November 2022

Me and young Heather. Pictures taken in 2015.

Me and Heather. Pictures taken on November 11, 2022. 

Beautiful lady. Beautiful Heather. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2022

I went to Canadian Tire at Hillside Mall today to look for mouse repellant spray. It's not there. It was there last time. 

Then I went to the food court and had Chinese food.

I then went to Fairway  Chinese supermarket to get some frozen dim sum.

Debbie Hellion made a video about the video I did for her. 

Debbie Hellion then did a video reiterating that Trudeau will euthanize the mentally ill and those suffering from major depression including children and newborns. She posted a video from Tucker Carlson about this topic. Someone commented on her video, "Tucker Carlson is the king of propaganda This is an outright lie."

Today I got two free old used repaired computers from a neighbor who is a computer repairman. I got an 28" white HP monitor with built in computer which has Windows 11. All it needs is a keyboard and a mouse. And I got an ASUS o outer but with no built in DVD player with Windows 10.

Wednesday, November 2, 2022

Woke up after having a heavenly dream about visiting Vancouver and UBC. I miss Vancouver and often think of moving back there. Vancouver is a heavenly paradise. When I went to Vancouver, I observed that the people around me didn't seem to be worried about the future like I am. Or else as much as I am worried about the future. Vancouver has a future. It is a big city with advanced infrastructure and  that is it's future. 

Today I went to see my sweetness. I went to visit Heather. 

Then I went home and spent the rest of the day playing Myths of Moonrise and Puzzles and Survival. 

Myths of Moonrise has a medieval theme similar to Dungeons and Dragons and Zork, etc. It looks gorgeous and very enchanting. While Puzzles and Survival is a futuristic theme game based on a dystopian zombie invasion and military intervention. These games are match 3 World building games. Eventually I'll uninstall them. With these games, the more you do, the more you gotta do. Level up this, level up that. Level up about 40 buildings. Level up this character, level up that character. Train bruisers, riders, fighters and vehicles. So overwhelming and anxiety inducing. Yet I do it. There is a soap opera intrigue to it. In Puzzles and Survival, I have to collect enough antivirine to heal Nova and then see what happens next. But first, I have to level up two characters to Level 71 and to collect enough level up material to do it. What slog. 

I wonder if I should or could smoke pot again. I don't smoke because when I smoke I get paranoid. I think my life is overwhelming and I reflect on any mistakes I've made. I also think all the small details of my life are crazy. I write about my dreams. That's crazy. I make animated cartoons on YouTube. That's crazy etc. I sometimes think that people are planning to kill me. 

But also I think that God and Jesus don't want me to smoke pot. Pastor Joel Osteen often says, "And God will help you to break that addiction." I don't want to be an addict. I hope that God shows me an undeniable sign in one way or another of whether I should smoke pot or not. If one smokes once a week that doesn't make a person an addict or does it? Also once a week at Church during Communion, I have a sip of sherry which is alcohol. Does that make me an alcoholic? Some people say that alcohol in moderate doses is medicinal. A lot of people also claim that marijuana is medicinal. I used to believe it. Marijuana is better for the liver than tobacco. But tobacco doesn't have a psychotropic effect like marijuana except for the first cigarette of the day headrush. Marijuana is psychologically addictive. It's as addictive as getting up in the morning. There's the cerebral cortex which is responsible for intellectual addiction. There's the nigra striatal which is responsible for addictions based on bodily motions and there's the limbic cortex which is responsible for addictions on a chemical level. 

I saw on the News that Donald Trump is thinking of running again in 2024. He'd be 78 years old. At 78, I wouldn't automatically think that I'd live another year let alone another 4 years and doing an incredibly stressful job meanwhile. His confidence and lack of any kind of health anxiety is superhuman. 

I still wake up every morning with a slight fear and also with fear of the future. Why do I have to get old? Although, old age might be one of the best times of a person's life. For Donald Trump it is because he got to be a President during his old age. I guess for Prince Charles too because during his old age, he became King of England. Those are very stressful jobs. Most people retire at 65. Trump became President at age 70 and Prince Charles became King Charles III at age 73. King of England and President of the United States are starting incredibly stressful jobs and they are doing it at an age long past the age when most people have retired. 

"Mr. President, we need you to sign this." "Mr. President, we need you to sign that." "Mr. President, next week you have to travel to another country to meet a Head of State." "Mr. President, next month you have to host a dinner at the White House when a Head of State will be visiting." "Mr. President, you need to address Congress. Again." What an incredibly stressful job. 

Thursday, November 3, 2022

I woke up with a bit of fear about things in general. This despite this morning having a dream where I got into a car and King Charles was there. He was wearing a black military uniform. It was a long old fashioned car and the car was burgundy in colour. In the back seat was Prince William and Princess Kate. I think they were there to reassure me. When I got into the car, I didn't say anything to King Charles and he didn't say anything to me. I was too shy to say anything. 

Last night I saw a website about the Buddhist Priest I used to know. The website said something like, "Don't tell  yourself stories that could lead to despondency." The mind does like to tell itself stories particularly about what could have happened and also about what might happen. That leads to fear. 

Today I went to Fairway Market and then I visited Heather. 

Sidney BC Star Cinema is open. The first movie is Ticket to Paradise starring George Clooney showing on November 4. 

Friday, November 4, 2022

I woke up with the usual fear of the future and fear of life in general. Although it isn't as bad as it once was, it never seems to go away. I didn't use to be this afraid but maybe that was because I was smoking pot every day and that seemed to take away the fear a bit. A lot of people say that the weed sold at the weed shops is too strong and the weed from the old days is more mellow. The strong pot does something to the mind. I find roaches on the street and collect them in a baggie. But I never smoke it because of fear. Hence I have a small baggie full of roaches. 

I always put myself down because I smoke tobacco. I think I am undisciplined, an addict, a degenerate, someone who is not a perfect Christian because a perfect Christian doesn't smoke tobacco. But is that to say that if I ever quit, will I look down on Christians who smoke tobacco. A lot of Christians who work in poor neighborhoods like those who work at the Salvation Army are probably tobacco smokers. They are great and exemplary Christians. 

Pastor Joel Osteen often says, "And you will break that addiction that you have been struggling with."

So that means addiction is a bad thing and me being addicted to tobacco is a bad thing. Being addicted to weed and tobacco is also bad. 

There are YouTube videos about how to end the stigma of addiction. 

I often ask God to help me to become a better Jedi Knight. I ask God to help me be a brave adventurer like Indiana Jones. I wish I could do good gymnastics like Tron the future warrior. 

But Jedi Knights and Tron the future warrior actually get into fights with people. I don't know that I will or ever want to take it to that level. Get into a fight, get charged with assault. Lose a fight and possibly get a life changing injury. Win a fight and you send a person to the hospital, oh yeah, that would make you feel really great. *sarcasm 

I hope that God or else the forces of life take me away from so much fear. Again, a lot of fear comes from the mind's tendency to tell itself stories. A Black man on YouTube perhaps PrinceEa said that. The man said that the mind does like to tell itself stories, stories about what might have been and bad scenarios too and stories about what could happen in the future and again, bad scenarios too. It's impossible to turn that part of the mind off. 

A good imagination is a great thing. A bad imagination is an incredibly bad thing. 

Saturday, November 5, 2022

The News said that a lot of people from Vancouver's downtown Eastside moved to Victoria. I have seen a lot of crazy people walking down the street and talking loudly in a fit of psychodrama. They ran wherever they were from to the ground and are here to run this place to the ground. Thus running two places to the ground. The old adage is to leave a place better than you found it. The crazy delinquent people from the downtown eastside leave a place worse than they found it. 

Some people are always good and kind to other people while others are always annoying and a nuisance to other people. One day after death, we all go through a life review. We all go through a private hell as we experience all the times we were negative to another and we also feel telepathically and emotionally what the other person felt. But we also experience the times we were kind to others and we also feel the happiness they felt. Hopefully the times we were kind outweigh the times we were a nuisance to others. 

If a person is always evil and a nuisance, evil spirits surround them and when these people die, the evil spirits always collect which is what Dr Steven St John said on YouTube. "And they always collect."

This is Murphys Law. What can go wrong will go wrong. There is always one more sonofabitch than you accounted for. 

For when the One Great Scorer comes

to write against your name, 

He marks - not that you won or lost - 

but how you played the game. 

Grantland Rice

Debbie Hellion said that next year Trudeau will euthanize the mentally ill. Strange. Canada has no capital punishment but abortion is legal and yet Canada would euthanize the mentally ill. The US has capital punishment but abortion is illegal and the US does not euthanize the mentally ill. 

Canada euthanizing the mentally ill means that a person has a severe physical condition and even though it might not result in imminent death, their lives are very difficult and they struggle with a mental illness so severe that they are constantly severely suicidal. Before assisted suicide wouldn't be offered if a person requested euthanasia but was declined because of reasons of mental illness, that they were not in a right state of mind, non compos mentis, enough to make their own decisions. That would be all out the window in Canada. 

Instead of providing these people care in an institution, the cheaper alternative is to just euthanize them, according to the Canadian government. Mental hospitals could house those with chronic mental illness and substance abuse and are homeless living in tents but who would pay for that? In the 80s, it cost $100,00 a year to look after each mental patient in a hospital, to provide nurses, medication, meals, security guards and people to change and launder their bedding etc. The government doesn't believe in throwing good money after bad. The government would rather cut them a cheque of $10,000 a year on social assistance and leave them to fend for themselves on the streets. Now the homeless population is just increasing. 

My landlord said that "The homeless people often turn down housing but if they lived in social housing, they'd want legalized and decriminalized  free subsidized safe supply of drugs too. And they'd want to do whatever they want. Nobody in their right mind would rent to people like that." All hotels even rooming houses have a set of house rules and that implies a modicum of order. 

The future seems to be getting worse and worse and I wonder why I bother even living, but what would be the alternative? Life is not worth living. I'm glad I never brought any children into this world because it would be, as a person on YouTube comments said, bringing a person to hell without their consent. Anyone who has children either isn't thinking right or doesn't care or is selectively overlooking a lot of things. Anyone who has children is an idiot. The World is getting worse in all kinds of ways. Hyperinflation of food and housing, climate change making the World worse and also increase homeless population with profound mental illness and drug addiction problems. 

The weather has been really really windy in the last 12 hours. So windy that I've never seen it this windy before in this city ever or else I forgot about the last time it was this windy. It was near hurricane force winds. I leaned my head out of a window to face the winds because it would feel like being a passenger in a car driving really fast down the highway and rolling down the window and sticking my head out the window to feel the wind. 

