April 2022

April 1, 2022

Today is my 11th anniversary of arriving in this town. 

And I don't know if I'm saying it like it's a good thing. 

Life is a trap. All friendships are traps. Better no friends than all friends who are traps in one way or another. What was once an escape is now a trap. 

I myself am a trap to myself. The mesocortical which is the basis of intellectual addictions and compulsions, the nigrastriatal which is the basis of movement based addictions and compulsions and habits and the mesolimbic which is the basis of hunger and sex drive and addiction to chemicals like nicotine or marijuana or alcohol all form what is a trap to oneself.

I live in a neighborhood where all my neighbours are traps. 

I won't commit suicide but I sometimes wish my life had ended years ago and I'm already on the other side. 

But NDE stories, Raymond Moody, Brian Weiss, it's all a cult. A money making racket. There is no heaven. The afterlife is just as chaotic as life on Earth. One might go to heaven for a short time and then they wear out their welcome in heaven and then it's back to a chaotic existence of random entropic forces. The World is only getting worse and worse. 

I'm not 100% glad that I was born. Far from it. I'm glad I didn't bring anyone into this world only for them to come to all these conclusions that life is a trap, friendships are a trap, don't commit suicide but otherwise living is a waste of time and life only gets worse and the world only gets worse as time goes on. The human species is a wretched and loathsome species. Best not to perpetuate that. 

I thank God for the gift of life but at the same time, I hope that God ends my life as soon as possible because life is as useless to me as I am to it. Life is a trap. All friendships are traps. There is not one friend in the World that isn't a trap and this is from over 50 years of living and experience. 

It's a no win situation. Suicide is ghastly and wretched but living life ongoing is an insufferable trap. The only thing is like the Japanese said, To endure the unendurable and to go on living even though life is bullshit and a trap. 

All of existence be it in this life or the afterlife is a trap. There is no escape either in this dimension or the other. 

Life isn't that much of a trap. God and Jesus and the Angels have what is called an unconditional positive regard towards us. God loves us very much. More than we love ourselves. There is a God. Life's challenges are a lesson to learn from and overcome. 

I talked to my handicapped lady friend and felt better. She is very sweet. She is more together than I am in a lot of ways. 

I could go on working for her helping her and hoping that she gets better and walks again. 

A 51, nearly 52 year old me on April 1, 2022.

I still have the problem with the bump, the scabbing abd the hard unremovable snot issue in my left nares or nostril. The other day I picked at it and there was some bleeding. The blood vessels in the bridge of the nose is called Kiesselbach's plexus and it can bleed if ruptured. 

The doctors told me not to worry about it. 

In a couple months I will go to the walk-in clinic to have it looked at or even go to the otorhinolaryngologist or ENT ear nose throat doctor again. 

Update: October 2022. The bump has been gone for two months. Completely gone. Completely healed. 

In my next life, I would like to be born in Vancouver in 1945 as a White man. I would be 5 years old in 1950 and old enough to start seeing the golden age of Vancouver which was from 1950 -  1990. That was Vancouver at its most beautiful. The music on the radio was beautiful and real estate was cheap enough that anyone could afford an apartment in Vancouver even if you worked at a minimum wage job full time. A librarian or schoolteacher could easily afford to purchase or else rent a house to stay in. After 1990 it all fell apart. The 1950s and 1960s was Vancouver at its most magical time. 

It would be best to be White and speaking English. However it would be better to be someone who wasn't White but otherwise doing well financially and living a respectable life than it was to be White and on skid row and be really drunk all the time. 

Look at Fred Herzog's photographs and pictures from the Vancouver archives and you will see how magical Vancouver looked in the 50s and 60s and 70s. 

There are no rules to reincarnation and I think one can reincarnate to a time before one was born in this lifetime. I was born in 1970 in this lifetime. In the next lifetime, I should be born in 1945 in Vancouver. If I was born in 1945, I would be 77 today, that's if I'm still alive. Most people don't make it to age 77, I'd say less than 50% of people make it to 77 years old. 

I would rather be born as a man than as a woman. A woman has to worry about getting pregnant and also getting fucked by men which would be ghastly and wretched. I really can't see how or why any woman would want to get fucked by men so I count myself really lucky and miraculous that I was able to get it on with as many women as I have. I can see how men are attracted to women. I don't see how women could be attracted to men. I guess women think that if they don't get it on with men, then the whole species would vanish in one generation. I guess on nights they get it on, they might say, "Hurry up and get it over with. Wheel of Fortune is on in five minutes." or else "Just lie back and think of England."

Imagine me being born in 1945 and living in Vancouver during the 50s and the 60s. Of course I'd be 60 in 2005 when the internet really got going and when YouTube started. But seeing the way my career on the internet turned out, low view count, no money for my work and lots and lots of snarky comments, I wouldn't count not going on the internet except as an observer because I'd be too old a loss. In the 50s and 60s, the principal forms of home entertainment were listening to radio, watching black and white TV, and reading a book. If you were lucky, you could have a record player or a basic mono cassette player. 

Saturday, April 2, 2022

I want to see Dune part two in 2023 and Dune part three or Dune Messiah in 2025. 

Boring life. Fishbowl esistence. Each week is a hamster wheel. I wonder if this "scene" will be forever or if I will move to a different scene. In a few years at the latest, I want to move back to Vancouver. 

All my problems, like the East Indians say, "Each and every thing" will be solved one day. I have seen it. All these minor problems added up are slowly but surely one at a time being solved. 

I don't know if God is helping me. Hebrews 11 said that faith is the evidence of things unseen and is the substance of things hoped for. I often think that we are all alone in a Universe of random entropic forces and there really is no God as such helping us and that religion is a huge money making racket designed to divide people as per the government imperative, divide and conquer, as well it uses bronze age mythology stories to address and calm people's greatest fears like being alone in the World and what happens after death. I need to see proof or a major sign that I can not dispute ever after that there is a God and one who is helping me. Otherwise life would be one of despair. 

Pastor Joel Osteen has a very good heart, bless him but I wonder if he speaks of an ideal rather than a reality. He speaks of a God who looks after us, but is that really true? I still thank God for the gift of life a hundred times a day which is better than thinking, "My life is going nowhere. I'm better off dead." a hundred times a day. 

If one is poor and living in a rooming house, to feel hopeless and despair and bored and depressed is one thing. If one is living in a rich multi million dollar mansion and feeling hopeless and despair and bored and depressed, that situation would be truly insufferable and inescapable. If one is poor, one could imagine being rich is an escape or possibility of liberation from despair. If one is very rich and still feeling despair, where's the escape? 

It's all relative. To someone in a third world slum, someone living in a rooming house in the first world would seem very rich. 

Most people in the World live in small towns. There are about 50 small towns to every one big city. Most small towns are smaller than the small town I live in now and even more of a fishbowl existence hamster wheel but the people there seem to be happy and not depressed or bored. People in small towns escape within through learning, from reading books or watching YouTube videos. 

Today I got a tweezers with a slanted edge to pick out the hard mucus from my nose. I also got some Ear Rx flexible ear cleaners for my earwax except it didn't work. Whenever I burp or yawn, my left ear clicks a bit at the bottom. Maybe it will go away in time. I suspect it's a structural issue. I use earplugs for sleeping. Too much pressure from one of my earplugs. I got one shorter earplug to decrease the pressure. I found it on the street. Or else it's headphones always pressing on an area on my ear. Over ten years of wearing headphones all the time. That's me. The ear cleaners were $10. Pricey. I wasted $10 or maybe not. I can always use these in the future. I might put it in the backpack that I never completely unpacked since I moved into town eleven years ago anticipating that I will be moving from this hotel one day perhaps to another town, perhaps back to Vancouver. In Dawson Creek I had a bag that I never unpacked expecting to move. The day I move in to some place and unpack the usually unpacked bag then I would be expecting to settle there and never move. But does that ever happen? I always wind up moving eventually. But why pack something that only costs $10 to replace? 

The clicking makes me think there is earwax there, but there isn't. It could be a bit of water trapped in the eardrum. In that case it will go away in time. My other ear is completely fine. I first noticed this last Thursday. I probably had this before in the past but didn't notice it. Before, I would tilt my head and pour water into my ear. Then I closed my eyes tightly and gripped my nostrils and close my mouth tightly and exhale. I could hear air bubbles going up in the ear I poured water into. This worked before. But not this time. Otherwise it's not painful in the slightest. Pain would mean a more serious problem. 

Depression is a lot about focus. Focus instead on the good things in your life rather than on things that aren't working out. One can talk themselves into or out of boredom and depression. I thought of saying to Suzie, "Our friendship is going nowhere. Our friendship is a trap." If someone said that to me, I'd say, "I would have thought that our friendship makes your life less of a trap. I would have thought our friendship is a fresh breath of air that gets you away from what otherwise might be a trap. But you can think what you want. Either way, I don't blame you."

Today I took my handicapped lady friend Heather to the food court at a mall that is close. We went to Edo's Japanese food stall. Now I'm wheeling her around  outdoors for a few minutes a day so she wouldn't be stuck in her apartment for 24 hours a day. I get a bit of what is called a helper's high. 

In my depression I should remember that when I am alone, I am alone with my self but what kind of self is it? I should take comfort in that it is a stronger and much kinder self thanks to helping my handicapped lady friend than the self I was with two years ago. Also a self that went through a global pandemic and emerged from the other side. To go through despair, burnout and PTSD makes you a stronger person than you would have otherwise been without having gone through the burnout and PTSD. 

I didn't want to admit this, but my anxiety returned this evening. But after drinking Yogi tea Restful Sleep, my anxiety calmed down. I'm worried about a lot of things. My left ear rattling with no ear wax in it. The hard unremovable mucus in my left nostril. 

Crazy people in this hotel, the work for my handicapped lady friend that has no end in sight, a $15 Google Play card returned to me which after I peeled off the sticker, the 16 digit number wasn't available. Peel off the sticker right away. If you wait four months, the 16 digit code becomes faded to the point of invisible. That's $15 down the drain. The forces of life always have a way of kicking me in the teeth. The store got their share of the $15. The Google play company got their share of the $15. I'm the one left holding the bag after spending $15 and getting nothing. Damn the wretched forces of life. 

My life is a mess. Joel Osteen and YouTube videos from LOA tips etc say that life will get better. Life never gets better. It either stays the same or gets worse. I give up on life yet I have to go on living. That's quite the juggling act to simultaneously give up on life and to go on living at the same time. 

Update: I could faintly see the 16 digit code. Good thing I remembered it because I since used a coin to scratch the surface but then completely wiped out the first 4 digits. But I tried again and what I thought was an 8 was a 6 and then it worked! So the forces of life aren't too bad after all. 

Nick Nilson, a preacher in Pastor Joel Osteen's Church said, "God loves you more than your worst mistake." I wonder what kinds of history some of Pastor Joel Osteen's parishioners have? A lot of people had bad mistakes like spending years in supermax level of mistakes. My cousin Tom once told me that some people who go to Church once killed someone in the past. Would God forgive them? There's killing such as running someone over with a car accidentally and completely without intent. That's manslaughter. But what about intentional crime of passion and not crime of opportunity malice aforethought level of killing? Would God still forgive something like that? Apparently the justice system forgives them because they got paroled or else did their time and got released. Or what about a soldier who killed in the line of duty and killed multiple people like Sylvester Stallone's or else David Morrell's Rambo? Would God forgive multiples even? Ask a Police Officer I guess. They know more about this than any civilian ever would. 

In any skid row welfare rooming house someone with stories of having been a soldier in the past and doing people in are common. True or not, who knows? A lot of people might make up a story like that which is also common as well. Delusional or what? 

I reserved a movie at the Library called The Informer. A Police agent infiltrates a supermax prison in order to get answers in order to solve a crime. It seems intriguing. How someone can do that without going through a full panic attack and anxiety and PTSD, I don't know. I sure couldn't do something like that. I am prone to anxiety. There have been a few movies like that. I think Sylvester Stallone and Jackie Chan starred in movies like that. 

Sunday, April 3

Anxiety ruled most of my day. Very much in anxiety today. Pervasive worries about the future. I went to Church. On the way out, I met a parishioner who was a bit of a nutty lady. 

In the afternoon I drank Restful Sleep tea and felt better. Could I be addicted to that tea? A Native female security guard told me that drinking tea everyday is not an addiction. It's good for you. I try not to drink that every day. I hope that the anxiety isn't there with me for life. Anxiety activates my OCD and I pick up garbage off the streets, cigarette butts, roaches and throw them in the garbage. The roaches not so much. I have a collection of almost a year's worth of roach picking. A half sized Ziploc bag full. In the early 70s, when a roach could have sent one to prison, at one time, one could do serious time for that. I keep the roaches for the day I decide to smoke pot regularly again. One bag of roaches isn't much. They have the cardboard filters attached to them which would add to the weight. They'd be a lot less heavier if I removed the cardboard filters. 

One can legally have up to three pounds of weed in their home in Canada now. Dispensaries have pounds and pounds of it on inventory at any given time. 

Weed gives me fear and paranoia. Until I get used to it. At that point, I'd be addicted to it. The only way out is my death. I wonder if I'll live to 60. One is ten times more likely to die in their 50s than in their 40s and ten times again in their 60s as in their 50s. Same with age 70. At age 80, one is virtually 100% guaranteed to die before age 90. 

I reflected that if there can be craziness and evil there must exist the opposite which is pure love and sanity or else clarity. One can not know light unless they know of dark. It's all relative. Light and happiness is rare as all precious things like gold and jewels is rare. Most of the time it's depression anxiety and despair but once in awhile one actually feels blissful and happy. It's these rare moments that one should treasure. It's a fact of life that no one is happy all the time. There is bound to be some down crappy days for everyone. It's a bad day, not a bad life. It's a bad moment, not a bad day. On most crappy days there are moments of hopefulness and optimism. 

