February 2023

Wednesday, February 1, 2023

Thank God for the gift of life. 

Woke up with a bit of fear. I remind myself that today could be a day I think is bad but years later realize it was a good day so why not enjoy it? I remind myself that God is with me. Heaven is real. Believe it and good people will go to heaven so strive to be a good person. I place my life into the hands and the will of God. God has a plan, a schedule. 

Better is the one who went through fear and conquered it than the one who never felt any fear. 

Eternity is a long time. Eternity is longer than a googol years. A googol is one followed with 100 zeros. To give you an idea how big that number is, the number of atoms in the known Universe is between 1 followed with 78 zeros to 1 followed with 82 zeros. 

Apeirophobia is fear of eternity. However eternity for anyone is cut up into eras and chapters. The end of one chapter is the start of another chapter. This is just like how instead of eating one large piece of meat or one large piece of vegetable all at once, the idea is to cut it into little pieces to be eaten one little piece at a time. 

All problems will be solved in time. 

This Spring, I plan to go on a long vacation in Vancouver. I'd stay at a rooming house in the downtown eastside for at least two weeks, maybe a month. Those places are not expensive and don't require a credit card. I don't know if I'll actually do it. It's just a thought. The downtown eastside is generally not dangerous if you're not a junkie who is into injecting fentanyl and if you keep to yourself. Stay low key and don't be wandering down any alleys late at night. Once a year or every two years I plan to do a long vacation in Vancouver. 

Last night, the Cetus app, on some episodes of television shows there was a message saying that there is something wrong with the satellite connection and to try again. 

"Video player had error p1. q: source error

This problem can be caused by a network issue

Try again."

There is no trying again. It just doesn't work. This happened for Game of Thrones House of the Dragon and also for Tulsa King. 

Simple to remedy. The app has a few lines or channels for each movie. If that message shows up, use a different line. Lines are listed as Line 3, Line 6, Line 7, Line 8, Line 10 or whatever. 

Tulsa King is a really good show. Sylvester Stallone is portraying a gangster who goes to a small town. He is 75 years old and is inspiring to people who are facing old age. He is like a big brother to those younger than him and he is a role model. Sylvester Stallone is a much loved actor worldwide. He is a great man. In the show he said that he is "Bruised but not beaten. Down but not out." Very inspiring. 

I also saw part of the first episode of  the new Lord of the Rings television series. I thought all these shows would be boring but television shows don't try to be boring. They are very compelling or they wouldn't have made it. Their purpose is to hook viewers in. A good television series can make you forget your own problems and also it let's you learn something new. The production values are incredible. Television series today look better and are more spectacular than movies of years ago. And the movies of today have incredible production values. 

Yesterday, I watched Coming To America 2. It's a good movie to watch for Black History Month. It's a movie about Royalty. Eddie Murphy is a King in this movie who goes to America to search for his long lost son and to tell his son that he is a Prince. 

I went to the Dollar store and to Shoppers Drug Mart today. Then I returned to my apartment room. That's the only outing I went on all day. Every once in awhile its good to spend time at home. Usually I go on a long walk every day. 

I listened to 80s music on the Stingray channel on my television. It made me feel good as I thought about Vancouver. I watched a few episodes of Tulsa King today. I tried to watch House of the Dragon episode 3 but that message reappeared. The Cetus app is a broken platform. 

I had an afternoon nap and woke up afraid. Earlier, I watched a porn video, 'Granny Treat 2 - When The Cuckolds Are Away - Sims 4' on xhamster. Is it normal or depraved to watch animated porn? If it's depraved then I am depraved. Hence the fear. 

Awhile ago I watched the movie Kinsey starring Liam Neeson. That movie said a lot of people feel anxiety about sex thinking that their sexual tastes are not normal when it really is normal. So many people have similar tastes, whatever their tastes are. 

I am still afraid of the future. I don't know if I have the strength or what it takes to handle the rest of my life. Changing channels on the Stingray music app looking for 89s songs, I clicked on in time to hear Howard Jones, Life In One Day just ending. Even though I only caught the end of the song, it is a sign telling me not to worry about the future. "Just enjoy the here and now The future will take care of itself somehow." 

I thought about God and how He is always in my life at all times watching over me. I thought of the Bible verses, Timothy: "For God has not given you a spirit of fear but of courage and sound mind." 

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you siad the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future." 

Ephesians 1:11 "Furthermore because we are united with Christ, we have received a share in the inheritance of God for he chooses us in advance, and makes everything work out according to his plan." 

Genesis 28:15 "God Wil watch over us every day of our lives." 

And of course Psalm 23: The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want. He leads to to lie down in green pastures. He leads me to still waters. He restores my spirit. Though I walk in the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for God is with me. His rod and staff comfort me. Goodness and mercy will follow me the rest of my days. I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever." 

I still smoke tobacco. I am still afraid to smoke pot. When I smoke it, I think," So I'm back to this again. Why must I always mess with this?" Then psychosis sets in and I think, "I am crazy. Really crazy. My life is crazy. Because of my craziness, people are wanting to kill me. I wish I was 100% normal and 100% perfect. But I wind up being crazy. The stuff I write on the Internet. On a scale of 1 to 10, my craziness is at an 11." I should remember that just because I think something, it doesn't mean that it's true. The thoughts don't accurately reflect the reality. I don't think people are planning to kill me as much when I don't smoke pot. Why would they want to kill me any more or less whether I smoke pot or not? 

I am a light to moderate smoker of tobacco. Not a heavy smoker. 

Thursday, February 2, 2023

Today I went to visit Heather. I went with her to the hair salon. 

I watched the entire season of Tulsa King. There is going to be a season 2. 

I felt good these last two days including today. No fear. No anxiety. Listening to music from the 80s and thinking of Vancouver plus the light of Spring time made me feel good. I'll take it. 

"We have a saying in Russia. When something good is happening, it is better to not ask" Why? "" Oz, television series

I am going to ask my dentist a few questions. If I get implants which I won't because it's about $4,000 a tooth. Since I have bone loss would I need bone grafting and ridge augmentation? Would it be an autograft or an allograft? If it's an autograft where in my body would be bone be from? 

I might need immediate dentures rather than regular dentures. If I get immediate dentures would I need alveoloplasty? That's grinding down the jawbone a bit so the dentures could fit. 

I have one molar left at the very back of my left side of my lower jaw. Usually all molars and premolars are removed before immediate dentures are acquired. Would my one molar have to be removed before I get immediate dentures? All my molars and premolars are gone now anyways except for that one molar on the very back of my left side of my lower jaw. 

Regular dentures are for those who have no teeth. Immediate or partial dentures are for those who have teeth.

Dentures have less bite force than original teeth. Implants have more bite force than the original teeth, which could be injurious to the tongue.  

February 3, 2023

There's a new movie, Cocaine Bear. 

It's a true story about a bear who in 1985 found lots of packages of cocaine in the woods that was throw from a plane. The guy, Andrew Thornton the 2nd who threw the cocaine from the plane died when he jumped out of the plane and his parachute failed to open. Andrew Thornton was also carrying pounds of cocaine, and a duffel bag full of money. That's where the similarity ends. In the movie the bear goes on a rampage and kills a lot of people. In real life, the bear died of a stroke, renal failure, cerebral hemorrhaging and hypothermia due to the 80 pounds of cocaine that it ingested. 

The bear was stuffed and since 2016, is now in the Kentucky Fun Mall with a sign around its neck that reads, "Do not do drugs or you will be dead (and probably stuffed) like poor cocaine bear." That's good advice. The best way to live is clean and sober. Don't do drugs. 

Cocaine Bear in Kentucky Fun Fair. 

Today I visited Heather. We went around downtown together. 

I saw two movies that I borrowed from the library. One was Emily the Criminal starring Aubrey Plaza. In this movie her character Emily gets caught up in a fake credit card scam. 

The other movie I watched was Swan Song. The movie is about an old gay hairstylist who is asked to do one last hairstyle for a lady who died and is in a coffin. The movie was quite entertaining. This is a movie about someone who is old. Even though the character in this movie is old, he goes through life fearless and not caring about anything. That's how I'd like to be when I get older. 

I am trying to remember what movie or TV show this quote is from and it's been on my mind all day. "You failed to show him loving kindness."  "I cooked for him. I cleaned for him. If that's not loving kindness."  I'll remember it one of these days. The other day I tried to remember what other forest was in Lord of the Rings besides Fangorn Forest. Then a few days later I remembered. Amon Henn. 

The movie Swan Song said that nothing is ever lost. It might take awhile to remember but it's all up here. In the brain. 

Saturday, February 4, 2023

Today I went to the beach then to Ogden Point where I visited Breakwater Bistro. I had a 2 piece fish and chips. Breakwater Bistro is a restaurant I've seen there for years but only visited for the first time today. It's a great restaurant. Good experience. 

The Breakwater Bistro. 

I take care to enjoy the scenery at the beach. It is a beautiful scene. I always think that any scene will be in my life forever but scenes have a way of slipping through the fingers. One day, I'll live somewhere else. I usually never think it's so but it always eventually turns out to be so. 

I then returned home. I borrowed the movie Churchill from the Library. Watched some of it, stepped out and when I walked back in my room, the scene that I wanted to see was plying. It was the scene where King George the 6th says to Winston Churchill that, "The anxiety of the coming days would be greatly increased if there was even the slightest risk of anything happening to you." King George the 6th visited me in a dream during a time when I was thinking about suicide yet I knew I didn't have it in me to go through with it. 

I watched a video about a UBC Walk from uploader Jerome Forestwood. At the end of a video he visits a food court I didn't know existed. 

My dream is to move to UBC and to live there one day. An impossible dream because it's so expensive. Seeing the video gave me UBC vibes. You would only get UBC vibes if you knew the place well. I've known UBC for over 40 years. Even though there are a lot of new buildings there, I can still get the UBC vibes even through watching the video. It's heavenly vibes. Heaven exists because it already exists in places on Earth. 

Yesterday, I saw a movie called Some Kind of Heaven. It's about some very happy old people who love at The Villages old age home estate in Florida. One guy named Dennis Dean said, "Women have their ways. To be live with a woman is comfort. To live alone is freedom. You can have comfort or you can have freedom but you can't have both." That's how I feel with Suzie and with Heather too. I definitely don't feel freedom when I'm with Suzie but I also don't feel freedom when I'm with Heather. One day I hope I can move on from Heather but I also don't want it to involve a scenario where Heather goes to the hospital and dies. That's what I fear. Heather is not in the greatest of health. I could just abandon Heather and move to Vancouver. But I want to live in a nice neighborhood in Vancouver, not the downtown eastside. The downtown eastside in Vancouver is on another level and not a good level at that. Wall to wall hardcore drug use. Moving from here to the downtown eastside is like moving from a minimum security prison to a maximum security prison. Hopefully I can live in Kitsilano or in UBC. That's my wish. That's my dream. Only God has the power to grant such a wish for me. Whether He decides to do it or not is another thing. Pastor Joel said not to pray meek prayers. He said to say bold prayers. Wish God for something big is what Pastor Joel said. So my prayer to God is that I can one day live in Kitsilano or UBC one day and for me to possibly get a BMW too. Other than that I don't have any wishes. A girlfriend would be nice but I don't know if there's anyone I'm compatible with. And women can be a trap. I'm used to the single lonely bachelor life. I see that there are lots of women in Victoria who are always alone. I never ever see them with any guys. 

UBC = heaven. To me UBC and Vancouver is more beautiful than Thailand or England or the United States so why would I ever go there in the future? 

