September 2022

 Thursday, September 1, 2022

Another strange dream last night. A strange dream with some Russian themes. My blu ray player doesn't work again. YouTube. "This applications is too large. The application will be terminated." I unplugged it. I'll leave it unplugged for quite awhile. It seemed to work last time. 

No fear or anxiety but just an intellectual worry of whether I'd be able to handle the future. I'm still deciding whether or not to go to Vancouver. It seems like a lot of effort and hassle. Stay overnight at a hostel? Why do I put these strange challenges on myself. The majority of reviews on TripAdvisor about this hostel are negative. They say that the hostel is dirty and poorly run. I'd visit and look at the hostel for sure because to me it's an iconic and legendary hostel. 

I drank a coffee this afternoon and now I feel total anxiety. Someone read this blog entry already as the Google view counter registed '1'. I wonder who read my blog. The very first blog entry I ever did in 2005, within 24 hours or less, someone had written me a mean comment. Now years later, my internet career is a mess. It's a train wreck. I often wish my mother had lived and I had died. I wish I died before I ever went on the internet. Now my life is fucked. I wonder how I'm going to live the rest of my life. Why do I put myself under strange challenges like visiting Vancouver? Either way it's bad. Either I just stay in this town and never leave for a vacation which is a mess or else I leave for a vacation which is also a mess. One is never ready. If I wait until I'm ready to go, I'll never be ready. Ready or not, just go. Vancouver could be a paradise vacation. After that I'm retiring for the rest of the year. I might go to Vancouver again next year. After awhile it's the same city over and over again and the fishbowl will be bigger in an already fishbowl existence. Vancouver will be an adventure. 

Years ago when I was younger I would have welcomed getting a lot of money. Now even if I was to come into a windfall, all it would bring is being overwhelmed and it would bring anxiety too. I don't know if I want a lot of money. 

The YouTube on my blu ray player works just fine now after having unplugged it for a few hours. One of my Harman Kardon speakers doesn't work, only one of them does. I unplugged that and am using my Bose speakers. I got all these speakers second hand. I had Labtech speakers that worked fine for years. I sold them after I got my Bose speakers. 

If I visit Vancouver, I'd like to visit Kent's Kitchen, the Jimi Hendrix memorial building on Main and Union, the house of my old grandmother and also Oppenheimer Park. Seems like a big adventure. 

Kent's kitchen has so much to choose from. How can I just pick two items? There's an item with squid, there's beef tripe, there's beef and carrot stew and there is also honey glazed spareribs. 

Philippinos call this type of restaurant Turo Turo which means Point Point.*

*source: Gutom. Kent's Kitchen Chinatown. YouTube. 

If i go to Kent's Kitchen, I should be like XiaomaNYC and speak Chinese when I'm there. I more or less know the language. I spoke Chinese to the owner and his wife at the Chinese restaurant in Sidney BC. The Sidney Harbour Restaurant which I highly recommend. That restaurant sure has good vibes and good food too. 

There's Chinese restaurants in this town that give any Chinese restaurant in Vancouver a run for its money. I also thought of visiting the restaurant at the Hotel Vancouver since I already visited the restaurant at the Empress Hotel. That promises to be pricey. But not nearly as pricey as getting a BMW which I decided that I won't ever get one. To plop down so much money all at once for something, even a BMW would give me a major anxiety attack. 

Pastor Joel Osteen once said, "A man had inherited ten million dollars. The Church knew about this. So the pastor of that Church, realizing the man could be in extreme shock, decided to let him know this in a gentle way. The pastor said to the man, "What would you do if you found out that you inherited ten million dollars?" The man said, "I would donate half of it to the Church." At that point, the pastor fell over dead." 

If I have enemies on the Internet, I'm baffled that I'm still alive. I thought that they would want to kill me. Well, my life is going nowhere. I'm probably going to die alone and unmarried. If my enemies were going to kill me, it would be a weird edgy day but it would soon enough be gotten over with. Why didn't they do it already? Why trade a larger window of time for a smaller window of time? 

I feel a world of anxiety now. 

I once brought a childhood picture of myself at age 2 to school. When I was in grade 6, there was a school project inviting students in my classroom to bring pictures from their early childhood. The picture that I brought got stolen. Who stole it? Maybe the teacher stole it. That memory brings me pain. When I die in about 20 or so years, that will be irrelevant then. So I got that to look forward to. 

"Dwelling on the past brings regret. Dwelling on the Future brings anxiety. Living in the present brings peace." Lao Tzu

If I have too much anxiety, I might chicken out and not go to Vancouver. I have had anxiety all afternoon today. 

A YouTube video said that if a person retreats too much into their comfort zone, their comfort zone becomes smaller. Like YesTheory said, Seek Discomfort and also Love Over Fear. 

I'll try not to do too much in Vancouver. If I do it all in one trip, what's there left for next time? 

Friday, September 2, 2022

The hostel I was planning to stay in Vancouver for 2 nights is more expensive than I thought. Last year it was $30 a night. This year, it's $43 a night which equals $86 plus $14 tax, that's $100. That's outrageous. I could buy a second hand mattress complete with two pillows and pillowcases and bed sheet too for that price. 

The reviews for the hostel said that since it was an old building built in 1927, there are no plug ins in the rooms. 

Someoe could write a review that reads, "The other reviews said that there were no plug ins in the rooms. I disagree. There are plenty of vaginas and anuses as well as open mouths around to plug your cock into." But I have a feeling that anyone who writes such a review would have their review removed and they'd be banned from making a review of that hostel again unless they register under a different name and write a more outrageous review next time. 

Anyways, that's $100 I could use for food and souvenirs provided the souvenirs aren't that expensive. I refuse to pay more than $10 for a souvenir. $15 tops. What am I. Elon Musk? 

$100 for two nights for a strong possibility of sharing the room with one other snorer if you're lucky, worst case scenario 3 other snorers in a 4 person hostel dorm room. Drunk and snoring. 

When I was in Grande Prairie Alberta, I paid no more than $125 a night for a private spacious room with a large king sized bed and private washroom with bathtub and the room also had a glass television. Now flat screen televisons are standard in hotel and motel rooms. I didn't have to share the room with anybody. Sharing a room with 3 other people would be a new low. Why do I have to stay two nights? I'll just stay one night just to see what staying in a hostel would be like. Or else stay zero nights costing me $0. That's an unbeatable deal. I could stay overnight in the woods for free but the woods in this part of the world are notorious for cougars and coyotes. One could get eaten by an animal if they stay in the woods overnight. There are News reports of cougars and coyotes all the time. Wolves are dangerous. Just watch the movie Frozen about 3 college students stuck for a week on a ski lift chair. Not even dental records could identify the person after the wolves were done with that guy as the wolves basically ate that person's jaws and teeth too. The wolves treated that guy like doctors treated Sigmund Freud. They removed his jaw in either case. God thing no one reads my blog. I would be expelled from the Jedi Academy if anyone read my blog. Good thing I never joined the Jedi Academy. Is there one? One that teaches a person how to do a triple somersault and to pull apart boulders using the force and telekinesis? I could really write my own ticket if I was able to use telekinesis. 

Tuesday, September 2, 2022

Woke up in fear today. But the fear wore off in about an hour. Nothing to fear. I listen to 80s music and think of Vancouver and this city too and I get a heavenly feeling. 

The hostel in Vancouver might not have any rooms available when I get there. In that case I'll have to resort to Plan B and that's to either find another hostel or go home on the same day. I could always sleep in the woods near UBC. 

I really want to get a blue t-shirt from UBC which costs $17. I'd like to get a blue sweatshirt without a hoody too but I'll see how much that costs, probably around $50-$60. UBC is the most heavenly University in Earth. I don't plan on going to Wreck Beach. Sure there's naked women there but men are naked there too, offsetting, gross, so one cancels out the other. 

Since I think men are gross I project that onto women and think that women think men are gross too. I doubt that any women have looked at me as well as any other man. Women probably get it on with men from default reasons. For the reasons of if they don't then the species won't survive and also its either that or be a lesbian. "Just lie back and think of England." or else it's "Hurry up and get it over with. Wheel of Fortune is on in 5 minutes." which was probably the last words spoken before a child is conceived in a lot of cases. 

Catherine O'Hara said on SCTV, "I'll show you which way the cold wind blows." which means that women indeed do like men which would be astounding to me. 

I went to the James Bay Inn today and had a ham and provolone sandwich with soup for $11. Then I walked to Ogden Point. Then I walked back. I went to Thirfy's and got a small piece of fish for $2. Good price. 

The rest of the day, I stayed home. 

I shared quite a few comments with someone on YouTube named Tommy Thomson. He did a lot of good archival videos of old Vancouver. Anemoia is nostalgia for a time never lived in. Even though I ws born in 1970, I feel nostalgia for Vancouver in the 50s and 60s. I wish I was born 20 years earlier. The best year to be born is 1955. Then, when I was 5, I would have heard early 60s music. When I was 10 I would have heard late 60s music. When I was 20 it would have been the disco funk of the late 70s. I would have been 30 in 1985 and that was the height of good music lasting to about 1989. Anyways, Tommy Thomson said he got kicked out of UBC and run out of Vancouver. I told him that I never heard about anyone getting run out of Angercouver Bonkerscouver. I mean there are people living in tent cities with hard core drug habits, hard core, and they never run out of Vancouver so it is quite an accomplishment to be run out of Vancouver. The guy said he got a Masters Degree from UBC but his views ran afoul of the establishment at UBC. He said that UBC is like the town from The Stepford Wives, very conformist and with a strict regimen when it comes to political correctness. Universities aren't like they were in the 80s. Now Universities teach an ultra woke leftist agenda with the weird views of gender identity, cisgender etc. I wouldn't and couldn't go to University. I have ADD and would drift off to replaying favorite songs in my mind while the professor drones on. Also YouTube videos and apps have wrecked my attention span and University requires a lot of reading. I haven't read a book from cover to cover since 2005 when I read Angels and Demons and The Da Vinci Code from cover to cover. Tommy Thomson disclosed that he is queer. Who cares? What another person is into sexually is none of my business. Te content of a person's character, their skills and their competence to do a job that requires a skill set is more important than their sexuality. I myself am into granny porn and that is an off beat heterosexual fetish so I think I'm really weird. That fetish has kind of wrecked my life and my opinion of myself but such is life. I hope Tommy Thomson makes more videos of old Vancouver. His previous channel got deleted. I think it's because he uploaded a lot of videos about Madonna songs and Madonna somehow found out about that. Copyright strikes or what? He uploads under a new channel. Tommy Thomson appears in his videos dancing. He looks very queer in those videos, a tad offsetting in my opinion, but there are sure different types of people in this World, and I'm thinking, that guy got a Masters Degree from UBC? 

I never saw the movie Stepford Wives however, now I'm going to see it as I reserved it from the Library. After I watch that movie, I will understand what Tommy Thomson said about UBC. 

"The thing about perfection is that it's unknowable. It's impossible but it's also right in front of us all the time. You don't know that because I didn't know that when I created you." Kevin Flynn to CLU, Tron Legacy

Saturday, September 3, 2022

Woke up with little to no fear today. Migraine headache all afternoon and all night yesterday. It was from eating food that was a bit off. 

I am still mulling over my trip to Vancouver. If I go to Jericho Hostel, I would only stay for one night which would be cheaper than staying for two nights. 

First day, go to Pacific Centre Mall and make a beeline for Chinese fried noodles. Then skip the Vancouver Museum and Maritime Museum and go visit the Jericho Hostel. If no beds are available, I go to UBC and to the UBC bookstore and get a t-shirt and a sweatshirt size medium. Then go and check out Trail 3. The Museum of Anthropology has the Great Hall closed for seismic upgrades and that's the best part of the museum. What's the point of going if the best part is closed for upgrades? I will check out the AMC nest at UBC and try to go to Honour Roll food stall at the food court there and get a sushi roll. Then return home. If a bed is available, I will, on the second day, go to UBC again in the morning. Then in the afternoon, go to Granville Island and then Vanier Park. I might visit the cheese shop but what's the point? Isn't cheese available in this town? The Vancouver Museum and the Maritime Museum has the most excellent Vancouver vibes but it comes at a price, $15 admission for each place = $30. Decisions decisions. 

I don't know if I could sleep at a hostel as I keep strange hours. I generally don't sleep until 2 am to 4 am. Sleeping in a room with 3 other people would be a downgrade since I am used to sleeping in a room to myself at a hotel or motel or guesthouse when I travel. I am really not sure about that. I'd save money if I didn't sleep overnight at a hostel. And it's expensive too, about $50 a night for sleeping in a room with 3 other people?! 

Like someone on the Internet said, I don't want to be the guy who is staring at the hostel ceiling at 3 am. 

Priorities, visit if just to get a quick look at the iconic Jericho Hostel. Get a UBC tshirt and sweatshirt. 

Today, I went to McDonald's and got a coffee and a cinnamon muffin at McDonald's. McDonald's coffee is medicinal and has cured me of feeling wrecked and the fresh coffee also heals me from migraine headaches of which I had one most of yesterday and all of this morning. 

Today I found a nice white IKEA brand blanket on the street. Great find. The texture of the fabric is exquisite.

I tried to visit Heather but she wasn't there. I went to look for her at the place she said that she sometimes goes to. No dice. 

I visit her again. I hope that she's all right. She is my sweetness. 

Sunday, August 4, 2022

The hostel doesn't have any rooms available for when I was tentatively planning to visit. It's hard to find a room even at a hostel. Of course there are several hostels though none at the location I want. Pacific Spirit Hostel is also out of the question as it only is open from May 15 to August 15. Hostel living isn't the best. Stories of snoring, smelly rooms of sweat and dirty laundry. Plus I value my privacy. 

The best thing is to get a credit card. Most hotels will only accept credit cards. The idea of getting a credit card gives me anxiety. 

Vancouver has two free places to stay overnight. One is the Catholic Charities Men's Hostel on Comox Street at St Paul's Hospital and the other is the Yukon Homeless Shelter in East Vancouver at Alexandra and Jackson or somewhere around there. Reviews are mixed. Most say the places are good although some violence occurs at times and there is bed bugs and also reports of theft from staff. There are stories online of hostel locker thefts as well. Also at either place curfew is at 10 pm and at 7:30 am everyone is turned out on to the street. No exception. At a regular hostel, check out time is 11 am and there is no curfew. We'll, the price is right. 

If you are thinking of staying at a hostel, do NOT watch the movie Hostel and it's sequels. Hostel is about a group of four, two couples, vacationing in Europe who are invited to stay in a hostel. Once they get there, it's a real wax museum Chamber of Horrors including being drilled with an electric drill, throat slashings and the consequent inevitable bloodletting that is medically expected to follow and decapitation too. 3 of the 4 do not survive. One of them, a man, escaped. However in Hostel 2 the sequel, the one who escaped gets decapitated pretty much near the beginning of the movie. These movies are guaranteed to bring anxiety when it comes to thinking about staying at a hostel. I doubt that these movies were ever shown on movie night at any hostel in the history of hostels worldwide. Not even on Halloween. 

Tip: If you ever plan to stay at a hostel, upon checking in, tell the desk clerk that you brought a guitar and that you plan on playing Wonderwall. That should go over very well... 

Pastor Joel Osteen teaches that when a person is going through difficult times, it is God preparing them for greater and better things to come. Of course these things require the ability to handle the pressure. 

Buddhism teaches that when a person is going through difficult times it is because they are unlucky and have bad karma. 

