August 2022

Monday, August 1, 2022

Fear again. 

Last night I got obsessed with a chicken sandwich. There was a Church picnic yesterday. I took a chicken sandwich home with me. There were other chicken sandwiches and then after there was only one chicken sandwich left. I wondered about getting the other one. I didn't want to be greedy so I left it. I have food anxiety and too much food becomes food homework. When I got home and ate the sandwich hours later, it was really good and I regretted not taking that last one. Now I'm thinking of making my own chicken sandwich just like the one I had. Weird thoughts.

I promised Heather I'd visit her today. She wants to go to the Legislative Buildings which is a hassle because of the distance and there's a lot of people there. I'd have to be pushing her in a wheelchair. With her the work never stops. She has an electric wheelchair but she is clumsy and might run into people. My life is on a dial set to 'shit'.

And there is one problem I'll never escape. I'm in my 50s and old now. I'm just old. Old age is the shit times as if the rest of my life weren't shit times. I often wish that I had died years ago and gotten it over with. Not through suicide but I wish I died of a heart attack or a stroke. It would have been a really really weird day, but I would have long since gotten it over with.

In times like this which is all the time, I rely on street therapy. Often when I walk around I'll see a t shirt or an advertisement on a bus that helps. For example, I've seen t-shirts that said, Good vibes only, another one that said Strong Strong Strong Strong Strong, and another one that said, Your future is bright. 

On a Vancouver Granville Street video, an advertisement said, "She doesn't respond to your texts, But she reads all of them, Let's talk about drugs". A passing bus had an advertisement which read, "Find your happy place". A sign on Robson Street reads, "It's going to be OK". 

Street therapy. 

Life just gets worse. First of all, there are escalating monkey pox cases. We're all going to die. 

Then in the United States a man named Carlos Hunter Senior along with his son Carlos Hunter Jr when trying to help someone stranded on the road got hit by a car. He lost his legs and his son Carlos was killed. But Carlos says, "Just roll with the punches." Since the News covered it, he might get a lot of money but what good is a lot of money when one's son is dead and when one lost their legs? Carlos Hunter Snr still has two daughters to care for. How?! He lost his legs! 

And then Debbie Hellion got into a fight with a large women. Debbie was winning so naturally the large woan called a man over and Debbie had to fight the two of them. In the process, Debbie got robbed of her phone and her debit and credit card.

Today I visited Heather for BC Day. We went to McDonald's and then to the Johnson Street Bridge. Helping Heather for the indefinite future has kind of taken the magic of life for me. I dread the future. I don't know why I go on living. 

When a person gets old, there is a lightness and a sense of relief. In one's 50s, there is still an uncertainty, death could be in less than 10 years or it could be another 30 years or more. 

When a person is in their 70s or 80s one can reasonably be sure that it's not much longer and then it will be all over. Most if not all people have felt suicidal at one time or another or has hated life even if they never consciously acknowledged it or verbalized it. I don't know if anyone would give life 10 stars out of 10. I sure wouldn't. On judgement day, not only does life give us a final judgement, on that day, we also give life itself a judgement if only to ourselves. I don't know how long I am going to live. It could be for decades and seeing life and the world always get worse. I made a lot of mistakes in my life years ago. I wish I had the opportunity to pay for those mistakes with my life even if they were minor mistakes in the grand scheme of things. I wish I died years ago. Life stopped being good for me years ago. Who knows. I could be dead soon. Nobody knows when they are going to die. 

Some friends that I met, I would rather have no friends at all than to have that person as a friend. 

Tuesday, August 2, 2022

I woke up in noticeable fear again. I felt that my life is messed up and that I am messed up. Tuesday is the day I usually see Suzie. I avoided seeing her again because I fear that seeing her again would give me a panic attack like last time. I'd see her and only get two minutes to talk to her and she'd often say, "See you next week." where I'd only get two minutes to talk to her. Time and time again. Then I felt somewhat guilty for not visiting her like I was letting down a friend. Oh my goodness, my life is so messed up. 

Then just about as soon as I woke up, I smoked some tobacco again. Smoking tobacco first thing in the morning often gives a dizzying headrush. As I was smoking, I felt that I'm so messed up and the fear was there again. 

I think that I'm destined to feel fear everyday for the rest of my life yet I must go on living. I would not do anything rash to myself so I must go on living despite the fear. I hope that God helps me but I don't always feel His presence. I just feel my own fear ridden presence. 

At other points in one's life, such as fear of going to high school when one is graduating grade 7 or when one is 29 and fearing the upcoming 30s, there is a reasonable expectation that one will live past that point and reflect that it wasn't as bad as expected. But when one is entering old age, that's it. That's the final stage. There is no period of reflection that one expects to live to and then reflect. That's what makes old age so scary. At age 52 I feel that once one is over 50, that's it. I'm old, over the hill, I'm past it. Which makes me wonder how freaked out I'll be when or if I turn 60. 50 is the start of old age. Yet I felt that at 40 too. I'm 40, I'm old. Yet my 40s were a blast and I functioned better in my 40s than I did at any other time in my life. In my 40s I became a Jedi Knight, Tron future warrior and a gymnastics man especially with my scooter and I self taught myself so many things I never expected to. I was better with my scooter in my 40s than at any other time previous. 

The 50s might not be so bad. Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were in their 50s during the last decade and they did some of their most intense action adventure movies. One can still be an adventure man in their 50s, maybe even into their 60s and 70s. 

Today I went to Thrifty on Helmcken Road near Vic General Hospital. I got two boxes of Restful Sleep tea. Then I went to Ocean Garden restaurant for beef and tomato rice.

"This magnificent feast here represents the last of the petty cash." Ghostbusters

I'm on a budget due to not being rich. 

And I had a headache for the last two days, a constant slight grinding migraine headache on the right side. I wondered if I had a brain tumor. But after eating fresh food, namely the beef and tomato rice, I felt a lot better. Often headaches come when one is still digesting the stałe or not quite fresh food one has been eating. Eating fresh food can cure a headache. Also maybe my tobacco smoking caused my headache. 

As for my waking up in fear every day, I think I'll be fucked for life. I'm done for. I don't think I'll ever lose my fear for life. I got some weird mental illness that I think is going to be with me for life. It would be a miracle, the miracle of the decade if I ever lose my fear and get my confidence and zest for life again. That would be the miracle of the decade whereas my wedding would be the miracle of the century. Me traveling to Europe would also be the miracle of the century. I would never be a father because I think that I would suck and fail at it. 

'Every child deserves a parent but not every parent deserves a child.'

I would never be a father because of my opprobrium towards the world and for life. The world is getting worse all the time. And if life was a restaurant or a hotel to be reviewed on the internet, I would give life itself 2 stars out of 5 and not any more. Life is a defective process. Challenges make you stronger and smarter but there seems to be no end to the challenges. Too much challenges and always more than a fair share of challenges. I don't like life but I fear what happens in the afterlife. The afterlife, I'm guessing is a delinquent defective weird batshit crazy existence on another strange nebulous dimension with its own crazy set of physics. I fear life and I fear death and the afterlife too. There's no winning. Existence is a trap. To exist is a trap. I wish my mother had never given me birth and I wish my father had not impregnated her at that time. It should have been a month or else a menstrual cycle earlier or later then a different egg or ovum would have been impregnated and none of this would be my problem. 

I often see an ad for a Botox clinic that is in my town. The ad says they practice informed consent for their patience. What kind of informed consent? Botox is the most toxic poisonous substance in the world. Inland Taipan snake venom takes a 2 milligrams to kill. Polonium-210 takes 620 nanograms to kill but Botox or botulinin toxin only takes 62 nanograms to kill*. Not milligrams nanograms. Why would someone put that into their body? Some people have deep wrinkles or furrows on their face or forehead. Botox treatments are expensive, a few hundred dollars or over a thousand dollars and a few people have in fact died from Botox treatments. I wonder why. 

There are 1,00 micrograms in a milligram. There are 1,000 nanograms in a microgram.

A nanogram is one-billionth of a gram. 

Don't quote me on the amounts. This is a general idea. For the specific doses look it up. 

*source: RealLifeLore. What Is The Deadliest Substance In The World? 

From YouTube. 

These amounts are based on a person weighing 62 kilograms. For a lighter person it would take less. For a heavier person it would take more. 

But I'm sure that clinic has had every one of their clients survive so the practitioners at the clinic knows what they're doing. 

I have furrows on the right side of my forehead but they're happy furrows. People who are happy have lines and wrinkles on their face, laugh lines that accentuate their happy facial expression and I'm a man so men aren't as vain or feel the need to look so young. It's more often women who feel the need to look younger and especially if they have unhappy wrinkles or furrows. A person ought to accept whatever looks that God has given them and not resort to getting injections of Botox but it's really up to a person to decide what they want to do. A few Hollywood celebrities have gotten these treatments. 

The same YouTube video said that 25 shots of vodka is the lethal dosage. On the day that Led Zeppelin drummer John Bonham died, he drank 40 shots of vodka. This is from the video: Final 24, John Bonham. 

I am able to fix the YouTube videos on my Sony BDPS 6700 Blu Ray player freezing on a black screen that just says loading... on it. Go into settings directly on the video next to like and dislike and decrease the resolution from 720p to 480p. Otherwise I'd have to get a regular Sony Blu Ray player but it might do the same thing. Or get an LG regular and not 4k Blu Ray player but at least half the reviews say that this machine is junk and not recommended. Don't listen to reviews. Every machine has a few bad reviews yet every machine I bought works good. It's like restaurants. Just about all restaurants have bad reviews yet I have had good experiences at every restaurant I ever visited. 

No no no. The whole thing is fucked. "Cannot open because the application is too large. The application will be terminated." Time and time again. I'll need to go to Shaw to get a new modem. See if that does anything. Or else I'll get a Google Chromecast. A new regular blu ray player is about $120. A new 4K blu ray player is about $200. I don't want to get the same model as I have now. I have two units of this same model. The other one is hardly used or even plugged in and still has the same issues. Other than that I'll just have to hook my PC to the TV. That's the old fashioned and free way to do it and saves money but a Google Chromecast is only about $40. I don't need a 4K chromecast for $70. There isn't that much difference in picture quality. 

I did get it to work through reset to factory settings not the initialize personal settings. It works again. But for how long as this has happened before and it still eventually fucked up. 

Another sleepless night. What were the chances of that? I'll replace the modem first. Replacement modems are usually free at Shaw cable. If I replace the modem and it still doesn't work I'll have to get a new Blu Ray player with media like YouTube and Tubi. I'd go for LG or Philips or Panasonic. Not Sony. I've had two Sony machines fuck up. Yet the modem works fine for my tablets and PC computer. 

I won't go for replacing the Blu Ray player first. If it doesn't work I'd have to replace the modem then anyways and be out a few bucks. I'd return the Blu Ray player but that's a hassle. Last week I already returned a telephone cable and a Roku 4k express at London Drugs. I'd hate to ask them to refund me yet another thing. Unless they don't care or unless I get it at Walmart which is also pretty good at refunding for items. 

The other option is to simply use the PC for YouTube hooked up to the TV which would be the simplest and cheapest and most hassle free option. Especially if I get a new modem and a new Blu Ray player and it still fucks up. But what are the chances of that? But my PC fan heats up. It isn't a problem in normal weather but during the hot summer weather. I could just aim a fan at the PC. My old 2008 PC hooked up to my 4k tv doesn't have the best resolution but who cares? Perhaps life itself will offer another solution eventually. 

I'm so confused. Since my modem works really really good on my PC and tabs I don't want to replace it. New modems from Shaw are a hassle to set up. One must contact the Shaw set up personnel on a PC or tablet. This takes time and effort and finding the right website to do it. 

The LG BP 175 is the best rated of cheap Blu Ray players with media such as YouTube. The last time I bought a new bluray player was in 2020 with money from the government pandemic relief fund available to a lot of people. It's been two years. Ideally one should get a new Blu Ray player if two years have passed and issues occur. The Sony community webpage is full of complaints similar to mine about YouTube on all different models of Sony Blu Ray players. Search:If youtube won't work on my blu Ray player should I get a new modem or a new Blu Ray player? Which provides a link to Sony Community: Why won't YouTube open on my Sony Blu Ray player? 

A YouTube video about how to set up a Sony Blu Ray player said to specifically plug the Blu Ray player into HDMI 2 port of the television. Not HDMI 1 or HDMI 3 etc. 

Joyce Meyer is very inspirational. She has more youthful vigor and confidence at age 77 than I do at age 52. It's not because she's rich because she had a lot of difficult times in the past. This confidence is from who she is within and also she has the righteousness of God through Christ. She has lots of faith in God. United States money says, In God We Trust. That sentiment should not be underestimated. It is a very strong and very true saying. Trust in God can only make a person better and can only help a person to live a good and better life. 

9 pm. August 3rd. Noctilucent clouds over Victoria BC. Noctilucent clouds are worrying scientists. Why? A YouTube video says they are a result of climate change or else the burning of too many fossil fuels caused from rocket launches such as those from Vandenburg AFB. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2022

Sky News Australia says that the Earth is spinning faster than expected. So much so that a new negative leap second which means 1 second less every four years would have to be introduced. This could effect computers causing a new type of Y2K. This would effect 32 bit computers but this problem should be resolved with new technology in 2038. 

The causes may be the rapid melting of ice caps. Or the magnetic pull of the sun or other space objects. I'm thinking that it could be the usual suspects which are dark energy and dark matter. 

The Earth is spinning faster? No wonder I feel so fucked up all the time. 

I woke up this morning and with no fear. That's good. 

Reading Quora, someone said that age is just a number. Old is relative. At 7, a person thinks that 20 is old. But at 30, 20 seems young. At 40, 50 seems old but at 60, 50 would seem young. Every person at the time thinks they're old but years later, looking back the see that they were young at that time. As long as one is healthy. Health problems and not just health anxiety which is thinking that you have something serious when you don't can exacerbate fear in old age. 

"Maybe somebody thinks," I want to get married and I just don't think I'm going to be happy if I don't." And then some people who are married think,"How can I be happy?"" Joyce Meyer

I Will Not Fear Part 2. Aug 2, 2022. YouTube

"He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have." Socrates

"You are a little soul carrying around a corpse." Epictetus

"Beauty is indeed a good gift from God. But that the good may not think it a great good, God dispenses it even to the wicked." St Augustine

Twilight Zone radio show, There Goes The Neighborhood. YouTube

I won't get Roku. Roku asks that you set up an account including debit or credit card number. Never enter these details on a computer. Ever. 

I won't get Google Chromecast. You need a smartphone or tablet which is compatible with the Google Chromecast app and not all are. The smartphone acts as the only remote control as Google chromecast does not come with a remote control. The app takes up space on the smartphone or tablet. 

Blu ray players with built in media streaming can get YouTube without registering or signing in. All you need is an internet connection and one can join YouTube as guest without a YouTube or Google account. Sign in has a features that saves watched videos to history in case you want to see again any video you watched. 

I wouldn't get a Sony blu ray player again. Hopefully another brand won't have problems. My Sony blu ray player worked 100% perfectly and played all YouTube videos until a month ago. Then certain YouTube videos won't play. Just a black screen which has the word 'loading...' appears in the middle of the screen instead. The last time Sony issued an update was in 2019. However the best way is to either use a tablet and mirror cast YouTube or even better, hook a PC up to a television to watch YouTube on a big screen TV. 

Thursday, August 4, 2022

American Ultra is a great movie. A stoner MK Ultra CIA sleeper agent is activated and takes down a whole ton of armed agents. There should be a sequel to this. Will there be? 

I'm going for an LG blu ray player for $75. My Sony blu ray player is fucked when it comes to YouTube. These machines should be replaced every two years anyways. These machines must have a planned obsolesence chip that makes it pretty much fried after 2 years max. 

I also need to repurchase a telephone wire as a computer expert told me a wired connection is 3 times faster than a wireless connection. 

Perhaps I should go for a $200 blu ray player from Panasonic but through experience, these things also go at about the 1 or 2 year mark. 

The LG BP 350 doesn't have an outlet for telephone wire. Fail. 

Tubi is only available on Sony blu ray players. 

I won't go for a new blu ray player just yet. I'll just go with the telephone wire. LG 350 blu ray = No telephone wire hook up, no Tubi. All other brands panasonic philips etc no Tubi. 

