April 2023 Psychic Mirrors

Saturday, April 1, 2023

Woke up with a tiny bit of fear. Fear of the future. I don't know if I want to grow old if I could possibly avoid it. The future sucks and growing old sucks. What's the point? Why even bother? 

Today I visited Heather. I got her computer screen fixed. 

After that I went to the pawn store to look at the Nintendo 3DS. It has all right 3D effects but it's not worth $250 plus the price of games.

The four stages of culture shock are 1. The honeymoon phase 2. The frustration phase 3. The adjustment phase 4. The acceptance phase

Homesickness come between the frustration phase and the adjustment phase and also between the adjustment phase and the acceptance phase. 

I heard a song on YouTube called Feel Like Making Love. I don't even remotely feel like that. My sex drive has gone out the window and I have sex anxiety. At this point, what's the point of even living? I'm baffled that I'm still alive. The Canadian government has a medically assisted suicide program that even extends to people who are depressed. Apparently, anyone can just tell the medical authorities that they are depressed and don't want to go on and the government will give them medically assisted suicide. There's already a suicide every 17 minutes in North America, Canada is the 41st most suicidal country in the World and this would be better than having to live with a botched suicide. It's an interesting ideal, but the reality is that I must go on living. I have to set a good example. I wouldn't want anyone that I know well to commit suicide. Life could get really really great later on, so great that anyone would say that they're glad they didn't commit suicide so they could live to experience this, whatever it is. 

Sunday, April 2, 2023

I don't know about writing online. In a documentary about Pornhub, different performers refused to upload their videos to Pornhub because they were always getting stolen. I think the videos I uploaded to YouTube and the writings I do here get stolen and published somewhere else. Publishing is a very dishonest industry. George Orwell didn't get a lot of money for his book Down and Out in Paris and London but for years he tried to look for his book in bookstores and it was always sold out, it was so popular. But he didn't see any of that money. 

On YouTube, Sadhguru, Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer get their videos stolen and rebroadcast on YouTube under different channel names. 

There is a saying in business, "It's not the idea so much as the execution of that idea." Some of the biggest business are made from stolen ideas such as Facebook where one college student stole the idea from another and turned it into a massive online empire. 

File sharing and file stealing has killed the bottom line. That's the human species. It makes life not worth living. 

Or a lot of people might hate read my writings. Enemies or anyone who is envious of me for whatever reason. 

Mind reading is an ANT, automatic negative thought. Mel Robbins said that one of the lies about your mind tells you is that people don't like you when they actually like you more than you realize. 

I felt negative in Church today. I felt that I didn't want to go through old age and if God could just cut it short for me. My old age and future will probably be boring, pointless and not something I like, so why should I go through with it? The afterlife is uncertain and scary and nebulous. I'd have to go through with that anyways. It's an existential weight I have to carry. But old age is another existential weight that I may or may not have to carry. So why doesn't God cancel my old age so that I'd only have one existential weight to carry rather than two? 

As if echoing my thoughts, the Pastor said that the crucifixion wasn't something that Jesus wanted but knew that he had to face. Old age is like that. Not something that you want but have to face nonetheless. 

For some people, old age is the best and most exciting time in their life. For eg, most of the Presidents of the United States were over 50 and even over 60 before they became the President. Most people won't be a President or anything like that, but they would experience something very tremendous and exciting and something that they'd really like. 

After going to Church, I walked to the beach. I met a nice lady at Church, but every year or for sure every decade throws a bunch of new people that I'm meeting and then upon reflection, I really like them. 

I'm still smoking tobacco. Shame on me. 

Monday April 3, 2023

I learned from YouTube channel Screencrush - Mandalorian Season 3 Episode 5 Ending Explained that when a person drinks alcohol, it gets broken down in the gut to a toxic compound known as acetaldehyde. Zbiotics is a drink that when drunk before drinking alcohol, a person can drink a lot without getting a hangover in the morning. 

I woke up feeling all right. These days I still get microbursts of anxiety but nothing like in the old days. 

On the News there were two old ladies Ellie Hambey and Sandy Hazelip  aged 81. They went around the World in 80 days at age 81 which is the name of their Facebook account. They say that age is just a number. 

On the same broadcast on Sunday, April 3, Chek News, a 91 year old man named Ken Gibbard is still paddling a canoe with a team of people to raise money for a good cause which is Easter Seals Camp Shawnigan. 

Keanu Reeves is almost 59 but he recently starred in the John Wick 4 movie and even at that age he is still a very active adventurer. I'm almost 53 and I think the best days are over. I think I'm old and there is nothing new under the sun. I'm over the hill. I'd like to skip old age altogether. 

I don't know that I'll make it to 80. What's the point. Old age is associated with loss of physical strength and loss of teeth. I'd like to skip old age altogether. There's no advantage to old age. King Charles the 3 will be coronated in about 5 weeks or less. But it's at when he is 74 years old which is an age when anything stops being fun. 

My fear and anxiety stem from fearing that I'll have to be working for Heather forever with no end in sight. And I make myself work for her. She's not very energetic when it comes to work. She doesn't have a lot of stamina. Other than that, she's a very sweet lady. She's mellow and there is a sweetness about her that makes me love her and also compels me to make myself work for her. The work is light. It's not like working 8 hours in a busy restaurant washing dishes. Not nearly like that. At a restaurant, one can quit without guilt. I wouldn't be able to quit working for Heather without guilt which makes me feel trapped hence my anxiety and fear. 

In the movie The Outfit, the old tailor said to his young female assistant as she was about to leave him to travel to another country, "I'm not going to make you spend the best years of your life looking after me." 

Old age is challenging enough but it looks like I might have to spend my old age looking after Heather. Which is why I'd like to just skip old age altogether. 

I've seen on YouTube that greater numbers of young and middle aged people are being caregivers for their parents. I can understand the burnout that comes from that. And feeling trapped. One can quit because of guilt. 

Rolling Stones - Between A Rock And A Hard Place. Either I stay in this town and be chained to working for Heather or else I move to Vancouver's Downtown Eastside. Neither choice is good. I often think that it would be better if God could just let me die in my sleep. 

A new girlfriend may not be a solution. Most people seem normal until you start prodding them. That's when the fucks up start emerging. An uncomfortable truth of life is that most people that you know seem normal because you don't know them very well. Everyone is a set of advantages and disadvantages. Any new girlfriend I meet will have their advantages or disadvantages and having a girlfriend is like the 4 stages of culture shock, honeymoon phase, frustration phase, adjustment phase and acceptance phase. Most times people never get past the frustration phase. 

"Alone on the farm, Benjamin the donkey refused to believe that a windmill would bring a decrease in their working hours or an increase in their comfort. Without or without a windmill, he said, life will go on as it always has and that is, badly." George Orwell, Animal Farm 

I saw a sign written outside the local hostel which read, 'Life is about problems to solve, lessons to learn and experiences to enjoy'. 

The difficult and edgy times of life are problems to be solved and lessons to be learned. 

Most of the things we worry about won't happen. It's the things that we don't worry about and never anticipated that get you. 

Today I went to visit Heather for awhile. Then I went to Chinatown to get some chicken fried rice then I went home. I ate the rice, the tryptophan got me and I had a good afternoon nap. 

Then I woke up from my afternoon nap wondering how I'm going to manage living the rest of my life. I wish that my mother had aborted me. 

Tuesday, April 4, 2023

Italy has placed a ban on places using the English language. Fines can be up to $150,000 or else 10 billion lira. This is similar to Bill 96 and Bill 101 in Quebec which restricts the use of the English language. 

However in Italy, there are different dialects and a person from the North of Italy might have some challenges understanding a person from the South of Italy. Dialects are different from accents. In North America, there is the British Columbia accent, the Newfoundland or Newfie accent "Lard T'underin' Jesus by!" and then the Brooklyn accent and the Texas Southern drawl etc. but they still all understand one another. And this is different from the British accent. But as demonstrated in the book, My Fair Lady, even the British accent has different accents within it. 

English is the most widely spoken language in the World. How many people in the World speak Italian compared to how many people speak English? 

English is the international language of Science and Aviation. The best movies and the best music of the 60s, 70s and 80s are all in the English language. 

At one time, residential schools run by the Catholic Church headquartered in Vatican City which is a country located in Italy penalized people for not speaking English. Now things have come full circle as Italy penalizes people for speaking English. No law is 100% enforceable especially laws against such a widespread activity as speaking English. Drugs are illegal but there are a lot of junkies in every town. Murder is illegal but every year on the News there are a lot of stories of people getting done in and there are a lot of unsolved cases. During Prohibition, it was legal for people to drink at home. Just not publicly or in bars which were also then illegal. I think that in Italy, people could speak English or whatever language at home. 

Italy borders a few countries. People living in border towns in Italy probably speak a few languages. Or fake polyglot. Speak a few languages but to a limited degree. 

I have basically given up on life. Most if not all people have been suicidal at one time or another. People who are really old must be relieved. They know that the end is coming soon and they always resented life for one reason or another. The ghastly wretched physics of this dimension. 

I have one less reason to live because my sex drive isn't what it once was but it wasn't all that much even then. I don't know if I believe in heaven. I think the afterlife in its own way, will be just as ghastly and wretched as life itself. Existence on any dimension, this life, dream life, afterlife is a trap. 

For some reason I think the Italians are planning to kill me. If they were, they'd be circumventing years if not decades of poverty and a life that's otherwise going nowhere. 

I don't know if people are planning to kill me. There are people who get away with quite a lot and they haven't been killed or anything like that. Street preachers who yell, panhandlers who expect money for nothing and give nothing back and have been doing it for years, otherwise delinquents who yell a lot, they haven't been killed but they are annoying and I wouldn't mind a world without people like that or else to live in a town where I don't see anything like that. 

I watched a movie called The Bank Job. It's about the Baker Street Bank robbery in London on September 11, 1971 which was one of the largest in history. The robbers dug a tunnel from an adjacent store to the bank which is reminiscent of the Sherlock Holmes story The Red Headed League. Anyways, one of the bank robbers is still alive. You would think that after doing something like that, he would have been done in but he hasn't.  

I just think that my old age will be boring and wretched and not really worth living so if it's all the same to God, or to the forces of life itself, I'd like to skip it altogether. Old age is universally associated with decline of strength, mental faculties and also opportunities. Better for me to just die and get it over with. 

Today, early in the morning, I went on a walk. I got a Google card. I want to get the Drastic DS emulator which Reddit says is the best DS emulator you can get. 

I got the drastic emulator. After making a couple of tweaks such as hiding the virtual gamepad and locking the screens to portrait mode, this thing runs not only on all 8 cylinders but on all 12 cylinders like a Lamborghini. 

I can now play Brain Age. 

The other free DS emulator N4DS ran pretty good too. But you could only access games through doing a lot of digging through the downloads folder which in my case had a lot of other photos that I had to dig around but otherwise very smooth. 

I don't know how and I don't know if I even want to live the next 20 years or beyond of my life. I don't know how long my life will last. I don't even know if I'm going to be around in 10 years. Yeah, me and billions of others. This describes everyone. 

Whenever I have a problem with a person, it's not that person. It's my barons interpretation of the situation with that person. Not knowing all the facts, my brain will jump to a conclusion based on the facts that I'do know even though it's not a complete picture. 

Douglas Bloch said that the brain is an electric and chemical entity. Therefore the brain can be treated with either electricity like ECT electro convulsive therapy which Douglas Bloch himself went through or else with chemicals like tricyclic, beta blockers, MAOIs mono amine oxidase inhibitors or SSRIs selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors. 

Whenever I think of another town and I get major bliss and nostalgia, it's not that town I'm feeling, it's my own serotonin. Whenever I'm in that actual town and feel bliss and nostalgia, it might not be the geomagnetic vibes of that town I'm feeling but again, it's my own serotonin I'm feeling. Other people could be in that town and feel nothing. If it was the geomagnetic vibes then everyone would feel bliss and nostalgia in that town. 

When I listen to good music, or think of Christmas, I am definitely feeling my own serotonin. 

I get bliss and nostalgia when I think of Kitsilano and UBC in Vancouver, when I think of James Bay and Holland Point Park in Victoria BC, when I think of the Connections thrift store building in Sidney BC and when I think of the brick building at the University of Oregon that was in the very first opening scene of the movie Animal House. 

The University of Oregon in Eugene Oregon. 

A suspect in a bus stabbing in Surrey was deemed a terrorist based on statements he made at the time. The News didn't disclose the statements. All he had to say was "Allah hu akhbar!" If that is said in a mosque, that's not terrorism. But said on a bus before using a weapon to attack someone would be deemed terrorism. Just like a person saying "Praise Jesus!" while going on a shooting spree would be deemed domestic terrorism. 

The difference between a BMW from the 80s and BMW's today is like the difference between music from the 80s and music today. 80s BMWs had a distinctive look while BMW's of today have a generic plastic look. Music of the 80s had a distinctive sound while music of today has a plastic generic sound. 

It used to be that cars would go from having a curvy design to having a boxy design to having a curvy design. Now cars stay having a curvy design because the curvy design is more aerodynamic and therefore more fuel efficient. The BMW of the 80s that I want have a boxy design. 

But the dynamic has changed. A BMW of the 8ps is now a 40 year old car. It's like Archie Andrews of the 1960s driving a 1920s jalopy. 

Wednesday, April, 2023

Last night I reinstalled a PSP emulator. Years ago, I paid for the Henrik Gold PSP emulator and I still have it. I downloaded 4 of my desert island PSP games. There's no accounting for taste. 

- Buzz Brain Quiz 

- Hot Brain

- Mind Quiz 

- Wtf! Work Time Fun 

I didn't even bother attempting to download any motion sickness games like any Lego games or Star Wars games or Midnight Club car racing games. 

