July 2021

 

"The old man said to me

Said don't always take life so seriously

Play the flute

And dance and sing your song

Try and enjoy the here and now

The future will take care of itself somehow

The grass is never greener over there.

Time will wear away the stone" 

-Howard Jones, Life In One Day

"All our tomorrows

Find their own ways

And hear the sound of a distant thunder fading away" 

- Joe Cocker, All Our Tomorrows

"You shouldn't worry 

About the things you can't control"

-Jackson 5, Enjoy Yourself

"I'm doing all right, getting good grades

The futures so bright, I gotta wear shades"

Timbuk 3

I go on walks. Otherwise the alternative is to stay in my apartment room all day. What 23 and a half hours a day?! Often when I go on walks I see the Police. The Police are great people. However I sometimes worry that they might be watching me for any psychotic breaks, even the slightest one can send me to the mental hospital. I doubt it. There are already a lot of really crazy people on the street, hebephrenic, drug addicted and hard core drugs too. And even they don't get taken to the mental hospital!

The Police are protectors. I think the Police would like me a little bit. I donate to Police charity every year. Also I pick up slipping hazards off the sidewalk. The other day I picked up a medium sized round stone off of a curb of a busy intersection. I nearly tripled over it! Of course I had to pick it up! I do this all the time, secretly or not. Hidden in plain sight. 

I thought I had my personal stress and PTSD issues. Think of what the Police see on the job every week. Some of those instances have a high potential of spooking someone. Yet the Police seem to be able to keep it together. I admire them for that. 

Devastating: The town of Lytton has been completely immolated including the RCMP Station. All gone. There are no words to describe.

The former RCMP station at 665 Main St. Lytton. That Google still lists the address is ludicrous. Maybe the station will be rebuilt right on that site.

I'm seriously thinking that Lytton could be like Silent Hill or else Centralia Pennsylvania. No town will be rebuilt there as that area is prone to forest fires. Water is a moderator, keeps summers cooler and winters warmer, on average. Lytton is inland, landlocked, and has no water modifier. That whole area is an alley of thermal convection like a convection oven. Unless the forest around is burned so much that they could rebuild there as in the case of Fort MacMurray. The area is in the Rocky Mountain cordillera area which means mountains on either side blocking ameliorating wind and breezes.

Friday, July 9, 2021: Former residents to take a tour of the town to assess the damage as step one in their path to recovery. 

SNL: "Going through the downtown of that city is like riding the magical mystery tour bus on a tour of the human colon!" Touring Lytton would be awful, not even a showdown of its former glory. That can set off a panic attack. My advice is that your mind is painting an inaccurate picture of the future that probably in all likelihood will not happen. It has a tendency to do that. It's otherwise a beneficial protective mechanism gone into a crazy overdrive. The future always has a way of somehow being better and smoother than you think. Knock on wood. 

I should go on a small walk every day and once every three days to a week, go on a big walk. Otherwise walking too much can lead to blisters. 

If I decide to travel to a big city for a vacation, I need to remember to bring blister toe bandages and also to remember to drink water regularly or the leg muscles will cramp up. Big city means much longer walks than in small towns. 

If I go to Vancouver, I'd like to visit Granville Street and UBC. The downtown Eastside can be heavenly as I have felt the most beautiful vibes there especially the area at Oppenheimer Park and the mountains behind, I feel the nostalgia of the 50s, the 70s when the area was a sleepy town that had a lot of blue collar shoreworkers and industry.

At the end of the movie Anonymous, when the narrator said, "The theatres were popular so they weren't able to close them down." And I saw the multicandlestick, and the curtains and the carpet, I thought of the downtown Eastside and I wept uncontrollably with nostalgia and joy for a few minutes. Tears streaming down the face. 

At age 51, I would still give my social skills a grade of C minus which precludes even any possibility of cultivation of bedside manner. 

I saw a beautiful lady on the street. I was dancing. I don't know if I said anything to her. I should've said, "Do you like my dancing?" And smiled. Whether I did not not, it would've been nice. I am still very shy. Which, I don't know. 

Next time I'll smile and ask Do you like my dancing. I can't stop dancing. I dance from boredom. Dancing is an activity like playing an app. A brain activity. 

One day my dancing will cross into the danger zone when the dancer becomes the dance as Michael Sembello said. 

People seeing me dancing might think I'm possessed. I would sure hope not!  On YouTube there is a black man who plays the drums at a Church and the title said that he plays like he's possessed. However one comment said, He's not possessed, he's just very passionate about playing the drums. 

The Style Council is a mix of East London and yuppie style, and tropical sometimes, tropical is palm trees and pineapples.

If getting better and better at something subjective is such a thing, one day my dancing will be at a good point and incredible. However not at the point where it scares me, that would not be at a good point. "It's so good it's scary." I don't want it to be like that. 

Rarely do fears come true. I've had fears before and I made it through. The forces of goodness will guide me.

My dance moves are getting to be too good. I can do it effortlessly and now it scares me a little bit. Like stage fright. Is it crazy or abnormal to be a good dancer? If it is, I'll try to stop. Maybe I should ask the Police or a psychiatrist. 

Lots of people are good at things that are crazy. Like tightrope walking, stunts, extreme sports, and dancing is very popular these days. Lots of people are good at dancing. Even better than me, crazier moves.  I learned from the dancing midget on Twin Peaks. Some people are good at flying 747s from Asia, to Europe, to North America and they do that a few times a week. How crazy and overwhelming is that? 

Life is overwhelming and also bittersweet. Why is it so?

Nothing comes between a friendship like money. Wrong.

Nothing enhances a friendship like the honorable proper facilitation and handling of money.

Nothing ruins a friendship like the dishonorable improper handling and facilitation of money.

Smokes two cartons of cigarettes or more a week! A lot of cigarettes only half smoked. 

People worked hard to generate the taxes to pay for that. 

When someone always underpays you and never steps up to the plate to pay you on time, and you always have to remind them to pay you because this is the person who never leaves tips at restaurants. Ever. Retardation is no excuse for ignorance. 

For the amount of work. And still always having to remind them to pay you. Even for the small amount agreed upon. That's not very street.

I quit the job. I don't care anymore. Abandon ship.

Like Andrea Perron said, "Some people live in a way where their life is completely fucked to the wall!" 

The Captain James Cook statue was taken down and then defenestrated into the harbour. 

Angry Natives livid at the unearthing of yet more mass graves was the catalyst for such an action. 

Just like the statue of Capt Cook, the real Capt Cook didn't meet a good fate at the hands of the Natives either. The story is, Captain Cook went to Hawaii. The first time, he was welcomed. The Natives even sent a floatilla of catamarans out to greet the ship. During the visit, squabbles emerged and James Cook demanded more things than the Natives were prepared to give including some people as workers and some precious resources. Outstretched and to the limit, the Natives grudgingly relented. 

The ship sailed off. More squabbles aboard ship. The men on the ship reached a strange consensus that they needed even more supplies and things from the Natives. They went back a second time. This time no greeting floatilla. During the second trip the animosity between the Natives reached a final chilling conclusion. The Natives handed back to the crew of the ship, Captain Cooks heart eviscerated right from his chest and his severed hands. The Natives were right pissed! Compared to that, the statue that was thrown into the harbour got off lightly.

Final score: Hawaiian islanders 1, Captain Cook 0

In Europe, they're ripping down statues too. Perhaps there's a secret consensus. Those statues are getting too old. It's a new era. The old statues will be replaced with something better. If the government or City Hall took down the statues there would be a lot of anger directed at government decrying the use of taxpayer dollars to tear down statues where the opinions are mixed of whether it's a great statue or not. Now any anger is directed at Natives rather than the government even though the government tacitly agrees that the old fuddy duddy statues should be taken down. It's a new century. 

The Captain Cook statue will probably be replaced with a glowing orcinus orca statue.

I thought it was a statue of George Vancouver who incidentally survived the Hawaii trip that done in Captain Cook.

The increasing crowds have brought about a reverse culture shock and all its attendant evils like panic attacks. I wonder how I'll make it in the months and years to come.

Sadhguru said that worry is a misuse of imagination and memory. 

Every time I travel to a new town, heck, even move to a new apartment  room, there is a period of shock and readjustment. "I wonder how or if I'll make itover the next few months or years."  The human mind adapts to new things quickly. 

I'm afraid I'll make a mistake. That's a universal worry. 

There are other things besides worry. There is love, confidence, positive use of the imagination, etc There is also God's protection and the protection of human kind. 

I am a panic attacky kind of guy. If I won a million dollars in a lottery, I would have a major panic attack. Panic attack or excitement? The two are similar, mimicking each other's symptoms like butterflies in stomach, etc.

I wonder if a Hush blanket is good. It costs $370.

A Hush memory foam pillow is about $150.

The weighted blanket supposedly helps with anxiety.

WalMart sells weighted blankets for $44. 

Some weighted blankets weigh 30 lbs. WalMart weighted blanket weighs 12 lbs. 

Failed mission: I didn't find a weighted blanket at WalMart. However, I have a white heavy quilt, a blue medium one, and a  blue WalMart sleeping bag I bought ten years ago I use as the main blanket that contacts the body. it's so comfortable that I just couldn't part with it. Those three blankets together should be the equivalent of a weighted blanket.

Dear God: My worries are few yet intense. 

My imagination: Although the doctor gave me a complete medical clearance, I imagine that the issue with the mucosa in my nose will flare up into something large and I would have to be euthanized in less than a year. If I make it to Christmas, I'd be surprised let alone til 2025, at least.

The doctor gave me a physical exam which is a systematic check to see if any connective issues which would be present if it was something serious was present. There were no issues found. The doctor told me that she's seen my symptoms on others many times and it is not serious otherwise I would have been told that.

I fear because I once met someone with a cancerous flare up on his lip that kept growing and growing until he was brought to the hospital and euthanized. Like Sadhguru said, Worry is a misuse of imagination and memory.

In 1995, this man was my neighbour. No names ever. This man was a soldier who fought for the Royal Canadian Forces during World War 2. His platoon was part of a contingent that liberated the Netherlands from the Teutonic jackboots of Nazi Germany. When he first had the tumor, it looked small like a little pig nose on his upper lip. In a few months it grew and when the painkillers didn't work and he lost a lot of weight, he was already skinny enough as it was, he was taken to the hospital and euthanized. I often heard him exclaim in a Kurtzian way, "Oh God!" "Oh Jesus!" Me being a bIt of an expert now at medically based panic attacks, his panic attacks must have been through the roof! Knowing what I know now, I would have said to him, "You are going through a medically based panic attack. Although your imagination is taking you to places unimaginable, the future won't be as bad as you think, even with something like this. You have people looking after you. The future won't be as good as you think, but it also won't be nearly as bad as you think. It will be medium. Even if people observing you from a distance see a grim scene, to you yourself you would experience it as a relatively smooth experience."

Medical burnout leaves one feeling stuck, trapped and helpless. The cure is time off. I am going through PCAD burnout. My imagination tells me that I might die from mental stress and collapse.