My left ear clicking is gone but the bump of hard unremovable mucus is still there in my left nostril. I worry about it but a doctor told me not to stress about it. The fucidin antibacterial cream the ENT doctor prescribed me didn't work. I'm going to the walk in clinic again to get another referral to the ENT doctor. Maybe a different one closer to me. With my nose the way it is, I wonder if I'll live to 60?

When one is in their early 20s, if one lives to 30, that's no problem. 

If one is in their early 50s, if one lives to 60, well 60 is an old and depressing age. There's no way to win. The only thing worse than being 60 is to die young. At some point, all of life becomes a lose lose situation. When one has children, that's the curse of life they give to their children. 

I hope that God gives me a fresh new perspective on life. 

With Suzie it's a paradox or dilemma. I feel heartbreak if I miss her yet I have a strong sense that it's a superficial shallow friendship that's going nowhere. It's a weight on my shoulders. Such friendships make life a trap.

My only options are to move back to Vancouver but the only place I could afford to live is the downtown eastside and that's a non-starter. Otherwise it's every other town in BC which is a backwater jerkwater shithole. Forget that. This town is the second largest in BC next to Vancouver and this town is halfway well developed. But this is a small town next to Vancouver. Maybe a miracle will happen and I will move to a nice neighborhood in Vancouver one day. The future is full of surprises. As long as one can dream, the future is still alive. 

One takes their personality with them. Even if one got brought to a rich house, all of a sudden has a rich car and has a state of the art big screen TV and boss Bose speakers, an $800 tablet, etc. For the first little while, they will be elated and happy. But after some time, the depression, boredom and anxiety would set it again. I myself experienced this. At one time I lived in the downtown eastside of Vancouver. Then I moved to Dawson Creek which is a very small backwater town. Then I moved to Victoria BC which is way cleaner than the downtown eastside and a lot larger and more developed than Dawson Creek. This town has seaside views whereas Dawson Creek has no seaside views. In this town I got a big screen TV, a PC and tablets which is something that in the 1990s or before, one would have to win the lottery to get. Still I feel anxiety and boredom and depression. 

It could be like that when one gets to heaven. One dies, goes to heaven and after some time, they get bored with heaven and depressed and have anxiety. At that point they would wear out their welcome in heaven and have to reincarnate again. 

Someone on YouTube, the Swedenborg Institute, said that in the afterlife, one could meet angels and feel the love and bliss of angels. But after awhile a lot of people feel that this is too much for them and separate from the angels. 

Brian Weiss said that there are many planets in the Universe. A lot of them have lifeforms and cicilizations which  are more evolved then Earth. And a lot have lifeforms and civilizations a lot less evolved than the Earth. The most evolved person on Earth could reincarnate to a more evolved World but at that point they would be the least evolved person in that World until they reincarnate in that world a few times. Some of the most evolved people on Earth, even though they don't have to, voluntarily choose to return to Earth to teach and to guide others. 

In the ultimate end, all beings reach the highest most evolved level and achieve a union with God. 

In the movie Taxi Driver, Wizard said, "Don't worry so much. Relax Killer, you're gonna be all right. I know I seen a lot of people and uh, I know." 

Monday, April 4

I went to the walk in clinic to get another referral to the ENT doctor. Te alk in clinic doctor said that the referral was good for 6 months and that I could go to the ENT doctor directly for another appointment. I didn't know about the 6 month referral. 

I looked for Yogi Tea Restful Sleep. Sold out at two stores. It's very popular. It couldn't be from my blog because no one reads this. 

I got my girlfriend a half roast chicken today. 

Very rainy, windy and hailing today with intermittent spots of sunshine. 

Tuesday, April 5, 2022

Spiritualists say time does not exist in the afterlife. Time is of a different modality there. Remembering that time travel is time experienced on an objective level and that Einstein said that everything is happening at the same time, in the afterlife, one could experience something that takes a second yet a thousand years will have passed on Earth or else experience something that seems to have taken an entire lifetime in the afterlife, yet only a few minutes would have passed on Earth. 

Therefore if a time machine was invented, one could be sent on an adventure that lasts for a year and then be returned about 5 seconds later from when they were sent away. Or one could go on a trip that lasts for a few days and then be returned a couple of years later from when they were sent away. 

Time is a very flexible algorithm with many modalities and with no fixed modalities. 

In the movie Interstellar, even though Cooper went on a trip that lasted for less than a day, when he returned, it was about 70 years later. This is called Einsteinian time dilation. 

Hold on to life. Trust God even when it seems that he isn't there. He is there. God works in mysterious ways. 

The good times in life are there to enjoy. The bad times in life are there for learning and to help the spirit grow stronger and more evolved. 

I often think I'm crazy or else going crazy. I don't want to be crazy. I want to be normal. I see crazy people in this town who worry me. Mainly I see them that's all. They are just walking normally. It's just that I built up predisposed worries about them. Most of the time they are saying nothing and if they are freaking out or yelling, it's not at me. They are just freaking out and yelling in general. 

May God give me the strength to handle the thousand and one details in my life as sometimes I feel overwhelmed. 

The things I write on the internet are crazy. Things have gotten out of control. I wish I was more sane, more normal. I will try to be even more normal as time goes on. 

Psalm 48:14 For that is what God is like. He is our God forever and ever, and he will guide us until we die.

There are no absolutes. The future won't be totally bad but it won't be totally good either. I don't know the future. I will be surprised. Overall, things usually turn out better than expected. That is, usually. 

Last year I thought I was doomed and wouldn't last a month. Since then I had a lot of mind blowing surprises that I never imagined would happen like getting Bose speakers and visiting the Star Cinema in Sidney BC. 

Miracle. A few hours after writing the last paragraph, I found a Pokémon card. It was a trainer named Sidney which reminds me of Sidney BC. 

I haven't seen sweet Suzie. I might not see her again for quite a long time if ever again. The friendship is going nowhere. I don't know where it was supposed to go in the first place. For me to think that the friendship should go somewhere is to place undue expectations. 

I used to walk her to her car. But I wonder why? Walking a lady to her car regularly is something I'd only do for a girlfriend, not a casual friend. Suzie then always gives me a virtual hug and not an actual hug. Most women in my life give me actual hugs. The whole energy is off. 

Then when I walk Suzie to her car, Suzie would have to go somewhere else first and I'd walk with her. Last week when I did this, her friend Carol said, "If you walk with Suzie then I'd feel rejected." That was too much. I only mainly want to walk with Suzie. Or else I did. Now I just don't care anymore. 

Last week when I missed Suzie, it broke my heart. But that was an off energy that signalled the beginning of the end. Just like when Cynthia Jones missed John Lennon at the train station, that was the beginning of the end of their relationship and she sensed it that day. 

Several times I have told Suzie that I thought that life is a trap. Then one day as I said this, she soon afterwards gave me a number to call. It was the telephone number to the mental hospital. So that's what she thinks of me. 

I don't plan on ever calling that number. 

The friendship is going nowhere. Walking her to her car, virtual hugs only and to then be left standing at the curb. A person could and would only take so much of that. I will always wish Suzie the best but I'm not going to devote any more energy to a friendship that is going absolutely nowhere. In not visiting Suzie, I open up space physically and intellectually for meeting a newer and better friend. The friendship with Suzie was a weight on my shoulder. Ad absurdio. Ad nil. To absurdity. To nothing. 

The morning soup kitchen line is depressing. And the food they give out isn't anything I'd want to eat. There are only superficial friendships to be found there. Better no friends than compulsions to superficial friendships which wind up being a trap. As one gets older, they see that most friendships are somewhat of a trap as people only appear normal if you don't know them very well. Once you know them well, the idiosyncrasies emerge. E ery person is a walking caricature of their own idiosyncrasies much like Roger Hargreaves' Mr. Men. 

The morning soup kitchen line is like a miniature downtown Eastside of Vancouver. Very picaresque disheveled and crazy people. It gets depressing. And the food they dispense isn't food that I really want to eat and what's more than that, it's the same food over and over again which gets repetitive. People working at a restaurant soon get tired of the restaurant's free food that is offered to the employees. 

I am no different or better than the people who line up at the soup kitchen. A lot of them are more together than I am as there is no sign that they spend their days in constant worry and anxiety. They seem pretty chipper. I myself have my own mental issues. 

Vancouver has magic mushroom dispensaries now. To smoke a bit of pot is one thing. Magic mushrooms is absolutely crazy. I wouldn't want to do mushrooms as I am having a difficult enough time keeping it together as it is. They have microdoses too and dosing is an aspect of doing drugs. Still, I am not interested in doing mushrooms. It is claimed that mushrooms can organize the mind. I think that getting three beanbags and juggling is just as good a way to organize the mind. I would strongly advise against doing magic mushrooms. The magic mushroom dispensaries are not getting busted and shut down. The Vancouver Police say that they have bigger fish to fry perhaps in reference to fentanyl and crystal meth dealers. 

The magic mushroom dispensaries also sell whole and powdered coca leaf for coca leaf tea. I would neither advise for nor against the consumption of coca leaf tea. 

The Blue Door cannabis dispensary on Hastings Street in Vancouver sells ounces of weed for $60 an ounce. That is an unheard of and unbeatable deal. 

My father never showed me my birth certificate. I only have his word that he's my father without the standard empirical documentary evidence to back it up. I thought I would need to see my birth certificate in long form as well as short form. 

I only have his word that my birthday is what he claims it is as my birthday is also Mother's Day on certain years. 

A soap opera once said, "You could see your birth certificate but you might not like what you see." or words to that effect. Birth certificates might have details about if the mother died in childbirth. 

Anyways my birth certificate would be from another country. A country with a different writing system, that objectively deconstructed, it is a writing system where every time you want to write a new word, you have to learn how to draw a new picture. Even if you learn how to draw the picture, there's no clue as to how the word sounds unlike English with its phonetic alphabet. What the heck kind of writing system is that?! I wonder how that civilization lasted as long as it did. Would I even be able to read something like that? No. In my case, whether or not I see my birth certificate would be a lose lose situation. I sometimes wonder why I bother with living and perhaps it would be better for me had I never been born. If this is God's plan for me, it is a strange God with a strange plan. In spite of this, I still believe in and trust in God notwithstanding. 

Common bacterial nose infections are treated with bacitracin and mupirocin. My ENT prescribed me fucidin Leo. Often doctors don't fully know what they're doing. The other day I told a doctor that the blood vessels along the bridge of the nose is called Kiesselbach's plexus. The doctor said that she didn't know that. 

The medical sciences is still in the primitive days compared to what it might be in the distant future, that is, if humanity still survives. 

Thursday, April 7, 2022

Today I went to a medical supply store, Island MediQuip way out on Enterprise Street to get a bath stool for my handicapped lady friend. Looking at the map, I figured out where it was. I took the bus there. I went quite a distance to somewhere I never went to before. I bailed her out yet again. 

Whenever she gets in a jam, I have to bail her out. Bailing her out, bailing her out, bailing her out. She's somewhat of a burden to me but what are friends for? 

Of course I get nothing in return for that. No good karma. I get nothing in return because the forces of life are sinister. 

Yesterday, I saw The Informer. What a sick movie. What a dope movie. Excellent, off the scale spectacular. It was tight. It was one of the best movies ever made. 6 stars out of 5, and 12 stars out of ten. It was that good. The movie depicted Polish gangsters. Now I'm worried about Polish people. I met about 7 Polish people in this town but how many Polish people live in town? Possibly hundreds. So I shouldn't worry about Polish people. 

Is the World as sinister as the movie portrays? This movie can cause anxiety but that's because it's so well crafted in its depiction of the criminal underworld. 

I saw The Legend of Bagger Vance. The hero lost his golf swing after being in World War 1. PTSD. Bagger Vance said that everyone is carrying a load that is unimaginable. But that everyone has a natural rhythm that they can lose and that they can find again. It is a rhythm that is one with the rhythm of life and the Universe. Great movie. Will Smith is very spiritual in this movie. I don't care about Will Smith at the Oscars and what happened. That's irrelevant to this movie. This is one of the best movies ever made. 

I felt depressed for a lot of the day. My life is going nowhere. All the magic has gone from my life. 

Mostly, in a year, there are a few days of happiness. Most days are depressing and boring. 

I still thank God for the gift of life. I hope that God can help guide me to happiness whether it's because of or in spite of my difficulties. 

My handicapped lady friend is turning each and every month of mine to a month of work work work and chores. Every one else in my building gets to live a leisurely life. I didn't go on welfare so I could work. One month at a time, this lady is destroying my future. I wonder when she'll be moved into assisted living. One day I'll rage quit and abandon her. I only agreed to help her for awhile so she could get back on her feet but it's been 19 months now. Working 7 days a week. This lady is a real burden. This lady causes me to doubt the existence of God. I don't know if God helps people. He just leaves people to fend for themselves. My life is a mess. Smoking tobacco every day and collecting marijuana roaches found on the street even though I am afraid of smoking pot. It brings paranoia. 

Douglas Bloch and Pastor Joel Osteen says "Your best days are ahead of you." Is this true or not? Do they know what they're talking about? I think that my life will never get better. Just the same, hopeless, a mess, going nowhere, bored and depressed. 

Friday, April 8, 2022

Woke up in fear wondering how I'll find the strength to handle the future. 

Another strange dream last night. Slight fear from that thinking I'm going crazy. Some people wake up from strange dreams thinking that they committed a criminal offense. I feel that about my dreams sometimes. 

May God give me the strength to handle the future. May God guide me to discover what being happy means. 

I worry about Church. Sometimes there are delinquent people who go there. Strange people. I worry about the future. 

Saturday, April 9, 2022

Woke up in fear. As usual. 

Being old can either be an old person happy and confident or it can be an old person who is scared and senile. 

I sprained my lower back on Thursday two days ago. Painful. I'm still not completely out of it. I sprained my lower back when I bent over for a long time to put together a bath stool. 

Weirdest dream last night. A major Royal dream. Royal dreams used to inspire me. Now they scare me making me think I'm crazy. 