I still fear life. Lots of little details of life scare me. I don't know if I want to go through old age. My landlord said that old age is a privilege. I don't know if it's a privilege. More like a burden and a hassle. 

I saw my father in a dream last night. He said to me, "Don't worry." and "Take it easy."

But I'm a worrier. 

I hope that things go well for Debbie Hellion. I say a prayer for her often. Do prayers work? I hope that either her neighborhood cleans up or else that she can move to a better neighborhood. That neighborhood is a hyper cruel and unusual punishment. Vancouver is a hyper town. Every town has its delinquents and bad moments but Vancouver is on another level. Lots of verbal abuse and the occasional sucker punch is normal for Vancouver. 

I worry about Debbie but I don't know if I ever will or ever want to meet her. It's not like I'm legally required to. In that way, Debbie and Suzie have something in common. I have to wade through a crowd of delinquents before I meet them. In Suzie's case, the delinquents at the morning soup line and in Debbie's case, another level of delinquents in the downtown eastside in a neighborhood that smells like a toilet that hasn't been cleaned in years. Is that even sanitary? Say what you will about Victoria BC, it's boring and a fishbowl existence but at leadt it doesn't smell like a toilet with wall to wall delinquents and hard drug addicts. Yeesh! 

Feel complimented when someone calls you smug. That's them tacitly admitting that you reached some good and high level that they could not or would not ever reach either in your behaviour, compartment or else financial success. Delinquents usually think of ubermensches as smug. 

A person who has never meditated would call someone who has meditated for years, smug. 

Elon Musk has over $150 billion dollars but is a billion times as happy? It doesn't look like it. In an interview, he said that when he was a teenager, he read a lot of religious books and then he read German philosophers. He said that German philosophers are depressing and not something to read as a teenager. Nietzsche is depressing. He talks about man and superman, mensch und ubermensch and said that only smart people have the right to breed. Nietzsche also talks about nihilism and the Nietzscheian abyss and also the dark night of the soul. Quite depressing. A lot of people like myself don't want to breed. In this town another bank has had its windows broken. Whoever broke that window, it would be better than his parents used birth control. The human species is wretched. The human species uses Defense Against Logic including gas lighting, stonewalling, ad hominem attacks and questioning the source of logic etc. Anytime a person is backed into a corner with logic, instead of aquiescing to the salience of such logic, they will try to divert and use a defense against logic. The human species is a wretched scurrilous species. It's a scourge to itself. The human species will be over in less than 200 years anyways. Over 100,000 years of human civilization will come to a screeching halt in less than 200 years. 

Is there a heaven? I don't know. Mischief and chaos and the restless mind is transferable to all dimensions. 

I fear life and I fear death. Existence is a trap. The best thing is not to have been born. For everything that exists, a million billion trillion things don't exist. For every sperm and egg that unites resulting in conception, a billion possibly trillion sperm cells and egg cells produced throughout a man and woman's lifetime don't unite and multiply that times every person who is living and who has ever lived. Non existence is the ultimate nirvana. If one exists, they drew the short end of the stick in the very bad lottery of existence. 

Thursday, April 6, 2023

Last night I looked online wondering why Chrissie Brett was never at tent city in Vancouver on Hastings Street. I then found out that she died in July 2022. She died of a drug overdose but my conspiracy theory mind made me wonder if it was forces connected to government security and the deep state that did her in. Don't ever lose that imagination. 

What makes me think that is that she was a main architect and organizer of the tent cities at Oppenheimer Park in Vancouver, Strathcona Park in Vancouver, and the tent city outside the courthouse in Victoria BC. And then she was front and center when the Legislative buildings were stormed in a protest and she waved a feather at MLA Minister Lana Popham when she tried to enter the building. 

I saw Chrissie Brett on Douglas Street and Courtenay Ave in early 2022 or late 2021 in Victoria BC. Or else someone who looks like her. I didn't say hi to her because of shyness. She was walking alone. Well I missed my chance to talk to her. I would have said something generic like, "I saw you on television. You're famous. You are very smart and you are very brave." And then smiled and walked on. I hope she's in a better place but I don't know if anybody will be in a better place. 

I think the forces of chaos and imperfection are transferable to all dimensions. People invent the idea of heaven just like people make God in man's image and then say that God man man in God's image because that's a human cognitive dissonance that any answers that the human mind doesn't know, it will fill in the blanks. And the human mind will create answers to assuage universal fears even if the answers are made up to questions and fears such as what happens after death and are we alone in the universe and are there aliens. Rather than to question an answer the human mind and cognitive dissonance just likes to answer a question even if the answer is pure fantasy. 

I will always remember my father saying to me in a dream, Don't worry, and Take it easy.  The love I felt from my father in the dream is similar to the love that I felt from the angels when I saw them. If we can sense love like sensing temperatures, the love I sensed is like a blast furnace. 

That love is more real than life itself. 

Love is the most powerful force in the Universe. It is more powerful than fear and hate and anger and doubt. 

Most people who are poor have something priceless. If I all of a sudden had a million dollars and moved to better housing in another town, Vancouver, I would lose something priceless and that would be the advice of my landlord. My landlord is an intellectual. 

Stayed home all day except to get a pack of ZigZag blue rolling papers. 

I discovered a band called Psychic Mirrors on YouTube. Most of their songs are genius. Next level. I'm surprised that I only discovered them today. This band really captures the early 80s UBC sound, to me anyways. I attach my own psychic images to music. My own psychometry. 

I recommend the band Psychic Mirror with songs such as Charlene and Veronica's House of Tarot, Draw Me Your Favorite Funk, The Bells of St Christopher, Foreign Affair, etc etc etc 

The song Charlene came up as a recommendation in a side panel on YouTube. Again, YouTube has brought heavenly gifts in the form of music. YouTube has done that for me so many times. Thank God for YouTube. 

Friday, April 7, 2023

Psychologist Meg Jay said that we think of our future selves the same way that we think of strangers. This is called the empathy gap. 

This explains my fear of the future. I don't think that I have what it takes to live the future. I want to skip old age altogether or else I want to get a red 1987 model BMW 325i. 

Today I visited Heather. We went to the fried chicken place across from Our Place Community Centre. This place is like one of those dozens of places on Hastings Street in the downtown eastside of Vancouver that serve fried chicken. The place is crawling with junkies. But it was a safe place to eat. The junkies generally leave you alone unless you give them a reason not to. 

I felt anxiety this evening. Just anxiety in general. I am wondering whether or not I should visit Vancouver and spend two nights at a hotel. The expense of the hotel gives me anxiety. Also whether or not I should head on down to the downtown eastside and try to visit Debbie Hellion. She lives in one of the roughest addresses in the whole country. She lives at Tellier Tower on Hastings Street. Why do I get myself into these things? I don't want to chicken out. Take the risk or lose the opportunity. 

Today I saw, met and shook hands with Minister of Transportation and Infrastructure, Rob Fleming on the street. He is a great politician. At the time I didn't think to tel him that since he's the Minister of Transportation that my ultimate wish is to one get get a red 1987 4 door BMW 325i. On some level he probably knows that since he's the Minister of Transportation. 

Minister of Transportation and Infrastructure, Rob Fleming. 

I am experiencing severe anxiety tonight lasting for hours. I even wrote to a prayer request website. The anxiety registers as a disquieting burning feeling in the stomach which is painful. I think I might be better off dead. I feel anxiety about having to work for Heather for the next 10 years or 20 years. Of course I could leave her at any time but I just can't bring myself to do it which causes me anxiety. This is the end of me. 

Also extreme temperatures hot or cold and hunger can bring about anxiety. 

I don't know how I'm going to survive the next 20 years and what's after that? More physical deterioration, aging and then death. Of course killing myself would be painful and unthinkable so I have to live a wretched life. Either choice is untenable. Existence is a trap. No one knows what happens after death. Heaven? Maybe or maybe not. The jury's out. 

This is what my life has come to?! 

I feel better now. I ate some rice with fried chicken. I last ate about ten hours ago. It was hunger based anxiety. 

Saturday, April 8, 2023

Dr Ryuta Kawashima is famous for the Nintendo DS game Brain Age and Brain Age 2. He turned down a $21 million dollar salary from Nintendo saying one should one get money if they work for it. He finally accepted a $70,000 salary. I installed a Dr Ryuta Kawashima supervised game called Einstein Brain Training on Android apps. 

Einstein Brain Training doesn't ask you your age and then tell you your brain age like the Brain Age games and it doesn't give you a percentile of brain development like Brain Boost on Nintendo DS. It just gives a nebulous arbitrary score that doesn't mean anything and also random trophies. 

It costs about $7 including tax. It is well worth it. 

I play Big Brain Academy and Mind Quiz. It sharpens my mind and focus which generally leads to less confusion but I still get anxiety. 

Brain training games help exercise and develop the prefrontal cortex in the frontal lobe of the brain which is the part of the mind that breaks down during panic attack, nervous breakdown, and burnout. 

Most people get angry or irritable when they haven't eaten for awhile. My nervous breakdown, burnout and chronic long term exhaustion based panic attack two years ago has taken my ability to be angry. Anger brings anxiety and I just couldn't bring myself to be angry. I haven't growled or had a temper tantrum as I usually had very slight temper tantrums before for two years. I am unable to be angry with Heather. If I was angry enough at her, I'd leave her. She often makes me do extra things at the last minute. For example if we agreed to go to store A, at the last minute, she'd want to go to sore B and sometimes store C. As her caregiver accompanying her on such outings, it would bring anxiety. I sure hope I don't have to work for her for the next 20 years which is the worst case scenario. 

It's a long road that has no turning as the saying goes. Given a long enough time, things change. Sometimes things can change very quickly. Most of the things we worry about wind up not happening, therefore we worry for nothing. 

I could only do cartoons if I feel inspired, if I have the wind in my sails. Working for Heather doesn't inspire me but I feel too guilty to just leave her. The situation has taken the wind out of my sails. Some people just suck the energy out of you and you walk away reeling. There is no end in sight to working for Heather unless I just tell her that I don't want to be her friend anymore. It's not easy to walk away from someone who is a cripple like Tiny Tim. 

The best way to escape a lady is to just move to another town. 

Often life gives you signs. If everything is going all right and you are happy, this is the town for you. If everything is stressful, anxiety and you are constantly depressed and feeling wretched, then maybe moving to another town is what is needed. 

But every town I've ever lived in has had its problems and issues and people I just don't like. None excepted. To live is to have problems. To be in heaven is to have no problems. But is anything ever so cut and dried? To live in eternity with no problems? Problems help us grow smarter and more experienced and stronger too. To be in heaven for eternity with no problems seems unrealistic. Heaven is something made up to compensate for the fear of death and also for not knowing what happens after death. 

If there is an afterlife or spirit world it has a different set of physics such as teleportation, no need to eat or sleep, telepathy and never feeling hot or cold nor ever having any muscular aches and pains, not even the slightest but even such a set of physics can bring issues, unpleasant conversations, strife etc as revealed whenever one goes to sleep and visits the dreamworld which has a spirit based ethereal set of physics but also has problems, issues, bizarre events. 

I feel a lot better now. After eating a good meal and listening to music specifically a Michael Franks live concert on YouTube. 

"Music hath charms to soothe the savage breast. To soften rocks or bend the knotted oak." William Congreve 

"If music be the food of love, play on." Duke Orsino, Twelfth Night, William Shakespeare

Woke up in the morning with some fear. Just fear of the future. Fear of growing old which is associated with physical deterioration, senescence, decrepitude and al that good stuff. I am afraid of traveling but also afraid of not traveling. I am a very fearful person it seems like. I don't even go out at night to restaurants and clubs. A lot of other people I know are like that. 

Maybe I am not suited to life and should have never been born. I never met anyone who doesn't go to clubs like I don't. Even the people I know who don't go to clubs at one time went. 

It used to be when I smoked weed all the time my mind clamped down, felt slightly paranoid and preferred the comfortable cocoon of staying home at night. Now I haven't smoked weed for two years but my mind has been wired or rewired to that habit of not going out at night. 

Night time is dark, cold and you can see less especially at a beach. But night time is beautiful like Smurfs Village when you can see all the lights from the buildings. Seeing lights from within rooms and living rooms of houses gives a nostalgic psychometry. But if you see a house and lights at night and feel nostalgic, it's not the house, it's you. It's projection and to your credit. Something about you is very nostalgic. 

Night clubs are expensive. The music is too loud and it's not the music I like. Drinks are expensive and I don't like to drink alcohol. A lot of people at nightclubs are alcoholics and have alcohol stored at home too. But a lot of people who go to Church also have alcohol at home. Some people who go to Church even have tattoos as well like Joyce Meyer. She got tattoos and she talked about her tattoos. Meeting women doesn't seem like that much of a good idea that it used to. From experience, all women have their own set of advantages or disadvantages. It's like Roger Hargreaves Mr Men and Miss Women. With women, you have Miss Gambler or Miss Secret Crack Smoker or Miss Alcoholic etc. Everyone on the planet including myself has issues that leave much to be desired. I am better off alone. A relationship with a  woman is an existential weight. 

I'd like to phase out visiting Heather. Maybe visit once a week or once every two weeks. It's not just with Heather but with anyone. When you see anyone too much, it gets to you. And not in a good way. 

I'm still scared of the future and always will be. 

Today I went to Sidney BC. I took a dive and just went on an adventure. Beautiful small town vibes. Sidney has lovely vibes. I did a bit of shopping. I went to Fairway Market and got some Chinese food. Then I went to Sidney Fish market and got a can of tuna and a can of salmon. 

A tuna swims faster than a salmon but a salmon acellerates and stops faster than a tuna. That's like the difference between a car and a motorcycle. A car goes faster but a motorcycle accelerates and stops faster. 

