Septum Covid -Ber 2021

 

The Emily Carr print that I bought from Amazon for $15 and framed.

The frame is from WalMart.

Wednesday September 1, 2021

I went to the Bent Mast restaurant. I went for the $10 Bent Mast burger. Lovely old restaurant. I had to get my restaurant time in before the passine vaxport is imposed. I don't plan on getting a vaxport. I can live on takeouts and grocery meals. I cook my own meals. Some of my recipes, I like to think, would get 1 Michelin star. 

Then later on in the afternoon, I went to a protest at the Legislative Buildings about all this covid bullshit. The mixed messages. The mathematical incongruencies in the bullshit statistics dispensed that even a grade school student could see through. 80% vaccinated yet "record number of cases since the pandemic began?!" They said herd immunity would be reached at 80% vaccinated. 82% are vaccinated but we still need passine vaxports?! You don't need to be a University mathematician to suss out the bullshit. 

It's a law of thermodynamics, things once in motion past a certain point are difficult to stop. Before the pandemic, some industries that were small cottage industries below the radar are now major industries that have the power to lobby the government in order to increase profits. Some people want to keep their bullshit scam jobs forever like the Medical spokespeople. They love the limelight. 

Anne Hathaway said in Batman the Dark Knight Rises, something like, "You rich people accumulate so much and leaving the rest of us so little. There's a storm coming." 

They give back so little to the small poor people who built their empires purchasing their items at their bullshit markup prices. Sunglasses made at a sweatshop for $2 sells for $75 so as to pay for CEO salaries. That's what Anne Hathaway is talking about. The mask industry, the vaccine industry is now a powerful lobby which has the government in their pocket. Yada yada yada..... I left the protest early. There's only so much protesting I could do before it becomes redundant and useless. 

Use of the most profound and eloquent words is useless. What does the government do after hearing such words? They double down. 

It's mainly about the mixed messages and the clearly bullshit statistics. 

Lots of people are angry. I am too but my anger is absolutely useless. What can I do about anything?

Bizarrely, some of the spokesmen and spokeswomen at the rally advised people to vote. I would have thought that they would have advised people not to vote. To vote for the right people to effect change although they didn't say specifically who.  

That's bizarre because I would've advised people not to vote! Don't bother voting! It's useless! I won't vote in this election. After they screwed us over, why should I do them any favors? I'm not legally required to vote! Voting is a right but not a legal requirement. 

Well, sure, vote because we were given hundreds of dollars of pandemic relief. I won't forget that kindness. But that relief dried up about 6 months ago! Would I then still vote? Answer: I'm not sure. 

Not voting isn't anarchy. It's just apathy. 

'For your safety. "Fur ihre Sicherheit." ' A sign at the rally. - from World War 2.

I'm keeping score!

"You'll own nothing and you'll be happy." World Economic Forum - a sign at the rally at the Legislative Buildings

That explains why I get no money for anything I do on the internet. Animated cartoons, etc. That would explain a lot!

In politics, it is better to be feared than to be loved, but not to the point of being hated. Machiavelli said that. 

Masks. At first it was they don't really do anything. Then it's you need them even double masking wouldn't be a bad idea. Masks were free at stores. Now some stores charge 50 cents or $1 per mask. Price fixing or what? The mask industry is a powerful lobby that drives the government. Masks aren't that healthy as a person rebreathes in their own effluvium. Some effluvium would be worse than others if they don't use anti bacterial mouthwash. I certainly use Listerine Cool Mint Zero. 

My Michelin 1 star recipe: Get ready. Put one, two, or three oysters in a bowl. Porcelain is preferable but melmac or melamine which is what I got is acceptable. 

Then fry some minced garlic, ginger and green onions in a frying pan with mostly cooking oil, corn or canola, but with a tiny splash of sesame oil. Add some sugar to create a caramelizing effect. Just before adding to the oysters, lift the frying pan out of the fire and throw in a splash of beer or else white wine. I use beer. Add to the oysters, pouring it over into the oysters. Then add some black bean sauce or paste and add a liberal splash of soy sauce to the oysters in a bowl. Cover and steam for three minutes. Then serve with rice. That's my Michelin 1 star recipe.

The white wine or beer is optional. So is the sesame oil. It will still work without any of that.

My friend Tam who had a ghastly wretched disease died at age 46. George Orwell died at age 46. George Orwell was a dishwasher but he wasn't a dishwasher at age 51. Difficult to do that when he died at age 46. I wish I had died at age 46. I wouldn't have had to live through a global pandemic and a severe housing crisis. 46 would've been an acceptable age for me to die. Why would I still be alive? It's not like I was begging for my life at every turn. I stay alive for what? Another few years of poverty and disillusionment? 

In Holland, it said on the internet that the hospital euthanized a 28 year old woman for severe chronic depression and mental illness etc. Maybe she had other major medical issues too. Maybe I could be euthanized if there is no hope in my life.

Meanwhile, there are people who are handicapped, crippled, in wheelchairs, blind, paraplegic, quadriplegic, hemiplegic, whomarent even nearly as suicidal and depressed as a lot of able bodied people. They are a lot less depressed and worried about the pandemic than most people are. Now why is that? I wish I died at age 46. 

If there is such a housing crisis, if the pandemic is so bad, why wouldn't me turning myself into a euthanasia place be an option? What am I doing being still alive? Why would I still be living when I could have died at age 46 like my friend Tam and like George Orwell? Is a suicide clinic an option? I have given up on life. I won't kill myself but what if a suicide clinic does it? 

There is a housing crisis. When wages increased 2x from 20 years ago, but the real estate prices increased 20x.

Things that used to be cheap are now expensive. Certain foods, certain artwork, certain real estate and even or else  especially people can be expensive as they are internet contributors and influencers and a lot of these talented people are National treasures or at least treasures in their city. These people, whenever they threaten to leave a town, it scares the shit out of that town! 

Foods that used to be considered dirt cheap or poor people's food like lobsters and oysters are now considered to be expensive gourmet foods.

The government doesn't seem to recognize that. The government doesn't want people to know their worth but does that work? People do know their worth!! And that's a threat to the government! Hence the housing shortage and crisis. These people will vote with their feet and move to other towns and other countries. Covid pandemic makes it more difficult but not impossible. I'm thinking of writing a letter to my old friends in Dawson Creek and I might move back for the affordable housing and the slow pace of life. Some towns don't have as much of a housing crisis. 

Whether you're talented as an artist, a writer, a construction worker, or 3 star level or equivalent Michelin chef, you're a commodity and if the government doesn't see you as that, you deserve to move to a better town, better Province or even a better country. 

During World War 2, some people were considered precious cargo and weren't permitted to fight in the front lines. This was mentioned in the movie Churchill when PM Winston Churchill himself wanted to fight at Normandy and wasn't permitted to. And in the movie Tusk when Hemingway was otherwise to fight in the front lines but wasn't permitted to.

The government treats people as if they are cheap trash, when they are very expensive people with whatever precious skillset. The government doesn't deserve to have people like that in their governance. Some places are over rated, some places are under rated. Move to an underrated place that treats you good. Don't live in an over rated place that treats you bad. 

Human resources is the last precious commodity. 

It's a seller's market. On Pawn Stars the owners lowball and bullshit to the seller, that isn't worth that much, not many people walk in asking for that. Then when it comes time to sell it, they already have buyers who are in the market for that kind of thing whatever it is and the spiel is, it's one of a kind. You won't see this again. Lots of other people have offered me a higher price but since I've known you for so long, I can give you a deal on this. Government's do that with people however some people are aware of that.

I tell you, the human species is shit. I'm sure glad I never had any children and thus perpetuate this shit.

Essentially, skilled people who know their worth become free agents and move to the town or country that can and will give them the best deal.

In 1900, the World's population was 2.2 billion. Today it is at around 7.7 billion.

If managed well, the World could easily accomodate 50 billion, even 100 billion people for there are large swathes of land that is unoccupied. If mismanaged, the World couldn't even accomodate 3 billion people. 

When the World's population was at 3 billion a century ago, World War one and World war two happened.

The average person today is living much more comfortably and much longer at a World population of 7 something billion people than the average person did during the caveman Cro-magnon and Neanderthal days when the world population was at 200 million. 

It's not how big the population is, it's now you use it. 😉

Go to a University and ask a student or a professor about this. See what they say.

The Covid - 19 pandemic will probably end suddenly. 

World war 1, at one point they must've thought that it'd go on forever. It ended suddenly in 1918. And they didn't even have vaccines like we do today.

The Spanish Flu of 1918 - 1920 ended when the flu ran its course after the Fourth Wave of the flu in 1920.

Prohibition started in 1920. They must've thought it'd go on forever. It ended with very little notice in 1933 as it was then repealed. 

World War 2, at one point they probably thought that it'd go on forever or else with the Germans or Italians or else the Japanese invading North America. It ended quite suddenly. 

The Vietnam War ended suddenly. 

The Berlin Wall and Checkpoint Charlie ended sudetenly in 1991.

The marijuana prohibition in Canada ended suddenly in 2017 when PM Justin Trudeau legalized the drug Nationally.

Two months ago, on July 1, I greatly feared the future. I thought that I would be dead in less than a month. I actually swore it. Since then, every and any given day was bright, spackling, and rock star. Any given day was much better than I expected. Despite the global pandemic, I had one of the best summers I had in years. Endless trips to a beautiful beach, visits to museums, visits to Sydney BC and once with my scooter too. Visit to the Art gallery. Animal miracles like seeing deer all the time at unexpected places and all the other beautiful animals at Beacon Hill park. Trips to new, different and luxurious restaurants. Eating gourmet food all summer. So much for fearing the future. 

I don't think that I will be able to get the vaccine passport as I think the process will be too difficult, complex and convoluted. As much as I want to, I doubt that I'd be able to get it. 

Update: Friday, September 10, 2021. Wrong! I got it. Downloaded and screenshotted on two tablets and also I applied for and got one from the local Monk Office Supplies. Every store has their local in-house e-mail address. Send them an email with the downloaded and screenshotted vaccine passport QR code card and they will print it and laminate it for $5. I did it! But lots of people in my building either never got vaccinated or couldn't get the card. 

Dogs like Koessi the sniffer dog used in an airport in Finland can sniff Covid cases in people even five days before symptoms appear. 

Nights are very quiet. It sounds like the World had ended. Another night of pandemic death death death.

Thursday, September 2, 2021

Scary point counter point. The government and then the anti-vaxxers set up a frightening dialectics. The government says get the vaccine, it will protect you. The anti-vaxxers say No, it won't. 

Either are very convincing. Leaving one not knowing who to trust. 

The government says that it was to keep us safe. The movie Knight & Day says that when the words 'safe' or 'safety' is used it either means that the government wants a person dead or else locked away for a very long time. 

We just want to keep you safe. It's for your own safety. 

Is that really the thought process of the government? Would they actually  make decisions based on quotes from a semi-obscure movie? 

The opprobrium of the anti-vaxxers makes a scary situation twice as scary. However, I love them. They are well meaning and are probably what would be a contributing factor to ending the pandemic early or else sooner than expected. 

"If there is any hope, it lies in the proles." George Orwell, 1984

I imagine that if I were a cop, I'd be worried about the retired high ranking cops out there. 

I also imagine that some anti-vaxxers are retired government officials not bound by the usual strictures and able to put pressure on the government. Don't ever lose that imagination! 

I woke up with a sore throat from last night. I stayed up late and pushed past sleepy point. For awhile I worried about having gotten covid after attending the antivaxxer protest at the Legislative Building. After eating a Halls throat lozenge. I feel somewhat better. No runny nose, no shortness of breath, no fever. Just sweating but I sweat often at night. I use three layers of blankets that defy logic during the summer.

I was planning, promising myself that I'd visit these restaurants. This restaurant, that restaurant, whatever. I'm going to go again after the pandemic. Within every problem lies the gem of its own solution. Going to a restaurant during a pandemic stifles whatever atmosphere one would have paid to go there to experience. It really puts a damper on the whole atmosphere. Masks mandatory, social distancing. Weird shit energy. It's like paying twice as much for the food. It would be better to wait until after the pandemic is over to experience a restaurant in its full glory and not at half speed. Take out, sure, fine, whatever. I'm not going to even attempt to try to go to a restaurant until the pandemic is over. I won't bother to get the vaccine passport. Too much trouble. Too much hassle. Too much bullshit. Vaccine passport to see a movie. The only movie I  really want to see in the theatres would be Dune. But then that's just half a movie as apparently, like Lord of the Rings, that movie is apparently divided into two parts, so it's like seeing only half a movie. Forget that! 

Update: Wrong again! I got the passine vaxport without too much trouble. 

No vaccine passport for me. But things aren't always what they seem. The passport is a suggestive omen saying, Even though you don't believe it, you are destined to get a passport one day and to travel to England. The King of England wants to meet you. 

Sure. Dream on!

Friday, September 3, 2021

Vaccine shots are nothing new. They have them at school every year or every other year. When I was a child, my parents took me to visit this doctor every week where I got one allergy shot after another. Weird shit doctor. Dr Wing G Chiu. The doctor recommended even more shots but my parents had given up and I didn't go anymore. Weird shit quack doctors. That's all you ever get.

Anti vaxxers is nothing new either. In the early 2000s I read books that David Icke wrote in the 90s. He's a major anti vaxxer. He advised parents not to left their children get school flu vaccinations and this was 30 years ago. 

I'm planning to see the movie Shang-Chi and the Legend of Ten Rings either tomorrow because they are tarring a section of ground right outside my window and the movie will be an escape from that. I looked it up online. The fumes from tarring do not cause cancer. That's a relief. And it's diffused. PPM, parts per million. 

Or else I'll go on half price Tuesday to save money. Last chance to see any movies maybe forever if I can't or don't otherwise get a vaccine passport. 

Update: Pssssst! I got the vaccine passport!

The power, beauty and glory of YouTube videos:

A) A sign of a mentally strong person is that he gives for the joy of giving and not for any motives of what will you give me back in exchange for this?

B) Sadhguru said that if a person does not make their bed, demons will dance on it and it will affect your mood. Make the bed every day. This also applies to clothing. Always have clothes folded neatly and orderly.

