January 2023

Sunday, January 1, 2023

Thank God for the gift of life. Thank God for having made it through another year and for this new year to come. 

Woke up in fear. Is this going to be another year of fear? How can I stand it? Fear is the brain trying to protect you.

I hope to see Heather again. 

God's aim is not to create a utopia on Earth otherwise heaven would be redundant. We all originated in heaven. Earth life is a test to see what we're made of. Some fail the test and wind up in hell. 

God's aim is to conduct and orchestrate us through this life of chaos and struggles. There is a purpose and meaning behind the trials of life.

I went to Church today, the Presbyterian Church. I talked to a few people there about Heather. They think that she should be all right. The hospital is the best place to be and they will take care of her. I find out in a couple of days because that is when I'll visit the hospital again. 

In my 40s, I felt depression everyday. In my 50s it is now depression plus fear and anxiety. I feel it today too and I dread another year of fear. Will I ever be happy or am I to go on feeling fear for life?

I was suicidal in my 40s but now I realize that suicide is not the answer. I must hold on and go on however depressed I feel. Also to tell my self that things will be all right. I have at least one mouse in my room. For years I had no mice in my room. Now they came back. I don't like mice. They can chew up and put holes in clothing. They tear papers even notes and drawings and artwork to shreds. Maybe the mice will go away again. I got a mouse barrier for the door of my apartment room but didn't put it up yet. 

I think that I will be depressed and afraid and anxious for life. It's my life sentence and then I fear death. I'm not certain of heaven. Douglas Bloch said, "What if you kill yourself and find out that the afterlife is worse?" 

What if the afterlife is worse whether or not you kill yourself? 

My landlord believes that after one dies, any illness, pain, mental illness etc will be gone. 

I believe that. A holographic spirit not tied to any physical constants such as the hypothalamus, the amygdala, the pituitary gland, the adrenal gland, etc is not subject to fear or anxiety or depression. 

I think that my life is going nowhere and I have nothing to live for. I worry about how I'm going to die in the future. What will be the circumstances behind it? It's bound to be as scary as hell. 

I don't want to reincarnate knowing how awful life can be. 

Strange but trivial thing happened to me. A mouse was running through a smaller bag of wild rice. There was even a large piece of mouse turd in it. I put away other bags I had of macaroni, 2 bags of plain rice and 1 larger bag of wild rice which unlike the smaller bag hasn't been chewed through and opened. Now I can't find the smaller bag of wild rice. I looked in the garbage and a few other places over and over again. It's gone. Disappeared in the Bermuda triangle of my room. I looked in drawers and a large plastic box and a metal tin. Not there at all. Hopefully it will turn up again one day. It's a crazy thing. It's not in the garbage can. 

15 minutes later: I found it. It was in the large plastic box. I'm getting rid of all of it except the macaroni. I already have lots of rice. 

Something really good can happen to me this year. Better than I imagine. Every year something good happens to me and every decade something really good happens to me. This is aside from the usual depression, anxiety etc. 

Last decade in the 2010s, I got lightsabers, a 55" 4K HDTV, tablets. I had major royal dreams and dreams about grey aliens and UFOs. I self taught myself a few things on the scooter. I met Heather who is my sweetness, my Beebs, my love and she has the face of an angel. I love her so much. 

In the 2010s I went to Sidney BC for the first time although it wasn't until this decade that I went to the movie theatre there. It was in this decade that I started going to Sidney Harbour Chinese Restaurant. The owner there is a great guy. I speak Chinese with him all the time. 

I am still worried about Heather who is currently in the hospital. I guess I'll find out in a few days. 

This year, I'll have to overcome my deep anxiety about getting a credit card. With a credit card, I could stay in hotels in Vancouver. I'll try to stay at some cheap hotels of course. Vancouver is the only city I'd travel to. In the last decade, I often dreamed about traveling to Europe. Now, anxiety and PTSD has overtaken me and I have too much fear and anxiety about traveling to Europe. The only country I'd travel to in Europe is England. Maybe Poland too but again, too overwhelming. Too much anxiety. I'm too old to travel to Europe. I'm 52 years old. Too old. 

Monday, January 2, 2023

Woke up in fear. I had a disturbing dream about lending someone my earbuds only to have them broken. In real life, I don't use earbuds. Although the dream felt comfortable, the part of my broken earbuds was disturbing. 

Then I remembered seeing Heather in the hospital and that I'll have to go to the hospital to visit her. It's a trap. If she dies, that's very scary. If she lives, I'll have to be working for her for life. I do love her and the love is part of the trap. The love and the guilt from not helping her form an exquisite trap that is my life now. 

I think I cracked or had a nervous breakdown two years ago. Now I'm afraid of life itself. I have gotten over other fears before. I was once afraid of dogs. Now I think they're cute. 

My life is a mess. I'm addicted to tobacco. My life is nasty, short and brutish. 

When you're young, life seems to take forever. When you're old, you look back and it seems to have went so fast. That's the scary thing. 

Religion only helps so much. The fear is still there. My ideal is to be a Jedi Knight or an adventurer. I used to feel depression and anger. Now I feel depression and fear and anxiety. I'm not the man I used to be. 

I wish I was never born. I don't think I have a good future. 

Today, I went to the Empress Hotel, Q at the Empress bar. I had a Caesar sald with grilled chicken and a root beer. This is a good way to start a new year. Get it off to a running start. The new year is not even a week over and already I went to the Empress Hotel. I could go once every few months. In this way, the future turned out better than I expected. I was nervous before going but I pushed myself to go. It's an adventure. This could be a really good year. 

Then I went to the beach. I found a large framed picture of flowers. I'm going to give this to Heather when she returns home. 

I hope she's all right. I'm still worried and nervous about that. I'll find out within a couple of days. 

I saw my friend from Church today. She was walking her dog. She has a dog called a Puli. The breed is from Hungary. That dog is so cute. Lots of dreadlocks. 

I'm staying home for the rest of the day. I still have a quarter of a pecan pie that I must finish soon. I got that pecan pie while on a shopping trip with Heather. 

I hope that God is with me. If not then I'm screwed. Hebrews 1 said that faith is the evidence of things unseen and the belief of things hoped for. Or something like that. Being religious might seem like a cop out but I don't want to be an atheist like Bill Maher. The only option to being religious is being non religious. Forget that! I must believe in God and Jesus like the boy from the Polar Express believes in Santa Claus. 

Jesus birth day is the same every year. December 25. Yet Jesus death date is different every year. Some years Easter is in March. Some years it's in April. 

This makes me think that Jesus birthday represents the conquering sun as daylight hours start getting longer. It's a form of sun worship. 

Jesus death date sounds like a kind of lunar observance. There are 13 lunar cycles a year and Jesus death date falls upon a certain date in the lunar calendar. It's an observance of the moon. Birth is sun. Death is moon because the moon represents night, darkness, death. Moon observance is a part of sun worship. Like Chinese New Year, the full moon harvest moon festival and also Ramadan, Easter is a lunar calendar based observance. 

Also Jesus death date would register as a bad luck day. Anyone born on that day would be ostracized. So that's why Easter is a different date every year. Otherwise that's what makes Christianity suspect. If Jesus really existed, why is his death date a different day every year? 

Jesus died on a Friday. Who else in history's death date is remembered not on the exact date but on the day of the week that the person died? 

Noctilucent sky. Victoria Bc. Monday, January 2, 2023. 5:18 pm. 

Today I saw the movie Respect on DVD borrowed from the Library. I also found out that Rolling Stone magazine named Aretha Franklin as the top 200 singer. Aretha Franklin had a tough life. All kinds of abuse. But she emerged to be the top singer. The movie covered the early years stopping at 1972 and didn't mention the Who's Zooming Who album of the 80s which was a smoking hot album with the songs Who's Zoomin' Who? and Freeway of Love. It also didn't mention her duet with George Michael, I Knew You Were Waiting. 

Tuesday, January 3, 2023

Woke up determined not to have fear. I had an interesting dream. I have to cherry pick the positive things in my life as I wake up. Although I'm not a millionaire, I'm not flat broke either which I have been for decades in my life and I still somehow got through that. I can always move back to Vancouver but I'd like to live in Kitsilano or Point Grey. Who wouldn't? It's very expensive to live there and I can't afford it. The downtown Eastside would be scary to move to. The whole neighborhood smells like urine. 

I'm going to try and visit Heather at the hospital today. I hope I find her well. I'm still worried about that. 

I believe in heaven. Where we visit in dreams in a level of ethereal plane. Heaven is on another level. Usually dreams are kind of hazy, slightly out of focus. But the dreams about heaven are more vivid than life, it has a different level of intensity than regular dreams. 

Likened to a building, regular dreams are on one floor and heaven is on another. I don't know if I'll go to heaven. I don't know if I'm good enough. I'm not a perfect person. I spent a lot of years taking the Lord's name in vain just like they do in Hollywood movies. I still smoke tobacco and on occasion, weed. Smoking weed brings me to have manic episodes where I think I'm crazy and where I'm sure that people are planning to kill me. 

If people are planning to kill me, why didn't they do it already? 

Apparently, before one goes to heaven, they have to go through their own private hell as in the afterlife, there is a life review. One sees the good as well as the bad things they did in life. They feel the thoughts and emotions of the people they affected magnified ten times. It's the bad things that people did in life, the bad words, the unkind moments that are the private hell. For most people, God forgives and it helps to be repentant. But there are some whose deeds are too bad and they are unrepentant. These people will go to hell. 

My landlord said that he is going to give Claude another chance. My landlord is impossible. What does that do for the rest of us? Claude is a psychopath. Claude wrote the landlord a note asking for another chance Claude doesn't want to be homeless. 

On the bus ride to see Heather, my worry was at an all time high. "My life sucks. Why does life have to do this to me?" 

I went to see Heather at the hospital. She is doing well. Sitting up and talking. She got transferred from the ICU to another ward. She's doing good. I'm so glad. I was worried about the worst. It seems the worries were for nothing. 

I went to a Chinese restaurant for some wonton and beef flank noodles. 

Today at 3:50 pm, I went to Walmart to try to print a picture from my USB flash drive. One machine had no paper, one machine had one hour printing only and the other machine was real slow. Oh well, zero out of three ain't bad. 

I still feel anxious. Or maybe it is just excitement. 

"You have major thrill issues." Finding Nemo

Life is tough then you die. In every town I've lived in, I've always encountered awful people. Life is only just barely worth living. Living longer means encountering more jerks. I often wish that I died years ago. 

This evening, I felt worn out, exhausted. After a nap, eating a multivitamin, having a hot shower and meditating, I feel somewhat better but the exhaustion remains. I feel under the weather like I'm getting the flu but there is no cough congestion or runny nose. I just need to rest. As usual, whenever I feel even the slightest medical issue, I think I'm going to die. Maybe I'm just a hypochondriac. I feel drained. I just need rest. 

I might have a slight hypoglycemia which is low blood sugar. I wonder what my glycemic index is. I'm not a doctor. 

"There's a destiny that shapes our ends. Rough hewn though it may be." Twilight Zone the movie also Shakespeare, Hamlet

I am thankful to God that I don't have a headache. I am thankful to God that I have a large screen television. I am thankful that I am still in good health. I am thankful for all the gifts that Heather has given to me over the years. I am thankful to God that He is watching over me even when I don't sense His presence with my 5 senses. I don't sense Him with my 6th sense either because I'm not psychic. The 6th sense kicks in whenever a person has a dream at night. I see ghosts of the dead in my dreams often. They seem young and even shiny like light reflects off their skin. At the time I often momentarily forget that they died. I've seen Bruce Lee, my aunt and my old friend John's father and others. I think that just about everyone will see that once in awhile if they can remember their dreams. Word salad. 

Can a person who is 52 years old like me still have a good future? Donald Trump and Joe Biden when they were 52 still had being the President of the United States in their future. At the time, they probably didn't know it could happen. It's a greater future than they could have imagined at the time. I don't know if Donald Trump and Joe Biden are friends. 

I still feel a little bit awful. A bit panicky. Oh well, it's mostly all in my head. 

The body is a finicky thing. If one needs to go to the bathroom or are thirsty and need to drink some liquid or needs sleep and rest, that itself can cause anxiety or slight panic which the mind can pin on something else. 

The planet Pluto was discovered in 1930. It's path is so eccentric that it crosses the path of other planets namely Neptune. In all this time, all these millions of years since the dinosaurs, it's a miracle that Pluto didn't crash into another planet! 

If it did and a telescope was able to photograph that, it would be the astronomy event of the century. 

There's no chance because Pluto's orbit is tilted and falls "below" the plane of Neptune's orbit. Who designed that? God. 

In this case below is a subjective term because in space, there is no above or below just as in space, there's no North South East or West. 

Wednesday, January 4, 2023

I feel better today than I did yesterday. I was knackered yesterday. I got a Vancouver Canucks calendar today. 

I'm not going to visit Heather today. I'll go tomorrow. I still feel a little bit exhausted. Going twice in two days is too much. 

I went to McDonald's and got a coffee. The coffee will help with the exhaustion. McDonald's coffee is medicinal. Whenever I feel just wrecked and drink McDonald's coffee, it helps me. 

I also ate some rice. Rice is good for sustenance. 