The School of Life which is a YouTube channel has a video about How You Will Likely Be Lonely Forever. Comments on this video appreciated the honesty and the not offering a fairy tale of you will find someone and live happily ever after. Some people will never find anyone and be lonely forever. I'm thinking that could be me. Life has been a real jerk to me. First I lose my mother at a young age. She died. And then I never got married. Whereas my father had his mother live until he was 63 and my father married twice. Why did I even bother living then? To live without a mother and without a wife is counterproductive and a waste of time and I wish I had never bothered. I wish that God had killed me years ago. Why didn't he? It would have been a weird and edgy day but it would have soon enough been gotten over with. But some guys did have a mother and that mother was a major asshole narcissist to them in some way or another, so much so that he wound up permanently estranged from his mother and then their wife was a major asshole narcissist in some way or another too and he had to divorce. Better no mother and no wife than a bad narcissist mother and a bad narcissist wife. 

"Better a dead father than a lousy father." Seven Years in Tibet

I haven't had sex for over ten years. I must have come to the wrong town. I've had better sex in other towns. I regret that I stayed in this town for so long. I curse myself for deciding to stay in this town. Damned accursed luck. I'd just as soon be dead. 

But sex is something that requires a certain skill set. And it's an empirical fact that some are better at it than others and I don't think that I was that good at it most of the time. There were times when I was really  good at it. Only to be followed with an evening of intense worrying about if I'd be on the hook for child support in 9 months. 

"Wookie love. Fifteen seconds of pleasure. Fifty years of regret." Darthbeotch, YouTube

Today, I went to Church. It was the day of the Church picnic. The location was changed. I didn't know where it was until the last minute. The chicken sandwiches that I talked about last month was there. There were two of them left and just when I went to the table to get them, they were scooped up. Last month they were left open. This month there were only two of them saran wrapped and in a baggie which had a sign, Chicken with Lettuce and Mayo. A guy who looked like a delinquent swooped at the table and said, "Can't go wrong there!" and scooped up the last two chicken sandwiches that I had been waiting for a month for. I was totally crestfallen. That's life, walking around, coasting along normally and then all of a sudden, unpleasant surprise. Life seems to get worse and worse. There weren't so many delinquents before. Now on the streets there are all kinds of panhandlers, some holding signs, and then there are all kinds of drug addict layabouts on the streets. Society seems to deteriorate with each passing decade. 

Well, the chicken sandwich recipe isn't rocket science. I have a rather sensitive palate like the celebrity chef who got 3 Michelin stars for his recipes. He can taste something and sense all the ingredients. The chicken sandwich was 4 ingredients. bread, lettuce, mayonnaise and chicken. No mustard, no onion. And no bacon which would have made it a clubhouse sandwich. A chicken sandwich has a few variations, clubhouse, add tomato, add bacon. Then there's the basic bread, lettuce, mayonnaise and chicken. 

"My coworker's son is a nuclear physicist and my son can eat a chicken sandwich?!" Rip Torn to Tom Green, Freddy Got Fingered

There is a store up the street which sells Polish mayonnaise imported from actual Poland. That mayonnaise costs $11 a jar. Regular mayonnaise like Hellman's or Miracle Whip is about $6 a jar. The chicken sandwich at the Church picnic didn't use Polish mayonnaise. I'm going to make a better chicken sandwich and use the Polish mayonnaise. One can also add roquefort cheese to a chicken sandwich. The chicken is either baked in an oven or boiled in water. Once cooked, it is shredded with the hand into little thin shreds. That's the texture that is looked for. 

There will be future Church picnics and chances are, that chicken sandwich will be there again. Hopefully. But what if it was there at every Church picnic. Am I supposed to go to every Church picnic for life and get two? That kind of thing is only good for one or two more Church picnics but not for going to every Church picnic for the next ten or twenty years and getting that. I plan to skip most of the Church picnics anyways. I don't really know anyone there well. And I already have my own food. This food, that food, what's the difference? There are so many hundreds of foods that one can have a yen for. There's Vietnamese noodles, honey glazed chopped spareribs, salt and pepper squid, etc

If I got the chicken sandwich at the Church picnic, it wouldn't have been as interesting as the story of me not having gotten it and the details around that. Sometimes those kinds of stories are more interesting.

Me and Heather. Title: Wombat and Kangaroo are Obsessed with Each Other. The Dodo. YouTube 

I visited sweet Heather today. She's all right. I love her so much. She is a very sweet lady. I told Heather about the chicken sandwich story. Me and Heather went to 7-11 and then we went to visit a bridge. 

Then I went to Church for a second time to get more of the Church vibes which are very exquisite and spiritually refreshing. 

One can get a lot of intrusive and unwanted thoughts at Church. What am I talking about? All of life itself is one long extended intrusive and unwanted thought. I often think of how good it would be if I could just quit life altogether whenever I want to. Just more insufferable indignant unpleasant surprises of life like the delinquent scooping up the last two chicken sandwiches makes me think of quitting life altogether. 

YouTube is a broken platform? Life itself is a broken platform. 

Life is an algorithm and its a shitty defective algorithm. Quitting life might be the best thing one can do if they think they can do it. I'm sure suicide would compromise one's progress in the afterlife in terms of getting to the next level so there's no choice but to go on living. Like the Japanese said after World War 2, "We have to endure the unendurable." which pretty much sums up life and the absolute moral imperative to go on living at all costs. It is not OK to commit suicide. 

Today I found a nice stained glass table with two hummingbirds. So life isn't all unpleasant surprises. Sometimes I get pleasant surprises. I have also found Polo Ralph Lauren clothing lots of times. It's always a good day when that happens. 

Be not afraid. 

The Chinese would say, "Bue pah." which means Don't be afraid. 

I struggle with fear as each morning with few exceptions I wake up with fear. 

It's best to book a room direct at a hotel or a hostel. Hostels like using online sites. You pay more using an online site. And if a person cancels the hostel gets to keep part of the money. Hostels take online booking with a grain of salt. A person living in another country booking a room is absolutely guaranteed to arrive? There are a lot of cancelations. Hostels would rather book a room to someone who is standing right there in front of them rather than someone booking a room online who lives thousands of miles away. 

This evening I had a headache. I had a nap, woke up and the headache was really bad. I took two Tylenols regular not T3, and the headache became really bad. For a minute I thought of going to the hospital and I wondered if I was dying. I vomited and then now I'm feeling better. The headache is still there a little but not as bad as it was. If I was dying I would have been hallucinating dead relatives because that's what often happens. I didn't see anything like that. 

A thunderclap headache in a minute goes from no headache to the worst headache in your life in 60 seconds. That's a sign of a brain aneurysm or something serious. I didn't have that. 

As early as 1926, someone named William F Barrett wrote a book called Death Bed Visions and that book was published in 1926, a year after his death. The book is down loadable as a free PDF. I downloaded it and I read a bit of it and all the stories are basically the same. Person who is about to die talks about seeing dead friends and relatives and then a short time later they die. The antiquity of these stories is quite ethereal. 

Headache completely gone. I did something drastic. I smoked a couple of tokes off of a roach I found in the street. In my minds eye I saw the headache emerge off of a hole 3 inches in diameter in the back of my head in the form of glow in the dark purple smoke. Within my head purple leading to the hole, purple tentacles of smoke were receding. I don't want to do this all the time. Life is nice sober. Can't be stoned 24 hours a day every day. 

I decided that I'm unsure about going to Vancouver. I only want to go if I know that I really want to go. I don't know if I really want to go. 

Monday, September 5, 2022

I didn't feel fear this morning. Since I completely recovered from a headache which I thought I was going to die from, at one point in my painful headache delirium, I said, "It's been a good life." waking up in fear seemed irrelevant. I was glad to be completely headache free. I have heard of Marijuana described as headache medicine. It's less effective if you use it every day. But in times of an emergency like a severe headache that lasts for hours a couple of good blasts of Marijuana can help. At first the headache was primary. Then I had a couple of good tokes and then at the point the headache was secondary. That I was stoned became primary; stoned as in "Sheeeeet! It's Friday night and I'm stoned again!" Stephen King 

Some muscles of my body shuddered and fibrillated involuntarily as my headache was leaving me over the course of an hour. It was a wonderful feeling. 

When I was stoned I wasn't scared as I often am. However I was apprehensive and all I could think was that life is overwhelming and that I am overwhelmed with life. I thought of how the thousand and one little details of my life was overwhelming. But a lot of people live lives more overwhelming than me like a commercial airline pilot who always flies Jumbo 747 planes from one continent to another or a Police Officer in a neighborhood with lots of action or a high power politician. That's way more overwhelming than my life is yet they are able to handle it. 

Tuesday, September 6, 2022

I went to visit sweet Suzie today. I am always fighting myself whether or not to see Suzie. I don't want to go see her from sheer OCD. I don't want to be stalking her either. I told her this and she said it's fine if I visit her often. 

And often before deciding on whether or not to be visiting Suzie again, things in ads on apps, titles of YouTube videos etc will remind me of Suzie. Thus goading me to visit her again. Why does life do this to me? Or why do I do it to myself? The way my brain works is bizarre. 

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. 

If you spend time on pointless activities, the outcome will be equally pointless. 

Today I feel bored and nervous. Nervous about life in general. I don't know how I'm going to handle the next 20 years. 

I visited Heather for awhile today. Then I went to Chinatown to get some house special fried rice to go. 

I try not to drink coffee. Coffee gives me anxiety, insomnia and GIRD gastrointestinal reflux disorder. 

I am still deciding whether to visit Vancouver one of these days or not. I am struggling with anxiousness and nervousness and fear of life in general. 

Also I wake up every morning with a slight sore throat and aching lungs from smoking all the time. This will only get worse and I must quit or suffer the brutal consequences. Waking up with an aching lung is classic with smokers. 

Wednesday, September 7, 2022

I was going to go to Vancouver today. I packed my bag last night and it was going to be boots on the ground at 5:30 am to catch the earliest bus. I chickened out. I didn't go. I went to sleep at 2:00 am as usual and at 4:45 I awoke, turned off the alarm I set for 5:00 am and just didn't go. I slept and woke up at 10:00 am. I had a vivid dream. 

Now I feel a bit of fear. Again. So uncertain of the future. When will I go to Vancouver again? How can I summon up the courage? What do I do today? Every morning, the day presents itself as a blank state of boredom and the trap of repetitive routine. I really worry about the next 20 years. 

I have a slight worry about Vancouver. The Vancouver Police said there were stranger attacks in Vancouver. I am afraid of going to Vancouver in case I get attacked. The only way to conquer fears is to confront them. Why do I place these challenges on myself? Why do I have to go to Vancouver? 

Why do I have to go to visit Jericho Hostel? Why would I think that I'd have to stay the night there? First of all, I generally sleep at 2 am or later. That's a bad habit. I should sleep at 10 pm or else midnight at the latest. And I'm not used to sleeping in a room with a bunch of other people. I much prefer a room all to myself. But hotel rooms are expensive and require a credit card which is two points of anxiety for me. I'm sure if I was rich that wouldn't bother me as much. Or would it? I hope I don't get an inheritance because then I would to compelled to travel with all the hassle and uncertainty that brings. 

I once stayed at a hostel in 1992 when I went to Prince Rupert. It was The Friendship House. The rate was about $10 a night and I slept in one large room with a lot of people each on a separate bed. Single beds, no bunk beds. I got through that. It was a really good time. One guy showed his ID and said that his name was William William William. First name William, middle name and last name too. I laughed for such a long time. It was one of those stomach hurting and tears just rolling down the cheeks kind of laughter. The $10 a night included breakfast lunch and dinner too. Those were good times. 

Jericho Hostel opens from May 15 to September 30. If I don't go soon, I'll just have to wait til next year. For awhile, they thought of converting Jericho Hostel into housing for the homeless but local residents vehemently protested. They didn't want a bunch of hard core junkies living in their neighborhood. 

There are other hostels like the Same Sun and the Cambie Hostel. There are two types of hostels, party hostels and quiet hostels. Same Sun and Cambie are party hostels. Jericho is a quiet hostel. Jericho Hostel used to be open year round. When Jericho Hostel was open in 1971, the room rate was $1.50 a night. Last year it was $30 a night. This year, its about $47 dollars a night. 

A better bet is to get a credit card with a small limit, say, about $1,000 and try to stay at a cheaper hotel. The Barclay on Robson is one of the cheaper hotels with mixed reviews on Google Reviews. I haven't seen any business, doctor's office, hotel, restaurant, hostel, etc with 100% good reviews. It's usually about 50% good reviews and 50% of the most scathing reviews possible. Don't listen to the reviews. Just go. 

My anxiety prevents me from getting a credit card and from paying $100 a night at least for a hotel. Vancouver is the only place I'm willing to travel. Due to my anxiety all trips to Europe and Thailand are cancelled. A couple of years ago, I was often talking about traveling to London and even to Poland. However, until God restores me to wholeness with a peace that surpasses all understanding, until God helps me to be happy and fearless again, I won't travel. I'm a normal city guy again. I go from cycles of being a normal city guy to a Star Wars Tron Fight Club hero and back to normal city guy again. Fight Club means I pretend I'm a  hero. I'm not into fighting. The Edward Norton character had an alter ego, Tyler Durden in the movie. Most people have an alter ego sometimes, but Edward Norton took it to the next level. He became Tyler Durden. I used to do that. I have to do that again. I have to be like Walter Mitty again. I have to see life as a totally exciting rock show Star Wars Tron adventure paradise again.

I want to be fearless like iJustine. She is fearless when it comes to travel. iJustine is a great lady. She is a lady and she is more fearless than most guys including me.

I usually don't go to sleep until 2 am. One tip is to spend the day just doing a lot of activities, a lot of sightseeing and walking. Just don't spend too much money. Then at the end of the day, one will be really tired and will be able to sleep at the hostel. LukesLifeCharms said on YouTube, "You'll be fine." 

LukesLifeCharms is black but black people like East Indian people have magic. A few times my computer broke down and I watched a YouTube video from Black people in Africa who had the same computer problem, and afterwards, my computer problem fixed itself.  

England has a new female PM again. Her name is Liz Truss. I am surprised. I think in a movie about a female PM, there was a line, "If you screw this up, they will not elect another female PM for 20 years." or words to that effect. England has a new female PM just a few years after Theresa May. 

Canada has a female PM, Trudeau - just joking!

The new female broom met Queen Elizabeth recently. This was the first time the Queen appeared in a photograph since July, appearing with the new female British PM. The Queen is looking very frail. Alarmingly so. Long live the Queen. But I would not be surprised if the Queen died within two years or less. What a train wreck that would be. Everybody in the World loves Queen Elizabeth. She is a great Queen. Long Live the Queen. 

Xiaomanyc is very inspirational. He speaks different languages at shops, etc and I've started doing that too. I've said, "SatShriAkaal" to a couple of East Indian people. And at Chinese restaurants, I've spoken Chinese to the staff although my Chinese is rusty due to lack of practice. I live in a hotel where I'm the only Chinese person in the hotel. I've lived in lots of hotels all my life where that was the case. Did I say hotel? I meant rooming house. Hotel is my euphemism for rooming house. Well, there are lots of White people who live in China where they are the only White person around. Lots of White people live in Africa where they are the only White person around surrounded by Black people. 

At the Church I go to, there are about 300 people there but less than ten of those people including myself are not White. That doesn't bother me. 

I sometimes miss Asia where I was in a land where just about everyone was Asian like me and I knew that they knew that I knew that Asians are the majority there. I wasn't a visible minority in Asia like I am here. I often think of moving to Asia but then in Asia, I don't speak their languages very well. Certainly not at the level I do with English. How do I say, for example, "Time travel is time experienced on an objective level. The traditional experience of time is time experienced on a subjective level. Everything is happening simultaneously. Time is an algorithm. Time is a construct." in an Asian language? 

