June 2021

 

My drawing: Tut mask.

No more Covid. It's the start of the 4 phase recovery plan. There is mention of the new Delta variant which is twice as deadly as the other variants which is twice as deadly as the original coronavirus. But these variants are happening in impoverished countries that rank lower on the international vaccine distribution pecking order with a lower vaccination rate as the vaccines offer protection against all coronaviruses even the new Delta 116.1.17 variant.

The government said that there will be no further backtracking of restrictions as vaccination rates have surpassed expectations.

Meanwhile, YouTube comment, "5,6,7, and 8th wave all planned"

Yeah right. The internet isn't always the repository of empirical truth that it makes itself out to be. 

The next massive collective panic attack will be in 2029 and 2036 when Apophis is supposed to hit the Earth at 2.7% chance in 2029 and a somewhat higher chance in 2036. In 2006, the original 2.7% has been recalculated to be much lower. 

At that time there will be lockdown again. Restaurant closures, who knows? Or will there be? Where is the crystal ball. Quantum computers have changed the game and either the computer will calculate the chances that the asteroid hitting the Earth is nil or else there will be some military weapon to knock the asteroid out or divert its path. Or else if the asteroid hits the Earth we're all dead.

On March 25, 2021, NASA's Jet Propulsion Laboratory said that Apophis has no chance of hitting the Earth in the next 100 years.

I had a Star Wars dream last night. Mostly forgotten. Some parts I half remember while other parts I vividly remember. The dream was even more Star Wars than Star Wars, especially the robot stormtrooper bounty hunter that was running towards the elevator. Amazing! I don't know if I want to get into it.

I saw someone in that dream from another town I haven't seen for years. But I didn't like her and turned my head away to avoid her.  This is a quality I don't like about myself and am working on. 

Transactional mindset. That's when one thinks of life in terms of an exchange of reward or rip off when it comes to all the everyday dealings of life and that is unspiritual as it can lead to an agenda of ulterior motives, bullshit expectations etc.

However while a transactional mindset is voluntary, there is always an involuntary set of energy exchanges as they go through life every day. And it mainly presents itself as a rip-off. 

I love the forces of life! The other day, YouTube had a video called Tin Soldier from the group Small Faces. It was just the video I needed at the time. Tubi just spontaneously played the movie Look Away which I liked. The other day, I saw a group of women all in a row and they all seemed happier to see me than usual. These are women I have known or else have seen around for years.

Holy smokes! I learned how to cast my tablet completely on my 55' HDTV! It's called screen mirroring. I connected it via the Blu ray player and I don't have connect a speaker wire to my tablet. Sound comes automatically! This is a momentous day! Saturday June 5, 2021.

The connection is slow and lagging and skipping all the time. The picture quality was downgraded. It was like that at first when I hooked the large USB wire from my laptop to the big screen tv. In time it got better as it autoupdates itself. I'll keep trying. 

What did happen was I watched War of the Worlds on Cinemahub and the skips and freezes were constant on the TV but not on the tablet as the tablet ran as smooth as ever. Also, during explosions it crapped out my speakers so much I thought my speakers were dying but nope, they're fine. I tried to play Traffic Tour but could not because of the freezes. Tablet to television is OK for solitaire or looking at photos but anything with a fast frame rate, even normal frame rate is fucked. When people make a video of playing a tablet game, they hook the tablet to TV and set the camera to the TV. That's how you can cast a tablet game as a YouTube walkthrough video without showing the actual fingers touching the tablet, etc. I'll try it again. I'm bound to. I like to watch Cinemahub on the big screen smoothly if possible.

It's called screen mirroring. Go to settings and then display on the tablet. It should have a cast to devices option. On mine, I had to choose between the television or the Blu ray player. The television wasn't an option as I didn't activate the connect to internet smart tv set up which it has, otherwise it wouldn't have registered as an option on the tablet. I choose my Blu ray which is hooked up to the internet and has Tubi. Maybe the display and freezing issues wouldn't have been as bad if I cast it to a smart tv set up. Who knows?

On my Sony Blu ray, Tubi is missing a lot of movies otherwise available on the tablet. The selection is less on the blu ray Tubi but still not bad.

Two weeks later: Quality better. Less skipping.

Ethan Hawke, my drawing.

Tuesday, June 8, 2021. Today I got 'The Rockonin'' which is a fiery whiskey bottle in The Walking Dead No Man's Land app. I got the gold version. I also got the Winter assault rifle. Usually Rufus has the fiery whisky bottle but he hasn't been unlocked yet. When he's unlocked I'll be stuck with two fiery whiskey bottles. The one that Rufus is issued with is a green whiskey bottle. I got the gold level one which is stronger than the green level one. The fiery whiskey bottle can be leveled up to be even stronger. One tip to this is to stay one one level. I'm at level 20. Level 19 to level 20 costs about 900,000 XP points. But level 20 to 21 is 1.97 XP points. I'm guessing it will cost 4 million XP points to get from level 21 to 22. See, it gets to be real steel and the pay to play curve is reached. Don't reach that curve! Resist the temptation to level up the training grounds past level 20 or you'll pay, pay, pay.

I have been having some minor health problems that I can't get my mind off of. The first is hard snot. I've had it for years. It mostly goes away but sometimes comes back. It was back for the last month. I use NeilMed and that works. But before I used rubbing alcohol dish soap and  polysporin all which didn't work. I used NeilMed before and it went away for years. 

Another problem is genital pimples. I popped a medium one five days ago and then a large one yesterday. I do remember seeing them before years go. I also popped a tiny one after that. I landed it through sticking a pin through it. The large one he a lot of pus. 

Hopefully they are not connected. The internet said NeilMed works for most sinus problems as it is baking soda and salt. Genital pimples are a minor problem that come up from time to time and usually go away on their own. 

Due to the pandemic, I'd have to call ahead to see a clinic. This town has a shortage of doctors making me think of leaving. 

I'm still worried about my problems. Maybe it was because I wrote and said a few times, "Fuck God and fuck the forces of life." and now God is coming after me. 

"For a while things seemed confusing. But then it came back into focus again. They always did." Stephen King

I might be dying but if it's too bad I'll have to overdose on heroin. Right now as it is, I'm not in pain and it isn't as if the ambulance is being called. I'm a worrier and a hypochondriac. Munchausen syndrome.

Some people live rather long lives despite having some medical problems. 

I'm worried about problems I've seen before. I didn't worry then. Why would I worry now? Very few people are medically perfect all their lives. Even Olympic athletes, some of them have some minor issue here or there otherwise not painful or life threatening. More psychologically damaging than anything else. 

Genital pimples are like any other pimples. They are caused from eating too much greasy fatty foods. Avoid trans fats. Avoid deep fried food and go light on the butter. Also before, uh, you know.... You have to wash your hands after AND before. Don't neglect the before. Otherwise rubbing any kind of dirt or otherwise undetectable oil into the skin will create pimples. I'm using pharmaceutical soap on the area. 

Health anxiety is a psychiatric illness called psychosomatic disorder. Thinking, "I'm going to die." with issues that have come up before are classic standard textbooks symptoms of health anxiety. Every body has noises. Noises being bumps, slight fluctuations, etc. Even a healthy body has noises. A lot of medical issues are only skin deep. Eckhart Tolle said don't take your mind off the present moment. The future will become the present moment and usually one can handle it or the situation won't be as bad as they imagine it to be. I have a bad case of health anxiety. But last year my heart was broken. Usually I recover completely from worry after a few days. On the internet are stories of people who have had health anxieties for years. I wouldn't have a health anxiety lasting years because things grab my attention and side track me from that. But I might have this health anxiety for a few days to come.

Previously a pimple or a sty has appeared at the edge of my eye and also at the edge of my nose. Eventually it went away and I didn't worry nearly as much then.

Yesterday on Tuesday June 7, my health anxiety level was at about an 8 out of 10, but that was for one day. Today it's at a 4 to 5 out of 10. I saw a YouTube video where someone remained at an 8 for years. I couldn't do that.  Usually I'm at 0 to 1 out of 10 for health anxiety. These last couple of days really did it to me.

"You're not even close to baseline!" Blade Runner 2049

Tomorrow, June 10 2021 is blade runner 2049 day. Carved on the statue: 6. 10. 21

Unless it's October 6, 2021. What the fuck, claim both of them as BR 2049 day. 6th of October was the movie's release date.

I'm going to wait until September or October to go to a walk-in clinic. Right now, due to the global pandemic, a person needs to call ahead for an appointment. 

I know of someone with bursitis or a tennis ball sized growth on his elbow and he saw the doctor and the doctor said to come back again in a few weeks. Often people with surgery are told to wait months until their surgery is scheduled but the doctor knows the person will live even with such severe issues. In that case I could wait the ten to fifteen weeks between now and September or October. 