I worry that I might make a mistake in life. If I don't eat enough vegetables, would I die from malnutrition? More stupid irrational worries.

The reality: Who knows? Things will most likely be all right. Minor medical issues that take awhile to heal but are not otherwise something to worry about are common. Worries come from constantly underestimating the medical industry. Don't do that. Don't go there. 

For eg, in 2003, I talked to someone who said they had a bone marrow procedure and was it ever painful! Oh no! This year in 2021 I talked to someone else who had a bone marrow procedure. Did it hurt? I asked, scared. No, he said, it felt like a bee-sting. That's all. 

In the future, it would be even more painless.

If I don't make it to Christmas this year, I tried to be a good person in life. I regret having written so many words telling people to give up on life. However, it was only give up if things are absolutely hopeless like if one was given a bad medical diagnosis. However, even those were never just mindless screeds as I wrote a lot about other things with it like other dimensions, quantum physics, etc.

I made a few cartoons. Amateur. However, maybe a few people enjoyed them. 

At this point, I wonder if I'll ever get my mojo back.

Premeditatio malorum futurorum.

I can tell you the times I had fear. Every time I went to a new town, I wondered if I would even make it through one month, let alone a few months. I did and things turned out way better than I expected. 

When I saw the super blood moon for the first time through binoculars, this was three days after seeing the movie Melancholia, I screamed! I thought it was a new Mars like planet crashing towards the Earth. Delusional as ever. 

In March 2020 when the coronavirus hit. I imagined soldiers in the streets, my apartment building boarded up and everyone forced into a 2 to 4 week quarantine, no leaving for any reason whatsoever and that relief groups would bring boxes of food and show up in the lobby about once a week. That sure never happened. 

In March 2020, I thought I'd for sure 100% be dead before May 2020 or I wouldn't make it through 2020 at all. Wrong. Wrong. Wrong. I made it through.

I have had this nose thing before even with the slight tingly aching and throbbing. I remember visiting places with that aching, throbbing in the nose but somehow I just glossed over it. Now for some reason, my imagination takes me to fear regarding this.

The fear is, a person in their fifties is ten times as likely to die as someone in their 40s and thus with each succeeding decade. When I'm 60, I'm ten times as likely to die than in my 50s. That's my skewed logic. Would a medical doctor agree with that? So being 50, as Jar Jar Binks said, "It's crunch time!" The 60s and 70s is even more crunch time. 

20 years ago, people in Britain were asked, At what age is one considered old? The answer then was 59. Today the answer is 72. 

"The greatest conflict arises when we compare how we are to how we think we should be." Krishnamurti

Women are to be admired. Getting pregnant is a major heavy duty medical condition. Yet most women don't go through the usual medical based panic attacks. Googling medical symptoms and reading horror stories and totally believing them while glossing over the good stories where things turned out fine while half believing half not believing them. Classic. What if it goes wrong? In this case, this thing happened to this person. Oh no, what if it happens to me? You got to stop doing that. In this day and age, it's something going around. The prevailing notion being why go to med school when you can search the internet and get the equivalent knowledge. Yeah, right. It doesn't quite work that way.

Panic attacks are usually poor indicators of one's objective reality.

However, they are really great indicators of one's subjective reality!

A Princess Diana statue was unveiled in England with notable celebrities in attendance. The timing is peculiar.

These last two years have seen a rache, I mean a rash and a trend of tearing down statues. Lots of statues were torn down in Canada including statues of Royalty. 

That the Princess Diana statue is in England is probably the only thing saving it from a fate in the relativity near future of angry Native mobs tearing it down. 

It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. There's gold among the dross. Sure the White people did some awful stuff to the Natives, but is it all White people all of the time or rather a few White people a few of the time? And is that the only thing they ever did? White people did lots and lots of good things to Natives and the vast majority of them are pretty good. Some are racists but wait until a major medically based panic attack gets them. Then they might see things in a different perspective. Whatever the race, that is something all humans face at least one. 

Cultures and Nations only work on mutual respect. I'm not White yet I respect their culture immensely. Sure, cherry picking the awful negative aspects and events while glossing over the positive happy events and trying to capitalize on that is a choice anyone can make. It's not a choice I'd make. 

I respect all cultures, White, Native, Asian, East Indian, Black etc etc etc That's a good way to go through life. 

The Natives who weren't involved in tearing down statues and respect the culture of Canada as it is now in its weird yet lovable current iteration could and should get some kind of settlement money for the sins of the past. But to pull down statues and still hold out the hand expecting money? Say in some alternative sci Fi reality, the Natives did to the Whites what the Whites did to them and then some White people tear down some Native statues statues of Native Elder Grand Chiefs who although they did a lot of bad and questionable things, was in some way a heimat vernichter, they also did a lot of good. Who cares? Some White people tore down the statue. Seeing White people tear down the statue of an Elder Grand Chief would get them just as mad. And what if those Grand Chief statue pullers down asked for a settlement cheque after that? Would the Natives give them a settlement check? After that?!

Well, what can I say? The good that men do oft lies interred in the grave. The evil that men do lives on forever.

Some people like to cherry pick the negative. 

There's a strange parallel to the statue pulling and the Capitol Building Riot on January 6. 

The statue pullers aren't your run of the mill protestor. They are an indigenous domestic terrorist organization and probably closely connected with the railroad track blockades. 

Within the protestors there is that deadly core demographic. The potential is there. 

"The evil that men do lives after them. The good is oft interred with their bones." William Shakespeare

There has been acrimony regarding Native relations in Canada for a long time. 

1990 was a time when residential schools were still half-ass going. But time was closing in on them fast. 

Even during those beleaguered and benighted times, the town of Oka surmised that it would be a good idea to build a golf course that would extend into the lands of the Mohawk of Akwesasne. The Mohawks didn't like that and fought tooth and nail against the town because of this to the level that even the Army was brought in. Developers started bringing in their machines, the excavators, front loaders and back hoes and the Surete of Quebec, ie the Police. The Natives fought against the Police and one Police Officer died. Then Native barricades were built, jerry-rigged, whatever, and the Canadian Army was brought in. More fights. One 57 year old Native elder died behind the barricades.

Finally, the town judiciously decided to cancel the golf course and the Federal government appropriated the area as Crown land meaning no development on it. *

*Source: canadashistory.ca Evidence and the Oka Crisis

The fights between the Cowboys and the Indians is very prevalent in Canadian culture. I remember in 1973 going to Army & Navy department store on Hastings in Vancouver and at the toy store I saw a cowboy in a stage coach and and Indian on a horse chasing it. The horse was white with large brown patches on it. Toy dioramas have been popular for over a hundred years.

Hopefully the Cowboys and Indians can forget their differences and become friends.

We're all in it together. Medically based panic attacks affect everyone alike, cowboy and Indian.

On May 14, the movie Beans about the Oka Crisis was released and is in theatres now. I'm planning to see it. The cinematography is intense and magnificent. It talks about a benighted chapter in Canadian history. 

Hopefully religion isn't wrong. Otherwise it's just random forces and weird chemistrys. There's no real algorithm. But no algorithm is also an algorithm, right? We'll be all right. There is some organized higher power looking out for us. It often presents itself in angelic or Royal coincidences, signs. It speaks to you at all times and places.

Today, Saturday July 3, I got a David Beckham cologne for aromatherapy. Since I've been liberated from the site of my medical burnout for a few days, I would associate this scent with the smell of freedom. 

At WalMart, when I first went in, I made a beeline straight to the medical department. You know you're a medical zoner when the first place you hit is the pharmaceuticals aisle. I was looking for more blister bandages although I do think the ones I have are enough. The bandages let the body's natural immune system heal the toe. This blister and calluses with it are from a few shoes back! I remember always having that. Now it's all gone! I haven't got time for the pain.

Life is full of surprises. Saturday July 1, I got a plague doctor mask for $40. Usually worth much more. My plague doctor mask has a blue light.

This is my good karma. Although I wasn't an actual plague doctor, I helped someone on a medical level of some degree as a PCAD during the global pandemic. I'll see you a plague doctor and I'll raise you a PCAD, I guess.

This mask is an indicator of my rising rank in the world.

Seeing a movie is an excellent way to get past medical burnout and is a good way to reconnect with the normal world. One movie that looks good is F9. In this movie, Dominic Toretto reconnects with a long lost brother. But this brother is an antagonist to the protagonist who is Dom Toretto. YouTube comments said there's a wicked twist ending. 

Watching Legends of the Fall, after watching The Curious Case of Benjamin Button, I wonder if Brad Pitt was CGI'd to look younger in this movie, but no, that's the actual younger Brad Pitt.

Sunday, 4th of July. I got the animatronic Baby Grogu today for $90 with taxes. I also have another Baby Yoda which I carried around with my scooter. The mask less mandalorian on a scooter with Baby Yoda. I was mildly and pleasantly surprised that no one tried to swipe it off me like they would with the real baby Yoda on the television show. These toys are not that expensive, that's why and used would be even less expensive. 

One of my green toys is called Baby Yoda. The animatronic one is Baby Grogu. You see how that works? The animatronic Baby Grogu activates with letting the top of the head. The top of the head has a digitizer in the form of a plate, the shape is similar to that of an actual plate that is often put in people heads after surviving a gunshot would to the head that only grazed the skull or else after brain surgery. After petting the digitizer, it does a few moves but nowhere near the 25 different moves and sequences it's supposed to do. 

I love it. Years ago I thought of getting a BB8 that does the same thing. Plus if The Force Awakens is played on a television where the BB8 can see it, the BB8 will react to different scenes in the movie. Except the animatronic BB8 is a lot smaller than the animatronic Baby Yoda. 

Now I have twins. I don't know if I'll ever be a father in real life. I somewhat dread the future. But some part of me knows thats more negative imaginary delusional bullshit that's got nothing to do with actual reality. 

In the future, I might visit libraries and Churches again. Libraries. I'd visit once a week to rent whatever new movies. Movies teach and can take a person out of their own depression, panic etc. Churches is a place to meet people and maybe discuss any minor problems. I don't know how often I'll go. 

Dear God: I fear the future. I fear a boring and meaningless future. Please give me a good fun happy future with excitement and meaning. I know I would not just get a future like this unless I earn it. I am striving to be a good person. I am striving to live and to behave with honour. In that way I would be more able to have a good future. 

The future can be very friendly. No fears of the future. 

On June 27 all the way to July 2, I feared the future. Since then I got a really nice plague doctor mask, my Wicked headphones arrived from Amazon, and I got an animatronic Yoda. I first saw the animatronic Yoda in a YouTube video. The host of that video is one of the most beautiful women I have ever seen. She reminds me of a lady I met before but have not since since when. She was reviewing quite a few baby Yoda toys in succession in that video. 

There is another baby Yoda. Mattel. It has a remote control and it follows you around. It's larger and has a few facial expressions and sounds. But I like the one I got better. I got the Hasbro one. There is a kind of antique toy elegance to it. It has more facial expressions and sounds and if lying down, it sleeps. 

