men's thoughts could be heard but women's thoughts could not. It is a very good movie. 

Time has no meaning when you consider that a person has a near death experience and has a life review that involves every moment of their life so far, it is as though years and years are perceived yet when they come back to life on Earth only a few minutes or a few hours have passed. 

On the other hand, a person who has grandchildren dies and they're in the afterlife. Yet to them its only a few moments later that they see their grandchildren in the afterlife but meanwhile on Earth their grandchildren have lived thileir full 90 years or more lives. 

It's a mutual reciprocity thing. 

Friday, May 6, 2022

Jean Claude Van Couver is actually famous writer Aaron Chapman. I saw a Global News video short on YouTube about Howard Hughes 50 Years Since He Went To Vancouver. Aaron Chapman was interviewed and he is exactly the same guy that is on the Jean Claude Van Couver videos as JCVC. 

The man is a genius, whatever name he uses. 

Which parent would name their child Jean Claude Van Couver and why is there only one person in the World with that name? 

Today, I saw the ex-Mayor of this town on the street today. The timing was impeccable. And also, a nutty person off to a distance behind me said, "What are you doing being homeless, you cunt?!" This made me look behind me. If I hadn't looked behind me, I would have missed seeing his Eminence. He looks older than he did but I recognized him. I said, "Hello, your Honour." He said hello as well. This was a great day. 

This morning, I said, "This is the day that the Lord has made. I shall rejoice and be glad in it." When I say that, often, good thing happen on that day. Things such as finding great things on the street etc 

The other day, Saturday April 30, I went dumpster diving and found a number one awesome frying pan that works on induction stovetops. It is a large copper frying pan with gold coloured plastic leather wrap on the handle. The bottom of the frying pan has a spotted mallet strike design similar to that which is seen on some cymbals. It is a great find and makes up for me not scooping the Paderno frying pan I saw on the street which was half blackened and burned. This frying pan I found was in great condition, no burns or anything. 

This was the one freak time I went dumpster diving. I haven't gone dumpster diving before this or if I did, it was years ago and very seldom. 

It was a no name frying pan. I didn't see Paderno or Lagostina which are induction frying pan brands. 

Today, I had one tall can of beer. I went for the Stanley Park IPA beer. I haven't drank for months. One can of beer every few months is all right. My old limit was two cans. I think that one can of beer is the ideal limit. 

After drinking I felt drunk and had a slight hangover. However I had some dinner of Uncle Ben's wild rice and then had a nap. I woke up feeling much better. 

"Not for the last time he swore that he would never again touch this poison." Stephen King, referring to beer. 

My advice is not to drink more than one can of beer a month, at most. That way you won't get too drunk or hung over. More than one can of beer a month is excessive. 

One can of beer every once in awhile is medicinal. It flushes out the body. It can even clear up anxiety. 

IPA is India Pale Ale. India pale ale has a higher hops content and higher alcohol percentage. It is so beer can be preserved longer for trips from England to India, going back to when the beer was first made. 

Saturday, May 6, 2022

In the next 20 years, a time machine could be invented. If I had a time machine, I would go back in time and make it so my mother lived and I died. I would trade my life for my mother's. She should have lived and I should have died. My mother was middle class and she got married and had children. Whereas I've was only ever in the welfare class and I never got married etc. That's the number 1 reasonable rationale for why she should have lived and I should not have been born in the first place. 

Life presents itself to me as difficult, overwhelming, scary and a trap. I can never wake up without feeling that I wonder if I'd be better off dead. I really need a time machine to change my history. My life is a mess. However my mother was more on the ball and had a better grasp of life and living than I ever did. 

In about 20 or 30 years at most I won't have to worry about it anyways. I'll be dead of old age then. If I could write a letter to my mother, I would say that, "It's not my fault that a time machine was never invented. If there was a time machine that was invented, the first thing I'd do is to use it to change the course of events so that my mother lives to a ripe old age and I myself had never been born in the first place."

If that is the hand of God that she died and I live, then God indeed has a very strange hand. 

Maybe a quantum computer could figure out how a time machine could be invented. 

How would it happen? If I had a time machine that could only transport me back in time to only land here instead of the time machine also being one that could transport or teleport me to anywhere on Earth, I would be here in 1969. Then I'd have to get a plane ticket to go to the country where my mother lived. And I would have to be able to look for her and find her. Not knowing her address, and having only one photograph of her, and not being able to speak or write in the language she speaks and writes in would be a challenge. I'd have to hire a translator. 

If I did find her, I would have to tell her that I'm from the future and I'm her son. I'd also tell her that if she gives birth to me, that would somehow be a link in the chain of events that would lead to her death. I'd ask her to not get pregnant and to do something different than what she had otherwise have planned to do like maybe travel to England or something. I would tell her that she probably won't believe me and she would think it was some kind of weird prank. I would also tell her that the fact that I am there talking to her already changed the course of chain of events in a thousand and one microways. I would strongly advise her not to get pregnant. After the conversation, course of events changed, I would evaporate into non-existence and she would go on to live another 50 or 60 years until her death which would be around this time in 2022 or else in about ten years afterwards. Then the score would be Me 1 and Existence 0 rather than Existence 1 and Me 0. Fixing the final score would mean everything to me. 

If I was my mother, I would say, "You probably are my child from the future. I can see the resemblance and there is a resonance that I feel. I think you should live. Anyone's life has anxiety and anyone's life can be a mess. I know that I've got my own issues. But since you're here, the course of events would change and you wouldn't be born but if you weren't born, you wouldn't be here now which means that the course of events would not have changed and you would have been born anyways. How could you be here? Time travel is a Mobius strip which presents a bootstrap paradox  closed loop of mathematical impossibility." Would my mother actually say that? I doubt it. Time travel when it comes to changing events in the past is physically impossible. 

If I had a time machine, I would go back in time to 

1. Meet Jesus. 

2. Save the Titanic from sinking. 

3. Kill the World War 2 guy but during World War 1. 

4. Save Abraham Lincoln. 

5. Save Kennedy. 

1. One day in the future, a time machine will be invented and a lot of people not only me would want to meet Jesus. That means Jesus would have met a bunch of time travelers but the Bible never mentions that Jesus met any time travelers from the future. Also time travelers meeting Jesus might alter the course of events of history in a million and one ways forming a cascading butterfly effect the result of being that none of those time travelers were born so therefore they couldn't have gone back in time to meet Jesus. 

Also to talk to Jesus, you would have had to be fluent in Aramaic. Would Jesus at that time be fluent in modern English or else understood a language that hasn't been invented yet?

2. If the Titanic didn't sink, the result would be a timeline just as fucked. The World would still have its millions of fatal accidents, industrial accidents, every few years in Southeast Asia, a ferry boat carrying a few hundred people sinks. That would have been ongoing whether it nor the Titanic sinks. But what if a better timeline resulted? What if some of the people on the Titanic could have prevented World War 1 and 2? What if the internet was invented 20 years earlier as a result of the people on the Titanic surviving? 

3. to 5. It's difficult enough trying to find the exact location of anyone at any given time today let alone on the battle fields of World War 1. Even if one didn't kill the World War 2 guy during World War 1 because who wants the murder of anyone on their conscience, even if one was to injure him enough to prevent him from running for politics, again, try finding him. 

Lincoln and Kennedy were heads of state. It's difficult to contact any head of state even to say a quick hello let alone to convince them to change their course of action in a major way because they have their praetorian guard surrounding them. This applies today and would have applied decades ago. 

How can one talk to a head of state, in this case, US Presidents long enough to convince them to change their course of action? 

Stephen Hawking said that time travel is impossible otherwise we'd have hordes of time traveling tourists visiting us from the future. 

"Strange. Don't cast that spell. It's too dangerous." Benedict Wong

Peter Parker asked Dr Strange to cast a time travel spell so that he never met Mysterio. Benedict Wong told Dr Strange that it's too dangerous. This is the Universe sending me a sign that even if I had a time machine, to go back in time and make it that I was never born would be too dangerous. 

We are all time traveling now: to the future and one second or else on microsecond at a time. To time travel to the past? Forget it! 

I have anxiety disorder. The thought of traveling even to Vancouver gives me anxiety most times. Time traveling 50 something years into the past? Forget about it. 

I would travel to Vancouver to the early 60s. Aaron Chapman wrote in chapter one of his The Last Gang In Town: The Clark Park Gang book that real estate in Vancouver in the early 60s was even cheaper than it was in 1912! But when the early 70s arrived, speculation real estate appeared and drove up the real estate prices ever since.

If I went back to Vancouver in the early 60s, I could get a detached house for real cheap. Of course the house would have had electric wiring and infrastructure, not electronic like it is today. A glass television, black and white in the early 60s and a rotary dial telephone and a stereo system made up of vacuum tubes and real cheap speakers with hardly any bass would have been the best you could get for home entertainment even if you were rich. Whereas today even people on welfare have a flat screen television, wireless internet, a tablet and or an iPhone and a stereo system with speakers with mini subwoofers that sound a lot better than the speakers of the early 60s. 

Sunday, May 8, 2022

Mothers Day. On this day I always grieve my mother and that I never met her. The forces of life ripped me off right from the start. 

In all probability, I would have had a good mother. But not all mothers are good. News stories over the decades talked about how some mothers even killed their own children in a fit of mental illness. 

There is a Chinese story, "Good thing, bad thing, who can know?" In Chinese, the story is called Choy Yung Sut Mah, meaning Mr Choy Loses His Horse. 

If my mother had lived, a thousand and one things in my life that I'm proud of and take for granted wouldn't have happened such as traveling to Thailand 3 times, riding from Victoria to Vancouver and back on a seaplane, meeting Royalty, my cartoons which I'm glad I had a chance to do as I've always wanted to be a cartoonist since I was a child yet in this environment of file sharing has killed the bottom line, I never got money for my cartoons. But even if I did, that would set up a whole new chain of problems. Rich or poor, failure or success, the critical faculty is always ever present looking for problems as a survival instinct based defense mechanism. 

What if I had gotten married? There is no such thing as happily ever after. Marriages often have marital burnout, the possibility of the presence of a medical problem with the spouse, a bitter divorce, and parental burnout. 

Thank God for the gift of life. Also I thank my mother for having given me birth. Life is an adventure and a difficult life with scars brings bragging rights in the afterlife as one has had the temerity to go through a difficult but suspense filled life. 

I also thank my stepmother. Nobody's perfect but she did a good enough job raising me. She instilled in me certain values which I still have. She instilled a work ethic and the persistence towards perfection. She is an artist and she inspired me to be an artist. I wish her and my father an old age that is free from pain and fear. Those are the two great enemies of old age, pain and fear. They be in their 80s now or else pushing 80. Now that's old. And I thought I was old at nearly age 52. Technically, middle age is between 40 and 65. I'm in mid middle age. 65 or even 70 is the start of old age. 

Six more weeks and the days start getting shorter. The year so far went fast and that's despite me having a chronic anxiety disorder to the likes of which I've never had which leaves me wondering how fast it would have went if I didn't have the anxiety disorder. Ongoing constant caregiver burnout leads to anxiety disorder. 

Looking back, this will be one of the best years I've ever had. I got Bose speakers, a 1950s style fridge, a great induction frying pan, I went to Sidney BC a few times and I went to Vancouver one time. And again, that's despite me having a whopper of an anxiety disorder. A few weeks ago I thought my courage to travel had evaporated but I still had the courage to travel to Vancouver. 

Monday, May 9, 2022

Today I ordered takeout chicken vindaloo extra spicy at at East Indian restaurant at the Library that I never went to before. 

I also went to a store and got real SriRacha sauce. It cost $7.70. Pricey. This real SriRacha sauce was made in California. 

Dollarama sells a SriRacha sauce and it costs about $2.00. The Dollarama SriRacha sauce is made in Thailand. 

Tuesday, May 10, 2022

For some reason, I need to have Stilton cheese in my fridge at most if not all times. I got some Stilton cheese today. When I went to Vancouver, I got Stilton cheese there too. 

My handicapped lady friend Heather is moving to an assisted living facility on June 1. It's bittersweet news. I won't have to work for her anymore but I will miss her. So many times I got anxiety and frustration working for her 7 days a week. I drove myself into working for her out of guilt so I have myself to blame. In a panic about the possibility of working for her for the next 10, or 20 years, I said, "One day I'll see the last of you!" I apologized to her profusely for that. I do love her but working for anyone including her 7 days a week would lead to caregiver burnout although I got off lightly. Most typical caregivers have to cook, help with going to the bathroom, bathing every day at least once a day, shopping for food, helping with palliative devices, laundry. I didn't have to do nearly that amount of work. 

For 9 months I did her laundry once a week and bathers her once every 2 days. She insisted that she didn't want to bathe more than that which is atypical. Usually clients want to be bathed twice a day. 

Jericho Hostel isn't where I thought it was. I thought it was on 4th and Highbury. It's actually on Discovery Street which is kind of out of the way. Their 18 bed men's dorm is about $40 a night. Their private room is about $130 a night. 

I'd rather stay at the 2 star Barclay Hotel on Robson Street which has rooms for about $80 a night, give or take a few dollars. The winter rate is cheaper than the summer rate. I'd have to get a credit card for staying at a hotel but the mere thought of getting a credit card gives me an anxiety attack. I want to live a minimalist lifestyle which is why I would never want to be a billionaire or even millionaire. More money, more things and less minimalism. If one went through a million dollars every 3 months, at that rate, it would take 250 years to go through a billion dollars and Elon Musk has about 150 billion dollars. Of course Elon Musk would go through that money a lot faster if he spent money on infrastructure programs like a car factory that sells cars internationally and a space program that would potentially send people to Mars and then with the accompanying infrastructure to support the colonization of Mars. 

I don't think the human species should export themselves to any other planet. The human species uses the ocean as a pantry and a toilet. The human species uses the Internet especially the YouTube comments section as an esteemed fount of precious knowledge and a garbage can. YouTube comments are often erudite and profound and on the other hand full of angry spurious delinquent comments. Mars would be the same. It would be a halcyon of cosmic exploration and colonization and it would be a pernicious refuse dump of human politics and animosities and perfidous bad habits. 