When searching doctors general practitioner seeking new patients, none are accepting new patients. Again because of the pandemic. In normal times a bunch of them usually advertise right on their website that they are looking for new patients. However I seen at least one doctor get a bunch of five star reviews but there is always a one star review often with a story. I looked up one person who wrote a one star review's profile. That person wrote seven reviews about seven places all of them getting one star. At no place has he given a five star review. People work in patterns. Things will be better in September. Doctors will accept new patients again. This town needs doctors but every year doctors arrive from India, and these are real qualified doctors, not people who cheated on their medical exam. 

I'm still have my fear. I took a walk. The streets look empty and scary. That doesn't help with any health anxiety. Also exacerbated with the great difficulty if not impossibility of finding a doctor. I'll just wait a few weeks until after September.

I'm afraid to see a doctor. The doctor might say it's something bad. 

For some reason I can't stop the fear now. 

The fear is going away. After three days of fear, the pain hasn't increased to any significantly noticeable level. The pain is still at about 0 - 1 out of ten. Not even close to one. A tingly burning aching slightly brushing sensation. 

Doctors ask if you can trace the action that led to the injury. I used ago pinch my nose hard all the time. The nose is sensitive and doesn't like pinching. I pinch my nose with my left and and the nostril that hurts is on the side I squeeze with my thumb. The thumb is like the supermajor compared to the regular ants of the other fingers when it comes to strength. It can really do a number on the nose if squeezed too hard too many times.  I squeezed my nose whenever I smoked pot to increase the carboxylization effect in the lungs. An old smokers trick. But I have been working out a lot so my hand got stronger. Pinching the nostrils hard all the time can lead to the rupture that a boxer gets if his nose is punched all the time.  It feels like hard snot but it's a semi dried and attached scab. Very difficult to pick off. In time it grows and dries as the area is healed and you can pick it right off. 

It's not growing or radiating. If I leave it alone, the pain goes away. If you go digging at it for half an hour trying to remove that 'hard snot', of course it's going to hurt. Leave the area alone! I thought it might be cancer or hepatitis. But that would be accompanied with other things I'm not seeing. There is no otherwise increased weakness or lack of any motor function or any pain. If the pain is above a 4 out of ten, it's time to go to the hospital. But that's not the case. Pimples come and go and are caused by deep-fried trans fat foods. Good fat is the Omega 3 Oleiac acid. Avoid deep fried oily foods as much as possible. Chinese fried noodles although very tempting and tasty can be very oily. Fast food restaurants and any deep fried things are the number one suspects for pimple eruptions. The nose thing I've had before on at least two previous occasions, all of them survivable and medically, not as nearly traumatic as getting a back tooth removed and even that's a survivable experience. I looked at a website for a local medical drop in. They boast on their website that last year they contributed to the recovery of 270 hepatitus C patients. First of all I didn't that there was a cure for that. Second of all, that condition is worse than anything I got. Hepatitus eventually leads to death of not treated but even then, a person lives a half ass long life and death would result in years, not days of getting the diagnosis, again if not treated. 

I will get my nose looked at in September or October. This is something I could put off til then. It might get better then and I won't have to see them. 

The extra strength NeilMed that I use for my nose hurts and that adds to the fear, the health anxiety. Unavoidable, that salty taste dripping on the lips does nothing to assuage any fears but instead increases them! They should make it taste sweet like sugar, as it's not as scary.  The original is milder. I won't use NeilMed any more. NeilMed addresses snot issues and not rupture and scarring issues. The scar or 'hard snot' always feels a lot bigger than it is. It's a cognitive delusion. When picking at it with my fingertip, it feels large, like a small Boulder. But when I pick it up and look at it, it looks very very small. 

Well, going to a walk-in clinic September or October it is. Otherwise, no pain, not spreading, no other accompanying issues and if I don't touch or pick at it, it can be completely forgotten about. I wasted $25 on extra strength NeilMed when I could have got regular strength for the same price. Even then, I would only use it once a week. That unpleasant salty taste. Using it every day would be too depressing and fear inducing.

There are blood vessels very close to the surface of the nose. The nose when ruptured and bleeding is trying to heal itself as it forms platelets making a scab but a half formed scab not fully formed mixes with the mucusm that always there, giving it a misleading green color easily mistaken for a hard snot when its actually a half formed scar tissue mixed with mucus forming a strange alloy. Picking a half formed scab over a wound not fully healed is a recipe for disaster. Wait about a week or more then a fully formed scab will form over the healed area. It can then be picked off with at that point with no further injury. The scab itself would eventually fall off itself in two or three months. 

Pinching the nose when putting on the coronavirus mask doesn't help either.

Women used to pinch their cheeks to bring about a blush. Like Marge Simpson said, "Ladies pinch. Only whores wear rouge." That often brought about burst and ruptured blood vessels. Well I kind of got the same kind of thing going on here. 

Some doctors are known for thinking out of the box. If I were a doctor, I would try to think out of the box. 

Boxers commonly have nose injuries one of the main ones being epistasis where the blood vessels inside the nose are ruptured. Boxers use Vaseline to line their nose before and after fights. It helps. 

A local Community Centre has been offering free meals to the poor for years. I decided to go there again. Health anxiety is only exacerbated by borderline malnutrition. The Community Centre offers food from the four food groups all the time. Long term eating of only two of the four food groups, meat and rice or meat and bread won't do it. A person needs vegetables and fruits. Otherwise eating at a restaurant is easily, easily $35 a hit. It gets pricey and then one has no money left over for traveling. Most cities have a community centre that offers meals. 

Even if I were a millionaire, I would still go to the Community Centre. At $35 a restaurant meal, I still make poor menu choices. Pasta with seafood, rice with beef. Where's the vegetables? Constantly making poor menu choices can lead to malnutrition. 

I have no more health anxiety. I traced the cause and eliminated some possibilities. It's not a bacterial infection because after two weeks, there would have been some downturn for the worse. It reaches a certain nominal level of pain and stays there. It doesn't get bigger. And it most likely would have spread to other areas. Bacterial infection has a few things associated with it and I'm not seeing any of those things.

It's not cancer. Cancer is accompanied with weight loss, extreme next level anemia, and hair loss. If that hard snot was a tumour,  it would have grown and it hasn't and it would be extremely painful, but its not painful.  That disease has a few things associated and I'm not seeing any of those things. 

There is no pain above a 1 let alone a 4. Anything like that can be out on the backburner and I'll probably go to a walk-in clinic when they accept actual walk-ins after September 7th. Probably sometime in October or even November. The initial rush line up should have abated a little then.

The outreach clinic I went to had a display where bags that had things for crystal meth and another one for crack including pipes, tubing etc were available for the taking for free. You sure wouldn't have seen that at medical clinics in the fifties. Things have sure changed since the 50s

6.10.21. Today I got the Winter Flare Gun on The Walking Dead No Man's Land. 

Adrenaline or epinephrine and norepinephrine are nasty chemicals. It runs its course through the body resulting in involuntary uncontrolled fear. It can stay in the body for a few days or more. 

A minor or major cause can get it going. If someone lies to you or you tell yourself something delusional about something catastrophic and you believe it, that can trigger a swift and acute response from the sympathetic nervous system too so it has nothing to do with the basis of truth. It can be delusional.

There is the sympathetic nervous system and the parasympathetic nervous system. The sympathetic nervous system brings about the flight or flight response. The parasympathetic nervous system calms one down after a nervous breakdown panic attack event. After getting a signal from the amygdala, the hypothalamus sends signals to the autonomic nerves to the adrenal gland which releases the chemicals epinephrine and norepinephrine. 

After the initial short lived epinephrine response fades the parasympathetic nervous system depends on the HPA axis to keep it tweaked if there is continuing danger perceived. With this, the hypothalamus sends corticotropin-releasing hormone CRH to the pituitary gland which then sends adrenocorticotropic hormone ACTH to the adrenal glands which then produce hydrocortisone or else cortisol which is a type of glucocorticoid. Cortisol levels are eventually decreased with the parasympathetic nervous system as the danger goes away.* The parasympathetic nervous system uses the chemical AcetylCholine ACh to bring cortisol levels down.**  I experienced all of this.

Some foods like eggs and fish naturally contain acetylcholine.

Adrenaline can take a week to run its course. However over a long period of time it's difficult for the mind to hold on to any one set of thoughts, the mind will gravitate to newer and/or different thoughts. The monkey mind. 

There is a class of drugs called beta blockers which block the amygdala from sending signals. This may not be a good thing if there is actual and not delusion based danger.

*Harvard University medical website. Staying Healthy, Understanding the stress response.

**www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov>books

On June 15, movie theatres are open again. 

I'm jumping at shadows. First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is. I've had these problems before. Life, expat life or not is full of little medical issues coming up all the time. I'm going to see a doctor today about my nose. I'm scared. However I will tell you how it turns out.

