Monday, May 1, 2023
Did nothing all day. I went to Yates Market to get some fish and ginger and green onion.
I saw the movie On The Line starring Mel Gibson. The movie really made me think. It's a great movie. One of the best movies ever in terms of storyline. The movie is about a psycho who calls the radio station saying that he kidnapped and is about to kill the radio host's wife and daughter.
The anxiety has really gone away because of the valerian root tea.
It's not true anxiety caused by the presence of an actual danger or threat. It's my autonomous nervous system including the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system gone faulty due to exhaustion and worries and the mind playing a bad movie about the future in an instinct of self preservation.
Tuesday, May 2, 2023
I went to the movie theater and saw Sisu starring Finnish actor Jorma Tommila as Rauno Kontio. It's a great movie. It reminds me of Die Hard part 1 which I also saw in the movie theater in 1987. The movie was as good if not better than expected.
The director of Sisu, Jalmari Helander made the Christmas movie, Rare Export: A Christmas Tale.
Jalmari Helander also acts in the movie Sisu as one of the soldiers.
Similar to the Zac Efron movie Gold, Sisu is about a man who finds gold buried in the ground but that is where the similarities end.
I then went to the market again.
I don't know how often I'll visit Heather from now on. Her weird neighbor that smells like rancid shellfish is scary. The smell is so bad that it's scary. Sometimes when you have a friend, you deal with extraneous delinquent personalities associated with that friend that you otherwise wouldn't have to deal with at all. That's a disadvantage of having any friendships at all.
I'm going to tell Heather that that neighbor of hers scares me which limits me from visiting. That's a built in excuse. I don't know if I want to visit Heather for much longer anyways. She's a bottomless hole. I don't know if I want to take care of her for another what, five years, ten years? I feel if I don't visit her for two weeks she would die. But if she's someone who would die in 2 weeks of me not visiting that means she'd probably be dead in a year anyways even with my visiting. Or maybe not. There were people who I thought would be dead whom I met 10 years ago and they're still alive today. And there are others who I thought wouldn't be dead for decades and then they died but these people usually died of a drug overdose. I didn't know that they were junkies. Sometimes people who you'd never expect is a junkie is a junkie. But they don't look like junkies. What does a junkie look like? Long hair, scraggly, wearing a tank top and with a folded bandana wrapped around an elbow.
A friend who is a bottomless hole of requiring care-giving is a friend who can cause an anxiety disorder.
No friendship is better than a friendship that's a bad energy jangle. And there are a thousand and one kinds of bad energy jangles.
I just found out that Gordon Lightfoot died yesterday. I've been listening to his music since I was a child in the 70s. I have a heavy heart. I know that Gordon Lightfoot still lives in another dimension. Just not in this dimension. He is now a spirit under a different set of physics and time dynamic. I hope he went to heaven but I don't know if heaven exists. I think the other dimension although much more refined than this one still has its issues and dilemmas and stressors and work as well. Heaven sounds too cut and dried and may be just a story to assuage man's deepest fears because no one knows what happens after death. Death is the scariest thing. In that way life is a trap and death is the door of the trap snapping shut.
I believe in God because I believe in and fear the devil. If there is a devil, there is God and God is more powerful.
The road to hell is broad and the road to heaven is narrow, says the Bible. That has a ring of truth. The road of God sometimes means halping a friend even though it's inconvenient. The road of God means not envying others or wanting what they have. The road of God means staying poor if otherwise the only way to get rich is to steal money or to obtain money through criminal or fraudulent means. The road of God means waiting a long time to get money even if it sometimes means a possibility of never getting the money. That's why the road to heaven is narrow.
I believe hell exists. As for heaven, it is comparatively and relatively a much better place than hell but heaven still has its issues. It is said that dead friends and relatives watch over us from heaven. For them to see us so intimately mired in this morass of confusion and trouble called life must be a stress point for them adulerating the otherwise unadulterated pleasure of a heavenly existence. I don't have the answers.
Anxiety still plagues me. Even though I drink valerian root tea which I'll now be dependent upon for life, I still feel the undercurrent of anxiety brewing underneath. I hope that God helps me.
Valium which is a benzodiazepine is made from valerian root.
Valerian root works on GABA which the brain uses to slow down and inhibit cytokine communication between nerves of different organs in the body. GABA is gamma aminobutyric acid or else y-aminobutyric acid and is produced in the pancreas, the same place that produces insulin.
I've heard a quote about the healing fountain of Lourdes in France.
"Lourdes isn't about getting a miracle. Lourdes is about having faith and courage even when there is no miracle."
My anxiety at times is so painful that I think dying is the only cure. Anxiety makes me feel like I'm dying and makes me want to die. It registers as a painful burning in the stomach. All treatments for anxiety are temporary making one go back to it again and again. There might be a permanent cure for anxiety but allopathic medicine is a multi billion dollar industry. They need repeat customers. Pills, shock treatment, valerian root tea all have a time limit then one relapses back to anxiety again. Physiologically speaking we are still just cavemen with techno gadgets like cell phones and tablets. Physiologically we still have the hypothalamus, the pituitary gland and the adrenaline glands just like cavemen. And we still have a sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system lending to constant anxiolytic responses to daily life.
How To Control Anxiety. Andrew Huberman. YouTube.
Autonomic nervous system. Sinoatrial node. Phrenic nerve.
The autonomic nervous system is what is behind anxiety.
When one inhales, the diaphragm is pushed down making more space for the heart causing the heart to slow down blood flow. The sinoatrial node in the heart sends a signal to the brain that the blood flow is slowed down causing the brain to send a signal for the blood flow to speed up.
When one exhales, the diaphragm is pushed up making less space for the heart causing the heart to speed up blood flow. The sinoatrial node in the heart sends a signal to the brain that the blood flow is sped up causing the brain to send a signal for the blood flow to slow down.
The phrenic nerve is the nerve that allows the brain to voluntarily control the diaphragm which in turn controls the lungs through inhaling and exhaling.
Through use of the phrenic nerve, the double inhalation double exhalation exercise works because a double inhalation opens the lungs even more giving the lungs more oxygen and diluting any excess CO2 stored in the lungs. The double exhalation allows the lungs to more efficiently clear up any excess carbon dioxide stored in the lungs.
Andrew Huberman is a professor of physiology at Stanford University.
Understanding and Controlling Depression. Andrew Huberman. YouTube. Vitamin D3K2. Has positive effects on cardio vascular health and hormones.
Athletic Greens probiotics. Immune system and gut brain axis.
Andrew Huberman endorses Athletic Greens. But it costs $150 a package. Too pricey.
Negative self confabulation. The brain tells often delusional negative stories about oneself.
Debbie Hellion said that she was thinking of moving to Castlegar. So I thought I'd see a video on YouTube about Castlegar. Uploader Free Jazz made a video. The town of Castlegar is really beautiful. There are two storey building with windows in the second floor looking on to the street. I get a really good feeling of psychometry looking at the windows of those buildings. It's an incredibly peaceful small town feel. Chinese restaurants in small towns, the thought of them also give me an unexplainable good feeling. It's a peace that surpasses all understanding.
When I was in Thailand in the year 2000, some people from Castlegar told me about Castlegar. They said it was basically KKKastlegar. Come for the beautiful small town feel, stay for the burning crosses. I certainly hope that's not true otherwise I'd be killed if I ever went to Castlegar because I'm not White.
The beautiful town of Castlegar.
Wednesday, May 3, 2023
My dream is to get a red 80s BMW, and to live in Kitsilano around 16th and MacDonald Street and to possibly have a wife whom I am compatible with and that's a tall order for either of us.
William Burroughs once said, "The problem with White Supremacy is that it's a static image. Any static image, even a good one is one that probably won't work."
The Kitsilano BMW wife dream is a static image. Time goes on and things happen in association with that dream. The house falls into disrepair due to laziness and lack of vigilance, the BMW breaks down over time and needs constant expensive maintenance, the wife or even myself could file for divorce.
All escapes eventually becomes a trap. All dreams too. The grass is never greener on the other side. One life is as good as another within reason, for example, life as a severely handicapped person or life in supermax prison wouldn't be a good life at all. But even then a lot of handicapped people or people in supermax didn't give up on life. They chose to keep on living.
Valerian root tea wears off the next morning after sleeping like all drugs do.
Eventually one builds a tolerance and the dosage has to be increased. The best way is not to rely on any drug but over time, the body has mechanisms to heal itself as writer Andrew Weil wrote. Walking and dancing at the same time, Weil wrote, increases the body's healing mechanisms. I just hope that my anxiety goes away but I feel anxiety about getting older. When one gets old one day all looks will be gone and one just looks like crap. Gordon Lightfoot looked awful in the years before he died compared to how he looked in the 70s. "If I ever look like that, shoot me." as the old saying goes. I don't want to be old. That's just like, "I don't want to grow up, I'm a ToysRUs kid. They got lots and lots and lots of toys for me to play with. I don't want to grow up but even if I did, I want to be a ToysRUs kid." Some children never want to be an adult with the pressing responsibilities of bills, and other adult stressors. There's no choice. Either grow up, grow old, or die. I wish I could quit life. I wish I could go to sleep and then not wake up again. Ever. I suppose that will come true one day, inevitably, but that hasn't happened yet for me. I want to skip old age.
I got a good score in Big Brain Academy DS today.
I visited Heather. We went to the Community Center and then we went to City Hall and then to Shoppers Drug Mart where Heather got some ice cream.
I watched two Christian movies on YouTube. I watched I Am Gabriel and The Girl Who Believes In Miracles. I was thinking it was movies about a male angel and a female angel. They were very good movies. Christian movies are very uplifting and helps restore faith in God unlike the usual Hollywood movies which are sensationalist and or violent.
Movies with female leads who are violent like Lara Croft and The Wrath of Becky are still chick flicks even though it has violence.
It was an anxiety free day. No sign of anxiety.
Thursday, May 4, 2023
May the 4th be with you.
I went to the beach today and saw 3 cruise ships at Ogden Point. They were Crown Princess, Royal Princess and Majestic Princess. Those ships looked really big from a distance. They dwarfed the building surrounding them.
I went to the Birdcage Confectionary store and got a ham quiche in honor of King Charles coronation. The Birdcage Confectionary was built in 1905 and Emily Carr visited that place lots.
I went to the Royal BC Museum grounds and there was a demonstration with Salish people and there was a free meal of salmon and cheesecake for all.
The valerian root tea I drank two days ago wore off and the anxiety has returned as an excitable but painful slight burning in the stomach.
The movie Beau Is Afraid is a finely woven tapestry of anxiety and schizophrenia. So is my life.
I have to drink more valerian toot tea. Since drinking that tea, I've had moments of optimism and hopefulness that I haven't had in years.
I saw a fan made Wes Anderson version of Star Wars on YouTube. Wes Anderson and Timothy Burton should each direct a Star Wars movie. Jordan Peele should direct a Star Wars movie as well. Maybe David Lynch could direct a Star Wars movie. He is getting old. But originally at one point David Lynch would have directed Return of the Jedi. I think Baz Luhrman and Damien Chazelle and Denis Villeneuve should also each do a Star Wars movie. Why not? Ridley Scott and Christopher Nolan should each direct a Star Wars movie. And what about Peter Jackson? Imagine what a Star Wars movie would look like in the hands of these visionary directors. Star Wars could be a comedy too as some of these directors are comedy directors. Star Wars could also include nudity although since Disney owns the Star Wars franchise, that would be unlikely. The nudity wouldn't do anything for me as my sex drive is finished and I have anxiety when I even think about sex. Like C3P0 would say, "I'm doomed." I don't know if I'll still be around in 20 years or even 10 years.