Then I went to the Chinese restaurant Sidney Harbour Restaurant. I had beef and tomato fried rice. Then I went and got a cream cheese and blueberry Danish at the Fickle Farmer bakery. I was listening to Psychic Mirrors the whole time. I can't believe I've never heard of this band until this week. Every song they ever made is incredibly good. 

Then on the way back to my apartment, I went to visit sweet Heather. 

The band Psychic Mirrors is heavenly. I saw the thumbnail of the video Psychic Mirrors - Charlene on the side panel recommendations when I was watching the video of Ago - For You. For some strange reason, this bag of rocks otherwise known as my brain makes me think that the song Ago - For You reminds me of Donald Trump especially when he was Dancing to the Drake song on Saturday Night Live. Don't ever lose that imagination. Seeing the video of the song from Psychic Mirror and clicking on to it was a gift and a miracle from God. I wish that Psychic Mirrors had a Wikipedia entry. 

Psychic Mirrors released their first Album Nature of Evil in 2011. Their next album Ophilia was released in 2021. There are movie trailers for these albums which aren't movie trailers at all but just publicity stunts. 

Singer Mickey de Grand IV is a genius. He is a Cuban American musician living in Miami Florida. His music is out of this world. I'm surprised that I haven't heard of him sooner. 

Mickey de Grand IV has an album called Eye Witness. 

The music is something else. I've been listening to music for over 40 years and this music is something else. Great. Next level. 

How much of a genius is Mike De Grand IV? On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say he is about a hundred. That's a 100. Psychic Mirrors and his album Eyewitness is so incredible that it's beyond words. 

At one point in the past, this was my future and Heather said to me, "The future will be better than you can imagine." Discovering the music of Psychic Mirrors on YouTube is a future better than I could have imagined. 

YouTube put the album Mickey de Grand IV - Eye Witness on autoplay. I didn't even have to search for it or click on a thumbnail. This is a gift from God. I must be doing something right! 

People in YouTube comments say that this band is criminally under-rated. Their music is as good as the music of the 80s if not better. That's saying something. I hope that more people find out about this band. Mickey de Grand IV is a demigod. 

Mickey de Grand IV is an alias of Ryan Degrandy who is the leader of the band Psychic Mirrors. 

Psychic Mirrors only releases an album once every ten years or so. The first one was released in 2011 and the latest one was released in 2022. I hope they release another one in less than ten years. 

Psychic Mirrors 

Ryan Degrandy, Mickey de Grand IV - founder, singer, composer

Myra Stone - co-founder, vocals, keyboard 

Alex Battl - guitar

Alex Nunez - guitar

Antoine Rocky-Horror - bass

Oscar Guidado - drums 

The song Shock Treatment from Psychic Mirrors is incredible. Myra Stone is a goddess with the voice of an angel. She looks like a lady who is pure. But being in a rock band, one is only so pure. Rock musicians are known for whiskey, cocaine, tattoos and a fast lifestyle. Myra Stone looks like the pure female cousin that you would have had with you when you were growing up. 

Mickey de Grand IV album Eyewitness has 2 cover songs 

Eyewitness is a cover of Peaches and Herb One on One Station. 

Don't Break The Shadow of My Love is a cover of The RAH Band song with the same title. 

Psychic Mirrors, Change, B. B. & Q. Band and Brothers Johnson are great great bands. The music is profoundly next level. I recommend them but there's no accounting for taste. Some people really like heavy metal music. Others like classical music. No accounting for taste. 

The body ages but the spirit never ages and is forever young. It's the spirit that enjoys good music. 

Sunday, April 9, 2023

4 weeks until King Charles III's coronation. 

I went to the Presbyterian Church today for Easter. 

At Church, the bag of rocks known as my brain was thinking that I should be euthanized so I can avoid old age. I want to skip old age altogether. Scurrilous thoughts. The coffee hour at Church was great. It was an A+ experience. I saw a YouTube video thumbnail that said If You Trust In God Things Will Fall Into Place. Hopefully so. 

Old age is scary and one looks really wretched at the end. All your looks gone. Old age is perhaps something that is better avoided. I hope that God or the Universe or the World gives me an answer to this. Maybe it already has. My father said to me in a dream recently, "Don't worry. Take it easy."

My brain is still healthy. I've been getting an average B grade on Big Brain Academy Nintendo DS. 

Tonight, I felt awful. I had an upset stomach from the raw oyster I ate. At one point I thought I was going to die. My Arris digital cable box from Shaw Cable died. No lights. No time display and no television stations. I have to go to Shaw Cable tomorrow. They might be open. If not I'll have to wait to Tuesday. I have to get my Shaw Cable Box replaced and redo the Cable. 

I found out today that someone at Church died this morning at her home. Her name was Stella. I wonder if I met her. I probably did at one point as I've been going to that Church for years. 

Funk Kickback Mix Orange County Stilo II and III on YouTube are really good. Some really sick songs. Sick in a good way. 

I am still terrified of the future. I fear life but I also fear death. Existence is a scary trap. 

I don't know if I have what it takes to handle my future. Whatever it is. 

I feel a lot better now. 

Monday, April 9, 2023

Woke up at 5 am. Went to sleep at 2 am. That's bad. I woke up in a state of worry about the future. I met some new people at Church and then I worry about the people at Church in general. They are a culty cult that wants to coopt me into their weird scene and are after my donations meager as they are. Every little bit helps. Get as much into the pot as they can. 

The human species is one that if times get bad enough and I mean really bad, they will kill and cannabilize one another. This has happened before in history. 

I am worried I won't find a girlfriend again or else a new girlfriend as I already have a girlfriend. Juggling two women at a time is troublesome and exhausting. However I am also worried that I will find a new girlfriend. 

Women can be a lot of trouble. In most if not all relationships, there is a power struggle dynamic and women want to take over. Or else just take. Life is too overwhelming. I wish my mother had aborted me. A person in Canada can volunteer for medical euthanasia on the grounds of depression alone. I want to skip old age altogether. I've lived long enough. The longer you live, the greater the weight of accumulated memories. Too much weight. Too many memories. 

Don't believe everything your brain tells you. The brain creates 80,000 thoughts a day. Most of them are repetitive and 80% of them are false and are ANTs or automatic negative thoughts. 

Just remember the future won't be as good or as bad as you think and may even be better than you could possible imagine. Think of the things you would otherwise take for granted and enjoy them. 

Think of the things that you're sure of ratchet than the things that you are unsure of. 

Some humans complement the human race and bless it with their presence. One example is all the great musicians who have made great music that we like. Some humans are delinquents and make the world and life worse. While some humans are gifts from God and make the world and life a lot better. Talented musicians are such people. 

Talented musicians, artists, writers, movie actors etc make life and the world better. Also innovative and genius scientists, doctors etc etc 

Encountering the music group Psychic Mirrors on YouTube was a future better than I could have imagined. A week ago, I didn't know about them at all. 

It seems that I don't have to get Pepto Bismol. I had acid reflux or GIRD for a few days. Drinking tea with sugar helped. I drink decaffeinated chamomile tea. Lack of sugar can cause acid reflux. 

Monday, April 10, 2023

Today I went to Shaw Cable to ask about my digital cable box. They gave me a number to call. Then I went to Walmart to get some dish detergent, a bottle of Equate brand bismuth subsalicylate aka Pepto Bismol. The no name brand works just as good and costs half as much. With Pepto Bismol, you are paying for the advertising. Heather agrees. Then I got a bigger belt as I have a constant pot belly. 

"In fair round belly with good capon lined." Shakespeare

Shakespeare was saying when you hit 50, you get a constant pot belly if you don't exercise. 

Capon means chicken but Shakespeare often used sexual puns. Chicken is slang for prostitute saying that a lot of middle aged men looked for prostitutes for entertainment as in Shakespeare's time it wasn't as if you had the option of a big screen TV and blu rays for entertainment. 

Then in the afternoon, I visited Heather or she visited me. As I walked down the hall to the elevator, Heather was in the elevator. I walked with her to her place. She treated me to a beef taco. I love that Heather. I love her so much. 

I used the phone at her place to call Shaw Cable to ask about a replacement for my digital cable box. 

Then I went shopping for some ground beef and I got two bananas for my acid reflux. The BRAT diet. Bananas, rice, applesauce, toast. 

Later I went back to pick up some cream soda and a box of Restful Sleep tea with valerian root for my anxiety and insomnia. 

Jake Tran said that we are closer to WW3 because Finaldn joined NATO. Finland shares an 800 mile border with Russia. That's like if Canada or Mexico which shares a large border with the US decided to align with China with plans to invade the US. 

I don't know if Russia can be so easily invaded. In WW2, Operation Barbarossa aka the Battle of Stalingrad was a disaster for the invading forces. But they used tanks. Today's modern military fighter jets go on average of Mach 3. Tom Cruise was in a plane that reached Mach 10 in the movie Top Gun Maverick. Going at that speed wrecked him. 

I don't know if I could go at that speed. I once drove over 100 miles an hour in my 74 Toyota Corolla and at that speed the whole car was shaking. A Lamborghini wouldn't shake at that speed because it's a $200,000 sports car and it's chassis was designed to handle that speed and it has a low center of gravity because of the design. At Mach 10, the whole airplane would be shaking and probably windows breaking too. The speed of sound is 750 miles an hour. Mach 10 is 7,500 miles an hour! The G forces would wreck the entire body! A commercial jetliner goes at 500 miles an hour. A military fighter jet goes at 2,250 miles an hour. 

Tuesday, April 11, 2023

Today, I went to drop off my old cable biz that's not working at the electonics recycling depot on Queens Avenue here in Victoria BC. I then went to visit Heather. Me and Heather went to a Cafe. She got two scones, one for her and one for me and a coffee and a herbal tea as well. I got her an egg sandwich and myself a ham and Swiss sandwich. At the Cafe were snake plants. 

Then me and Heather went to a plaza near Chinatown to have a smoke. 

In the afternoon I went to get some aerosol spray and at the last minute decided to go to the Library. Something scary. On the way there as I was about to cross the street, I always look both ways but as I was waiting for the bike to pass from right to left at the bike lane. Just as I was about to cross, someone on an electric scooter zipped past from left to right and in front of me. Had I stepped onto the street even one or two seconds earlier. That person would have plowed into me. I think I had a guardian angel. 

Years ago in Bangkok, just as I was about to cross the street and this was on the corner of the Rama 6 museum, a red bus zipped right in front of me going really fast from left to right. Had I stepped on to the street even a second earlier, I would have been killed outright. Life is full of unsettling close calls like that. My friends have told me stories of their close calls of walking on the street and then something falls down from above them from the top of a building. Had they been walking faster or had they stepped there even a second earlier that thing that fell would have fallen right on them. 

Bike lanes are dangerous. On average people on bike lanes are angrier and more aggressive than car drivers. The Mayor installing bike lanes is neither a bad idea not is it a good idea. I'm sure a lot of people get verbally abused on those bike lanes from bikers. 

Last night I had a dream where PM Justin Trudeau was riding away on his bike after he met me and talked to me. I was surprised that he didn't ride away in his limousine. 

At the Library I borrowed the movie The Fabelmans. It was a great movie. My favorite part of the movie was when Sammy said, "I think I'm dying. Do I have a heart attack?" 

His father said, "No you're having a panic attack. Your mother got those all the time." 

"What did you do?" 

"I made tea. Plus you're exhausted. I hear you staying up nights on that typewriter and driving three hours each way to and from college." 

That describes what I went to a couple of years ago. A panic attack resulting from exhaustion. It is one of the most painful things I ever went through. 

The Fabelmans quote about smoking weed:

" What's it like? "

" It shows you how out of control everything is and how you're not in charge of anything at all and that it doesn't matter."

That's a poetic way of saying weed gets you really paranoid at first but then it mellows out and you hit a sweet spot where it just feels good. 

I don't know if I want to find a new girlfriend. I want to just stay with Heather. I love her too much to ever leave her. Picturing her crying with a broken heart if I left her would make me cry and give me a broken heart too. I very often worry about her health. She's very much overweight and takes a whole bunch of pills every day. I love her so much. I love her like the flowers and the grass loves the sun and the rain. 

Wednesday, April 12, 2023

Today I went to Craigdarroch Castle. I was listening to Mickey de Grand IV's album Eyewitness the whole time. He is a genius. 

I always feel slightly under the weather. Maybe I'm dying. I have slight gadtro intestinal issues and I always feel sluggish and anemic and always having to go to the bathroom. Mother's would sometimes say to their child, "You were born sick." Maybe it's hypochondria or health anxiety. I feel relatively healthy though. Exercise and the runners high can make a person feel 100% healthy and also that pleasant floating feeling one gets to know after doing meditation makes a person feel healthier than normal too. 

Listening to music like Psychic Mirrors and Mickey de Grand IV makes a person feel really healthy too. Even though Psychic Mirrors released their first album on 2011, their music is better than 80s music. Just when I thought music stopped evolving after the 80s. 

Psychic Mirrors releases an album once every ten years so it's another ten year wait before they maybe release another album. That's too long to wait. I don't know if I'll be around in 10 years. I'm over 50, but a person can think that at any age. A person in their teens could wonder if they might one day eventually be a member of the 27 Club. Just about all teens wonder that. 

I wish Psychic Mirrors would get more famous. Maybe they're not famous because they're Cuban and Cuba has some connections to the US sanctioned Castro regime. Just a thought. The band Psychic Mirrors. They're all geniuses. 

Mickey de Grand IV is releasing a new album later this year in 2023. It's called Masters of Ancient Midi. I hope it's a funk album. The one preview track I heard sounded like Medieval music set to synthesizer. 

In the Psychic Mirrors song Daydream, he sounds like Frankie Valli. 

Don't think that if you make a movie or make some music that people will think you're crazy. It could be that they think you're a genius. 

I watched the movie Tetris today. It's a story of the convoluted battle to get the rights for Tetris from Russia. The Americans who wanted to get the rights for Tetris had to travel Moscow several times. How would anyone travel to Moscow with an anxiety disorder? But then how would anyone travel to Moscow without an anxiety disorder? 