I drink Yogi Tea Restful sleep and miraculously, I was able to get the last box available at the local supermarket. It's usually sold out at that location. This tea intensely helps me with my anxiety reducing it to zero but it always comes back again. I fear that I will have my anxiety for life and that I may be brain damaged. I have prayed for God to bring me to a place where I can be truly happy, blissful and laughing often. I won't say that God won't do it. The jury is out. God so far has answered my prayers of freedom from intense fear, freedom from anxiety thanks to Him leading me to accidentally discover Restful sleep tea and he has helped me with loss of courage to travel through guiding me to travel to Vancouver with my scooter. A scooter typically has two handlebars. One of the handlebars on my scooter is missing. This would typically be an anxiety scooter for most people but I ride the scooter using only one hand. So for me it's a crazy scooter which causes me no anxiety at all. Sometimes sheer crazy will over ride anxiety. 

I could imagine that I'm a Hollywood actor paid to star in a role of a character who has intense anxiety. The better or more I'm able to portray that, the more money and chances of an Oscar I'll get. Sadhguru said that whether or not you have anxiety, either way, you are acting out a role. Psychodrama.

I'll probably be addicted to Restful Sleep tea for life. Some people have no problem with being addicted to coffee for life. 

I have an awful story. When I came back from Vancouver, I found a plastic tube of white powder on the floor of BC ferries. I picked it up. When I got back to my apartment, I unscrewed the cap, shook out a bit of the powder and licked it. It didn't make my tongue go numb. I didn't know what it was. The next morning, not wanting to have this evil thing, I was about to pass it on to a female security guard that I know. But as luck would have it, in the way, I ran into a panhandler friend and passed it on to him. Good thing because maybe the security guard would have felt compelled to report that in a log book which might have been passed on to the Police. Anyways, the panhandler at first told me it was nothing bad but when I asked him again, he told me it was cocaine. I have my doubts about that. It could have been anything. Cocaine, heroin, whatever. It didn't make my tongue go numb which is what. cocaine usually would do. Anyways the panhandler told me he flushed it down the toilet. He could have sold it, I don't know. 

But I thought the gods left that cocaine for me to find as a reward for the bravery of going to Vancouver. The gods can and will do that. I don't do cocaine. I got enough problems as it is with tobacco and occasionally marijuana. Strange but true story. 

I wasn't 100% sure it was cocaine but if I was then I had thoughts of snorting some of it but then why bring on new extraneous problems that I don't already have? I don't like drugs and pharmaceuticals. Even if it was a legal pharmaceutical I don't want to do it. Some of those legal pharmaceuticals like lithium or Librium can really knock a person on their ass for a week. Forget it! 

Even if cocaine was legal I'm not sure that I want to take on an additional problem that I don't already have. 

There is a drug spectrometer at UVIC or the University of Victoria. 

Fentanyl looks exactly like heroin. It's a white powder. These days it is common for fentanyl to be mixed in with heroin and also cocaine. One is gambling with their life. Always throw away any white powders in a baggie or container or tube that you find on the street. Don't ever do any white powder drugs. Stick to marijuana if you feel that you must do a drug. White powder drugs are made in a lab. Who knows what's in it? 

Today, I went to the James Bay Inn and had a pasta dinner. It's a good way to end my 51st year. I'll be 52 in a few days. It was a good and hopefully memorable experience. I try to have as many good days as possible. In the years ahead looking back, there's no way to tell which good memories will stick. Things like this make the difference between a good year and a mediocre unmemorable year. 

My left ear still rattles whenever I burp. I have to see the ENT about it next week. I did tell him about it and he checked my ear and said there was nothing wrong. Perhaps this will go away on its own. I'll ask him, "Will it go away on its own or will it get worse? Can anything be done about it?" There is no pain. A couple of days ago, there was a slight pinch of pain from time to time but that was because I poured water into that left ear when I showered and held my nose, closed my eyes and plugged the other ear and tilting my head so that the left ear was upwards, I blew out air out of my left ear so I could hear a bubbling sound. I did that before and it worked. Now it doesn't work so much. Perhaps this will go away one day and all this worry will be for nothing. 

I still feel anxiety from time to time about irrational things that no one else on the planet would have anxiety about. A YouTube video says that anxiety comes from a misuse of the imagination. Often decision and indecisiveness causes me to have anxiety as well. I think I might be brain damaged. I didn't used to have anxiety this often. 

“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”

Epicurus

Wednesday, May 11, 2022

Searching for "What will happen when real estate prices start plummetting", articles appeared saying that real estate prices will fall 24% in 2024. That still means house prices are higher than they were in pre 2020 which was high enough. 

A YouTube video from Storyhive - Secret Vancouver: Return To Hogan's Alley said that before the 1970s, Vancouver had lots of detached houses built around the turn of the last century. Fred Herzog photographed Vancouver in the 1950s and Vancouver had almost nothing but those types of houses in the East End and the West End too. Vancouver was saturated with those houses. 

But an issue called urban blight caused a lot of those houses to be torn down and new places were built. Those old houses were firetraps. The walls were wooden slats that were wallpapered over rather than being made of gyproc. 

Those old houses although nostalgic fell to disrepair. Banks were hesitant to give loans to people for house repair. Those old houses were moldy and a lot of them smelled bad. The issue was that urban blight spread like mold until much of a city was affected. 

In the United States during the 60s, 70s, and 80s, a lot of old turn of the last century single detached homes were demolished and replaced with housing projects. Turn of the last century refers to 1899 - 1900. 

So much for wanting to use a time machine for visiting Vancouver in the 50s and 60s.

Could the once in a century urban blight affect the real estate bubble? It's a cycle. New houses are built, a real estate bubble happens, then urban blight sets in and the bubble bursts and those houses are replaced with new houses. When the bubble bursts, for awhile, house prices are really cheap and anyone can afford to live in a home. 

I live in a one room apartment and the amount of things I have accumulated are overwhelming to me as I want to live in a minimalist place. To live in an apartment or house with multi rooms all full of accumulated things would drive me crazy and send me into a nervous breakdown. 

I borrowed the movie Anna from the library. 5 stars top rate movie. Anna is recruited into the Russian KGB. Then somewhere along the line the CIA recruits her. She goes on missions and kills a lot of people. She has top martial arts skills. She can take down a lot of Russian agents, hitmen, bodyguards, soldiers etc yet she couldn't beat up that wasted junkie boyfriend she had. Strange. 

I also borrowed A Quiet Place Part 2. Not having watched part 1, I saw the entire movie that is part 2. Another SCP B movie. Anytime you see strange creatures = B movie. It was a strange movie and I really struggled to watch it all the through. It was an OK movie. 

I'm worried about my ear, but perhaps like the aches in my arms and lats, the pimples on my genitals, the bump in my nose and my plantar fasciitis, this problem will go away too. I've had several medical problems over the years and they all went away. I also had worse things like an abscesses tooth, bad food poisoning, and tapeworm and they went away quickly after a trip to the doctor. My ENT doctor said my ear was nothing to worry about. The rattling goes on whenever I burp. I hear a crunch like the crackling of rice crispies. 

My plantar fasciitis went away after I did foot massage on that area. My sore arms and lats were completely cleared up with stretching. 

I'm setting up an appointment to ask my ENT doctor about my ear. Will it get worse or go away. Are there any treatments for it? What is it? Is it eustachian tube myoclonus? Would I need surgery? 

My landlord went to UBC to get a surgery for his nose. He looks awful. Black bags under his eyes and a swollen nose with a Band-Aid on it. They cut his nose and pinned it to his forehead. They had to break bones under his eyes as part of the surgery. But he's all fixed up now and is feeling better every day. Some of the people on his surgical team at UBC were predictably students. But those students were trained to a certain level I guess, or they wouldn't have been there. And I thought I had some bad experiences at UBC. No I never did. I never had any bad experiences at UBC. One time I even fucked a girl I met at Wreck Beach on the trail going up. But that was years ago. It was a strange time in my life. But this girl was a hard core girl. Not junkie hard core but still pretty hard core. 

I hope that God heals the issue with my ear. One day, I will figure out or else stumble on the solution to my ear problem. It's a living Universe. 

My ear issue isn't painful. It neither gets better or worse. There is no swelling and no bleeding or any other spontaneous fluid discharge. Those are things to really worry about. My ENT did a primary preliminary check and he said I have nothing to worry about. However since I am a hypochondriac and have health anxiety, I don't fully believe that. I'm convinced it might be something serious. I'm setting up another appointment which is classic with hypochondriacs. 

This ENT likes to coast. He likes an easy cushy job. I have never seen him spend more than five minutes with any patient. In and out quickly. Meanwhile he gets billing and is accumulating lots of money. 

"One searches the World for something only to stumble on it accidentally." Farewell My Concubine

I went to Fisherman's Wharf today. The houseboats on Fisherman's Wharf are worth about a million dollars each. The cheapest one was about $750,000 which a couple from New York bought with cash down. No mortgage or payments. One single payment. 

I was too cheap and on a budget so I didn't get any food at Fisherman's Wharf which is a tourist trap. Instead I got one can of gourmet smoked pink salmon on sale for $5, regular price $6. 

That pasta dinner at the James Bay Inn kind of wiped me out financially. 

My friend from Church lives in one of the houseboats. She is old and honestly not all there. She is a talented painter, water colors. I think she inherited a whole boatload of money from her parents which is how she got the houseboat. She has a car too. It's a small car. I don't know what make. 

If I inherited a few million from my parents which is impossible, I'll inherit nothing, I wouldn't get a houseboat on fisherman's wharf. That's a really weird place to live. If I had any kind of money I would only rent. Purchasing a house requires a lot of committment. One would have to stay there. I prefer to move whenever I feel like it. I wouldn't want to move to the downtown eastside of Vancouver. I'd rather stay in a better neighborhood like Kits or UBC. 

I don't think that those houseboats are worth more than $50,000 at most. A million dollars? That's insane. A houseboat isn't a real house. It's something that can't decide whether it's a house or a boat and perhaps it's neither. The sewage empties into the water continuing the fine tradition of the human species of using bodies of water simultaneously as a pantry and a toilet. I don't really believe in the human species which is why I'm glad I never had any children. The human species is a disease to this planet. 

Even if a person lives in a house or an apartment, they are still using the local bodies of water as a pantry and a toilet. It's just that people living in houseboats do it in a more direct way and people living in houses and apartments do it in a more roundabout way. 

My friend from Church is quite a few years older than me yet she doesn't have the fear and anxiety that I have so she is all there a lot more than I am, I think. 

The houseboats on Granville Island are better than the ones at fisherman's wharf. This town is a backwater and thus any real estate in this town is overpriced. Backwater small towns don't have the infrastructure or dynamism of Vancouver. Vancouver is a real city. 

A city would have a minimum of 750,000 people. A small town has around 10,000 to 25,000 people. I think it's sleazy for small towns to call themselves cities when their population says that it's a small town. I hate small towns that call themselves cities. Dawson Creek is one of them. The City of Dawson Creek. City?! Bullshit! 

I'm convinced my ear problem is something serious. It won't go away. It might go away in a few months but it certainly isn't going away now. If it gets any worse, I'm going to the hospital! 

I have my issues, but I believe that I'm a good person. I am strong, courageous, kind, considerate, thoughtful, brave, and a good person. I don't go to nightclubs but a lot of the nightclub culture is centred around drinking and doing drugs like speed aka ecstacy. Some people go to the alley outside the nightclub and smoke pot and even crack. That's common for nightclubs. If that's the nightclub culture, forget it. Dance to music that's too loud. Dance to music I'm not familiar with in a dim grotto of a setting. What if I meet a lady and get lucky but then soon find out she's pregnant and then I'm on the hook for child support. Forget it. 

Fear of commitment and marriage is called gamophobia. 

Given the two extremes of Church and nightclubs, I go to Church even though I might seem like a geek for doing it. People in Church are sober. Churches are well lit. The music at Church isn't too loud and it's uplifting music. Churches are very spiritual. I don't know if nightclubs are too spiritual or if there's even an emphasis for that. 

My main issues are tobacco smoking, the smoking of marijuana, I fell off the cannabis wagon a few times in the last few days... Also my issue is looking at granny porn although that isn't as much of an issue now that I'm in my 50s. I suppose it was more of an issue when I was in my 20s. Never get involved with a granny in your 20s. That's bad mojo because chances are, in about ten years, she'll be dead. That always brings about bad mojo although I'm sure historically, a lot of young guys got involved with grannies at one time or another. 

The Vancouver Skytrain tunnels underground starting at Marine Drive near the Neptune Palace Chinese Restaurant and runs to waterfront station. I thought it ran under the water at False Creek and what if it tunnels under the water. Wouldn't water collapse the tunnel? False Creek is only about 30 metres or 90 feet deep. But the tunnel of the Skytrain is built under the ground which supports the waters of False Creek. Now that's good engineering. They used a boring drill similar to that used to build the chunnel under the English Channel. Elon Musk is investing in boring drills to drill tunnels under Mars for colonization. Now whenever I ride the Skytrain in Vancouver and it goes through the tunnel, I don't have to worry about water collapsing the tunnel creating another Poseidon Adventure. 

A picture I took from my tablet camera during my trip on April 28, 2022.

When I was in Vancouver at Vanier Park, I saw the barge across the water, the stuck barge that is the basis of Barge Chilling Park. It looked very large and slightly scary. But it's something that Vancouverites have gotten used to. I guess they never freed it yet. It looks unnatural and out of place there. It looks like a form of chaos. 

I didn't take a picture of it. Instead I used Google Maps which has a picture of it. 

I wished that my lady friend Heather who is currently temporarily handicapped would go to an assisted living facility because I was working for her 7 days a week and didn't know when it would stop. Be careful what you wish for - it just might come true! Now that she's leaving next month, I don't know what my future will look like. The work gave me a structure that I've become habituated to. Now I don't know what I will do. Perhaps I'll go back to my old life of smoking marijuana, doing cartoons and visiting Vancouver once every few months now that I have time. Going to Vancouver for one day costs less than $200 if I am conservative with my budget and don't go on a spending spree. Just have one or two inexpensive meals. Vancouver is the farthest that I ever want to travel. I don't have the courage, the energy or the money nor the inclination to travel anywhere else, even to London England or to Bangkok Thailand. At 52, I'm too old to travel to a faraway place. Although, Morgan Freeman is a lot older than me and he traveled to Israel, Egypt, and to Houston Texas when he did the documentary 'Who Is God?' When Morgan Freeman was in Houston Texas, he interviewed Pastor Joel Osteen and his wife Victoria. 