For the cheapest option just hook my computer up to the television like in the old days. But my computer fan can get noisy and it's not that great so the computer can heat up. 

I'll stick with what I have as a good portion of YouTube videos do play flawlessly on my Sony BDP S6700. I don't feel like making a $100 commitment on something I'm not sure about and might have to return. Returning things is a hassle. I have to put the thing back in the box exactly and find every rubber band or twist tie that came with it etc. 

I do have a working blu ray player that plays blu rays and not just DVDs as over time, blu ray players will refuse to play blu rays then over more time also refuse to play DVDs. That would be the time to get a new blu ray player when they refuse to play blu rays. The YouTube as well as Tubi can be obtained on a PC or a tablet. 

Problems in life and the solutions to them force a person to go down a rabbit hole of information and to master a learning curve they otherwise wouldn't. My depression and anxiety forced me through one rabbit hole and learning curve of information. So did the YouTube not really quite working on my Sony BDP S6700. 

My depression and anxiety forced me to learn about the sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous system, the vagus nerve, cortisol, the HPA axis, acetylcholine, prebiotic and probiotics, the frontal orbital cortex, the anterior cingulate gyrus and the caudate nucleus etc. 

My YouTube fucking up on my Sony blu ray player caused me to learn about telephone wire hook ups from modem to blu ray player that it's a 3x faster signal, the different models of blu ray players of which only Sony has Tubi, that Roku requires a credit and debit card number and registration for a Roku account which is absolutely extraneous and irrelevant if you decide not to get Roku at all and that Google Chromecast requires a tablet or smartphone that needs to download a certain app that takes up memory space and possibly in some cases a data usage fee for those on a cellphone data usage plan. Just get a blu ray player. If you don't care about Tubi, get any model, they all play YouTube. The LG BP 350 has no telephone jack periphery port. 

My computer expert friend says just get a regular blu ray player rather than a 4K one because there isn't much difference and that they don't deliver in true 4K anyways. I see a noticeable difference between a regular blu ray player and a 4K blu ray player. But if you're not fussy just go with a regular blu ray player as they cost noticeably less. Even for the extra $100 or so a 4K blu ray player will provide months possibly years of daily entertainment for the price of 3 or 4 restaurant meals with drinks included. 

Tubi honest, I don't watch Tubi nearly as often as I watch YouTube. A movie is a nearly 2 hour commitment whereas YouTube videos are for those that require a shorter attention span and not to be tied in to something that if you don't quite like it, it's a 2 hour loss of time. 

"I don't feel that I have it now to watch a 2 hour movie." or words to that effect, quoting an episode of Coronation Street

Woke up this morning. Little to no fear. 

I went on the streets and today I saw 5 ladies who are my friends. Seeing ladies who are friends always cheers me up. 

Then I went to the beach. Not actually on the beach. I enjoyed the view from the small cliff at the seashore. World's Famous Supreme Team Show 1982 is an excellent video with excellent music. Timeless, nostalgic and sweeping and its early 80s rap before obscene lyrics became a usual part of rap. This was rap before the Straight Outa Compton Death Row records era. 

I had a two hour afternoon nap which is always therapeutic. Long afternoon naps help shut down the amygdala and the sympathetic nervous system. 

Good news. This morning I bought a 15 foot long category 6 ethernet cable at London Drugs for $28. It was the same one I bought last week and took back for a refund. Then I bought it back again. And all YouTube videos were playing fine. No freezing or none of that loading... in the middle of a black screen. Works good! I'm going with Sony blu ray players from now on. 

YouTube recommendations brought up the Chaka Khan song Through The Fire and I rediscovered it. It's a really great song. 

I try to imagine what a good future might be. A good future is me moving into a nicer place. It might involve traveling and having the courage to travel. The only place I want to travel to is Vancouver especially the areas at and near UBC specifically Discovery Park, Kitsilano and 4th Avenue. Those places give me a good feeling. Any place else in the World gives me no feeling. London gives me a slight feeling of nostalgic British movies and Christmas but London is a large city. The airport is far from downtown and I worry that I won't be able to make it back to the airport when my trip is over and that such a large city would swallow anyone up. So I won't go to London. Plus London is notoriously expensive. 

My friend Debbie Hellion is still having to struggle with the tent city. I saw a YouTube video about a gyoza or Japanese dumpling store in Japan that has no employees. There is only a set of large sliding glass door fridges and a cardboard cash box that uses an honor system. There is still a surveillance camera there, presumably. So many YouTube commenter said that if such a store were in the US, or anywhere in North America, within an hour all the food would be gone, the fridges stolen, the cash box of course stolen and there would be urine and feces and grafitti and there would be squatters there. The Japanese are very highly evolved disciplined people. And commenters from other countries also said that if such a thing was in their country, it wouldn't last long without pervasive theft and vandalism. Why are Japanese people so together and highly evolved and why are the people of the rest of the World so delinquent? The admirable qualities of Japanese people give hope for the rest of the World. 

Well I guess it's a toss up. If Japan is so together why did a Japanese PM get done in while in Canada no Canadian PMs have ever been done in. 

Japan Gyoza store video:

https://youtu.be/H_pLkD9ty8s

Friday, August 5, 2022

Today, I ordered Evac headphones from Amazon. Evac is very good however from experience due to the frailty of the wires, Evacs are best used at home. They are amongst the best headphones in the World. 

Then I went to the James Bay Inn and had the cheapest item which was a basket of fries with a free glass of water for $9. I just had to visit the James Bay Inn today. 

Then I went home and spent the rest of the day at home. I'm bored when I go out and bored at home too. I wonder how I'm going to handle the rest of my life or else I wonder how I'll handle the next 20 or so years. 

The World is getting worse. There are too many people in the World. I'm glad I never had children as that idea is unthinkable in a World that just gets worse and worse. Even music gets worse and one has to continuously turn back to the golden age of music which was between 1960 and 1990. Music before and after those years are basically all shit. There is no good music made in this century as its all basically shit. 

People should stop having children and the Worlds population should drastically decrease. The only thing is there needs to be a large as population as possible to increase the chances of developing good space technology to get the species off the planet before the sun turns into a red giant star. But with a large population that increases the chances of real estate getting more expensive and even couples working a double income can barely afford a condo let alone a house. The best solution is to stop having children. The population should be a happy medium. Not so much as to make housing unaffordable but not so few that there is barely any sustainable infrastructure that is maintained. 

Women have a biological need to get pregnant and have children. It's like observing cockroaches. In any cockroaches infestation there are so many pregnant females carrying around eggsacks. The human species is like that. Men don't need to have children. Men just need to get their rocks off and are just as happy if not happier getting it on with an infertile and barren woman. In fact most men would prefer that as to have no worries about being on the hook for child support. 

Marriage is a trap. Being on the hook for child support is a trap to be avoided. 

The first few years when children are cute are the golden years. Then when they turn into rebellious teenagers and get tattoos and piercings and bring their tattooed and pierced drug experimenting friends to the house and when these woke teenagers call you a dinosaur and say that they hate you and that they wish you were dead, those years are not so golden. Then supposedly the golden years come back as they care for you in your old age, but does that always happen? Far from it. These children now adults continue their self absorbed ways and fall further into whatever patterns of delinquency at worst living in tent cities and going on a spree of using hard drugs el flagrante delicto. 

Women have their biological needs as well as ego needs and men sometimes have weird ego needs which is why children are being into a World that, let's face it, only gets worse and worse and never better. 

Singapore and Malaysia have the right idea. Anyone who deals drugs, anyone who possesses hard drugs above a certain amount are given the death penalty. Or else the other extreme is to coddle hard drug addicts, give them welfare without any evidence of them contributing to society whatsoever, not contributing is one thing, throwing garbage everywhere and stealing and being a public nuisance is another so the result is what is happening on Hastings Street in Vancouver and in a lot of other towns. 

Tent cities and chronic perpetual hard drug use. So perhaps Singapore and Malaysia have the right idea. 

Of course even with these penalties, hard drug use still does exist in Singapore and Malaysia and the risk that drug dealers take selling such illicit drugs brings huge profits. Its an intensely corrupt system. 

"The reason drugs won't be legalized is that too many people are making too much money." Da Vincis Inquest

The human species is a defective species. Never mind my genes or my family line, that's besides the point. The point is me being glad I never had children means that I did my part in not keeping the pot stirring of continuing this pernicious egregious defective species that is the human species. I would give life and the human species 2 stars out of five if such a rating system existed. 

The only thing the human species did really well is music from the 60s to the 80s. But only American, Canadian and British music only. Music from any other country at any time is shit. And the human species did movies well but again only American, British and Canadian movies. Movies from any other countries is shit. 

Food only from Europe, North America and Asia is really good. Food from any other continent is basically not very good. Oh yeah, Mexican tacos are good too. The hard shell tacos with beef, lettuce, tomatoes and salsa. Cheese too I guess although genuine tacos in Mexico might not have cheese as Mexico isn't generally known for cheese. Tacos is so good that I actually pay money for it at Taco Bell. 

Mexico isn't really Central America as I'm talking about continents here. Mexico is South America as there is no continent called Central America. 

There are lots of YouTube videos about robbers who got shot and killed when the owner or manager or else employee had a gun and shot and in many cases killed the robber. Good! That activates bloodlust. Good riddance to those robbers. As YouTube comments said, that's one less pos walking the Earth. That happens in the States where the US has the second amendment which is the right to bear arms. Canada has no such amendment. In that way the States is a better country than Canada. I'm glad those robbers got shot. I don't know if I myself would have such courage. I wish I had such courage. 

Life only gets worse. There is a plant in Australia called dendrocnide moroides aka gympie gympie. It's called the suicide plant. A touch from its leaves causes the most excruciating pain that can last for months making the pain worse when changes in moisture, temperature and even contact with water occurs making showers or cleaning impossible. People who touch this plant had so much pain that they killed themselves rather than to go on with the pain. People have been strapped to hospital beds after contact with this plant to prevent them from killing themself. This plant is even found on the edge of hiking trails in Northern Australia. These plants are edible when the leaves have the microscopic stinging barbs taken off but why would anyone want to eat that? 

Source: Casual Geographic. This Is Why I Don't Trust Seagulls. YouTube 

Saturday, August 6, 2022

I went to Sidney BC today. I visited the Sidney Aquarium aka Centre for the Salish Sea. The octopus that is there was really active today and put on quite a show. Usually, she sleeps and doesn't move very much. I went to Sidney Harbour Chinese restaurant. 

Upon returning home, I felt slight anxiety for the rest of the day as I have an ongoing anxiety disorder. If it isn't fear, it's anxiety. 

And this is despite having gone to Sidney which leaves me wondering how I'd feel if I didn't go there. 

I think I'm psychologically damaged for life. I really see no future except the attendant evils of old age. Life can't get better after one is 50. And I'm 52. All I see is a dismal boring future for myself. I fear the future most of all. 

No one knows what happens after a person dies. Lots of people have theories but that's just an empty attempt to know the unknowable. I think the afterlife will be mainly dismal. The only thing I have to look forward to is old age and death. When a person is a teenager, they want to be 20 but that's where it stops. A person in their 20s dreads turning 30 and its the same for every decade onwards. I'm in my 50s and I just dread dread dread turning 60. It's all downhill from here. Why bother going on? Life only offers the prospect of growing old followed with the afterlife and God knows what that has to offer. It is said that there is heaven but I think that the jury is out on that one. Existence is a trap. Existentialism is a study of a trap. 

Is there a heaven? Who knows? Maybe there is and maybe there isn't. Will I make it there? Would anyone? The human species is an imperfect pernicious egregious and morally defective species. No one attained perfection except for Jesus an even then, look what happened to him? He got crucified. That's hardly a perfect life. Only one person was ever perfect but no one, not even Jesus got to live a perfect life. Perfection may be possible for a person but it's impossible for the forces of life which I never really did like all that much. The forces of life are suspect. 

I don't know if I believe that there is heaven, but I believe that there is hell because life in Earth is hell. But Sadhguru once said that life is heaven but we make it hell with our doubts, fears and also with some of our decisions. So maybe there is a heaven. 

In the novel Animal Farm, Orwell talked about Moses the raven and Sugarcandy mountain. That's a metaphor for religion and the notion that there is heaven. Religion is partly a government tool to make people jump through hoops. Do this, do that and be a good person and afterwards you'll go to heaven but without a shred of proof. I think it's important to be good for the sake of goodness rather than through the ulterior motive of attaining a reward in the afterlife because the forces of the afterlife are just as random and nebulous as the forces of life if not more so. 

Heaven might be made up but I talk about my night time dreams and they seem made up too. My dreams have elements of good and of the not so good so dreamsmy stories of my dreams are at least tangible and relatable to the rest of reality. 

I watched the movie The Last Duel from director Ridley Scott. It's a true story of Jean de Carrouges, Matt Damon and Jacques Le Gris, Adam Driver. It took awhile for me to make heads or tails of the movie and at some points I felt like giving up. But soon enough the story emerges that Lady Marguerite de Carrouges, Jodie Comer accuses Jacques Le Gris of violating her. This forces Jean de Carrouges to seek a trial with the Courts and with none other than the King of France, Charles the 6th in attendance. The verdict is that a duel to the death must happen and the winner of the duel would be seen as God's vindication of the one who is right. Jacques Le Gris is in a no win situation. If de Carrouges wins, then he is dead. If he wins, as part of the verdict, Lady de Carrouges, the woman he also loves, must be burned at the stake. I won't give away the ending but it was quite a riveting movie. Of course medieval movies are kind of bullshit in its finer details. First of all no one in the middle ages had teeth that were that good. The average person in the middle ages had teeth that looked worse than mine and I think my teeth look pretty bad. For one thing one of my upper front teeth are gone. Extracted. And I have three quarters of my back teeth gone. In the movie the fly, Jeff Goldblum as Seth Brundle said, "I'm an insect who dreamed he was a man and loved it. But now the dream is over and the insect is awake." Well, I once dreamed that I had all of my back teeth, now most of them are gone. And also no one in the middle ages had hair that looked like it was washed with conditioner and having that conditioner washed and perfectly Hollywood hair salon combed hair that is usually seen on ghosts of dead friends that appear in night time dreams. In the middle ages, I think that just about everyone had dreadlocks or else partially matted hair. In the middle ages, 85% or more of people died before they were 60, heck, 55. Otherwise it was a good movie. A really good movie. 

I also learned from the movie that in order to get pregnant, a woman must have the "little death" or "le petit mort" which is code for orgasm or else she won't get pregnant. I didn't know that. I guess when a woman comes, one of multiple times, it activates a piston engine like kind of pumping and sucking action that facilitates the sperm to meet the egg. Well, even at age 52, I'm still learning things about the mystery of life. Interesting that the actress' name is Comer. No pun intended I guess. 

Likewise if a man doesn't come during intercourse it would be impossible for a woman to get pregnant. Even if he does, there's no guarantee but it would be imperative for the woman to do so. 

"It takes two to make a thing go right. It takes two to make it outasight."

For a minute the movie made me wonder if I should grow a goatee and keep the upper lip mustache shaved to get that Matt Damon Jean de Carrouges look. How old I look? Ridiculous. 

At Sidney BC I saw RCMP Police cars a few times. I wondered if they were after me. Of course if they were, they would've gotten me. How much of a chance do I have of actually evading the Police if they were indeed after me? I thought they might be after me because they noticed a bit of agitation and anxiety that might point to a mental illness. The Police are around to send another message which is, Don't be afraid to visit any time or night because the Police are patrolling the streets, in fact visit more often and stay longer and even go to the night market if you wish to. 

Every time I go to Sidney BC, it's a clean and sober time. Not once have I smoked a cigarette or drank a beer or smoked any weed when I was in Sidney BC. I might have smoked some tobacco there once 7 years ago but that was on a field trip and Heather was there and she offered me a cigarette. 

Sunday, August 7, 2022

As ever feelings of uncertainty and slight anxiety are with me every day. 

I went to Church today, the Presbyterian Church and the Minister had a good sermon saying that fear is not the antithesis of faith but is rather a part of faith. 

I'm still mulling over whether to see Bullet Train in DBox. First there's the $5 bus fare. Then its getting there early enough to get a good seat and DBox costs $16 even on half price Tuesday. And I usually have lunch at a Vietnamese restaurant at the mall next to the theater beforehand waiting for the movie. That sounds pricey when I'm on a budget. 