Today I tried a new app. It's called Block Blast Adventure. It's similar to Tetris. But a game of Tetris can take quite a long time whereas Block Blast is kind of rigged. After a couple of minutes Block Blast will fire a shape that is impossible to work with for example a 3x3 cube when there are clearly no spaces for a 3x3 cube anywhere on the board. One can watch an ad to extend the game but that's just shamelessly shilling for ads and ad revenue. Otherwise very fun and addictive. 

Tip for Block Blast Adventure. The cornerstone is the first stone laid for a building. 

Thursday, January 5, 2023

Feeling a lot better than I did over the last two days. And at one point I thought I was dying. Still apprehensive about the future. I see no good future. 

The News had a story about the deplorable conditions at an SRO building in the DTES. I stayed in SRO buildings there once. Some are better than others. In any town, any building I've ever stayed in, there have always been delinquent neighbours or else people who glom onto me for friendship and trying to pull me down to their level. That happens in every town. Life is hard. I've felt a few moments of bliss here and there but it's mainly depression. 

The News had a story about someone who's name is Trevor Matthews. His car got hit by a UPS truck. Life has its clues. Doesn't UPS spell Oops? Incompetent driver shouldn't be working. UPS has a CYA policy. CYA cover your ass. They refuse to comment even when the News company contacted them. Of course this is one incident, the exception rather than the rule and doesn't apply to most UPS drivers who are usually pretty good. 

I fear death but death is a natural process which has its time. Ecclesiastes, a time for everything, a time to be born, a time to die. 

If something is done out of its time, it's painful and unnatural just as going to the bathroom. When one needs to go, it feels natural. If it wasn't time to go and the extrusions had to be surgically sucked out of the bowels, it would be painful and unnatural. Same with death. Nurse Julie said the body was designed to one day die so when that time comes and the organs start shutting down, it feels natural. But doing oneself in before its time would feel very unnatural. However difficult or boring life seems to be, I have to go on living. Pastor Joel said that God's plans for us in the future are so awesome that if we knew about them, it would blow our minds. I don't know about that. Prosperity evangelism. There are a lot of freaked out people and they listen to him to hear what they want to hear. Pastor Joel gets well paid. But Pastor Joel will be 60 this year and I don't think there can be anything better than having the Compaq Center to preach at so I don't know what better things God has in even Pastor Joel's future. I magine that being 60 is worse and scarier than being 50. There are no rewards. The only reward you get through making it through this day is another day just as bad, just as boring, just as hopeless, just as depression ridden if not worse. 

There are no better days. At this point after having so many depression days, I don't know what a good future would look like. 

Pastor Joyce Meyer said that if a person complains where they are now, when they get to a better place, they will probably complain there too. The thing is to be thankful to God and have gratitude where you are now. 

Nurse Julie on YouTube who works as a hospice nurse said that one dies as they have lived. If one was always angry, at the time of death, they will be agitated and angry. If one was always quiet and calm, at the time of death they will be quiet and calm as well. 

Prince Harry's new book is called Spare. Perhaps it would be called Smear as he yet again smears the Royal Family. This is a train wreck. This is out of order! 

Spare - me the details. 

Prince Sparey? 

In dreams, members of Royalty seems very kind and calm and angelic. In real life, the Royal Family is rather Machiavellian. People in power can be very kind if they need to be and they can be very cruel and ruthless if they need to be. That's the essence of Machiavellianism. Royalty, politicians and the Police are all very Machiavellian. 

Airing a Royal Family's dirty laundry is what got Jamal Khashoggi killed but then Khashoggi was an outsider. He wasn't a direct member of the family like Prince Harry is. 

If you're a supporter and fan and are no threat to them and aren't expected to spend more than a couple of minutes with them, the Royal Family can seem very kind to you. They can give you such a smile that can take away your fears of the future. 

I don't know what's going on with the BRF. The best future is if Prince Harry and Meghan moves back to England, heals their rift and become working members of the Royal Family again. 

Prince Harry takes after his mother when it comes to releasing tell all books. Whereas Prince William takes after his father when it comes to not releasing tell all books. Keep a stiff upper lip. 

Prince Harry will make millions off this book alone as the book sells for $40 at bookstores. 

Today I went to visit Heather at the hospital. She was being discharged and I got to ride along in the cab! The taxi driver knows his way around. Instead of going along the route I expected, the taxi driver took a turn and we went on the highway. 

A disturbing note about myself. Heather's toilet was full next to her bed. It looked disgusting but I peeked at it not once but a few times. It looked like red bean paste soup. I wonder about myself. Why would I peek in a few times? I must be mentally deranged. 

When we got back to her apartment, we soon after went to the mall. Heather treated me to a rice with beef Sukiyaki at Edo's Japan and also a bottle of Barq's root beer. Burt Cocaine, I mean Curt Cobain drank Barq's on the day he killed himself although my landlord thinks that he was murdered. 

This last week has been tumultuous. First going to the ICU waiting room last Thursday night from 7:30pm to 9:15pm and waiting then getting barely any information, then on Friday seeing Heather at the ICU all sedated with tubes running in and out of her body and then on Tuesday seeing her sitting up and talking and then today being discharged. 

If I hadn't had exhaustion yesterday, I might have visited her not knowing she'd be discharged on Thursday instead of Friday. I went today and she needed help getting into the cab and then back into her apartment. So the timing was incredible. Pastor Joel would say, that was the hand of God. 

This reminds me of an East Indian story. A man was at a temple and wanted to trade places with a statue of an East Indian God. As a statue, he saw a man drop a wallet while another man Stole the wallet and got arrested. As a God, he changed it to where the man didn't lose the wallet and the other guy didn't get arrested. Turns out the man who lost the wallet was an evil rich man who was going to use the money to exploit and abuse more people. The man who got arrested was a poor but good sailor who would have otherwise gotten on a ship where there was going to be a storm which would capsize the ship and kill all aboard. The real God said to the man who traded places with him, "You are a lousy God. Who but God knows how God works things which seem mysterious but are for good?" 

I did tell Heather that I was thinking of marrying her. But people on welfare don't get married and people on welfare who marry and cohabitate wind up getting less money together as a couple than they would as two separate single people. I will be with her and help her for as long as it takes. I'm glad Heather is discharged and well. I had the scare of my life last week. Also I'm glad I recovered from my exhaustion. Often, routine exhaustion is mistaken for caregiver burnout and PTSD. I still have anxiety but it comes and goes and things I had anxiety about a few months ago are mostly forgotten about and not even a memory today. 

Old age could be awesome. Luke Skywalker was originally to be a 60 year old General. Stellan Skarsgaard is 70 and is an awesome adventurer as Luthen Rael. Bad example but Emperor Palpatine was 90 and still very fit and very powerful as a 90 year old master of the Sith art of the lightsaber. 

Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Pastor Joel Osteen will be turning 60 this year and they are still very strong and vital and not a shrinking shrivelling old person. Pastor Joyce Meyer is 72 and she is more vital and more full of energy than a lot of people in their 20s even. 

Roshi Philip Kapleau wrote a book called The Three Pillars of Zen. In that book some people claimed to have reached Nirvana, they wrote about it but when the Priest read what they wrote, the Priest said, "You're not there yet." Others wrote about their experience attaining Nirvana or Enlightenment and when the Priest read these others accounts, he said, "You truly did reach enlightenment." I think enlightenment is having an intense OBE during meditation, one in which they take a walk out of their body, having a very vivid and sweating and feverish dream and they eventually encounter heaven. And then they come back to their body. It's very difficult and very rare to meditate to the point where one has an OBE and storms heaven. But if a person had an enlightenment experience during their 20s, it is possible that when that person reaches their 50s, all that enlightenment wears off and they wind up having depression and anxiety as much as ever. 

I remember reading The Three Pillars of Zen when I was 24 and for two days I couldn't stop crying tears of joy and I felt giddy and blissful for two days. Now in my 50s, I have much anxiety and endless worries about the future. Enlightenment isn't a permanent fix. It wears off. 

I have anxiety again tonight. Oh, it never goes away. It registers as a slight painful burning feeling in the stomach. Thoughts can bring anxiety. At the Empress hotel they have rabbit garganelli for $48. Rabbit garganelli is penne pasta noodles with rabbit meat and tomato sauce. The thought of that gives me anxiety but why have anxiety about something that I'm not legally required to try. A rabbit is a rodent. If a restaurant runs out of rabbit meat, what other rodent meat can they use? Guinea pig garganelli? Mouse garganelli? A rabbit is cute. I can't eat a rabbit. Bugs Bunny carton, "Where's my hasnpfefffer?!" Hasnpfefffer is a Dutch entree made with marinated rabbit. A million things give me anxiety. This is just one of them. At times my anxiety is so bad I think of shooting myself in the head with a gun. Sure, there's no way that doing something like that would give me anxiety.... No I would never do myself in. However hard life is, I must go on. 

I'm scared that my anxiety will never go away. One day, I will find an answer that I'm looking for about my anxiety. An iron clad airtight answer that will help my anxiety once and for all. God please help me. I always used to have anxiety but never this bad. 

Rabbit garganelli. Recipe for anxiety. 

If Sprouht from YouTube interviewed me:

Sprouht: How old are you? 

Me: 52.

Sprouht: How does it feel to be 52?

Me: In a lot of ways, it doesn't feel that much different than being 45 or even 35 but the number 52 is portentous. I think I'm old. I have constant fear and anxiety now. Plus I'm at a point where I'm not nearly able to pluck out all my grey hairs with tweezers. There are clumps and patches of grey hair on my head now. 

Sprouht: Is there something we prioritize when we're younger that isn't as important now? 

Me: Drugs. I did drugs, mainly marijuana plus other drugs when I was younger. I experimented with Lsd, magic mushrooms, heroin, cocaine, ecstacy and poppers when I was younger. When I was younger I wanted time to go faster. I couldn't wait to get older. Now that I'm 52 I want time to go slower. I don't want to be 60 or 70 because that must be scary as hell. For me since I was 51, drugs are no longer nearly as fun as they were when I was younger. 

Sprouht: Is there any advice you'd give to people who are younger? 

Me: Value your moments. Time goes so fast. Don't wish for time to get faster and certainly don't wish to die. Remember to thank God for the gift of life. As bewildering as the time you are in now, one day, two decades later, you'll look back on these days as the good old days. 

Friday, January 6, 2023

Today I discovered Block Puzzle. It's a wood block puzzle similar to Block Blast Adventure but it's better. More spaces. More time per fame and one can earn stars to win prizes.

 

Wooden 100 is the absolute best of them all. This one has all rotating pieces all the time. It's better than Tetris. Plus this one has a magic hat feature where you can change the shapes if you don't like any of the shapes. Wooden 100 is the best gold platinum app of 2023 in my opinion. I uninstalled all other Block apps. Wooden 100 is a desert island app. 

This morning I went to London Drugs to try to develop a picture. They only have 4 hour developing unlike Walmart which can develop in seconds. The computer at London Drugs didn't register most of the pictures including the one I wanted to develop. The Walmart computer is better. 

I went to a Chinese food shop and got shoyu dumplings and a Vietnamese salad roll. 

In the afternoon I went with Heather to the hair salon. They said come back in an hour. So we went to Yates market where I got a box of Laura Secord maple fudge on sale for $4. I remember going to Seattle in 1981 at the Southgate Mall where there was a Laura Secord store in the mall. I'm old if I can remember 1981. Then we went back to London Drugs. I got a bag of chips on sale for $2.50.

Then me and Heather went to the hair salon, well, she went to the hair salon. I waited outside. It was cold and windy today. 

In 1913, Frank O'Connor opened a chocolate store in Toronto that he named Laura Secord who was a historical female hero in the Canadian War of 1812. Laura Secord herself didn't really make chocolates. 

Woke up with fear and spent the day with anxiety. What else is new? YourHigherSelf on YouTube had a video saying that one must fall in love with their own anxiety and fear and eventually it will go away on its own. 

Sometimes anxiety is either saying to go to the bathroom or else just to drink water because you're dehydrated. 

I also feel anxiety about getting old and that will never change. To be old is to be doomed to senescense and decrepitude. Growing old sucks. It's impossible to be young forever. Growing old sucks and dying young sucks too. Existence is a trap. Best not to be born at all. 

John 10:10 I come that they may have life and have it abundance.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you says the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future.

I had a late afternoon nap and woke up feeling wretched and hopeless. But a website called Tiny Buddha said, 1. Things will change 2. Remember how you got out of bad days in the past 3. Things are not as bad as they seem 4. Don't overlook the good things as the bad things are just a subset in life.  

I hope that God is with me. I hope that God is with all of us, yet he doesn't seem to be because major misfortune happens to a lot of people. God is with the faithful and even if something bad happens to the faithful, God is with them regardless. 

I need to be an adventurer like a Jedi Knight or like Indiana Jones or like Tron the future warrior or like Brad Pitt. I wonder if a Jedi Knight is religious. Looking online, there is a Jedi liturgy and prayer book. Jedi Knights are religious. They believe in the force. However Jedi Knights don't believe in Jesus because the Jedi Knights happened a long time ago in a galaxy far far away. This means that Jedi Knights existed thousands of years before Jesus appeared on the Earth. 

Saturday, January 7, 2023

Waking up in the morning is the most difficult. On the finished edge of yet another strange bizarre slightly scary dream. Last night I dreamed about UBC. Then I smoke tobacco. If I am somewhat hard on myself for smoking tobacco, I would be very overly critical and judgemental to people who smoke tobacco when or if I ever quit smoking tobacco. Neither is good. 