One person who lives in the rooming house hotel I live in has cancer of the guts, one form or other, kidney, liver whatever. He's getting treatments but I would say it's game over. He should arrange to get euthanized to spare any unnecessary pain. I don't know to what degree the medical industry could help. The medical industry is known for gas lighting and marginalizing lots of people. Lots of people.
There are 100 different forms of cancer and some are more and some are less responsive to treatment and painkillers too. I say it's game over. Just give up.
His name is Richard which reminds me of King Richard of England from a long time ago. Richard has lived in this hotel for over 12 years.
I hope that God can help him but I don't know how likely that is. Every year, millions of people on this planet die of cancer and God decides who he will help and who he won't. The only real help is to get euthanized as soon as possible although doctors will often sideswipe and second guess a patient leading to months of extraneous and unnecessary pain. I don't have much faith in the allopathic medical industry at all. At this point it's all downhill forever. Once a person dies of cancer, no one knows what awaits in the afterlife. I imagine some nebulous random chaotic dreamworld afterlife that is as outlandish as a Timothy Burton Halloween movie. Death is as scary as anything and one is in way over their head when they are born. I am glad I never brought any children into this world who would otherwise have to face the existential turmoil that is life itself and the death that inevitably awaits. Sophocles said, "To have never been born may be the greatest boon of all."
"The first sign of the beginning of understanding is the wish to die." Franz Kafka
I only went to the mall and got some Chinese food. I planned to watch the movies The Consecration and Crawlspace but didn't get around to it. A day I spent mostly at home playing brain games on my DS emulator. I also installed Lord of the Rings The Third Age on 3 different GBA emulators so I could play as Aragorn, and as Gandalf and as Elrond. In the old days to do this, one had to purchase 3 LOTR The Third Age GBA cartridges. In the Third Age, I would only play as the Gondor or the good side. I would play as the Mordor or Sauron side because that's bad energy. The Sauron side has interesting character names such as Lurtz, Gorbag, Grishnakh, Gothmog, Sharku, Grimas Wormtongue and the Witch King of Angmar etc.
Saturday, May 6, 2023
I woke up feeling scared and overwhelmed. Life is scary and overwhelming. The future is so so uncertain and mysterious and unknowable.
I watched the Coronation last night. It was an elaborate Church service. I watched the Coronation on The Daily Mail YouTube channel. It was a perfect flawless event. When King Charles and Queen Camilla walked into the Church, they seemed a bit nervous. Then afterwards when the gold coach was rolling outside, there were some people booing.
London is the only town in the World that isn't a backwater. Every other town in the World next to London is a backwater. London is a clean and very well Policed city. You don't see any Vancouver style tent cities like on Hastings Street in London.
London is too big and sprawling and overwhelming and very expensive to stay in. Otherwise I have always wanted to go to London. Watching A Christmas Carol starring George C Scott gives me fernweh which nostalgia for a place I've never been to and anemoia which is nostalgia for a time I never lived in. Seeing movie set in London often gives me a strong feeling of nostalgia and feeling good. I don't know why.
Factoid: King Edward VII died on May 6, 1910.
I love Heather, but do I have to work for her for the next 10 years or more? She is handicapped and unable to do certain things so I work for her doing things for her. In a way I am her servant. This takes the wind of inspiration away from being an artist.
In a Tom Green movie, there is a quote, "If you want to be a cartoon animator, you have to first quit that sh*tty job at the cheese factory." or words to that effect.
Sometimes I like to take a long time away and not seeing a friend. When one is a caregiver, then there are no two or three week holidays each year. Every year is an all 52 week a year job. When it's a friend who is weak or incapable and is a sweet person, then it's difficult to quit working for them. If someone is very capable and someone who is mean, I have no problem at all abandoning them.
YouTube comment: "Friends were there for the best times in my life."
Reply to that comment: "No, they were the worst times."
I often wish the friendship between me and Heather would end but in mutually amicable terms which doesn't involve me feeling guilty for abandoning her. Sometimes friendships can really suck the energy out of you.
Technically it's very easy to leave Heather. Just don't visit her anymore. It's much more difficult to leave a marriage where one is a parent to a child who has Down's syndrome or some other profound handicap. Parental burnout or what. When one has a really major panic attack or nervous breakdown, they spend years afterwards worrying and fearing that the panic attack will come back. I'm suffering this right now. My mind snapped two years ago. I have a mental health problem now.
I don't always know if God is looking out for me. I thank God for being with me even when I feel uncertain and doubtful or when I have thoughts like, 'Religion is an industry meant to address man's deepest fear which is fear of death and what if anything happens after that and religion has an answer for everything and is making it up as they go along.'
There are two types of worries, 1. Will I make it to old age, and 2. Old age is a ghastly wretched hideous horrid time of life and I fear old age and am not really all that sure that I want to go through with it at all. I want to give old age a hard pass.
When I have dreams when sleeping, as weird and disconcerting as that world is, I'd rather just die and live there full time than to live in this life which is scary and has the shadow of eventual death looming over it which existing as a spirit in the dream world doesn't have. In the dream world, I have consciousness but I don't have to eat or go to the bathroom and I can fly too.
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you, said the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future."
Is that a reality and just an ideal?
Romans 12:21 "Evil is overcome with good." That part of the Bible makes sense. Good is more powerful than evil. Love is the most powerful force in the universe more powerful than anger, envy and fear. Although sometimes this is not so obvious.
I had a dream last night where someone told me that he thought I was gay. I told him that I'm not gay.
There is gay and then there is gay, which is it. Someone who isn't lucky with women or gets laid often or at least even once every few years could be called 'gay'.
Now that there is a King, rather than a Queen, males are expected to be more macho and masculine doing things like joining the military and also being lucky with lots of women. A man who is not lucky with women may be seen as somewhat 'off'. But being lucky with women has certain consequences such as the possibility of being on the hook for child support which is a slippery slope and being on the hook for child support would be the most unwanted thing.
But such a thing is only relevant as long as I'm alive and not dead. It's not like I'm begging for my life at every turn. Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing. If life isn't working for me, why should I work for life? The value of life is finite because the nature of life is finite. Like Sophicles said, "To have never been born may be the greatest boon of all."
Today I visited Heather. We went to Burger King and then to Chinatown.
Then I returned home and played LOTR The Third Age.
I saw a movie, Operation Fortune. It was a good movie.
Sunday, May 7, 2023
To have never been born is the highest religious expression. Religion is just mopping up a spill. Better not to have made the spill. Religion is a band aid solution. Religion addresses the fear of death and is a way to cope with the stress and depression that is life.
Some people say being old is a privilege. I think that dying young is a privilege. People who died young will only be remembered for their youthful looks. People who died old looked awful in the years before they died. But any decade whether one is in their 20s or 50s still has the question of whether a person will make it to the end of the decade. If a person is 20, will they make it to 30. If a person is 50, will the make it to 60. Etc.
Nest year, Joe Biden will be 81 years old and Donald Trump will be 77 years old. At those ages, why would they think they'd live another 4 years and 4 years doing a very overwhelming, stressful and anxiety prone job. If I was 77, I wouldn't think that I'd for sure live another 4 years.
Even at 65 I wouldn't think that. I don't know why there isn't an age cap for politicians. The age cap should be 70. At 70, no one in the World would think that they'd live another 4 years. They might but there's a strong possibility that they won't.
King Charles is 73 years old. Would he make it to 80? Who knows but he could still be around in another 20 years.
At age 53, I don't know that I'll make it to 60, let alone 70. At my age when it gets cold at night, if I didn't have a heater, I'd be dead. Cold nights affect a person more when they're old. Old age sucks. I wish I could skip it altogether. If I had a choice, I would opt to give old age a hard pass. Old age is an ordeal, a hassle, a most unwanted thing.
There's a lot of bullsh*t in life. Such as towing the line between two or more languages or two or more cultures. Why couldn't there be just one culture and one language. Between two or more cultures and languages, one culture is the real culture, the other cultures are a regression to some primitive world and are taking a step backwards.
In a culture where one has to learn to draw a new picture every time they write a word, vocabulary would be extremely limited and they would be bogged down by the written details of that extremely limited vocabulary. Dunbar's rule, a person can only remember about 150 different things all the time. With a pictographic writing system a person would be only able to mainly remember 150 written characters. What an awful cultural thing and that is one of the bullsh*ts of life that would be irrelevant if I were never born or if I died years ago.
Classism is another bullsh*t of life that I could definitely do without.
Every morning I wake up disappointed and baffled that I woke up. Last night's dream was so real. Why couldn't I have just stayed there on a permanent staycation? Why the hell did I have to wake up and come back?
A life that sucks is a life that's not worth living. My life sucks. If I had a choice I would opt not to wake up. I wouldn't commit suicide. I just wish I had died quickly and painlessly of natural causes like a congenital time bomb such as some hereditary heart disease years ago and gotten it over with.
I went to Church today. It was a very good day. I spent the rest of the day at home.
John GBA and John GBA lite has pixelly graphics. I paid for John GBA today and didn't like the pixelly graphics. I uninstalled it and got a refund. I paid for another GBA emulator. I had to uninstall Lord of the Rings The Third age since I installed two versions taking up space on my tablet. I since reinstalled one version.
I have 3 GBA emulators.
- My Boy GBA emulator
- Pizza Boy GBA emulator
- The GBA Emulator which cost me $1.89
They all have smooth graphics. I now have Aragorn, Gandalf and Elrond on LOTR The Third Age on 3 different GBA emulators. The emulators are a dream come true and at one point in the past I thought I'd never see my GBA again let alone see them on a screen as large as the tablet. Life is good that way. And plus I get GBA and Nintendo DS games free. I just download them. And PSP too.
GBA released on February 14, 2003. Nintendo DS released on November 21, 2004. Sony Psp released on March 24, 2005.
The games are quite old so that's why they're downloaded for free.
I can't wait to see a Nintendo Switch emulator but it isn't old enough to be on an emulator on Android. I only want one game on Nintendo Switch and that's Big Brain Academy.
I watched the movie The Consecration. It has a twist ending as all good movies do. The relic that the Church in the movie is looking for is not what you think. This relic has incredible powers.
Monday, May 8, 2023
I went to Yates Market and got some beef and a 2 litre drink and some broccoli and some eggs. Later one of the 6 eggs I got, broke. I also got 3 bananas for my GIRD or gastro intestinal reflux disorder.
Then I visited Heather. We went out for awhile just walking. Then I saw a sign from a young lady in Heather's apartment. I've seen her around for months. We are friends. The sign said the young lady needed some dish detergent. I got her a bottle. We then agreed that I'd visit her and help clean her apartment. So in the afternoon I visited her apartment and helped her clean it. It's good to do something new as it stimulates the brain.
I spent the rest of the day playing LOTR The Third Age levelling up the characters and getting them powers and weapons.
Tuesday, May 9, 2023
Stayed home all day. Didn't go out at all. Life is boring. Played a lot of Lord of the Rings The Third Age on GBA emulator. It's the best turn based tactics game of all time.