At Sidney Bakery in Sidney BC, there is a very large donut called the Texas Donut because everything's big in Texas. That donut reminded me of Houston Texas and Pastor Joel Osteen. 

I wish to one day have a BMW from the 80s. I need a 1988 BMW 325i or else a 1988 M3. Or more mystically, a 1982 BMW 600 series, white and 4 door. 

Me listening to 80s music is like someone from the 80s listening to music from the 40s all the time but at least that was music from the same century. Me listening to 80s music takes on an added dimension of archaic because that's music from the last century. It's like someone in the 1920s listening to music from the 1880s. What kind of music was there in the 1880s? 

However people still listen to classical music and a lot of that was written in the 1700s like Beethoven, Mozart, etc. 

The future will take care of itself. 

"Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." The Bible. This means that every day has its own worries. Don't waste the opportunity to solve the problems of today thinking of the problems of tomorrow. 

"Try to enjoy the here and now The future will take care of itself somehow." Howard Jones

"All our tomorrows find their own way." Eddie Schwartz

Thursday, May 12, 2022

I don't know how often I'll visit my ladyfriend Heather who is temporarily handicapped at her new assisted living place. I don't often or even usually visit people who live outside of or even within my hotel. I'm kind of wired to the habit of not visiting people. I might visit her once or twice but not often. Her new place does have a bathtub and I haven't had a bath for years, only showers. But a bathtub needs to be cleaned after every use or elseit gets dirty. She needs to go to the hair salon once a month to get her facial hair removed but I have a friend named Janet from another planet and she has major facial hair but no one at the soup line seems to mind. I don't want to be taking her to the hair salon once a month every month for life. When she moves out, I'll promise up and down that I'll visit her but I'll just wind up not visiting. I don't visit people, usually. 

Hopefully I don't visit her too much but how can I? I usually drift away from friends who live somewhere other than my apartment. I'm hoping that I won't visit her too often. 

Visiting is a hassle. She's in a wheelchair and operates it slowly and feebly so it would take her forever to go to the intercom system to buzz me in. That's a disincentive. 

I sometimes think that she will just languish without my care but that's just a delusion. She's smarter and stronger than she looks. 

I think I'll spend the rest of my life as a bachelor. 

That's due to commitment issues and just issues in general. That's due also to not having enough money to get married. 

But people living in third world slums were able to somehow get married. 

I never got married. Usually you have to have money to get married. I don't come from a strong family line that I really believe in. I don't have the talent, energy or inclination to be a parent. And I don't believe in the human species. And I don't want parental burnout. And I don't have money nor what it takes to be a good protector so I won't be a parent either. Yet there are some skinny guys who are parents and they're not great protectors either or else not the best of protectors. Someone strong and muscular and tall would be a good parent and protector. 

The world is going to hell in a handbasket. Ever rising overpriced out of reach real estate prices and global warming climate change are two reasons that I'm glad that I never have been nor ever will be a parent. 

I have worries about my lady friend Heather who is in a wheelchair. I hope I don't wind up visiting her all the time and wheeling her. She lives near enough. But I generally don't have the habit of visiting someone. I hope that she doesn't visit me. Or she might visit the guy who lives next door to me to get cigarettes and then when I see her I'd feel compelled to wheel her back to where she loves which is about 4 and a half blocks away. But I've never seen her wheel herself that far. She's very feeble and doesn't have much stamina at all. I generally don't like visiting people unless I really really like them. I'm not sure if I like this lady all that much. I kind of do and I kind of don't. She really did a number on me these last two years. Her health isn't the greatest although she's always cheerful and optimistic. If I had the health problems that she does I'd suffer health anxiety to a level I never have before. I'll probably not visit her. 

I so worry about the future but like politics, the future will not be as good or as bad as it appears to be. 

In truth, I really don't want to visit her at her new place. All it ever is with her is work work work. She really can't do anything for herself. Clumsy, feeble, retarded and a slob. That's a recipe for someone who always needs help. But on the good side, she's sweet, and optimistic. She never speaks of having any fear or anxiety or worry unlike yours truly. She always says, "I'll be OK." She even often says to me, "You're OK." 

I think that when she moves, we'll have to go our separate ways. 

I don't like visiting people's places often. If I don't live there, that's one less reason to go there. Then whatever security guards would wonder what I'm doing there all the time. Then there's the intercom system as the front door is locked. For sure if I visit someone and they're not there two or three times, that really discourages me from visiting ever again. 

Call of Antia is a rally addictive match 3 app. It uses all the addiction studies Las Vegas algorithms to the hilt. The flashy screen effects during battles and all the levelling up and all the prizes offered are a real Pavlov's dog to keep people jumping through the hoops. I also, probably against my better judgement, joined an Alliance. This is standard for these apps. Joining alliances has a lot of down sides. You can see the alliance chat room on a lot of apps, although not this one, and comments range from the profound to downright pernicious spurious unwanted garbage which sums up the human species. Joining an alliance in some cases means you could be raided or else lose assets if you lose an alliance war. I'm thinking of uninstalling. Even though uninstalling means not being in an alliance that you like anymore. Call of Antia like all such other apps reaches it's pay to play scale before long. Been there done that, definitely uninstall. 

Life is a struggle. So many details, responsibilities, addictions, compulsions, and they only pile up as you get older. The future is so uncertain. 

My lady friend said, "The future will be better than you imagine." "You will surprise us all. You will blow us all away."

"Life is not a problem to be solved. It is a mystery to be experienced."Dune 

Life is an adventure to be enjoyed. 

I went to Sidney Museum in Sidney BC today. I made a video that's on YouTube. This museum has lots of artifacts that would rival any other museum anywhere. The main attractions were the Critchley General Store and the stovetops and genuine early 20th Century kitchen. 

The past year of me being 51 was the best of times and the worst of times. 

Best: Discovering the James Bay Inn for myself, seeing movies at Sidney's Star Cinema, getting Bose speakers, getting a retro 50s fridge, visiting Vancouver for the first time in 11 years. 

Worst: PTSD and caregiver burnout from helping a handicapped lady just about 7 days a week for 2 years. Nose infection. Now a rattling in my left ear whenever I burp. Seeing delinquent people on the street. 

Today I saw 'young Michael Jackson' again today. He was acting crazy again. He was gesturing crazily at me. But he does that a lot to a lot of people as I have observed. He is otherwise harmless. He showed up just as my bus to Sidney appeared. What timing. Had the bus appeared even five minutes earlier I wouldn't have seen him. He seems very disturbed and disturbing. 

Friday, May 13, 2022

Today is my birthday. I wake up with worries and fears. I trust God that all my problems will be solved. New problems will replace them but they will be solved too and so on and so on. 

My aim is to be a good person and a normal person. I don't want to be a crazy person but a little bit of craziness is permitted. The crazy preacher guy who preaches on the street, the young Michael Jackson looking guy who acts up all the time, all the panhandlers who panhandle day after day asking people for spare change, they are crazy yet they never got arrested. One can get away with quite a bit of crazy. This includes not in the least all the people who make crazy videos on YouTube like the people who do skateboard and scooter stunts going off ramps that are quite a few storeys high. That's crazy. The people on YouTube who travel to multiple countries overseas. That's crazy. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For my plans are to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you a hope and a future. 

Don't focus on how big problems are. Focus on how big God is. 

I saw sweet Suzie on the street today! Suzie isn't my future girlfriend or anything like that. She is a kindred spirit. 

Today at a museum, I saw what I thought was a book or a small piece of wood on a leather bench. It turned out to be a very expensive cell phone. In case someone else picks it up and pockets it, I turned it in to the security guard station for lost and found. I was proud that I did that. I can't describe the phone nor which museum I saw it at. There are at least two museums in this region. I am proud that I did that. 

"Your enemies will know your qualities before ever you meet them." Kingdom of Heaven

Maybe someone else would have picked up the phone and reset it to factory settings and have the phone. Someone who lost that phone would be very upset. Hopefully the security guards have some technology or technique to reunite people with lost cell phones. A cell phone has lots of data which would provide clues as to who is the owner. I'm sure that the museum has people turn in cell phones found in the museum quite a few times a year so they do have methods like getting the phone's IMEI or getting Siri to call mom and dad. That's two techniques right there. 

My cell phone however is on a plan like Chatr or Lucky. When I applied for the phone I was advised to give an alias which I did. My application for the plan did not require an address so if I ever lost my cell phone, it could not be reunited with me. I took no pictures on it and made a few phone calls to different hotels asking about rates, vacancy etc so that couldn't be traced to me either. 

The chances are slim that the person who lost the phone would know that they lost it at the museum or think of going to security lost and found. Who lost the phone? Is it a tourist? That tourist could be gone out of town. I really sincerely hope that the person gets their phone back. What would the chances of that be? It was either an iPhone 12 or iPhone 13. Maybe or it could be an iPhone 10 or iPhone 11 model. I don't really know the models exactly. 

The Royal BC Museum will be closed in September. The Imax at the Royal BC Museum will be closed next January. A new museum is being built and will be completed in 8 years. That would be in 2030 when I'm 60 years old. That's if I ever get there. I got a few medical issues which might get worse so I don't really know that I'd make it to 60. The rice crispies crackling in my left ear whenever I burp or expel air might get worse and then I'd die before 60. That's life. A lot of people in history never made it to 60. 

Update: The museum won't be closing. It will stay open. 

Quite a few times at the morning soup line, there would be crazy yelling people. This morning a tall man with a red beard yelled, "All these people already got a breakfast and now they're lining up for a second time!!!" The security guard who is Native told him to calm down. He said, "I'm already calm! I don't know what you're saying. I don't speak Indian." Racist. Over the years I've encountered quite a few disturbing people in this town. I've encountered disturbing people in any town I've ever lived in without exception. Dr Steven St John said that if people choose evil, at the end of their life, evil spirits do come to collect. They will wind up in hell. That makes sense. A person's karma will draw them to an equivalent corresponding type of energy realm in the afterlife. People who choose to do good will go to a good place. Inconsiderate delinquent people will go to a less good place. Everyone will get what they deserve. 

Saturday, May 14, 2022

I still have the crunching sound in my left ear whenever I burp or expel air after eating or drinking or when yawning. My ENT doctor had a look and said I have nothing to worry about. A doctor at a walk in clinic prescribed me beclomethasone nasal spray and suggested that I use saline nasal spray before using the beclomethasone.

The YouTube channel Natural Health Resources features Doctor Melissa Gallagher suggest using 

1. Boil hot water, add 3 drops of tea tree oil and inhale the steam through the nose. 

2. Put olive oil in an eye dropper bottle add 7 drops of tea tree oil, drop in ear. 

3. Apply oregano oil around the outer ear lining and to the back of the ear. Do not put directly in ear. 

4. Apply T-relief Arnica cream on the back of the ears and around the throat. 

5. Use a saline mist nasal spray for the nose. 

That's a lot of options and these things, tea tree oil, oregano oil, T-relief arnica and olive oil are quite pricey. 

Someone on YouTube comments suggested hydrogen peroxide which I do have and tried. When I poured the hydrogen peroxide in my ear there was a crackling sound that even when I drained the hp out of my ear that crackling sound persisted for 10 minutes. During that ten minutes I characteristically thought that crackling sound would be there forever but then it went away a few minutes later. 

Someone on the Internet suggested Omega 3 pills. 

Someone on quora suggested either Eustachi or the cheaper option Otovent which is simply a Ballon to inflate and attach to the nose with an attachment device. I'll try them. Eustachi is about $100 and Otovent is about $20 not including shipping. Eustachi and Otovent can be ordered on Amazon. 

I'll try Otovent first. 

I wrote to Dr Melissa Gallagher in the comments section of one of her videos. It would be a miracle if she replies. 

I don't know how long I will have this problem. I will let you know when or if it ever goes away. I might have this problem for life. Doctors advise to trace the activity that causes any medical problem. I don't know what I did to cause this ear problem but maybe one day it will occur to me. Is it through wearing earplugs or headphones? Then why does this occur in one ear and not two? I've given up on health anxiety for this one. It doesn't seem to get worse and there is zero pain involved. I'm an old hand when it comes to health anxiety and health anxiety is useless when added to any health problem. I hope that God or Jesus will heal me but time will tell. 

There are people living in the hotel building that I do which have worse health problems but none of the anxiety that I have. I never hear them saying, "Will I have this for life?" or "Will I die from this?" 

Do I guess that it's so easy for a person to die? A person can put up with a lot of medical issues, a mountain load, and still be alive for many years even decades to come. 

The crunching sound in my left ear only happens when I'm burping after eating or yawning. Otherwise I don't think that I have a problem at all. If I was to add. Up all the time in a day when I'm yawning I burping its less than a minute a day. Why worry about a painless medical condition that occurs for less than a minute a day in total? Obesity would bother me more yet I know of some obese people who are perfectly happy. 

My writing career is dead. My YouTube career is at a standstill. Maybe I have a bad reputation from the past. Sure, me and millions of others. Even if YouTube had 100,000 stars, there are about 100 million people on this planet who have uploaded a video to YouTube at one time or another. And that's a conservative estimate since there are nearly 8 billion people on this planet. Most people including yours truly simply get lost in the shuffle. 

And there are levels. Some YouTubers have 500,000 subscribers. Some have 2 million subscribers. Some have 20 million subscribers. And some have 200 million subscribers. 

Sunday, May 15, 2022

The medical industry is still in a primitive state. You can go to ten different doctors and get ten different opinions and you're lucky if one of them works. For my proem with my left ear, my ENT said that theres nothing wrong, I have nothing to worry about. A nurse at the walk in clinic said I should try a chiropractor. A doctor at the walk in clinic prescribed me beclomethasone nasal spray. It hasn't worked. A doctor on YouTube said to try saline spray, then tea tree oil, then tea tree oil then olive oil mixture and then oregano oil and then Arnica T-relief. 

Doctors prescribe pills and medications and they get a kickback from the pharmaceutical companies. They don't always seek to cure. They seek to manage diseases so that they can maximize profit. The medical industry is a for profit entity. The state of the World is dastardly and I'm glad I never became a father. I'm glad that I didn't bring anyone into this profoundly dysfunctional World. 