Today I visit Heather. 

I visited Heather today then I went to Chinatown. Then I returned home. 

This is my drawing of a street on the downtown Eastside in Vancouver.

I fell off the wagon. I smoked a tiny bit of marijuana this evening. 

Sunday, November 6, 2022

I went to Church today. 

Then I went to Thrifty Foods to get some ginger, ground beef and sesame oil. I have a recipe for braised Chinese mushrooms.

1. Soak Chinese mushrooms in room temperature water for about 2 or 3 hours beforehand.

2. Add oil in a frying pan. Mostly canola oil but also a bit of sesame oil. When the oil heats up, throw in the mushrooms, ground beef, some chopped garlic and onion. Then I added some beer to give it a high class taste but this is optional. Then I added in some water of the mushrooms. Then I added a few slices of potato to give the sauce a starchy thickness. Usually cornstarch mixed with water will do it but I didn't have that. A few slices of potato work just as well. Then I added some sugar and quite a bit of soy sauce. Usually the recipe calls for oyster sauce but I didn't have and didn't want to use that. Serve with rice. I didn't use oyster sauce because it has a salty slightly fishy taste and I didn't want that. Just the thought of that gives me a bit of anxiety. I told you, I have a bit of food related anxiety. Do I want to eat that, do I not? Bam! Another blast of anxiety. I think I'll be fucked for life. 

 

Then I visited Heather. 

I worked a bit on the cartoon for Debbie Hellion. It's an exhaustive tedious process. Stanley Kubrick once said that making a movie is like trying to write a novel like War and Peace while riding on an amusement park bumper car.

A YouTube video from Listening Positive titled 'Empty Your Mind, Sri Adi Shankara story about overthinking' said, A man is pulling a cow on a rope. The cow is trying to pull away from the man. Is the man holding the cow on a rope or is the the cow holding the man on a rope? 

Similarly, are our we holding on to our worries or are our worries holding on to us. How can worries hold on to us because thoughts are spectral formless almost inanimate objects. Therefore we hold on to worrisome thoughts. The solution is to simply let go of them. 

YouTube. WordsofWisdom. How To Live a Stress Free Life. 

An empty jar. Golf balls are first put into the jar. The spaces between the golf balls allowed for pebbles which were also poured into the jar. The spaces between the pebbles allowed for sand which was also poured into the jar. The golf balls represent the primary important things like health and friends.

The pebbles represent the secondary important things. The sand represents minor worries and minor issues. 

If the sand is poured in first, there would be no room for the golf balls. If we spend all our time thinking of minor trivial worries and problems, that would leave no time to think of the important things like God and health and friends and gratitude. 

Today I just went on a walk. It was snowing today. 

IMAX Victoria BC has annual pass on again. For November, the price is $55. Then after that, the price is $59. It's worth it. One year of movies at the IMAX for $55. Upgrade to Hollywood movies is $6.50 per movie. That's a good deal. 

The IMAX annual pass disappeared in early 2020 until recently because of the damned pandemic. This is the best news I have heard of in a long time. 

The regular 45 minute documentary movies are always unfailingly spectacular. 

I often wondered what my cartoons would look like in IMAX. My cartoons are basically animated storyboards which would need to be composite and remastered with a professional soundtrack. My cartoons have amateur production values. Professional cartoons are more slick and have a lot of people working on them and not just one person such as with my cartoons. 

I hope IMAX does a film about the discoveries of the James Webb telescope. 

Due to my ongoing anxiety disorder, even the thought of me getting an IMAX annual pass gives me anxiety. 

Tuesday, November 8, 2022

Today I woke up with more fear than usual. I am afraid because I can't quit smoking. I am afraid of the future. I am a afraid that I am afraid. I am afraid of myself, of my faults, of my imperfections, of my tendency to smoke tobacco. 

Last night I had a dream where I visited my old Buddhist meditation group and I said to someone, "Why are you involved in Buddhist meditation? You're a honky!" That I said that means that the sentiment is ingrained in my subconscious if not my soul. I as well as we all come from a perfect pristine realm where the physics of that realm do not lead to racism. I come to Earth and become a racist even if only in my dreams. The World has stained my soul. In that way I too am a fallen angel. I don't feel good about this and thus I wish I never existed. This is also why I am always afraid. I hope I lose this fear one day. 

This morning a smoke alarm went off in an empty room where a resident who died once lived. Was it her ghost who set off the smoke alarm? I've heard of such things happening on paranormal shows. I've been thinking of her. Maybe it's her way of letting me know that she will always be there to watch over me. Or maybe not. It's not everyone who was so spiritually evolved on Earth so that they could get to be a guardian to others on Earth while in the afterlife. 

On Sunday, the preacher at my Church said that there is a tendency to remember the past as being better than it was. It's called the Camelot effect. Looking at political cartoons from the past, it can be seen that the past had its issues and worries that now look amusing and innocuous but at the time were real stress points. It also goes to show whatever today's worries and issues are, one day these too will be looked back on as amusing and innocuous and these problems will somehow solve themselves and it is all going to be all right. 

If I could spend a few seconds to imagine a good future, the best future for myself, it would be me living in a nice place near UBC or else in James Bay in Victoria or else a nice place in Sidney BC, I would find a lady who is age appropriate to me being no more than 10 years older or younger than me who I have a real sexual chemistry with and with whom I am compatible with never a bad word between us. I would make a lot of money, a million dollars, connected to either my cartoons, my art and my writing. I would get a 1980s model BMW, still holding on to that dream for some reason. It's one thing to want an 80s BMW in the 80s but now the dynamic has changed because an 80s BMW is just about 40 years old. Oh well. Those are the things I want. I won't ever kill myself because if I do, then I would have a zero percent chance of getting that good future. As it is, I have at least about a 1 percent chance of getting all that and a 1 percent chance is infinitely better than a zero percent chance. Maybe my chance of getting that is more than a 1 percent chance. I would pray and ask God to grant me that if I remain faithful and am a good person. It's up to God if He would grant me that or not. 

Heather is a great lady and a sweet lady but there is just about no sexual chemistry between us. I want to find a new girlfriend. 

My drawings of Hastings and Columbia Streets in the downtown Eastside that I did today. This is for the cartoon for Debbie Hellion and the Apocalypse.

Wednesday, November 9, 2022

Today I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and got a 1.5 litre bottle of Listerine Cool Mint Zero mouthwash. Then I went to the Bay Centre food court to get some sushi. 

Other than that I stayed home all day. Too cold to walk to the beach. 

I watched the latest episode of Andor episode 10. Then I watched 3 episodes of The Crown Season 5. The stories are embellished and not 100% historically accurate. Boring day. 

After watching the Crown, I had an afternoon nap. Upon waking, half awake, half still sleeping, I slipped into a quick dream where I was thinking about the TV show the Crown and saw a lady on a ballroom dance floor wearing a white silk  dress lined with diamonds but the the diamonds were yellow Christmas lights sown in the dress. The Christmas lights in the dress were about two inches apart horizontally and about 4 inches apart vertically up and down attached on vertical lines. The dress in that way  seemed to be glowing from the inside like an angel glows from the inside. 

I have regrets of my life. But since these regrets do not involve costing money, or getting injuries or getting arrested, these regrets are relatively minor and meaningless. I regret I spent too much time knowing this person or that person or other. It was kind of a waste of time. 

I still fear the future and I don't know if I'll ever overcome this fear. 

With my tongue, I noticed ever slightly swollen gums around the second tooth from the back, bottom jaw, left hand side. I had swollen gums before and it went away. Dr Google says it could be an abscess or gingivitis. I can't afford the $2,000 periodontic surgery and Google says only 85% of periodontic surgeries do not result in failure. I brushed with crest sensitivity and gum toothpaste, I rinsed with Listerine cool mint zero, I took an ibuprofen and a multi vitamin. Hopefully this works and my swollen gum will go away. There is no pain at all. An abscess often involves pain. 

There was a pain underneath my left jaw which was worse yesterday and this morning but went away after I took an ibuprofen. I hope these two things are not connected. I did have a dream the other day of having an abscess but in the dream the swollen part was above the mouth and on the right hand side of the face. 

Thursday, November 10, 2022

Today I went and got the IMAX annual pass. I say the movie D-Day today. It was a good movie and brought fernweh and anemoia. Fernweh is nostalgia for a place never been to and anemoia is nostalgia for a time never lived in. 

The Hollywood movie 1917 is showing at IMAX until Sunday and I got a ticket! I saw it on video before but forgot the ending. This would be a good movie to see on IMAX. 

I found a full bag of Doritos chips at a bus stop. Incidentally, the same bus stop where I found a Polo Ralph Lauren shirt. I'm thinking of getting a Polo Ralph Lauren winter jacket at a thrift store although I already have two excellent winter jackets. 

I saw the movie 1917 at IMAX today. Holy smokes. Great movie. I tried to see it before when I rented it from the Library but after Blake died, I couldn't watch it. The movie was incredible. It was all done in one shot. Or had the illusion of it anyways. Schofield didn't stay behind and try to get it on with the lady with the baby. He had to save lives. I wonder how many men would try to stay behind and try to get it on with her. Maybe he could look for her again. 

I came home and again I had another anxiety attack. I hope I won't have anxiety for life otherwise this anxiety will be the death of me. I'm hoping that I'll completely recover from it one day. Please pray for me that I recover from anxiety. It's the littlest details in my life that can all of a sudden give me an anxiety attack. I think I'm fucked for life. 

I think my constant anxiety which I got a year ago during the pandemic is a kind of shell shock. Did soldiers ever recover from shell shock after the war was over? Shell shock experienced during military experience is on another level from what I'm going through. True military shell shock involves being close to thousands of artillery and ballistics and also of having taken lives in the context of military combat. I never went through anything like that. I went through a mild case caregiver burnout which is not at all the same thing as shell shock. Shell shock is much much worse. A severe case of caregiver burnout involves tears and crying and also screaming. I was never in tears and never screamed. I just get anxiety over little details which suddenly overwhelm. 

At the IMAX theatre tomorrow is a free NFB movie called Forgotten Warriors. It is a 53 minute movie that is about the contribution of Indigenous Canadian soldiers who fought in World War 2. But if you don't want to go to the Imax theatre to see it, the whole thing is available for free on YouTube. 

NFB National Film Board of Canada. 

Seeing a free movie for the public after I have gotten an annual pass would be redundant. With an annual pass, all movies are free for a year. 