Vancouver is more beautiful than Toronto and Montreal too. But thats just my opinion. James Bay is the most beautiful area in Victoria. Craigdarroch Castle is nice too. Anywhere else in Victoria is boring and prosaic. All places in Vancouver are beautiful. Even the downtown eastside is beautiful and has a certain heavenly vibe which reminds me of the Shakespeare times and also of the 70s. But nowadays the demographic of the downtown eastside is hard core drug addicts and delinquents living in tents. Why is it that the downtown eastside gets worse and never better. There is a politician who presides over the area who has been a Provincial MLA for the area since the 90s and now she's a Federal MP and under her watch the downtown Eastside just gets worse and worse. This is one politician who doesn't believe in term limits for politicians. She's an NDP politician and the NDP are Communists. And Communists don't believe in term limits either. "The NDP is just a kiss away from Communism." Pat Burns 

The late great Pat Burns was a right wing radio show host back in the day, back in the 80s before podcasts became the norm. 

Sunday, February 5, 2023

I went to Church. There was a weird energy there today. 

Then I went to visit Heather. We went to Value Village then we went to McDonald's.

I spent the rest of the day at home. I watched a few YouTube videos about walking around UBC while listening to some funk music on my headphones namely B. B. & Q. Band's On The Beat and Starlette. That really brings out the UBC vibes plus Sunday vibes. UBC is heaven for me only because I know it well and it has been imprinted on me since I was young. I've known about UBC for over 40 years. Nowhere else in all of Canada or the World is as beautiful as UBC. Holland Point Park and Beckley Manor in Victoria BC gets a very honorable mention. That place is beautiful too and has a heavenly vibe. Heck, any place has a beautiful vibe if you have it within you to sense beautiful vibes. I get beautiful Sunday vibes from seeing pictures of small towns. Small towns have very calm and powerful Sunday vibes. 

There is more to this day. After Church I went to coffee hour. I sat alone at a table then someone asked if he could sit next to me. He told me that he is named Val and that he's from Alberta. He is an old man. I told him I've been to Alberta a few times. He then asked me what I did for a living. I told him that although I did animated cartoons and write a blog, I am unemployed. I also said that my internet career was a failure. Not a lot of people read my blog. Google registers my blog view count as only two people who viewed it although I installed another view counter which registers a much higher view count. Google suppresses my view count. I then said that my view count is low because maybe I have a bad reputation on the internet. He asked, "Why do you have a bad reputation? Did you say something or do something?!" I said, "It's mainly because I don't read other people's blogs or follow them. If you don't follow a lot of people, there's less of a chance they'd follow you. Me and millions of others on the internet have low view counts."

He then asked me about crypto currency. He didn't understand it. I told him that I barely understood it. He seemed somewhat angry the whole time. Then another person sat down at the table. His named is Jorge, pronounced hor-hay. At one time I thought he was gay but he's married to a lady. Then another lady who has been my friend there for years but who I think is kind of crazy sat down and said to me, "See that lady with the glasses? Her name is Mary. She hasn't been here for a long time. She's in the military so you better watch yourself." I was offended when she told me to watch myself. But she was smiling a bit when she said that, so she was just riding me. 

Life is a shit sandwich. A shit sandwich is when I am in a situation between two or more people none of whom are the best people and none of them are people who are best suited for me and on my level. But in life there is no one I've ever met who I would like to spend 24 hours a day with. Even the best people I met who were Buddhist Priests and Christian Priests are people who are flaky at the edges and leave much to be desired. So life is a shit sandwich. Even I myself wonder how I spend 24 hours a day with myself. I have a lot of things about myself that annoy me such as my OCD and my tobacco habit. I too am a shit sandwich to myself. 

There is a story about Diogenes and the lamp. Diogenes had a lamp to look for someone with a pure heart. But he never found anyone like that because he himself didn't have a pure heart. 

"I'm just a miner for a heart of gold." Neil Young 

I met the military lady and I told her that I admire the military and I saluted her. I also said to her, "Since you were in the military, you must be a great fighter." She smiled and said, "I am an easy person."

I worried about this all day and all night. Then a sign. I was on YouTube and a YouTube recommendation was a video of a movie trailer. The name of the movie is A Lot Of Nothing. Basically I worried about nothing. Often I worry about people at Church, and this was certainly not the first time but later on it turns out to be all right. Really. People who I thought were mean, when I talked to them more later, they turned out to be quite friendly. I often jump to conclusions. People can annoy and it might seem like a shit sandwich but pretty much all people have their good qualities and things to admire. Especially at Church. Church is the House of God and the spirit of Jesus Christ redeems us all. 

I got a few King George VI connections. The word Val has a V and an l which put together forms a Vl. Alberta. King George the VI's name was Albert. Then Jorge. That connection is obvious. 

People work in patterns. That Val guy probably is like that to a lot of people. He probably seems slightly angry to a lot of people. But he probably isn't really angry. If he were angry, you'd know it. That's the general impression he gives. And that lady whom I've known for years. She's kind of flaky, spinny like that to a lot of people, to everyone. This I know and have seen. Even the way she walks, shuffling and looking around in a flaky way. People work in patterns. 

Today I watched a movie called The God Committee. It's a movie about a heart surgeon who himself had to get open heart surgery. It would be stressful and scary to get that. It's something so scary that Albert Einstein himself opted not to get heart surgery. Anyways this heart surgeon must have been worried and stressing about that but on the plane ride over to the hospital to get his heart surgery, he died on the plane. There was no pain because he didn't scream. His medical team who were also on that plane ride found him dead in the morning. Therefore, often the things we worry about wind up never happening. Pastor Joel Osteen said, "Most of the things I worried about never came to pass."

I worry that every night, I get less than 8 hours of sleep. Matt Walker said a person needs 8 hours of sleep or their health will be severely compromised. I'm sure that millions of people in the World get less than 8 hours of sleep a day and they live to be quite old. 

I would only travel to Vancouver. I have travel anxiety and would not travel to anywhere other than Vancouver. This includes England, Thailand, the United States and Europe or even to Toronto, I would not travel to those places. Fear of traveling is called hodophobia.

Monday, February 6, 2023

I walked to James Bay. On the way there, I saw a lot of people from the military. The military gives me warm nostalgic vibes. The military represents a form of comfort and security. The military reminds me of the movie Stripes. I love the military although I would never be accepted into the military. I am almost 53 years old, underheight, underweight and have a few mental issues. I've never fired a gun ever. 

I walked to the beach and on the way there went into a store to get a bag of chips. I remember in 1976 I went with my cousins to a corner store to get a bag of Old Dutch ketchup flavored chips.  

I went to the beach and then I went to the Library to borrow two fast view DVDs. I went home and the DVD cases were empty. They were fast views which were behind the desk! When I went to return the DVD cases, first making a trip to return one and then another trip to return the other, I saw a lady from one of the Churches I go to. I had a chance to say hi to her on the second trip back although I saw her on the first trip there but was hesitant to say hi to her. The second time, I saw her, said hi and she turned around and smiled and talked to me. I think she is kind of sexy. But then I think that of a lot of women. Chain of events. Had I gone to the front desk at the Library to get the fast views, I would have never got a chance to say hi to the sexy lady at Church. Maybe she isn't that sexy. I saw her wearing panty hose under a dress one time and her legs didn't look too sexy. That's life. 

I saw the movie Jackass Forever on an app called Zeus. I laughed and laughed which I hadn't for so long. Jackass Forever was off setting because it had a lot of male nudity which is off putting to me. Gross. But the skits were funny. If I drank beer and watched it again, I would laugh so hard that tears would run down my face and my stomach muscles would hurt. I've laughed like that a few times before. Laughter like that is an omen that something good will happen in my future. So me laughing when I saw Jackass Forever yesterday is such an omen. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2023

I woke up with no fear. I had no anxiety for days except yesterday, I had a momentary micro sliver of anxiety when I watched a YouTube video about hamsters and was debating to myself if I should get a hamster or not. 

Every day now is calm and normal. No anxiety. No fear. At one time I thought the fear and anxiety would last forever and never go away. Two years ago I thought the feeling of boulders rolling in my head and the hot steam iron in my stomach would be there for life. It was very painful and I was close to suicide then. I'm glad I didn't kill myself because that went away. 

Last night I had a dream about US President George W Bush. He wanted my address and I was going to write it down on a piece of paper. I forgot my postal code. In doing that I made him wait too long and he walked out. 

In the dream I wanted a chance to escape my boring repetitive life for a life in the US especially with the support of a US President! 

Thinking about it now, I'm not sure that I'd trade a chance to live near UBC or Kitsilano in Vancouver for a chance to move to the US. I must be careful to enjoy the scenes in my life now. There is more than a 1% chance that I could move to another town one day and I will for sure miss the scenes in my life now such as the streets of downtown and my walks to the beach. I don't know that I won't move to another town one day. Fate is like a strong wind that sweeps a person up taking it along in its path. 

I slept after 2 am and woke up at 5:30 am today. That's wretched and horrible. I saw a YouTube video from Drew Binsky last night about an old man in Vietnam who basically hasn't slept for decades! He's 80 years old and was still alive when the video was made. He might still be alive. That old man drinks rice wine heavily and he smokes tobacco too! 

A way to get back to sleep is to drink chamomile tea. 

Woke up with no fear and anxiety. I've had pretty much no anxiety for days except yesterday I had anxiety when I saw a hamster in YouTube and debated about whether to get a hamster or not. Dr Friedemann on YouTube said, over time, measure the length of time and also the intensity and frequency of your anxiety. For me it is decreasing. All those months I worried for nothing because things turned out well for me. I thought I'd had to work for Heather 7 days a week for years to come. She moved into better digs and I only work for her only 2 or 3 days a week and for less than an hour each time. I choose to work for her. I don't know why. Kindness? One day I'd like to be free from Heather. Although I'd miss her. It's a real dilemma. No scene or friendship lasts forever. 

Today I watched a movie called Voyagers. A crew from Earth goes to a distant planet for possible human colonization. It's an 86 year trip. Dying the trip, there is a mutiny. There is one adult who choose to go. The rest of the crew are teenagers about 17 years old. The teenagers form factions and there is a mutiny on the ship. Would this happen in real life? The teenagers don't have a Police force nor a prison or a brig on that ship. Strange movie but entertaining. 

Wednesday, February 8, 2023

Visited Heather today. We went to 7-11 and then she needed to go to the bank. Good day. The uplifting logt of Spring. It's a toss up between all other seasons but Spring might just be my favorite time of the year. 

Yesterday I completed watching the movie The Pale Blue Eyes. Strange story. Set in 1830. A Police detective is sent in to investigate an occult murder at West Point military Academy. A man is found hanged. It turns out that there is some occult stuff going on but the hanged man was killed by the Police Detective himself as the hanged man had violated the Detectives daughter leading her to commit suicide. Edgar Allen Poe is also on the case as he was a West Point Academy cadet and an amateur detective neither of which were true in real life. In 1830 President Abraham Lincoln was still alive. 

This morning I had a quick dream of Abraham Lincoln. He was lying on a bed and the back of his head which was lying on white pillows had cloths on it as someone was using their hands to dress the back of his head. Then Abraham Lincoln got up off the bed and walked. He was wearing his well known black tuxedo. I shook myself when I had this dream. People will think I'm crazy for having this dream! 

I am now watching Darby and the Dead. Darby is a high school student. She sees dead people. Darby is trying to help a cheerleader who died get to the cheerleders sweet 17 party.  Even though the cheerleader is dead, she still wants to get to her own sweet 17 party. I don't know if or when I would watch this. Not anytime soon. It got too long and drawn out and I don't know if it's based on any actual science. I'll watch this eventually. 

I got other shows to I want to watch more. 

Babylon looks good. It's a 3 hour movie about the days of silent movies of the 1920s. It starts off with a party but the scenes of excessive drug use namely the drug called cocaine, turned me off. It's not wise to use too much drugs. The best way to live is clean and sober. Since it's a three hour movie and I only watch the first 15 minutes of it, so far it is establishing the setting. The plot hasn't taken off yet. 

Lord of the Rings - Rings of Power looks good. 

The Offer seems gritty. It's about the story behind the movie The Godfather. 