If I was rich like Elon Musk or even as a millionaire, I'd go. I'll go to a movie in DBox just once a year. Once a year is enough. 

Plus I'm struggling with anxiety. Again. I'm drinking caffeine again. Yesterday in Sidney BC I got a 2l bottle of Coca Cola on sale for $2. A non caffeine option like Ginger Ale or else Cranberry soda would have been $3. My usual non caffeine options such as root beer and cream soda weren't available. And today I drank tea at Church and tea has more caffeine than coffee. 

Anxiety is usually a false alarm. Anxiety is the result of an over active amygdala which the result of an over active imagination. The amygdala firing is what Dr Harry Barry refers to as the gunslinger. A month, a few months later, look back and most things I had anxiety about back then are now irrelevant. 

I might just see Bullet Train at a movie theater just one block away from where I live. Bullet Train is Brad Pitt at age what, 59 or 60 going on an adventure. If he can still go on an adventure at that age, there's hope for me at age 52. Heck, next year Indiana Jones is going on an adventure and he's what, in his 70s. 

Bullet Train was filmed when Brad Pitt was 57 years old. 

Restful Sleep tea with valerian root usually helps with anxiety. Often, anxiety and excitement is the same thing. Anxiety is the negative subjective interpretation of excitement and excitement is the positive subjective interpretation of anxiety. So there's that. I used to be excited all the time. Now I feel anxiety all the time. 

I might just go for the DBox experience. Of course there's also the IMAX option with the much bigger screen. Decisions decisions. YOLO. I can afford it, just barely. At the Vietnamese restaurant I could go for the beef with rice and fried spring roll even though I have slight food anxiety. Anxiety, a few weeks later I'll look back and it will be nothing. Jesus said, "Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof." which means that any anxiety of the day only lasts for a day. It doesn't follow you days later. Days later you look back and think, "That was easy." or else, "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be." I saw Top Gun Maverick in DBox and it was a blast. I'll let you know which option I choose.

I'll probably opt out of seeing it in DBox. It would be pricey. Vietnamese meal $31 including taxes and tip for rice with beef and deep fried spring roll plus bus fare $5 plus DBox seat with tax $17. For a grand total of $53. Yikes. Pricey. If I opt for the local theatre, it'd be about $9, no bus fare. A Vietnamese meal would be about $23 including tax and tip. Thats about $32 but I might not go for the Vietnamese meal. Too pricey. I could just shop for groceries instead. For the price of a restaurant meal, a grocery store trip would get enough food to last for 3 days for the same price. 

 

Some people do real anxiety things like pilot an airplane from one place to another that's far away or else be a Police Officer in a place with high crime and violence or else go to the International Space Station and feel no anxiety meanwhile I feel anxiety about going to a restaurant and a movie theater. 

I watched Dr Phil while visiting Heather. On an episode on Wednesday, August 3rd, Dr Phil had a guest on named Stewart who is a major chronic hard core pot smoker. Dr Phil said that pot helps the brain release dopamine which is why people get addicted to smoking pot. I used to be a chronic pot smoker which could explain why I used to feel excitement rather than anxiety all the time. 

A few days before that, Dr Phil's guest was Heather and her mother Valerie. Valerie was living on the streets in a tent and she is a hard core alcoholic. Heather tries to help her mother but she said that all that helping was giving her panic attacks and anxiety. I can relate. One symptom of caregiver burnout is long term residual anxiety that can last for months even years after the caregiver situation is over. 

The Heather on that episode of Dr Phil, she has the face of an angel. 

Walt Disney had anxiety and burnout or else a nervous breakdown after he was fired and his work partner Ub Iwerks, the man who invented Mickey Mouse left the work situation. Disney went on a vacation to Cuba with his wife and a few years later he was back to normal. So much so that he was able to produce lots of animated cartoons and even presided over the founding of Disneyland in Anaheim California. Disney went to Cuba in the 1930s which was a different Cuba as the Castro regime took over Cuba in 1959. Disney went there in the pre Castro years. However Cuba now is still a tourist destination. 

"Before you decide that you're depressed or have low self esteem, consider the possibility that you're surrounded by assholes." Sigmund Freud (?) 

"Hell is other people." Jean Paul Sartre

I still somewhat have that bump in my left nostril. I've had it so long that I don't think it's anything serious. I've had it for at least a year if not for quite a few years. If it was serious I would have known it. My worst thought was that it was nasal polyps or nasal cancer. After seeing 7 doctors and even an Ent and even after going to the Emergency Ward at the hospital, all of whom said that I had nothing to worry about, it isn't anything serious, I'll believe them. It's inconvenient but otherwise harmless. I use hangnail snipers to cut away some of that hard mucous growth. If it gets serious I'll go to the hospital. I worry that since I'm not rich, I'll just get marginalized and won't get the treatment I need. Then it will get more worse and I'd have to be euthanized. That's the picture my mind is painting. 

When I was a teenager or even younger, I predicted that I would die at 70 years old. Back then, 70 seemed a long way away. However I was working with the same mentality that thought Rambo 2 was the best movie ever made and the best movie that ever could be made. Now. Who knows? Some people told me that I'd live a long life but such words are said to everyone. Someone told my grandmother that she'd have at least another 20 years to live. My grandmother died 8 years later after that was said to her. 

I don't know how long I would live. 

Predictions are often wrong. In the 70s and early 80s, it was predicted that the World would start going through another ice age in the year 2000. A television show about Nostradamus that aired in the 80s predicted that the World would end in a nuclear war in August 1997. 

And then two gay guys who never met one another said that I'd be surrounded with grandchildren. I wouldn't have thought that they would say that. I would have thought that they would have hissed, "Everqueer. Get queer. Stay queer." Everclear, get clear stay clear. 

A Native woman also told me that I'd be surrounded with grandchildren one day. Well, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. As it is, I'm 52 years old and have never been married. Maybe the fact that I couldn't afford to get married has something to do with it. Me and millions of others have never been married. Lots of men never got married. Lots of women never got married. 

So would I die at 70? Only time will tell. At 52, that's too short of a time away yet not short enough. At 70 at least I can be relieved that the end is reasonably and in all probability, near. There's a lot of uncertainty and struggle as well as fear, depression, boredom and anxiety which is inevitable for everyone when it comes to life and living. There's a lot of things that I never liked about life. A lot of not only unresolved issues but also unresolvable issues. 

My anxiety is ongoing. Will I have anxiety for life? This is a trap with no way out. I have to be resolved to love another 20 or 30 years with my anxiety until I die or else kill myself. Neither option is great. I have to live because God has a plan for me. What that plan is, I don't know. 

I've decided that if I were to ever get married, I'd want to get married in Vancouver because that would be a vindication for all the bad memories I have in Vancouver but yet I have a ton of good memories there too. Don't hold your breath because as I've said, me getting married would be The Miracle of the Century. 

Monday, August 8, 2022

I went to the Catholic soup line again today. The food is pretty good. It's a way to save money on food costs as the food at the Catholic soup line is free. There are other poor and welfare people. But theyre not on the level as the tent city people on Hastings Street in Vancouver as those people go to the washroom in their tents. The people I line up with at the Catholic food line don't go to the washroom in a tent. Well, the vast majority of them anyways. 

Most people who live in a tent in a tent city don't wander more than a one or two block radius away from their tents. 

I found this toy guillotine on Monday, August 8, 2022. It reminds me of medieval France as depicted in the movie The Last Duel. 

The blade is made of plastic and is very dull. It isn't sharp at all like an actual guillotine blade. I had an intrusive and unwanted thought of putting a Star Wars action figure there but what's the point? That would be egregious anyways. Miscreant mischief. 

I went to Craigdarroch Castle today to look at the Craigmyle Hotel. Looking at that hotel gives me good vibes. It's a serotonin rush. On the way there, near the castle, I found a toy guillotine. I picked it up as it was just lying in the street. I hope it's not a bad luck omen. It reminds me of medieval France although the last person guillotined in France was as re ently as 1977. 

When I was the, I saw a couple of tourists sitting on the stairs that my imagination led me to believe that they were undercover cops. I was standing on the Craigdarroch grounds looking at the Craigmyle hotel. I was dancing a bit as dancing cheers me up and Dr Andrew Weil said that dancing can help the body heal from things. There was a group of children with minders a distance away as they were on a summer field trip program. I thought the couple of tourists, a man and a woman were undercover cops watching me as if to say, "What are you doing just standing there and dancing? That's weird. There's children around. What are you, the Pied Piper?" 

I was just a local tourist admiring the view. Sure I was dancing but I dance everywhere. I thought the place encouraged tourists and visitors to the point of printing pamphlets. The children were quite a distance away and aside from a couple of quick observational glances to scope my surroundings, I didn't even look at them. But then why would I? Other people are none of my business. At any event, I left after being there for 15 or 20 minutes. 

I'm going back there. I go there often. The Craigmyle Hotel is one of the best buildings I have ever seen. The roof extends over the windows reminding me of the War Memorial Gym at UBC which is one of my absolute favorite buildings in all the World and in all of existence. 

Garth Brooks made a song, Much Too Young (To Feel This Damned Old). That sums it up for me. I'm 52 but I think I'm old. Heck, I thought I was old at 28. People have told me that I'm still young. I'm incredulous. 52 is still young?! I guess if you're 60 or 70, 52 can seem young. Garth Brooks was 27 when that song was released. 

A sad week for music. Two days ago, Judith Durham of The Seekers who sang the song Hey There Georgy Girl died at age 79. RIP

Today, music legend Olivia Newton-John dies at age 73 of cancer. RIP

Today is one of those days. Doing my laundry, I forgot to put my jacket in the washing machine but I did put it in the dryer so it's only partially washed. Worse I put my swatch watch in the washing machine and dryer accidentally when it was left in my pants pocket. But surprisingly after all that it still runs perfectly. That's a miracle. 

"LA's fine but it's not my home, 

New York' s home but it ain't mine."

Neil Diamond

Thats how I feel. Victoria is a good city but I feel homesick for Vancouver. But Vancouver has changed so much in the 17 years I was gone. Someone in YouTube comments from years ago said that hhe missed a place but he also missed a time and that although the place is still there, that time is gone. 

I might go see Suzie tomorrow perhaps against my better judgement. Seeing her always brings a turmoil of feelings but I couldn't bear to never see her again forever. It's been about 7 weeks since I last saw her. 

I miss the 70s in Vancouver. But what was the 70s for me in Vancouver? Mainly elementary school years. Vancouver was very different in the 70s. A lot of those turn of the century houses were still around and the radio had those classic 70s songs. It was a slower pace of life than it is now although at the time it was thought of as a fast pace of life. 

Weiter so gut arbeit. German. Keep up the good work. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2022

Woke up with not so much fear but with uncertainty and the duress of indecision. Do I visit Suzie or not. Do I see Bullet Train in DBox or not. 

Last night I went to 7-11 and got some ice cream. I ate that and felt anxiety. I would have felt anxiety anyways probably, knowing me. 

Life can be overwhelming and the future is so uncertain. 

I went to see sweet Suzie today. She is a great lady. Her friend Carol was there too, as always. Carol is a great lady as well. How can I fear the future when I have friends like this? 

If I visit Vancouver again, I would just like to quickly check out the Jericho hostel. The place has bad reviews complaining of uncleanliness, smells, and the showers look dirty as there is a photo of it on the photos section of the Google search. I would only ever want to stay in a single private room. Sharing a room with 3 other people has never been a priority. 

To stay in a single private room in any hotel, one needs a credit card. The idea of getting a credit card gives me a mountain load of anxiety. What if I max out the credit card? And over $100 a night in a room is way too pricey. Plus I'm used to my routine in my room. I stay up to about 3 am and am so used to my room. I might be stuck in this hotel for life. But what if I move to a better place one day? All my worries about being stuck and never moving to a better place would have been a waste of time. There is SWS which is sudden wealth syndrome which is basically a specialized form of anxiety attack for parvenus. I'll never go through that because I don't see myself ever getting rich. I actually fear the future and don't know how I could ever have the strength to live the future. I fear nothing more than I fear the future. The future seems so uncertain and scary. I'm glad I never became a father because I would fear for my children's future. I don't see that any child in the world today would have a good future. Every single child in the World, their future is basically scary and doomed. The World just keeps getting worse. I hope I never reincarnate on Earth again. 

I went to see Bullet Train in DBox. The Vietnamese meal wasn't as expensive as I thought it would be. Bullet Train was an excellent movie. Strangely I was the only one in the theater who got a DBox seat. Bullet Train is about Brad Pitt who goes on a mission to retrieve a briefcase aboard a train. A few other assassins and hit men on the train also want that briefcase. The last half hour of the movie was rumbling and spectacular and worth the DBox admission price. DBox is like an amusement park ride that goes on for two hours. 

The end credits of the movie had animation. It want the usual end credits. I stayed for all of it. One other person stayed too and that guy had his cell phone on and the light is distracting. It was annoying, unsettling and trippy. I miss the 80s when no one had cell phones on in movie theaters. 

Joey King the young girl in the movie Bullet Train, Abigail Breslin the actress who was Matt Damon's daughter in the movie Still Water and Stephanie Hsu in the movie Everything Everywhere All At Once all remind me of Suzie. This is a combination of Baader Meinhof syndrome where once you get the reference point to see something just once, you see it everywhere and also the Fregoli effect where people who even slightly look like a person, you think really look like the person. I see Suzie everywhere. Suzie is a very beautiful lady and she's got into my brain. I don't want to fall in love with Suzie or else I'd only be disappointed. However if one lady can make me feel this way, there can be other ladies who make me feel this way. 

I've seen hundreds of women who to me, look like Suzie. I must be out of my mind. 

The song Suziyaki, I mean Sukiyaki was one of the songs in the movie DBox. Sukiyaki is a 60s Japanese language song that got radio ply in North America. 

Afterwards, I went to M&M meat shop and got two chicken Kievs. The chicken Kievs are sold in individual pieces. 

I don't want to fall in love with Suzie. I don't want to fall in love at all. I think that I'd only be disappointed. Falling in love often leads to a broken heart and that can lead to panic attack and burnout and perhaps even PTSD. 

"Don't want to fall in love. Love cuts just like a knife." Jane Child

"And you, Mr Carruthers, made the mistake of falling in love." 

"It was the first time I knew what love was, Mr Holmes."

Sherlock Holmes, The Solitary Cyclist

Wednesday, August 10, 2022

Wednesday's here 

Another day of fear fear fear

Wednesday's here 

Have no fear 

Anne Heche was drunk driving at high speed. She crashed into a house. She suffered burns and is on a respirator. The internet said that she might not survive.  I hope that Anne Heche pulls through but she'll never be the same. Burns means skin grafts and generally looking worse than ever. The LA Police have issued a summons for her blood sample to see if she was DUI. Life is scary. 

Dr Peter Grossman is a world famous burn injury specialist. Grossman burn injury Centre is still open. 

A person shouldn't use any drug if they are to drive. Even if a person didn't smoke pot for a long time and they just had a toke, they shouldn't drive. If a person was a chronic daily smoker and built up tremendous tolerance, that would be somewhat safer to drive but it's still not recommended. There are roadside drug tests including tests for pot smoking. 

I'm glad I never became a father. Life is a scary existence. 

When I haven't smoked pot for a long time and I have that first toke I get really paranoid. I think that people are planning to kill me. That's the plot of most Hollywood movies being that at some point in the movie, there is some antagonist that wants to kill the protagonist. I just transfer those elements into my life through over thinking and bad imagination. If someone was to kill me why didn't they do it years ago? Why trade a larger window of time for a smaller window of time. It would be a really weird day but it would soon enough be gotten over with. My future is dismal and my life is going nowhere anyways and life and the World is only getting worse. I don't know if there is an afterlife. After people die, the lights just go out. That's more realistic and tangible than to believe that a person's spirit survives forever in the afterlife as religion teaches. Forever is a long time. Forever is even longer than a googol years. That's sure milking 70 years of existence. Forever in linear time which is longer than a googol years or else a repeating time loop that restarts over and over again like a time machine that resets itself retroactively to a previous time over and over again. Time is a strange algorithm. If time travel is time experienced on an objective level and that everything is happening simultaneously like fast forwarding or rewind a DVD movie so that the next moment after the rewind or fast forward is experienced the same as if one didn't rewind or fast forward and just watched the movie as normal, then a googol years or time loops are more or less irrelevant. That's the time dynamic that the afterlife supposedly works on. Existence is scary. Life is scary and uncertain and so is the afterlife. The only way to win is if I was never born in the first place. Only God would have this solution to the problem. God is great but seems unlikely. If the Universe was a sphere and why not? Planets and stars are spheres as a sphere is the smallest surface area of any shape of any given mass. 