C) Howard Storm tells a great story. He was hospitalized, died, and went to hell. The story is harrowing. He was a complete atheist before however, in the depths of hell, he summoned whatever love for God that he had, even faith the size of a mustard seed, and he was rescued from hell. God loves all people and he hopes God loves Him too. However, God will not force anyone to love him. The person has to do it with their free will. It's a great story and restores and strengthens the love for God that I already have. I have fucked up lots in life, however I hope I can spend the rest of my life being a devoted servant of God and God's love. It a tall order. I hope I can love up to it. On many days, I'm not sure. I'm a fairweather Christian? Or am I? 

Don't take God's name in vain although I have been a major offender when it comes to this. God has feelings. And emotions. Many things we say and do hurt God.

Oh no! To use God's name in vain is unforgivable. I think most people on Earth have done it at one time or other especially in a moment of angry drunken passion. I hope that God forgives me and that he forgives all of us who still acknowledge his love and power. 

One doesn't have to be Christian. Faith in Buddha, Jewish, Islam and Native American or Canadian spirtuality is good too. There are many paths to God.

I will vote in the election. Not voting is a cold act towards the government especially after so many months and hundreds upon hundreds of dollars of pandemic relief. 

Elections are not always won along National lines of Prime Ministerial celebrity. They are often won along local lines of neighborhood fiefdom. I am going to vote for the NDP candidate in my neighborhood who is, come on, favoured to win.

Voting is put in the hands of political retards like me?! One time I voted for LIberals Team Trudeau, next time I voted for Green Party. This election I'll probably vote NDP. What a skewered scuppered system. No system. No loyalties. And this is supposed to be choices based on  political science?! Airhead voting methodology! Confused or what.

Sept 10: Nope. I'm voting for Team Trudeau although that's pissing in the wind in this neighbourhood. The NDP candidate is strongly favored to win. I had a dream where PM Justin Trudeau was in the dream. He wants my vote! Trudeau is the one I trust most in the whole bunch which isn't saying much. I watched the Leaders Debate on YouTube, Live-stream. This electoral term is scary, the Leaders are scary but that's only an extension of me thinking that life itself is scary and overwhelming. I want to go back to smoking weed regularly. I was less hyper and less jittery and less scared. Smoking weed gave life a context. Smoking weed is an instrument of celebration, it's a libation, it's a way of marking time. Feeling blissful while sober is all right. Feeling blissful on weed is the ticket! Weed suppresses dreams. I used to think that's bad but given the annoying sweat inducing intensity of my dreams lately, I prefer that the dreams are suppressed although lately I've had quite a few STAR WARS based dreams. 

The pandemic is about sometimes things have to get worse for awhile before they get better. Things can't run on full speed unceasingly. Jewish belief talks about the Seder which is every seven or every ten years even, to have one year of rest to recharge. 

I don't know if Seder is the right wrong word. Life and existence is about cycles.

There is a global warming catastrophe. Every summer seems to get hotter than the last. The pandemic is a time when a lot of factories closed down permanently and the pandemic is a built in excuse making it easier to do this. For a factory owner, on one side are protesters and on the other side are shareholders. The pandemic based excuse to close down factories makes this possible without getting shareholders angry. Thoughty2 on YouTube talked about this. During the pandemic, lots of pollution and global warming causing factories closed down. 

Saturday, September 4, 2021

Russell Brand is very smart and says a lot of interesting things. He also says some very scary or else controversial things. 

He said that Afghanistan is a vector for money laundering for the elite 1%. 

He also said in Europe, the pandemic lockdown measures, etc will go on until March 2022 with a strong possibility that it will be extended even six months. 

With what Russell Brand said, what percentage is there left for me to go on with living. I wish the government would issue suicide kits. Anyone who has given up on life and does not have the strength or will to go on can just quit. Or else the hospital should have euthanasia clinics. If someone at the hospital administers euthanasia to me that doesn't count as suicide. I don't see a reason to go on living at this point. I struggle with ideas of suicide every day. I don't have anything to live for. I don't have anyone to live for. I see everyone is my life as a trap that the forces of life has dumped into my lap, some more than others. Specifically the retarded handicapped lady who could be here for years and whom I might have to be cleaning up her mess for years to come. No thanks! Someone like that can really fuck up my future. A spectre like that. 

I was so worried about what Russell Brand said that I even googled 'fear of the words of Russell Brand' which of course didn't bring up anything specific except amongst the results, a Wikipedia page and a YouTube video where Russell Brand talks about how to deal with fear and anxiety. 

Russell Brand said in a video called 'Do You Feel Scared? That's How They Want You To Feel?' that he's a 9/11 Truther. So that's the level we're working with when it comes to the words of Mr Russell Brand. He's very smart and the internet said his net worth is $20 million. 

In this photo, he seems to be saying, "You would fear my words? Really?"

I would like to move to Vancouver. People in big cities are smarter and can give better advice. People in small towns are airheads. "I wish I could give an answer to that but there aren't any." is the typical small town advice. The only place I could afford to live in Vancouver is the downtown Eastside but the rent prices in that neighborhood get higher and higher on one hand and on the other hand the streets of that neighborhood gets worse and worse. If I knew things would turn out like that, I should have died years ago. Suicide is just one day. Why not give up on a hopeless situation? I really don't want to go on living. Living is painful and a nightmare. I got nothing worthwhile going on in my life. 

Oh, come on. It's not all bad. One could have a better future than imagined, not a worse one. There is a lot of good in humanity. Examples of a better future could be:

- The pandemic, somehow for some reason will end sooner than anyone thinks. Just on that one day when you think it would never end, turn on the News and the News says it's ending very soon. Some breakthrough panacea vaccine, so enough people had gotten vaccinated that one more time to achieve herd immunity and thus it's over.

- The factories that closed down during the lands of never to reopen and the shift to hybrid or full electric or even water powered vehicles means the global warming won't be as bad as previously imagined. 

- I could get a huge inheritance. 

- Some people could invite me to live with them at a nice place and based on my cartoon animation, I could animate cartoons there with them. 

- New technological inventions. New and surprisingly mind blowing apps which I would love. 

- A lady whom I've known for years could knock at my door, a lady whom I'm really into sexually, a woman who is my type and she invites me to her place and I get to see her naked.

- The government could build extra affordable modular housing or set up areas that would allow people to Jerry rig, I mean to build their own houses. Some people would be quite good at doing that. I myself think that I might be able to do it. 

At the end of life, there is more satisfaction and more accomplishment to know that one persevered and somehow made their way through sometimes tough and perilous situations and not only survived the adventure but thrived than to have lived a life of things always having been easy and with no effort.

There is a lot to live for. For all of us. Life is full of surprises.

NASA talks about sending people to the moon which is 30 Earth lengths away. At what point will the mind snap and think, I'm how many Earth lengths away from Earth now? Then pop! Mind snapped. Mars is worse, it's a few thousand Earth lengths away. Total mental collapse would be inevitable. The mind fuck involved with going to Mars and the amount of Earth lengths away from Earth would be equivalent to experiencing a hundred Covid global pandemics simultaneously! It would be enough to make a grown man cry.

Depending on who you ask, space travel could be the brightest of futures or the worst of futures. But to see it on television and to watch them thrive would be wonderful. Mars gravity is so different on Earth. The likelihood of developing major medical problems as a result would be directly proportional to the time spent there. I wouldn't do it! 

Sunday, September 5, 2021 

At approx 2 pm, I smoked weed again after an absence of a few weeks. One toke. The fear was real. I'm surprised I lasted as long as I did. I'm in uncharted waters now. Life is only going to get weirder if not worse from here on in. Mostly weirder. Information overload. I went on a walk. I thought that as soon as I walked out the door, there'd be a team of people ready to kill me because I've been so crazy lately. I'd be surprised to make it through another week let alone another year. Pot oddly feels good. But I don't want to be addicted again. $200/month addiction. 

My cartoon has the textbook worst of endings. The ending is that it was a dream after all. They teach that in film school. That's one of the worst endings. Or else it happens on another planet. Cheap ending. It's the only endings I can think of. I apologize in advance for such a weak ending of the story. Since it's an amateur cartoon on YouTube that no one cares about, who cares? Only one person made the cartoon. Cheap production values and amateur as anything. 

Oh what the heck. Wizard of Oz, Invaders from Mars and Total Recall are movies where it was all just a dream. 

I think that because I'm so crazy and I don't want to be crazy, I want to be normal, or else life itself is so crazy that I think I'll be killed within a year. Someone is going to kill me. Street people, or gangs or else even the Police. "That's it! The craziness has gone on long enough! We got to do him in!" Talking about me! I'm surprised they haven't done it already. I think I've written something like this lots over the years. 

People have my back. Either I'm not as crazy as a lot of others or else I'm not as crazy as I think I am. 

Getting older. Worries about future. Where will I live after this place? How would I be able to afford it? Oooooh! Worries about the future! 

At Beacon Hill Park, I see three deer run in front of me! There were other people there too. However, seeing the three deer was magical. And reassuring. Someone or something is looking out for me, that thing is called God. Not just me, God is looking out for everyone. 

The pandemic only changes my life slightly. The differences in my routine are slight. Or else otherwise improved depending on my choices. 

Before the pandemic I was often or else sometimes going to museums, movies, restaurants, Church and food line.

Now with the pandemic, I still go to museums, movies, restaurants, Churches and food line. The only differences is the after Church social and the socializing at the food line are gone. However there were years where I didn't go to museums at all, and either didn't go to Church and the food line very often or else not at all. 

I went to museums, Church and restaurants more times during this pandemic summer of 2021 than I did during a lot of previous non-global-pandemic years. 

God help me.

Don't get me wrong. Taliban is scary as hell. I sure wouldn't want to see anyone like that personally. Who would? However, sure they blew up Buddha statues but is that any different than Christians years ago who, wherever they went, displaced and supplanted whatever local religions calling them pagan or heathen and then pushing and then installing the Christian religion. Emily Carr talked about how missionaries did that to the local Native populations. A lot of Native religious things like totem poles, houses of worship, etc were lost. 

The Taliban doesn't like to have women in positions of political power. The West was like that. Women didn't get the vote in the US until 1920. The UK, 1929, and Canada, 1949. The Taliban doesn't like having women having positions in politics. That's kind of how the ancient Greeks did it. 

And then the coed system of politics did nothing to prevent the messes and mistakes that did emerge, the real estate fuck ups, the systemic racist policies for matriarchs are even more intensely racist than patriarchs because the matriarchs had to bear whatever suffering in the womb and the pride of the products thereof on a level more intense than men ever had to, the general hyperinflation and the global policies that fuck up the earth, the Pacific garbage gyre, and the delinquent skid row neighborhoods that never ever ever ever get better over time. All these are products of a coed political system. So to throw shade off of that, the narrative is, "Look at the Taliban, they don't like to have women in their political system."

Taliban is evil. And women should be in the political system. As fucked up as it is, the political system did more a lot more good than it has done evil. Women can see things that men would simply miss because of the differing energy signatures. And vice versa, men see things that women would miss. Men and women working together is good for politics, good for the military, good for everywhere. 

Is Afghanistan a de facto state yet? Is it still even called Afghanistan? The hard core ones usually change the name of the country like Transdinistra changed the country's name to Pridnestrovia after attaining de facto state status. What name? I'm thinking Talibanistan or else Talistan.

The wisdom tooth and molar on my lower right side, teeth number 17 and 18 among others have been removed. I feel pain, tenderness and bruising where tooth 17 and 18 used to be. I wonder if it a residual root growing back in. That's serious and requires surgery. However I had those teeth removed a long time ago. The internet said if that was the case, I'd start feeling it less than a couple days after extraction. I wouldn't be first feeling it months or years after extraction! I think that something I ate pressed down and caused pressure on that area resulting in temporary pain. I will ask my dentist about it though. On a scale of 1 to 10, the pain is less than a 1. I'd say 0.35 out of 10.

Capsaicin, Scoville units, that'll do it too!

I looked at that area in a mirror using a white Christmas light bulb. The area looks slightly discolored, slightly black. Necrotising necrosis?  I'm going to see a dentist. Maybe I'm dying. Or else he will say that's very common. Looking online, that is usually caused by smoking. Or else it's gingivitis and antibiotics may be prescribed.

Never have I been so uncertain and so afraid. I wonder how I'll find the strength to make it another week let alone another year. Although it is when one is in their 70s rather than in their 50s would it really be time to wonder and doubt if they'll make it through another year. When I sleep and have a dream, it's a nightmare. When I'm awake, it's a nightmare. I'm moving from nightmare to nightmare. I wonder if I'll ever be happy and confident ever again or will I always be scared shitless like I am now? 

Why can't life be a paradise? Why does it always have to be a nightmare?

My definition of hope: I can live at a place near the Dallas Road beach. I can find a girlfriend whom I really believe in. If not, either single or with a girlfriend, I need to not feel scared shitless every day like I am now. I feel doomed. I'm out of options. Rarely have I been at such a low point in my life. Life, please help me because I don't believe that I was born to go through life being scared all the time. I also need to find a circle of friends and a community I can talk to. 

The handicapped lady. If I don't visit her, I'm scared. I feel guilty that I'm betraying her or I'm scared that I'm scared to visit her. If I visit her, I'm scared. She's very dirty and slovenly and then I get guilt tripped into cleaning her scary mess. I'm very very scared right now. 

Monday, September 6, Labour Day

I'd like to be happy and confident. If not again, then for the first time. For years, as you may know, even when I was on twitter, I wrote of heroin, suicide, better off dead, God send me the Angel of death etc. I can't be like that anymore. 

I want to live. I have to live. What does being happy look like? I am feeling bliss and optimism every day. Life seems completely safe and without problems. I want to be like a lot of people I see, always looking relaxed and smiling, grinning and even laughing. I'd like to see something and get a belly laugh again. For some reason, the the movie Tusk was the last time I remember getting a good belly laugh, the scene where Michael Parks talks to Justin Long. "Dr Mercier, he's out making his rounds." "Rounds what rounds? We're in the middle of nowhere!"  

Also, fake Angeline Jolie made me belly laugh uncontrollably. 