When the movie ended, the American Henk Rogers got a cheque for $5 million dollars. If a person has a major anxiety disorder, a large amount of money wouldn't help. It would make things worse. Money can't cure an anxiety disorder. 

Thursday, April 13, 2023 

Stayed home all day. I didn't go to the beach. Going to the beach too much is against the law of diminishing returns. 

BC Politics. BCs Liberals Party changed its name to the BC United Party. 

Wanting to distance themselves from Bill Vanderzalm's scandal ridden Social Credit or Socred party, due to Ted Hughes' conflict of interest report involving mixed private business with the public sale of Vandersalms Fantasy Gardens, which I myself visited once, and also the Coquihalla Highway which was then deemed to be a white elephant, Gordon Wilson the then Leader of the Socreds changed the name to BC Liberal Party in 1992. A married man, Gordon Wilson had an affair with the speaker of the house, Judy Tyabji. Then ex-Mayor of Vancouver Gordon Campbell took over as the Leader of BC Liberals becoming Premier. But not right away. During the 90s, because of the disaffection towards the Socreds, the NDP were in government during that decade with Glen Clark, Dan Miller, and Ujjal Dosanjh as Premiers. In 2001, Gordon Campbell won as Premier running against Ujjal Dosanjh. 

Now, wanting to distance themselves from PM Justin Trudeau or else former Premier Christy Clark, I'm not sure which the BC Liberals changed their name to the BC United Party. 

Or else if a Provincial party has lost the last two elections in a row the two choices are either replace the Leader, in this case Kevin Falcon, or change the name of the Party. Looks like the BC Liberals went with the latter choice. 

Federal Parties can't change their names as their names are more entrenched in history, carved in stone as it were. 

BC Premier Bill Vanderzalm's Fantasy Gardens. 

The Coquihalla Highway. 

The Federal Liberal Party of Canada is a Centrist; Left of Center political Party. The BC Liberals were a Centrist; Right of Center political Party. 

Whereas PM Justin Trudeau of the Canada Liberal without an s Party was never the boss of the BC Liberals with an s Party, that's not to say that Jagmeet Singh isn't the boss of the BC NDP Party. He is. The NDP is concurrently and simultaneously a Federal and Provincial Party. The NDP hasn't had any name changes since 1961 unlike the BC Socred-Liberals-United Party, going from a hard Right to a moderate Right to a soft Right rebranding and changing of their visions. Since there is already a hard Right Conservative party of BC now, it would seem that the United Party and the NDP Party of BC would be splitting the votes of each other. 

So therefore the NDP has been a bastion of stability certainly compared to the neononymous United Party. BC is known as NDP country. The stability of the NDP Party is why. The NDP was founded by federal MP Tommy Douglas formerly of the CCF Party, or Co-operative Commonwealth Party. 

Despite the audacious nomenclature, the BC United Party aren't as united as the Federal-Provincial NDP Party. The NDP is the actual united Party. 

The BC Liberals had two Premiers under their banner. Gordon Campbell and Christy Clark. How many Premiers will the BC United Party have? 

The NDP in BC has had Dave Barrett, Mike Harcourt, Glen Clark, Dan Miller, Ujjal Dosajh, John Horgan and David Eby as Premier. 

Today I visited Heather. Since the News announced that the BC Liberals changed their name to the BC United party, I went to the Dutch Bakery and got two pastries called Parliament. One for me and one for my sweetness, Heather. 

There is another genius musician on YouTube, what are the chances of that, the World is full of musical geniuses, impossible to know them all, anyways this musical genius has a channel called ItsCoolDiamond, in other words, It's Cool Diamond. Very talented. Songs of note include More Funk, Ocean Breeze, Summer Breeze and Side Steppin'. These are one minute songs. I wonder if this guy plays in a band. He's good enough to be in one. 

Friday, April 14, 2023

Today I went to the dentist and had my teeth cleaned by a dental hygienist. 

Then I went to Fairway Market to get some things to tide me over for the next three days. 

I don't know if I'll go to Vancouver this month. I might go in May or I might not. Laziness and anxiety over rides any urge to travel. Vancouver is the only place I'd travel to ever again. I don't have the money nor the bravery to travel to London England. London is a huge sprawling city. It probably takes 4 hours each way to get from the airport to downtown London and the hotels there are ghastly expensive. The only cheap option I could think of is either a hostel or a pod hotel shared with a bunch of drunken hippies drunk on booze and high on God knows what drug. Marijuana if lucky. Crack and or ecstacy if unlucky. Lots of middle class hippies do coke or crack. 

In the movie, All My Friends Hate Me, cocaine is referred to as 'gear' and 'hoon'. 

If I had a 1987 BMW 325i, there are some songs I'd listen to in it. Any songs from the Style Council and also Michael Frank's would be good to listen to in that. Maybe I should just give up on the 80s. There's music that has eclipsed 80s music namely the music of Psychic Mirrors and Mickey de Grand IV. 

There is a very good drummer named Metal Cohen. She plays drums perfectly with a smile on her face, looking relaxed and not gritting her teeth even while playing the technically difficult drums on Rush songs that Neil Peart used to play on. Those songs are technically challenging for a drummer. She's a better drummer than most people are. 

Today I tried to do a back flip while grabbing two bat's above me. I couldn't do it. I used to be able to do it. I must be getting old or losing my touch. It might be that I often have a pot belly now. In my 40s I could do it. Now that I'm over 50 I couldn't do it. Old is all in my head. There's an over 80 year old lady on YouTube who can do gymnastics very well. This old woman can do gymnastics better than a lot of people in their 20s can. 

There are a lot of action heroes older than me. The guys in the Expendables movie, Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt and Keanu Reeves are all around 59 years old and they're still action heroes. There's no reason why I who is almost 53 can't go on an adventure to Vancouver. 

A lot of James Bond actors were well into their 50s and they didn't just go on an ordinary adventure which is to travel, Walk around, go shopping, eat at a restaurant or eat take out in their hotel room, they went on secret government missions where they had to fight people and get into gunfights with trained enemy operatives. Most people would never be expected to go on an adventure like that. 

My idea of adventure involves traveling, waking around, going shipping, eating at restaurants or eating take out meals and visiting tourist attractions. No fights and certainly no gunfights like James Bond. But James Bond is an MI-6 intelligence agent with a license to kill. Unlike most people if James Bond had to kill someone with a gun in his line of duty, he won't get in trouble or get prosecuted for it. 

I feel anxiety in general. Sexual anxiety, sure. I also feel like I'd like to go back to my old ways of smoking pot. I guess I could smoke it occasionally. Since weed has been legalized, I've been finding a lot of roaches on the street. I collected a big bag of roaches that would probably last me months if I were to smoke it occasionally but regularly. Weed gave me a sense of adventure and I had more of a sex drive when I smoked weed. I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. I want to be the perfect person. I think that people who are perfect like priests, politicians and Police officers don't smoke weed. They lead normal lives of raising a family and being a 100% normal and respectable person in society. My goal is to be a 100% normal and a 100% percent perfect person in society. That's why I have sex anxiety. I think that a person who is hypersexual is not a 100% normal and a 100% perfect person. There's a fine line between being normally sexual and being hypersexual and I don't know where that line is. So perhaps it's better not to be sexual at all or to have any kind of lust at all, just to be sure. 

Jesus was 100% perfect but no one can be on Jesus level when it comes to perfection. He emulated an impossible ideal for the rest of us. 

I think that Buddha was 100% perfect after he reached a very high level of enlightenment. Before that he was a regular guy who had wives etc. I don't know if he had more than one wife or not. 

I don't know if I have what it takes to handle my future. I've got it in my head that I have to try to visit Debbie Hellion in the downtown Eastside, but I fear that if I go there, I'll be stabbed or robbed or even killed. Visiting Debbie Hellion from YouTube is something I want to do and don't want to do at the same time. 

I'd visit Douglas Bloch if I could but he lives in the United States in Portland, Oregon and I don't know if I'd be permitted to visit the United States. I've lived a strange life. Also I have too much anxiety to ever visit the United States. However on trivia games I get a lot of answers to questions about the United States right. 

If I had unlimited money and a free pass to visit the United States, I'd like to visit Douglas Bloch, Disneyland in California, visit Hollywood and Universal studios and walk along the sunset strip in Los Angeles. I'd like to visit New York and walk downtown but I don't want to get mugged in New York. I'd like to visit Andrea Perron, I think she lives in Florida. But no way do I want to visit the Conjuring House in Rhode Island. Way too scary. But I would like to visit Miami Beach in Florida. I doubt that I'd do any of that. Lack of money, anxiety, laziness and not being sure at all if I'd be permitted to visit the United States of America is the reason why. United States has the best music in the World. Psychic Mirrors is from the United States, in Miami Florida. 

Also I'd like to see Pastor Joel Osteen and Pastor Joyce Meyer speak at the Lakewood Center in Houston Texas. Pastor Joyce Meyer is almost 80 so there might or might not be a large window of time left to see her. Pastor Joel Osteen is 60 years old. At 60, he has more energy and more courage and less anxiety than I do at age 52 going on 53. He is an inspiration to all. 

Therefore I don't know if I could handle my future. 

Saturday, April 15, 2023

I visited Heather. We went to a Community Center for lunch and then we went to Save On Foods. This afternoon a strange creepy old man who is her neighbour visited her and asked her if he could borrow her wheelchair and or her electric scooter. Heather said no as she uses those things full time. Heather never asks that guy to borrow anything. Why would that crazy old guy ask Heather to lend him things? He said that he has liver cancer. He doesn't look like he's long for this World. I wouldn't be surprised if he died in less than two years. I don't care if he dies. When he dies, good riddance to such a creepy guy. Anyone who asks anyone to lend things that are valuable like pets, vehicles etc are people whom I don't care if they die. I told Heather's landlord about the guy and the landlord did say that he old man was crazy but basically harmless. 

Hebrews 11, "Faith is the evidence of things unseen." That's an easy sell! The Priest class has a definite money making function. There are the four classes, the ruling class including Royalty, Presidents, and Prime Ministers, there is the soldier and or the Police class, there is the Priest class and there is the merchant class. All those classes have a money making for profit corporation function. 

The banking class leeches off the middle class for bailouts. The lower welfare class leeches off the middle class for subsidies and handouts. The middle class are powerful but they are a sleeping giant. The best thing the middle class can do is to vote with their feet. To move to another country with better conditions. The problem is, no such place exists. Every place is just as euqlly bad. If there was one place that was the best place in the World, everyone on the planet would move there. The reason why the World's population is equally distributed is because every place is equally bad. Every place is one set of advantages and disadvantages VS any other place. The grass is never greener on the other side. That's from experience. Every town is a backwater and is a shit town. The streets get scuzzier with each passing year. Life only gets worse. I only wish that my mother aborted me because life isn't worth living. 

Einstein asked if this was a friendly or a hostile Universe. It's neither. It's an indifferent Universe with the chaotic and trouble elements to offset and give meaning to the goodness and love elements. 

Is there a heaven? I doubt it. The afterlife is a nebulous void that registers as a dimension no less than this world and this life is also a nebulous void that registers as a dimension. To underscore that this dimension is a nebulous void, stars make up 3% of the Universe while planets moons and asteroids make up. 004% of the Universe. The rest is just a nebulous void known as outer space. 

I wrote to Chaplain Steven St John on YouTube saying that I am considering the MAID euthanization program in Canada. I want to skip old age altogether. Youth is the best years of life but my youth was never all that good as it was saturated with single room occupancy SRO living and years on end of being unlucky with women. Old age is usually worse than youth as old age is associated with physical deterioration and loss of teeth. I don't even want to bother living as life only seems to get worse as the streets just get more and more scuzzy with each passing year. Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing. If life isn't doing it for me, why should I do it for life? The value of life is finite because the nature of life is finite. Anything that is too difficult isn't worth doing at all including the living of life. 

Wrong thinking: Anything worth doing is worth doing right. 

Right thinking: Anything that is too difficult isn't worth doing at all. Including the living of life itself. 

The afterlife is an existential weight. Going through old age is an existential weight. I have to die whenever but I don't have to go through with old age. That way, I only have to carry one existential weight rather than to carry two. That's why I wish God would kill me in my sleep. Give me a heart attack so I die in my sleep. To the outside world it would register as a heart attack. To my inside world it would register as gojng to sleep, having some crazy funky silly dream and then never waking up from it. Hopefully the timing is that the dream is a somewhat pleasant heavenly dream. I just want to give up on life altogether. I hope God would do me a solid and cut it short so I don't have to go through with old age. Old age sucks. Old age is the shits. 

Sunday, April 16, 2023

I didn't go to morning Church. First time in a long time. 

I smoked a tiny bit of weed this afternoon. 

I went to the afternoon Church, the choir singing at Christ Church Cathedral. First time in awhile as well.

I still worry about getting old. I wonder if I'll make it to 60 or 70 and beyond that, what? More decrepitude with scary death waiting at the end. 

I want to skip old age altogether. I dropped out of college. Why couldn't I drop out of life? It's a nice idea but only God decides when and how I'll go. I fear death but I fear life too. Existence is a nasty trap. The best option is to never have been born altogether. 

I have erectile dysfunction and now my already low libido has turned into my sex drive gone out the window. That's a reason why I don't need any girlfriends anymore. I need to be single and alone like a lot of my friends are also single and alone. Not having a sex drive, that's at least 50% of why any man would get involved with a woman. The rest is love. But one can have love in general and love all things, as Albert Einstein said:

"A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”

Albert Einstein

Debbie Hellion has been in the hospital for two days. She had some kind of gastric issue which is a kind of sepsis due to inhaling the poop particles from what she calls the street poopers living in tents on Hastings Street. I'm worried about her. I hope she doesn't die. I always worry like that whenever anyone goes to the hospital for more than one day. 