"There is no future but what we make." Terminator

The future can only get better. This is what I've been told. 

Indeed, today, I got an annual pass to the Royal BC Museum as well as Miniature World. I already got an annual pass to the Victoria Bug Zoo.

I am getting an annual pass for the Maritime Museum.

There are other annual passes in Victoria BC: Butchart Gardens. Butterfly Garden. Shaw Ocean Discovery. These places are too far away from where I am. 

Of all the annual passes The Royal BC Museum is the best. Oh yeah, there is also a Royal BC Museum IMAX annual pass.

Visiting these places keeps me in touch with the vital cultural pulse of this second most exciting town in all of British Columbia, one of the top ten most exciting towns in all of Canada. 

I plan to go to Church and to find some Christian friends. But friendships can take awhile to form. I want to be the best person I can be. I want to be the best Christian I can be. The future usually turns out better than expected. 

I feel guilty for not having contacted my family for so long but contact is a two way street. How come after years of absence it's me who sends a letter? They never send me a letter after a long absence. The family I once knew is gone. I looked online for names and found about five different addresses for my father alone. He could be living in one of five places, if he's alive at all. Half brother, half sister, they all probably married and I never met their wives or children ever. So that ship has sailed. 

The future does get better. Technology gets better. Movies get better. The second ten years in a town can be better than the first ten. More opportunities can present themselves. 

I plan to visit Vancouver once every three or four months. Head out early and come back late. If I stay overnight, I'll have to sleep in the woods at one of Vancouver's parks in whatever I'm wearing. Or ask someone to recommend a hotel that doesn't require credit cards. 

Thai: Kor nek nam rong remm dee dee noi dye mie? Can you recommend a good hotel?

Sleeping in one of those four in a room hostels can be challenging since I usually sleep at about 2 am. I'd like to stay at the Kitsilano West End hostel. The West End is preppie and yuppie. The East End is decidedly more picaresque but I could work with that. 

The downtown Eastside seems very chaotic and disorganized but there is order within the chaos. Most street people, down and out and possibly strung out on drugs otherwise have good hearts. They'd give you the shirt off their back. I swear that most of them are more together than me in at least one way. Maybe they don't worry so much about various things like I do. God bless the whole lot of them. A lot of them have different skill sets. 

Hopefully all their futures will be bright. Hopefully my future will be bright too. 

The Community Centre I've been going to for meals I've been warned has some violent people. However nothing has happened to me. And someone said, "Yet..." to that. 

"Don't make eye contact."

"Just eat and go."

"Don't get involved with anyone there."

I don't know if I should go there again. Others have said it's an OK place. A bit edgy but otherwise very survivable.  I know someone who has gone there for years for every meal. I asked him about the possibility of violent people there. He said, "I don't notice anything."  

That Community Centre often has people butting in line. It gives the place a certain social atmosphere. So much so that if no one butted in line, you'd think they were all sick. Everyone who goes there says that happens. It happened to me quite a few times there. The demographic is largely hard core drug addicts, the mentally ill and possibly ex-cons.

If you've been going to that Community Centre for a while and no one has butted in front of you in line, you haven't been doing it right.

Never give up on life. There's always options or else unforeseen good surprises. God will provide. If things are getting you down, travel is always an excellent option to pursue. Travel can really shift the center of gravity of one's current intellectual experience. In astrology, travel is the 7th house. 

Gino Vannelli, Brother to Brother is my favorite Gino Vannelli album. All songs on that album are genius. Gino Vannelli has been under rated over the years according to YouTube. But not to his fans. The last time I listened to Gino Vannelli often was when I was a teenager in 1984. Then he stopped making so many albums and I was into different music. 

As an old man, he looks very happy and spiritual. There is a YouTube video of him in concert a few years ago. I wish that I can look as happy and spiritual when I get to his age. His music takes him into a different spiritual zone. And spirit controls the body. Healthy spirit, healthy body. Hopefully. 

The song Brother to Brother is my earworm of today.

Is it normal for a dental hygienist to slide those sickle scalers over the teeth? Wouldn't it scratch the enamel as that is the only part of the body that can not repair itself. However sickle scalers are a universal accoutrement of dental hygienists.

The scam is to get me in for teeth cleaning all the time, scratch my enamel and tend to any issues as a result, earning extra money. More negative delusional bullshit. 

I went to see the movie F9. It was a very happy and positive experience. The last movie I saw was Rise of Skywalker and that was in December 2019. Then the pandemic. This is the first time I've seen a movie since the pandemic. I loved it. I felt the normal forces of life embrace me again. I hope I have a great future. But in order to have a great future, I have to have a more normal one first. The movie theatre takes me back to normal times. F9 was a great movie. A very uplifting message of family and lots of exotic locations like Cologne Germany, London and Edinburgh. Seeing the movie was like going on an adventure. I feel a lot better about my future and the future. Sometimes a movie is what you need. Even if one travels overseas, seeing a movie while there enhances the experience even more. Shopping malls, restaurants, libraries, churches, and movie theatres are all places where millionaires and poor people can comingle and hang around each other in a more or less equal social footing. Going to see a movie at a theatre is still a great experience even for a millionaire. 

Another delusion: I fear the vaccine has caused a cytokine storm attacking my brains ability to produce the feel good chemicals dopamine and serotonin. Also my dreams are geometric puzzles and weird. Maybe it affected my dream ability too. 

The vaccine could produce a ceiling effect for recreational drugs. Smoking pot no longer produces good feelings, only ultra paranoid feelings. Wrong! There is no evidence to support this. 

Wrong. Because one day my feel good chemicals will return again and I will have the same old dreams I used to again. 

Dichotomous key: 

Am I well or unwell? 

If well, be glad carry on. 

If unwell is it something recoverable or fatal?

If recoverable, I'll get better. 

If fatal, I'd hopefully get euthanized and it's on to the afterlife from what I gather is funky. The medical industry should not be underestimated and you'd be surprised at how smooth and painless it turns out to be despite your fears which they have been trained to anticipate and deal with. Tomophobia or fear of medical procedures is part of the psychological component of all medical professions including dentistry. 

In the years to come, medical technology will improve even more.

Or else I'll die naturally of shock and it'd be a surprise anyways.

One tip. Stop watching self help videos about depression. Stop talking about depression as much as possible. 

With that being said, when depression, panic attack etc happens, the prefrontal cortex which is responsible for visualizing a good future, etc shuts off as the amygdala hijacks the whole show. 

A YouTube video says depression lies to you about the future and the past too. 

Two ways to combat depression. On the prefrontal cortex level Tell yourself food things about the future that you already know. The future has all kinds of good surprises, always had, etc

And on the amygdala and hypothalamus level,  breathe deep and go on walks and see good scenery. *

*Source: Douglas Bloch

Writing about this makes me nervous. It's very spurious. 

I'm at a very strange time in my life. I will have to not have worked for none months to have not worked for as long as I have worked. Who cares? Two months or less wears away the effects of most things however long. 

One way to get good vibes. On Sunday, go to Church or watch a Church sermon on YouTube including stained glass windows and music.

Then in the afternoon, listen to Stingray 70s channel 420.

Every other day of the week it's Stingray 80s channel 421 except on Sundays.

It only works once a week as Sunday only comes once a week. But once a week is better than zero times a week. I felt it a bit last Sunday even. 

I fear that my future will be boring, meaningless, hopeless, and scary. After 50, you're over the hill. I might be stuck in this apartment room for the next 20 years. Scary. But the future is full of surprises. Even moving is scary. What to take, what not to. This is scary, that is scary. What hope is there? One day I will find an answer. 

My life is a mess. I fucked up my life. Addicted to weed and tobacco. Not a heavy smoker though. And always looking at weird porn namely granny porn. I'm surprised that I'm still alive. I wonder how long I'll live? 

Hopeless.

I hope that God helps me with my life.

 

Over the last month, the future turned out better than I expected. The future is getting better.

A big walk doesn't have to be done every day. That would be excessive. A small to medium walk once, twice, even three times a day some days is good. 

My life isn't any more hopeless than it was a few years ago with my non-employable brain. I wasn't worried then, why would I worry now? 

At one time I thought my future included, because of my talented cartoons, angel investors, royalties, and because of my dreams, trips to England to meet Royalty, trip to Disneyland and Disney Studios to participate in STAR WARS movie somehow. 

Dream on. 

I don't know about working as an animator. Here's a project, complete it in this time frame. I don't know if I could or would do that. 

I should apply for BC Housing which is a social housing unit. Modern and contemporary market standard condo-like suites for those on low income. I haven't found any places that I want to stay at. I wonder if I'll be stuck in this apartment room for the next twenty years? Who knows the future? 

If I travel to Poland, I'd most like to visit Gdansk in the Province of Pomeranian.

Gdansk is very similar to my town I am in now. It is a very architecturally beautiful seaside town and thus a lot of its preoccupation is with nautical things like ships and boats. This town, sometimes you can smell the tar from the ships. Gdansk is a small town. 

I hope to God that I can have a great future. But a lot of it depends on me. 

One way to get out of any self preoccupation is Google Maps, visit a town and walk through it thoroughly. You can get to be an expert of a lot of towns this way.

I discovered a new radio station: Radio zlote przeboje 100.1

Radio Golden hits from Masovian Province. 

One day, I'd like to move to Poland and celebrate Christmas among the beautiful old architecture.

My 2nd coronavirus vaccination is scheduled for late July. 

Two weeks after the 2nd vaccination, only then is someone considered fully vaccinated. 

I fear the vaccine will kill me in a few years or do something weird to my body. 

A YouTube video about humans in the future said that for one thing, humans immune systems in the future won't be as good as it today and will naturally be more susceptible to diseases since relying on artificial vaccines, in the future, those vaccines would be the only way humans can survive. 

Also, the last fifteen months being in a pandemic funk and lockdown, I wonder if I e lost my touch. That now with things starting up, will I be able to adequately face the accelerating pace of life and society after having lapsed for so long? We all think that to varying degrees. The answer is "Yes!" Like President Obama said, "Yes you can!"

I was thinking of going to a few Churches but I fear that they will try to co-opt me, ie get me to go there every week. I don't know how often I'll go too. 

I plan to visit a Protestant Church, a Presbyterian Church, a Chinese Church and possibly an East Indian Sikh temple. I'll introduce myself but I might talk about fears of the future, coping abilities, relapsing, growing old and beyond. All fears. 

Going to the Chinese Church is like visiting Hong Kong for a couple of hours although they use very specific religious words not usually heard on Hong Kong streets. The way they talk, the words I understand are complex enough, high school words, then they use really complex university words sprinkled here and there. "You speak Chinese well!"

Love is more powerful than love or anger. Love love remembering that you do things from love and if love is your purpose and your guide, that will eventually take away fear. 

"Perfect love casts out all fear." St Paul

This too shall pass. 

