March 2022

 March 1, 2022

Still feeling not quite with it. Life. I'm a square peg and life is a round hole.

Feeling worried about the future. 

Some YouTube videos from the channel Above Inspiration said, 

"There are some things that you are afraid of that make no sense from Heaven's perspective. There are somethings that are causing you to shut down, that are paralyzing you, that are senseless when you put it in the context of what God is in you and what you mean to him. God said that I want you to train your mind to be anxious for nothing. It isn't things that God would worry about. Our pains in life are not serious. Life is meant to be joyous and full of laughter."*

"Worry is an old man with a bent over head, Who was carrying feathers that he mistook for lead."**

"What Jesus said about worry can be summed up in two words: Don't worry."

*source: Above Inspiration. Be Anxious For Nothing | Overcoming Anxiety and Worry. YouTube

**source: Above Inspiration. Trust God & Don't Worry | Cast Your Cares On God. YouTube

I sometimes wonder if God is made up. Religion is a made up fiction. Even the NDE videos on YouTube are in on it. Life is about making choices. To choose to be good and compliant is better for the government than to choose to be bad and non-compliant. But it makes sense to the core of the heart to be a good person. That's what I strive to be. Whether or not God exists, He does, I still willfully choose to be a good person because it makes sense to the heart and that's what I want to do. Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. 

I'd rather find out that there is no God when I did believe in God that to find out that there is a God when I didn't believe in God. I do believe in God. On American money, it says, "In God we trust." 

However, logically, believing in God and finding out that God exists or not believing in God and then finding out he doesn't exist doesn't seem to be a problem at all. Thank God for the gift of life. 

A YouTube video about someone who went to hell in an NDE, when he was in hell, he asked,  "Where am I?" The reply was, "Where do you think that angry fucking drunks go, dumbass?"

I live in a neighborhood where there are some people who are perpetually angry. I wonder if they would wind up in hell. 

Fortunately for this someone who went to hell in an NDE, an angel rescued him and brought him to the light and back to life.*

*source: Beyond Death. I Died and Went To Hell | Near Death Experience | NDE. YouTube

I can't help worry about the future and getting older, old. I am afraid of growing old. Still. Thank God for the gift of life. 

Today, I went to an East Indian restaurant and ordered chicken marsala for take out. I went to a Christian volunteer place and had my tax return done there. Tax returns change slightly every year. It's too difficult to do tax returns although most people can do it if they try. I even went and had my handicapped girlfriends taxes done which is twice the work and gave me some burnout. I'm often bailing her out. But she paid me some money afterwards for doing that so all is well. So it's not like she got me to do it for nothing. I am constantly burned out which makes me worry about the future. Will I always be burned out? 

I definitely have burnout today. There's no end in sight to the work I would do for my handicapped friend leading to caregiver burnout. That scares me. And if she's brought to assisted living my heart would break because I do love her otherwise I wouldn't have done the amount of work I did. That also scares me. I would miss her. It's a lose-lose situation which is why I'm terrified of the future. 

The vaccine often helps facilitate the burnout. I don't know what's in the vaccine. "You don't comply your way out of tyranny." "Natural immunity is best." say the anti-vaxxers so whether I vax or whether I don't, it's another lose-lose situation. And I am triple jabbed. That's like a World War 1 pilot upgrading from a biplane to a triplane. 

My Province BC will most likely relax masking mandates and the vaccine card on March 15 which is Spring Break. That takes away a bit of the burnout. All through the pandemic while most people in my building were able to keep to themselves and live a slower pace of life, my handicapped girlfriend left me with a whole dump of work. She ruined my once in a century pandemic experience. She really did a number on me. She gave me burnout. She will probably be or won't be brought to assisted living only after the pandemic ends. I worry about my future. Getting old and growing old. Like Hugh Grant said in the movie The Gentleman, "The sun is not going up for me Ray, it's going down." Hugh Grant is about 60 years old. For me too, getting old is about the sun setting. 

My fear of the future is irrational. 8 months ago at the end of June 2021 I thought my future was fucked and that I was doomed and would die within a month. I had so much burnout and PTSD that I thought I couldn't do anything like go to Church or see a movie. On Wednesday August 24, I placed an order for a book at a bookstore to arrive in two weeks. I also actually told the clerk that I thought that at the rate I was going, burnout and PTSD, that I thought I might be dead within two weeks. That didn't happen. I'm still alive. 

Instead, I did a lot of great things in the last 8 months. I went to Church a lot, I went to see a lot of movies including Imax and the Star Cinema in Sidney BC. I met Joel Osteen and Douglas Bloch on YouTube. I discovered the James Bay Inn restaurant for myself. The workload I once had working for my handicapped girlfriend dropped off drastically with it being only a fraction of what it once was. So the bad future I thought I might have had for the last 8 months didn't turn out that way. I didn't die within a month. I am still alive 8 months later. 

Thursday opening day would be too busy. I would like to see The Batman on Friday or Saturday or even on half price Tuesday. I can wait. The Batman is a three hour movie! Why don't they have Robert Pattinson's Batman fight Joaquin Phoenix's Joker in a sequel? That would be amazing. 

I might have reverse placebo from the vaccine. Placebo is when one takes something that is supposed to cure but it winds up being nothing. Reverse placebo is when one takes something that might be harmful but it turns out to be nothing. The anti-vaxxers got me scared of the covid vaccine of which I have had three jabs. I got my third covid 19 vaccine jab yesterday. The pharmacist did say that the covid 19 vaccines have a side effect of a slight fever. Maybe that's what I'm feeling. Scared. Burned out. 

My dream is to live in the West side of Vancouver one day. Near UBC. That's a big dream of mine. Owning a BMW is a good dream as an ideal. As a reality, any car especially a BMW is high maintenance. Gas, insurance, parking meter fees, yearly tune-up, and repairs, is all very expensive. 

An 80s BMW made up of all metal parts and more reliable, when it does break down, parts is expensive since they no longer make those parts. A modern BMW with a lot of plastic parts is less reliable and thus breaks down more often and parts are also expensive. I need to get either a late 80s red 4 door BMW 325i or else an early 80s white 4 door BMW 525. I would need standard transmission as well. Standard transmission was more common with 80s BMW's than it is with modern BMW's. 

If I do move to Vancouver's West side one day, dream on, I would miss a lot of friends that I know in Victoria BC. 

The Lord is my shepherd. Glory to God in the highest. 

Wednesday, March 2, 2022

This morning I went to the Library. Then I went to visit Craigdarroch Castle. 

I saw the movie The Courier starring Benedict Cumberbatch today. It's about the Cold War and mentions the Cuban missile crisis. An American salesman living in Britain is recruited by MI-6 to go to Russia to smuggle Soviet classified documents out of Russia to England using a Russian liason who is a deflector. Unfortunately the American was caught and imprisoned and freed three years later via a prisoner exchange program. The Russian defector was executed. This is still true in Russia today, I imagine. Any spies or anything like that is executed. In any country its very dangerous to operate against a government. 

At least the American salesman got to see Swan Lake in Russia which the actual Russian ballet performed. That would've been a treat. Not many people outside of Russia get to see that. 

The movie The Courier mentioned that Russia does not have first strike capabilities against the US. The movie also mentioned that the West already has nuclear weapons in Turkey. Which is why Russia wanted to plant nukes in Cuba, to give them that reciprocal first strike capability against the US.

However Russia does have a first strike capability between Britain and France. The US and or NATO would want nuclear weapons installed in Ukraine to give the West first strike capability in a scenario between Russia vs Britain and France. One can understand Russia's narrative regarding this.

I saw an article on the internet, lost it now, but the situation looks bad. The statistics here are very skewed, but the gist of it is 1st strike, 600 nukes deployed, 750,000 dead in 45 minutes. 2nd strike, 1200 nukes deployed, 1.5 million dead in 30 minutes. 3rd strike, global nuclear war 3,000 nukes deployed, 34 million dead in 25 minutes. Again, the exact statistics are intensely inaccurate in this paragraph but you get the picture. Result, death all around. 

If Russia had Ukraine all nuked out, it would be a pyrrhic victory for Russia. Russia would gain nothing but a radioactive land unfit for human habitation and with no infrastructure. Would that be a priority for Russia? Does Russia want that? 

I love life. I want life. 

The only Russian words I know are da - yes, spaseba - thank you, das bedonya - goodbye, and nyet - no. Bratya perugia - brothers in arms.

Bolzaboi - fuck. Colossus says this in Deadpool 2 after Deadpool talked about how being a hero also means jerking off in a hand soap dispenser container, one that Colossus used and then sniffed his hands. Funny. 

Ukrainians also speak Russian. Russia and Ukraine are a conflict in which either side speaks more or less the same language with mild variations. Its not a conflict with the dynamic of either side not understanding each others languages. No, looking at the internet, Russians and Ukrainians don't understand each other although either language are dialects. It's like how a Cantonese speaking person wouldn't understand mandarin. The Ukrainian language is closer to Polish than it is to Russian according to the internet.

More news. News parrot. On Thursday, March 3, Russian forces struck the Zaporizhzhia nuclear power plant, the largest nuclear power plant in Europe in Ukraine and it was on fire. The situation is under control and fire and safety limits are normalized. The meaning of the word Zaporizhzhia is that its simply the name of the city on the Dnieper River it is in. 

The Russians would most likely be using Kalishnikovs. Would the Ukrainians also use Kalishikovs or M-16s?

Engine Manipulation Effect. Search engine manipulation effect. Search engines will skew political elections bringing up results that are favourable to the candidate that the silicon valley corporation that runs the search engine wants to win. 

I got an email from my religious cousin Tom. Reverend Hare, of Orwell's A Clergyman's Daughter also had a cousin Tom. It seems that as he gets older, age 65 now, he gets more and more religious fervour. He wrote that even a lot of unsaved people believe in God. He also wrote that he's praying for my salvation. This despite the fact that I've been going to Church for years. He's quite sanctimonious. I wrote to him saying that all good people including Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, Hindus etc will make it to Heaven. I really believe that. Even people who are good of heart and atheists will make it to Heaven although it would come as a pleasant shock to them. 

I believe that even animals and pets will wind up in heaven. 

I wrote also to him, Judge not lest you be judged. Everyone, including my cousin Tom is entitled to their own opinion. My cousin means well and often people think something but when it comes down to expressing what they think in words, it comes out wrong. Thought and sentiment is limitless and language is limited. I got a few emails from him over the years in which the wording was strange. 

I haven't seen any of my relatives for years. I am not close with my family. Me and millions of others. I doubt that I will see any of them ever again. There's an old saying. The reason why you see the relatives once a year is to remind yourself why you don't see them more than once a year. 

People work in patterns. My cousin probably also doesn't think that any of the other relatives are saved or redeemed to the point that he is, which is an evil and sanctimonious way to think. Ironically that kind of thinking might keep him out of heaven or else land him in purgatory for awhile. He doesn't have respect for people of different religions which I do. He doesn't think people of any different religion than him will go to heaven. I think that they will. 

My cousin Tom is somewhat strange. Aren't we all? He never got married although he did well in life financially. He owned or rented a house for decades and he's owned several cars but not all at once, one car at a time. I never got married because I was on welfare for decades. But what's his excuse for not getting married? Who knows? It really is nobody's business but his. He didn't get married. So what? Him and millions of others including some Hollywood celebrities have never gotten married. 

If religion teaches that people of other religions don't go to heaven, doesn't that defeat the purpose of religion?! 

Religion divides. Spirituality unites. 

 

Divide et impera. Divide and rule. Government funds Churches because it is more in the governments interests to have as many people as possible be a good person and thus compliant than to have as many people as possible be bad people and non compliant. And religions teach people to be good people who are compliant to the government.

Also, people are already divided along party lines. Some people are Liberal loyalists, some people are Conservative loyalists. Religions and denominations of religions is another pigeonhole, ie Kant's Categorical Imperative which further divides people into different demographics and categorizations. Thus there can be Catholics who vote Liberal and Catholics who vote Conservative all congregating at the same Catholic Cathedral. 

A portmanteau of government is to start with the first two letters G and O, erase the letters v, e, r, n, m, e, and n, and leave in the last letter T and you have GOT. Got or alternatively spelled Gott is God in German. The government is a form of God. That's the political ideal anyways. Whether or not it is the reality

Thursday, March 3

Jazz music has the power to lift one from depression. I recommend Pat Metheny Group - James and Jeff Lorber - Pacific Coast Highway from the album Step by Step. 

I discovered a video on YouTube suggestions. Soft Streak - Nighttime Feeling. Good song and good music video. 

George Orwell once wrote that the best cheese is Stilton and that the second best cheese is Wensleydale. 

"Everything will be OK. Actually it will be more than OK. You will see." 

Tonight, I had a major anxiety attack. Sex anxiety. A lady on YouTube mentioned sex and I got anxiety from that. I am out of practice. And I thought that either I would never meet her or meeting her would be difficult. Those abstract thoughts have given me sex anxiety. I also think that at age 51, I'm too old for sex. It's entirely self suggestive. I think I'm over the hill and my sex days are over. I'm doomed. Despite this, I must find the strength to go on living. My life is in God's hands. Thank God for the gift of life. The anxiety, a lot of it comes from either gas or indigestion. I feel somewhat better now. Only somewhat. I need to find a woman who will make me not feel anxious about having sex again even if I have to pay her $50 for 15 minutes to half an hour. 

Shakatak music makes me feel better. I feel better now. Calm. 

Jazz music cements my memories in a town and makes my experiences in any town make sense. 

I've neglected jazz music for so long. I eschewed jazz music for disco dance music. Jazz has the power to lift one from depression like no other music. 

There's no accounting for taste so I won't list some of my favorite jazz groups and musicians. Oh what the heck. The Pat Metheny Group, Jean-Luc Ponty, Shakatak, Jeff Lorber, Brian Hughes etc etc 

Thursday, March 4, 2022

Yesterday, I sent an email to Island Health, the Cool-Aid medical society for people living in poverty, the St Vincent de Paul Society and to my local MLA regarding my caregiver burnout. I outlined the work I feel compelled to do for my handicapped lady friend and that I am getting caregiver burnout and that she should be moved into an assisted living facility. I wonder if that will do it. It might. Writing a letter to one of them might not work, but to all four of them especially to the politician, that could work. A politician is quite portentous. Island Health and the Cool-Aid medical society does send nurses to look after her but they do the minimum of work leaving me, a neighbour, to do the work and I'm neither trained nor qualified to do it. St Vincent de Paul is a caring society. I hope that she gets moved to assisted living. Even my landlord is pushing for her to get moved to assisted living rather than to live in this hotel in which her room floor is covered with mouse droppings and there are lots of cockroaches in her room. Island Health is directly linked to Victoria General Hospital where she stayed. With any luck, they will read the email within a couple of days. The work is giving me caregiver burnout and the inevitable anxiety disorder which follows. 