If the Universe is 93 billion light years across and the area of a sphere is 4 times pi times radius squared, then the Universe has a spherical area of 27 billion cubic light years. The Earth would in proportion be like one grain of sand on the planet Jupiter. And the Universe is expanding. It makes sense that the Universe is expanding one light year in all directions every single year. 

That's extreme micromanagement of God's part if he were to be concerned about planet Earth let alone each individual person on Earth and let alone be intimately concerned which each fine detail of a person's life. I guess if anyone could do it, that would be God. But what a tall order! Is God concerned about each of our lives given the scale of micromanagement and the multitasking involved. There are 7 billion people on the planet and God cares for each one of us? That's multitasking. And God cares for all plants and animals and the weather too. If God cares for animals then why do animals eat one another. Why do petrels snatch penguin chicks away from their defenseless parents and then eat them in the most savage brutal way? Is that also part of God's algorithm of existence? Life on Earth is a brutal wretched existence. 

"Nature, red in tooth and claw." Tennyson

"God is a verb, not a noun." R Buckminster Fuller

God is an algorithm. Is God anthropomorphic? Only humans would think so. A bird might think that God is a giant bird. A moose might think that God is a giant moose. Etc. This is especially so with animals that have never seen a human. 

The futility of it. Humans are a species with an 110 average IQ thinking that it could take on the Universe. I mean, come on! 

Religion and spirituality is good for the mind and the spirit. It's psychologically healthy to belong to a Church or religion. Any religion. To you your religion. To me my religion. 

I don't practice good so I could go to heaven as I'm not sure that heaven exists. Interdimensional reality isn't as cut and dried as that. And I don't avoid evil because I believe that there is a hell because maybe there isn't one. Maybe once a person dies the lights just go out. No heaven, no hell. Otherwise to be good just so one could go to heaven or to avoid evil so one won't go to hell is a kind of jumping through hoops, it's a kind of ecumenical Pavlov's dog. Do good get a reward, dont do good and get punished. One should be good just for the sake of goodness and not through expecting some kind of eternal reward. Either way, eternal reward for 70 or so years of goodness or eternal punishment for 70 or so years of wretchedness is really milking 70 or so years. 

Enough people who had NDEs said that there is a heaven and hell. Religion is 100% real. So it's good to be good and it's bad to be bad. 

Heaven exists because God and Jesus lives there. The weird place we go to in our dreams, humans go there. God is all powerful and would only love in heaven and not in the weird fractured place of dreams anymore than a billionaire would live in skid row. 

Every problem in life is survivable until it isn't. 

Death is a natural process just like going to sleep at night and dreaming is a natural process. We shouldn't fear death as we shouldn't fear going to sleep at night because they are natural processes. And natural processes take care of themselves. 

Today I went to see some sweetness. I went to visit Heather. I got some plastic plants at Salvation Army for her to make her condo look nice. 

Also at Salvation Army, I got some used Harmon Kardon computer speakers for $5. Harman Kardon speakers are used in BMWs. Suzie has Harman Kardon speakers. That's why I got the speakers. 

Would i then be one step closer to having a BMW? I doubt it. 

A girl in Brazil has the healing touch.* Alani Santos can heal people of cancer, arthritis, HIV etc with her reiki like touch. Is this real or not? I wish I could fly Heather to meet her. She might be ale to heal Heather.

source: 10 Children With Superpowers, YouTube. 

Thursday, August 11, 2022

I feel fear every day. However it's not the burning amygdala kind of fear I felt months ago. It's a slight, gnawing, dull fear of how I'm going to handle the next year's of my life and also how I'm going to handle this day. I live in a fishbowl existence of a town. It's the same thing every day. I could travel to Vancouver next month but that's somewhat expensive and time consuming, the trip there and back. I wish there were teleportstion machines but how would that work? Every molecule and atom of the body is brought from one place and then instantly reconstituted in another? That doesn't seem possible. Could a pine tree be teleported? A loblolly pine tree has 23 billion base pairs in their DNA and a sugar pine tree has 35 bilion base pairs in their DNA while human DNA has 3 billion base pairs. 

I wish teleportation was possible. 

There is someone named Javier who claims that he woke up in a hospital bed in the year 2027 in a parallel Universe. And he is the only person on Earth. He uploaded lots of videos to prove it even videos of his computer reading the year 2027 but that could be manipulated. He even went to a usually busy public square and the large digital clock of the square reads 17:37 and how could he manipulate that? Since he filmed in 2021, a lot of places are in lock down but he would walk down streets and malls not knowing what is in the next corner and still there's no people at all. The shopping malls are stocked with clothes. Who are those clothes for? This could be a very elaborate troll or hoax. Is it real or bullshit, I wonder. 

I learned about this from today's YouTube video from The Why Files - An Empty World: A Time Traveler, Another Dimension|Liminal Spaces, The Reality In Between

and someone on YouTube with a view count of 3 million talks about this too. Just YouTube search: Javier hospital 2027. 

And I thought my reality is scary. 

Old age is the shit times. Old age is the crust that's left after the pizza is eaten. There is only senesence, decrepitude and death to look forward to. Even Jesus who died at age 33 didn't have the attendant evils of old age to deal with. I wish I died years ago then I wouldn't have to go through this. Youth is the best years and even my youth wasn't all that great. Always a day late and a dollar short. Well it's not as if I was begging for my life at every turn. I often said on Twitter that I would willingly give up on life but God never gave me the opportunity to, yet. 

I wish I had been a miscarriage. That I wasn't born a miscarriage is a miscarriage of justice, my life's justice. 

My life wasn't really worth living. Old age is the residual remainders of life and I'd just as soon skip it if I could. But God wills that I live on because he has a plan for me. However I see a lot of old people still living and God doesn't seem to have any plan for them except to live the dismal same old same old. 

Life is like a movie. You never know how it's going to end. Sad guru said that if you knew your entire future you would want to kill yourself. He said that the beauty of life is that it's always a surprise. 

No one knows how they will die. I heard of one story where someone I knew died standing upright with his arm supporting him as he leaned against his dresser drawer. That's how he was found. He must have had a sudden quick and severe stroke. 

The only people whose life is worth living is Royalty, Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos. But even then such lives go fast and has an expiry date. A President of The United States is an administrative job with lots of preoccupations and responsibilities. Royalty and Elon Musk and Jeff Bezos are private citizens who can do what they want at any time. They can travel, drive nice cars, eat any foods and not worry about it affecting their budget. With a billion dollars at 8% interest annually, that's $80 million a year. A billionaire makes millions in his sleep so he doesn't have to worry about food budgets or have any associated food anxiety that would go along with that. A billionaire shouldn't have anxiety unless it's for something crazy like having 27 Lamborghinis and wanting to spring for the 28th Lamborghini. I mean, come on, that's excessive. 

I saw a Lamborghini when I went to Sidney BC last weekend. 

I don't know if my life is worth living. I've never been successful enough to live near UBC nor to get a BMW nor to have gotten married in a childless marriage. My YouTube career just tanked and I'm not sure if people are secretly making money off my cartoons and writings because they stole them. I haven't been all that lucky with women and I live in a rooming house hotel. I sometimes wish for God to end my life seeing that it's going nowhere but for some baffling reason he hasn't done it. 

I saw a movie, The Adjustment Bureau. It's an organization that nudges people into making certain decisions in their life as these decisions affect the World at large. Philip K Dick wrote the story and he's the same q author who wrote Blade Runner. I'm surprised that I'm still alive even with an adjustment bureau as my life is going nowhere. The adjustment bureau believes everyone's life happens according to a schedule that only God, angels and the heavens know. If someone is still alive, God has a reason and purpose for their life even if it's a life that seems to be going nowhere and with little to no success. 

When I was constantly thinking of suicide that represented a means of escape that could happen anytime that was under the control of my very own hands. Now that I'm resolved to live because suicide is a violation of God's will, then I'm stuck to live out a turgid tawdry life with little chance of real material success, that's why I'm scared every day. Suicide and or death is a loss, going on with life is also a loss. Existence is a lose lose situation. Existence is a trap. I hate the trap that is existence. 

Even if I were able to live near UBC with a BMW and in a childless marriage, such things have a finite time limit. Life without real true success is a life that's not worth living and I would just as soon that it ends. 

Fernweh - nostalgia for a place never visited

Anemioa - nostalgia for a time never lived in

I feel fernweh* when I see videos or movies of London England as I've never been there. 

I feel anemoia* for the Vancouver of the 50s and 60s even though I was born in 1970. 

Anyone who has seen One Night In Soho, a movie about London in the 60s and feels nostalgia would feel fernweh and anemoia if they've never been to London and was born after 1970. 

source: The Why Files - An Empty World: A Time Traveler, Another Dimension|Liminal Spaces, The Reality In Between. YouTube 

Every morning I wake up with fear and doubt on how I will handle the day and most days turn out better than expected or at least relatively smooth. Today I went to a Church afternoon lemonade event. Today I talked with a few ladies who are very sweet ladies. I visited the sweetness herself, Heather and we had a picnic. 

Today I wrote a comment on one of Debbie Hellion's videos, "The DTES has good vibes that go with 70s and 80s music." Someone wrote me a reply, "There were overdoses in the downtown Eastside during the 70s. Gimme a break." Hours later, I replied with emojis, "👍🏡💐🍧😊🎉" 

Such comments are par for the course on YouTube. I don't take it personally and I wish the person who wrote to me the best. I don't get too much correspondence on YouTube, comments, replies to comments or otherwise. I'm delighted that I got a reply to a comment even though it's the customarily snarky correspondence that is standard issue or de rigeur on YouTube. That's YouTube culture. 

"You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from." Bullet Train

A YouTube video from Spill titled, Tessica Brown's Gorilla Glue Saved Her Life, Doctor Finds Fatal Disease? 

A young lady named Tessica Brown ran out of her usual hairspray, Got2BGlue and used Gorilla Glue. She sprayed it on her hair. Months later in pain and after trying lots of things, a surgeon, Dr Michael Obeng offered his services free to help this young lady in her plight. The gorilla glue was removed but during the initial checkup, lumps of precancerous breast cancer was found in her breast which were removed and she is now cancer free. If the Gorilla Glue thing didn't happen, that precancerous growth might not have been discovered until it was too late. A comment on that video said, "God's got us in his hands." 

Caffeine doesn't give you energy. It just blocks the signals that tell your Brian that you're tired. These are called adenosine receptors which is what tells your brain that you are tired. 

A guy who worked at Starbucks and got fired for serving random customers decaffeinated coffee even for ordering croissants with a French accent when he sensed that they weren't French said in a video, "No medical condition requires you to have coffee. Coffee blocks your adrenosine receptors and that can narrow the arteries." or words to that effect. Not verbatim. 

There are a lot of money sharks in this town. Mainly panhandlers. Today I gave $5 to one female panhandler and $5 to another female panhandler. I've known these ladies for years and I've been rather miserly with them even though they were kind to me. It seemed like a good idea at the time. But I'm on a budget. On another day weeks ago, I sprang for an $8 popcorn at a movie theater but that also offset my budget too. That's life. Give a certain kind of energy and get another and worse kind of energy in return. I never ask people for money only to live in a town with a lot of people who ask other people for money. I wonder what kind of karma panhandlers get. They might get bad karma but isn't being a panhandler bad karma enough? Just like the tent city people on Hastings. They might get bad karma but isn't living in a tent on the streets bad karma enough? 

Well it was just $10, unfortunate, but not the end of the world. Typically I spend more than $10 in restaurant tips every month or else every two months. 

As soon as I gave money to the 2nd female panhandler, a male panhandler i didn't know asked me for money. I hate it when people ask me for money. What did I do to deserve that? I never asked him for money. The energies of life are wretched and life is getting worse which is why I often think of giving up on life. Life is a trap. Life is only worth 2 stars out of 5. 

Friday,  August 12, 2022

Worst news. Anne Heche died. The unkindest cut of all.  We all love you,  Anne Heche. The saddest thing was that this was entirely preventable. 

Before she drove off,  a security guard tried to get her out of her car.  She drove away.* When she first crashed into the house, a man offered to take her out of the car.  She just looked straight ahead and refused.  A minute later the car exploded into flames. Doing coke and fentanyl didn't help either.  Oh, sweet Anne.  I really wished that she would pull through.  I also said prayers for her.  

"God answers all prayers.  Sometimes the answer is 'No'." Angels and Demons, the movie

Anne Heche is in heaven now.  The ocean of people who love her sent a tidal wave of love that pushed her up to heaven.  

*source: Anne Heche Crash Secrets Revealed! The News Junkie. YouTube 

Today I went to Fisherman's Wharf but I was too cheap to get any of the pricey tourist trap food.  

I went to Ogden Point and then to the beach. I felt anxiety as ever. A person can swim against the waves without anxiety or they can be fighting anxiety without the pounding waves. Waves are external. Anxiety is internal. Either way,  there is the spirit within a person that is an impassive watcher that watches the anxiety and or the waves.  

I went to Thrifty foods and got some bok choy because vegetables is good.  

Then I went to a Library to borrow some blu rays.  

This was a week from hell. First Judith Durham, then Olivia Newton-John and then Anne Heche. No wonder I think life is scary. 

Anne Heche Car Crash: Woman Whose Home Was Destroyed Speaks Out. Entertainment Tonight.  YouTube

On this video,  commenter Patty Patty wrote: "The resemblance is uncanny.  Other dimensions at work here."

The resemblance is too uncanny.  Not me, but tin foil hat conspiracy theorists would say that Anne Heche faked her death.  There is a YouTube video called Top 10 Stars Who Went Bankrupt which talks about how a lot of Hollywood stars owed people a lot of money after going through their Hollywood earnings. Maybe Anne Heche owed a lot of money. Anne Heche went into a hair salon to get a wig before she died. Maybe Anne Heche crashed into that house because that's the house she owned. And now this is her on her path to assume a new identity to escape creditors and to get out of the Hollywood spotlight. Maybe Anne Heche wanted to escape a possible  sham marriage and to start a new anonymous life with a secret lesbian lover. Everclear. Get clear, stay clear. Everqueer. Get queer, stay queer.   

Anne Heche would be brazen enough to do an interview as the house owner disguising her voice because she's an actress and trained to do that, wearing a wig and having a few cosmetic effects like the cheek puffener that Che Guavara once used because Anne Heche is crazy. Crazy like a fox.  

Anne Heche had a compartmentalized split personality and her other self was named Celestia.*

*The Truth About Ellen Degeneres and Anne Heche Breakup. Nicki Swift.  YouTube

Another commenter,  CookiesCritterCare wrote, "Notice how the woman didn't say any condolences for Anne." or words to that effect.  It's in the screenshot below.  And another comment also in a screenshot below asked other questions such as why no skid marks etc 

In that same comments section,  someone wrote that Anne Heche wanted to recreate her brothers death as he aslo died in a car accident. 

None of this is true and is just a bonkers Reddit style conspiracy theory. The Fregoli Effect is when people who only somewhat look like a certain person are thought to look exactly like that certain person. There would be a Fregoli effect happening between Lynn Mishele, the lady who owned that house and Anne Heche. Denial can be a very powerful thing. Even the names sound similar Lynn Mish---, Anne Heche.  

The Fregoli effect has been used in the Paul McCartney conspiracy theory that he didn't die when he died and other movie star conspiracy theories that they didn't die when they did die such as Elvis sightings. 

Lawyer Saul Goodman in Breaking Bad said something like, "There is one other thing we can do. Fake your death. It's will cost $150,000 but it's an emergency last resort because there's no going back." Hollywood is 100% real.  

Conspiracy theories are like having a tabletop and then building the legs of the table to support it rather than building the legs first and then whatever tabletop.  

RIP Anne Heche

Anne Heche died rather young but for anyone who is old who died this year, they died at the right time. 