And 1923 seems good. It has Harrison Ford and Helen Mirren. It's about a cutthroat family of 1923 defending their land, I think. 

I finished all 10 episodes of the first season of Game of Thrones House of the Dragon. Absolutely smoking. They hit it out of the park. I can't wait for Season 2 but it won't release until sometime in 2024. House of the Dragon is set 172 years before the Game of Thrones. House of the Dragon is most highly recommended. 

I started watching 1923. It's kind of depressing and partly depicts Catholic run Indian Residential Schools. It's kind of gritty and would freak a person out if they were coming down off cocaine. Western movies often are. I would still continue to watch the show. 

Thursday, February 9, 2023

Woke up late, almost noon. I slept at 4 am and was determined to get 8 hours of sleep a day as Matt Walker recommended. I'm sure at that Ted talk there must have been at least a few people in the audience who disagreed with him thinking, "I haven't had 8 hours of sleep a night for years and I'm fine." 

A couple times ladies have visited my place and just lay down on my bed and slept for about 18 hours, just sleeping and not moving from the bed for 18 hours. Is it a chick thing? Women can be exasperating. Women. Can't live without them, can't live with them. 

Without women, there is freedom. Women can really tie you down. 

Women can make your life more cool and more uncool at the same time. Cool equals getting laid regularly. Uncool equals the square domestic demands of women, go out and get some milk, oh guess what, now you're on the hook for child support. 

There were times in my life which I felt that I didn't like women and felt sorry for women because they have to get pregnant and go through childbirth. Then someone said to me, "You don't like and honor your mother?" I do love my mother but I also have hated life for most of my life and would often have preferred not to have been born. Life and living is a hassle. Life is full of delinquents and I screwed up my life somehow. If I hadn't been born, courtesy of my mother, I wouldn't have screwed up my life. I don't know why I even bothered to go on living after all my life is completely screwed up. If I was successful, that would be one thing. I have to live with the insufferability of being unsuccessful. Do I honor my mother? I would honor her more had she decided not to give me birth in the first place. On the night I got conceived, why didn't she go to the movies that night instead? Life has been one shit sandwich after another. A shit sandwich is being surrounded with people on this side or that side who I don't feel are on my level and people who aren't good for me, people I don't really like. I would prefer not to have been born in the first place. 

Even now I live in a shit sandwich. The neighbor who lives to the right of me likes to feed mice and pigeons and more than my fair share of mice run into my room. I don't feed mice and pigeons so in return the forces of life give me a neighbour like that. The neighbor who lives to the left of me is an angry monkey heavy metal hamster. He used to flip out and yell and throw things around in his room. I am into zen meditation and I create art, I create, and so in return the forces of life gives me a heavy metal hamster for a neighbor. Hamster referring to someone who stays up all night like a  nocturnal hamster. Damn the pernicious egregious forces of life!!! Am I glad my mother had given me birth? Uh, no. I hope I die in my sleep ASAP, peacefully, quickly and painlessly of a heart attack. That would be God's will. That would be God doing me a solid. 

"A leech's kiss, a squid's embrace, A defiling ape's prurient touch. Do I like humans? No, not much."

Aldous Huxley, Ape and Essence 

Yet I depend on humans and some humans are really great. If I were to live at UBC or in Kitsilano  in Vancouver or at Beckley Manor in Victoria BC, I would need human architects to have built the place I live at. If I ever get a BMW, I would need humans to design and build the BMW and I would need humans working at gas stations to get fuel in the BMW. Even now, humans who cook better than I can work at restaurants I visit. If they cooked worse than I did, what would be the point of visiting restaurants? Humans who are more immensely talented at music than I could ever be make music that I listen to on my mp3 player. So the human species isn't all delinquents. 

There are lots of delinquents in my town. Someone spray painted something on the Queen Victoria painting downtown. More delinquency. What are the chances of that? 

Friday, February 10, 2023

This morning, I watched the movie Fall. It's about two young college girls climbing a 2,000 foot television broadcasting tower. The movie gives Vertigo just watching it. I thought the movie was mainly green screened but a video on YouTube said they actually used a real tower to film this. Crazy. And I thought that my life is crazy! There is a twist ending to this movie. 

The movie Fall has two messages. One is tat the only way to conquer fears is to face them through exposure therapy. The other message is that fears are there to protect you against doing stupid things like climbing 2,000 foot television broadcasting towers. 

Woke up thinking that life is overwhelming. Should I do this? Should I do that? Should I go to a same restaurant twice in one week? Life is difficult. I live in a rooming house hotel that doesn't allow pets, not even a hamster. There are no bathtubs in this hotel. And it is a non smoking hotel, although guests who have lived here for a long time including myself are allowed to smoke through some grandfather clause. 

In the TV series 1823, Harrison Ford said it best when he said something like, "I've worked here for 50 years and I've never seen an easy year." in reply to someone saying something like, "It's the easy years that make up for the hard years otherwise we wouldn't even bother." 

I've never seen an easy year. I've only seen difficult years. Life is a defective algorithm. William Blake said, "Some are born to sweet delight while others are born to endless night." 

I thank God for the gift of life, yet I often wish I could just give up on life not through suicide but through God deciding to let me die in my sleep with a heart attack. If, when I was a child, I knew my life was going to turn out like this, I wouldn't have even bothered. But it is not easy to commit suicide. It's impossible to do it. I only wish the will of God would do to me what he sees fit. 

There is difficult and there is difficult. Some people have profound disabilities yet they haven't given up on life. I think they have faith or something. But Bill Maher said in Religulous, "So they put these things in their wheelchairs to give thanks to a God who has taken away their ability to walk to begin with." 

Play the game. Religion is a game. Christianity asks you to believe all these things that defy logic. It's a form of intimidation. If someone can get you to believe in and to acquiesce to something that you know is logically impossible, they've already beaten you and they can get you to do other things to, to join their weird culty cult control system, to donate money etc. Religion is an extension of government. Government's optimal desire is a pliant populace. If one can be brought to believe the logically impossible premises within religion, they can be convinced to likewise acquiesce to the government like pay taxes, or to not complain when the government passes another bullshit law.

The Adam and Eve story of the Bible is even more difficult to believe than the story about Jesus. And the Bible doesn't mention dinosaurs. Religion might say, "We used to teach Adam and Eve, but in light of scientific discoveries of the last 100 years...." 

There are people with University degrees who still believe in Adam and Eve which makes me wonder about University degrees. 

It's one thing for religion to teach about God and having optimal morals but for religion to also teach about a version of World history which doesn't match empirical scientific evidence is another thing. 

There is so much about life that doesn't make sense. It's best not to be born at all. To be born is to be in over your head swamped with an avalanche of bullshit. 

I don't know if I want to watch 1923. That's going down a long cumbersome rabbit hole of also watching 1883 and also 5 seasons of Yellowstone. Heather got a Yellowstone 2023 calendar. 

Watching all of the Yellowstone series is too much. Do I watch 1923 then 1883 and then Yellowstone or do I watch 1923 then Yellowstone then 1883? Wouldn't t make sense to watch 1883 then 1923 then Yellowstone? That's too much. Some people didn't have a choice as Yellowstone aired first then 1883 then 1923. Yellowstone is a Machiavellian cowboy western soap opera and I'm not really into westerns that much. Yellowstone is like Louis L'Amour novels. Cowboy has a ranch and has to defend it against any marauders etc. 

I might just give up on it all. Why even bother? See how overwhelming and full of details life is? That's why I often think that I'd like to give up on life. The dream world seems so light and airy. I'd like. Go to the dream world forever and not come back. In te dream world I'm young. In this life I'm old. I'm in my 50s. That's old. 

Wrong thinking: Anything that's worth doing is worth doing right. 

Right thinking: Anything that's too difficult isn't worth doing at all. Including watching all of the Yellowstone TV series. 

Yellowstone is the highest viewed TV series in American history. 

Today I went to Breakwater Bistro. Again. Twice in one week. I had Bolognese. I thought it would be spaghetti noodles but was pleasantly surprised that it was the more gourmet and upscale ribbon noodles. The bar had good lighting that made me feel nostalgic for the Maritime Museum of Vancouver. 

I then went to Thrifty Foods to get some ground beef. Then I went to the Library. Then I went to Dollarama to get some AA batteries for my wall clock which had been running slow. Batteries with a weak charge can make a wall clock run slow. 

I tried to visit Heather today but she wasn't home. Oh, my sweetness. 

Saturday, February 11, 2023

This morning, early in the morning, I saw the movie Babylon. It's a really good movie. It's about Hollywood during the era of the transition from silent movies to movies with sound. Very exciting movie. This movie was a whirlwind that left me breathless. The theme of covering the Era between silent movies and talkies was done in Downton Abbey A New Era but Babylon does it much better. Downton Abbey is a Sunday afternoon drive in the country with grandma while Babylon is a fast drive in a Lamborghini. 

Some of the music in this movie is diegetic which means the characters in the movie are also hearing the music. The director of Babylon, Damien Chazelle does movies with diegetic music such as Whiplash and LA La Land. Damien Chazelle is a genius. He's crazy in the very best way. 

Leave one friend, leave one situation and try to find another friend who is a good friend and another situation that is a good situation. There are none. All friends and all situations are problems. Life is just moving from one set of problems to another. Each of these sets of problems are temporary and will be solved but only to be replaced with another set of temporary problems that will be solved and so on and so on. 

Today I visited my sweetness. Me and Heather went to a store on Government Street. I got 3 cups of Rap Snacks ramen noodles. The three cups each had a saying:

- There's no limit to success. Louisiana spicy chicken. 

- Believe in yourself before you believe in anyone else. Spicy beef. 

- Appreciate the good times. Creamy chicken gumbo. 

Today was a great day. No fear or anxiety. 

Today, I watched Downton Abbey the movie. It was about a Royal visit to the Abbey. 

Sunday, February 12, 2023

I went to Christ Church today. Normal run of the mill Church service. 

I went home and on the way got two Vietnamese salad rolls. 

I spent the rest of the day at home. I didn't go to the afternoon Church. The law of diminishing returns. I go to Church to get Sunday vibes. Going there more won't get more Sunday vibes. 

I watched a new documentary on YouTube about the RCMP St Roch. It's a great documentary. 

I miss Vancouver. I spent the rest of the day feeling depressed. After the fear and anxiety are gone, boredom and depression remains. I got no good Sunday vibes today. There are moments during the week when I get a feeling of nostalgia or bliss. Don't expect bliss to last for hours and hours. Even an occasional moment of bliss and nostalgia are nice. 

I wish I could get a million dollars for my writings about dreams. I wish I could get a million dollars for all my writings. If I had a million dollars, I'd move to Vancouver and live in a nice place in Kitsilano or else UBC or even try to get a more affordable nice place in the Eastside of Vancouver near Oppenheimer Park, or Commercial Drive. God knows that I miss Vancouver. 

I might move back to Vancouver in a couple of years at most. Vancouver is lively and festive. I know and miss Vancouver vibes. Victoria is cleaner, less junkies but is a boring fishbowl existence. 

Another weather balloon was brought down by the US military. These are surveillance balloons from China. Balloons? The 1930s called. They want their zeppelins back. 

What do women getting pregnant and a balloon have in common? One prick changes everything. 

Hopefully the balloons aren't a casus belli or else an Article of War. 

I looked again at the Samsung Q80B TV at London Drugs today. First of all, it's $1399 for a 55" television which is outrageous as I got my 55" TV for $399 on sale at Shoppers Drug Mart a few years ago. The display on the Samsung Q80 TV makes everything look like it is made of plastic with a layer of gloss over it. Even stone bricks look plastic with a layer of gloss varnish over it. It doesn't look lifelike. It looks better than real life. But real life doesn't look like that. In real life, colours are more subdued. Since the images have a plastic, glossy and artificial look, I won't get it. Not that I could afford $1399 plus a 12% tax plus environmental fee and then what to do with the TV I already have which works well? 