I've gone through periods of waking up in fear in the past. Eventually I got over it. Now I'm waking up in fear again all the time. My life is a mess. The future I predict will be dismal and depressing. 

Last night I fell off the wagon and smoked some pot. I wasn't that scared when I smoked it. However I woke up in fear reflecting that I smoked pot again. I feel ashamed and that I might be an addict. I can't seem to stop smoking tobacco too. My life is a mess and out of control. I'm quite scared. Not as scared as I was a few months ago, that was a deep seated all pervasive fear. Now it's just a slight grinding intellectual fear but it's persistent. 

Fear comes from overthinking.

"You think a lot. That's why you get scared." Cocoon, the movie

Monday, April 11, 2022

Old age is at least three stages. 50 is a bit old. 60 is moderately old. 70 is really old and 80 is ancient. The 50s isn't that old. One gets old gradually. What one loses in terms of physical health, fitness and looks when one gets old, one gets wisdom and experience and that leads to happiness. Old age could be the happiest time of a person's life. 

When one gets old, the magic of life is experienced again. When one is 5 years old, Christmas seems so magical but at 5 years old, the scent of the afterlife which they came from is five years away. When one gets old, Christmas can be magical again but then the scent of the afterlife where they are going to could be five years away. 

A person dies many times in their life. All the cells in a body are programmed to die and be replaced every 7 years. This programmed cell death is called apoptosis. Bromides such as trypsin are involved. 

The word endorphin is a portmanteau of endogenous morphine. That is the body's naturally produced morphine. That is what the drug morphine tries to recreate so that there is a resonance when a person takes pharmaceutical morphine. 

Turning 40 after being in your 30s isn't as bad as turning 50 after being in your 40s. Someone told me that they were 39 now but turning 40 next year. I said "That's great. My 40s was a blast! " What I didn't say was that turning 50 is a lot worse. That's when you really start feeling old. When I was in my 20s and 30s I thought that a person 50 or over is old. Now I'm over 50.

I'm over 50 and in my life, I never had to go to the hospital too many times if at all. Some people younger than 30 or 40 already had to go to the hospital a few times. Age means nothing. Some people look older than their age and some people look younger than their age. 

I hope that God guides me to being very happy. I'd rather be very happy than to have a lot of money and a fancy car like a BMW. One can be wealthy and have a nice car and still have generalized anxiety disorder and be depressed. I'd choose being very happy and confident and have clarity of mind over wealth, even extreme wealth. I still fear the future somewhat. 

I found out today that sweet iJustine was recently hospitalized for a few days due to a blood clot in her upper right arm. She was close to death. She has since been released from hospital. She's on blood thinners now. I hope that God looks after her. I've said at least one prayer for her. I hope and wish that she has many more decades to do what she does on YouTube which is mainly to talk about excellent iPhones none of which I could afford. 

iJustine once had conjunctivitis which is a blood clot, on her right eye. Is it connected? It seems like a bad omen. I hope that iJustine will be all right. 

I wouldn't get a cell phone even if I could afford it. First of all, I don't have too many people I could or would call. Secondly I fear scammers calling me on my cell phone. 

One trick is to tell the scammers that you don't have a computer. The YouTube channel Scambaiter did this twice. The first time, the scammers said, "I'm sorry. I can't help you." The second time, scammers said, "Do you have a television? You should go home home turn it on and watch it. Have a nice day."

I won't get a cell phone. 

A few times I have talked to people in this town about things and their reply was, "I don't know what to say." Is that the best they've got? When I was in Vancouver, I always got good answers to things because the people in Vancouver are very intellectual. Vancouver is a smarter town because Vancouver is a big city that moves in a fast smart pace. This town is a small town, officious backwater and people are plodding along in their mindless officious small town backwater way which is why they don't know what to say. For eg I asked a nurse why my handicapped girlfriend hasn't been moved into assisted living. "I don't know what to say." What a shit officious backwater town. 

I pretty much have given up on Suzie. I don't know what I am expecting of our friendship. It's a shallow friendship. I don't have time for meaningless friendships, acquaintances that mean nothing and relationships that go nowhere. With my handicapped girlfriend there is more of a chance however remote that she would be moved into assisted living or else get better and be completely healed from her handicap. Whereas Suzie is an impossible situation. And even if it were possible, I don't know what that would look like and I'm not sure that it's something I really want all that much. 

My handicapped lady friend said another three months and she might start walking again. But she's been saying another two months for the last two years. I don't believe her. I will have to quit working for her one day. I'm not legally required to work for her. If she falls apart or even dies, it's not on me. I've worked for her for long enough. She will ruin my future one month at a time if I go on working for her. It's getting to be too difficult. Anything that's too difficult isn't worth doing at all. If at first you don't succeed, try and then try again and then quit completely as there is no use in doing anything that's too difficult. 

The best way is that I stop seeing Suzie indefinitely. If I see her again, it will be on a new and different meaning. She would be someone I'd be less friendly with after such a long absence. I might not see Suzie ever again. In a few years she will get too old and retire from that place. Better no friends than the wrong friends. Better no friendship than a meaningless go nowhere impossible friendship. To chase the even slightly possible is one thing. To chase the absolutely impossible is another. The situation between me and Suzie has deteriorated. The energy is all wrong. It's a bad energy jangle. I'd much rather move back to Vancouver and live in a nice place near UBC than to see Suzie ever again. I'd even live in a place that's nice in the Strathcona neighborhood area. 

I might see signs of Suzie because a lot of things remind me of her, but it's signs of what? Signs of something that's going absolutely nowhere. 

I won't bother to ever tell her why I decided to stop visiting her. 

The British say, "Never complain, never explain."

If I play my cards right, I'll never have to see Suzie ever again. 

YouTube, The World According to Briggs said that the UK or London is number three in the top ten places of the rudest countries in the World to visit. That wipes out any incipient plans I had of visiting London. That doesn't surprise me. London people do have a reputation of being uppity assholes and devious and sinister. Forget visiting London. It's a sprawling hopeless concrete jungle with no beaches that are a short walk away like this town. With large sprawling cities it takes forever to get anywhere. Going grocery shopping then to the post office and then to the Library? Yeah, sure, see you in 7 hours. 

If I ever get an inheritance, even one of over $100,000 or even $500,000, I'd move to Vancouver again and live in a nice neighborhood near UBC. With that amount of money, I could rent a middle class apartment for quite a few years. With that amount of money, I'd get an 80s BMW. They look the best. The newer BMW's don't appeal to me as much as an 80s BMW. I would need a 1988 model BMW. I would need a 4 door BMW and not a 2 door. Automatic or standard, I don't care. People on the internet say that the standard transmission on BMWs are shit compared to their standard transmission. Of course the automatic transmission on a BMW is the same as Porsche and Jaguar and Mercedes. BMW uses the ZF Friedrichschafen automatic transmission. 80s BMW's looked distinct, even the dashboard. Modern BMWs are a standardized reverse engineered copy of all other cars as if their distinct look embarrassed them. Modern BMWs look a lot like Fords and Toyotas. The only thing distinct about a modern BMW is the logo. 

At least the handicapped lady is always there for me. I only got to see Suzie for less than five minutes a week, arguably less than two minutes a week. The handicapped lady is a bullshit situation but Suzie was a bullshit situation as well. Better one bullshit situation than two bullshit situations. To have two bullshit situations is like fighting a two front war. The less bullshit situations one has in life the better. It's best to go through life with no bullshit situations. But life is about comparison. One has to necessarily experience a few bullshit situations in life to see and to know how meaningful the usual non-bullshit situations are. 

I think that Suzie is the one who gave me a nervous breakdown and PTSD. I was working for my handicapped lady friend and during those months, I decided not to visit Suzie at all. Then one day, for whatever the hell reason, I acquiesced and regressed and visited Suzie again. I was already in one bullshit situation. Seeing Suzie again precipitated another bullshit situation and the reality of dealing with one additional bullshit situation on top of the one I was already dealing with had sent me over the edge. 

I hope that I never see Suzie ever again. I'd sooner move to Vancouver and live the good life than to see Suzie ever again. I'd rather inherit a lot of money and move to Vancouver and live the good life than to see Suzie ever again. 

Couples notice all the happy single people. Single people notice all the happy couples. It's often better to be single. Unless you're into commitment issues and in some cases including the possibility of being on the hook for child support and for me that would be the most unwanted thing, it's better to be single. Women are nothing but trouble and knowing this cynical world, women most likely also say that men are nothing but trouble. It's a mutual thing. And not a mutual admiration society. 

I don't care about passing on my genes. I don't think that my genes are anything special. I don't have that big of an ego. Also the human species is garbage. Humans will routinely steal and rip each other off especially on the internet. 

There are a lot of good humans but much of the time, life is you giving out a certain kind of energy and getting another and worse kind of energy in return. 

In my case, I try not to be a burden to anyone and in return I get someone who is a total absolute burden to me, namely my handicapped lady friend. 

If I get burnout or a nervous breakdown after working for her for so long, I would have to quit working for her. Even if she were to die as a result of my neglect and abandonment, I wouldn't have been legally required to work for her anyways so it wouldn't be on me. 

I even told her, "I'm not legally required to work for you. If I stopped working for you, the cops wouldn't bust me for deciding not to work for you anymore."

The World is going to hell in a handbasket. Global warming is a disaster. And the affordable real estate crisis makes even the idea of having children for future generations a non-starter. I never did fully like the human species. A lot of humans, a noticeable percentage are undisciplined delinquents and batshit crazy. Forget the human species. I'd rather get a Darwin Award. Getting a Darwin Award is to walk the path of least resistance. 

Suzie said she would like to see me once a week at a place where she works. Why should I make it a commitment to see someone who is merely a casual friend regularly? If she was a girlfriend, that would be one thing. But a casual friend? Forget it! Why does she have to get so personal? Why does she have to be so involved? She used to ask me to see her at some other place another day of the week. Its bad enough one day a week but two days a week? Every time she said that, I looked away and sighed but not in a good way. She probably noticed that and she stopped asking especially since I just about never went there. 

I had to line up for ten minutes just to talk to Suzie for two minutes. And I had to line up with people who are the dregs of society, the lumpen proletariat, the hoi polloi, the riff-raff, undisciplined delinquents a lot of whom are batshit crazy and I thought I was crazy. It's simply not worth it. Most of the time I would line up but not knowing or caring who would be there. Not out of commitment for someone I knew would be expecting to see me there. Forget that. It's not worth it. Waste of time, waste of energy. 

Tuesday, April 12

I found out today that two days ago, the handicapped lady who is French died on Sunday. I used to call her Frenchie. I wish I was kinder to her. I remember being angry with her at times because she was often very grumpy. She often ignored me and so I often ignored her too. 

I went to Church and lit a candle for her which is, I think, a French tradition. I think she will go to heaven. The last words between us was me saying, "As a friend, I love you." She said, "As a friend, I love you too."

My old fridge broke today. All the ice in the freezer turned to water. This never happened before. My landlord got me a new fridge. It was an RCA retro 50s fridge. I could have gotten a Magic Chef fridge but I like this one. This fridge sells at London Drugs for $229 plus tax. 

"Damn it, Bob. There were plenty of brand-new bombs but you had to go for that retro-'50s charm." Sideshow Bob, The Simpsons

Wednesday, April 13, 2022

"God, I need you, 

God, help me in my shortcomings 

Give me strength in my weaknesses

Give me faith to overcome."

Pastor Joel Osteen, video: Be Vulnerable 

There is a crazy lady I met in 1999 in Vancouver. Her name is Joanne. She is as crazy as a shit house rat. She's batshit crazy. 

I see her in Victoria. I see her at a lot places and I wonder if she's stalking me. But usually she doesn't say anything to me. I see her at the morning soup line at the Catholic Church. Today she lined up right behind me. What were the chances of that? Yesterday when I went to Dutch Bakery with my handicapped lady friend Heather, I saw Joanne there too. She walked in right after I did. I ignored her and she didn't talk to me. I think she might be a spy who is spying on me and reporting back to some people in Vancouver. Or she might be there as to say, "You look so happy and smug here in Victoria but you shouldn't be here. You should go back to Vancouver." 

I don't know if I'm all that happy. Most days I deal with the forces of depression, boredom, fear, anxiety and worry. That's not being happy. 

Nonetheless, I hope that God can guide me to being happy one day. I don't care about wealth or a nice car such as a BMW. I only want to be truly happy. 

It's about knowing contrasts. You can't know how good light is without knowing darkness. You can't know the importance and value of happiness without knowing the not so happy times of life. You can't know sane and disciplined people without knowing about the crazy and undisciplined people. 

Most of the time she doesn't say anything to me. 

Then there would be times when I would see her a bunch of times in a short period of time, then I wouldn't see her at all for months. She told me that she likes to move around the island, Nanaimo, Comox, etc. 

Other than that, she doesn't verbally abuse me or call me names and she isn't the type to punch me or attack me or anything. But a few times she did say some crazy things to me. I wonder if she's stalking me. But stalkers usually have a verbal agenda. 

"Gotta get a message to you, oh Lord, oh Lord." The Bee Gees 

The thing is, she usually doesn't have a message for me or anything. 

She does have a strange vibe. She might be doing some kind of drugs. 

I worry about Joanne. For some strange reason, her face, her vibe, she reminds me of a garbage can. Joanne the garbage can. She has a really long nose and diastema teeth. She's ghastly and wretched. 

I've lived in this town for 11 years. I first saw Joanne in this town about 7 years ago. I don't think she would report to anyone in Vancouver about me because I haven't lived there in nearly 17 years. Anyone I knew in Vancouver is probably very old or dead as most of my friends in Vancouver were at least 20 years older than me. I'm 52, so how old would those friends in Vancouver be? Joanne probably isn't stalking me or spying on me for Vancouver. I just have a over active imagination. What's there to spy about? I'm on welfare. I smoke tobacco. I masturbate to strange porn, namely granny porn. I help a handicapped lady. There isn't much to spy about. 