On PSP there's LOTR Tactics and Dungeons and Dragons Tactics. On the PSP version, you can win just using the special powers once you got them. You don't even have to move at all.
Music of today is better than 80s music. I never thought I'd say that because until a couple of months ago, I didn't think that any good music was made after 1989. But groups like Psychic Mirrors, Zackey Force Funk, Neil Frances and XL Middleton has changed me. Music has evolved into something better since the 80s. These new funk groups lay down a driving catchy bass line and don't have rap in their music. I thought anything done after they year 2000 would only have rap.
Wednesday, May 10, 2023
Visited Heather. Went to Tim Hortons and Chinatown.
Bought a dust pan for a friend.
A Walking Tour of Vancouver:
Arbutus - Our Butt Holes
Blanca - Bunghole
Cordoba - Whored Over
CRAB Park - FAG Park
Davie - Gay Vie
Dunbar - Bum bar
Fourth Avenue - Whored Avenue
Granville Island - Anal Island
Hornby - Horny
Keefer - Queefer
Kitsilano - Kitsil Anal
Point Grey - Point Gay
Sea bus - Semen bus
Stanley Park - Anally Park
UBC - University of a Billion C**********
Vanier Park - Anal Park
Wreck Beach - Rectum Beach
Result: Angercouver-Bumcouver - Lots of angry bums in Vancouver.
Vancouver - Fagcouver
Victoria - Fagtoria
It has been traditionally said that 10% of people are gay. The SOGI curriculum aims to bring that up to 20%. This is a method to circumvent population growth. In 1990 the World's population was 5 billion people. Today the population is 8 billion. At this rate, in 200 years there will be a trillion people on Earth. The planet cannot support this so as a result, the human species will come to a crashing halt in less than 200 years. Or else the population increase will be controlled and shut down and in 200 years there will be a maximum of 20 billion people on Earth and everything will be run on AI. For male's sexual needs, there will be lifelike female androids covered with epidermis created with a blend that quantum computers come up with that feels so lifelike that it will feel more than lifelike. For women, I don't know because women don't just feel the need to have sex but women also feel the need to get pregnant. It's an actual biological need for women. Men just need to get their rocks off or else to empty their bags.
At some point most of the human population will have to get neutered for males and spayed for females. Only the rich can be able to have children. But the belief that rich people are kinder more kind and nurturing parents than poor people is a cognitive dissonance or a cognitive bias just like a person believing that a crowing of a rooster is what makes the sun rise or the Aztecs believing that throwing sacrificed people off pyramids was what galvanized the sun from being a Winter sun to a Spring time sun again. There is an equal chance of dysfunctionality between rich and poor although rich people are generally University educated.
But people who graduated from University, a lot of them believe in Adam and Eve and that the Earth is 10,000 years old and they have graduated from Universities which have a Lefitist woke SOGI curriculum. University education isn't what it was decades ago and even that. Decades ago people graduated from University without learning about any planets that exist outside the solar system because that knowledge wasn't available or else it was suppressed and was something that only the top scientists knew about although that was hinted at in popular culture in shows like Star Trek and Star Wars. Before 1993, no one knew about any planets that exist outside the solar system. Today, tens of thousands of planets are known with names like J1407b which has so many rings around it that as Thoughty2 on YouTube said, "It's like Saturn on cocaine."
Whether a person believes that God created the World with Adam and Eve and the talking snake, or whether they believe that life on Earth is a result of abiogenesis, either answer is just as incredible to believe. No one knows the answer. Humans are beings with an average 110 IQ thinking that they can take on the Universe.
I would never want to visit Planet J1407b even if the technology was available to do so as I have enough travel anxiety as it is.
I want to hear that the James Webb telescope made a discovery so mind blowing that it changes everything.
Thursday, May 11, 2023
Stayed home all day. Another day of cabin fever. Played Lord of the Rings The Third Age. Lots of free Nintendo Ds roms available for my Ds emulator.
At a free book mini library outdoors at James Bay, I found 5 copies of The Evergreen Quarterly from England. One of those books had an advertisement for a book called Your Life After Death, The Joseph Communications. The book Your Life After Death is incredible. It says a lot of amazing things. Chain of events one thing happened after another or I would have never known about this book. Joseph Communication is a series of channeled books channeling a spirit named Joseph. It's pretty good. But there's no accounting for taste. I like it but it's uncertain whether or not you will like it.
Friday, May 12, 2023
Today is the last day of my 52nd year of life. It was a good year. I had a lot of anxiety and fear for no reason. I wish I could do it over again and have no anxiety.
When a person is poor, depression is tangible. It's probably because they're poor. If a person is very rich, depression is intangible. They're so rich, what would be the reason for depression? Keanu Reeves said, "Money gives you the freedom to live the life you want to live."
Wiliam Burrough wrote about The next morning after he took his first injection of heroin in 1944. "The next morning, I woke up with a start of fear."
Every morning including this one, I wake up with fear. Fear of the future. Fear of being overwhelmed with life.
The book Your Life After Life has a lot of interesting insights. One of them is that when a person reaches the middle of their life, the energy in their spirit shifts from rising physically and being closer to Earth energy to falling physically and betting farther away from Earth energy. And a person starts losing interest in some of the things they were interested in.
That's called a mid life crisis and I feel that myself. I think my sex drive isn't what it was.
A lot of psychics write books. Everybody thinks they have the answer and everybody has a different set of answers. That's what makes me doubt that anybody really knows otherwise there would be answers that are Universal. Some psychics say that there is a hell while others say that there is no hell.
This makes me feel that there is a money making industry composed of religion and also psychics that exists to address people's greatest fear which is the fear of death when no one knows at all.
I am scared everyday. I hope that God can help me to take away my fear. Please say a prayer for me so that my fear of life will go away.
Being the last day of my 52nd year of life I decided it should be the best day. I went to the flea market at Church. I didn't need anything from the flea market as I have enough of a problem with hoarding. I did get a soup and a bun for $5. They had a lunch available but it wasn't expensive.
Then I walked to Dallas Road and went to the beach. I saw one really nice lady in a bikini whereas in Vancouver I would have seen dozens and dozens. Then I went to Breakwater Bistro and had seafood linguine. I walked along the breakwater pier.
Then I went to the Seafood market near Fisherman's Wharf and got some fish cakes and smoked salmon and smoked tuna. They have lots of varieties of chilled smoked fish there.
Then I went home. Breakwater Bistro was a nice elegant experience. The bistro is built with a corrugated aluminum exterior yet it is a place where rich people eat. Prince William and Princess Kate was at that restaurant once.
Going to the beach was good since I was in my hotel room all day.
I wish I was rich and lived in a really nice place. Who doesn't?
Saturday, May 13, 2023
Today is ostensibly my birthday. Ostensibly because I never saw my birth certificate which anyways would be illegible to me because I don't read Chinese. My 13 was Mothers Day in 1973 which is why my birthday strikes me as apocryphal.
I went to the Church flea market and lunch again. I got a free slice of cake with pink icing. I would have went with White icing but pink icing was the only one available.
I then visited Heather. She got me a present and a birthday card that just melted my heart. I love that dear sweet Heather. I thank God that I got to know Heather. She is a blessing. I love her so much.
No sex on my birthday, yet again but sex is a sport that I'm not good at.
Birthdays are a hassle because of the pressure to make it an extra special day which costs money.
There is a God. There obviously is a force greater than all the forces of the Earth out together, a Universe based force and Earth is only a small part of the Universe. This force is that which is being the intellect and consciousness of man and indeed of all animals and plants too.
The human body is so intelligently designed that even in a couple of thousand years, there will even then still be new discoveries made about the human body. It took until 1953 for Francis Crick and James Watson to discover DNA.
Bill Maher said the G spot was discovered in 1982. He said, "The human body is so mysterious that they're finding things in women's p*ssies in 1982." The G spot was discovered in 1953 by a German doctor named Ernst Grafenberg so 1953 is not that far off from 1982. A book called The G Spot and Other Mysteries of Human Sexuality was published in 1982 which made Grafenberg discovery famous.
The human body is so intelligently designed on a quantum level that decades or even centuries later, quantum computers will still be discovering new things about the human body. Werner Heisenberg said that science is a tall deep glass and at the bottom of that glass is God. Some scientists have said that the more they delve into science, the more they see the existence of God.
I believe that. The only question remains, Who created the creator? But such thoughts are linear thoughts of a species with 110 IQ. The real answer of God transcends that. God exists on a different time dynamic as time travel is time experienced on an objective level and that all things are happening simultaneously. The way we traditionally experience time is time experienced on a subjective level. That's the mysterious time algorithm of time.
Rick: "Everything has changed around here."
Daryl: "The thing is, you changed it."
The Walking Dead
Chinese interference with Canadian politicians.
The Chinese are very sensitive to fringe groups. Those that the Chinese government target in Canada are those who are actively involved with Chinese politics or Chinese political issues.
That is projection on the part of the Canadian government because Canadians are involved in political interference in China. There is the Canadian based MacMillan group and I learned from YouTube that the National Endowment of Education in Hong Kong is a front for an American based political entity that was behind the Hong Kong protests.
Canadian politicians such as Jenny Kwan who speak on behalf of Uighur or who were supportive of Hong Kong are on China's radar.
Anyone on China's radar is someone with a dog in this fight.
The Uighurs have been part of China's cultural landscape since the days of Genghis Khan when the Silk Road was started because Genghis Khan's Khanate empire extended to the Muslim Middle East and the Silk Road was a venue where Muslims could trade with the Chinese in terms of foods, spices and technological innovations.
The Chinese are very sensitive to fringe groups such as Falun Gong and Uighurs. The Boxers were a fringe group until they grew and nearly toppled the government and then the Boxers sublimated and mutated into Sun Yat Sen's Nationalist party which was backed by the Americans. Sun Yat Sen's wife was a well known Christian.
Falung Gong is probably a covertly American backed entity that if its ultimate aims were realized would result in the toppling of China's government to be replaced by a Western puppet leader.
The social credit system in China bans reading the Bible in public and it bans political criticism and dissent. China has such a large population of 1 billion people that even if 5% of people protested, that's 50 million people which is larger than the population of Canada which is why China is very sensitive to protests.
But look at Canada. There was a Truckers Protest and the Pm of Canada froze Bank accounts and made arrests of lots of protesters.
During the Dutch Farmers Protest, Police shot and killed protesters.*
*source. 1984 Tried To Warn You. YouTube
That's standard issue operating procedure in any country. Don't get involved in protests. Trust in the wisdom and guidance of political leaders because they have most likely taken care of you for years in the form of welfare, unemployment insurance, tax rebates and government grants too.
One can always walk around in a protest for a few minutes and have a look around but don't spend too much time there and if the Police tells everyone it's time to leave, then just leave!
All religions have racial lines. Christianity is White, Hinduism is East Indian, Islam is Middle Eastern etc so for large groups of people to publicly read Bibles in China, the Chinese government sees it as a possible vector for Western political entities and forces to make a greater inroads into China.
Most people in China aren't affected by the social credit system. Don't get involved with politics or criticize the government. Don't have large group Bible readings in public.
A lot of Chinese who leave China or who are targeted are probably more Western at heart than they are Chinese. They prefer the English language and alphabet which they rightly deem to be a better and more fascile language and they prefer Christianity to atheism and probably prefer Hollywood movies to Chinese movies.