Xiaomanyc did a video today about scalp cleaning. It is life changing. Under a microscope, it revealed that he had oil around his hair follicles even though he washes his hair every day. YouTube comments said that a hair scalp brush costs $75 and afterwards his hair and head hasn't felt that clean since he was a child. Xiaomanyc's scalp treatment started with rose essential oil and then antibacterial essential oil. Then his head was steamed. After that, cooling shampoo was applied to it. Then other things happened like running a strange looking tool over his head and he got a neck massage too. He got this treatment from Dr Scalp in New York. I wonder if this is available in this town, if there are any spas that do this. Eco Chic Aveda at the mall might do this. I want my hair and scalp to feel as clean again as it did when I was a child. 

Xiaomanyc also recently did a video where he went into a salon and for some reason got his fingernails coloured in a video titled: Nail Salon Gossips About White Guy But He Secretly Knows Chinese. The lady who works there is quite the character. She is funny and is also a star on Tik Tok. I hope he does more videos at this salon. 

Xiaomanyc city speaks Chinese better than I do especially Mandarin which I do not speak at all. I just speak some basic Cantonese. But not enough to understand a News broadcast without subtitles and certainly not enough to study at a University. 

Xiaomanyc got married and had a child. I never got married and never had any children and at this point I doubt I ever will. 

In my youth I made some mistakes and ruined my reputation. At the point after my reputation was ruined, I wonder why God didn't kill me then. The rest of my life would only be a fuck up anyways. Why did God permit to live and not see to it that I died then. Then being on welfare my whole life. People on welfare usually don't get married. Seeing that I never got married or had children, I wish that God had killed me when I was young rather than to let me live a life that was completely fucked up. I said a prayer to God about this the other day and during the prayer, I tried not to think of the words, "Are you there God, it's me Margaret." 

"Are you there God, why didn't you kill me after I ruined my reputation when I was young? Why did you let me go on living? You should have killed me quickly when I was young rather than to let me live out a life that just simply never worked out." I'm baffled that God didn't kill  me to the extent that I even lived to have Royal dreams and major Royal dreams too. The Royal dreams and dreams of Royalty that I had made me think of the words of the Green Lantern, "The Green Lantern chose you because it sees something in you that you don't yet see in yourself. The Green Lantern never makes a mistake"

Tomar-Re : The ring chose you. It wouldn't have done so if it hadn't seen something in you.

Hal Jordan : Oh, yeah?

Tomar-Re : Something you yourself don't yet see. The ring never makes a mistake.

I was never successful in life. Success means living in a rich house near UBC, married with or without children and driving a BMW. I would rather have not lived than live and be unsuccessful. I've disappointed my parents especially my dead mother because I was never successful. I wonder why I even bothered with living. 

Saskatchewan. On Saturday, two people stabbed 10 people to death in Saskatchewan. The first suspect, Damien Thorn the Omen, I mean Damien Sanderson was found dead two days ago. Today, the second suspect Myles Sanderson got captured at the town of Rosthern when his car got rammed by RCMP Police cars and forced off the side of the road. The second suspect was taken to prison and the Police who were watching him went on a half hour break. During that half hour break, the second suspect killed himself. 

That was fast. It's like Solomon Grundy. Stabs on Saturday. Died on Wednesday. 

"Are you willing to shoot a hardened criminal in the back to offset the chance..." Dudley, LA Confidential

YouTube comments said, "This is sus" and another comment said, "I can smell the cover up from Alberta."*

*source: Sask. Stabbing Suspect Myles Sanderson Dead. City News. YouTube 

No one knows what actually happened. But what my imagination tells me is that the suspect did himself in, sure, just like Eprey Jeffstein did himself in. The suspect probably said something like, "You know how this works. My lawyer will free me and I'll be back out onto the streets again. Watch your back." And perhaps he was done in. Maybe the cops did him in or another prisoner did him in. Who knows? The RCMP are very powerful and can be very murky. Nobody fucks with the RCMP. Play with the bulls, you get the horns. That's why everybody has to obey the law. Be a law abiding citizen. The whole country is wondering what happened. No one knows or else a very few people know. 

Thursday, September 8, 2022

Woke up in fear. Still have fear over an hour and a half later. I fear life in general. I fear that I will always have fear. I fear growing older and growing old. There's no hope for me. I'm sunk. I've asked God to give me happiness and courage. 

I fear that  I might have to be pushing dear Heather in the wheelchair for years to come. I fear of being trapped in a friendship that goes nowhere with Suzie. I fear living in this town for life but I also fear moving to any other town. I fear that my taste in porn, what, granny porn?! I fear that has sunk my life and I fear that I am messed up because of this. I fear my addiction to tobacco that I might never overcome. I just plain old fear the future. I fear life but I also fear death. Only God with His might can help me, that's if he deigns to help me. I wonder if He will? Must I live in fear for the rest of my life?

Long Live The Queen. News does not look good for our Gracious Sovereign Queen Elizabeth II. I hope she lives another 5 years at least. I thought I might have been one of Queen Elizabeth's exclusive subjects which is someone who was born after Queen Elizabeth's coronation and died before she would die. Lots of people were Queen Elizabeth's exclusive subjects. Millions of people. 

I have fear of going to Vancouver. My number one priorities in visiting Vancouver is to see the Jericho Hostel. I don't know about staying there. I don't want to stay in a room with 3 loud and drunk hippies. 

The other priority is to go to the UBC bookstore and to get two UBC t shirts, one a blue one with a large gold UBC written on it. The other is a blue one with the UBC school crest which really gives me the UBC vibes. The other is a blue UBC sweatshirt. I need a sweatshirt without a hoody. All shirts need to be navy blue. However don't I already have enough clothes? I have clothes piling up. Also I live in Victoria BC. To get a UBC shirt would be DP, displaced person. Shouldn't I get a UVIC shirt instead? UVIC is nice, good University, University vibes for sure, but let's face it. UBC is on another level. UBC is the real thing. In my opinion, UBC is the greatest University on planet Earth. But I haven't visited any of the other major Universities being Harvard, Yale, John Hopkins, UCLA, Cambridge, Oxford and Eton. If I visited those Universities, my opinion might change to UBC is OK but those other Universities are the majorly ones. 

Other lesser priorities include riding the Seabus, going to Kent's Kitchen to order a takeout meal but to eat part of the takeout meal at Kent's Kitchen to get some of the free soup there which is divine. Also visit Granville Island and get a Smurf figurine at the Granville Island Toy Company. Also see a movie at the Planetarium domed ceiling movie theatre. I can do all these things on separate trips. 

Kent's Kitchen is in an area of Vancouver most people are advised not to go to. On YouTube, a Black gentleman was advised not to go to a certain prefecture in Japan. He went anyways and all the people were friendly to him and there he had some of the best meals he ever had in his life, he said, because the restaurants there were high quality. 

If I get a credit card, I can afford to stay at the Barclay Hotel on Robson. There are quite a few similarly priced hotels in Vancouver. However anxiety and fears that I might go out of control on the credit card prevent me from getting a credit card. Maybe I should just get a credit card with a very small spending limit. Of course I wouldn't be getting a gold card or a platinum card. That's out of the question. With a platinum card, one can get a BMW or Mercedes. Only rich people like Donald Trump and Elon Musk can get a platinum card. 

Please say a prayer for me that I can get over my fear and also so I can be happy again. 

Worst News ever. Queen Elizabeth II has died. The Queen is Dead. Long Live the King. 

Prince Charles will call himself King Charles III. Well, the last King named Charles goes back to the Parliamentary Revolt of Oliver Cromwell in 1653 - 1658. He didn't like the Monarchy and abolished it and with it had King Charles I beheaded. When the interregnum was over, the Monarchy was restored and King Charles II was King and then Oliver Cromwell was beheaded. 

Oliver Cromwell was a Puritan. The same Puritans who went to America in the Mayflower. 

I learned from YouTube that a King can give himself any name. Prince Charles now King Charles could have called himself George VII if he wanted to. King George the VI was named Arthur Albert Frederick George Windsor. When he was growing up he was known as Albert or Bertie but when he became King he chose to style himself King George VI. 

Queen Elizabeth will be loved forever. I will miss her although of course I never met her. I only know of her from television. I should have gone to England when I had the vision and the courage in 2017. Now fear and anxiety have taken over my life and the only place I'd be willing to travel to is Vancouver. Forget about Europe or Asia. Even then I'd have to summon up a lot of courage to travel to Vancouver. My favorite place in Vancouver is UBC. Even then, it's just UBC. Forget about Wreck Beach. 

Even if I went to England a few years ago, what would have been the chances that I'd have seen Queen Elizabeth. Maybe a drive past but since it wouldn't be official duties it would be through tinted windows and she would have been looking straight ahead and not at the crowd around her. Maybe I would have seen her on the balcony of Buckingham Palace, but even then a couple of hundred people deep and she and the rest of the Royal Family on the balcony would have appeared very small. I would have had a chance to see the iconic Buckingham Palace anyways. I might go in a few years if I ever recover from my constant fear and anxiety and if I save up enough money. London is very pricey. More pricey than Vancouver but there are hostels in London. I never stayed at a hostel. I wonder what my chances would be sharing a room with a few strangers, probably loud drunken hippie backpackers. Oh, great. The chances are slim that I'd ever travel to England. I see my future as one that is not that good. Pastor Joel said that the future is bright if you have faith in God and that God has good plans. That's the ideal. I wonder if that is the reality. Can one have a good future after 50? I thought that good futures were only for people in their 20s or 30s tops. Once you're over 50 or even 40, good futures seem to recede. That's why I'm scared all the time. I wonder if I should smoke pot once a week too. Wouldn't smoking once a week make me an addict as drinking once a week would make one an alcoholic. Smoke too much and wind  up broke. However Queen Elizabeth herself used to have one alcoholic drink every evening. It depends on your moral threshold. If  you have a pristine ideal of not using any substance even alcohol or tobacco and being pure like a Priest, then it's easy to be scared if you have a toke of marijuana or a glass of beer or wine. If a person aspires to something anything opposite of that will cause fear. My ideal in fact is to be pristine like a Priest which means no booze, drugs or tobacco. Pastor Joel often says, "God will help you get over that addiction." Implying that addiction is bad. But didn't Karl Marx say that, "Religion is the opiate of the masses." Religion can be a drug although in this day and age, it's more like Opiates is the religion of the masses. So many delinquent drug addict layabouts on the streets these days. The World is getting worse. Hence my fear. 

Did Queen Elizabeth live during better times? Did she live during the golden age? Not if you don't count Prohibition, the Great Depression, World War 2, East and West Germany Berlin Wall, The Cold War, Korean War, Vietnam War, the start of the proliferation of the urban hard drugs like heroin and cocaine culture during the 60s and onwards and Thatcher shutting down and outsourcing coal mines in the 80s as the golden age. 

One day, a few hundred years from now, there will be a Queen Elizabeth III. None of us will be around for that. 

Smoking pot makes me paranoid to the point where I think people are planning to kill me. These thoughts started in 1994. That was 28 years ago. Someone planning to kill me would wait 28 years? Why trade a larger window of time for a smaller window of time? The Bible says, "No weapon formed against you shall prosper." And United States money says, "In God we Trust." Trust God whenever you get paranoid. If a person hasn't done something that's obviously overtly criminal or egregious, they shouldn't worry about weird paranoid things. Don't have paranoia which is the belief that people are planning to harm you. Have metanoia which is the belief that people are looking out for and protecting you. 

Today, I got some Island Brie cheese. I don't have to go to Vancouver to get it. Island Brie is from Little Qualicum cheeseworks. Queen Elizabeth II once visited Qualicum Beach in 1983. 

If I visit Vancouver I won't go to the cheese shop. What. I have to go there every time I visit Vancouver? There's no cheese here? There is a really nice cheese shop in Sidney BC. Plus supermarkets and also WalMart  has a nice selection of cheese. I like Roquefort, Stilton and also Brie is good too. 

This morning, the day that QE2 died, I saw some signs. I sleep under 3 layers of blankets. This morning the bottom layer was completely on the floor beside my bed. This never happened before. Also a black left glove was on the floor. I might have knocked it down from the shelf atop a set of drawers last night but I don't remember doing it. The black glove on the floor reminds me of the dream I had years ago on Friday January 6 2017 where Queen Elizabeth was to shake my hand. I was wearing a black glove. She ripped the black glove off of my right hand and threw it to the floor before shaking my hand. Good dream! 

Friday, September 9, 2022

Woke up scared as ever. I weathered through it. Then I had one last toke from the leftover of the tokes I had the other day of the roach that I put in my pot pipe. The high feeling, the derealization and depersonalization, DRDP made me feel that I'm absolutely crazy in a lot of ways and it's a miracle that I was hauled off to the looney bin although I try to be normal I always wind up registering as crazy to myself and to others. 

In the midst of my pot high, I had to take a walk to do some things like return a blu ray to the Library. More on this is a second. I couldn't just writhe on my bed in my room saying, "I'm crazy! I'm crazy!"

So I went on a walk making sure to keep it together. If I stop on the street and say, "I'm crazy, I'm crazy." then I would be hauled off to the looney bin. I went on a walk. I even saw a Police SUV drive past me. No one noticed me or thought I was crazy but I was really making an effort to keep it together and to appear normal as possible even though I was screaming inside. I even walked down I street I never walked down before. I was lost for a few minutes but that's the fun part. I soon found my way back. The street I walked down is called Vancouver Street. Good name for a street! 

Pastor TD Jakes said that whoever you are, whatever you do, there will always be someone who is going to criticize you. Pastor Jakes said that even Jesus said that there will always be those who will criticize you. So keep doing what you are doing anyways. Be true to yourself.

Then on a DARE video podcast on YouTube, in the comments section someone named Alexsandra Pavon wrote that she had DRDP panic attacks based on existence itself, based on being on a rock floating in space. 

Then Mr Mojo Rising wrote in response, You have had panic attacks before. You have had panic attacks when not having DRDP. You most likely have had these thoughts before. Your anxiety response is stressed and needs something to pin it on most likely existence. You have had these thoughts before. Remember that you haven't changed and life will be as it was. Stay strong. God Bless.

Or words to that effect. 

King Charles III this morning said something like, "Things keep happening but you have to just keep moving forward." 

I wonder if I'll ever have the courage to go to Vancouver. I want 3 UBC shirts: 

One sweatshirt, $45

One UBC tshirt $17

One UBC crest tshirt $18

I would go to Vancouver to get these 3 shirts at the UBC bookstore. Also I want to visit Jericho Hostel just to visit the outside and take a selfie of myself there and visit the main lobby just to have a look. I still am very hesitant to stay there overnight. 

The Green Knight is about a young man named Gawain who the King chooses to be his right hand man; Dev Patel. Then a weird forest man creature man, the Green Knight enters and issues a challenge. Someone has to fight him right then and there and whatever injury is inflicted on the forest creature man, in a year at Christmas, this same person must ride 6 days to the North to a green chapel where the forest creature man will inflict the same injury as is inflicted on him. 

Gawain chops the Green Knight's head off. Then Gawain rides to the North meeting all these people. Gawain wears a green sash that makes him invincible. Gawain meets all these different people but finally makes it to the green chapel to meet the forest creature man once again on Christmas Day. The Green Knight wants to cut his head off as was done to him, but Gawain runs away. Gawain has a series of visions all the way to the distant future. He is King and the Green Knight visits him again. As King, Gawain takes off the green sash and then his head falls off. Back to the pressent, Gawain kneels and accepts as the Green Knight cuts off his head. 