I'm scared every day now. Scared shitless. It recently occured to me that the old pygmy in the movie Benjamin Button said, "Most people are just as lonely as we are. And they're scared shitless." The movie didn't specify but the time the pygmy said that to Benjamin Button would've been about the time of the Spanish Flu. Scared shitless.

I hope I can find my way to being happy and confident again. Confident enough to travel to London, England. 

More weird dreams last night. Visiting an old old man who wasn't at home to collect some things. Old and nearly about to die vibes. I tried to turn off the lights using wall light switches but some of the lights wouldn't turn off. I danced to diffuse the tense energy. Then visit a Chinese man who opened a new restaurant but the restaurant wasn't open yet. I lined up at another crowded Chinese restaurant with long ramps. More dancing.

Dancing in this living wide awake world makes more sense than dancing in the dream world. I am glad that I am alive and able to dance in this world. 

I want to see the movie Nine Days but it got pulled from the theatres. It was at the theatre on August 13 - 19. Missed it!!!! Maybe I can borrow it from the library one day. 

I am planning to see the movie Shang Chi and Ten Rings which might be the last time I see a movie for awhile. I'm hoping that the Shang Chi movie can give me hope or courage to face the future.

Vaccine passports and I'm worried I won't be able to get one. I'm worried these passports will be forever despite what the health authorities say. They've bullshitted us before.  These passports reinforce class distinction and class barriers. No, because like regular passports, even a vegetable in a wheelchair can get a passport to travel. I know a lot of people on welfare myself included who were able to get a passport and travel. I'd like to travel to England, and Thailand and possibly Poland as well. All that takes money but also courage and true happiness which I hope I can have one day.

Vaccine passport is another form of ID like a social insurance card. Or else it's a QR code that one can download and then screenshot on their smartphone or else tablet. I have a 9" tablet that I can use.

The dead pigeon outside my window.

There was a lot of flies in my room, large black ones. I'm good at getting rid of them. I had to get rid of almost 30! I wondered if there is a demonic entity or whether some part of me is dying and the flies could sense that. The internet says a lot of flies means something major in your life is going to change soon. I cleaned my room, I cleared tables of any uneaten fruits and vegetables. Then I cleaned the garbage can. There was a roast beef sandwich a week old at least which gave off a sour pungent awful smell even at a close distance. I threw all of that away. I also deleted an angry post that mentioned some things like Hindu Gods, etc I'm not going to get into it.  Like magic, after that, the flies were gone. The morning after, on Sept 7, I noticed a dead pigeon outside my window one storey down. The flies hatched from the pigeon and smelled the rotten roast beef sandwich and flew to my room. Dead pigeon. Is that a bad omen? 

Tuesday, September 7. The day is just starting.

I went to a restaurant for breakfast again. The 50s can be a very magical time. 

A person can escape places and people. But a person can not escape themself. I don't think I can survive my own mind. The way it works, the way it doesn't work. My tendency to pick up garbage off the streets, throw it away or keep it and obsess about it til I throw it away after all. My potential for relapse and my inability to cope. I simply don't think I can survive myself. Life scares me. I'm scared shitless every day. Maybe this is a phase and life is nothing but change. Hard questions lead to hard answers. That's the ideal but is it the reality? Meanwhile, my dream diary, my writings in general and my cartoons would be worth a lot of money but I do the work and others make the money. That's the deal. 

Life is a grim set up. I don't know if I will survive another year. Stress, fear and mental collapse. I could have a NDE and OBE and not come back. At that point, I'm dead. It's over. 

Why a global pandemic? As if my life wasn't hopeless enough before. I don't think that I will be alive for too much longer. 

Let's face it. The old standard for years and years forever was that I was only able to feel bliss less than 20 days in a year. The Sunday vibes, maybe a bit of Christmas bliss, the bliss of seeing an absolutely new museum exhibit, the bliss of visiting a pretty town that's a distance away. Less than 20 days in a year. Even the old normal was whatever and every other day was tension, depression, low grade anxiety etc. But the extended indefinitely pandemic has made things much worse. There is no hope for me. Sometimes even, there could be too much bliss. 7, 8 hours of bliss and you wish it could stop. Redundant bliss can be too much. Can't win for losing, I guess. I'm doomed. That was the old normal. Can a new normal be better? I hope so. For all of us. I'm surprised I made it this long. I can't smoke weed anymore. Paranoia: on a scale of one to ten? A hundred! 

I could see Shang Chi tomorrow. It's only $3 more. Last chance for a few months before the vaccine passport? A way to alleviate depression and bring about bliss? I've seen movies quite a few times this summer. What's one more time? It doesn't work. I wind up depressed again. Or else, "Here I sit broken hearted. Tried to shit but only farted." Nothing works. Depression and fear is the default mode of existence for me, I guess. 

I'm not legally required to see Shang Chi in the theatre. I could see it for free online. However I might just go see it today. 

I saw Shang Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings. It gets well, ten stars out of ten. It was one of the best movies I have ever seen. Movies are getting better and better. When the movie said the lines, "You really look like your mother." "Your mother loved you more than anything." And then it went into the death of a father, at those moments I wept for at least half an hour and maybe even an hour. The tears would not stop. My mother died and left me alone in this world to be scared shitless all the time, to face a global pandemic and the remaining years of growing old, and eventually getting sick and dying one day. She died so she got the worst over with. She is one with the dreamworld and a better dreamworld. The dreamworld one accesses and merges with after they die is a more evolved version of the dreamworld. I am stuck for the time being and for who knows how many years to come a bat-shit cray cray version of the dreamworld and nightmares that scare the shit out of me leaving me to live life scared shitless. Even after the pandemic is over, I will be left with growing old and all the fears that brings and of course the bat-shit crazy dreams I'll get just about every night now. My parents left me with this. If they died, they got the worst over with. "You have the heart of a dragon."

The movie Shang Chi said that in life, we deal with the light as well as the dark.

I used to smoke pot and that used to relax me. Now it only ever brings an Earth shattering paranoia that is right off the charts. Psycho-candy or what?! I can't smoke it anymore. I quit. Pot used to cut down and leave one with a minimal dream life when sleeping. Without weed, it's longer, more lucid and more crazy as a shit house rat level of dreams every night. I guess like everyone else gets.

If I smoke regularly, it's a $200 a month habit. I'd rather save the money for other things. 

The vaccine passport can be downloaded and screenshotted or else run through a photocopier for a paper version. A number can also be called and after answering a few questions, they can get a paper version sent through the mail. It's a scannable QR  or quick response code.

The QR code is already in use for a lot of things and this is the government's way of getting people used to a new system. 

Samuel Johnson said, "When a man is tired of London, He is tired of life." There is a statue of Samuel Johnson's cat that only eats oysters. That statue uses a QR code in order to hear it play a recorded message.

The London Oyster card for transit uses a QR system. Like the tap option on debit card machines at restaurants.

There's currently a 1 hour wait even if on the computer. I'll try to get one a few days after Sept 13 which is when its required. The lines should be less then. If not, then what the fuck. What a defective system! I need to go to restaurants and to watch Denis Villeneuve's Dune. I don't really care about seeing Ghostbusters: Afterlife. It's mainly a movie about children kind of like Goonies. Who cares? 

I discovered The James Bay Inn during my 50s and it is a restaurant that's made for someone in their 50s. Heck it's good for anyone at any age. It's very elegant. I'd like to stay there one day even if for one night. I would have liked to stay there during the days when I smoked pot regularly. Smoke some weed and relax. But now, weed is off the table. The paranoia inexperience is extreme and terrible. I makes me think I'm crazy when I really want to be normal and that lots of people want to kill me. 'Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean that they're not after you!'

It would be pricey to stay at the James Bay Inn year round paying the per month rent, month after month. How much would that cost?

Wednesday, September 8, 2021

Exactly two weeks ago, I placed an order for a book. Pay now, get the book much later. The standard awful deal. I remember telling the saleslady, due to a mental medical condition that I have, I really don't think that I'll still be alive in two weeks. Well, here I am still alive. That's baffling.

Three days ago on Sunday, I told people that I don't know if I'll still be alive in a week.

I'm not referring to suicide. I'm referring to death from mental collapse due to stress, boredom, mental exhaustion, being overwhelmed, being scared shitless, if one can die from any of that. I could be dead in less than a year on any given year.

I'm always saying delusional shit like that. 

I told someone, "I don't know if I'll ever be happy again." She said, "Oh, you'll be happy again!" I asked someone else, a lady, "How does she know that?!" The lady said, "Because that's how things work."

The government pushes on ahead with its vaccine passport. What a fucking egregious officious troublemaking government. Troublemakers. Don't do us any favours! 

I won't be or else really don't want to talk about my dreams anymore. Not a lot of people do as regularly as I do. The message is gotten. I get it. Dreams are always annoying disturbing weird shit. Only 1% are heavenly dreams in which I wake up feeling really good and will feel good for life whenever I remember such dreams. Otherwise dreams are stupid turbid turgid bullshit not worth mentioning. So no more. Information overload ad absurdio. Fuck off dreams! You're not wanted or needed! Again, don't do me any fucking favours! I often have the best sleeps. That is a long two hour nap with no dreams whatsoever. Dreams are the cans, dreams are the shits, dreams are cat's ass. Fucking worthless dreams. Dreams are the discarded wrappers, the garbage of the mind.

Dreams are like the NDE videos on YouTube. There's no chance that anyone else would get the exact same NDE as that person had. There's no chance that anyone would get the exact same dream as I had so why the hell talk about it? 

Talk about it a little to get the few repeating elements, sure, it's a holographic ghostly dimension with a different set of physics. Teleportation or moving very very quickly through rooms and streets is common.

"For the dead travel fast." Bram Stoker

People usually look at their best, young, feathered hair like they just stepped out of a Hollywood hair salon. When I say, "I am really here! Here I am." There is agreement and disagreement as if to say, "You don't know you're in a dream right now!" etc etc etc Who cares?

I'll only talk about the best dreams worth talking about. I won't anymore dignify the useless irrelevant garbage dreams with talking about them or writing about them with illustrations. 

Crazy worthless dreams. If they were short films just about each and every one of them would get a Razzie award and that's not a good thing.

Don't be afraid to fall asleep, every once in awhile, you could get a really good dream that just knocks it out of the park. 

There are two kinds of dreams. The first kind even if vivid and long lasting can be classified as worthless and garbage. The other kind are the pretty good dreams. Dreams where one is seeing either celebrities, good and not evil politicians, Royalty, aliens and angels. 

Thursday, September 9, 2021

My dream is to live at the James Bay Inn year round. I would be willing to be a janitor there. That would greatly subsidize the rent. However I might be able to afford to stay there at least one night a year. Or more. It's about $200 a night or less with deals from one of those websites like hotels dot com or Trivago etc. 

The hysteria behind the covid 19 reminds me of the hysteria behind McCarthyism and Communism. That ended when too many people who were too high ranking were targetted. Like most of life, including perhaps life itself, this pandemic will simultaneously go on longer than expected and also end sooner than expected. That's the  cosmic equation, it seems. 

My dentist told me I might have to see a gum and bone surgeon. It would be $2,000 out of pocket which I simply don't have. What happens if I don't do it, will I die? No, but you will end up losing your teeth that much sooner. I asked again, if I don't do this, will I be dead in less than ten years then? No, we'll work with you and find other solutions. I might need to get dentures. Before the year is through I'm going to see a denturist who advertises on television, accepting new patients about what to do. 

Seeing the gum and bone surgeon is as unpleasant as it sounds. No pain during the actual procedure, but pain for two or three days afterwards. T3 might help. 

Tack this on top of a global pandemic. Life is hell. 

If I wanted to get something painful and unpleasant and expensive, I would have gotten a tattoo. 

If only Google paid me fairly for my work. But what would that look like? 

There's only so much you can do. I've heard of celebrities who have all the money in the world, they get diagnosed with some ghastly wretched disease and they're dead a year later. For example, Sarah Harding. Diagnosed and then dead one year later. I think she must have gotten euthanized at the hospital. 

My situation is far from that. It's either get dentures or be edentulous. A person on YouTube comments said that they have been edentulous since age 23 and they're in their mid 50s now. A few people in comments mentioned being edentulous for years. Edentulous means having no teeth. 

Marcus Aurelius said that most problems are repeats of the same problem from the past over and over again. The dentist did bring this topic up a few times before but I just glossed over it every time. 

Periodontic surgery has a 20% failure rate.* Good thing this is neither mandatory, nor legally required and nor covered by my medical premium. 

*source: www.realself.com 

Most if not all medicine is based on allopathic medicine rather than homeopathic medicine. And a lot of it is based on germ theory or else the writings of Louis Pasteur. There is very little thinking outside the box as that is not encouraged.*

*Source: YouTube. It Will Separate The Men From The Boys/ Max Igan 2021. -Inspired 

"Crazy is majority rules. Take germs for example. In the eighteenth century there was no such thing. Then along comes this doctor. Semmelweis. Semmelweis." 12 Monkeys

Eddie: "On my God! I am going to die!"

Venom: "We are not going to die!"

Venom, the movie

Heather, who is currently using a wheelchair, gives me money and I work for it, doing quite a bit of work. I couldn't take the money and do nothing. Welfare gives me money and I give back with my cartoons, writing. Or else I do the cartoons, writing and then get absolutely nothing back from Google for my efforts. With me, that's the deal.

Then I see pandhandler after pandhandler on the street. They ask for money and in return they would do absolutely no work for it at all. With them, that's the deal. 

It seems that me and them are completely different people. 

Friday, September 10, 2021

I got my vaccine card QR code which I downloaded then screenshotted on my tablet which also functions as a smartphone. I tried to do it on my smaller Samsung tablet but it doesn't do screenshots. So I did it on my Huawei tablet. 

Lots and lots of people neither have a smartphone or tablet, so I guess they're fucked. I'm not just talking about homeless people. Some middle class and even rich people don't have tablets and smartphones, neither are they too tech savvy so I guess they're fucked, but they have been fully vaccinated! Again the government not thinking things through. What were the chances of that?

I'm going to Monks Office to get my card color photocopied and then laminated. I don't want to carry my tablet everywhere. I never wanted to do that. Tablets are safest at home. 