"When the ego weeps for what it has lost

The spirit rejoices for what it has found." 

Eckhart Tolle

Saturday, March 5, 2022

Fox News said that Russian forces are publicly executing captured Ukrainian soldiers. That's just mincing words. In a war people are publicly executed anyways whether a building is bombed with people inside or soldiers shoot at each other in machine gun nests. In some countries like Saudi Arabia people still get publicly executed. All's fair in love and war. 

But this is not a good situation. However situations like this would strengthen the Ukrainians resolve. 

It's a grey area. The Russo-Ukrainian conflict is neither a traditional war between two countries who were never a part of one another nor is it a civil war. Until about 30 years ago, Ukraine was one of the Soviet Republics Federated States. That ended in 1991. Ukraine was essentially a Province of Russia. 

Today I took my handicapped lady friend to the protest at the Legislative Buildings. 

Sunday, March 6

I went to Church twice today. I hope that God helps me with my periodic anxiety attacks and with my ongoing fear of growing old. God and the Angels and Jesus don't fear growing old. Lord Jesus never got a chance to grow old as he got crucified at age 33.

I took my handicapped lady friend  Heather outdoors so she wouldn't be cooped up in her apartment all day on this sunny Sunday. Me and her went to a hotdog restaurant and she treated me. Sweet lady. 

Then I went for a walk to the beach listening to Shakatak on my Walkman. I saw a blonde lady friend. We hugged. I thought of taking her to a coffee shop but hesitated and she was gone. However this timing led to a chain of events where afterwards about an hour later I saw another blonde lady friend from Church at the park. I enjoyed a walk with her. I gave her hugs too. It was a good day. At the park I saw peacocks fawning and preening their feathers around some peahens that were around them. There was a crowd of people including me watching them. 

Although the ongoing future is uncertain, it never is as bad as I thought it would be. Today is the future of 8 months ago. Since then I had good times amidst ongoing waves of anxiety and fear. 

Thank God for the gift of life. The Lord is my shepherd. Glory to God in the highest. This is the day that the Lord has made. I shall rejoice and be glad in it. In Jesus name. 

I don't want to be a religious nut or a Bible thumper but these words are better than the usual angry negative words I used to always say. Over time, these words will take on a life of their own and a good life at that. 

I'm not a Bible thumper. I believe what I believe. You are free to believe what you believe and I would not try to convert anyone. To me my religion. To you your religion even if it is no religion at all. If you are a good person, you will make it to heaven. If you are not, hell is real. Try to be a good person, a person of the Light. 

Being a good person means helping others. Do no harm to others. Do not do anything that is a criminal act. Strive to be the best and most good person you can be. Live without fear. 

I've decided that I won't go to the Chinese Presbyterian Church. Half the service is in Chinese which is not a language that I ever use. I also just about never turn to Chinese language entertainment any more than I turn to Polish or German or French or Thai language entertainment. The only Chinese movie I rented at the Library recently was Lucky Grandma. Tsai Chin said that she was 62 when she was inducted into the entertainers hall of fame. So there can be things to look forward to when one is old. There is no need to fear getting old. There is nothing that isn't there when you're old that wasn't there when you were young. The trees, the sky, buildings, music etc is the same when you are old as when you were young. 

The more you go to a place, the more they expect you to go and might be disappointed if you don't go often. I would not be planning to go there often. 

I arrived there at 10:17 am. There were no cars anywhere on the parking lot. Not one. Empty. It didn't look encouraging. I thought it started at 10:30. Turns out that they started at 11:00 am. But even then, about half an hour before, there would be a few cars there. The ushers, the sacristan, the Preacher and assistant preacher. Nothing. Noone. 

Since I am experiencing constant anxiety and fear and depression, I thought visiting Chinese people would help me. Chinese people are very down to Earth people and they usually just wave away any depression, anxiety etc they might have. They would be a good influence for me. 

Next time, I guess. 

I stopped listening to Jean Luc Ponty music when I was about 32 years old. I started listening to his music again at age 51. However when Jean Luc Ponty recorded my favorite albums of his, such as Enigmatic Ocean, Cosmic Messenger, A Taste For Passion, Civilized Evil, Individual Choice and Open Mind, he was aged 35 to age 42. Too bad I didn't listen to his albums when I was the same age as he was when he recorded those albums. I regret that. I can't go back in time. I didn't think of it then and I was listening to other types of music. However music is timeless so it shouldn't matter. 

The Lost Ark with two golden angels on the lid. 

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was released when I was 38 years old which was the same age Harrison Ford was when he did Raiders of the Lost Ark which is one of my all time favorite movies. 

The problem with my nose is returning ever so slightly. A bit of hard mucus thats basically unremovable. It can be removed after time but the bottom of my left nostril is painful. Maybe it's a pimple or the liquid nitrogen I applied to myself the other day. Doctors have something called a differential diagnosis or DDx. That's a large list of symptoms in which doctors can narrow down to something useful. Only doctors have differential diagnosis. Normal people don't and looking for health symptoms on Google doesn't have that either. 

I ever so slightly worry that I might have nasal cancer or nasal polyps or mucomycosis but a few doctors have looked at my nose and all of them said that there is nothing wrong with my nose. 

Monday, March 7, 2022

I saw The Batman movie. It was a long three hour movie. The movie was quite riveting and it was one of the best Batman movies ever. It was a very dark and murky Gotham City that was depicted. 

Tuesday, March 8, 2022

Bose companion 2 series III speakers. 

Today, I got a pair of Bose companion 2 series III speakers. Normally at $129 plus tax = $150, I was able to get them at the pawn store for $100 including tax. They must have wanted to get them off the shelves. I saved $50. The speakers are $179 plus tax = $200 on Amazon, and that's not including shipping. I've always wanted to get Bose speakers. I never thought I would have them. Life is full of surprises. Bose is the BMW of speakers but is that to say tat BMW is the Bose of cars? Anyways, they sound very good. I've heard of Bose since the 80s. The Bose wave radio. 

These Bose speakers to me, sound as good as movie theater speakers and that's pretty good. They bring a concert hall sound to a small room such as is my apartment. I say apartment. Its more like a cell. "Maybe you'd like it back in your cell your highness!" Star Wars. There goes my budget for the month. Bose speakers is a gift that keeps on giving. I doubt that I would ever get better speakers. A few years later, I expect to still have them. The future turned out better than I expected. I never thought that I'd ever get Bose speakers. Thank God for the gift of life.

My old Labtech speakers which I replaced with the Bose speakers, well those old Labtech speakers had a light for on and off, it had an on off switch and adjustable bass and adjustable volume. The Bose speakers have no on off switch, no on off light and non adjustable bass although it does have adjustable volume. Still these Bose speakers sound a lot better than the Labtech speakers. To turn off theBose speakers, I will have to remember to u plug it or the circuits fry and the speakers simply won't work. This happened once on some other speakers I had so I really really really must and will remember to unplug the speakers when not in use. There is an on off switch. Just turn the speakers down. 

At the risk of triggering an anxiety attack I have to get obsessive and mention that previously, about 4 years ago, at the same time I opted for the $30 Labtech speakers, the same pawn shop was selling a Bose companion 2 series II speakers for $99. Those speakers have since been discontinued. As it turns out, the ones I have now, the Bose companion 2 series III speakers are better. The other ones didn't have a bass subwoofer built in like these ones do. Had I opted for the other ones I probably wouldn't have gone for these ones. The Church that I go to uses Bose speakers. Seeing those Bose speakers at the Church was a kind of omen that I'd be getting Bose speakers. I got the Bose series III speakers today on the same day that I saw my dear sweet friend Suzie. Oh Suzie! 

The first song I heard in its entirety on these speakers was Oh Suzie from Secret Service. I do love Suzie but don't know where this is going. I do have a plan B. The plan B is that in a few years, I'll move back to Vancouver. Vancouver is a great city. The Vancouver Aquarium is a rock show. A single entry admission to the VA is $35. However an annual pass is $80. A single entry admission to the Sidney BC Centre of the Salish Sea is $17. However an annual pass is $40. The next time I plan to visit Sidney BC is sometime in August 2022. 

Always have a plan B. If I move to Vancouver, I'd most likely move to the downtown Eastside. I might not ever move back to Vancouver because the downtown Eastside is the type of neighborhood where people walk up to you and ask you if you want to buy fentanyl or else cocaine rock or powder. Uh no thanks. I already have enough problems in life as it is. 

Authentic Chinese food which Vancouver has lots of and this town too, and salmon sushi and my Bose speakers have the ability to alleviate depression. I use my Bose speakers for at least 12 hours a day if not much more. 

If I had a BMW, I wouldn't see myself using that for more than 2 hours a day. I don't see that I would ever get a BMW unless a miracle happens. I'd have to redo my driving test to get a new driver's license. The trick to driving tests is don't go above 30 mph in a 30 mph zone which is near a schoolyard, the single yellow line is passing lane optional, the double yellow line is no passing, four way stop signs the first car goes first second car to arrive there goes second and so on, and right or left turn only lanes have an arrow drawn on the road. And pull over to the right and stop when you hear a Police and ambulance and firetruck siren. Use turn signals at all times or use hand turn signals if the signal lights are for some reason not functioning at the moment. 

Growing old is nothing to really fear. For years I feared getting old. I became old at age 50, now I'm 51 and there isn't much that is or isn't there that was or wasn't there when I was young. 

George Orwell feared poverty for years. When he attained poverty in Paris and London in 1933, he found that poverty wasn't scary, it was merely somewhat squalid and somewhat boring. 

Wednesday, March 9

10:40 am as I write this. I spent the entire day so far in fear. I smoked a tiny bit of weed last night. However fear pervades. I just feel scared. Will my fear ever go away? Is it my age? Most people my age or older aren't afraid as far as I can see. 

I feel fear today. I've been afraid for months. Wil I spend the rest of my life in fear? It's not a life that I want to live but live I must. It is my duty to life and to God that I go on living however fearful I may be. I have to live a good life and then maybe one day I can live the good life. The good life is to live in a rich place and not have to work for anyone who is handicapped in a wheelchair. 

I went to a Chinese restaurant today. As I left I forgot to say, "The meal was good." to the cashier. My social skills are awful. 

I paid a $5 tip at the Chinese restaurant. I had a large wonton with beef flank and noodles that equalled to $19 with tax and 6 Chinese pastries that equalled $13 including tax for a meal totalling $32. With a 15% tip that amounted to $37. Pricey. Food prices are a lot more than they used to be which gives me fear everyday that one day I'll run out of money and be broke and then starve and die. 

Thank God for the gift of life. Thank you God that you are helping me conquer my fear. I want to live courageous, carefree and happy. 

I want to visit Vancouver and stay overnight but I get hung up on details. I don't have a credit card. How can I stay in a hotel since most hotels need to see a credit card upon check in. Most don't even accept cash, only debit card or credit card. It was different a few decades ago where all you needed was ID and cash to stay in a hotel. I think that hostels don't require credit cards and most hostels have a private room option. I couldn't get my mind around a shared dorm room with 3 other people. I have stayed in shared dorm rooms in Prince Rupert at some place and the rent was either only $10 a night or free but that was 30 years ago. In Vancouver, the Jericho Hostel is only open from May to September. Other hostels like the Samesun and the Cambie Hostel is open all year round and a private room option is available for more money. A shared dorm room option saves money and most people are honest. They won't swipe your things or anything. Everyone is in a vulnerable position to have their phone or tablet or ipod stolen in a hostel but the vast majority of the time, it's pretty good and no one has anything stolen. 

Soon after my culinary adventure at the Chinese restaurant, my fear went away. I hadn't eaten authentic Chinese food for the longest time. The Chinese food at this restaurant was authentic because it is the kind of Chinese food served at a lot of Chinese restaurants in Vancouver all with more or less the same recipe. There is a je ne sais quois to the food that is instantly recognizable. It was the food I grew up on as a child and as a teenager. A person needs to reconnect with certain specific comfort foods regularly to keep the anxiety and fear and depression and also caregiver burnout and PTSD away. 

The menu of a Chinese restaurant has a few dozen items, but the ones I most gravitate to are wonton and beef flank with noodle, house special chow mein, congee and black bean beef with rice. Also beef and onion chow funn is pretty good too. I must remember to eat these regularly. 

Tesla purple plates. Do they work? 

Thursday, March 10

This morning as I awoke, I looked at the television screen as I play YouTube videos on autoplay all night to help me sleep. As I awoke I looked at the television screen and saw the front gate of Buckingham Palace and Buckingham Palace behind it. Ten seconds earlier or later and I would have missed it. An hour later on a walk, I saw a Police car parked in front of the painting of Queen Victoria. 

I checked and saw that Jean-Luc Ponty replied to a comment I wrote on the fan board of his website. He said, "Oh my, Thanks Dean, I appreciate!" 

The future is indeed turning out to be better than what I expected it to be a few months ago. A few months ago I thought I was doomed and I thought I was going to die soon. As I can see, I am still alive. What a week it's been. Bose speakers, waking up to Buckingham Palace on the television screen and a reply from Jean-Luc Ponty himself. 

These are moments that make me glad that I am alive. I'm glad I didn't do anything rash in the past otherwise I wouldn't have been alive to experience this. 

I might wait to go to Vancouver in May after Jericho Hostel opens. Hopefully I can get a private room. If not, it's a dorm room style 4 in a room sleeping on bunk beds. I hope that no one steals my tablet and ipod. Usually it's pretty good as everyone worries about that. 

7:44 pm A few minutes ago, I had another sudden anxiety attack. I may be brain damaged. Will I be anxiety brain damaged for life? This despite the announcement on the News that tonight at midnight, mask mandates in this Province will be dropped. I'm a broken man. I'm anxious wreck. 

"The rumour is that you lost your nerve." Ford VS Ferrari

I think I lost my nerve. Another night, another anxiety attack. When will this end? It's a type of anxiety that feels like a burning in the stomach. It is a type of nociception or perception of pain. 