This is a metaphor of how a Monarch's rule is a full circle. The previous monarch dies, he becomes King, he dies and then the next Monarch becomes King. It's a very surreal arthouse picture with lots of medieval themes too. Neither is really my thing but I did watch the movie.

The Golden Bough, JW Turner

James G Frazier in his book The Golden Bough talks about a painting by Turner. The painting is of the Temple at Nemi. The legend is, there is an old Priest at the Temple of Nemi who can only be displaced when a young man visits him and kills him. This young man then becomes the new Priest but he now must wait until the next young man kills him and then that next young man will become the next Priest etc. 

The old Monarch can only be displaced upon death. Then the new Monarch will take over and then must wait until their death and then the next new Monarch after that will be the one who replaces. 

The Green Knight is a story about the cyclical nature of Monarchy. 

 

Saturday, September 10, 2022

Today I went to Government House to sign a book of condolences for the dearly departed Queen Elizabeth II. I wrote: 

"God save the Queen. God bless you. Thank you for your years of service. I will enjoy myself today. Your subject, Dean Noble." 

I will enjoy myself today is a reference to a dream I had about Queen Elizabeth when she sat on a chair outside of a castle building. I walked past her and she said, "I hope you enjoy yourself today." I said very gently, "What?" She said, "I hope you enjoy yourself today." 

Those words would directly address my tendency for depression and anxiety.

Government House is surprisingly close to Craigdarroch Castle. I thought that Government House would be much farther away. Government House is where Prince William and Princess Kate stayed when they visited Victoria in September 2016. 

Life is full of surprises. A week ago I would have had no idea that I'd be visiting Government House. At one time I thought that I might never visit Government House. No reason to. I thought it was really far away. It's a lot closer than I thought. 

I never thought I'd get Island Brie in this town. I thought it was only available at that store in Vancouver. Island Brie tastes much better than I thought it would. I thought it would taste ordinary it's alright, whatever. It tastes spectacular. 

I then went to the grocery store and got the last two wheels of  Island Brie cheese. Island Brie is very very good. It's about 11 stars out of ten. It has a rich creamy sweet flavor like caramel and has the consistency of melted butterscotch. The outside crust of the brie cheese has a slightly salty caramel taste and a lovely texture like eating a friable leather that just melts in the mouth. The wheels were $10.84 each which wipes out my budget. I don't know if I wish I was rich. Being rich make you confront certain available decisions that wouldn't be there if you were poor. 

Rich. How rich are we talking about? A million dollars? Then, do I get a BMW or not. Plopping down so much money all at once for a car would cause a mild panic and anxiety attack. Once you got the car, then it's a whole set of worries. Insurance, gas. If I drive the car, a momentary lapse of attention at any crucial time could mean a car accident. Even if one accidentally runs over a pedestrian and that pedestrian dies, that's vehicular manslaughter and one is doing time for that. Forget the car. Then if rich, what, go on vacation? Vacation is time, energy and a hassle and not chickening out at the last minute. Twice in my life I had plane ticket in hand and just decided not to go on that day, missing the flight and being out a few hundred dollars. Countless times, I chickened out on planned trips to Sidney BC although I did eventually go. I chickened out this last week on a tentative planned trip to Vancouver. I was going to go to Vancouver to look for Island Brie cheese. Well good thing it's available at a grocery store  here. It is a local product. Qualicum where Island Brie cheese is made is about 129 km or else 80 miles from here. Previously my cheese preference was more along the line of blue cheese, Stilton and Roquefort. But now I like Island Brie cheese. Island Brie would be more expensive if sold elsewhere. It is a connoisseur's artisan cheese product. 

Another thing. Being rich means moving to a new place probably to another town. If I was rich, my number one paramount dream is to move to Vancouver and to live near UBC or Kitsilano. The East End is very acceptable too, around the Commercial Drive area or else in the Strathcona neighbourhood, but the Strathcona neighbourhood is alarmingly close to the Hastings Street tent city aka ground zero. Let's just focus on the paramount dream which is to live near UBC. Moving away means leaving behind a lot of friends here. Friends I have known for years. This town is nice, but let's face it, Vancouver is more of a Tron future city advanced infrastructure civilization. Vancouver has more to do. But I do like the insouciant ancillary charms of this town as well. Money can separate you from your friends in quest of a dream that involves other towns. If I was to stay in this town, James Bay is where I would like to move to. These are impossible dreams unless a miracle happens. 

Yesterday when I was somewhat blasted on marijuana, I wondered if I should go to Government House to sign the book of condolences. That would be crazy! I thought. My aim is to be completely 100% normal like a Priest. A Priest does not smoke pot nor tobacco and a Priest isn't an alcoholic. A Priest has a great faith in God and Jesus, more faith than the average person. A Priest lives a normal life and doesn't do anything crazy, although going up to the altar and doing the rituals like lighting the candles or breaking the bread of communion in front of a large crowd of parishioners in pews all watching him is a bit crazy. Or Pastor Joel Osteen standing in front of an immense crowd and giving a sermon every week, that takes guts because that is a little bit crazy too. Every human life involves a bit of craziness. There's no getting away from it. Working an 8 hour shift at a grocery store as a cashier and dealing with a lot of people every day is a bit crazy. After work, the cashier might smoke some weed and think, "Holy smokes! Good God! That was incredibly crazy! I'm crazy! I'm crazy! I want to be normal but I wind up being crazy." 

Seeing people on the streets, society allows a person a lot of leeway when it comes to being crazy. There are the panhandlers who sat out there every day for hours a day and they did this for years, for at least 10 years. That's crazy. The guy who has the 'Rebel 4 Life' canoe and protesting. That's crazy too. 

Even some of the details of Royalty, how their likeness and stories of them are published in every newspaper and magazine pretty much across the globe. That's a crazy detail. Although the Royals themselves are not crazy. They are 100% normal. I wish I was normal like them. 

I wish to be perfect, but the movie Tron Legacy said, "The thing about perfection is that it's unknowable. It's impossible but it's also right there in front of us all the time." 

Every human life involves a bit of craziness. There's no getting away from it. 

Still struggling with mini blasts of anxiety. 

The 90s song Everybody's Free To Wear Sunscreen is a great song of advice. 

It's better to have no friends at all than to have lousy friendships. Heather is a bastion of work work work. How many more years do I have to push her in a wheelchair? I weigh about 130 pounds while Heather weighs about 275 pounds. I mean, come on! But pushing her in a wheelchair especially uphill has given me muscles that I otherwise wouldn't have. It keeps me fit. 

Suzie is a friendship that is ultimately going nowhere. Bad energy jangle. Waste of time. I have no time for useless acquaintances, relationships that mean nothing and friendships that go nowhere. If I moved to another town, I doubt that Suzie would care. 

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. 

If you spend time on pointless activities, the outcome will be equally pointless. 

It's a shit sandwich. I am sandwiched between two shit people or else two shit friendships. My whole life has been one shit sandwich after another where I am in between two people who I really would rather not be with. Two people who are bad for me. Even zen people. I couldn't stand to be with people who are into zen Buddhism either. Zen people are square and patronizing, self righteous, and they say weird things sometimes. And then at the Church I go to, I have no friends. No one whom I visit and no one who visits me. Church is a place of fairweather Christians and fairweather friends. 

When I look back on life I can't ever say that I have ever had a perfect friend. Every friendship had one weird issue or another. 

Either its class differences or else nothing comes between a friendship like money. Enemies aren't much worse than friends. With enemies you know in advance to avoid them, to give them a wide berth and the mutual enmity often makes them want to avoid you too. With friends it's like can you do this or do that for me, can you do me a favor, can you lend me money? Friends and enemies are almost equally bad. 

I visit Suzie because I have nothing better to do and my life is going nowhere. If I had something much better to do, I wouldn't visit Suzie. I dread the next 20 years. And after that too. I wonder why I am alive. Why hasn't God ended my life like he has ended so many others? 

I wonder if I'm even a friend to myself? I put strange challenges on myself, I give myself compulsions to visit useless friends like Suzie and Heather, I don't give myself the vision or willpower to quit smoking tobacco and now sometimes marijuana roaches found on the street. This town is boring but Vancouver is a regression to some former bullshit, all things in Vancouver are a variable in an equation of regression. Any other town in this Province is a backwater, backward infrastructure, jerkwater shit hole, even more boring than this town. Life is hopeless. Why do I even bother living except for that I have to. 

My internet career is dead. I compare my YouTube career to Scotty Kilmer. His videos got 1 billion views and he earned $7 million from YouTube. But the vast majority of people on YouTube don't reach that level so I'm in distinguished company. My blog never has any comments but the majority of comments I received were nasty. Brittyy44 said that at one time she was told to kill herself at least once a day in comments. Timothy Chalomet said he received a lot of online hate. I can't imagine anyone saying anything bad about him. Even Queen Elizabeth had people writing nasty tweets about her after she died. YouTube videos talk about this. That's the kind of world we live in. 

No one wrote comments on my blog but then I have never written a comment on anyone else's blog. Ever. 

If I had $7 million like Scotty Kilmer, it would be a disaster. I am old enough and wise enough to know that a lot of money probably wouldn't be a good thing. Overwhelming decisions and changes that can move one to different towns away from old friends but then there isn't any such thing as really good friends, remember? Or get a car that's high maintenance. Too many worries, issues and decisions surrounding owning a car. Travel is a hassle and overwhelming. 

Only young people are inexperienced enough to think that a lot of money like $7 million is a good thing. 

Me with $7 million dollars? My vision would be to live near UBC. Don't get a car. Just use my scooter or ride the bus. Don't get a BMW. The only stylish BMWs are 80s BMWs but that is now an old tired dream. Just give up on that dream of an 80s BMW. Don't travel. Or else maybe travel to England and Thailand, maybe Poland. Or forget it. I often chicken out on my travel plans. 

Sunday, September 11, 2022

Today, I went to the Presbyterian Church aka the Church of Scotland. I went there even though they still have a masking policy which I don't really like, because one, Queen Elizabeth died in Scotland, two, the dream of Prince Philip wearing the Scottish beret with the red and white checkers and then because King Charles III was asked about defending the Church of Scotland which he said he would do. The Presbyterian Church had a picnic today. I didn't go. It was far away, two hours and people would be expected to take the bus back if they didn't have a car. I just didn't feel like going. 

I go to two Churches, the Anglican Christ Church Cathedral on the hill and St Andrews Presbyterian just down the Street. St Andrew is the Saint of Scotland. I got baptized at the Presbyterian Church. Scottish rites. 

I might go to the 4:00 choir song at Christ Church Cathedral. CCC has beautiful architecture, stained glass windows, atmospherics and the no masking policy. 

Even after having gone to those Churches for years I don't have any really close friends at either Church. But people love you even though they don't always show it. 

Karen Connelly wrote in Touch the Dragon, " The deepest connections are often unseen. The Thais will take care of you." 

Today, I took one step further into Polo heaven. I got two grey Ralph Lauren towels to replace the aging towels which I have. I got one bath towel for $20 and a large hand towel which I will use as a bath mat for $10. This isn't like spending $200 for a 20 minute sea plane trip to Vancouver, and about 20 minutes later it's gone. I plan to have these towels for years. The towels will pay for themselves after two months and I still have them. I got them at Winners. 

I discovered them while taking Heather to Winners. She needed some pillows and she got a nice pair of Calvin Klein pillows for $35. I am still working for Heather wheeling her around. I still love her. I can not shake the love that I have for her. She is an incredibly sweet lady. 

Winners have low prices and the Ralph Lauren towels here cost less than towels of other brands that aren't even Ralph Lauren. 

Polo Ralph Lauren is the BMW of clothing. BMW is the Polo Ralph Lauren of cars. It's the 80s yuppie style. But this is low rent yuppie. A real yuppie would live in a nice place near UBC, heck in New York or Los Angeles. And a yuppie would want to have a new BMW, not a 35 year old BMW. 

I probably won't get a BMW. Insurance, gas, expensive. Plus I have to drive the thing. However good of a driver I am, all it takes is one slip up. There is less of a margin of error as a car driver than there is as a pedestrian. 

Monday, September 12, 2022

I went to the James Bay Inn today. I had two pancakes with maple syrup and coffee. Then I went to the beach. Then I went to the grocery store and got a piece of rockfish aka rock bass. Then I spent the rest of the day in my room. 

The only reward I get for going through a day of fear is yet another day of fear. Today is no exception. Must I be having fear every day for life? I hope to be happy one day like Tom Cruise finally found happiness at the end of the movie The Last Samurai. 

Life is something that gives us breath and consciousness but it's also something that gives fear and anxiety. Fear and anxiety are gourmet luxury items in the clear stressless totally happy environment of heaven. A lot of luxury items are rotten things. Cheese is rotted milk. Wine is rotted grapes. Fear and anxiety are rotten feelings in the limitless expanse of the bliss of heaven. 

In some cases people pay money to be scared like when paying to see a movie or to ride a roller coaster or to see the chamber of horrors in a wax museum. 

People reincarnate to feel these luxury gourmet feelings which are impossible in heaven. In heaven you know that if something happens and you die, you just wind up back in heaven again. 

"None of this is real." The Maze Runner 

I want to be 100% normal and happy yet I wind up being a crazy man. Life is bonkers therefore I am bonkers. Much of life is crazy. Being a pilot and flying a 747 from Los Angeles to London and back 3 times a week is crazy. Being a lion tamer and performing 3 nights a week for 16 weeks of the year during Circus season is crazy. So is being a trapeze artist. Lots of crazy jobs in the world. 

My dream diary. My blog. My cartoons. I am sitting on a gold mine of online property. I won't see any of that money. Google partly owns anything you put on it. Someone can order from Google, "I want a copy of that blog in book form." And Google will sell it to them. I don't see any of that money. Publishing is a very dishonest business. It's just like converting a YouTube music video into an mp3, put it on the iPod but the artist doesn't see any of that money. This is happening to my online property but on a much larger scale. To be an artist and to go into business around the art is two different skill sets. There's the accounting and money collecting and collecting tax revenue that comes from that. The tax revenue benefits government and even royalty because they want their cut. They want their piece of the action. 

I am a talented artist and writer. I create. But instead of living in a place near Vanier Park, I live in a dive of a rooming house hotel with delinquent neighbors. Life has ripped me off. I could be living at Parkview Towers near Vanier Park but perhaps Parkview Towers has delinquent neighbors too. 

Parkview Towers rent is $1,950 per month not including utilities. Pricey. 

To not get any money from your art or writings on the internet brings depression. But to get money brings anxiety. All of a sudden there's options and decisions. Do I travel or not? Travel is a hassle. Do I get a car or not? A car is stressful. High maintenance. Do I move to a better house in another better more developed town or not? Starting over is stressful. Leaving behind friends you've known for years is stressful. 

Being rich and owning a rich house is stressful. There are lots of rooms in the house that must be kept clean. Also the outside of the house has to be painted every 10 years. The grass has to be mowed. There are bills like property taxes, electricity, water, cable etc. Again, a stressful hassle. 

I live in one room in a rooming house and just keeping the one room clean is a job I am failing. But the electricity and cable and other bills the landlord takes care of. But it's not as luxurious a digs as living in a rich house in Kitsilano or near UBC in Vancouver. 

Either way you lose. That's why life has lost all it's magic for me. 

But within every problem there contains a gem of the solution. Things will work themselves out in time as more information becomes available. 

