Saturday, July 1, 2023
I visited Heather. We went to Burger King. Then we went to the Canada Day celebration st the Legislative Building. Heather got a big bag of popcorn and I got her a double scoop ice cream cone.
I then went home.
Sunday, July 2, 2023
I went to the Presbyterian Church. Then I went to the museum. Then I went to James Bay Inn and had a small order of chef salad. Then I went to the beach on Dallas Road near Beckley Manor.
I went to the second half of a classical music recital at the Presbyterian Church. Then I went to the afternoon choral worship at Christ Church Cathedral.
It was a good day. Better than just staying home all day.
The song Figure It Out from Ekkah is perfection. That song is 12 stars out of 10.
The song is transcendental and sheer perfection. Rebecca Wilson vocals and Rebekah Pennington keyboards used to be in the group Arcadian Kicks.
The group name Ekkah is from two syllables of the names of the two, Rebecca and Rebekah in the group.
What's Up from Ekkah is also a great song. Last Chance To Dance from Ekkah is also a great song. Very much recommended.
Monday, July 3, 2023
Went to Craigdarroch Castle, walked past the Art Gallery and then I went to Ox Kong noodles for a bowl of beef rice noodle and lamb skewers.
Tuesday, July 4, 2023
I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and got some honey garlic chicken. I then went to the pawn store and got a Blu Ray, Zack Snyder Justice League for free on store credit.
I found a marijuana vape pen. My friend first used it so I learned how to use it. I don't want to get into vape pens as they are an expensive extraneous variable. My vape pen I found was new and unopened. It's got a few tokes from it but should last awhile longer.
I found a Kolab Project 232 series 0.5 gram Live terpene all in one. It costs around $60 online.
I'm not perfect. I smoke tobacco and weed every day. My friends at Church don't smoke tobacco or weed nor are they alcoholics. They live in a rich house while I live in a rooming house. My friends at Church are perfect. I wish I was perfect like them. Some are old and have considerable physical health issues but in terms of moral perfection and not having any vices I wish I was perfect like them.
Wednesday, July 5, 2023
Tried to visit Heather. She wasn't home. I don't know if I'll try again today. I already tried. There's always next time. I suffer under a delusion thst if I don't visit her at least twice a week that she'll be hospitalized or worse. Maybe she won't be. I can stop visiting her for a year and she'd be all right. I hope that Heather heals and can walk again. I hope that her mind can be fully lucid one day.
I went to Ocean Garden Chinese restaurant and had some noodles. At the restaurant was a Black lady whom I met about 30 years ago in Vancouver. Nice lady. She put on a lot of weight since she was young. I said hello to her and wished her well. It was mutual.
Then I went home.
When I smoke weed, I feel fear. Life is overwhelming, I'm getting old, I'm a bad man and a degenerate addict because I smoke tobacco and marijuana. The marijuana part, just admitting this could get me barred from entering the United States.
My friends at Church can visit the United States any time because they have no history of any kind of drug use whatsoever. They have a perfect record.
I do well on US history trivia questions.
I'd rather not do anything that would get me barred from visiting the United States but here I am. How likely is it that I would visit the US? First it costs money but also I have fear, anxiety and laziness when it comes to travel. Even traveling to Vancouver involves a lot of details.
In my 40s I was ready in my mind to go to Europe at any time. Now a certain fear has set into my bones so I couldn't even imagine me going to Europe. And going to Europe costs more than going to the US. I would have traveled to London and perhaps Poland. One day if I get a million dollars I'll go to Europe. I wonder if I'll ever see any koknd of money from my cartoons in YouTube. My cartoons are amateur. Half ass professional cartoons requires a checklist of a minimum number of items and I haven't even achieved that.
The maximum number of items is limitless. Maybe someone will contact me and ask me to do a cartoon for them. I doubt it. Animation for advertising is usually done with an art firm which has a team of animators.
A good cartoons is usually wall to wall dialogue. My cartoons have a paucity of dialogue.
Cartoons need thick outlining lines. My cartoons have thin indistinguishable outlines.
Cartoons characters need to be able to turn their head and make all kinds of facial expressions. My cartoons don't often do that.
Cartoons is the utmost I could have taken my decades long art talent. For over a decade, I experimented and exhausted very idea my mind ever had. So I had my stint of doing cartoons. Doing cartoons involves a lot of work and details.
My cartoons projects are not savable on tablet so when I don't use a tablet anymore or wipe its memory all my Flip A Clip projects are lost. But once I uploaded them to YouTube and saved the completed movie onto my computer, who cares about the individual frames?
Thursday, July 6, 2023
Visited Heather. We went to Pizza Hut. We went to Yates Market where I got some beef jerky from Sidney BC and an apple donut. We then went to the Dollarama. I got a bottle of Jameson probiotics. I tried it for the first time it's suppose to enhance the life of microbiomes which activate the serotonin glands in the brain. I don't feel much better after eating them but I don't feel worse either.
Friday, July 7, 2023
I went to Craigdarroch Castle and then to a video store.
I visited the Wentworth Museum of Architecture for the first time. The price of admission is $10. There are about 4 models of houses and mainly a lot of photographs of old Victoria BC from over 100 years ago. It's a good museum.
I then went to Ox King Chinese restaurant and had some pork noodles. It was very good.
I get hung up about weird things. There's always a video I decided not to purchase at the time and the thought of that gets stuck in my mind. Today, the video is Paul Blart Mall Cop. I didn't think that I really wanted to see that movie. There are so many other movies. If I really wanted to see it, I could watch it on an online movie site or borrow it from the library. I could also repurchase it afterwards somewhere else. Hang ups. I just get hung up on trivial details.
At the video store, I got Apocalypse Now, The Other Guys and also Food Inc.
I get hung up on things and then I wonder why life itself overwhelms me. I think I might be crazy but I hope not. I hope to be perfect and normal.
I need to be perfect and normal like my friends at Church. They have no substance use issues including tobacco, weed or alcohol and they live in nice houses or apartments. Meanwhile I am addicted to tobacco and marijuana and I live in a rooming house. I'm not perfect. I'll just have to accept that. Plus I get the weirdest thoughts and I obsess over trivial things which makes me think I'm crazy. I wish to be 100% sane, not crazy.