The officious draconian perfidious policy-wonkish bizarre, Rube Goldberg pain in the ass vaccine passport necessary to go to restaurants, movie theatres. I don't care. I got one and I'll use it, but knowing some people, they'll be really pissed off about this. 

Someone once told me that for every inclusion you make, you also add an exclusion. The inclusion of a vaccine passport means that a lot of people will be excluded. 

-A lot of people who got vaccinated don't have access to the technology. Even access to pay phones is circumvented during these benighted times.

-A lot of people who have access to smartphones, tablets, personal computers, etc haven't been or else don't want to get vaccinated. Ever.

-And a lot of people neither got nor ever want to get vaccinated and also don't have access to technologies. 

This would comprise a lot of people, at least 50% of the population, in fact, so the government as usual, fucking jackasses, fucking airheads, fucking troublemakers, not thinking things through as ever. What were the chances of that?

This of course only works in Province as much of health care is handled on a Provincial jurisdiction. So if you are in another Province and you're fully vaccinated and got your own home Province vaccine passport, say you're from Dawson Creek BC visiting Grande Prairie BC just across the Provincial border and you want to go to a restaurant or movie theatre, you're out of luck. No provisions exist otherwise. Again, the airhead troublemaker government not thinking things through. What were the chances of that?!

See, National Healthcare policy-wonk policy is dealt with on a Nationwide basis. Personal health is dealt with Provincially.

As if this country wasn't backwater enough. 

The politicians and health administrators on the television News don't look happy and justified and sure of themselves. 25% of all statistics are bullshit. They look like they are buckling under the weight of their own cognitive dissonance as they dismiss and deny the bits of truth and contrary  evidence that trickles to them via the messages from the anti-vaxxers instead opting to double down on whatever social experiment bullshit as Newton said, that which is in motion tends to stay in motion and is difficult to stop. Even lines of bullshit. Toe the bullshit line. 

The more time goes on, the more they expose themselves as the idiots they are. 

The News is mostly true but a little bit bullshit.

Conspiracy theories are mostly bullshit but a little bit true.

Using an email link, I was able to get a wallet-sized printed and laminated copy of my QR vaccine card. That's because I'm somewhat tech savvy like Denzel Washington in the movie The Equalizer although not that tech savvy. 

MSN Hotmail does not work on my PC at all because it uses windows 7 although it works fine on my tablet. Android always updates the latest etc. 

My friend the handicapped lady and retarded thinks she got vaccinated when she was in the hospital last summer, retarded delusion, although the vaccines weren't publicly released until December 2020. And she doesn't have a smartphone or tablet. I would let her use mine because the info itself is transferable. I would even punch in the data for her. 

Someone told me that the US has 100 million people not vaccinated. The pandemic will go on for another year and a half, he said. But that eventually it will end. Would I still be alive then? Who knows? No idea. Life is overwhelming. I am overwhelmed. I want to be normal but always wind up being crazy. Life-life is cray-cray.  I am overwhelmed with the craziness of life. How crazy I am. However lots of people are doing things way more crazy everyday like flying a jumbo jet or else airbus from North America to Asia or else to Europe. How crazy is that? That's crazy! On a scale, that's crazier than anything that I'm doing! How can they do it and keep it together in spite of the craziness?

I have an idea for a cartoon lined up but it's a surprise. I'm doubting it already of course because it's too crazy and I want to be normal, and not crazy. I need two months to research and to write a script before I even do it. What's the point? I do it and then end up getting no money for it. Waste of time. Why bother? Just like with every other cartoon I've done? What's the use of having a talent if you don't get compensated nor rewarded for it? Waste of talent. My mother died decades ago. I wish I died on the same day she did. Then neither of us would have loved to see a global pandemic on this scale. Life doesn't make sense anymore. It's crazy. My existence doesn't make sense anymore. I'm crazy!

As long as the pandemic is on, I can't do any cartoons. The added stress of taking on some project that has to be finished is too much. I have other tasks. I have to take it easy. Emily Carr, when she wasn't making money from her art decided to be a landlady. The added stress of being a landlady made her stop painting for awhile. She couldn't take on the stresses of being a landlady and of painting pictures too. Tasks is a weight, a burden. I'm thinking of moving from this town or at least from this hotel. A lot of the neighbours in this hotel who think that me and them are buddy-buddy, between you and me, I sure won't miss them when I leave. As somewhat of a traveler, I left other neighbours in other hotels and in other towns and looking back, I sure the hell don't miss them. I leave a town and never contact those people again. Like fucking ever! I'm known to do that. 

Fentanyl is available in all small towns now. So if I move to a small town and life doesn't work out, I can always just give up on life and overdose on fentanyl. That's only in extreme cases which probably won't occur. Enough people in enough small towns have given up on life using fentanyl. What's one more? 

I can't take on the burden, task, deadline of doing a cartoon and trying to survive a global pandemic with my fucking weird neighbors around me simultaneously. I can't escape the pandemic but I can escape doing cartoons. I get no money for it anyways. 

James Bay Inn restaurant. Lovely, beautiful, enchanted. My favourite. 

If I had money, I could move to the James Bay Inn. I will try to apply to be a full time janitor there and get paid full wages which is about $15-$20 an hour. Trivago, Expedia, can get deals where the rooms are $100 a night, sometimes less. See, a janitors wage can afford that. I'd love to live there year round. I'll probably meet weird neighbours too. That place has a reputation of being haunted. However enough people live and work there year round with no complaints. I'm sure some of them have good stories, but these stories add to the publicity of the place and make it more exciting to live there. It gives the place an atmosphere. The people there sense I am a thoughtful person and erudite which is more than I can say for a lot of people as they are thoughtless. I do the extra small touches which make a difference like not leaving garbage behind and picking up garbage. When eating at a restaurant, I don't leave the table messy. I stack any cutlery, empty creamers and sugar packets on top of plates and not all over the table. Or else I will surreptitiously take the empty creamers and sugar packets with me and not just leave it on the counter as I am offered a coffee on the go, for instance. I sit calmly and meditatively at restaurants trying to impart a zen give which comes from years of meditation. Do I get that kind of energy in return from the neighbours I live with now? Not nearly! A lot of them are bonkers and have a definitely un-zen energy. Some of the neighbours or at least one of them inherited over $200,000 from their dead parents. They still stayed in this hotel probably to live near my zen energy. If I inherited money like that, I'd be gone so fast it'd seem like I was gone yesterday. The feeling isn't mutual. I wouldn't still live with them if I inherited 6 figures! I'd move to a better hotel in a better city even, if it came to that. 

James Bay Inn restaurant. If I ever inherit money, I'd move here and stay here year round. This is a very beautiful place. The most beautiful place. Now that I have my vaccine passport, I have the green light, a carte blanche to eat here until the pandemic ends and beyond. This restaurant is a paradise for anyone in their 50s. I first discovered this restaurant when I was 51 years old. Regal, elegant, refined. I can't say enough good things about it.

The hotel I'm living at is a dive. What a shithole and with very intrusive neighbours always siphoning my energy with their weird shit. I told you about them. The bonkers anger management one, the one that feeds mice and pigeons, the Marfan syndrome lady who is very persnickety and very nuts, the handicapped retard lazy feeb who can't do anything for herself. The sanctimonious policy wonk landlord.  What a dramatis personnae of the wretched. 

Moving to the James Bay Inn would not be a good idea. No cooking facilities in room. No elevator in hotel. The hotel I am in has an elevator. 

I would like to stay at the James Bay Inn for at least one night in my life. I would miss my 55' 4k TV of my room. I would use my tablet to play apps offline. I would enjoy a meal at the restaurant downstairs. I would rest in the nice room with opulent bed. The rooms at the James Bay Inn each have a television. I would attempt to use the wifi for my tablet so I can see YouTube videos and perhaps the weird granny porn I like to look at, but I never tried that and don't quite know how that works. I should be able to do it. 

I thought of moving back to Dawson Creek, but for some reason even for the lack of infrastructure in town, places to live are more expensive than Vancouver! It used to be cheaper than Vancouver. It's only cheaper than Vancouver if you have connections which I think I still have. The window is closing. These people are growing old! 

I myself am growing old. In a little over 13 years, I'll be 65. No one hires people over 65 for any jobs. It's even somewhat difficult to get work at my age. 

My neighbours at this hotel although insufferable at times are mostly innocuous. They are actually good people and over time, I like them more and more, not less and less. Even if slightly. Slightly but steadily do I like them more and more. 

I'm thinking of lighting up smoking weed just before 3 am so I won't get the vivid dreams. I don't know. I'm kind of used to life without weed now. Life is always going to be somewhat scary and crazy. Life is a hassle.

I hope I die naturally in my sleep soon. During Shakespeare's time, a lot of people died in their sleep during their 50s. That was the old classic version of the body. I don't see or know what else life has in store for me that would be worth living for. 

No one reads this so what the hell. The landlord has a raw deal in life. He went to some unnamed third world country. Met a lady in a bar. Typical captain save-a-hoe. He had a child with her. She's moved to Canada to live with him but probably to make sure the money is going where its intended to. He does all the paying of the money of a father but none of the seeing the child or raising of the child as a father. The first few years of a child's life discounting the first three months colic and crying at three in the morning for the first three months are the cutest and most prime years of raising a child. After that, the potential to turn into outspoken nasty precocious brats is strong. 

The money goes in one direction. It goes to the third world family to that lady's family and none at all to his family. It's a crooked table slanted in only one direction. That's not an accident. Being on the hook for child support. Unenviable! As the saying goes, the fucking you're giving isn't worth the fucking you're getting. What a raw deal. 

The landlord showed me a picture of his child. "Is that all you get, a picture? What a raw deal, I thought. And it doesn't even look like him. Could we get a little genetic integrity here? There's no way except through a DNA test that he would know that he's the father.

Is he the actual father or not? Neither answer would surprise me. 

Why would he have to go overseas to find a girl to marry. Couldn't he find a local girl? Neither can speak one another's language well so I guess discussions of philosophy and science aren't exactly there. Just the usual boring venal gut-level conversations, "The dinner is on the table." etc etc.

The landlord certainly wouldn't be alone as thousands of not millions of men in the world are suffering under the duress of such similar raw deals.

As if going through a global pandemic wasn't bad enough! 

Every landlord has two types of tenants, those who listen and those who don't. Landlords really like to lean into those who listen. Do this, don't do this! Whereas the ones who don't listen, they go on doing their shit for years, feeding mice and pigeons, getting drunk and then pasting signs everywhere or throwing temper tantrums in their rooms or else smoking two cartons of cigarettes a week in their room and he can do or else would do nothing about that. Except the ones who do listen are more together, more disciplined and have connections to move to on to other towns. I'm moving from this town in less than two years. I'm moving back to either Vancouver, Dawson Creek, or Prince Rupert. Say what you will about Dawson Creek, you don't see people living outdoors on the streets in tents year round. Of course winters are a death sentence in Dawson Creek. Minus 20 degrees Celsius is the average winter temperature in Dawson Creek. Winters in Vancouver are more tolerable. 

The standard deal these days is find a girlfriend with a tattoo or a few tattoos. Tattoos equal turn-off. And with the to be expected committment issues, relationship burnout, potential to be on the hook for child support leading to parental caregiver burnout and then one day the child grows up and decides to get tattoos for themself too. Uh, no thanks!

It used to be only the criminal underworld and sailors had tattoos. Tattoos have since been suburbanized and now a lot of people have them.  

Getting a large tattoo or getting multiple tattoos is worse than going through a global pandemic. 

Any child born in this day and age has a 45% chance of winding up homeless and with a hard core drug addiction and tattoos too. We're not talking tobacco and weed here. We're talking harder drugs. And a 100% chance of facing heatwave and perhaps record setting temperatures every five years. This is the third week of September and still no snow in Dawson Creek. There would usually be snow already. At this rate, the World will be a desert planet in 200 years with at least half the oceans melted away. Awful! Not a world to be bringing up any children. The human species is finished. 

Doesn't the world already have enough people without needing any more? 

What's more committment issues and painful and expensive: hooking up and getting married and be on the hook for child support with a lady with one or more tattoos or get an actual tattoo myself? The jury is out on that one, as far as I'm concerned.

YouTube comment: Having a child is like bringing a person to hell without their permission.

Those tattoos you have with you for fricking life. Committment issues or what?!

Tattoos are all right. This is similar to the 60s and 70s. The hippie look with the long shaggy hair and cut off jeans looked just as shocking and intimidating. But when you got to know them, they were really nice people who were decent and valued goodness and are very intelligent people. If you got to know them, you wondered how you got on so long in life without knowing them. It would be the same with anyone with tattoos. 

Being single or else being in a relationship is trading one set of worries for another. No relationship, some slight disillusionment. Having a relationship worries about it going to the next level and what would that look like? Relationship burnout? Get married and meet the mutually hated in-laws? They hate you and you hate them? The potential for that is strong. Maybe be on the hook for child support resulting in extreme parental burnout? Being on the hook for child support is worse then going through a global pandemic.

Or leave her one day and what would that be like? It's often more difficult to leave a woman than it is to find her which is difficult enough. Hanging on words, pretending you're impressed in order to impress her. But try leaving her. The only guaranteed way to do that is to move to another town and to leave no contact information at all. I'm not a relationships kind of guy at all. I think of all the previous girlfriends I've had in years past and there's not a single one of them whom I'd be interested in hooking up with again. Not in the slightest. I don't miss them at all. What happened to them in the years since? No idea. Who cares? 

The other day, I saw a blonde lady whom I somewhat like sitting with a Black guy. Ha ha, just as well. That Black guy could probably do her properly without any fear and do it competently. 

Whereas with me, I have no confidence at all in my lovemaking abilities. I would have to get past a layer of fear to make love. I often have erectile dysfunction. My libido is half of what it once was. I'm half the man I used to be. I'm a shell of who I once was. I'm dead inside. I've pretty much given up on life and love. 

In Holland, psychiatric based euthanasia is possible. However it isn't done easily. It is still quite strict requiring years of psychiatric counselling and intervention first and they would be hell bent to discourage anyone from acquiring euthanasia before their time. 