Joanne is crazy. If Vancouver was to send someone to spy on me, couldn't Vancouver find a spy who is less crazy? 

I worry about seeing her again. I worry that she might say some crazy shit to me again. I worry she might be a spy for Vancouver. I'll probably see her at the morning soup line at the Catholic Church. Again. 

Joanne isn't the only one who is crazy as I myself have my own issues as well namely smoking tobacco, looking at weird granny porn and having an overactive imagination that tends to the negative. 

I fall off the wagon sometimes and smoke marijuana. It hits me hard. First of all music sounds strange. Time slows down and each and every single note pounds out with a singular distinction. I get paranoid and think that I'm a really crazy guy and that people want to kill me because of that. Then I think that my Royal dreams are crazy and people want to kill me for talking about my Royal dreams. Then that fades and for awhile I hit that sweet spot where music sounds really good and I feel relaxed. Then I feel sober and fearful and it's edgy again. I can't smoke it every day like I used to. If people were going to kill me because of my craziness and Royal dreams, why haven't they already done it? 

A few months ago I was unable to hit that sweet spot smoking marijuana as I had extreme PTSD, burnout and nervous breakdown. It's better now. 

I think of people I met in the past who died young or at any rate before age 50. I don't know how they would have handled age 50 and over. For me my 50s is scary. I guess for awhile 40 was scary too but I got over it and in some ways my 40s was the best decade so far. 

Thursday,  April 14, 2022

YouTube automatically directed to a video from UAMNTV. It is a video about Garnet Schulhauser. He talks about astral projection and ETs. Very interesting. It is cosmic and a great thing that happened to me as I wasn't intending to watch the video as I didn't even know it existed. Schulhauser, schoolhouser? Whatever. Schwulehauser. Fag houser. 

Garnet Schulhauser lives near Victoria BC Canada. 

Today, at the soup line, a young girl butted in front of me in line. First she was talking to someone just behind me then she talked to someone in front of me. That's how she did it. Then she looked at me. She looked quite pretty but I looked away as I was grumpy that she butted in front of me in line. Later I regretted that. I should have smiled. I wish I had better social skills. My social skills are shit. Politicians have good social skills but they want to get votes. They are motivated. 

I did have a chance to see her again. I said to her, "I was grumpy to you but I should have smiled." And I gave her a vast broad beaming smile. She looked indifferent. She didn't look as pretty the second time. That's a cognitive bias like the cheerleader effect which is a woman looks prettier when she is in a group of other women than when she is alone. Another cognitive bias is a woman looks pretty the first time you have a quick look at her. The second time you have a good look at her, she doesn't look as pretty. And this girl had big hands like a football linebacker. That's a sign of heavy drug use, I thought. The security guard told me that big hands doesn't necessarily mean drug use, that could be genetic. Acromegaly, big hands, big feet, devil hands and devil feet. But then for some reason Prince Charles has big hands for some reason. He didn't use to. I don't know what that's about. I don't have a medical degree nor am I a doctor. 

She also had these scabs blisters and boils on her face. That's from picking at the face due to crystal meth psychosis. There are others in town with such facial blemishes amongst the floating population of drug users. 

These food lines and soup lines these days are worse than in generations past as these days young people use a more intense class of drugs than in the old days. In the old days it was cocaine and heroin. These days it's crystal meth and fentanyl. Those drugs can really fry a person's brain and I wouldn't use those drugs even if I was paid a million dollars. When I was in Vancouver years ago, I just about never got butted in front of in line. 

This morning a guy was in line in front of me but he left so I advanced one space. The other day I left the line up in impatience as the line up was too long giving the guy standing behind me a chance to advance one space. These things are trivial. Some people would really make a fus and raise a point if someone butts in front of them in line. I never say anything. This young girl must have sensed that about me. Even if I say something and tell them to get to the back of the line, what do I win? Not much. It would only be a few minutes or less of a delay. Who cares? I didn't line up for myself. I lined up to get coffee for my handicapped lady friend and I usually pass on  whatever else food that I get there to someone else. 

The crazy people I have to deal with at the soup line I have to only deal with for a few minutes a day. They have to deal with themselves respectively for 24 hours a day. People work in patterns. Maharishi Mahesh Yogi said that people are like a lamp each with a different shade of color. Wherever they go they will cast their light. 

The crazy people at the soup line are annoying like the thousands of annoying opportunistic ads I see on YouTube videos every month. Before it was always one ad. Now it's two ads at a time. And at one time in its early days, YouTube had no ads at all. 

I see the crazy people usually for a short time or else for a relatively short time. I only see them for 1x of time. Thankfully it's not for 2x or 3x or 4x etc amount of time that I end up seeing them. 

With the women who wind up on welfare and show up at the soup line and have drug problems, Gabor Mate said that pretty much 100% of them have suffered horrendous incest based sexual abuse at the hands of a father, an uncle or even a brother. That's why I really don't believe in the human species. There are a few gold nuggets from time to time like Pastor Joel Osteen and Douglas Bloch but in a large number of cases, the human species leaves much to be desired. The human species is a pernicious egregious species and I'm glad I never had any children. I'm glad I didn't do my part to perpetuate the shit known as the human species. I don't believe in the human species. 

The men who wind up on welfare and on drugs, not nearly all have faced sexual abuse but they did face some trauma like beatings and verbal abuse at the hands of their parents who once upon a time decided to try their ego-ridden, ill begotten, semi-educated hand at parenting. No one can become a mechanic or a plumber without a license or an A ticket of a B ticket. Yet people can become parents without any kind of license. Just because people can use the toilet, they don't think they can become a competent plumber but because people can reproduce, for some reason they think they can become competent parents. A lot of people do a shit job at it. They're not parents they're incompetents, they're incomparents. Let's face it, all families are dysfunctional. 

And then their children turn into adults who wind up at the soup line or at the needle exchange safe injection site. Wretched. 

I myself unlike a lot of people don't automatically presume that I would be a good parent. But at least I'm responsible enough to face up to that reality and to act or not act according to that. I'm glad I never became a parent. And at age 52, I doubt that I ever will or will ever have to. It's not like I'm legally required to become a parent. 

I went to the dentist today and got some incipient tooth cavities filled. What's the point? It's delaying the inevitable. I'll probably be losing more teeth before this decade is through and I would have to depend on a soft diet of soft foods for my nutrition such as soups, purees, broths, apple sauce etc. My dentist says I have too much bone loss to get dentures. I have doubts about that. I would have to visit a denture specialist such as Dr. Crapo. He would be retiring in a few years or less so I'll have to talk to him soon. 

Around the time life first appeared in the oceans on Earth, Mars had oceans. Some people think that Mars once had an advanced civilization but they had a nuclear war which destroyed the planet. However there is a very large ellipse on the North Pole of Mars. A planet the size of Pluto collided with Mars at its North Pole and shut down the planets internal dynamo and also wiped out any atmosphere, oceans etc on Mars. That must have been a hell of a day on Mars and you thought that the worst days on Earth are bad. 

Anyways that collision created the large ellipse on Mars' North Pole. 

Friday, April 15

Today I got an iPhone 7! I got it used for $80. I also got the Lucky plan for $25 month which includes unlimited calling across Canada included. Now I can call Vancouver! No more worries about pay phones and phone cards and Telus cards and prepaid credit cards to use the phone. I won’t pay the $25 every month. Only on months I need or want to use the phone. I am typing this now on the iPhone. It was a learning curve to get the Apple ID but now I can download apps on this phone. Apple iPhone is the BMW of cellular phones. Life is full of surprises. The future can be very good.

I would only call Vancouver to call hotels and ask about daily weekly or monthly rental rates. I might not use the phone at all. I don’t like using phones.

I never ever thought that I would ever get an iPhone. This is a miracle. If I returned home even 5 minutes earlier or later I would have missed my friend who was selling his old iPhone for $80. He got himself an iPhone 13.

I turned off my phone for all incoming calls. I don’t like getting phone calls. 

Thank God for the gift of life.

Using a iPhone involves a learning curve. On the Lucky $25 month plan, I get 500mb of data per month. On one day today, it says I already used 73% of my data. At this rate, I'll have used up all my data tomorrow. Maybe I should stop using the phone altogether except for phone calls which I don't use it much if at all for anyways. I haven't made a phone call yet. 

All I did was download and play a few apps, wrote on this blog and already I used up 73% of 500mb of data. I think this phone allows additional unlimited data but at lower speeds. 

I think I'll switch to Shaw. Under the Shaw plan of internet, my tablet ad computer uses lots and lots of data with out it affecting my rates as Shaw provides unlimited data. 

When I downloaded a free Harley Quinn comic on the Apple book store, I got a prompt saying that 50% of my data was used. To download books on a cell phone which is tiny compared to my tablet is ridiculous. I won't download any more books from there. 

My plan is to go to Shaw and switch to their $25 a month unlimited data plan. And also I won't be using the iPhone even to play any more apps or use the internet at all. I will also go to Lucky mobile services kiosk at the mall to ask what happens if I happen to use more than 500mb of data a month. Would there be extra charges? If so I'll just have to turn off my phone and not use it at all except when I need to call Vancouver. 

Actually Lucky has an unlimited internet plan for $40 month. But if I use my Wi-Fi modem at home internet costs nothing. However I did play an app when I was outdoors today with my girlfriend Heather. That would use data. 

However Lucky has 500mb a month at 3G speed. After that, there is unlimited data at 128kbps speeds. There are no data overage charges. No surprises. How much slower is 128kpbs vs 3G? I guess I'll find out. 

Why should I play apps on an iPhone 7 screen when I have a 10" tablet. 

What is this. The PSP? If I wanted to play on a smaller screen, I'd get a PSP or Nintendo DS. I have a 10" Huawei tablet to choose from but would opt for an iPhone 7? Bizarre. 

From: Stop Wasting Phone Data With These 8 Tips. Uploader: Payette Forward. YouTube

1. Settings: General: Background App Refresh: Tick Wi-Fi only. 

2. Settings: Personal Hotspot. Turn off

    Settings: Cellular: Cellular Data Options. Set to Low Data Mode 

    Settings: Cellular: Turn off Wi-Fi assist

3. Settings: Privacy: Turn off shared data analytics

4. Close out all apps. 

5. Use Wi-Fi as often as you can

6. Limit bandwidth for certain apps

    YouTube: Your icon: Settings: Video quality preferences: on mobile                    networks: set to data saver

    Settings: Cellular: Turn off unused apps

7. Settings: tap on your name icon:  iCloud: turn off back up over cellular  

8. Settings: photos: cellular data: turn off cellular data and turn off unlimited data

I actually did most if not all of this. Will it fuck up my iPhone 7? I guess I'll find out. 

From Apple: What Counts As data usage on the iPhone? (4 Solutions) 

Uploader: Roel Van Paar. YouTube

Anything that is not texting or phone calls uses data. Streaming uses even more data. 

Use wifi rather than cellular data. 

From: How To Reduce Your Mobile Data Usage. Uploader: Beat The Bush. YouTube

Anything internet or taking photos, videos etc uses data. Talking and texting do not. 

Turn off all apps until needed then turn it off again. 

Apps automatically update in the background and that uses up data. 

Since I have unlimited internet at 128kbps, I won't have to turn off any of my apps. I'll go next month to see about switching to Shaw. That is if 128kbps internet speed is a complete and total fuck up. I should be fine. I'll let you know. I might be able to coast on Lucky indefinitely. 

128kbps, what is this. 2003? 2003 called. They want their internet speed back. 

We I smoke pot I get paranoid about a certain set of things. But these things are different a year, a month, heck, even a week later, the vast majority of them. But some worries never change. I'm getting older and getting old. But being old means more experience. Eventually you get over it because it's the same worry over and over again. I worry that my dreams are crazy but again, these worries are repetitive. Been there done that. 

I saw Joanne again this morning at the soup line. She got in the line up two places behind me. That's the 2nd or 3rd time this week. She must have been waiting for me for me to show up then she got in line. If I showed up ten minutes later or earlier I wouldn't have seen her. She was wearing dark ominous big sunglasses. I think that Joanne is planning to kill me and she's waiting for the right time. Or she has something devious planned for me. I saw her again on the way back to the soup line as I had some friends there that I usually talk to such as interplanet Janet. Joanne's nose looked somewhat fatter than it usually does. I do hope that she's all right. I wonder if she's homeless and using some kind of drugs. I did say a prayer for her. Maybe some of you could say a prayer for her too. In a few years if I'm still alive, today's worries about her would have turned out to be nothing. Or I'll be dead in a few years. Either way I win. Sometimes it's not the people in the neighborhood that one has to worry about. Sometimes the threats come from one's very own body. A ghastly wretched disease can do more harm to a person more than anybody in the neighborhood would. Joanne always never wears the same clothes twice and she looks like she's wearing multiple layers of pants. If Joanne is using hard drugs then that can burn someone out and leave them with a demented state of mind. 

Undoubtedly she'll be stalking me at the soup line for weeks to come. She didn't say anything to me today though. I looked right at her when I saw her on the street and she didn't say anything to me. She walks with a strange dejected kind of shuffle. 

Since I met her in Vancouver years ago I wonder if she's an omen that I might see Vancouver again although at this point I don't know if I ever will. 

Sometimes seeing someone you don't like is a good omen. I saw Joanne a few times this week but this week I got a new retro 50's design refrigerator and I got an Apple iPhone 7 which is also retro; to 2016. 2016 called. They want their iPhone back. 

People work in patterns. I myself have the pattern of thought that several women over the years were stalking me. There was one lady ten years ago whom I saw on every welfare cheque day for about two years. I thought she was stalking me. Then one day, she just disappeared, moved away. 

Then some of these ladies who were allegedly stalking me either died or else moved away. But the vast majority of times when I saw these ladies and thought that they were stalking me, they didn't say anything to me. 

I think that Joanne is planning to kill me. 