As somewhat scary and uncertain as it is in the morning, generally days pass quickly and I will make it through another day. 

Even in the hopefully distant future on that day when I die, I will still make it through the day, only thing is, the end of the day will be spent in the afterlife. 

Every day has a strange task at hand or else a decision. Do I see a movie today or not? Wakanda Forever is playing at IMAX. Do I go or not. Indecision is not comfortable. Months later I will look back on the decisions of this day and it will seem like nothing. 

I remember to thank God every day for the blessings in my life. It is better than to wallow in atheistic or agnostic negativity which I used to do. I was somewhat religious before. Now I'm more religious than ever. Being religious is psychologically and spiritually healthy. However I'm not as religious as a Priest is. I don't know how strong my faith is, but a Priest has a lot of faith. I shouldn't ignore or forget the signs that angels send me like seeing the word angel or angels in song titles and advertisement, seeing coins and feathers, and seeing yellow taxi cabs. I sometimes see things like an orange peel on the ground in the shape of a heart. 

The way I used to smoke tobacco in the morning was to have a cigarette right when I get out of bed. That leads to a morning head rush which is just awful. Now I take my time to wake up, then I walk down the hall and look out the main window. I breathe deeply and say the Lord's Prayer and then I thank God for the gift of life, for the gift of this day and I thank Him for his presence and guidance. Then I go back to my room and either have a drink of soft drink or else I rinse my mouth with Listerine. Then I have a morning smoke. I have about 5 draws. I smoke filter less hand rolled cigarettes which I roll myself. The rest of the day when I smoke I have no more than 3 draws. It's not like I smoke them right down to the nub. So all in all, I'm a moderate smoker. I want to quit but haven't been able to. A couple of nights ago, I smoked a micro pinch of marijauana. I have been smoking tobacco and weed since I was 19. Will I be a smoker for life? I quit smoking tobacco from age 26 to age 44. But I started tobacco again since. When I was 41 and working at the Old Spaghetti Factory, an employee said to me one night, "You are going to be smoking tobacco again for sure!" What an evil thing to say but it turned out to be true. I'm afraid of dying of some lung disease related to tobacco smoking. But if I quit that leaves all the other ways that non tobacco smokers can die of. Some people smoke tobacco and live to be quite old. Death is certain for all. I'm afraid to die because I'm afraid of the afterlife. I think it will be weird and edgy just like my dreams at night. 

Apeirophobia is fear of eternal life. 

I walked past Pagliacci's restaurant and looked at the menu. 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea wasn't there. That was my favorite. It's prawns, clams, mussels and scallops fried in olive oil with linguine with a slightly creamy sauce. For some reason its not there any more. I would try The Shell Game instead next time. Hopefully 20,000 Leagues comes back one day. Perhaps some of the ingredients are seasonal or else too difficult or too expensive to get. 

This afternoon I fucked up. I got obsessive. I spent an hour looking for a porn video about some young Spanish guy named Rio who visits an older woman who is in bed. She is blonde has pigtails and is kind of fat. He is a masseur but she winds up giving him a massage instead! 

New rule. Give it ten minutes to find some porn video. If I can't find it then give up. Usually the video shows up right away. So this is how I spent this piece of eternity. I was never able to find the video. I hope that God still helps me even though I can get weird sometimes. I write about this so I can face the problem and hopefully one day cure the problem. Things about me scare me. I scare myself. 

I'm thinking that one day the video will show up when I least expect it. This has happened before. Spend an hour trying to find something and then on another day it just shows up. 

I have a mouse in my room. It is a pest. I don't know what good praying to St Servatius of Tongeren will do. He is the patron Saint of mice and rats. I see the mouse now as I'm typing this. Mice are impossible to catch. I lay out glue traps but they're too smart and somehow avoid them. 

I saw Wakanda Forever tonight. What a movie! Mind blowing. Great effects. Great fight scenes. Great story. I even was able to talk with a friendly lady who was sitting next to me. I thought she was Dr Bonnie Henry because she looks like her especially in profile. It was a great evening. Namor who is the antagonist spoke a lot of the South American language that was spoken in Apocalypto. The Wakandans and Namor's kingdom of Talokan both possess vibranium. The CIA is also after vibranium. Either Wakanda and Talokan fight or they unite to protect the vibranium. Great movie. It makes me want to watch Black Panther part 1 again. 

Sunday, January 8, 2023

Woke up with some fear. But I remind myself that the days go fast and before I know it, it will be 7 pm. And on a lot of days if not all days good things happen, better things than I expected. 

I went to Church today. It was a very good day. I saw some of my favorite ladies there. I saw quite a few ladies in town today who know me and are very friendly to me. 

I went to the pharmacy and got two vaccinations, one for omicron and one for the flu. I talked to people at Church. They all trust the vaccines and not the conspiracy theorists. I guess I'll find out now if I'm still alive a few years after getting the vaccinations. 

There are the negative conspiracy theorists, paranoia, regarding the vaccinations. I'm surprised that there aren't the positive conspiracy theorists, metanoia, who would say that the News just gives a neutral assessment of the vaccinations. That the vaccinations have all kinds of undeclared benefits such as hidden CRISPR technology DNA enhancement, fixing and lengthening of telemeres so some people who get the vaccinations would have a longer and healthier life than they otherwise would have and that the more vaccinations you get, to a reasonable point, I mean one can't get 100 vaccinations a day, the better off you'll be. If this happens there would be major line ups at vaccination clinics and the government wouldn't be able to keep up with the demand. These positive conspiracy theorists might also say that in 30 years there will be a massive migration to Mars and the young people who get these vaccinations will be better prepared health wise to handle the conditions on Mars. 

Those who get in on the ground floor to Mars, going on the first few waves, would have no housing crisis problem because they would be guaranteed a really nice luxurious condo or even detached home and what's more the government would pay them a lot to love there just as early farming settlers to Canada got a free farm of several hundred acres plus the government paid them $500 to relocate which was a lot of money in the 1860s when the monthly wage was less than $10 a month. Back then pennies were divided into half pences and anyone with even 25 cents in the 1860s was set for the weekend. Lots of beer for the weekend and loaves of bread were about a half pence then. 

There is no one size fits all vaccine so some who get it would be worse off, some who get it would be somewhat better off while others who get the vaccine would be majorly better off like they won the lottery. 

Someone could write a science fiction story or make a movie about this. 

Civil unrest in Brazil. That's Brazil's answer to the January 6 insurrection. You have the same ingredients. A former President, in this case Jair Bolsonaro, contests election results. His hired thugs, instigators, etc foments civil unrest in an attempt to pressure the current government to recount the election results. 

A very similar event happened in Haiti a couple of years ago regarding their President Aristide. 

The current Brazilian President Lula da Silva was once in prison for a few months for financial corruption charges. Never would he have imagined in his darkest days in prison that one day he'd be the President. That's a comeback story. For those who are in their darkest days now, who knows what the future could hold for you? Nelson Mandela was in prison for 27 years and one day he became President. 

Brazil is known for death squads that patrol the favelos and execute high ranking gang members and drug dealers. The death squad operated under the watch of the past president. Perhaps some of these death squad members are involved in the insurrection. Sometimes the death squad are criminal animals and sometimes they are political animals when the occasion warrants. 

This too will pass and Brazil will be back to stability again soon. I wish them the best. As a Christian, I hope that God grants stability to all nations and wish all nations the best. 

Realizing that I suffered from exhaustion and not PTSD helped me. I got the answer from the movie Don't Worry Darling when the doctor said, "It's just routine exhaustion." I also hung on to the experience of my exhaustion of the summer of 2021 when for weeks if not months before I was drinking two or three energy drinks a day, staying up til 5 am and waking up at 7:30 am resulted in me having extreme anxiety and it didn't help me when I say the headline in People Magazine, 'Howie Mandel suffers from extreme anxiety'. Then I woke up one morning having a panic attack. That panic attack ended a couple of months later. I had a few days where I felt extremely blissful and that was angels visiting me because angels can bring bliss. The Zen story, "I left that girl at the river. Are you still carrying her?"

I was still carrying memories of that day I woke up in panic. 

That is the answer to my anxiety. 

One day, I will unexpectedly stumble on that magic super sentence that will help me once and for all get over my fear of aging. I am still scared of getting old and of the years ahead. So far, I have had a boatload of advice about getting old but none of it helped. The answer is still out there. Maybe I'm not ready for it. When the student is ready the teacher appears. One day when I'm ready for it, I will get my answer of how not to be afraid of getting old. 

Today, during an early evening nap, I had a dream of visiting Vancouver. It was beautiful. The most beautiful Vancouver dream I had ever had. I was walking down the summer daytime streets of Vancouver. I saw beautiful modern buildings and even said, "This is heavenly Vancouver!" Heather was with me. I said to her, "One day when you move to London, I will move to Vancouver."

Monday, January 9, 2023

The News said that a family in Vancouver has had their car tires repeatedly slashed. They were slashed 11 times in the last 7 weeks. Again and again even when the family parked their van a block away from the house. 

The 7-11 tire slashings. 7 weeks 11 times. 

There is grainy black and white surveillance camera footage. The guy looks like some Neanderthal Fred Flintstone thug in some weird self righteous Neanderthal frenzy as he slashes the car tire and then runs away Neanderthal style. Black and white camera footage?! This is 2023. The 1950s called. They want their black and white footage back. As usual the News doesn't tell us the full story. There's more to the story. There's something they're not telling us. The family did something or was involved in something. This looks like a crime of passion rather than a crime of opportunity. The Police said they have techniques and technologies that they will not disclose to the public to solve this. The News doesn't always finish what they start so who knows if they will tell what happened. 

A couple of weeks ago, the News talked about a young lady with some mental issues but likes to go hiking. She went hiking and was never found. Her father and a team of search and rescue went into the woods to look for her. The News didn't follow up on this story. Maybe they did but I didn't watch the broadcast. 

Sometimes the News doesn't do a follow up because once the suspect is found and captured and has a pending court case, there is a publication ban so as to not affect the court case. 

Woke up with no fear. The days go fast and there are often good surprises on any given day. I was in fear all of last year yet I made it through to this year. I still have general worries about getting old and I wonder if I will find the master super piece of advice that will help me overcome this worry about getting old once and for all. So far I have had a boatload of advice regarding this but none of it worked. 

I went to the dentist today. I found out that my tooth will be extracted this week. 

I am going to visit the Pastor of the Church at his office this week. I will ask him, "I smoke tobacco and sometimes marijuana. Would Jesus think less of me because of this?" Also, "I don't know if I believe in heaven. I think that the notion of heaven is something the Church advances to assuage people's major number one fear and that religion is doing this to make money. And I think that once the novelty of heaven wears off, the critical faculty will kick in making is less than heaven. There has to be a bad to offset good otherwise we won't know the value of good. Wouldn't this relativity structure exist in the afterlife? I think I'm going to go to that weird place I go to in my dreams after I die and that I won't go to heaven if it exists for man. Heaven exists for God but God is on another level." 

Maybe I don't need to ask the Pastor this. The Universe is a living thing full of answers and I will find the answers to this question in one place or another because my mind or consciousness is connected to the one energy of the Universe. The hippies who used Lsd said, "All is one." If I don't find the answer in one place, I will find it in another. Maybe in a movie or on a YouTube video or on a Newscast, I will unexpectedly find the answer. 

As for old age, we are all points on a curve. Some are a lot less afraid of old age than I am while there are others who are more afraid of old age than I am. 

I'm going to stay overnight at Heather's. This will be the first time I stayed overnight anywhere since I moved in here almost 12 years ago. I am nervous about how it will turn out. This will be my practice at staying at hotels overnight in Vancouver. I could also decide not to stay overnight in Vancouver ever but I only live once and travel is a chance not to be passed up otherwise years later I might regret it. 

Didier Lockwood is a great musician. He died a few years ago. YouTube introduced me to him in a recommendation. I will always thank YouTube for that. Sometimes YouTube gives heavenly gifts through video recommendations. The songs I recommend are, Crazy Eights, The Kid, Sunny Sonny, Aldino, The Spy, Ursella In Summer, Something Sweet, and Impressions. Those songs are heavenly. But there's no accounting for taste. Everyone like the music that they like. Those songs are timeless, they take me back to the 70s and 80s but also take me back to a heavenly artful medieval age of really good music. 

Tuesday, January 10, 2023

Last night I stayed over at Heather's. It was a good time. Last night I experienced some anxiety. Staying at Heather's seemed strange and different at first but now thinking back, I like it. 

I went to Chinatown today. I got a few groceries including 3 small tins of braised abalone for $20. Usually one large can is $100. It is a luxury I will use for all the rest of the year. 

I went home and watched the movie Mr and Mrs Smith. It is a story of a married couple who are spies. They are assigned to kill each other but then team up to look for the ones who hired them. I fell asleep three quarters into the movie. I woke up from this afternoon nap in fear and uncertainty. Life is overwhelming. The future is so uncertain. If it wasn't uncertain it wouldn't be the future. 

I wonder if I'm at the right place in life. I think I'm unsuccessful. 

We waste a lot of time in worry. Afterwards the event we worried about wasn't as bad as we thought. 