Friday, March 11

Woke up with low grade fear. 0.5 out of 10. Will I always be afraid? 

I saw a crazy good video on YouTube from SteveWillDoIt. Steve was giving out money to people $4,000, $30,000 and then the video ends with him meeting President Donald Trump and he gives Donald Trump a $100,000 Rolex. Steve sells t-shirts and just one of his t-shirts earned him $500,000 in 48 hours. The video is called: Surprising Donald Trump with a $100,000 Rolex. 

I don't know if I could handle wealth. It would be too overwhelming and I have some kind of anxiety disorder. My anxiety usually comes when I think of  something I want to do but also don't want to do at the same time. 

Like yesterday when I saw Ginger crab on the menu of a Chinese restaurant on a website. I really wanted to try the Ginger crab but a crab at a Chinese restaurant costs $60. I didn't want to spend $60 because that's too expensive. Looking at the ginger crab on the website caused me to have an anxiety attack. 

The Chinese zodiac said that those who are born in the year of the dog don't care for wealth but are comfortable. That's me, born in the year of the dog and I don't care about wealth because it would be too overwhelming. Until I get over my anxiety disorder I could never want to be wealthy. "Poor and content is rich and rich enough." as Shakespeare said. I am poor but comfortable. 

Today, I got a shout out. My name was mentioned on Jean Claude Van Couver's video on YouTube: 10 People You Didn't Know Were From Alberta Canada. 

Again, the future did turn out to be better than I imagined. 

I have to be in a really good place to do my art and cartoons again. You will know I'm in a good place if you see a new cartoon from me. My mind has to be settled. Right now I have to work everyday for my handicapped lady friend. She just has to be there to use my energy, the energy of a talented artist. Why couldn't she use up the energy of a non-talented artist? Technically I could stop working for her at anytime but then I'd be abandoning her and she would deteriorate somewhat. My OCD and guilt compels me to work for her. I am decreasing my work for her in stages. But all 7 days a week I work for her in some way shape or form for usually less than an hour a day, heck, for less than half an hour a day most days. I really hope that she gets moved into assisted living facility for her sake and mine. Assisted living would take better care for her. It's cleaner and more modern facilities than this hotel. She's always dreamed of living in a condo. An assisted living facility is very much like a condo. 

I want to quit working for her but I can't. Hence my ongoing anxiety disorder. 

I do love her very much which is why I do the work for her. I love her like the flowers and the grass loves the sun and the rain. 

When I die and have a life review, like everyone else, I will go through a private hell and that is to experience fully, emotionally or otherwise the pain I caused others through my rotten words I spoke or written and through my careless even callous actions towards others I did in my life whether intentionally or unintentionally. I am not perfect. To be perfect is to have said no rotten words and to have done no callous deeds. I am far from perfect and I realize that. The only perfect person who ever existed is the Lord Jesus Christ and who can match his standard? No one. 

But in the life review I also experience the good deeds and kind actions and kind words I have benefitted to others. I believe that these will outweigh the bad things I did in my life. That is, I hope it does otherwise I'm doomed in the afterlife. 

Saturday, March 12

Apophenia. Seeing patterns that others don't. 

My apophenia made me think certain things about the Russian-Ukraine bailiwick. 

Wars are often about artificial scarcity and price fixing. Prices are higher because of the war. As with anything else, wars are about the rich getting richer and the poor getting poorer. 

Wars can be fronts for money laundering scams. 

Russian operates under a different set of propaganda. In the West, the emphasis is on the British and American empires. In Russia, the emphasis is on how many countries are under the control of the Russian Empire. Countries such as China, Myanmar, Cuba, the ANC countries of Africa such as South Africa etc All Communist countries. But the reality is that it is all one empire. The empire of the one percent, the empire of the oligarchs. They are all part of one big club. 

A rising tide lifts all ships. As the oligarchs get richer, bigger donations are made to Churches which can afford to dispense better food at Church food lines. Over the years more and more gourmet items have been available at food lines and better and richer gourmet coffee as well. 

Communist countries aren't all bad. They have certain rights and freedoms in Russia that we don't have in the West. And vice versa. 

You can't get involved in politics in Russia like you can in the West, but probably there is a greater percentage of Russians in happy relationships than there is in the West. There are probably less per capita problems with junkies and hard drug use in Russia than there is in the West. 

The war in Ukraine demolishes buildings which are part of an aging infrastructure. Then new buildings are built. There is an exodus of refugees from Ukraine to be replaced with new residents, carpetbaggers, Johnny come latelys, Americans and Russians alike who are friendly to the oligarchs and their unified World order. 

This would be nothing new to Ukraine. Before, a long time ago, Ukraine was part of the golden khanate. After Russian defeat in the Crimea war in 1856 and the Polish rebellion of 1863, Tsar Alexander 2 started a process of Russification of that region to prevent further rebellion as khanate locals were driven out and Russians moved in. 

Because of the pro Western pro NATO elements, Putin calls it pro Nazi, in the population of Ukraine, Putin now wants to initiate a campaign of the re-Russification of Ukraine. 

Due to the conflict, Ukrainian real estate would be at rock bottom prices allowing rich oligarchy and real estate conglomerates to get in on the ground floor and purchase huge swaths of Ukrainian real estate. Like the stock market, there is the option to purchase a single stock or board lots of 100 stocks at a time. One can purchase one house or 100 houses at a time. The houses would be under a real estate group and potential home owners would be renting under the auspices under a real estate group under the aegis of a bank mortgage. The real estate group would be the middleman in this case. 

Life is never all up or all down. Life is a game of ups and downs. 

The Ukrainian diaspora or diasporachuk and diasporasky who were the majority in their own country become minorities in other countries and are prone to be used and employed in menial work and volunteer jobs volun-told jobs without the benefit or right to vote in local elections until they completed a minimum residency requirement. 

The News also benefits. News operates in News cycles. Minor stories last about half a week but major stories, their News cycles are about two years before people get desensitized and no longer watch and then turn to other forms of entertainment so the News has to keep the stories fresh or the ratings will suffer. The coronavirus News cycle is ending. Time for the Russo-Ukraine conflict News cycle. 

Of course this is just my imagination. Possibly somewhat delusional. As I often say, because it's the responsible thing to say, don't listen to my opinion. Try to form a better opinion for yourself. 

I couldn't help but think that the name of Ukraine's President Zelensky sounds a lot like the name Kerensky. After the 1917 Russian Revolution, Kerensky was the Leader of the Russian Republic's provisional government for one year after which he was told in no uncertain terms, "Get the fuck out or be killed."

No fear today. For some reason I get fear if I smoke pot. The fear comes the next day and lasts for a couple of days. It's withdrawal symptoms from short term use. The trick with pot is to keep smoking it often and steadily and then you lose the fear. But of course a pot habit winds up costing money. Then on some days it's do you eat less or eat less well or smoke pot. But pot gives you munchies which make even plain bland food taste like a gourmet meal. 

I've thought of getting chili and pepper squid with rice. But chili squid is usually $18 a plate at Chinese restaurants. The prices have gone up for food but I've noticed that the portions are noticeably larger than it used to be. The higher prices are to generate revenue and turnover. Since restaurants acquire food at wholesale rather than retail, it doesn't cost them that much more to offer a somewhat larger portion. The other day, I got wonton noodle and beef flank soup at $18. The bowl was enormous. I remember back in the 80s, wonton noodle and beef flank soup was $3.95 a bowl but the bowl was smaller. If I was rich like Elon Musk, I could go to restaurants all the time and order what I want without worrying about it taking a chunk out of my budget. Thinking about chili and pepper squid at a Chinese restaurant gives me a bit of anxiety. I want to eat that, but to part with $18. 

The only places you can stay at in a town without a credit card are the backpacker hostels, the YMCA or YWCA, or else rooming houses in the most derelict skid row slum part of town. Most of those rooming houses offer nightly room rentals, heck, a lot of them offer prostitute trick room rentals at half an hour a rental. No credit card required. They accept cash and in a lot of cases debit card payments too. 

I often put some money in the collection plate at Church. I used to not do it. The ideal is that if I do that, if I ever want to find a new place to stay, the Church could help me with that. In the 50s, Churches were good at helping people find jobs, places to stay and even mates. These days, not so much and Churches now are generally useless at that although some are better than others. I worry about my future. Is God really helping me with my life or is it just an ideal rather than a reality. 

The NDE stories on YouTube are formulaic. Maybe it's an industry. An NDE stories industry. Even 100 Huntley Street has a lot of NDE stories maybe as an attempt to convert non-Christians or atheists into Christianity. It's so easy to make that up. Watch enough NDE videos on YouTube and a pattern emerges. There are recurring patterns. One has an NDE, SES a light, goes to the other side, sees angels or dead relatives or Jesus or God, has a life review, sees a boundary they can not cross and has to go back because God has a purpose for them in their life they have yet to fulfill, its not their time, and they come back. Sure they talk about seeing what the doctors said and can describe exactly the medical procedure done on them but they never go into these medical details in the videos except for slight bits here and there. But the stories do have some resonance and they make sense. I myself had some weird lucid dreams that resemble an NDE. Even normal dreams have a lot of NDE elements. Going to another world, seeing people that communicate with me telepathically without moving their mouths etc. 

I worry about the Truckers Convoy coming to this town. 

The Truckers Convoy seems too big to have been organized by just one person. A lady named Tamara Rich or Lich seems to have organized the Truckers Convoy and through donations from crowd funding sites, she seems to have gotten Lich or else rich from this. 

Tamara Lich would be like Helen of Troy, the face that launched a thousand trucks. 

Perhaps the Conservative Parties are behind the Truckers Convoy to upset the Leftist heavy governments in this political era. Anarchy from the poor is rebellion. Anarchy from the middle class is revolution. Anarchy from the upper classes is coup d'etat. As with virtually every major protest in history, the Truckers Convoy is a coup d'etat disguised as a revolution. 

The Right Wing Conservative Parties are powerful enough to orchestrate something this big. That one lady started it hardly seems believable. She's just a front. If most any other one person tries to start something like this, how far would they get? 

This town is a lot smaller than Ottawa. There would only be so much room for so many trucks. The Truckers Convoy protest in this town wouldn't be on the scale of Ottawa because of the size of the town. It's a small town. 

To be forewarned is to be forearmed. The Police would be dealing with the Truckers Protest if they decide to occupy the town indefinitely blocking the flow of traffic etc. 

Usually truckers facilitate the flow of food and goods. The Truckers Convoy would ironically disrupt the flow of food and goods. For awhile. If this goes on long enough and as the Truckers run out of money, local merchants could hire them to take on food and goods deliveries which would increase the local supply of food and goods. 

The Truckers Convoy in Ottawa was about Trudeau mandating that Truckers get vaccinated to cross the Canada-US border and that was a policy on a Federal level. The BC government stipulated no policies on truckers and the Province is already lifting pandemic restrictions. So what's their beef? This is a make work project on the part of the Truckers Convoy trying to keep the pot stirring. It's superfluous because no BC Provincial policy is leveled towards truckers and its redundant because restrictions are being lifted. 

Once the Right Wing backed Truckers Convoy has their way as Right Wing Parties get into power all the sooner, pandemic restrictions will be lifted but Right Wing Parties are known to be more militaristic and the country will be on a more military footing to deal with the conflict in Ukraine. Increased military spending and increased encouragement to enlist. Their Army, there's no life like it. I doubt I'd make it into the military. I'm old, over 50, I never fired a gun, I'm underheight and underweight and I suffer from a plethora of mental problems like chronic anxiety, fear, depression and OCD and paranoid schizophrenia and possibly some kind of autism which is not a description of a typical soldier. 

The way the World is going, I'm glad that I never fathered any children into this World. 

I already have a low libido aka a low battery, and erectile dysfunction. Throw sexual anxiety into the mix and my future is doomed. I wonder if God would help someone with sexual anxiety or would He say, "It's not my department. You're on your own."

Also because my personality defects, I would probably have a bad future. My personality problems are my workaholism related OCD and working for my handicapped lady friend with no end in sight to the work, and my other personality problems include picking up garbage off the street and throwing it I to the garbage can or sometimes even keeping the garbage for awhile before throwing it away and also my tobacco smoking pro Lem and sometimes I even smoke a bit of marijuana. All these things make me think that I'm going to have a bad future. 

Thank God for the gift of life. The Lord is my shepherd. Glory to God in the highest. Thank God that he has plans for my future which are good and hopeful. I thank God for having taken care of me all these years. I thank God for my good health. 

Sunday, March 13 

Morning. Calm, no fear. I worry that I'll be headed for another nervous breakdown if I have to keep working for my handicapped lady friend. I am unable to stop the work. It's 7 days a week although it's mostly less than half an hour a day of work. Less than an hour for sure. 

The dear sweet lady could be here for the next couple of years or she could be moved into assisted living in the next couple of weeks. Time with her is precious and should be cherished. I don't know how long or how short of a time I have left with her. I do love her very much. She is very sweet. So sweet that if she was any sweeter, she'd be a walking lump of honey. 

Hence my anxiety. I am torn between my love and concern for her and fears of working myself into burnout again or else another nervous breakdown. 

I went to Church today. There was coffee after Church for the first time in over two years. Although the masking orders were lifted, just about everyone in Church including myself wore a mask. 

I still am living in the shadow of an uncertain future. I fear that I will be alone and bored throughout my future. I fear that my future will be a lonely boring life with no passion. Still, even in the midst of my uncertainty I still have the presence of mind to write, Thank God for the gift of life. The Lord is my shepherd. Glory to God in the highest. I thank you God that your plans are to give me a good future. Amen. 

I donate to the Church regularly. I am somewhat superstitious about this. Last week when I donated, the following week I was somehow guided to get Bose companion 2 series 3 computer speakers and I got a $50 discount at the pawn store for them. Also Jean-Luc Ponty wrote me a response and Jean Claude Van Couver mentioned me in a video. 

The speakers sound boss, I mean Bose. It was a miracle that I got Bose speakers because I have wanted Bose speakers for years. 

Since I donated today, I wonder what good things will happen to me. 

One time I donated $20 to the Church and on that week I found a Paderno frying pan but did not pick up off the street as it was half black and burned and it was dirty and oily. That was a find of the century. Too bad I didn't pick it up. I told a waitress about it and she said, "Weird. I wouldn't have picked that up. I wouldn't worry about it." But that frying pan half black was there on the week that Gaspard Ulliel died. Half black is a bad omen. It's somewhat of a death omen. 