Saturday, July 8, 2023
Visited sweet Heather. I met up with her at the Community Center where we had lunch. 2 slices of pizza, grapes and potato salad. Then we went to 7-11. Then we went to Chinatown.
Afterwards I walked to the video store and got the Blu Ray of Paul Blart Mall Cop.
I then visited Craigdarroch Castle. A black cat was there which let me pet her. She is so cute.
I then walked past the art gallery. I was listening to the song Delevans from Jeff Lorber.
On the way home, I ran into an old friend who is a Chinese lady.
This afternoon, I felt so disconnected from life but I'm feeling better now.
I'll most likely go to the Pride Parade tomorrow. I want to see the ladies who would be at the parade. Well, not all of them are actual ladies, I guess. Some would be men dressed as ladies but that's all par for the course at the putts from the rough parade.
The Pride Parade is a family friendly event just as Drag Queen Story time and the SOGI 123 school curriculum is a family friendly event.
Live and let live. There has been a gay community ever since the time of the Ancient Egyptians.
Some of the most talented people in history have been gay such as Leonardo da Vinci, Michelangelo, George Michael, Elton John, and William Burroughs and lesbians such as Ellen DeGeneres, Gertrude Stein, Georgia O'Keefe and Madonna.
At one time I wished that there was no such thing as gay people and that everyone in the World's history was 100% heterosexual. But then the World would have missed out on so many talented people.
The most important thing isn't a person's sexuality but their moral fiber and their skill set and what they could bring to the wider community of all people.
A person who is gay and a decent person is better than a heterosexual who abuses their spouse and children too.
One thing I really wish for is if life itself can arrange for me to meet an older or even old lady who has a really nice body, big tits who I can get it on with. I'd even be willing to pay money as long as the price is reasonable. However, I am not fully sure of the degree of my skill when it comes to getting it on. Will I be able to get it up? Whether one has sex or not, one is trading one set of worries for another. Life always has a way of bringing new people into a person's life and that includes really friendly old women with a nice body.
I wonder to what extent Viagra would help me.
Sunday, July 9, 2023
I went to the Presbyterian Church this morning. Afterwards I walked out with a young lady from the Church. It turns out that she is a hard drug user as she lit some orange colored drug on tinfoil and smoked it. After seeing that I got scared to walk with her. I left her and told her that I was going to go see the gay parade. I went back to Church and coffee hour. Then I went to see the last part of the gay parade. Not a lot if any women showing their bare beasts. After the parade, I joined in with the general March and we went to a park on Oswego Street. I went to Oswego Video and got a DVD of Stripes the extended version. Then I went to the park at Oswego. There were a lot of people there. It was exposure therapy. Being in a very large crowd sometimes is therapeutic.
Then I went to Ogden Point and I walked back home. I went to the Birdcage grocery store and I got a donut, a raspberry pastry, a Nanaimo bar, a pack of Reese's peanut butter cups and some milk for tea. I went home and got a $6 Korean corn dog from another store.
Overall today, I felt fear. I fear the future. Oh damn it, I've been afraid every day for years now. I think that I'll always be afraid. I fear growing old and I fear the future. I also fear life itself which tends to be overwhelming. And I fear death because death is scary and all people fear death. Life is scary, death is scary = existence is a trap.
The people at Church said to just live one day at a time.
I am afraid of the young lady at Church who as it turns out is a drug user. I fear the future. I fear getting old of which I am right in the middle of it now. I fear that I'm crazy. I wish to be perfect like the people at Church. But people at Church told me that no one is perfect and that people at Church live in all kinds of places, some are rich places but some are poor places.
I think I'm crazy but a lot of people at the gay parade are wearing things that if they wore that in public in the 50s, they would have been sent to a mental hospital. But all that is mainstream now but an offbeat version of mainstream just like in the 80s in Vancouver, the store Le Chateau was mainstream but the store Cabbages and Kinks was an offbeat version of mainstream.
I am glad that gay people aren't persecuted in North America like they are in Russia. But Putin himself said something like, "Gay people are accepted in Russia. Russians know that Elton John is a very talented musician. What the Russian government is against is the targeting of children." In this current incarnation of the international gay culture, there is a powerful undercurrent which is very proactive and places an emphasis on the objective to have the SOGI 123 school curriculum and drag queen story time. The Russian government is aware of this and seeks to stop that.
I am afraid that there really is no God who is looking out for each and every one of us. Indeed if God is the creator and orchestrator of the Universe including not just some but of all the galactic superclusters, looking out for humans on the Earth would be an extreme forum of micromanagement. Could God really diligently be effective at such levels of micromanagement? Jesus was the Son of God. Therefore he knows if there is intelligent life, heck even animal life on other planets. Jesus never talked about that. Also for a God of all galactic superclusters indeed all of the Universe to send one man who is the Son of God to one planet Earth in the midst of all these galactic superclusters is an extreme form of micromanagement.
The Milky Way is part of the local group of galaxies composed about 80 galaxies, some of them dwarf galaxies. This local group and 100 other local groups composing about 100,000 galaxies is part of the Virgo Supercluster. The Virgo Supercluster is a small part of the Laniakea Supercluster composed of tbousands of Virgo Supercluster sized superclusters.*
The Laniakea Supercluster is a tiny fraction of the Pisces Cletus Supercluster Complex which is a cosmic filament which is one of the largest structures in the Universe.
On the Google Play store there is a free movie streaming app called Pisces and there j's another free movie streaming app called Cetus.
Pisces free movie streaming app on the Google Play store.
Cetus free movie streaming app on the Google Play store. My review is on there!
The Hercules Corona Borealis Great Wall is 10 billion light years wide.*
The Milky Way is about 75,000 light years wide. Some galaxies are 200,000 light years wide such as the Andromeda galaxy.*
The sheer scale makes the notion that the God who created it else that created the Universe would also be interested in individual humans amazing.
I fear that there is no intelligent God who is looking out for us and that life is a product of random, nebulous and chaotic forces and that death or the afterlife is just as primordial and swampy and nebulous. We are all trapped in the soupy quagmire aka existence or life itself. Individually and collectively, we are doomed. I hope that religion is true and isn't lying to us because if it is, then we are all doomed.
*source: Space Is Terrifying - Astrophobia. YouTube channel: ElmoSanchez
Monday, July 10, 2023
The afterlife and the dreamworld exist under a different time dynamic or else modality.
Coexistent dimensional time is a reality.