Life is overwhelming. I am constantly overwhelmed. 

"You have serious thrill issues." Finding Nemo

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. Would that extend to the living of life itself? Life is a stupid game and the stupid prizes are fear, anxiety, boredom, depression, being overwhelmed, the fear of dying young when young or else the decrepitude and deterioration of old age and the fear of death, all of which are guaranteed in life. 

Stupid games, stupid prizes. That would include getting laid and the stupid prize would be to be on the hook for child support. 

Steal Away, Reprise, piano only, Robert W Fredere is a classic instrumental. Iconic. 

RedLetterMedia uses this song often. 

Tuesday, September 13, 2022

Things that even though are legal can still do a number on the mind. Marijuana is one of them. Whisky is another one too. These things are just as well avoided. 

I removed a negative review I wrote. If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say it at all. 

Today, I spent most of the day at home drawing some pictures of the dreams I had. 

In the evening, I went for a walk and went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered honey garlic spareribs to go with my rice. 

Wednesday, September 14, 2022

Last night I had a really strange dream about Queen Elizabeth. I was sitting with  her in an SUV then I kissed her and she kissed me. Other things went on but you'll have to see my dream blog to read the full details. I thought I was already crazy. This is too crazy. 

I went to visit Heather. She was getting her room cleaned. Then I wheeled her to McDonald's and we had a meal from a two can dine for $13.99 coupon. At McDonald's I saw my friend Elizabeth. I gave her a hug and a kiss. It was good to see her. 

Then I wheeled Heather back to her apartment. She had to call Telus because her phone and TV got disconnected. It was probably the jackasses from Kool-Aid, the ACT team and Island Health that pulled out the plugs that powered her Telus connections when they cleaned her room. 

Then I saw a quote from Neal David Walsh 

I really needed to see this. It was located at a local cafe restaurant. 

I think I'm crazy and wish I was 100% normal and perfect. But I wind up being crazy. 

I often think I might be sent to the mental ward. I wish I lived a normal uncrazy life like Jesus. But some details of Jesus' life was crazy too in a lot of ways. Walking on water, raising Lazarus from the dead. That's crazy. 

neale donald walsch you touch people more than you know rest easy you are loved

Then I went back to Heather. The health care worker couldn't be there so asked me to take her clothes out of the dryer which would be an hour. I wheeled her again this time to Burger King and then to the park again. Then after taking her clothes out of the dryer, I didn't just stuff her clothes into a bag, I folded each of them for her. And she had a lot of clothes. Then she had to call Telus again and I waited with her for about 20 minutes while they kept her on hold. She never did get to Telus. She gave up and hung up the phone. I'm sure her telephone and television problem will be resolved. 

Today I sent a letter to Prince William at Windsor Castle as he told me to in a dream. Crazy or what? That would bring Police attention towards me. But a lot of people send the Royal Family letters.

Prince William would never see that letter. What will happen is that a secretary and a security guard will read and screen that letter, decide it's from a nut and then either throw it in the garbage or else all letters are kept on file forever. But no Royalty would see that letter. Royalty get thousands of letters a year. They are busy. They don't have time to see anymore than a very few letters. 

I'm sure lots of mental cases writes letters to Royalty every year. 

The letter I sent was very respectful. I followed protocol and ended the letter with, "I have the honor to be your humble and obedient subject." Or words to that effect. 

My crazy friend Terry Edwards, 30 years ago, told me that he used to send Queen Elizabeth letters. One of the letters saying, "Why don't you hold Philip's c*ck firm in c*nt?" Terry was crazy but also very brilliant. I think that Terry died in 2019. I saw it on the internet. It said someone named Terry Edwards with his exact same birth-date complete with month, day, and year, what were the chances of that, died in 2019.

Now I'm left wondering how I'm going to handle the next 20 years. Why do I get Royal dreams all the time? Is that normal? 

I saw Dr Bonnie Henry again today! I was with Heather. I wished the Doctor best wishes. 

In the evening, I visited Heather again.

Thursday, September 15, 2022

This morning at 5:30 am I went to the beach. I wanted to see the sunrise. It was glorious. 

Today, I visited Heather and wheeled her around. 

Then I spent the rest of the day at home. I watched two movies today. Mission Impossible Rogue Nation. It's a story of Ethan Hunt trying to recover some nuclear war heads that were stolen from Russia. How possible is that in real life? The KGB or else the Spetza would kill anyone stealing that or else send them to a gulag for a very long time. In Paris France the French Police in the movie had Police written on their clothing. In France? I thought they'd have the word Gendarmie or Surete written on their clothing. This was probably done for the English speaking audience. Then the Mission moves to London. I heard of Down and Out in Paris and London, but this is ridiculous. 

A Royal Night Out is a fictitious depiction of a real event. During the movie I wept tears for the departed Queen Elizabeth. These weren't tears of fear thinking that Queen Elizabeth went to who knows where? The dreams I had taught me that there is a holographic realm with a different set of physics and time dynamic of another dimension that supersedes this dimension. Queen Elizabeth could have gone through a full nearly one hundred year life review and when it is over, it would be as one second had passed for us and she can thus instantly in our time resume the now afterlife duty of watching over all of us who are her subjects. 

The tears I wept were tears of love. I love Queen Elizabeth whether she is alive or dead. Now she is dead, as the case is. The movie depicted her as a very Royal but also very loving person. 

The movie ended with Jack quickly kissing a young Queen Elizabeth which reminded me of a dream I had yesterday where the old Queen Elizabeth sitting next to me in an SUV kissed me. Dreams are weird. Strange dreams are made of this. 

Friday, September 16, 2022

Today, I went to the beach again. I woke up in fear this morning. I had a weird dream last night. A nebulous Royal dream consisting of two large blue dots. The purchasing and sticking in an oven and eating some spare ribs. I thought of Thailand. Then I saw my old Highschool friend JF whom I hadn't seen for decades. I visited his place and saw that his white porcelain toilets and two white porcelain sinks were very messy and stained. This dream scared me as I woke up and I thought, Great, another day of fear. Must I feel this damned fear for the rest of my life?! 

Why do have more Royal dreams than I have dreams of my dead mother? For every dream I have of my dead mother, I have about a few hundred Royal dreams. What a strange ratio. It should be the other way around, I would think. 

A blast of burning anxiety every night. Yesterday and today too. The book Dune, Frank Herbert said that a bad smells is a bad omen. I think my anxiety that I've been feeling in the last year means that it's a bad omen that I'll be dead in just a few years. I never felt this bad since I was 51. During my 40s I still felt relatively normal. When I masturbate, I very often feel a burning feeling of anxiety in my stomach that I never felt before. I might have to consult a TCM Chinese traditional medicine doctor to feel my pulse. 

Anxiety in Cantonese is 'jiew loy'. I'll mention this to the TCM doctor. 

Every time I visit Heather it's a massive megaload of work work work. She needs to be wheeled here and there. She is a bit of a slob and this needs cleaning and that needs cleaning. Just when I wheel her someplace and think that is it, she needs to be wheeled to yet another place. The thing is, there is no end in sight. She could be crippled for life. She swears up and down that she won't but what does she know? She's a burden who is destroying one month after another of mine with no end in sight. One day I'm just going to have to give up on her. She gives me anxiety. The other day her bed was intensely profoundly infested with bedbugs. Seeing that would give one anxiety. And there was the massive workload of helping her do her laundry because she couldn't do it herself. Her nurses was able to do most of the laundry but there was one load the nurses couldn't do so asked if I could do it. I did it. The nurse got paid for that, Heather got the work done for her. I was the one left holding the bag doing the work for nothing. Every time I visit her she has to be wheeled somewhere. She could use her electric wheelchair but she is clumsy and has run into people with it causing me more anxiety. People are often crippled for life. One day, I'm just going to give up on the friendship. She gives me anxiety. I carry around the anxiety and pin it on other things like eating, traveling, etc. Sometimes a friend can just drain your energy and suck the very essence out of you. One day, I'm going to say, "I give up. I'm not visiting you anymore. I don't want to be your friend anymore. There is no end in sight to the work. The work is endless. Month in month out. Have a nice life." A friend like this is wose than an enemy. If she dies, it's not my problem. But sometimes you don't know if the last time you've seen someone is the last time you've seen someone. Heather is obese and I would not be surprised if she had a heart attack or deadly stroke one day. She doesn't exercise at all and is very sluggish and unfit. I always think that she will be dead in a few years. But this is coming from the same person, that is me, who thinks that I will be dead in a few years from tobacco smoking and from stress and anxiety. I do often think that I will be dead in a few years. This town is lousy but I can't move back to Vancouver which is in some ways a better town but in some ways a worse town too. I'm all out of options. I won't kill myself but I wonder if God could kill me quickly and painlessly. My life is going nowhere. It's not like I'm begging for my life at every turn. From experience, if you go back to a town you used to live in before, through Murphys Law, for sure you'll see some people you don't like from that town that you knew before because of course not all of them have died or moved away and whatever bullshit situation you had with them before will surely pick up from where it left off. It's a regression to some former bullshit. What happens in a town stays in a town. 

To visit the town for just one day is one thing. To move back and to hunker down is another because for sure you'll run into your old nemesis and enemies from that town. 

Pray for God to kill me quickly, painlessly and soon. There is no such thing as a happy ever after. Ever. All scenes, situations, eras and phases in life get replaced with another Era, scene, situation and phase just as problem ridden as the last. Mark my words. To live life is to play a stupid game and win stupid prizes. I give life two stars out of five and always always will. 

"Homesickness is like any other illness. It will pass." Brooklyn, 2016 movie starring Saoirse Ronan

Saturday, September 17, 2022

Another day of what to do today. Every day is a blank slate of boredom. Go to the same places I've gone to hundreds of times before or else a stressful rigorous and expensive trip to Vancouver. Those are my only options and the Vancouver trip is something that I can only do once or no more than twice a year leaving the rest of the days of the year. 

I won't stay overnight at a hostel. It costs about $50, I sleep at 2 am usually and I'll have to be in a room with 3 other people?! Staying at a normal hotel costs at least $100 a night and involves having a credit card. I have no credit card. Getting a credit card and spending that much money on a room for one night causes me to have anxiety. That burning feeling in the stomach anxiety. I hope that I'm not this way for life. Hopefully I can feel better about life in general one day. 

I'll have to visit Heather today and tell her that one day I'm just going to stop visiting her as there is no end in sight to this. Every visit with her involves a megaload of work work work on my part. It gives me anxiety. To visit her and to help her is compassion for her. To not visit her is compassion for myself. She is a sweet loving lady but the work gives me anxiety and again, there is no end in sight. 

Heather is my source for free cigarettes. She keeps cigarette butts for me. I smoke that so I don't have to pay for tobacco which is expensive. I am hopelessly addicted to tobacco with no end in sight. I'm perhaps doomed. 

I dread Monday. Monday is the local funeral procession for Queen Elizabeth and there is expected to be a throng of at least 1,000 people and the route they will take will pass directly in front of the rooming house hotel I live at. I hope the day goes well and smoothly. I am not looking forward to that. Maybe I can join the procession. It's open to the public. Otherwise as usual, another day of boredom and what to do. 

Visited Heather. We went to McDonald's. She took her electric wheelchair. She's getting quite good at steering it. I've prayed hundreds of times for Heather to get better and walk again. I hope that God heals her. I don't know if he will. 

I went to Fairway Market to get something to go with my rice that I have for dinner. I went with the beef medley which is beef cooked with Korean gojuchang ketchup sauce. I also got some ching bo leung which is a Chinese herbal soup which is supposed to be good for the respiratory system, for sweats and heatstroke, good for after eating salty and fried foods and good for health overall. Ching bo leung is traditionally cooked with pork bones. I would go with ground pork except the last time I got ground pork a few years ago, I didn't cook it right and I got tapeworms. Trichinosis. I was scared ever since of purchasing raw pork to cook. I always purchase precooked pork from those who know how to cook it. I was going to get crispy pork from a store in Chinatown but that store is closed for holidays. This is a bit of a backwater. Chinatown in Vancouver would have at least half a dozen stores that sell crispy pork. This town has only one store that sells that and that store is closed today, to be reopen on Tuesday. The one store that this town has is one more store than Dawson Creek has. Some towns are really really backwater. 

Traveling 101: Never go to jerkwater backwater towns which have a paucity of infrastructure. That would be taking a step backwards. 

Sunday, September 18, 2022

Woke up feeling not bad. Not much fear if any at all. I went to Church. Felt better. The bracing architecture and the music sure lifted my spirit. 

After Church I did something irreverent. I went and bought for $1 at the bargain bin DVD store a copy of Religulous. For some reason, the movie Religulous has the atmosphere and all the trappings of the religious acoutrements and the movie gives me the Sunday vibes. I don't believe in the premise of the video which is that Christianity is ridiculous and Jesus is a made up fairy tale with lots of loopholes. 

After Church today, I found out that the one store which sells crispy pork in Chinatown is closed for a temporary holiday to be reopen next week on Tuesday. I wanted to get crispy pork to cook with the ching bo leung I bought. 

Thank God for the gift of life. Thank God for restoring me so that I feel at least halfways normal as I did before. For much of the last year, I felt extreme anxiety and fear after the burnout PTSD of last summer. The PTSD burnout I got from sleeping two to three hours a night for weeks on end, no afternoon naps, the pandemic having a 'record number of cases' every day as was reported on the News and I had to help and be caregiver to Heather 7 days a week, plus wheel her around outdoors when I preferred to have played it cautious and stayed home and with no end in sight. I was glad to do it. I did make a difference for Heather for she would be considerably worse off had I not been there for her. I do love her and helping people less fortunate is what God and Jesus would want us to do. I am glad to do what I did for her and I hope that it was enough. I do love Heather and I hope that she heals. 

One doesn't have to fear old age and death. One imagines it to be an ugly and painful time when it is actually a very beautiful and blissful nostalgia filled time. 

Went to Church twice today. Then I went and got two Vietnamese salad rolls. It was good. Eating good food helps to overcome burnout. I am feeling a lot better than I did a year ago when the burnout was so bad I thought that I would be dead in less than a year. I'm still alive today. 

Monday, September 19

"Ball of confusion, That's what the world is today, Woo hey hey." Love and Rockets

The Queen's funeral on television is a ball of depression. I only watched a bit of it. It was all I could take. It's still a gut wrenching shock that Queen Elizabeth died. I guess what would be more shocking is if she was able to live to 200 and was still alive even then. People die. I don't go to funerals. Too depressing. I don't expect anyone to go to my funeral and I wouldn't blame them. Too depressing. They should spend the day enjoying the day instead. Enjoying nature etc. 

The Crown was taken off the coffin. QE2 won't be interred with that Crown. That Crown can only be used for a future Queen as it has the Koh-I-Noor diamond. That diamond is lethal for men but perfectly safe for women. 

A person can be depressed and burned out for so long and then that depression breaks with an unexpected fit of laughter one day. A person can be happy for so long and then that happiness breaks with a fit of depression and burnout. Things often turn into their opposites. That's life. 

A flower eventually decomposes and turns into dirt. That dirt eventually grows another flower. 

I expect to see Heather a lot less. A YouTube video called '50 Love Lessons Written by A 100 Year Old/Things I Learned From Painful Experience'  said, "Love is not rocket science. If it takes a long time to decide whether or not they love you or not, they don't." and another piece of advice said, "Love should not cost you your happiness. If you are unhappy then it isn't love." I'm paraphrasing. 

But no relationship is perfect. All relationships are dysfunctional just as all families are dysfunctional.