One time I was in Bangkok for the first time. I never made the trip back to Canada yet and didn't know if that was a reality or what it would look like. I looked in the mirror and said, "You really did it this time, didn't you?" Not knowing if I'd ever return. Oh fuck, as it turned out, I went there and returned from there three times. No worries. 

As far as aging, in the old days it was believed that brain activity declines with age. This is no longer true.

Brains have neural plasticity. And with brain derived neurotrophic factor, brain cells do get replaced and that is why a lot of old people are still as sharp as ever. 

I didn't go to Church today. It would feel strange to go to a Church that speaks a different language than the one I usually speak and seek. I decided to watch the YouTube video of George Galechihadze and stained glass window music and that sets the tone for Sunday bliss. 

Every person on the internet fears that today is the day they'll write the article or do the video that makes the Police think, OK, this guy is out of control. Off to the looney bin! 

However the pool of competition regarding this is vast. If this phenomenon  was to be triaged, the ones who do anything on the dark net you would think would be the first to go. Regular internet is vanilla compared to the murky underpinnings and dealing of 'the other internet'. 

Lots of people have been online for decades now, since the mid 90s and they never got arrested or even questioned. 

Sunday, July 11, 2021. I went to Starbucks and I saw someone put one leg up on a statue monument pedestal. That's a Police move! I've seen Customs Agents make that move. In the movie Beverly Hills Cop, Taggart made that gesture in the nightclub just before the big bust. But anyone could make that gesture. Well, if he was an agent or Police Officer and he wanted to speak to me about something, he would have for they don't suffer from reticence. My feeling sometimes is that the Police are watching me, watching all of us for any slight signs that might even hint at a psychotic break. Then it's off to the puzzle factory. Or else I'm like Ethan Hunt in Mission Impossible on a mission but there are other agents watching me and wanting to take me out, ie to dispatch me. The secret life of Walter Mitty much?

The Police are protecting me. They have my back. The Police protects everyone who obeys the law. 

Then on Beacon Hill Park trail, a couple on bikes swerved close to me. I thought they were going to attack me. But no. Sometimes people get tired after riding a bike all day. Lots of swerving, indecision, who moves out of the way, but if I yield too much would that appear weak? But move enough out of the way to be polite. There's lots of room to the side of me why dont they ride there? When I use my scooter I'm always sure to give people a wide berth. However not all others think this way. It was an error of propinquity, if it was an error at all. This is a small town. I'm sure this happens in big crowded cities a lot more often, like all the time. The couple otherwise totally ignored me. Now had they had a specific issue with me, that wouldn't have been the case. 

Two weeks ago, otherwise, I thought the next two weeks were going to be awful. They were great! Every day, paradise, beauty, meaningful enriching experiences, luxurious elegance of wide sweeping and grand natural beauty of the most pristine variety. That's what the future of the then next two weeks were going to be and have been like! 

Meaningful because at the Orca whale exhibit at the museum, whales evolved from a 4 legged land creature called the pakicetus. Paki because it lived in what is modern day Pakistan as that's where pakicetus fossils were found. Then as it developed into whales, it branched off into two main groups, odonticenes like killer whales which have the original teeth of the old pakicetus, and mysticenes are whales with baleens and the weird vestigial whale teeth. This town has tours that visit orca odonticene whales and other tours that go visit the humpback mysticene whales. Meaningful or what? 😁

How did something that spent 24 hours a day on land become whales? What was the chain of events around that? What were the decision making processes? It probably got to the point where it was, "We're already spending 23 hours a day in the water, what's another hour?" And at that point, they became whales. 🐋 🐋 🐳

I also saw a black Lamborghini on this day. Engine sounds powerful. Nice but very very expensive.

The only person I talked to on this day was the barista at Starbucks. I realize most of my days are like this anyways. Most days previously, 'the retard' was the only person I talked to. No conversations in a day is better than imbecilic conversations and no conversations a day is preferable to one that includes a lot of griping. 

There is objective loneliness as when being alone in a room.

And there is subjective loneliness, feeling alone when in a crowd. Can't win for losing, I guess.

I've worn headphones every day for the late ten years and I wonder if I've fucked up my life because of it. There's lots of ways a life can seem derailed. Get a body tattoo or any kind of visible tattoo. That's there for life. Or decide to wear a punk rock haircut and nothing but for ten or more years. Wearing headphones is no more a sin than being deaf. It stops me from eavesdropping on a lot of conversations that are really none of my business. When speaking to others, even to yourself in public places, there is always a slight element of psychodrama. "Speak not too loud, not too soft, maybe others around me can hear it, maybe they can't." There's always an element of that. Sometimes someone could say something to someone else that is the exact piece of advice you need to get me through whatever I'm going through and if I wear headphones, I miss it. But usually that's not the case as often conversations are full of scorn and acrimony. 

The headphones helped me to develop my dancing to quite a level. My dancing cheered a lot of people up and helped them get through the pandemic. Helped me get through the pandemic! 

"Is this a just for now thing or is this going to be fucking forever?" John Goodman, The Gambler

I've reached the point where I can't stop as much as I try. "She has crossed into the danger zone where the dancer becomes the dance." Most of my moves are improvised. I try to channel the year, the spirit of the song. However most of the years and spirits I know of are from the 60s to the 90s and not much if anything beyond that. The twist and floss of the 60s. The eight track tapes, loud bell bottom pants and the pubes up to here, even with the women? Especially with the women disco Saturday Night Fever Keep on Truckin' moves of the 70s. The improvised collegiate University twist of the early 80s. And the sophisticated raves moves of the 90s. And every song is somewhat different. I have to channel the specific cultural energy of the song into the dance. 

Panic attacks are made worse when one decides to vicariously take on the problems of others and assume the worst. More of the same. Last year, when it was announced on the News that politician after politician and sometimes even heads of state got coronavirus, on the day of the initial diagnosis and a few days after, I thought they probably might not not survive. As it turns out, all of them, one after another survived.

Douglas George Bloch is 72 years old and is about to undergo hip replacement surgery. I have a fear fear fear on a scale of one to ten, a ten, when it comes to fears of surgery. I worry about Douglas Bloch. How is such surgery even possible? Someone wrote to Douglas Bloch on his podcast saying that he was 84 and went through back surgery, a more complex procedure and survived. I think all things are miracles. Someone spray painted 'No Old Growth' on a Queen Victoria wall mural in this town in blue spray paint. Of course my naive delusional mind thought that it was going to be there forever. Yesterday, I saw that the graffiti was completely removed and without affecting the painting! What a miracle! 

I fear for Mr Bloch. In my mind, all surgery is painful, scary as shit and how is it even survivable?! I hope it turns out all right for him. I have a mythological fear of the medical industry which is based on naivety, imagination, and negative delusional bullshit, what else is new?

I have to get it into my head that I don't have to work any more. Sometimes, when you do something menial and wretched for a long time, quitting, immediately brings feelings of strangeness and guilt rather than feeling good and liberated. Am I evil for having abandoned the task? Am I neglecting the person? No because she has 3 nurses visit her every day, all 7 days a week. Would I be thought of as crazy for abandoning it? No, abandoning hopeless tasks is normal. I told her that I would be taking her somewhere next week but seeing her room again would bring trauma and memories of work work work. 

Me helping the currently handicapped lady for years has a final ultimate point. The helping her for years created a familiarity which wouldn't have otherwise happened. This led to a strange chain of events that on Friday, June 24 2021, it was so hot and I saw that she didn't have a fan and was sweating and this wasn't even the record killer heat wave day of Monday three days later. On that Friday, for some reason, following some strange protective impulse, I went to London Drugs walking there with a severely blistered toe and got her a nice $80 fan with metallic blades. 

The News said, "Many who died in the heat wave didn't get that crucial knock on the door when it was needed." I made that knock and gave her the fan! That probably saved her life. I went back two days later on Sunday wanting to get another fan for myself for the record shattering  heat wave day then slated for Monday and they were all sold out! Had I delayed on Friday, I wouldn't have been able to get her the fan! Total retard of course. She never even offered to even partially reimburse me for the fan. I do that for her and get absolutely nothing in return. Whoop!  No honor, only retardation. However, this thing I did I realized could be legend and I will get good karma for this long after the pandemic is over. What goes around comes around. Well, these two weeks since I got her the fan, not only have I been deprived from work as the landlord told me I don't really have to work for her as the nurses that visit work for her, I also had two weeks of every day beauty beauty beauty of the spectacular natural surroundings. 

So that's the good karma I'm talking about.

To some level, I considered her my girlfriend even though the relationship was mostly platonic. So I should not feel that I would have to charge her or expect her to partially reimburse me for the fan. It's a gift. The reimbursement amount involved would have been $40 which is never ever an amount to be stressed out about. However if someone did that for me, I would immediately insist on paying them fully for the fan and offer a $20 stipend for doing that lifesaver move for me. But that's just me.

With her, it was always like walking down the street, coasting along normally and then all of a sudden some crazy shit weird retarded surprise, yet another blast of retardation, and what were the chances of that?

Anyways, without that crazy years long chain of events who knows what would have happened to her without an electric fan? She might have died of heatstroke or else be severely hospitalized. I might have saved her life. And what do I get in return? Nothing. Goddamned rip-off forces of life. I've talked about that, you know that. Generate one kind of energy only to get another and worse kind of energy in return. And all the time too. And I'm supposed to still believe in God?!

"I want to know where my confidence went

One day it all disappeared..."

Blue Rodeo

My future is fucked:

Studying in my room 23 and a half hours a day or more is crazy and scary. Going on walks all the time is crazy and scary.

Getting no jobs even volunteer is scary. Getting a job even volunteer is scary.

Never traveling again is crazy and scary. Traveling again is crazy and scary. 

Not going to Church ever again is scary. Going to Church again is scary. 

Well, most things, tasks, in life are so ple and doable. Travel, work, walks, the potential for a few edgy moments and misunderstandings is there but it will mostly if not all be all right. Do anything. 

I want to get a job even volunteer at The Royal BC Museum. 

God, please help me with my future. 

If you've emerged from a global pandemic while every day  helping someone who is crippled and in a hopeless situation and you don't have fears of the future, medical burnout, and a mild case of PTSD, you haven't been doing it right. 

Things can get very fucked up if you play the game of 'If I avoid this place, this person for a day,  a week, a month, a year, I get 1,000 points but if I see them again, I lose 3,000 points because I've regressed, relapsed.' 

Stop playing the game! See them, don't see them, go there, don't go there, who cares?!

The weed they sell these days is strong. I haven't felt 'the fear' like this since either my early days of smoking or when I haven't smoked for a week and I light up again. Panama Red, Acupulco Gold or what? The paranoia factor, strangely, is what people pay money for and is a sign of really good weed. 

The strain is so strong, they might as well call it 'Futureless'. It's so strong and will get you so paranoid that when you smoke it, you'd swear that you have no future. Fucking lobotomized.

You feel it right in the gut and in the head too. 