Yesterday I had a headache all day and felt wretched. I went to a Vietnamese restaurant and had some pho. The home broth that baby Yoda likes is in Pho. I went home after the meal and for awhile felt even worse. But after going to the bathroom and evacuating, I felt great. Like a million dollar racehorse. I haven't felt so good for days. I was so inspired and relieved that I did a cartoon, LaBeouf of the Lost Ark, all in one day.

I went and I have to go back at a certain time to meet up an appointment.

Nasal polyps in extreme cases require surgery and could lead to meningitis. I would have to go through this eventually. I am ready to die. At age 51 I don't have a wife or child so I don't have that to have to live for. It'd be different if I did. I have a girlfriend but one who has turned my life into a never ending round of chores. I do the chores out of care and also boredom. So it's that much less of a struggle. The days go slow but the years go fast. I might have to go through whatever weirdness but it would soon enough be gotten over with. The afterlife is a blast. I have a relatively clean conscience. I did write a lot of weird negative shit on the internet. This cartoon PCAD might be my last cartoon. 

Like you would learn at University, end of life is a grim closed algorithm playing itself out.

I have been relatively unlucky with women over the last few years I really don't know if I'll get lucky ever again. One more reason to not care. However if I were to die, eventually at some point, I'd see the ghosts of my dead relatives and friends no mistaking them but I haven't seen anything like that. My girlfriend doesnt think I have nasal polyps. I asked her if she thought I was going to die. She said no. She would say so if she thought I would.

I asked someone else if he thought I was going to die. No! He said. "You probably just scratched it." "Did that ever happen to you?"  "Oh sure!" 

I keep on dancing because what if the doctor says there is nothing wrong? If I didn't dance I would've wasted this precious moment in worry to the point of not dance. Worry but still dance, dance but still worry. Can't win for losing. 

I think I'm dying. I'm definitely dying. I just popped another genital pimple. On the twig, not the berries. However the internet said these things are common. I've had them for years decades even and it didn't really bother me before. I'll just have to find a woman who also has genital pimples as they are there. YouTube has videos with the thumbnail an actual picture of a vagina with genital pimples and a few of them! But maybe I'll never get laid ever again and I can accept that. Genital pimples are a deal breaker. At this rate I doubt I'll make it to 60. And I can accept that. It's all part of the trip.

If I'm still alive in three or four years, if I still am getting the genital pimples then, I'd pretty much gloss over them. Or pop them and not care. Whatever. 

I'm doomed.

Although my girlfriend doesnt think I'm dying. She said, "You'll be all right."

I doubt that doctors could cure anything. These diseases are so weird that how could any doctor know about them?

Otherwise the pain is at about a zero. No pain. 

Jurassic Park said the human mind adapts. The adrenaline gland adapts and it no longer reacts to things it used to. Even in an environment of ever increasing difficulties, it gets used to the fact that there will be increasing difficulties. One eventually gets desensitized to issues that used to bother them. 

The original Luke Skywalker was named Starkiller. And he was a 60 year old man. The Force Unleashed features a character named Starkiller and a 60 year old man named Rahm Kota. This separates two aspects of the original Luke Skywalker into two characters. 

That's always been the deal. Nothing has changed. A person could die at any time. For eg a person could be told that they'll die in two years of some disease but then before that they have a sudden heart attack or get in a car accident however it is a sudden death. At any time weird anomalies or not any one could die at any time. The odds are against it but the potential is there.

The human body is otherwise quite durable. There's lots of people living with a whole plethora of medical issues and they even travel. From those who are obese or whatever. A lot of them go on to live long lives. 

The Baron Harkonnen had a lot of dermatological issues, yet he more or less

lived a long life. "Put the pick in right like that Pete, and turn it round real neat."

"How did it go with the tests?" "It turns out we worried for nothing." The Firm

The doctor could probably say, You scratched your nose and there is scabbing. The body is trying to heal itself. The body regulates itself. The heart beats, the lungs breathe, cuts heal themselves and even bones too. First there is a scratch, then a scan forms and gets bigger and harder to a point. Then water dissolves it. This is a two month process. 

Hopefully. I don't know. I'm probably fucking dying. 

Three options:

1. Totally healthy - no problems

2. Living indefinitely or else for an extra extended period of time with some weird medical baggage for decades. Between total health and imminent death, there's at least a thousand points on the curve.

3. Get some weird disease with some promise of dying in two years, but what if one gets a massive stroke in the meantime? Life never had any guarantees. With or without weird medical anomalies, life has always been like the Sword of Damocles. It didn't worry me before. Why would it worry me now?

There is a dancing part of me that will live forever. Life is an illusion if time travel is time experienced on a subjective level. That dancing part of me lives along the subjective time structure, algorithm, dynamic, and thus will never die. 

Dr Seema Sehgal on YouTube said, "One of the most common ants is trying to predict the future. You can predict the future? Where's the crystal ball?"

Indeed, no one could tell the future. If anyone could, that person would be richer than Bill Gates and Jeff Bezos put together.

Never mind a person telling themself. There have been cases where a doctor could tell someone, "You'll be dead in a few months." But they're still alive decades later. There have been miracles. If God needs a person to still be around, they'll always be around.

Even if I was married and thought I was dying, I'd think, Well at least I gave it the old college try. Even without this set of medical worries at any time, the whole marriage and even before was a regular Sword of Damocles. At any time I could get a sudden heart attack, stroke, car accident, lightning bolt. I didn't worry then, why would I worry now? And as far as being there for them, what if whether I was alive or not they were to die two years later anyways? What would there be to be there for then? 

It's the algorithm of the ghastly wretched physics of this dimension playing itself out. 

My fears are many. What if the doctor says it's something really weird? What if the doctor is a jerk? I fear medications and side effects. I'm doomed. Life is a nightmare.

Sunday, June 13, 2021. I'm going to die soon. When I went to the bathroom, I saw a black moth. A moth is a death sign. I usually see beige moths, not black moths. This means I am going to die. 

Update: Prognosis. Clean bill of health. No problems. Complete medical clearance from a doctor. Pimples a result of follicleusitis, normal. The nose is accumulated mucus. No bacterial infection or worse. I'm alive again.

Don't ever lose that imagination or else lose that imagination completely if it leads to unrealistic negative thoughts.

I won't take life for granted. Any day I'm not in pain or in the ICU is a good day. The bullshit about people I met in the past, this asshole said something to me twenty years ago and I'm still angry about it, that bullshit is fucking over. I don't know where they are but wish all those people I met, I wish them the best. I would not wish health problems or the panic attacks that come with bad health on my worst enemy. I have no worst enemy. If I do, who is that person? What is their name? I have none. What did they do to me? Anything they did to me, I forgot about it already. 

I'm alive again!!!!!!

This town is a backwater. No more of that. That's bullshit. This is a great town.

I was thinking of getting Dr Squatch soap. However, that's $24.99 for the citrus scent and $31.99 for the Pine Tar scent and only sold at Walmart. Dr Bronner soap available at WalMart and London Drugs is $5.99 per unit. Dr Squatch's premise is that most soaps including the Axe shampoo I use is classified as a liquid detergent. Dr Squatch is actual soap rather than detergent leading to cleaner smoother skin.

In the case of pimples, benzoyl peroxide is your bff. Paula's Choice for $5.99 a tube is good for this. 

Haiku:

Single for life

So I don't have a really lovely wife

What the fuck.

The Mosquito Coast is good and no episode appears last week. Ian Hask aka Professor Quirell with the turban in the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkhaban is a hitman in this TV show. Best quote, "I'll shoot that asshole in the asshole. See how he likes them apples." Well, he's in fine form in this TV series.

After a life changing back massage from my girlfriend, I mean it was at the level where I feel like I'm 18 and shopping at IKEA again. This was the mother of all back massages. I feel totally better. Not feeling anxious.... at all.

Animating the next segments of my cartoon, I drew this picture. I didn't think much of it. Then after visiting my girlfriend I came back to my room. That's called an energy shift. YouTube's sometimes angelic heavenly algorithm brought up the song from Chic, I Want Your Love. 

The word love is in the frame! I didn't see it at first!

Someone wishes me well. When I was out for a walk, I saw a someone wearing a T shirt that said ON LOK. On Lok means health, well-being, contentment. Well I certainly feel that now. Sometimes all you need is a good back massage including shoulder blades, collar bone and the upper part or the arms connected to the shoulder. Press down hard. That's what my girlfriend did to me. I feel connected to my body again. Massage is a type of yoga or yoke that connects mind essence to physical body Essenes. Total integration and connection of mind and body is vital to health and well-being.

The planet Mars is named after the Roman god of war. So it wouldn't be Mars without military space-ships and explosions. I couldn't possibly animate a segment to do with the planet Mars and not have that. However, they are fighting asteroids or meteors, I forget the difference. An asteroid never enters a planet, upon entry into a planet's atmosphere; definitely at about the mid-orbit range, it becomes a meteor. So in this case it's multitasking. 

Meteor. That's only if it's moving. Once it reaches the ground and stops moving, it becomes a meteorite.