Monday, February 13, 2023

Better to have no friends at all than to have even one awful friendship let alone a bunch of awful friendships. Many friendships are burdens. Friendships with narcissists who are always gaslighting you and lying to you and friendships with takers is no friendship at all. Some friendships are clouded with verbal abuse. Better to have no friends at all. 

I'm thinking of quitting going to Church or else going seldom. I've been to Churches for years and haven't met any friends who I genuinely like in spite of myself and friends who I spend any time with. Compared to the sermons of Pastor Joel Osteen, the sermons of the local Churches are rather dry especially at the Anglican Church. At one time I only went once every three weeks. Going to Church seldom will bring about the Sunday vibes. Going every week will not. I'm not legally required to go to Church. One Church had me doing some volunteer work with the audio soundboard. That's just their attempt to coopt me into their culty cult. If I don't go, what would they do about it? If they fire me, I win because I didn't really want to do it to be in with. Besides its a volunteer job. One can quit or walk out of a volunteer job any time with no guilt. 

Even Heather is a month in month out set of monthly repetitive chores. If I quit the friendship and don't visit her anymore, she's not my legal responsibility. It's emotional blackmail me thinking if I don't visit her and help her that she will die. That's a stupid answer to a stupid question. Stupid answers are just as bad as stupid question. It's better to question an answer than to answer a question. 

Abby Philips: "Are you going to use this to rein in Mueller?" 

President Donald Trump: "That's a stupid question. I watch your show and you ask a lot of stupid questions."

I ask myself a lot of stupid questions and give myself stupid answers such as when I smoke pot I ask, "Are people planning to kill me?" Then I stupid answer, "I think they are."

Another stupid answer, "If I don't help Heather, she will die." That's stupid. Nurses look in on her at least once a day 7 days a week. I wonder if I'll cry if Heather ever dies. I've had a few girlfriends in the past who died and I didn't cry when I heard about their death. I always believed they were going to a dimension with a better set of physics. I always thought that life must have bothered them as much as anyone else and since they got it over with, dying and just walking away from life which is a hassle must be no small relief for them. Even if one doesn't go to heaven but just goes to limbo or purgatory, the set of physics are better just as leaving home is better than living with parents and going to school. At school there are rules and timetables to follow. Living with parents have a timetable to go to sleep every night and limits on what you could spend on with the money you had. At adulthood and leaving home and leaving school all those rules and timetables are gone. Eat what you like, go to sleep at any time you like. The afterlife is like that. The only thing is, purgatory will have people who are angry at you or give you weird looks and say snarky things to you, not all the time but occasionally and often enough. It's not heaven but it isn't hell either. In the afterlife you get to look in on and to visit the sleeping dreams of people you know who are still alive and in states of stress and handling strange portentous issues and burdens. That would compromise any heavenly experience of the afterlife. 

I hope that Heather lives a long life. But I also hope that me and her can one day part of mutually beneficial and amicable terms. I hope she can walk and be self independent or else she moves away to a place that is more of an assisted living facility for her. The only way I can part with Heather is to stop visiting her or else to move to another town. Every month I am always working for her, helping her with the things she can't do and with the things the nurses won't do. It's wearing me out. I don't even have the inspiration to do animated cartoons anymore. The cartoons do nothing for me anyways. It would be one thing if I got money for them. I don't have much of a view count but then my cartoons have very little dialogue. They're very amateur. And doing cartoons is very tedious and takes up memory on the tablet. 

Pastor Joyce Meyer said, "Some people say that they can't be happy unless they were married. Others say that they can't be happy because they are married."

Women. Can't live without them, can't live with them. Women are usually trouble of some kind. Bossy, narcissistic, takers, naggy, anyone of those things or else all of those things. 

Men are trouble to women too. A lot of women in this town are single and prefer to be. Men get women pregnant. In Game of Thrones House of the Dragon, one lady, Aemma Targaryen died of a scary medieval style Caesarean, another woman, Laena Velaryon had a uterine blockage and the baby just wouldn't emerge at all so she had a dragon's fire immolate her and Rhaenerys Targaryen gave birth to a stillborn child after a very intensely painful delivery. I'm surprised none of them yelled, "You bastard! You got me pregnant! Try squeezing a small watermelon out of a hole not much bigger than the size of your penis hole and see how you like it!" Any lady who watches House of the Dragon would think twice about getting pregnant. Game of Thrones House of the Dragon is like a Dr Google worst case scenario health anxiety inducing exposition when it comes to the topic of pregnancy. It's not worth it for any lady to get pregnant. Of course that's just my opinion. You are entitled to have your own opinion. 

I have erectile dysfunction and also sex anxiety which of course is one less reason to ever get married or even to have a girlfriend. Women can usually be counted on to be a hassle for me. One day I hope to be able to leave Heather but really hopefully not in any situation that involves her dying. I want her to be healthy and to love a long life but at the same time that we are able to go our separate ways in amicable terms. Heather has cause me anxiety. 

Strangely I've had no fear or anxiety for quite a few days now. No fear too or very little fear. Thank God for that. At one time, I thought I'd have that forever for life. I wonder what strange wondrous force took my anxiety away. I also haven't drank any caffeine for weeks. Caffeine must be either water soluble or fat soluble. In either case caffeine doesn't leave the body for weeks after the last time that any caffeine was drank. Caffeine will cause anxiety for some people. I am going to start drinking ginseng extract. Ginseng is a wrinkle remover. It restores penile potency and also other benefits to do with anxiety and the central nervous system. I don't care about the penile part but I do care about the anti anxiety benefits. 

Monday, February 13, 2023

Today I went to see Heather. I do love her. We went to a pizza restaurant. We had pizza and beer. Heather has an appointment tomorrow so today was our Valentines Day get together. 

In the afternoon I watched the Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent. Great movie. The actress Sharon Horgan who portrays Olivia in this movie looks a bit like Grace Lore, MLA. 

Tuesday, February 14, 2023

Downtown Victoria, Tuesday February 14, 2023. 

Today, I bought Heather a rose from a florist for Valentine's Day. We went to Bruger King. On the way back to her apartment, there was a crazy woman blocking the door. All the desk clerks and a few other tenants were there too. On the way out, she finally left taking the rug of the lobby with her and putting it on the street. As she left, she said, "Faggot!" I don't know if she was talking to me or the desk clerk that was running after her. It was an interesting Valentine's Day. The weather today is perfect. A bit cold but the sunlight is perfect. 

I will do cartoons again when I get inspired and if I had a vision and if I thought it made any difference. I don't have a lot of subscribers or comments. About half or more of the comments I ever got were snarky. If I was living in Kitsilano or near UBC, I'd do cartoons again. I'd even like to live in a nice place in the East side of Vancouver. I just have to get myself there. I wonder about my future. It would be difficult if not impossible to leave Heather. If for some reason Heather is ever out of my life, then I'll move back to Vancouver. 

Am embarrassment of riches. I first heard that phrase from Matt Lauer. Embarrassment of riches means someone who has more money than they know what to do with and have too many things like 5 expensive flashy sportscars and a few nice houses knowing they can only drive one car at a time and live in one nice house at a time. Some money is too much money. Someone won $750 million in a powerball lottery. At the rate of a million dollars every three months, it would take them about 185 years to spend all that money. If I had millions, I'd move to Vancouver and live in a nice place in Kitsilano and probably get a BMW, an 80s model BMW, refurbished and looking like new. That's all I'd want. I wouldn't own a house. Once you own one of those million dollar houses in Vancouver, the property tax on that is more money than a person gets on welfare every year. One would be paying twice. Once for the price of the house, or else monthly mortgage payment and the other for property taxes which is a kind of rent. The better way is just to rent a house from a landlord who would be responsible for the property tax. Owning a house is to be committed to a house. What if you get tired of it in less than ten years. If you rent a house, you can move to other houses once every few years.

Today I watched High Heat. Don Johnson is in the movie. The movie is about a couple who gets extorted from gangsters on opening night of their restaurant. But the wife has a secret identity and is more than a match for the gangsters. It is a great movie. Beautiful cinematography. 

Wednesday, February 15, 2023

Today I went to Shaw Cable and then to WalMart. It was a very smooth day. On either occasion, going to and returning from, I had to run for the bus so there was no waiting for the bus. At Shaw Cable and at the WalMart checkout, there was no one in front of me so I was right there. 

In the afternoon, I visited Heather. We went to the mall downtown and she went shopping. Me and Heather went to the food court in the downtown mall. I had sushi, she had poutine. 

At her apartment, she told me a story that made me laugh with tears running down my face. 

When I returned to my apartment, I watched Jackass part 2. It was funny but a bit offsetting. 

I smoked a tiny bit of weed. I didn't get nearly as paranoid. I whispered, "Spirit of the weed, I honor and respect you. Please let this weed guide me to be a better person." That should help with any paranoia. I don't know why I thought to say that. That's perhaps a Shamanic thing to say. 

I slept and had an afternoon nap about a room mate who adopted a baby leopard but it was growing and then stalking me. I escaped the apartment and somehow had a rifle and shot the leopard. The leopard fell out of the window of the apartment. A female RCMP Officer showed up to ask me about the leopard. That's the dream in a nutshell. 

I woke up from the afternoon nap afraid. I smoked weed again. Do I continue again and become so addicted that I don't know what a day of being sober is ever again like I have done in years previously? 

Or do I quit forever, or else only smoke once in a while, on the average once every few weeks, and even then, a little pinch, not a massive mega blast. I smoke a tiny little pinch, inhale for a second and then exhale quickly. Less is more. Before I used to have massive tokes and then hold my breath for about 30 seconds even  holding my nose. I was such a zoner then. 

Smoking tobacco, one is still sober every day. Just smoke moderately or less. Tobacco isn't psychoactive like marijuana  or a beer is. 

I make sure to remember to enjoy my days and my time with Heather. Days that seem so solid and permanent now have a way of becoming distant memories. The days and years can slip through the fingers. I must enjoy this town. I don't know that I'm going to move to another town one day. I also don't know that I won't. If I ever do, I know that I'll greatly miss these days that seem like no big deal now. If I ever move back to Vancouver, I know that one day, I'll miss this town.

"I was in such a hurry to get off the ranch. Then when we sold it, I missed it more than I ever would have thought possible." My American Cousin, 1985 movie

Although I don't see it now, one day I'll miss the life I have now. But my mind keeps telling me that this is my last and permanent chapter in my life. That this is how my story ends. I don't see my life getting better, it will either be more of the same or worse. I sometimes wonder about God's will. So many bad things happen to good people. Is that God's will? My mother died when I was really young. Is that also God's will? 

Today the Library was closed. A delinquent or else more than one delinquent threw two rocks making two holes and cracked glass of the front glass wall at the entrance of the Library. Delinquents. This town has quite a few of them. They should be locked up in a mental hospital. Overt egregious pernicious acts and vandalism of public property should either be treated with imprisonment or being committed to a mental hospital. 

Outrageous. There are video surveillance cameras there 24 hours a day. The Police have technologies and techniques they don't disclose. When a person touches something, they leave touch contact DNA. Hopefully whoever did this is beaten within an inch of their life. In Asia, you see little vandalism. The Police there are especially ruthless to miscreants and vandals to a degree that they are not here. As far as we know. The news doesn't cover everything. I would not want to be the one making the experiment of doing some vandalism and then finding out if they ever will or will not catch me. Not an experiment I would care to make. 

The Police operate on many levels. One level is undercover Police enforcers. For criminals and vandals, the Police are to be greatly feared. 

The boarded up Library. After the vandalism of delinquents. Pictures taken on Sunday, February 19, 2023

Thursday, February 16, 2023

Today started off badly. Really badly. I lost my Swatch watch. Swatch The Director's watch. I put my keys and my watch in the same wallet. When I pulled my keys out at the front door, the watch might have fallen out. But when I go to my room, I always take out my keys and my watch. I would have noticed it missing then so it might still be in my room. I went to the pawn store and ordered another one from Amazon. The date dial didn't work on my lost Swatch watch anyways. 