I wonder if I'll ever be happy. 

I found out yesterday at Heather's that Prince Harry will be on the Steven Colbert show tonight at 11:30 on Global TV. 

Prince Harry said a lot of things in his book, Spare which I would be scared to say if I said that in a book. Wikipedia has an entry about Prince Harry's book Spare. Prince Harry shows me that my life isn't the only life that can be crazy and overwhelming. 

In my life a lot of crazy things happened to me which I'd rather not talk about and these things are worse than what happened to Prince Harry. But Prince Harry is a Prince. You wouldn't expect his life to be as worse as my life. However Prince Harry also went through a lot of things worse than I went through in my life. We should all applaud Prince Harry for the courage to go through life as a human on Earth which can be crazy and overwhelming for any person. 

I hope that Prince Harry doesn't become addicted to writing these kind of books and that he doesn't give into any temptation to step it up and to write increasingly scandalous and incendiary books. I imagine that the Royal Family only has so much patience and the Royal Family isn't just any ordinary family but one that is responsible for the stability and strength of a Nation. Any statements in a book that compromise a Royal Family also compromises the stability of the nation in which a Royal Family presides. That goes for any Royal Family of any Nation. 

If I were in Prince Harry's position, I would think that my family is very dangerous and I don't want to upset them. My own family is dangerous enough. But a Royal Family is way more dangerous. When it comes to being dangerous, a Royal Family is on another level! A Royal Family has so many Police and also hired tugs and hitmen and hitwomen working for them that you'd think they were sprouting from the walls. I'd be very scared. 

I would tread softly. But that's just me. Prince Harry is going to cut it the way that he will cut it. 

I probably upset my family when I was younger and angrier. There are ways I acted towards my family which I regret. I wonder if I'll ever see my family ever again. I will ask a Pastor to say a prayer that if it is in God's will, that I can see my family again. The last time I saw my family was in early 2003. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2023

I woke up not knowing what to think. I have a dental appointment today. A tooth will be extracted. Another tooth extracted means one step further into old age. But there are people in their 20s who are edentulous which means having no teeth. Alas I still smoke tobacco. I always beat myself up for that thinking I am undisciplined, a degenerate, and addict and a delinquent for smoking tobacco or any drug including marijuana which I still occasionally smoke. I got a ziploc baggie full of roaches which means that I still intend to smoke. I've said so many things about myself regarding marijuana over the years that for sure I won't be allowed to go to the United States. However I have no plans or intentions of visiting the United States anyways. 

Every week has its problems and issues and I worry. Yet I always somehow make it through these problems and issues and a lot of the time it is smoother and goes better than I thought so the worries were for nothing. In 2021, I thought I'd be dead within a year. 2022 was a year full of fear, yet I made it to 2023. One day soon, I will learn to let go of the fear and worry because it is a waste of time. Most of the things we worry about never happen. 

Keeping up with the Joneses. In your teens, all your friends are comparing the cars they got. In your 20s all your friends are comparing the University they go to. In your 30s all your friends are comparing their wives and the houses they got. In the 40s, 50s, even 60s, all your friends are comparing their families and the nice houses they live in. 

There comes a time when all of that is dropped and in the 70s all your friends are comparing the old age homes they go into and all the places in all the cemeteries that they will be buried in that they shopped for. 

Jean Luc Ponty released the albums Upon the Wings of music in 1975 and Aurora in 1976. I was in kindergarten in 1975 and in grade 1 in 1976. I didn't go to record stores then and wasn't listening to the music of Jean Luc Ponty then. I wondered what record stores in Vancouver looked like in 1975. I want to see some pictures of record stores in Vancouver in 1975 and 1976 especially a&b sound and Sam the Record Man. I wish I was born in 1960. Or else 1955. Music started getting really good in the early 60s. Junior Walker and the All Stars - What Does It Take was released in 1969. That song was ahead of its time. Al the songs in the movie Animal House was released in the early 60s as Animal House was set in 1962. Motown was really good in the 60s. There is no more Motown anymore. Although there is Death Row records. Music has degenerated. 

My tooth extraction was edgy. The needles going in was slightly painful. The tooth being removed was somewhat edgy. But I survived. 

In the afternoon I visited Heather. We went to Chinatown and then to Value Village and then we went to the Public Market. I got rid of my tooth swab at the public market. 

Some pain for the rest of the day but not much pain. 

Thursday, January 12, 2023

Woke up with some pain where my tooth was extracted. It soon wore off. Last night I had a dream of a Black lady who died in this hotel last year. 

This morning her room door was open. It's usually never open. What are the odds her room door is open on the morning after I had a dream about her? 

Even though it was raining, I went to the beach. I found a large blue and white bowl from China. 

I woke up today not feeling fear but instead, feeling my love for Heather. My love for Heather is stronger than my fear. I sometimes worry about Heather's future. Heck I sometimes worry about my future. Worry is the only constant. 

For some spurious reason, I went to London Drugs to look at a 55" Samsung HDTV. It is a Q80 TV which is better than a Q60. The Q80 has an AI quantum processor but at $1,299 it is too pricey. In a few years the prices of these televisions will drop but in a few years there will be something better but I can't imagine a television looking better than a Samsung Q80 which is better than a Sony X80. 

I had an early evening nap. I had a science fiction dream. Something about moving down the street, a stadium, some explosions, two machines hid in a room near the ground floor elevator. One machine was a hero machine and one was a time machine. The key to the room was the small end of a USB to tablet connector. But the small end of a USB to tablet cord also connected to perfume bottles. At one point there was a look in a room at the stadium. A king sat there on a large cushion and a voice said, "Your mother loves you very much." 

I woke up and a YouTube documentary was on autoplay on my television. It is about three princesses going to England to find a man. One Princess is from Saxony Germany, one Princess is from India and another Princess is from Africa. It's a 3 hour and 45 minute documentary. I'm going to watch all of it. That this docementary is on is a good sign from God for me. Even though I woke up nervous and overwhelmed about my life and of the future.

I didn't watch all of it. Nearly 4 hours is a bit much. I stopped at the 1 hour and 45 minute mark. 

A Princess would be out of my league. Even the middle class ladies in this town are out of my league. There are a lot more women of my class in Vancouver. My class is the welfare class but most of the women on the welfare class have some substance abuse problem. I too mainly smoke tobacco and sometimes smoke Marijuana. When I smoke Marijuana I have a manc episode where I think I'm crazy but wish I was 100% normal. And I think that some people want to kill me because I'm crazy or else some people hate me sheerly because I myself have had certain hatreds and disregards for some people like panhandlers, beggars, street fundraisers and other delinquents in this town. I really dislike those people. If I dislike people in my life, some people must dislike me. There is nothing good to smoke. Tobacco tastes terrible and can bring slight anxiety. Marijuana is a major paranoia machine. If I quit smoking I will be left to worry about all the things and medical issues that a non smoker can die of. I don't drink coffee, why do I smoke tobacco? I don't drink beer or alcohol, why do I smoke marijuana? Coffee is more socially widespread and approved of than tobacco. Drinking beer all your life won't get you barred from the States but smoking pot can. Although rock groups who are known for their drug use, heck hockey players too and also Prince Harry who admitted to having done all kinds of drugs including ayahuasca, magic mushrooms, cocaine and marijuana is allowed into the States. 

I never tried ayahuasca nor would I ever want to. My mind is screwed up as it is and the mind is a very delicate organ. "Just Say No" 

Lisa Marie Presley died. Everyone on YouTube comments said she was a major drug user and they saw this coming. I wish her the best in the afterlife. If Elvis was the King, Lisa Marie Presley was a Princess. The Black lady who died in my hotel last year and who I had a dream of last night  was named Mary so there is a strange connection. I didn't know that Lisa Marie Presley used a lot of drugs. Rich people are known to be usually more cautious and moderate and abstemious than poor people. 

I didn't think that Lisa Marie Presley used alot of drugs. That's projection. I don't use much if any drugs and so I assume that most people are also not using much drugs. 

I don't mind telling you that I'm terrified of my upcoming tooth extraction. It's a molar extraction. Hopefully it isn't painful. I think that it might be. 

Friday, January 13, 2023

Today I went to the beach and to Ogden Point. On the way there I saw Bob McDonald the science guy. I told him about my theory of time. About time travel being the objective experience of time etc. He said time is linked with space so if a person traveled in a time machine to go to the same place, the Earth is moving an Earth length every 15 seconds in space when it comes to how fast the Earth and solar system moves around the galaxy. He said that time also flows the other way. 

At Ogden Point there was a very large boat named GSL Eleni full of containers. Is it stuck there? 

Tonight I had an anxiety attack. Again. It went away in about 20 minutes. The anxiety registers as a painful burning feeling in the stomach. But then I listened to an Allan Holdsworth concert in YouTube and thought about the streets of Dawson Creek at night. It felt heavenly. 

I saw on a website that Dawson Creek has had a record number of crimes, property theft in the last three months. 

https://northernbeat.ca/news/dawson-creek-residents-combat-crime-crisis/

The RCMP Police in Dawson Creek are understaffed so vigilante groups although they wouldn't refer to themselves as such, have taken over the job of returning lost property and of catching the criminals. So there is a lot of delinquents in Dawson Creek as well. I hope Dawson Creek solves its problems once and for all. In the old days even in the 50s such criminals were taken to a remote field or remote woods and put to death usually by beating or hanging. That's the way such things should be dealt with. Such delinquent criminals are a waste of space and if they're executed, good riddance. I write this aware of the fact that I could never execute anyone. An angel said to someone in a near death experience, "Some decisions could cost you your soul." The angel was referring to murder and suicide. The ideal is that execution of repeat property thieves is the Hollywood bloodlust ideal solution. The reality is that it would be difficult if not impossible to do. These criminals should be sent to a penitentiary from the word penitent. In prison these criminals would have the fear of God put into them. There is a lot of spirituality in prisons and often prisoners will scare first time and repeat offenders away from committing crimes ever again using a variety of psychological techniques. 

Today I finished watching Three Princesses. Only one of the Princesses found a true love, one found a friend and the other Princess didn't find any men but she invited a lady she worked with at the bar to her home and kingdom somewhere in India. 

Saturday, January 14, 2023

I don't remember last nights dream at all. It was something about something. 

I woke up with a lot of fear. But it soon wore off. 

I visited Heather today. We went shopping and then we went to Burger King. 

A YouTube channel called FightForTruth criticizes Pastor Joel Osteen saying that he is a prosperity evangelist and that his Biblical interpretation is not accurate. 

Catholics would say that Protestants Biblical interpretation isn't accurate and vice versa. No two preachers or pastors on this planet have the exact same Biblical interpretation. 

This is a sick world full of people in pain be it physical, psychological or spiritual pain. Pastor Joel's words have a hypnotic effect. When I was stoned on weed one time and was listening to Pastor Joel on YouTube, I noticed that Pastor Joel Osteen often ends his sentences in a slow rumbling grinding deep low voice declamation. That's a hypnotic effect. Weed can make sounds seem like they're in slow motion as time can slow down if one is really high on weed. 

Pastor Joel Osteen words are healing to a World of hurting people. If one hears words often enough, the words become a teaching and that teaching becomes a guide. I always feel better and never worse after hearing Pastor Joel talk. His detractors are envious of his success and thus try to tear him down. Joyce Meyer too. Joyce Meyer is one of the greatest people to have ever existed. She always makes me feel better after hearing her talk. 

I watched a YouTube documentary about three Prince's going to England to find love. It's very similar to the Three Princesses documentary. 

In this documentary, there are three Princes one of whom is in exile and another who is gay. They gay scenes were off-putting to me. Otherwise it was a great documentary. Just when I thought my life was intense or overwhelming, it isn't as overwhelming as the life of a Prince who is also gay on top of that. I love only women but loving women can be overwhelming. I don't want to make mistakes with women. I want to be 100% perfect in my life in all its aspects. I wish to have a 100% perfect girlfriend. That has never happened or else every single girlfriend I have ever had is 100% perfect. "To all the girls I've loved before..." 

Sunday, January 15, 2023

Today at Church I was asked if I would be interested in doing the soundboard. Certain microphones go on at certain times and the soundboard activates the microphones with a push of a button plus the equalizer has to be cranked up to a certain setting. I was asked before and refused. I am lazy and have anxiety. But this time I agreed thinking it would be a new experience. I agreed only to do it the first Sunday of every month. This is presumably a volunteer job. Or a voluntold job. 

Since then I thought that here is another group of people wanting to take advantage of my kindness. My friend Terry Edwards once said, "Don't go to Church. If they sense that you're real, you become a real battery for those vampires, convert, convert, convert." And Terry Edwards also once said, "If they sense any kind of special energy about you, they'll try to conscript you into their weird shit."

Of course Terry's option was to drink as many beers as possible and to smoke as much weed as possible which is just as bad if not a worse lifestyle. 

They won't pay me but I might like the job. I like apps and computers and that seems a simple enough job. I could put it on my resume. Yeah, right. Resume for what? I only said I'd do it the first Sunday of every month because I like to go to other Churches. And also at the Church I was asked to do the soundboard, I like to sit near the large stained glass window which is out of view of the soundboard. I'll try it a few times. If I like it, I'll keep going. If not then I'll quit. I'm not legally or even morally required to do it. 

Wrong thinking: Anything worth doing is worth doing right. 