I doubt humans would go to Mars and fight each other. The human species would be beyond that or else it would be a case of everybody saying, "Christ if I wanted to join a military to do people in with military weapons, I would have stayed on Earth."

The idea with the meteors and explosions is that at that time, there would be technology which would be undetectable, not a laser nor a projectile like a missile or a large bullet. It would be a sonic blast; aim a cone at sharp intensity of silent sound generated at a certain deibel or else an EMP electromagnetic pulse. The on-board quantum computer would be able to put a bead even on a missile going at 120 miles per hour which is terminal velocity. It's quite scary. Going from zero miles an hour one accerates ten times the distance with each passing second until the 120 mile per hour mark is reached. That's quite the slam!

Old age and senescence is usually associated with some painful event for some period followed with a ghastly and wretched death. That's inevitable. One can have a few panic attacks about the health that are false but eventually, inevitable as one descends down the final arc of life, there will be some medical issue that will be fatal and I fear the panic attack that can come with that. A major devastating involuntary tweak of the sympathetic nervous system or else amygdala adrenaline gland as in 

"Rambo felt a squirt of adrenaline in his stomach." David Morrell, First Blood

That's decades in the future. Meanwhile there is a science to this and there are doctors, psychiatrists and specialists who are trained in calming people off of a sympathetic nervous system response. 

The internet said that people who are under 60 on average fear death more than people under 60. For some strange reason, after 60, people are more able to accept it. It also said that people in Taiwan are alone in that fear of death does not decrease after age 60. I might be Taiwanese. Ha ha. I do fear death. I know I talked about heroin overdose but heroin overdose implies a painless death in a few minutes on my terms. Letting things run their natural course could imply something unknowable to me as I go through some nebulous panic attack inducing very painful event lasting days, weeks, months, possibly years. Again, any pain above a 4 and I'm on the bus to the hospital! There, potentially a team of experts who know what's going on would look at me. Medication or pain killers would be given. I also fear that. Painkillers mean opiates like oxycodone and a fentanyl patch which was what Andrea Perron's sister was prescribed and then she died. Even heroin overdose is scary. Although there is an absence of pain, inside one feels an existential vaccum and an incredible coldness and a feeling of descending as the organs start shutting down one after another in quick succession. It doesn't last too long and a person passes out, goes to dreamland followed immediately with the afterlife. 

The internet also said hospices are places where people experience the least fear as there is guaranteed to be a team of not only medical but also spiritual practitioners. Magic mushroom therapy is apparently an option but I personally would decline. I fear the future. However, I don't have a crystal ball and things usually don't turn out as bad as I think they will.

I know of a few people who never mind not being rich, lived in skid row rooming houses, they never went to the hospital, let alone had surgery. Maybe they saw a doctor a few times. But one day, they just died peacefully in their room while sleeping. 

There is no future, there is only the present moment. And the present moment always takes care of itself. There is no stopping the relentless march of time. 

Knowing a lady with a nice car, the question all of a sudden enters, "Am I wanting to know her because of her or the nice car?" Whereas if she didn't have something like that, the question would never enter into it. To want to know someone for something they own rather than for them themselves is a high form of dishonour and not only that, it's tawdry and a rotten way to go through life. 

I guess that either to want or to deny a friendship just because of something they own is a form of dishonour. Don't worry about it!

Actually it's very OK to not want to know someone because of something they own if it bothers me or is an issue to me. To be willing to know someone even though something they own is an issue to me is to demonstrate compassion for them. To not be willing to know someone because something they own is an issue to me is to demonstrate compassion for myself. A person can not practice compassion for others until they first practice it for themself.

It would be an extraneous situation. A weird energy jangle. I don't know if it's the worst situation but I'm also not sure if it's the best situation.

Anyone who has a nice car has an insulation from the harsh realities  of life that I don't have. However I also have insulations from the harshness of life that others don't have like my dancing, my artistic talent and my skills with the scooter. A lot of people who own nice cars don't have that. Also I have somewhat of a gift for learning languages. 

The thing is, whether I know someone who has a nice car or not, I really don't know where I will be five years from now, ten years from now. Will I even still be residing in this town?

Never be in the friend zone - with anyone. I'd rather be living free and joyful rich and travelling overseas visiting rich airports and drinking coffee at the rich airport at 3 in the morning, local time or overseas time? Who cares? Time travel is time experienced on an objective level. Quantum physics. It's an algorithm. 

I'd rather be walking around and dancing at UBC. The geomagnetic vibes there are sweet. I know them and have them in my heart forever. People can see the UBC vibe in my dancing because I can sure sense it. Or maybe it's my imagination ideal version of UBC. Other people would go to UBC and sense nothing out of the ordinary.

I'd rather do all that than to be in the friend zone. I was never in the friend zone. I told my girlfriend that. As soon as I got even a whiff of there even being a possibility that I was in the friend zone, I got the fuck out of there. The best way to deal with someone putting me in the friend zone is to never see them ever again. 

To place expectations on someone, to be in a position of need with someone is ghastly and wretched. And also, expectations, position of need etc etc yada yada only means something if I want to get married in the future. However, I care not at all whether or not I get married ever. Would I be legally required to? Marriage is square.

I'll probably never get laid again. I'm getting a sinking feeling. I used to imagine that if I have a bad reputation, self-imagined or real, then I'll never get laid again. But would that be the only thing that would do it? How about getting genital pimples to the point of worrying about dying and for those few gut wrenching days before getting medical clearance from a doctor, I thought I'd never get laid again. 

Getting laid is nature's trap. It's a way of getting a man to be on the hook for child support at its most intense possible outcome. It doesn't usually happen, but when it does, Oh God!

A full scale cortisol attack aka a panic attack is thought based. A singular devastating thought whether acting upon something that is an outright lie or even if it is something objective, it is based on one's personal subjective interpretation of that objective event. 

All thoughts be they panic attack inducing or not depend on a foundation of a thousand other thoughts. If I am picking up cigarette butts like Orwell did in Down and Out in Paris and London, that could add to a generalized overall feeling that life is hopeless which would only encourage an adrenalinized panic attack. 

If I acquiesce to being in the friend zone with someone, that could accentuate any ideas that life is depressing and out of control and again, is a contributing factor to any future potential panic attacks. 

However the opposite is also true. Not doing stupid shit like getting into friend zones with women and picking up cigarette butts lessens the possibility of future adrenalinized nervous breakdown.

It's OK to be in the friend zone. If I'm in the friend zone with one lady, it only means that I'm not in the friend zone with another. It's not a sin or a shame to be in a friend zone. Sometimes to bask in the lovely rays of the friend zone with a certain friend is an experience that I would not trade for 100 BMWs. Oh sure! Whatever.

I think this lady might be a narcissist. On a YouTube video called 8 Things Narcissists Think You Owe Them a commenter said, 'If this video is making you think of a certain person, there's a 95% chance that person is a narcissist'. Gaslighting, building you up and then pushing you away, leaving you high and dry, making you feel good yet inadequate, you're a great person yet not great enough to be in a relationship with them. The BMW is part of the narcisstic set up. How many narcissists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, they use gaslighting.

Time has a way of changing a dynamic between two people. Once, I thought I might be interested in a relationship with her. Now, the dynamic has shifted to I'm not sure to I'd be scared to have a relationship with her. What if I make a mistake? What if I disappoint? What's she like when she gets not just mad but really mad, if she ever does. I'm not on the make. I don't really care about a relationship with her. 

I learned the following from YouTube from a source who asked not to be named:

I'm now 110% sure, and that's not a typo, I am literally one-hundred and ten percent that sure this person is a narcissist. Narcissists are uncomfortable with intimacy and closeness. I've told her she was beautiful. She said, "Go away!" 

After, she said, "Forget about what I said. Don't think so much. You're too serious." Narcissists will also gaslight you with such phrases invalidating your observations and concerns. 

Classic wth narcissism is, If this person is so great, why do I always tell like shit after talking to them? Why do I always feel sad, annoyed, irritated? Recognizing the signs of subtle abuse. 

Why does the narcissist seem so charming? Because you're not in a relationship with them. 

Narcissists need their supply, that is of sycophantic attention from select others. Narcissists use love-bombing because narcissists need to pull certain kinds of people in close to them or otherwise how could they push them away as they love to pull people in so as to be able to push them away, advancing their narcissistic emotional agenda.

Narcissists are notorious liars. 

Narcissists will live the end game of everyone knowing they are a narcissist. Beautiful people are those who were broken, known the depths of despair and overcome it making them more genuinely and narcissistically compassionate to others. Beautiful people are very rare. A narcissist is not a beautiful. 

Your anger and rage and martial arts ability are the keys to your soul. Use it to protect you from narcissists. I hope to never see the narcissist again. I might relapse. I sure hope not. I'll let you know as times goes on. 

One sure sign that you were dealing with a narcissist is that you inexplicably feel a whole lot better once you haven't seen them for quite a long time.