If she dies then I don't have to worry about whether or not I should visit her in the downtown eastside when or if I go to Vancouver. Fear and laziness have cancelled a lot of people's travel plans over these last few centuries. 

 

Monday, April 17, 2023

Today I visited Heather. Then I went to the beach and the to Fisherman's Wharf market for cod cakes and smoked tuna filet sashimi. 

I worry about going to Vancouver and getting stabbed on the bus. There have been a few stabbings on the bus recently. There was the Islamic terrorist and then there was a 17 year old who was stabbed on a bus. 

In the case of the 17 year old, it was not a random assault. There is a back story that involves a third party. 

People kill either for love or money or drugs. Maybe the third party is ebay, Used Vancouver or some other online marketplace. A person paid a lot of money for something and either didn't get a refund when the product didn't work or wasn't exactly as described. This is just a guess. The News said the attacker and the victim  knew each other through a third party. The guy didn't look like a drug user or involved with the drug world aka the world of drugs. And love doesn't usually involve a third party unless it was someone cheating on someone or trying to steal the person's girlfriend or boyfriend as whatever the case may be. 

People who sell on online marketplaces leave their phone number or email address and in a lot of cases, this can be traced. How the attacker knew the victim rides that bus, I don't know. Maybe he was a hitman. Hitmen often spend weeks researching their victims habits, places frequented. Sherlock Holmes novels by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle talks about this. 

Hitmen are usually discreet. They usually use guns with silencers. They don't use knives and certainly not on public busses. A very singular case indeed, Watson. 

There are two types of crimes. Crimes of opportunity and crimes of passion. This looks like a crime of passion. 

Tuesday, April 18, 2023

I didn't go see Suzie today. Why I have to think of her once a week speaks to the defectiveness of this bag of rocks to be kind, bag of shit to be accurate known to me as my brain. It's not just the situations that life brings you, it's also how you react to it. 

I used to walk 5 minutes, wait 10 minutes in line and the it's like, you have one or two minutes to talk to her. Then I would go back to my apartment and then walk 5 minutes and wait at least 10 minutes until she completed her work and then it's like you have three minutes to walk with her to her car and then watch her drive away in a nice BMW while I stand on the curb which is a worse and disempowering experience, out of the frying pan into the fire. It occurred to me that I was doing it not once but twice, walk 5 minutes and then wait 10 minutes and then I get like two minutes. 

I haven't seen her at all this year. 

I don't want to see her ever again. I'm not legally required to see her. And anything that is too difficult isn't worth doing at all. 

I'd much rather be living in Vancouver in Kitsilano near the museum or near UBC than to ever see Suzie ever again. 

No one else I know does bullshit like this. A YouTube video said, "Your energy and intuition helps you to screen out the fake shit."

I wish I never met Suzie. Suzie is another grim dispatch from the benighted defective pernicious forces of life. 

If I died than the dynamic would change because then, Suzie would be totally irrelevant. I wake up every morning baffled. What am I still doing here? I woke up again instead of dying in my sleep while having a dream. 

I'm not sure that I want to go on living. Life is as useless to me as I am to it. 

A lot of people in life are useless eaters and takers too. 

Why the government sinks money at $1,000 a month for some people who all they ever do is use hard drugs, do vandalism and are delinquents. A lot of people on welfare give back to society in some way. They pick up garbage, they volunteer, they do art, they are a writer. While others are useless delinquents and the government paying to keep them alive is the government throwing good money after bad. 

With any luck I won't see Suzie ever again. She's about 65 years old and one of these years she'll retire from that volunteer job that she does. 

Today I went to Shoppers Drug Mart on Fort Street near Oak Bay Ave. They have some Presidents Choice food that the Shoppers Drug Mart 1 block away from where I live doesn't have. I was going to get some chicken spring rolls but you need a convection oven. The box specifically says that it won't work in a microwave. So I skipped that. Deep fried food brings the acid reflux. The best medicine for acid reflux is a banana for some reason. It works better than Pepto Bismol which turns poop black. 

I visited Craigdarroch Castle today. It was closed. No tourists doing a tour of the Castle but the exterior grounds of the Castle was open. 

Then I went to a food bank that Suzie used to work at but for all intents and purposes has retired from there. I got two huge bags of food including three grapefruits.

I spent the rest of the day bored and in commiseration. I'm not sure why I'm still alive. When I was in my teens and 20s, I never thought that I'd make it to 50. 50 seemed really old then and still does now. I guess 50 won't seem so old when or if I ever make it to 70 and why the hell should I? For what?! There's no reward for living to old age as old age itself is a punishment and an ordeal. The best age for me to die is age 49 or else age 50. George Orwell didn't even make it to 50. He died at age 46. Why couldn't I be like George Orwell in that way? He lived during a different time, no internet but also no hard drug users living in tents on city streets. Orwell did write about tramps sleeping on park benches but they were drunks and not junkies or hard drug smokers smoking their drugs on aluminum foil. 

For all that my life has become, I wish I died when I was 46. 

Women. Can't live without them, can't live with them. Women are both a blessing and a curse. I'm sure women feel that way about men too. 

The best life is the single life. Women have their weird hang ups and idiosyncrasies which register as red flags. Have a girlfriend or don't have a girlfriend. Either way, you are trading one set of advantages and disadvantages for another. 

Imagine if God ended my life years ago. Why didn't He? It's baffling. 

Wednesday, April 19, 2023

Woke up feeling fear. I smoked pot a few times over the last three days. A little bit here and there but I fear relapsing, falling off the wagon. The future seems scary to me. 

A comment on a YouTube video, the video was Hospice Nurse Julie titled I Can't Believe This Happened To Me, it was about her time in Indonesia when something scary happened to her about her job. Legal troubles. 

The comment was more or less, 

"My grandfather was born in 1894. He said to me," You don't know at all how your life is going to turn out so don't even think about it."

That was an answer from the Universe about my worry about the future. Don't worry the future might turn out better than you imagine. 

But it might turn out worse. The News is full of stories of people whose future turned out worse than they imagined. 

Smoking pot is like if I don't smoke, it gets boring. Pot is medicinal and lifts me up and music sounds better on it. But I don't want to relapse and smoke all the time thus becoming a degenerate. My future seems to be going nowhere as it is. 

I saw a sign at the food bank yesterday, 

"Enjoy the little things. One day you'll look back and realize they were the big things."

Thats true. I remember going to the duck pond with Heather when she could walk. I remember going to UBC all the time when I used to live in Vancouver. 

Those are the things I can't do anymore or in the case of visiting UBC, can't do it often. At the time they either were no big deal or I was as usual mired in boredom and worry not realizing then that one day I would greatly miss those things. 

So it's not the getting a big inheritance and then moving to a much better neighborhood and living space and getting a red 1987 4 door BMW 325i. It's the mundane everyday beauty which seems like no big deal at the time. One day I'll look back on those times with some bliss and nostalgia. 

The future seems overwhelming. I don't know if I have the strength to handle it. 

85% of the people who ever visited me, I don't like. They were either there to get something from me, or ask me to do them a favor or else to say something snarky to me. They were lots of visits that I could have done without. Very few visitors did I ever have in any town were visits that I like. I usually look back and wish that they didn't visit me. Their visits detracted from my life. 

When I visit I try to enhance someone's life either through bringing them something or else having an intellectual conversation. Most people who visit me are not intellectuals. 

Why do the forces of life bring me awful visitors? 

I'm sure with some people it's the opposite, only 15% of visitors to their home were people they didn't like. 85% of all visitors they ever had they liked. 

Or maybe it's a perceptional distortion. The movie Rounders said something like, "Most people will forget the times they won big. But they will remember with startling accuracy all the times they were beat." 

Or another saying, "A loss feels worse to the loser than a win feels good to the winner." I think Ian Fleming said that in a James Bond novel. 

This morning I went to Shaw cable. Then I went to a supermarket. A cashier whom I've been seeing there for years was at the checkout express cash register. I lined up and then I forgot to get some butter. I went to get butter and when I returned, she wasn't at the cash register. An old man was there instead. I felt a bit of separation anxiety and a slightly broken heart. I would have liked to say hi to her at the checkout. Suzie once made me feel that way when she left. Separation anxiety and a broken heart. The Bible says that God is close to the broken-hearted. 

Women have that effect on me even though my sex drive went out the window and I have sex anxiety. 

I'll see her again at the supermarket. There were months on end when I didn't see her there at all. 

I went to KFC to get 2 chicken meals, one for me and one for Heather. I went to a DVD store in a mall to get the movie The Outsiders for Heather as she said that was her favorite movie.

Then I visited Heather. We watched The Outsiders. It's an old classic movie. Imagine growing up in Los Angeles during the 50s. It was a lot cleaner then, not so much hard drugs and tent cities. There was no internet in the 50s. It was a culture of leather jackets and greased and combed hair. Even a lot of rich people had that look. It was more of an alcohol and marijuana culture than it was a heroin culture. In the 50s, the World population was a little over two billion. In 1990, the World's population was about 5 billion. Today, The World's population is over 8 billion. 

A growing Worlds population means a growing disparity between those with homes and the homeless. It means a greater gap between rich and poor. If the World population doubles every 30 years, in 20 years there will be a trillion people with resources needed for housing and food and also pollution and sewage generated on the Earth. That's why I think the human species will end in less than 200 years which is within the lifetime of great great grandchildren. That's why it's best to at some point not to extend the family line anymore. Don't have any more children. 

I woke up with a lot of fear. I fear the future. I fear a dismal and eventless future. I often wonder why I should even bother?

Just when I thought music couldn't get any better, I discovered Psychic Mirrors. I wonder if I'll ever discover music that incredible ever again. 

I worry about Debbie Hellion. Hellion is her alias. She has another name, her real name. Interesting, Hellion is derived from the word helio which means sun. 

A few days ago I discovered at a vitamin shop a product called Truehope Empower Plus Brain Health Essential Mineral Power. It sells for $60 plus tax. Reviews are very positive. It said it completely cured someone with brain injury and anxiety. It's advertised as something that helps with depression, anxiety, stress and PTSD. I'm thinking of getting this product one day. 

There are 120 pills per bottle. One is supposed to take two tablets twice a day which means each bottle is a 30 day supply. Some have reported that once they get off of it, the depression, anxiety etc returns again. $60 every month. For life. Some people spend more than that on marijuana and or tobacco every month. 

Caveat: Reading reviews from Amazon dot ca, reviews said the founder of this Alberta based company let his son die from a treatable condition because he used these supplements. Reviews also said that on two occasions, Health Canada warned against using this product.  

Shoppers Drug Mart cosmetics department sells a roller for bags under the eyes for $47 plus tax. Dr Eric Berg on YouTube said one teaspoon of baking soda mixed with water also helps. I have bags under my eyes. I wonder if the product works although the cosmetician at Shoppers said it works. 

I made an annual donation to the Tour de Rock Police charity. 

There are events where $10 barbequed on the spot hamburgers are sold with all proceeds going to the Police charity. Tour de Rock not only funds cancer research, the charity also pays for Camp Good Times for children with oncological and malignant neoplasmic issues aka cancer. 

I've been donating regularly for at least 12 years now. 

I donate once a year to the Victoria Police, once a year to Westshore RCMP and starting last year, once a year to the Sidney BC RCMP. 

More people should do this but how many do it? I'm not sure how much of an impact $20 makes. The Police confiscate hundreds of thousands of dollars if not millions of dollars annually from big time drug dealers as proceeds of crime. 

It's the gesture, and if everyone or even half the people in this town of 350,000 people donated $20 three times a year to Police charity, that's millions of dollars a year to fund cancer research. 

If Terry Fox got his cancer today, he would be able to keep his leg and make a full recovery with the cancer in remission and then gone. Funding for cancer research works. 

There are about 100 kinds of cancer affecting different areas of the body. Some cancers are less responsive to painkillers and to treatment too. Those are the kinds where the best option is to be euthanized ASAP as soon as possible. 

But they're doing things today they couldn't do even 5 years ago especially if quantum computers ever enter the fray of modern allopathic medicine. That the only kind of medicine than can work against some types of cancer. Would holistic or homeopathic medicine work? I doubt it. 

This is why I fear the future. I fear old age and it's potential to develop some ghastly wretched disease. If I'm in too much pain or in pain 24 hours a day and have to be drugged out or as Elvis called it, 'slung up', then I'd ask to be euthanized. Which isn't an easy thing. Even asleep under the final euthanasia sedative one could intuitively feel their bodily systems declining and getting weaker to a point never experienced before. That would be painful. Death is scary. I guess birth is scary too but at that age nothing really registers. There is disorientation and confusion. Cognition wouldn't have been formed yet. 

Why is life so damned scary? 

Thursday, April 20, 2023

I didn't really go out today. I went to the morning food line to say hello to the female security guard. Then I went to Shoppers Drug Mart to get lasagna, shepherds pie and a 2l bottle of orange crush. 

Then I went to the Presbyterian Church Office to talk to the Priest. I was going to tell him that I've thought of being euthanized because I want to skip old age altogether. I won't actually get myself euthanized, it's just that the thought has come up. Maybe God could end my life. 

I spent all day at home. The landlord told me I could move to a new room. It's a smaller room but but a better view and no one living above me. The new room has windows on two opposite walls. But a smaller room means I have to get rid of a lot of furniture and things because it won't all fit in that room. It's a classic case of one set of advantages and disadvantages over another. I've stayed in my current room for 12 years and a change would be nice. I have to figure out how to arrange everything. It will take awhile. 

Tonight I was looking at my usual granny porn and I got an anxiety attack. I've been feeling overwhelming anxiety and fear all evening. I can't live with this anxiety but the thought of dying also gives me anxiety. Do I have to have this anxiety for life? The anxiety registers as a slight burning feeling in the stomach and thoughts of something bad will happen or that I will be dead in a few years. 