Right thinking: Anything too difficult isn't worth doing at all. 

Wrong thinking: Never put off to tomorrow what you could do today. 

Right thinking: Never do today what you could put off to tomorrow. 

Wrong thinking: It is better to do something and get something than it is to do nothing and get nothing. 

Right thinking: It is better to do nothing and get something than it is to do something and get nothing. 

Wrong thinking: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. 

Right thinking: If at first you don't succeed, try again and then quit.

All of this wrong thinking and right thinking applies to the soundboard job at the Church. At any Church. 

I went to another Church in the afternoon. I want to get the Sunday vibes. Often if you chase it, you don't get the Sunday vibes. It just sets in when you're not looking for it. 

Today I watched the movie Thor Love and Thunder. 

"Whenever you feel lost, look into the eyes of those who love you." Thor Love and Thunder

Thor Love and Thunder was a great movie. The story was profound. Spoilers ahead: A man's daughter dies. He becomes so angry at the gods that he takes a mystic evil vorpal sword and kills many small gods and gets the name the god butcher. Invariably and inevitably, Thor fights with the god butcher to the center of the Universe where anyone can make any wish. At this point the god butcher is dying. Instead of wishing for Revenge, the GB wishes for love and wishes for his daughter to come back to life. Thor agrees to adopt and to take care of this daughter. 

Monday, January 16, 2023

Woke up with no fear. Last night's dream not really remembered. I kind of remember it. A Zen saying is "Not twice again this day, Inch time, Foot gem." An inch of time is worth a foot of gems. This day will never come again. When looking back, it was a waste of time to spend it in fear. I remember that I feared the days when Heather lived here and I worked for her 7 days a week. Sometimes in being a caregiver, one stops thinking that the caregiving will make the patient get better. That delusion is discarded for the realization that the caregiving merely prevents them from getting worse but some patients will never get better. Anyways, I now sometimes miss the days when Heather was living here. Those were the golden days of old. Now Heather is living somewhere else at a nice social housing unit. That's life. I was the one doing the work. She was the one getting worked for. And she gets the social housing unit while I'm stuck here. Sometimes you do something and life gives you nothing in return. 

I thank God for waking up healthy and in no pain. I thank God for the beautiful sunlight because pre-Spring time and early Spring has the most beautiful sunlight of any time in the year. I thank God for the good music that YouTube has introduced me to. 

Worry is another word for saying "What if?" all the time. What if this happens? What if that happens? Most of the time our worries never happen or else it happens but isn't as bad as we thought it would be. But sometimes things do happen worse than we thought like the sudden death of a friend or a neighbour. But even then, we handle it better than we thought we would. If we don't handle it as good as we thought we would, we would recover from that like I recovered from my PTSD burnout, exhaustion panic attack nervous breakdown of the Summer of 2021. During that time, I thought I wouldn't last a month let alone a year or up until now. 

I still worry about my upcoming molar extraction. I've had tons of molars extracted. There were edgy moments but I got through it and it was smoother than I thought. Sometimes I'd be in pain for a few hours afterwards but I took T3s which I had no problem with then. I used to take T3s and then smoke weed. I don't do that anymore. A post extraction pain can be dealt with using ibuprofen and acetaminophen and no weed. That's how I dealt with my last extraction tooth pain. 

When I smoke weed, I have a manic episode. I say out loud, "I'm crazy. I'm really crazy. On a scale of one to ten my craziness is at an 11. I want to be 100% perfect and normal but wind up being crazy. And I think that people hate me or want to kill me."

Life is not over after 50 despite what I might think. 

I would do cartoons again if I was living in an inspiring and inspirational situation. My situation isn't inspirational. I am living in a rooming house with a noisy neighbour upstairs. I am a caregiver to a handicapped lady who isn't getting better and my caregiving is merely preventing her from getting worse. I have created cartoons and the forces of life return that energy with an energy that is suckling the artistic wind out of my artistic sails. It's a sad set up. 

I would paint an inspiring picture of me living in a nice apartment in Vancouver in Kitsilano or near UBC. I would have a new girlfriend who I have a major sexual chemistry with and who inspires me and is my muse. 

Otherwise I won't be able to do cartoons ever again. I was doing cartoons recently on a tablet with a cracked screen with not much memory. I need a new tablet where I have lots of memory and a screen that is normal and not cracked. 

However I do love Heather very much and do not want to see things getting worse for her so I work for her. I can not move because I have too many things to move so the things I have keep me here. I'd have to hire a moving van and that can be expensive. 

"The things you own end up owning you." Fight Club 

Or I could move bringing the minimum amount of things I need and just start over elsewhere. I've done it before. The Murphy's Law of moving is that you always leave behind something that later on you wish you took with you. That's life. 

Until I am in an inspiring situation, I won't do cartoons ever again. Of course there's no widespread public demand for them. 

HPA axis. 

Hypothalamus - corticotrphin releasing hormone CRH. Hypothalamus regulates and notices changes in body temperature. 

Pituitary gland - adrenocorticotropic hormone ACTH. Also emits oxytocin which is a feel good chemical. 

Adrenal gland - releases cortisol. Adrenal from the Latin, close to the kidneys. 

I visited Heather today. Heather gave me a Starbucks ham and egg muffin sandwich. 

We went to the mall as she had to use the ATM. Then we returned. 

I watched two movies on Plex. They were about 27 minutes each. 

One was called The Guardian. It's about a man who died and in the afterlife has to be the guardian of a man named Eric. Eric goes through a few troubles. I won't spoil it. There is a twist ending to this film and the point of the film is that there is a plan for everyone. The director of this film is Andy Blithe. 

The next film, Tide of Ghosts, is about two friends named Andrew and George. George has died and is a ghost and George wants Andrew to help him find his body. 

In my life, King George VI is the first dead member of the BRF I have seen in a dream and was it ever vivid. I was sitting at a round table outdoors. It was a cloudy day. I felt that someone was standing behind me. Then I looked up and saw King George VI. He was the one from the history books and films that I learned in history in grade 12, I thought. He was looking at me and smiling. I said, "Wow!" And Prince Andrew is the first living member of the BRF I have ever seen. I saw him at the highland games. He was standing in the distance. I might not have seen him but luckily I happened to be standing near a group of people and one man in the group said, "There he is. He is wearing a light coloured suit." 

George and Andrew were also members of the music group WHAM! of whom I am a fan of their music and have been for decades. 

The News says a celebrity, Gina Lollibrigida died at age 95. If her birthday already happened, she was born in 1927, if her birthday is later in this year, she was born in 1928. You can't tell what year a person was born in just hearing their age. 

Time reversal symmetry or T symmetry says that time also flows backwards. 

Say there is two blocks, one is hot and the other is cold. When you put them together, they will reach a certain average temperature. Entropy isn't increasing chaos and disorder, entropy is when something resches a point where it can't change any further like the temperature of the two blocks. 

On a macrosomic level it seems that time is flowing in one direction but in a macro cosmic level, some sets of particles achieve reverse entropy. That is scientific evidence of time flowing backwards. 

Another example is that on a path, there are dips and valleys where the path goes down into the valley and then goes up away from the valley. One could walk the path in either direction and the valleys would be there. 

Another example is a pendulum man on top of a pole. He swings to and fro and one can't tell whether he is flinging forwards in time or backwards in time because it looks uniform. Those are some examples of T symmetry I found on the internet. Time is an algorithm. This is in addition to the algorithm that time travel is time experienced in an objective level and the way we are going through time is time experienced on a subjective level. The passage of time is an illusion as all things are happening simultaneously. Also that it seems that time goes forward is time experienced on a subjective level. Objectively, time is flowing forwards and backwards and probably sideways too. Science is baffling. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2023

Today I visited Heather. I brought some CLR cleaning liquid and cleaned Heather's bathroom. She gave me an egg muffin sandwich. 

I went to to the Supermarket to get some Udon noodles. Then I went to Craigdarroch Castle and walked around there for 19 minutes. 

I visited Heather again as earlier I talked with an employee where Heather works. The employee is a great guy and friendly. He said that in order for me to possibly move to where Heather lives, I'd need a health team to be monitoring me and he would put in a recommendation as he said he'd like to see me move there. I went back to say I didn't want a health team to be monitoring me. What would they be monitoring me for? I'm not majorly mental. I have garden variety anxiety and although I do get very paranoid when I smoke weed, that paranoia wears off in an hour or two. So I don't want a health team monitoring and so I wouldn't be moving there. 

I still worry about where I will move to next and what about all the things in my room? I guess I'll just take the minimum things and start over elsewhere. When I move to a new place, hopefully I can get a Samsung 55" Q80 HDTV. I won't ever need a TV larger than 55". 65" is too big. I'm too old for any television larger than 55". When I was in my 20s, you would have needed to win the lottery to get a 32" glass television let alone a 55" high definition television. 

A 55" Samsung Q80 television is $1,300 at London Drugs not including 12% tax and environmental fee. What. Am I Elon Musk? I'm not rich enough to be just flinging $1,300 for a television when I already have a television. It's Murphy's Law. As soon as you get a nice cutting edge expensive television, soon you will see a nicer and more cutting edge television that is equally expensive or else the same television you just got but for cheaper. 

Looking at the Samsung Q80, I don't think it's possible to ever make a nicer television in the future. But I thought the same thing 7 years ago when I got my Samsung 40" 1080p television at the pawn shop. They will never make a television nicer than this one. Famous last words. 

If you've never seen a Samsung Q80 television, you got to check it out. 

There is the Q80A which looks better during the day, it has anti glare reflection technology and has only one HDMI outlet. 

The Q80B looks better at night it has more vibrant reds and has 4 HDMI outlets. I'd go for the Q80B. I doubt it. The Q80B is too expensive. I already have a 4K 55" which I got at Shoppers Drug Mart on sale for $399 three years ago. I'll only get a new TV once every ten years. Can I still get a Samsung Q80B in a few years? 

Wednesday, January 18, 2023

Today I returned a DVD I watched last night. It was Downton Abbey A New Era. The movie is about a 1920s film crew going to Downton Abbey to film a silent movie. Then the film crew realized that silent movies were going out of style and the movie had to be changed into a talkie. This happened in real life with the movie Alfred Hitchcock's Blackmail. The blonde actress looked otherworldly beautiful in this movie. Then the movie was about an estate in Southern France which was the secondary plot. Downton Abbey is set in the 1920s. I feel major fernweh and anemia when I watch Downton Abbey or any historical period movies set in London England. 

Fernweh - nostalgia for a place you've never been to.

Anemoia - nostalgia for a time you've never lived in. 

I wish I was rich like the people of Downton Abbey. Instead I'm poor and living in a rooming house hotel. 

Today I went to the Birdcage confectionary in James Bay. They sell zigzag blue cigarette papers for $1.88 while downtown, it is sold for $3.15 which is outrageous. The Birdcage confectionary didn't have any zigzag bkue papers today. Sold out. I got a longjohn donut, an apple fritter, Reese's  peanut butter chips and a tootsie roll all for around $5. 

Emily Carr would have gone to the Birdcage confectionary hundreds of times. The Birdcage confectionary was around when she was alive. 

Then I went to the Church which has an open house on Wednesdays. My friend Laura with the dog was supposed to be there to meet me. She didn't show up. I waited for 45 minutes and thought, That's it, I'm not waiting any longer. 

I then went to the mall to get a lunch at the Sizzling Wok. I was careful to avoid a certain street corner which I have been avoiding for half a month and counting. That's the street corner that the delinquent street fundraisers operate. They have a table set up there. Today they weren't there. I hope they don't come back. Good riddance if they don't. I avoid that corner like Indiana Jones avoided stepping on certain cobblestones in that temple in South America where the golden idol was. 

Lots of delinquents in this town. Some delinquent spray painted on the picture of Queen Victoria which pisses me off to no end. Damn delinquents. There's more and more of them. Clearly the World is getting worse. Is life even worth living? I don't know. I want to feel bliss. I wind up feeling mildly depressed with a splash of anxiety pretty much every day. Life is dismal and maybe worth living, maybe not. 

I sometimes wish my life was over yet I fear death and the afterlife which is quite the existential dilemma. My only option is to face a dismal boring future full of depression and anxiety and very little bliss. Damn it all. 

The song The Middle from Jimmy Eats World is an inspirational pep talk encapsulated in a song. Everything's going to be all right.... until it isn't. For eg when a person is dying of a painful terminal illness in a hospice for the dying. Maybe things will be all right when they die and are in the afterlife. Or is it? What if there is no heaven and they are sent to some purgatory full of dark primordial spirit forces? 

Thursday, January 19, 2023

Woke up with a slight smile after having another heavenly dream. Every morning it's, Thank God for the gift of life before I even get out of bed. I saw a Debbie Hellion video this morning. Apparently some of the 100 extra Police Officers the Mayor of Vancouver said he'd hire for the downtown eastside have their boots on the ground. A lot less tents. That's the best news in a long time although it doesn't personally affect me as I don't live there. The future could be good. 

The News can cause people to live vicariously through the fortunes and misfortunes of others. People get happy or upset at News stories about people who live in far off places that don't directly personally affect them. 