China also has operation Fox hunt in which they seek to forcibly repatriate any Chinese who are involved in pro Western political activities against China such as fund raising and organizing protests. If the Chinese government was toppled there would be a pro Western puppet government in China and these pro Western Chinese people would then have promininet positions in China whereas now they have no position.
The Chinese government would never be toppled. For Canada to take on China is like an icebreaker taking on a fleet of aircraft carriers. China is a juggernaut. To take on China is also to take on Russia. Since the defeat of the Nationalists in 1949, China has gone from being an American puppet government to being a Russian puppet government.
Propaganda and brain washing is very pervasive and insidious. In the States one is taught that the United States is the most powerful country in the World and in Canada, it is taught and brainwashed that Canada is the second most powerful country next to the United States which as David Icke wrote the United States is covertly controlled by England. But Russians and Chinese have it endlessly drilled into them that Russia and China is the most powerful entity in the World.
There is Chinese political interference in Canada but there is also Canadian and other Western inference in China because as Tears for Fears sang, Everybody Wants To Rule The World. It's a sad state of affairs.
A sphere of influence means a hegemony of puppet governments.
This is meant to be a completely neutral and objective opinion, probably like Guardians of the Galaxy 3 said, "It's missing a few important points, but the gist of it is right." I am neither for or against Canada or China. I want to be completely neutral. I am a nobody on welfare. I don't donate let alone fund raise for any overt or covert political entities. The only donations I make is to the Police Charity, Tour de Rock.
This isn't just happening in China.
Same thing going on in India. The Farmers Protest was a sublimated ruse for either Western interference in the form of intervention or else to set up an independent Punjabi State of Khalistan which would most likely have a Western puppet government.
After the Korean War ended, Korea is half Russian puppet government and half Western puppet government.
After the Vietnam War, Vietnam is all Russian puppet government whereas before the 1954 battle of diem bien phu, Vietnam was French puppet government.
"What was once a legitimate intelligence gathering agency is now being misused to prey on weaker governments." The Falcon and the Snowman. When the CIA influences and rigs foreign elections that's OK but when a foreign agency tries to influence elections in the US or Canada that's not OK.
The imagined truth may be even more strange. Simultaneously while Russia may have a US puppet President, the US simultaneously has a Russian puppet President. In the movie Breach, former FBI director Robert Hansen was a Russian mole that was seduced by Russian ideology and sold State secrets to the Russians. Either country the US and Russia could have moles in high positions.
Kennedy could have been a Russian puppet. He went so far as to not provide air cover for the Bay of Pigs aka Bahia de Cochinas invasion. But when he threatened the Russian during the Cuban missile crisis, he went against his Russian overlords or else handlers. So Kennedy got shot. That Lee Harvey Oswald the patsy was a Russian agent and was known to have spent time in Russia was a clue. The real shooters, 3 shooters behind the grassy knoll were Russian special ops agents.
This happened often with puppet leaders. Saddam Hussein and Muamar Ghadaffi were once American puppet leaders but they went against their American overlords so they got executed. Francis Ford Coppola's wife Eleanor Coppola said it best in the documentary Hearts of Darkness, "Kurtz wanted to civilized the Native but instead fell prey to the temptations of the jungle." The puppet leaders went local and were seduced by the local agenda rather than aquiescing to their American handlers.
Being a puppet President is like an undercover Police Officer infiltrating a gang or a gangster infiltrating a Police Department as a Police Officer. Politicians operate on similar gangster and Police perimeters. If a Police Officer infiltrating a gang does something against the Police, he gets killed by the police just like in the movie The Departed and in the movie Infernal Affairs. If a gangster infiltrating the Police does something against a gang, then gangsters kill him. Same thing with puppet Leaders. If he does something against his handler overlord country, he gets killed as happened with Kennedy, Ghadaffi and Saddam Hussein.
And particularly with a puppet Leader, is it a case of an undercover Police Officer infiltrating a nest of gangsters or a gangster infiltrating a detachment of Police Officers? The line isn't very clear....
Well, in the case of Putin, Putin was a formally trained high ranking KGB agent and Russian politics is known for its informal savage spontaneity so this would be a case of an undercover Police Officer going deep undercover infiltrating a nest of gangsters. Whereas Trump is informal, street level, not having had a lifelong career of political training being a lifelong politician and American politics is formal, regimented, circumscribed so this would be a case of a gangster infiltrating a Police detachment. It's very much like The Departed and Infernal Affairs.
Which brings us to Trump and Joe Biden. First Trump. Russian hackers helped Trump win the first election. Two FBI directors investigated this but Trump got them fired directly and indirectly, James Comey directly and Andrew McCabe indirectly before they could conclude their investigations.
Trump wanted to build a Mexican wall which would have driven Mexico to be a Russian puppet government like Cuba is but Trump didn't quite finish the wall which non-plussed his Russian handlers. Also the January 6 Capitol Hill insurrection showed a lack of decorum unbecoming for any Russian puppet President which would have profoundly disappointed Trump's Russian overlords.
Poli-Sci 101: In Russia, whether or not the election is rigged, Putin wins.
In the US, whether or not Trump wins, the election is rigged.
On to Joe Biden. The Russians helped Joe Biden the last election because they couldn't help Trump twice in a row, that would look too suspicious. Biden would give tacit consent to Russia invading Ukraine. A war always boosts the economy in some offhand way and Russia needed an economic boost. Hunter Biden accepted money from Ukrainian oligarchs because Ukraine's 1% oligarchy wanted to own private land at rock bottom prices which could happen if Ukrainians exodused the land due to a Russian Ukraine conflict.
It was even then, perhaps a Russian oligarch operating in Ukraine and even though the money went to Hunter Biden it was meant for Joe Biden who was then running to be President of the US. It's called buffers.
But this time Sleepy Joe is on side with NATO too much for Russia's liking and it's a wait and see game now to see which Russian puppet President, Trump or Joe Biden that Russia chooses to prop up to win the next US election in 2024.
The US Russia connection goes back to the sale of Alaska from the Russians to the US for $2.7 million on March 30, 1867. Today you couldn't even buy a nice mansion in Alaska for $2.7 million, a mansion with 16 bathrooms type of mansion. Alaska is still owned by Russia. Its only held-in-perpetuity by the Americans the same way Hong Kong is held-in-perpetuity by the British.
Putin was a very high ranking member of the KGB which would have put him in contact with the CIA who then could have said, "We'll help you win the next election with funds, vote rigging and we'll neutralize any competitors."
It gets even stranger. Countries with an American puppet as Head of State such as The Philippines, Costa Rica, Japan, South Korea and the island territory of Taiwan are puppet states to a country with a Russian puppet as Head of State and countries with a Russian puppet as Head of State such as Cuba, Afghanistan and North Korea are puppet states to a country with an American puppet as Head of State.
It's the elusive chain of command. In case there is revolution or opprobrium against National Leader the revolution or opprobrium will be misdirected and unsuccessful because the true Leaders or power behind the throne is in a different country. That's how extra terrestrials most effectively control and rule the human species, they stay hidden.
The last time Leaders were in their actual country was during the French Revolution and the Russian Revolution. After that, they had to change the system.
Don't ever lose that imagination.
Tip: Ignore everything I wrote as its plucked from my imagination to advance some strange spurious Twilight Zone movie type plot twist that Russia's President is an American puppet while simultaneously the American President is a Russian puppet.
This is a conspiracy theory fan theory the same kind of fan theory that purports that Jar Jar Binks is the most powerful Sith master even more powerful than Emperor Palpatine.
Watching Jake Tran's videos has made me skeptical of the whole darn world. Watching news stories about Chinese interference with Canada's politics makes me look at the larger picture, one where everyone on either side is complicit on one level or another. Don't take my word for it, this kind of thing is taught in Sociology and Political Science at Universities.
What if Leftists PM Justin Trudeau and President Joe Biden were Russian puppets and Right Wing oligarchical capitalist Putin was an American puppet? This system ensures that one country wouldn't nuke another while also perpetuating any politically choreographed wars and conflicts to perpetuate the cottage industry known as the military industrial complex? Such a structure would be engineered by the extra terrestrial overlords which have corralled the human species like a farmer coralls livestock. Humans looking at extraterrestrial in the window of a UFO is like cows and chickens looking at farmers through the windows of a car or truck and thinking, "They're animals just like we are but they're so very much smarter." That's how much smarter aliens in UFOs are to humans. But are aliens real or not? It's supposed to be government top secret yet thousands of sci fi movies such as Close Encounters of the Third Kind have been released and there are also many t shirts and clothing and video games too with images of aliens and UFOs. What's that about? Aliens could rule humans through throwing up signs that appear to be just coincidental and telepathically implanting thoughts in the mind disguised as our own thoughts much like the spirit world does.
Big Brain Academy. See the image of the UFO?
And also on the News, people are described as either White or People of Colour as if the human race was an artist color wheel or as if the human species is splotches of paint on a painters palette.
This is the same kind of airhead metaphorical rhetorical tautological thinking that is behind three strikes you're out as if life was a baseball game or calling a vaccine card a vaccine passport as if a card is a passport. A card is as similar to a passport as a child's tricycle is as similar to a 1000cc engine motorcycle.
Few decades ago, Nationalism was primary and race was secondary which was the idea behind the interEuropean wars of WW1 and WW2 and all European wars before that. Now, race is primary and Nationalism is secondary perhaps to suppress Nationalism which would be conducive to a New World Order where one small clique of oligarchs owns all the World instead a clique in every one of the 179 countries in the World owning their respective 179 countries. The News doesn't use the term European people or Asian people or African people. European? But they live in Canada or the US.
White Supremacy is really British English Supremacy in disguise. England and its lackeys the United States and Canada and the Australian ANZACs won a decisive victory against Germany in the greatest European war of WW2.
Before people of colour, the term used was visible minorities. An Asian person is only a visible minority if they're in Canada or the US etc. If an Asian lives in Asia, they would be one of the moral majority. But if an Asian was in Asia there would be other forces such as classism and political factionism and even religious factionism. For example, China has had at least one civil war in the past 100 years. Ireland had a religious civil war known as 'the troubles'. Human history is ghastly and wretched.
Being one of the moral majority doesn't really help you in the advent of a civil war. East Indians are the majority when they're in India but classism in the forms of a caste system is a forum of classism is on a level that has been perfected to a science.
Even if one lived in a country where they're one of the racial majority, if you're poor you might believe that the rich are conspiring against you and if you're rich you might believe that the poor are conspiring against you.
That's what makes me a specieist. The human species is ghastly and wretched and egregious and pernicious and very cliquey. I would trade my life for my mother's life. Instead of her dying all those decades ago, I wish I had died instead. Life never worked out for me while life was going quite swimmingly for my mother. My mother was more together mentally than I am.
Sunday, May 14, 2023
Mothers Day is always so depressing. My mother died when I was an infant. My stepmother was very mean but she taught me a certain set of values and discipline. It was because of either of my parents influence that I am who I am today. My stepmother is a very talented artist. I wish either of my mothers the best on Mothers Day.
My mother didn't abort me and my life hasn't been the same ever since.
Shu Mai of Star Wars. The question is, if Shu Mai is there where is Har Gow and Phoong Jow?
As the dim sum cart vendor would say, "Har Gow, Shu Mai, Phoong Jow."
Translated: rice paper shrimp dumpling, ground pork in wonton wrap, and braised chicken feet.