The government, I imagined might set up euthanasia clinics for anyone who has decided that they had lived enough, has seen enough in life and want to give up on living. However, the Police who have attended enough suicide scenes would disagree. Most people have not seen even one suicide scene. However, suicide scenes are intensely sad and the look on the face and the vibe of the room  or place where they committed suicide shows a lot of psychological and spiritual suffering just before they died. This would be greatly discouraged. 

God has a plan, a mission in life for each and every one of us. No one should deny the existence of God at their very own soul's peril. God has feelings. One should always honour and generate God and to love God above all. Say the Lord's prayer whenever you can and try not to use the words 'goddamn' and 'Jesus fucking Christ' ever. 

I do love Jesus. However I wonder about his life. He upset people who it would be better not to upset. Sedition or whatever. Rock the boat, upset the apple cart. This is not setting a good example. People in positions of power or authority, it would be best not to upset them. Jesus should have, would have known that but he did it anyways and to such a level. As a result he died young, at the age of 33. Parts of the story seem supernatural like walking on water, healing the lame, the sick and the blind. Far fetched. However I do believe in Jesus. I had dreams where I saw him or at least one good dream. 

I could better smoke weed if I lived in a hotel where the landlord was encouraging or even tacitly tolerant of it. However the landlord is strictly against it. He has a sanctimonious attitude where he thinks that he's superior to every person on the planet who smokes weed. This despite him not being that highly literate. I use words like anemic and deprecating and he doesn't know what those words mean. Oh my goodness! Really?!

He would write notes and plaster them all over the hotel for he has a sign fetish, and these notes would be rife with spelling errors. 

I can't smoke weed under such auspices! I need to live in a hotel with a landlord that encourages it! 

Today, I voted for Team Trudeau. Since the PM appeared in a dream the past week too, he must want my vote. 

Today I helped Heather in the wheelchair. I was going to take her to the hair salon and then to the advance polling for her to cast her vote. I never asked her who she voted for. It's none of my business. What was supposed to be only a trip to the hair salon and then voting place turned into on her suggestion, a trip to Subway and then whoop, she lost her bank card. Walking around, coasting along normally and then another crazy blasted retarded surprise. She lost her bank card. She was going to treat me at Subway. I already ordered a sandwich and then found out she lost her bank card. So I had to pay for my Subway meal. She had enough cash on hand to pay for her own meal. Then I had to wheel her back to her apartment where she did not find her bank card. Then I had to wheel her to the bank to see if she could get a replacement card. Nope. The bank is closed. I agreed to wheel her to the hair salon whereupon I paid for her hair treatment out of my pocket. So in essence I bailed her out yet again. Always bailing her out! I thought that ended months ago. Nope. It seems that it never ends. Then I wheeled her to the voting place. What was supposed to be 1x of work turned out to be 3x of work which is normal with her. Why must the forces of life always kick me in the teeth like that? 

I give thoughtfulness and trying not to be a burden to anyone. In return, the forces of life give me thoughtlessness and a total burden in return for that. Damn the forces of life! When it comes to being an asshole, the forces of life always finds a way. Life always has to kick me in the teeth like that. All this on top of trying to cope with a global pandemic, mask mandate, vaccine passport. What a buzzkill. I can't smoke pot with all this bad crap weighing me down. The hair salon said that anyone does not need a vaccine passport to visit the hair salon. That means that I will be on the hook for wheeling her there once a month for the next few months or few years, who knows? 

Things go on longer and end sooner than one would think. That's the paradox of life. On the one hand, extra work that I didn't expect. On the other hand, there was very little to no wait at all at the hair salon today. Usually, it's a 45 minute wait! 

I visited the pub at James Bay Inn and went to the Men's Washroom which is the very exact room that Emily Carr died in. I even took a whizz. I didn't experience anything paranormal or out of the ordinary. Why would I have?

As I go through life now I am scared shitless every day. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared. Global pandemic. Having to wheel Heather to the hair salon and the little bits of work that I'm on the hook for every month because I'm a chump, I'm a sport, I'm a nice guy and nice guys finish last. Goddamn my shit personality! I should have died years ago rather than to have a personality like this. A part of me does do the work for her because I think that on any given month, any given day, she will be moved into assisted living. Even she told me that herself and I want the last days I ever spend with her living here to be kind ones. It can be exasperating. I wasn't expecting her to have lost her bank card which is really just over the top! She pays me well. She is paying me $40 for today's work which gives me a bit of guilt. I don't want to take money from a cripple but I am doing the work and I had to bail her out yet again. I wish she wasn't around sometimes to begin with. I'd rather have no work and no money than the work with the money. The money helps, I guess. I'm scared. My life is too scary and crazy now. There is no escape. 

I often go to another restaurant of sorts where the meals are free but the well heeled clientele are hard core junkies and street people with some mental health issues and I count myself as someone with mental health issues especially these days. The place is edgy. But as edgy as it is, that place doesn't have a famous artist who died in the washroom. Well, not that I know of!  So it's a toss up between which place is edgier. I don't care, either place is a very lovely place to visit. 

A YouTube video from GermanInVenice about the homeless in Beverly Hills has a homeless guy who says, "Any psychiatrist will tell you that the five people you hang around most says a lot about you." I wonder what the 5 people I hang around most have to say about me? Its proximity. The five people I hang around most live in my hotel. It wouldn't help if I were middle class. There's as much a percentage of crazy and or psychotic people amongst the middle class as there are in the lower classes. Some are more subtle about it, but it's there. Maybe the upper classes too. Lots of crazy and psychotic upper class people. I wouldn't doubt it! 

My neighbours are all right. What kind of Zen Master would I be if I were to hold things against people for years? That's not a Zen Master! A Zen Master let's things go immediately. 

I am no longer scared shitless. Every day is the same. No reason to be scared. The scariest reaches a plateau. Therefore no more scariness. 

I fell off the wagon. I had three draws of a cigarette. First time in nearly three weeks. 

Monday, September 13, 2021

Today is the first day the vaccine passports are required. How is that going to go over? Even the News said a lot of people are allergic to the vaccine which is a medical reason they can't get a second shot which is required after October 27th. A lot of people don't have access to smartphones or even a payphone even if they got the two required shots. These people could include friends and relatives of powerful politicians and ex-politicians. 

What's really off is that even with everyone in the room having documentary proof of double vaccination, the mask mandate is still on. I would have thought that it would be optional since everyone got double vaccinated. Fucking dickweed government.

The vaccine passport reminds me of the star of David that Jewish men had to wear in Nazi Germany. 

I doubt that I will be alive in one year, let alone in ten years. 

If so, why can't I just go to the hospital and get euthanized today? Why not cut out the middleman? I often think of giving up on life? Why should I care if I die? It wouldn't be as if I killed myself!  

I really like the music of an old 70s 80s funk group called Change. 

I don't believe in good deeds and good karma. There is no such thing really as good karma. If the forces of life have taught me anything it's that whatever good energy you generate, the forces of life are almost sure to return it with a worse energy or no energy at all. That's the case with people associated with. Whatever diligence whatever discipline, whatever talent, whatever thoughtfulness you generate, in return, the forces of life will dump into your lap the most undiligent, undisciplined, talentless and most thoughtless people imaginable. Damn the forces the life. I am cynical and skeptical of life and would like to check out. But does life even give me that option? I only have to endure it until my final day which will come faster and sooner than I think. I was once in my 20s. Now I'm 51. That came faster and sooner than I thought! So will my death day. 

No good deed goes unpunished. No good deed gets rewarded. There is no such thing as good karma. There is only ever bad karma. Bad karma is very real. Good karma is fictional and not real at all. 

Fuck the forces of life! They're really no good. The forces of life are valueless and useless to me.  Damn the forces of life!!!!!!

Good karma is there but it's subtle and more difficult to detect. Pervasive pessimism makes good karma difficult to detect.

Tuesday, September 14, 2021

Last night another long dream that went on and on and it was bat-shit crazy and I wasn't glad that I had it. I'm only going to talk about dreams if at all, that I'm glad I had. If I wake up from the dream feeling good, then I might talk about it. The dreams where I have it and wake up feeling awful or annoyed that I had it, I don't really have to talk about. Waste of time, waste of energy. Waste of life. 

I only hang out with people I am absolutely glad to be with. People and situations that uplift me. I only talk about dreams that I am glad that I had. Otherwise why dignify such shit through talking about it?

It's baffling that some people never married or had children. Me is one thing. Poverty will do it. And also never having met anyone I would want to marry. But what about Andrea Perron and iJustine, especially iJ. They are very well set up and seem to be a lot more together than I am especially mentally. They are not worry-warts like I am. They don't seem to be freaked out with life on a day to day basis like I am. Yet unmarried and no children. I wouldn't blame them. Marriage can lead to relationship burnout and having children can lead to parental burnout. Any responsibility that has to be done 7 days a week can and probably will lead to burnout. Burnout is real and can be very very painful. It's a buzzkill that kills all pleasure from smoking weed. I don't smoke weed anymore and I used to just love smoking weed. The thing is, my whole life is a buzzkill. Global pandemic and ongoing maintenance of a handicapped lady. The ideal is I don't work for her anymore. The reality is that I cave in, relapse and work for her. The only solution is either she or me moves out of this building. Would that ever happen? I don't see it happening. Ever. She and me will be stuck in this building - for life! Douglas Bloch said 'This too shall pass.' In this case, I doubt it. I'm stuck in a death-rut, a death-groove. However, I will never kill myself although the thought does come up at times, disturbingly. 

38 days to go until Dune is released. 

iJustine is married to YouTube and her children are her YouTube videos. 

She uploads two videos a week each and every week.

Talking about a dream where I feel awful that I had it would make me feel twice as awful. 

If i was to work as a janitor at the JBI, I'd have to visit the room where EC died on every shift. However there have been lots and lots of janitors working there over the years. I do love the vibes of the place. It's one of the few things in this town that make me feel really really happy. It's something I'd like to be a part of more. 

The Paul Anka song Having My Baby came up on the channel 420 Stingray 70s hits came up. I immediately turned the channel! No thanks! I never wanted to be a father. First of all, I don't believe in my family. My family was a bullshit awful awful set up. It's a dogshit family set up. And I don't believe in the human species. Like Sigourney Weaver said in Aliens, "I don't know which is worse. At least you don't see them screwing each other over for a goddamn percentage."

"...I've never felt so alone. Never in all my puff." Trainspotting

Never have I felt so low in all my life. Never have I felt more hopeless and without a future. If I could say another prayer to God, God please deliver me from the fear and depression of life and every day living. That's my prayer.

There is no such thing nor will there ever be a utopia. There is only ever a dystopia, forever. There is no hope. I'm doomed. Every day for me is depression and fear, fear, fear. 

September 17 days + October 31 days + November 31 days + December 31 days + January 32 days = 140 days or else 20 weeks until the vaccine passport is repealed ...maybe. I wouldn't be surprised at all if they extended it. I no longer trust them at all. Once they've broken their word a few times I no longer believe in their word at all. They're as good as their word and their word is shit. Once you lose that, you lose all public credibility. I respect them. I honour them. But believe in their word? No. They already breached their trust and once they breach that, they have nothing. Certainly not faith in their word. 

However there is an ever so slight chance that it could end sooner than that. I wouldn't hold my breath. 

I found a 26 speed mountain bike. It was just lying at the side of the road. Wicked brand. Not as good as a Kuwahara mountain bike which is what I had in Dawson Creek but good enough. An old First Nations Indian guy sold me an old used Kuwahara mountain bike for a good price. That was probably the best mountain bike that I ever had. Kuwahara is the Mercedes of mountain bikes. 

BMW is some weird nebulous mid-niche market. Not as sporty as Porsche or Lamborghini or Ferrari. Not as luxury as Mercedes or Rolls Royce. Not as stylish as Aston Martin. It's a whatever car. And not as good as a Kuwahara. 

I would abandon a so called friend with a BMW. I don't have time for useless friendships, meaningless acquaintances and relationships that go nowhere.

Useless worthless waste of time bad energy jangle. People with BMWs don't care if you abandon their friendship because people with BMWs don't have feelings anyways. Who needs feelings when you have a BMW?

A BMW is just like any oth car. It's only fun if the car is moving. Would one spend endless hours reading a book, playing tablets apps, eating meals etc in a stationary BMW? Maybe a person could get it on in the backseat of a BMW maybe a few times, but would it be every single time for years and years and years? Even in a BMW, that would be wretched. What would the seats smell like? They'd have to be sprayed down and sterilized afterwards. Tell a child that they were conceived in a back seat of a car. Is that the kind of thing a parent would tell a child and not expect the child to be weirded out even slightly? Or else the child would reply, "You say that like it's a good thing." Or else, "You say that like it's a bad thing." Either way, you lose. 

Wednesday the 15th

I'll be single for life now. I have no future love life. I'm fucked. I'm doomed. There is no hope or no future for me when it comes to finding future love and I can accept that. Sure,  me and millions of others. I'm one of the damned.

A few months ago, I found a poster. I fished it out of the garbage. Asteroid Hunters, Daisy Ridley. Turns out that today, I saw the movie at IMAX. Vaccine passport was needed before entry. I was the only single person there. Everyone else there and there was not a lot, were couples. How depressing. I hate the forces of life. 

Thurs. the 16th

ytmp3.cc/en.18/ no longer works well at all. It worked up until a couple of days ago. Now mp3 does not work. There are no other sites available.

Usually it sets the downloaded music file up as a WMP windows media player file that can open as a separate playable wmp window that plays the music. Now it says does not support file. And the music will not play. Boo!

I'll try again in a few weeks.

What does it mean to be happy? To be in a fortunate prosperous socially supportive situation free from worry and stress. Bliss, laughter, confidence joy and eudamonia.

Cognitive reframing. Eg. 20 weeks is too long. Reframed: 20 weeks goes fast. Every week goes fast. Before you know it, it's Saturday again or Sunday again or whatever again.

Eg. This is the worst thing. Reframed: I've been through worse and survived.

Eg. Life is boring. Reframed: I have a lot of things to look forward to everyday.

Will I ever be happy again or even happy for the first time? Hell if I know! I really don't know. I think I'm doomed and will be dead in less than a year from fear, worry and stress. I'm old. 51 years old. That's old!!!!!!!!!

I want to move to a better place. I think that good karma and thoughtful deeds will elevate and lift me from here. It's often bad karma, making a mess for others to clean up and thoughtlessness that will keep a person rooted to a place they want to get out of.