But if the mistake is made of going back, I will feel as if I were kicked in the stomach. That's because the subtle abuse patterns and formations that were in place will always always be there. Never ever give any narcissist a second chance. Ever.

No relationship is better than a shitty one.

Knowing a narcissist is as Sherlock Holmes said, neither useful nor necessary.

I'm a dancer and that dancing spirit gives me the strength and guidance to just dance my way out of shitty situations like with the wheelchair retard and with the narcissist. Just dance my way out of there! My dancing will improve once I haven't seen the narcissist for awhile.

People work in patterns. A narcissist is that way to a lot of people or else whoever they think they can get away with it with. Narcissists have their own problems - they have themselves.

Update: She's not a narcissist. However, I have a wild imagination. She's good people. 

I drew this triptych of pictures of UBC obviously from memory because the inaccuracies of the buildings is noticeable. 

The spirit of UBC is sweet heavenly geomagnetic vibes. This is where my heart wants to be. Not in some weird friend zone in some backwater scene. Uh, no thanks. I would move to UBC if I could get housing there. In a heartbeat. 

UBC coloring pages.

Often when I dance I have a brief struggle with chronic repeating nasty unwanted and intrusive thought and I wonder if people can read my mind like the telepathic prairie dog. Who cares, I just push through. Eventually before long, I see that every song has a life of its own so the dance must be different for each and every song. I try to see each song as having its own unique and different wave of flowing colours all its own. I am at a certain level but I'm not at the level I want to be or even the start of it. I have to be at the level of incredible and mesmerizing. Something totally mindblowing. I'm not there yet. 

When it comes to dancing, I can never be cool exactly like Black people. They have a style all their own which is inimitable unless you're Black. However my dancing style will be something different but just as amazing if not even more. At this point, I'm pretty much trying for even more. I don't know if I'll ever get there but I'll know it when I do. There's a certainty, a knowing, just as I know I'm getting better over time. 

The rest of my cartoon will be mindblowing. I have an idea for the final scenes. I already did the music. The work, the drawing will have to be done. I must say, I feel a sight better than I did last week. I think I'll do it soon. A few people watch my cartoons. 

I'll probably have to chug down an energy drink before I do it. 

After an absence of several years, I'm listening to The Style Council again. They are one of the greatest bands ever. The songs are great. Some songs are to me more danceable than others. My absolute favorites are The Lodgers, Long Hot Summer Extended edition, It Didn't Matter, Big Boss Groove, Angel, etc The music is stuck to my mind like gum stuck to the bottom of a shoe, my mind being the bottom of the shoe or the gum I'm not sure. 

Good music does have that very insidious quality.

I only hope to make my cartoons have the same kind of quality as 70s and 80s songs especially The Style Council. Like a lot of groups, they released several versions of the same song of a few of their songs. Each of these versions sound absolutely smokin! 

The Style Council is Paul Weller and Mike Talbot who I imagine were phenomenally talented rich kids from the West End of London. Their backup singer DC Lee is probably also rich, but definitely West End meaning rich and wealthy, stylish. Also immensely talented.

The music of The Style Council brings to mind traveling to Asia during the 80s on a first class flight and staying in a 5 star hotel. Rich and quality.

Paul Weller visited Vancouver BC in 2017. 

Music in the eighties was good because artists got $1 per album. Now with songs being swiped off the internet and elsewhere, artists don't get the same royalties as before. However artists get money through concerts and merchandising but even that can be a vector for rip off. You just got to like to do what you do. Don't worry at all about the money.  

YouTube has a video For Those Who Fear Death and Aging from Valuetainment.

The video posits that in the 1800s, the average age of people in the 1800s was 40. And that if you think that today's average life span is 80 pro-rate your age percentage to 80 and then to apply that relativity to age 40, you're still young and have a long way to go.

For eg. If a person is 40, that's 50% of 80. And 50% of 40 is 20. So a person who is 40 today would be equivalent to life percentage lived as a person who was 20 in the 1800s. 

The average is misleading. Most people in the 1800s lived to be about 60 while there were a lot of infant mortalities. Those two opposite things would be variables that determine the average.

39% of 50 

40% of 25

A YouTube video explained that 39% of 50 is also 50% of 39! And thus 40% of 25 is also 25% of 40! Such problems use the distributive principle like multiplication and addition in that it doesn't make a difference in what order you place the numbers. With the associative principle in subtraction and division it very much makes a difference in what order one posits the numbers. 50% of 39 = 18.5 39% of 50 = 18.5

Sometimes in life there are heavenly life changing moments that form a visualization you can hold onto, to guide you. Tibetans call this a yantra or a visual mantra.

The Style Council album cover pictured above. Looking at the album cover while listening to the first 10 seconds of the song The Lodgers from this album I visualize myself there in the 80s at the Vancouver airport or any other airport, rich and travelling. This for me is life changing and exemplifies the type of quality that I want not just to have but also to be in life. In my cartoons, my writing, my dancing, I want to exemplify this quality of excellence of spirit. The Style Council, The Lodgers.

Lyrics: "No peace for the wicked, Only war on the poor, They're batting on pickets, trying to even the score..."

This is the best of the 80s. 

"And the idea is what you reap they sow..." It's an asshole set up, it's a bullshit scene.

It's a bullshit set up, it's an asshole scene. 

My advice if you haven't gone on YouTube or any bullshit like that and made videos, think carefully. Most people who upload videos to YouTube get ripped off. It's a rip-off waste of time scene.

Not surprisingly, The Lodgers from The Style Council has been an earworm for the past three days, continuous loop, and I don't care! I love it!

The airports in the eighties were kind of shit compared to today. The only thing good about it was that you got to wear yuppie clothes like The Style Council and you got hopefully a good tape cassette Walkman with good headphones. Other than that, no internet, all televisions were glass televisions, no sushi restaurants, no Starbucks, no charging stations. Turn off wifi or set to airplane mode while charging or data can be stolen. The music was better in the 80s. 

It was funny to see old people in the 70s listening to music of the 30s. I've become that person! In the 2020s, I'm still listening to 80s, even 70s music all the time! 

Once the PCAD cartoon is completed, I will be temporarily bereft of ideas for my next cartoon. It would have to have a The Style Council type of excellence. 

In a few years, hopefully I'll get the chance to see The Long Hot Summers which is a documentary about The Style Council released in 2021. There are other TSC documentaries on YouTube and a Paul Weller documentary called 'One'.

"We're dashing our seconds on the rocks of a lifetime." The Style Council

There is a movie called A Thousand Kisses Deep. The premise sounds intriguing enough. It's a time travel movie. A woman walks down the street and sees a woman fall out of an apartment window. For some reason she decides to visit that woman's apartment because there was something about her that seemed familiar. Upon visiting that woman's apartment, she finds out thenwoman who jumped out the window is her herself in the future. Then the landlord who is also some kind of wizard tells her that she must go back in time to redo some event. 

It's somewhat like Look Away where a woman has to deal with another version of herself, a doppelganger.

On the app Clockwork Brain on the anagram puzzle, I am very fast. Too fast. So fast it scares me in a good way. All I have to do is look at the words and I can sense the right word like some kind of apophenia like from The Queen's Gambit. I look at the word and I sense an energy, a buzzing. All this takes about a millisecond and I get the right word.

Is there a name for this? Neuroplasticity or something else? Speed reading or what? Force-sensitive?

However with most words, people can get the anagram quickly provided the first letter of the anagram is the same as the first letter of the original word. 

There is another game. There are all pairs of symbols, designs all in pairs except that one is solitary. Pick out the solitary one. I'm not bad at that one but not as good as I am at anagrams. Being a graphic artist, I can pick out shapes and designs more easily. 

Enough of the depression, never take health for granted. If I dream, daydream, ruminate, it might as well be about something happy, however crazy it is. One day, I will get a BMW. There is a consensus and lots of very very powerful people including the Prime Minister, the American President, some powerful people in England and also the Police let alone lots and lots of not so powerful and more ordinary folk know that I let it be known that I want a BMW. "That guy wants a BMW. We'll get him a BMW one day."  When the time is right, I'll get one.  That is a better use of the imagination however far-fetched than to just give up on any dreams or even life itself. Forget that! I'm going to keep on making cartoons. There is a recognition. Life is an ongoing work in progress that isn't completed yet. Life may not seem fair but in the long run it doesn't cheat anyone. That's the ideal anyways, whether or not it's the reality... However it's better to think that than anger. Anger isn't healthy but it's better than fear. Happy is best and most strongest. Believe in a future that involves travel as travel strengthens humankind and can bring them to Kardashev 2 or 3 level. Travel is fun but expensive and time consuming. 

The BMW I want is either a 1981 535i white and four door and standard transmission. 

Or else an M325 and I would have the colour as eggshell blue. 

My cartoons are getting better and better. 