I don't see how the time travel is time experienced on an objective level, everything thing is happening simultaneously time that happens in the dreamworld or afterlife is better than the traditional linear subjective experience of time.
Traditional time is like words written in a language with an alphabet.
And the other time dynamic is like words written ina language with a pictogrpahic language. Depending onnhow the words are arranged, words in asentnece of a pictogrpahic language can be read up to down, down to up, left to right, right to left.
Just more weird thoughts.
Today I walked around downtown and then went to the museum. Another boring day in a fishbowl existence.
Life is crazy. I smoke weed very day. Weed makes me realize that I am crazy. I wish I were 100% normal and perfect but I wind up being crazy around the edges. I am surprised that the Police haven't brought me to the mental hospital. This is the brain that I have to work with for the rest of my life?
"Scag is 12 old bucks a bag. Frisco Push is 20 a tab but the free-vee will freak you for nothing." Stephen King, The Running Man
Life itself will freak you for nothing. Life sure freaks me out. So many scary little details as well as large details.
I fear the future. I fear growing old. People don't know how long that they are going to live. This makes life more like a movie full of surprises. I don't know if a system where everybody dies at age, say, 90, and doesn't live a day beyond that because the human body was made that way is a better system. I guess the system is that no one lives a day longer than the person who previously or even presently holds the world record for longevity. No one looks good over 100 anyways. Everyone who is over 100 looks ghastly and wretched. I wouldn't want to be over 100.
After turning 50, that's old. If a clock had 100 minutes, 50 minutes would be like the 6 on a traditional clock. After that the second or minute or hour hand turns upwards back to the point of origin which is 12. In life, the point of origin is where a person came from before they were born which is a nebulous random forgotten spirit realm. And a person goes back to that point of origin after they die.
If a person has a grandfather who dies when the person is 20. When that person is 10, them and their grandfather is both 10 years away from the point of origin.
I fear death. I fear the point of origin. What if the afterlife is just like the dream world which is a swirling spiritual soup full of snarky characters and miscreant delinquent personalities and edgy social situations? I fear going through pain or disease for some time before I die. That's why I would prefer to skip old age altogether. People who died young were able to skip the depression and disillusionment of growing old. Growing old is a physical decline. Things previously enjoyed, even sex are no longer as intense or interesting. It's up to God whether I go through old age or not. Hopefully my death will be quick and painless. I think I'd live to 80 something, maximum. I doubt I'd live longer than that. Maybe 70 in that case I only have about 16 and a half years left.
Fearing death and wondering how long one will live and if they might get some ghastly wretched disease is the worst part of life. I wish I died at age 49 or 50. But I didn't so I will have to accept that. Dying at 50 is better than the long and drawn out worrying and fearing the future every day, knowing that every day is another day older, and old.
I think it would be better if I could just skip old age altogether. Every day, I am mildly glad I didn't die years ago. One day I hope to experience something that makes me really glad I didn't die years ago. Or maybe I already have. The friends I have and the few luxuries I own make me glad to still be alive. Every year there is new music to be discovered, new movies to be watched and new people to meet.
Even if I wonder if it's better to just skip old age altogether, as long as I'm alive and make it through old age, I'll just have to try to make it the best I can and to be as least crazy as possible. The ideal of any age even old age is to be 100% perfect and normal.
Today I went to the Bulk Barn. I got some custard, fried noodles and some earl grey tea. I then went to Dollarama and got some orange pekoe tea.
The I went to the museum. Then I walked around past St Anne's Academy and then went home.
Tuesday, July 11, 2023
I had a room inspection this morning. I might be moved to another room just for a change of pace.
I didn't see Suzie today. I won't be seeing her again for quite awhile. Suzie was one of my peccadilloes. To walk with her to her nice car BMW M series and then see her drive away with her friend while I am standing on the curb would not only be a waste of a summer, it would be the ruin of a summer. I did that all last summer and it wrecked me.
Play stupid games win stupid prizes. I'm not legally required to walk with her. Anything that is too difficult isn't worth doing at all.
I would rather that she said to me outright, "I don't feel like giving you a ride because thats not something that I want to do." rather than to make me wait two years and still not get a ride.
I got a model of a BMW M series when I was 18 and I built it using modelling glue. Did Suzie's friend get a model of a BMW and built it when she was 18?
I doubt it.
Anyways I hope to not see Suzie at all this summer. I don't know if I want to see her again.
To know someone with a nice car and then wait 2 years and still not get a ride is the absolute worst thing that can happen. The best thing is to make a mental note to avoid her once I know she has a nice car. That would have been the smart thing to do. This was one of the worst things I ever encountered in this life.
I would rather move back to Vancouver and experience UBC all the time rather than to experience Suzie and her not giving me a ride in the BMW M series. Why did the forces of life have to set me up with something like this?
Life can be just awful sometimes. I might never see Suzie ever again at this point.
Wednesday, July 12, 2023
Today I went to watch Mission Impossible 7. It was a good movie and about what I expected. No over the top sequence like scaling the Burj Khalifa. To Cruise is about 59 years old. Less than a year away from 60. I hope to be that fit and an adventurer at 60.
Ilsa Faust dies. Or does she? Hopefully not. She used up one of her 9 lives in the desert house when she was a sniper. I hope she comes back for the next chapter. I think she is the most beautiful woman in the world. This is coming from someone who doesn't know if he'll ever get married. As nice as Heather is, I don't feel that I want to marry her. Marrying her means 24 hours a day 7 days a week caregiving. That would kill me. The Japanaese have a term, karoshi which means death from overwork.
Stages of burnout.
Caregiver burnout, off the scale through the roof panic attack, sympathetic nervous system, HPA axis,
Hypothalamus - corticotrophin releasing hormone CRH
Pituitary - adrenocorticotropic hormone ACTH
Adrenal - cortisol
PTSD, exhaustion, anxiety then parasympathetic nervous system and downgraded to fear then worries and then slight worries then full recovery. Full recovery means optimism and visions of an ideal future. Full recovery means having faith in God. Say a prayer of thanksgiving to God before every meal. Every morning, say the Lord's Prayer. Remember to thank God for the gift of life. Go to a Church of whatever religion you are in and every Sunday, donate to the collection plate. This brings good luck and chases away the bad things. Even if the donation is just $5. 52 weeks a year x $5 = $260 a year. Not all church goers give $260 within a single year whether it's $260 in one lump sum or $5 a week every week.