It remains to be seen if my ear problem ever goes away. At least it's not painful, just merely somewhat annoying. It has remained the same for a long time. It hasn't gotten better or worse. 

The internet said that in most cases eustachian tube dysfunction or ETD go away on their own in time without treatment. 

"Just give your body the grace, the patience and the time to heal." Dr Melissa Gallagher

The problem with my nose has gotten a lot better. It hasn't gone away 100% but it is 95% reduced from what it once was. 

I'll be surprised if I make it to 60 at this rate. 

I went to the Chinese Church. I even spoke Chinese with the people there. I might have gone over my head. Sometimes it doesn't pay to spread yourself too thin. I did get a good feeling going there. The people there asked a lot of questions. Some cultures are like that. They ask a lot of questions. They invited me to visit again next Sunday. All Churches are like that. I went to 4 different Churches this year. It's a real juggling act. Go to one or the other. There's no way I can lose. It doesn't matter which one I go to. 

There's no getting away from how with the Chinese language, every time you want to write a new word, you got to learn how to draw a new picture. While the writing looks elegant the spoken language that corresponds to that script winds up sounding like "Hieya chingah chongah hieya!" Cantonese is a vulgar sounding dialect next to Mandarin which sounds much more elegant. And Mandarin is the classical Chinese. 

Cantonese is merely a tribal dialect of which the writing and grammar got standardized by the Mandarin system a few centuries ago. 

"I speak classical Spanish not the strange dialect that Manuel seems to have picked up." Fawlty Towers

Fear is useless. Fear is irrelevant. Oftentimes this is the case. 

As long as you are not harming others or yourself either in thought word or deed, keep going. Put one foot in front of the other. And as long as you aren't doing anything illegal. 

Steve O said that he wanted to be the best person he could be to be the person that his soul mate deserves. The lady who was interviewing him said, "That made me cry. That's right. Otherwise all the other person would see is a bunch of red flags."*

That's the ideal. The reality is each person in the World has quite a few red flags. You have to accept yourself and others just the way you are or just the way they are. 

*source: Steve O's Documentary | Full Movie. Uploader: Flavio de Feo, YouTube

I wonder how I'll make it through the next 20 years. Someone on quora said, Don't worry. You'll look back and see that you made it through in the end. And it was better than you could have imagined. 

Monday, May 16, 2022

I went to Dollarama this morning and got some basic things. 

MLAs in the Legislature are fighting the Premier of the Province regarding the decision to close down the Royal BC Musuem. 

The News said the museum closure was decided on by the Premier without public consultation and the new plans for the museum were again drawn without public consultation. 

This is the same Premier who closed question period after drafting his covid measures legislation. 

Well, once the museum closes, that's one less reason for anyone to visit Victoria or Vic-bore-ia as the town is also known as. That's one less reason for me to stay in Victoria and to move back to Vancouver. I had an annual pass to that museum for a few years. I often renewed my pass. Not every year, but on enough years. 

This town is a backwater town fishbowl existence. Vancouver is a rock show. This town is the second best town in the Province. Every other town is a backwater not worth visiting. Except for Sidney BC. Sidney BC is also a backwater but it is worth visiting. I'd rather visit Sidney BC than visit Esquimalt or Colwood which are closer. 

If you were born and raised or else just raised in a town, it would be sad to have not lived in any other towns. That's why I moved from Vancouver. Another criteria is if the town you're moving to is a comparative backwater. Or the town you're moving to doesn't have deep heavenly sophisticated vibes. That's why I miss Vancouver. But Vancouver has the downtown eastside. To move from downtown Victoria to the downtown eastside of Vancouver is like moving from a minimum security prison to a maximum security prison. It's trading one set of advantages and disadvantages for another in moving from Victoria to Vancouver or vice versa. 

Vancouver is more dynamic. Vancouver has Pacific Centre Mall but if you're mostly going to go there and can't afford or don't really want to get any of the fashions there, that's one less reason to go. PCM has a great food court though. I'd give the food court in Vancouver's Pacific Centre Mall about 15 stars out of 10. It's that good. Vancouver is a dream town heaven utopia paradise Rock show. It's a great town. Vancouver is an irridescent beautiful jewel of a town. 

The suburbs of Vancouver are as boring as anywhere else. A lot of areas of Vancouver aren't really worth visiting. 

I could go back to Vancouver and stay for a week or even two weeks at a time. A lot of hotels rent on a weekly basis. I'd be staying in the downtown eastside because the hotels there are affordable. I know and love and miss Vancouver vibes. Any town has a vibe. You just got to know it from living there for a few years. You don't really appreciate the vibes of a town until you leave it for awhile. 

As you get older there is a time when you lose the magic of life. Then it comes back again. 

I won't get married. I have a weird granny porn fetish. Brodie on BrodieTV on YouTube said it best in that video where he dressed up in a penis costume. "I'm not going to lie to you. But I kind of have a thing for those old bitches 98 years plus. That is... kind of." 

Well that's more or less my reality. Maybe not quite 98 years old. 

As Robert Knepper said in the TV series Prison Break, "Even I draw the line somewhere." 

I do have an extreme fetish for old women and that disturbs me. I've had this weird fetish for decades. I'm sure I've mentioned it before over the years. That's a red flag for any lady who would want to know me. The way I see it, I don't have a good future when it comes to marriage etc. Not at all. 

Then I have the problems with my nose and my left ear. If I make it to 60 it'd be a miracle let alone 70. I have predicted since I was a child that I won't live much longer than 70. I've always thought that. 70 would be about it for me. I'm age 52 now. Time will tell. 

Some people can get off to animated cartoon porn. I couldn't. That type of porn gives me PTSD and extreme sex anxiety. I just can't do it. 

Tuesday, May 17, 2022

Going to the doctor is like playing the lottery. Sure enough, you pay money for the lottery ticket, but the chances of winning are slim. You go to the doctor and you pay for the consultation and any prescriptions but the chances of being healed or cured are correspondingly slim. 

Doctors mostly don't know what they're doing and they don't know what they're talking about. You could go to 10 different doctors and get ten different opinions. It really depends on the judge. It really depends on the doctor. In the old days even though the technology was more primitive, you had a better chance of being cured. Nowadays, there is a slim chance of being cured. In the future they will invent a box that they wave over you like Dr McCoy waved a box over that patient in Star Trek The Search for Spock. That box might be called a Jesus box because it cures people like Jesus cured people. These days, Jesus would be classified as an SCP because of his superhuman powers. 

When someone says to me, "You should see a doctor about that." My mind immediately goes blank and I think that seeing a doctor won't do much if anything. I'm just as well off not seeing a doctor. I don't trust doctors. The chances are slim that you'd actually get cured. Seeing a doctor makes the situation worse. The doctor gets paid and whatever pharmaceutical company gets paid and you walk away uncured having been prescribed some snake oil medicine with potential side effects which could make your condition even worse than it is. The medical industry is pretty much useless and you are better off self medicating. YouTube videos that offer the disclaimer, "This video is not a substitute for medical advise as I am not a licensed medical practioner" are a joke. As if seeing a medical practioner would make a difference. Speaking from experience, in many cases, you are just as well off not seeing a doctor. 

Most of the good doctors are going to the States. Canada is left with the second rate doctors. 

The World and the human species is going to hell in a handbasket. The future looks grim and bleak. 

With the medical issues that I have with my left nostril and with my left ear, I doubt that I'll make it to 60. I'm moving back to Vancouver in a couple of years. The doctors in Vancouver are better. 

I don't trust doctors. It's better not to be born. I'm glad I never became a father. Life is not really worth living all that much. 

My tendency is to think that the problem with my left ear will be there for life with a possibility of it getting worse. I will let you know if or when the problem ever goes away. I doubt I'll make it to 60 with my problems. I told Suzie about my ear crunching problem. I also told Heather about my ear crunching problem. Heather said not to worry, it will go away. 

Suzie said that I'd make it to 110. "You think so?" "I know so." 

Suzie isn't a future girlfriend. She's a kindred spirit. I think that when Suzie sees me, she sees one red flag after another. I told her that I have my problems and issues. She said that we all have problems. 

I don't see Suzie as having any problems and issues. To me, she appears to be pristine. Whereas I have my problems with smoking tobacco everyday and sometimes smoking marijuana and also looking at granny porn. 

Problems go away. Women get pregnant but they don't think that they'll be pregnant for life. In one case a woman was pregnant for 12 months which is the longest human gestation period on record. Probably at the 11 and a half months point she probably thought that she'd be pregnant with this one baby for life. The record for the number of children one woman has ever had is 69! Unlike most women she spent more time in her adult life being pregnant than not pregnant. Most women I think would have health anxiety at some point being pregnant so many times. 

Different animals experience pregnancy differently. A female rabbit can get pregnant bearing one litter and get pregnant again a short time after to bear two litters simultaneously. This is called superfetation. 

A bear cat can delay the the delivery date of their offspring to deliver whenever it wants. This is called embryonic diapause.*

*source: Casual Geographic. Cassowaries are truly the spawn of Satan. YouTube

Some species of queen ants after they get impregnated once in their life can store the sperm collected in a pouch that keeps the sperm fresh and ready for use for up to 12 years. 

Whenever I have a health problem I think that it will either be there for life or that I'll be dead in a few months as a result of this. Last year when I had chronic intense PTSD and burnout to the point of feeling like I had boulders in my head and hot coals in my stomach, I thought I'd be having that for life and that I'd be dead in less than a year. It's almost 11 months later and I feel a lot better. I'm still alive which is something that amazes me. 

I'll order Eustachi if I could afford it. Eustachi has a nearly 100% success rate. Eustachi is sold at CVS which is an American online pharmacy which doesn't help me. It's not sold at pharmacies. I wonder why. 

My ear rattling is getting better. After pouring more hydrogen peroxide into my ear, I did the valsalva maneuver which is what the Eustachi and the otovent tries to replicate. It is working but it takes a few tries over a few days to work. I had this ear rattling thing before at other times in my life but somehow I overlooked it and it went away. As long as there is no pain and no fluid discharge like blood or some weird discolored fluid then it's just a routine ear blockage caused from negative pressure in the middle ear caused from fluids in the eustachian tube. 

Most medical issues are caused from scary but harmless issues that take a bit of time to go away. I doubt that anyone is 100% problem free when it comes to health and medical issues yet they keep plodding on. Some people in my building have survived surgery, cancer surgery, extreme obesity and they are still alive and keep plodding on. Obesity can otherwise give someone who is prone to health anxiety recurring panic attacks. 

Paper Tigers is a good movie. It's about three students of a martial arts master who seek to avenge his death. 

The Gardener is also a good movie. It's about a gardener who was once a soldier who got military medals who works for a family as a gardener and defends this family from a group of house breakers and robbers. There is a bit of a twist in this movie. The gardener looks a lot like Charles Bronson. The gardener and the main antagonist Volcker are older and this movie shows that older people can be very strong and vital, even more so than young people. Some old people are more fit and ferocious than they ever were when they were young. 

Near death experiences and religion says there is a heaven. I don't know if that's true or not. Maybe they're saying that just to assuage people's fear of what happens after death. I do believe that after death, the consciousness survives but at the moment of death, their DMT in their body locks them in to the quantum physics time dynamic where time travel is the objective experience of time and from that moment on their spirit lives forever in another dimension but it's a grey area where there is good and bad elements. It's the same weird wacky place that we go to in our dreams. There is no absolute heaven or hell. This other dimension is more or less a holographic carbon copy of the Earth invisible during life but in the afterlife one resides there forever with a different set of physics where one looks young forever, doesn't need to sleep or eat and can teleport through walls and doors. Turning the doorknob, opening the door, walking through it and closing it again is a hassle. In the afterlife one doesn't have to worry about that anymore as one can walk through closed doors teleporting. 

There is still a bit of what registers as physical pain in the afterlife but it lasts for only a second. If a dog or a cat bites the hand, one feels the pain only when the dog's or cat's teeth are clasped around the hand. Once it lets go, there is pain for only one second longer and then no more pain unlike in this dimension where the pain can last for days. This is what the dream world taught me after remembering my dreams for years. 

Of course a person's karma in life brings them to certain realms so people who have caused a lot of grief to other people will go to a realm full of trouble as that's what their karmic personality is drawn to. People who were kind to others and considerate people will go to a relatively better place. In this life you can give out a totally good forum of energy and get another and worse kind of energy in return. The forces of life in this dimension are often delinquent in this way. In the afterlife one gives out good energy and only gets the same good energy in return at all times. But even then there is often questionable and snarky energy even for good people in the afterlife much as it is in the dream world. 

For people to have gone through overcome and triumphed through all kinds of challenges and inconveniences in life only to go to a heaven with no challenges and inconveniences defeats the purpose of having gone through those challenges and inconveniences and it defeats the purpose of heaven if it's a place where there are no further challenges and inconveniences to overcome and thus enable the spirit to grow further. Having challenges and inconveniences and overcoming them is what makes the spirit grow. A heaven with no challenges and inconveniences leads to intellectual and spiritual stagnation. 

This is just guesses. I don't know nor does anyone else including religion, psychics and near death experiencers really know what happens in the afterlife. 

Religion, psychics and near death experiencers are money making rackets that live off of people greatest fear and that is what happens after death. 

If people going through a life review are extra sensitive to the thoughts and feelings of others around them concerning the effects of their actions on others, then are people who are psychic going through a life review now but mistaking it for ordinary life? So in the midst of our regular lives are there those who are not living an ordinary life but going through a life review simultaneously during the time that the rest of us are living normal lives? I often wondered that. 

There are so many religions that teach so many different things about what happens after death such as heaven hell purgatory limbo reincarnation or else no reincarnation. Just pick any one religion and go with it. As long as a religion teaches a person to be good, that's all it needs to do. Any claims that any religion knows what happens after death is just bullshit and window dressing. How can a religion know that which is unknowable? 

Although they all claim to, no religion, cult, sect or denomination has the monopoly on truth nor do any of them really know what happens after death. I guess we'll all find out one day sooner or later. 