I once told my friend in Thailand that I thought some people in the neighborhood or the soi were planning to kill me. My friend said, "I think you're planning to kill them." I said, "I'm not!" He said, "Then why do you think that they're planning to kill you?" I think I might have a touch of paranoid schizophrenia. 'Just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean that they're not after you.' This kind of thinking goes back to high school. I thought some high school bullies had me on a hit list and were going to kill me. Well since I'm here writing this, I guess that wasn't the case. 

If Joanne does kill me, well, I'm not sure that my life is going anywhere anyways. I don't know that I have any kind of future. Just more of the same old fishbowl existence. 

Pastor Joel said, "Your latter days will be better than your former days." God Bless him, he has a good heart but perhaps he speaks of the ideal rather than the reality. 

If Joanne does kill me, that would be a weird Joanne themed day but it would soon be over with. Then I'd be in the afterlife and all that entails. 

After knowing her or at any rate, after knowing of her for more than 20 years, I don't know her last name. I'm amazed that I know her first name. How did I even know that? 

If Joanne was to kill me why didn't she do it sooner? Neither of us are any younger and Joanne is about 7 years older than me. And I'm almost 52 years old. Why would she trade a larger window of time for a smaller window of time?

Listening to The Mysterious Traveler radio show from the 50s on YouTube has increased my paranoia. The stories on The Mysterious Traveler are devious stories full of plots and murders and wretched themes. 

I should do a cartoon about someone with a cellphone but no one to call or wants to call. Someone who is a millionaire, inherits a few million dollars but has nothing extravagant or expensive that he wants to spend the money on. He doesn't want to move from town or away from the poor rooming house he's living in. He doesn't want any fancy cars. He is too lazy and lacks the courage to travel on a vacation. He is later given a nice fancy car but has nowhere that he really wants to drive it to. He thinks that driving a car is a chore and a hassle. 

He meets a nice girlfriend but has sex anxiety, erectile dysfunction and commitment issues and doesn't want to marry nor to be on the hook for child support. 

This idea would not be a good idea for any kind of Hollywood movie. This would obviously be a movie about me minus the lucky breaks except for the cellphone. I don't have any kind of million dollars nor do I have a fancy car. 

I wonder what Joanne would do if she inherited a million dollars. I doubt she'd still be stalking me at the soup line. I think that she would move to Hawaii and live the good life. Even if she had some criminal record which I doubt she has, or if she might have some kind of record of drug use, with a million dollars, she could spend a few thousand dollars of that to get a waiver that allows for 6 months of travel in the United States, specifically Hawaii. 

I have a cellphone but no one I want to call. Before, I wanted to call a few hotels in Vancouver to ask about vacancy, rent prices for daily weekly and monthly and in some cases if they would accept someone without a credit card. Now I lost the will and the courage to travel. I think if I went to Vancouver, someone would kill me or else attack me. Vancouver is a very dangerous city. 

Saturday, April 16, 2022

Fear is a waste of time and robs the years of your youth or even relative youth like when you get in your 50s. 

There is a judgement day in the afterlife. But at least 50% of it is you judging yourself. 

I figured out how to use my cell phone. I uninstalled all apps I got from the Apple store. I already have and use those apps on my tablet. I'm sticking to the Lucky mobile Pay as you go plan. Shaw would commit you to a long term perpetual use plan although some Shaw plans are $0 a month but that includes limited internet but free unlimited calls across Canada. I don't need perpetual use. Even with the $0 a month plan with Shaw, there is still a $45 non refundable activation fee. Better to go with Lucky mobile. 

Chatr offers a plan similar to Lucky. $25 a month unlimited calls across Canada and 500mb of internet a month. 

I would only need to use the phone if I decide to call Vancouver. But I've lost the courage to travel to Vancouver. 

Sunday, April 17, 2022

I have a hypochondriac fear of the sore within my left nostril. It doesn't go away after antibiotic treatment. The worst it could be is cancer. If it is, I'll have to be euthanized. Any of you would be welcome to visit me in the hospital but since no one reads this blog, I doubt I would have any visitors. However I had this sore looked at several times from multiple doctors and none of them has said anything bad about it. They would have if it was cancer. As is typical for a hypochondriac, they usually think the doctors have missed something and despite a clean bill of health hypochondriacs still believe that they are sick. 

I have an appointment with an ENT doctor in two weeks. I will ask for a biopsy. I'm not that confident in this doctor. He usually sees patients for a short time and then sends them away. I will ask about a biopsy. I will mention bacitracin and mupirocin. I will also talk about Kiesselbach's plexus and differential diagnosis. 

If I do have cancer, I don't want to overdose on fentanyl and kill myself. However I will strongly ask for MAiD which is medical assistance in dying which is basically euthanasia. I will also ask my ENT doctor about euthanasia saying, "If this is nose cancer, could I possibly be euthanized before it gets worse or maybe even as soon as possible?" I am resolved with dying. I don't see my life going anywhere. I don't believe that I have a good future despite about half a dozen people having told me that I do. 

The future is unknown and full of good surprises. 

Life and the societal systems of life are a trap for eg the real estate is out of reach, its astronomically expensive to live anywhere except an SRO single room occupancy rooming house in skid row. And food prices are going up. The food prices are kept low low in Vancouver's downtown eastside. It's more expensive in Victoria. I often think of moving back to Vancouver. There's more to do in Vancouver and food is less expensive there. Vancouver has a certain vibe which is heavenly and I miss it. But that's only because I know Vancouver. Other cities would have a heavenly vibe to those who know and miss those cities. 

My cell phone is permanently turned off. I don't like making phone calls. I might call a few skid row hotels in the downtown eastside Vancouver to ask about nightly, weekly and monthly rates and if there is vacancy. I know they will accept someone without a credit card. 

Monday, April 18

Age is the great betrayer. I fear old age but I fear extreme old age most of all. 

If I died years ago, I wouldn't have lived to have to help my handicapped lady friend. 

"You seek problems because you seek their gifts." Richard Bach, Ilusions

I did take that PCAD  ourse in college. PCAD Personal Care Attendant for the Disabled. 

My friend is an uncommonly sweet lady. When I told her, again, that I fear the future, she said," You have a big future and a long future." I was then  wondering if she was talking about my future or my cock. 

She gives me free tobacco, which is cigarette butts which I recycle and roll into cigarettes. I have been unable to quit tobacco. The idea of smoking tobacco is slightly nostalgic. 

I've given up on the idea that my handicapped lady friend will ever be taken to assisted living although a few weeks ago the nurses did take her to see an assisted living place. I wonder what that was about? Why take her to see such a place if they are never going to take her there? 

Tonight is a rare night of insomnia. Occasional insomnia never killed anyone. Chronic insomnia can lead to burnout and a nervous breakdown which takes months to recover from. I've experienced this first hand. 

Yesterday, I told an Oriental nurse who takes care of my handicapped lady friend, "I don't know which nurse it is, but her knee brace is often put on backwards which is pretty incompetent." Now that I've seen how incompetent nurses can be and how often, I don't at all feel secure if nurses had to take care of me in the future. I don't know if I trust them. I generally only trust the medical industry only so much. In that case, none of us are safe with the medical industry. The medical industry is full of incompetence, quack doctors and nurses who are not much more than common opportunists. 

Yesterday when I was sitting at a bench with my handicapped friend, I saw a group of Orientals wearing sunglasses, they were pointing in the direction of me and my handicapped friend. One of them was making a strange shuffling motion as if mimicking or mocking someone who is handicapped. There was a group of them, men and women. I wondered if they were an Asian gang. I wondered if they were planning to kill me. They may or may not be pointing at us. Perhaps they were pointing at Douglas Street which does have a lot of handicapped people and strange people like panhandlers. Had those Asians killed me, I'm not sure that my life is going anywhere anyways. The future is uncertain and somewhat frightening. They would have spared me from facing such a future if they had. If they were truly angry at me, I would have known it. They would have approached me etc. Instead, a couple of minutes later, they all walked away into the car park garage. 

There is a common saying, "If I was angry at you, you'd know it." People have said that to me when I asked if they were angry at me. 

Then later I walked on the beach and saw some Oriental ladies pointing away in the distance at the water. 

Pointing is a very common thing to do. Tourists do it all the time. 

In Asia, pointing is considered to be rude. It harkens back to the days when rulers pointed at those selected to be executed. 

However in the West, pointing is mainly a meaningless and innocuous gesture. 

The other day I saw some White tourists pointing in my direction or they might have been pointing at something else in my direction. Would I be the only person in the World who has had someone point in their direction though not necessarily at them? I think that I myself in the past have pointed at things as well. Pointing furthers a description. "It's over there in that direction." 

I found a book, 'The Nobility of Policing'. I like the Police and wish I was as brave and mentally fit as the Police. I don't have the courage to travel. I doubt that any Police Officer would lack the courage to travel. The book says that a person must be mentally fit otherwise they can't be a Police Officer. I have anxiety and am delusional and tend to catastrophe the future. I have fears of the future and of the human species itself. Those traits would not be those of a Police Officer. 

People with fears and delusions may not be Police Officers however a lot of artists and musicians and writers skilled as they may be, do have those traits. It takes all kinds to make a world. 

I found another book, The Goth Bible. How depressing and dark. That book is anxiety inducing. Not my style. I'm going to donate it to a used books pile. 

Travelling to Vancouver, whatever bliss I might feel would only be a one day fix. Within a couple of weeks it would be back to the depression and boredom. If I ever leave this town I will one day miss this town as well. 

Travelling to Vancouver, once wouldn't be enough. I would have to go back at least once a year. Vancouver has sweet heavenly vibes because I know Vancouver. I wonder if any other cities have a sweet heavenly vibe such as cities in the US or the UK. 

I'd like to get the Richard Bach book, Illusions. The book store was closed today on Easter Monday. 

With Kim Chi, the vegetables are the prebiorics and the sauce or marinade is the probiotics. 

I'm going to get some cutting tweezers on amazon. These tweezers cut and would cut the hard nose mucus from my nose. I'm not sure that it's a bacterial infection because it doesn't go away with antibiotic cream but I don't know if it's cancer because it's been around for so long that I'd be seeing other signs of cancer already unless it's a benign tumor but even benign tumors grow over time but this nose mucus thing hasn't grown. It's still there and some days it's as hard as a rock. I wonder and worry about what it is. I don't know if the ENT doctor can do anything. At this point I only trust doctors so much. A lot of them can't do anything about a lot of things. 

"Then they came out with herpes. You keep that shit forever like luggage." Eddie Murphy

I think this hard mucus thing in my left nares is something I'll have forever but it's otherwise harmless. 

There is nothing on the internet that can give me a definitive answer as to what it is. 

RIP Gilbert Gottfried died on April 12. He was a legendary iconic funny comedian. He was 66 years old as he was born in 1955. 

I'm not visiting Suzie again for awhile. I don't know for how long. I want to show her as well as to show myself that I'm not obsessed with her. She has a slightly hypnotic effect on me because she's very syrupy sweet. She's sweet with everyone. That's just her personality. I'm not a praise junkie. I'll see her again one of these days. The place that she works at didn't get the memo. The pandemic is over. The masking mandate is over. Even the vaccine passport is no longer required but the morning soup line at the Catholic Church place she works at still has mandatory masking. 

To underscore that Churches are fractional, after the pandemic, 

St Andrews Presbyterian - still has masking and people are required to be registered as to whether or not they have been double vaxxed. No after Church coffee. 

Christ Church Cathedral - no registeration to ascertain double vaxxed status but full masking is still required. After Church coffee but not as normal, people sit in chairs forming a large circle. 

St Andrews Catholic Church masking required. I don't know about their after Church coffee set up. 

Church of Our Lord - the most libertine of all. No masks required, and after Church normal coffee at tables and certainly no registration required as to whether a parishioner is double vaxxed. 

Church of Our Lord is the best one to go to if you want to be sane after the pandemic.

The Royal BC museum no longer requires masks or vaccine passports. And restaurants no longer require masks and vaccine passports. The Library no longer requires masks and never did require vaccine passports. 

Churches are kind of retentive and policy wonky, depending on the Church. 

Restaurants are really on the ball because they're there to do business and depend on the good will of patrons to turn over a profit. 

Churches are socialist institutions that more or less rely on a hybrid model. Parishioners may or may not be skimpy on donations but they rely on the government to give them a certain minimal amount of funding which they are guaranteed to get so they can afford to push whatever arbitrary whim anally retentive policy when it comes to dealing with pandemic and post-pandemic social atmospheres. 

It makes sense to call a Presbyterian Church St Andrews because St Andrew is the patron Saint of Scotland. But to call a Catholic Church St Andrews? 

Well, there is a statue of St Andrew in St Peter's Basilica in the Vatican. St Andrew was made the patron Saint of Scotland in 832 AD which was a few hundred years before the Reformation and Protestantism came into the picture. 

Andrew was a fisherman who became one of Jesus' 12 Disciples. St Andrew first spoke to the boy who had the five loaves and two fishes which would feed 5,000 people. After Jesus' death and resurrection, St Andrew preached in Russia, Poland and Greece. In Greece, he was crucified on an X shaped cross deeming himself unworthy of being crucified in a traditional cross that Jesus was crucified on. A monk named Regulus who watched over St Andrew's bones had an angel visit him. The angel said that Andrews remains was to be interred at the ends of the Earth. The ship that Regulus was on was carrying St Andrews remains got shipwrecked off the coast of Scotland where the town of St Andrews now is. 

The X that St Andrew was crucified on is the basis of the saltire or X which is the flag of Scotland. 

In 832, King Oengus II or else Angus Mac Fergus, King of the Picts, led a battle of Picts and Scots against the Angles. He was heavily outnumbered and before the battle, pledged to make St Andrew the patron Saint of Scotland if he won the battle. Legend has it that clouds in the sky formed an X like the saltire that Andrew was crucified on. The battle was victorious and true to the pledge, St Andrew was made the patron Saint of Scotland. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2022

I think I lost my sex drive. 

However a few YouTube videos provided a couple of takeaways. 