I went to Don Mee restaurant for the first time today. Right away when I entered the restaurant, I noticed the square pillars which reminded me of a dream of a Chinese restaurant that I had. Don Mee is such a iconic restaurant in this town that no stay in Victoria BC would be complete without visiting Don Mee restaurant. It was on my local bucket list. For 4 items the meal came to $51.00 including taxes and tip. Pricey. Next time just order two items. 

I hope I find my Swatch watch. I loved it. I had it for years and didn't lose it. It just takes one day. I might have left it at Heather's. I'll have to go check. We'll I got the old Swatch watch in 2010. It's time I get a new one anyways. The new Swatch watch I ordered is exactly the same as the old one. All black. 

I visited Heather. My watch wasn't there. 

Then this afternoon I found my Swatch watch! It was in my drawer. I got a full refund from the pawn store. That helps otherwise it would have been a $130 day. 

I went and visited Heather again and did her laundry for her. I did my laundry today too. 

I am going to order Anonymous the movie about Shakespeare on Amazon. Should I get it on blu ray or DVD? Blu ray is better. It is a question of whether Shakespeare wrote his plays. He spelled his name in dozens of different ways. The plays suggest an aristocratic upbringing and conditioning which Shakespeare didn't have since his father was a glove maker. And it also mentions trips to and time spent in Italy and Shakespeare couldn't afford to go to Italy. I can't afford to go to Italy too. Besides I have travel anxiety and can't go to Italy. I had a nervous breakdown two years ago and I believe that one never ever gets over a nervous breakdown or could I be wrong? It's like my friend saying, "It's like saying that you smoked a tobacco cigarette five years ago and you're still high from it." 

If I had a million dollars, even then I doubt that I'd go to Italy. I might go to England and Thailand. There's no places in the US that I really want to visit. Maybe Disneyland and the Star Wars exhibit. 

The Conjuring House is a place I am interested in but wouldn't ever want to visit. I have enough fear and anxiety as it is. It akes a special person to visit the Conjuring House. Police Officers and Heads of State wouldn't visit there but amateur and professional ghost hunters would visit there. 

What's wrong with me? On a lot of evenings, I wind up watching paranormal videos on YouTube. Conjuring House, Bellaire House, Vilisca House etc. Why do I do that? No wonder I have issues with fear. I want to see the smoking gun. I want to see an out of this world undeniable video of an actual ghost or shadow figure. Ghost Lab did a video of a group of ghosts in a field. These ghosts were soldiers of the Civil War. It was a color video too but the ghosts faded and disappeared right in the video whereas before they were vivid, more vivid than this life and the uniforms looked new. One day, since enough people are doing it, there will be a smoking gun ghost video. EVP machines and REM pods going off is good but not good enough. 

Craig McMahon does some really good spirit box videos. The answers are compelling but is it real or a hoax? So easy to hoax that. A person could be talking with a walkie talkie with whatever custom made and tailor made answers. 

Every day I end the day with paranormal videos and I wonder why I have fear issues. Perhaps I should end the day with Pastor Joel Osteen and Pastor Joyce Meyer videos. 

Friday, January 17, 2023

Today I went to the pawn store and ordered Anonymous the movie about Shakespeare on Blu Ray. Then I visited Heather. We went to City Hall grounds and then we went to Tim Hortons. 

In the afternoon, I walked to Craigdarroch Castle. On the way back I saw and then walked with my friend Barb. Nice to see Barb. 

I went home and had an afternoon nap. I then woke up and experienced fear. I worry about the future and then wonder how I'm going to find the strength and sanity to live the rest of my life. So many decisions. I feel slight anxiety about eating my next meal. Then I fear what happens after death. The afterlife will be a messed up overwhelming situation or else no less messed up and overwhelming than life. I hope there is a God otherwise I'm in trouble. 

I've been forgetting all my dreams over the last couple of days. I want to forget them. Dreams are crazy. 

I still feel a bit of fear. The future doesn't look good. 

Today I watched The Old Way. It's a Western movie starring Nicholas Cage. 

The ending was kind of sad. Not the ending I expected. The movie was mostly plot development and talking heads. The action scenes were typical and not spectacular. 

Saturday, February 18, 2023

On YouTube, I discovered bassist Julia Hofer from the channel Thomann's Guitars & Basses. She is mega talented. On a scale of 1 to 10, she's a 100 in terms of talent. She plays the bassline of songs from Brothers Johnson, Michael Jackson, Earth Wind and Fire and Stevie Wonder. She has her own channel too. She even uses the actual Stingray model of bass guitar especially made for slapping that Louis Johnson himself had and used in a bass tutorial video on YouTube. 

Boogie Cindy is a really great bassist as well. On YouTube. The video I saw was of her doing the bass line of the Brothers Johnson song Stomp. 

Boodie Cindy kind of looks like Suzie but I have a real Baader Meinhof phenomenon with Suzie. I see her everywhere. 

Suzie has a certain feminine sarcastic fake smile which I seen her show once and now see everywhere. Janet McTeer as Lillian in the movie The Menu has that smile through her role in the movie. 

Just the same, I don't plan on seeing Suzie ever again. She has broken my heart too many times. I feel freedom when I don't see her. 

I'd rather be dead than to have that kind of friendship with Suzie ever again. As God as my witness. 

I haven't seen Suzie in over 5 months and it feels good. I don't miss her one bit. With any luck I'll never see her ever again. Whether or not she retires there goes five months that I didn't see her and that time will not ever be gotten back. Good. I'm not legally required to see her anyways. One of these years Suzie will retire from that place and that greatly increases the chances that I'll never see her again. She's getting on in years as we all are. 

I regret all those times I spent with her because it was a waste of time. Time that I'll never get back. I'm already starting to forget about her consciously and subconsciously. Any details about her are starting to get hazy. 

There's a female panhandler that I have been avoiding. She's such a mooch. I make it a point not to walk past the spot where she panhandles. She's a junkie. If I don't see her one day I'll assume that she died of an overdose. Oh well. It's not like I killed her. If a junkie dies it's a win win situation. It's a win for society as a lot of junkies commit property crime to fund their habit and its a win for them as presumably they are in a better place or else in a place more or less as bad but with a much better set of physics, one where they don't have to eat or sleep or ever get too hot or too cold, a place where they are perpetually young and pain free and with a set of physics that allows them to fly and to teleport. 

One time I saw her on the bus. She walked past me and didn't say hi. I didn't say hi to her either. She got off the bus at the liquor store. Figures. Drunken lush. 

Some people and places are better avoided. There are people and places I have avoided for 20 years and it sure feels good. I don't miss those people or places one bit. Anger can be a good thing. Jesus himself got angry at the money changers that sold animals for sacrifice at the temple. 

Every day is a blank slate of repetitive boredom. The Library is open again today. But the large glass pane that had been vandalized are replaced with unsightly wooden boards. Damn those delinquent vandals. I hope that karma catches up with them but I'm not sure about that. After decades of living, I've seen bad people who get no punishment and good people who get no reward. 

I walked around today and went to the mall. Then I returned home for the rest of the day. My life is either to voluntarily work for Heather who is currently in a wheelchair and that is kind of energy draining. Or else be bored all day to walk to the same places over and over again. 

"If all the year was a playing holidays to sport would be as tedious as to toil." William Shakespeare 

I worry that my future will be boring if nothing else. Any year has a few exciting moments in an ocean of boredom. 

Pastor Joel Osteen said that God lifts some up and casts others down. For some God has these sovereign moments on the schedule for them. It doesn't matter what mistakes they made or what they know or think or what their opinions are, God's sovereign will is going to take over and these people will be swept into promotion, a new venture, a next chapter etc that will be beyond their wildest dreams. This is for those who have faith through the hard times and who remember to thank God even though it seems that all is lost. 

Hopefully this is a reality rather than an ideal. Hopefully God chooses to bless me. 

Pastor Joel is blessed and rich but he disclosed that he had some very difficult times in his life. His father John died when he was 26, his mother Dodie had stage 4 cancer at one point but miraculously made a full recovery. One of his younger sisters, Lisa Comes* Osteen, had cerebral palsy and if that wasn't enough, she narrowly survived opening a package that turned out to be a letter bomb. No one would want to go through any of that. 

*Comes is pronounced coe-mez, not cums. 

Pastor Joel Osteen will be 60 years old next month. I would imagine that turning 60 is as scary as hell. Sigmund Freud said that after age 60, the preoccupying thought of anyone is death. I'm scared to turn 60. After age 60, there is a 50% chance that they won't make it to 70. At 70, it's as Jar Jar Binks said, "It's crunch time." as at 70, there is nearly a 100% chance that they won't make it to 80 and even if they do, is there a reward after that? No at 80 one looks worse and their body is worse then they ever were at 70 and 70 is bad enough. Life is a dreaded algorithm which saves the worst for last. 

"To have never been born may be the greatest boon of all." Sophocles

These things can be medically quantified. After a doctors exam, President Joe Biden was certified fit enough to be able to live another 4 years as a US President. At an age when most people have long since retired, President Joe Biden is trying to do, that is if he gets re-elected, one of the most intense and overwhelming  jobs on the planet. He must be a Superhuman in terms of lack of health anxiety or even any kind of anxiety at all. He is like a Marvel Superhero in this respect. 

Sunday, February 19, 2023

This morning, at 9:30 am, I went to take pictures of the Library after the vandalism. The result, an unsightly boarded up Library. I hope that the city is able to exact a vengeance on these egregious pernicious delinquents. Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord. 

The movie Nightmare Alley depicts that the middle class and upper class is far more dangerous for the poor class although the poor class is known for chaos. To vandalize the Library is an attack on the middle and upper classes. The revenge of the middle class is more streamlined and far more terrifying. 

I woke up this morning overthinking. There is no one to be trusted and everyone eventually will get on your nerves. Those above wish to push you down, those below you will want to pull you down. 

"People don't always say what they think. They just see to it that you don't advance... in life." Anthony Hopkins, Hannibal

I myself can't even trust myself. My own weird habits like the weird porn I look at and my own idiosyncrasies like smoking tobacco and sometimes weed, I push and pull myself down. Who needs the upper and the poor classes to keep me down like crabs in a bucket? I am my own crab in a bucket. 

I woke up watching the News and felt better. There is a lot of good in the World and there are lots of good people. The News has stories that are shocking but the News stories of a few years ago were shocking in their time. I try to think of the News as displaying worries that will go away. Once these issues fall under the light of the News, these worrying stories will go away. 

There are cases when the rich will pull you up and the poor will push you up. A talented musical group gets signed on with a record company executive and a manager books gigs for them, that's an example of the rich pulling you up. The poor get records and go to the concerts, that's an example of the poor pushing you up. 

My cartoons are a color by number line drawing. That's 70s and before style of animation. Now they use 3D graphic animation like Blender. That's an AI computer driven animation and the learning curve is very steep to learn that. I think it takes 6 months of learning to master Blender. Anime uses line drawing but anime is very rich and very skillful and is a few levels above my style of animation. My animation is kind of lazy. A lot of copying and pasting. I thought my cartoons would be my vector to fame and fortune. I might have an underground following but I haven't gotten rich from my cartoon animation. Getting rich would have been nice a few years ago but now I have anxiety and the thought of getting very rich gives me anxiety. A lot of money would be no good to me now. Who ever heard of a Chinese and or Canadian person having anxiety about getting rich? That's me! 

I have lots of anxieties, food anxiety, travel anxiety, money anxiety and sex anxiety. Hopefully this is a stage I'm going through and I'll come back with a vengeance one day. Or else this anxiety is a lifelong thing and thus I'll be fucked for life. I wonder if God can or will help me. Who knows? Whatever the will of God is, it shall be. My life is under the will of God. 