One day I'll have a major happy dream that will cure me from anxiety once and for all. People who have anxiety for a long time have a possibility of having just a dream. 

Friday, November 11, 2022

I completed the cartoon for Debbie Hellion and the Apocalypse today.

I visited Heather again today. She is just as sweet as ever. We went for pizza. I love Heather a lot. 

Saturday, November 12, 2022

Early this morning between 1am and 3 am I watched Where The Crawdads Sing. Too bad I read a summary of the movie as well as the novel on Wikipedia so the movie was totally spoiled. But it gave me a complete understanding of the movie in case I gloss over or miss anything. The movie is a masterpiece. It's about a young girl named Kya who grows up near a swamp. Her family abandons her so lives at the swamp alone. She meets a boy named Tate and they grow up together. Tate too abandons her as he goes to college. Kya then meets a quarterback in the college football team named Chase. They hit it off but then Kya finds out that Chase is engaged to another woman. Chase then becomes violent with her. Very violent. One day Chase's dead body is found in the swamp and Kya is accused as the suspect and she goes to court. A friend from childhood, a lawyer named Tom Milton defends her in court. If Chase's body hadn't been found, he would have been a Bog Man like Tollund Man. 

Using wording carefully so as not to spoil it, the movie doesn't explain how Chase is killed. It seems impossible given the time frame and what the killer had to work with. The movie only implies what happened but the novel goes into detail what happened. I never read the novel. 

The movie is unforgettable. Other than Jumpin or James and Mabel who are Kya's friends, they are about the only non White people in the movie. Not an Oriental or East Indian in sight. That was how it was in Georgia in the 50s and 60s which was when the movie was set. 

A character dies in the movie and just before death, the character sees their mother. Hospice nurse Julie on YouTube describes this as visioning and she says it happens with a lot of her patients at the hospice. Visioning is also depicted at the end of the movie Dr Sleep when Danny Torrance dies and he sees his mother. I wonder if this happens in all cases. However I heard of or read of cases where the dying person sees either nothing or else worse, a dark black shadow and the patient says, "Don't come get me!" These are hurtful hateful people who lived a life of negativity and were a nuisance or always a pain in the neck to others. 

Where the Crawdads Sing will win at least one Oscar, for sure. 

Interestingly, the author of the book Delia Owens herself is a possible suspect in a murder case which goes back years to when she and her husband were in Africa and witnessed, filmed and wrote about the death of some elephant poachers. Delia Owens is protective of elephants like Dian Fossey was protective of gorillas. She and her husband left Africa right after the event. Did she have something to do with it? Unless there is direct evidence and only circumstantial or hearsay evidence, there is no reason to think that she did it. I would hope that she didn't do it. 

Today I woke up with a bit of fear. Partly the fear comes from guilt of me not having quit smoking tobacco. However I don't smoke that much. I have the morning cigarette to get the morning headrush which is an atrocious habit. The rest of the day when I smoke, I only have no more than two or three draws off the cigarette. So all in all, that's still smoking in moderation. I never smoke the cigarette from stem to stern, smoking it right down to the nub. A bit of smoking is healthy as it protects the lungs from asthma and respiratory illness as it provides a protective coat of phlegm fot the lungs that is later spits out. Debbie Hellion once said that smoking has protected her from covid. 

Debbie Hellion thanked me for making the cartoon for her. My cartoon is a love letter to Debbie Hellion but love letter is a term used loosely as the Blade Runner anime cartoon was a love letter to the Blade Runner franchise and the Ghostbusters video game was a love letter to the Ghostbusters franchise. My cartoon is a love letter to the Debbie Hellion and the Apocalypse franchise. 

I went to see the movie Everest at the IMAX theatre. The movie underscored how dangerous climbing Mount Everest is. There are frequent storms that arrive unexpectedly at the summit. Many people died from this.

I went to Holland Point Park today. The sunlight was perfect like Spring time sunlight. It was beautiful there. I thanked God for the beautiful day. 

I went to a supermarket and I saw Dr Bonnie Henry there! She looked gorgeous in a blue winter coat. I am starstruck. It was good to see her. 

Sometimes the future turns out well. 

I then went to the James Bay Library. I saw something strange at the James Bay Library. As I was leaving, an old man inserted a bunch of DVDs and a large book through the after hours book return slot outside the library. There is usually a collection box there, but the box is not there during the day. The books and DVDs just fell to the ground, almost damaged. I thought, that's typical. There are a lot of delinquents in this town. I picked up the DVDs and book and put it through the actual return slot with a green and red laser registry. State of the art.

Then the old man walked into the library. If he was going to walk into the library, why didn't he return his things to the usual return place rather than just to shove them through the outdoor afterhours return slot? Delinquent behavior and this town is full of delinquents.  

In my paranoid delusion, I thought the old man was an agent doing that to point out to me, "Why do you borrow DVDs and blu rays from the James Bay Library all the time only to return it to the Central Library? Why do you not borrow DVDs and blu rays from the Central Library more often and also why do you not return DVDs and blu rays you borrowed from the James Bay Library to the James Bay Library? For the library return service to return your DVDs and blu rays that you borrowed from the James Bay library from the Central Library back to the James Bay Library costs money to the taxpayers." I didn't think it was a problem. I got habituated to that. I go on walks to James Bay and the James Bay Library is there and looks inviting. There are good new DVDs and blu rays there in the three day loan collection. The Central Library is less than a block away from where I live and it's really convenient to return it there. Either I generally don't feel like going to the Central Library or else the Central Library has too large of a collection of blu rays and DVDs. The James Bay Library has a smaller collection so it takes me less time to go through them all and to make a choice. 

Is it wrong to borrow DVDs etc from one library only to return them to another all the time? I've become habituated to this pattern. Or else the old man is just another delinquent and this town is full of delinquents with their delinquent behaviour. 

The rest of the day spent at home. 

I am often anxious about the future and even the present. I always have so many things to do. Do this, do that. Overwhelming. I have to watch the movies I borrowed from the Library. I have to do my laundry. I have to decide what to have for dinner and to prepare dinner. Etc. Well, I no longer have any animated cartoons to do. Since I saw her today, I might do a very short, no more than 30 seconds animated cartoon about Dr Bonnie Henry in space about to deliver vaccines to another planet. First she takes off on a spaceship from the moon. Travels to another planet and brings vaccines to an alien civilization. Dr Bonnie Henry is a very beautiful lady. However ladies are supposed to be beautiful otherwise the species would grind to a halt. 

Sunday, November 13, 2022

Life scares me. I don't know how much longer I have to live. The 50s is quite a bit different than the 40s. One is more aware of their upcoming death in their 50s. But the 50s is a picnic compared to the 60s. I think that even Freud said that after 60, one's primary preoccupation is their death. 

There is a YouTube story about 100 camels. A man went to a zen master and said that he couldn't be happy until all his problems are solved. The zen master talked about taking care of 100 camels. At night if the caretaker can get 100 camels to kneel down to sleep, only then can the caretaker sleep. But the caretaker can never get all 100 camels to kneel down. Some camels kneel down on their own. Some camels kneel down with the caretaker's prodding. Others will never kneel down. 

So it goes some problems solve themselves quickly, others get solved with your effort while others will not get solved immediately but will after some time. 

And we will never be in a place or time where there are no problems because as one problem is solved, another will arise. The point is to just keep going, problems or not. 

Another YouTube story is about a man who sees a butterfly struggling in the cocoon so he uses scissors to cut the cocoon and to help the butterfly end the struggle. As soon as he did this, the butterfly was unable to fly. Struggles is natures way of preparing you for your bright future. Struggles are necessary for success etc. 

I am thinking of going to a Chinese Church. The last time I went there, I asked the preacher to pray about my health problems with my ear and nose. These problems were eventually completely healed. So I'm superstitious. I'll ask this preacher to pray about waking up in fear and spending the day in anxiety and about my fear of the future. I'll practice the Chinese language that I know. Last night I had a dream where I walked on the roof of a white colored Chinese Church in Vancouver's Chinatown. 

Yesterday, I saw a movie that I rented from the library called The Birthday Cake. It's about a birthday cake that a mother baked for a birthday party of an Italian gangster. That mother's husband was killed years ago and it was the gangsters who were behind that killing. The cake was poisoned so after eating the cake they all died. There was a corrupt undercover police officer who didn't stay at the party when they were eating the birthday cake so he didn't die. Instead after going to the party briefly, the corrupt cop went to work over someone named Leo who lost 5 pounds of heroin when he got arrested. The cop was torturing Leo when the son of the mother who baked the birthday cake walked in and after a struggle killed the corrupt cop when the corrupt cop revealed that he was the one who killed the sons father who was also the husband of the mother who baked the birthday cake. Intense story but is it true or not? Who cares. It's a riveting movie. 

It's sort of like the Valentines Day massacre but with a birthday cake. 

"A lawyer carrying a briefcase can steal more than ten men with guns." The Godfather

In this case, a man carrying a birthday cake can kill more than ten men with guns. 

Interestingly, a day before I saw the movie I saw a YouTube video about bad karma. A mother bakes some bread and put it on a windowsill every day for the poor and hungry. Every day, the same street beggar went to the window and took the bread muttering, "The evil you do stays with you. The good you do comes back to you." Enraged that the beggar never once thanked her, on one day, she thought of poisoning the bread. But she didn't poison the bread. On that same day, her long lost son came back to her. Her son said," I was starving on the streets but a beggar gave me some bread. After eating the bread, I had the strength to come back to you. After giving the bread, the beggar muttered," The evil you do stays with you. The good you do comes back to you." Horrified the mother realized that she was so lucky that she decided not to poison the bread that day! The almost poisoned bread in this story reminds me of the poisoned birthday cake of the movie. 

I still have anxiety and probably will for life. I'm ketched for life. I also fear the micro details of my life each are overwhelming and crazy. For eg last night I slept with my baby Yoda aka Grogu doll beside me. That's crazy! This is a $100 Grogu doll I bought at Walmart that if its head is rubbed, it does animatronic things and if lied down on its back, it closes its eyes and sleeps. I was thinking of selling it but I can't sell this cute baby. It's with me for life. 

I often think of the love I have for Heather. I love her so much. I always worry for her health and I worry about her future but this is the same person ie me who is constantly worried about my future! I am a worry wart. I worry so much, too much. I love Heather like the flowers and the grass loves the sun and the rain.