I already have a Paderno frying pan. Why do I need another one? Besides, I'm trying to streamline my inventory. I want to have a minimalist but also  looking lived in room like an IKEA showroom. Too many frying pans would defeat my purpose of living in a minimalist room. 

Amar Bose was a Bengali American. 

The Bose wave radio is either a copy of the transmission line technology that Benjamin Olney who worked for Stromberg-Carlson developed in the 1930s but the patent had expired so Bose could use it or else it is a miniature copy of transmission line technology that Bailey Radford developed in the 1950s.*

*source. Joe N Tell. The Secret Behind Bose Revealed. YouTube. Comments section, replies. 

The Bose Wave Radio costs $2,500 plus tax and shipping on Amazon Canada. Way way too pricey. Perhaps even a millionaire would think twice about paying such prices. 

Most unfortunately, I learned yesterday from a YouTube video that showed up in suggestions that I clicked on that Gaspard Ulliel died of a freak skiing accident on Wednesday January 19 as someone bumped into him and that led to his death. I stood in a minute of silence for him. I saw the movie Hannibal Rising which he starred in many times. 

RIP Gaspard Ulliel. You died too young. May you find the peace and bliss of God in heaven. 

The time on Saturday January 8 when I took my handicapped lady friend to the Church and a crazy guy was yelling, "Tell me why do I keep doing the same fucking thing over and over again?!" was an omen on Gaspard Ulliel's death. Bad rough edgy moments are often death omens. 

Angst. Tension. Worries of the future are with me and will be for the foreseeable future. I hope to one day be free from any mental problems. I still pick up garbage off the street and either throw it in the garbage or put it in my pocket and throw it away in a garbage can in my apartment. 

Do I have mental problems or what. This predilection to pick up garbage is my mind noticing and registering details. This detail oriented faculty of mind is what allowed me to make cartoons. 

I stopped making cartoons. It's an app that I tired of. My cartoons have few view counts, very few comments and most comments I have ever gotten on YouTube were snarky ones. This despite the fact that I never sent anyone a snarky comment on YouTube. That's the forces of life and that's the human species. Give out one kind of energy and get another and worse kind of energy in return. I get no money from YouTube and even if I did, I wouldn't know what to do with it. All things in life overwhelm my overwhelmed brain. I wish I was carefree and confident like I was years ago. Years ago I would have been comfortable with the concept of having a lot of money. Now I think I'm brain damaged. 

I have to be in a really good place to do cartoons. I don't know if I'll be in a good place ever again. My life is a boring merry go round full of anxiety. 

I hope that God can help me. But perhaps that's an ideal rather than a reality. I often think I'm all alone in a World if not Universe of random forces. It's nice to think that there is a God who is taking care of me but I need to see a definite sign of that. 

I have no ideas to make a cartoon. I have to lay down a narration or speaking track first. I don't want to make any cartoons that have little to no dialogue anymore. Making cartoons is too overwhelming. What if people don't like them? I've made cartoons where all the comments I got were mean snarky comments. It's just nor worth it. Give out something only to get another and worse thing in return. 

A French lady in my apartment is now in a wheelchair and today she asked me to help her sometimes. So now instead of helping one person in a wheelchair, it's now two. Out of the frying pan into the fire. Life always has a way of kicking me in the teeth. Why? I give out a certain kind of energy and get another and worse kind of energy in return. Why is that? Because the forces of life. 

But she would pay me well. $20 an hour. 

Another lady was helping her, but she got caregiver burnout after only two days. 

This French lady, I call her Frenchie, is somewhat mean. I've given her sugary sweet greetings in the past, "Oh hi! It's nice to see you!" only to get acrimony in return. She's often like that with everyone, not just me. I am not sure that I want to help her. She's only somewhat deferential to me when she needs something. She puts up signs on her door, "Don't knock. No visitors. I'm sleeping. Shut up don't knock." But she feels that she has carte blanche to knock on my door or anyone else's door when she needs something. 

I worry about the future. My handicapped lady friend said, "Don't worry. Everything will turn out fine."

I worry about some people in Church. I wished for the Church to resume the after Church coffee klatch. Be careful what you wish for. Now that it's resumed, there appears to be some delinquent people at the coffee klatch. Everyone can tell that they are delinquents. 

It wasn't a typical mingling type of coffee klatch. These who were there sat in a circle. The Priest mainly talked but occasionally invited others who were seated around him to talk. There were only two people who did most of the talking. The delinquent ones. 

Afterwards, one of the old ladies, named Susan followed me out as I left and said, "Those people who talked seem pretty distressed." 

I told Susan at the Church that I have a dear friend also named Susan. 

I was surprised that she followed me out. I didn't know what to think. I met her last week. 

Murphy's Law: There's always one more sonofabitch than you accounted for. 

I have to avoid those delinquents. 

The Church still allows them to visit. As Ann Landers once said, "A Church isn't a museum of saints. It's a hospital of sinners." So there's that. 

Some of the best people in society, some of the most well mannered were delinquents at one point in their earlier life. 

Say what I want, but those delinquent people seem to be without fear or anxiety. They seem to have a life affirming quality that I don't have. I wish I were more like them in that way. 

That Church has either somewhat snobby and stern people or else delinquents. What a Church. Why do I go? A lot of people there are all right. 

I got rid of a lot of my Star Wars toys. I want to have a minimalist room, not a room full of trinkets and knick knacks I don't need or use. I also don't want souvenirs of a movie that I hardly ever if ever watch on my blu ray machine although I do have all of the Star Wars movies on blu ray. I've already seen the Star Wars movies umpteen times already. 

I'm disgusted with the way that the Disney Star Wars sequels with Han and Luke and Leia turned out. Just disgusted. Garbage movies. 

And having Star Wars toys is a regression to childhood. I'm over 50. I'm too old to have Star Wars toys. I sold all my stormtrooper action figures and my stormtrooper helmet too. A stormtrooper helmet is nothing without the rest of the uniform. I never used my storm trooper helmet. It just sat on the floor taking up space. I sold it for a profit. All Star Wars toys, playing cards etc is a regression to childhood. I still have my YDD color changing light sabers. 

If I were to do it over again, I'm not sure that I'd get a stormtrooper helmet. 

If I ever move, I don't want to be carrying around all these Star Wars things with me to my new and hopefully rich and better place. My dream is to live in a quiet nice rich place with no loud or annoying neighbours. 

May God grant me clarity of mind one day. Thank you God for the gift of life. 

I donate to the Church and that money helps me with my problems. The Thai way is when making a donation to a temple, to make a wish or if donating directly to a Priest to tell the Priest your wish. If mailing a donation, write down the wish. 

With Christian Church donations, I never make a wish but good things seem to happen to me and I sense they are things that wouldn't have otherwise happened if I didn't make the donation. And all the time when I make a donation, for eg a $10 donation, within a week, I get the $10 back. Either I find a $10 bill on the street or someone gives me $10 for doing a nominal or minimal amount of work for them or I get $10 for selling a Star Wars toy I no longer need where otherwise it would have been difficult to get any amount of money for it or else I get a $10 surprise discount on something the merchant would have otherwise sold to someone else at regular price. Last week, I got at least a $50 discount on Bose speakers, usually $150 with tax, I got them for $100 tax included. That's at least a $50 discount. 

The smallest donation I made is $5. The largest donation I made was $20. 

The Church in a way doesn't need my donations. They operate on a hybrid model. Most large Churches get about a million dollars a year funding from the government for operating expenses and then they get money from the collection plates. Some parishioners are rich and donate a few thousand a year, I imagine. So a $10 donation or not isn't something that they're worried about. 

I also donate twice a year to a Police charity namely the Tour de Rock for medical research. I donate once a year to the city Police and once a year to the RCMP. I have been donating for about ten years or over. I think that probably relatively few people in the city donate regularly to the Police charity. This donating to the Police doesn't mean that I can behave with impunity. This donating to the Police means that I must do even more to set a good example of obeying the law. I have my mental problems and issues but none of which involve breaking the law. I wish to be completely cured of all my mental problems one day. 

Last year when I got extra money from government issued pandemic relief, I donated more than usual to Police charity. 

The Police are the thin blue line between a safe orderly society and an insane society full of anarchy and social disorder. 

One time on the day that I donated to the RCMP and I found a nice black navy pea jacket on a garbage can. I still have this navy pea jacket. I love it. 

Another time on the day that I donated to the city Police, I found a stunt scooter that usually retails for $200 leaning against a garbage can in front of my apartment. My neighbour tolf me about it. He said it had been there for a few hours. Lovely scooter. It was clearly used. But it was too heavy for me to do the twirls that I like to do with a scooter so eventually I tossed it. But that saved me from spending $200 on a stunt scotter to only then find out that it was too heavy because two years ago, I was at a skateboard and scooter store and was strongly thinking of getting a new gold coloured stunt scooter that was selling for $200. 

I only donate to people who are doing something for me. I have to get something in return. With the Church I get a full elegant ceremony that involves a lot of preparation and work. With the Police, I presumably get Police protection. There is the societal Police protection for the collective which is a given, but the personal individual Police protection for me, that's presumed as I make the twice a yearly donations. 

I don't donate to panhandlers or to those organizations that send people to solicit or else accost people on the street for donations because what do I get in return for it? Absolutely nothing. Donating to such entities is a waste of time. Such people are contemptible leeches. 

Something odious happened to me today. On my way to get pepper squid at a Chinese restaurant, on the street, I found a single 5mg  morphine tablet just outside the Library on Menzies Street. It was labelled morphine. It was sealed. I couldn't throw it away for some reason but I had no intention of taking it. I took it back to my hotel and left it on a ledge that people leave things for other people. It's gone now. Someone took it. I wonder who took it? 

I'm not a psychonaut. I don't know what it's like to take morphine and I don't want to know. Morphine is an opiate like T3 which I tried and morphine is like heroine which is diacetyl morphine and I tried that in the past. However, with the state of mind that I'm in now, I just didn't feel like doing it if I have no reason to. Even if I had a reason to, morphine is for someone in pain but even then, it just numbs the pain but doesn't address the issue on a structural level. Say someone has a broken elbow. They take the morphine, feel no pain but the elbow bones grind into each other more. When the morphine wears off, they're in even more pain. 

I think tobacco is a drug, therefore I have enough drug problems as it is with my smoking tobacco without adding any more. 

I wish I had never found it. Therefore it wouldn't be a figment in my mind as it is now. My old friend who was a junkie talked about morphine sulfate. 

Ever since my bad experience with the ecstacy tablet which I found and took and thought I was dying, I've made it a cardinal rule to not try any pills that I find on the street because that would be bad news. 

At the downtown eastside in front of the Carnegie Centre, people are selling all manner of pills and if I wanted a morphine tablet, I would take a trip to Vancouver's downtown eastside. Again, I neither want it nor need it. 

It wasn't as if before I found it, I was ever thinking that I need a morphine tablet. 

However with Bose speakers, I wanted Bose speakers ever since I saw that the pawn store was selling a pair of companion 2 series 2 or else companion 2 series 1 Bose speakers for $99 four years ago. I needed computer speakers so I opted for the $30 Lab-tech speakers. The series 2 would be worth $99. If they were series 1, they sell on Amazon for $38 so to sell them for $99 would be a rip off. They were sold at the pawn store before the series 3 was released so they might have been more expensive then. 

I see all kinds of sick drug paraphernalia on the street. I sometimes see syringes used for injecting intravenous drugs. I throw them in the garbage or else someone would step on them. The other day, I saw a blackened and charred glass pipe used for smoking crystal meth. I didn't even attempt to try to touch that. It grossed me out to be honest. It scared me a little bit too. Someone wrote on the internet, "If there's a drug that you could take that will be guaranteed to land you in prison, crystal meth would be that drug."

The World is worse than it used to be. Society is awash with odious pernicious drugs. It's just awful. It's not a heaven world. It's a hell world. 

Had I opted not to get the pepper squid for take-out, I wouldn't have found that ghastly wretched pill. 

I have to be prepared now that the Police might ask me questions about this. But given the number of junkies and hard drug addicts hanging about the Community Centre I don't know if the Police would want to talk to me about it. "Why did you leave it on the hotel ledge?" "Because I have mental problems and OCD." There's no remaining evidence so they might even think that I'm making this up. 

Morphine is doctor prescribed but unless you have a prescription, technically, its illegal. I only found a single tablet. Had I found a bunch of them, I would have thrown it in the garbage or be afraid to touch it. One pill is marginal. Having a bunch of morphine pills would be a criminal offense. I have enough problems as it is. 

I talked to my girlfriend about this. She said that I shouldn't take such a drug and that it's good that I didn't take that pill.

Life can be odious. It's very rare that I find strange drugs or strange drug paraphernalia on the street. People should be more responsible and not throw this garbage about on the street. 

What I'd like to find on the street is any Paderno cookware. A prime piece of Paderno cookware would be awesome. A half burned Paderno cookware. I don't know..... 

Susan Boyle is a great singer. I saw the Britain's Got Talent video of her on YouTube. What a great singer. I had tears of inspiration when I heard her singing I Dreamed A Dream. Incredible. Awesome. 

William Hurt died on Sunday March 13. He was a giant legendary actor. RIP. 

He was such a major personality that it's difficult to imagine a world without him but imagine we must. 

Monday, March 14

Spent the day mostly calm. I didn't make it to the beach. 

I saw a YouTube comment that I tried to find again. Spent about two hours doing it. Couldn't find it. It was a Polish comment that translated to "Beautiful. I can not get over that wonderful voice." YouTube comments are like clouds. Seen once and never again. It's rare that I can find a YouTube comment again. Just offhand trying to look for things again on YouTube especially the rare hard to find things can bring on an anxiety attack. 

I had yet another brain fart again tonight. I remembered the name of a jazz saxophonist I heard in the 80s just once on the radio. Now I'm thinking of searching for the name on the internet. I fear searching for rare obscure things on the internet. Some entities can see the things that people search for on the internet. If I search for it, everyone will know what a geek I am. As if they don't already. I probably won't search for it. 

The 80s is one thing. What if someone remembered some weird thing from the 50s or the 1920s. I guess that would be weirder. Especially if it's in the music or porn genre like remembering a musician or song from the 40s, a one hit wonder or remembering some porn star from the 40s. That would be super weird. Things like this can bring on an anxiety attack. 