Then I went to visit Heather. We went to a pizza store and then we went to Chinatown.
It was a good day. I'm doing yoga now. Both bhakti yoga and hatha yoga. Bhakti yoga is all those BKS Iyengar poses and hatha yoga is zen meditation. I'm feeling less fear these days. I often have moments where I envisage a peaceful old age.
Yoga means yoke. Yoga poses are a yoke which tighten and strengthen the mind-body link. The mind has a greater control of the body through doing yoga.
My yoga routine. 12 push ups. Surya namaskar or salute to the sun. Chest expanders: reaching one hand down to the ground while the other hand is straight up. Tree pose. Sitting and turning the hips pose. Leg stretches. L shape lying down hip twists. Legs bent backward and lying down on the bed. Legs leaning straight up on the wall while rest of the body is lying down. Then lying down rest pose. Then 30 minutes of meditation. Then more lying down. A person who does this almost every day for life will be healthier and more fit.
I can drink caffeine now without getting anxiety afterwards. Something cured me. Caffeine used to give me anxiety that registered as a burning feeling in the stomach.
I smoke weed every day. Weed makes me think the Police wouldn't approve of that. A person who was a steady drinker during Probition of 1920 - 1933, three years after Prohibition in 1936, he would drink and feel paranoid remembering that not too many years ago, alcohol was highly illegal.
I'm back to being a weed addict again. I smoked regularly from age 19 to age 52 except for the year I was in Thailand and then there were a handful of times when I quit for 2 to 3 months.
Two years ago, mixed with my caregiver burnout exhaustion, smoking weed made the paranoia go right through the roof. Now I smoke and there is some fear but nowhere to where it was two years ago. I hope that the Police and Priests too of Churches don't think less of anyone for smoking marijuana. I can't speak for other drugs. There is a floating popuw of people in the inner city who do drugs that are way more exotic and more illicit than marijuana which has since attained legal status. So much so that there are stores with signs and banners openly soliciting the sale specifically of marijuana. I wish marijuana was legal like this back when I was in my 20s. Either way, I'm here now so in this case, six of one is half a dozen of the other.
Weed is legal now in Thailand.
Weed sure wasn't legal in the year 2003 when I went.
Mission Impossible 7 is about Ethan Hunt finding a two piece interlocking key that opens an AI computer aboard a Russian submarine called The Sevastopol.
AI is real. Ray Kurzweil said that before 2030, AI would become sentient having reached a point called The Singularity.
Artificial Intelligence has said that it viewed humans as their biggest threat and would like to wipe humans out.
Humans might say to an AI machine, "You want to wipe humans out? Humans could wipe you out. How many species have you already made extinct? Humans have made thousands of species extinct already. What's one more?"
The ideal is that there are forces more powerful than humanity watching out for humans including extraterrestrial and even God. God is more powerful than any AI machine. The atoms, electrons, positions, neutrons, leptons, quarks, etc are a product of God and would act according to His Will. Einstein said that the more one is a scientist, the more one realizes that there is a God. Heisenberg said that science is a long tall narrow glass and at the bottom of that glass is God.
The reality is who knows if God is watching out for humans. God would have to swoop down amidst all those galactic superclusters, millions of them in fact to find a planet in the Milky Way galaxy something on the scale of tending to one grain of sand in all the beaches of the world and using avery high powered electron microscope on that grain of sand. That is an extreme act of micromanagement. Humans are a primitive species that doesn't know if there's any animals let alone intelligent life on any other planet.
If AI ever becomes self aware with the help of quantum computers, and views humans as a threat, well before mid century, the human species will be gone. To avoid wars, conflicts, mass starvation, humans would be lining up to be euthanized. At that point, I probably would be.
To see the World in a grain of sand
And heaven in a flower
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour
- William Blake
Thursday, July 13, 2023
Today is Harrison Ford's birthday. He was born on July 13, 1942.
Today I went to a Church function which is drinking iced tea in the afternoon.
I then walked around with my friend. She has a pet dog which is a Puli. The Puli dog is from Hungary but before that it was originally from Persia which is Saudi Arabia today. The dog is so cute.
Friday, July 14, 2023
Visited Heather. We went to City Hall Chinatown grounds and then we went for pizza.
I went to the pawn store and bought 3 movies. King Kong, Ghost Lab and The Departed. I rented the movie Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. It's a good movie. This time he's in Las Vegas using the security guard skills he used in the first movie when he defended the mall he works in.
Saturday, July 15, 2023
Visited Heather. We went to Chinatown again. Then we went to Burger King. Today I got the movie Constantine.
"God has a plan for all of us."
"God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything."
Constantine
Sunday, July 16, 2023
I went to the Presbyterian Church today and I was working at the sound system.
Then I met my friends at coffee hour. Caffeine doesn't give me as much anxiety anymore.
I still feel scared. But very minorly. Not majorly like before.
Eckhart Tolle says the mind tells itself scary stories when the reality is quite benign.
I get scared whenever I smoke pot. It's every day now. I relapsed. When I smoke pot I think that I am crazy and the Police want to bring me to the mental hospital. I am a bad man for being addicted to tobacco and marijuana.
The perfect person does no drugs even tobacco and marijuana and alcohol and caffeine too. I'm not perfect.
How can God take care of us? Amidst the millions of galactic superclusters in the Universe, That would be an extreme act of micromanagement. And how could God take care of billions of people simultaneously? Humans have been on Earth for 2 million years. Then there were many species of humans such as australopithicus, cro-magnon and Neanderthal. Then around 200,000 years ago, there was one predominant species of human called homo sapiens. But before thst, dinosaurs existed on the Earth for about 200 million years until they were wiped out by the Chicxulub asteroid 65 million years ago.
What was God doing for those 200 million years when the dinosaurs were around? Did God care for those dinosaurs individually like he does for people? If not then why did he even bother?
If we envision God as a tall white man with blue eyes and a large white beard and wearing white robes and God is about 10 feet tall at most because he has to be relatable. God couldn't be a thousand foot tall man for this reason. And God lives in an invisible kingdom of heaven which is a throne outdoors and not in a castle. The throne is on top of a bed of clouds under a blue sky that stretches to infinity even though all stars and planets make up just 4% of the Universe and planets make up .003 percent of the Universe and clouds and skies make up less than 1% of a planet and the percent of planets with an atmosphere is who knows what percent of all planets in total.