 

Monday, November 14, 2022

Today I went to the IMAX theater and saw Train Time. Last night I had a dream about doing an animated cartoon about trains in Japan. The IMAX movie was great. IMAX movies can let one experience a travel adventure.

The song in Train Time is Gentle On My Mind, Tammy Wynette. 

A great movie I borrowed from the Library is Nightmare Alley. A poor guy goes to a carnival and gets a job. He learns about how to be a fake psychic. He leaves the carnival and goes independent. He sets up a show and cons rich people with disastrous results for himself. Cate Blanchett said in the extras of the blu ray, "This movie shows two worlds. It shows the carnival which everyone knows is full of deception and trickery but at the heart of it is a real community of people. And it shows a rich world where everyone is proper and knows their place but at the heart of it is a darkness that is far more dangerous." This makes me worry about the people at Church because most of them are richer than me. Does this mean that they're dark and dangerous? Not if they don't have to be. I've known them for years and haven't seen anything dark or dangerous about them. They seem to be people with a lot of faith. Even living a rich life, problems and challenges and struggles arise and one needs faith that God is with them to get through these issues. 

There is a new drug. It's called flakka and it's the most dangerous drug of them all. Flakka aka Alpha-PVP and Alpha-PHP is a cathinone derivative of the plant khat just as bath salts is. Cat-hinone Khat-hinone from the plant Khat. A hit can cost as little as $5 and first responders refer to the drug as '$5 insanity'. One teenager on the drug walked from a restaurant where he was dining with his parents and walked and at one pint he saw a middle aged couple in a garage. He attacked them and ate raw the skin off of the couples faces. Another story is one guy high on flakka hid behind a tree and kept shoving pine cones up his anus and even tried to insert them into his penis as well. I'm worried about this happening to me. Probably not because it's usually difficult to find any pine cones. 

Flakka is often mixed with marijuana. I pick up roaches off the street and save them to smoke later. If at any point I smoke a roach and detect something wrong, I would call 911 or else turn myself into the police and explain that I found a roach on the street that must have been laced with flakka. I hope this never happens. But in all my life I never smoked any roach that I found on the street that was laced with anything. At one time in 2002, my friend offered me a couple of tokes on a joint. The joint was laced with crack and I knew it right then and there. The drug flakka should be exterminated off the face of the Earth and I hope the Police are able to control this drug from ever getting on the streets. Typically most of the time when people smoke flakka nothing happens but when it goes wrong it goes really wrong. Flakka delivers a burst of dopamine that is 100 times stronger than cocaine. Dopamine is the chemical one feels when they have an orgasm. The only drug I heard of that is this dangerous is PCP. I never heard of a case of anyone on PCP in my town. Even in the downtown Eastside of Vancouver, stories of people being on PCP are extremely rare. I never personally heard of any stories specifically. 

I learned of this drug yesterday seeing the YouTube video called, Flakka: The Designer Drug Destroying Communities from Simon Whistler. 

Anxiety and excitement have the same symptoms. Whether it's excitement mistaken for anxiety or anxiety mistaken for excitement, either way you win. 

God's forgiveness is infinite. A person's forgiveness is finite. 

Just as God's lifespan is infinite and a person's lifespan is finite. 

There are some people I haven't forgiven even decades later. But there are many forms of revenge and many forms of forgiveness. If I choose never to contact them ever again that may be a form of revenge but if at the same time I also don't contact them again even to give them a last parting shot in the form of a few mean words, that is also a form of forgiveness. 

Today I watched the movie Dog. It is about a US Rangers soldier assigned to bring a dog named Lulu 1500 miles away to the funeral of the dog's former master who died while serving overseas. Lulu is a mean dog who went through some kind of PTSD but over time, the Ranger and the dog bond to become lifelong friends. 

Tuesday, November 15, 2022

Woke up in fear. What's new?

Today I saw the Imax movie Hidden Pacific. It is about Palmyra atoll or a group of islands in the Pacific. That island saw some action during World War 2's Pacific Theatre. There are 3 foot long crabs called robber crabs or coconut crabs. There are enough cocanut crabs in this neighborhood! The movie was very beautiful. The movie showed schools of fish. Those fish are often captured and displayed in private aquariums. Those fish would otherwise live free surrounded by thousands of their fish friends. In a private aquarium, they get food every day, they don't have to worry about predators and get veterinary care. An immigrant would be surrounded by thousands of people just like them. They come to Canada and they see comparatively few of their own people. But in Canada, they get good housing, medicare, cool weather and social support programs like welfare and pensions. Those were my thoughts during seeing the movie. 

I often think I'll die at around 70 but who knows? I could live to 80 or even older. My teeth days are numbered. In the next ten years I'll probably lose a few more teeth. My girlfriend said that steak can't be eaten with dentures. 

I borrowed a few movies from the library today. Boon is an intense thriller about an ex hit man who inadvertently protects a woman and her son. The ending leaves him walking off through a tunnel into a possible hopefully a sequel. 

Because of Ethan Hawke I borrowed Black Phone. I'm scared to watch this movie. I haven't watched it yet. I am scared of some movies like Interview With The Vampire which I watched and The Lovely Bones which I have never watched. Too scared to. Black Phone is about child abduction and a serial killer which is every parent's and every non-parents nightmare. A movie reviewer Jeremy Jahns said its like The Sixth Sense meets Silence of the Lambs. The child who is kidnapped talks on a phone to the spirits of the other children who were abducted and murdered. I have an anxiety disorder and don't know if I could watch this. Goog Fight Ministries on YouTube on a video about Hollywood said that focusing on a scary movie can help cure a person of anxiety. I'll try watching Black Phone but I'll have anxiety throughout. The only people who can watch Black Phone without anxiety is an experienced Police Officer and even then. But am I on that level? Am I an experienced Police Officer. I doubt it. I'll try my best to watch the movie even though I'm not a Police Officer. I'll try to watch it even though I have fear and anxiety. Who knows? Maybe the kid escapes and the Ethan Hawke character is either arrested or killed by the Police. 

2 hours later: Well the movie wasn't as scary as I thought it would be although it was pretty fucking scary. The kid escapes although how, I won't spoil it. It was a good movie but not one I'd watch in the theatre because it's more scary in te theatre. Ethan Hawke was the only famous actor in this movie. Everyone else was unknown actors. They all did a good job. Maybe some of these actors will be in a future Star Wars movie. 

The Black Phone by Joe Hill is a short 30 page book that can be downloaded for free as a pdf. 

The Black Phone is from the same director as the movie Sinister which is rated as the scariest movie ever made. 

YouTube Gavin Loves Horror said that Smile is the scariest movie of 2022. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2022

I went to a supermarket and got some double cream brie cheese for $5.99.

Then I went to visit Heather. She wasn't home. 

I tested an HP computer screen i was going to hock yesterday but yesterday the hock shop was closed. I really like this computer screen. Good color definition. I'm glad I didn't hock it. 

I gave away some no name computer speakers I found on the street in James Bay. I gave them away when I left them in the hotel laundry room where people often leave things they don't want. Over the years I found quite a few treasures there including a Polo Ralph Lauren bathrobe. The bathrobe i threw away years ago because it had a big hole in it in the side. I had remorse about throwing that away but I since found a nice York Hotel bathrobe. They were white computer speakers with no holes in them as a tiny subwoofer. Some computer speakers have that. I already have two sets of  computer speakers, one a Bose one and the other a Harmon Kardon one with tiny subwoofer holes. I already have Bose and Harmon Kardon and I would opt for no name with no subwoofer holes? I am a hoarder and obsess about things and get remorse when I throw away things I could have kept. But I also want a pristinely clean room and don't want to heard too many things. I hope I find computer speakers again. But my obsession of the computer speakers I gave away is what makes me crazy. 

I also gave away a small ghetto blaster I found. It didn't have an AC plug cord but I found one at Value Village for $2.99. I gave this away to Heather because she listens to the radio very often while I just about never listen to the radio. I already have a few options for radio. Plug in a computer or a tablet into my HK computer speakers or else another pair of speakers I have. These are tiny grey speakers I found. I can also plug in a small Sony radio i got at London Drugs for $39.99 into the small Grey speakers if I need a radio. The Sony radio uses two AA batteries but these batteries last just about forev in the radio it seems. 

Obsessing about small details, my hoarders mentality coupled with my wanting a pristine clean minimalist zen IKEA showroom room is contrarian. I worry about my 50s as a person first going to high school fears the upcoming high school years or how a person in their 20s fears the upcoming years. Who knows? The 50s might be some of the best years I ever had. 

My 40s were some of the best years I had but they were also some of the worst. I never got laid in my 40s and if I knew my 40s would turn out like that, I would have killed myself at 40. But it's one thing to want something that I'm good at and it's another thing to want something that I'm not good at. I'm not good at getting laid. Erectile dysfunction and difficulty in completing the act. And if I did get laid and did it well, it's only trading one set of worries for another such as did I do something intense and not usual, will I be on the hook for child support, did I get a sexual disease such as cancer causing HPV, how much do I really like this woman, am I committed to her or is she someone I just want to fuck but not to marry. 

Google pregnancy horror stories. What if she dies during childbirth? In Shakespeare's time, the odds were 1 in 50. Today it's 1 in 1500. If 1 in 1500 planes crashed, would you go on a plane trip? 

Getting laid or getting a lot of money, either is trading one set of worries for another and neither is really the good thing they at first appear to be. 

I think I'm crazy but I want to be normal. I want to be 100% normal and perfect like the people at Church. They seem normal and perfect. 

I used to smoke pot everyday. I've gone from that to just about never smoking. I quit over a year ago. I fear that if I smoke too much pot, I'll be an addict which is not good according to Pastor Joel Osteen and I'll be broke as a weed habit costs money but not as much money as owning a car such as a BMW. 

I hope that I can find computer speakers on the street again. One day. I hope I find a small ghetto blaster with radio on the street again. There I am being crazy again. There's no hope for me. I hope that God helps me with this. If there is no God, there is no hope of going to heaven and the afterlife will be scary indeed. 