With weed, a person starts off feeling bad but it soon leads to feeling good. 

With coke, one starts off feeling good but then it leads to feeling really awful. Remember that scene in the movie Rounders when Matt Damon and Edward Norton were beaten up in the Police station? On an emotional level, coming down off coke feels like that every time.

The movie The Men Who Stare At Goats said that a person he one destiny in life. To do the thing they do best. If they attempt to do anything else, they will fail. PCAD didn't work for me. A volunteer job or a job at a restaurant probably wouldn't do it in the long run although it would help in saving for England. Airfare is approx $1,200 CDN return from either Victoria or Vancouver airport, price difference $50 might as well fly out of Victoria. $200 x 6 months ought to do it for the airfare. But lodging is tricky because London is absolutely guaranteed to be expensive, not merely pricey. I don't know if I could afford it. Maybe I could be like Orwell and sleep amongst the tramps at Piccadilly Circus or Trafalgar Square. I really doubt it's like that! It's high tech with surveillance and facial recognition cameras. And loitering and vagrancy laws.

I should maybe ask Catholic charities about a place to stay. Or else another Church. 

Anyways, my job, my destiny to be the best animated cartoonist that I can be. Do it for the Nation. That's my future. 

Signs along the way point to one's destiny.

When going on walks or to a museum, I don't stare at people as people don't like to be stared at in any town. Sometimes I give women a quick second look especially if one smiles at me which does happen. I guess I like women. 

Otherwise it's like as if I'm a tourist or expat in an exotic town. People around me are none of my business. 

Sometimes I get GQ and take a look or note of clothing. However so many clothes, how can one remember them all? It's silly. Again I wouldn't look for more than a few seconds. 

Some things here there and everywhere are offsetting. Sometimes from some weird intrusive thought reason have another quick look. Better not to. A priority? No.  Who cares? So many things who can remember them all? 

I wish everyone I see around me on walks good health. May they be free from worry. I like to think that the vast majority of them are more together than I am in some way. 

I'm thinking of eventually getting a job as a dishwasher. That way, I can save money faster to travel. I've been thinking of traveling to England. Of course quitting can be more difficult than getting the job as one can be guilt tripped. Nonsense. The food service industry is very used to high turnover in personnel. 

A dishwasher job gives one a social life they wouldn't get if they were unemployed. 

I want to work at a Vietnamese Pho restaurant as a dishwasher. 

After doing ten pull ups quickly after not having done them for over a year, I pulled a left pectoral muscle. Muscle pulls and tears are the most common injury in weightlifting. It's not a heart attack as something like that would register from a 4 to 7 or 10 in extreme cases. The extreme cases are relatively short and death is swift and certain so not much time to ruminate and panic attack.  Muscle tears take the good part of a week to heal. 

Ernie Kovacs skit.

The 50s can be a time to do it a bit different than how I did it in my 40s. I might visit a jazz club. All the music is good. Talented musically on quite a few levels above me! I'm not that talented at music if at all. If I was talented, I could do disco funk songs. 

Until Sept 7, all performers on stage might be wearing masks. That's very much like an Ernie Kovacs skit.

Before being old was kind of psychedelic and funky to me. Now it's kind of scary. I remember the 70s?! That's fucked up. 

Age is like heights, one can either be dazzled with the beauty of the view of the height of else one can all of a sudden get vertigo and get scared. 

In my 40s, each birthday was getting older and getting older was merely depressing. Now it's scary. What's going to happen. Old age is usually associated with some kind of deterioration. 

Old age is like a long stem rose. The older one is, the longer the stem, the more elegant the rose. 

It takes as long to recover from medical burnout as it does from a tobacco habit. Daily routines. Tobacco isn't just a chemical. It's also a set of actions that one sees and gets used to and it gets wired to the subconscious to the point where every day, the subconscious expects it. 

The mind reasons, this set of actions got me this far, how would I do without it? The set of actions is associated with safety, even if for some the action is heavy substance use,

It takes about a month or two to fully recover from medical burnout. 

Even if one got involved with something for years, strangely it still only takes about two weeks to two months to fully recover. Get away from the site of whatever is causing the burnout. 

Wednesday July 14, 2021.

Lightning strikes golf ball in viral video. That's a War of the Worlds moment! 

I remembered something I once said. Money will only take you so far. Crazy will get you all the way. 

It's better to have a little money and lots of crazy than lots of money and only a little bit of crazy.

Crazy in a way that still obeys the law and is not harmful to self or others of course. 

I often think that if I don't ever score with a certain lady that my future is doomed. My heart would be completely and utterly and devastatingly broken. She drives a nice car. Someone who can't score with a lady with a nice car is a loser. However that's just an abstract concept. 

A more real concept is that I never or else very rarely masturbate thinking about her. I've met other women who every time I talked to her, I was doing that within five minutes of returning to my apartment. When one door closes, another opens. That I feel that way about her, that I have that ability to feel that way about any woman is a subjective thing and I'm sure I'll meet another lady who makes me feel that way. 

I might be doomed to be single for life. That's something that I will have to accept. 

So what? There's millions of single people in the World. If I travel anywhere, it will have to be alone. 

If I'm single for life, then God has forsaken me. Yeah, me and millions of others. 

I see couples. That's where they are on Maslow's pyramid of needs. Where I am on the pyramid of needs is, any day I'm not in the ICU is a good day. And also, will I still even be around in a year or two and beyond and where in the world would I be then? 

Wednesday July 14, 2021. I went to that Starbucks location. There were two Police Officers there having a coffee. Turns out there was no statue at all. It was a park bench near a palm tree. I thought I saw a statue for some reason. 

Update: I really don't know the layout of the area. Looking again, there is a statue, but two small statues of two otters. This statue is visible from some vantage points and not others. 

Don't worry about it. Minor meaningless detail. 

On xhamster, there are flesh composited animated cartoons that appear as suggestions. With titles like 'The Sims Granny 2' and 'Mother Rosie. The videos were quite offsetting. What's more offsetting is that I succumbed to them a few times over the course of two days after an energy drink binge that lasted for days. I thought it would help relieve me of the symptoms of my burnout. It made it worse. Pretty much the low point of my year even with a global pandemic! This doesn't help with medical burnout and a mild case of pandemic lockdown related PTSD. No wonder I don't think I have a future!

The videos covered the topic of granny love, incest and other things too upsetting for me to discuss here. 

I glossed over and looked away from the disturbing parts. Essentially, the story in this weird animation is a guy reunites with his mother at a restaurant and French kisses her.

He then afterwards gets it on with her. This video is the story of a guy who is not only a motherfucker but is also bisexual. That was the parts I skipped over. Not my cup of tea. 

So therefore the guy might give his own mother AIDS. Very disturbing even for xhamster which like all porn sites, usually has all kinds of videos ranging from vanilla to disturbing. 

Todd Grande, a psychologist on YouTube was the one who told me that John McAfee died. I thought it was going to be just another video about John McAfee until he said that McAfee died. He also went on to say that John McAfee made a video of himself surrounded with women that was disturbing, odd, poorly put together, bizarre and creepy. 

That's what I think is the xhamster videos.

I wouldn't want to look at those videos ever again. That was a new low.

I looked at a few Family Guy videos because of Lois. Again, spurious, disturbing, and certainly not a priority. I don't know and I don't want to know. 

To say that the videos are perverse would be the understatement of the year. 

I wonder if I'll still be around in a year. 

Saturday, July 17, 2021.  I saw Dr Bonnie Henry today. She looks more beautiful in person than on television. 

As soon as I saw her, I blurted out, "Dr Bonnie Henry! I saw you on television. Good to see you!" She then said something very delightful, she said, "Good to see you too!" And she was laughing with her assistant. Wow! That should lift me out of burnout. Seeing the Chief Doctor of the Province say "Good to see you too!" technically, would lift anyone out of burnout. I'm feeling better and better. One day soon, I'll be back to my precious self. 

In prolonged times of stress and overwork, that it's overwork here and not there is incidental, the prefrontal cortex gets exhausted and the amygdala takes over. During recovery from burnout, the amygdala gets tired and the prefrontal cortex takes over again. 

Burnout is long term mental exhaustion. 

There are two types of exhaustion; physical and mental.

Burnout for me actually started months ago however I kept on working through it. Not good. It's not anything anyone plans for in advance. The first signs are griping, getting angry all the time and not liking the person or persons in the situation. 

AbrahamThePharmacist on YouTube said, "Burnout is what happens when you attempt to not be human for too long."

Like the frog in the slowly boiling water, one doesn't realize until it's too late that they are in burnout. Extreme gripping fear of all things and lack of confidence. Overwork. And in a depressing situation. That will do it. Usually it takes weeks or sometimes years to get over. I hope I recover soon. I hope this doesn't last for years. Over the last few days I'm slowly getting better not worse since I stopped doing that work. 

Burnout is always t first misattributed to some other cause while thinking, "Burnout only happens to those people you hear about on the News. I'm tough. Burnout can't happen to me." Then one modeling younwake up facing a wall of abject terror. All visions and hopes of the future has evaporated. Life itself is shrouded in total fear. Shivers, tremors. At that point, the amygdala has taken over and has hijacked the prefrontal cortex. 

Deckard: "Shakes? Me too. I get em bad."

The amygdala is a much older limbic reptilian R-complex part of the body and has an IQ of about 45. The prefrontal cortex is newer mammalian part of the body and has an IQ of 115 and upwards. The amygdala, when it's on and going at full blast is more powerful than the prefrontal cortex. David Icke talked about mammals and reptiles or dragons. The prefrontal cortex is part of the mammal brain. The amygdala is part of the dragon brain.

Whenever there is a dishonour of indignity to the body or mind, the older wiser dragon part of a person is saying, "Hey!!!! There is an indignity or dishonour that demands your immediate attention! Address the situation and demonstrate yourself worthy of the Dragon Seal that resides within you!"

People undergoing burnout report having flat dreams while normally dreams are rich and vivid. Perhaps during times of burnout and PTSD, one dreams with the amygdala while in normal times, one dreams with the prefrontal cortex. 

Maybe I'm not doing as badly as I think. I still dance and do animated cartoons. I don't know about you, but everytime I think of someone experiencing burnout, I'm thinking of someone who's dancing and doing animated cartoons. 

And I'm knocking out a few jokes every day. Most depressed people couldn't do that.

I'm feeling better. Seriously, time away from work has a miraculous healing effect for burnout. It's less than two weeks and already I'm feeling the difference. Last days worked: July 1, one day somewhere in between that, I don't remember, and July 7. Length of time: 5 minutes each time. I shouldn't have gone in for the July 7th one. 

Not totally it of the woods yet. 85% recovered. But the anxieties and the grinding adrenaline rushes are winding down.

Life is good even if you're not rich as long as you're not working some depressing job 7 days a week for months on end. One can experience the beautiful energy of the nostalgia of the seasons. All 4 seasons have their magic and beauty. 

Not feeling the intense gripping visceral fear anymore. Just an overall weariness and sadness, and along with that comes the slightest fear.