But if I don't search for it, the 80s jazz saxophonist, when I die, I'd think to myself, "You had a chance to look for it and you didn't do it. All kinds of people look for all kinds of weird obscure shit on the internet. Nobody cares." I'm still scared to search for it on the internet though. Why bother? This thing, that thing, it's all just incidental. One more thing, one less thing. What's the difference? 

Tuesday, March 15, 2022

I sent a message on a message board on the website of a local Catholic Church which I visit often. I pressed the send message icon. However, when I do that at other places, a prompt appears saying that the message was received. I got no such prompt. I pressed the send message icon 3 times. After that I gave up. If I sent them 3 messages, I didn't mean to. I only wanted to send one. Due to a technical glitch, I might have sent 3 messages saying the exact same thing to them. 

I wrote, Thank God for the gift of life. The Lord is my shepherd. Glory to God in the highest. This is the day that the Lord has made. I shall rejoice and be glad in it. 

Whatever plans that God had for me in my life, I often think that the forces of life have forsaken me as I never got married. But who asked me to be on welfare my whole life? Why didn't I study at a vocational school and get a good paying blue collar job as an auto mechanic or else autobody repair? There is no money in cartoon animating or being an artist unless there is luck that is rare. People on welfare aren't exactly known for getting married. But with marriage I run the risk of marriage burnout and possibly parental burnout as well. Most people underestimate how prone they are to burnout until its too late. Burnout leaves a trail of persistent anxiety disorders that can last for months if not years. 

I had a minor incident of road rage today. I picked up some garbage off the ground at a crosswalk and a man standing next to me waved his hand as if indicating something. I saw just then that two cyclists were riding past me. Although I stopped in time and didn't step into their cycling lane, one of the cyclists said, 'Take those off, buddy!" referring to my headphones. I stopped in time and didn't even step into their lane but that cyclist yelled at me. He probably yells at people all the time. What a restless spirit of an individual. People work in patterns. The other cyclist soon separated from him riding in a different direction. That intersection at Fort Street and Wharf Avenue should have a stoplight for cyclists to separate cyclist and pedestrian traffic flow. 

Every day in a city, there are dozens of road rage incidents usually minor involving only a bit of yelling. The human species is flawed, having only a 115 IQ thinking that it can take on the Universe and understand God. How presumptuous. If the human species had a higher IQ in general, there wouldn't be so many road rage incidents. 

Wednesday, March 16

If Putin starts a global nuclear war, and if most if not all of humanity is dead. On that day, all religions are null and void in the notion and claim that there is a God looking out for and protecting humanity. There would still be a God, but a nebulous God of random forces who does not care about humanity at all. 

If there is World War 3, it's been interesting to know you. We'll all be dead in a year or less. So much for a God that's protecting you. Look back on your life. Hopefully you were a good person and did enough good things to get you into heaven regardless of religion, denomination or sect. 

At the end of it all, Ukraine might be partitioned into two countries of East and West Ukraine like East and West Germany wasas a Cold War iron curtain spreads across Ukraine. Heck, like North and South Vietnam was. That's usual in the Russian-West playbook as an endgame. 

Vlodymir Zelensky would be the President of West Ukraine and Russia would appoint a Putin loyalist as President of East Ukraine. 

But then East and West Germany reunified and so did North and South Vietnam. Germany separated in 1949 and reunified in 1990. Vietnam separated in 1954 and reunified in 1976. 

I'm guessing that if Russia tries to take over all of Ukraine, that takes up more resources, gasoline, etc, and spreads the troops out too thinly. They might decide to concentrate all their forces of the Eastern region of Ukraine and not the Eastern and Western region of Ukraine which wouldn't be as bad as fighting a two front war, but it would be close. Hence the partitioning of Ukraine. 

Germany, Vietnam and Ukraine are largely Catholic countries. Why does this happen to largely Catholic countries? 

Catholic writings such as Populorum Progresso, Laborem Exercens and Caritas In Veritate* talk about workers rights trade unions and public good over private property. All of that is very much like socialism or Communism which Russia is. 

*source: Breaking In The Habit. The confusion of Pope Francis. YouTube

The movie Breach mentioned that the former FBI Director who sold classified secrets to the Russians was a devout Catholic. There's the Russia-Catholicism link again. 

0.2% of Russians in Russia are Roman Catholic. 

I saw my friend Suzie today! She is a good friend but I don't know how much of a friend. I might move back to Vancouver in a couple of years. 

Last night I dreamed I was homeless in Vancouver. I did have a hotel to live in, but decided to be homeless for a few days. I then decided to go to UBC and to borrow a few books from the Library at UBC. In the dream, I visited a Chinese store. I spoke to the owner Faye in English but when I spoke Chinese, she was happy. A guy walked past making the peace sign. I mouthed "Thank you" silently. I had a bunch of coins, one of which was a 1972 two-nie. I had a small picture of the old K of Thailand. 

Then I went to another place where I saw a bunch of Thai Buddhist monks wearing bright orange robes. One of them said, "Bang Sue" which is the name of a district in Bangkok. 

When I look back on this time in my life in the future, I will barely remember the anxiety. I will remember that this was a golden time in my life full of good memories of friends who may or may not be around then. 

When I look back on Vancouver, I had anxiety etc then too but I don't really remember that. All I remember are times that brought me through from one end to the other to this time in this town today. 

All worries that I wouldn't make it through were for nothing. I made it through! 

Usually Debbie Hellion and the Apocalypse uploads a few videos daily. You could almost set your watch to it. She hasn't uploaded for a few days which leads me to think that she got arrested. She has been uploading a video that didn't paint Vancouver's Finest aka the Vancouver Police in a good light. The Police play a game of Goh. If you do something to them, they'll do something to you. If you follow a Police Officer on Instagram, a few of them will follow you on Instagram or Twitter. That's been my experience! It's all good. The Police are the good guys. As long as you don't do something illegal, there's nothing to worry about. Anyways, I'm guessing that Debbie got sent to the hoosegow or the Hilton or else to prison for a few days for mischief. I wish Debbie well. I would have advised her against antagonizing the Police in any way, but she's going to cut it however she cuts it. 

Oh baby! Oh baby! I saw a severely injured seagull in the middle of the road on Fort Street between Wharf and Government. Another seagull was next to it trying to help it. A car was going to pass that way but I temporarily stopped it and picked up the seagull and put near a building out of harms way. It's wing was bent outward and blood was oozing out of its eyes. There was a pool of blood in the middle of the road where it had been. As I picked it up and carried it to the side of a building, I said loudly, "Oh baby! Oh baby! Oh baby! Oh baby!" given my dim medical understanding, my mind always gravitates to the worst. I thought the seagull would be dead five minutes after I left it. Hopefully someone calls an animal rescue. I don't have a cell phone. I hope that the seagull goes to seagull heaven. Oh baby! 

Today at the soup line at the Catholic Church, I found out that a young girl who had been volunteering there for years sprained her right ankle really badly. Her leg is in a cast that looks like a brace. She said she had surgery on Sunday to put a plate in her ankle. Plates aren't there forever and they eventually get removed in a lot of cases. Oh dear sweet young girl. I'm so sorry for what happened to her. Sending her all my love in a Christian way, and I really hope she pulls through and that all will be all right with her. Love. Love. Love. 

Every 30 or 40 years, there's a nuclear hysteria. For those over 70, this would be the third time that they went through this. 

In the 50s, there were duck and cover school drills where students were taught to crouch under their desks and out their hands over their ears. Assume the emergency position: crouch down, put your head between your legs and kiss your ass goodbye. In the 50s, there were actual bomb shelters for sale and there was a trend of people digging up the ground in their yard to make a bomb shelter. 

The Russian leader of the 50s, Nikita Krushchev was at least twice as crazy as Putin. Krushchev used to bang his shoe on the table of the United Nations saying to the U.S., "We will bury you!" 

Leonid Brezhnev, Mikhail Gorbachev and Boris Yeltsin were calmer. Then along came Mr Nuclear Ukraine, Nuke-raine himself, Vladimir Putin. 

In the 80s nuclear hysteria returned with documentaries like 'Trinity and Beyond' and Helen Caldicotts 'If You Love This Planet' and television shows like The Day After which depicted a nuclear winter. In the 80s, there were peace marches. 

War Games was also a movie about the possibility of nuclear war. 

In the 80s there were peace marches. There was a peace March across Burrard Street Bridge in Vancouver and I was there at that one. 

In the 2020s, there are vague threats over the News and a plethora of conspiracy theorist scaremongering videos on YouTube about how Putin could start a global thermonuclear war. 

Strangely there are also videos that claim that nuclear bombs don't exist. That all nuclear bomb videos are photoshopped videos of ordinary large scale TNT explosions. Also the videos that claim to show nuclear tests are also faked and made with miniature models. 

Maybe I should get a shovel and some lead lined concrete slabs and go to a forest and dig out a bomb shelter in some secret place. I would need a Honda electric generator and enough non perishable emergency survivor rations like powdered soup and powdered chili con carne enough to last for 99 years which is when the radiation should wear off or not as the Chernobyl radiation won't wear off until the year 12,500 AD. I would also need a water purifier and a hepa filter ventilation system. 

I would need a liquid sterno unit for canned heat to cook heated polenta. 

I would also need a stockpile of heroin or fentanyl enough to overdose. 

Let's face it. It's been good to know you. If I survive a nuclear blast, I will look so fucked up as to be unrecognizable. Hopefully then, I could score some heroin and overdose. Maybe I should stockpile an emergency supply of heroin now in case of surviving a nuclear war. Never mind survival, I would shoot up, overdose and die before the bombs hit the ground. It's the only sane and sensible thing to do under the circumstances. 

If any nuclear bombs hit or disrupt the ocean waters, there would be a 50 foot to a 150 foot tsunami. Nothing in the city would survive. 

It's been good to know ya. Of course all communications like the internet and radio stations, television stations etc will all be gone after a nuclear war. There probably won't even be newspapers. People will churn out information leaflets using an old fashioned hand cranked printing press. That will be the only entertainment. Maybe you could find some paperback books lying around here and there. It would be awful. 

In the Bible, after Noah's Ark, God said, "The last time it was with water. The next time it will be with fire." That's global thermonuclear war. 

I took a sexual anxiety test on mind diagnostics.org and I scored a 23. Disappointing. The median score for someone my age should be 33. A lower score than the median score definitely means sexual anxiety. Well at least I got that going for me. Sexual anxiety can be cured with exposure therapy. The only exposure therapy I can think of is a $50 hooker. I haven't met any hookers in this town. There's an area that they are known to hang around in called the Rock Bay Landing but so far I haven't summoned up enough courage to go. Most if not all those hookers are drug addicts and I'm talking hard drugs like cocaine, meth and heroin and I'm not sure if I could work with that. Such is life. 

There's more hookers in the big cities like Vancouver or New York. 

Thursday, March 17

I went to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. I have a couple of cavities which are due for a filling next month. I wet to the soup ine to get the usual morning coffee for my handicapped girlfriend. It was raining. I spent most of the day at home. 

Friday, March 18.

I woke up feeling fearful and doubting that I have the strength to face the future. Julia Kristina Counselling, a psychological counselor with a masters degree said in a YouTube video, 8 Ways to Boost your Confidence, the mind is listening. Whatever you say about yourself or life, the mind listens and does not always distinguish whether you are joking or serious. 

Therefore I shouldn't say anything negative. I am a good person. I am a strong person. I will get over any fears I have because I've done it before. Life is good. This is the day that the Lord has made. I shall rejoice and be glad in it. 

Some people at the Catholic soup kitchen I went to this morning said that I do have the strength to handle the future and that I should say my prayers and to trust in the Lord. I surely will. 

"God please give me the strength to handle the future so that I may better serve you."

Thank God for the gift of life. 

The Lord is my shepherd. Glory to God in the highest. 

This is the day that the Lord has made. I shall rejoice and be glad in it. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, says God, plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. 

Psalm 92:14 Those in the house of the Lord shall bear fruit even in old age. They will grow fat and healthy. 

Hebrews 11:1 Hope is the substance of things hoped for. Evidence in things not seen. 

Indeed absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. 

I saw quite a few ladies whom I am friends with in this town today. It was an overflowing outpouring of favored ladies in my life. Today was a good day. 

Not that where I'm living is bad but I hope that God leads me to live in a better and rich place. A place that is calm and quiet. I have faith that God is leading me to a good future but only if I am good and continue to have faith and remember to give thanks to God and Jesus always. 

I hope that other people even the Police would want to see me move to a better and rich place. 

I saw my friend Suzie twice today. I could have seen her a third time but instead of waiting right at where her car was, I waited a distance away from her car at where I thought she might walk, but she didn't walk there. She walked to her car from a different direction so I missed her. I thought if I waited a distance away, I'd have that much longer to talk with her. I think I saw her car but I kept looking in the other direction from where I thought she might be. She wasn't there. She must have gotten into her car and drove away while I was looking in the other direction. I was totally crestfallen. My heart sank. I'll see her again in a few days. I can't wait. Anyways even if I did see her, the conversation wouldn't have been for more than half a minute. I love her like the fish and the clams loves the sea and the waves. 

Sometimes missing seeing someone lets me know more of what she means to me than if I had seen her. Oh Suzie. I either hope that it works out between us or else I meet someone else whom I love and respect as much. 

Lesson: if I am going to wait for someone her car, wait at her car. Don't wait a distance away hoping for a longer conversation. She might go to her car from a different direction. I'm totally crestfallen now and my heart is slightly broken. 

I saw another lady twice today. She is a blonde panhandler. Becky is cute and young, about 30 and quite pretty. However, she is always picking at her face and her face is covered with acne etc. I think she might be a meth head. I don't mind saying hi to her. I thought of giving her money but I don't want to contribute to her meth problem. She is another of the few lady friends I have in this town. She is just a casual acquaintance whom I say hi to. 

Although Becky is a nice lady, I like Suzie a lot more. Now that I missed seeing Suzie, I'll be missing missing missing Suzie all weekend into next week until when I see her again. Women have that effect on me. 

Meanwhile I have my handicapped lady friend Heather who is also very sweet. So sweet that if she were any sweeter, she'd be a walking lump of honey. I love her like the flowers and the grass loves the sun and the rain. 