Sex drive is subjective. Some people go from having sex 5 times a week down to 3 times a week and they think they lost their sex drive. Others only have sex once every 8 months and they think that they're fine.*

Sex drive can go away for awhile and it can return with a vengeance.**

For men, it's often a symptom of low testosterone. Smoking can affect the testosterone. 

William Burroughs wrote that one of the advantages of heroin is that it can take away a person's sex drive which is good people too many people feel that they are enslaved to their sex drive. That would not be a good reason to use heroin as no reason is a good reason to use heroin. It's best not to use it at all for any reason.

*source: 6 Common Causes of Low Libido In Men. Dr Sam Bailey. YouTube 

**source: loss of Libido, sex drive, and testosterone from smoking weed. Marijuana Mastery. YouTube

I relented and went to see my friend Suzie today. I'm glad I did. We even went on a short walk together. Being with Suzie is to experience a slice of heaven. 

I woke up this morning as every morning thinking that life is scary. Life isn't that scary. Although I have doubts about the human species, there are lots of good people. One can lose their stride and find it again and this can happen a few times in a lifetime. Warning: The early 50s midlife crisis is as bad as the terrible teens. Those two times in life can be the worst. Mid life crisis is about nothing. My early twenties and the 30s too were the best times although I didn't realize it then. Even though I wasted a lot of my 40s thinking about suicide all the time or wishing my mother had aborted me, I still had good times in my 40s. I didn't have as much sex as I wanted to in my 40s but I did learn a few gymnastics moves which were self taught, I learned a few self taught things on my scooter, in fact I was better on my scooter in my 40s than ever before. I did a lot of cartoons on YouTube in my 40s. I don't know if anyone watches them and I got no money for it. I smoked pot all the time in my 40s, I was pretty much on a 24 hour a day perma-stone. I quit about 10 months ago although I sometimes fall off the wagon and always regret it. I always wake up extra scared after smoking pot the previous day. I am scared of the idea that I might be an addict and that smoking pot makes me a less perfect Christian. Oh well, remember, "Bong Hits 4 Jesus."

Life can seem scary. It can seem like a mess. I know I often think that my life is a mess. Most of that is in your head. The brain often lies and exaggerates and can make things out to be worse than they really are. 

I feel that my addiction to tobacco and me looking at porn which I am not proud of will sabotage my future marriage that's if I'm ever getting married. Usually, people over 50 don't get married. I think that I ruined my life through torpor. Despite what Pastor Joel Osteen always says, I don't know if I will have a good future. 

My landlord told me that some people who are married feel that they fucked up their lives. 

You don't have to be perpetually single to feel that you fucked up your life. 

It helps to remember that there are those who are quite a few levels worse off like those incarcerated or in the hospital or homeless with a severe drug problem or someone in a third world slum yet they are happy and not at all depressed. Or you can remember that there are those who are a few levels better off than you like a millionaire or a billionaire yet they are, for some reason, much more scared of life, much more anxious and much more depressed than you are or ever will be. 

Tomorrow has a few good surprises in store and who knows what new gadgets and wonders and new good friends this next decade will bring. 

Pastor Joel Osteen said that a building while under construction will look messy and disorganized but that doesn't bother the architect because he knows a building is a work in progress and he knows the final result. God is the architect in your life and just because your life is messy right now doesn't surprise God because you are a work in progress. God has a schedule for all of life and that includes you. And me as well. God knows the final result. You are on a mission called life and God has plans for all of us. 

Thank God for the gift of life. 

I am rehearsing what I am going to say to my ENT doctor: "Doctor, a doctor at the walk in clinic told me to use saline solution to wash out my nose and then to use the fucidin you prescribed me. The sore is still there. Would bacitracin or mupirocin work? I learned that doctors use differential diagnosis and this is something that a person can not get through googling symptoms. Doctor I am worried that this might be cancer. Sores that don't go away after antibiotics could be cancer. If it is, I have to be prepared to be euthanized. I would need a biopsy. I also learned that the blood vessels in the bridge of the nose is called Kiesselbach's plexus. Doctor, could this be mucomycosis or nasal polyps?"

A shortened version could be:  "Would bacitracin or mupirocin work? Is this cancer? If it is, I will have to be prepared to be euthanized. Is this mucomycosis or nasal polyps? Could I get a biopsy?" 

Wednesday, April 20, 2022

Today I went to Sidney BC. I was going to do a short video about the museum but the museum was closed. The museum is closed on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I'll go back another day. I took a few other pictures but not too many.  The last time I was there, I was in the grip of an anxiety disorder. There was a small amount of anxiety but nowhere near what it had been. I'm getting better. It was cloudy in Sidney today and windy as well. Sidney BC is a great town and I'd like to move there one day however it would be a miracle if that ever happens. 

I took a few pictures when I was there. About 50 pictures. However here are a few of them. I get OCD when I take pictures and that disturbs me about myself. That's crazy. But some of the best YouTubers are crazy when it comes to making videos like Jean Claude Van Couver and Watched Walker and Free Jazz. 

Sidney BC is a beautiful town.

There is a seagull on top of the show dome. How rare and special is that? 

This reminds me of the great tulip fiasco. 

Thursday, April 21, 2022

Woke up feeling fear. A deep pervasive fear although I'm not as scared as I was a few months ago. 

I thought of going to the Sidney BC museum to do a video for YouTube. Wh should I do that? Why do I get these ideas? I don't have to be "that guy". There are already enough videos and photographs of that museum online. A female security guard told me to call, email or ask in person first if it's OK to photo and video exhibits for YouTube. Then I have to edit the video. My computer had an overhaul and I'm not sure if if Windows Movie Maker is installed. I could install a video editing app off of my tablet. More stress. 

I think that doing a video of the Sidney BC museum on YouTube would be crazy. I want to be completely normal and not crazy at all. I asked my girlfriend if she thought me doing a video of the museum would be crazy. Would people think that's crazy? She said, "No, people like creative things and they like museums."

There are a few dioramas at the Sidney museum. 

Ones that I will do:

1. View of the exterior of museum. 

2. Lego exhibit. 

3. Old storefront. 

4. Old stove set up. 

Ones I won't do unless I'm obsessive and have OCD. 

1. Critchley's General Store. 

2. Old schoolroom. 

I think I'm losing my mind and going crazy. 

I called the Sidney Museum this morning at 10 am. I only got an answering machine. Maybe 10 am sharp is a little too early. Sometimes small town museums open as much as 15 minutes late. Anyways I turned off caller ID on my iPhone 7. I'm worried that people will share or even sell my phone number. However I think that most people have no problem with showing their phone number. When the Police call, it will usually say "Caller ID withheld".  

When I was in Dawson Creek, the RCMP called me a few times though it was less than five times in total in the five and a half years I was there. I love the RCMP. I was arrested for marijuana possession but the charges were later dropped. When I was in the hoosegow for a few hours, they treated me to a chicken dinner. It was a large chicken breast patty with the meat of one chicken not like chicken nuggets which can have the meat of 100 different chickens. I didn't finish the meal because I thought if I did, it would create an omen that I'd be arrested and thrown in prison again and I didn't want that. I mean, who does? Yet I remember that it was a good dinner. 

Some of the best people have been arrested at one time or another when they were young such as Bill Gates. George W Bush got arrested when he was young as the movie W depicts. 

When I was in Sidney BC yesterday, I saw a small sticker on some windows. It was a Police badge shaped sticker. It was something about the RCMP and LGBTs. The sticker had the 6 colour LGBT rainbow so instead of the usual ROY G. BIV as would be expected from a usual rainbow, it is Roy G. BI. Typical. 

I didn't read the sticker or really know what it read. I didn't really want to do that. I was preoccupied with other things. 

The sticker reminded of the rainbow coloured RCMP buffalo I saw in a recent very strange dream otherwise I wouldn't have even noticed it. Dreams can be very freaky and I often see disturbing things in dreams making me wake up with fear, thinking that I'm either crazy or committed a crime after having such a disturbing batshit crazy dream. 

I was at the Sidney Bakery yesterday. When asked if I wanted a receipt instead of saying "Sure!" like I usually do, I said, "Oh Allright, if you want." As the cashier handed me the receipt, he said, "I don't have to." He looked rather distracted and somewhat non-plussed. I walked away thinking I made a mistake. That feeling stayed with me all day and into today. I felt utterly wretched. 

This wouldn't stop me from visiting the Sidney Bakery again. I'll go there again! 

I still feel fear everyday. I think my old age will be full of fear, senility, anxiety, lost sex drive and all around craziness. 

When you're young, it's the 1,001 thousand and one details. When you get past 50, it's the 10,001 ten thousand and one details. Even if there is a treatment that extends life to hundreds of years, I wouldn't take it. Information overload or what? It's bad enough at over 50. 

Life gets more difficult when one gets old. It's as if life's most difficult and challenging test is saved for last. But otherwise, what is the alternative, dying young? It seems like a lose-lose situation. Life can be very scary. Thus I have fear every day. 

Prayer:

"Thank you God for guiding me in my steps. 

Thank you God for making my crooked paths straight. 

Thank you God for helping me find a way where I do not see a way."

I am going to say this prayer daily. 

In that way, my 50s are already better than my 40s. My daily mantra during my 40s was, "My life is going nowhere. I'm better off dead. I should get some heroin and overdose if it gets too difficult. Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing." That kind of thinking can run a person down and can lead to burnout. 

In my 50s, my daily mantra is, "Thank you God for the gift of life. The Lord is my shepherd. Glory to God in the highest. This the day that the Lord has made. I shall rejoice and be glad in it." This is better than thinking negative things and better than what I was thinking in my 40s. Youth is wasted on the young. Thinking things repetitively creates grooves in the brain like grooves on a record on a record player. These grooves can be over ridden with new grooves. 

A metaphor for a person's soul is a tree with many parts. The roots is what dies in the Earth when life is over. I think the roots die first before the rest of a tree dies. The main body of the tree is what a person appears as and this will last for eternity in the afterlife. The seeds is what reincarnates. Completely separated and yet somewhat connected to the tree. 

Radiosidney.ca Sidney BC's radio station works on the Internet on Google chrome. It doesn't work at all on Android Apps. The radio station has a powerful mystical small town Sidney vibe. It is a great radio station. 

Cutting tweezers. 

I was thinking of ordering cutting tweezers online to cut and snip away at the hard mucus in my left nostril. I told her that if I cut away too deep it could bleed incessantly. My girlfriend implicitly told me not to. She told me that it's better to be safe than sorry. She told me to see the ENT doctor. I am going to follow her advice and not order them although I feel really tempted to. I would also ask my ENT doctor who I have an appointment with the week after next if I should get cutting tweezers. The cutting twezzers, made in Pakistan are made to cut thin wire cost $24 plus taxes and shipping. 

The antibiotic cream the ENT doctor prescribed to me doesn't work. That's the thing with doctors. Whether they fully cure you or not, doctors still get paid. 

Doctors should only get paid if you're fully cured. 

A YouTube comment said that Canadian doctors don't care. From what I've seen, I agree. Canadian doctors don't care and they don't cure. 

In Africa, the doctors do care a the doctors are better there. I've read another YouTube comment that said that the medical system in Russia is better than it is in North America. 

I was sure angry when I was younger. My PTSD anxiety disorder will not permit me to be angry as anger triggers my anxiety. I am afraid to be angry. I tried to edit some angry things I said about people in the past on this blog. I am truly sorry that I was angry. Hopefully we all get less angry as we get older. Youth is wasted on the young if being young also means being angry. 

Sometimes anger is a waste of time if you're angry at someone to get them to correct mistake patterns in their life but they don't care and don't listen even after months of anger. This can lead to burnout. 

"Every man has breaking point. You and I have one. Walt Kurtz has reached his and very obviously he has gone insane." Apocalypse Now

The 6 foot long telephone wire I had been using to connect my Blu ray player to my modem to get internet was broken on one end yet it still  worked. That is until a couple of days ago. The signal kept cutting out because the wire was disattaching itself from the port. This was a good thing. 

I thought of going to a computer store to get a new wire that would have been $30 for a 6 foot telephone wire. My neighbour had a wire but it was only two feet long. 

Finally I went into settings on my blu ray player and went to wireless. I entered my modem password and it worked! I could have done this two or three years ago! I found this out today. 

Friday, April 22, 2022

Today is a great day. I got a ride in a BMW! A sweet lady whom I know gave me a last minute surprise ride in a BMW to Walmart. At Walmart, I got some salmon = salmon sashimi. 

The BMW was a 4 door with standard transmission, not automatic transmission. It was a sweet ride. It was a dream come true. BMW is a great car. Although the ride was a heavenly experience and the fulfillment and culmination of a major fantasy, BMWs aren't that much different than most other cars. The dashboard of a modern BMW is much like other cars. I like the 80s BMWs. Still this car was like riding on a cloud. It was very smooth. 

I wouldn't want to get a BMW even if I inherited money and what's the likelihood of that? With a car, there are too many things to think about. Parking, gas, insurance, repairs, maintenance. Too much. Purchasing the car would be the cheap part. And getting into a serious accident resulting in manslaughter and doing time for that is much much worse than not having a car at all. The odds of this are so low that it hasn't stopped most people from getting a car. 

You never know what good surprises life can bring. Yesterday, I saw a YouTube video thumbnail: 'Tomorrow before 5:30 pm, someone will drop you a miracle.' I didn't believe it but the ride in the BMW was my miracle. 

Life is full of good surprises. 

I still tend to think that a BMW is over rated. You are mostly paying for the name brand. Toyota are under rated. The Japanese have high technology and Toyota is the most reliable car. 

All cars are fun to drive until the novelty wears off then it's just a chore. Stuck in rush hour traffic. Forget it! 

I am just as happy if not happier riding the bus. 

I walked back from Walmart today. I had $5 and not much more in my wallet. Usually I go on two way round trips to Walmart on the bus with $5. Heck, the other day I went on a two way round trip to Sidney BC on the bus for $5. To go on a one way trip from Walmart on the bus for $5 is extravagant and pricey. I'm not rich like Elon Musk. Otherwise I would have done it. 