If there is a heaven and its blissful, perfect, has no stress etc the critical faculty will kick in. The moment the critical faculty kicks in implies having negativity and that negativity can either send one to hell or else to reincarnate. If, as the East Indians believe, there is perpetual reincarnation, what about one day millions or billions of years in the future when Earth doesn't exist anymore or else is made no longer possible due to a growing sun turning from a yellow star to a red giant star, where do we reincarnate to then? Neither science or religion says there is any life on other planets. The government may tacitly admit that through allowing the hundreds if not thousands of science fiction movies and TV shows released since the 50s or else these movies are just an outlet for human imagination and inevitable questions of the mind such as, "We are alive on this planet. Are there other planets where things are also alive? What makes us so special? There are billions of stars and planets too." It was only in the 90s when NASA admitted that there are planets outside the solar system. Before that, this fact wasn't exactly disclosed. Star Trek and Star Wars hinted at that. But the things NASA and the government know are decades ahead of what the general public knows. NASA knew even in the 60s when Star Trek was on that there were planets outside the solar system. The general public didn't know that. 

The Why Files did a video about Dulce Underground base. In that video he said that there are 10 Alien species living on the Earth. 8 are friendly and 2 are hostile. Is that real? If it's real, what a nightmare. What chance do we have? Why does the Bible never mention dinosaurs or aliens? 

I fear the future. I fear that my future will be boring and not worth living. Why bother. But what's the alternative? Suicide? Fuck that! I have health anxiety due to the various small medical issues I've had such as headaches, pain from tooth extraction, food poisoning, abscess, lumps and bumps that eventually went away such as pimples on my genitals and that bump of hard snot in my nose I was so worried about that eventually completely went away. These issues pale in comparison to all the organs shutting down as would happen in suicide. That's why I leave my life in the hands of God. My life belongs to God and so does my death. I am only left to fearfully endure what could be a boring future devoid of getting laid but even getting laid would bring along another set of worries. I don't want to be on the hook for child support. Sure I could do it with a lady the first few times with a condom but eventually the condom is not worn and that is done a few times and before I now it, she's pregnant. It's a slippery slope. I don't think I'd be a good father. I'm bound to mess it up in one way or another. One has to be the perfect father otherwise, why bother? With inflation, it's expensive enough for me to just take care of myself in terms of food and shelter let alone to care for any children. Forget it. Just forget it. But at age 52, that ship has sailed for me. No one in society expects someone in their 50s to have children. That is something for someone in their 20s and 30s. Even the 40s is pushing it let alone the 50s. 

I fear that I'll never get laid again. But again, getting laid is like playing a sport. Either you're good at it or not. Worrying about not getting laid is like worry about not playing golf or tennis. 

Tiger Woods is good at golf. Even with a 15 stroke handicap per hole, Tiger Woods would beat me at golf. 

Thursday, November 17, 2022

I went to Chinatown today. Then I visited Heather. 

Then I went home and spent most if not all of the day suffering with anxiety. 

I watched two movies from the library. 

Belfast is a movie based on Kenneth Branagh's childhood in Belfast Ireland when the Irish Civil War was going on. Belfast is in Northern Ireland. Dublin is in Southern Ireland. I thought Ireland was partitioned from a degree from King James. Well the Protestant Irish are the Ulster Unionists and the Catholics are the Fenians. Orangemen are Protestant. Then there was Sunday Bloody Sunday in 1914. The movie is set in 1969 and there was a lot of the Civil War going on then too. Good movie. 

The other movie I watched was Cruella. I thought it was 101 Dalmatians but this movie is a back story about Cruella being a child and growing up. I rooted for Cruella in this movie. 

I didn't have popcorn with the movies. I had anxiety instead. I think I'm fucked in the head. Heather, my girlfriend said to me when I said I was fucked in the head, "No you're not." I love her so much. I love her like the flowers and the grass loves the sun and the rain. 

I often think of smoking pot again but I think that Pastor Joel Osteen would think less of me if I became an addict to pot. Jesus might think less of me. Besides the stigma of Marijuana addiction, I don't want to be so addicted that I wind up broke all the time. It's best not to smoke at all to save money. For what? The expensive food prices that gets more and more expensive?! I don't know how I'm going to make it through the rest of my life. The only thing I have to look forward to is growing old which is the most worst and scary time of life. Youthful looks are gone and the teeth are eventually all gone. Heather told me that one can't eat steak with dentures. Then after old age what is there to look forward to? Death?! I don't know if there is heaven. That sounds too black and white. Like life, the afterlife is a Grey area with varying shades of grey. There will be issues in the afterlife and the critical faculty just like consciousness survives death to live on in another and holographic dimension. Critical faculty = no absolute good heaven, just more grey area. 

Supposedly our dead friends and relatives in their bliss in heaven often visit and watch over what we do in this world while we're alive. Wouldn't visiting and seeing the details of our lives on this Earth register as a grey area for them? 

If Christianity is the true religion, why would there be so many religions? Does God love people of all religions? If not, is that a God worth believing in? Each religion or even sect within a religion claims they have the monopoly on truth. The only option is just to be coopted into their whatever craziness and hope for the best. 

Church gives me such a feeling. The other day I went to Church then on the evening after Church I listened to April Wine, Bad Side of the Moon. I was in heaven for awhile there. It was so blissful. That's why I love going to Church. Church + listening to 70s music afterwards = bliss. That's the power of music. "Music hath charms to soothe a savage breast." Shakespeare

Friday, November 18, 2022

Woke up feeling fearful. So many details in my life. So many things to do. Do this, do that. My crazy defective brain that is linked to my strange porn fetish which I discussed a lot over the years. Granny porn. Is this the brain that I have to work with for the next 20 - 30 years?! How can I do it? The only thing I have to look forward to is growing old and that implies decline and decrepitude. Also this brain is linked to the strange dreams that I have every night. I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life. And how am I going to die? Death most likely involves pain and I am afraid of that. I'm glad I never had any children because anyone born into this world is doomed to an inevitable future of old age and death unless they die young and that isn't good either. Life is a ghastly wretched defective scary algorithm. Even those who are very rich have to face old age and death. There is no escape. 

A lot of old people seem happy. King Charles is always smiling even though he is old. He has a bold and beaming smile. I hope I can be that happy when I'm old. I am jumping the gun. The internet said that early old age is between age 65 and 74. Mid old age is between age 75 - 90. Extreme old age is over 90. So technically I'm not old yet but I'm the person who thought he was old at age 28. 

Dr Seema Seghal is a psychiatrist that talks about ANTs or automatic negative thoughts. A person has about 30,000 thoughts a day. One such ANT is fortune telling. She said, "Where's the crystal ball?"

I was thinking that my anxiety attacks was my spider sense intuitively registering an omen that I will never get laid or have good sex ever again. That could give one anxiety. In that case, I'm not sure that I want to live. But there are thousands or millions of people who will never have sex again such as monks who have taken on a vow of chastity. But having not having sex again vs having sex again can be changing one set of worries for another. But thinking that way decreases the odds that I will have sex again. I don't know if I want to bother with living yet I have to. There is no choice but to live and face the future whatever that is. A young person seems to have less anxiety about growing older. When I was young. I wanted to be older. Now I either want to be younger or else I want time to stop altogether. But even a person who is 20 can think, Will I make it to 30? A person who is 40 can wonder if they'll make it to 50. Now at 50 I wonder if I'll make it to 60. Life is a very confounding and stressful process. 

Also, I don't want to live in this town but I don't want to live in any other town also. No town in the world is good. No town in the world has all the answers. The magic of life is over for me. This is as good as it will ever get. I thought my cartoons on YouTube would bring me money. It did nothing for me. In a lot of ways, making the cartoons was a waste of time and energy. Don't cast your pearls before swine. 

I wish my mother had lived and I died. I would trade my life for hers. My mother seemed to have a better grasp of life than I ever did. I will never see my father again. Just like in the dream I had a few years ago when I said to him, "Dad, I'll never see you again!" That dream came true. I think my father died. My life has turned out so wretched that I wish I was never born. Can such a wish come true. Maybe when I die, there will be a reset so that retroactively, I was just not ever born. 

The biggest loss in history is when Bruce Lee died. He would have made so many more good movies, great movies. Mindblowingly great movies. Such a loss. Bruce Lee was distinct. No one has ever made martial art movies as good as he did. If someone ever invents a time machine, they should go back in time and make it that Bruce Lee didn't die. A time machine will never be invented in the future because if it did and they went back in time to save Bruce Lee, I wouldn't be writing this. Bruce Lee would simply not have died as young as he did. 

Also a time machine should prevent the Titanic from sinking and also save John Lennon from getting shot because he would have made more great albums and also prevent Kennedy and Lincoln from getting shot. Those items should be on the time machine shopping list. Top priority items. Maybe extraterrestrial civilizations have time machines. Why not ask them to do humanity a favor and use that technology to save the Titanic and Bruce Lee and John Lennon and Kennedy and Lincoln? 

Also while they're at it, why not make it that my mother lived and I died? If my mother died of childbirth, I would trade my life for hers. A time machine can do that. Go back in time and get my mother to have an abortion so that she lives and I died. My mother didn't perform an abortion on me and my life hasn't been the same ever since. 

I saw the movie Sinister today. It wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. Of course since I'm already fearful there isn't much of a leap to go from that to being more fearful of a movie. The fear is redundant. A scary movie is not much of a step up if I'm already afraid. The movie is about a horror story writer who moves into a house where a family was murdered to research the house. Soon his family too gets haunted. 

I saw Blue Bayou which is about a Korean immigrant who is married with children finally getting deported. No happy ending. 

I saw Lego Star Wars The Freemaker Adventures. It's about a force sensitive boy who finds the khyber crystal saber. 

I saw Star Wars The Clone Wars  A Galaxy Divided again. Yoda said to three clone troopers, "You are always focused on your enemies. Instead focus on your own strength and your friends around you. You are focused on weapons. Instead focus on your mind which can outwit droids. You are always in a rush. Focus on patience and take your time." Or words to that effect. 

Saturday, November 19, 2022

Woke up in fear again. The future is a big task to overcome. I saw a YouTube video about the Vilisca Axe Murder house. Special features on the DVD Sinister, Living in a House of Death features the Vilisca House. Scary. Why do I watch such videos? 

What to do today. Every day is a blank slate of boredom and that is scary. 

There are people working just outside my window. They are window workers working to clean and upgrade windows of the building next to mine. Sometimes they talk loudly or their electric tools are loud. They've been there for four months. They are there week after week. Week in week out. That lowers my standard of living. I don't go to their place and work just outside their window. The forces of life have brought that to me. Life is just unbearable. 