When I told Suzie that I'd be waiting for her at her car, she said "No, I think you'll be doing something else." I said, "No I wouldn't." Well what Suzie said turned out to be true. I wasn't waiting for her at her car. I waited somewhere else. Also, after endless months of the same apps and not really trying any new ones, today I tried an app called Bird Sort Color. It's a sorting game like the test tubes sorting game which I also installed. Is it ever helpful to the mind. These games organize the mind and decrease anxiety. I only got one slight anxiety attack tonight. And also one other when I thought I would be all alone in my future despite knowing a few women in town. I miss Suzie and count the minutes until I see her again. I don't know if anything will come of me and Suzie's friendship in which case I hope I meet another lady whom I like as much as Suzie. A lady who makes me feel what I feel about Suzie. To me, Suzie is fascinating. She is like an icon, and an enigma to me. She's a super great lady. 

I met Suzie on the day I had a major dream about King George VI when he was standing above me when I sat at a round table. When I saw him, I said, "Wow." thinking that he looks like the guy in the history books. The same morning I had the dream, I went to the soup line and I told someone, a coffee server about the dream. I was so excited. Then a lady walked up to me and introduced herself. I asked her name, she said, "Suzie." She even gave me a hug. It was on April 7, 2015. I will always remember that. Forever. That's why Suzie is special to me. April 7 = 47.

With my handicapped girlfriend Heather, she usually goes to a certain women's center. Usually, it's open but at the time it was under renovation. I just went to her room and asked her if she would like me to go to the women's center to see if it's open again and to just ask them when it's open again. On the way there, the elevator opened suddenly as I pressed the button. There's often a wait but not that time. As I stepped onto the street there was a commotion and a row of cars passing and one of the cars had Princess Kate Middleton looking out the window! I looked right at her and she looked right at me. I saluted. She smiled at me with a smile that made me feel loved. I was starstruck all day. 

Trivia: Queen Elizabeth's first Corgis was named Susan. She had another Corgi named Heather. Another was named Emma. Another was named Noble.*

*source: marieclaire.co.uk

My first hamster was a hamster I named Suzie. 

When Emily Carr was in London, she was about to cross a street and a Policeman stopped her. Then a few seconds later, Queen Victoria's coach passed. As it passed, Queen Victoria gave Emily Carr a look that was like a loving mother and Emily Carr felt loved. This is in 'Growing Pains' , a book Emily Carr wrote. 

"The ring chose you because it sees something special in you. Something you don't yet see yourself." "Yeah sure." "The ring never makes a mistake." The Green Lantern

"You didn't find us. We found you." Venom

Saturday, March 19

Woke up heartbroken about having missed Suzie. 

I reflected that when you have a friend who is richer than you, how great and magnificent the rich person is and how heartbreaking it would be if that person rejected you. But God is more great and more magnificent than any rich person on Earth could ever be and God will never leave you. These insights come from God, which are thoughts put into your head from God. 

I saw a YouTube video that said indecision, confusion and anxiety etc are signs that one is changing and going through a spiritual transformation into someone different, better and happier. 

Slightly Better; 6 Signs You May Feel Stuck, But About To Experience A Major Transformation

This video appeared in YouTube suggestions and I clicked on it. This video describes what I am going through right now. 

This morning was not that great of a morning. Immediately upon waking up, I had quick fleeting thoughts about just giving up on life. However I also immediately remembered to think, Thank God for the gift of life. The Lord is my shepherd. Glory to God in the highest. I write this at 9:50 am. I'll find out how the rest of the day turns out. This is the day that the Lord has made. I shall rejoice and be glad in it. Any day could bring a good surprise. 

As much as I love dear Suzie, I'm not sure why me and her are friends. I think she's taking me down the road to nowhere. Or else I'm taking myself down the road to nowhere through being friends with her. I don't think I can live up to her expectations. She's not that into me and I don't know if I'm that into her. And then my handicapped lady friend Heather will be going into assisted living. I'll be all alone in my future. I have real doubts about the future. The ideal is that God will help me with my future as per Jeremiah 29:11. But is that the reality? I think that the reality is that my life is going nowhere. My future will be one of poverty and loneliness and boredom and depression if not anxiety and fear. So there's that to look forward to. But life is full of mind-blowing surprises. 

At Beacon Hill Park today, a very young little girl, aged 2 or younger smiled and waved to me. Even as I walked away she smiled and waved to me even then so I smiled and waved back. Her parents and other people were there and they seemed to be OK with that. I left very soon after. However that is a nice miracle moment that money can not purchase. It was a happy moment. 

I did an honest thing. At the supermarket, despite my food anxiety, I bought two crab cakes for $2.00. When I punched in the PLU because there was no barcode, it registered one crab cake for $1. Because I'm a man of God, I punched in the PLU for the second time and paid the proper $2. I'm an honest man of God and wouldn't think of ripping off the supermarket even for $1. I'm proud of myself for that. As I walked out, I doubted any good karma would come of that. But then I saw a large garbage bag full of empty cans leaning against a garbage can. I don't turn in cans and bottles so I left it there. Afterwards the little girl smiled and waved at me. That was my good karma for being honest. 

Last week in front of the Church, another little girl smiled at me so I smiled back and quickly left. Her mother was there with her. I remember as I walked away she was still smiling at me so I quickly smiled in return and then went into the Church. 

Those are heartwarming moments. I wonder what it is that makes that happen. Perhaps it is God who brings that about. 

I have another such story. Miraculous. About 11 years ago in March 2011, it  about a day or two after I heard that my Guinea pig Ginger died in Dawson Creek. I was on a vacation in Vancouver at the time. I was on the Skytrain. At Granville Station, I felt two gentle kicks at my leg. I looked down and a little red haired girl in a stroller smiled at me. That was the spirit of Ginger saying hi! 

I have sometimes wondered if I would ever have a daughter. I'm over 50 so that ship has sailed. Besides I think I would have parental burnout. I also often think that if I had a daughter, I'd make some kind of mistake, mess it up and be an inadequate parent. Again, now that I'm over 50, it's safe to say that I would never have a daughter. I neither have the money nor the inclination nor the skill to become a father. 

It's just as well that I never be a father and it's just as well that I never wind up with Suzie as I'm not a very good defender. 

I'm a coward. 

Tonight at 8:30 Claude, a person who likes to leave notes at people's door whenever he gets drunk got attacked my neighbor. Claude yelled that my next door neighbor leaves his door open when he smokes making second hand smoke drift into the hall. Claude visited my next door neighbor and they had a loud violent argument for half an hour. I peeked out of my door and saw Claude but then I closed the door of my apartment room again. I didn't defend my next door neighbor. 

Claude has also at one time or other years ago left a note at my door and at my girlfriends door. 

Claude is someone who closes all the hallway and bathroom windows on the floor in the winter and opens all the windows in the summer. One winter when the landlord didn't turn on the radiators, Claude went right up to the landlord and yelled, "Do your fucking job!" to the landlord and the landlord still didn't evict him. Often the landlord doesn't evict people who should be evicted making this an odd and dangerous building. In a lot of ways, I've had less problems in some of the hotels I lived at in the notorious downtown Eastside of Vancouver. 

One time Claude got into a fight with my other next door neighbor. Claude even stepped into this neighbors room whereupon my neighbor punched him in the face. Claude slipper fell off his foot and Claude said, "My slipper!" just like the guy in the movie The Polar Express. Claude called the Police in my neighbor that time and reported him for assault. The Police visited my neighbor soon after and talked to him about it but nothing came of it. 

I am between two nutty neighbors. One who flips out all the time. Bonkers, yeah? And the other likes to feed mice and pigeons all the time. The mice he feeds run into my room leading to an increase in pesky mice in my room and the pigeons have a urine smell and there are pigeon feathers on the hallway floor outside his door all the time. Worse than any neighbors I had in the downtown Eastside of Vancouver.  No wonder I have an anxiety disorder. I might move back to Vancouver in a few months. 

I got nothing going for me in this fishbowl existence of a town. Even Suzie's friendship is something that is going nowhere. 

Years ago another guy, an angry psycho guy knocked loudly on my girlfriends door down the hall and yelled at her threatening her. I looked and then went back into my room again. I thought that whatever I said would escalate the situation and there's just no talking to some people. I thought that whatever I said to him would be useless. If I used a weapon to attack the guy and if I injured or killed him, then I would've been charged with assault or possibly suffer a life changing injury as any fight always has that possibility. I did nothing. What a coward I am. 

I wonder if Claude's angry outburst is some kind of death omen as angry outbursts often are. I'll find out in awhile. 

This girlfriend turned out to be my handicapped girlfriend and in some ways she turned out to be more of a problem than than the psycho guy. I was always bailing her out when she got into a jam. She broke her leg just when the pandemic started and ever since then every month since has been a massive mega dump of work work work to this day with no end in sight. While others in this building got to relax and live a slower pace of life during the pandemic, she burdened me leading me to have caregiver burnout. With some people, however much you do for them is never enough. There's no end in sight to the work. She took away my inspiration to do cartoons not that doing the cartoons was ever getting me anywhere. It was a lot of hard work for nothing. Anyways, she has ruined my once in a century global pandemic experience. 

Maybe she enhanced it. Albert Camus wrote in The Plague that the only person who survived in a certain village during the Black Death was the grave digger. Work had somehow given him the ability and will to survive. 

Work is good for the soul. Physical activity builds up antibodies. Me pushing my girlfriend in a wheelchair and she is heavy has built up certain muscles in my body which wouldn't have otherwise developed. There are probably some martial arts stories about how women in their own way have trained men in martial arts. I always somewhat wanted to be Personal Care Attendant for the Disabled or a PCAD anyways. 

I think that there are quite a few people less capable of being a defender than me who have had successful relationships and who even have become parents. There are downright disabled people with some medical problems who have successful relationships and who have become parents. They might be cowards too. There might be hope for me. 

This is one of  Claude's notes. 

7 days and still no new videos from Debbie Hellion and the Apocalypse. I think that she might be dead. Even if she were brought to a mental hospital she could still use her phone to upload a video to YouTube. 

Sunday, March 20

Still reeling from Claude's visit last night. 

Feeling overwhelmed. Feeling trapped. Indecision. 

I've lost myself again. I will find myself again. 

In life, some people go through a few cycles of osing oneself and then finding oneself again. I'm not quite the same person whom I used to be. In some ways I'm better for I always remember to thank God. 

I don't get angry nearly as often. I've given up on anger because some people will never change even if you get angry with them. With some people, there's just no talking to. 

In the cartoon The Simpsons, a rabbi said, "I will meditate on God all day and all night."

Indecision, overwhelmed is a sign that I am going through a spiritual transformation in which I will emerge on the other side a better person. 

My life is a mess. I'm not sure that I have the discipline or the vision as to how my life could get better. 

The Bible says, Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding."

So there's that. 

I do want to go on living. I just don't know how things will turn out. I have had mid level anxiety most of the day. Surprise, a rabbi was at my Church today as a guest speaker. What coincidence because this morning, I wrote about a rabbi in the last paragraph. I spoke with the rabbi at the after Church coffee time and said, "I have respect for the Jewish tradition."

I hope that my anxiety ends and my confidence and happiness can return. I'll let you know if or when it does. Please say a prayer for my anxiety to go away. 

The anxiety hit me hard today. It's been a day full of anxiety. I'm in an abusive situation. The handicapped lady friend is taking advantage of my kindness. I've been her slave to whatever degree for 7 days a week. I can get mad, argue, speak logic, but with some people there's no talking to. She's in need and always taking advantage of my kindness. She's a taker. And there is no end in sight to the work. I think the medical industry will never take her to an assisted living facility. I'm on my way to caregiver burnout. Again. I'm also a victim of my own habits. I've become habituated to helping her. Also I'm addicted to tobacco. I also don't know what a good future looks like. 

I think I'm doomed to a boring and depressing future while also getting old. 

Although I don't have anything good to live for, I'm going to go on living no matter what. My handicapped lady friend did say to me, "You're going to be OK." 

I've had anxiety and depression for years and years. At this point I don't think it will ever go away. If it ever goes away, it would be the miracle of a century for me. And I thought that me ever getting married would be the miracle of the century. 

My problems pale in comparison to those of the people of Ukraine. I've said prayers that their problems be resolved and that there is a quick end to the war. Only God knows how things will turn out. I wish the people of Ukraine well. I also wish the normal innocent citizens of Russia who have nothing to do with the government and the war but are suffering economic shortage and sanctions that things turn out well for them. Russians are good people and like all citizens of the world often suffer under the duress of the consequences of the more dire decisions of government. 

Prayers make a difference. Pastor Joel Osteen said that there is half an hour a day when all of heaven stops to hear the prayers of people.*

*source: Joel Osteen, Pray For Others, YouTube

The Universe is so big, 27 trillion cubic light years and heaven stops to hear the prayers of people on a tiny planet. Wonderful. 

Debbie Hellion replied to someone in the comments section 2 days ago. . She's in YouTube jail. What's YouTube jail? 

The landlord is contacting head office in Vancouver with a recommendation that Claude be immediately evicted. This afternoon while Claude was denying everything, the landlord said to him, "You're a drunken person who doesn't know how to drink. You're attacking tenants. Pack your bags. You're getting evicted." 

An ad came up for an app. Due to a glitch, I missed downloading it. It's an app about interlocking tangram shapes on hinges. I thought it was called Flip Switch but is not. I want to see the ad for the app again so I could install it. I've seen it a few times. It looks sort of like this:

Found it. It's called Fit 'Em All. 

I uninstalled it. This game isn't as fun as others. 

I wonder what new mind blowing things that the James Webb telescope will reveal about the Universe. 

My Christian cousin Tom said in an email to me, even though I read the Bible and believe in God so do a lot of unsaved people. He said that he'd say a prayer for my salvation. 

How sanctimonious. I myself believe that people in all religions even atheist people, if they are good people will make it to heaven. He probably tried to convert my grandmother to Christianity even though she was a Pure Land Buddhist. My cousin doesn't have respect for other people's religions whereas I do. To you your religion, to me my religion. 

Luke chapter 18 talks about Jesus's parable about a Pharisee who prayed and said "How great is my faith, at least I'm not like those other profligates, scoundrels, foul miscreants, egregious delinquents, reprobates, fornicators and idolators." Whereas a poor man said," God I'm humble. I hope to be faithful enough." Who do you think God favors? The exalted shall be humbled and the humble shall be exalted. Next time he writes me a sanctimonious email, I'll send him these words as a reply. 