The most intriguing and most common YouTube comments are, "Don't feed the trolls." "YouTube recommended this?!" "I'mma end this man's career." "First." "Who else is scrolling down reading this? If you are remember you are special and much loved." 

As to ending careers, every year, there's twice as many YouTube videos uploaded as last year. The statistic is more shocking than I realized. I thought there was one thousand years worth of videos on YouTube. Turns out it's about 42,000 years at last count. So many careers. How many careers do people have the time and energy to end? 

I'll show you all that I have the strength and intelligence to be a better man, a better person, a better Christian. No more thinking of old scores from the past. No more worrying about the future. The future more or less takes care of itself and most likely generally won't be as bad as I think it will be, as well as the impossibility of telling the future.

No more giving up on life. It's either about being rich and travelling or if not just not giving up. Travel one day or not. Who cares?

My monkey brain imagination takes me to the strangest places making me think the weirdest things drawing the weirdest conclusions about history, society, etc.  I write them down but I'm not sure about all of them. Strange thoughts even strange unwanted thoughts comprise much of life. 

I write these thoughts but knowing I have no credentials and is only based on a dim understanding of history. Just like medically based panic attacks are based on a dim understanding of one's own body. What. Just because I read a couple of articles on the internet that makes me a medical expert? Sure, one day I get some delusion about my health and a few days later a doctor tells me I'm fine. Classic. 

So what. I'm supposed to be a history expert? Compared to a University professor of history? I doubt it. However I try, and asking basic questions however urbanely irreverent and attempting to get into any topic to whatever degree is something that all Universities encourage. 

I have another sweet daydream. UBC knows about me! They know I'm a fan. They know I like STAR WARS. One time I saw a YouTube video about UBC. There was a stormtrooper poster on a wall. On that same day, I went to the pawn store and the lightsabers I ordered off Amazon were there. Pawn Stars often can and will do Amazon orders for customers they know usually for some small fee like $5 or $10 which is acceptable. 

UBC can arrange for me to study there for free and they could arrange for me to get housing there too. If they can build a particle accelerator they ought to be able to get me housing there. However this is a grandiose fantasy statistically not likely to come true but isn't this better than talking about depression all the time?

Energy drinks can elevate the heart rate leading to a generalized panic attack. After going on a walk and being off them for awhile I feel a lot better now. 

I've since attributed my condition to rich foods. I had rice with white truffle oil which I haven't had for ages. Rich foods are known to potentially lead to elevated heart rate. That, and throw an energy drink into the mix. 

After a walk, a wait of a few hours and doing some yoga which I haven't done for ages. My yoga routine includes Surya Namaskar, child pose, knee up hip swivel stretches, the crow pose, the tree pose, chest expanders, legs up against the wall and upside down push ups. It helped a lot. I feel more grounded, and more centered now. I claimed down from the elevated heart rate panic attack. I walked past a few people and when I came home I felt better. Sometimes a powerful psychic can direct healing energy towards me if I see them on the street. That's purely imaginary of course. 

"Doctor says you're cured, but you still feel the pain," Howard Jones, No One Ever Is To Blame

Howie Mandel suffers from extreme anxiety.  Drinking energy drinks one after another and then smoking weed is a recipe for panic attack. 

The News said the weed is more potent today than ever before. I might quit it if it's that strong. I don't need constant ongoing panic attacks and anxiety. I feel a lot better now. Calm. 

Beings drinking energy drinks is safer in the winter than the summer. The rising temperatures plus the drinking of energy drinks can really knock the piss out of ya. 

I stopped energy drinks. 

"Drink a beer. It'll give you balance." Denzel Washington, Training Day

I dranks some beer and it worked. I feel a lot better. 

It takes two to three days to be fully off energy drinks as it can take that long to completely leave the system. Energy drinks can bring on symptoms that mimic a panic attack so rather than a true panic attack it was the chemical after effects of energy drinks. I think they tweaked the quality so it's stronger now than ever before. 

Energy drinks are legal but so is whisky. I wouldn't recommend drinking a lot of either. Maybe a teeny tiny little bit. That's all. If that.

I fear old age and death but death is the day when the entire World and the Universe shows you how much it loves you.

A most recent anxiety I've been dealing with is fear of eating and fear of forgetting to eat. Some things can cause havoc on the system like eating an entire tin of ice cream and drinking energy drinks. Eating is tawdry and I've eaten it all before like being tired of the same food at a same restaurant over and over again. If I forget to eat or put it off because it's tawdry, I could die of starvation. Don't starve. 

I often forget to brush my teeth. If I forget to eat like I forget to brush my teeth, just keep putting it off, then I'll starve but that hasn't happened yet! Yet I fear that!

"When my mind is wrapped up in a problem, food becomes of secondary importance." Sherlock Holmes

Eating is fun. It's a way to get high. Eating builds up strength and energy and makes one feel pleasantly sleepy. What's not to like? You can't sleep on an empty stomach. Eating is all right. 

Eating is a blast. Some people probably choose to reincarnate on Earth just so they can eat lobster again. There's tawdry food and there's food porn which is another level of food. 

I've been a real wreck this month. 

Maybe it's excitement for a post pandemic world but fears of whether I'll make it. But this is the same irrational fear one would have the first month in a new country. A couple of months later, they're walking down the street and smiling. I've dealt with anxiety before. 

I get a few moments of fear and anxiety every day. I want to keep the anxiety under control or get rid of it altogether. I fear of I display to much anxiety in public then the cops could haul me off to the looney bin. Usually trips to the looney bin are preceded with some strange criminal or grossly antisocial act. Generalized slight anxiety that is difficult to determine from a distance won't do it. 

Sometimes in life you have to look even deeper at a problem that before seemed more innocuous, more generic. After a few months you see it in a different light and you'll find that you've become a bit of an expert and is able to help others who might have a similar problem. 

The human mind is very resilient. People have gone through wars, tours of duty, come back and the vast majority of them were well again in less than a week. 

There are people who have worse medical problem than I'll ever have. And they seem pretty chipper! No health based panic attacks, and no kvetching, ever. 

One has to look forward to things. Is there a movie you want to watch again? Maybe there is a good place to go for a walk. There is always something to look forward to. 

Today is Friday night. The News said the temperature will continue to climb until it reaches its apogee on Monday when the temperatures are slated to be 40 fucking degrees Celsius. That may be normal in the tropics. Don't drink energy drinks in hot weather except that in tropical countries , that's all that some people there ever do. 

Temperature climbs can sure knock the piss out of ya. 

In this town, there is only a 15% window every year where the temperature is just perfect. Every other time of year it's either too hot or too cold especially at night. 

Weird shit weather. Either fans or heaters are needed all the time. Scientists have said that the World is only barely habitable. 

This is the kind of weather that if someone left a child or a dog in a car, they could go to jail!

"The suicidal person seemed normal from the outside, but inwardly there was something wrong with his day to day telepathy." George Anderson

Let's not talk about suicide but if a person's telepathy is at the point that they fear eating, maybe they should work on that. Neutralize the problem. Even make it funny. 

I never worried about eating before. Why now? The Chinese sure never have weird shit worries about eating. They are strong and smart people and life affirming people. 

Like one would learn in University, the algorithm of life and even the end of life and death is grim ghastly and wretched. 

Bleak House. Great Expectations. Charles Dickens.

Great House. Bleak Expectations. What can I say?

But such a statement is based on a dim understanding of the algorithm. I underestimate the algorithm when it is more loving more majestic and more powerful than one could ever realize. I saw a clue to the nature of that algorithm. In a video about UBC*, a yellow heart made of scraps of yellow paper glued together, representing a glowing angelic heart. THAT is the the nature of the algorithm. Somehow UBC seems to already know that.

Look at each galaxy itself. Don't they look like glowing angel hearts? 

*A Walking Tour of UBC 4K, Vees travels

The Twilight Zone episode, Nothing In The Dark with a young Robert Redford. "There is nothing in the dark that isn't already there in the light." Do not be afraid of eventually dying one day. 

Sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees.

It will be hot, a scorcher in the next few days. Tips:

Take at least 5 cold showers a day and don't dry yourself afterwards and sit next to a fan. You need to lower your body temperature during these times. 

Use Gold Bond powder for prickly heat which is a chafing rash in the legs in the area immediately surrounding the groin and genitals. 

Be prepared for a possible sudden temperature drop after the heat wave. Even if it drops from 40 to 27, that's quite the drop. 

Drink plenty of water and check your urine. Yellow or orange urine is a sign of dehydration. The urine needs to be clear and liquid coloured. But don't drink too much water as that can lead to another kind of fuck up. 

I go on walks now. The health laws now say that groups up to 50 people can be in an outdoor activity with the usual provisions for mask wearing and social distancing. 

Even during the height of the pandemic local health doctors said that not only are walks permitted, they are recommended for mental health. Only in the most hard core places like Italy were walks not allowed. Only trips for essentials were allowed in Italy at the height of the pandemic. 