I don't fully trust religion just like I don't fully trust the medical industry. As far as the medical industry is concerned you are just as well off doing your own research and self medicating. A lot of doctors really don't know what they're talking about. So many times I've seen nurses put on my handicapped ladyfriends knee brace wrong and so many do a terrible incompetent job at it. After seeing that I would never advise myself or anyone else to place their lives and health in the hands of the medical industry. The medical industry is largely bullshit. Sometimes they do a good job but just as often they do a lousy and terrible job. Trust in the medical industry st your own risk and that's speaking from experience. Don't take my word for it. Give it a go yourself and you will find out. 

Wednesday, May 18, 2022

My ear rumbling problem is over. It's completely gone. I went to London Drugs and got liquid ear wax remover. I followed the instructions. A few hours later, try as I might, I couldn't induce the previous ear crunching noise in my left ear. This is a red letter day. 

Of course I thought it was going to get worse and I'd either have to get ear surgery or lose hearing in one ear and perhaps even die from this. My imagination went into overtime. I thought it wouldn't go away for months at least. 

The liquid ear wax remover has a transparent colorless color like water. When I drained my ear, the liquid was yellow. It was deep built in impacted ear wax. Good thing I didn't pay for Otovent or the more expensive Eustachi. Those things would have done nothing. 

That doctor at the Walk In Clinic prescribed me beclomethasone which of course does nothing. These doctors often don't know what they're doing. It's not so much the sugar pills that doctors prescribe that are the placebo. It's the doctors themselves who are the placebo. They act and look like doctors but they are powers with some half assed medical degree or else they claim to a medical prowess that they don't have. There are 10,000 diseases and German medicine claims that's there are 40,000 diseases. How could doctors know all the diseases? Even with medical textbooks, even with differential diagnoses, they don't always know what they're doing yet they will amorally still receive money for their substandard diagnoses. I self medicated myself and solved my own problem. In this case, the score is Me 1 Doctors 0.

The liquid ear wax remover is Dr Neil's so I would credit Dr Mehta for coming up with the formula. The liquid ear wax remover comes in 2 parts. The secret patented liquid cerumen melter and the follow up saline spray. 

When Heather moves to her new place that's more like a condo, I'll visit her. I would miss her otherwise. I feel regret that I griped so many times over the years. I thought that my working for her would never end. I thought I might have to work for her 7 days a week for the next 5, 10, 20 years. 

Most of the time, I'll visit for awhile but once in a while, I'd stay overnight. I don't know how often I'll visit her because I don't usually visit people who don't live in my apartment building, heck even people who do live in my apartment building. I mostly keep to myself. 

Heather will live in social housing. Meanwhile I live in a single room rooming house apartment. I've lived in single rooms for all of my adult life. I see this will be my fate for the next 20 years unless I somehow get into social housing too. 

Thursday, May 19, 2022

Word ladder:

DownTown East Side leads to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder:

DTES - - - - > ETSD - - - - > PTSD

Parts of Vancouver have really let itself go. 

I don't trust in the human species and I see the World as getting worse not better. I wouldn't want to be a father to bring anyone into this World even on an intellectual level let alone a physical World. 

Humans should not colonize Mars. The human species is a disease that should not be exported to any other planet. It is a vulgar unevolved delinquent species full of red flags that has run its home planet into the ground. I really don't believe in the human species. Damn the human species. 

Update: Apparently the block in front of Tellier Tower got cleaned up and hosed down. Power washers showed up. There is no sign of the tent city there today. It looks surreal from what it was even yesterday. What a miracle. I saw this on Debbie Hellion's YouTube channel. 

This eases my anxiety quite a bit as I had anxiety all day. Today was a rough day for me in terms of anxiety. 

When one is young, they're naive enough to believe that there could be a better town elsewhere. There are no better towns. All towns are traps and  fishbowl existences full of delinquent people. 

Life is a defective algorithm. Life starts with trauma and ends with trauma with plenty of trauma in between. Birth is a traumatic experience. Death is a traumatic experience. And life is a traumatic experience. 

Some species only have offspring when they're old or else in the last half of their life. Humans have children in the first half of their life. There would be a lot less people if humans had children in the last half of their life. It is only in the last half of their life that they realize how terrible and awful and full of shit life is. Every town is a trap full of delinquent people of all classes. Humans will rip each other off like how I uploaded cartoons to YouTube while other people are making money off of it. This happens to all kinds of artists and writers. When a painting gets sold at a garage sale or flea market or when a book gets sold at a secondhand bookstore does the artist or writer get any royalties from that? Flea markets and secondhand bookstores have made fortunes ripping off artists and writers. Even libraries get their government funding and overdue charges but again its an industry that makes its money while ripping off writers. 

In the first half of life when one is young enough to have children they are still naive enough to believe that life is magical and that there could be better places of better futures. Old age is the great betrayer. There is no better future for anyone once one gets past 50. There are no better towns. There are either backwater shithole towns or large sprawling cities and a faster pace of life full of stress and trauma. 

Pastor Joel Osteen and Douglas Bloch have good hearts but I don't know if I believe when they say that the best is yet to come and that I will have a good future. I fear the future more than anything. I don't see how I could have a good future. 

- My mother had a golden opportunity to abort me and she missed it. 

- It's a tragedy that my mother didn't abort me. 

- My mother really screwed up my life when she didn't abort me.

- My mother didn't abort me and my life hasn't been the same ever since. 

- My mother didn't abort me and if I ended my life now 52 years later that would be another kind of abortion. That's a long time to wait between abortions. 

- Would it be to say that even in the maternity ward at the hospital that my mother would be expected to perform her own abortion? It would depend on what Province she was in and what type of medical coverage she had. 

- I respect my mother but I would respect her more had she aborted me. 

It seems that whatever choice I make is a lose lose situation. If I stay in this town it's a lose situation if I move to another town, it also a lose situation. If I stay single that's bleak and depressing but marriage and or children is also a bleak and depressing situation. Commitment issues. 

It's not all bad. The human species isn't all bad. If anyone got supported for decades on welfare or if anyone gets an inspiring life hanging video on YouTube or even the video of the year for them, that's also a result of the human species. Good movies are a result of the human species. Good movies like Dune. 

The app spot the differences requires a person to spot 5 or 10 differences between two pictures. It's about focus. The differences represent the good things in life and the things that are the same represent the bad things in life. Focus and pick out the good things in life. 

The improper way to play it is to see the differences between the two pictures representing the bad things in life and the things that are the same representing the good things in life and that one is always picking out and focusing on the bad things in life. I often play this way instead of the other way hence my fear and despair and depression as I go through life. 

Today I went to the market and got some Danish blue cheese and also some Sleepy Time extra tea. The extra tea has valerian root. 

In the afternoon, I went with Heather to get some bubble tea at one place and then pizza at another place. 

The situation in Shanghai China is at a crisis point. Due to China's zero covid policy, people in Shanghai are forced to stay in their apartments without even going out for food. Even if someone on a certain floor in their apartment buildings tests positive for covid, the entire floor is sent away to a quarantine center with Police in white hazmat suits kicking in doors and forcibly sending people to the quarantine centers. This is like the Gulag Archipelago but with facemask and hazmat suits and instead of being sent to the Lubyanka, people are sent to quarantine centers. 

I've heard of Shanghai Surprise but this is ridiculous! 

Shanghai was once known as the Venice of China or else the Coney Island of China. It was a seaside bastion of paradise. 

Compared to the civil war that China had in the last century as well as the Cultural Revolution which had the slogan Let the flowers bloom, Let the dragons walk which really meant Let the dissidents be purged, Let the people be killed, this is relatively mild. 

Other places in Asia like Taiwan has a Learn to Live with Covid policy as does most places on the planet. Taiwan doesn't have the cruel policies as China. But Taiwan doesn't have the huge population as well as population density that China has as China is smaller than Canada but has about 36 times the population of Canada. Population of China 1,402,0000,000 ÷ population of Canada 38,010,000 = 36.88

China has the largest population of any country in the World. 

Shanghai is loosening restrictions somewhat as some neighborhoods allow people to go shopping for food at selected times. 

Hopefully the harder the tough times the bigger the party that is to follow until more new tough times of another variety follows. Life is a cycle of good times, bad times, good times, bad times, more good times etc

The tent city in Vancouver has de facto moved to Hastings Street particularly in the area around the front of Tellier Tower which is a social housing unit. Inside, the apartments are choice social housing unit dwellings but just outside looks like a demilitarized zone with delinquency ever on the rise. But it's not as bad as it appears to be as even old Chinese people with walkers walk through there routinely without fear. 

The people there could start a petition and apply as a group to City Hall to get the city to create an injunction to end the tent city there or else all it takes is a couple of people to be killed at the tent city there then the Police would move in and force them to relocate to who knows where as this is what happened with the tent city at Strathcona Park on Prior Street and with the tent city at Oppenheimer Park too. 

Until then, the people at the current tent city on Hastings Street have a Constitutional right to stay there. 

Yes Theory has a video about someone who lived with Wolves for 72 Hours. This was at a wolf enclosure compound. The video said that President Trump took wolves off of the endangered species list and were thus hunted to near extinction but under President Biden wolves had recently been put back on the endangered species list except in Utah, Wyoming and Montana. The video said that wolves threatened and created hazards in lands that corporations want. 

But weren't wolves hunted for centuries before corporations were around? Wolves have always threatened livestock and even people. 

"You wouldn't want to go up there. There nothing around but cold and ice and snow and trees. You would be be only fresh meat around there. They'll come after you son. Just for the ugly fun of tearing you apart." Never Cry Wolf, movie

In Stanley Park in Vancouver, some coyotes aggressive to people had been culled. Now Stanley Park is creating fenced off areas as some coyotes are denning and the mother coyotes will chase away any people who are too near the dens of where young coyotes are. I think that Stanley Park tolerates the coyotes as coyotes discourage too many people deciding to pitch a tent there and live there year round. 

Not only wolves but dozens of species are endangered. To focus on wolves aka canis lupus is to just focus on one species and ignore the rest. 

I am still feeling low grade anxiety due to getting hung up on small details and also catastrophizing about the future and overthinking. I think I'll have anxiety for life. I probably won't be one of the cheerful old people. Old age is hitting me hard. My brain is wired for anxiety. May God help me. 

There is a YouTube channel called Streets of Vancouver. Today on May 19 he did a video that he usually does, one of him driving through the streets of the downtown eastside. He drove past Hastings Street in front of Tellier Tower just before the streets got power washed. In the video someone gave him the middle finger with both hands as well there were other angry faces looking right at the camera, right at his car. This means that they're on to him. I'm worried that the next time those people in the street could throw a rock through his car window or worse, a Molotov cocktail which is illegal in Canada under the criminal code. 

Also in the video was a crow flying past which was supernatural. And it was also probably a bad omen. I don't know... 

I hope that Streets of Vancouver stays safe. 

Streets of Vancouver replied to me on YouTube. He said that there are rough people in downtown eastside Vancouver but his car has 6 cameras so anyone attacking him would jeopardize their street freedom as well as bring in Police involvement and they don't want that. He also that the crow was his Brandon Lee escort. 

His car has 6 cameras? What does he drive, the Bat-mobile? Not even the Bat-mobile has 6 cameras!

About 1 week to go until Obi-Wan the new Disney plus TV series. I think it will be pretty good. I hope that Obi-Wan uses the lightsaber well. That's what I'm wanting to see. I hope it brings to me the spirit and courage of adventure. I hope it can inspire me to travel. I had anxiety and PTSD last year and it took away my courage to travel but not so much that I didn't go to Vancouver which I did on April 28. 

During my next trip to Vancouver I might stay at a hostel. My only worry is that hostels are notorious for some people like me who like to sleep at midnight quietly while others come in at 3 am after clubbing and they are drunk and loud. One lady I spoke to said she didn't like the idea of sharing a room with 3 other women as women can be militant and she didn't want to be punched in the face. I thought ladies were more demure than that. To my knowledge, women aren't exactly known for punching each other in the face often or even regularly even at hostels where they have 4 to a room. 

Hostels offer a choice of single gender or a coed room. I don't care which room I get except that coed rooms have been known to have men and women getting it on right there in the hostel room. A hostel is a borstal, not a brothel! I heard of from the borstal to the bowery, but from the borstal to the brothel?! I guess that works too! Too bad I have sex anxiety and too bad that I lost my sex drive at age 51 otherwise I'd be getting it on at the hostel too. The thought of having sex at a hostel gives me anxiety. 

I think it has to be done on the sly because if the hall monitor catches people having sex at the brothel, I mean the hostel, they'd be evicted or at least told to stop. "Stop it! People can hear you half way down the hall! Some are even recording the sounds on their iPhones for goodness sake and uploading it to Instagram!" 

Friday, May 20, 2022

Today I went to Holland Point Park again. And then I went to Beacon Hill Park. Just about every day is the same. Holland Point Park and then walk to Beacon Hill Park. 

Today, I waited with Heather for a taxi that was to take her to the doctors. The taxi never showed up.

After, while I was washing her cooking pot, I accidentally dropped a screw that held one of her pot lid handles down the sink. The pot lid handle sometimes has roaches in it. I have to remove it to get rid of the roaches. I should have known that the screw would fall into the drain. I went to a hardware store to get her a replacement screw. 

Saturday, May 21, 2022

I went to Holland Point Park. There were purple camas flowers there. These flowers aren't always there.

I also went to visit Emily Carr House and I took a few photos of the James Bay Inn. 

Sunday, May 22, 2022

I wake up with fear every day. Today is no exception. The only reward I get for living through a day of fear is yet another day of fear tomorrow. I wonder how I'm going to live the next 20 years. All I ever have is fear fear fear. 

"Be aware of not liking something that happened to you because it might be good for you. But your limited view of your life doesn't allow you to see that." 

Ammar Kandil, Yes Theory, I Jumped The World's Most Extreme Skydive, YouTube. Ammar quoted from the Koran

" Anxiety is what you feel. Calm is who you are. " Confucius

Today I went to Church. Twice. Once for the morning service. Twice for the afternoon choir song. I had to go twice otherwise I'd just wind up being in my room all day. I like to go to Holland Point Park but not on all 7 days of the week. I often change it up and go someplace different. 

At lunch I had a steak and avocado sub from Subway. This is what I ate when I was at UBC in Vancouver. The SUB at UBC has a Subway. 