This afternoon I took more pictures of the Library to provide a more comprehensive view. As you can see I have OCD and anxiety when it comes to taking pictures. People with OCD ans anxiety are the best photographers. Stanley Kubrick had that. That's why he did at least 57 takes of each scene.

I went back to take some more supplemental pictures. I have mental problems. Otherwise why so many pictures. I think I'm crazy. Mel Gibson was a crazy cop in Lethal Weapon but he was also one of the best Officers on the Force.

I went to the Presbyterian Church this morning. It was very good. I had a good time. In the afternoon, I visited Heather. 

I watched The Last of Us episode 6. A really good episode. I thought Joel died but reading online, he didn't die but does die later on as he gets killed by a firefly. But that's based on video game canon and they did change a lot of things between the video game and the show already so Joel might not ever die. Pedro Pascal is a major star and a draw of the show and his presence is there for ratings and for the show to make money. There is a different dynamic between a video game and a show so who knows. 

There are YouTube videos: 'Differences Between The Last of Us Video Game and TV Show'.

Monday, February 20, 2023

Woke up worried and thinking that my life is a mess. Totally forgot last night's dream. Watching Pastor Joel Osteen on YouTube. A Healthy Soul. One of his great sermons. Actually all sermons of Pastor Joel Osteen is great. 

I visited Heather today for Family Day. Heather and I went to the mall. 

I watched the movie No Sudden Moves. It's a good riveting movie about gangsters in 1954 trying to get secret plans to build catalytic converters in automobiles. The video has a strange resonance to all the stories on the News about catalytic converter thefts. 

The smoking gun of ghost videos. This showed up in my YouTube recommendations. The channel Fearsome Top 5 in the one video on their channel I seen so far has the most compelling ghost and poltergeist videos. And they have a lot of videos on their channel. It seems amateurs capture better videos than teams of professional ghost hunters doing overnight ghost hunts. These smoking gun ghost videos I seen on this channel are life changing. People using TikTok also capture some of the best ghost videos. Hopefully these videos aren't fake. But it doesn't seem to be. 

There are all kinds of high definition videos on YouTube about amateurs getting videos of aliens and UFOs and also angels. These are videos done in the last couple of years with 4K high definition phone cameras etc. These are amateurs who have no fame or money so there's no motive for them to fake videos. 

Tuesday, February 21, 2023

All religions are cults. Even the National religion is a Nationally sanctioned cult. A cult is a group of people who follow a weird set of beliefs and rules. A cult is an entity that will try to coopt as many people as they can into their weird spinny shit. The two aims of any cult is to coopt people and to make money. And people join religions aka cults out of some misguided natural instinct to socialize. 

There is a God but any descriptions of God fits a human friendly narrative. There are 5 kingdoms in biology. Animal, plant, fungus, protozoa and monera. Humans are anthropocentric. There are more insects in terms of population then humans and if you were to weigh all the insects in the world, they would weigh more than all humans in the world. Same with plants. There is more protozoa in one human body than there is humans in the world. The human body is 7 billion, there are over 100 billion protozoa in a person's gut biome in the form of probiotic gut bacteria. The world's largest organism is a mushroom 4 miles square in Oregon. 

Mushrooms have no gender neither do things like hydras. 

To always refer to God as He or Him coopts God into a human friendly  descriptive narrative. He? What, does God have a penis and needs to urinate and what about to shoot sperm? I guess he did that to the Virgin Mary which was what led to the birth of Jesus. But God only did that once. Use it or lose it or what? 

As if God is anthropomorphic. As a Supreme entity, God transcends biology yet whose essence forms the basis of consciousness and sentience of all biology in the Universe. 

Religions and or cults are bullshit. Just life itself is bullshit. 

Two questions I have about God. How can God hear the prayers of millions if not billions of people simultaneously at any given time especially on Sundays. And created and surrounds the Universe which is the premise anyways. If the Universe is 93 billion light years wide and assuming that the Universe is more or less a sphere, and that the area of a sphere is A equals 4 x pi x radius squared, the Universe is 27 trillion cubic light years in area. Wouldn't God hearing and attending to the prayers of humans be extreme micromanagement to say the least? 

I have a problem with that. The big bang happened 13.8 billion years ago. Since after an explosion, things width wise go in two directions from the center forming a circumference, and light travels at the speed of light, shouldn't the Universe be 27.6 = 13.8 x 2 billion light years wide and not 93 billion light years wide? Oh, whatever! 

Religion is a cult and is a part of life and I will be glad when my life ends and I get this whole thing over with. 

"Do you know what I love? I love it when people you thought were long gone come in at the end of this great novel called life and the answers to all the pieces are filled right in?" 

Matt Damon, No Sudden Moves 

- or words to that effect. 

 

The other day Heather mentioned something about being two faced. Perhaps I'm two faced. On the one hand I do love Heather. But on the other hand, she drains my energy so much I can't do animated cartoons anymore. Not that doing animated cartoons ever did anything for me. It was casting pearls before the swine that is the humans species. 

I hope that my association with her ends one day. All things end, that is a law of nature, even the most best friendships you never want to end let alone ones that you feel ambiguous about. Heather uplifts me but also causes me anxiety. 

Most women will drain a man's energy if she can. And I suppose vice versa. The Human species and indeed life itself is a defective algorithm leaving much to be desired. I wish I was never born at all. 

Pastor Joyce Meyer said, "Some people tell me that they can't be happy unless they get married while others tell me that they can't be happy because they are married."

"This marriage has been the making of me."

"The ruin of you!" 

Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol 

"You don't respect women. Do you respect your mother?"  

-"I'd respect her a lot more if she had never given me birth or else aborted me. I never asked to be born."  

"You did. You had a soul contract before you were born."  

-"Typical new age culty money making racket bullshit. Where's the empirical evidence of that? Where's the proof?"  

"You forgot that you made a soul contract before you were born."  

-"More wacky culty bullshit." 

The human species is a defective algorithm. Weird governments, weird religions, weird cultures weird languages. All of it weird. 

The Canadian government is weird. For example the Canadian government decided to delay euthanasia or MAID for the mentally ill from March 17, 2023 to March 17, 2024. How anal. Right on the exact date. Does life even work like that? 

What can you expect? 

Governments are the same entities who would refer to a vaccine card as a vaccine passport. 

Governments are the same entity that would refer to 5 criminal drug dealing people as a cartel when a cartel is a Nationwide wholesaler and when a street gang is retail and the drug lab is a producer. 

Governments are the same entity that made three strikes you're out as if life is a baseball game. 

Brexit was a result of a series of delays until Britain crashed out of the EU with a no deal Brexit. 

Similarly, the delay will result in the Canadian government implementing MAID for the mentally ill will no clear framework or standard. On CBC The National a psychiatrist said that one in twenty of those mentally ill will for sure be better in five or ten years. They just don't know which one of the twenty. In giving them MAID, you are denying them that chance. 

Mental illness is subjective. How can you apply any kind of objective criteria of standards for a subjective phenomenon? Typical vacuous vapid airhead government policy. 

Typical airhead sleazy opportunistic incompetent airhead entity that government is known to be. 

When I smoke pot, I think that people are planning to kill me. Pastor Joyce Meyer said in her video Life The Life Of Your Dreams that statistically 10% of the people in your life won't like you whatever you do. 

In this video Joyce Meyer also said to not just read the Bible but to study it. Is that really the best idea? 

Years ago at the Vancouver Public Library there was a a pamphlet from the Organization against Religions that listed all the weird things about the Bible. aka The Word of God. 

- Genesis 2: 5-6 There was no rain before Noah's time. All plants were watered from water coming out of the ground. 

- God wrestled with Jacob. 

-  1 Samuel 18:27 A pile of foreskin. God demanded 200 foreskin as payment. 

- People dancing naked around a golden calf. 

- A talking donkey. 

- God turned someone into a pillar of salt. 

- One of Jesus disciples got crucified upside down. 

- God made a flood and everyone drowned. 

- Offspring from incestuous relationships. 

-  Genesis 19: 30-38 Lot's daughters get him drunk and get impregnated by him. 

- King David who was already married got it on with another married woman named Bathsheba and had that married woman's husband killed. And King David was one of God's favorites. This is where the name Bathsheba from The Conjuring comes from. 

- Cain had a wife yet the only other people alive at the time were his parents Adam and Eve. 

- Noah had 3 sons when he was 500 years old. 

- Genesis 6: 11-13 God kills all humans to make the world a less violent place. 

- Judges 1:19 God can't defeat iron chariots. What about modern cars? 

- God decides to kill Moses because his son wasn't circumsized. 

- Deutronomy 23:1 Men with a cut off penis and or damaged testicle aren't permitted into Church. A doctor would say, "If everyone who has ever had any issues with their genitals wasn't allowed into Church, there would be hardly anyone there."

- 1 Samuel 5: 6-12 God smites the people of Ashdod with hemorrhoids

- 1 Samuel 6: 4-5 God demands 5 golden hemorrhoids as an offering. 

- God makes Ezekiel lie down on his left side for 390 days and then to lie down on his right side for 40 days. 

- 2 Kings 2: 23-24 God sends two bears to rip up 42 children for making fun of Elisha's bald head. 

- Ahaziah is 2 years older than his father. 

- 2 Kings 1: 9-12 Elijah shows that he is a man of God by calling down fire from heaven to  burn 102 men to death. 

- Acts 20: 7-9 Eutychus fell asleep while hearing Paul preach and fell three storeys to his death. Paul brought him back to life! 

Etc etc etc. So many weird things. 

I wound up giving this pamphlet to a Buddhist Priest who, when I asked for it back, refused to return it. I suppose you could look on the internet and search for weird things in the Bible. 

"I'm supposed to put my hand on the King James Bible? I'd rather put my hand on the Rick James Bible." Bill Maher, Religulous 

About the Bible, Bill Maher also said in Religulous, "Can you think of anything else that we still cleave to from the Bronze Age?" 

In spite of this, I am still a Christian because Nature hates a vacuum. 

People like for eg my Christian cousin Tom who say that a person should study the Bible are also the same people who skip over certain segments and passages such as the ones listed above. So we are supposed to then selectively cherry pick the passages we like and to gloss over the passages that are inconvenient like a cafeteria Catholic, which proves a point exactly that religion is a cult. 

Heather, my girlfriend, often has flights of fancy. Last Saturday, she told me a story from her imagination. This story is epic. 

She said that her soon to be evicted neighbor is weird, into necrophilia and has weird noisy friends. These friends wear all kinds of different wigs and disguises from a place that gives out wigs and costumes to ex criminals and people who are financially challenged. She said that her neighbor took a child from preschool and then slit the child's throat in a bath tub. She said that her neighbor shows videos that he recorded to his victims about him tormenting them and showing these videos to his victims over and over again and these are creepy videos. 

And she couldn't believe that this place would keep on giving them wigs and costumes! 

Last week, CHEK News broadcast a story about a guy who was released on day parole somewhere on Vancouver Island. The News showed a picture of this guy from a few years ago. This guy met a 21 year old Native lady. He punched and broke her jaw. He then dragged her naked body tied to a chain to his truck for miles driving down the road. He then burned her dead body.

The News said he had control issues and didn't like her saying "No" to him repeatedly. The News refused to say where on Vancouver Island he is released from. But the News did provide enough clues for people to piece together. Often criminals are more in danger on the streets than they are in prison. A lot of people especially Natives will want a piece of this guy. The News also said that he was deemed a high risk to reoffend. I hope someone kills this guy. Good riddance to bad garbage. 

There is no three strikes you're out in Canada otherwise tent city people who steal bikes and run chopshops and also especially violent offenders would be imprisoned for life with no parole. But Canada does have euthanization for the mental ill that the United States does not. 

I think that the News tacitly said, this guy is out there and these are the details of what he did and more or less what he looks like so anyone out there who wants to take a shot at this guy. I hope that he gets gunned down. Street vigilante justice. 