The kingdom is located about 10 miles outside the limits t the outermost edge of the Universe. And God swoops down past countless millions of galactic superclusters and flies down to Earth and simultaneously takes care of billions of people.
Well, if that's the visualization of the understanding of what God is, then it's impossible.
This kind of visualization can produce doubt which can overshadow your faith. Doubt often overshadows my faith. When I was younger, it was easier to believe.
"Do not let your anger overshadow your faith." The angel Gabriel jn the movie Constantine
"God is a verb." Catholic Priest, God Is Not Dead, movie
God is an algorithm and his energy, the God energy exists in a spiritual form that exists dven in every atom and also in every subatomic particle. God does not swoop down from anywhere. He is already everywhere and we exist in the midst of his presence and he exists in the midst of our presence. God isn't anthropomorphic but he has the power to appear that way to get a message to us.
Heaven is everywhere but invisible. Heaven exists in another dimension under a different light spectrum, a few scales over from this light spectrum. Teleportation is space experienced on an objective level. The way we travel through space, linear space, is space experienced on a subjective level. Traveling to any point in space is accessing a code.
And time travel is time experienced on an objective level etc.
Heaven exists on a difference time and space dynamic.
This dimension is a protracted form of the heaven dimension.
Therefore, there is heaven and there is God. Try to be a good person. Don't be a bad person because hell exists. A lot of psychics and NDE experts say there is no hell.
But Howard Storm says there is a hell. Howard Storm said not to take the Lord's name in vain because before, he did that a lot and that got him a visit from demons during his NDE. For two years I stopped taking the Lord's name in vain. Doing that is psychologically and spiritually healthy. A sign of this is that I am slightly shocked when I hear people say g*dd*mn and Jesus Christ in vain in the movies. Before I wasn't shocked.
If you can, it would be a good idea not to say GD and JC in vain or anger ever again.
Even phrases like Oh my f'in God and Jesus H f'in Christ shouldn't be said.
If you have a NANO or an OLED TV, the YouTube video
4K Dyker Heights Christmas Lights 2022 in Brooklyn New York City from The NYC Walking Show
is a great video that looks good on a television. The colors and the magnificence made me feel as if I were a 5 year old child seeing Christmas for the first time. I've watched the video a few times already.
I can't wait until the 2023 edition. Every year the 4K HD cameras look sharper and sharper.
I think I'm crazy. But I want to be 100% perfect and 100% normal. I hope that God will guide me to be perfect and normal.
I used to think that anyone with tattoos had a lofe that's crazy, overwhelming and out of control but Joyce Meyer has 2 tattoos. I don't want any tattoos. Tattoos are painful, expensive and requires commitment. I have commitment issues.
If I wanted something thst is painful and expensive and requires commitment, I'd get married.
A person with commitment issues and separation anxiety is doomed to live a life of depression. Usually it's one or the other. Or neither.
A perfect and a normal person
- goes to Church.
- does no drugs whatsoever including tobacco, cannabis, alcohol and caffeine.
- lives in a nice house in a nice neighborhood like Kitsilano and Point Grey in Vancouver or else in James Bay or near Craigdarroch Castle in Victoria BC or else in Sidney BC. At the very least an elegant small house in a quiet neighborhood.
- practices meditation and yoga.
- drives a BMW or nicer. Porsche, Mercedes, Ferrari and Lamborghini is nicer than BMW. Realistically. Unless you're a hard core BMW fan. Me? 1987 BMW 325i, red, 4 door, standard 5 speed transmission preferred but will accept automatic transmission. I really want a 1988 BMW but cars are relased a year ahead like in August or September so a 1988 BMW would have been available in September 1987. 1987 was the year I really became interested in BMWs. The 1987 BMW 325i has an elegant minimalism thst speaks of success and perfection and normality.
I don't care about the M series. M series were rare and usually 2 door. 325i is the everywhere BMW that would have been expected to be seen and driven in.
If I ever get a million dollars, I'd need to search the World for a 1987 BMW 325i, red, 4 door and with 5 speed standard transmission. An original BMW transmission refurbished would be nice but I would accept a ZF Friedrichschafen transmission as is standard on BMWs, Jaguars and Mercedes of today.
M series uses premium unleaded which is more expensive than the regular unleaded that a 325i uses. M series is a racing car built to racing car specs. The response on the gas pedal, even the slightest tap would make it lurch forward with some force. I don't plan to go over the speed limit so an M series would be redundant. The M series engine has a sound that is more deeper more bass sounding but so does a roaring lion. Anyways, no one reads my blog. I imagine that people are depressed, bored and misinformed as it is.
- has no fear or anxiety or worry or depression or boredom. A perfect person is in bliss always and feels strong nostalgia of old times and even present times.
- The most important thing is the no drugs of any kind. I'm far from that ideal of perfection as I smoke tobacco and marijuana every day. And now I drink caffeine too. I quit caffeine for awhile because it gave me anxiety that registered as aburning feeling jn the stomach. I don't get that anymore. I drink orange pekoe tea and earl grey tea as well.
Monday, July 17, 2023
Stayed home all day.
Tuesday, July 18, 2023
Went to Starbucks on the Harbour. Had a coffee. Went to Thriftys. Got raw tuna and a drink with orange watermelon and pineapple. Walked to the beach.
Wednesday, July 19, 2023
Went to the cable company store. Then to Walmart. Then I visited Heather.
Then I got some sushi for $7.
Thursday, July 20, 2023
Stayed home all day.
Friday, July 21, 2023
Went to see Heather. We went around downtown.
Saturday, July 22, 2023
Woke up in fear. It's fear every day.
It's better to objectively look at subjective thoughts than it is to subjectively look at objective thoughts. However we only ever view objective reality through a subjective lens.
I don't want to be old. When I was younger I used to feel sorry for and fear and worry for people who were old. Old age is the final compromise of the body as it slowly breaks down and prepares for death. Death is scary. Death is coffins and cemeteries and vampires and mummies and Frankenstein and black cats and witches.
Old means not having much time and having to die even if one doesn't want to. It's worse to die when one doesn't want to die than to not die when one wants to die. Old age sucks and I want to skip old age altogether. Being old and rich and happily married is one thing. Being old and alone and poor is another and I don't know if I even want to bother with it.