Tuesday, March 22

No anxiety for two days. No fear either. It's a miracle! Slight depression which I can handle and and a moderate amount of boredom. I can handle that too. Shrimp dumpling or Har gow dim sum helped too. 

If anybody prayed for my anxiety to go away, I thank you. 

Playing brain games like water color sort, bird color sort and block triangle sort takes away anxiety and fires up neurons in the brain. These games help with organization and decision making and calculation. 

Also Yogi tea, Restful Sleep which has a blend of valerian, chamomile, passion flower and skullcap helped with my anxiety. Valerian root is used in Valium. No wonder. 

I saw Suzie today. I told her that I think our friendship is going nowhere and that all that will happen in the future is that she will retire from her job and I'll never see her again. She said that she won't retire for quite awhile. 

I can get a no fee credit card from my bank then I can eventually vacation and stay at a hotel if I budget my money well. 

I need to visit Vancouver and stay at a nice hotel. Barclay hotel on Robson is nice. Main Street Hostel is good too. Patricia Hotel is near Oppenheimer Park, a place that is highly nostalgic for me. 

I could stay at the James Bay Inn in this town just for the experience. 

None of this is possible without a credit card and money. 

Why stay at a hotel? It's expensive and no smoking is allowed. At a hotel, I'll have to play apps on my tablet offline. Or I could use the hotel wifi as long as I don't do any financial transactions. 

I'm not sure I have the courage to travel. My courage to travel has evaporated along with my sex drive. I need to have the courage of Indiana Jones and or a Jedi knight in order to travel. Perhaps I'm too old to travel as I am just about 52 years old. Good God that's old. 

Wednesday, March 25

There is dim sum sold at Walmart. 

Today I got a copy of Dune blu ray at London Drugs. The digital code did not work. It was already redeemed. I've never seen that. The digital codes in new blu rays and DVDs usually always work. There was the Dune DVD at Walmart but I wanted the blu ray. Fortunately, regularly at $24.99, Dune is being sold on YouTube for $9.99. So I got that. YouTube HD movies are shown at 4K Ultra High Def if not 8K. It's worth the money. 

My handicapped ladyfriend treated me to a beer and two slices of pizza today. Sweet lady. I do love her. 

My anxiety is gone and has not returned. Whether in bad times or good, I will always remember to than God for the gift of life. 

Age 51 doesn't feel too much different than age 48. Age is in the mind. But at times age is an idea difficult to reconcile. Let's face it I'm getting old as we all must. Is there any advantage to old age over youth? In subtle ways, there is experience and accompanying wisdom. 

Friday, March 25

Thank God for the gift of life. 

A NDE experience on the Joe Rogan show on YouTube had an NDE as a result of an abdominal aneurism. He said that life is a gift from God because the body is complicated, made up of a million parts and all it takes is a smallest part going wrong for any random reason and that could send someone into an NDE or even death. It is a miracle that one is alive on any given day because God can take away a life just like that. 

Pastor Joel said, "The medicine might have its effect but it is the hand of God that heals." Valerian root apparently is addictive. I have to drink it only once every few days. But the Restful Sleep tea from Yogi tea company made up of chamomile, passion flower, skullcap and valerian really took away the anxiety. The anxiety would have gone away after some time anyways. Valerian root is used in TCM traditional Chinese medicine. 

David's Tea has a tea made up of Valerian root and caramel and coconut called Valerian Nights. 

I had the type of anxiety that just burned in the stomach. Food anxiety, indecision anxiety and sex anxiety. It has largely if not totally gone away. 

According to the website ncbi.nlm.nih.gov after googling skullcap and valerian root, it says that in some cases, valerian root alone or used with skullcap has caused hepatitis like symptoms. And in some cases liver failure. Best not to drink too much of it. 

I'm thinking of visiting Vancouver one of these days. Worries about what might go wrong and laziness prevent me. 

"If anything can go wrong, it will go wrong." Murphy's Law

The Vancouver Police said that there are 4 random stranger attacks a day in Vancouver. But every days dozens of people win some amount of money on a scratch lotto ticket in Vancouver. You have more chances of winning some small amount of money in a lottery than you have of being attacked in Vancouver. 

A trip to Vancouver for me is walking around Granville Street, walking along Georgia Street to Burrard and taking a bus to Vanier Park to visit the Museum of Vancouver and the Maritime Museum of Vancouver and then visiting UBC and going to Trail 3 and visiting the Museum of Anthropology and then back to Granville Street station and ring the Skytrain. Vanier Park and UBC has the sweetest and most heavenly geomagnetic vibes. 

There must be vibes just as sweet in other towns but I don't know about them. Vancouver can't be the only town in the World with sweet geomagnetic vibes. These vibes are tied to memory. I've had memories of Vancouver going back to the 1970s. I really wish I was in Vancouver during the 1950s and 1960s. If I had a time machine, I would certainly go. Vancouver was really heavenly then. 

In a life review, one can see what would have happened if this made this choice instead of that choice and see it in great detail. Does this mean that there are multiverses? 

Very bad news: I saw the French lady in a wheelchair today. She looks bad, real bad. Her face is bloated and looks as white as a sheet of paper. She probably isn't long for this World. I volunteered to go to a restaurant for her to get her lunch. She was real sweet to me. God, please look after her. I wish her the best and regret any hard feelings between us over the years. 

Normally, this would have brought about a wave of anxiety yet I feel very calm, no anxiety at all. 

The next test is to see whether I have any anxiety making a cartoon and going on a day trip to Vancouver. The cartoons, I don't know about. Any point that I wanted to make, I made. I can draw faces and other things and put together an animated cartoon story using mainly images. I didn't get any money from doing it. My dream was to be a professional animator to earn enough money to live the good life which means living in a rich place near UBC and owning a BMW. Marriage however, would lead to marital burnout and having children would led to parental burnout. It's better to be single and have a girlfriend. No marriage, no children. 

My taste in porn is off the wall as ever, granny porn and I'm not proud of it. Sexuality in terms of masturbation is weird and abstract. What one does when masturbating is in an entirely different context than what one would do with an actual partner. For example women use dildos all the time which is strange, although no woman would actually marry a dildo. No wonder I had sex anxiety although I don't have it any more. Before, even the thought of sex would bring about a paroxysm of anxiety with an unpleasant burning feeling in the stomach. I feel much better now. Thank God. 

Men looking at porn look at a lot of things they wouldn't necessarily do in real life, for example lesbians, anal beads, double penetration, gang bang, bukkake, two cups, costumes and role play, all kinds of bizarre stuff. I myself don't look at any of that. Except for the granny porn part, my tastes are more conventional and vanilla. But I'm almost 52 now so it's at the point that, "You're almost 52. If you're not looking at granny porn then why the hell aren't you?" 

Saturday, March 26, 2022

Incidentally, I saw a YouTube video thumbnail. It was of a collage or pastiche of faces. One of the faces was Pope Francis looking directly into the camera with a stern frown. I didn't click on to it. Afterwards I tried for ten minutes to look for it. I couldn't find it so I gave up. Often video thumbnails are deceiving. The videos behind them aren't the video you think they would be. 

Clickbait. 

My left shoulder joint where the top of the arm meets the shoulder clicks when I move my left arm back. I saw a YouTube video about an old woman who lost her shoulder and couldn't raise her arm above a certain level after years of raising her arm to the blackboard when she was a schoolteacher. What if this happens to me? 

"Doctor Fell holds in his hand, his non-Italian hand a fragment of an original note from Alghieri Dante." Hannibal

Non-Italian hand; you mean his non masturbating hand?

Anyways my left arm is my Italian arm. Maybe that has something to do with it. The clicking isn't painful but it's there. I hope it doesn't get worse. I also use my left arm to take my walkman in and out of my pocket to adjust my Sony Walkman ipod. 

Shoulder clicks can be remedied with certain flexor and extensor range of motion exercises and has to be done over time. It won't happen overnight. Through the course of a lifetime especially getting older, the body will have all kinds of minor issues none of which are a problem. The shoulder or scapula area has 4 main muscle the suprapinatus, the infraspinatus, the subscapularis and the teres minor. 

Most problems go away on their own over time as the body is designed in the DNA to heal itself. 

Painless shoulder clicking is common and normal. 

I'm amazed that my anxiety is gone. It feels weird but good. Even last week, multiple times an hour when I thought of anything, I had a burning feeling of anxiety in my stomach. Now when I think of anything I think either I'll do it later or not at all, it doesn't matter but with no burning feeling. 

I have moments of boredom and uncertainty but no fear or anxiety. Thank you God and thank you for all who prayed for me. This is good but I can feel even better. I need to feel glee, great enthusiasm and laughter and great optimism and excitement for the future. I need to have the courage and certainty to travel. I need to not fear being rich, not that I'll ever be rich. Stacks a' cash. Having money is overwhelming. Which is worse, having no money but having the courage and the vision to travel or having the money but also having no  vision or courage to travel. Two years ago, I had the courage and vision to travel to Europe. Now, I have no vision nor courage even to travel to Vancouver. I hope that my Indiana Jones level courage to travel comes back. 

Bruce Wayne is a millionaire and he has enough courage to be Batman. Now there is a rich man who has courage to travel. I'm sure that Bruce Wayne has visited Europe. 

If I ever get rich, should I get a BMW? What about an M series BMW which uses premium unleaded gas only which is even more expensive than normal gasoline? Repairs, maintenance, parking meter fees, a BMW or any car is super pricey. I would need a Bose stereo system too although the stock stereo system for a BMW must be pretty good. That's the impossible dream. 

BMW is a mid range niche market. BMW is not as sporty as a Porsche 911 targa or a Lamborghini or a Ferrari nor as luxurious as a Mercedes or a Rolls. 

People like BMW for their minimalist stoical practical yet yuppie rich aesthetic. BMW is for mid to upper middle class. Mercedes and Rolls Royce is for upper class. BMW = Bought with Middle-class Wages. 

I don't know why I want a BMW. Modern BMWs don't look all that different from a modern Ford or Toyota. In the 80s, a BMW had a unique look but that look looks peculiar and antiquated now. 80s BMWs remind me of Moonlighting and 80s John Woo movies and also John Hughes movies. 

With a modern BMW, you are just paying for the name like with a Nike pair of shoes or a Starbucks coffee. IMO McDonald's coffee tastes just as good as Starbucks coffee. 

If I had a BMW, I'd drive to Vancouver to explore Granville Street, Granville Island, Vanier Park and UBC, also West Marine Drive including Spanish Banks and the UBC endowment lands. Stanley Park drive is fun as well. Prime. That's the best places to drive to on the planet for me. Also Dallas Road Beach in Victoria BC is great too but it's a short drive compared to West Marine Drive in Vancouver. 

Oh what the heck, I'll probably never have a BMW. 

Sunday, March 27

Recommended book: 

Dr Michael Newton, Journey of Souls*

*source: Learning About Heaven. My Escalator Ride To Heaven. YouTube

I deeply regret doubting my handicapped girlfriend. I work for her a lot and the work is sometimes overwhelming. I do love her a lot and treasure every moment with her. She is incredibly sweet and she has a strong mind. 

Even though my anxiety and fear are gone, which is a miracle considering, I still think that I have some mental illness and I am not a perfect person. I wish I could be a perfect person. Perfect means no addictions and no bad habits like picking up garbage and throwing it in the garbage can be. I do that to help clean the city but also I remove anything that might be a slipping hazard like loose plastic bags. I am most proudest of removing large garbage bags from the middle of the road which I have done. 

Perfection means not having any doubts or uncertainties. 

I thank God for healing me from my anxiety. I still feel nervous and unsure about travelling long distances like traveling to Vancouver. I will travel when I am 100% completely ready. 

I went to a new Church today. I am very happy with it. 

I went to the evening portion of the new Church I went to. A different Church runs it but it is very friendly, all young people. I was probably the oldest one there. Young people are often friendlier than old people. Especially in this town. When I worked with young people at the Old Spaghetti Factory in this town, they made me think of going to Italy as I thought that young people in Italy would be that friendly. Their friendliness was inspiring. The building's architecture made me think of the 50s and it had a military barracks kind of vibe, one that made me feel at home. The future ie now, from what I thought it would be months ago turned out better than what I thought it would be. 

One day I'll quit smoking tobacco. I want to quit smoking tobacco. 

An old lady who I talk to at the morning soup line recommended me to go to this new Church. She used to go to that Church. This turned out to be a very good thing. I wondered if I should go before I went there but I'm glad I went. Very friendly people. Much friendlier than the old Churches I used to go to although they are still very friendly. 

Yesterday when I ate at a restaurant, I was directed to a table next to a window that looked out onto the new Church I went to today. The hostess had no idea. These coincidences are signs from God. 

I like older women but I also like younger women as well. Who doesn't? 

If I ever get enough money and courage, I would like to stay at a luxury hotel in Vancouver. It's pricey. One night stay is about half my monthly rent. But who ever heard of being afraid to stay at a luxury hotel? It will be a blast! That's if it ever happens. Luxury hotels are cheaper to stay at in Thailand. I don't think I'll go to Thailand ever again. I'm too lazy to travel to Thailand again. It takes money and courage too. 

If I do a cartoon again, the script might be:

I suffered from caregiver burnout for months. It felt like rocks in my head and burning coals in my stomach at the same time. I felt lots of fear and anxiety. After watching videos from Douglas Bloch and listening to Joel Osteen and drinking tea with skullcap and valerian root, I feel a lot better. The anxiety is gone. 

Please pray for a miracle so I can stop smoking. As soon as I wake up and sit on my chair near the television, I put on a YouTube video about a walking tour of London England and I then smoke my first cigarette of the day for the headrush. Which is a silly thing to strive for. Absolutely silly. It's immature and I'm ashamed of myself for doing it. My friend Carol said, "You'll quit smoking one day. Meanwhile don't beat yourself up about it. I smoked for 32 years and then quit."

Monday, March 28

Upper back pain. Pulled muscle. Suffering greatly. Started yesterday. Should feel better in a few days. Possible causes: Elbow and shoulder lifts. Poor posture, hunching over tablet. Resist thoughts of taking T3. I don't want to get stoned on T3 or anything else. 

When my back pain is gone, I will tell you. "Back pain is over" will be the words. 

I put pillows behind my back as I lean and hunch and slide forward on my bed playing the tablet. It's working. 

"Where there is pose, there must be repose." Iyengar yoga

Went to Chinese grocery store today. 

Time travel is one modality. Linear chronological time is another. 