That's the ideal anyways. Would it be the reality? Who knows? No idea.

I just love love love love love Vancouver and Vancouver vibes. I want to move to a nice hotel possibly social housing in Vancouver. That's my utopian panacea of heaven. I look at Vancouver on Google street view and feel the sheer bliss of memories of Vancouver vibes. Once you get to know them, Vancouver has the sweetest vibes. Vancouver will always be in my heart.

That's because I've been away from Vancouver and miss it. One day after being away from Victoria for awhile, I will love and miss the Victoria vibes. 

I'm sure a lot of people miss the sweet vibes of a lot of other cities. These cities that have seen them through. 

Seeing Vancouver on Google street view is one thing. The real Vancouver is often encountering surly angry people who will every once in awhile actually follow you down the street for half a block yelling at you all the while. Vancouver memories. Victoria BC also has a bit of that but not as bad as Vancouver. All cities have that a little bit.

On January 31 2022, when the vaccine passport strictures are supposed to lift, I'm scared that they will instead extend it or something worse will happen. New more powerful strains, further vaccinations and lockdown or worse. I'm wondering if I should just give up on life. Get some fentanyl and overdose and die. And merge with the Star Wars comic book world that I have been visiting in my dreams lately. Why not just give up on life? I'm old getting older. What would be new and great and exciting for me at this point? 

I've seen some old people in the IMAX movie Asteroid Hunters. Even though old, they seem very vital, very healthy and very strong. A degree more than me, I think.

Andrea Perron said that in life, the test comes before the lesson. 

During the election campaign, different candidates brought up some issues of priority. Annamie Paul of the Green Party brought up environmental issues about the cutting down of old growth forests. And Erin OToole of the Conservatives brought up a raise for people on the disability pension. These are issues in general that will be discussed overall regardless of who wins! I hope there is a raise for people on disabilities!

The forces of life. I went to visit Suzie at a foodline. When I walked in, someone was walking out. He said rudely to me, "Just walk in!" I didn't know he'd be there. If I went there even one minute later I wouldn't have seen him. He had to be there just when I walked there. Damned forces of life! Again a disappointment. Again setting me up for some weird grim shit. I saw this guy before. I once went to another food line where Suzie was working. I was at the front of the line talking to a security guard. This guy accused me of butting in line. I wasn't butting, I was talking to the security guard! Damn shit forces of life! I have life! I'm done with life but it seems life isn't done with me otherwise I would be dead. Life is as useless to me as I am to life. And I was in a shit sandwich. That guy was grim but when I told Suzie that I didn't want to go to the Tuesday food line ever again for life, she asked me to reconsider. Why? Every time I go there, it's a rushed affair. I get two minutes to talk to her before she dismisses me saying, "See you next Tuesday!" Only for the same shit to happen next Tuesday. Given the bum's rush. What an extraneous energy jangle. Extraneous variable.  And then her friend which she gives a ride in her BMW shuffles like a crab in that weird way towards me knowing she is rubbing it in my face, "I get the rides in the BMW and hi don't! But you're the special One. The talented artist one!" That's stuff I wouldn't have to see or think about if I don't go there. That's why I don't want to go there anymore - for life! Who needs that extraneous shit energy! I would explain all this to her, but I don't have time and it sounds like complaining which would be deemed as crazy. Don't go and as the British say, "Don't complain and don't explain." Just don't go without explanation. Ghost her!

Her friend is a good person. Friendly. She keeps Suzie company on the otherwise boring one hour long drive each way to work. Suzie coopted her to volunteer, waking up at five am, starting at 6 am and working til 10 am. Her friend is pushing 70! Even at that age she has the vitality and energy to wake up at 5am and to work! Amazing! 

"It's all just a status symbol. Clothes, cars, they're just a way to say fuck you to someone else. People need cars. No one needs a $100,000 car except to say fuck you to someone who can't afford it." The Experience, movie 

Dynamics between two people can change over time. You can outgrow a friendship. I never want to see Suzie ever again. Although I will always wish her the best. Love is the most powerful thing in the Universe. More powerful than fear or despair. 

I'm already shit on from below for helping my handicapped lady friend. To also be shit on from above too via Suzie and the BMW is too much of a juggling act. Her BMW activates my HPA or else the hypothalamus - pituitary - adrenaline axis which is the source of burnout and or hard-core clinical depression. 

Suzie is a narcissist and or psychopath. She always says, "You think too much." or else "You're too serious." YouTube videos say that anyone who says that is either a narcissist and or a psychopath. YouTube comment: "If she's such a nice lady, why do I feel scared and depressed when I think of her?" That's the essence of a narcissist. It's a red flag. 

In a few years, Suzie will be 70. Anyone over 70 has to retake their driver's licence test. Too old to drive. If I avoid the foodline where she works for a few years, chances are, I'll never see her ever again. I'll never hate her or be angry with her. I will always wish her the very best. She did give me great advice. She said, "Lots of people I know are old. You don't have to be afraid of getting old as long as you are in good health."

"If you decide that something is wrong and you do it, you commit an error difficult to redress." G.I. Gurdjieff

I hate this town. Too much bad energy. Too much soul sucking energy draining vampiric situations. Working for the handicapped lady too. I'm thinking of moving to Vancouver. I thought there was no accommodations or vacancy in Vancouver. Wrong. There is a chain of hotels which have several hundred rooms. I called one of these hotels on the phone and they said rooms were available. I'm thinking of moving to Vancouver. The good vibes and nostalgia of ages past hits me hard and I feel good thinking I can hook up again with that heavenly energy of Vancouver's Downtown Eastside. Every day there feels like old time Christmas to me because I've known it from years past. It's baffling that a lot of people are homeless when there is vacancy. Some people don't like hotel living. They find it cramped, lots of rules and regulations and a lot of them have hard core drug issues. I'm talking intravenous drug use, regular meth or crack cocaine use and the hotels and such people mutually want to avoid one another. If so one does is smoke tobacco or weed or not even that, they can move there. 

This town has an Our Place with daily lunch and dinner free. Downtown Eastside has Salvation Army Harbour Light which only has free lunch on Tuesdays and Thursdays and free dinners only on Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. There are other places. The Evelyn Saller Centre aka The 44 Club has low cost meals. Carnegie Centre has low cost gourmet dinners including cedar plank salmon plus salad plus desert and beverage for around $5. Not bad. There's also the Lookout and Catholic charities which offer free meals from time to time. There used to be Saturday morning breakfasts in this town but it closed due to the damned pandemic. When the pandemic is over, it will start up again.

"For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the courage to start all over again.”

F Scott Fitzgerald or else Benjamin Button

I won't write ever again if I could help it. I trust and honour God and have reverence for God even though the forces of life seem to disappoint and scupper me all the time. If a man does not have reverence and love for God, he has nothing. Howard Storm taught me that. I will try to never take the Lord's name in vain ever again. Even though I never got paid for my years of cartoons, I still have reverence for God. But Hollywood movies takes the Lord's name in vain often. Why is that? 

I try to remember to say the Lord's prayer often whenever I can even if it is to whisper it while walking down the street. "Our Father which art in heaven, hallowed be thy name..."

It makes a big difference. The pandemic would not drive out my faith in God and Jesus despite the disappointments, the depression and the fear I always feel on a day to day basis. 

Displacement behaviour. When you catch someone looking at you, right at that moment, they pretend to do something else so as to hide their interest. 

The movie Nine Days will be released on DVD and blu ray on November  2nd,  2021.

11/2/2021 = 1+1+2+2+0+2+1=9.

At about 7 pm as I walked past a McDonalds, there was a person lying prostrate outside. There was a crowd around him. A Police Officer on the street noted that and raced to his squad car and quickly drove over there. Within three minutes a sailing fire engine and two paramedic vans were there on the spot. It was a fat man wearing a white t-shirt. It didn't look good. I'd say there is a 50% chance that he's dead. I hope not. McDLT. McDOA. Again, I hope not. The News didn't talk about it. 

I thought of doing a short cartoon about Emily Carr's monkey called Woo. 

She got the monkey at a pet store the site of which is now Kit and Kaboodles toys on Government Street. She traded it for one of her griffon dogs which the pet shop owner thought would move faster than a monkey. 

The monkey became fast friends with Emily Carr. It made friends with some of her pets. One time the monkey ate green paint and nearly died. 

Finally when Emily Carr grew old and sick, the monkey was moved to the old monkey house in Stanley Park where it died a year later. 

It would only be a short cartoon. I ought to make a space cartoon similar to a Star Wars theme instead. I don't know when I'll do it. The pandemic has really knocked the wind out of my sails. I shouldn't live my life in fear. I have no more to fear today than I did yesterday. Even the few and far in between assholes and jerks only bother me for a few seconds to two minutes and that's it. They're gone soon after. It's not like they're lecturing me for hours. Good God, they're not that energetic! 

I would want to do the cartoon while I am in Victoria and not after or if I move back to Vancouver. Victoria BC is the place to do a cartoon about Emily Carr's monkey. I am aiming for a 30 second cartoon. The start of the song from Central Line - Walking Into Sunshine would be excellent for a cartoon about a monkey. 

I've gone back to smoking tobacco. Tobacco interferes with my mind gut axis which probiotics usually addresses. I feel the cramp in my gut of fear and depression again now. I should quit again. Some people have quit tobacco a hundred times! While others smoke it into their eighties and beyond with no problems. 

Saturday, September 18, 2021

Last night all dreams hit the sweet spot. I know I dreamed but don't remember the dreams too much if at all. Better than the ultra vivid scary crazy shit. 

"I'm going to treat it like a UFO. I saw something, but I'm not sure what it was." Sean Young, Stripes

I live in fear each day every day now. I wake up in fear and stay in fear all day. I need a miracle to take away my fear. I've always been afraid of course but before I never gave it much thought. Now I focus on it. 

I used to be noticeably more confident and have more clarity. My biggest wish is to have that again. 

It will take an absolute miracle to take away the fear. "Don't give up five minutes before the miracle." AA

Giving up implies suicide. I won't do that! I just hope a miracle shows up for me. 

The U curve. Age 46 - 54 can be the greatest time of midlife crisis. I hope this is just a phase. Most people in their 60s are happier than people in their 50s, I think.

I'm scared shitless every day. I'm scared to smoke weed. But after 30 years of smoking, the new routine of not smoking is scary. I don't know if I'll ever smoke regularly ever again. It had its advantages. It marked time and therefore sped up time. Pot can mellow you out....

Lots of potheads claim that it is medicinal. It takes the edge off. 

If I was rich in Vancouver, I'd like to live at Parkview Towers at Vanier Park. But being poor, I'd choose to live at a Downtown Eastside SRO.

I don't know if I should visit pandemicky Vancouver next week. Vancouver is better without the pandemic. I plan to visit UBC but I'd only do a quick once over walking through it just once. 

"Anthony Bourdain hurried to places only to hurry out of them again." Roadrunner

Museum of Vancouver only does booking online in advance. Before a person could just show up anytime. And how long would I be spending at the exhibits? A minute here, a minute there. Is it worth it? 

Besides you need proof of vaccination etc. It's a scary side that I never known before. 

Maritime Museum of Vancouver and Museum of Anthropology you could just show up anytime and those museums have the strongest good vibes, the strongest nostalgia and sweet vibes. But again, a minute here, a minute there. I can visit via Google street view and still get the good sweet vibes but going there in person is the best. 

However I still feel fear everyday now. How can I go in fear?

I've decided that visiting Vancouver would not be a good idea. Too much to do in one day. I'd want to visit UBC, the Museum of Anthropology, Granville Street and the Downtown Eastside. I might have to stay overnight to see it all. I'd also want to visit Vanier Park. Perhaps even the Maritime Museum. 

Two reasons I shouldn't go. One, a pandemic Vancouver would be a worse incarnation of Vancouver. Go after the pandemic? The distance there and the number of people I'd have to pass would make it a half ass superspreader event for me. 

Also, until the handicapped lady moves into assisted living, I would go to Vancouver with fears of my future obliterated with having to do chores for her indefinitely. I'm always compulsively doing chores for her. I can't help it. I'm weak that way. I see something that needs cleaning and I clean it. I'm fucked. I'm doomed. I have no future. When or if the pandemic ends next year, I might just move to Vancouver then especially if the handicapped lady hasn't moved into assisted living. Also life in this town is a very limited fishbowl existence that's driving me crazy. Just crazy. I'm crazy with boredom. All small towns are a fishbowl existence. I do somewhat fear the mean crowded streets of the downtown Eastside full of needle addicts and or the mentally ill. But most of them are good people and a lot of them are smart intellectuals. The downtown Eastside has a certain nostalgic vibe once you get to know it. I see it on Google Street view and I get the good vibes. I miss it. Homesick. Just about every 80s song really reminds me of downtown Vancouver. I often think that I might be killed if I move back to Vancouver just because. But my life is going nowhere anyways.

If my temporarily handicapped lady friend was to move into assisted living, I'd miss her! I really would. I love her! She is a loving person. So I don't mind doing things for her. It's not like working for hours on end.  Each time, it's just no more than for a few minutes. I can do that. Love is more powerful than fear. It's the only thing that can overcome fear. 

Sunday, September 19, 2021

I have weird vivid almost nightmare dreams every night. These last few weeks my Jesus like spirit guide hasn't been seen either. I get weird vivid scary dreams every night. So much so that I've concluded that when I die I won't go to heaven or hell. Its rare for someone to be good enough to go to heaven. It's also somewhat rare for someone to be bad enough to go to hell. I think that most people including myself will go to the chaotic holographic carbon copy of Earth with its strange other set of physics. 

Dune 2021 is available, the full movie on 9pm dot to. It's in SD or shit definition. If I watch it, it will spoil the movie in big screen which I plan to see. So I won't watch it. It is somewhat tempting and scary that it's there. 