The human species is dysfunctional. Humans have an average of 100 IQ but create problems and issues that takes a 450 IQ to solve. 

Imperfection is the essence of life. Love comes from not achieving perfection which is impossible but to love despite the inevitable imperfections that will emerge. 

If you are waiting for that perfect love, then you will wait forever but a lot of relationships are more imperfect than others. Just try to find the love relationship that is the least imperfect as possible. Or at least has a tolerable margin of imperfection. 

There is no such thing as happily ever after. There never was. What day in one's life does one not turn on the News or read the Newspaper and see one worrying depressing story after another. But most if not all of these issues resolve themselves over time. 

"As an old man, I  have seen many troubles. Most of which have never happened." Mark Twain

"I was with people who had shed all the inconsequences of earlier life." The Curious Tale of Benjamin Button

The Ukraine War will be over one day. I think it will end with a divided Ukraine, East and West Ukraine. But even then, eventually over time, Ukraine will unite again. Perhaps. This is just a guess. 

Today at 9:30 am I went to the Legislative Building to join the procession for the commemoration of Queen Elizabeth. I went there and got a Starbucks coffee. Soon I saw quite a few politicians including the Premier. There were howitzers firing gun salutes that was quite loud. A few demonstrators wearing red paint splattered shirts were lying on the ground and one of those demonstrators was a woman who was screaming each time a howitzer gun fired. Despite this I had little to no anxiety. My anxiety order must be healing. There were quite a few members of the military there. They looked quite elegant and so many of them made me think of World War 2 and how the streets must have had lots of military about on the streets. The March went on the streets and stopped at the Church. That was when I left. 

The military ladies at the commemoration ceremony for the departed Queen reminded me of the military ladies in the movie Stripes. I think that a military lady wouldn't want to meet someone like me. They are on another level. Meanwhile I have a constant weird fetish for granny porn. I am a fuck up in that respect. In my next life I would like to have a military lady as a friend if not girlfriend. Of course I couldn't join the military. The oldest age one can join the military in Canada is age 35 if they had no previous experience in the military. I am age 52, underweight, underweight and with quite a few mental problems including anxiety disorder and my strange taste in porn. Some people have weirder tastes but if it's at the point where I'm saying that, it means that I'm pretty much gone. 

The Church service was televised and I watched the entire thing on television. There were a lot of bigwigs there including the Premier, the Mayor and the Police Chief of the Vancouver Police. There were quite a few Provincial politicians, MLAs from the Legislative Buildings there too. 

Vancouver is a big city and the Police force there is major. 

I plan on visiting Vancouver again when I get my courage to travel again. Even if I don't have courage, do it afraid. If I wait until I'm ready, I'll never be ready. 

I have a few skills. I can draw pictures well. I draw pictures of celebrity faces well as I channel when I draw those pictures. I am a writer of some skill. I can ride my scooter well and I can do parkour on a minor level. The parkour practitioners on YouTube are major. They can do a full front of back flip from a good height. Even double front flip. They are Jedi masters. I'm certainly not on that level. I am a good person and I try to be a good person. 

I got a letter from the local civic voter registration committee. It was a letter regarding the upcoming next local civic election and where to vote. The letter had my current name which I had it legally changed to plus the name I had before I changed it legally two decades ago. It was an awful ethnic name which doesn't reflect that I speak English all the time. My awful father would have me go through life in Canada with that awful English name. 

"You named me Han Solo?! You're the one who's always wearing the vest." That's My Boy, 2012 movie 

My father named me that awful ethnic name meanwhile he gives himself an English name but he's the one who comes to Canada and 40 to 50 years later is still speaking that ethnic language every day. Talk about projection. My father wasn't the sharpest knife in the drawer when it came to coming up with names. If he wrote a novel all the characters in his novel would have airhead names. If you want to reflect on how someone treats you, think of how that person treats themself and how they treat others. He named himself Robert. His only brothers name is Bob. Which is basically the same name. He couldn't have enough brainpower to come up with any other name than a derivative of his brothers name. And his two other children he names Terry and Teresa which is basically the same name. Terry is an abbreviated nickname of Teresa. It's that kind of airhead name deciding brainpower that made him give me some stupid ethnic name which I detest. Ethnic names are muddy especially if I don't speak some damned ethnic language for hours on end every day. 

This ethnic name comes from a culture where every word in that language has only one syllable. It's a culture where every time you want to write a new word, you got to learn to draw a new picture. But that pictographic otherwise has no clue to how the word sounds unlike the English alphabet with its phonetic based letters. It's a wonder that culture survived for as long as it did. It's not difficult to deconstruct any culture. 

All cultures are dysfunctional. That's why I give life only 2 stars out of 5. I only have to worry about this bullshit for another 20 years or so, or less, then I'll be dead. 

On Judgement day in the afterlife, not only will you be judged, hopefully you will get a chance to judge life itself and to give it a rating. 

And why would city hall put my old name on the voters registration letter? They had to dig around to come up with that name. And for what? To suggest that I vote in a silly election which I'm not really legally required to vote in. I'm not even morally required to vote in that election. Some low grade frivolous election in some semi-obscure officious backwater town. No thanks. I don't know any of the candidates and I don't know about nor do I care about any of the issues. Much ado about nothing. Ad absurdio. Dig up my old pre name change name to put on an envelope addressed to me in some weird attempt protracted procedure to get me to vote in some silly two bit election. I just think it's funny. 

This is the same town that used to be more touristy but then in the last few years they closed the wax museum, undersea gardens and the 3rd floor of the BC museum, they were going to close that museum altogether down for 8 years because this town isn't a backwater enough, it needs to be even more of a backwater, until residents opposed it. 

This is the same town that's probably done the same thing to other voters. Again, look at what they did to themselves and what they did to others to evaluate what they did to you. 

What my name was before, why is it such an issue with them? 

There are problems and there are problems. This isn't the same as a health anxiety problem or a problem that requires money or even effort. This isn't a punch in the face kind of problem. I could throw the letter way and not go to the election. I couldn't care less about the election. 

No one at city hall would see this as no one reads my blog anyways. I could move to another town which would give this an added level of irrelevance. 

I hate most letters and throw them in the garbage which is where most letters belong. 

-I copy and pasted most of the above paragraph and sent it to city hall. 

Don't give anyone your email address. Use temp mail. 

City hall likes getting letters. I didn't address it to anyone in particular so it wasn't personal to anyone. Also, I didn't use any profanity in the letter. 

I don't know why I care about ethnic names. Quite a few famous people use ethnic names like the Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso or Aung Sung Suu Kyi. A local Vietnamese dentist is named Ngan Hyunh. None of them have opted for Western names. Overseas Presidents of various countries all had non Westernized names. They don't care. Even Royalty of non Western countries have ethnic names. It's just that I prefer to use the name that I chose for myself and not to use a name assigned to me, kind of like how some people prefer personalized license plates. 

However, just offhand, my ethnic name has an interesting anagrammatical derivative or embedded anagram: wING K. = ingk = King

If the w in my ethnic name was upside down, it'd be an M, spelling Ming, Ming Dynasty. 

The first 3 letters of my ethnic name spell Win. What a misnomer. I sure didn't win in life. My mother died before I was 1 year old. I haven't gotten married. Other people met and knew their mothers and got married too. I wonder why I even bothered with life and living? Is that God's plan for me? He should have killed me just around the time that my mother died. 

I'm reading a book available for free on Google Books. It's called All Against All from Nathan Allen. Set in the year 2040, it's about a woman who works in a company that writes tabloid magazine articles. She goes to a strange meeting where she's given an envelope with two phone numbers. If she calls the first number, she gets $2,000. If she calls the 2nd, she gets $100 million on the proviso that she's the last survivor resembling a tontine. To tines are legal in the US but illegal in the UK. She opts for the 2nd choice as she sees that the other contests in their 40s and 50s are older than her. The contestants think it's a prank, but sure enough, those who called the first number got the $2,000. The book starts with a foreword that says that just about all animals are injured by one of their own kind rather than from animals of other species. Humans too. The last novel I read with usch a premise was David Baldacci's The Winner. I like novels about lottery winners. 

If it were me, I'd opt for the first number. To get $100 million would cause me anxiety and force me to confront anxiety ridden choices such as do I travel to Europe now, or do I get a BMW_325i_4DR_Sedan? I'd rather be poor and not have to think about things like that all of which are anxiety inducing. 

I don't want a BMW. Modern BMW's look like any other modern car. To get an 80s BMW would be to get a 40 year old car and that's ridiculous. 80s BMW's are so John Hughes and John Woo. 

Tuesday, September 20, 2022

As you can see from the previous paragraphs, I am crazy. I wish to be 100% normal and perfect yet I am crazy. 

YouTube has lots of videos that make people doubt and be suspicious of one another. For eg videos from The School of Life: Reasons Why You're Better Off Alone, etc Other videos talk about people who are narcissistic. I never heard of NPD narcissistic personality disorder before YouTube. Narcissists will love bomb you and then gaslight you and always make you feel like less than you are. "If you're thinking of a person when you read this, there's a 95% chance they're a narcissist." as one YouTube commenter said. 

"Where did you read that?" 

"I don't know, but it was good." Inside Out, animated movie 

So often one reads or sees something good. Don't bother to try to find it again so you can read it a second time. It's lost, buried in the mists of obscurity. But wanting to read something a second time is a form of OCD. There are so many things a person can want to read again or see again a second time. Let it go because half an hour later you'd want to see yet another thing, a phrase, a video snippet, a second time. Every half hour one is thinking of something they want to see or read again. 

It's like the TV show Dream On, as long as you can remember it in your mind, it's good enough. Before the days of YouTube and even before the days of VHS tapes and VCRs people accepted remembering something they saw on television once without wanting to see it or hear it again. 

I don't believe in good karma. I only believe in bad karma. That's for myself. 

No good deed goes unpunished. If I do something good, nothing good happens in return for me. If I do something bad, something bad will happen

to me as whatever bad or wrong thing I do soon returns to bite me on the ass soon after. Maybe bad karma is more noticeable than good karma because to notice bad karma is part of the survival mechanism. 

For others if they do something good, something good happens to them and if they do something bad nothing bad happens to them and these are millionaires who are criminals. They did something good, now they're a millionaire. They do something bad and nothing bad ever happens to them. 

Such as the people who run Google and YouTube. YouTube is a classic yuppie scam, a get rich scheme. Start a website, get people to upload videos to your website, make money directly through putting ads on each video or make money indirectly through offering a monthly payment plan to skip seeing all ads, manipulate or falsely display view counts and subscriber counts and don't pay the uploaders any money or else less money than what they would make if the actual view count was displayed. Come up with reasons not to pay them such as if they use popular music on their video even though the popular music matches the vision on that video, without which the video would not be the same. 

Lots of people know this. There are computer technicians and even people who own stores that sell computers who would never upload a video to YouTube knowing that YouTube does this to people. They're the smart ones. The ones who upload to YouTube are the stupid ones. 

YouTube is a vector of American imperialism. On average, American YouTube uploaders get more view counts, subscriber counts and get more money than Canadian YouTube uploaders and by a noticeable margin. 

It's like how American NHL teams have won the Stanley Cup every year since 1993. No Canadian teams have won the Stanley Cup since then. American imperialism. Its one of their ways of self compensating for having such a dysfunctional country. 

All countries are dysfunctional. All cultures are dysfunctional. All families are dysfunctional. All relationships are dysfunctional. All people are dysfunctional including myself. 

My advice to anyone thinking of uploading to YouTube, think very carefully of what you're doing and fully know what you're getting yourself into. 

YouTube will rip you off of your work. 

Remeber doing nothing and getting nothing in return is better than doing something and getting nothing in return. It's too late for me. I'm sunk. I wish I could strangle the guy who in 1998 recommended that I get on the internet. "You'll meet people. You'll make money." I'd like to kill that guy, figuratively speaking. That guy was in his late 50s in 1998. How old would he be now? He's probably dead now. 

I want to give you the opposite advice. Don't get on the internet. You won't meet anyone and you won't make any money. 

The internet is like a Hyde Park the poets corner. You can broadcast any crazy belief you have onto the World. As has been said, putting something on the internet is like yelling down off of a high mountain. 

If I ever visit Hyde Park in London, would I make a speech? I don't know. I'd probably make a speech about the algorithm of time. 

Let's face it. My cartoons are lacking in production values, no turning heads of the animated characters, only one voice and with a paucity of dialogue while most good YouTube videos are walll to wall dialogue and my writings certainly aren't peer reviewed. It has to be much better if I expect to get any money from it. 

Every time I go to Canadian Tire to get some bedbug spray, I see Police cars there. Maybe the Police want to bust me. But the last time I was there was about a year ago and I haven't got busted. 

One time I went to a Chinese restaurant and got vegetarian noodles when I wanted noodles with meat. I thought the Police were in on that. I told my landlord about this and he jokingly said, "They're working with the Police." Then he said, "Sometimes unless specified on the menu, Chinese noodles come without any meat. That's normal."

Tuesday, September 20, 2022

Victoria City Hall:

I was sent a letter regarding voter registration for the upcoming civic election.

This letter had my current name as well as my old name which I hadn't used for decades. I detest that ghastly wretched name which is why I changed it.

You had to dig around to get that name. Such a protracted procedure just to send a letter informing me about voting in a frivolous election in a semi obscure officious backwater fishbowl existence of a town in which I'm neither legally nor morally required to vote anyways.

Don't put yourself out on my account. Don't do me any favours.

What my old name was. Why is that such an issue with you?

Don't count on my participation in the upcoming election. I neither care about any of the candidates nor do I care about any of the platform plank issues. 

Yours, Dean Noble

I sent another email to City Hall. 

Today, I went to Hillside Mall and got some bedbug spray at Canadian Tire. The brand I usually get was sold out. Small towns and their unreliable inventory. Things are often sold out. I went with another brand. Then I went to the food court and got some Thai fried rice with a glass of water. 

Then I went home. I slept and had an afternoon nap and a long vivid dream about Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. I slept for half an hour but the dream seemed to go on for at least two hours. Time has a different dynamic in the dream world, this time it was the time dilation dynamic. In the dream, I played chess with Prince Harry, I lost and got upset. Then we went to visit a psychic friend of Meghan Markle. This psychic told me that I would have a daughter one day. 

The dream although peaceful was wrong on so many points. For one thing, I'll most likely never meet Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. I'm scared of Meghan Markle anyways. Most everyone on the internet says that she is evil. The other thing is that I doubt I'd ever have a daughter for so many reasons, I am too old at age 52, I don't have the money for that, I would have parental burnout knowing my temperament and I don't know if I'm really a good protector. I am a good nurturer and a good teacher but to be a protector would be to protect her from anyone in society who might be harassing her in some way. To be a good protector I'd have to be intimidating like a Police Officer. I don't think I'm intimidating to anyone. To be a good protector, I'd have to be a professional MMA fighter and I'm certainly not that. Being on welfare, I doubt I'd ever get married and have a daughter. Yeah right, I don't know about you but every time I think of people on welfare, I'm thinking of people who are married and have daughters. 

Today I went to Walmart and then I went to the Bay Centre food court with Heather. She used her electric wheelchair today. 

Today I saw three lady friends, one at the cable company, one at Walmart and another at Dollarama. It is indeed a good day when I see all three of them. 

Thursday, September 22, 2022

Today I went to Vancouver! 

I did it all. I woke up at 4:40 am. I was struggling with whether to go or not. I went. 

I was at the bus stop at 5:30 am. Then I went on the #72 bus and got the 7 am ferry which arrived in Tsawwassen at 8:30. Bus to Vancouver. I arrived in downtown Vancouver just before 10 am. 