This is a classic standard textbook case of burnout which can come in any profession however it is in the medical profession where it is most pronounced and obvious. 

I had to work for one to two hours a day for nine months for one patient. Most typical  cases of medical burnout involve being on the ward for up to 12 hours a day. Hundreds of patients. At least half of the patients, despite strenuous efforts of Olympian proportions,  wind up dying. "It's been in my life for so long that I don't know anything else." Ellen Ripley, Alien

Those working 12 hour days, 7 days a week, hundreds of patients etc reach my level of burnout in three months or less whereas it took me 9 months.

 

A sense of helplessness, futility, hopelessness and due to all the fear cast on to the patients, that fear finally achieves transference to self. One takes on the patient's energy through some strange osmosis and one imagines, "What if I wind up like that?" while some other part of my brain distantly knows that some people in life will have worse days than I will ever have physically and medically yet they at all times seem to be a lot more chipper than I sometimes am.

A great movie about burnout is The Lighthouse starring Robert Pattinson and Willem Dafoe. 

The future is dependant on and created with the micro choices one makes in the present moment.

When I dance, I listen to music from Black people, all geniuses, however I don't want to imitate the Black people's style which is impossible to do unless you're Black. My intention is to do it my way. When I dance to Ray Parker Jr songs, I try to visualize 1982, UBC, dark green painted interior walls, Bill Murray, the silhouette of trees near the beach at sunset. And I try to project that kind of nostalgic energy forth. It helps me to recover from my burnout. The spirit is very powerful and can influence the body to be even more healthy. To most other disco songs, I visualize light purple backlights walls at a discotheque. My dancing is all improvisation. A female security guard complemented me on my dancing. I told her that I wonder if it's crazy. She said, no, it's good, keep going. 

That's encouraging. My aim in life is to be as normal as possible, and not to be crazy. 

'Its OK to not be OK.'

Whether mammal or lizard, the male functions in the same way. What is the male mammal doing differently than the male lizard? The distinction of mammal or lizard lies with the female. Lizards are oviparian laying eggs externally while mammals gestate internally. And of course the grease that can produce milk.

Males whether lizard or mammal produce testosterone. Females whether mammal or lizard produce estrogen, however only female mammals produce progesterone or the nurturing chemical. 

Even the set up is weird, even scary. Males have nipples as the genes that produce testosterone don't kick in until 9 weeks into gestation. 

Why fear something's that's abstract and has been something going on for millions of years?

With mammals the male has the XY chromosome while the female has the XX chromosome. Result, the father's chromosomes determines the gender of the child. 

With reptiles and birds, the male has the ZZ chromosome, the female has the ZW chromosome. With reptiles and birds, the mother's chromosomes determine the gender of the offspring. Reptiles, males ZZ chromosome. ZZ Top. 

"Evolution is a steamroller that cares very little for individuals. You are a genetic mutation that didn't work. You're a failed experiment." The Fault In Our Stars

This statement made me weep a little. People with medical problems are not failed experiments. They are angels.

"The fault, dear Brutus is not in the stars but in ourselves that we are underlings." Julius Caesar, William Shakespeare

There is active stress which happens when there is an ongoing challenge that constantly needs to be tackled.

There is passive stress which residual carryover stress from a previous stressful challenge or else stress which occurs even though there is no imminent major problem. 

Sunday, July 18, 2021. 

My right knee tendon is aching a little. It comes and goes. I can't go on long walks all 7 days of the week. That's a lot of wear and tear to the body resulting in minor issues which could become major if exacerbated. Even athletes don't train 7 days a week as rest is required. 

Church is a way for me to see that society is one step closer to normal. Masks are required in Church but at least I could meet some other people and see that I'm not as bad off as I think I am. I am as normal as others.

I am good person. I am normal. And I try to behave with honor. 

Also on Sunday. I went to the Chinese Church. Alas. Closed due to the pandemic. The demographic is mostly old people. Don't want them to get covid! 

I'll try after September 7.

"Don't let depression kill you. The Church can help!" Douglas Bloch, joke of the day

Recovery from burnout is in stages:

Stage 1: Fear. Lasts for minutes to hours. Wake up in fear. Fear all day. 

Every minute, every hour is a struggle because every hour is closer to the hours I used to work every day. 

Stage 2: Calm. Calm, calmer and calmer and calmer. 

Minutes and hours are no longer I struggle. I've needed to have have physically seen days that I haven't worked at all whereas before, I haven't seen any for a long time. 

Stage 3: Happy. Full recovery. Endorphins, serotonins even some dopamine, all the natural normal feel good chemicals start going again. Total relaxation. No fear. Maybe some fear but the usual prudent caution that I am used to. 

Before a day seemed like a week. Now a week seems like a day. Weeks, months go fast one after another in carefree leisure, all memories of work totally irrelevant.

What scares me the most is memories of the work. 

It started at near the end of September 2020. It was supposed to only be two weeks. Ha! I finally quit at the end of June, early July. That's every day, 7 days a week just about for 9 months. Resulting in burnout.

First it was wheelchair pushing to stores. Then do the laundry once a week. Then bath every two days so it was either today or tomorrow that's bath day. Take out the garbage, make the bed twice a day. When making the bed, I would even miter the corners like I learned at PCAD school.  Clean the floor every few days. Clean cutlery and pots. This is the one person in the World where I take the garbage out for her once and I'm doing it every day for years. I don't know why. I feel taken advantage of. But there are worse ways to spend a few years. In the movie The Matrix, it said Neo takes out the garbage for the landlady.

Then in March or April, someone came in and did the laundry regularly. In May, someone came to do the wheelchair pushing. So I didn't do it as much then. Just sometimes wheelchair pushing. And bath every two days.

The bath is a story in itself. Each time she'd make me wait for her to smoke a cigarette before the bath. I told her to smoke one ten minutes before two which was when was bath time so I wouldn't have to wait. Regards never listens. Then I set up the bath. Bathe her while she sits there, whoop, all regarded. No witty repartee. Then I would clean up afterwards.

Then it was just make the bed twice a day, clean the floor once every few days, take out the garbage at least once a day, clean cutlery and cooking pot every day.

The one that killed me the most was every single night, 7 days a week, put on the left leg knee brace. There are many reasons she couldn't do it and none of them are good. Retardation, laziness, feebleness. I don't mind clearing up for inability but not for retardation, laziness and feebleness.

And often issues, emergencies would emerge and I would have to think  on my feet, bailing her out, again and again. Problem solving. 

Each month would be spoken for in advance. The whole month. She finally said maybe 4 more months. I've heard that before. First it was two weeks. Then it was two months. Then on New year's it was two more months. End of February, two more months. End of June, 4 more months. Maybe more than 4 more months, I thought. That's when I reached the burnout wall. It's like hitting a wall. It's there. It's real. 4 more months?! Fuck that! How about no more months? Ever! 

It hurts me, scares me and causes me great pain to have written that. 

I stopped work for a few weeks now for the most part. A couple days of minor work. I'm scared now and will be for a while. 

And I was labouring under the illusion of delusion that if I stopped working, she would be dead in less than two months, possibly one month. How delusional! Probably not!

Now this is an abstract fear that only I'm afraid of and not a Universal fear like asteroid impact or military invasion. I shouldn't be afraid of abstract things like how the continents will come together and split apart again etc. That's millions of years away and irrelevant to my life. No one else worries about it. 

Her condition has improved quite somewhat since I worked for her. At first she needed an extended loop that the foot went into to get her leg onto the bed. Now she can go to places on her own using a walker.

Every thought I think is like gospel truth. Wrong! Most thoughts I think are bullshit. 

As a species, there is much we don't know about the Universe, even University professors, yet we keep on chugging along. 

I am determined to live and to be worthy of God's grace. 

I have plans to travel and some people told me that the would help me with getting a passport. I'd like to travel to England. You might think that traveling anywhere is scary. Sure, some places are but usually most places are friendly and once you get there, the fears evaporate. Every fear I had about this last month were untrue. This last month was a rock show whereas months before were a shit show. Thank God for that.  

The effects of burnout or else mental exhaustion are real. However the fears that come with it are mostly not. Thats working with two different things. 

Burnouts distort ones perception. 

The CNS central nervous system has been fucked with and as a result, now it's fucked. 

I'll be back to normal in less than a few weeks. 

I want to stop writing. I don't want to write about this so much.

The end of the month is an edgy scary time. It used to be that it meant nothing but the addition of yet another month of work. It's funny I would even think that. Why would I be working next month or any other month? 

I smoke weed and it brings a fear that goes right through the roof. It could be that I am still somewhat suffering the effects of burnout as well I am smoking less often overall.

The fear effects wear off after ten minutes. The weed is a lot stronger these days.  

Another abstract fear point is the Breakfast Coffee Place. There's a lady there who has me in the friend zone. I don't want to be in the friend zone with her, that is, always being pushed away, but I'm not sure what a relationship with her would look like. It's not a priority. I feel it's a fuck up if I go there but also a fuck up if I don't as I would Baader Meinhof and see signs about her everywhere. But that's delusional.

Be really careful about playing this silly but dangerous game. There are no signs. 

It's as if she sent out the signs because she wants me to go there again, but in reality, she doesn't care if I go or not. 

For eg if her name is Sue, then signs would include Le Soo hair, SUperman, Sueskind, etc etc etc And BMW, whenever I see a 2 door BMW, that's supposed to be a sign? Too many BMWs for that. This kind of attention to detail and imagination is something that I otherwise use for creating cartoons. 

Her BMW auto activates my HPA axis.

But other than that, it's rude and dishonorable to someone to think privately such thoughts about their name. As well as delusional. 

Get a life!

All these signs would be made irrelevant in a second if or when I move to another town. 

Sometimes, one's delusions can get oneself into a burnout situation. I've known her for years. Years of trying to nurture a hopeless impossible situation is a sure recipe for burnout. It'd be better for me not to go. I'm not legally required to go there. If the Police see me not going there anymore, it's not like they'd talk to me about it. So I don't have to go. Signs are delusions. They are not signs! They are delusions! To see something and think its a sign about someone is not an honorable way to think of someone. Sometimes, one just has to give up on a situation or a person. I just don't know what to think. I'll stick with what I know. I'm very afraid that I won't be able to quit going to the place. 

In spite of my abstract fears, I hope that someone has my back. 

Many articles on the internet said that my town, Victoria BC is the most doomed town in Canada when it comes to earthquakes. It sits directly stop a fault line. It is at a worse spot seismically than Vancouver. I thought of moving to Dawson Creek, but in the last ten years, that town has had a major flood and a forest fire nearly as bad as Lytton. Bangkok, another town in once lived in had a flood in the last decade or so. There are no guarantees anywhere. You pays your money and takes your chances. Is Victoria BC doomed? No wonder I fear the future. I'm thinking of moving in the next few years. I would really miss Dallas road beach and Ogden Point which is better than Vancouver and UBC like Temple of Doom is better than Raiders. From Ogden Point, Dallas Road beach looks like a smaller version of UBC, the Point Grey Marine Drive cliff bluffs. Spectacular. 