I have to get a credit card with a $1,000 limit next month. That way, I can stay in hotels in Vancouver. All hotels in Vancouver need a credit card even the cheap 3 star hotels. Even if I can't or won't move back to Vancouver, staying there for two or three days is a good compromise. Vancouver is the only place I'm willing to travel to. All plans to travel to Europe are scrapped although a few years ago I thought I could do it. Going to Europe is too overwhelming. It would cause anxiety although yesterday, I had no anxiety at all. First anxiety free day in years. I was listening to the Stingray music channel on television of all 70s hits. 70s music is 50 years old. Can you believe it? Too old. Yet it is magical and I love it. It brings me back to the 70s.

The music of the 70s is way better than the music of today. 

The 70s were a simpler time. Were they a better time? That's called rosy retrospection which is the delusion that the past was better. The past had just as much anxiety and depression as today and the technology of the past was less advanced. Back then portable music was on cassettes and cassette tapes were often enough eaten by the cassette machine in a big clunky portable cassette player. Today music is on digital mp3 and you could load up to 650 songs on an 8Gb mp3 player that fits in the palm of the hand. 

Inflation is only shocking if you're old. The old can remember a time when $20 bought as much groceries as $100 does today. The really old remeber a time when $5 bought as much groceries as $100 does today. The young don't remember that. To the young, today's prices is an accepted standard. Of course prices at the grocery is prorated to minimum wage and wages in general. In the early 80s, minimum wage was $4.00 an hour. Today its $15 an hour or thereabouts. 

I visited the Church Office and a nice lady who works there talked to me about my sudden depression I got today. I was depressed about getting oald and not sure if I wanted to go through with it. 

Then I visited Heather and she gave me some Valentine's Day gifts. I also found out that yesterday was welfare cheque day which is not the first time I found out from a girlfriend that welfare day is this week rather than next week. My girlfriend from years ago, Maria once asked me, "What are you going to get today?" I asked, "Why do you ask?" She said, "Welfare day is today." I told her that I thought it was next week. 

Me and Heather went to Burger King today. 

I saw a few ladies around town whom are my friends. When you stay in a town for a few years, you accumulate lady friends. Seeing those ladies cheered me up and made me feel better about staying in this town. 

I got a major anxiety attack this evening worried about my future, worried about getting old and worried about where I am going to live next. I can't live in a tent on the streets. I wouldn't last a month! I am also worried about love in general. If I chase love from ladies, I can't find it right away. But if I resolve to avoid love, I can't avoid it either because ladies will look for me for love and find me when I least expect it. That's from experience. 

All these things give me anxiety and will for life. I still have sex anxiety. When I even think about sex, I get a painful burning feeling in the stomach. I'm doomed. 

Getting back to the depression, I often hope that God would end my life rather than to go through a future of depression and anxiety. Surprisingly, the lady I talked with at the Church Office said that she herself has had these kinds of thoughts too. 

There is no such thing as everything is going to be all right. Never will there be any point in life where there is no problems. The problems now will eventually go away but it will be replaced with other problems and those problems too will go away only to be replaced with yet newer problems etc etc for as long as one lives. But there is no such thing as everything will be all right. Not for everyone. Everything will be all right, all problems will go away even new problems but then one day there will be the day of death, but everything will be all right because the vast majority of people make it to heaven or else some really good place. Except that those who did really bad things in life like kill a lot of people for no reason, everything won't be all right for them because they will go to hell. They will go to the World that they created for others during their life on Earth. 

I misplaced or lost my Anonymous DVD. I wouldn't throw it away or sell it. This one is precious. I hope I find it. Anonymous is a movie about William Shakespeare. I still have not found my Anonymous DVD. I think I sold it or gave it away to the hotel DVD and Blu ray library downstairs and someone walked off with it. But all the other DVDs I gave to the hotel DVD and Blu Ray library are still there. It is a loose DVD with no box. Maybe St Anthony can help me find it provided it is still in this room. 

Tonight I am on the anxiety express. Wall to wall anxiety. Anxiety with a vengeance. The only consolation is when or if I get over this, I can give really good advice to those suffering from anxiety. Tha nxiety isn't so bad that I have to be hospitalized. I'd know it if it was. I'm sure I'm not suffering the worst anxiety anyone has ever suffered, like Guiness Book of World Records level of anxiety. That level of anxiety would require hospitalization and sedation with stelazine and barbiturates. 

I drank Coca Cola ordered at Burger King with Heather. Hello. Coca Cola has caffeine. Caffeine gives me anxiety. It didn't used to. Caffeine or coffee early in the morning is supposed to make the body feel good. Now that I'm old, over 50, caffeine makes me feel bad anxiety. However I've seen people older than me drink coffee with no problems at all. 

I am psychologically allergic to caffeine. 

Caffeine doesn't actually give more energy. It blocks the receptors in the brain that make one feel tired. Namely the adenosine receptors. 

Yogi Tea - Restful Sleep with chamomile, skullcap and valerian root is an anxiolytic meaning that it relieves anxiety. 

Friday, January 20, 2023

Today I went to Shaw Cable and to Walmart. I bought some dim sum at Walmart because every time anyone thinks of Walmart, they think of dim sum.

Today, there was a belligerent man on the bus. He was shaking his shoulders violently and swearing. I got off the bus at Mayfair Mall which I was going to go visit today anyways after I went to Walmart. I didn't know if the record store at Mayfair Mall was open early. But it was. So in a way seeing that belligerent man on the bus was good. The bus stop was near the Mall on the way there but on the way back, there was a bit of a walk to the bus stop. My landlord said that whenever he sees belligerent people on the bus, he just gets off the bus and wait for another. 

At Mayfair Mall, I got Animal House on Blu Ray. I already have it on DVD but wanted to see it on Blu ray. There are extras on the Blu ray that are not on the DVD. 

Afterwards, I went to visit Heather. I got her a steak and some potato salad as I usually do. 

Then I went home. I ate a whole bag of beef and pork dumplings all in one sitting. It's Chinese Lunar New Year tomorrow. 

Today, I watched No Way Out on YouTube. It is a 1 hour 45 minute documentary from Gabor Gasztonyi. It is quite a gritty documentary about the lives of two junkie couples in the downtown eastside. There is one scene that depicts pus dripping from an abscess caused from shooting up too much. It is not for the faint of heart. The documentary made me decide to never move to the downtown eastside of Vancouver however boring this town can be and however homesick for Vancouver I get. I'd live anywhere in Vancouver except for the downtown eastside which is too hardcore. This town is hardcore enough but Vancouver's DTES is on another level. Commercial drive would be a nice neighbourhood to live in. 

Worries don't reflect the true reality. Worries are as much about what  you don't know as much as what you do know.

At the Vancouver public library is a sign that reads, "Words Don't Fit The Picture". Worries are often words that don't reflect the true picture. 

There is a lot said about a top down narrative. Worries are a down to top narrative. 

I got a warning from blogger. "This post is under review." In nearly 18 years of using blogger, I never got a warning. It scared me a little. I used some profanity in a posting which I since deleted. Blogger doesn't like profanity such as the f word etc. Also I mentioned something about thinking about fighting. 

I hope to never get a warning ever again. I couldn't edit my blog during the warning. I reverted the blog to draft and deleted the profanity and the words about fighting since blogger has a policy about not writing about any threats to anyone or any perceived threats. I will have to be more careful from now on. No swearing is the main thing. I talked to my girlfriend about this and she said it was most likely about the profanity. 

Whenever I write a note over computer to a politician and also to my dentist, I am sure not to write any swear words. Some people would think nothing of writing a letter to a politician that has swear words. I would never do that. 

I have a slight pain in my upper lip. I never had this before. All my other pains went away including pain in my gums on the lower left side and also that pain on my genitals. This pain should go away too. That slight clicking in my ears also went away. The pain in my upper lip is activated when I puff up my cheeks and blow. I think it is either something stuck in the gums of my front teeth or else an ingrown mustache hair on my upper lip. 

There is a DVD in the hotel's DVD and blu ray library called Big Fish. Years ago I had a small goldfish in this hotel. The hotel has a no pets policy but goldfish are permitted. I called the goldfish Big Fish which was my endearing term for it. A few days before it died, it swam quickly across the tank and the gold coloring on its body flickered. I like to think that it knew I was there and did that for me. That goldfish was my 'Big Fish'. My goldfish died because my set up was primitive. No gravel on the floor of the tank, just an aerator. A goldfish tank needs good gravel, some real or plastic plants, a good aerator and a water filter would help. It also needs a pH test kit and chemicals to adjust the pH of the tank. Goldfish don't need a water heater but it would somewhat help. Also algae eaters or loaches keep the tank clean however I have seen goldfish eat algae eaters. You need an algae eater that is larger than the goldfish since goldfish consider any fish smaller than it as prey. 

Saturday, January 21, 2023

This morning, I went to see the IMAX movie Ancient Caves. Spelunking and cave diving would be very anxiety inducing as well as claustrophobic. There are people who are going through more anxiety inducing things than I ever have or ever will go through. 

Ancient Caves is about a female University professor Dr Gina Mosely from the University of Minnesota who collects samples of stalagmites in caves. Stalactites are from the top but they only contain recent data. Stalagmites are on the bottom and they catch and collect accumulated data. The Earth's polar axis shifts and wobbles in 100,000 year cycles and the Earth's path around the sun goes from circular to ellipse every 100,000 years. This results in an ice age every 100,000 years. Carbon dioxide in the atmosphere trap heat and warmth for Earth's climate. During an ice age, as oceans turn to ice, the ice absorbs the CO2. When the ice age is over, CO2 is released into the atmosphere and ozone layer and the Earth is warmer. From the data collected from stalagmites, the University student found out that over the last 800,000 years, the Earth's CO2 levels haven't been more than 300 ppm, parts per million. But today, the Earth's CO2 levels are 415 ppm! This is due to humans industrial technology. 

I learned that from watching this IMAX movie and I concluded that's why governments across the planet want a Net Zero carbon emission policy by the year 2050. Prince William has an Earth Shot prize for any University students who can think of ways to reduce carbon emissions. 

I most likely won't be around in 2050. In 2050, I'd be 80 and I would bet money against me reaching 80 because I'm somewhat of a pessimist. Either way I lose. I die before 80 or else I reach 80 which is a wretchedly old age. What is there left to live for at 80? There is nothing new under the sun. There's nothing to live for after age 50, let alone age 80. After 50, my sex drive has plummeted which isn't much of a reason for me to go on living. 

Then I went to Thrifty's to get some oysters and a 2l bottle of Schweppes ginger ale. Then I walked to the beach. 

One day, I want to watch the Brendan Fraser movie, The Whale. It's supposed to be pretty good. The actor Johnathon Quan said that the movie The Whale left him in tears for two hours after the movie. 

"This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it." Often when I say that, I wind up having a better than average day. Today I lived in luxury. I had one can of beer with oysters. Then I steamed two lobster tails I got on sale for $7 off at Thrifty Foods. I had melted butter with the lobster tails. It shrinks slightly when steamed. Then I had a piece of an $8 steak which I got at Walmart yesterday. It was a good afternoon. I slept for 20 minutes in the afternoon. I woke up with a slight hangover. Tonight I had rice with some steak and a couple of oysters which I saved. I still have some steak left over. This was the first time I drank in months. It was a heavenly experience. I watched some Jean Claude Van Couver videos on YouTube about the Vancouver Museum, the Vancouver Maritime Museum and of Jericho Hostel. One can of beer every few months is the limit for me. I didn't feel any anxiety this afternoon. One can of beer + oysters + steamed lobster tails with melted butter + steak = luxury. 

My next door neighbor left at 5 am this morning. He hasn't come back. Now I am worried what happened to him. Best case scenario, he went to Nanaimo to visit his family. Worst case scenario. He woke up in pain early in the morning, went to the hospital and he might have died. Worry is as much about what I don't know as much as what I do know. I didn't know he left at 5. My other neighbor told me this. 

Update: The next day, on Sunday the 22nd, I found out that my next door neighbour is house sitting for one of his relatives. 

Sunday, January 22, 2023

Today at Church I worked the sound system. I had some anxiety abut it beforehand but it worked great. The entire hour seemed to go in about ten minutes. 

At Church me and some friends talked about living to 80. I said that I don't think I'll live to 80. Maybe 70 something, tops. Anyone at 80 looks awful and wretched. And there are all kinds of bodily pains. Forget it. I wouldn't want to live to 80 anyways. There is absolutely nothing to live for at 80. It's all downhill after 50 and not in a good way. All the magic of life is lost at 50. This is only speaking for myself. Hopefully it's better for you. 

In my opinion, a long life is over rated. A short life is under rated. Again, that's only speaking for myself. If I got something to live for, a long life is good. If I don't really have anything to live for, a long life would be a waste of time. It would be existentially counterproductive. I don't really have anything that much worth living for. Life is tawdry and tedious. 

Afterwards I went to Pagliacci's Italian restaurant and order a seafood pasta to go. The Shell Game. It was good. Very large sized caramelized scallops. 

I visited Heather today. 

I watched the movie Big Fish. It's a good movie about an old man who likes to tell fictional stories about his life previously. 

Monday, January 23, 2023

Thank God for the gift of life. Thank God for helping me with my life. 

I am afraid of myself. I fear my own negative tendencies such as smoking tobacco and picking up garbage off the street to throw it in the garbage can which I do to keep the streets clean and also to clear the street of any possible slipping hazards. I also pick up round rocks for this reason. This is OCD or else detail oriented behavior. 