I did some parkour on Granville, and walked on Robson. The Vancouver Art Gallery has some kind of movie filming there and I saw about 5 Vancouver Police Officers there, one female and four male Police Officers. They probably saw me as I rode on my scooter past them but they didn't really notice me probably. 

I decided to ride the Seabus. I rode it to Lonsdale Quay. I had a deep fried chicken delicacy called cuchina. Alas the sushi place was closed. I rode the Seabus back.

I then went to Pacific Centre Mall food court and had fried noodles. Then after walking down Granville Street, I rode the #4 bus to Jericho Hostel. 

Visiting Jericho Hostel was on my bucket list and I did it today! I also visited the South End of 4th Avenue near the Jericho Hostel across the street from Aberthau Park. It was heavenly. 

Now I would watch the Jericho Hostel YouTube video from Jean Claude Van Couver differently as I now have actually visited Jericho Hostel. I have to work up the courage to stay overnight there one day. 

Then I went to UBC. I visited the AMS Nest and had sushi. It was a great place. 

Then I went to the UBC bookstore and got 4 shirts, one more than I planned to get. I got a yellow shirt. 

I was going to visit the Beaty Museum of Natural History, but part of the place was under renovation so I didn't go. I went to Trail 3 and walked all the way down to see the abandoned derelict gun tower. The gun tower was built for a Japanese invasion that never came. The Japanese bombed Atkinson Point and that caused worry enough to build the gun tower which is a lesson that often the things worried about never happen. 

More walking at UBC. Then I went home, I left at about 6:00 pm and rode the 9 pm ferry back to Victoria BC. 

Today was one of the greatest days I had in a long time. I love and miss UBC. Vancouver is a heavenly city. Victoria is heavenly too. James Bay and the Dallas Road Beach and Holland Point Park is heavenly. I am thinking of moving to Vancouver in a couple of years. That way I will always be close to UBC which is only about an hour's bus ride away. Vancouver has way more beautiful women than Victoria. I think that with my skills, I belong in Vancouver. I should be living there. But I could only afford to live in the downtown eastside which is an area I always avoid when visiting Vancouver. That area is kind of heavenly but the tent city on Hastings Street has made living in the downtown eastside a non starter which is a no brainer. 

I wonder what my future will turn out to be. I had a few small anxiety attacks today but they were all things that turned out to be fine. At UBC, I had a slight anxiety attack about the trip home, but I made it. I love UBC intensely and that place is heaven on Earth. 

Vancouver is the farthest I would be willing to travel. I don't think that I have what it takes to visit London England. I went to Thailand 3 times so traveling to Vancouver from Victoria is a cake walk compared to that. I hope that I have a good future. 

When I came home, I smoked a tobacco cigarette. I had a cigarette headrush. I am still addicted to tobacco which makes me a wretched sinner. I'd like to quit one day. 

I'll visit Vancouver again next year as the days are getting shorter and colder and not the best time to visit UBC. I already did what I planned to do. Ride the Seabus, visit Jericho Hostel and walk down Trail 3 all the way to the beach. The beaches here are a miniature version of the beaches at UBC, but the beaches at UBC have the UBC vibes and that means the world to me. 

UVIC is nice, it has University vibes, but UBC is on another level. 

I will upload a video about this in the next few days. 

I took a lot of pictures and video. This is the last time I'm taking a camera to Vancouver for the next few years. Taking pictures and video is too strenuous. I already took a picture of everything I wanted to take a picture of. 

Visiting Vancouver isn't as difficult and the trip didn't seem as long as it did last time. The more you go anywhere, the shorter the trips seem to be. 

Friday, September 23, 2022

I love Vancouver. I'm thinking of moving there. 

On Wednesday, I saw Andor, the new Star Wars show. Some people online were complaining about Kathleen Kennedy saying the show was all about feminism and strong women. I think the show had something for everyone. The men were really heroic. The scene where Stellan Skarsgard and Andor were escaping after setting those traps was great. Too bad they lost the star path box. Star Wars is not like the parents who give their on a skateboard, a lightsaber and a lego set and their give their daughter a my little pony doll, a play oh bake oven and nail polish. Star Wars is like the parents who in turn also give their daughter a skateboard, a lightsaber and a lego set and maybe a better one. Some parents dote on the daughter more. 

Stellan Skarsgard is 70 but that he could go on adventures at that age is inspiring. My friend in Saanich who is a lady said, "I have a friend who is 52 but talks like she is 90. Don't age yourself out. At my age (which is around 50,) I still hike, dance, go bike riding and go on vacations."

Andor is set on the planet Morlana One 5 BBY. 5 BBY is 5 years before the Battle of Yavin. Is the battle of Yavin such a momentous battle to base a year zero on? How many other battles have their been? What about the Battle of Geonosis on Clone wars and the Battle of Mimban in Han Solo A Stary Wars Story? 

Sure, the battle of Yavin was the one where the Death Star was destroyed but there were at least two other Death Stars besides the Yavin Death Star, the Endor Death Star and Starkiller base. Why not base it on the Endor Death Star battle. In the Endor Death Star battle, it was the one where Darth Vader and supposedly the Emperor died. It was a two in one. Two major deaths, one battle. You sure couldn't say that about the Yavin Death Star battle. 

Is a battle as momentous of an event as the birth of a Messiah who could heal the blind raise the dead, walk on water and also raise himself from the dead? 

5 BBY is 5 years before. What years? Based on what planet? Based on Earth? I really doubt it. Star Wars happened in another galaxy a long time ago. Ask any astronomer at University who uses the Hubble or JWST. There are galaxies that were born and died before this galaxy was born and died. The Universe is 14 billion years old. This galaxy is 4 billion years old. And now JWST found galaxies that existed before Catholic scientist's George Le Maitre's The Big Bang. Ylem galaxies. Ylem is what existed before the big bang. 

So if a Star Warsian year is not based on Earth, is it likewise based on another planet that has 365 day years based on 24 hour days based on hours composed of 3600 second hours? The Chinese used to have a 12 hour calendar, each of their hours was two of our hours and that is on the same planet. That another planet would have 365 day years based on 24 hour days based on 3600 second hours? The chance of another planet being exactly like that is the same as the chances of two people on Earth having the exact same fingerprints down to the exact points and compares of the fingerprints. I doubt it. 

Let's just go with what Star Wars wants to imply. 5 BBY is based on each year being 365 days each day 24 hours each hour 3600 seconds. 

And I'm not going to go into months. What are the chances another planet would have a moon that goes from new moon to full moon to new moon again every 28 days? In this solar system, there are more than 200 moons all together revolving and spinning around all the planets! The year is bullshit. 12 months a year when a lunar month is 28 days? There are 13 28 day cycles in a 365 day year. But Pope Gregory thought the number 13 is unlucky. 13 at dinner, Judas being the 13th guest, so the calendar was culturally sublimated to having a more numerologically savory 12 months. 

Don't think to much about this. I sure wouldn't. Just enjoy STAR WARS and if you see 5 BBY or 5 ABY just assume that the years are uncannily 365 day years with 24 hour days each hour being 3600 seconds. Just assume that.

Dark energy makes up 70% of the Universe. Dark matter is 26% of the Universe. The rest is 4%. But if the stars were subtracted, all the planets, moons and asteroids, meteors and comets make up 0.03% of the Universe.* That is simultaneously depressing and terrifying. 

*source: Big Think. Michio Kaku: The Universe In A Nutshell. 39:00 mark, YouTube

How do we live for eternity in heaven? If we live for 70 or so years on Earth and eternity is more than a googol times a googol years which is one followed by ten thousand zeros years in linear time. 

The dynamic of linear time is somewhat irrelevant to the dynamic of time travel is time experienced on an objective level since all things are happening simultaneously and the passage of linear time is an illusion. 

Linear time or subjective time is made up of the stuff of objective time, objective time is the building block of linear or subjective time just as sand is the building block of sand castles and shapes in clouds are building blocks not only of clouds but of the sky itself. Linear time is an illusion molded of objective time and so is time dilation and time travel and teleportation. Teleportation is a type of time travel and time travel is a type of teleportation. Right now there is teleportation of voice and image in the form of Skype calls. In heaven we don't live in an eternity of linear or subjective time. We live in an eternity of objective time. Time is an algorithm. The only thing objective time and subjective time have in common is the present moment. Whether it's the present second or the present unit of Planck time, I couldn't tell you. 

Subjective time is molded out of objective time through differing physics. The afterlife where objective time resides has the physics of not needing to sleep, telepathy, not needing to eat and not felling hot and cold but this wouldn't do it. What would do it is the ability to instantaneously teleport even to places formerly known as far away and you yourself never aging and having the ability to instantaneously appear as a 20 year old then a 40 year old then a 70 year old and then a 15 year old and that things around you, trees, buildings etc have the ability to look pristine and never age or wither. From these physics the objective model algorithm of time is apparent. 

My neighbour has had pain in  his liver for months. Yesterday on Thursday, September 22, he went to get a Hep C test. He said he actually hopes he has Hep C because there is a cure for it. The test came back negative. What else could be the cause of it? The liver is what absorbs nutrients and with toxins mixed in from the intestines. The liver separates the nutrients from the toxins and sends the toxins to the kidneys. The nutrients are either stored for awhile or else instantly go into the bloodstream. What toxins? My neighbour smokes tobacco and smokes marijuana but lots of people do that and don't have liver problems. Tobacco has toxins but marijuana doesn't have as much toxins. Alcohol is the real pernicious substance as it can cause cirrhosis of the liver. Well, I'm not a doctor. I don't know what it could be. I hope things turn out all right for him. 

I went for Vietnamese noodles today. Then in the afternoon, I went to Shoppers Drug Mart to get some butter chicken. I spent most of the day using VideoPad which is a video editing system. It's a bit of a learning curve but I'm getting the hang of it. Uploading videos to the tablet and using InShot takes up a lot of space on the tablet. VideoPad only let's you do one edit and upload for free. Then a pop-up prompt requires you to pay for the full version. Simply uninstall and reinstall again and supposedly, one day it won't ask you to pay anymore. Or else keep on uninstalling and installing again. 

I visited Heather in the evening to show her my videos of my trip to Vancouver. 

Saturday, September 24, 2022

I wake up with uncertainty. Not so much fear or anxiety as before but uncertainty. The future is uncertain. Life is crazy. 

I had an anxiety attack thinking about editing the video of my trip to Vancouver. But I did it and got it done and it wasn't so bad. It was pretty good. 

On the YouTube video, Harry Goes Nuclear Over This Regarding Meghan fron Neil Sean's Daily News Headlines, commenter John King wrote in the comments, "Watching the Royal's enter their cars after the funeral I thought something was wrong. Now I figured what it is. In car 1, Charles enters first  and places himself in the right hand passengers seat, Camilla follows. In car 2, Prince William places the children in the jumpseat then he enters sitting in the right hand passengers seat, Princess Catherine follows. In car 3, Me ME enters first and sits in right hand passengers seat. Has Been follows." A reply to this comment from SandyCPlanB, "Can you guess who is wearing the pants? " 

I guess that with this one, we can play the Sesame Street game of "One of these things just doesn't belong here. One of these things just isn't the same." King Charles and Prince William are in the monarchal succession, they are in the line of Kings, one of them being a King and one of them being a Crown Prince. Prince Harry is a Prince not in the direct line of succession. He isn't a Crown Prince, he's not even currently a working royal as he repudiated that months if not years ago, so who cares how he and his wife gets into cars? "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar." Sigmund Freud 

That saying means try not to read too much into things. A cigar isn't always a reference to a phallus, it's just an innocuous random object. 

Likewise sometimes a donut is just a donut and a taco is just a taco and not a symbolic reference to a vagina. 

Prince Harry is a gentleman who does on his wife and let her go in the car first. I doubt that it was something they had, like, choreographed and planned even five minutes before it happened. 

I don't know if Royal etiquette extends to entering and leaving cars. I do know that at Roayl dinners, no one eats until the Monarch eats. And when the Monarch finishes eating, all the guests have finish eating to as well. Men have to bow to a Monarch. A woman has to curtsey. 

Tom Bower an author wrote a book about a Prince Harry and Meghan Markle. Also journalist Valentine Low also wrote a book about PH and MM. Those are reportedly tell all books and that can change Prince Harry's status in the Royal Family. I don't want to read books that intend to ruin someone who I don't know's reputation. Before she was famous, Lady Gaga was in University and some people started a Facebook page called Stefani Germanotta Will Never Be Famous. That web page has since been taken down. Starting a website that defame a person's reputation is illegal and is called libel and the Police sometimes investigate. I won't read either Tom Bowers book nor Valentine Low's book. I peeked in the Tom Bower book. It said that Meghan Markle's mother Doria was a major pot smoker. Who cares? She and millions of others are. I don't have it in me anymore to read a book from cover to cover. Apps like Subway Surfer and Toon Math and YouTube videos have killed my attention span for reading books. Also I've spent time reading books that turned out to be trash and a waste of time. 

If you wouldn't want your reputation ruined, why would you either start or else even read a web page designed to ruin someone's reputation? People who write books or start web pages that ruins someone's reputation one day will die and have a life review, they will telepathically sense and empathize with all those they helped but also all those they hurt. If they hurt too many people, in that childlike vulnerable state of the afterlife, one will judge the self and they will not go to heaven, they might go to an unpleasant purgatory surrounded with people whose personality is just as pernicious or worse go to hell depending on how bad their life on Earth was. A person will go to an energy zone that matches the energy of their karma and they will be surrounded with people just like them. I am an artist with talent and I try to be a good person, a person who often helps others. When I die I expect to go to a place in the afterlife surrounded with talented and considerate people like that. I won't be surrounded with rich talentless posers or delinquent inconsiderate people. I won't be surrounded with panhandler parasites who always ask people for spare change yet will not do anything in return for it and who don't give back to society in any way. When they die, they will be in a zone in the afterlife which is full of other people just like them. Well, they owe life nothing and life owes them nothing. Some people think that society owes them a living. 

Others have skills and ability but regulations cut them down. Some people are talented Youtubers but because they live in the wrong country, in other words they don't live in the USA, or maybe just the YouTube's broken platform algorithm they don't make the money they should on YouTube. 

"Corruption?! Corruption is government interference in market efficiencies in the form of regulations. Milton Friedman said that and he won the g**damned Nobel Prize!" Tim Blake Nelson, Syriana

Today I took Heather to the hair salon. The salon said to come back tomorrow or another day. No appointments available. We then went to Subway. I spent the rest of the day at home. I wrote comments to Debbie Hellion and got replies. I wrote a comment to a YouTube video about Pacific Centre Mall and got replies. 

I miss Vancouver. I'm thinking of moving back there. 

Dear Vancouver: Please know that I love you so much.

Sunday, September 25, 2022

I didn't go to Church at all today. After the expansive freedom of the trip to Vancouver, going to Church seems very confining. I go to Church to get an intense Sunday vibe, but through experience, if I go every week, I don't get that vibe anymore. It only works if I go every 3 weeks or less. 

I went to the James Bay Inn and had the seafood pasta. It was pricey at $23 but you only live once. 

Then I went to the beach. The beach here isn't the same as Wreck Beach in Vancouver. Wreck Beach has such a magical vibe. But maybe I don't know this beach well enough. You only get the magical vibes of places only if you know it well. 