Final score: Anne Heche - 1, Life - 0

If they were over 70 when they died this year,  they got to witness all of the best and most golden years of Earth's history. They saw the golden age of television and radio and Christmas pageants and decorations of the 50s and 60s and they got to witness the starting years of YouTube. It's likely that life won't get better and only worse. All options for housing for most people are severely limited or nonexistent. At one time, the early 60s, Vancouver had a bunch of hotels one could live in and the rent was $40 a month back then.  Even renting a house was just a couple of hundred dollars a month. Now all places are too expensive, overpriced. I don't see that I'll move into any place better than the place I live in now and the architectural acoustics of the place I live in now is just awful. The person living above me makes noises on his floor that is my ceiling and the noises sound like repulsive repugnant beatings on the head of a ruined dessicated rotten turgid dead wooden drum. My upstairs neighbour is reportedly a psychopath which is easy to believe. He makes noises and bangs on the floor at midnight and even at 2 in the morning. I hate that guy without limit. There's no use wishing for his death because the person who moves in after him will be just as bonkers. I'll probably be stuck in this shithole hotel. 

Unlike me, Anne Heche probably lived in a nice house with no asshole neighbours living on the ceiling above her yet she still decided to kamikaze her car into a house while under the influence of drugs.  How baffling.  

I somewhat envy Anne Heche for her death because she won't live to see the World falling further into decline. Anyone who decides to parent a child in this day and age simply haven't thought things through. To be a child in this day and age and look forward to an adulthood of not being able to afford a house,  ridiculous student loans if they decide to go to college and University is something that is highly unsavoury. I don't see a good future for myself and although I'm not suicidal, I wouldn't mind if God was to call me back into the rolls. The future is unfriendly. In answer to Einstein's question of whether we live in a friendly or hostile Universe, it's a hostile Universe that's not worth living in. Is there a God? I don't know. If there was,  why did Anne Heche die? If there is, why do I have to live below a psychopath who is noisy in a hotel which architectural acoustics sounds like a rotten dead wooden drum? I'm 52. Jesus died at 33. Jesus never had to deal with the attendant evils of growing old and old age. Old age is the pizza crust left over after the rest of the pizza has been eaten. Old age is the dregs of the coffee pot of life. Why doesn't God just end my life now and we'll just call it even. It would be an edgy trippy day but it would soon enough be gotten over with. I don't think I have the strength to handle the future. Things will never get better. They'll either stay the same or most likely get worse.  

If any children who are about to be born knew what I know about life,  they'd say to their parents about to give them birth, "Don't put yourself out on my account. Don't do me any favours."

The essence of antinatalism. 

Saturday,  August 13, 2022

Woke up slightly afraid and also with the thought that I'm crazy. To all of you, I'm sorry that I'm crazy. I wish I was normal but I wind up being crazy in thought. I'm not perfect. Far from it. Anne Heche died. That freaks me out. Now we're all alone in this world, in an Anne Hecheless world. 

Life is scary. I don't know how I'm going to handle the future. 

The scary thing is after she was pulled out of the car and on a stretcher, Anne Heche unzipped the body bag she was in, and sat up and then she leaned forward and her arms were flapping like a phantom. Death vibe. 

On a YouTube video, Anne Heche Last Video Before Her Death, Try Not To Cry from ISL INFO on YouTube,  she said something funny. She said, "These are Tic-Tacs, I call them Ding Dings."

The only way to make it through is to see all things or as many things as possible as a win-win situation. Being asleep and dreaming is to experience a lightness of being and being awake brings the serotonin rich of life that is looking at certain favorite buildings and listening to music that goes with it or listening to old time music and radio shows. Hindsight bias is thinking that the old days were better and had nostalgia not remembering that the old days had its uncertainties and anxieties too.  

My Sony Blu Ray player YouTube works fine now for some reason. No more video freezing or not starting, screen black and with the word loading...  in the center. Good thing I didn't spend money for another Blu Ray player with YouTube because I'm poor and on a budget. 

Today I walked around the neighborhood. Afterwards I returned to my hotel and looked out the window and happened to see Cathy. She is a sweet older lady and very affectionate towards me. But she is also a money shark. I approached her and sure enough she asked me for $2. She wasn't always a money shark towards me. This started last summer. I got her $3 a toonie and a loonie but that was my laundry money. I afterwards regretted it although she was very affectionate to me afterwards. I don't why I gave her the $3. Next time she asks I'll just have to say that I'm struggling just as she is. Well, $3 isn't the end of the World as I've given more than that in restaurant tips. My life is a mess and it only gets worse. I don't know how I'm going to live the rest of my life which should be about 23 more years at the very most. It will probably be less than 20 as I always think that I'll live to 70 and that's it. 70 is a very old age. Once I get to 70, for sure I'll be thinking, "Any year now." Life on Earth is getting worse. More homeless people. More delinquent people. And lots of money sharks in town. I envy Anne Heche that she was able to get it over with. It was for sure an edgy and trippy day, but the worst is over and she got it over with. She was able to give a World that's getting worse and worse all the time the old heave ho. For example a lot of cities in the United States and Vancouver too is full of homeless tents. Life for sure is getting worse. I wish that I could just give up on life or escape it or leave it. As it is, I have to go on living. I don't know what the hell for. I'll have to avoid Cathy from now on. But I have thought of taking Cathy or at least some lady to a restaurant and that would have cost more than $3. I shouldn't worry about it. A year later, I'll look back and it will seem trivial. That's if I'm still alive in a year. Who knows? The way the World is going. This year was a major death year. About 5 or 6 people in my hotel died and lots of celebrities died this year too. Life is only getting worse. And I have to stick around for this. How utterly insufferable. Life never seems to get better or stay the same. It only gets worse. 

EnChroma glasses actually help people with colour blindness. They cost $269 US for children and $349 US for adults.  

Sunday,  August 14, 2022

"It is becoming increasingly difficult to be tolerant of a society who has sympathy only for the misfits, only for the maladjusted, only for the criminal, only for the loser." 

Vince Lombardi

Today I went to Church twice as usual. 

In a lot of ways, I'm weird. I wish I was 100% normal and perfect but weird is my default setting. The future seems overwhelming. 

Monday,  August 15, 2022

Insomnia. What were the chances of that? 

A YouTube commenter said, "Most friendships are a one way street.  That's why I decided to stay single." That's life. Enemies are wretched and friends are traps. Life is not worth living. 

If I ever see. Cathy again,  I'll say to her, "I don't want to be your friend anymore. All you ever do is ask me for money. I don't ask you for money.  Why do you ask me for money? That's life. Give out a certain kind of energy only to get another and worse energy in return. I don't want to be your friend anymore."

Thats life. You don't know how long you have with people. Tell people you love them. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. 

I met Cathy at the soup line at the Catholic Church. Cathy is a nice lady otherwise but she seems out of it. I think she has an addiction, probably alcohol. I'm worried about Cathy and I hate her a little bit. 

My tablet is different. I used to have to press space after a period. Now when I press space after a period or a comma it advances two spaces. I have to get used to that. It'll take awhile. 

Also I can't seen to download pictures anymore. I used to be able to just press down on a picture and an option for download would appear. Now it's difficult to impossible. The World is getting worse and I have to live another 17 and a half years until I'm 70?!

If or when my tablet can download pictures again,  I'll tell you. 

One day later: I can download pictures again. It resolved itself. 

I think around 70 is when I'll die. The body gives out after so long and a human only has an average lifespan and that's 70. But then who knows if I'll even make it to 60? It's a win win situation. If I live, I live. If I die, life has always presented itself as a problem. I never did like life all that much. Every place I ever lived in was a shit place. Maybe I suck at life. All the more reason not to be sorry when it finally ends. It will be a reprieve. 

The people at Church seem so perfect. No problems. No issues. I wish I was as perfect as them. I'm a mess and my life is full of problems. That's the hallmark of life. Problems. 

Predictions. Heaven Awaits has a YouTube video. I Died And Jesus Showed Me 70 Years Into The Future. This videos says that in 2024 due to a collapse in the baking system,  there will be no more cash or coins, only cyptocurrency. The United States will issue a social credit system like China. In 2028, Trump will be President again and cash and coins will be restored.  No Civil War but the United States will divide in half and there will be a Northern and Southern US. There will be a period of relative stability until 2063 to 2070 when China will invade the US and The United States will join forces with Canada and Mexico to fight the war.  

Then another prediction. Edgar Cayce said that when Mt Etna and Mount Pele erupts simultaneously, most of the World will be under the ocean. Canada, the US,  China and Europe will look drastically different as most of that land will be under water. Billions will be displaced and billions will be dead. This is from The Why Files: Edgar Cayce and Atlantis. Will these predictions be true or not? Time will tell. In 2028, Donald Trump will be 82 since he was born in 1946. At 82, I wouldn't necessarily think that I'd live to age 86 let alone to do that and to work at one of the most stressful jobs possible, as the President of the United States. His confidence and lack of health anxiety would be regarded as superhuman. 

How accurate are these predictions and why wouldn't more people belive them? I'm sure Edgar Cayce got a few predictions wrong. Quite a few. 

I doubt I'd be alive in 2063 as I would be 93. There is an average lifespan of 70 and most people don't live past it. 

Since those are two completely different predictions, one will come true and one will not. Perhaps neither will come true. 

Today I went to Craigdarroch Castle. I saw a couple of blonde ladies whom I thought might be Terra and Hailey. I went to see if they were and then at some point I fell off my scooter. I scuffed my favorite pair of beige chinos at the right knee. I am crestfallen. These are my favorite pair of pants. I wonder if I'll ever get any better pair of pants. I sewed it to prevent them from forming a hole. The sewing is very visible. In time I'll get used to it like I got used to the broken button on my jacket. I'll get a better pair of pants one day.  It should be US Polo Assn beige chinos. I found these pair of pants two months ago. I doubt I'll ever find a better pair. I am absolutely crestfallen. I doubt I'll ever get a better pair of pants.  This is one of the best pair of pants I've ever owned in my life. I love this pair of pants. I am absolutely crestfallen although I'm glad the fall wasn't worse. At least I have no medical injuries. Thank God for that. The pants though. Sewing it added a few extra holes and tears so that area after being sown is neither better not worse.  

This the area that I sewn. I hope the threads aren't otherwise noticeable.  I'm keeping these pants because I doubt that I will ever find a better pair.  

The YouTube video Talking Parrot Loves The Camera from Tamaras Blue Chicken is the cutest parrot video ever on YouTube. Watch and you'll see. I won't give it away. I was shocked in a good way at how cute the video is. 

Waking from an afternoon nap, even one in which I had a Royal dream about swimming in swimming pools, I am still shaken up about ruining my pants. If only I hadn't visited the Castle the second time which is when I fell and scuffed my pants. It was an unfortunate chain of events which I wish I could do over. I won't still be worried about this in a year, I think. 

Today, I saw the sweetness of Suzie. It was good to see her.  

I went to the Empress Hotel Q bar.  I had fish and chips. The fish and chips was really good. The batter was light and golden yet crispy. The fish was like liquid. It just melts in the mouth. It was my summer treat. I will always remember this. Years ago I would have never imagined that I'd be eating at the Empress Hotel. The future can be better than you think. Eating at a nice hotel is uplifting and could be a sign of things to come. Nothing in life is an accident. A thousand things had to go right for anything to happen. Thank God for the gift of life. 

Wednesday, August 17, 2022

Guess what? I woke up feeling fear again today. Every single little thought that pops up in my head brings me a bit of fear. I think I'm a mess. 

The movie Everything Everywhere All At Once said,  "You grew up to be just like me,  stubborn, aimless and a mess." and "I love you even though you are a mess."

A YouTube video from Mayim Bialik - Michael Singer: Let Go Of Yourself And Surrender To Life is a great video. We do get bothered by every little thing. However beyond our negative thoughts exists within us a well of everlasting joy and bliss and once we get away from negative thoughts we can access that. 

Hopefully this is just a phase. Life is known for having two major phases of extreme angst: the adolescent years and mid life crisis. Hopefully I'm feeling better in the years ahead. On any given day I feel better than I did last year. Last year was a year from hell. I was scared shitless and I felt that I was doomed. Last year it was so bad that I thought I'd be dead in a year.  I'm still here.  

I went to the beach today. Then I visited Heather. I wheeled her in her wheelchair and we went to the pawn shop. I wanted to see if the headphones I ordered off Amazon arrived. They arrived! 

I got a pair of EVAC headphones from Wicked headphones for $39. They arrived preopened because US Customs opened them to inspect them. Otherwise the headphones work 100% perfect. The headphones were shipped from the US.  Wicked headphones from Utah makes the best headphones in the World. I got introduced to Wicked headphones when I bought my first pair of Wicked Chill headphones from Walmart. The package said they were a big deal and came from the bottom of the sea in a pirates chest guarded by a sea dragon.

I would recommend Wicked: Chill, Reverb, Hero, Raven and EVAC. Those are the best headphones that money can buy. And they won't slip off the head while I'm doing parkour unlike Focal Utopia Tournaire headphones that cost $132,000 US which is a ridiculous price for headphones. I doubt that the Tournaires even at over $100,000 would sound better than Wicked headphones. Of course the expensive headphones like the Audeze LCD-1 $349, LCD-2 $995, and LCD-3 $1945 headphones use 90mm planar magnetic disc drivers while Wicked headphones uses 40mm conical drivers. 

I would like a chance to hear planar magnetic disc headphones to see if the difference is worth the price.  

Apparently PMD drivers are good for reproducing really deep rumbling bass and have a warm sound. They are good for EDM electronic dance music. But for compressed files like mp3, they don't make that much of a difference. You need to run PMD driver headphones off of a good high quality expensive amplifier and not just a cheap $100 mp3 player.  

You need an expensive NW-WM1Z Walkman and one that plays uncompressed WAV or FLAC or AIFF as these contain more information than mp3. 

FLACC is not limited to 16 bit like mp3s but can contain 24 bit which is a boost in audio reproduction quality. 

Electrostatic headphones are even better than planar magnetic disc driver headphones.  They reproduce an even less distorted and richer and more lifelike sound. These headphones start at $2,500.*

*source: audioreputation.com 10 Best Planar Magnetic Disc Headphones

There are also bone conductor headphones and human headphones. Bone conductors don't fit over the ears but on an area of the skull near the ear.  

source: Unbox Therapy,  YouTube

Otherwise I felt anxiety that lasted for hours this evening. It finally went away when I listened to music on my new headphones. 

If I'm going to have this brain damage anxiety for the rest of my life, I'd just as soon be dead.  

Thursday, August 18, 2022

Today I woke up with mild fear. What were the chances of that? The only reward I get for making it through another morning of fear is yet another morning of fear tomorrow. Is this to be my old age? 

"When it seems like sorrow is your only friend 

Knowing that tomorrow you'll feel this way again" 

Just Remember I Love You,  Firefall

"I thought you were supposed to get better when your get older." 

The Adjustment Bureau, deleted scenes

I've seen that awful grafitti, ACAB at a lot of places. ACAB stands for the pejorative phrase, All Cops Are B-------. 

This is from the elements of Antifa, the woke movement, cancel culture and even perhaps BLM. They are all somehow connected. 

Such a cultural movement is bound to end one day as a cultural mentality like that doesn't have a strong moral foundation.  

The Police are great people.  The Police are brave and the Police keep the streets safe. Sometimes a Police Officer might make a mistake that gets on the News but that doesn't represent the entire Police Force.  

September, October, November, December used to be the 7th, 8th, 9th, and 10th month. During some time,  July and August were inserted into the calendar to honor Julius Caesar and Augustus. 

That reminds me of the Empress Hotel, The Q restaurant.  I went there earlier this year and had a Caesar salad and I visited there a couple of days ago in August.  

I saw Suzie a couple of days ago and then I went to the Q restaurant = Suzie Q. 

Today I went to Ocean Garden restaurant and got a tomato and beef rice for take out. All last night and all this morning I had a mild migraine headache. At one point my health anxiety wondered if it was a brain tumor. Tomato and beef rice helps with a headache. It did last time. 

Then I stayed home for the rest of the day. There's a heat wave again. Heat waves give me anxiety and slight panic attack as the hypothalamus regulates and monitors body temperature and the hypothalamus is also responsible for panic attacks and anxiety. In the summer my room is like a tandoori oven. In the winter the room is like a walk in freezer. This hotel retains temperatures. 