A little more than one week to go and I'll be through with the working working working 7 days a week for dear Heather. She will move to another place. I am uncertain of the future. If I visit her at her new place, I'd eventually be drawn in and on the hook for more work work work. But if I don't visit her, she might fall apart. I doubt it. She's very resourceful and smart. That new place she will be moving to is an area that I don't often go to. I don't know how often I'd be visiting her because I am not in the habit of visiting people who live elsewhere. The future is so uncertain. 

Last night I had a dream where someone, a man called me a Prince. 

Then this morning, I went on the computer to get some photos for the blog entry of this month talking about the purple lilacs at Holland Point Park. When I was uploading the pictures to Blogger, in the process some random photos were pulled up randomly. These random photos included my dream drawings of when the Thai Princess called me a Prince in a dream I had years ago. This is a sign! Signs like that are not to be ignored. 

Monday, May 23, 2022

"You can pay a doctor to say anything." William S Burroughs

Doctors like Dr Bonnie Henry are saying that the covid vaccine is good. It's a vaccine but then again it isn't. 

"The protected need to be protected from the unprotected by forcing the unprotected to use the protection that didn't protect the protected."

YouTuber Jake Tran has a video about Nestle: The Most Evil Company. 

In the video he said that propaganda in the forum of doctors said that formula milk is just as good if not better than breast milk. Actually as explained in the video, formula milk is a lot worse. 

In the 50s doctors said that smoking is healthy. Smoking isn't that healthy at all. 

I don't trust doctors. Many times they prescribed me shit that didn't solve my problem at all yet they got paid. Seeing a doctor is like playing the lottery. If you have a good result, it's indeed a miracle. 

I'm glad I never had any children as a father. I don't trust doctors. 

Oftentimes I figured out the solution to my medical problems after seeing doctors that prescribed me shit that simply didn't work. This happened to me a lot. 

The website BChealthmatters.com is trying to get everyone in BC access to a regular family doctor. The News says not everyone in BC has access to a doctor. They say that like it's a bad thing. Doctors are placebos. So in result  you get a placebo prescribing a placebo. Doctors are assholes who don't know what they're talking about a lot of the time and will prescribe you shit that winds up not working. I hate those fucking quack doctors. They don't know much more than I do about medical issues which is not much. Doctors make life not worth living. I'm sure a lot of people especially in Google reviews about any given doctor will say that doctors suffer from the Dunning Kruger effect. They think they're smart when they're really idiots. 

Don't take my word for it. Visit a doctor the next time you have a medical issue and see how far you get. Read Google reviews about any given doctor and you will read a lot of sad stories about doctor medical incompetence. Doctors are shit. Doctors make life that much less worth living. 

My ENT doctor prescribed me fucidin Leo antibiotic cream which has done nothing for my nose. He said my ear problem was a result of a eustachian tube problem. A senior doctor at a walk in said my ear problem was a result of excess mucus in my nasal sinuses and prescribed me beclomethasone. After using beclomethasone for about a week which did nothing, I wondered if it actually was a problem with impacted earwax. I went to London Drugs and got Dr Neil's liquid earwax remover and that did it. My ENT doctor and the doctor at the walk in clinic was full of shit. Guessers. They were just guessing. Yet they still got paid for their bullshit diagnosis. Damn them! I don't trust doctors one bit. 

A few years ago I had chronic painful muscle cramps. A doctor prescribed me cyclobenzaprine which did nothing. I accidentally experimented and discovered that simply stretching my muscles using muscle stretches that I figured out worked. Another story of a shit doctor who didn't know what the fuck he was talking about. Don't have any children. The human species should be discontinued. 

Actually, that doctor did suggest stretching but I glossed over it for awhile. 

Damn most doctors. The doctors who are good and who know what they're doing are very few and far in between. 

Those doctors who looked at me will never read this anyways. 

YouTube has video called The Truth About The Medical Industry. The video said that John D Rockefeller found out that there was more money to be made in managing diseases rather than curing them. He placed an emphasis on allopathic medicine while holistic and homeopathic medince practices were forced out of business. The medical industry is a for profit corporation. They are probably sitting on cures for cancer and Aids and would prefer to treat the diseases for years or decades without actually curing the diseases just like they're sitting on the patents for free energy so that cars can run without costly gasoline and electric cars. The World is evil. I believe that it's a hostile Universe in answer to Einstein's question "Is this a friendly or a hostile Universe?" A quasar emits a deadly beam about a thousand times more energy than all the stars in a galaxy put together. A supernova that is the deadliest ever discovered called ASASSN 15LH has a temperature of 100 billion Kelvin. The Earth has a temperature of 288 Kelvin.  The sun has a temperature of 15 million degrees Kelvin at the core and 6, 000 Kelvin at the surface. And there are rogue black holes traveling at 3 million mph.* That should give you an idea of how hostile the Universe is. The Universe is a hostile shitshow. 

*source: 25 Scary But True Space Facts. Factomenal. YouTube

Not suicidal nor asking God to kill me but on the day I die, I will be relieved. Life was never really worth living all that much to me. Life is full of fear uncertainty depression and society is full of delinquent people. You generate one kind of energy and the forces of life will often return it with another and worse kind of energy in the form of delinquent people. Life isn't worth living especially after age 50, in my experience. Only the good die young. 

Not sure if I really believe in heaven. I'm bound to find out one day. I think that when a person dies, they go to the place that they most often visited in their night time dreams. Religion is a money making racket which I only partially believe. A World which there is a God taking care of us doesn't make sense and there's no evidence for that. But a World where there is no God looking after us also doesn't make sense and there's also no evidence for that. Going to Church gives me good vibes, Sunday vibes and when I choose to donate to the collection plate, the following week, something good always happens to me or else I'm superstitious. 

I'm worried about the future. It is so uncertain. I'm a mess. I smoke tobacco and look at granny porn. I'm a wretched person. This means I won't ever get married. But getting married means commitment issues. It's a lose lose situation. 

Tuesday, May 24, 2022

I saw Suzie today. She is a sweet lady. I am under no illusion. Suzie is a friend. She is in no way a future girlfriend. For me to even think that would be completely delusional. The only thing is, having a good friend like Suzie is better than having no good friend like Suzie at all. 

Today me and Suzie and Carol saw a crazy drugged out lady sitting in the middle of the road wearing only a bikini. Several people asked her to get off the road. She merely spitted on the ground in response. A few seconds later a firetruck pulled up. Firemen got her to get up off the road. She bent over and as she was wearing only a thong, I saw her and she looked sexy. I may be old but I'm not blind. Then a few minutes later a Police car pulled up and the Police were talking to her. 

Today I wheeled Heather to the Starbucks outside the Legislative Building. Then I wheeled her to see the sea planes. This is her last week with me before she moves away to another place. At her new place I don't know how often or seldom that I'll visit her. I thought I would take her on a good outing. Otherwise she's stuck in her room 24 hours a day and that is something I can not bear to think about. 

I do good things or else I try to not because I believe that I'll go to heaven because of it. I'm not sure if heaven exists. I think that a person either goes to the place they go to most often in their dreams or else a person's mind just shuts off all together once the brain stem shuts off and then all is darkness. Religions and psychics claim to know that heaven exists but they really don't know. Religion starts an industry where they tell people that there is heaven to assuage peoples fear of death. Meanwhile they tell people how to live their life in some cases down to the smallest detail and then they collect money and donations. They claim to know that heaven exists in the afterlife but they don't know and they don't care. They are amoral when it comes to this. I try to be a good person because it's good energy and it is sensible. But I don't know how good of a person I am. I have issues. I look at weird granny porn I don't know why maybe because I am demented and I smoke tobacco. I don't know anything. I live each day with a modicum of fear. Maybe I can be an adventure hero again like the Mandalorian or a Jedi Knight or Indiana Jones or Deadpool or Tyler Durden of Fight Club. 

I live in a fishbowl existence. Going to Vancouver only enlergens it slightly but it's still a fishbowl existence. I don't have the money nor the courage nor a reason to travel to London England. Why should I even think of traveling to London? No one else of my income bracket or lack thereof thinks of traveling to London. Why that's crazy! 

Today, someone told me that I'm a good egg. 

Donald Fagen's The Nightfly is one of my favorite albums. 

There is the original LP record then it was released on CD. Stevie Wonder said that the CD version sounded worse than the original LP. 

Then in 1983 the first MFSL Mobile Fidelity Sound Lab LP was released. This sounds better than the original LP.

In 2017 the second MFSL LP was released and there were only 6,000 copies made. This sounds even better than the first MFSL LP. The sound quality of this is the best experience of all of this album.*

I wonder or else doubt if YouTube will ever release a video that faithfully reproduces the 2nd MFSL sound of this album. 

The second MFSL LP of this album usually sells for several hundred dollars. Very pricey. 

To experience this MFSL album properly, you would need a Marantz brand record player. This is the best record player of all. I found this out when I watched American Pickers on TV the other day. I rarely ever watch TV. I usually only watch YouTube so me seeing that episode is a miracle. The you would need Bose speakers. 

Regular records have a lacquer - father - mother - stamper - vinyl layers. 

MFSL records have the lacquer - convert - vinyl layers. Removing the other layers removes added filters which somewhat muffles the sound. 

Even then the Nightfly only has 5 songs that I really like: 1. Ruby Baby 2. Walk Between The Raindrops 3. The Nightfly 4. The Goodbye Look 5. Green Flower Street

The other songs are still very good. 

The Nightfly is an autobiographical album. 

The Nightfly is about a radio disc jockey who works the night shift at a radio station at the foot of Mount Belzoni. The broadcasting antenna would be at a high point on the top of the mountain. 

New Frontier is about having a party in a bomb shelter that was popular in the 50s. "Let's pretend that it's the real thing." is a reference to pretending that there is a real disaster for the party in a bomb shelter. 

*source: hifinews.com

If I am to predict my future, I see myself as alone, on welfare, staying in a rooming house and never getting married. I will also get a Darwin Award. I see myself only living for another 20 years or so or else to around 70. 

The bump of hard snot scarring in my left nostril hasn't gone away and I think I'll die from it in less than ten years. About 7 doctors including an ENT doctor all said it's nothing serious and not to worry. A person with health anxiety such as me just about never believes doctors. 

Fortune telling is an ANT or else an automatic negative thought. Who knows the future? No one has a crystal ball. A lot of people have said that the future will be better than I imagine. 

The next time I have a health issue I'll refuse to see any doctors. Any suggestion to see a doctor, I will reply to with, "Doctors have gotten it wrong so many times. So many times I have been prescribed things that simply didn't work." If it is serious and I do relent to see a doctor, I will say, "I feel great fear and distrust of doctors. So many times they prescribed things to me that simply didn't work and to be honest, I think that I'll be dead soon. Would you be needing to euthanize me?" 

Wednesday, May 25, 2022

I went to Walmart today. The adult size nasal saline spray was sold out. I got the children's nasal saline spray. What's the difference? 

I also got vanilla rooibos tea. 

I went to Burger King with Heather. 

I spent the rest of the day in my apartment. I needed to rest. 

Thursday, May 26, 2022

Today I walked to the beach. Not quite to the beach, to the seashore. 

I'm thinking of visiting Vancouver for a few days. I'll be staying at a hostel. 

I might visit the Vancouver aquarium. 

That's as far as I go. I doubt I'd ever visit London England. 

If I visit Vancouver, I might visit Debbie Hellion and the Apocalypse. I'm a fan of her work on YouTube. 

I don't know if I'd even make it to 60. Nothing in life is guaranteed. I have to visit Vancouver while I'm still alive to do it. Vancouver is one of the best cities on the planet. So visiting Vancouver would be a great idea. 

I've lived in Vancouver for over 30 years at one time. It's not as challenging as visiting a city I've never been to before. 

My suggestion for visiting Vancouver. There's no accounting for taste. 

Day 1. Arrive at Stadium Skytrain station. Visit the Downtown Eastside. However crappy your neighborhood is, after visiting the downtown Eastside, you will see that you can survive anything. Go to Chinatown for lunch.*

Then walk through the Strathcona neighborhood. It has a lot of fine turn of the century 1899 - 1900 houses. Visit Oppenheimer Park area. Then walk through Gastown. 

*Go to Chinatown for lunch. I would personally recommend either Kent's kitchen, or Kam Gok Yuen; Gold Chrysanthemum Garden or else Gain Wah. 

Then visit Granville Street and Georgia and Howe ie The Art Gallery grounds. Then go to Vanier Park and then Granville Island. Then go to your hotel and book a room. Then go to UBC to explore. 

Day 2. Hang out at UBC all day. Visit the Museum of Anthropology. 

Day 3. Go to Stanley Park and see the Vancouver Aquarium. Hang out on Robson Street and visit English Bay too. If you get a chance, ride on the Seabus to North Van. Lonsdale Quay market. Get sushi and a pepperoni stick. See a movie in Vancouver. Go to Pacific Centre Mall food court and have either Pho or else chow mein. 

Day4. Go to Vanier Park. Go to Museum of Vancouver and Maritime Museum. 

Go to UBC again. Hang out there again. Visit Trail 3. And go to Wreck Beach Trail 6. Don't be too nude for too long. 

Day 5. Go to Vanier Park again. Visit Les Amis du Fromage and get some cheese. I would recommend Stilton cheese and brie too. Hang out on Granville Street for awhile. Go to London Drugs to get Restful Sleep tea with Valerian root for your anxiety. Then return back to your home. 

I would suggest staying at a hostel or else Salvation Army Belkin House if you're strapped for cash and don't have a credit card. 

Friday, May 27, 2022

Change it to 3 days. 

Day 1. Lunch at Chinatown. Kent's Kitchen. Tour Strathcona neighbourhood. Oppenheimer Park. Gastown. Forget the DTES. Check in at hostel. Then visit UBC. 

Day 2. Forget the Vancouver Aquarium. $42 admission fee is too steep. I'm not made of money. Just ride the Seabus which is included with the compass card. Lunch again in Chinatown. Hang out at Granville St. Then more UBC again. 

I wouldn't do a video of the Vancouver Aquarium as there are already enough videos on YouTube. 