I live my life in fear. Adolescence is also a time of fear. A few years ago one was a child. A few years later they will be a full adult with adult responsibilities. In this day and age of omen doesn't get it together they can expect to be homeless as real estate is out of reach. Gone are the days one could work at a sawmill or as a librarian and live in a detached home. An apartment or a small condo is the best they could do. But back then there were no big screen TVs and no internet. A glass television with only so many channels is the best they could do. In time I will get over my fear. 50 is a prime age for midlife crisis. A few years ago one was younger. A few years later they will be older with failing health and the fear of death being that much closer. I think God will abandon me and leave me to live eternity in nightmare limbo. One might always be trapped in the code of the time they were born in. I might always be born and reborn and reborn again in around the year 1970 or thereabouts. Always. 

Ways to deal with fear. Makes jokes all day long. Have things to look forward to. Listen to music. Today is no scarier than yesterday. Tomorrow will hopefully be no scarier than today.

Instead of being an ordinary city guy who's a hypochondriac scaredy cat, I have reinvent myself as a Jedi Knight, a Paul Atreides type of person, a hero. Paul Atreides has vivid dreams and it makes him a more awesome hero, not a less awesome one. Just wake up laughing at last night's vivid dream. Chances are, even if you've written it down and even drew a picture of it, in two months you'll totally forget that you ever had it. There are tons of two hour movies that I forgot I've ever seen, lots of five hundred page novels I've forgotten I've ever read let alone half hour dreams!  

I am a Jedi Knight. I am as awesome a hero as Paul Atreides. 

Even if old, one can be a hero too like Ben Kenobi, Rahm Kota, or the old man in the Jackie Chan movie Drunken Master. Old and a hero. 

That's the only way to get rid of fear.

Monday, September 20, 2021

So many disruptions and inconveniences today. And last night another wacky crazy shit dream barely remembered. Damn the forces of life absolutely! I hate the forces of life! Just hate it! When it comes to being an asshole, life always finds a way. If the forces of life felt about me exactly what I feel about it, I would be dead already. I'm 51 years old. Haven't I loved long enough? I wish I could die. Just slip away quickly and painlessly. I've seen it all or else I've seen enough. No reason for me to go on living. Life is tawdry. Life is a tedium. What future do I have left? I have no future so why not just cut out the middle man? I hope to move to Vancouver when the pandemic is over. The downtown Vancouver vibes..... It's calling me. This town is a less infrastructurally developed fishbowl existence. I want out. 

I gotta give credit where credit is due. Today my girlfriend bought me a big Mac and a Vietnamese chicken sandwich. And today I saw a lady from church whom was very kind to me. All this despite me railing against the forces of life. Why would life still be kind to me after what I said about it? 

I installed Firefox on my PC and was able to see the first few seconds of Dune 2021. Enough! I don't want the movie spoiled. Installing and then uninstalling Firefox gave me anxiety. Installing and or uninstalling any app gives me anxiety. Every microdecision gives me anxiety. John C McGinley as a doctor said on a Doctor Mike video about probiotics, "Stop getting worked up over small things!"

I am starting the Emily Carr monkey cartoon today. It will be another amateur one man hack job of a cartoon. Like all my cartoons. I have over 500,000 views in total but no money. I still don't know how to Hook my YouTube account up to pay pal or I did it over ten years ago under a different address and bank account no longer active. That pay pal account is probably no longer active. Who cares? 

No one reads this blog. My taste in porn is fucked. Granny porn? Really?! That's why I firmly believe that I have no future and certainly I will never find true passionate love ever again. I'm doomed. If I'm so doomed I wonder if God would be so God and understanding enough to finish me off. 

My friend told me he had sex with an Asian masseuse for $100. That's prostitution. If I did that, with my luck I'd see the masseuse at a supermarket checkout for instance or at some other public place. "Why don't you come back again and get a massage again?" Pressure to get you on the hook to return to something. Anything. Easy $100 for her. Besides I haven't had sex in so long that I'm out of practice. I'd be lousy at it. My libido is half dead. Maybe I'm half dead. 

Opus of a Dream is a movie about a man who is about to hang himself, to commit suicide and then he meets a little girl who is blind. Twist. The blind girl is the ghost of his daughter who died. 

I don't think I'll ever have a daughter. I'm 51 years old. That ship has sailed. 

I have no future. The words me and future are an oxymoron. My only future is poverty and masturbation. 

Covid cases are rising and rising in BC. Cases for children are really rising and Covid vaccines won't be available for those under age 5 until the end of the year. Children and those under 5, it goes without saying haven't been vaccinated. With sharply rising cases, it isn't the best idea to visit Vancouver. Or is it? The exception seems to be for those fully vaccinated and wearing a mask all the time. There are TV ads encouraging people to travel! Or else Vancouver will be there next year!

"One thing about the ghetto, You don't have to hurry, It'll be there tomorrow, so brother don't you worry." Ghetto Life, Rick James

Vancouver and the much loved nostalgic Downtown Eastside will be there tomorrow, or next year in case I decide not to go. I'm fully vaccinated. I should go. Vacations often are life changing experiences for the better. Doctor Bonnie Henry herself often travels between Vancouver and Victoria. 

PM Justin Trudeau called an election hoping for a majority govt. Well that sure didn't happen. 2 months and $650 million dollars later. He was hoping for the John Horgan effect. Trudeau might still do an Andrew Wilkinson or a Donald Trump and say, "There are still ballots to be counted." referring to the 3,000 mail in ballots to be counted tomorrow. $650 million to be in the same place as they were a few weeks ago when Parliament dissolved. How Canadian. Maybe. Selling an election during a fourth Wave of a pandemic wasn't the best idea. Green Party Leader Annamie Paul lost her riding getting 8% of the vote. "8%. I'm strong beer." She could say that but probably won't. 

The Green Party has been known for internal infighting for quite some time. The details of which, who knows? 

Apparently places like Paisley Bay, Norman Wells, Tuktoyaktuk and Baffin Island voted NDP. Baffin Island? That's Baffining, I mean baffling! I didn't know that anybody actually lives on Baffin Island. In my town, predictably, the NDP candidate Laurel Collins won. Congratulations. Although, I voted for Nikki McDonald aka #OceanNIKKI, the Liberal Team Trudeau candidate. Interestingly, Nikki McDonald's people sent me a postcard. How did she know I voted for her? 

170 seats are needed for a majority government. PM Trudeau got 156 seats. 14 seats short. That must be painful. Would Trudeau try for a coalition government? Con 123 plus BQ 29 plus NDP 28 plus Green 2 = 182. 156 governing vs the oppositional 182 rest. It will be a tough slog for PM Trudeau. 

I think a majority government always means a mandate driven dictatorship. Minority government is more stable although minority government also means an ineffectual not much can be changed too much bickering government. Either way you lose.  

The election went so wretchedly that I wish I could use a time machine to go back in time and get my mother to delay her conception by two months of more. That way, I wouldn't have to be around to see all of this. Knowing that my life had turned out like this I would do it. YouTube hinted that time machines and time travel will be available to the public in 2028. If so, I have to go back in time and convince my mother to delay her conception. Abortion is too harsh. It would be on her conscience and mine. Delaying conception by two months is better. 

I might yet be able to do this in 2028. I will leave her a note saying, "You should wait two months before you conceive. I am the one you otherwise conceived. My life turned out most wretchedly and failingly. I never became successful. So why not do it? If you have another child instead, none of my problems in life would be my problem." How's that for a plan?

Mathematically, PM Trudeau could form a majority coalition govt with any of the other Parties except for the Green Party. Realistically, the Liberals are centrist but left of center so he'd be unlikely to form a coalition with the Cons. With the BQ, forget it. The Leader of the BQ is a strong personality and is against Trudeau. PM Trudeau and Jagmeet Singh coalition? Come on, forget that. Those two are very different people! No coalition in sight. 

Tuesday, September 21, 2021

Last day of summer. 

"I'm in love I'm in love and I don't care who knows it!" Elf

I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared and I don't care who knows it. The pandemic and other pressures and responsibilities has got me scared. Can a person die from stress? Sure! The stress will bring about a weird OBE NDE and that can lead to my death. I've had OBEs and NDEs before. The Gods will say, "All right, you've had enough chances. No more chances!" And I'll be dead. I'll either away and die from the stress. ETA less than one year. All things scare me now. I don't know how I'll survive.

Any trip to Vancouver is cancelled. It's scary enough going when it's normal let alone during a pandemic with rising number of cases. 

God help me or God kill me. Take your pick. I'm doomed.

Fear can save you money. Afraid to do something that costs money? I've saved a few dollars.

Schoolchildren are the next in line to be vaccinated. They are all in one central location so there's no waiting for them to show up or not from all different locations like adults. 

Except for the ones their parents won't allow to be vaccinated, they should all be vaccinated quickly. The vaccines for schoolchildren will be released in a few weeks to a couple of months. Hopefully this makes the pandemic end that much sooner turning into from a pandemic to an endemic.

Wednesday, September 22, 2021

Lord of the Rings from Netease Games is no longer available. I preregistered for it, was offered it, changed my mind and uninstalled it. Now I wouldn't mind checking it out. But it's no longer available on the Google Play store. It was released on September 21. That's life. 

At age 51, my fears are many. Fear of growing old and what lies ahead. Fear of moving to Vancouver and fear of not moving. Vancouver is a large city. It's too big of a city to find oneself alone and friendless all of a sudden. One the honeymoon period wears off in two months to a year, any escape eventually becomes a trap. 'What were once vices are now habits' The Doobie Brothers. What were once escapes are now traps. 

Fear of the pandemic. A global pandemic is uncharted waters. It's not as if I could say, "I've been through a few of these and things will be all right."

Will I die of Covid? How long will these restrictions last? 

My father appeared in a dream. A much longer dream of a flurry of images difficult to pinpoint. I was happy to see him, believing I was awake and seeing him, the dream seemed so real at the time. He was stern. For two reasons. One, as if to say, "You think you are awake but you are in a dream!" and also, "I'm dead and you don't know it!" I saw him in a department store. I was showing him I could do backflips which is a modified aerial cartwheel. At least I know now that vivid dreams are a sign of good health. 

Microdecisions like 'Should I go to this restaurant or not?' and 'What should I order? Should I order it or not?' sends me into a spiral of low grade anxiety. I want to get my confidence and clarity back. Every man gets what he wishes for, eventually. This is what I most wish for. One day, I'll get it back. I just have to stumble upon a timely piece of advice that changes everything.

I'm smoking tobacco cigarettes regularly now. So there's that. 

"You have nothing to fear but fear itself." US President Franklin D Roosevelt

All things being equal, moving from one town to another is simply trading one set of advantages and disadvantages for another. Unless it's moving to a lot worse place like Kabul, Afghanistan. 

The trick is to focus on the advantages of this town and the disadvantages of the other town not the disadvantages of this town and the advantages of the other town. 

This town has the advantages of everything within walking distance or a short bus ride away. The streets are relatively junkie free. I have a good audio visual set up. Internet, 55" 4K television. Old Windows 7 PC and tablets. The disadvantages of this town are that it's a fishbowl existence. The same scene day in day out can drive one batty. 

The advantages of Vancouver is the heavenly Vancouver vibes. Vanier Park, UBC, there's no vibes like it and it's sweet and heavenly.  There's lots of scenes, lots to do and see in Vancouver. Disadvantages of Vancouver is the streets of the downtown Eastside has lots of junkies. It's be like moving from a minimum security prison to a medium security prison. It's a large sprawling city requiring a bus pass to visit a lot of places. I'd have to get a new audio visual set up there and that costs money and effort. In time you can always get better tech for cheaper. I could wind up with a better television in Vancouver or here. 

"Once you lose your line you never get it back." Cate Blanchett, Benjamin Button

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall....

I snapped during the pandemic. I cracked. I fell off the wall. I lost my line. I don't know if I can ever be put back together again. Some old people are senile. I might be getting senile. The pandemic has rewired my brain and not for the better. For the worse. I live in fear every day.

"Fear." "Fear?" "Fear." "Fear?" "Fear." "Fear?" The Terminal starring Tom Hanks

I live in fear every day. 

I used to masturbate at least twice a day. Now it's once at most. I'm gone. I'm half the man I used to be. I wonder if I even have a future. 

What will happen to my handicapped lady friend? Will she walk again? Or be moved into assisted living? Or will I have to work for her for life? If she gets moved, I will always miss her somewhat. No good future. Either way I lose with this one. My future is fucked. 

"You're going to crack!" Ninth Sister to Cal Kestis, Jedi Fallen Order

I cracked three months ago. I'll probably never be restored. I'm doomed. I have no future except anxiety and fear. 

No man or God can or will help me. 

I'm baffled that I'm still alive. What will it take for me to get my confidence back? Money. Lots of money. If that. I'm doomed. 

Thursday, September 23, 2021

In the unlikely case that I might die of Covid, I am not afraid. In that case, I don't ever have to worry about ever being on the hook for child support. One can't get covid in the afterlife. Any minor or major aches and pains all gone. The dreams I have these days are a feverish flurry of a thousand images in 40 minutes. Too much to describe. So I won't try. 

I wouldn't mind staying in the afterlife full time if it's anything like the dreamworld. The dreamworld is no more or less crazier than waking life. A lot of dreams are pretty good. In the dreamworld, I often have quick romances. I resent waking up from these dreams. 

Last night my dream was a young White brown haired crew cut man was driving me in a car on a bridge. I got out of the car and saw a young couple sitting on a bench. I looked back to again see the blonde haired lady whose face was then partially by her male friend.

I then went to a West End hotel next to the bridge that I used to stay at. The hotel I was looking at minutes before the dream on Google street view and thus it was incorporated into the dream. I went through a wrong door leading to the center of the hotel. Endless windowless unlit hallways. Some of the doors of the rooms were metallic and grey instead of the usual brown or else white wooden doors. I was lost. I can back to the lobby and told that this other door led outside. In one room near the lobby lived a brown long slightly curly haired young lady I used to know. She was very sweet with me, even sexual. She told me she was often expecting guests. Then a young Chinese gangster wearing all white, white pants, white jacket sat next to me to my right and told me he was attacked. I said, in Cantonese, "Gumm yim Joong?" So serious? I then said, "Yew boe saow." Revenge is needed. Dream over. 

All white equals Royal!

More to the dream but I won't get into it. 

It's baffling. The museum's in Vancouver are very beautiful and have such heavenly vibes that I'm surprised I don't see more people there. Often, I would be just about the only one there. I certainly never see any junkies from the downtown Eastside ever visiting there. 