Then I visited Heather. I thought I would have had to wheel her to the hair salon every single month from now on. The visit to Heather was magical. I rang the buzzer but she was already out there and she returned just as I was ringing the bell. The timing was magic. Then she went to the hair salon in the electric wheelchair for the first time so I don't have to be pushing her in her wheelchair to the hair salon anymore. I thought I would have to be doing that for the next few years. 

This morning, I clicked on to a YouTube video suggesting where Pastor Joel Osteen said, "That challenge you are going through isn't going to last forever. God will turn your weeping into joy. God will turn mountains into molehills. God will help you find a way where you don't see a way."

Then me and Heather went to Tim Horton's. 

I saw the movie Brooklyn. I love that movie. The movie was set in the 1950s. It's about a young lady who leaves Ireland, goes to America, goes back to Ireland for a sad reason, and then decides to return  to America. The movie is about homesickness. It's a condition that although awful at the time, it passes as soon as you find something you really like in your new land and realize that the new land is where your home is. The movie Brooklyn reminds me of the golden era screensaver on Windows 98. I often wish I lived in the 50s. Anemoia is nostalgia for a time you never lived in. The 50s seemed like a simpler time. There was no internet. There was only radio, black and white TV with only 3 channels on the television and television was only on from 7 am to 11 pm at which time the National Anthem was played at 7 am when it starts up and at 11 pm when it shuts down for the evening. And library books and newspapers and magazines was the only entertainment for most people. The streets were a lot less crowded then. Hardcore drug use wasn't so widespread and obvious as it is today, but drunkenness was. 

The 50s were a lot more racist, but even then, lots of people who weren't White lived happy and successful lives. Maybe even better lives as places were more affordable and rents and prices of houses weren't unreasonably driven up with speculators and money laundering. I'd give anything to go in a time machine and live in the 50s. 

The golden era screensaver, Windows 98.

I miss Vancouver but perhaps Victoria is my home. The ladies in Vancouver are very beautiful and there are more chances to meet a lady in Vancouver than in Victoria. I still think of moving back to Vancouver. The future is so uncertain. It seems that I have more of a future in Vancouver than I do here. I might move back to Vancouver one day. It's much more difficult to find a girlfriend in Victoria than it is in Vancouver. I'll most likely move back there in a couple of years.

Granville Street and Pacific Centre mall is a rockshow compared to the downtown and the main mall of this town. 4th Avenue, Kitsilano, Jericho Beach and UBC is heavenly. 

I might move back to Vancouver and miss Victoria more than I'll realize. Life is like that. James Bay, Holland Point Park, Dallas Road Beach, Ogden Point and Beacon Hill Park is nice. 

Monday, September 26, 2022

Today I visited Heather. Then I went to Fairway and I was going to get some beef tripe to go with my rice, but certain things aren't available every day. I went with a sushi platter which was about 30 pieces of sushi for $19. That's like 80s prices. it's a great deal. 

Then I went home and I completed my cartoon called Anxiety. Debbie Hellion commented on my video. She said it was a good video. Very few if any comment directly on the quality of my talent. My dream comment would be, "This is a great video. You're very talented at drawing. Not everyone could do that." Nobody comments like that on my videos. I am also doing as a project, an into animation for Debbie Hellion. I'll do one and if she likes it, great. If not, she could add suggestions and I'll do another. It would only be a 20 - 30 second animation. 

I plan to stay in Vancouver for a week one of these days. Lots of rooming houses in the downtowns eastside rent for a week. There's the downtown eastside and there's the downtown eastside. As long as one doesn't rent a room at ground zero which is east Hastings street. But even then the people on east Hastings street don't attack or harass the vast majority of people. They only attack those who cause trouble or film them without permission but lots of YouTubers have filmed them and lived to edit and upload the video to YouTube. The stabbings there have a backstory. Most people who get stabbed there have sold fake drugs. Doing something like that can get a person stabbed in any town. If I stay in Vancouver for a week, I'll probably look to see if I could meet Debbie Hellion. That would be interesting. I only worry about what kind of mood she will be in. If she's in a friendly mood, great. If not, it would be a train wreck!

Time in this dimension is solid. Time in the other dimension is more like air, but air is still too dense. Time in the other dimension is holographic. 

I'm scared of Grammarly's plagiarism feature. I could type some insight that I have that I know I didn't read anywhere else and Grammarly might say, "That statement was already written elsewhere." I wrote a lot of things about the objective vs the subjective dynamic of time, etc. and about the different physics of the holographic dream and afterlife dimension. I was never planning to install Grammarly anyways. But Google might incorporate that feature. The future is scary. I often think it would be better to just give up on life, but I must keep living. The future is also known for having a lot of good mind blowing surprises. Ten years ago, I never thought that I'd be able to do the things on the scooter I can do now. Ten years ago, I never thought I'd have lightsabers or a tablet or a 55" big screen TV. Ten years ago, I never thought that I would see members of the Royal family in real life. I saw Prince Andrew, Princess Sophie and Princess Kate. That was major! 

About Prince Andrew, Lady C says some wise things and she doesn't think that Prince Andrew is at fault. He didn't do anything that a typical male of that era would do. Moral relativism is when we judge things in the distant past to the standards of today. That people in history should have acted the way we act today. 

Presentism is when the people of history are judged according to the standards of the present.*

A lot of former British colonies such as the Barbados are going independent. They won't be independent for long. They will  either be American or Russian. Prince Charles should have said to them, "If you're not going to be British, what are you going to be, Russian?" 

The British Empire doesn't have the prestige that it did pre-1950. Most countries are either a British, or American or Russian protectorate. China is a Russian protectorate. Maybe the Americans convinced the Barbados to go independent. Meghan Markle is perhaps an American mole sent to undermine and sabotage and to destabilize the British Royal Family and British prestige in general. 

To destabilize the BRF? Like they didn't already destabilize themselves? It's public knowledge that on the night he was going to marry Princess Diana, Prince Charles slept with Camilla Parker Bowles. No wonder there were so many strange facial expressions at the Charles and Diana Royal wedding. 

There weren't any ladies in England that Prince Harry had to choose an American and a divorced one at that? Why did I have that dream where Meghan Markle and Prince Harry was in the dream? It was a long vivid dream too. Meghan Markle is the last person I want to see in my dreams. She invaded my dreams. Did God send her? Bill Maher said in Religulous, 

"Why should a person in a wheelchair do these things to appreciate a God who took away their legs in the first place?" Or words to that effect. 

The Prince Andrew fiasco is the Americans attack on the British Royal Family. Fake News, the woke left, Meghan Markle probably works for the CIA. She's a spy on the BRF. I have no proof of this and she might not be. Meghan Markle probably doesn't work for the NSA, that's another level up from the CIA. This is the Americans working in increments. I'm not saying that this is good or bad, this is just the way it objectively presents itself.  

The Americans have a lot of good people, like Pastor Joel Osteen, Pastor Joyce Meyer, Douglas Block, etc. 

* source: Video: The Woke Left Has Officially LOST Bill Maher from Liberal Hivemind, YouTube

Well, at this rate, there probably won't be much left of British prestige as British Commonwealth countries will either be an American or Russian protectorate. 

Tuesday, September 27, 2022

Today, woke up in intellectual fear. The physical fear period is somehow over. Thank God or whoever prayed for me for that. My amygdala and hypothalamus are no longer tweaked. It's just the nagging intellectual worry of how I'm going to handle the future for the next 20 years and then beyond that when it's most likely guaranteed to get worse. Life after 70 would be a train wreck. Maybe not for everybody. Trump became President at 70. And Prince Charles is the King of England at age 74. 

In the book, Pieces of My Mind, Andy Rooney said that so far, the Reagan era when the book was written, there have been 16 Republican Presidents, and 14 Democratic Presidents. I was born in 1970. I've seen 9 American Presidents in my lifetime. 5 were Republican, Nixon, Reagan, George Bush, George W Bush, and Trump. And 4 were Democrats, Carter, Clinton, Obama and Biden. 

I haven't counted how may Conservative vs Liberal PMs there have been in Canada since I was born. Does Joe Clark and Kim Campbell even count? American Presidents are virtually guaranteed 4 to  8 years in office unless a monumental fuck up occurs and that President is impeached, kind of like Nixon, but he resigned before he could be impeached. Canadian PMs can last as long as ten years or they can be ousted out in as little as one year like Joe Clark and Kim Campbell. PM Paul Martin lasted for about 2 years. 

Since 1970, Canada has had as PM, 6 Liberals, Lester Pearson, Pierre Trudeau, Joe Clark, Jean Chretien, Paul Martin and Justin Trudeau and 3 Conservatives, Brian Mulroney, Kim Campbell and Stephen Harper. 

America 5 +4 = 9

Canada  6 + 3 = 9

Wednesday, September 28, 2022

Today I went to the Breakfast Club which is a soup line at the Catholic Church. I then visited Heather. 

After that, I went to Fairway market to get some food. Heather gave me some chicken breasts. I went to Fairway to get Polish mayonnaise to go with the chicken breasts to make a chicken sandwich. 

This Polish mayonnaise is made in Canada. Polish recipe. All of the barbequed meats in Chinatown is made in Canada. Just because it is made in Canada it doesn't mean that the original recipe isn't there.

The Chinese food is better in Canada than at a lot of Chinese restaurants in Asia, according to Lonely Planet. 

Today, I was walking down Fort St and Langley St. I was walking downhill Westbound, Esquimalt West-quimalt. Then I heard a yelp, it was a female cyclist. She was old and wearing a green sweater. When I saw her, she was shaking her head. Sure, I walked on the bike path, but as a cyclist who is going faster, she should slow down when she sees a pedestrian. Instead she blames it on me. People are often like that. They will blame the other when they are in the wrong. People work in patterns. She will be doing something like that to another pedestrian before the year is over. She probably does that all the time. What I saw was a slice of her personality. When people do or say something to you, it says more about them than it says about you. It upset me a bit. That intersection is weird. Last year a lady kept driving when I was about to cross the street. She just looked at me and shrugged. That's why I don't get a car. There are too many weird drivers. Road rage happens every day and car accidents happen a few times a week. 

The City has made and designated certain bike paths. The psychopaths on these cycle paths often yell at pedestrians instead of practicing defensive driving. Some cyclists think they are entitled and always have the right of way above pedestrians. I would love to see a fight between a cyclist and a pedestrian on YouTube, one where the cyclist is clearly in the wrong and then the pedestrian beats up the cyclist. 

In the history of this town, one time, there was a construction pit made in the road near Chinatown. A cyclist was too stupid to see that and cycled into the pit and then died. That's an extreme case scenario. Always practice defensive driving and always give pedestrians a wide berth. Pedestrians travel slower than a cyclist and pedestrians have the right of way. 

That old female cyclist wearing the green sweater was sexy though. I had quick thoughts of pouring warm oil on her back while she is lying down naked on a table and giving her a good rub down. Don't ever lose that imagination. 

I visited Heather again this afternoon. We went to Centennial Square.

I watched the movie ParaNorman on DVD borrowed from the Library.  It's an animated film about a boy who can see ghosts. He is supposed to stop the curse of a witch on the town. That plot is similar to The Woman In Black starring Daniel Radcliffe which I bought on DVD for sale for $1. It's a good Halloween movie. 

Thursday, September 29, 2022

No more physical fear from the amygdala and hypothalamus. My anxiety is virtually gone. However I have a gentle quiet worry about the future. I see no good future for myself. Either I'm stuck in this rooming house for life or in the next two years or so, I'm moving back to the downtown eastside of Vancouver. Either future seems dismal. When you reach a certain age, there is no good future. But I doubt that Donald Trump when he was 52 could have predicted that he'd be the President of the United States at 70. The future can be full of mindblowing surprises. 

I don't know if being President is a good or a bad future. President is a very overwhelming and stressful job. The President has to meet the heads of industry and the military too. The President has to travel overseas often and meet foreign heads of State. The President could be starstruck or overwhelmed. I would be if I were in that position. Too stressful. Plus the President has a lot of snarky comments on social media. I'm talking hundreds if not thousands of snarky comments every day. That would cause PTSD in some people. Any head of State has to deal with that. Even foreign heads of State who no one in their country would dare criticize them, on YouTube where anonymous trolls are, these foreign heads of State get lots of snarky comments. I've read them. 

Again, the future is full of mindblowing surprises. Don't try to predict the future. 

When I was 20, I suppose I worried about the next ten years. When I was 30 as well. Heck every decade, I worry about the next ten years but things turn out fine for the most part. 

There is a movie called Every Thing Will Be Fine. That's a good message for gong through life. But things don't turn out fine for everybody. Their stories wind up on the 6 o clock News. 

Oh no. Rapper Coolio or Artis Leon Ivey Jr died on September 28 at age 59. YouTube ads had the Coolio song Fantastic Voyage. I downloaded that song onto my iPod last Saturday. RIP

Coolio's most major song is Gangsta's Paradise.

Coolio died of cardiac arrest. I hope that wasn't due to cocaine use as cocaine use can cause heart murmurs, pain of the pericardium and heart attacks. The heart has no nerve endings, but there is a thin leathery sheath around the heart called the pericardium and that is chock full of nerve endings. 

Rappers are typically no strangers to cocaine. He died at age 59. That makes me worry if I'll make it to 60. 

One is more likely to die in their 50s than one is in their 40s. One is more likely to die in their 60s than one is in their 50s, and on and on it goes. 

That worry comes with every decade. Even in one's 20s, one can worry if they'll be a member of the 27 club, as delusional as that worry is. 

Friday, September 30, 2022

I went to the James Bay Inn restaurant today. I had tiramisu and coffee. I knew that caffeine would give me anxiety and it did. I went to Ogden Point. On the way back, two white dogs on two separate occasions ran after and snapped at me. On each occasion, I said, "Oh baby baby! So cute!" White is a Royal color. It was strange yet inspiring. 

I returned home with anxiety. My life is a mess. I smoke tobacco and I probably will be stuck in this rooming house hotel, heck room, for life. 

I am imperfect. I have mental problems and issues. Also, I am terrified of the future. 

Proverbs 15:15 All the days of the despondent and afflicted are made evil [by anxious thoughts and forebodings], but he who has a glad heart has a continual feast [regardless of circumstances].

I learned this verse from Joyce Meyer. It means that the depressed person has depressing thoughts. Try to have optimistic thoughts. George Anderson said, "The suicidal person may look normal on the outside, but inwardly, there is something wrong with their day to day telepathy." 

God is greater than all the religions put together. It is tempting for humans to try to fit the Universe into a small box that a human mind with 110 IQ can understand when a book that explains the Earth let alone the Universe would comprise the size of several telephone books. Even a person with a Masters Degree in Calculus cannot fully understand the Universe so what hope is there for the rest of us? 

Last night I was watching the 1995 movie Heat on DVD. It is a 3 hour movie. Lots of the movie is violent, anxiety inducing and it is quite dark. I drifted off to sleep at least twice. After the second time of drifting off to sleep, I turned off the DVD. Never push past exhaustion. Otherwise that leads to burnout. I don't know if I want to finish watching the movie. I'm about 2 hours into it. There might be a twist ending. The movie was shown a lot on Showcase channel. 

I once read online, "Let go of dreams that are too stressful."

I don't feel like watching the end of the movie Heat. The movie is based on a true story. There's no twist ending. I read online that the movie ends with the antagonist being the Robert Deniro character Neil McAuley shot by Police. Apparently there is a planned sequel to this movie. Based on what if the villain got shot. 

The Jericho hostel runs from May 15 to September 30 every year. The Hotel Overlook in the Stephen King novel The Shining runs from May 15 to September 30 every year. 

In the novel Jack Torrance drives up to the Hotel Overlook on September 30. In the movie it was October 30.