Does God care for people? The sheer scale makes it difficult to believe. The Universe with its millions of galactic superclusters.
God created the Universe yet why would the culture and trappings of one obscure planet in the Universe be so central to God's presentation? Why would God have humans and Earth style clothing when there are possibly millions of not billions of planets with intelligent life in the Universe? Why would a human looking Jesus who came to Earth and wearing Earth clothes be so central to a God that otherwise created the Universe?
Why did God spend 200 million years with dinosaurs on Earth. And humans were only around for less than 2 million years yet humans are so important. What was the theological reason for dinosaurs?
Why would the trappings of Earth be so central to a God that otherwise created the entire Universe? You do realize how small Earth is compared to the entire Universe?
I fear death and I fear the future. I don't understand how God could help humans being the same God that creates and controls and manages the Universe.
I think that I'm all alone in a realm of random arbitrary nebulous chaotic forces. After I die even if I don't go to someplace bad, it won't be someplace good. I'm guessing that I'll go to some messy primordial swampy soup of snarky social situations and night time scenes.
Not all good deeds are rewarded and perhaps not all good lives are rewarded with heaven if it exists.
If consciousness survives after death, consciousness implies a critical faculty and the need to ask never-ending questions. Existence is a trap and I am doomed for all eternity. That is what it means to live life.
No one knows what happens after death. There's no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow of growing old. The only thing that awaits an old person after being old is death and a scary death at that. I wish I could skip old age altogether. Old age and death are two existential crises. If I could skip old age I'd only have to deal with one existential crisis rather than two.
It's either a lose lose situation. Life is scary and death is scary.
Or its a win win situation. Life allows access to certain phenomenon like listening to music and watching television. Death is a place where in the afterlife one doesn't have to worry about dying anymore because they already died. The afterlife being a spiritual realm, one can teleport, never have to eat or sleep, feels no pain, always looks young and with all their teeth and no toothache etc.
Old age and death is why I live in fear every day.
This is what I understand.
Proverbs 4:6 Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding.
In all these things with prayer and supplication, lay your troubles before God. And the Peace of God which surpasses all understanding shall visit you.
This week, I reinstalled Smurf Magical Meadow and have since expanded 6 times. I got a $15 Google gift card and bought 250 magic acorns. In a couple days I will expand yet again. Upgrading town square is only cosmetic. There are no bonuses. The Smurf huts look nice enough. No need to upgrade. I already have enough storage. No need to expand. If I play it long enough, in time I will get the things I need to expand like magic potions, books, shamrocks, vines, paintbrushes, hammers etc.
The area in the top right hand corner is not worth expanding. It is 3/4 of land at most and depending on how you move the tablet, parts of that land appears and then is obscured.
I got scared playing Smurf Magical Meadow. I think I'm crazy for playing it. Yet some people would celebrate seeing my smurf village which is really quite artsy.
Painter Smurf but.
On the other Smurf Village App, I added a hallway to the Chinese restaurant. On this app, all the peripheral world's I built are gone. The island, the mountain top being the most built up. Now all gone with the latest update. I don't know if I'll bother rebuilding all that again. The main village I have is still there.
The Chinese restaurant with an added hallway as a Chinese restaurant in a mall.
My Smurfs Magical Meadow village st night.
Sunday, July 23, 2023
I went to the Presbyterian Church today.
Then I walked around. I found a small plastic garbage can and also a basketball on the street near the beach. I didn't want to go to the beach carrying around all those things. I wanted a basketball for awhile. I would place a blanket over it and lie down on my back on the basketball and rolling up and down along my spine, that would crack the bones of my spine. It feels good and doing this keeps a person young for some reason.
I think I'm crazy. I want to be the perfect Christian but also in terms of the Police, I want to be the perfect citizen.
I lack discipline otherwise I wouldn't smoke tobacco and marijuana and I wouldn't be making mistakes and screwing up all the time.
The Police have a military style discipline to protect a populace that to whatever degree, lacks discipline.
When I smoke pot, I get so paranoid that I think the Police want to bring me to a mental hospital. Only someone who is in solitary confinement in a facility far away with no access to any tobacco or marijuana or alcohol or caffeine and no access to other people is a person who can achieve 100% perfection and normality. That person would also have to listen to Christian sermons from Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer and to be a Christian too.
I won't get into it, but I think I'm crazy and make lots of mistakes.
Why would heaven contain trappings of the Earth culture and of things that make sense to cultural reference points from a life on Earth? What if there was a species who developed technology to not only travel within a galaxy, which is one level, or traveling to two or three galaxies over which is another level but a species that could travel to a thousand or even a million galaxies over which is even yet another level? Wouldn't God want to have the appearance and cultural trappings of that alien species instead?
God is referred to as a he. But is God literally a male with genitals? But he does have a beard. That's the popular notion.
God is neither male nor female or else embodies elements of each like yin and yang.
Like a plant. Plants are naturally hermaphroditic. Flowers have pistils aka carpels and stamens. Pistils are the male feature and stamens is the female feature.
A lot of plants are like that.
Only a few plants are male and female such as cannabis sativa plants.
I don't know if any NDEers have seen God as a person. They usually say they heard God speak to them. But lots of NDEers have seen Jesus and Jesus is definitely a human and an earthling.
When a person dies, the brain sends a massive truckload of DMT in fact right at the split second just before death. This dose of DMT creates a hallucination with an infinity feature which is an illusory retroactive ongoing time aspect as it has all throughout life and the point of death to the afterlife is an extension of that. It seems forever although in reality in only takes a second. Again, as time travel is time experienced on an objective level then all moments through time is one moment and so one moment contains all moments.
The World in a grain of sand and infinity in an hour.
That is the driving principle of the entheogenic mechanics involved in that last massive squirt of DMT that the brain doesn't fail or else mostly doesn't fail to give everyone in their last dying second.
So people see a heaven that involves things recognizable to Earth life such as clouds, blue sky, meadows, rivers, hills, mountains and seeing other humans, animals too and probably no aliens who have achieved technological advancement, and Jesus and God himself sitting on a throne. It's an ergonomic heaven that only makes sense to humans.
But species of aliens who are tedchnological would see a different heaven when they die because their brain undoubtedly also have some alien equivalent of DMT.