I don't know if I could ever leave this town because of this. I know I would always miss it. 

If I travel to Vancouver, I need to find a cheap hotel to stay overnight that doesn't require a credit card.

I'm planning to see Roadrunner, which is the Anthony Bourdain movie. It's like seeing the Titanic movie, you know how it ends and it's bad. I've decided not to see the movie because since Anthony Bourdain committed suicide, it would be really depressing. 

The only other movies of slightest interest to me would be The Hitman's Wife's Bodyguard, Black Widow and A Quiet Place II. 

My friend told me that I will make it through to next year and beyond! 

Wednesday July 21, 2021. Saw the afternoon showing of Roadrunner. The documentary talked about Anthony Bourdain's journey on his rise to stardom, it also talked about his wives and family. The show did talk about his lifelong inner struggles with drug addiction, heroin, burnout and his troubling relationship with his last girlfriend. I wonder if Anthony Bourdain suffered from burnout misattibuted to generalized depression or worse, Alzheimer's or dementia. A self misdiagnosis like that could lead to suicide. He keeps on working, making his burnout worse. Even seeing someone who constantly makes him feel strongly depressed, frightened, angry again and again and he fears relapse or inability to escape could do it too. A person ought to know the difference between burnout and Alzheimer's or dementia. I mean, really. 

Time away from work is the only 100% sure cure for burnout. Live the most leisurely life you can for as long as you can. I did that. I no longer feel the rocks in my head and stomach fibrillations level of fear that I did all last week. Mental exhaustion from burnout usually registers as extreme fear.

It was a good movie. Not one boring moment. Too had he did himself in. 

Never do yourself in. Stay in the side of good. The side of light. The side of Jesus. Live as much as you can. Travel if necessary. 

 

To fight the effects of burnout, seeing movies helps me to get back into the flow of a leisurely life. It helps me to reconnect with civilization after the pandemic.

I hope I'm around in a year but at this point, I think I might collapse and die from shock or paranoia. 

Every day is a repeat but it's the best repeat possible. I walk along the beach sometimes twice a day. It's either that or stay in my room for 23 and a half hours a day which is madness. Maybe not. A lot of people in my hotel seem to live that lifestyle. Some people probably stay in their room for days on end but I never did that ever. 

I imagine the beach trail to be like a Harry Potter Christmas village or a Smurfs village and if I walk there often enough, I'll recognize some people and they'll recognize me and I might meet some friends who I will like in spite of myself. People who I will tell comfortable with and trust. I'm thinking that this will take at least three years.

I might walk to the beach with one of my friends at this hotel. Or else a friend from church. 

I see a lot of beautiful women every day on the beach. I'm not on the make and I wouldn't try to pick any of them up. A beautiful woman. Why would I think she's single? 

I see at least ten beautiful women a day on the beach, usually more. In ten days, that'd be a hundred women. Too many women to even think of trying to pick up. Often, I haven't scored with ladies I've known for years. Why would I score quickly on the beach? 

Although, serendipitous magic has happened for me. "Met her on Monday, went out for drinks on Wednesday, we were making love by Friday..." Been there, done that. Although that doesn't happen for me often. Romance is a slippery slope that can lead to being on the hook for child support for at least 18 years. 

The mucosa issue in my nose is still there. Hard snot. I half think that I'll be dead in less than a year as a direct result of that. I'm trying to get a referral to see an ENT doctor. I hope it's nothing serious. I'm thinking of using Aquaphor cream.  If I die because of my nose, well what can I do about it? This is probably a delusion. 

I've written a letter to an ENT doctor. I found out about this doctor in a Google search. Amongst the reviews, one said, "This dude explained to me a problem I have had for ten years." Or words to that effect. I want to know what's been going on with me for years. I'm scared of what he might say. 

"As an old man, I have had a great many troubles, most of which have never happened."

Mark Twain

"We suffer more in imagination than in reality." Seneca

"What a liberation to realize that the “voice in my head” is not who I am. Who am I then? The one who sees that." Eckhart Tolle

I am feeling a lot better. Getting better all the time. 

If I travel to England, I will need to find a cheap hotel that doesn't require credit cards. 

I should try to save around $3,000 or more for a five day stay. $1,200 for airfare, $1,800 for five day stay. I won't pay more than $100 per night at a hotel. The rest, I'd go to a few restaurants, get a few souvenirs and visit some museums. I don't go to nightclubs although I'm a dancer. I like dancing in the light, not in a dim room. I like being sober and being around sober people. People at nightclubs are usually drunk to some degree. 

Picking up women. It's difficult enough to score with women I've known for years. I've been single for so long I'm used to it. It's the only life I know. Relationships mean committment issues. Etc. 

I might be single for life. Yeah, me and millions of others. 

The News takes viewers on a complete ride. First, into the valley of panic attack with some edgy stories. Then out of the valley with some feel good and happy stories meant to cheer and lift up whoever is watching. Often the commercials can lift and reassure. 

Friday, July 23, 2021. A doctor would look for certain signs in the patients that would indicate recovery. I am over my burnout. One of the signs of burnout is insomnia. Recently I've slept longer and better than I have in a while. Any nervousness is just garden variety generalized anxiety and irrational fears of relapsing to work and not burnout. 

I didn't go to the jazz club. I don't usually listen to jazz. I did at one time. 

I have a habit I'm trying to stop. I always pick up marijuana roaches off the ground. I can spot them. I can't be into marijuana that much! That's like picking up half drunk cans of beer and then drinking that for an alcoholic. At one time in my life, I was a smoker but weed wasn't as much available during those times and a roach looked really good. But these are times of plenty for weed. I really want to stop doing this.

When walking on the street, don't always look down on the ground all the time, remember to look at the trees, the buildings, the scenery otherwise I will have a fucked up future as the future is made with microchoices in the present.

I am successful in stopping picking up cigarette butts. My future is fucked up enough without me doing that. Keep doing that and I will have a fucked up future! 

I also stopped smoking to the point of headrush in the morning with cigarettes. Carbon monoxide binds to the blood cells 200x as much as oxygen. Anyways, my future is already fucked up enough, I think. One creates ones future with the micro choices made in the present moment. 

I'm 51. In less than 14 years, it's compulsory retirement which means I can't work at a dishwashing job to save money for travelling or for else extra disposable income. 51 and on welfare, poverty is a future less trap. I fear being stuck in this hotel, heck, in this hotel room for the next 20 years. And not get married or even find love in all that time. At 70, I think I'm going to die. As a child, I always thought I'd die at 70. Like with pets, they all love around a certain time. Something happens to their inner organs and then one day, they die. I don't know if I'll live beyond 70. That's why I think my future is fucked. However I will go on living. Do it the decent honest honorable way. Live and never give up. One can always move somewhere else. 

I might live past 80, but past 90 would be pushing it, I think. Who knows the future?

With tobacco, nowadays I have no more than two, three tops draws on a cigarette. Then I put it out. I'm thinking of quitting tobacco in the next few weeks. 

I've thought of moving to London. However it is a very large sprawling city. In my town, in a one hour walk, one can pass multiple museums and even a scenic beach vista. 

If I ever get money, I'd move into a motel near the beach. There's at least one. I don't really need to as the beach is just a twenty five minute walk away. 

This blog never gets any comments. The view count is low. Maybe because there are millions of blogs. I never ever have left even one comment on another blog and don't read any other blogs. What goes around comes around even if it's nothing. 

My YouTube videos have a low view count. Not really. YouTube videos are often downloaded and then exported to other players like pot player as YouTube videos are blurry in the first few seconds and the pot player isn't. YouTube video views are often back dated. In one month, I always have less views than I would think. In one year I often have way more views than I would think. 

"The future is here. It's just that it's not widely distributed." T-shirt

Disturbingly, on the Dallas Rd beach sidewalk, someone graffiti'd some awful graffiti. There were images of at least one penis and the words 'I hate lgbtq' and another lgbtq' was written and then scratched over, all of this in red paint. This makes me angry. I think anyone would be welcome at the beach, whatever they're into or not into. That beach area is very beautiful and some egregious pernicious asshole had to do that. I hope the police or whatever neighborhood watch gets who did it. Someone did something, find out who did it. How long have the Police been playing that game? About 200 years in this iteration starting with Robert Peel in the 1840s with the black uniforms with the brass coat-buttons. And there is also secret hidden classified CSIS technology which isn't even allowed to be used as evidence in court. I wouldn't give anyone much of a chance at getting away with anything criminal and serious.

A couple of hours later I went back to the beach to walk again. Graffiti all gone. Cleaned off and well. Not a trace of it. 

Me. Saturday, July 24, 2021

I have a suntan.

Life seems to have lost its magic for me. After a year of being our of it due to a pandemic, I wonder if I can function in society again. 

Before eating, it's always getting past a slight layer of fear. Or is it excitement? Excitement is often mistaken for one fear. 

Anhedonia. Even when I masturbate these days, it is always getting past a layer of fear. I haven't done it for awhile. Can I do it confidently again? What if I do it well? Would it lead to another kind of intensity, that is being on the hook for child support and also leading to parental burnout which is a very real thing. I would rather never have children at all than to have parental burnout. 

Why start a family? There are already 7.7 billion people on the planet. Does the world need more? To bring someone into this World is to paint someone into a corner that one day, they are doomed to old age and/or death at any age. What a grim set up.

And with global warming going the way it is, there will be no habitable world left for anybody's grandchildren.

Having children isn't as much about DNA as it is about ego. Ego, if that, as it is usually just involves the mindless animalistic sentimentalities of the id. There certainly isn't any superego involved. Anyone who has children is probably someone who hasn't thought things through. World population, global warming, the ever increasingly fucked up real estate marketplace. 

I suspect that I will be single for life. Either way you lose, either way you win.

God may be protecting me. Angels may be protecting me. I see signs all the time. But why should I be so lucky and protected while others have seemingly a worse future than I do? My conclusion is that God is so powerful than he can protect everyone. I will strive to be worthy of God's protection. 

Others who have a seemingly worse future than me are also more chipper and less worried than me. Baffling. 

One day when I get my confidence and happiness back, I'll tell you. Low key anxious at all times. 

I am watching a lot of walking around in London videos on YouTube. Since I am walking a lot these days, the videos resonate with me more than if I was staying in my room for 23 and a half hours a at and I've been doing that for awhile. Maybe years. I see a lot of beautiful women walk past me on walks. I wouldn't be seeing that if I were in my room all the time.

Wish me luck. The 50s and 60s, 70s and beyond can be a very magical and nostalgic time. Not only the seasons in a year, but the seasons in one's life can bring about a nostalgia. 

I don't know if I'll ever travel to London UK. Expensive, scary. I've had some intense dreams about London but would that mean that I have to go there? Where would I stay? 

YouTube comment: 'There are no summers in london.'