This morning at 1 am, I saw a thumbnail of a YouTube video which was a picture of something that looked like Shu Mai of the Geonosis war room. I never got the title of the video but the thumbnail looked like a purple froggy gnome-like creature wearing a gold hot and with an open mouth looking up and smiling. I accidentally pressed the refresh bottom and lost that video maybe forever. I really really wanted to see that video. I've been watching a lot of 'What If Wes Anderson Had Directed...' Star Wars and Lord of the Rings videos and also Star Wars AI generated and Star Wars steam punk videos. But most of the time when I am able to click on a video I thought would be really great, it turned out to be less than my expectations. I've put lots of YouTube videos on watch later which would then be stored on my YouTube history thinking I'll watch it later but then I never watched it later. Even if I did see this video I either wouldn't think much of it or else totally forgot it ever existed a week later.
There is a Star Wars Hieronymous Bosch video that is mind blowing. It is AI generated images of what if Hieronymous Bosch painted Star Wars paintings.
I hope through some miracle that I get a chance to see that Wes Anderson influenced AI generated midjourney steampunk video with the thumbnail of Shu Mai of the Geonosis war table of Star Wars. I really hope I saw that. One slip and the page refreshed itself and I lost the chance to see the video with the most intriguing thumbnail. Oh my goodness. What a travesty.
Cat Miin of Geonosis of Star Wars. Maybe the thumbnail was a picture of Cat Miin.
Through some miracle I think I found it. The video is called Every Version of the Podrace from FilmSpaced on YouTube. The thumbnail looks very much like it. The video isn't as good as I thought.
This is the screenshot I think I saw. Looks a lot like Shu Mai and or Cat Miin.
I went to the Presbyterian Church today. It was good.
I returned home in the afternoon. Today is one of the hottest May 14ths ever recorded. Unseasonably and unreasonably hot weather makes me want to give up on life. Some Like It Hot. The Royal BC Museum has a sign that reads
that in 2080, the average temperature in British Columbia will have gone up 8 degrees Celsius. That's too hot. So hot that it makes life not worth living. Anything that's too difficult is not worth doing at all including living life.
I visited Heather in the evening for Mothers Day. She is the closest thing I have to a mother.
Emily Shepard - Single Goats Dream is a great song. YouTuber Kino Corner used this song in his video called The Beginners Guide To Cinema.
The real song is called Church of 8 Wheels - Otis McDonald.
Monday May 15, 2023
Woke up in fear. How long will this damn fear continue? It makes me want to give up on life altogether. That I'm still living is God's choice. I'm not sure that it's my choice. Life is too difficult.
Visited Heather today. We went to 7-11 for a Slurpee.
Thailand had its latest election and the Move Forward Party won the election, tentatively. The News said the Move Forward Party plans on forming a coalition government with 5 other Parties but the military junta plan to supper this by appointing political candidates to filibuster Parliament.
When I was in Thailand between the year 2000 and 2003, the main political parties were the Thaksin Shinawatraist Party Thai Rak Thai and Chart Thai.
I'm worried that Ukraine will be another Vietnam. Since World War 1, as in World War 2, the Russians were allies as World War 1 was Britain France and Italy VS Germany Austria-Hungary and Russia or the Triple Entente or Entente Cordiale VS the Central Powers whereas World War 2 was Britain France and Russia VS Germany Austria and Italy or else the Allies vs the Axis Powers. Anyways since World War 1, Americans were unable to win a war against Russia or more accurately Russian back countries such as Korea and Vietnam. If the US couldn't take on even Russian backed countries let alone Russia, how could NATO take on Russia? In Korea and Vietnam, Russia and China covertly backed up Korea and Vietnam.
Austria-Hungary ended in October 1918. After that it was Austria and then separately, Hungary.
Russia would either win or else wind up getting half of Ukraine, what that would look like would be unclear whether Ukraine would wind up being North and South Ukraine like Korea is now or like Vietnam was for a few years or East and West Ukraine like East and West Germany was. That's what any thinking man or woman would realistically place their money.
The Ukraine war could last for as long as five years or until resources and money is depleted then a Treaty would be drafted kind of like the Versailles Treaty or the Treaty of Brest-Litovsk.
Ukraine would then essentially be split by an iron curtain.
If it winds up being East and West Ukraine, Russia would get West Ukraine which, con, is the Chernobyl irradiated side of Ukraine and pro, Russia would prevent first strike capability.
The movie The Courier pointed out that Russia wanted nuclear weapon silos in Cuba so they could get similar first strike capability as the Americans who had nuclear weapons silos in Eastern Europe but of course that never happened. It was scuppered during the Cuban missile crisis as President Kennedy said if the nuclear missiles ever arrived in Cuba, the US would initiate a definite nuclear strike against Russia in which Russia would retaliate and there would have been global thermo nuclear war in 1962. It was a game of chicken, one in which Russia backed down. It was weird and wacky times.
No one reads my blog anyways.
Imax has a new movie called Dinosaurs of Antarctica. I don't know about you but every time I think of Antarctica, I'm thinking of dinosaurs.
Well, Antarctica was once part of Pangea and then it was a tropical land with palm trees. Maybe scientists found some fossilized palm trees and also dinosaur bones in Antarctica. So far there have been 300 species of dinosaurs that have been discovered. But scientists say that is less than 10% of all dinosaur species that has existed. The movie 65 apparently has a dinosaur species that is fictional and made up. Dinosaurs had feathers or else a fatherly lining which most dinosaur movies like 65 don't depict. I guess dinosaurs with a feathers aren't as scary as dinosaurs without feathers and dinosaur movies aim to be scary not accurate. Like the old saying goes, Facts are the enemy of truth.
65 starring Adam Driver.
65 Love Affair - Paul Davis.
Fort St John is on an immediate evacuation alert due to impending forest fires from this record setting heatwave in May. Fort McMurray and Lytton are two towns which have burnt down due to forest fires.
Small towns are known for their fire insurance scams of burning down a building once every 2 or 3 years to make up for the shortfall of the paucity of tourism that exists in towns deemed too small to be worth visiting. But for a whole town to burn down would result in a fire insurance payout of billions of dollars. This wouldn't be a fire insurance scam. It's a forest fire that no humanly forces can contain. It's an act of nature.
Less trees mean less carbon dioxide which absorbs the heat of the sun resulting in a hotter World and one not worth living in.
I've visited Fort St John. I visited the Condill Hotel bar and had a glass of beer. One glass is my limit. I hope that Fort St John survives.
There is a welcoming center in Dawson Creek which is a one hour drive away from Fort St John. Dawson Creek is a small town I once lived in for years. The town of Dawson Creek has a most wonderful and beautiful vibe once you get to know it and it gets into your bones. I met lots of very kind and very smart people in Dawson Creek. It's a slower pace of life and there's no oceanside beaches in Dawson Creek. When I go into my mind and visit Dawson Creek, it's my happy place. One of them. Other happy places of mine include the RCMP St Roch at the Maritime Museum, Sapperton New Westminster, the Connections thrift store in Sidney BC and others including the old turn of the century houses across the street from Oppenheimer Park. I hope that things are all right for Fort St John. I hope that God helps them. However I don't know how much God helps people. This weekend, a 21 year BC old hockey player whose name was Dayton Clarke was struck by a truck and killed in Eugene Oregon where the movie Animal House was filmed. A few years ago, some Coptic Christians got beheaded in Egypt. Where was God for those people? Random nebulous forces are part of God's algorithm and God helps some people and not others.
"Some are born to sweet delight and some are born to endless night." William Blake
In a lot of ways I've been born to endless night and I believe that my life is somewhat cursed. So much so, I don't know if life is worth living. I'm glad I never became a father and helped to bring any children into this world by impregnating a woman. To bring a child into this World is to bring someone into hell what with the rising temperatures of climate change and the housing crisis. Anyone who is poor and brings a child into this World is someone who clearly hasn't thought things through.
The human species is a ghastly wretched pernicious and egregious species.
"Old friends abandon me, It's just the routine politics of jealousy." Steely Dan, The Second Arrangement
The hockey player who died, he got an early reprieve, he won the lottery because the World with its maddening constant record setting temperatures and also the housing crisis makes life not worth living. For the hockey player, the worst is over with and he can enjoy his having escaped from this wretched World. Seeing what has become of the World, I wish I died when I was young like the hockey player did.
When I think of hockey players dying I think of Pelle Lindbergh who died in his Porsche and crashing into a concrete wall going at over 100 miles an hour. And Tim Horton too.
Pelle Lindbergh.
I visited Heather today. We went to Chinatown and then to 7-11 where she bought me a Slurpee. I chose Dragonfruit and Cream Soda.
Today I started watching the movie Call Me By Your Name on Tubi. The movie stars Timothy Chalomet of Dune and The French Dispatch. I want to see what kind of performance he did that was good enough for him to be chosen to be Paul Atriedes in Dune and Dune 2.
I paused it halfway through. I have yet to watch the other half. The movie wasn't that gay but it was certainly kind of gay. Offsetting. This was a male gay movie which had some offsetting male nudity. Ugh. Barf. Barf.
I would prefer to watch a lesbian gay movie which would have female nudity.
One line in the movie went, "Its not true that you can't enter the same river twice. But it's the changing within the river that leads to its sameness." or words to that effect. In other words, The more things change, the more they stay the same. After a nervous breakdown, don't worry. The unsettling changes caused by a nervous breakdown will eventually lead you back to being even more of who you were before.
The movie is a very aesthetic artsy movie of a 17 year old boy who develops some kind of gay thing with an older American mentor who visits the family for awhile. The movie is set in 1983 Northern Italy and an American professor of languages visits the family of an Italian professor of languages.
I think the second half of the movie will involve someone dying. These movies often have a very interesting and riveting storyline.
I don't usually watch gay movies as they are very disturbing to me. But Timothy Chalomet is in the movie. Presumably he's not gay in real life so why would he act in a gay movie? Couldn't they have chosen a gay actor instead? Clearly someone wasn't thinking things through.
Finally watched the entire movie. It was an all right movie. Nobody dies and no plot twists. Just a really queer movie. Kind of boring and offsetting.
Tuesday, May 16, 2023
Woke up in fear. Spent the morning with a slight gnawing fear which I think will never go away.
This morning I went to a hair salon and got a haircut. I'm not cutting my own hair anymore. The hair salon cuts my hair 10 stars out of 10. The way I cut my hair is 4 stars out of 10.
I feel fear because I'm not sure if God is really there to protect me. There is a God but random disorderly forces is part of his algorithm of order. When I look at the News with all the ghastly things that happened to other people and people who went to Church too, I wonder if God protecting us isn't just wishful thinking.
After the haircut I went to Mayfair Mall. I got The French Dispatch on DVD then I went to the food court and got some Chinese food. I was thinking how Kent's Kitchen in Chinatown is closed and Chinese food from the food court at the mall is the closest thing.
I fear the future and I fear that I will live the rest of my life shrouded in some kind of weird fear. Before it was merely depression, anger and boredom. The depression and boredom is still here but the anger has been replaced with fear and anxiety. Not so much anxiety now, that went away. Thank God. But there is a persistent gnawing intellectual fear that never seems to go away.
I'm a misfit toy on the island of misfit toys. There are things about me which make me feel like I'm not suited to life. I look at Granny porn plus I never go out to nightclubs and dance clubs. I always stay home at night. Always. This makes me think that I'm not suited for life and perhaps I'm better off dead but I don't know what's on the other side aka the afterlife. Maybe it's worse.