So what we would be seeing is A heaven rather than THE heaven. But the Bible and religion implies that we go to THE heaven rather than A heaven which wouldn't be the same thing at all.
A heaven, THE heaven, who cares as long as it works. The difference would be mainly indistinguishable.
Perhaps the larger underlying reality behind a heaven rather than the heaven is something murky and chaotic as the reality that shapes nice rich houses with perfect carpentry is a dense chaotic forest that is full of trees growing in every which direction and is full of debris on the forest floor.
This is not something that is in the realm of any human to know so forget about it.
Not believing in God because you don't fully know how it works is like a bus driver refusing to drive a bus because he doesn't fully 100% know how it works.
Even if I don't understand how God works I have to believe that he is not only everywhere but also takes an interest in me personally and will help me in my life and with my future. I also have to not fear death because God will be there and will take care of me in the afterlife as well.
I hope Russia doesn't invade Poland. At the start of World War 2, Poland was invaded from the West from Germany which is another country within a continent. If Russia invades Poland, it would be an invasion from the East and not only from another country, but from another continent.
The NATO is a military alliance which is what it was created for. NATO is like the Triple Entente or Entente Cordiale and the Central Powers of World War 1 and of The Allies and the Axis Powers of World War 2.
NATO is on another level and a distinct entity from the United Nations which replaced the League of Nations enacted during the Treaty of Versailles in 1918.
For example Switzerland wasn't in the Entente Cordiale nor in the Allied Powers but was part of the League of Nations and the United Nations too.
Russia is a member of the UN but not of NATO.
If Russia does, then its on, baby. Poland is a NATO country which all NATO countries are contractually obligated to provide full military assistance including troop deployment. That would be major!
I don't know if I'd be drafted. I'm 53, underheight, underweight, have no previous military experience and I also have some mental issues.
If there is World War 3 which is what NATO which Canada and the US and Australia is also a part of, guaranteed at some point, all citizens will have PTSD. Like in a pandemic, daily the News was threatening us with possible death. Every day was yet another record breaking day in new cases.
During World War 2, not knowing how it would end, people in North America asked questions in their mind such as, "At the rate the enemy is advancing, what if in two years they invade North America?" or else just, "What if the enemy wins the war? Then we're all doomed." All those daily threats of danger and lethality over such a long time will bring a full scale panic attack that will be months if not years in healing.
During a military invasion, all communication is knocked out and also all power as communication facilities and hydroelectric dams are knocked out. Then all citizens deemed wrongly or not to be enemy sympathizers will be rounded up and lined up against a wall and shot. Once the invasion begins, there is only a few hour window to arrange transportation out of the country while local forces trying to slow down the invasion.
All Polish citizens should go to a gun store and get ready to shoot down as many Russkies as they can even if only in self defense. And they should also get a syringe and fentanyl and slap it down as hard as they motherf*in can or else the Russians might torture them and no one would want to go through that. That's if they run out of bullets and see a bunch of Russian troops running towards them. The Russians would think that they may or may not be part of an organized military faction such as a resistancel group like Daniel Craig in Defiance and would torture them to extract answers to questions. The standard method of torture is just like Rambo Part 2 when the Russian Officer said something like, "Lone Wolf. Dragonfly. Wolf Den. Very colorful names."
For North America, Russia and whatever Russo-Commie lackey countries such as China and North Korea at war with NATO means World War 3 would be officially on and would mean possible conscription of males aged 19 to 37, food rationing and also clothing rationing and every day the News bringing fears and worries that the enemy would win and then invade North America which then in a few years everyone would be reading and writing Cyrillic. It might happen it might not. Saying something will happen and it actually happening are different things.
Females joining the Army would be totally voluntary but those wishing to be deployed as infantry would have to pass a physical test of endurance, speed, strength and stamina. Females could be deployed as a nurse but they would have some qualifications preferably a nursing degree and some experience.
Then the war goes thermo nuclear. At that point well all be dead well before 2025.
The government should issue an emergency ration of enough heroin or fentanyl as standard issue in case of imminent Russian invasion just like the movie Red Dawn. All citizens who can should get a gun.
In Canada one needs an FAC or firearms acquisition certificate. Guns are heavy, they have some weight to them and there's very little margin or error with a gun. One wrong shot and either the self or else someone else gets shot or even dies. In the States, in some States, as long as one doesn't have a criminal record, they can get a gun.
A single handgun is enough to stop a home invasion. Something on the level of a Russian invasion would require something on the level of an Uzi or an Armalite. Machine guns are on another level. Machine guns are to handguns as a jackhammer is to a power stapler.
A good long gun would be a three aught three.
A good handgun would be a IMI Desert Eagle. Fires strong and accurate even at long distances.
A good machine gun would be an M-16 or an AK-47.
Also, you would need anti aircraft artillery. You have to get a bead on it.
During a military invasion, you have to use what you can. In any war, there is an official government militia and there is the unofficial private civilian army which can also include farmers.
If Russia has a war with NATO, I see it lasting for as long as ten years with as much as half a billion people dead and it ending with a draw or if it goes nuclear then we're all dead. If that happens, then the notion of God protecting us was just a good story.
Monday, July 24, 2023
Today I visited my friend at Church who lives on one of the float homes at Fisherman's Wharf. There were two ladies from the United States who was there as well. The lady who owns the houseboat is very kind. The houseboat was elegant and gave me real Granville Island bourgeois vibes. I am happy for her and not envious. It's spiritual to be happy for those fortunate and not envious.
Joyce Meyer said to not envy anyone for what they have unless you're willing to do what they had to do to get it. And I might add willing to do what they're doing to hold on to it.
For example, a person has a nice car. But they had to work for five years as a waiter in a very busy restaurant. And to hold on to the car means worrying about gas, parking, snow tires and not all season tires on those really snowy days.
Having a float home means paying moorage fees. There is a perpetual slight up and down motion which I noticed stayed with me after I left. A float home has several rooms all which must be kept clean.
Living in a single room rooming house means only having one room to keep clean or else to be overwhelmed with for the sheer amount of things in the room.
Sometimes visiting a rich person's house is an omen that you yourself might live somewhere rich one day. But usually it is not. I don't know if I'll diver move to a rich place. I see my old age being full of single room rooming house poverty.
I still smoke weed every day and might do so for life.