In London, one is in the midst of a sprawling city. The beach would be a three hour bus ride away! The beach in this town is better and only a 25 minute walk from where I am staying. 

I have five tablets and a PC. And a 1TB flash drive. Do I bring all of those with me? What would that look like? Or leave a few tablets behind but what if I go there and decide not to come back the first time? I am truly doomed. 

The flash drive I never look at. It's got all my old cartoons done on windows movie maker with still frames, animation cells. I never ever look at it. All my cartoons have been uploaded on YouTube anyways. Not that it makes a difference. My internet career is dead. No comments, no likes, very few views. And no money. But what if I did get the money? What would that look like? How much money? Higher tax bracket money? Too intense. Scary. 

In the end, even if one has had a perfect life, university, good job, rich, married with children, even billionaire, there are the basic lowest common denominator worries of old age and death. 

There are ways to deal with fear of old age and death. There is a methodology. 

If I went to London, it would only be for five days, which is an arbitrary amount of time I've come up with. I would go see Buckingham Palace but what would that accomplish? 

I might move there since I don't know what kind of future I'd have in this town. More of the usual circumscribed fishbowl existence which is all this town and most towns have to offer. 

I think I might wither away and die in less than a year. I have no future any more than most people around me in this lovely town.

One more thing. I was outside of a Church, one I want to go to, today at 11:30. The usher said that today's service is over. I can show up next week at 10:15 or thereabouts and I wouldn't need to register beforehand. I thought I had to wait until Sept 7. See? The future is already better than expected! I saw a deer at a park today. 

'Today is the future that you were worried about yesterday.'

My future is fucked. I can't stay in this room for another ten, twenty years. Moving to another room in this hotel even a smaller room means a $200 rent increase and no smoking. Smoking only permitted outside. And I smoke tobacco. And weed through a pipe. Smoke that outside?!

The landlord said for me, only $20 more, but no smoking or else smoke outside.

Or else move to the downtown Eastside for a smaller room, shoebox, than I have now, pay around $300 a month more and I see all the people downtown in this town and most of them are normal or else middle class. Now think of the same amount of people and more and all of them are hardcore junkies. Otherwise Vancouver has more to see and do, but the distances between them are great, it's a bit of a sprawling city. 

BC Housing. Too many places to research. Waiting list. Difficulty. Uncertainty of moving. Starting over. 

See, I don't have anything to work with. Living in this room indefinitely isn't that bad of an existence. I'm doomed.

What if this is my last room? What if I die in this room? Me and millions of others are in the same position. 

Lots of people have lived in a same room even for decades. 

My room is good. Spacious and has a nice view of downtown. My life is boring but comfortable. I have to be humble and accept whatever future. Que sera sera.

Plantar fasciitis can be managed in the early stages with stretching and rest. 

Another thing. I'm also 'the garbage man' and I don't like it. I often pick up pieces of garbage that might be a slipping hazard, or else broken glass and some things that might be a road hazard to cars, like large pieces of garbage in the middle of or alongside a road. I even question that. In this small town, there is few enough pieces of such garbage. In a large city like Vancouver, it's be a never ending task.

I also get hung up on whatever piece of garbage. I pick it up and pocket it. Sometimes it's something worthwhile like an Edmonton Oilers or a blue Paisley coronavirus mask. I always resolve not to pick up any garbage but on any walk I do. I am trying to stop this otherwise my future will be fucked. How would I walk with women doing this?

Often with the garbage, I pocket it and then when I get home, I throw it away. What. Keep some piece of trash I found in my room for years? 

I am a lost soul. Dear God and Jesus please help me with my life. Please give me a good and meaningful future. Amen.

I'm not going to London. Too difficult. No one else around here seems to want to go. Who put me up to it? Myself. I'd go there, look in a mirror and say to myself, "You really did it this time, didn't you?" Not going. Don't have to go. For what? Personal advancement? That's such an arbitrary and abstract icon of personal advancement. 

Watching YouTube videos of 4K London walks is good enough.

Sunday, July 24, 2021. Getting ready to watch the M Night Shyamalan movie Old. For those who empathize with medical based panic attacks like yours truly, this movie is going to be gutwrenching. Medical based panic attacks through the roof! There will be a plot twist. Hopefully the ending is uplifting. Is it going to be scary?

I saw Old. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. Medical panic attacks but amidst a medically impossible situation in reality. Premise: a weird magic beach makes a person age 2 years every half an hour. Lots of scenes of people dying from this disease condition. No twist ending. Are there any survivors? No spoilers. 

YouTube Comment: "People say that time goes by. Time says that people go by." Vietnamese saying

*Source. YouTube. Sadhguru. 5 stages of dying

Time travel is time experienced on an objective level and not on a subjective level, quantum physics, life is an illusion, everything is happening simultaneously. 

It's an algorithm.

Chinatown, London UK.

Vancouver's Chinatown is betches, that is, fucked. A moribund Chinatown which confirms any decision not to move back to Vancouver is a good one. 

So Vancouver's Chinatown is basically dead. Overrun with graffiti, the store owners get fined for the graffiti, they spray it off and it returns hours later, more graffiti. Now why is that? London UK walking tour, 4K YouTube video, London's Chinatown is pristine and rockin'. Victoria BCs Chinatown is a halcyon of perfection compared to Vancouver's Chinatown. London is able to keep on top of the graffitiists, the riff Raff, the hoi polloi, the lumpin proletariat etc. See, London's Chinatown is well managed. Vancouver's Chinatown is mismanaged. London's Chinatown is miles away from Vancouver's Chinatown now which is a shithole. 

That's despite starting in 1993 having a Chinese politician, airhead politician, who was first a city alderman and then the MLA and who is still representing that neighborhood although now as the MP for that neighborhood. And ever since 1993, that whole neighborhood has been steadily and increasingly turning to shit, compared to similar areas in other cities that whole area registers as a cruel and unusual punishment, difficult, unreasonable, with delinquent hard drug users all hyper and gung-ho, resulting in what Vancouver's Chinatown is today. Which leaves me wondering what Vanouver's Chinatown would look like today without the Chinese MP.

The merchants of Vancouver's Chinatown might do better in a Chinatown of another city, like London. The Chinatown of Toronto, the Chinatown of New York, normal normal normal, happy happy happy. The Chinatown of Vancouver, trouble trouble trouble, problem problem problem. 

Most rather disturbingly, Global News showed that the graffiti marking '187' was also amongst the graffiti. 187 is California penal code for murder.

The merchants of London's Chinatown pay their council tax and are well protected from spray painters, vandals, junkies and otherwise picayune undisciplined delinquents. Vancouver's Chinatown merchants? Not so much.

The future is full of hope and there is still enough left of what was once and could be again, like the once and future king, a gem of Vancouver to salvage. However it would take an industrial effort. 

Vancouver's Chinatown may have just relocated to Richmond, BC.

I love Vancouver's Chinatown. Like Hannibal Lecter said, "I've had many excellent meals there."

There are efforts to make V's C a UNESCO heritage site.

Chinatown, Vancouver. Site of the old Diamond 💎 Palace Chinese restaurant.

Every day is a blank slate of boredom. 

I watch London walking tour videos all the time. 

If I went to London, I wouldn't be legally authorized to work anywhere. Even here, the only jobs I could get are either restaurant dishwasher or janitor. Even then, it's difficult for someone over 50 to get a job. My future is doomed.

London has zero hour contracts meaning the employer is not obligated to provide minimal working hours.

The grass is greener. Lots of people in London are thinking of visiting or moving to Canada as much as I think of visiting or moving to London. The future will reveal itself. 

Worry points: 

50 and over. Getting old. Death in ten years or less?

60 and over. Getting older. Death in ten years or less?

Age 65. No longer legally authorized to work at jobs or else why hire someone over 65 when they can hire someone in their 20s?

Age 70. Oldest. Death in ten years or less?

Age 80. Death is imminent within the next ten years. 

London is an urban sprawl. It's a concrete jungle. If I lived there, I probably wouldn't see the beach even once a year unless I took a two to three hour bus ride each way to a beach outside of town. In this town, beach is less than a half hours walk away. London does have a nostalgic atmosphere that is calming.

There are some aggressive panhandlers asking for money. They wear yellow vests and yellow coronavirus masks and there's this one tall Chinese guy who always asks me for money. He stops me and says, "Excuse me." And I say, "No thank you!"every time. He asked me for money again yesterday on Tuesday, July 27. He saw me and did this really sleazy shuffling predatory pivoting move and then walks towards me and says "Excuse me." I said, "No thank you!" again. That Chinese guy must be like that to a lot of people. What can you say? Bottom feeders. 

I'm thinking of visiting UVIC. It's metaphysics. If I'm not already visiting UVIC which is in my town, how could I think that I could visit UBC in the next town? It's a lot easier to do something if you're already "in the scene". It takes guts. I still feel some residual fear and exhaustion from my burnout. 

Wednesday the 28th. I visited UVIC today. That place definitely has the University vibes! It's a great University. 

Some apps I tried to uninstall only to reinstall them again. I don't want to do that too often as it would be compulsive. The apps are world builders that require daily maintenance -for life! Walking Dead No Man's Land and Smurfs Village. I don't want to be maintaining them for life and I also don't want to uninstall and install again. So the trick is to leave it on there, unplayed for days. Then I could really see on an empirical level that I simply don't use nor need to use them. At this point I can safely uninstall forever without fear of compulsion.

PM Justin Trudeau is going to call an election two years ahead of schedule. It looks like Trudeau wants to get rid of the NDP Leader Jagmeet Singh as an adversary across the aisle of Parliament sooner rather than later. They aren't exactly chums. Devious! It's like sports, if a coach loses three or four games in a row he's fired. If a leader of a political party loses two or three elections in a row for the role of PM, he's gone.

I mean he already did it to Conservative Leader Andrew Scheer.

I have a problem with compulsion when it comes to the once a week places I go to like the Tuesday breakfast coffee place or Church. If I go every week, it's compulsive. Yet for these places I sometimes am unable to stop going once a week however much I resolve not to. 

I should go just once every 3 weeks or else just once a month and no more than that. That's the ideal but would it be the reality? I really wonder about my future.

My life is a treadmill. My life is a trap.

I looked at lots of granny porn. Would this affect my relationships with women my age? 

What one looks at is abstract and doesn't really have anything to do with what one wants in reality. For instance, women use dildos. 

All the porn I look at is fetishes. Of course that metaphysically cuts me off from any normal relationships. Grannies, Stepmom, aunt, college girls instead of women, girlfriend around my age. There is simply no hope for me. 

I've lost all hope in relationships. I think that I'm going to be single for life. I'm not suitable for relationships. I don't ever want to be a father. I don't think I could do it. That's a long term committment.

Wednesday July 28, 2021 

RIP ZZ Top bassist Dusty Hill dies at age 72. He died peacefully in his sleep. I saw ZZ Top in concert in Dawson Creek.

I got the ultra rare red Royal guard tie fighter.