There's a German saying, "The best time to leave a party is when you're having the most fun." 

Could that also apply to life itself? I've had it with living and think death would be better except death is scary except for when it has been gotten over with and even then. Who knows? As long as it's a task still to be experienced in the future, it's scary. It's a lose lose situation. I live, I lose. I die, I lose. This is an existential dilemma. Existence is a trap. 

I used to think that having the perfect girlfriend could help me with my depression, fear and anxiety. Now I know from experience that there is no such thing as the perfect girlfriend and even if there were my fear and anxiety is at such a level that not even the perfect girlfriend would help. I think I'm doomed. 

Friday, April 21, 2023

At Toronto Pearson Airport, $100 million of gold was stolen. Lax security or an inside job? 

This is the biggest airport crime bigger than the 1978 Lufthansa heist when $5.85 million or $24 million in todays economy was stolen. It was never solved but members of the Lucchese crime family was implicated.* The Lufthansa heist was depicted in the movie Goodfellas. 

*source: Wikipedia

Also the Baker Street bank heist on September 11, 1971 in London England was major too. It's the subject of a Jason Straitham movie called The Bank Job. 

The government of Canada's federal Civil Servants Union went on strike. I  heard of The Empire Strikes Back but this is ridiculous! 

The leader of Canada's civil servants union PSAC, Chris Aylward, threatened to potentially shut down airports bridges and borders. 

Airports bridges and borders have been shut down before. This happened during the pandemic and during the 2019 Donald Trump government workers shutdown. 

Years ago CUPE went on strike and garbage wasn't collected for a few weeks but airports bridges and borders weren't shut down. 

Ironically PSAC was one of the loudest voices in condemning the Truckers Convoy protest. Would the government invoke the Emergency Act on its own unionized employees who are on strike?* 

Civil service government sector employees are still unionized while a lot of private sector unions have been shut down. Government civil service employees are a skeleton crew of essential workers doing jobs that can't be outsourced or turned over to automation. 

*source: mistersunshinebaby, YouTube. 

Workers ask for and get more money. Then stores raise their prices. Then workers ask for more money again and stores raise their prices again. It's a never ending vicious cycle. 

In a new country that's only been around for 150 years, bus fare costs 5 dollars or whatever currency units and wages are 2,000 dollars or whatever currency units a month. In an old country that's been around for hundreds of years, bus fare is 50 currency units and wages are 100,000 currency units a month. Houses used to cost $100,000 when wages were $1,000 a month. Now houses cost $1,000,000 and wages are $10,000 a month. 

Wages always gets prorated to inflation. And inflation always gets prorated to wages. It's like a an ouroboros or else a snake that's chasing it's own tail. 

However in the last ten years while food prices have risen 2x, real estate and house prices have risen 10x. It's one thing when because of real estate speculation, people on welfare and minimum wage earners couldn't afford to own a house. But now there is a shortage of doctors, nurses and dental assistants because they can't own a house. Doctors who have been here for years are leaving the country and new doctors from other countries don't come to this country because they can't afford to live here. Higher house prices create an increased tax revenue and enhance property values but it comes to a point where this is detrimental and counterproductive. And now as a society we're paying the price because skilled people of certain needed essential professions necessary for society to flourish can't afford to live at a place because housing prices are too high or there's not enough housing. A lot of people who own houses either got lucky in the stock market or inherited a lot of money but it doesn't also mean that they are skilled doctors. It's fiscal mismanagement and lack of rent controls and cronyism. Protectionist doesn't also mean isolationist. Countries used to be very protectionist. Globalism and free trade deals have opened the market to foreign speculators while there were too many local speculators as it is. Some people have the hyper and sleazy mentality that owning one house isn't enough. Life is a game of Monopoly mentality. As long as they have the money, they want to own as many houses as possible. That's the human species for ya. 

Sure, that would only leave the wealthiest doctors and then health care would only be for the wealthy and a lot of poor people wind up dying because they can't get medical care. But poor people is what make rich people rich. If the world had only rich people there would be no rich people. And if the world only had poor people, there would be no poor people. It's the contrast that makes rich and poor possible. 

Today I woke up depressed. Depression, boredom, anxiety and worry are the inevitable coefficients of life. I went to a donut shop and got two donuts. Fresh soft dough. Donuts aren't baked in an oven. It's dough that's deep fried. 

I visited Heather today. We went to the Police station because her lost ID was turned in to the Police Station. Then I took her to the hair salon. We then went to Yates market. She got me a chicken wrap, a tart and a Pepsi. I got myself some blue cheese and also came Bert cheese. This reminds me of when I used to get some cheese in Vancouver. 

Then we went to the mall where Heather got me a maple walnut ice cream cone. She got herself one as well. 

I have anxiety again maybe due to the Pepsi. The anxiety comes and goes. It's a painful slight burning feeling in the stomach. Maybe I should get Metamucil probiotics. The mind gut axis. 

One good thing about anxiety is that it helps me save money. I used to have days when I spent $200 or more in one day. I once spent $300 in one day when I got my 2 YDD lightsabers. Another time I spent over $1,000 in one day when I got my return tickets for a flight to Thailand. I didn't use the return portion so I had to purchase a second return ticket. 

One never wants to be stuck in a foreign country with overstay and with the IDC immigration detention centre looming. It's best not to travel to another country at all. 

I don't know if I could do that anymore. Even the smallest things give me anxiety. Should I watch this movie, I don't feel like it. Bang! Anxiety. I need a miracle to cure me from my anxiety. Pray for me. 

Debbie Hellion has been released from the hospital. She's at home now but her voice sounds somewhat subdued. She's probably slung up on pills that the hospital gave her. She's with her dog Daisy again. I worried so much about her and even wondered if she had died. 

That's where this brain of mine takes me. A lot of anxiety is all in the head. Over thinking, excessive imagination and worry causes anxiety. Basically it's pessimism. Try being optimistic. 

PM Justin Trudeau said that by the end of the decade, in 2030, Canada plans to plant 2 billion trees. Are there 2 billion saplings available? Tree seeds or pine cones could always be planted in pots and grown in a green house or in a hydroponics warehouse. The soil would need to have nutrients, proper PH levels and loam content. You don't need special formula, just water. But pine cones are serotinous meaning they need the heat from forest fires to help them germinate. 

What kinds of trees? Western Canada has mainly coniferous trees like pine, cedar and fir and Eastern Canada has mainly deciduous trees like maple, elm and oak. But the annual cutting down of pine trees for Christmas trees would offset that target. 

Do the math. Even at the rate of a million saplings planted every three months, it would take 500 years to plant 2 billion trees. 

PM Justin Trudeau saying that before the end of the decade there will be 2 billion trees planted is even more impossible than President John F Kennedy saying that before the end of the decade man will land on the moon and return to Earth safely with 60s technology. 

Why doesn't PM Justin Trudeau say, "Did I say two billion? Let's just make it 2 million and call it 'even'". 

Saturday, April 22, 2023

The YouTube channel Second Thought says that the system is a crooked table that is slanted against you. Junkies that accidentally overdose therefore has grabbed the brass ring on the merry go round that is life. They don't know which does or even if the dose is fatal so like the firing squad that has one gun that fires blanks, the jubkie has plausible deniability in his conscience that he didn't commit suicide intentionally. 

The first episode of the show Lucky Hank says, "The misery industry, the bad stories on the News is what sells. How many people are in the happy industry? One person." If it bleeds, it leads. 

Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer and other pastors like TD Jakes are in the happy industry and they do well. Prosperity evangelism is no more delusional than the Cassandra bad predictions bad news industry. 

There are lots of prediction videos on YouTube. Whenever I see prediction videos on YouTube, I think of a lot of things. I think of:

- In 1914 when WW1 started, people standing on top of a hill holding signs saying that the end of the World was happening.

- In the 1920s there were movies saying that in the 1960s there would be flying cars in all cities. 

- During the 70s, there were predictions that a new ice age would start around the year 2000. 

- During the 80s, there were predictions that there would be a major nuclear war in the 1990s. One Nostradamus documentary in the mid 80s said that August 1997 would be the date of the nuclear war. 

- Alex Jones said that before the year 2010, lots of people would be moved to FEMA camps. When that didn't happen before 2010, he kept moving the timeline of his prediction. He even endorsed emergency supplies of food and survivalist prepper gear for people to stockpile. And Patriot blend brand coffee too. 

Today I went to a Chinese restaurant. Then I visited Heather. We went to Booster Juice. I got the free Energy boost with ginseng. 

There is a new movie called Beau Is Afraid starring Joaquin Phoenix. It's about a guy suffering from extreme anxiety and paranoia which reminds me of myself. In the movie he goes through things including his mother being decapitated. This isn't a Walter Mitty type movie where the protagonist sees things that everyone else doesn't. What he sees is actually happening to him. The movie has been described as Kafkaesque and if the Kafka novels The Metamorphosis or Die Verwandlung and The Trial are anything to go on, it's going to be a bizarre movie. It's a 3 hour movie. 

The Matt Reeves Batman movie, Avatar the Way of Water, Babylon and the 1915 movie Birth of a Nation are three hour movies. 

III hour movie. More bang per Buck. 

Sunday, April 23, 2023

There is cruel and unusual punishment and then there is Kafkaesque which is a level above or else below that. The downtown Eastside tent city is Kafkaesque. Me working for Heather these last 3 years was epic Kafkaesque. Kafka's most Kafkaesque novels were The Metamorphosis and The Trial. 

I used to think that finding a girlfriend or else a new girlfriend would help my anxiety and depression. Now I'm at the point where I know that finding a girlfriend or a new girlfriend would not help. Every woman is a blessing and a curse. There are things about her which I like and on the other side there is a bunch of red flags. I'm sure women feel the same way about men. 

I got an invite from Debbie Hellion to visit her. It would be interesting. She has a cute dog named Daisy. She lives right in the heart of tent city. I hope I don't get robbed or stabbed. 

I would like to stay with Debbie. I've seen her apartment so many times on YouTube. She's an older lady. Over 60. I have a thing for ladies over 60 but I'll be on my best behavior. 

My plan is to meet up with her. Then I'll go exploring and then meet up with her again before it gets dark. I plan to stay just one night with her and then on subsequent nights I'll stay at a hotel. I could stay in Vancouver a few days longer than I expected if I really like it. If Heather wasn't in my life I'd stay for an extended period of time but I can't I can't put my life on hold for Heather. Working for her and worrying about her has taken the energy I would otherwise have for doing cartoons. But I did enough cartoons and it took me nowhere. While I have 333 subscribers, Debbie has over 900 subscribers. Once she gets over 1,000 subscribers, she can make money from her YouTube videos. 

I'd like to make money from my videos but a million views gets only $7,000 prorated to Scotty Kilmer getting a billion views and getting $7 million from YouTube. $7,000 isn't enough to to move to Kitsilano in Vancouver or else James Bay in Victoria and get an 80s BMW which is my ultimate dream of success. My videos have about 500,000 views so that'd be about $3,500 in YouTube revenue that I'd also have to pay taxes on. 

There was a red 1987 BMW 325i advertised on a car dealer website in Minnesota selling for $20,000 US. That car has already been sold. 

A white BMW would be nice but I really need it to be red. Candy apple red. I could get it repainted at a paint shop but that costs money. 

Today I went to Church. Then I went to Fisherman's Wharf. I got a bit of smoked salmon. I got a small bag because that's all I could afford. Then I went to the mall and got some sushi. I went home after that. I discovered a new music group called Neil Frances. 

Frances was Lady Diana's middle name. Also the middle name of my old hemiplegic friend Lynne. I wonder if Lynne is still alive. She was a hardcore junkie. 

Monday, April 24, 2023

I woke up worried about my trip to Vancouver. So many questions. 

I worry about getting robbed or stabbed on Hastings Street. But lots of people lived there for years and never got stabbed or robbed. The News always talks about the few people who got stabbed and not about the thousands that didn't. I smoke tobacco. Can I last 3 or 4 days without tobacco? I can always get a pack of smokes in Vancouver. 

I worry that if I stay the night at Debbie's, later on she might accuse me of having taken something if something goes missing in her place. My dad used to warn me not to stay at people's places for such a reason. 

On a YouTube video about Prince Harry, someone in the comments section said, "A succubus will attach herself to an unwitting male and then drain his soul." Every guy feels that way about his girlfriend eventually. 

I don't know if Debbie and I will hit it off. 

"There's the old song, 

Met her on Monday

Took her out for drinks on Wednesday

We were making love on Friday."

Dont ever lose that imagination. 

Last night I had a nightmare about answering a door and a guy wearing an orange sweatshirt who I sensed was sinister was standing outside. I closed the door quickly. 

So many YouTube videos say Don't worry about things that most likely won't happen. 

About my trip to Vancouver, a book called Wisdom of Souls said, "You can be afraid but when you get there, it will be bliss, just great. You don't need to know where you're going. Just explore."

I'll miss Heather when I visit Vancouver. I'm going to miss my sweetness. 

Today I visited Heather. We went to Tim Hortons and then to a Community Centre for lunch and then we hung around downtown. 

Getting ready for my possible trip to Vancouver. Of course I'm not legally required to go and I reserve the option to cancel at the last second. I hope I find a hotel room. 

Tuesday, April 25, 2023

Decided at the last second that I'm not going to go to Vancouver. Too crazy. Stay there for two or three nights? Cray cray crazy. I kind of want to go and kind of don't want to go. I'll go when or if I really rally want to go. 

I only slept two hours. No dreams that I can remember. I even went to the bus stop with my things. Even before going to the bus stop on the elevator down, I realized I forgot a couple of things in my room. That spooked me. What if I forget things as I'm leaving my hotel room in Vancouver? And staying in a hotel for 2 nights would be expensive. Spending too much money gives me anxiety and I have an anxiety disorder. 