This includes the Museum of Vancouver, the Maritime Museum of Vancouver, and the Museum of Anthropology. 

Prisoners of the Ghostland. Watched on 9pm dot to. I feel asleep midway through. Woke up to see the ending. It's Nicholas Cages craziest movie. That's saying something. It's crazier than Mandy. At one point, the geisha girls called the Governor a loser saying he had no money. This is inconsistent with reality. In Japan, there is a very much accepted group of people called the Hikikomori who are reclusive men who rarely ever leave their apartment. Sometimes 'sisters' are hired to lure them back into mainstream society. In Japan, the art of being a loser has been elevated to a science. 

I don't know if in real life Nicholas Cage can swordfight as good as he does in the movie. 

The movie is no more or less crazier than the dreamworld. It has the same crazy feverish  nightmare pacing of an actual dream. 

In the movies Prisoner of the Ghostland and in the movie Shang Chi Ten Rings, in either movie was a lady named Suzie. Would it be a reference to the Suzie who I know? That's delusional! It's as delusional as thinking that it was a reference to Emily Carr's white rat named Suzie.

I also watched Cry Macho on 9pm dot to. Same drill. Fell asleep midway through. Woke up three minutes before it ended. Clint Eastwood is crazier and braver at age 91 than I am at age 51. Absolutely fearless! 

In the movie, Dwight Yoakam age 64 has a 13 year old child meaning that he sired a child in his 50s. That is rare. I doubt I would ever be siring any children in my 50s. 

Frozen Ghost is a great 80s group. The music always takes me to a happy place. End of the Line, Round and Round and Should I See, and Pauper in Paradise are good songs

A YouTube uploader called The Pursuit of Wonder in the video,  Utopia The Perfect Amount of Awful is a great video. Life would be boring and meaningless with only bliss and perfection. There needs to be sad repairing and fearful moments offsetting the perfect blissful moments so we would know the difference. Going through difficulties and challenges are accomplishments which makes them meaningful. There needs to be jerks in life so that we can appreciate those who are special to us that much more. Etc etc. I won't spoil the video. 

Friday, September 24, 2021

Meng Wenzhou of Huawei has been freed! The US withdrew their extradition request. She boarded a plane back to China. That's great! Some good news. Sometimes the News on television has good news. I often don't watch the News. Today, I did. 

The 2 Michaels, Kovrig and Spavor are also on a plane back to Canada. Quid pro quo. 

Good news all round. 

Graditem ferociter. Small steps made with deliberation and confidence.*

*Source: Joe Scott. Why Go To Space? YouTube

From my weird shit crazy dreams, I augur that either there is no God or else there is only just random crazy chaotic forces. There is no organized heaven. The afterlife is one long  extended perpetual chaotic bat-shit crazy dream. And I'll have another one coming up tonight, and the night after, and the night after, and the night after, etc. Bat-shit crazy dreams scare the shit out of me. 

Tuesday, September 28, 2021

3 weeks and 3 days until Dune is released in theatres. The only way to see it. I need to see this in IMAX. 

Covid is rising in schools. The issue is that school children aged 5 - 11 haven't been vaccinated. The solution is a two to three week hiatus and get the children to be vaccinated in small groups. There may or may not be a vaccine available for a schoolchildren. Couldn't they get a truncated dosage? For eg if an adult gets a 75cc innocuoation, couldn't children get a 35cc to 40cc dosage? 

Unvaccinated people in East Fraser Valley can only be together inside or outside in groups no more than ten people. This includes weddings etc. 

I doubt the vaccine passport will be over on January 31. It will be extended. Unless enough are vaccinated to reach herd immunity.  So many unvaccinated people refusing to be vaccinated! The Three Percenters* most likely won't get vaccinated. Vaccine passport is better than no restaurants or movie theatres or sports arenas and nightclubs and Churches closed completely which they were at one point.

'Prohibition is better than no alcohol at all.' 

Vaccine passport required is better than no restaurants being open at all. 

Loophole: Once restaurant staff have seen you quite a few times with the vaccine passport and know you, they don't bother asking to see the vaccine passport anymore. 

*FBI Most Wanted: Patriots. Season 3 episode 2

Totally quiet nights shouldn't be thought of it sounding like another night of pandemic death death death or like the World died. I would rather think of it as time machine night. This is how the city just about sounded like every night 100 years ago. Or else how it would sound like on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. It's Christmas every day! In very small towns it sounds like that every night, pandemic or no pandemic. The nights are a hundred times quieter than usual. Would you prefer it to be a hundred times louder with air raid sirens, machine gun fire and two buildings over being bombed like it was in Europe during world War Two? A hundred times quieter is better. It will be a slight culture shock when the day comes that the pandemic is over and the city sounds like it usually does complete with the sound of sirens, musical instruments like drums and trumpets and the sound of groups of drunks and otherwise street psychos yelling in the street. Come to think of it, I don't know which I prefer....

There is such a nursing shortage that vocational schools should have government subsidized nursing courses. All tuition and cost of textbooks waived plus the school pays you an honorarium or a stipend if you completely graduate from the course. Free meals too. This of course means no paying back student loans to worry about. Nursing is a unionized job that makes good money. One can afford an apartment or condo and a car as well. And an annual vacation. Also nursing wages should be raised significantly as an added incentive to keep those on the workforce. If I see a notice for free nursing courses, I might study to be a nurse myself. That is, might. 

The risks are caregiver burnout, nosocomial infections and white coat fever, that is the nurse delusionally believing they got the same disease as the patients. 

The Province needs 40,000 nurses by 2029.

The News said lots of nurses are leaving the profession. Could the get the jab or lose the job have something to do with it? 

With or without the pandemic, other problems present themselves. I'm old, in my 50s and getting older with all the evils attendant on that, and I have no future. I get the weirdest vivid and sometimes scary dreams at night. Whatever. I'm living in a fishbowl existence of a town. Boredom. Ennui. And I have to take care of 'Tiny Tim', or else a handicapped lady indefinitely. I got a lot of weird neighbours. Even when the pandemic is over I still have those problems. Those problems have nothing to do with the pandemic and vaccine passports. They are mutually exclusive problems.

Wednesday, September 29

My one biggest wish is to feel bliss every day for the restof my life. I would rather feel bliss during times of crisis than to feel depressed during times of great happiness. I felt bliss three times in the past month. 1st time, Thursday August 26 after a trip to the art gallery. 2nd time. Saturday August 28 after a trip to Sidney BC. Sunday September 12 after going to a Church. Bliss all throughout the rest of the day. This was all after my but out on July 1st when I thought I would be dead in a month let alone thinking I could never feel blissful ever again. These days whenever I think of Vancouver and the Vancouver Museum and the Maritime Museum of Vancouver also thinking of Christmas time at Oppenheimer Park I feel elevated levels of blissful homesickness. So homesick that I want to move back to Vancouver. 

If I move back to Vancouver that would mean abandoning caring for "Tiny Tim". 

 

However I would like to know the James Bay Inn restaurant for at least one year. The first time I visited was on Saturday August 21. I would like to experience at least one Christmas at the JBI restaurant. That restaurant has a very nice and heavenly smell. It's a place ideal for older people in their 50s like me. It is a restaurant for all ages. My dream is to stay there but at $200 - $300 a night, it's too pricey for me. Maybe if I get rich and famous from my cartoons but how? My cartoons are too amateur. Most cartoons have more people working on them and looks sharper, more polished. But not all. I hope that the spirit of Emily Carr can be my friend and guide and lead me to take and fortune and most importantly, bliss forever. I honour her with my latest cartoon. How many animators have made a cartoon of Emily Carr? Not many if any. She would like it that someone made an animated cartoon of her and her monkey 🐒 Woo. 

A great YouTuber is Jean Claude Van Couver. The greatest videos. And every time a time capsule will be opened in the future, he plans to be there, even one to be opened in 2080. 

His videos bring me the bliss of Western Vancouver vibes, Vancouver museum, Jericho beach, Kits Beach, Spanish Banks, etc. His videos about Vancouver are very blissful and bring about bliss and homesickness for Vancouver. The nostalgia I feel watching this video can not be overstated. Intense nostalgia for sure. 

Jean Claude Van Couvers voice accompanies this video excellently and amplifies the nostalgia I feel for Vancouver and times past. A few weeks ago, I thought the past was scary. His videos of Jericho Hostel and the Maritime Museum of Vancouver makes the past intensely beautiful and nostalgic.

He is not too lazy to travel between Vancouver and Victoria on the boat like yours truly. 

His videos of the West side of Vancouver and the museums there are a taste of heaven. 

His crowning jewel is the video of Jericho hostel. A chance to stay at the West side of Vancouver overnight! At $30 a night even I could afford it. That's if you don't mind 4 beds or two bunk beds in a room shared accomodation. The options are men only, women only or coed rooms. I don't care what room I get. Whatever's available. It's only open from May 17 to September 30 so tomorrow night, maybe even tonight is the last day available this year. Just my luck to have first heard of it today on September 29. The mixture of clean orderly military vibes plus West side of Vancouver vibes brings about a lot of bliss. Good vibes. I will always thank JCVV for making that blissful video. Jericho hostel has a private Sergeants suite but that's $247 a night. Pricey! 

If I inherit money, I would stay at the sergeants suite for one week or more.

I really wish that the Jericho hostel could be open year round even for singles and not just for groups. 

There is also a Point Grey Guest house and a Spanish Banks beach house that also serves as somewhat pricier hostels. 

September 30, I wrote to Jean Claude Van Couver on YouTube and he wrote back! 

I am homesick and want to move back to Vancouver. The idea is to feel the bliss of this town as much as I feel about Vancouver. If I feel bliss in any form, even Vancouver homesickness bliss or Sunday vibes, then perhaps I already do feel bliss about this town. Sunday vibes in a town is the root of future bliss in that town especially if you move away for awhile and miss it. 

If I move away from here back to Vancouver, for sure one day I will look back on Victoria and miss it. The grass is never greener on the other side. 

"I was in such a hurry to get off the ranch. Then when we sold it, I missed it more than I ever thought possible." My American Cousin, 1986 movie

If I move back to Vancouver, one day, there will come a day when I would miss Victoria intensely. I would see a YouTube video or use Google street view and miss the town. But also feel the bliss of good sweet memory.

I have a thing for missing towns I used to live in for months. I also felt bliss looking at pictures or videos of Dawson Creek and also Prince Rupert. I felt heavenly Sunday vibes after going to the Salvation Army Church on the hill. Unbelievably sweet Sunday vibes. 

The bliss of Sunday vibes doesn't come every Sunday. But when they do, it's strong, almost overwhelming and stays for hours and hours. 

Don't pray for my death. Like that's likely to happen. It was unrealistic to expect that. I need you to pray for me to be able to be feeling bliss every day for the rest of my life. 

A yantra is a visual mantra. Thinking of Vancouver and the West side as well as the East side of Vancouver is a yantra that brings about low key to mid key to high full scale bliss for me. I would rather be poor and always blissful than to be rich and have chronic hard core clinical depression at all times. Bliss is better than wealth. 

You have to know a town and built up roots in a town over time to feel bliss and nostalgia about it. If you haven't, forget it. It's impossible.  

Thinking of Christmas in London England is guaranteed to bring bliss for those who actually spent a few years there. 

In 1900, the World population was 2.2 billion. 

Today it's 7.7 billion. 

Worldwide there have been 4.55 million deaths from Covid.

There are now about 350,000 people born every day. And 140 million people born every year.

In the World, about 56 million people die annually.

The pandemic will most likely go on for another year. Those who received mixed vaccine double doses are not recognized for international travel, the elderly and vulnerable, and the rest of us for whom the second dose loses effectiveness after six months, all of us will need a third dose and have accompanying vaccine passports for that. Does this mean a vaccination every six months with accompanying vaccine passports - for life?

YouTube comment: "The bridge is 99 percent safe. Let's swim in the shark infested waters."

Children will all need to be vaccinated. There is already a mask requirement for children. To mask the children too is a new low. Even for the WHO. 

Plus the need to convince the vaccine hesitant to get three doses each dose a few months apart in order to reach a herd immunity of 87% of the population vaccinated will drive this pandemic to go on another year at least. And that's without the emergence of a new coronavirus strain. 

The coronavirus pandemic is the best thing to happen to Dr Bonnie Henry. A plum high paid gig in the spotlight. With a job like that, time goes fast and the months just go snap snap snap for her. 

For us too. Once you get culturally acclimatized to something, the months go fast. Before you know it, it's daylight savings time again. It's winter solstice again. 

On the plus side, interregional travel even moving is permitted. 

I might move to Vancouver in a few months. This town is a fishbowl existence and does not have the magic of Vancouver's vibes. This only works if you spent years there in the past. The honeymoon period will fade and I'll be stuck in a sprawling city. Even with an annual pass, there's only so many times you can visit a museum before it becomes repetitive, redundant and pointless even crazy. 

The News said that a pill is being developed for covid. This could end the pandemic. 

Covid shelters for quarantine and isolation are being opened for the homeless in this town. Something that wasn't there two months ago.

Last but not least, Mayor Philip Owen of Vancouver died on September 30 at age 88.  He presided over a relatively and comparatively better Vancouver than what it is today. 

A Vancouver in which the downtown Eastside wasn't nearly as run down as it is today. It didn't have nearly as many homeless people on Hastings Street. A Vancouver that had a lot more functioning payphones. 

A Vancouver that was more affordable. It was a golden age of Vancouver. He was the Lord Mayor of Vancouver from 1993 to 2002. 

Earlier incarnations of Vancouver had a lot more neon lights. 

When Mayor Owen presided over Vancouver, most people had the old glass televisions rather than flat screens. YouTube hadn't yet started then. The only social media was either blogging or email. There was no instagram, tik tok and Twitter then. The only free movie site then was limewire where it took 24 hours to download a two hour movie in SD or standard definition of 430p. 

October 1, PM Justin Trudeau in a dream said, "During the harrowing days of the beginning, my mother said that it is a good idea to start a family." 

Weird dream. Again, a flurry of images. Weird. What order did it come in? Part of a much longer dream since forgotten. I wouldn't want to remember it!