Sure this town is a fishbowl existence. But walking around once a day is less of a fishbowl existence than me being in my room for 23 and a half hours a day! That can fuck one up mentality. I used to go on daily walks. Then the pandemic hit and on every walk the streets looked like Deathzone 2020, all streets empty, no cars, no people. That discouraged walks. But now the streets look refreshingly half assed normal. Not fully normal for tourist clogged June but looking 100% fully normal if this was the end of February in ordinary non pandemic times and that's not bad. Next week, Canada wide travel is permitted and indoor and outdoor groups allow for up to 300. What the fuck. 

I'm living in the best fishbowl existence in the Province of British Columbia. Vancouver downtown Eastside fishbowl existence?! That Hieronymus Bosch neighbourhood is like a maximum security prison to the minimum security prison of all other towns. Rough. Difficult. 

Other towns all small towns compared to Vancouver and Victoria in BC have a prosaic backwater fishbowl existence. Downtown Victoria is the most vibrant fishbowl existence in all of BC. There's a seaplane port here! 

Alien Shipyard, I mean Alan Shepherd was a great astronaut. 

It's all a weird set up. 

Here we are on a planet. A huge rock floating in space. Somewhere in the distance there is a sun. There are other planets elsewhere. What a weird set up! But what would or could the alternative be? 

Time. Time travel is time experienced on an objective level. The we we go through life is time experienced on a subjective level and not the other way around! Again, what a weird set up. But what would or could the alternative be? 

Thai:  Mie mee arie kit wun nee dee gwa, ler?  

Nothing better to think about today?

I hope that after the pandemic years later there isn't a war between England and Germany again. That would be just fucking awful! 

YouTube comment, March 2020: "Total worldwide economic collapse in three months." Another bullshit negative delusional Cassandra prediction that turned out not to be true. 

Fahrenheit 451.

Celsius 42.1 is the temperature that the brain starts to slowly cook in the skull. You need cold showers frequently and cold shower the head too, of course. 

Sunday, June 27, 2021.  The mornings here are not hot. Cool. Of course I lived in Thailand and at 7:30 in the morning it felt like stage lights at a concert. Hot. And I wondered how hot it would get at noon if it was that hot then. It isn't anything like that here. 

The weather sometimes gets it wrong. Not often but you can't say it never happened. It won't rain today. It rains. It will rain today. No rain. Even a quantum computer can't predict the future of weather. It could predict a few likely outcomes like a chess player can figure a few good moves and thinking 17 moves ahead. Statistical noise. 

Not a cloud in the sky. We're fucked.

Delusional much?

Hot weather, not a breeze. That's asshole behaviour on the part of Mother nature. Or is it? Some organisms need just two weeks a year when it's hot hot hot and with no breeze. That's all they ask for. In return, these organisms serve the Earth in a major way. Two things I can immediately think of is pine cones which need fire to reproduce. Pine cones are serotinous or needing fire to reproduce organisms. The cannabis plant would need two weeks a year hot and no breeze the produce the most excellent natural buds. Better than indoor strains. 

I don't know of any animate organisms that serve the Earth in a major way and need two weeks a year with no breeze besides dune buggy and camel racers.

For certain species of bees and ants, hot weather is optimal. Bees pollinate flowers of all different plant species and ants clean the forest floor of organic garbage.

'If you dream it, we build it.' 

I drew a lot of liminal rooms, architecture, etc in my cartoons, dream illustrations, etc. 

Bill Maher said that China is very industrious and can build things fast. For eg a 1000 bed coronavirus hospital was built in two weeks. They built a 53 storey office building in less than three months! 

Other countries can do that too. I wonder, over the years how many of my liminal designs were used and built in different countries here and there around the World.

Pictures: Architecture drawings for the next scene in my cartoon, PCAD. Totally liminal of course. I incorporated this from a dream I had of visiting the McDonalds that was on Denman Street right next to English Bay that was there in Vancouver in 1985. It was demolished or majorly renovated in 1989. 

This is that McDonalds rebooted in the fifth dimension. Hanging plants, an elegant white piano. Multi floors. The top floor is elevators of course and a type of museum displays only found in the fifth dimension. 

In this drawing, the building looks out onto a dry arid landscape of Mars. In my dream, it was the lush waters of English Bay that the restaurant was looking over.

It all reminds me of a Grand Big Mac.

The bottom two pictures I won't use in the cartoon. It's tedious and doesn't add much to the cartoon. I just don't think it will work. This is after trying for over two weeks to draw and animate the sequence.

When I was young, I thought that when I am 50, my desire in general for women would face somewhat due to age. Wrong, women still make that champagne bottle cork pop and fizz in my brain. Women still make me feel all weird and funny inside but in a very good way.  I saw some beautiful women recently and some smiled at me and to a little bit of an extent, displaying the goods, I mean specifically the breasts. 

I hope that I can score again. The only way I can score again is possibly with me having money and then finding a prostitute. I like older women, sure but younger women are very hot. I wonder what my mother would think of me that I turned out like this, always thinking about women. 

Why is it so hot? What is wrong with the planet? 

The internet said the burning of greenhouse gases, fossil fuels, etc. The ocean level is rising and Iceland and Greenland's ice is melting six times faster than in the 80s. 

I don't know about my future but I wouldn't want to father a child into this world. What kind of World would  be left behind? 

Marcus Aurelius said things happened before as history keeps repeating itself. 

These temperatures happened before. Maybe it's the record, maybe it isn't. As the media likes to sensationalize for ratings.

Life is a scary place. In a few thousand years, the shapes of the continents will be unrecognizable from what it is today. In 2 billion years, the sun will be a red giant 200 times larger than what it is today and engulf the Earth. That can send a panic attack in the pit of the stomach. Why worry about abstract scientific truths? 

I'm dealing with a global pandemic, a heat wave and stress about looking after someone in a wheelchair. I'm afraid I will be stuck with her for life but also afraid of missing her if I ever leave her. And I fear for her health.

The future will take care of itself. 

The pandemic restrictions lifting and seeing so many people on the street can bring a reverse culture shock. Your conscious doesn't notice it but your subconscious sure does! 

Again, more worries that will fade in time. 

And there is another lady. I think of her all the time. When you think of someone all the time for months, then you see them again, there is a torrent of thought spiral on a subconscious level. A kind of starstruck, a kind of a feeling of a punch in the stomach. 

I'm afraid that I will never get to date her despite seeing signs about her all the time, Baader Meinhof syndrome. More delusions, nothing better to think about? I am also afraid that I will date her, what if I disappoint her. I've never seen her angry. You don't know someone until you've see them angry. I don't know if I should see her again. All answers eventually reveal themselves in time. Is it panic or is it excitement? 

Problems are problems because you don't have enough information. 

A lose lose situation can also be a win win situation. 

If you're usually a teetotaller like yours truly, drinking beer might be a good idea. It reduces panic attacks, makes time pass faster and sweating is good for you. 

Don't worry about turning into an alcoholic. Just for the next two record setting heat wave days will I drink. Other than an extreme excuse like that I wouldn't drink. 

I might not drink. Drawing cartoons also makes the time go fast and i can't drink and draw.

The News sure has a fetish for the word 'record'. Record number of cases and deaths worst since the start of the pandemic. This next three day cold snap in February 2021 will be record setting. Then now, June the heatwave is the worst on record. 

Relentless punishment, sadistic bullshit. More strange challenges. What were the chances of that?

Record implying that we're in uncharted waters and possibly in over our head. Really?!

They mean to use the word record as sensationalism to keep viewers tuned in for the long haul, they sold one one lurid sensationalist piece after another and using the word record all the time. More weird shit for you to wrap your head around. How irresponsible of them.  But it causes psychological trauma and panic attacks for many. This last year has been especially shit. One shit event after another. 

Another record? What were the chances of that?! Maybe it is. Maybe it isn't. How can the Earth set a record for cold and hot in one year? If it was global warming, how come it was so cold in February?

It's just fake science and statistical noise. 

After seeing this record setting heat wave, I've decided not to ever get a BMW as that adds to greenhouse gases. And I will never have children. What kind of world would they be born into? 

Lots of YouTube videos are titled, The World Will End By 2050. Other videos are titled The World Will End By 2040. 

I really believe, probably erroneously, seeing what I've seen, that the World will surely end before 2100. Having children isn't a good idea because this is the last century of the anthropocene era.

There is no hope.

The World's population was 2.2 billion 120 years ago in 1900. Now it's 7.7 billion! The World won't end. It will merely be unfit for human habitation. At this rate of population growth and with climate change slated to get more intense, there will be no human species in less than 200 years. 

Yet bafflingly, there are lots of people who decided to have children in the last few years. And a lot of people have BMWs too. Again, not thinking things through. What the hell kind of World do you think your children will be left with?! Because of your ego, you brought at least one person into this World who has to deal with a lifetime long slate of bullshit. You see these World records of temperature, why did you get a BMW or any other car. Why? So you can fuck up the environment? The environment isn't fucked up enough for you, you want to fuck it up even more? 