Today I went to Sidney BC. First I went to a bakery to get something for Heather. Then I went to Fairway to get some mayonnaise. I got Hellman's mayonnaise because the name Hellman's reminds me of Hellion, Debbie Hellion. Then I went to the Centre for the Salish Sea. Their exhibits keep looking better and better. I saw a green grundling and a very large wolf eel. Then I went to the new Star Cinema and I saw Ticket to Paradise. It's a chick flick but Ticket to Paradise is a nice title. I'd like a ticket to paradise myself. I already am in paradise because Victoria BC and Sidney BC is a paradise. The movie is about a wedding. Maybe I might get married one day, but I doubt it. That ship has sailed. Then I went to Sidney fish store for a can of tuna. I wanted regular tuna but only smoked tuna is available. I got that because their tins of smoked tuna is tuna on another level. Really good. Then I went to the Chinese restaurant and mostly spoke Chinese with the manager. I went home on the bus thinking, "Nein fensterplatz." No windowseat. The bus was very crowded almost full. It's as if some force read my mind because 4 teenagers sat near me. They were clearly speaking German. My German is at basic beginner level if that. When they were leaving, I thought, "Auf wiederzein, Dankę fur spriechen Deutsche." Farewell, thank you for speaking German. It's inspirational to hear people speaking a different language. They spoke good German. They spoke so fast. 

I returned to Victoria and visited Heather to give her the treat I got at the bakery for her. My trip to Sidney today wiped me out financially but it will be a good day that I'll remember. Years later, the cost of the money will fade away and only the good memories will remain. I returned home feeling anxiety and fear of the future. Yet some people in my hotel claim to not have anxiety but they never go anywhere. Meanwhile I have anxiety and visited Sidney BC today including the movie theater and including speaking a language I don't usually speak to a restaurant manager. I wonder if I have that much anxiety then. Thank God for the gift of life. Thank God for the gift of another beautiful day. 

Today I found out that I got a reply from Terra and Hailee on their James Bay Inn video. They are ghost hunters. That is great. 

Sunday, November 20, 2022

I went to Church twice today. First to one Church then to another. 

First I went to one Church then I visited Heather. We went to Tim Horton's. 

Then I went to another Church. I got a picture of Jesus from the second Church I went to. I went and got a frame for the picture. 

I saw the movie Snake Eyes GI Joe origins today. It was a really good movie. Since Snake Eyes is a recurring GI Joe character and this is an origins story, I figured that whatever Snake Eyes went through, he wouldn't die. The movie heavily centered on Japan and ninjas, etc. 

Monday, November 21, 2022

I had a dream of Bruce Lee last night. Bruce Lee with nunchuks. 

Life is good. Life is an adventure. Life is a learning experience. Life is an amusement ride. Let go, trust and relax knowing that God will take care of problems. Thank God for the gift of life. 

I went on a walk to the Empress Hotel grounds and then to the harbour. I visited Heather then I went to the market and got Haagen Daz strawberry cheesecake ice cream. 

In the afternoon, I went to the bank to get $5 I would need for bus fare. 

The rest of the day I spent at home. I still look at the weird Granny porn I look at prompting me to ask myself, "Is this is the brain that I have to work with for the rest of my life?" I even have a strange encyclopedic knowledge of Granny porn remembering titles of videos I looked at years ago and then searching for it much to my own dismay. Is this seriously the brain that I have to work with for the rest of my life? 

Pastor Joel Osteen said that God is in control of every detail of my life. Really? Even my porn watching details? 

Heather told me not to put myself down for smoking tobacco because that is a forum of self abuse. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2022

Today I went to the IMAX theatre and saw Train Time again. 

I went to the Empress Hotel and walked around. Their restaurants are closed today due to an unforeseen emergency. 

I went to Our Place Community Centre and had a lunch of macaroni and Caesar salad. 

I went to visit Heather and she was just leaving to go shopping when I saw her. The timing was exquisite! I went shopping with her. Then we went to Tim Horton's. 

Today I got a letter from my friend who is a Buddhist Priest. He said that my Royal dreams mean that something is looking out for me and protecting me. I did ask him about my Royal dreams in a previous letter. 

I do love Heather a lot. 

Today, walking home from Heather's when I was on Blanchard between View Street and Fort Stret, I heard a voice being me say, "You fucking fag! I'm going to strangle you. You're a dead man!" 

I thought, I'm not gay but what's wrong with gay people? Lots of gay people are decent and they are better than a heterosexual who would abuse his wife and children. 

I turned around and saw it was a crazy bearded guy carrying a garbage bag full of cans and bottles. I've seen him around these streets for years. I walked slowly and he walked right past me. If he was after me he would have attacked me there. The streets are full of pernicious delinquents. Steven St John said that if a person chooses evil, they attract evil spirits and when these people die, the evil spirits are always there to collect them. 

He probably talks like that all the time as people work in patterns. I don't know if the world is getting worse as there have always been crazy people. But the World is not getting better either. 

30 years ago, a gay person told me that he knew of someone who was always going around calling people gay and faggots. A few months later this person was seen spending time at a washroom where gay people frequent. 

Wednesday, November 23, 2022

I went to Uptown shopping center. I went to Shaw Cable and paid my internet bill. Then I went to WalMart and got a picture frame for a picture of Jesus that I got at Church. 

I then visited Heather. We went to Burger King. 

I returned home and watched the last episode of Andor. Andor's mother Maarva said to him through a message from his friend, "I love you more than any thing wrong that you would do." Also Dedra and Syril might be romantically involved. I think that Dedra is cute even though she is an evil government employee. 

I smoked some pot because I thought that cheque day is the day to smoke pot if any. I smoked late at night. There was the extreme paranoia but from experience, the paranoia is nowhere as bad as the paranoia when coming down off of crack cocaine. However I didn't feel nearly as paranoid as I did when I smoked pot last year after the chronic exhaustion, burnout and nervous breakdown when I thought that I wouldn't even last the next five minutes because I thought someone was going to kill me or else I thought I'd be dead in two weeks for sure. A year later, I'm still alive. 

"Dope will get you through times of no money better than money will get you through times of no dope." Fat Freddy and the Fabulous Freak Brothers

I had an extremely disturbing and unwanted thought about Mayor Lisa Helps. L from Lisa, E from Helps, S from Helps, the p could be inverted into a b from Helps, I from Lisa, A from Lisa and the H from Helps can be turned into a lower case h and truncated to form an 'n' and you get the word Lesbian as its a protracted embedded anagram. However, is she the only person in the world named Lisa Helps? Probably not. There's probably a few hundred people in the world with that name. A rose by any other name would still smell as sweet. 

My landlord said that Lisa Helps is probably a lesbian. I am unconcerned about whether she is a lesbian or not. I think she is a great Mayor and it doesn't matter what her personal lifestyle choice is as long as she could to the job. I think she did a great job. However, in the comments section of YouTube videos about her, lots of people don't seem to like her. 

If she is a lesbian, then her parents were rather prescient when they named her. 

That's common for a politician as politics isn't the glamour detail that it was in the 50s. It probably wasn't so much of a glamour detail even then. Every politician gets letters of opprobrium from certain segments of the public. You can't please all people all the time, you can't please some people all the time, you can't please all people some of the time, you can only please some people some of the time is the phrase that best fits the life of a politician. 

That also means that as a politician that you won't please all the people none of the time or none of the people none of the time. It does mean that you will please none of the people some of the time and some of the people none of the time. 

I wouldn't want to be a politician. A politician has to have a thick skin. Of course politicians are insulated by their multi million dollar homes, fine expensive cars, private jets in some cases, limo rides and meals at expensive restaurants. 

Thursday, November 24, 2022 

I woke up with no fear. Enough is enough. A lot of fear is all in the mind. A lot of things I worried about last year turned out to be either inaccurate or else things worked themselves out. I wasted a lot of time in fear and worry. I worried a lot about my nose, the bump in my left nostril. It eventually completely healed. 

I saw a disturbing video from Debbie Hellion today. The situation with her has deteriorated. She got bullet holes in her window! I'm thinking that it's people sending her a message that they don't like to be filmed. That's the number one cardinal rule of the downtown eastside. Don't film people. A lot of uploaders on YouTube don't exactly follow that rule and have made occasional sporadic short videos of the area there. But Debbie is the Queen of them all as she films constantly all the time and even uploads 11 hour videos of her camera trained on the streets. However, she is going to cut it however she cuts it. In my videos, they mostly feature no people or else sometimes a few people and quick shots. It's not like my camera is trained on them, ever. Most people don't like to be filmed without permission. I hope things turn out well for Debbie but I'm now kind of thinking that there is some possibility that she will be killed. She doesn't want to stop filming and she thinks filming in North Vancouver is boring compared to filming the downtown eastside. She also doesn't like the intensity of the tent city on her block. Yeah, it's difficult to find that sweet spot between boring and overly stressful. 

I don't know if it will ever get better in the downtown eastside because of entropy which is the tendency for the Universe to fall into increasing chaos and disorder. But things could get better. Cases in point, Hiroshima got better and cleaned up after the war, the Berlin Wall eventually went down and things got better, the Bronx of Charles Bronson's Deathwish cleaned up and got gentrified with lots of yuppie coffee shops. Vancouver once had riots of all kinds, Asian riots, Japan town riots, Gastown riots, heck, Stanley Cup riots but things did get better. 

I've offered many prayers for Debbie Hellion. When I go to Church I say a prayer for Debbie pretty much every time. I wonder if God hears the prayers. 

"God answers all prayers. Sometimes the answer is no." Angels and Demons the movie 

Sometimes I wonder if there is a God. If there isn't, we're all doomed. But God makes His presence known in subtle ways. God is a supreme intelligence that knows even when a sparrow falls to the ground. God reveals himself in the super spectacular dreams such as dreams of Angels, dreams where Jesus appears, dreams of Royalty sometimes vivid mostly of living Royals but sometimes of Royals who died before I was born, why would they appear so vividly in my dream? They died before I was born. How would they know of me? And also dreams of dead relatives who appear vivid and young and shiny and give out benign vibes. Dreams aren't imagination. They are a short cut to God. 

There is a God but first the individual has to exercise their free will to believe. Some people don't believe in God at all. With faith there is hope. Without God, all is hopeless and lost. 

Anyways, I hope things turn out all right for Debbie. I'm seriously worried that she will be killed. I mean, if it's at the point where multiple bullet holes are in her windows. What could or would the Police do about that? 

Debbie Hellion shared an article from rumble.com. The article is titled: Trudeau creates Death Squad: Canada Plans to Euthanize Perfectly Healthy Citizens. This means that me and thousands of others could be dead in the next couple of years. This article could be found googling: rumble Trudeau death squad. 