Today I went to the Library then I went to a Chinese restaurant for chow mein, take out. Then I went to the beach. 

Walking back from the beach I saw a white lifesavers mint candy on the road. I walked past and then went back to pick it up off the road. I saw a BMW driving towards me but the kindly old man in the BMW waved me to get the white lifesaver. He was with his wife. As he drive away, he smiled and waved back. I hope it's an omen that I could get a BMW when I'm old. 

And on the way back, I walked back the way of the Library and I saw my friend Barbie at the Library. Walking back even more, I passed a local News reporter interviewing someone. I saw the News at 6 pm and I was filmed walking past! 

This afternoon, I saw the movie The Box starring Cameron Diaz. It's an 80s Twilight Zone episode that starred Midnight Express star and later AIDS victim Brad Davis. Richard Matheson wrote the original story called Button Button. It was a good movie. I hope that Cameron Diaz does more movies. She's a great actress. She is one of the most loved actresses in the World. 

Today I watched The Whale starring Brendan Fraser on Miixy which is the best movie app. It wasn't at all what I expected. It would seem that Brendan Fraser's character Charlie is queer or at least bisexual. Why he would give up such a shapely dish as his wife portrayed by Samantha Morton for a man is beyond me. The ending was sad but also very beautiful. Brendan Fraser looked a lot younger when he was RCMP Officer Dudley Do-Right. Brendan Fraser has morphed over the years, he became fat either through genes or rich food eaten with the money he got for acting. He looked a lot different a few years ago. 

Last night I saw the movie All My Friends Hate Me. It's a movie from the UK about a man who has a birthday party held for him at a posh mansion. All throughout his birthday celebration, his friends keep roasting him and pranking him and joking around with him. Towards the end of the movie, his friends admit that they were joking the whole time. However there is a saying that all jokes contain a germ of the truth. 

Wednesday, February 22, 2023

Just after midnight, the Police visited my neighbor. The Police told him that his brother had died of a drug overdose. Then my neighbor knocks and then tells me about his brothers death. I don't know why he told me about it. I didn't really need to know that. I met his brother years ago once when he visited my neighbor. It was a brief visit. 

Today I stopped at the Catholic Church briefly to make a small offering.

Catholics have a very powerful tradition of magic and miracles and healing. I believe in the power of the mysticism of the Catholic Church. Whoever donates to them will be blessed. I'm superstitious that way. 

Then I visited Heather. I went with her to the hair salon then we went to Tim Hortons. I saw my friend Becks while I was walking down the street. Becks is a tall sweet blonde lady. I'd like to give Becks a kiss one day. But how that is possible for someone who has sexual anxiety and is not the man he used to be is something else. Like Joel in The Last of Us, I'm not the man I used to be. Fear and anxiety rules the day for me although it is not nearly as bad as it was a year or two ago. 

My sexual anxiety makes me wonder how I'll live the rest of my life and that my life as such isn't worth living and I often think that I'd simply be better off dead. 

I got recommended* two post Apocalyptic TV shows. Station Eleven which is about survivors of a global pandemic and also The Leftovers which posits a World where 2% of the people suddenly disappeared. At 8 billion people, 2% is 160 million people which is half the population of the United States or else 5 times the population of Canada.

*Why Apocalypse Stories Feel Different Now. Like Stories Of Old. YouTube 

The Brothers Johnson song Funk It - Funkadelala is a great song. The bridge in that song is very sweet. The Brothers Johnson songs are a part of the soundtrack of heaven. I recommend it. 

I just reflected that one of the two Johnson Brothers, bassist Louis Johnson is dead. Also my neighbor's brother is dead from a drug overdose. He and his brother were two brothers and the only children of his mother. 

Making two and a half grams of drugs legal is supposed to destigmatize drugs and to stop discouraging junkies from calling 911 when they themselves or their friend is overdosing to create a safer drug using environment in general. It actually is like pouring gasoline on a fire. It makes junkies dies faster as it enables their drug use. As far as I imagine, and don't quote me on this, cocaine is $100 a gram down from $300 a gram in the 80s. Heroine is $300 a gram and crystal meth is $500 a gram and fentanyl is $100 a gram. Two and a half grams of cocaine is $250. Heroin - $750. Meth - $1250 and fentanyl - $250. The lethal dosage of cocaine is 2 grams. Heroin 0.8 gram, meth - I don't know. Fentanyl - 0.01 gram. Ergo 2 and a half grams of these drugs done all at once or even over the course of a few hours is enough to kill. Yeah, the government wants to kill them faster. Junkies have a despicable habit that involves subcutaneous self mutilation with a needle resulting in lots of bleeding and often junkies will steal to supply their fix. 

Yet some junkies are responsible people who you'd never suspect to be a junkie such as airline stewardesses who shoot heroin between their toes. 

I spent this evening worrying about Becks. Se is a sweet and beautiful lady but she is also a meth user and panhandler. I sometimes give her $5. I am worried that if I give her $5 too many times or ask her for a kiss and she kisses me, then she will see me as a mark and always stalk me and ask me for money. She's usually mellow and low key and it is just my imagination. Most of the things we worry about never happen. The name Becks or Becky reminds me of Beckley Manor. My dream is to live there one day and to have a window with a view of the beach. It's an impossible dream. 

Thursday, February 23, 2023

Today I went to the James Bay Inn and had a chick burger with salad. I then went to the beach. Nice day. I then went to Thrifty Foods. I got a kale and orange drink also raw tuna in Sriracha sauce and a can of salmon on sale for $4.50. I returned to my apartment and am listening to Frank Gambale - New Boots on YouTube. That song is the perfect heavenly complement to this day.

I am getting to like this town as much as I like Vancouver. James Bay in Victoria BC is just as heavenly as Kitsilano and UBC in Vancouver. 

 

I am going to finish watching All Quiet On The Western Front on Miixy. Miixy is the best movie app. Runs very smooth, no freezing or skipping. Miixy has no TV shows. Zeus has TV shows. Zeus is smoother than Cetus but still has the occasional momentary freezing. Fear and anxiety helps a person to get more involved in watching movies like All Quiet On The Western Front. Lean into your fear and anxiety. It's trying to teach you something. 

Last night I watched a movie called Choose Or Die. It's a cheesy horror movie about a spinoff of an 80s video game called Zork. I watched it to the end, it was intriguing enough. But the movie was just awful. The acting was good but the story itself was just atrocious. Even the great acting of the actors couldn't salvage the horrible story. 

"Happiness is not a place, it's a destination."

Friday, February 24, 2023

My life will never get better. It will always be more of the same. 

Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing. If life hasn't given me a fair shake, why should I give life a fair shake? 

If the passage of time is an illusion, as Einstein said, then time travel is an illusion and even eternity is an illusion too. That means that existence and life is an illusion. Illusion is another word for lie. So why even bother with existence? 

My neighbors junkie brother died of an overdose. He could not stop for death so death kindly stopped for him. 

I don't see myself ever getting married or living in a nice place. It will probably be rooming houses for me for life. My father and only brother had their mother live through most of their lives and they each got married. My mother died when I was an infant and I never got married. 

It's all a backwater. Backwater town on a backwater planet in a backwater Universe born of a backwater God. Even the devil is a backwater devil. Backwater means substandard, defective, frayed at the edges and leaving much to desire. Backwater life. 

MAID - medical assistance in dying. 

Today I went to the James Bay Inn and then I went to the beach. This afternoon I went to the Library and saw some pretty librarians. What use is it? Those librarians live better lives than I do. They're making more money than me and staying in nice places. This is another reason that I want to just give up on life. Why even bother living? Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing. I'm not legally required to go on living and the new MAID laws that are soon coming into effect legally underscore that. The value of life is finite because the nature of life is finite. 

A YouTuber named Zeke Hoskin got his leg amputated after a devastating motorcycle accident that happened when he was young. Life has dealt him a real scrappy hand yet he is very upbeat and chipper and he got married as well. It's baffling that he could be so upbeat even though life has been awful to him. I hate the forces of life sometimes. 

Today I went to the Library and one of my favorite librarians was working at the desk. Just when I was about to approach, a delinquent guy who just walked in the library went to her and I knew seeing his garbage bag and backpack that he was going to be trouble and take a long time talking with her. I even said to her, "I wanted you to sign out my books but then that guy jumped in front of me. Life had to do that. It just had to." She said, "I could sign out your DVDs next time in the future." Often life just has to throw a monkey wrench into my life for no reason. That is why I sometimes hate life with all my heart and all my soul. That guy wasn't asking for a regular signing of books or DVDs. He was asking for some weird extraordinary protracted thing that was going to take the librarian a long time to get. Damn the forces of life. Why couldn't life be decent to me and just have killed me years ago? Life is often just insufferable and I'd just as soon not live it if that were possible. Why doesn't God just do me a favor and end my life? I'm almost 53 years old. Even Jesus didn't bother to live to 52 years old. He got crucified at age 33 but why did he get crucified at age 33 and not at age 50 or 60? That he got crucified at 33 and not at 60 is merely circumstantial and incidental. 33 is a Freemason number but Jesus wasn't a Freemason as Freemasonry was founded in 1766 by Adam Weishaupt. Jesus got crucified at age 33 and not at age 60 because even Jesus himself couldn't be bothered to live such a long time as life is just so dammed insufferable and damnably wretched and he knew it. He wanted to get life over with as soon as possible and I couldn't blame him. Seeing how my life turned out, I wish I died at age 33. It would have been a weird and edgy day but it soon enough would have been gotten over with. 

Life is a defective algorithm and some lives are more defective than others.  

Nobody reads my blog anyways so nobody knows what I think. 

"Why don't we do it in the road? No one will be watching us, so why don't we do it in the road?" John Lennon

John Lennon was saying that in this age of Worldwide telecommunications, often, even if you publish something in a magazine with worldwide circulation or even on a blog that's available worldwide, not a lot of people will see it or pay attention to it anyways. So no one reads my blog. Probably not even God would read my blog. 

If there can be a nervous breakdown, there must be an opposite to a nervous breakdown. What would it be? Nervous regeneration, nervous recuperation, nervous convalescence? 

Three choices and none of it makes sense. 

1. It is all under God's will. All that happens. If that's so, was my mother dying and me never getting married a part of God's will? Was my friend Zeke losing his leg also a part of God's will? Remember the God of the old testament who killed just about everyone on Earth to make the World a less violent place and this is the same God who at one time demanded 200 foreskins and 5 golden hemorrhoids as payment. Why should I live and serve under such an unctuous God? I'd be better off dead and giving up in life altogether. 

2. Some of it is under God's will and some of it is not. So God cherry picks and selects who he gets involved with. A God of arbitrary whim is also not a God who I want to be under the duress of. 

3. None of it is under God's will. Why even bother believing. Why even bother living? 

Spoliers. Today I watched the movie Me Before You. It's about a businessman named Will from a very rich family who becomes a quadriplegic after a chance accident. His caregiver is Daenaryus Targaryen, Emilia Clarke and her name is Clark in the movie. He decides to give up on life as he applied to DIGNITAS in Switzerland. He finally gets euthanized as he decided that life as a quadriplegic is no life that is worth living. I don't blame him. If life isn't doing it for him, why should he do it for life? The movie is an example of how a person gets back at the damned wretched defective forces of life and wins. Final result, Will - 1, Life - 0. 

If life is working out for you, if you are successful and rich and married you should go on living. If not, then the choice is up to you. Either way, no one can blame you. My life should be lived on my terms or not at all. I give out a certain kind of energy and life returns that with another and worse kind of energy time and time again. Damn the forces of life. I would give up on life as it seems that life has given up on me. What would my dead mother say? She might say, "Now I'm in the catbird's seat in the afterlife replete with a better set of physics which includes not having to eat or sleep, always being young and pain free and disease free and having the ability to teleport."

Schrodiger's Cat Murphy's Law. When you leave a party, of course people say," You shouldn't have left. The party would have picked up for you if you stayed." But if you were to stay, it would have stayed the same old boring hopeless party. 