As for the end of the World, for centuries at least there have always been groups that believed the World would end. 

Marijuana was causing a fear pain that I felt in my stomach. I wake up and want to run. I think it's the hotel that does it because it never happened to me before. 

But since I quit. I don't feel those feelings at all. The guts move as food is digested and it's something that's noticeable. With pot, these gut moving feelings become hostile, fear ridden, etc. As the temperature rises, the temperature of the organs start to rise. This does not catalyze with weed very well at all. 

I might quit weed for at least one year. At the me of that year, I might want to or might not want to smoke again. Either way I win. Sobriety is a state of mind to be explored just like the marijuana stoned state of mind.

There is no actual sobriety as one is made high or low with the different psychoactive chemicals that are naturally produced such as serotonin, endorphins, adrenaline, etc etc.

I like sleeping because I am naturally sleepy and not that it's the weed that's making me sleep. Same with eating. 

Marijuana causes paranoia because THC stimulates endocannabinoid receptors in the amygdala. Too much THC can adversely affect the amygdala, the organ responsible for the flight or fight response. If marijuana affects the front part of the brain more, there will be more relaxation and pleasant feelings. The back part of the brain is responsible for the paranoid unpleasant feelings.*

*source: Crystal Raypole, Marijuana Paranoia: Why It Happens And How To Handle It

THC binds to all kinds of other places in the brain but the amygdala is the majorly problem spot.

The weed game, the way I played it was weird. Smoke all the time because if you go even one day without smoking, the next time you smoke it, it would overwhelm me completely. Of course if you smoke too much and it gets saturated in the body, that too can be overwhelming, painful and paranoia-ridden. What the fuck kind of game is that?! Lose lose situation. I'm scared to smoke pot. Gets so I'm scared to do this scared to do that. Scared of this one, scared of that one. That's no way to live! I have to face life like a lion, with courage, not scared of everything. 

Of course drugs are an amplifier. If I'm going through shit times like global pandemic and then to work for some cripple, emotionally blackmailed all the while, if I don't help her she'll fall apart and die, not only covering up for inability but also covering during up for laziness, feebleness, lack of stamina and retardation, and with no end in sight, and then a record setting heatwave, but that's temporary. And then life in a small town, in any small town that's basically a fishbowl existence. That would fuck up any pot high. 

Maybe if times were better for me but they're quite suckful now.

"When I was younger, I was scared of a lot of things I shouldn't have been scared of. I was angry at a lot of things I shouldn't have been angry about." Martin Sheen

The hottest temperature ever in the World was in the United States in Death Valley. On July 10, 1913, the temperature was 56.7 degrees Celsius.

If yesterday was the hottest in Victoria BC in 100 years, then it should not be that hot again for awhile. Unless the globe is warming. Then we're doomed. 

On June 23, 2021, John McAfee antivirus software designer hanged himself. He died. 

He was a very controversial guy.

Fake news from the mainstream media is offputting, but YouTube is certainly no better. 

YouTube has videos titled 'The World  will end by 2040' and 'Nobel Laureate says all people with the coronavirus vaccine will be dead in less than 2 years'. The mainstream media with its fake news would never do stories like that, even on a bad day! 

How it often works is that there is a nugget of scary sensationalist information that the uploader has reconciled themself to and is themselves no longer scared about it. But they'll dispense that information over YouTube and whether the viewers will reconcile themselves to the information and not be scared of it is something the uploader does not care a bit, not even a little bit.

The real World is different from YouTube.

The real World is different from what my faulty paranoia prone mind imagines it to be.

Two types of delusions: 

Congruous - for eg. Getting a lotery ticket. Delsuion - I'm going to win the lottery.

Incongruous - for eg. Getting a slight medical issue, a bump, a sore. Delusion - I'm dying because of this.

I fell off the wagon and smoked weed again after an absence of two or three days. 

My other pain was an unaccounted for pain. Blister on my right pinkie toe. I got special blister bandages and do they work! Otherwise my toe was getting worse and worse with the blistering and the pain. That's what caused a lot of my fear feelings. 

The toe blister was a constant and ongoing for weeks at least and the pain was always at a 2 and climbing. After long walks I'd look at my toe and naively thought that if it went on, they cut off that toe. Maybe! But good thing I got the blister bandages. I think eventually anyone who goes to a doctor for a toe that constantly calluses and blisters to get blister bandages. Any pain like that tweaks the amygdala always. Which causes bad pot trips. 

With any shoe that I wear, that toe blisters. I might have to wear the toe blister bandages - for life!

The toe blister bandages allow for the body's immune system to naturally heal the toe.

Whoever invented these is a genius.

Also, knock on wood, I quit my PCAD job.  That job was one where I was not fully trained, only partially trained and was I legally authorized to do that? Anyways. No more job. Knock on wood. 

Space travel and going to other planets and staying there long term is impossible. One word, gravity. Humans need exactly, not approximately, the gravity of Earth. Even at an approximate gravity to Earth let alone a different one like Mars which is only 1/3 the Earth's gravity, there would be new and unimaginable medical issues to the body. Even humans on earth have medical problems.

Some astronauts say they have effects and medical issues they still didn't recover from. 

2 weeks ago and during the heatwave etc I worried about the future, or my future. These last two weeks didn't turn out somewhat better than I expected. It turned out a way whole heck of a lot better than I expected! 

I went on walks every day. I saw the beautiful sights of this jewel of a town which neutralizes the amygdala. I went to the museum and the exhibit was quite a bit better than expected. I barely worked at all, most days not having to do even a bit of work! 

Last month, it was 23 and a half hours a day in my apartment and working working working.

This month, it's a lot of time every day walking walking walking in leisure, joy and luxuriating in the beauty of this uncommonly beautiful town. It's like day and night. The future can turn very good very fast. It must be because I have good karma. 

My future plans are coming back. I can go to Church. That gives me references so I can get a passport. Less than two years of saving and I can travel to Poland or Thailand, and don't forget England. That's a possibility. I hope to get a volunteer job at the museum. Even if I'm over 65 and all jobs except volunteer jobs are no longer an option, I can still travel, go on walks, not have to work at any ridiculous jobs. I can't work for this person anymore. I don't know if I'm actually legally authorized to do that work although lots of people do it. I couldn't do it. 

One day, perhaps something or someone can inspire me to do a good cartoon again. 

The government generously pays me for living. That's my payment from life for the cartoons. It's a good set up. No deadlines, no minimum standard. Just do it whenever. 

My payment is knowing that somewhere my cartoons inspired someone to get into art or otherwise be a more responsible and better person than they otherwise would have been. Or at least they were entertained and enjoyed it. 

I realize now that my brash cavalier attitude was to mask a fear of the future and death. The attitude of best to give up on life, life owes you nothing and I owe life nothing. Was an intellectual attempt to get it over with. If death is so bad, dying on one's own terms so as to avoid an otherwise inevitable ghastly wretched painful algorithm of physical decline in the future is a good option. 

That was just masking and avoiding the problem. 

I'm glad that this crisis helped me to look at this particular problem in a different and better light. No one can predict the future. The future has a way of pleasantly surprising you and is usually not as bad as the picture I painted in my head.  

Steve Jobs said, "You can connects the dots in the past but not in the future..." 

The future also depends on the little choices that one makes today. Go on a walk or not. Quit smoking or not. 

I hope I can quit smoking before the year is over. However I was working for someone who smokes a carton of smokes every three days!!!!!!! I have to avoid this person as much as possible. The dynamic has changed. Working for this person is like working for a 51 year old retarded child. Bottomless pit. I give up. This person is in a worse condition than most people will ever be in. Give them advice and they don't listen or follow it. Forget it.

A poor person through right choices can live a life as good or better than a millionaire.

A poor person in good health is better than being a millionaire with health problems. 

A poor person who is sober is better than a millionaire with a major drug or alcohol problem. 

You don't have to be smart to live in a millionaire's mansion. Some people are born retarded or invalid or bedridden and living in a millionaires mansion sometimes lifelong. 

A poor person who travels is better off or if not that no worse off than the millionaire who never travels ever being too preoccupied with business, their latest technological toys or else preoccupied with love and a loving situation. 

I might get an inheritance. However better no inheritance than to get an inheritance and fuck it up. One mistake after another. Forget it. 

However, I am a responsible and conscientious person.

Actually, I doubt that I'll ever get any kind of inheritance whatsoever. 

Fear of the future, old age and dying is a universal fear. It is the last and greatest fear.

Death is already a part of life.

YouTube comment: A person doesn't die all in one day. Any moment in the past is a moment that is over and already owned by death.

Sadghuru: When a person is born, the first thing they do is inhale. When a person dies the last thing they do is exhale. All through life we are yo-yoing with the forces of life and death. If upon death, after the last exhalation, the next inhalation cannot be attained, then that's it.