I wrote to Debbie about that. I wrote that cases would be triaged and chances are low that I'd be euthanized. I wrote that it is strange that a country that doesn't have capital punishment or execute people for drug possession like Singapore or Malaysia does would execute healthy people with mental illness. Oh well it's on the internet so it's got to be true.... 

The internet is a repository of flat Earthers and Alex Jones but since it's on the internet it must be true... *sarcasm

If I were to be euthanized it would circumvent years or possibly decades of poverty and SRO rooming house living. I don't have a wife and or children so it's not like I have that dynamic. I don't have anyone like that to live for. 

I live for the things I like about life and I will one day die for the things I never liked about life. The human species can be ghastly and wretched. Walking around coasting along normally and then all of a sudden unpleasant surprise time and time again. Or give out a certain kind of energy and get another and worse kind of energy in return. 

Being euthanized is better than dying painfully over the course of weeks, months or even years. I doubt that Trudeau would euthanize me. I can always move to another country before it happens and seek asylum on that basis. I'd move to Thailand. 

I saw the movie Black Adam at IMAX. It was a spectacular movie. Actions and stunning visuals. Not one boring moment. 

Friday, November 25, 2022

While time travel is time experienced on an objective level and traditional time reckoning is time experienced on a subjective level since the passage of time is an illusion as everything is happening simultaneously, the two models of time are not mutually exclusive algorithms. They are interdependent algorithms. These are not two algorithms but two halves of one algorithm like the two sides of a coin. 

Without the traditional reckoning of time, time travel would not be possible and also time travel would make no sense. 

Without time travel, traditional time would not be possible and also traditional time would make no sense.

Similarly with poverty and wealth. The two things are not mutually exclusive but are interdependent. Otherwise there would be nothing to distinguish or compare either of them. 

"That's not fair."

"What is your basis of comparison?" 

Labyrinth, movie

Essentially, the objective and the subjective experience of time cancel each other out so time is an illusion. Time really doesn't exist as reality is a simulation. The objective and the subjective experience of time cancel each other out which is why a time travel trip to the past that will happen tomorrow is a future event and a time travel trip to the future returned from yesterday is a past event. Things don't travel through time. Time travels through things. 

There are no answers. Any thought that is seemingly an answer becomes another wall in the trap that is life and existence. I don't have any hope in the future. I don't know why I even bother living. Suicide isn't an option at all as things could be worse in the afterlife after suicide. The only thing is to live which is bad otherwise commit suicide which is worse. The only two choices in existence are something bad or else something worse than that. I wish I never existed. I'm glad I never brought any children into this world otherwise they would have to face the bullshit no win situation that is existence with no answers as any answers eventually becomes something that reinforces the trap that is existence. I wish I died years ago, seeing what my life has become. Living up to now has been a waste of time. 

Saturday, November 26, 2022

I visited Heather today. Twice. 

Once to tell her that my neighbour who is a mutual friend of Heather and me is still in the hospital. He has been in the hospital since Thursday November 24. He has trochanteric bursitis or else a painful swelling of liquid on the side of his hip. He is my next door neighbor living next to me on the right. My other next door neighbor living to my left has elbow bursitis. He still has it. He is hesitant to go to see doctors about anything and once had a dental abscess for weeks before seeing a doctor. The Bursitis Brothers. I am living in the middle sandwiched between two people with bursitis. I hope I don't get it too. 

I visited Heather for the second time today. We went out on to the streets and saw the Christmas parade. Lots of floats festooned with lots of lights. 

After calling on the phone, we found out that our friend with trochanteric bursitis will be released from the hospital tomorrow at noon. I don't know if it's actually trochanteric bursitis. I'm just guessing. 

I watched a movie this evening called Angel Falls Christmas on CTV. I was at Heather's and she was flipping channels and this movie was on. I watched the first part of it with Heather and then I returned home to watch the rest. 

Sunday, November 27, 2022

I went to the Chinese Church this morning. The Reverend said where there is faith there is no fear. Fear says what can't happen. Faith says of God's will and presence. The Reverend also said to think of times in the past and present when God helped you and this will address fears of the future. 

The Chinese Church is very warm and I feel that I have true friends there. Good memories. 

I visited Heather this afternoon. We went to Burger King. Then we went to the Community Centre and to Save On Foods. I got 8 Nanaimo bars for $8.49. Chunkys chicken and sausage gumbo with rice was $4.50 for one can but $5 for two cans. Heather bought two cans. One for me and one for she. 

I went to Church a second time. The Church had an advent service. It was mostly dark but lit with hundreds of candles giving it an 18th century Barry Lyndon look. One thing. Towards the end of the service, one Oriental lady was glaring at me. Staring at me and she had a stern look. I looked away but at the moment felt fear. She looked really stern. The place was dark so she might not have been looking at me but at the lit hallway to the side of me which had people and paintings. That stern look of hers. It felt like a stare down. That led my worry prone mind to worry and ruminate about it ever since. I looked away and when I looked back, she wasn't looking at me anymore. She sat between her two White and old grey haired parents. Her parents looked old and doddering. I think she has it in for me! However I doubt I will ever see her again. My friend who is a junkie told me about 20 years ago that I worry so much that I would even worry about a look someone gave me. Well, old habits die hard. 

I returned home and am spending the evening in fear. It is 7:45 as I write this. I am listening to Allan Holdsworth, Frank Gamble and the Mark Barney Project album called Truth In Shredding. It is calming me down. The song Humpty Dumpty is really good. 

I thought of smoking pot today but if you haven't smoked for a long time and smoke again, the first two hours are excruciating. I don't like it. Then I start coming down and feel a warm loving connection with all of life. Music sounds super good. But I don't want this to be a crutch. So I'm probably not going to smoke tonight. Sunday nights and welfare Wednesday aka cheque day are good days to smoke. Music sounds good on Sunday nights after Church anyways. I don't know why. For me Church is like a drug. It weaves its spell making music sound good for the rest of the day for some reason. 

My friend with the trochanteric bursitis hasn't returned from the hospital yet. 

Irene Cara of Flash dance died. RIP. She is eternally young. 

Last night I almost died. This morning I woke up smelling a burning smell. My heater is near my bed. Not right next to it but close. For some reason my blanket fell on the heater. My blanket never fell there before ever. A ghost yanked it off! Anyways the heater had a safe switch and turned itself off. I tried turning it on and it wouldn't turn on again. I thought that I would have to go to Walmart and shell out a hefty $70 for a new heater. That would totally blow my budget. I plugged it in ten minutes later and the heater  worked again! I wonder what would have happened if it was a 70s model heater. I would have died! I would have woken up with my room half on fire. Maybe the heater doesn't always shut off and it was angels that protected me as it is not my time. Well, that's how today went. I placed my heater far from my bed. My blanket had a hot spot but no burning or singe marks. Seeing what happened, my heater is certainly CSA approved. Thank God for the CSA. Before the CSA, for instance, plug in Christmas tree lights would often burn Christmas trees. CSA Canadian Standards Association. 

My heater has written on it, Do Not Cover. 

After this happened this morning, I turned on YouTube first thing in the morning and one of the recommended videos was titled: Angels In Your House. 

My electric heater. 

I think that I'll probably spend the rest of my life in fear and worry unless something drastically good happens for me. Maybe I'll get a miracle as that is what it would take to relieve me of my fear, worry and anxiety. I worry about my future. 

No one reads my blog anyways. The reason is TL;DR or too long; didn't read. 

Allan Holdsworth albums:

Atavachron - is a machine from Star Trek that prepares a person's brain and bodily molecules for time travel. As a consequence, once a person returns back to the time they traveled from, they will die. 

Wardenclyffe Tower - It is the tower that Nicola Tesla built in 1903 that was supposed to give free electrical energy to the World until that tower was demolished by the JP Morgan corporation that wanted to charge people money for electrical energy. 

Wardenclyffe tower. 

Monday, November 28, 2022

Woke up worried and overthinking. Old age is the punishment that awaits all, even the most righteous unless you consider the alternative which is dying young and that's also a punishment. Existence is therefore a no win situation. 

After getting over the reality that there is no Santa and no Easter Bunny, heaven is the final fable for adults. No one knows what happens after death. Whether it's religion or NDEs, heaven is a fable that is advanced by a money making industry designed to assuage humans deepest fears when no one knows at all what happens after death. I still believe in God and Jesus as its better than the alternative which is atheism or agnosticism. 

I do believe that the afterlife is a spiritual world but is the same World we go to in our dreams. The dream world is a living World with very specific architecture and settings too specific and too detailed that I couldn't and wouldn't have imagined it for any reason. It is heaven comparably because as spirits we don't have to eat or sleep or worry about a physical death to endure in the future because as spirits there is no amygdala or hypothalamus that we are connected to but there is still the critical faculty which is a part of consciousness itself. So it is a heaven but then again it isn't. There are no absolutes in the single dimension Universe or even multidimensional multiverse. 

Organized religion. I have a few problems with that. All religions claim to have the monopoly on truth. Even sects within a religion such as Protestant vs Catholic. At its worst you have what went on in Ireland for decades. Religions advance the fable that there is heaven and all without a shred of empirical evidence. It's a money making racket and for some families it runs back generations. Grandparents, parents, sons and daughters and grandchildren all of them preachers and priests. The issue is to address the needs at hand which is how to make a living. Advance the idea of heaven to make a living while living and while no one can possibly know what happens after death, that's not the issue at the present moment. It isn't something they have to worry about right now. The thing to worry about right now is how to make money to survive and hopefully live a rich life. 

Where's the empirical evidence of heaven. "The Bible says so." That's not empirical evidence. That's hearsay evidence and the Bible is a relic from the Bronze Age. The Bible is therefore an anachronism. People in the Bronze Age didn't know about DNA and germ theory. They didn't know that there were any planets in general let alone specifically that exist outside the solar system. They didn't know about dinosaurs and the Chicxulub asteroid that killed the dinosaurs. 