Day 3. Visit Vanier Park. Go to Museums. Visit Granville Island. Forget the cheese shop. Apart from specific brands, the cheese shop doesn't offer any that isn't available in this town. The basic cheeses like Stilton and brie, this brand, that brand, there isn't that much of a difference. Or go to the cheese shop. Forget Island brie. I saw Comox brie somewhere. That's pretty much the same thing. Made on Vancouver Island brie. Cheese is a good souvenir from Vancouver. Unfortunately it doesn't last long. Only about half a week. Get a book if you're into reading. YouTube videos and apps from Google play have ruined my patience for reading books. I've read books that took me over a week to read only to find out that it's a crap book. 

I may or may not go to Vancouver. I kind of don't feel like it. I have always wanted to stay at that particular hostel though. Jericho Hostel near the beach. It's at a prime and heavenly location. Try to get a private room. Sleeping four in a room dorm would be awful. There are worse experiences. Sleeping on a plane is 200 in a room and you don't get a bed, only a chair. 

I thought that visiting Vancouver would bring me bliss. But what if it doesn't? Then it'd be a waste of money. 

It's a change of pace and a change of scene from this fishbowl existence. And I would spend the rest of the year looking back on a fun holiday. Memories to last a lifetime. 

Going on an adventure is like Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones went on another level of adventure. He didn't merely visit towns he lived in before for years. He often went to towns he never went to before. That's a real adventure. I don't have the courage nor patience for that. Vancouver is a proven paradise. I'd like to live there again one day if I could find a place in a good neighborhood. I don't see that I ever would. I see a grim future for myself. 

This morning I woke up in fear. What else is new?

I went to a Mexican food shop and got an empanada. I even spoke Spanish a little bit with the shop owner or else worker. I don't know. It was good. I even added green hot sauce with it. The only Spanish words I said were "Si, por favor." and "De nada." when she said "Gracias". That's pretty much the extent of my Spanish. 

I saw ObiWan Kenobi episode 1 and 2. It was good. 

“You don't have to worry. You're not going to die... today." Reva, Obi Wan Kenobi

Today I saw Wonder Woman 1984 on DVD. It's a great movie. Pedro Pascal stars as a man who gets a stone that can grant wishes. In the movie, he becomes the stone that can grant anyone any wish. But it's like The Monkeys Paw. Any wish comes at a cost. Wonder Woman has to stop him. It's a great movie. 

Speaking of wishes and their costs, I would never want to be rich. Being rich can come with bad consequences. If a person is rich they get a car. But that car can get into an accident or else they can experience firsthand that there are a lot of careless and irate drivers they have to share the road with. Being rich, a person can travel. But travel brings about the chance to meet awful people and being overwhelmed with what to get and what not to get. Rich means having a million dollars. For years before I wished I was a millionaire. But being a millionaire can bring about panic attacks. I would rather be poor but comfortable than to be rich. If one was a millionaire, they can get a credit card with a $10,000 limit. Then stay at nice hotels and then pay it off when the vacation is over. If I had a million dollars, I would stay at the Pan Pacific Hotel in Vancouver at $350 a night. That's not the best room. The best room would be about $1,000 a night or over. That room would include a private swimming pool. What if I don't swim in the pool the whole time? That would be a waste of money. Even if I was a millionaire, I'd still eat at Chinese restaurants in Chinatown. And I would still eat at food courts at the mall. There's no way I'd get a million dollars. Through what vector? Even all my cartoons on YouTube wouldn't bring me a million dollars. That was my ideal for getting me money at one time. It was just something that never worked out. I thought my writing would make me a millionaire at one time. Oh well that's life. Most writers, even a lot of University professors aren't millionaires. 

Even millionaires must one day grow old and die. 

"All paths of glory lead but to the grave." Thomas Gray

I meditated today. Meditation makes a person feel good. I practice zen meditation or else what passes for it. Books at the Library can teach a person how to practice zen meditation. I should meditate more often. When I don't meditate for a long time, I feel anxiety and depression. 

Saturday, May 28, 2022

I guess I believe in God through lack of anything better. If Christianity is the truest religion, why are there so many religions? Does God only help Christians or all people of all religions even atheists and agnostics too? 

The premise is that God helps humans and humans have an afterlife job being a spirit guide to humans living in future generations. What happened before humans and what happens after humans are gone from this Earth? 

Religions have an anthropomorphic God and religions is so anthropocentric. 

If God's main job is to help humans, then He must have and must will spend a lot of time fiddling his thumbs. The breakdown is that the Universe is 13.7 billion years old. The Earth is 4.5 billion years old. Humans have been around for 300, 000 years or prorated to a 24 hour clock, 1 second. 

J Richard Gott said that humans will be around for another 7,800,000 years although in 2003 Martin Rees said that there is a 50% chance that humanity will end in the 21st Century; this century.  - I believe that! The world and life and the human species is getting worse. Life is not worth living. I would give life 2 stars out of 5. Life is full of anxiety, worry, bad surprises, awful people. Having children would be a mistake mainly for them. Anyone who has children simply hasn't thought things out and are idiots. 

If humans who have diedare to be a spirit guide to future generations, this job expires in 7,800,000 years at most. What then? 

The Earth is expected to last another 7.5 billion years before our sun becomes a red giant and swallows the Earth. But humans live on in the afterlife for eternity which is a lot longer than 7.8 million years and even 7.5 billion years. What then? Eventually it all becomes pointless and even an eternity in the afterlife loses its magic and becomes pointless and God would then just be twiddling his thumbs for all eternity. Followed to its Cartesian logical ultimate, religion is a tautological teleological thought experiment and control system for people who really haven't thought things through. 

Why do I go to Church and believe in Jesus? I don't know. Jesus is from the bronze age. As Bill Maher said in Religulous, "Can you think of anything else that we still cleave to from the bronze age?"

Eternity bothers me. Time has no beginning and no end. Time is eternal. That means even a quintillion times a billion times a billion years existed in the past and will exist in the future. What does it look like in those times? 

This is the golden era because in those other times you'd be fucked. The Bible says that we, human souls, live for eternity after death. Eternity even dwarfs a quintillion times a billion times a billion years. That's a freakin' long time to exist. What would we be doing then? And then eternity goes on for another quintillion times a billion times a billion years after that, at least. Again, is eternity a concept that has been fully thought through or is it just a model of temporal rhetoric? 

I guess I go to Church and believe in Jesus because I'm bored and depressed and old and don't see that there's anything better for the mind. Atheism doesn't help. Atheism can lead to burnout and a nervous breakdown and PTSD. The premise even if completely mythological, I love God, Thank God for the gift of life, life is sacred, life is good, God is good, do good, be good to others is a psychologically healthy and optimistic way to live. 

"Nature abhors a vacuum." Aristotle

"If God didn't exist it would be necessary for man to invent him." Voltaire

Doing good for others is good energy for the present moment. Whether good karma will result from that or whether I will go to heaven or even if there is a heaven I honestly don't know. All I have is Christianity's word on it. There is no empirical evidence that there is a heaven. Or that God loves and helps people. Only hearsay evidence. If God loves people and helps them, why didn't He help the people of Ukraine and Shanghai and other trouble spot places etc? Why didn't God help those people who died on the Titanic? 

God is very selective in who He helps, I guess. Of course religion has an answer for everything. They just make it up as they go along. 

I give life 2 stars out of 5 and I give religion 3 stars out of 5. 

I'm probably better off dead. 

God grants me life. Why I don't know. The body is intricate and complex and has a million parts some the size of half a walnut. If even one of some of these small but important parts were to fail, then the result is death. For example the pacemaker in the heart. I'm surprised that I wake up every morning and that I haven't died in my sleep. Why am I still alive for? God has a mission and plan and schedule for everyone in life. What's my schedule? 

Today I went to McDonald's with Heather. Then I walked to the Royal BC museum, visited it and returned. Last night I dreamed of a Royal person. He seemed more vivid and alive than people in this life. The King was wearing a white long sleeve t-shirt. Bronze skin and shining and young and slightly sweating even though he was in a darkened room. I won't say who it is. I'll keep that to myself. He died a few years ago. 

Why would a royal person appear in my dream so vividly? It's a mystery to me. I think I'm an unimportant nobody yet I get Royal dreams and often? 

Disney Plus Star Wars TV shows are just leeching off of and capitalizing from another person's in this case George Lucas' success. The damn wretched human species is good at that. Leeching off of others. 

It's like a soup. Soup tastes good. Name the ingredients. That's the original Star Wars movies. One of the ingredients is a carrot. Now talk about the life story of the farmer from whose farm that carrot came from. That's the new Disney Star Wars TV shows. Superfluous, extraneous. Franchise fatigue. More spurious ersatz bullshit. Whatever.... 

Tautological: Redundancy. Saying the same thing twice in a statement. 

For eg Abundance is adequate enough. 

Christianity: God created the Earth therefore He is here and always with you. 

Buddhism: The Buddha nature aka the bodhicitta is ubiquitous and everywhere in all that you see. 

Teleological: An apparent statement of a function of a thing. For eg A fork has prongs to spear food with. A spoon has a scoop to ladle up soup. Or else, Televisions and radios and radio waves were made to serve humans, and Christianity: Humans are created here on Earth to serve God. 

Buddhism: The crown chakra in a person's head is there so that they can become enlightened. Meditation is for the purpose of attaining enlightenment. 

The way Google and Microsoft works is that they make money selling your stuff back to you or else make money off of it themselves and ripping you off. The ultimate yuppie scam is if they pay the creator nothing. 

-They make money selling your stuff back to you. Example: Google photos will make a photo album off the pictures that they scooped off you on their cloud. "There is no cloud. It's just on someone else's computer." If you have a camera you get to keep your pictures to yourself. If you have Google photos on your tablet, Google automatically scoops your photos to their cloud which is sleazy. 

-The ultimate scam is to pay the creator nothing. Upload videos to YouTube. They can broadcast it all over the World, slap ads on it, and pay you nothing. You need a minimum of 1,000 subscribers but subscriber numbers can be withheld or suppressed. 

-They make money of you only to buy everything you own. For example a farmer uploads videos to YouTube or Microsoft. Microsoft makes money off the videos. The internet says that Bill Gates is buying a lot of farms. 

- All artists get ripped off. Even writers. Used bookstores make fortunes paying no royalties to authors. Libraries make a lot of money off overdue and lost items fees while paying no money to authors. Libraries run on a hybrid system, government subsidies and their own for profit corporation revenue model of overdue and lost item fees. YouTube makes money slapping their opportunistic ads in videos while paying uploaders nothing. 

The YouTubers who do make money are shills enticing people who haven't uploaded any videos before to upload videos thinking they have a chance to make money.

To say nothing about the sales of NFTs of YouTube videos while the creator of the content gets nothing. 

The government tolerates this because these methods are good at generating tax revenue. Content creators usually neither have the skill, the competence or willingness in terms of the energy to generate a lot of tax revenue to the government even to government in the form of Royalty. They sure want their cut. 

This systemic rip off on an industrial scale makes me want to give up on life altogether on an intellectual level. I wouldn't kill myself on a physical level. It's one thing when others put a death threat on me but it's another if I were to put a death threat on myself. I have health anxiety and suicide would be to create a medical crisis to have a panic anxiety attack about that is on another level. 

I would only casually wonder that if God were to end my life with me dying in my sleep, I would be somewhat ready for and somewhat welcome that. My life is in God's hands. If there is a God who actually helps people. I wonder about that. 

The other thing I would do is to strongly advise people not to  relate any content on the internet either writing nor videos nor artwork unless you fully know what you're getting into. It's too late for me. I thoroughly fucked up my life in this way. I'm a gold mine that the internet corporations ie Google, has ripped off. 

I'm just as well off if not better off dead and I hope that God kills me in my sleep. If I had the Wish Stone from the movie Wonder Woman 1984, I would wish that God kills me quickly gently and painlessly in my sleep as soon as possible. 

No one reads this blog anyways. 

There is Fair Trade coffee. Before, coffee nabobs at coffee fincas would rip off coffee farmers. With Fair Trade, coffee farmers are paid a better wage. 

With YouTube uploader particularly those from Canada such as myself, there is no Fair Trade, there is only Free Trade. Free Trade aka NAFTA is a deal that Canadian politicians drafted and implemented that benefits Americans more than Canadians. American moles under the guise of Canadian politicians did that. With Free Trade, Americans who own YouTube can get videos from Canadian uploader in Canada and not have to pay them. Free Trade gives American conglomerates unfettered access to Canadian real estate markets. Perhaps there will be Fair Trade practices applied to YouTube uploader like Hedera Hashgraph and Jam Tokens on tune.fm but not today. It's a sad state of affairs but I won't give up on life. It's not all about money. Having a lot of money can sometimes create more and new problems in a person's life. If a person already has an anxiety disorder, more money certainly won't take away the anxiety. More money means "Now I have money. Should I travel to England or not?" = More anxiety. 

I saw SpiderMan No Way Home. It was not what I expected. I thought Dr Strange would use time travel to the past but he lost the Time Stone. He had a Memory Stone which he used to cast a spell to erase people's memory of SpiderMan is Peter Parker. Otherwise great movie. 3 SpiderMan actors were in that movie, Tobey McGuire, Andrew Garfield and Tom Holland. 

The movie talks about the multiverse. That's been a recurring trope in Marvel comics over the last few years. The multiverse wasn't talked about in Marvel comics in the 70s and 80s. Do Universities today talk about multiverses? So when a person dreams during sleep, do they travel to another dimension or to another Universe in the multiverse? Either way, it's a hell of a commute. Is it another dimension or another Universe in the multiverse in dreams? It's both. The entirety of that dimension comprises another Universe in the multiverse. 

Sunday, May 29, 2022

Proverbs 3:5  Trust in God and lean not on your own understanding. 

As long as you exist, existence anywhere, God is with you. No one exists in a vacuum. One is connected and one with all the energy of the Universe. The Universe is a web and you are a strand in that interconnected web. 

Life is not a problem to be endured. Life is an adventure to be enjoyed. 

"Is it a bad day or a bad five minutes that you milked all day?" - 25 Quotes About Bad Days

Today I went to the Emergency Room at the local hospital on advice from a retired nurse at the Church about the problem in my nose, the yellow scabbing hard snot bacterial infection. I went to the ER but left soon after as I decided that it wasn't worth it. It would have been a 4 hour wait at least maybe up to 7 hours. The website said only to go if there is pain, bleeding, shortness of breath, broken bones etc. Otherwise it gets triaged as low priority. 