On the walk back, I picked up a broken glass jar on the street and threw it in the garbage. Who knows what damage it would have otherwise done. I do things like that all the time. Of course I get no good karma for doing that. I get nothing at all for doing that. That's the forces of life fer ya. But I don't get bad karma for doing that and thus, that is the good karma I get. Sometimes when I pick up broken glass off the sidewalk and throwing it away, I often find something good on the street. The other day, I found a nice brown suede leather jacket that was from Paris France. Pretty good. So I get good karma after all. 

Can you imagine me having a ride in a BMW? 

Saturday, April 23, 2022

I saw two and then three otters at the wharf in Victoria BC near the Empress Hotel. I never seen a live otter before. I was there at the right time. Five minutes earlier or later I would have missed it. 

I also saw a Star Wars storm trooper sticker on a white SUV. Two minutes earlier or later I would have missed it. I stood and looked at it instead of walking on because last night I had a Star Wars dream. Darth Vader was in a room in a house. There was an open doorway with a concealed stairway going up and to the right. Darth Vader was expecting Darth Maul to come down the staircase. There was a howling scream coming from the stairway and then instead of Darth Maul, Boba Fett emerged. Then I saw myself looking at frames of an animation app animating another Star Wars cartoon. 

I have an intrusive and unwanted thought. It's about the Sidney Bakery. 

The Sidney Bakery sells pizzas. This is my intrusive and unwanted thought:

A gay man walks into the Sidney Bakery. He says to the clerk, and the clerk could either be female or male depending on who's working there that day, "You sell pizzas. That's interesting." 

The clerk says, "Would you like a pizza?" 

The gay man says, "I don't like pizzas. I like sausages." But he lisps and says the word sausages like "thauthages". 

There is a mixture of reactions from other customers in the store ranging  from shock to laughter. 

Monday, April 25, 2022

The clicking in my left ear has returned three days ago on Saturday. It's still ear, I mean it's still here. I thought it was from me using earplugs to sleep but I've been using them for decades with no problem. It went away over time before so it might do that again. My left ear clicks whenever I yawn or burp. It's otherwise painless. As long as something is painless and it doesn't interfere with my hearing, I won't really care about it. Just like the thing in my nose. I removed it again through scratching it with my fingernail. It is otherwise painless and doesn't affect my breathing or my sense of smell. 

If the clicking in my left ear goes away, I will let you know. 

I'm falling apart at the seams, it seems. 

That's what getting older is, that is, accumulating all kinds of bodily issues and bodily noises. 

I think that my ear clicking might be eustachian myoclonus. 

When I was young, any health issue is written off as routine wear and tear and since I was young, I'd most likely survive and live for quite awhile. Now being over 50, health issues are thought of a problem of being old and that I might die soon even though they're the same health issues. 

I walked to the beach again, today. 

If I were to visit Vancouver today, I would not be going to UBC. I haven't been to Vancouver in 11 years. The first time back, take it slow, take it easy and don't attempt too much. Downtown and then UBC every time would make each trip a repetitive trip. The first time, visit the radius that includes Granville St, Burrard Street, Robson Street, Vanier Park and Granville Island. Then Granville Street again. 

The Downtown Eastside is to be avoided although that area brings nostalgia reminiscent of Victorian London at Christmastime. Canada Post is opting not to deliver mail to certain parts of the Downtown Eastside starting April 2022. From all reports, those areas have degenerated and full of undisciplined adult delinquents. The area is mismanaged. You have poverty pimps one one end and indifferent incompetent city officials on the other end. I'm glad I never had any children as the World is getting worse and worse. 

Anyone who has children is an idiot seeing the way the World is going, climate change etc Anyone who has children are simply representative of the Duning-Kruger effect that is people who are idiots think that they are smarter than they are. Or at any rate they think that they're smart enough to have children. A lot of children wind up in homes that take money off their welfare cheque promising to put it aside for when they turn 18. As soon as they turn 18, they are given $250, who knows what happened to the rest of that money. And they are 18 left to fend for themselves on the streets and winding up homeless. I wonder who their idiot parents were who thought they could have children. More semi-educated narcissists who really didn't think things through. I myself know that I couldn't and therefore wouldn't have children. At least I thought things through. There's no way to win in having children. Be on the hook for child support financially and then to go through parental burnout? Uh, no thanks! 

The adult delinquents in the downtown eastside were once children of those who actually thought that they could competently be parents. Guess not! 

Lament for the human species. It's largely a garbage species. 

My line ends with me. I will never have children. I'm the end of the line. 

UBC is fucked. In its current iteration, masking indoors is mandatory until June 30, at least. That includes the Museum of Anthropology and even then, the best part of it, the Great Hall is under renovation and closed to the public. 

The only parts of Vancouver worth visiting is downtown, Granville Island, Stanley Park, Vanier Park and UBC. The rest of Vancouver is prosaic indifferent boring and sprawling suburbs or else the picaresque squalid degenerating drug addled and drug saturated downtown eastside. This isn't only my opinion. Read comments on the internet anywhere about the downtown eastside. 

Anyways my internet career is dead. Just about no one sends me comments and when they do at least 50% of them are unwanted snarky garbage comments. People who send such comments work in a pattern and that's the kind of comments they usually send to other people. Why would I be the first or the last to receive these types of comments from any given one of them? 

Elon Musk is buying Twitter for $44 billion which is overpriced. Twitter isn't worth $44 billion. Like someone once said, Twitter is like the YouTube comments section but without the YouTube videos to go with it. To say that Twitter is the Mercedes Benz of chatrooms is like saying coffee that is shit out from a monkey's ass is the Mercedes Benz of coffees. Twitter is an over glorified chatroom. And drinking coffee gives me hella anxiety. I quit coffee. 

Twitter was a leftist platform. Elon Musk is a right wing capitalist who prizes free speech and is lifting the leftist lifetime bans that Twitter is known for. 

Even then, I wouldn't go back on Twitter. Life is full of a thousand and one details and Twitter is just another one of these extraneous details with unwanted fake celebrity accounts that follow you for no reason. 

Twitter is like an app I got tired of and uninstalled years ago. 

It's a silly trend like the pet rock and with a 150 character limit, about as useful. 

Donald Trump won't go back on twitter even if Elon Musk's TwitTesla, I mean Twitter reinstates him. Trump is using a platform called Truth. 

I won't visit the downtown eastside but I would live there. If you're on welfare, Vancouver's downtown eastside is better. There's more women and more selection when it comes to finding a girlfriend who puts out. Victoria BC has way less of a selection of women in your class. Middle class women are uppity, impervious and just as prosaic as the suburban neighborhoods they live in. If you're on welfare, being friends with a woman from the middle class is a waste of time. Vancouver has lots to do. Vancouver is an exciting city. Victoria is a boring repetitive fishbowl existence with not that much to do except to visit the same old tourist traps over and over again day in and day out. It's trading one set of advantages and disadvantages for another. 

Small towns pros- slower pace of life cons- fishbowl existence day in day out, boring

Big cities pros- dynamic intellectual lots to do Cons- faster pace of life, tendency to slum areas where you have no chance of making any friends from the middle class if that's your thing but why would that be any kind of priority? It's best to make friends with people from your own class. 

I know the downtown eastside from years of living there. From that familiarity, I get a nostalgia that one can only get from living at a place for years. 

The reports that the neighborhood is getting more dissolute, more delinquent and more mismanaged makes me stay in this boring repetitive fishbowl existence of a town so there's no way for me to win. If God has no plans for me perhaps he could end my life early with a quick heart attack or something. Life is a trap. It's a no-win situation and a raw deal. I've lived long enough. Life has lost all its magic for me. 

In life, there's no way to win. Which is why I'm glad I never had children. Poor people tend to be delinquent with drug and alcohol issues. Middle class people tend to be boring, prosaic and imperious and insufferable. 

Rich people, well the Bible says that they will die like animals. That's not from me, that's from the Bible, from Psalm 49:20. 

Jesus himself said, "It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich man to enter the kingdom of heaven." 

But if Christianity were true, why are there so many religions each claiming to have the monopoly on truth? That's the wretched human species. Again, glad I never had children. 

Tuesday, April 26, 2022

I wake up scared and dreading the future. The scared comes from realizing that I'm trapped in an awful situation that is working for the handicapped lady. I force myself to work for her. I don't have the heart to abandon her so I only have myself to blame. Without talking to her, I'd have that much less of a social life. I am forced to live another 20 years or so or maybe even more of uncertainty and possibly fear. I don't know if I have the strength to live the rest of my life. My life is a mess. I made too many mistakes. 

Thorsten Veblen said that "Conspicuous consumption and absence of menial labour are signs of the upper class." Me working for the handicapped lady is menial labour. I can't help it. And I can't quit smoking tobacco. Those are my biggest problems I do to myself. Enemies don't have to sabotage my life. I sabotage my own life just fine. Hence the fear. 

Have faith. God is always with me. I hope that God can show his presence in my life. Even faith the size of a mustard seed. 

A lot of times we stress and when we look back, it wasn't anything to stress about. 

I think about visiting Vancouver with my scooter and then I chicken out and cancel it. 

Traveling makes problems at home seem smaller. Traveling gives confidence. Travel and returning home starts a new chapter and things change for the better. Vancouver is a heavenly town that can bring feelings of bliss. Actually every town is like that once you get to know it. I've felt bliss in every town I've ever lived in for any amount of time. 

The first time back in Vancouver, don't try to take on too much. Just go within a certain radius and then return. I have indecision and slight anxieties as to what to eat. What can it matter as long as I eat something, I can't go wrong. I thought of wonton noodles or else hard shell tacos or sushi or calamari or any combination of the above. 

I'm spite of everything, thank God for the gift of life. 

Today, I had calamari with Caesar salad from Opa at the mall food court. 

I saw Fantastic Beasts The Secrets of Albus Dumbledore today in the theater. Great movie. Mind blowing CGI. Gorgeous cinematography and great nostalgic vibes from the old times. Spectacular movie. 

This despite me not having seen the precursor movie, Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. 

One scene in the movie was when the characters touched a random spot on a brick wall and a passage doorway opened. My jaw dropped when I saw that. I had a dream that aliens on a spaceship touched any random spot on the wall made of silver colored stainless steel and a circle formed and a doorway opened. In the circle two overlapping circles that slid away from each other sideways was what furthered formed the basis of the open doorway. The walls on the spaceship were curved along the ceiling and the floor rather than forming a traditional 90 degree L shape. There is a wall like that in the Space Centre at the Museum of Vancouver:

The ceiling part of the display at the space centre at the Museum of Vancouver is curved anyways, if not the floor. 

Someone said in an NDE video on YouTube that during their NDE they visited a planet of humans with advanced technology a few thousand years ahead of ours. They went to a city made up of large buildings with no windows and no doors. They approached a wall and just touched it anywhere and a doorway opened. We simply don't have this technology today. But the Fantastic Beasts movie had that technology. 

This can probably be done with a video game on a tablet or even a virtual reality video game but in real life, forget it. Not for a few hundred years or maybe it can be done much sooner than that, but how? 

This is analogous to the core principle of quantum physics: there is no there, there is only here. There is no past or future, there is only now. 

Or this could be analogous to a wormhole. In space. 

At the medical walk in clinic on Pandora Street in Victoria BC, the place where the floor meets the wall is curved and not the traditional 90 degree L shape. I noticed it right away because I got the reference point from that spaceship and aliens dream I had. The ceiling at that walk in clinic where it meets the wall is the traditional 90 degree L shape. 

This afternoon, I went to UVIC. Great University. Very similar vibes to UBC. I don't know if I'll go to UBC on my first trip back to Vancouver. So at least I visited a University. I sure get the University vibes big time at UVIC. There is a food court there at the Cassells Centre that reminded me of the food cafeteria set up at UBC in the 80s. I even told that to a worker there. She said that she doesn't remember the 80s. 

UVIC is certainly a sibling of UBC. 

I bought a pizza slice at the cafeteria at UVIC that I took home. 

I don't know how long I'll be working for the handicapped lady who is my friend, Heather. It seems to be without end. Another month past of work work work. Next month will be another month of work work work. The duties are bring her coffee from the soup line which has free coffee, put on her knee brace, make her bed, on most if not all afternoons I take her out to a bench so she won't be in her room 24 hours a day, early evening, wash her dishes though it's not a lot of dishes, then in the evening I put on her knee brace after she has changed into her pajamas and make her bed again. All in all, it's less than an hours work in total but it's pretty much 7 days a week. I hope that she moves into an assisted living facility but that doesn't look like it's going to happen soon. I'll work for her until I get another nervous breakdown and burnout and only then I would simply have to stop working for her. But I'll see her around and that will guilt trip me into working for her. She looks awful when I don't work for her. When I work for her she looks better. She's a taker and really tests the limits of a friendship. 

Her nurse today was totally incompetent and barely if ever did put on her knee brace. What the nurses don't do, what she can't do, I wind up doing. I wonder why God placed the likes of someone like her into my life. She's a burden and exasperating. I'll be glad to see the last of her. All things change and eventually I won't have to work for her anymore. 

Most cases of caregiver burnout are worse. Caregivers have to cook and help with going to the washroom and doing laundry and going shopping for. They work for several hours a day. Eventually most caregivers abandon their patients or else risk having a nervous breakdown and a whopping major case of anxiety. 

Pastor Joel Osteen talks about the hand of God. I run into weird people every day. If that's the hand of God, then God has a weird hand. 

Try not to be a burden to others and don't let others be a burden to you. 

I've let Heather become a burden to me. 

Heather otherwise gives nothing at all back to society. She is a bottomless pit of burden. I will have to quit working for her one day. I'm not legally required to work for her. I've worked for her longer than anyone else in the building would. There are some people in the building who do worse jobs and for longer. There is at least one person who cleans dirty toilets which is a worse job than working for Heather. Some work as janitors or else cashiers for 4 or else 8 hours a day. Now that's work! I guess I'm getting off lightly but it's otherwise a job I don't have to do at all. I hope that she moves to another and better place one day. The medical system in Canada is appalling and atrocious. 