Worry is about voices in our heads and also of thoughts. These voices and thoughts are not who you are. Who you are is the watcher or observer of these voices and thoughts. 

My neighbor returned today. Any fears that he died are out the window. Pastor Joel Osteen said, "Most of the things we worry about never come to pass."

Today I visited the sweetness, Heather. I helped her apply for a government of Canada $500 housing supplement which I also applied for. I am at a point in my life that I don't know what to do with an extra $500 except maybe get lots of restaurant meals. I already got a TV. I wouldn't use the $500 to go towards a Samsung Q80 TV. One day hopefully the technology for the Q80 goes mainstream as different television manufacturers reverse engineer that technology. There are all kinds of Samsung Q television models such as Q60, Q85, etc. I think it's an OLED TV with a quantum processor. Sounds very high tech. Anyways that's irrelevant. Who would say no to an extra $500 especially someone on welfare? I only worry that some junkies would apply for that and spend it mostly on crack cocaine and fentanyl or maybe even crystal meth but that's not my problem. 

In the old days, war was a population control. These days it's economic forces including government stipends alloted to junkies which could potentially hasten their death through a sudden windfall which enables them to go on a drug binge of Olympian proportions. 

I already have everything that money can buy that I would want including a 55" 4K TV, a 4K up scaling blu ray player and 2 YDD lightsabers which emit 16 colors. 

If I had a real lot of money, would I get a BMW? No. A car is a money pit and high maintenance too. Gas, parking meter fees, insurance, and maintenance. Drive a car, get into a bad accident. It's better not to have a car in the first place. Driving a car is a hassle. After the novelty wears off, driving a car is a chore especially in traffic jams. Riding the bus where the bus driver is the chauffeur is better. I would've wanted an 80s model BMW but that's an anachronism now. 

Tuesday, January 24, 2023

Woke up feeling overwhelmed. My crazy brain has cranked out yet another crazy dream. I must be losing my mind. I then thought of a couple of people whom I was slightly angry at. Months ago, I was too scared to get angry. Now my anger is coming back. That's not good. Anger is never a good thing. But then one shouldn't be happy about everything. Being happy and not angry about being exploited or made to lose face isn't right either. I don't know what to do. Life is too overwhelming. 

I went to the Library today and got Anonymous on blu ray plus a few other movies including The Kingsman. I visited the Church christ Church Cathedral. They have a Robbie Burns event tomorrow at 7 pm. It costs $50 and has Scottish treats including whisky and Scottish entertainment. I'm not going. Too pricey. And whisky is not a priority for me at all. 

I went to Subway and used $10 of my $20 gift card to get a steak and avocado sub. 

I went to visit Heather this evening. She is fine. She told me that "Fear is a natural instinct which forces us to improve and be better."

I felt anxiety all day. I don't really feel connected with the forces of life. 

I looked at granny porn today. This is the brain I have to work with for the rest of my life?! What a pervert I am. My taste in porn is wretched. 

I am crazy enough. To do myself in would be even more crazy. I am going to go on living. One day surely I will feel happy and content and free from fear and anxiety. With God's help. 

Tomorrow is molar extraction day for me. I am somewhat terrified of it. Heather told me not to work myself up too much about it as it will make it worse. I'll tell you how it went. 

Last night I had a dream about Suzie. I feel guilty sometimes in deciding not to see her again but no one owes anyone a lifelong friendship. I don't like the terms and structure of the friendship. I will always wish her well though. 

One day, I'll be back in the saddle again. When that day comes I'll know it. 

"I'm back in the saddle again." Aerosmith 

Wednesday, January 25, 2023

I went to the dentist and got my molar extracted. It wasn't nearly as painful as I expected it to be. Basically not painful at all. As usual I worried for nothing. 

My dentist said that as soon as he started removing my molar, some pus oozed out of it. Good thing I had it removed when I did! 

In the old days people generały didn't live much longer than 50 and that's as long as adult teeth can last without outgrowing their use and rotting etc. 

Now people live much longer and teeth need to be removed to feel good in old age. 

""The best thing in life is to get 'shut of' your teeth as early in life as possible.""  ""Teeth is a misery."" George Orwell, The Road To Wigan Pier 

A Scottish doctor named John Smith was the first to name the teeth molars, incisors, cuspids, bicuspids etc. 

Sharks have been around since before the dinosaurs. Sharks were around even before trees were around! Sharks were the first animal on the planet to have teeth. Humans somehow evolved from sharks which would explain a lot! 

If a sharks tooth falls out they can grow them back endlessly throughout its life. Too bad humans can't do that. Scientists are trying to isolate that gene and perhaps CRISPR it to human genes. Unfortunately some humans such as yours truly has bone loss at the bones of the jaws which makes teeth regrowing somewhat difficult. Bone loss isn't osteoporosis which is loss of bone density. Bone loss is an eroding of the bone itself. 

Bone loss can be treated with complicated surgery including bone grafts, either autogeous grafts which is grating with a bone from one's own body or allograft which is a graft with a bone from someone else's body. Sounds scary. 

Last night I discovered an app called Cetus TV. It has the latest oves and TV shows. It really is amazing. Last night I was watching The Last of Us on this app. I discovered this through an ad on another app. 

Miixy is another good app that is similar. The latest movies and TV shows with some ads for their ad revenue. 

I walked to the beach today. I couldn't stay home all day. 

I'll wait the borrow The Whale on DVD from the Library. The Menu looks like a good movie with a Twist ending. Next month M Night Shyamalan is releasing a movie and his movies always have a twist ending. 

I had anxiety all throughout the day. Anxiety about the future and about miniscule decisions basically about what to eat tomorrow. Matthew chapter 5. Jesus told us not to worry. He said that worry doesn't benefit your life or health one little bit. Jesus said don't worry about food and clothing. 

I am feeling anxiety about watching The Last Of Us. It seems like a gut wrenching show. So far I watched the first half of the first episode. New episodes are released on Sundays. 

There are bacterial pandemics like ebola. And there are viral pandemics like covid and Spanish flu, yellow fever and dengue fever. The premise of The Last of Us is a fungal pandemic. Funguses like ergot found in Lsd and psilocybin cubensis magic mushroom and amanita muscaria magic mushroom  can take over a person's brain. Given enough funguses or fungi and enough time, these Funguses can also take over the body turning a person into a zombie. This has already happened in real life to some species of ants but it hasn't happened to humans - yet. Now that's a boatload of scary. 

Bacteria has DNA. Viruses have RNA. Funguses have DNA and RNA. 

Some theories say that the French Revolution was launched as a result of some people eating bread that had ergot. Ergot is a four stage sclerotia fungus that can develop on grain. My advice is to not try Lsd. Don't do it. It will fry your brain. It is not a recreational drug. It is a disaster for the brain. The best way to live is clean and sober. Maybe have one can of beer once or twice a year. That's all. And while doing that, eat something and take ibuprofen and multivitamins and also during the hangover phase, drink soft drinks as sugar is massively depleted in the body when alcohol is consumed. The last time I drank beer, I had raw oysters and also steamed lobster tails and also I had steak. 

The Last of Us is like The Walking Dead or else Z starring Brad Pitt. 

If there was a real fungus human pandemic, there would be contact tracing and also the military would be called in to neutralize aka kill humans infected. Hopefully this never happens in real life or else we're all dead. 

If I was infected with a fungus that could turn me into a zombie, I'd be taken to a yard and shot by the military. 

I hope I can get over my anxiety and watch the first two episodes so far released of The Last Of Us. 

In a The Last Of Us universe, the war in Ukraine may be good luck in some weird way. Ukraine exports grain. In The Last Of Us, the substrate for the fungal infection was a grain factory in Jakarta Indonesia. 

I already watched the first two episodes of TLOU. No anxiety. It talks a lot about the in universe fictional rebel group The Fireflies. 

I seen the video game, TLOU gameplay on YouTube. It's a lot like the show or vice versa. Similar to Uncharted, this is a show based on a video game. In the old days, video games were based on shows. 

Thursday, January 26, 2023

Woke up feeling relatively good. No fear or anxiety. I still smoke tobacco but not very much. 

There is a good band that YouTube recommendations recommended me. It's the BB&Q Band. Their songs are absolutely smoking! The Brooklyn, Bronx, and Queens Band.

I recommend the song On The Beat. It came up on YouTube recommendations. The things that YouTube recommendations have brought up over the years were from heaven and have saved my life and has saved my spirit. I think that YouTube will be available in heaven. This is proof.

I visited Heather today. We went to Burger King. 

I woke from an afternoon nap. I have massive anxiety. Food anxiety. Knowing I have to eat but not quite feeling like eating. 

In life there is fear of death. In the afterlife, there is fear of eternity or apeirophobia. It's a no win situation. 

Even though in the afterlife, one is no longer attached or hooked up to their hypothalamus, and adrenaline gland and amygdala, spiritual fear without the amygdala etc is a much deeper form of fear. 

I think I'm losing my mind. I hope things get better for me. I've been feeling uneasy like this for at least 10 years or more. Perhaps decades. I don't know what to do except to go on loving and to endure this. 

"I major in minor strife and inconsequential irritations." Lucky Hank, Bob Odenkirk

"The hardest thing about it is thinking it's hard." TV ad

Should I see a psychiatrist about my anxiety? The old school teaches, "It's all in your head. You're otherwise normal. Shake it off."

Often with anxiety, breathing, drinking liquids, eating and sleeping will help. Being dehydrated or hungry can cause anxiety. 

Friday, January 27, 2023

Woke up feeling overwhelmed. Life has its thousand and one details to be tended to. I often wonder if I'm crazy. 

The YouTube video, Amazing Angel Experiences - Guest Benny Landrum from Ivory LaNoue. In that video, Ivory said she worked at a mental hospital. The director of that hospital once said to her, "If someone tells you that they think they're crazy, they're not. Crazy people don't know or care if they're crazy."

I feel depressed and have some anxiety every day. That's always been my personality and I probably will be like this for life. 

Usually with anxiety, one has anxiety before any given day or any given experience. Once they go through the day or go through the experience, they look back and say, that wasn't so bad. It went smoother than I thought. 

Today I saw Ancient Caves at the IMAX theater in 3D. 

Then I walked to the beach. I went to Thrifty Foods and got a $4 Cobb salad. It was on sale for $4 off as it was a day old salad. Then I went to James Bay Fish and Chips Chinese restaurant and got a salt and pepper squid. 

Today I saw the light at the end of the signal. With loads of advice from YouTube videos, I will one day get over my anxiety. Usually there are 3 or 4 days a year when I feel bliss. Otherwise it's depression and anxiety. 

Today I saw the movie M3gan on the Cetus app. M3gan is a movie about an advanced AI doll kind of like Furby crossed with Chucky. M3gan starts off as a primary caregiver to a young girl. This caregiving is brought to another level as M3gan kills those who are a threat to the young girl. It's a very riveting movie. I wonder if these dolls will become a reality in a few years? 

Saturday, January 28, 2023

Woke up not knowing what to think. I had a quasi heavenly dream. Every day has its thousand and one details. I wonder how I'm going to find strength to face the future. 

I went to the art gallery today. There is a free open house on until 5. At the art gallery, I put on some VR goggles. Then I saw a movie about Innocence Lost and then West Coast Architecture. There was an exhibit about 50s furniture. At this exhibit, I saw a gorgeous older lady. She was wearing a red sweater and had nice breasts. I sort of hung around for a few minutes and then I talked to her about beautiful paintings and how I wish I was around in the 50s. I didn't want to stalk her so I left soon after that. I did have a few glances at her. For awhile, I felt like I was in love. Total infatuation! 

"And with that, Mark Renton had fallen in love." Trainspotting 

But I know nothing about her. I assume that she is rich and therefore out of my league. Maybe she's married with children. I am still thinking about her. Seeing her and talking to her made me feel good. Too bad I'm shy otherwise I would try to pick her up. But that might not be successful. From experience, I've learned that women can seem like one thing but as soon as I get to know her more, she might not be the lady I thought she was. Woman can be very argumentative and bossy etc. 

About once a year, I meet a lady who really gives me good feelings. They are usually older women as I have a thing for older women. The lady I met has a great body. 

I then went to Ox King to have some noodles in red soup that I saw on the News yesterday. As I was sitting there, two female Police Officers sat at a table next to me and was facing me but not looking at me all the time. I didn't feel nervous as I did nothing wrong and I wasn't carrying any drugs but then I never carry drugs. Also if they wanted to bust me, they would have done so right then and there. They were beautiful young college girl Police Officers, blonde. 

I don't usually pick up women just like that. The women I connect with are the ones whom I have seen regularly for awhile. In the movies, guys pick up girls instantly, chat them up for a few minutes and later they are in bed getting it on. Real life doesn't happen like that. Or it does, but very very rarely. 

I kind of wish I stayed and talked to her some more but I didn't have anything to say except that I think she's beautiful but that would be too forward since meeting her was so sudden. Besides I often tell women that they're beautiful, but that's women I know well and have seen around for awhile. 

I do love Heather and I think she's beautiful as well. 

The News showed a shocking video about 5 Black Police Officers who killed someone named Tyre Nichols. But the News also showed a video about Police Officers who intercepted than man who attacked Paul Pelosi with a hammer and also a video about Police Officers in Buffalo who rescued a lot of people during a blizzard. 