Anything that is too difficult isn't worth doing at all. 

I decided that I don't want to stay overnight at Debbie Hellions place ever if she lives on Hastings Street. Everyone I talked to said that the downtown eastside is dangerous. I'm worried I might get robbed and or stabbed. If they see me carrying a bag of things they might want to take it. One guy on YouTube said that there's people there who look for anything they can steal. I had to write a note to Debbie telling her that I won't be going after all. Either way it takes guts. Going there takes guts. Deciding not to go takes guts. 

I only just went to Vancouver last year. I'll go again in one or two years. 

But if I go, I'm not visiting the downtown eastside especially at my age. My friend Dave aka Mr Science is 78 years old. He said he visited the downtown eastside and he sensed that people wanted to rob him. 

I might go on a micro vacation today. I might visit Sidney BC or else see a movie at someplace or other. It is half price Tuesday. 

If I can't go to Vancouver, there's no way I'm ever visiting London England to see Buckingham Palace. Going to Vancouver is crazy enough. Going to London is a hundred times crazier. I don't want to be crazy. I want to be normal. Going to Vancouver is either really expensive, on a sea plane or it takes a long time, going on a bus and a ferry. Going to London would be expensive and takes a long time. A longer time than it takes to go to Vancouver. Why do I get these ideas in my head to travel here and there? Why that's crazy! Don't be crazy. Be normal. 

This morning I went and saw Suzie again. First time in months. She's a sweet lady. I was only able to talk for two minutes. Suzie seems to have gained a bit of weight. She seems chunkier than before. 

Then I walked to the beach. I had anxiety and a huge wave of depression. 

In the afternoon, I went to a Chinese restaurant. I had house special fried noodles. Then I visited Heather. 

The writer Robert Russell wrote that anxiety can come from not drinking enough liquids as dehydration can cause heart palpitations. Hunger can cause anxiety because not eating enough causes low blood sugar that can lead to anxiety. Not sleeping enough, at least 8 hours a day can cause exhaustion which can lead to panic attacks. 

I had anxiety and depression today making me wonder if I have to be checked out for mental illness. I wonder if I'm going crazy. 

I hope that God can help me. 

Wednesday, April 26, 2023

Today I walked out and I saw Heather on the street! Funny thing is, I was thinking earlier that maybe I'd see her on the street today. 

We went to the Public Market. Heather got some pizza and a salad. I got a California roll sushi. 

Then I walked around downtown. I went to McDonald's to get a sundae but their ice cream machine was broken. 

Then I walked to look at the seaplanes taking off. 

I spent the day in worry and depression. The depression in my heart pounds like the wolf's head in Lord of the Rings, grond! grond! grond! grond!

I think my old age will be blasted and wretched and I have to live it. An old age full of living in one room rooming houses. I'll never find a woman whom I am personally and sexually compatible with. An old age of loneliness. That and with the chance of some wretched old age disease. 

If I go to Vancouver again, it will be for one night and I'll go on the seaplane. 

The Zackey Force Funk Band has some good songs, 

- Around My Way

- Lil Dutchie

- Hearts On Fire 

- Can't Buy My Love LA

- Abc My Love

Heather is high maintenance. She is clumsy and drops things all the time. She drops the things and I have to pick it up. She goes to a restaurant. She drops a utensil and I have to go and get another utensil. She drops things so often that she gives me an anxiety disorder. Over these last years in Victoria, I have gotten an anxiety disorder from the people around me and from the people in my life. 

Heather is an energy vampire but just about every person I ever met was. Most friendships are high maintenance. Most groups are culty cults that want to coopt you into their weird shit of a trap. Every single religion in the world is a weird cult even the mainstream religions. God transcends religion. 

The friendship with Heather has drained my soul. I can't do cartoons anymore and I can't enjoy smoking pot like I used to as long as there is the shadow of Heather in my life. All the friendships lasted on average for 5 to 13 years and no friendship I ever had lasted longer than 16 years. I hope the friendship between Heather and I ends someday, somehow. I hope that I can find the energy and the will to somehow just drift apart from her. 

People treat each other like they treat the ocean. They extract the good things from the ocean like the fish and the edible seafood and dump in the ocean their sewage. A person feels good and bliss and good vibes so seldom because as soon as a person goes into a place, the people of that place somehow suck the good energy from that person and somehow gives that person their bad energy and the person walks out of there feeling drained. How many times have you walked into a place feeling worse than you did when you went in there? 

There are no good towns. Every town in the world is a trap full of undesirable people and delinquents. There are a lot of delinquents in this town who are a drain and a burden to society. If I was a Prime Minister, thank God I never will be, I'd be a tyrant. Every person who is a layabout, delinquent, scuzzy person, homeless drug addict, vagrant, dirty unkempt alcoholic in the street would be executed. The streets would look clean like the Town in the Stepford Wives and like the cities that the architect Le Corbusier envisioned. 

That might be coming. All this extreme Left ultra tolerance of tent cities and tolerance for hard drug possession would make the public cry out for an opposite and reactionary solution paving the way for the extreme Right. 

Problem Reaction Solution. Point Counterpoint. 

The extreme Left is Dionysian which is tolerance and a laissez faire attitude to societal structure. It is disorder. The extreme Right is Apollonian which is non tolerance to lackadaisical behaviour. Which is non tolerance and discipline. It is order. 

One day all this extreme Left in society will be over and the extreme Right will happen. Extreme Right will be that anyone who doesn't conform, anyone who lacks discipline and flaunts a dissolute lifestyle publicly on the streets will be taken away to an internment facility or correctional institution. China and Singapore have the right idea. You don't see too many drug addicts and delinquents in tent cities in Singapore. It would be a Police State. 

In the extreme Right society, anyone who doesn't live a pure Christian lifestyle or else a disciplined lifestyle of whatever religion will be placed in a mental institution, a work camp, a prison or else they will be executed. Such a society would be 100% even a 1,000% better than the society that is presented in the streets of North America. 

Anyone who doesn't give back to society in some way even if its just picking up garbage, anyone who isn't thoughtful and considerate to others, should be in a mental institution or else executed. That's the kind of Prime Minister I'd be or else I hope a Prime Minister like that is elected one day. 

The best US President that exemplified that ideal was George W Bush as well as his father George Bush. They were very strict and non tolerant to crime and any social deviancy. They were adherents of a Police State. 

If I was a Prime Minister, anyone who lives in a tent and refuses housing and does hard drugs and is a delinquent who vandalizes public property or is a slovenly panhandler would be cut off welfare and possibly executed. 

If a person is sober, disciplined, practices meditation, gives back to society in some way even if its picking up garbage and is a thoughtful and considerate person to others, those people will be honoured and continue to get welfare. 

The streets would seem cleaner and not scuzzy. There would be less grafitti and less garbage and trash on the streets. There would be less mentally ill and delinquents on the streets if any. All the delinquents and scuzzy people should be executed to create a cleaner society with only sober upstanding and disciplined people. As it is now the streets just seem to get scuzzier and scuzzier with each passing year. There used to be vagrancy laws where anyone found loitering in the street who could not produce even 25 cents was locked up. Such laws were to prevent what you see going on today with the tent cities of today which are like the hobo jungles of the 1930s Great Depression. 

There are poverty pimps and activists who make money off such people. They are para-parasites or else those who parasite off other parasites. If I were Prime Minister, they would be executed too. If I were Prime Minister, poverty pimps and such special interest groups personnel would all be summarily executed. And good riddance. Those bleeding heart Leftists who run safe injection sites and demonstrate for a safe drug supply, would all be executed under my watch as Prime Minister. Lee Kwan Yew who was Prime Minister of Singapore was a proponent of executing drug dealers. The Philippines President was a proponent of executing drug dealers and drug users too. They were great. 

I hope Canada elects a Prime Minister like that one day as the current PM of Canada certainly isn't like that. Not even close. 

My friend told me years ago that Rudolf Steiner talked about the era of the male rescuer and the male destroyer and the female rescuer and the female destroyer. The Babylonians fertility cults and the human sacrifices was the time of the matriarchal destroyer. The patriarchs of the Bible was the era of the patriarchal rescuer. Then the wars like World War I and World War 2 and all the other wars as well as suppression of women's right to vote and be in government was the time of the male destroyer. Then the time of the female rescuer happened with women voting, and being politicians, a Queen and less World Wars. Now is the time of the female destroyer with cancel culture, the SOGI curriculum, presentism and housing crisis and tent cities and safe supply and decriminalization of drugs that are inherently dangerous and lethal. I don't know if Rudolf Steiner actually wrote about rescuers and destroyers. Someone just told me that and it sounded interesting. 

Right and Left could be rescuers and destroyers too. The vagrants and the dissolution of social order is the Left destroyer era. The Return to order is the Right rescuer era. Then the enforced militarism, the ultra strict emphasis on conformity, the constant brutal crackdowns of a Police State is the Right destroyer. Then the relaxed times again is the time of the Left Rescuer. 

This is perhaps simplistic and is conflating a few ideas together but no one reads my blog anyways. I never got paid money for my writing ever. My mother sees how unsuccessful I've become and I would ask her why didn't she perform an abortion? 

The idea is everything in moderation including moderation. Too much of anything even a good thing is Star Trek's The Trouble with Tribbles. 

"The British have a saying, "Don't take anything too far in any direction, or you will wind up defeating your original purpose."" William Burroughs 

Trump said it's the parents who are responsible for the delinquency of their children. All the delinquents and drug users living in tent cities had terrible parents probably. Unskilled people who thought they'd try their hand at parenting. Just because a person can go to the bathroom they don't automatically think they have what it takes to get an A or a B ticket as a plumber. But just because people have a working reproductive system, they think they have what it takes to be a parent and with horrible disastrous results borne from incompetency. And those parents know who they are. 

The human species won't be around in 200 years. These last one or two centuries is the swan song of the human species. 100% guaranteed. 

Those who have children today are those who didn't think things through and who absolutely don't care at all that their great great grandchildren will be doomed to live a very horrible life as the human species collectively meets its final end in a seige of attrition of some kind. If the population doubles every 30 years, at this rate, in 200 years there will be a trillion people on Earth. The human species will be the cancer or virus that wipes out the Earth like locusts eating an entire field of crops. Who cares. The human species is largely a pernicious and undesirable species or like Sigourney Weaver said, "I don't know which species is worse. At least you don't see them screwing each other over for a damned percentage." or words to that effect. 

Or as Travis Bickle said in Taxi Driver, "One day a real rain will come down and wash all this scum off the streets." Within ten years Canada will elect an extreme Right government. 

All the fast food restaurants have mainly East Indians working there whereas 40 years ago, there'd be all White people working there. Being the supreme race it would be beneath the dignity of a White person to work at a fast food restaurant. They'd rather be on welfare or else umemployed living on the streets smoking meth which somehow isn't beneath their dignity. 

Minimum wage can barely afford rent living in an apartment let alone owning or renting a house. The real estate prices and housing crisis is the first death knell of the human species. 

White people are too individualistic and value their privacy whereas East Indians pool their money for rent and 3 to 5 East Indians live in a space that ordinarily only one White person would live at. 

"I'm sure that God has a plan for all of us."

"Gods a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything."

Keanu Reeves, Constantine 

The War On Drugs has failed. 

But the social experiment that is tent cities and drug decriminalization and tolerance is another failed social experiment. 

In the US, there is three strikes you're out but there's still lots of tent cities all over the US in cities like Los Angeles and Portland Oregon and in Kensington, Philadelphia Pennsylvania. 

The only solution is to adopt the Singapore and the Philippines model. Zero tolerance on hard drug users living on the streets and other such delinquents like vandals. They should be executed and if there's a housing crisis, they're better off dead than to live homeless in such a broken world, so broken that it has a housing crisis. I myself would be willing to lean into the strike stone and take one for the team saying also that I am better off dead than to live in such a broken world so broken that it has a housing crisis. I lost my faith in God. Why would he help me when he clearly hasn't helped so many? In today's world, religion is the opiate of the masses or else opiates are the religion of the masses. 

Religion is a cult, a scam. I don't know why I go to Church. Maybe to fool myself. Religion attempts to answer the unanswerable. What happens after death? The notion of heaven is attempt to assuage the most basic of fears and a money making industry is derived from it. 

Heather said that years ago she was looking after some children from a Catholic Church. I asked her if they were normal children or if they were children who had been molested because it is the Catholic Church we're talking about. 

The Indian residential schools. More graves of children found. Either the Pope at the time didn't know about it and given that at the time there was no internet, but it was a Canada wide and a US wide pervasive systemic problem and the Pope didn't know? The last residential schools closed in the mid 90s and then the internet was just starting but it was there. The internet was referred to as the information superhighway. Or else the Pope didn't care or else practiced cognitive dissonance. 

Catholic Priests aren't allowed to marry. Jewish rabbis are allowed to marry and Protestant Priests are allowed to marry. That's what you get from an institution that doesn't allow people to get married who could otherwise get married. That's ironic for an institution that places such veneration for Mary but doesn't allow people to marry. People on welfare don't get married because they are in a low class and due to economic forces. But Priests are in a higher class and often do well financially for themselves. They should be able to get married but not with the Catholic faith. 

However most if not all Catholic people I ever met are very good people and most of them are more together than I am. And they are more financially successful too. Seeing how financially unsuccessful I am I wonder if my dead mother looking down on me now wishes that she had aborted me. I wish she had aborted me but not even she could have predicted what a massive failure in life I would have become. If I was a rich and successful artist, married with no children and living in Kitsilano or near UBC and had a 1987 model  BMW 325i then I would be successful. Seeing that I didn't achieve that pinnacle of success, I wish my mother had aborted me. I wish I had a time machine. Then I'd go back in time and send my mother a letter asking her not to go through with the pregnancy at all. I wish I could make a deal with God to make this happen. God can do anything. He should go back in time and prevent my birth. He should do that as a massive favor, for me. I hope he does it, because if he does, in the next second, I'd completely disappear and then no one anywhere including myself would have any memory of me. 