If a person kills themself or dies young, people would say, "That person shouldn't have died. That person had so much potential and a bright future." Had that person lived, their life would have turned out to be boring and depressing. 

People would have said that I should have lived and that my life had so much potential and that I had a bright future. But I did live and lived out my life to see that it all fell to shit. Living in one rooming house after another with no hope of wealth or marriage in the future. 

Not that marriage would help. Joyce Meyer said, "People have told me that they can't be happy unless they are married while others told me that they can't be happy because they are married.

God deemed Lot, a man who impregnated multiple of his daughters one of the chosen ones. 

Saturday, February 25, 2023

I visited Heather. We went to the mall. Someone in her apartment building was selling a television and I went to her room to look at the television. I was thinking of getting the television for Heather but Heather absolutely did not want it. 

I went to the Library and borrowed a few movies. I watched Moonfall which is pure fiction. So much for the saying that Hollywood is 100% real. The movie Moonfall mentioned the Roshe limit which is how close the moon can get to Earth until it all starts to fall apart and in a very very bad way. Think global catastrophe, massive 10 storey tidal waves and the end of all life on Earth. 

As it is, the moon is every year moving 1 and a half inches away from the Earth through centrifugal force. Which is an odd statemtn since according to physics centrifugal force doesn't exist, its dependant on certain factors sometimes it exists and sometimes it doesn't. And satellites move around planets due to centripetal force. 

In my aprroximately 50 years of life, the moon has moved away 75 inches or at least 6 feet away from the Earth. One day, the moon will have moved so far away that it will have no tidal influence and without tides, basically all life on Earth will be scuppered. Is it then really a good idea to continue the human species? What kind of life would they live? It seems that all life on Earth has a shelf life. Should I be worried about the moon slowly moving away from the Earth? 

In 1,000 years, humans will reach Kardashev 2. At that level, humans will come up with technology to move the moon back and then make the moon stay at a constant distance from the Earth. As it is, NASA is already able to knock out asteroids that are coming too close to the Earth. Perhaps use a very strong wire, the wire would have to be 30 earth lengths long because that is how far away the moon is from the Earth and tether the wire to a winch on the Earth and then reel the moon in closer, maybe about half a mile should do it. 

"What is it you want Mary? What do you want? You want the moon? Just say the word and I'll throw a lasso around it and pull it down" It's A Wonderful Life 

As the moon moves away from the Earth, days will get slowly longer. The moon keeps the Earth at a 23 and a half degree tilt. Without the moon the Earth would wobble causing extremely unstable seasons and could mean the end of all life on Earth. Moon fall is about the moon moving closer to the Earth when the reality is that it's the moon moving farther away from the Earth that we have to worry about. Thus the movie Moonfall is actually a hidden allegory. 

Our sun won't go into supernova in 5 billion years as only main sequence stars go into supernova which our sun is not. 

And then I watched Beast which is about a rogue male lion. A couple of months ago, all movies at a local movie theatre were $3 admission just on that one day. Beast was one of the movies showing. I had extreme debilitating anxiety and so didn't go to the movies even for a $3 admission. 

I spent the rest of the day somewhat worrying about the future. What else is new? And then I remembered that about 1% of our worries actually happen and that the mind is always imagining things about the future and for some people, the tendency is negative things. Some people are very good at imagining a positive future. 

Sunday, February 26, 2023

I went to the Pres. Church this morning. I saw a few friends there. As usual these days, I worked the microphone soundboard. 

Yesterday Neil Young and his wife Daryl Hannah was at the Legislative Building as part of an environmental protest. I didn't know Daryl Hannah and Neil Young was there. Daryl Hannah was Pris in Blade Runner and she was in Kill Bill. She's a major star. I would have liked to have seen her in person. And Neil Young is a legendary rock star. How was I supposed to know that they'd be there?! I missed it. But every month in Victoria unannounced, quite a few celebrities are here and there. 

At 651 East Hastings and 247 West Broadway in Vancouver are next level dispensaries which has coca leaf, coca leaf beverages, DMT, LSD, kratom, peyote and psilocybin mushrooms. 

Peyote is a small cactus known as a peyote button. Mescaline is derived from peyote. Carlos Castenada's book Don Juan A Yaqui Way of Knowledge is all about peyote and mescaline based shamanism. 

DMT is derived from a necessary combination of MAOI or mono amine oxidase inhibitor plants and DMT or dimethyltryptamine plants such as psychotria viridis, mimosa hostilis and banisteria caapi. As an entheogen, DMT is more intense than Lsd. While Lsd produces hallucinations of octilaterally symmetrical kaleidoscopes, DMT brings opaque hallucinations of dead relatives and aliens. When one has a dream at night, DMT is produced. DMT is definitely not to be toyed with. I never tried it. I don't want to try it! 

They most likely have cannabis available too. 

I wouldn't recommend doing any of that. 

They have microdoses to 300 milligrams, medium doses to 600 milligrams and high doses of up to 3 grams of whatever substance. A microdose is a small fraction of a typical recreational dose and has very little psychoactive effect but purportedly has therapeutic benefits including anxiety relief. A high dose has strong psychoactive effects with very little therapeutic benefit. The brain is a very delicate organ that is not to be fooled with. A psychoactive drug trip is a medium level medical issue. I would strongly recommend against doing any substances. Of course if you're young and don't know any better... The website says the Vancouver Police have bigger fish to fry than people doing microdoses. Vancouver is a next level big city and as such has these type of dispensaries. Victoria BC is a small town and despite the abundance of granola birkenstock neo hippies, there are no such dispensaries here, yet. I wouldn't put it past Dana Larsen who owns the Vancouver psychedelic drug dispensaries to open a branch in Victoria. Psychedelic drugs disorient a person's social perception to the point that even someone saying hi could be perceived as a catastrophic event of world shaking proportions. There are cannabis dispensaries but cannabis can lead to cannabis psychosis and paranoia as THC binds to cannabinoid receptors in the amygdala resulting in an overactive amygdala. Some people can maintain and some people can not maintain. If you can't maintain, the best idea is to stay away from such drugs. 

I don't believe that a microdose relieves anxiety. I believe that it makes anxiety worse. 

The best way to live is clean and sober. I would also avoid alcohol. 

The best way to experience a psychedelic episode is to practice meditation. Choose a posture that best fits you and sit still for 20 to 30 to 40 minutes. The best way to experience DMT is to have a dream while sleeping. 

DMT psychotropic plants is RNA derived DMT. Having a dream while sleeping is to experience DNA derived DMT. 

On March 1, 2023, the BC Legislature talked about Dana Larsen and his shop. The BC Liberal Party MLAs said, 

MLA Elenore Sturko, ex RCMP member: "While hard drugs are mainly illegal, Dana Larsen is selling hard drugs at his shop."

MLA 2: "We all know about Dana Larsen and he is well known for his advocacy of different drugs. He doesn't even have a license to sell his drugs."

MLA 3: "We certainly didn't give him a license!" 

Advice: If you're going to do any drugs, don't do it without knowing the time signatures. 

1. Ingestion to onset. 

2. Onset to peaking. 

3. Peaking to totally wearing off. 

Weed: 1. 5 minutes. 2. Then 15 minutes. 3. Then 3 hours. 

Lsd. 1. 45 minutes. 2. Then 3 hours. 3. Then 6 hours. 

Crack cocaine 1. Immediate. 2. Then 30 seconds to 2 minutes. 3. Then 3 hours. 

Ecstacy: 1. 45 minutes. 2. Then 20 minutes aka rolling. 3. Then 3 to 5 hours. 

Etc. Best advice: Don't do drugs at all. Being sober is overwhelming and scary enough. 

In the afternoon today I went to Christ Church and then I visited sweet Heather. 

Monday, February 27, 2023

Today I woke up with some fear. Yet at nights I often watch paranormal investigation videos on YouTube. So in the mornings I try to push away fear and in the evening, I watch fear inducing videos. What a strange life I lead. 

Today I visited Heather and we went to McDonald's. In the afternoon, we went to St Vincent De Paul. I went to ask about tax preparation but I wound up walking out with an arm load of excellent fruits and vegetables. I got mangoes, avocado's, bok choy, snow peas, brocolli and an orange. I also got gourmet food and vegetable drinks including a kale, orange and lemon drink. Despite food price inflation, the Catholic Church is immune to food price inflation and economic recession. During the Great Depression, Catholic run food lines fed a lot of people. God Bless the Catholic Church. 

I watched the movie Old Henry. It was one of the best Western movies I have ever seen. There is a plot twist to the movie that is absolutely mind-blowing. 

I also watched Blade of the 47 Ronin which is a very good martial arts movie. The fight scenes look too perfect, too choreographed. In real life, fights don't look as refined as that. 

The movie Paradise Highway was very gritty and entertaining. Juliette Binoche has gotten old. The movie was depressing but had a happy ending. Cal Kestis of Jedi Fallen Order, Cameron Monaghan is in the movie. 

I also watched a movie, All Those Small Things which is about a UK game show host who visits the United States to see a fan who sent him a letter. This is after the game show host had a friend who recently died so he is dwelling on his mortality. It's a great movie about not giving up on dreams even when you're as old as 70. 

I don't know if I'll live til 70 and what life would look like then. I dread it. But what if things turn out fine? Then I would have wasted a lot of years worrying for nothing. Too much of life is spent worrying for nothing. 

Caffeine is an anxiogenic substance meaning that it causes anxiety. 

Tuesday, February 28, 2023

Woke up overthinking. I can never be happy anywhere. This town is a boring repetitive fishbowl existence backwater. Vancouver is also a backwater although less so. Vancouver holds a lot of bad memories for me and going back there would be a regression to some former bullshit. 

Every person is a trap. Every person has things about them that would get on my nerves. And I too am a trap to myself. Things about me get on my nerves. 

All religions are bullshit. Christianity too has a lot of weird things about it. That Jesus was crucified on a cross is barbaric, bizarre, grotesque. 

All religions are centered around a geography. Buddhism is about India. Christianity is about Israel. 

All cultures and languages are bullshit. English is the best language in the World. Every other language is unthinkable. Even English has its weird politics about it such as the Brisith accent vs the North American regional accent. 

I never chose to come to Canada as an adult. I was brought here without my consultation when I was a child. I go to Church and I am the only Chinese guy there. I should be in China where I am surrounded with my own people.

The Chinese written language has a very steep learning curve and I don't like that language nearly as much as I like the English language. It's about where you are. Things that are such and issue about you here are irrelevant over there and vice versa. Things that are such an issue about you there are irrelevant over here. Life is full of irreconcilable paradoxes. Life is full of odious issues. 

I can understand those who have decided to give up on life. I often think of giving up on life. 

Yet I also know that 10 years later, if I am still alive, I would look back on these years and wish that I didn't squander the time in fear and worry. Whatever the dilemmas of life to just plow on. 

I do miss Vancouver. Vancouver is a more lively dynamic technologically advanced city. This town is a sleepy backwater fishbowl existence. I hope that through some miracle I can move back to Vancouver one day. 

Today, I went to the IMAX theatre and watched The Unseen World. Among other things, the film talked about nanotechnology. I sometimes think the covid vaccines had some nanotechnology. Antivaxers wanted to avoid the covid vaccine injections due to any possible malicious pharmaceutical hidden tech but what about when one gets novocaine injections when seeing a dentist. They don't protest against that that these dental novocaine injections could also have the potential to have whatever pharmaceutical hidden tech. 

I went to an Asian grocery store and got some capelin caviar. 

Today, I watched a lot of videos of walking tours of Vancouver on YouTube and got homesick for Vancouver. West 4th Avenue is very heavenly and I miss it. I had an interesting dream during an afternoon nap. 

I went to the Library and borrowed the blu ray, The Woman King. I think it will be a good movie. 

I visited Heather today.