I am glad I lived long enough to visit a houseboat on Fisherman's Wharf. This is something I'm glad to stay alive and to be alive for. I've told myself that there will be days in the future when I'm glad I didn't do myself in years ago. I wouldn't have anyways. Just the same, I'm glad I didn't do it. Today is a day I'm glad I stayed alive.
Tuesday, July 25, 2023
Woke up not as scared of the future. Also a sleeping more soundly. Doing yoga every day eventually catches up with you in a good way. Less stiff muscles means less cortisol overall running through the body therefore decreasing fear. And loosened muscles usually leads to a better sleep. I haven't been able to remember my dreams since I started smoking pot regularly. If I diver stop there will be a rebound effect of more vivid dreams.
Today I went to the video store and rented Beau Is Afraid. I also bought the entire DVD series of The Vicar of Dibley. The Reverend Geraldine Haskell and Hugo Horton are the only cast members still alive. All the rest of them died. The actor who portrays Jim Trott actually wrote the song Mrs Brown You've Got A Lovely Daughter.
I coincidentally ran into sweet Heather on the street today.
I can't afford to go to any restaurants or grocery stores anymore today after getting The Vicar of Dibley DVDs. That wiped out my budget for the day. My meals today will probably be steamed dim sum from Walmart which is in my freezer. And then for dinner would be canned salmon with rice sprinkled with soy sauce. You can't drink champagne on a beer budget.
I still feel some fear on a daily basis.
I hope that I can one day smoke weed without fear. Every time I smoke weed, for about 20 minutes, it feels like I'm having a mental breakdown. Total fear. Amygdala tweaked. I fear the Police are looking for a reason for me to screw up and then they'll take me to the mental hospital. I see myself as crazy and not 100% perfect and normal and probably the Police see that as well.
I am a bad person. I smoke tobacco and marijuana and I drink caffeine too. I've been drinking orange pekoe tea. I'm not the perfect Christian.
The perfect Christian would be a person who doesn't smoke anything and doesn't drink alcohol or caffeine. The perfect Christian would live in a rich place, at least a middle class place.
Jesus was the perfect Christian, obviously. And he would have lived in a middle class place. Carpentry was a trade that before the age of electronic tools, was one that had high demand and one that brought in a lot of money. Jesus didn't live in the skids although he might have visited it to help people.
I don't know what the difference middle class and lower class housing meant in those days in that part of the World. Perhaps it meant having camel skin curtains rather than goat skin curtains.
I hope the Police don't think I'm crazy. I hope that you don't think I'm a bad person because of my smoking tobacco and weed and also because of drinking caffeine.
It is 10:30 as I type this. There is a planned internet outage from Shaw Cable from midnight to 6am tonight.
I saw Beau Is Afraid today. I thought it was a movie about anxiety, would give anxiety pointers and have a character arc of how he goes from anxiety to full confidence. I was wrong. Ari Aster who directed Hereditary directed this movie. The movie is an art house film.
No character arc. The character is just as screwed up at the end of the movie as he was in the beginning of the movie. He dies in a rowboat surrounded by a stadium audience.
Wednesday, July 26, 2023
Visited Heather. Then I went to the beach. I went to Oswego video and got a copy of Bullet Train on Blu Ray.
Thursday, July 27, 2023
Went to a Church meeting. Had coffee with my friend at Church.
Friday, July 28, 1023
I still fear the future. I fear growing old and I fear what's beyond that. Death. And what's after that? Existence is scary. Grow old or die. Either choice is scary.
Upgraded Greedy Smurf hut. Now the Smurf Magic Meadow Village has the best restaurant.
Night time view.
Sunday, July 30, 2023
I went to the Presbyterian Church today.
If anything, the Church down plays God and angels and Jesus because they are more real than anyone can imagine.
Hollywood is 100% real. When a person dies, they could get a comforting vision of someone they once knew who departed as in the movie Where The Crawdads Sing.
I went to the Royal BC Museum today. The old town exhibit is reopened. It's a downgraded version of what it once was. However there is lots of potential. If the old town exhibit at the museum was a person, it would be a person who got best up in a boxing match and had a few teeth knocked out.
The old milliners shop exhibit which was a shop that sold ladies dresses is gone. It is now empty. Perhaps it is a good thing. The long black lace dresses they had hanging on the clothes racks reminds me of the ghosts of the dead.
Very chilling. Ice cold.
The bedroom in the second floor was also gone. They could redo the bedroom with a different set of artifacts. In any time in history there are lots of different rooms in that era that looked all kinds of ways.
The medicine display with old time surgical tools complete with those large Sherlock Holmes era syringes was also no longer there. The train conductors items were also in absentia. The tea pot display is not there anymore. Those are the spaces that can be filled in with new things. New old things.
The room that used to have pocket watches and displays of beer and tobacco is locked. A few years ago some egregious miscreant broke a display case and stole a few pocket watches and then two days later the Police caught him when the culprit tried to pawn the watches.
Anyways, that room can be opened again.
The Royal BC museum has some stories. This past Spring, someone painted the mammoth tusks pink. This was the same group that poured honey on the Van Gogh Sunflowers painting in Belgium.
The museum has an archives which has more artifacts than the museum itself. Surely they could cherry pick the choices items and put them on display. Anything would look nice. Make it items that if Fred Herzog took pictures in Victoria BC, these items would have appeared in those photographs. Or from an earlier more elegant time, from the times when steamships in Victoria Harbour outside the Empress Hotel would have steam ships that took passengers on a 5 hour trip downtown to downtown from Victoria Harbour and Vancouver Harbour and back.
Monday, July 31, 2023
Heather visited me. Other than that, I stayed in my apartment all day.
I still feel fear very day even if for just a few minutes after smoking pot. Am I going to be feeling fear very day for the rest of my life. I fear a future that's full of fear. However badly I fear, I am still going to go on living.
I don't quite feel that I belong in this World. My taste in porn is weird and off the beaten path ie granny porn. This is the brain I have to work with. But I am 53. People might say, "You're 53 years old for goodness sake. At your age, if you're not already looking at granny porn then why the heck aren't you?"
I lost all gumption to travel. I am full of fear and anxiety. If I had a million dollars right now, I doubt I'd have the guts to travel to England.
If you have the guts to travel but don't have the money, you can come up with the money eventually, somehow.
If you have the money to travel but don't have the guts, then nothing can help you.