Every once in a while some Police Officers make a mistake but these Police Officers get into major trouble with the Police Chief or else the Field Supervisor. Police Officers are intimidating to normal people. Police Chiefs and Police Field supervisors are intimidating to Police Officers! 

I only worry that the Police Officers who killed Tyre Nichols will one day themselves be killed as demonstrated in the movie End of Watch "Curbside Gang, putas!" 

Today I watched The Menu. It was a scary movie especially for someone with food anxiety such as yours truly.  It had some funny moments. The movie was similar to The Lobster with its strange rules. The Kingsman Ralph Fiennes is Chef Slowik. I have to see Cinnemasins Everything Wrong With The Menu to truly have this movie deconstructed. 

The menu is a truly original movie. I've never seen anything like it. 

The movie does resemble Agatha Christie Ten Little Indians and also The Lobster. 

Sunday, January 29, 2023

I went to the Presbyterian Church this morning and did the soundboard. I was worried about some people but these worries turned to nothing. 

I visited Heather today. We went to see the Chinatown parade but weren't able to see much as there were so many people there. We went to 7-11 and she got me a hot dog. 

I went to Church again in the afternoon, Christ Church Cathedral for the afternoon choir singing. 

I still fear the years ahead. Growing old seems scary to me. Anxiety is the imagination running wild. It's based as much on what I don't know as much as what I do know, which isn't much. A little here, a little there. 

"A little bit of learning is a dangerous thing. Drink deep or taste not the Pierian spring. There shallow draughts intoxicate the brain, And drinking largely sobers us again. " Alexander Pope

A little bit of learning is a dangerous thing. A doctor knows more about our bodies than we do. When we try to make guesses about the body based on what little we know, health anxiety sets in. 

I think I'll probably die at 70 or soon thereafter. But a doctor might say, "You're in good health. You'll live way past 70." Anyone could potentially live past 70 unless they get some weird disease like cancer or something. But two people in my hotel got cancer years ago. One got brain cancer and the other got liver cancer and they're still alive after going to the hospital and getting treatment. 

Monday, January 30, 2023

I woke up feeling a lot better. I watched a few documentaries on anxiety. The takeaways I got were, 

- there is no ending, there is just a new beginning. Losing all your money is not the end. It is the beginning of a new financial journey. Having a disease isn't the end. It's the beginning of a new path to healing. Death is not the end. It's the beginning of a new existence in the afterlife. Dr Paul Robinson said this.* 

- just because you think something it doesn't mean it's true.*

- anxiety is the negative imagination running wild. It's negative fortune telling. Instead try thinking that the future will be better than you could possibly imagine.*

- don't worry about what you can't control. You can't control it. Why worry? Don't worry about the things you can control. Since you can control it, why worry?* 

*source: Overcome Worry Anxiety and Rumination. from Positive Revolution. YouTube

*ibid

*ibid

*ibid

I saw a good Ted Talk. Douglas Bloch recommended it in his video, !0 Strategies For Dealing With Depression That Actually Work. The Ted Talk is Sleep Is Your Superpower from Matt Walker. 

Matt Walker said that one needs 8 hours of sleep every day. No less. Without this 8 hours of sleep, more cortisol is produced leading to anxiety and depression, it even has negative effects on the DNA itself. He also said that there is a worldwide sleep experiment called daylight savings time. When one hour of sleep is lost due to DST, there is a 24% increase in heart attacks. Conversely when there is a one hour added of sleep due to DST, there is a 24% decrease in heart attacks. 

Matt Walker has made longer videos on YouTube about the importance of getting enough sleep. I'll watch them eventually but this registers as a task or homework assignment. Personal tasks and personal  homework assignments give me anxiety. Well, I don't have to do any personal task. It's not like I'm legally required to. But when I do it, it's not as bad as I thought and usually turns out smoother than I thought. 

"Everything is impossible until it's done." Nelson Mandela 

I worry about old age or the years ahead, but that's just my negative imagination going into overtime. Einstein said that worry is a waste of imagination. I should imagine that my old age will go better than expected with some really good surprises better than I could possibly imagine. 

So far the evidence points to me living in this rooming house indefinitely and the next place I move to will be yet another rooming house. That's not a really good old age. So I dread that. This is when good imagination doesn't match with the empirical evidence of reality. 

Sam and Colby talked to Joe Rogan about being on the ship The Queen Mary. At one point, Sam and Colby asked the spirit in a haunted room on board the ship if there is a heaven. The spirit gave 3 knocks on the table meaning No. The two religious guys Sam and Colby were with said to leave immediately. The spirit that answered was a demon. Demons want people to not believe in heaven thus moving farther away from God.* There is a heaven. Believe it. 

*source: Sam & Colby's First Paranormal Incident On The Queen Mary. Powerful JRE. YouTube

The News said that a top US defense official said that armed conflict in 2025 highly likely. The News also said that the Canadian government would designate Russia's Wagner Group as a terrorist entity. These two News stories while seemingly mutually exclusive are instead rather intensely connected. 

There will be an election in Taiwan in 2024 where Taiwan is expected to install a US puppet President. This would piss off China to no end. 

The Wagner Group is a Russian based PMC or private military company. 

Blackwater now known as Academi is a US based PMC. While Russian based PMCs are designated as terrorists, US based PMCs are given carte blanche to operate where ever their services are required. Just as countries with a Russian puppet government are de facto countries while countries with a US puppet government are de jure countries. 

The founder of the Wagner Group is Yevgeny Prighozin who is a Russian oligarchy who is aka Putin's chef. 

The leader of the Wagner Group is Dimitry Utkin who is a major fan of, uh, the World War 2 guy and Richard Wagner was the favorite composer of the World War 2 guy hence the name of the PMC. 

The Wagner Group operates out of Argentina since PMCs are officially illegal in Russia.*

There is a significance with Argentina. Argentina is rumored in conspiracy theory legends that the World War 2 guy survived the war and moved to Argentina.  I don't know if I believe that World War 2 guy went to Argentina. World War 2 guy was dying on his feet as he had an advanced stage of Parkinson's due to all the drugs he was taking such as crystal meth and Pervitin. These drugs were prescribed by his doctor just as Elvis' doctor prescribed Elvis all kinds of drugs which led to Elvis death. 

Richard Wagner the composer of Ride of the Valkyries and of Parsifal didn't like Jewish people. Sometimes Richard Wagner was a conductor. He didn't like Jewish people so much that when he was a conductor during music that a Jewish composer composed, he wore a white glove to show his disdain.* Michael Jackson wore a white glove too but it wasn't because he didn't like Jewish people. 

*source: The Book of Lists

The Wagner Group uses Russian military equipment, their soldiers are ex Russian special forces and they get treated at Russian hospitals. 

The Wagner Group has operated in Ukraine and Syria and in Africa too. 

There are PMCs in China too and 6 Chinese PMCs have operated in different parts of the World. 

30 years ago, one in 50 soldiers was a PMC soldier. 5 years ago, it was one in 10. Today, there are more PMCs than there are regular soldiers!

5 years later, 1 in 10 soldiers will be regular soldiers, the rest will be PMC soldiers. 30 years later 1 in 50 soldiers will be regular soldiers, the rest will be PMC soldiers. 

PMCs pay more than the regular Army does. 

Clemenceau said that war is too important to be left to the soldier. Military people say that war is too important to be left to the politicians. This happened in Vietnam when generals on politicians orders told soldiers to stay at a spot and not advance because of politics even though advancing would result in an ensured victory. PMCs don't have to worry about that. 

If there was a conflict between the US and China, it would mostly be fought with PMCs. There might not even be a draft or conscription. 

Besides population control, wars are about these 4 things

- artificial scarcity and price fixing

- plunder resources since the military runs on a hybrid model, government subsidized and a for profit corporation 

- install a puppet government 

- a front for a money laundering scam for billionaires 

The future looks bright! 

What's behind this is that everybody knows about the 1%. But this isn't a unified 1%. They are rather factional. It isn't even a deliberate case of divide and conquer. Each of these factions of the 1% speak different languages, practice different religions and are from different cultures and each are trying to rule the World for the sake of advancement. Some of the 1% are from the United States and England. Some of the 1% are from Russia. 

*source. Putin's Secret Private Army: The Wagner Group. Jake Tran. YouTube

Its like The Game of Thrones. England is House of Targaryen, the United States is House of Stark and Russia is House of Lannister. 

Just a thought. Machiavelli warned against mercenaries aka PMCs. He wrote that mercenaries have no allegiances to any State. Their only allegiance is to money. In World War 1, some countries fought for both sides, the Entente Cordiale and the Central Powers in a Venn diagram of military cross allegiances. The movie Lord of War said that arms dealers will sell arms to both sides of a war. In the Vietnam War sometimes soldiers wouldn't advance even when it was strategically wise to do so because of orders from politicians. With PMCs like for eg The Wagner Group, at strategic crucial points in a war, the Americans could secretly pay them more money than the Russians. Result, the PMCs not advancing when it is otherwise strategically wise for them to do so. Regular Army soldiers, PMCs. Potatoes potatos, tomatoes tomatos. 

Today I visited Heather. We went to Tim Horton's. 

Then I went to Pagliacci's and got a dish called Sophia which seafood fettuccine with creamy sauce. 

I saw The Last Of Us episode 3. So it's that kind of episode. You never know how a television show will turn out. 

Tuesday, January 31, 2023

Woke up feeling good. There is lots to live for. In this past month I discovered the band B. B. & Q. Band and I also discovered the app called Cetus. Cetus only works on some tablets. I have one tablet which it works perfectly on. I have another tablet where Cetus only displays movie posters without the option or ability to watch even one movie. 

This morning, after 12 am, I watched 1 episode of Game Of Thrones House of the Dragon. It's just as good if not better than the original Game of Thrones. The story is set about 782 years before Game of Thrones. It is a much darker story with graphic portrayals of violence and also of medical calamities such as a woman getting a caesarean with premedieval medical technology available then. The show is set in 110 AD but its not a true story. The dragons give that away. There are ten episodes. In order not to be overwhelmed, just watch no more than 2 episodes a day or else 1 episode every two days. 

All movies are insane but in a good way. I have some residual anxiety disorder and don't know if I could direct a movie. Stanley Kubrick said that directing a movie is like trying to write a novel like War and Peace while riding on a bumper car in an amusement park. 

This morning on the News, I saw Wendy Pedersen from the downtown eastside. She's a big wheel there. I used to talk with her a few times when I was living in the DTES years ago. Then I saw the manager of the Arlington Hotel on the News. The Arlington Hotel is a hotel I'd like to live at. It's across the street from my old elementary school. That neighborhood gives me intense nostalgia. Maybe this is a beckoning sign. Maybe I should just move back to Vancouver. I don't know how much longer I can work for Heather. I don't have to work for her. I push myself to do it. Pushing oneself to do something they don't really want to do and for a long period of time spanning weeks, months, years, is a sure recipe for anxiety. 

I hope the day comes when I can stop working for Heather. There are 3 ways this can happen

- she gets moved into a further assisted living facility

- I move back to Vancouver. 

- I just simply stop visiting her. Easier said than done since I have a soft spot for her and am attached to her. She is vulnerable and this makes me want to help her thus draining my energy, giving me long term anxiety and I am unable to continue making animated cartoons. But my cartoons didn't get much traction. They are amateur cartoons with very little dialogue. Doing cartoons is intellectually exhausting. So many details. I might do more cartoons if I thought it was taking me anywhere. The more you do on YouTube, the more you got to do. If you get a lot of subscribers etc that makes it somewhat harder to walk away from. I have so few subscribers that it leaves the door wide open for me to leave. Cartoon animation was a phase. It was a toy that I got tired of playing. 

There are two Arlington hotels in Vancouver. The Arlington Hotel is on Cordova Street. Arlington rooms is on Pender Street in Vancouver and mainly old Chinese people stay there. I would opt for the Arlington rooms on Pender and I am Chinese and can speak that language somewhat. 

Remember what was once an escape is now a trap. If I ever move to the Arlington rooms, it would be difficult to get out of there. There would be no advancement for me from there. Not that there is any advancement for me now. I thought that me doing cartoons on YouTube would bring me advancement. But that's silly. First of all, writers make on average $5,000 a year. Very few are famous and rich like Stephen King. This also applies to YouTubers. On average, they make a few thousand a year. Secondly, YouTube has one agree to a worldwide license to distribute your videos royalty free. YouTube will suppress your subscriber numbers and view counts meanwhile your videos show up in every country of the World and YouTube can plaster ads on them. Only YouTube gets rich off your videos. The only thing is your reputation for the talent behind making your videos remains with you. Plus YouTube has heavenly and life changing, life saving videos that show up in recommendations. It has for me, anyways. 

Today I was going to go to the James Bay Inn for breakfast but it was closed today. I walked to Holland Point Park which I'll miss if I ever move back to Vancouver. I went to Thrifty Foods and got some crab cakes on sale for $8. 50% off. 

Then I went to the James Bay branch of the Library. I borrowed a DVD, Coming To America 2 starring Eddie Murphy. I didn't know a sequel was made. 

Another pleasant but boring day. That's my life. 

In my life I've had a lot of good days that at the time, I thought was a bad day. What if today is one of those kind of days? I think it's a bad day now but in a few years when I look back, I'll see that today was a really good day. So enjoy yourself today.