Of course a lot of people go to a hospital only to leave no better off than they were when admitted. It's a gamble. Sometimes doctors can help. Other times they can't help. The best time to go is early morning like 5 am, 6 am etc.  I might give it another try. The retired nurse at the Church said to get an xray, biopsy or CT scan to find out what it is. 

On the way to the hospital today, I saw on the bus my friend who is Polish. She is a great lady. She gave me advice. As she left, I said to her, "Dziekuje za pomoc." I got that from Bald and Bankrupt on YouTube who speaks fluent Polish. I knew that meant "Thank you for your help." because I studied some Polish. She replied, "Prosze bardzo." Which means, "You're welcome." It was on the bus and other passengers were there at the time. I wonder if any of them knew I was speaking Polish. Seeing her was a miracle. 

I was thinking of visiting Vancouver this week or next week or before the days start getting shorter on June 21. I'm scared to go. Besides I only went last month. To go again so soon would be crazy. I'm not sure if I should visit Debbie Hellion to get a selfie with her. That would be crazier. She doesn't video herself on her videos ever meaning she might be reticent to show her face. She lives in a very rough part of town. Very rough. And who knows what mood she might be in. She is known to be argumentative. 

'Take the risk or lose the chance.' Adam J Bell, YouTube

I would post the selfie with her on this blog but no one reads this blog anyways. Why go out of my way, even to a rough place to post a selfie on a blog no one reads? Debbie Hellion lives at Teller Tower which the front of is profoundly rough. I'd otherwise plan to stay in Vancouver overnight, 2 or 3 nights at a hostel. Sharing a hostel room with 3 other people in bunk beds? I have second thoughts about that. Scary. 

Monday, May 30, 2022

Life is scary. 

Don't believe everything you think. The mind plays tricks on you. It overthinks, fortune tells, catastrophes, imagines, storytells and exaggerates. 

Women. Can't live without them, can't live with them. Women probably think that way about men. 

I think that when a woman sees me, all she sees are red flags. Heck, when I see myself, all I see are red flags. 

I don't like life enough and I don't believe in life enough ever to want to be a father. Life is scary and a hassle and trouble and full of anxiety. 

So many comments on Jake Trans channel say that he is on a hit list and would be killed for making the type of videos he does. I've never seen so many such comments on a person's YouTube channel. I would advise anyone not to get on YouTube. Mostly you do a video and get nothing in return for it. It's a waste of time. I don't like the way my internet career has turned out. There's no way to win on the Internet. If your career fizzles it's depressing. If you're successful, too many comments is scary and a hassle. If you get a million dollars on YouTube like some people have, too much money is overwhelming, a hassle, and can lead to anxiety. 

Would Jake Tran remain safe or not? 

I am... flawed and have lots of issues. My life is a mess. 

People are... lots of delinquent people. You generate one kind of energy only to get another and worse kind of energy in return. Wretched human species. 

The World is... getting worse all the time. Life is not worth living. I'm surprised that I'm still alive. Why hasn't God ended my life. Of course health is a funny thing. If a person is healthy it's expected that they'd still be alive. One only expects not to be alive if they're unhealthy. That would be scary. 

Life is scary. 

Where do we go when we die. No one knows. Probably another trouble dimension. Existence in any dimension, whether in this one or that one is a raw deal. Eventually, given eternity, heaven gets boring. You get heavened out. 

Heather moved out today. I love her so much. I tried to help her but it wasn't a perfect record because I groped and complained and felt anxiety a lot of the time. At one time I thought I'd have to be helping her 7 days a week for the next ten or twenty years. My mind works bizarrely. I call her Beebs. I would have called her Babe but Babe is the name of the pig in the movie Babe. 

"You'll see Jay again my friend." Peter Piper, Run DMC

You'll see Beebs again my friend which is what I tell myself. She is moving to a place just four blocks away. I can see her anytime. 

I think that life overall and the World is getting worse. Confirmation bias. This when I then cherry pick things that support this premise and gloss over things that suggest that life is getting better. 

Life isn't getting better. To live is counterproductive and counterefficient. I'm getting older. When one is a child, they couldn't wait to be 20. When one is 52, they simply don't want to get any older and wish they could turn back time and be 33 forever. 

Life isn't getting better. Housing and food is getting ever more expensive. I don't think that I will last another 20 years and why should I? There's only a 25% chance that I will live past 70 and a 0% chance that I will live past 80. 

I don't see a reason to go on living. What do I have to live for? Being poor is depressing. Being rich is overwhelming and stressful. Either brings anxiety. I don't know if God will help me. Why would He? 

Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer have great faith. Me, not so much. I have great doubt. I often wish that I was never born. I might not have been. Even if you add up all the people who ever lived, that number isn't infinite. It is finite. 

I wonder if there will ever be a suicide booth as in Futurama. I might go because I have nothing to live for. I don't want to be poor and I don't care about being rich. Neither will bring happiness. I don't know what happiness even looks like or feels like. I only know fear and depression. 

Truth is stranger than fiction. I'm kind of scared to go to a certain Church. One Church I went to has a Spanish guy who very much looks like a girl. He is in the choir. When he was singing last Sunday, I looked at him, thinking I was looking at a girl. He looked right at me for a few seconds. After Church at the coffee klatch, I was sitting with an old man named George who I had known for years at that Church. The Spanish guy who looks like a girl was invited to the table. George invited him to sit at the table. The guy who looks like a girl was swinging a tennis racket which I interpreted as a sign that he swings both ways or else likes to meet men who swing both ways. When the girly looking guy took off his coronavirus mask, he had a mustache and a beard. I was grossed out and somewhat scared so I moved to another table to sit with a lady I had known there for years. I suppose I shouldn't worry about the girly guy. Gay people usually know that I know that they know that I'm not gay. Sometimes these seemingly gay guys are married to women. People on the internet thought that Matt Fraser is mega gay but he's married to Alexa who once won a beauty contest. There is another guy at that Church who I thought was slightly effeminate but he's married to a woman. I shouldn't worry about the Spanish guy. Often I'm scared of gay people, terrified of gay people but I shouldn't be. Even though I'm scared of gray people I often in the past wrote of how I was against the policy of some countries of putting gay people in prison or even killing them. Live and let live. No one should be harassed or persecuted because of their gayness. 

What I wrote about gays on Twitter. 

1. The annual gay parade in San Francisco and on Davie Street in Vancouver should be cancelled only because it would be redundant. It's already a gay parade in San Francisco and on Davie Street 24 hours a day 365 days a year, 366 days on leap years. 

2. Tried as I could I didn't see anything that wasn't gay in Star Wars, the campy capes, C3PeeHole and Rnumber2D2 looks like a cock and an anus, C3PO C for cock, R2D2 R for rectum, Princess Leia's sapphic hairdo in A New Hope, the rainbow colors of the phallic lightsabers. George Lucas should redo the movie and call it Star Wars, The Heterosexual Edition. 

Even George Lucas himself said that Star Wars was a cross between Fellini's The Satyricon and Stanley Kubrick's 2001.

3. The forbidden city in China was a massive gay scene, it had so many gays and eunuch and transsexuals that it made the tenderloin district of New York look like the Westboro Baptist Church. 

4. The scale of gayness: 1. Listens to show tunes 2. Shaves the front for the girls 3. Shaves the back for the girls 4. Shaves the front for the guys 5. Shaves the back for the guys 6. Watches gay porn 7. Stars in gay porn 8. Director of gay porn 9. Owns a gay porn studio 10. Listens to show tunes

Lesbian version: 2. Shaves the front for the guys  3. Shaves the back for the guys  4. Shaves the back for the girls  5. Shaves the front for the girls

5. Dumbledore: "Professor Slughorn possesses something precious that I very much desire."

Harry Potter: "Would you be referring to his penis or his anus, sir?" 

Dumbledore: "Harry Potter!" 

Harry Potter: "Everyone does know that you're gay, sir."

6. George Michael is so gay that if you wrote him a letter, "George Michael. I am your biggest fan. I know all your hit songs such as Relax, Everybody Wants To Rule The World, Take On Me, Walk Like An Egyptian, and Manic Monday. Can you suck my cock?" George Michael wouldn't care. He would suck your cock.*

*Extended. I didn't include Manic Monday when I wrote this on Twitter. 

7. My girlfriend Heather told me," When I was a kid, two Catholic Priests took care of me. They were gay. They didn't always take care of me. Sometimes they went on vacation."

I said, "Where did they go on vacation? Fire Island?!"

She just groaned.

8. For most people, any thoughts that involve the anus is an intrusive and unwanted thought. For other people, any thoughts that don't involve the anus is an intrusive and unwanted thought. 

9. Board games and trading cards are anal. They are so anal that not even the actual anus is as anal. 

10. In San Francisco, how do they separate the men from the boys? With a crowbar. 

In Bangkok, how do they separate the boys from the girls? With a thorough medical exam. 

11. Gay version: "The other day I heard that a guy sucked your cock." "I'm not gay but twenty dollars is twenty dollars." "Then I heard that you sucked some cock." "Again, I'm not gay but twenty dollars is twenty dollars."

Lesbian version: "The other day I heard that you licked some pussy." "I'm not a lesbian but twenty dollars is twenty dollars." "Then I heard that you got your pussy licked by a woman." "Again, I'm not a lesbian but twenty dollars is twenty dollars."

12. The extra terrestrial species the Al-Gruaalix has 8 genders. A gay Al-Gruaalix teenager goes to visit the high school guidance counselor. The conservative guidance counselor says, "Unlike humans who have 1 other gender to choose from, we Al-Gruaalix have 7 other genders to choose from. You couldn't find one that you like?" Perhaps humans have 8 genders too, cisgender, heterosexual, gays, lesbians, bisexuals, transexual, male convert to female, female convert to male, non-binary, hermaphrodite etc. 

13. Star Wars The Force Awakens

Han Solo: "Those two aliens over there will trade sex for transport." 

Rey: "Finn, you go."

Finn: "Why me?!" 

Han Solo: "They're Arcturians. They're not picky."

Notorious Big has a song called Hypnotize that I heard for the first time today on the radio on my Walkman. I thought the lyrics were, "That's why I'm so dope and you're so gay." The lyrics actually are, "That's why they're so broke and you're so paid." It's a good song. 

I visited Heather at her new place and even had a bath. It was my first bath in a bathtub in 15 years. A bath was great. It was incredible. Sometimes the future can be better than I imagined. Life can be a win win situation sometimes. Heather moves to a sumptuous luxurious new place and I don't have to push myself to work for her 7 days a week anymore. Even though it was Heather, pushing myself to work for anyone 7 days a week with seemingly no end can be exhausting and cause burnout. This last week I pushed myself and went above and beyond. I wheeled her to places somewhat far that I don't usually wheel her to. I bought her a radio as a housewarming gift since she loves music and didn't have a radio nor a television with cable that would otherwise pick up the music channel which she loves. 

While Heather is living it up in luxurious new digs, I am meanwhile still stuck here at this rooming house full of one room only suites. I am used to such living. In the 1930s I might have lived in a detached house full of people but I would still be staying in only one room in that house that would be my bed room. The 1930s had no cable TV or internet. It had only radios and books and newspapers and magazines as a home entertainment system. Forget big screen TV's and Blu rays and YouTube and internet. 

I don't know what kind of future I will have. 

I bought Jamieson's melatonin tablets at Dollarama today. I wonder if they work. Melatonin is the drug the body produces just before and when sleeping. I wonder if I take these pills too often, would the body then stop producing its own melatonin sensing that melatonin is present? The body does this. That's why vaccines which have the presence of antibodies would make the body stop producing its own antibodies sensing that antibodies are already around. This is why the covid vaccine is completely suspicious. 

Tuesday, May 31, 2022

Everyone says Top Gun Maverick is great. It's the must see movie of the summer. I have a free ticket pass for this town. But I was thinking of seeing it in Vancouver. 

Vancouver has 

AVX: The sharpest laser digital high definition screen. 

Screen X: A 270 degree wraparound screen. I never cared for this. I prefer flat screen. 

Atmos: A much sharper Dolby sound system with incredible clarity using expensive microphones. 

The Beatles used a very expensive microphone for their recordings. This microphone, to quote from the Internet, could hear an ant farting in a matchbox half a mile away. The microphones today are presumably much better. 

DBox: An amusement park experience with moving seats. Top Gun would be a good movie for this. Victoria BC has the DBox experience at Silvercity cinemas. 

The longest name of a city in Wales, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch 

requires voiceless lateral alveolar fricative to pronounce for the double L's. 

I went and saw Top Gun Maverick at Silvercity Cinema and got a DBox seat. I would have been a whopping $16.00 plus because of the DBox seat even on half price Tuesday. A DBox seat on a regular day would be $22.00. I got it for free because I have a gift certificate coupon. The DBox seat is a life changing experience. You really feel the experience. 4D entertainment just like at the Vancouver Aquarium theatre. The Vancouver Acquarium DBox seat also pokes you in the back when the moray eel appears on screen which I thought was rather twisted. 

Top Gun Maverick was a great movie. Everyone says it's a great movie. It is a great movie. I left the movie theatre breathless. 

The DBox was an amusement park ride that lasted for two hours. It changed the way I watch movies forever. If there was ever a movie made for DBox, Top Gun Maverick is it. 

There was also Screen X at the theatre which was good. 

Bullet Train starring Brad Pitt is a must see movie. It is inspiring that Brad Pitt is still and adventure action hero at his age. This gives me hope and inspiration that I can still be an action adventure hero in my own way at my age. 

Stellan Skarsgard is in his 70s and he's a action hero in the new Star Wars Ando television series. 

The month ends with the saddest news possible. A black lady who lives in my apartment building whom I had known for years, she had a Jamaican accent and collected cans and bottles died today. She was found dead when the landlord checked her room after noticing a strange smell. 

Last week, a bearded huy in an electric scooter who used to not have a beard and was walking, also died. A French lady died last month. 

Its times like these that I quite King Theoden from Lord of the Rings, "So much death. What chance do we have against such reckless hate?" 

I was right for waking up feeling scared all these past weeks and months. I must have sensed something awful like this was going to happen. Life is scary. The future is scary.