I had a long afternoon nap and woke up sweating. 

I'm still smoking tobacco. Hopefully I can quit one day. I've given up hope. 

John And The Hole is a movie about a delinquent teenage boy who flies a drone. The drone gets stuck in a tree. He then discovers a hole which is a bunker. He first puts some chemicals in lemonade and drugs the gardener to the point of passing out. He then drugs his parents and sister and throws them into the bunker. What happens afterwards, you'll have to see the movie. 

The theme of the movie for me is even when people such as family or friends are being perfect to you, the critical faculty kicks in, and you'll find some fault with them and want to get away from them for awhile. The teenage boy took this to an extreme as he left his family in the bunker for days. The way he was, I was surprised that it wasn't the other way around, that his family didn't throw him into the bunker for days. The movie stars Jennifer Ehle who was in Pride and Prejudice and who was also in the movie The King's Speech. The movie also stars Michael C Hall who was in the television shows Six Feet Under and Dexter. 

The movie also has a strange side story about a mother who abandons her 12 year old daughter giving her only enough money to last for a year. Very strange. I didn't see the connection. Otherwise great movie. 

Oh yeah, her mother tells Lily the story of John And The Hole before abandoning her. 

The Art of The Steal is about how an art thief, Matt Dillon lets his brother Kurt Russell to take the fall for an art theft and forgery gone wrong leaving his brother to spend time in a Polish prison. Years later Kurt Russell turns the tables and frames Matt Dillon in revenge. Framing an art thief, no pun intended. Good movie.  

Friday, August 19, 2022

This morning I went to the Catholic soup line. A lady I had known for years, D, was working there. I went to say hi to Doreen. I was going to talk to her about me having lost my courage to travel to Europe but that I admired her for having traveled to Finland. I waited outside the soup line after it was over to mention this to her. A guy working there said, "Doreen doesn't want you to talk to her, next time show up if you want but don't talk to her."  I then said, "What if I don't show up on Fridays at all from now on?" He said "That's fine."

Then a miracle happened. I saw Suzie. I told Suzie about what happened. Suzie said that Doreen was really struggling. Doreen's husband who she had been married to for 60 years died earlier this year. Doreen doesn't want to talk to anybody. Suzie said that Doreen barely wanted to talk to her as well.  

This is classic. I'll go there and try to respectfully avoid Doreen and then one day Doreen herself will approach me and talk to me. This has happened before. 

I asked Suzie when she was going to give me a ride in her BMW M series. Would I have to wait for a year or two?  

I had given up hope. If it was any other car, I wouldn't care but I had been fascinated with the iconic BMW M series since I was 18. I want to see if it lives up to the legend. What if it doesn't? 

Suzie might not ever give me a ride. A YouTube video said that one sign of a toxic friend is when they make fake plans with you. Suzie is like Lucy pulling away the football to me being Charlie Brown. My life is a trap.  

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. 

But the ride would only be a 35 minute event.  It's only a 35 minutes event  difference between me always worrying about it and me never worrying about it at all. But she might actually give me the ride one day and all these months of worrying would have been for nothing.  

I once worried that I'd have to work for Heather 7 days a week forever. But Heather moved out to a better place. All that worry was for nothing. 

Seeing Suzie is a scene. I alway think that scenes are going to last forever but they never do. Each situation in every town I once lived in was also a scene that I thought would last forever. But scenes never last forever. 

One day, years down the road, Heather and Suzie might be gone from my life. Then at that point, I'd be bereft. I'll have no one to live for then. My future will be shattered. Que sera sera. No one knows what the future will be. If I don't have Heather or Suzie, that's one more reason for me to move back to Vancouver. Vancouver has more to do. Vancouver is a civilization with advanced and comprehensive infrastructure. Vancouver is like a Tron future city. This town is a backwater but nearly not as much of a backwater as Dawson Creek. However the junkie scene is more intense in Vancouver than it is in this town. Vancouver moves at a faster and angrier pace of life.

Happiness is healthier than anger but slight anger is healthier than extreme fear. Slight fear is healthier than extreme anger. Vancouver has more intellectuals who give better advice that can help me overcome any dilemma or doubt. Well, any town has people who can give good advice.  

I love Heather like the flowers and the grass loves the sun and the rain. 

I love Suzie like the fish and the clams loves the sea and the waves. 

I love Heather like bees love honey. 

Heather said,  "Go with the flow. Fear is a survival instinct. Just go forward with what you're doing."

"Fear is a survival instinct. When you're afraid, step back. Wait half an hour. What you feared is no big deal."

This why I love Heather. She is a very smart lady. 

After visiting the Catholic soup line and miraculously seeing Suzie, I went to visit the sweetness of Heather. I have always loved Heather and I always will love her.

 

I saw a video, Good Samaritan Tackles Thief Who Attacked Elderly Man from Inside Edition. One of the commenters was Dyslexic Mitochondria. Sterling Archer, who responded to his comment wrote, "Just checked out your channel. It's a gold mine, bro." I checked out the channel too. It's really good. Dyslexic Mitochondria. 

YouTube. Leon Hendrix. How This Homeless Drug Addict Became A Millionaire. This is the story about how a homeless drug addict named Khalil Rafati who lived on skid row in the streets of Los Angeles started a company called SunLife Organics. He once was in a rock band then homeless and did all kinds of drugs. Then he went to rehab and cleaned himself up. At age 52 he has a company worth over $10 million and about 11 stores in California. He only believes in serving the best products,  not pedestrian grade ingredients but ingredients like cocao that he got from personally visiting a place high up in the Andes Mountains and having that as one of his ingredient suppliers. Very inspiring story. The thought of having millions gives me anxiety. Money means decisions which leads to indecision which leads to massive anxiety. 

"Poor and content is rich and rich enough." Othello or else The King's Speech

The extent of wealth I dream about is to be able to rent, not purchase, a nice place in Victoria BC and then to have a credit card enough to stay a few nights in Vancouver every once in awhile. A two week to a one month stay at most. And to have plenty of money enough to cover that. I need to stay in a nice mid grade hotel. A 5 star hotel would be too pricey but nice if I could afford it. I'd also need a BMW 325i from the 80s. I don't know if I need an M series BMW. That's not a priority although I wouldn't mind at least one ride in an M series BMW. I don't know if that will ever happen. 

I would need to stay in Victoria so I can be with Heather and to also have the opportunity to visit Suzie every once in awhile. Heather and Suzie are angels as far as I'm concerned. 

I don't need to be any richer than that and any more money than that is a waste. I'd need enough to eat at restaurants often enough but not every day. I like to cook my own simple meals as well. For me, $1million would be enough to cover that. I don't need nor want $1 billion dollars. That kind of money is over extravagant, spurious, redundant and extraneous. 

Too much money and owning too rich of a house means property taxes. A nice big mansion requires maintaining and cleaning too many rooms. The rooms can't get too dirty or messy. Clean clean clean. Wiping down surfaces and sweeping and mopping and vacuuming. I don't need a television more than a 4K 55" HDTV. I don't want nor need a television larger than that. And I already have an HDTV like that which I got at Shoppers Drug Mart for $450 on sale including taxes and environmental fee.  

In the 90s, I would have needed to win the lottery to get a TV like that. I was 48 when I got a TV like that. 

Saying you need to be young and or rich to be happy is not true. Lots of young and or rich people are unhappy. And lots of old and or poor people are happy. 

YouTube: Marcos Sander. Celebrities On Being Rich But Not Happy + Giving Advice. In this video Eric Clapton said he had wealth, fame,  money, a golden lifestyle, and a bright future yet he was daily thinking about suicide. A person from a poor 3rd World country coming to North America would be amazed that so many people who live in such a paradise are suffering from depression.

Age is just a number. Young age and old age are false dialectical mental concepts. Instead,  there is no young age and no old age. There is just age. A 70 or 80 year old full of dopamine and serotonin feels a lot better then a 20 or 30 year old full of cortisol and epinephrine. Just as being still alive at 80 is better than having died at age. 27.

"I was so much older then. I'm younger than that now." Bob Dylan

YouTube. Heaven Awaits. I Died And Saw Hell And All of Creation. In this video, a man got cancer. He saw all humans as a cancer on this planet and got a negative feedback loop. Be careful what you think because it can turn in on you.  

I myself saw the human species as wretched. Give out a certain kind of energy and get another and worse energy in return. Kind of how musicians use skill and talent to create music and all people do is download their music off YouTube for free, not paying them and ripping them off. File sharing has killed the bottom line. My cartoons that I worked on with such time and energy probably got file shared or downloaded on different websites and thus I don't get paid. And that lead to my fear and anxiety in life of life.  

Now I try to see people as good people and most, which is 99.9% of them will get to Heaven because God loves us all very much. The human species is a heaven bound species. The challenges we face and overcome in life give us the spiritual credentials to get to heaven or else the next level whatever that is.  

The afterlife isn't a holographic carbon copy of Earth. It's the other way around. Earth is a pale solid form carbon copy of the holographic afterlife dimension.  

The 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and 4th and 5th Dimension. That's one way to express it. Another better and more accurate way to express it is Dimension¹,  Dimension²,  Dimension³,  Dimension⁴, etc or else D¹, D², D³, D⁴, etc. Each dimension is exponentially and not arithmetically higher and more complex than the last. 

I haven't been able to type the exponent to the power of 5. For exponents 1 to 4, go to numbers keyboard through pressing '123' on the lower left.  Then long press whatever number you want to express as an exponent. On my keyboard it only goes from 1 to 4. When I long press the 5, only ⁿ or ⅝ shows up. That's it. That's my only options. I could install Engineering Keyboard but there is a warning that appears in a popup, that the engineering keyboard could record credit card numbers and passwords because it's a third party apps from a nebulous origin. When typing CC numbers or passwords, use the default keyboard. 

Sean Kozinski moved out two weeks ago. The last time I saw him was in the laundry room not knowing that would be the last time. He moved to Comox. Wrong.  He's still living at this hotel.  

Saturday,  August 20,  2022

Guess what? I wake up in fear again. What else is new? If I had faith,  I would lack fear. Since I lack faith, I have fear. My faith isn't strong enough. 

I have to have faith that God, Jesus and guardian angels are with me and protecting me. However, as I've observed, they aren't always protecting everyone. Bad things happen to people. 

"You say you lost your faith but that's not where it's at. You have no faith to lose and ya know it." Bob Dylan

I think that I'm wretched and damned because I smoke tobacco. I also pick up roaches of the street and collect them not sure if I ever intend to smoke them. Marijuana gives me major off the scale paranoia. Is this fear to be with me for life? If it is, then I don't really want to live anymore. 

"Of all base passions, fear is the most accursed." William Shakespeare 

Two days ago at a Supermarket, I saw someone wear a t-shirt which read,  "Fear No One". 

"Present fears are less than horrible imaginings." William Shakespeare

Khalil Rafati said that picking up garbage off the street and throwing it away is a good thing. That it is a good thing to do it whether people know you do it or not. 

Whether or not Suzie is going to give me a ride in her BMW M series, and I have my doubts, I would still have ongoing fear through my life perhaps for life. If I ever get over my fear, I'll let you know. 

Would the ride take away my fear of life in general? I doubt it. I'm screwed 7 ways to Sunday. Why do I have to know someone like this? Why does my life have to include this strange and extraneous set up? The only constant is change and one day this scene will be over and I will look forward to or not the next scene in my life which is guaranteed in its own way to be just as strange and bad. Scenes get different but never any better.  

I would give life itself a rating of 2 stars out of 5. 

Not to get too specific, I had some genital bruising on the left side. It was worse a few days ago but it has since gotten better. It was from wearing pants wrong with the hem of the crotch pressing down hard on the area for a long time. At one point, my health anxiety told me it was something really bad.  

I saw Dr Bonnie Henry today! She was walking with someone. I talked with her for a few seconds and then she left. 

I visited Heather today and we went out. She treated me at Burger King and 7-11. 

Life is supposed to be difficult and challenging.  These challenges help us to be a stronger and better spirit. Life here on Earth is a school.

I don't know if I want to stay overnight at Jericho Hostel in Vancouver.  Reviews indicate a dirty hotel. Kitchen area unclean and shower area really unclean. The dorm rooms where 4 sleep in a room on two separate bunk beds are often loud and rowdy. The new generation of guests isn't as civil or mellow as the previous generation. The World is getting worse. I only have about 20 years or less left to go and then I'll be dead from old age. 

Vancouver itself is getting worse. Housing is getting more and more expensive while the streets are getting more and more unstable and disorderly.  Why couldn't it be the other way around? Housing gets cheaper as time goes on like how technology does and the streets get more orderly as time goes on like zen priests at a Buddhist temple?  That's impossible for this fucking world. It's a Universe of entropy, that is increasing chaos and disorder. Even if the World getting worse wouldn't be an incentive to quit living it certainly is an incentive for antinatalism. I don't know if I have the strength to live to see the next 20 years. I look forward to my eventual death as a kind of reprieve. i before e except after c. 

I wish there was only one language in the world and that is English. Any language other than English is superfluous and extraneous. The word language implies the existence of other languages. If there was only one language, the word 'language' itself wouldn't exist, only the words grammar, vocabulary and phonetics would exist to describe the communication pattern. Ironically the word language is offset with the existence of the plurality of other languages.  

Sunday, August 21, 2022

Went to Church twice today.  

The Reverend said something profound during the sermon. He said that to follow your own will is enslavement. To follow God's will is freedom. 

What I got from that is if you follow your own will to give in to your addictions and issues and negative tendencies is enslavement. God's will is to be free from addictions and negative tendencies of thought. 

I still really worry about my friendship with Suzie. She'll probably never give me a ride. Yet she said she wants to see me every week. Why would she say that? I think it's a trap. 

She's a small scale narcissist, a 3 on a scale of one to 10. As a narcissist she senses I'm an empath and just wants to drain or else use up my energy.  

The worst thing is, why can't I stop seeing her? The friendship is going nowhere but if it was going somewhere,  where would it go and would it be something I really want? Either way I lose, either it goes nowhere or it goes somewhere which is really another kind of nowhere. That's why I've given up on life. My life is going nowhere. 

It's similar to the imaginary situation of getting an inheritance when I'm old. Too old to the point where all the magic has gone from life. Living in a new rich place means more rooms to clean, more things to think about like bills and property taxes. A house full of knick knacks and too many clothes etc things I never use. Travel brings travel anxiety. Food brings food anxiety. Owning a car is a hassle. Poverty and being nearly broke is a nowhere life but getting an inheritance is overwhelming and anxiety. Either way I lose. 

Suzie is just using her car to remind me what I don't have. To remind me that she's rich and I'm poor. She just wants to Lord it over me. But I already don't care about so many people with nice cars. What's one more? She just wants me to visit her so I would waste my time and energy and then she'll never give me a ride which even if she did would only be a few minutes event. Much ado about nothing. What if I get a ride and find out that the BMW M series is really no big deal and just hype? Maybe it's better not knowing. 

Nobody else who lives in my apartment hotel has such problems. Why should I? Why do I get hung up about extraneous bullshit? 

Why did my life turn out this way? Why couldn't I have died years ago then it would all be simpler for all involved especially me. I wish I died in my sleep years ago then I wouldn't have to worry about this bullshit. Life is going nowhere. What would I be living for? I wish I could quit life altogether. I should never have been born. Life is a waste of time. I don't care about Suzie. I don't care if I stay single and never get married. Marriage along with sex anxiety leads to marital burnout. I'm too old. All the magic has gone from my life.  

BMW M series is interesting, it's whatever, but let's face it, Lamborghini is more hardcore. Would anybody trade a Lamborghini or a Ferrari for a BMW M series? I doubt it. 

And also,  will I have to be wheelchairing Heather twice a week for the next ten years? That would ruin my future. At some point I'm going to have to abandon the friendship. I've done more than would be expected. My guilt is expiated. What guilt? I didn't cause her to be crippled. 

I hope that God does me a favor and just lets me die in my sleep so I don't have to worry about this anymore. Between Heather and Suzie my future is ruined. 

One day I won't see either of them anymore because all scenes eventually change but from experience only to be replaced with another scene just as shitty. Life never gets better. It just stays the same or gets worse. Under the law of entropy,  getting better is physically impossible and life and the World is only getting worse all the time. 