"Be careful when fighting a monster lest you become a monster yourself." PM Stephen Harper 

I am a fan of the Monarchy. I have had so many Royal dreams. I have pledged myself to be loyal to the Royal Family. I would never question any decision they make. Long Live the King. God save the King. 

I will be watching the Coronation. But since London is 8 hours ahead and if the Coronation is at 11 am, that means it's on at 3 am in Canada. 

A Monarch is a very powerful Jungian archetype. Monarchs are very close to God. A British Monarch is also technically the top ranking Police Chief of England and of Canada. 

Thursday, April 27, 2023

Went to the grocery store to get bananas as they are medicinal for gastro intestine acid reflux. That's it. I spent the rest of the day at home. 

I watched Jedi Survivor cut scenes movie. 

The video game is better than the movies. 

Video games used to be made after a movie and the video game was a pale imitation. 

Now movies are made after a video game and the movies are a pale imitation. 

"I know you have fear but don't let it shape your course. Choose a direction and act decisively and know that things will turn out."

Cere to Cal Kestis, Jedi Survivor

Merrin reminds me of Suzie. I'd like to spend a day with Suzie on an adventure one day but that's the type of wish that David had in the 2003 movie AI. David wanted to spend one more whole day with his mother and the aliens granted him that wish. 

I think such a wish is nebulous and I don't know why this bag of rocks known as my brain takes me in certain cerebral directions. 

The Human brain is an imperfect algorithm but it's the only one I have to work with. 

Spent all day playing brain games on my Drastic Nintendo DS emulator. 

On Wednesday, I got some Valerian root tea at a tea shop. Since they only sell loose leaf tea, I also got a small tea ball for $6. The Valerian root tea at a tea shop is stronger than Restful Sleep tea bought at a grocery store. I felt total lack of anxiety and even got some of my natural anger back which I haven't felt in years. Not too angry though. I still get anxiety from my tobacco smoking habit. Anxiety will be with me for life. 

This anxiety makes me want to quit life altogether. 

Life is too scary and overwhelming. I think my old age will be lousy and I wish I could skip it altogether. 

Heather is more together than I am. I told her "I'm almost 53. Should I get euthanized? I want to skip old age altogether."

She said, "No."

I said, "Why not, beautiful."

She said, "You got your whole life ahead of you. You got 63, 73, and 83." 

I wish I could be smart like Heather. In a lot of ways she's more together than I am. 

In a lot of ways, women are smarter than men. 

1st term Sleepy Joe. 2nd term Sleepier Joe. 

During the Oliver North trial of Reagan 2nd term, Reagan claimed to have amnesia about the whole thing. 

Friday, April 28, 2023

Today I went to a Chinese restaurant in Chinatown. I had beef chow funn. Then I went to the James Bay Inn pub and had a desert, tiramisu as that was all I could afford. Then I went to the beach. It was nice at the beach. I couldn't stay in all day. Before I was homesick for Vancouver but this town is just as nice if not nicer than Vancouver. The road next to the beach at UBC has half a mile of forest between the road and the beach. You can't see the sea nor the beach at all. In this town with the road next to the each, you can see the beach and the sea. 

Different people have different sized apetites. Some can eat a full meal. Some can only eat so much and no more and want to not eat a full plate of food. 

Same with life. Different people have different temperaments. Some want to live a full life to old age. Others have simply had enough at some point in their 40s or 50s and don't want to and couldn't be bothered to live beyond that as they have had their fill of life. I am one such person. At 52, I have lived enough of life. I find life to be tedious, tawdry, a burden and a hassle. I am resenting the possibility that I have to go on for possibly another 2 decades or more. I think that my old age will be boring, lousy, not worth living and not worth bothering with, I just couldn't be bothered. The best thing that could possibly happen to me is if I go to sleep have a good dream and don't wake up again, ever. I just don't have the appetite for a long life. I hope that God serves me according to my temperament and accords me a medium length life rather than a long life. A medium length life is to die while middle aged.

I don't need a girlfriend. I'd rather be single. Every woman in the world is a series of hidden and not so hidden red flags. My sex drive is mostly gone so I don't have any reason to want a girlfriend. Women are trouble and a hassle. This might sound misogynistic but women say all kinds of crap about men and that's called misandrostic. In this day and age it's Allright for women to slag off men but it's not all right for men to be dismissive of women. 

People would say, "You don't respect women. Don't you respect your mother?!"

I would reply: What. My dead mother?! I'd respect her a lot more if she had never given birth to me in the first place. Or if she had aborted me. She had a golden opportunity of a window of time to abort me and she didn't do it. She didn't abort me and my life hasn't been the same ever since. It's a tragedy that my mother didn't abort me. She really screwed up my life when she didn't abort me. Now, over 50 years later I have to seek out and request euthanasia which is another type of abortion. That's a long time to wait between abortions. 

If I had a daughter I would also warn her that all men are a series of hidden and not so hidden red flags. A man will ruin and break a woman just as his genitals ruin and break a woman's genitalia. And a woman will drain a man's energy just as her genitalia drains the uh, energy of a man's genitals. It's implied in the structure of men and women. That would be the Freudian outlook. Any marriage is a power struggle. What an otherwise extraneous hassle. 

Meanwhile many of the happiest people in the world are single people. To single People, happy couples stand out. To couples, happy single people stand out. I am happy to be single. To have a girlfriend is a burden and a hassle. I'm neither legally required nor morally required nor socially required to have a girlfriend. 

All vaginas smell like 3 day old clam chowder and like Leslie Jones said in Ghostbusters, "This is pretty much how it's going to be. It's not going to freshen up at all."

"Your father died and you feel sadness. But you don't have to let it define you. Don't let it consume you." Merrin, Jedi Survivor

Frozen Ghost is one of the best bands in history. Their songs give me a distinctly good feeling. The members are Arnold Lanni and Wolf Hassel. 

Their best songs are End of the Line, Should I see, Round and Round, and A Pauper In Paradise. I listened to their songs during my worst days of fear and anxiety. Now looking back on those days I get nostalgia. What I thought were the worst days I look back on as good days. These are the good old days. This is the Golden Era. 

Windows 98 had a screensaver called Golden Era. It had an old fashioned vacuum tube radio, a rotary telephone and an old fashioned car and a telephone switchboard operator. There was no internet during the golden Era. Back then the only entertainment was a book or a magazine, seeing a movie at the theatre, black and white television, no vcr or DVD player, and listening to the radio. It was a much simpler time. I wish I was born in 1945 then I would have seen Vancouver in the 50s and 60s which was the golden Era. Back then in the 50s there were not even any film strip viewers at the library let alone flat screens with internet. There were card catalogues. Forget using a computer to search for a book's Dewey decimal system  number. 

Saturday, April 29, 2023

Woke up feeling fear and boredom. Options are limited. Do the same thing over and over again. Or travel. Life always seems to be a choice between an  extremely boring situation or an extremely stressful situation. 

The shadow of death always seems to hang over life. It's best to best to die and be in the afterlife. Death is gotten over with and the shadow of death doesn't hang over the afterlife like it does in life. 

I'd rather die young and extremely successful and have lots of sex like Bruce Lee did than to live a long life with barely any sex and be poor and unsuccessful if given a choice. A short successful life is worth more to me than a long unsuccessful life. 

Debbie Hellion is thinking about moving to Castlegar. I'd advise her against it. 

Castlegar is a backwater. Barely any infrastructure. 

In a backwater, you see the same 25 people day in day out, week in week out, month in month out, year in year out. 

Selection sucks in small towns especially when something is sold out. 

Slim pickings when it comes to finding a girlfriend. And lots of competition whereas in a city, there's lots to go around. 

In small towns you'll see locally printed newspapers and magazine that say Conde Nast voted this town as one of the top ten cities to live in in Canada. See, all backwater towns think they're the center of the Universe with their tow the local line propaganda. 

All the most smartest intellectuals, the ones who build cyclotrons at major Universities live in the city. 

Small towns are very conservative and Christian and Bible belt. Not a lot of temples of any other religions in a small town. 

In a big city, the Police will probably leave you alone or not interact with you all that much. They got bigger fish to fry. In a small town the Police don't have that much to do and you would be a center shot. You'd stand out to them. 

Castlegar is in the interior. No beaches. You'd be hearing that country song, Some Beach Somewhere all the time. 

Still, in all other towns I lived in, Dawson Creek, Prince Rupert, Victoria, no one ever laid a hand on me. In Vancouver, I got punched lots. Big cities are hyper. Very few times, less than once a year or once every few years did I get verbally abused in a small town. In big cities it was sometimes daily. There are lots of toxic people in in big cities. Faster pace of life. Hyper. 

It's either a stressful situation of a big city or an extremely boring situation of a small town. Either way you are trading one set of advantages and disadvantages for another. 

Today I went to visit Heather. I went to KFC and used a coupon to get a chicken burger and I got Heather a 3 piece chicken meal. On the way there, I visited the Mayfair Mall Fair. The Fair has a lot of rides. One ride called Speed is one where a person goes up 12 storeys or more in an open leather bucket seat. Too scary. 

Then me and Heather went for a walk. On the way back, we saw again one of the tenants of her building. She is a fat old lady using a walker and she smells like rancid shrimp. She smells just awful like dead shellfish on the beach left to rot in the sun. She leaves a pungent effluvium of wretched awful odor in her wake. What a delinquent. And she has this crazy energy about her too. Even getting into the elevator after her was an ordeal. The forces of life just had to throw something like that my way. Just had to. I worry that in the months to come that me and Heather will have to encounter this woman often. Just another one of the grim rotten nasty unpleasant surprises from the forces of life. 

I've worried about people before in my life. A lot. Over the decades. And as it turned out, I didn't have much to worry about. Life has been good to me that way. #blessed 

There are some tenants at her building whom I see just about every time I visit there. So much so that I wonder if they're stalking me. When you have a friend, that friendship will expose you to a bunch of personalities that you wouldn't otherwise have encountered if you didn't have that friendship. It's better to be alone. 

A YouTube comment from years ago, "Friends were there for the best times of my life." Reply to that comment, "No, they were the worst times." 

Lots of YouTube videos say it's better to be completely alone than to have even one extraneous friend. I agree.

Sunday, April 30, 2023

I went to the Presbyterian Church this morning. During prayer time it was announced that one of the former parishioners died 1 day short of her 100th birthday. Her birthday would have been Thursday and she died on Wednesday. There was an audible gasp all throughout the Church. Her name was Betty. Which reminds me that Betty White died on her 99th birthday. Had she lived a year longer, she would have been over 100. 

Another person brought up that he  knows a friend who is 103 years old who is a veteran of World War 2 and the Korean War as well. What a life. Surviving not one but two wars. A lot of people don't survive even one war. 

I told a couple of friends at Church that I want to skip old age. One friend told me about a book called The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. After being seriously injured a man was so paralyzed that he could only move his left eye to blink. With this blinking eye he took three months to have an 83 page book written about his life. An assistant had a board with a all of the letters of the alphabet. When the assistant passed over the letter he wanted written, he blinked. 

Another friend said to me, "Old age is a lot of fun."

I ordered take out from a Chinese restaurant. I spent half the afternoon in mild anxiety until I drank the valerian root tea which wiped away my anxiety like a magic eraser. I think I'll be dependant on valerian root tea for life. 

I saw the first 2 episodes of Fatal Attraction starring Joshua Jackson. The show brought up the German word konkopf which is the Mind imagining all the possibilities of something happening before it happens, a movie playing in the mind. 

I do that all the time. Envision the future and scary envisionings too. Hence my anxiety. 

The month is over. I didn't even attempt to try to go on the 10 kilometer run. I don't think that I can even run 1 kilometer. But there are a few people in their 70s and older who run that marathon. 

There is one old man on YouTube who at the age of 56 started running in marathons and triathlons. He ran in over 100 of them and he's in his 80s now. Some old people have a lot of power. They have a lot of gravitas and they have a lot of chi. Meanwhile there's me. I'm very timid. 

One person in my Church is planning a trip to Scotland this summer and she's in her 90s. That's better than me. Even the thought of traveling to Vancouver gives me travel anxiety and I know Vancouver well. I can't imagine traveling to a place that I don't know well. 

I think it's all gone Pete Tong with me. My nervousness and anxiety. I think I'm doomed. 

Listening to music and drinking valerian root tea helps me with my anxiety. 

Listening to 70s music on Sundays I think of 70s Vancouver when there were a lot more of those turn of the century, 1899 to 1900 houses around. Most of those houses are torn down. A lot of those houses suffered from urban blight. Not everyone takes care of their houses well. In the movie The Outsiders, the poor boys, the Greasers lived in a house that would be worth over 1 million dollars today. Back then it was common and not difficult to own or rent a house. Today there is a housing crisis. 

The housing crisis makes me think of just giving up on life. Living in a nice house is impossible for me these days. Maybe there's too many people on the planet and I should do my part and just lean in to the strike zone and take one for the team. If you're old and rich life can be pretty good. If you're old and poor, life sucks. 

I wouldn't want to live to 103. Anyone who is 103 looks and probably feels like sh*t. Their sex drive is beyond completely gone as well. 

At QE2's coronation, the food was coronation chicken which was curried chicken with rice. KC3's coronation food will be quiche. 

On coronation day, I might get some curried chicken with rice at a local East Indian restaurant. 

Real Men Don't Eat Quiche. True or not? I might get some quiche at a local market but it could be sold out. Quiche is made using a pie shell and then scramble some eggs and then throw in things like diced ham, asparagus etc and then bake in an oven for 20 minutes.