Therefore that leads me to conclude that existence on any dimension is a trap and a hell. Life is scary, the afterlife is scary. There really is no hope.
I'm pretty sure that God has no interest in helping me. Why would he? Doesn't he have a full plate already?
Life is a disease. I'm glad I didn't extend that disease to others by fathering any children. Life is a disease.
Life is a disease because of global warming and because of the housing crisis.
A YouTube said that things are worse than it was for people who don't go to University such as welfare or else minimum wage jobs where after working a whole month they can't afford rent. And things are not as good as it was for people who do graduate from University such as student loan debt and not that many good jobs to go around especially due to automation and outsourcing. Indeed, life is a disease.
If you're trying to get successful, the world is full of thieves and competitors. If you're happy, there will be people who will try to take that happiness from you such as the News which is full of bad stories. If you try to live a normal life in a town there will be personalities who befriend you only to suck your energy. If you try to make it on YouTube you will be shadow banned. Only a very few make it on YouTube but these are people who would have made it in a world without YouTube. These are people who are talented at business.
I have felt depressed for years and I thought I was better off dead but what if what happens after death is worse especially after suicide? Therefore existence is an unescapable trap. I wish I was never born or else I wish my mother had aborted me in the first trimester. I'm not looking forward to dying. Heaven is wishful thinking. I think the afterlife will be in it's own way just as bad as life. Those with a spirit of depression will definitely always be depressed in the afterlife.
I wish I was like Bruce Lee. Be really rich and successful, own a nice sports car, be really successful with lots of women and then die young at age 32 which is better than living a long lonely boring life in poverty and not being lucky with women at all.
Wednesday, May 17, 2023
Woke up with fear. Again. From two years ago, things have gone from 1 week of nervous breakdown, 2 months of panic attack, almost 2 years of anxiety which has now downgraded to a persistent intellectual fear. Things are getting better. 51 was the worst year of my life. 52 was awful too but not as bad as 51. There is supposedly a U-curve in life. Supposedly one hits a dip or hits bottom somewhere between age 47 and 55 and after that one gets happier and happier. In a lot of ways 51 was worse than any year during my 20s and my 20s particularly my early 20s was the second worst time in my life. My childhood and teens was the 3rd worst time in my life. Lots of confusion and trauma and just naivety and wasted time although at the time I thought I was old and knew everything that there was possibly to know. At any age anyone feels like that. "I know most of what there could be known." life and the future always has surprises and I'm talking about good surprises that one will like in spite of themselves and not the disappointing surprises.
Today I went to Shaw Cable and then to Walmart. I saw my two favorite ladies of Saanich. I bought a copy of Babylon on Blu Ray at Best Buy. It cost $33 with tax. Babylon is a spectacular movie. I seen it on my tablet on a free movie app but seeing it on my 55" HDTV is something else. I was going to get a copy of Game of Thrones House of the Dragon on blu Ray at Walmart for $40 plus tax, but didn't.
I visited Heather. Her nurse was there to take her for a medical check up.
I then went to the pawn store and bought a copy of GOT House of the Dragon on blu ray for $25, saving $15.
I went to the Library and was able to borrow two Wes Anderson movies, Grand Budapest Hotel and Fantastic Mr Fox. Fantastic Mr Fox was a great movie. It is highly recommended.
Even though it is Welfare Wednesday, I didn't smoke any pot today. Welfare Day is drug day and an open license to do your drug of choice preferably discreetly behind closed doors.
Today all day I had a pinched nerve feeling around my heart area. I bought some acetylsalicyclic acid aka no name brand of aspirin. I asked a pharmacist about this at Rexall Drugs. The pharmacist asked if I was out of breath or felt numbness or headaches or radiating pain in my upper left arm. I said no to all. She thought it could be heartburn or indigestion. She advised me not to take the acetylsalicyclic acid.
I took it anyways later on this evening. I felt somewhat better. Doctors always ask a patient if there was any activity that caused the condition. I did pushups yesterday. I just about never do pushups anymore. At one time I did 32 pushups a day 7 days a week. That causes muscle tears also if you haven't done an exercise for a long time and then do it again, that also causes muscle tears and the pain of muscle tears can last up to a few days. Muscle tears, muscle cramps, a good thing to drink is Gatorade because Gatorade has electrolytes which help decrease muscle cramps.
Thursday, May 18, 2023
I went to see the movie Guardians of the Galaxy. I thought of seeing it at the movie theatre in Sidney BC but the theatre in this town has a two storey high screen and a better sound system whereas the theatre in Sidney BC has a one storey high screen. The movie was spectacular and breathtaking. Great movie. Highly recommended.
I then went to Ox King Chinese restaurant and had beef rice noodles.
Ox King cooks in the Northern Chinese style which is very different from the Southern Hong Kong style. It's a bit pricey but worth it.
I then visited sweet Heather. I then went to Dollarama to get some mineral water. I forgot to get Gatorade for my pectoral muscle tear and cramp which is at the heart area which can make one think they are having a heart attack but a heart attack is serious and feels at last ten times worse. If I thought I was having a heart attack I'd either take the bus to the hospital or call 911 without even a second thought without any hesitation. Hesitation means I'm not sure. Going to the hospital is a hassle and I would only go if I absolutely thought that I had to.
I thought of going to the Oswego video store to see if there's any Wes Anderson movies there. But this is a small town and selection in a small town suffers. I'd be able to get that in Vancouver for sure.
I'm thinking of getting Vitamin D3+K2. It is advertised for being good for bones and muscle and cognitive function. Professor Andrew Huberman said it is good for hormones. I'm thinking of getting it to restore my depleted sex drive. It's about $10 a bottle.
One day I might get Truehope Empower Plus to help with my depression. This costs $60 a bottle so I might not get it.
I feel depressed and I feel that life is not worth living. If I knew my life was going to turn out like this years ago, I wouldn't have bothered. Dying young is better than it is to live a long life that is going nowhere.
Friday, May 19, 2023
Today I went to two Library branches to borrow The Isle of Dogs and The Life Aquatic of Steve Suzie, I mean Sisu, I mean Sizzou. Both are Wes Anderson movies. I went to Oswego video but no Wes Anderson movies were available for sale. I did purchase a movie called The Losers and Star Wars The Force Awakens for $4 each. I bought the movie The Losers because I think I'm a closer for not getting laid very often.
"I'm a loser, And I'm not what I appear to be." The Beatles
Getting laid isn't a cut and dried kind of thing. Getting laid especially getting laid often and not just the one time has consequences and responsibilities like possibly being on the hook for child support or the lady dying in childbirth or at the very least trying to keep up a relationship leading to commitment issues and relationship burnout. Even if one hooks up with a prostitute, there's seeing her with other men or else some tacit expectation to get hooked up with her for repeat business hence the term hooker.
And heavy duty sex is a sport which involves a certain amount, a mount no pun intended, of athletic prowess. Either you're good at it or you're not. And I don't think I'm very good at it. Not to the level that I envisioned. Or at the level of porn stars.
I then went to Fan Favorites video store and was able to get The Royal Tenenbaums and Darjeeling Limited which are classic Wes Anderson movies. Ever since I saw the YouTube videos of What if Wes Anderson Directed Star Wars and Lord of the Rings, I got into Wes Anderson movies. He's a genius. Hollywood was so lucky to get a genuine genius working for them. He might have been undiscovered. I did animated cartoons with my signature directorial touches but Wes Anderson is on another level.
Today as I was going with my scooter to cross a drive way on Douglas street at the Empress Hotel entrance, a red SUV turning right honked at me. He shouldn't have honked. Pedestrians have the right of way. That guy probably honks at pedestrians often as people work in patterns.
Today I fell off my scooter on Menzies street near Dallas Road. I out my hands out in front of me saving me from the full impact of a fall. When falling, try to roll into like a Hollywood stuntman.
My anxiety has been totally gone for quite awhile now. I just feel neutral. No anxiety at all. Whoever said a prayer for me about my anxiety, I want to thank them.
I think that the next Indiana Jones movie will be terrible, just terrible. Everyone on the internet in the comments section just hates it. I'll probably see the movie because I'm a fan of Indiana Jones but I expect to be intensely disappointed. The best Indiana Jones movies were the first two. The 3rd was watered down and boring, the 4th was cheesy, nebulous and bizarre and the 5th I think will be just darn wretched. No movie in the history of movies had a part 5 movie that was good except for Star Wars Attack of the Clones. Ben Kenobi jumping out the window and catching that flying drone was one of the best scenes in the entire history of Hollywood. It was mind-blowing.
Of the Stars Wars part 6 to 9 sequels, The Force Awakens was the best. All the rest was just belabouring a point. They were extraneous. Episode 8 The Last Jedi was nebulous, bizarre and trashy and Episode 9 Rise of Skywalker was hideous, ghastly and awful. It's better to go to a Chinese restaurant and eat noodles than it is to go to a movie theatre and watch Star Wars episodes 8 and 9 and also possibly Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny.
The Dial of Destiny? They should have named it The Dial of WTF is this?!
Well if I don't like it or don't want to, I just have to not go to the theatre and watch it. No one is legally required to go and watch The Dial of Destiny in theatres.
All sequels of the 80s movies sucks. The last two Ghostbusters movies weren't very good. Even Ghostbusters 2 released in 1989 was nowhere near as good as the first Ghostbusters. I don't know if the original Ghostbusters would have been good with John Belushi. Perhaps, perhaps not. John Belushi movies 1941 and Neighbours were movies that are largely overlooked. I didn't see either of them. John Belushi only good movies were Animal House which is a hit it out of the ballpark level of movie and Blues Brothers which was iconic and hypnotic in its sheer scale of storytelling.
I wish John Belushi would have lived long enough to star in Ghostsmashers which later became Ghostbusters. But the original plan was to have just Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi as the 2 lead characters sort of like a paranormal ghost hunting version of the Blues Brothers. Ghostbusters was really good probably better with Bill Murray, Harold Ramis and Ernie Hudson added to the cast as 4 lead characters.
Saturday, May 20, 2023
Early this morning, I drank some coca leaf tea sprinkled with baking powder while watching Darjeeling Limited which is a Wes Anderson movie. Bill Murray racing in an East Indian taxicab in India had real cocaine vibes. Everyone knows that in Hollywood, a lot of people use cocaine. Cocaine is a very psychotic drug and I wouldn't use it. Coca leaf tea is much milder and gave me a powerful light headed feeling. I wouldn't drink it every day. Just once every few months to once a year. The movie is about 3 brothers who go to India to find their mother who is teaching Catholicism in an East Indian ashram. I don't know about you but every time I think of ashrams, I think of Catholicism. Sarcasm. The movie has a death scene which is a downer. I had to remind myself that a movie is a play, pretend, ersatz. No one actually died.
Before filmed movies were invented, lots of people were employed as actors doing stage plays at play houses, all towns even small towns had their regular troupe of actors and actresses.
Today I went to Sidney BC. I went to the Sidney Museum. There is a new display there of local photographs of the sea shore.
I went to the tea shop and got some valerian root tea blend with chamomile. Then I went to The Fickle Farmer bakery and got 2 cheddar croissants for Heather. I got myself a London Fog flavoured ice cream cone.