Anyone who decides to be a parent simply hasn't thought things through. Life for those children is guaranteed to be not worth living. Anyone who has children in a World that's clearly getting worse is an idiot.  The real estate price structure is too top heavy and things that are top heavy tend to collapse. The tent city on Hastings Street in Vancouver is a manifestation of this collapse.  

Speaking of worries, all my worries about my nose were for nothing. My left nostril is completely healed and has been for quite a few days now.  

So much for Tubi being an anxiety free alternative to YouTube. The movie Frozen is a real downer. 3 college aged students get stuck on a ski-lift chair. Not to totally ruin it, it doesn't end well for any of them. The movie is completely anxiety inducing but it wasn't so bad that I had to turn it off at some point. I watched it to the end.  

Monday, August 22, 2022

Another morning waking up in fear and trepidation. I don't know how I'm going to live the next 20 years. Another 20 years of being ground down and being worn down. And I'm still addicted to tobacco.  

I don't know if I'll ever be happy. It seems impossible. I'll let you know if I ever am happy. 

Even if I quit tobacco I'm still left with the prospect of being old and getting older and the prospect that the World is getting worse. 

If a person has no money they have a built in excuse to not travel. A person then might think, "If I only had the money, I'd travel."

Having money means you have to think about travel and perhaps you don't want to travel maybe due to travel anxiety. 

I went to the James Bay Inn today and had a Caesar salad and a glass of water. I saw my favorite two lovely waitresses there. 

Then I went to the beach at Holland Point Park. 

The rest of the day I stayed home. I often think about smoking pot but I'm scared. Pot is quite a head trip. A small sip of booze such as during Church communion does make me a tiny bit dizzy but it's nothing like even a small toke of marijuana. The issue with relapse and potential addiction makes me scared of smoking weed. In its full state, addiction to weed is having a toke every 15 minutes, at its worst. You don't really get high and all that THC chemical built up in the body leads to burnout. When it was illegal it was like society was always cautioning you to quit or be very moderate. Now that it's legal, it's like society is openly encouraging you to do it and however much you do, it's not enough.  

Also, my friends at Church don't smoke marijuana and I want to be spiritually perfect like them. 

Oh yeah, the lady at Church I once wrote about in the Sunday, November 21 2021 posting of this blog the pristine spiritual rockstar who works with the choir. This sweet lady who I wrote about wanting to have a chance to talk with, I did get to talk to her last week on August 14th. I said to her that it's good to see her and I admire her for being spiritual and a good Christian and I wish I could be good as her. She said to me, that I'm also good. I was eventually able to speak with her a few other times as well. She's a great lady. 

I debated posting this. I see hearts everywhere or else often. This morning after pissing in my sink, one of the peedrops looked just like a heart. I even took a picture of it. 

If you look closely you can clearly see a heart, located near the center. 

The other day I went to the washroom and one of the pieces of my uh,  extrusions looked just like a heart. I didn't take a picture of that. What does this mean? Coincidental paredoilia. 

Had I taken the picture of my heart shaped extrusion,  it would have altered the chain of events so much that I might not have gotten the picture above.  So it was one or the other in terms of taking a picture. In terms of experience, I got to experience both. 

Tuesday, August 23, 2022

Today,  I saw Suzie again. Her friend Carol was there. I think that I seemed dismissive of Carol but I was preoccupied in thought. I indeed do love Carol as a friend. Carol is a sweet lady and I think the World of her. Suzie was great as always and I am happy to see her.  

I then visited Heather. Heather was very sweet too. I told Heather that I thought that I'd only live to 70 she said,  "You'll probably live longer than that. You'll be surprised." Heather is the essence of sweetness.  

I remember that I dreaded high school at the end of grade 7. My dread turned out to be accurate as high school was a time of high school bullies and a fistfight. High school also included a visit to the school liason Police Officer because my weird friend was calling girls and pretending to be me. This guy was really weird.  A couple of years ago someone in Vancouver was wanted for waving a fake gun and making non verbal threats. I suspect it was my weird friend from high school! It's something he would do! During the high school years he was sent to Riverview mental hospital. In 1987, at Bill Kee restaurant on Broadway, he thought that people were talking about him and making fun of him, these people were patrons of the restaurant at the time. His sister told him that they weren't and to calm down. He took a chair out of the restaurant and smashed his sister's car windows. Police were called.  

One time in 1989, he smashed his father's expensive fish tank after he had an argument with his father about racking up a $5,000 charge from a phone sex line which his father had to pay.  I found out today looking online that his father recently died on August 5, 2022.

High school also had better things that happened than I could imagine. I had at least one girlfriend in high school. High school was a time when I got a Sony Walkman from my father and high school was a time when music was better than it had ever been before or since. In high school I wore better clothing than I had before or since too. 80s fashion was the best ever. I also had a car when I was in high school.  

The school liason officer was Constable Rick Schaff. I saw him years later. In my mid 20s, when I was living in the downtown Eastside, he drove past me in an alley. He rolled down the window and said, "Are you working?" I said, "I'm unemployed, Sir." He then said, "Be strong."

I dreaded my adulthood when I was 19. My dreading was accurate. My reputation got ruined. At least if people threaten me with ruining my reputation, I could say, "That'd be redundant. My reputation was already ruined decades ago." my adulthood was about never having gotten married and always living in rooming houses or else places with weird toxic room mates. 

But my adulthood had some great times. I was able to travel and also to go to Thailand 3 times for a total of over 13 months altogether. If it wasn't for the damned visa system I would have stayed forever and never come back. I didn't really want to come back. Otherwise I got to live for over a month each in Dawson Creek, Prince Rupert, Vancouver and Victoria BC. I got a few chances to ride on sea planes to Vancouver and I was also able to visit Sidney BC for more times than I could count. I was also able to visit the James Bay Inn and also the Empress Hotel. 

I was able to visit the Empress Hotel in Prince Rupert, Vancouver and Victoria. That's 3 Empress Hotels. 

I had quite a few girlfriends during my adulthood.  

I had chances to try quite a few drugs I previously never imagined that I'd ever try. I smoked Marijuana and tried Lsd and magic mushrooms. I also injected cocaine and heroin and even dilaudid. The one time I tried ecstacy was too much. When I was rolling on ecstacy I thought I was going to die. I called 911 at the time and a young RCMP lady with multicolored hair showed up. Interesting times.  

During my adulthood, I started to pay attention to my dreams and to start a dream journal and eventually with colour illustrations. My best dreams include dreams of my parents and siblings, dreams of deceased friends and relatives, dreams of angels, dreams of aliens and dreams of Royalty even royalty who died before I was born which is very interesting indeed. I never imagined that I'd see that. 

Now I dread the coming years and old age. It will probably be mainly dismal and dreadful but there will most likely also be some really good times too, more than I can imagine.  

Life is supposed to be challenging and tough. Utopia, the perfect amount of awful. Douglas Bloch said that easy comfortable times make you go to sleep.  It is during challenging and tough times that the spirit gets strength and grows.  

Former US President Donald Trump had his MaraLago residence raided by the FBI. Could Trump firing former FBI director James Comey have something to do with it? Trump also called the FBI inept and incompetent or words to that effect. Trump might have also had something to do with former FBI director Andrew McCabe, James Comey's successor, being fired too. That's what you get. Trump fired James Comey for investigating whether a Trump Russia collusion helped to get Trump elected. These kind of things are impossible to prove. The pigeons are coming home to roost. The FBI is very powerful. Most people would be scared of the FBI. 

Today I got some Roquefort cheese for $5.99. 

Wednesday August 24, 2022

Last night I had an excellent dream about being on an Earthly spaceship.  Aliens breach the ship and I wind up on a heavenly alien planet.  

I woke up without fear for the most part. The dream was had exactly one week before the release of Andor which is the new Star Wars television series. 

I fear old age. I also fear that I'll be stuck in this hotel for the next 10 years until my death. I fear that I'll have to be pushing the wheelchair for Heather for the next 20 or more years. No way I'm doing that. At some point I'll say that I've had enough, I've done enough and I'm going to quit. Sometimes you meet someone who is a burden. Someone who takes and takes and takes. A taker. If at first you don't succeed, try try again and then quit. 

Today I went to Shaw cable Walmart. I saw two female acquaintances whom I've known for years, one who works at Shaw cable and one who works at WalMart. They were busy but I got a chance to say a quick hello to them. I love these ladies with the love of friendship. I missed them and I would like to talk with them more in the future. I got crab claws at Walmart.  A whole large bag of crab claws for $13 costs $2 less than two lobsters for $15.

I also got garlic, scallions and ginger. The recipe I use is to fry them with oil,  ginger, garlic, scallions and sugar. Add soy sauce when finished frying. Serve with rice. The thought of eating that gives me food anxiety as I have chronic ongoing anxiety to the point where I often think of dying, that I'd be better off dead. 

Then I visited Heather and I pushed her in the wheelchair to the mall that is four blocks away. All day I was under the pain of despair.  I reflected that I wouldn't want to live my life over again.  That every year of my life was awful. I never got married, I mainly lived in rooming houses rather than a normal house and I wasn't all that lucky with women. And I dread the years ahead.  

My mother died when I was very young. I would trade my life for my mother's in a second. She had a better grasp of life than I ever did. It's not justice that my mother died and I lived. I should have died. 

About being lucky with women, I now have sex anxiety. Even before when I didn't have sex anxiety, I had chronic erectile dysfunction and even when I didn't, I had problems completing the act. The times when I did complete was followed with chronic worry about possibly being on the hook for child support 9 months later. Sex is a coed sport. It's a sport like golf or tennis. Some people are good at those sports. Others like me are lousy at those sports. 

I lost my composure with Heather. I just spent a lot of the afternoon griping about the above. I did remember to tell Heather that I love her so much. I also worried that I'd have to be working for her pushing her wheelchair twice a week for years to come. Twice a week is better than 7 days a week but the work never goes away. Why doesn't she walk again? My love for her guilt trips me into working for her so I can't quit. In certain situations, the love for a woman will destroy a man. My compulsion to work for Heather plus my compulsion against my better judgement to walk Suzie to her car only to be left standing at the curb is what gives me ongoing fear and anxiety. If this scene or situation ever ends,  as Murphy's Law will have it, it will only be replaced with a scene that is just as bad. That's why I dread life and that's why I hate life.  

I so dread the future. Why doesn't God just kill me and we'll call it 'even'.  

Thursday,  August 25, 2022

I spent all morning looking for a radio boom box ghetto blaster for Heather.

First I went to thrift stores, none available. Then I went to London Drugs and the pawn store with Heather, too expensive. One day I'll just find a boom box on the street.  Things like that happen. People have found working flat screen TVs in the dumpster.  

I got a pair of Japanese chopsticks at a store in Chinatown for $8.

Today I saw a lady I haven't seen for a long time although I think I saw her a few months ago. She is the Buddhist cult lady from Vancouver.  I wonder if she's stalking me. I walked past her with Heather. The cult lady saw me but said nothing to me. Probably not a stalker. Stalkers usually have a verbal agenda. Ten years ago she told me that she was 70. That means that she must be about 80 now and she sure looks it. Her eyes look sunken and ghoulish. It might be the last time I ever see her. Sadhguru once said that you never know when it's the last time you see someone. In spite of that, I spent all day worrying, ruminating, about her. Is she stalking me or what? And she always says weird shit. I'm not legally required to be her friend or even to talk to her.  I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing. 

If I had a time machine,  I'd go back in time and bring a machine gun and machine gun down all the people who were directly responsible for crucifying Jesus. Then Jesus would live to be old and give us advice about old age. As it is Jesus died at age 33 and could never give direct advice from experience about what it is to be old.  Jesus might say that he never needed to die on the cross. What. People before Jesus's time who were good didn't make it to heaven just because they had the bad luck to have died before Jesus was born? Of course people went to heaven who died before Jesus was born. Elijah went to heaven on a chariot. That's where Biblical myth turns in on itself. I still am a Christian and believe in Christ's crucifixion and resurrection. I got nothing better to do. 

Still, at 52 it's challenging to look up to Jesus Christ as a senior. He was a man who never lived to be even 50. Jesus Christ seems like a rock star who died young at age 33.

Actually, I don't want to be machine gunning anybody. That would give me bad karma. That would be bad mojo. I wouldn't want that on my conscience. That's just stupid imagination. Still, I wish that Jesus had somehow escaped ad then lived on to give us advice about how to go through old age. I'm sure that some conspiracy theory nuts believe that he escaped. However I will take the Bible at its word. 

The Bible says somewhere, "Those who dwell in the house of the Lord shall bear fruit in old age and they will remain vital and green." or words to that effect. 

Doors Paradox, Doors Origin, Doors Awakening from Snapbreak games are excellent escape room games. I fured them all out. I might not be a genius but I'm smart enough to figure them out. 

A genius is someone who does PhD level calculus and works for NASA or the ESA or the Russian Space Program or the ASI  Agencia Spaziale Italiana or CERN and there's hundreds of people like that. A genius is whoever made that quantum supercomputer in China or else works for the China Space Program. 

On Friday August 26 the following day, I paid $7 for Doors Awakening. They all have messages in the form of notes found on each level. Doors Awakening has the massages

-You never spent a day without joy and laughter. 

-You have become blind to the beauty around you. 

-You are a shadow of your former self. 

Well that sums it up for me! 

Friday August 26, 2022

Woke up in fear again. What else is new? The fear wore off in half an hour and last night's dream although vivid was completely forgotten. 

Today I bought a boom box for Heather from the pawn store. She said that she wanted one. I was able to get a discount. 

I took Heather to the ATM in the mall. She dropped her debit card but thankfully someone was behind us in line and that person retrieved the card and ran after us returning the card. That's Heather's guardian angel working. Imagine if there had been no one behind us. 

Then me and Heather went to Dollarama. She got some things for herself and she got me a Dr Pepper. 

Afterwards I went to the beach and then I came back home to my apartment room. 

Math problem. For instance, if 60 is 112% what number would be the 100% of that 112%. I'm guessing 54.8. But what method would I use. What's the mathematical formula for that in algebraic terms?

X = 100% y = 12% 

If x + y = 60

What is x? 

There's a stumper.

If 90 is 150% what would be the 100%?   90 ÷ 150 = .6  . 6 × 100 = 60.

Therefore 60 ÷ 112 = .5357    . 5357 × 100 = 53.57

I got these slight pains in my stomach after eating a lot yesterday. I hope it's nothing serious. It comes and goes. It feels like a small knife cutting. If I felt it was that bad I'd go to the hospital. 

I have anxiety attacks every day. Some experts on anxiety on YouTube are:

- Douglas Bloch

- Noah Thomas

- Dr Harry Barry

- The Anxiety Guy 

- Arsalan Monawar

- Prince Ea

- Mark Tyrell

- Martin Burridge

- Pastor Joel Osteen

- Pastor Joyce Meyer

- Emma McAdam, Therapy In A Nutshell

- Julia Kristina Counselling

- Dr Seema Seghal MD

after watching all of their videos I still have anxiety which leaves me wondering how I'd be now if I didn't watch their videos. I think I might have anxiety for life. Anyone who has an amygdala, hypothalamus, cingulate gyrus and adrenal glands will have anxiety, let's face it. Also over thinking and bad imagination will do it. 

The premise of the Bible and anyone who believes in the afterlife, NDE near death experience etc is after death, the spirit lives for eternity as in after their death from that moment on they live forever into the future. Technically that's not eternity. That's only half an eternity. In its complete definition, eternity also includes forever indefinitely for all time in the past as well. For mathematicians an eternity has the same number of even and odd numbers, radicals numbers, fractions, square roots, cube roots and also prime numbers as well. There would also be the same amount of negative numbers and fractions and square roots and cube roots thereof as well as imaginary numbers. Mathematically, the amount of no types of numbers would be more or less than any other types of numbers in a true eternity. Mind blowing. 

So the correct phrasing is that after death, as Christians, we get to live on in heaven for half an eternity, the upper half or the future half rather than for a full eternity which would also include the lower half or the past half of eternity. 

Eternity is a long time. Eternity is even longer than a googol amount of years, heck, even a googol times a googol amount of years. That's sure milking 70 or so years of life on Earth. 70 or so years on Earth then we live on in spirit for eternity? A likely story. 

Only God lives for a full eternity. 