The idea of heaven is a Pavlov's dog. Be good, also give money to the Church and you'll go to heaven. If not then you won't. I choose to be good for its own sake not knowing for sure that there is a heaven. There might be but I don't really know that. All I know is the batshit crazy place I go to in my dreams. I think that's where I'll go to in the afterlife but the extended version of that where there is no end or maybe even in that world my spirit will eventually fade away like a battery that slowly drain over time. As for heaven, I doubt it. There are no absolutes. Like Deadpool said, "It's difficult to step it up from that." A place of perfect 100% bliss etc. The novelty soon enough wears off, the critical faculty is active and boredom sets in even with the 100% bliss and then how do you step it up from that? In the multidimensional law of relativity, how can you know pleasure without knowing pain, how can you know bliss without knowing stress? Stress and challenges although much hated is the only thing that gives us strength and makes us grow. First the test then the lesson is life whereas in school it's first the lesson then the test. Heaven? I somewhat doubt it and where's the empirical evidence of that? Through scientific implication, heaven is impossible due to the cosmic necessity of relative comparisons and constructs. You can't know pleasure without knowing pain etc. How evil it is of religion to teach something that simply can not be proven. Life is a bullshit trap, the afterlife is a bullshit trap, therefore existence on any dimension is a bullshit trap. 

"The greatest boon may be to have never been born." Sophocles

I still go to Church and follow religion because life isn't much more or much less crazy and life isn't much more or much less of a bullshit trap with or without doing so. Being religious is good for the spirit and it's good for my psychological health as well. 

I don't know that there is a heaven. But I also don't know that there isn't. I just have to trust God and trust the preachers. 

Also me moving to this town is a mistake. I should be in Vancouver, even in the downtown eastside. As Cate Blanchette said in the special features on the Nightmare Alley Blu ray, "The carnival is a world that everyone knows has cunning and deceit but there is a sense of community amongst the people and they look out for one another. The middle and upper class world is one where everyone seems proper and knows there place but within in that is a world that is much more dangerous." This town has more middle and upper class people. Perhaps it's better to live in the downtown eastside and I've made a mistake moving here. Vancouver also has a nude beach. This town is too stuck up and uptight and too backwater to have a nude beach. 

One of these years, I'm going to move back to Vancouver. 

Today I went to Canadian Tire and got Ortho animal repellant spray foe all kinds of animals including raccoons, rats and mice. Then I went to the food court and got rice with two items including tofu and bbq pork. I also got a glass of water for free since I'm on a budget. 

On YouTube Breaking in the Habit has a video called 18 Minutes of useless Catholic trivia. The video said if you pray to St Servatius of Tongeren, that will help with any problems with mice and rats. Just as praying to St Anthony will help turn up any lost items. I lost a grey and red USB flash drive years ago. I didn't throw it away so it's in my room somewhere. 

On the bus on the way to Canadian Tire, I saw an old Chinese man wearing a blue jacket with the England soccer crest on it. I thought to myself, "I'm too fucked in the head to go to England and may be that way for life. I have fear of the future, depression and anxiety. No one in England knows of me or wants to see me anyways. Besides I'm too fucked in the head to ever go." My old Chinese landlord, James Wu, from years ago said to me," You're mentally ill." I agree with him. He's right. 

James Wu also said to me on several occasions, "You'll be all right." Once I said to him, "If I ever go to Hong Kong I don't think I can learn the Chinese script." He said to me,  "You're smart enough to learn that."

Travelling is a hassle. Expensive. Overpriced even. Hurry up and wait. Wait for the bus to go to the airport. Wait while onboard bus to get to airport. Wait at airport for plane to arrive. Wait on plane to get to destination. Wait for bus to go to hotel in downtown where ever. Wait at hotel at night to go tourist sightseeing. Wait to go from hotel to tourist sightseeing place. Wait for bus to take you to airport to return home etc etc. Sitting in coach in awful. Cramped. Airline food can be quite good but can be awful too. First class, who can afford it? Overpriced for what you're getting which is just a glorified waiting area. Traveling would be bad for someone with major anxiety and fear and depression and OCD and all around mental illness. 

Any place that can be traveled to can be seen on a YouTube video. Travel overseas, go stay at a hostel and listen to someone play Wonderwall on an acoustic guitar. Uh, no thanks. 

Watching season 1 of Andor was a waste of time. No lightsabers. Not even one. Disney is so gung ho about having a lightsabers factory at Galaxys Edge and they do a Star Wars TV series with no lightsabers. I wouldn't have so much a problem about a Star Wars TV series with no stormtroopers. Going to Galaxys Edge and saying, "I want a lightsabers like the one that was in the Andor television series." isn't an option now. 

Eternals had good choreography when in the first few minutes of the movie they fought the Deviants with those weapons. Just as good if not better than Star Wars. Andor didn't have any of that. Complete waste of time. 

Even Rogue One didn't have any Jedi lightsabers. Only a Sith lightsabers and only for a few seconds. More Star Wars waste of timery. Franchise fatigue. Law of diminishing returns. 

Star Wars is like porn. Nothing left to the imagination. There's no mystery to it anymore. The once mysterious Kessel Run has been fleshed out and that plastic CGI standard issue mass produced spectacle turned out to be anticlimactic to the legend. The Star Wars franchise is scraping the bottom of the barrel. At this point, why not do a Star Wars movie or television series about the baker, the laundromat, and even the undertaker who works in the Imperial government or else on any random already established planet or on any newly created planet pulled out of their Star Warsian ass in the Star Wars Universe. 

DVD Overlord on YouTube talks about the new Indiana Jones movie. It's worse than the Crystal Skull. Unlike Indy with the golden idol from the cave in South America, the main takeaways from this movie is there is a golden time clock aka time machine. Indiana Jones is an archaeologist. I don't know about you but every time I think of an archaeologist, I think of a time machine. Then the girl takes Indiana Jones get up including hat and jacket and pants and bullwhip and she becomes the new Indiana Jones. She couldn't even have her own individual set up of clothes. She becomes a Marlene Dietrich pants wearing Indiana Jones. So essentially, the character of Indiana Jones gets a sex change. That'd be like some guy taking over and wearing Wonder-Woman's unitard, red knee high boots plus golden lasso and calling himself Wonder-Man. 

The girl is Marcus Brody's granddaughter. The actor who portrayed Marcus Brody, Denholm Elliott was gay and died of AIDS. But anyways... 

If someone who was gay and died of Aids could have a grand daughter, anyone can. 

Denholm Elliott's best lines in Trading Places were, "What a scumbag." and "Just be yourself. They can't take that away from you."

Oh, whatever. The world is getting worse and worse. The golden era of movies is over. Seeing how life turned out, I wish I died years ago. 

I admire people who committed suicide. Or else I wouldn't judge them or stigmatize them at all. They might have been prescient enough to see how life would get worse and had the good sense not to stick around. 

I just don't have to watch the new Indiana Jones movie at all or to watch the movie at the theatre more than once. It's not like I'm legally required to. And I won't purchase the DVD or blu ray either. 

However, I watched Raiders of the Lost Ark and Temple of Doom more than once at the theatre. 

I wish God in his infinite mercy would give me a quick and massage stroke or heart attack when I am sleeping so I could die quickly and painlessly in my sleep. Trudeau will have his euthanasia program next year. All anyone who is depressed and has had enough of life and simply doesn't see a good future for themself can just sign up to get euthanized like Bender the suicide machine in Futurama. 

My neighbour with trochanteric bursitis was released from the hospital today completely healed, walking and in no pain. 

I feel paranoid that I'd be attacked or killed when I'm smoking pot. But I don't feel that nearly as much when I'm not smoking pot. If I don't feel that not smoking pot, then why would I feel that while smoking pot? Why would the chance of that drastically increase when I'm smoking pot and why would the chance of that drastically decrease when I'm not smoking pot? 

Smoking pot regularly costs money. And t makes me an addict. Pastor Joel Osteen said that addiction is bad. It can be a crutch. But smoking pot doesn't change the fact that my future will probably be dismal and one not worth living. I wish my mother never gave me birth. 

I write a poem to my mother: 

To me you mothered

You shouldn't have bothered. 

Tuesday, November 29, 2022

I visited Heather. She gave me some roast chicken. I went to the Market and got some ground beef. 

I went home and after some time, I had a teeny tiny toke of weed. Since I don't smoke often, I was stoned for hours. 

I used to smoke every day. Weed isn't the same drug that it used to be. I worry about the future. My life isn't and was never perfect. The perfect life is to be like Pastor Joel Osteen. He does no drugs, he got married and is rich and successful like a yuppie. My life is far from that. I've had issues with drugs, I never got married and am certainly not rich and successful. If I knew my life would turn out like this, I wouldn't have bothered. 

If I don't smoke pot once in awhile, things are edgy and boring. But it's best not to go overboard on smoking pot otherwise one gets broke. Smoking pot makes me feel undisciplined and addicted therefore imperfect. A perfect person isn't addicted to anything at all. It's too late for me to be perfect like Pastor Joel Osteen. I would have to have started when I was young. 

To quote Tobias Beecher on the television series Oz, "I really fucked up my life."

There are people who have done a lot of drugs, massive amounts of drugs. So much so that it makes me look like a choir boy. 

Pat Rodegast who wrote Emmanuel's Book wrote something like: A person builds a statue depicting someone of an impossibly high standard. Every day that person goes to the statue and compares themself with the statue asking, "Am I as perfect as you?" No wonder that person is unhappy! 

The movie Che starring Benecio del Toro about Che Guavara said something like, "Capitalism is a system where those who work hard get rewarded. However people are held back and controlled by forces they don't see."

Like different religions are all paths that lead to the same God, Right Wing and Left Wing governments are different paths that seek the same ends which is advancement and preservation of a favored class while suppressing others of a non favored class. It's a crooked table which is one argument against living and life. 

Easy ways to make money are legal for Governments and Royalty while illegal for regular people. Things such as insider trading, money laundering, running a lottery etc. Along with providing jobs, conflicts such as the Ukraine and Russia war can be an excellent opportunity for money laundering. 

The Ukraine war is about artificial scarcity and price fixing of grain and also a front for money laundering. My landlord said, "Canada produces more grain in one day than Ukraine did in its entire history!" 

"Do you think I'm crazy?" 

"A little."

"Some craziness is good."

Che, starring Benecio del Toro

Wednesday, November 30, 2022

I visited sweet Heather today. She gave me a pepperoni stick. She is my sweetness and I love my sweetness. 

In the afternoon, I went to the IMAX and saw Arctic Wilderness in 3D. On the way there, I saw my friend Laura from the Presbyterian Church. She was at the bus stop waiting for a bus. 

Today Christine McVie of Fleetwood Mac died. She was a Legend. RIP

Today on YouTube I saw a shorts video about a talking crows. I didn't know that crows could talk. Apparently crows, ravens and magpies could talk. Mynah birds are already known for talking. 

Birds came from dinosaurs. I think a lot of dinosaurs could talk. They must have had some sort of talking language. Dinosaurs were around for 130 million years while humans have only been around for about 200,000 to less than a million years at most.