I then walked around the harbour and then visited the Sidney aquarium aka The Centre for the Salish Sea.
I went to the movie theatre and saw The Book Club part 2. It's about 4 old ladies who go on a trip to Italy because one of them at the age of 70 is about to get married for the first time to a man she first got involved with when she was in her 20s. The movie shows that old age can be a very good time and nothing to worry about. I then went to a Chinese restaurant.
On the way back on the bus that drove down the highway, I listened to Gino Vannelli songs such as Santa Rosa, The Evil Eye, The River Must Flow, and Valley of Valhalla. Listening to Gino Vannelli song while driving down the highway in the evening is magic.
Sidney is such a beautiful small town that I want to move there. That might be impossible but I never know what the future can bring.
Matthew 19:26 "With man it is impossible but with God all things are possible."
God has the power to help me move to Sidney.
I then went to visit Heather.
I drank some coffee today and now feel some anxiety. Caffeine always gives me anxiety and its painful. But I'll get over it in a few hours. I don't know why caffeine does this to me now. I used to be able to drink it with no problem. Two years ago, I drank lots of energy drinks plus coffee and stayed up to 5 am and woke up at 7 am and did this for months on end. That broke something in me that hasn't been repaired so now whenever I drink caffeine, I feel the most wretchedly painful anxiety.
I still feel anxiety now.
Caffeine doesn't give you energy, it just blocks the receptors that make a person tired. These receptors are called adenosine receptors.
While I was on coca leaf tea last night, I reflected on some of the crazy things, crazy dogma I always say,
Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing - As long as I am alive, life is owing and paying me good health, air to breathe, and the sun rising every morning. I owe it to life to revere and to respect the process of life including uncertainties and unpleasantness which serve to teach and strengthen the spirit.
If life hasn't been doing it for me, why should I do it for life? - But life has been doing it for me. I've always had good health, a roof over my head, food to eat and most often good food too and life has provided me with lots of girlfriends. I also have a big screen TV and the internet and tablets.
The value of life is finite because the nature of life is finite. - The value of life may be finite but it is still very expensive and precious just as fine jewels have a certain finite value but they are still very expensive and precious.
Besides the pandemic, the first few years of this decade can be defined by the two most hated women in the world, namely Meghan Markle and Kathleen Kennedy. Its difficult to say who is more hated.
Meghan Markle is an industry unto herself with her book deals and podcasts but the hating of Meghan Markle has become a cottage industry so much so that if you were to compile and print every scathing YouTube comment about Meghan Markle, you'd have a book that is thicker than the Bible, probably Encyclopedia Britannica too. Same with Kathleen Kennedy. A book with all the angry YouTube comments about Kathleen Kennedy would be quite the weighty tome.
If you don't like Kathleen Kennedy's movies, just don't watch them. Watch cinema instead that is devoid of Kathleen Kennedy like Wes Anderson movies or else Bollywood movies or else Korean movies. Kathleen Kennedy produced movies has a certain directorial style and production values but she has never made a movie as bad and tasteless as Cannibal Holocaust. The women of Kathleen Kennedy produced movies are strong and can stand up to and fight toxic men who demean women which is better than the withering damsel in distress of movies of old. Everyone would want a daughter who is strong and can fight bad men as the women in Kathleen Kennedy movies can.
Meghan Markle. Her marriage is her business and the Royal Family's business too. It's one thing to spend five minutes saying something about Meghan Markle but YouTubers like Lady C spend endless hours talking about Meghan Markle. Lady C is 73 years old. Meghan Markle is 41 years old.
"Did you hear what that ten year old said about me? What an asshole."
"No. You are asshole."
"Why?"
"Because you care about the words of a baby."
That was a conversation that a 33 year old me had with my Thai friend when I was in Thailand. I was the one complaining about the words of a child.
Lady C is 30 years older than Meghan. Could you see a 73 year old Meghan Markle talking about a 41 year old Lady C? Well, in any event, you never see Meghan Markle making a video about Lady C saying, "Did you hear what Lady C said about me? I have a few things to say about her. Starting with..."
I don't know too much about Meghan Markle and I don't want to know simply because her life is none of my business. Prince Harry loves her enough not to have left her otherwise he would have.
You would think that Meghan Markle is the World War 2 guy with all the bad press and evil words said about her.
I wish Princess Meghan the best. Everyone, all of us including Meghan Markle has individually and collectively to deal with the fearsome uncertain future in one way or another. Wallis Simpson was not as hated as Meghan Markle. And Wallis Simpson married a King and was exiled to the Bahamas. Like Meghan Markle, Wallis Simpson was an American divorcee who married a British Royal.
Kathleen Kennedy movies are all very visually spectacular and her movies also have very strong male characters but somehow that is glossed over. I don't know if Kathleen Kennedy is the best movie producer ever but she certainly isn't the worst.
I'd give the new Indiana Jonesing and the Vial of Methiny movie a watch. I don't expect much due to all the vitriolic YouTube comments about the movie. But I might be pleasantly surprised.
Lady C is a very smart, articulate and entertaining speaker. She would be like this on any topic whether it's the hatred of Meghan Markle or any other topic. But Lady C loves to talk endlessly about how she disapproves of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle who are more than 30 years her junior.
Sunday, May 21, 2023
I went to the Presbyterian Church. I worked the sound system today.
I went home. I spent the afternoon listening to the Dec 27 2020 DJ Mix from XL Middleton on YouTube and thought of Church and thought of Sidney BC. I felt good.
Later, after a nap, I felt anxiety for about an hour. I drank valerian root tea and felt good.
Chamomile tea from the tea shop is better than supermarket tea in tea bags from brand names. Chamomile tea from tea shops is full chamomile buds. Supermarket chamomile tea is powdered chamomile. Chamomile tea from the tea shop put me to sleep like a non OTC over the counter sleeping pill.
Later I watched Game of Thrones House of the Dragon.
That Royal Family on Game of Thrones had a few problems and were certainly not the perfect family situation. Viserys Targaryen, the King had an arm amputated due to some slow flesh eating disease. Alicent Hightower and Rhaenarys Targaryen were against one another. Alicent knew that once Rhaenarys becomes Queen, she will try to kill any threats to her rule namely Alicent Hightower and her children. Rhaenarys Targaryen has at least one secret lover even though she is married. Laenor Visaryon, who is Rhaenarys husband had at least one secret lover, all of them gay lovers.
The Coronation of King Charles showed a few imperfect things. King Charles has sausage fingers. Queen Camilla is a Royal stepmother. Princess Diana would have been Queen Consort had she played her cards right and looked the other way regarding Charles affair with Camilla and had she not had so many most indiscreet love affairs or any at all. Prince Harry is estranged living in America with a divorce. At one time divorces weren't even allowed in the presence of Royalty at the Royal Court. Now half the Royals has divorced, King Charles, Prince Andrew, Princess Anne and Prince Harry's wife.
The only perfect Royal couple is Prince William and Princess Catherine. YouTube said Prince William has had a secret love affair with another lady but I find that difficult to believe. How secret is it if it's on YouTube? These are unfounded spurious rumours. I don't believe it.
I then watched the TV show Fatal Attraction but fell asleep during it. So I'll have to try to watch it again.
Monday, May 22, 2023
Today I visited Heather. We watched the annual Victoria Day Parade on television. No Star Wars display this year.
We then went to the Food Court at the mall and had Chinese food.
On the News, a guy named Keen Lau died in Lynn Canyon. He died trying to rescue his dog and was swept away in the rapids. The News said he went away too too soon. I think he went away at the right time. I envy him. I wish I died young like he did. Now he doesn't have to worry about getting old and old age. I wish I could skip old age altogether. However unsuccessful and boring my life was when I was young, old age is more unsuccessful and more boring. The body can't do what it once did. It slowly falls apart. Dying young is winning the lottery of existence. Especially since I never got married or had children. There's nothing to live for. I hope I die quickly and painlessly. I wish I died years ago. Life has cheated me out of an early death.
The best thing is not to grow old if you could possibly avoid it.
Jesus himself was able to skip old age altogether.
Tuesday, May 23, 2023
I went to the tea shop to get some valerian root tea. Original blend. It's called Good Night Moon.
Then I visited Heather.
This afternoon I ate some popcorn. One flake of psyllium husk from the popcorn lodged into a fold near my throat at the back of my mouth. When I try to breather in from my nose like pulling nasal mucous from my nose to my mouth, I feel a slightly painful scratching feeling. The mouth repairs itself and I should be be better in three days or less. I've had things like this before. I can't remember when. It's a nuisance more than anything else.
One minute later. It's out and gone now. A reddit post said to cough. I searched popcorn husk stuck in my upper mouth near the throat. I coughed and it came out just like that. It's quite a sizable one. About half an inch across. I feel a lot better now.
I coughed while I was lying down on my pillow with my head leaning forward. The Reddit comment said that one had to cough in a certain way.
Years ago I read a YouTube comment that was an angry reply to another comment. The angry reply read, "Stop sitting on your neck."
Lying on a pillow with the head leaned forward is lying on the neck. It was in this position while coughing that got the huge popcorn husk unstuck from my upper mouth near the throat. I thank God for helping me.
At one point when the husk was there I imagined dying of an infection or going in for intensive surgery to get the popcorn husk out. What would that have looked like?
Wednesday, May 24, 2023
David Eby is the appointed but not elected Premier of BC. He could call an election sooner than later taking advantage of the honeymoon period because political parties in Canada usually last for about 10 to 12 years. If he waits too long, the NDP may have worn out its welcome. People voted for the NDP because they were disaffected by the BC Liberals now the BC United.
I would vote for Grace Lore NDP in the next Provincial election. She's one of the best politicians in the World. That's how it works, one usually doesn't vote for the Premier directly unless you're living in his riding. You vote for his representative. Sometimes one likes the leader but doesn't like the representative or vice versa. In this case I like the leader and the representative so in this case, I'm in luck. David Eby will be a good elected Premier as he is a good appointed Premier.
Kevin Falcon, Leader of the BC United seems like a wing nut. But I could be wrong. I could meet him and really like him. Politicians are like that. They seem one way on television and another way in real life. It's a politicians job to make you like him, as the novel Rising Sun said.
A right wing politician like Kevin Falcon could be more aggressive against tent cities and the mentally ill wandering city streets and could open a mental hospital like Riverview again. But so could a left wing politician.
Much to my own shame and chagrin, I am still smoking tobacco.
I went with Heather to the hair salon. I went for an errand for Heather and saw a young lady working at a store whom I haven't seen for over a month. I thought she quit. I saw my friend Bex today too.
Tina Turner, Superstar died at age 83. She was a major legend.
I went to the pawn store near the Police station. I looked for Grand Budapest Hotel on blu ray. Not there. I got the blu ray of Bruno, which is a Sacha Baron Cohen Movie that is just as funny if not funnier than Borat.
I rescued a bee from the road. It would have got run over and squished for sure. I released it into the bushes.
Thursday, May 25, 2023
I went to 2 libraries and borrowed a few DVDs 1 blu ray that I placed on reserve. I went to Pic A Flic video store, a local institution that is going to close in September. DVD rentals, Blockbuster video, most of these stores close down because the Library has gotten in on the video borrowing market and also there are so much free movies on YouTube and Tubi.
Even though Pic A Flic is closing, there are still a couple of video rental places in Victoria BC such as Oswego Video and Audio Visual Replay.