I wonder if she will die. I worry about that. She has a thyroid problem and is very overweight as to be obese. She has a stomach that is way too large. Either stomach or liver, I don't know. Not in the best of shape. I worry on any given day that I will go visit her one morning and find out that she died. In the movie The Man Who Stared At Goats, Ewen MacGregor has a fat obese colleague who dies of a heart attack one day leaving him to go on an adventure. Deaths are very traumatic and anxiety inducing. 

I do love her very much otherwise I wouldn't have worked for her half as much as I did but it's taking its toll on my anxiety. Work 7 days a week for months on end with no end in sight. My life is awful. 

My landlord told me today that years ago before I moved in, two junkies overdosed in my apartment room. It was a couple. The woman survived but the man died, so I'm living in an apartment room that someone once died in. 

This is the day that the Lord has made. I shall rejoice and be glad in it. 

Well today, I had calamari, I saw Fantastic Beasts and I visited UVIC. It was quite a day. As well, I saw my friend Suzie today. It was a great day. 

Wednesday, April 27, 2022

I went to Walmart today. 

I found out today that the King George 6 statue at UBC has been removed for construction. No word as to whether or not it will be restored. 

A man asked his doctor, "When will the pandemic end?" 

The doctor said, "I don't know. I'm not a politician."*

*source: commenter: cakegolem 

California Introduces Bill To Silence Doctors Over Covid. Jimmy Dore Show. YouTube 

The body can heal itself, the mind will heal the body and the placebo effect will work only if the parasympathetic nervous system or else a relaxed calm state is present when the amygdala is relaxed. 

If the sympathetic nervous system is on, the amygdala is activated and the flight or flight response is present then the mind won't be able to heal the body.*

*source: Lissa Rankin. Mind Over Matter. Google Talks. YouTube. 

Thursday, April 28, 2022

Today, I went to Vancouver! 

Even though I got there at noon and stayed til 5:15, it wasn't enough. 

Vancouver is a utopia, a heaven, a paradise and those words still aren't good enough to describe Vancouver. Vancouver is beyond that. 

I woke up at 6:00 am and left at 6:40 am. I was lucky enough to get on the  bus right away as soon as I left my hotel. I got to the ferry terminal and waited an hour an 15 minutes before boarding. Ferry trip was an hour and a half. Bus ride to Bridgeport Skytrain station was 1 hour. Skytrain to Downtown Vancouver on Granville and Georgia was 30 minutes. 

I went to Pacific Centre Mall. It was a real mall much bigger and more high tech and modern and opulent than any malls in this town. 

I then went to the Vancouver Art Gallery courtyard. 

Then to the Vancouver Museum and Maritime Museum. I bought some Stilton and Wensleydale cheese at a cheese shop. 

Then I went to UBC and then to trail 3. Trail 3 was like heaven itself. So heavenly. 

Then I made my way back. It was a long slog to get back to Victoria. 

I have to save money and then get a credit card so I can stay at a hotel in Vancouver overnight. 

Or stay overnight on Wreck Beach or thereabouts for free. "Wreck ranchers" stay overnight on Wreck Beach the whole year round. It's the best place in Vancouver to be homeless if you don't mind climbing those stairs and if you don't mind being homeless. 

I took my scooter with me. I did my usual tricks and parkour with the scooter. I took the scooter I found a few weeks ago in James Bay. 

I plan to move back to Vancouver in a couple of years. I'd even settle for living in the downtown Eastside although I don't know how much time I'd actually spend there. I want to grow old going to UBC and Kitsilano all the time. Vancouver is the real deal. Why did I leave Vancouver all those years ago then? I wanted to travel and a chance to live in other towns. I thought I could find a town better than Vancouver. I had always wondered what living in Victoria is like. Victoria is a great city but Vancouver is the pith of utopia and paradise. Nobody verbally abused me in Vancouver today which is a very pleasant thing. 

I conquered my fears and went back to Vancouver. I am proud of myself for that. It was on my 51st year. My 51st year just about started with me going through burnout and PTSD and it just about ended with me going on a trip to heavenly Vancouver. 

I will upload a video of my trip to Vancouver to YouTube within a few days. 

I didn't go to Granville Island. Not enough time. I was able to make it to trail 3 but didn't go to the beach. Again, not enough time. 

My total expenditures including all transportation, museum admissions and all food came to a whopping $130. Pricey but worth it. And I was cutting back, budgeting and economizing. I could have had a couple more meals but didn't. 

Friday, April 29, 2022

Oh dear. I went to Vancouver with my scooter that had wheels made of vulcanized rubber with hard plastic spokes. I made it through the day. The screw holding the front wheel was loose. So loose I could tighten it with my hand. You're not supposed to move it with your hand at all. Good thing it didn't decouple completely at the wrong moment because I could have had a face plant. 

Today I replaced the wheels with wheels made of vulcanized rubber with metal spokes that I bought at a local scooter shop for $80. 

An angel protected me even though I had a loose screw on my front wheel. 

It's not the first time. In 2003, I found out that I had been riding awhile with one screw of the two screws missing. I could have definitely had an accident or else wiped out but didn't. The wheel stayed on. I found out about it and somehow had the screw replaced. I think I went to a scooter shop and bought one. 

I woke up this morning with fear. I had an afternoon nap and woke up with fear. Hopefully it's just a phase. During my teens and twenties, I woke up with fear then too but it went away.  Now it's back. You can go through phases when you're old too. You don't have to be young to go through a phase. 

"First there is a mountain, then there is no mountain, then there is a mountain again." Zen riddle

Someone gave me a slip of paper with a message on it, "Don't sweat the small stuff."

Saturday, April 30

Vancouver could be renamed Heavenly Vancouver. Vancouver is the Big Heaven. Victoria BC is the little heaven. I have so many memories of blissful days in Victoria. 

If a person reaches enlightenment or nirvana or satori, then every place they go, every thought they think brings waves of unending bliss. 

"There is no mountain separation and no river barrier, the great light of the dharmakya penetrates every corner of the world." Buddhism

If I think that Vancouver is a sheer heaven, I might be partially enlightened. I'm sure some people go to Vancouver and think, "whatever..." and feel just as depressed as ever. If I can think of Vancouver as a utopia, a heaven, a paradise then I am probably partially enlightened. 

There are no absolutes. It is only shades of grey. The most best cheerful wonderful people can disappoint and the worst delinquent jerks can sometimes be pleasantly surprising. 

Do rich people get depressed? From researching online, the term 'leisure class' is a misnomer especially these days. Looking upwards and comparing yourself to people who are even more super wealthy than you is a sure recipe for depression. Having more on your plate, more responsibilities, more things to keep track of can be overwhelming. Information overload. A few poor people are hoarders but all billionaires are hoarders by proxy. Hoarding cars, real estate etc. A poor person living in a rooming house in a single room only has one room full of things, trinkets, knick knacks to deal with. A millionaire has lots and lots of rooms full of things, etc to deal with and sort out. Overload. 

Nothing can make you happy until no thing can make you happy. *

*source: reddit, Do rich people get depressed

Mo money, Mo problems - Notorious B.I.G.*

*source: Ibid

I'm going to move back to Vancouver in a couple of years. 

I will try to explain this: On YouTube, for content creators, on the Your Videos dashboard if you selected your video as public rather than unlisted or private, there is usually a globe icon. 

On my Siamese twins cartoon video there is an exclamation mark with a circle around it icon in place of the usual globe icon. 

On my Jimi Hendrix drum videos which I since set to  there is a red circle with a red line through it like the no smoking but without the cigarette  icon in place of the usual globe icon. And after over a year, there was only one view or no views. 

I produce videos to try to entertain people or make them happy and that's what I get in return. YouTube can be a very awful corporation. Of course view counts and icons can be manipulated to disguise the real truth that they are making money off of my video and that video is a very popular one and a money maker. That's the kind of standard deal. They can take a video that you created and give you absolutely nothing for that, while they make 100% of the money. It's a sleazy set up, it's a bullshit scenario. 

It's a rip off. That's the dark side of the human species. 

It's an awful system. If you're a talented musician and have a record deal, on one end, executives rip you off through withholding your true record sales and siphoning money off you and radio stations play your music without paying you royalties and on the other hand, the money challenged segments of the public download or record using a tape recorder your music and you get nothing for that. 

As a writer, publishers rip you off and libraries lend out your books for free and second hand bookstores get rich selling second hand copies of your book from which you certainly don't get paid. 

People are probably making money off of my blogs. I never got any money at all for my decades of writing. Sure, me and millions of others. 

It almost makes life not worth living if you are a talented artist of any kind but of course you have to go on living. The right thing to do is to leave life in the hands of God. Don't ever give up. 

A lot of people are wise to this. There are a lot of computer programmers and even hackers and even people who own computer stores who would never upload a video to YouTube knowing that it's a potential waste of time and energy. Give out a certain kind of energy and get nothing in return or else a worse kind of energy in return. My advice to people thinking of getting in YouTube is that it's most likely a waste of time and energy that will take you nowhere. The side you see is that you don't get a lot of views or subscribers. The side you don't see is that you are actually very popular, threateningly popular so they withhold your true level of fame, notoriety and royalties from you. I'd think twice about uploading to YouTube if you haven't ever done it. There are lots of famous YouTubers but no one I know of or even met. Anybody I know who's been on YouTube has very few views and make no money off of it. But that leaves the door open to leave. 

Get a lot of subscribers and comments, and even money and then it becomes an insidious trap, impossible to leave and will change the center of gravity of your life. 

For example, iJustine. If she never got on YouTube maybe she would have gotten married and had children. But most guys aren't YouTube stars like her and she might not think that they're good enough for her. The money she gets and the volume of subscribers and comments she gets comes with a stipulation that she be chained to making YouTube videos for life. She can probably quit anytime though. Who knows the future? She could still get married etc if that's what she wants. I wish her the best. 

Meanwhile being on YouTube has done next to nothing for for me. In an ideal world or ideal reality, I would have been making just enough to live in a nice part of Vancouver. I don't know if I care about owning a car such as an 80s BMW or not. That's a 40 year old fantasy. So old that's its almost a regression. Besides I'd rather ride the bus. Owning a car is too much of a hassle. Too much to think about. Cars are high maintenance. 

But it's not over yet, it's a work in progress. One day I could conceivably get money for my cartoons, my videos, travel videos and my writing. Fred Herzog didn't really get famous until late in life. I read somewhere on the internet, "Life isn't fair but in the end, nobody gets ripped off." 

"It will be all right in the end. If it's not all right, it's not the end." 

I'm going to move back to Vancouver in a couple of years. I'm a places over people kind of person and I'm mainly a loner. Of course I could also save up and live in Vancouver for a month once every couple of years. I'd stay in the affordable downtown eastside. Of course I would be spending a lot of time there. During the day I'd go to Kitsilano, UBC, downtown, Granville Island and even go visit Metrotown and Lougheed Mall and Park Royal Mall in North Vancouver and Stanley Park. 

I don't know if I'd get my damage deposit back, but there's a good chance that I would. It would have to be a month of no internet, living off the grid or using the internet at the Library once a day or every few days unless I can get a wireless modem that connects to free WiFi. Without the internet and YouTube, I'd miss Douglas Bloch and Joel Osteen, iJustine, Mysterious Traveler radio shows, Sidneyradio.ca, etc etc etc. 

I could play just about all apps that I like on the tablet such as Crown Solitaire, Subway Surfers, Bird Color Sort, Toon Math, League of Quiz, Monopoly Solitaire, etc offline without the internet or WiFi. And I could listen to music on my Sony Walkman mp3 player. 

Despite appearances the downtown eastside of Vancouver is safe. There is a strong sense of community and people there look out for one another. 

Most violent assaults there are as a result of people getting what's coming to them. Usually it's a result of someone ripping someone off in a drug deal. 

Debbie Hellion recently said that the stranger assaults were not from people from the downtown eastside. But when the News talked about the stranger assaults they cast a picture of the downtown eastside on screen. That's fake news and propaganda. News = Non Ending Worrying Shit

Just don't spend a lot of time in the downtown eastside. Visit other areas during the day. Of course a lot of people spent years living in the downtown eastside and staying there all day and nothing or else not much happened to them. 

I saw a CBC video about people in the downtown eastside not getting mail and you'd be surprised at who lives in the downtown eastside. I saw a young blonde lady, quite pretty and a Philippines lady with two children who live in the downtown eastside. 

Other neighborhoods are more dangerous than the downtown eastside. The internet said that parts of Surrey and sometimes Westbrook Mall is more dangerous than the downtown eastside. Especially at night. Don't go wandering around too late at night and even then it's mostly safe. I know of people who love to go on a walk around at three in the morning. 

I'm thinking of getting a Razor E90 electric scooter. It's the cheapest scooter at $199. It's a child's scooter. It goes up to 10 miles an hour. The handlebar height is short. I've thought of electric scooters since 1999. $199 is a hefty pricey price tag. Where would I ride it to? If I see one secondhand that someone could sell to me at a reduced price, I might get it. Most YouTube videos that feature this scooter depicts children using it. I actually don't know if I need an electric scooter and thoughts of getting one brings me anxiety. The wheels on this model are made of polyurethane. I prefer vulcanized rubber. I won't get one. 

I still suffer from anxiety. It comes from being in an exploitative situation and being unable to stop myself from doing it that is helping Heather in the wheelchair. When will this stop? I can't quit without feeling guilty. The medical industry won't bring her to an assisted living facility. I'm trapped in this situation. I might have another burnout nervous breakdown. 

I still have anxiety big time. I might be fucked up for life. 

I love Heather. She is beautiful like a cat. I like to help her. She is sweet. I know I complained lots in the past but that's because my brain is defective. I really do love my sweetness.