Regular people have a point of origin in linear time in the mothers womb. However, Jesus was cut from the cloth of God who lives in future eternity and also past eternity as well. Hippies would say that Jesus had a higher level of consciousness as Jesus had Christ consciousness. 

Saturday, August 27, 2022

Enemies are overt assholes but friends are covert assholes. Friendships are traps. Friends can and often will drain your energy. I'm not suicidal but I often wish that my life would end. I don't know if I can stand another 20 - 30 years of the World's issues and bullshit. I'm not so stupid as I want my life to go on if it sucks. The value of life is finite because the nature of life is finite. Hopefully God will give me a fatal heart attack. It's only a 7 minute event and it would be gotten over with soon enough. I wish my life had ended years ago. As it is I have to go on with life for God knows how long. Every day is the forces of boredom, depression, fear and anxiety. Never happiness and rarely bliss. If God doesn't have any more use for me I hope that He finishes me off. I won't miss life when it's over. Life is an asshole.

Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing. If life has given me the shaft, why don't I give life the shaft. Another wretched and dismal 20 years. Give or take a few years. Ugh. Insufferable. 

Today I spent all day with Heather. I took her to the hair salon. Then we went to 7-11 and then we went to Chinatown. 

Heather cooked me and her a dinner of shake and bake chicken. 

Sunday, August 28, 2022

Woke up with no fear today.

Went to Church twice. That's all. The rest of the day I stayed home. I bought Doors Paradox from Snapbreak Games. I already bought Doors Origins and Doors Awakening.

Monday, August 29, 2022

Woke up with no fear. It feels strange but I'll take it. Before even lifting my head off of the pillow, I say, "Thank God for the gift of life. Thank you God and Thank you Jesus for being with me. Life is good. Life is a paradise." That seems to work. Also I remind my self that the next 20 years could be pretty good. Have faith and let go of the fear. To have faith is to let go of the fear.

I haven't gotten laid much if at all in the next ten years. If I was in Vancouver or Dawson Creek I probably would have been luckier. Perhaps I've come to the wrong town.

As I wrote earlier, getting laid is a sport that either one is good at or not. I'm not good at it. Erectile dysfunction which is natural when one has stress or anxiety, performance isn't there and also difficulty to cum-plete the act. A woman doesn't have the criteria to perform as much. She can lie down flat and still and still do it. A man has to perform and work. A woman still has some prerogative to perform otherwise she's a lousy lay. 

Well, better a bad day of sex than a good day at work or else a good day at the golf course, I guess. 

Either way you lose. Don't get laid, get depressed. Get laid and it's commitment issues. It's just as if not more difficult to get free of a woman you decided that you don't like as it is to find a woman you do like. And then there's the possibility of getting on the hook for child support. Do it with the condom, it's not quite fully the real thing. Do it without a condom, do it once, you want to do it again and again, it's a slippery slope and before you know it, get on the hook for child support which for me would be the most unwanted thing. Not just financially and energy wise which could lead to parental burnout. It doesn't make ssense to have children in a World that is getting worse and worse.

It's called entropy. 

If there is entropy and the Universe tends to increasing chaos and disorder, to live is counterproductive and counter-efficient. Things don't always get worse. After World War 2, Japan waas wrecked but in the years after World War 2, Japan got better and better.

I asked a friend at Church if the people at Church would look down on me if I relapsed to smoking marijuana regularly after quitting for a year. My friend said, The Church wont look down on me because the Church is a place of forgiveness. Marijuana is legal in Canada. Now marijuana is a gourmet item like gourmet coffee. I'd like to get Jamaica Blue Mountain coffee. It's really difficult to find. I've tried it. It has a mellow taste. No sharpness or bitterness at all. It's the most expensive coffee in the world without getting into monkey or civet extrusion coffee. I won't go for extrusion coffee. 

Qi - The Art of Traditional Chinese Medicine (Full Documentary). WocomoDocs. YouTube

At the 24:47 mark. An old doctor in China named Dr Soong can wave his hands dispersing chi in an organized way to heal people. He healed himself from leukemia years ago using this method. 

This is a great documentary. There sure aren't any doctors like this in Canada. 

This video popped up after I was watching a Debbie Hellion video. It's a miracle. Otherwise I would have never discovered this. 

Tuesday, August 30, 2022

I sprung the $6 for Logan Estate from Snapbreak Games. It's a very good mystery story. A grandfather invites invites a couple and their two children a girl and a boy to an estate. Then it all goes wrong. Very wrong. I had to use walkthrough videos to cheat because a lot of levels are  impossible difficult.

YouTube is dastardly. A lot of times I will see videos on recommendations that are of the topic of gays. It's YouTube's al-gay-rythm. 

And then on YouTube always always I will see videos about Meghan Markle come up on YouTube recommendations. And I often see that very annoying Spotify ad about Meghan Markle's podcast about archetypes. I don't like Meghan Markle. Tons of YouTube videos says she is a narcissist and I believe it. She has an evil face. And body language experts said that she is always using the narcissistic claw to grab Prince Harry's arm whenever he is talking to someone else so as to divert the attention back to her. One video said that she faked her pregnancy. A doctor went on record risking her reputation saying that pregnant ladies are also usually fat or swollen on other parts of the body so as to compensate. Meghan was never fat anywhere when she was pregnant. 

It's kind of like The Godfather Part 2 when Michael said to Fredo that he wouldn't do anything as long as the mother was still alive. Prince William won't do anything as long as The Queen and Prince Charles are still alive. Once they aren't, Prince William might  stick a pin through Meghan Markle's forehead right between the eyes, figuratively speaking. She is a Princess who went against the Royal Code. Gangsters have a code and Royalty even more so. That Oprah interview was a train wreck. Too many more interviews and too many more tell all books would be a disaster.

I hope to God that I never meet Meghan Markle. I would scared to meet her. I'm on welfare. I doubt that meeting people who are on welfare would be any kind of priority with her. I think that Meghan Markle is evil.

I thought Prince Harry would marry a White lady and one of British aristocracy or else of another Royal House in Europe. I never thought he'd marry a divorced American who is half White and half something else. Why would Prince Harry marry an American? The British are the the Lords of the Manor and the Americans are hick colonialists. 

America does have a lot of interesting civilized dynamic cities. England, and not speaking of the UK only has London. Every other town in England is a backwater full of drugs, alcohol, crime, unemployment and inbreeding. The towns in Northern England were backwater enough with the coal mines but now that the coal mines shut down, it's even worse. The 2nd biggest town in England is Birmingham but who ever talks about Birmingham? What famous tourist attraction is there in Birmingham?

As for the UK, There are only the towns of London, Edinburgh, Glasgow, Belfast and Dublin and possibly Cardiff Wales, but what tourist attractions are there in Cardiff? Ireland has castles and the Blarney Stone. 

Prince Harry would have been better off marrying Chelsea Davie. But reportedly, she didn't want to be in the media spotlight and didn't want to have media scrutiny all the time. She values her privacy.

No wonder Prince Harry and Meghan Markle are concerned about security when they go to England. Lots of people don't like her. I myself would try my best to avoid Meghan Markle. 

I've had Royal dreams about the British Royal Family. Too many to count and some on a scale of 11 out of 10. That's baffling to me. I'm Asian. I thought that the BRF only appeared to White people in dreams and I'm on welfare too. I didn't think they'd appear in the dreams of someone on welfare. Baffling indeed. What does it mean? Dreams are some kind of Freudian wish fulfillment according to Freud. However I don't remember ever saying before the event, "Tonight I'd like to have a dream about Royalty." They just showed up. No one can plan their dreams beforehand or else very few people can. 

Today I saw the sweetness of Suzie. Who am I kidding? I know that she knows that I know that she knows that I know that the friendship is going nowhere. But where is it supposed to go? Life is what it is. Suzie is a kindred spirit. And her friend Carol is very sweet too. I wasn't sure at first, but I have grown to really like Carol. She is a good lady.

Pastor Joel said in  his video Don't Take The People In Your Life For Granted, "Don't blow someone off because they have some issue. Or the next person you meet will also have issues and you will spend your life doing that. Appreciate the people in your life because you don't know how long they'll be there. One day they won't be there anymore."

Holy smokes! Thailand legalized marijuana. Grow, smoke, possess and sell is all legal in Thailand. I wish this happened 30 years ago. I'm 52 and too old to enjoy this. I quit smoking weed a year ago apart from falling off the wagon a few times and each time it led to days if not weeks of fear afterwards. Smoke too much, get addicted and that costs money. Weed would be a lot cheaper in Thailand than it is here. 

A Buddhist monk advised someone not to get a cat. The person got a cat anyways then he had to get a cow to supply milk for the cat. Then he had to hire a woman to take care of the cow. Then he fell in love with and married the women. Then he got the woman pregnant and is on the hook for child support. Moral, give someone or something an inch and they'll take a mile. Habits are insidious. It only takes a little bit to get started. So it is with smoking weed. 

Former Russian President Mikhail Gorbachev died today at age 91. He was the proponent of glasnost and perestroika. A lot of former Russian States became independent countries under his watch such as Ukraine. Confederation. Now Putin is trying to get them to be Russian States again such as Ukraine. Federation. Mikhail Gorbachev was a larger than life iconic figure. RIP

Canada's Confederation was a misnomer. Confederation means a separation of States or Provinces. Whereas Canada's Confederation was to bring the Provinces together under the umbrella of the country of Canada. 

After going for the $11 lunch special at the James Bay Inn which was an elegant tasty grilled cheese sandwich and a tomato soup with barley, I went to visit the Emily Carr House. Now I heard of this in Google reviews and it happened to me too. I visited the ECH with a Walkman fully charged the previous evening with the battery recharge. 20 minutes later after I left the ECH, I was at the beach and the battery was drained almost empty. I turned off The Walkman for 10 minutes and then it was on full charge again. A woman on Google reviews said this happened to her too at the ECH but with a camera. She said that the Emily Carr House is haunted and ghosts did that. The house does have a heaviness when you visit. 

When I first entered Emily Carr house I thought I saw a woman in one of the rooms. She was walking from one direction to another. She was behind the door-sill of a room. When I walked into the room, the very first room to the left with a piano, no one was there. I'm just seeing things. 

Wednesday, August 31, 2022

Andor isn't being released today. 3 episodes will be released on the premier day of September 21. 

I'm still deciding whether to visit Vancouver and to stay at a hostel. I've been thinking of this hostel for a year. There is the Jericho Hostel and there is also the Pacific Spirit Hostel which is an old dorm building at UBC. Old School. This old dorm was the one used, up until the 90s. Then new modern dorm buildings were built. The Jericho Hostel is in an excellent neighborhood. I am curious as to what it is like to stay in a hostel. Hostels are very cheap and don't require a credit card. I guess hostels are for people who are very sociable. They are for people who like to go to nightclubs. A person who is not sociable and who is reclusive wouldn't like hostels. The Jericho Hostel is about $40 a night and rooms at the Pacific Spit Hostel start at $60 a night which means the average room is closer to about $90 a night. 

I don't know what to do today. Every day is a blank slate of boredom. I don't wake up in fear anymore. 

"Thank God for the gift of life. Life is good. Life is an adventure. Life is a paradise. The future in some ways will be better than I think."

I think my reputation is ruined on the internet. Not a lot of people write to me. But then when they do write to me, I get a little bit scared. I've seen YouTube channels of people and places such as locally famous museums which have been around for decades that don't have nearly as ruinous a reputation that I do yet they have less views and less subscribers than me. Baffling.

Enemies of mine have ruined my reputation on the internet. They are saying about me, "Don't watch his YouTube channel. He's crazy. Don't read his blog. He's crazy. Have you heard of some of the things he did when he was young?" That's classic. 

In terms of crazy vs normal or else traditional, there's no telling who will make it big on the internet or not. There are otherwise successful real estate agents who don't have a lot of subscribers and views. 

And then there are people who are cross dressers and transvestites who have lots of subscribers and views. And who are not worried about their reputation or being traditional. With them any worries about being more traditional are irrelevant. 

The comparison trap is big on the internet. 

A person with 500 subscribers would think, that person has 5,000 subscribers, is my reputation ruined? 

And a  person with 5,000 subscribers would think, that person has 100,000 subscribers, is my reputation ruined? 

And a  person with 100,000 subscribers would think, that person has a million subscribers, is my reputation ruined? 

And a  person with a million subscribers would think, that person has ten million subscribers, is my reputation ruined? 

It gets irrational.

I might chicken out and not go to the hostel. With a hostel, you need a padlock, flip flops and a towel. You might need a portable charger if you use iPods or cell phones. I use an iPod. I don't use a cell phone. I could stay at a hostel but why would I want to? Staying in a room with a bunch of other people seems somewhat unsavory yet millions of travelers have stayed at a hostel. 

I could stay in a private room in a hotel if I got a credit card. But hotel rooms are expensive and credit cards are a hassle. 

Is the Thai Postal Service reliable? I sent a small $5 donation to a Buddhist temple. My friends in Thailand all say that they are reliable. But Google reviews mostly say that it is unreliable. Packages get stolen and don't arrive. Even a Postal Worker at the Canada Post outlet told me that Canada Post says not to send money overseas. They might get stolen. I'm not sending any more donations to the Thai temple overseas. They never send me a reply saying that they got the donation. I might send the donations to a local Thai temple in Vancouver. I'm superstitious. I've been taught that sending money to a temple of any religion can bring good luck and it chases the bad things away. 

I've often sent donations and then found some funky things on the street like clothing or electronics and these were things I could really use. I've found scooters and induction frying pans too. My current scooter, Pulse Performance was found on the streets of James Bay. I brought it with me to Vancouver. Vancouver is a big city. With a scooter, I can cover more ground. It makes a big difference.

Today, at the last minute, I decided to go on a tour of the Legislative Building. There was a Royal display on a television screen of all British Royalty who visited the Legislative Buildings. I walked upstairs and I'm glad I did although I wasn't sure at first. I saw the room where all the politicians assemble for Legislative meeting. This room has been shown hundreds if not thousands of times on the News. I saw the mace. The room looked opulent and beautiful. That room is the center of power in all the Province. The room looks smaller in real life than it does on television and in pictures. It was a good tour. Life is full of surprises. I sure didn't expect that when I woke up. 

I spent the rest of the afternoon with Heather. I wheeled her around City Hall grounds, to a store in Chinatown and then to Market Square. Heather bought me and herself a drumstick ice cream. They're pricey now. They're $3.99 each. I remember in the 70s, they were 55 cents. 

I'm still mulling over whether to go to a hostel next week. I'm not legally or morally required to. LukeLifeCharms on YouTube said, "You'll be fine." He was addressing people who are going to stay in a hostel for the first time. Most hostel guests are people in their 20s whereas I'm in my 50s. I'll do it for one night. Maybe two nights. 

A trip to Vancouver would include eating at Pacific Centre Mall, riding the seabus and having sushi at Lonsdale Quay, eating lunch at Kent's Kitchen in Chinatown, visit Granville Island, visit UBC and Trail 3 but not visiting Wreck Beach. 

Sure Wreck Beach has naked women but it also has a lot of other naked things that I wouldn't want to see. Wreck Beach has a lot of men going naked there and there are children that go there too with their families, sometimes naked. Ugh! Not any kind of priority at all. Much of it is offsetting actually. I also still have a fetish for women who are old, over 60, so the younger women wouldn't be that much of an interest for me although I still do like a lot of younger women. Although I still do enjoy looking at naked women of all ages, it's the older women who I have a strange fetish for. That's why my life is fucked. I'm not going to Wreck Beach. Wreck Beach has a ratio of 3 to 1 of naked men to naked women. Wreck Beach has become a tourist trap market. Lots of people are there selling this thing or that thing. I'll just go to Trail 3. Trail 3 is more heavenly. Vancouver has Wreck Beach. What does this town have in comparison?  

I might not go to Kent's Kitchen. Kent's Kitchen is located near a sleazy part of town. Too out of the way. There's Chinese restaurants in this town that are just as good if not better. It's too out of the way. When visiting Vancouver it's best to avoid the East side and just visit the West side. The East side has the PNE and also Metrotown and Science World. The West side has Granville Street, Pacific Centre Mall, Granville Island, Vanier Park and museums, and UBC. Other than that, there's nothing to do in Vancouver except ride the Seabus. 

I've given up on Logan Estate. Puzzles too difficult. Strange. Bizarre. Anything that's too difficult isn't worth doing.