At Pic A Flic, I got a DVD called Young Victoria.
I went to Ox King restaurant and got lamb bone soup which is a $27 dish. It was a large sumptuous dish. It was pricey but tasty. That's the standard price of restaurant meals these days when the minimum wage is a little over $16 an hour.
I borrowed Get Back from the Library. It's a 3 disc 2 and a half hours each disc documentary of The Beatles mostly showing rehearsing songs for their next albums. At one time everyone in a lot of towns all over the World wanted to be The Beatles. People bought incense and drugs like weed and acid, had psychedelic posters and read new age spirituality books.
The Beatles lived mainly in London. London is the only real city. Every other town except for New York and Los Angeles is a backwater. If you lived in London and went to any other town, you would think that you had taken a step backwards. Of course all towns, all backwater towns think that they are equal to London when they're not even close.
The Beatles music is kind of drab. Not jazzy. Nor having any catchy synthesizer beats like Psychic Mirrors, XL Middleton, Zackey Force Funk and Neil Frances. The only The Beatles albums I like is Abbey Road, Yellow Submarine and The White Album and Rubber Soul.
London has its disadvantages. Huge sprawling city. All things very expensive although the poor who lived there for decades know a lot of shortcuts. And very fast pace of life. Some people like a slower pace of life. London has several different types of British accents.
The Beatles were a very plastic stylized gaudy 60s. But they got a lot of money. 2 of The Beatles are dead now. I think the original Paul McCartney died because he had a rounder moon face and his head is differently shaped than the Faul McCartney of the Beatles 1967 and after. The only normal and good Beatles is Ringo Starr. Ringo quit all drugs, tobacco and alcohol decades ago.
I only watched about 15 minutes of it. It was too boring.
I'm not sure I want to bother living the next few decades of my life. I want to skip it altogether if I possibly could. If I could die quickly and painlessly, I would certainly choose that option. Life is boring and a hassle and a struggle. My life is going nowhere and I don't really want to live. Seeing how my life has turned out, I wish I died decades ago. Singer Samantha Weinstein died at age 28. I wish I died at age 28. Better to die young than to live a long life that goes nowhere.
The Disney Star Wars movies were not worth living for to see. If at one time I held off suicide so I could see the new Star Wars movies, it turned out that I stalled suicide for nothing and I should have went through with it because any new Star Wars and Indiana Jones movies is a waste of time and not worth living for to see. Life has cheated me out of an early death.
Next year I might apply for MAID in Canada for the chronically depressed. Working for Heather with no end in sight is certainly something that is definitely not worth living for.
Joyce Meyer said the world got worse in the last 20 years and will get worse in the next 20 years.
There is nothing worth living for.
Friday, May 26, 2023
Walked to the harbour. I went to the bank and got my spare change coins traded in for a few dollars. I saw Heather when I was walking down the street. I went to the mall to play Dr Mario but a lady was there playing the game already. Murphy's Law. I saw no one playing Dr Mario for a few weeks. On the day I decide to play it naturally someone was there.
Me and Heather went for ice cream. While we were sitting in a bench in Government Street, an aggressive Chinese panhandler just happened to be on that street talking loudly with a Chinese accent saying, "I'm hungry! Do you have three dollars?!" What a delinquent. Nuisance. Scuzzy parasite. Ne'er do well. Rumour is, he has money in the bank but still aggressively panhandles. A black man who works for the city said to him, "Get a job!"
After visiting Heather I went back to the mall to play Dr Mario. A man was there who happened to be the husband of the lady who was playing Dr Mario earlier. He said to me, "A Dr Mario fan, I see. Do you want to play two player?" I agreed. Why not. I played a quick two player game. He then said that they had to leave soon as they were from Bellingham. The man then gave me two game tokens as a gift as he and his wife weren't going to use them. It turned out to be a nice day.
Saturday, May 27, 2023
I went to the Community Centre and saw Heather there. Me and Heather had lunch at the Community Centre, then to Chinatown and then to McDonald's. We then went to Dollarama. Heather bought me a bottle of mango juice and I got myself a bottle of mineral water.
I spent the rest of the day at home. One of my Huawei tablets used to give a warning when the battery was at 20%. It would then shut down automatically when it got to near zero percent. Now it shuts off without warning when it gets to 35%. Its been doing this for the last couple of days. Electronics and technology is weird. I now will have to be very vigilant about battery level on that tablet. I use two tablets. When the battery of one of them runs out, I use the other one while the other one is charging.
YouTube video: Alan Watts Opens Up About Religion. Uploader: Dorothy Shelton
Alan Watts said that religion is a kind of scam. The books of the Old Testament wasn't even decided by Jewish people during Jesus's time. It was decided at the Synod of Jamnia in around 100 AD.
The books of the New Testament was decided in 387 AD during the time of Pope Damasus.
In the Christian Bible, Jesus said, "I am the Son of God." But in the original Greek Bible, he said, "I am a Son of God." meaning that each of us has the divinity of God within us if we choose to tap into it.
Alan Watts also brings up the Hebrew term Ruach Adonai which means the divinity within us.
It was an interesting video but clearly Jesus was on another level. He could do miracles and somehow he chose to be crucified when he could have easily escaped because crucifixion was part of his end game for his mission on Earth and that crucifixion happened for a divine purpose that wouldn't be the same if anyone else was crucified. I wish Jesus didn't get crucified. He was a very good and gentle and kind person. I sometimes imagine going back in a time machine and machine gunning all those who were responsible for Jesus getting crucified. But what would that do for me?
As Dan Aykroyd once said, we all get assigned to a zone in the afterlife that corresponds with our personal karma. What kind of karma would machine gunning a bunch of people bring? Not good. Well, as bad and painful an event as it was, it's long been gotten over with and Jesus fulfilled his purpose that he wanted to fulfill and Jesus knew what he was doing.
We all have that spark of divinity within us on a minor level but Jesus had it on a major level.
Whether the books of the Old and New Testament were decided upon during Jesus time or some time after, the story remains the same. Or as Stephen King once wrote, "However you arrange the variables, the equation remains the same." I guess Stephen King is talking about the distributive and the commutative principles of mathematics.
Six of one is half a dozen of the other.
If time travel is time experienced in an objective level since everything is happening simultaneously, the algorithm of time has a distributive aspect. Whatever point you are at in time, it is always 'now'.
Going back in time with a time machine and machine gunning those responsible for the crucifixion of Jesus doesn't mean that I would be guaranteed to survive. There a lot of Roman centurions around. All a Roman centurion had to do was to land a lucky strike with a throwing knife or a spear or an arrow and I'd be gone and the crucifixion would resume.
Or what if I did succeed and the time machine broke down and I was stuck in 33 AD for life? That would lead to chronic long term lifelong major panic attacks and major anxiety attacks. And what if the locals reverse engineered the machine gun I was using? To say that World history would have changed for sure would be an understatement.
Since Jesus was, if you pardon the expression, hell bent to get crucified, he would have then arranged to get a rain check on his crucifixion and to simply get crucified at a later date.
Well, that was my Walter Mitty moment.
Sunday, May 29, 2023
Went to Church this morning. A sweet young lady who was there left early and didn't go for coffee, breaking my heart. I like her. I'm worried that people there would be spreading bad rumors about me to her. They might be jealous of us being together. But all worries I ever had at that Church were unfounded. Christians are just as spiritual as New Age spirituality people if not more. They are good people. They are not a cult and I always wind up underestimating their goodness and kindness. A lot of them are old but they don't seem to fear old age like I do. I love them and I imagine a theme park or camp where we could all live together full time, all 7 days a week.
I watched the movie The Meg. In real life, there is no megaladons around today. Quora said that megaladons disappeared around the time more intelligent whales evolved to make their appearance on Earth. These whales hunt in packs and megaladons are solitary hunters. Whales are mammals and sharks are fish. Megaladons like to stay hidden in the deep water but the deep water is too cold. People would hunt them but no one has seen a Megalodon. Nor has anyone ever found any megaladons teeth washed up on beaches or on the floor of the ocean.
A megaladons is just slightly smaller than a sperm whale and not as large as movies make them appear. Again, facts are the enemy of truth particularly in dinosaur and megaladon movies. A blue whale is much larger than a megaladon.
Whales with teeth are called odontocetes.
Whales with baleens and no teeth are called mysticeti.
Unlike the meg, the coelacanth is a living fossil. There are only two species one living in the Indian Ocean near Indonesia and the other species living in Africa off the waters of Madagascar.
Years ago at Christ Church Cathedral I said to an old bearded man, short white beard wearing a brown tweed suit, "I sometimes doubt my sanity."
He then said, "We all do."
I think I'm crazy. I listen to lots of music on YouTube. Besides Psychic Mirror, Neil Frances and XL Middleton, I discovered new groups, Surface, Mofak and Dabuell. Good music. Modern funk music is better than 70s and 80s music.
Two days ago, I took a lot of screenshots of Debbie Hellion at the pot shop on Robson Street. I think Debbie Hellion is a beautiful lady. Ladies in general are beautiful otherwise the human species would grind to a halt.
But that's crazy!
There are people in town crazier than me like the Oriental guy who yells, "I'm hungry! Do you have $20?!" or Eric the young Michael Jackson guy who flips out and yells at people or the tall guy with the red beard who smells strongly of urine. Yet somehow they didn't get sent to a mental hospital.
Next to them, I'm a tower of mental strength.
The population in Canada and the US is simultaneously too high and too low to support mental hospitals. When Canada's population was a lot less, there was Riverview and Essondale mental hospitals. Thailand has 60 million people in an area a third of the size of BC has mental hospitals.
The US has lots of people living in tents along the side of highways whom two generations ago would be in a mental hospital.
Monday, May 29. 2023
Today, I went to a Chinese restaurant and had noodles. I then walked to Christ Church Cathedral and back to my apartment. My lower back is sprained. I bent over too far to the ground to pick up something and this has happened a few times before. Today my lower back was in such pain. About a 2 out of 10. I noticed this since Saturday. Further strain, even unconscious or involuntary of course exacerbates the pain and extends the time until it fully heals.
I smoked some of a roach I found on the street. I'm back to smoking pot again. I did it because of pain in the lower back. It slightly improves the situation.
Tuesday, May 30, 2023
Lower pain very much in pain. Sprained it. Best not to just lie down but to do stretches.
I went to the Imax theatre and saw Six Animal Kingdom Families.
Then I went to visit Heather. I told her about my lower back pain. The pain has been there since Saturday.
I discovered a new game on Nintendo DS. It's called Think. It has some good brain training games. Some are my favorite. Others not so much.
I smoked pot every day for the past five days. Not all day, just once a day.
Wednesday, May 31, 2023
Back pain still here. I took a brief walk. In its own way having lower back pain for a few days is as challenging as traveling to another town for a few days but in different ways. If I can handle one, I can handle another.
I met a few ladies named Gail.
The name Gail is from the Bible.
Abigail was the wife of Nabal.
King David's men asked a wealthy man named Nabal for supplies. But instead of giving the supplies, Nabal insulted King David. King David was so angry that he said that tomorrow, not a single member of Nabal's family would live. Abigail pleaded with King David and she displayed respect to King David. King David was so moved that he decided to spare Nabal's family. However, ten days later, Nabal died. King David then took Abigail as one of his wives.*
*source: Joel Osteen. Dealing With Negative People. YouTube
1 Samuel: 25 - 31