The Universe is 27 trillion cubic light years. This is assuming that the Universe is 93 billion light years across, and is a sphere, si ce planets, sun's and galaxies are a sphere why not the Universe, and that the area of a sphere is 4 x pi x radius squared. A light year is 6 trillion miles. Light takes less than one second to cross the Earth and 8 minutes to travel from the sun to the Earth. 

That means in miles, the Universe is 27 trillion x 6 trillion cubic miles. Don't ask me to times that. The number is too large. It's larger than the number of dollars in Elon Musk's bank account. 

Maxwell's equation. Radio signals travel at the speed of light. 

To assume that God who created the Universe cares for humans on the Earth is extreme micromanagement to say the least given the scale. 

Quantum physics says that time travel is time experienced on an objective level and teleportation is space experienced on an objective level, God uses teleportation and not the traditional subjective modality of space travel to care for humans. 

If there was no God, humans are left to fend for themselves I a Universe of random forces, that force is entropy how things fall into increasing rates of chaos and disorder which is why I am glad that I never had children s due to entropy, this world will get worse and worse which it is. 

A child growing into a young adult has no good options. Crippling student loan debt or be homeless or on welfare addicted to drugs or actually graduate and become a doctor but only a half competent doctor that is generally despised and full of malpractice complaints. Anyone who has children either has a ego problem or else hasn't fully thought things through. 

Real estate is expensive, overpriced because it is a vector for speculation and money laundering. The World is hopeless and getting worse and it's difficult to see how even God could or would help. Entropy. 

I saw the movie Free Guy starring Ryan Reynolds today. 

If you're a video game user you'd see Free Guy as the main hero. If you're a designer you'd see Keys as the main hero. Keys was the name of the agent who hunted for ET. A female would see Molotov Girl as the main hero. 

This movie might be good as a sequel but any sequel would have a superfluous secondary story not as important as the first story. 

A new developer seeks to change or compete with the Free Guy program, or new enemies of Free Guy are introduced. Even if Buddy the bank security guard puts on the sunglasses. So what? 

Tuesday March 29

I saw sweet Suzie today. I think our friendship is a shallow one although she is quite sweet to me. I miss Vancouver and often think of going back but laziness and uncertainty prevent me. 

I met a new friend at the soup line. Janet is quite old and has a visible mustache and beard which made me not talk to her for the longest time. Once I got to know her I discovered that she is very sweet. She recommended the new Church that I went to a couple of days ago. 

Life is a trap. Now talking to bearded but sweet Janet is a part of the trappings of the trap that is my life. 

I hope that God can help me to be truly joyful and happy one day and not just free from anxiety. I don't know what my future holds. 

A YouTube video has these words, "20 years after my suicide attempt I saw that my life had changed and shifted for the better in ways that I could not have possibly imagined."

My back is feeling a lot better since yesterday. Yesterday I groaned in pain and had the pain grimace on my face. Not out of the woods yet but feeling a lot better. Last night I saw a YouTube video thumbnail, You're Going To Be OK. A good sign. 

Will Smith punched Chris Rock at the Oscar Awards Ceremony. I think that Will Smith held back a little bit. Will Smith was in the movie about Muhummad Ali as Ali. He's had boxing training. I'm surprised Chris Rock wasn't knocked out or had a bleeding mouth from a tooth knocked loose. 

I wonder if it's fake or a publicity stunt. Will Smith seemed quite angry. 

Who knows? 

Will Smith followed me on Twitter on an account called Will Smith Mind. I wondered if he was stealing my ideas because I imagined that I saw Will Smith Mined. The internet is ful of ideas. Anyone not just Will Smith can steal ideas from anyone not just me on the internet. Why would Will Smith bother? 

Will Smith did a movie called The Legend of Bagger Vance. It's about a man who lost his way but focused on his dreams and found his way again. I lost my way. I hope I find my way again. 

Back pain is over. Just one day later. 

Wednesday, March 30

I saw Suzie today. I saw her about to leave and thought she was going to leave through the usual exit. She left through another exit so I just missed her. Result: yet another broken heart. What were the chances of that? 

In my life, quite a few ladies have given me a broken heart, Maria, Bettina, Emma, Heather and Suzie. This means that I have a heart. 

However this is unreasonable. Suzie never ever gave me any indication that she is interested in being anything more than just good friends. Could I blame her? I don't blame her for that at all. 

If I have a broken heart it's not of her doing but of mine. If she did show me that she was interested in something more than it would truly be her who gave me a broken heart. See how that works? 

Pastor Joel Osteen said that if one person walks away it is because God is setting up someone better for you. 

I saw a commercial years ago, "Take time to smell the flowers. Don't worry about the little things. Take it slow and when you finally meet the one, you'll know it. You'll just know." 

I don't think that Suzie is the one. So to have a broken heart over Suzie is irrevelant and extraneous. 

To be even more honest, I don't masturbate thinking about Suzie. One time I was in Church and sat next to a sexy older woman. She is married. After Church I went home and masturbate three times thinking about her. I drained the swamp thinking about her. I never drained the swamp thinking about Suzie. The woman who likes me as much as I like her and who gives me signs that she is interested in being more than friends and who makes me drain the swamp, she would be The One. 

Today, I saw the 'young girl' who works at the soup line. She gave me a full two litre carton of chocolate milk. 

I saw sweet Janet today. 

Then I took my handicapped lady friend around the block so she wouldn't be stuck in her apartment 24 hours a day. 

I went to the beach today and I got a bag of 8 snow crab cakes for $15. But last week they were on special for $8 a bag. I missed the special just like I missed Suzie. 

I won't travel to Vancouver unless I'm not 100% but at least 150% ready to go. 

Following a supposed vision of the furthest extent to the future, my handicapped lady friend Heather will be sent to assisted living and Suzie will quit or retire from her job and I will be left all alone in this World. 

God might not help me find The One as God isn't guaranteed to help everyone in that way. God helps everyone but in different ways and not in the way they would expect. 

In the book Wisdom of Souls, a man found it very difficult have any relationships with women due to his anxiety. The book said that it meant that in the afterlife he is destined to be a guide to help others in the same situations. Sometimes one goes through certain things so as to be a guide in the afterlife to those facing the same situations. 

Oh Suzie! Oh Suzie! Oh Suzie! I still have a broken heart for having just missed another chance to talk to her. A broken heart is the most calamitous thing. 

Before when I uploaded a picture I drew on Flip a Clip to Google photos, a copy of that picture would automatically go to my 'Shared' folder and would also appear in the 'Recent' folder for downloading to Blogger dot Com. 

Now none of that happens. No copy of the drawing goes to my 'Shared' folder like it should and no copy of it goes to the 'Recent' folder. 

I can still get the drawing for Blogger if I go to my Google photos folder when the prompt for uploading pictures for Blogger dot Com appears. 

Oh well, just some new crap to get used to. I saw a notification that says app permissions are revoked if the app hasn't been used for three months for security purposes. This means that if you haven't used an app for three months, the app has to somehow ask you for permission to go into your files, photos etc again. Maybe this has something to do with it. 

Who cares? That's just cosmetic. As long as I can share the drawing on blogger and if I need the picture in the future, I just go to blogger, view the actual page and download it from there. 

YouTube can't access my Flip A Clip account like it used to. Flip A Clip did an update to renovate itself. Until YouTube can access my Flip A Clip Account, I won't be able to upload my latest 10 second cartoon. YouTube lost out. Will let you know when or if the situation changes. Good thing I did a 10 second cartoon rather than a two minute cartoon before finding this out. 

I finally was able to upload my brief cartoon to YouTube. I used Flip A Clip's in-app feature to upload to YouTube just like I did it in the early days of Flip A Clip before it was recently updated and renovated. For awhile I used YouTube's feature to scoop the video directly from my tablet as completed projects were automatically deposited into video files of my tablet. Not anymore. Oh well at least the video made it to YouTube even though I had to use the in-app feature as six of one is half a dozen of the other. 

Yesterday night, I heard two Mysterious Traveler stories. 

The Man From Singapore - A man from Singapore tries to blackmail a couple. The wife being the more adventurous one decides to kill him. They knock him out and drive him to a cliff. The couple pushes the car off the cliff with the man inside the car. Wanting to make sure he's dead they place him in a river face down to drown him. The Police question the couple and use an old Police trick to get a confession. 

Out of the Past - Another blackmail story. A mysterious man with an accent attempts to blackmail $500,000 from a woman and her bank account. The woman is married to a famous stage actor. The black mailer attempts to divulge her secret to her husband and if he finds out, the marriage is over. Turns out the black mailer was her husband all along using a strange accent. His gift for accents comes from his stage acting craft. 

I left out a few details. You'd have to hear the Mysterious Traveler radio show on YouTube to get the rest. In the old days radio was the principal for if enertainment before the advent of television. 

Today I seen a lady I hadn't seen for a long time. She isn't doing well and has gone downhill. This is somewhat of an intense event and gives me slight anxiety. I used to say, a year later, ten years later I will look back on this and laugh. Now that I'm over 50, I wonder if I would actually still be around in ten years to laugh about it. Sometimes I doubt I would even be around in one year given my anxiety disorder. Thank God for the gift of life. She was probably happy to see me so there's nothing to be anxious about. It was chance and coincidence that I saw her. First YouTube wouldn't work for Flip A Clip and I visited my girlfriend to tell her that. Then Flip A Clip worked for YouTube and when I went to visit my girlfriend again to tell her, that's when I ran into this lady. Had the YouTube Flip A Clip thing worked the first time, I wouldn't have visited my girlfriend again and I would have missed seeing this lady. 

Hunger can bring about anxiety. Also a sudden temperature change as the hypothalamus which is responsible for anxiety is also responsible for regulating and detecting sudden changes in body temperature. 

Having sex can bring about anxiety. Did I do something wrong? I did something intense. Again. A Catholic might think, "Did I sin again?"

Ride on any bus, probably half the people on the bus had some heavy duty sex the previous evening. No one can pick out who did and who didn't except for Sherlock Holmes. So don't worry about it. 

Thursday, March 31

I woke up with a broken heart thinking about having missed Suzie. I had another weird dream. Again. 

Overall, things are better than they were a few months ago with the constant extreme pervasive fear and also the anxiety attacks. The anxiety was a kind that burned my stomach. 

I did cartoons and dream drawings again for the first time in a long time. 

I have rattling ear wax in my left ear I can't get rid of. 

Today I went to the Royal BC Museum. It was the last day of the Orcas exhibit. 

On the way out, a family was walking in the opposite direction and I noticed a child, a boy of about 8 years old giving me a very mean look. I looked back to make sure and he was still giving me a very mean look. It got to me. I don't like precocious children. 

Why worry about someone I'll never see ever again? 

One time in Thailand a child said something rude to me and I said to my Thai friend, "What an asshole."

He said, "You are asshole." 

I said, "Why?" 

He said, "Because you care about the words of a baby." 

People work in patterns and that boy probably gives lots of people a mean look. I doubt that would be the first or last time he does something like that. 

The Buddha said that you can find out about a person's past life and future life through looking at their present life. I think that child might grow up to be some kind of criminal or someone unsavory. 

Suzie once said to me, "Don't take things personally. Some people are in a lot of pain." 

I'm glad I never had any children. Better no child than a hated precocious child. Schoolteachers must go through hell teaching a classroom full of mostly precocious children or they know how to keep them in line. 

"How much sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child." Shakespeare, King Lear

For seven months, an old lady at the soup line had been recommending that I watch the movie CODA. Children of Deaf Adults. I watched half of it on Firefox but the browser is glitchy. The old lady even bragged that the movie she recommended won the Oscar for Best Movie. No car chases, no gunfight no explosions, that's the kind of art house movies that usually get the best movie award. 

The movie is about a fishing family, most of them deaf except for the daughter. The daughter joins the school choir. Outpriced due to regulations, the family decides to sell the fish independently on their own. That's when the movie stopped. I'll try to see the rest of it. 

They are able to sell fish independently. The daughter is torn between her singing career and working for her parents on the fishing boat. She attends auditions and applies to Berkeley University. 

Spoiler: Don't read the rest if you don't want to know how the movie ends: 

Spoiler: She gets accepted into Berkeley and her father tells her to "Go!" as she is freed from working for her handicapped family and released into the freedom of following her dreams. She leaves in tears. 

This movie provides a happy ending scenario for those who are burdened with caring for someone or else a few people who are disabled in whatever way. That all situations are temporary and the light at the end of the tunnel is reprieve and freedom. 

Now I can tell that old lady that I finally saw the movie. 

About a month ago, the medical stool which my handicapped girlfriend needs to sit on to have a nurse give her a bath broke and she hasn't had a bath for a month. She declined my offers to give her a bath. She declined my offer to go to a medical supply store to purchase a stool for her but how much do they cost? The nurse said he would get her another stool but a month has passed and it still hasn't happened. She still seems quite chipper and doesn't smell too much. But I wonder about the state of the medical industry in Canada. From what I've seen, their often inept and incompetent way they put on her knee brace and now no bath stool for a month, I really worry about putting my life in the hands of so many quacks and incompetents of the medical industry when the end of my life comes. 

My worries about the future are profound, deep, and endless. I really wonder if God would bother to care for my future. I predict a dismal boring future for myself, doomed, alone and saturated with poverty and despair. In all probability, God won't help me. He only helps very few people if any at all. God is a God of random entropic forces. I still thank God for the gift of life which is better than abject negativity which can lead to emotional burnout but I wonder if that really makes a difference. 

Actually all industries are incompetent. The Justice industry is incompetent. So many criminals are released on to the streets and crime has never stopped. The religion industry is incompetent. So many cults and denominations and they are all adversarial to one another each claiming to be the one true key to salvation. How insufferable. 

I only have so much faith in the human species and no more. I'm glad I never had any children. I'm glad I didn't personally do my part to perpetuate this scourge of a species known as the human species which incidentally shares 60% of their DNA with insects. I'm not surprised to know that. They way humans move and scurry and think, from a distance, from a drone seeing humans move around in a city is like seeing cockroaches moving around in a jar. 

There is so much I don't like about life and never did like about life. Fortunately I won't live forever and this is the answer to address this. 

Living is for the things I like about life and dying is for the things I don't like and never have liked about life. I don't like the fact that there are different languages. There should only be one language and that is English. 

One language, I won't name the language, every time you want to write a new word, you have to learn to draw a new picture. That language is tonal and monosyllabic. The concept of syllables doesn't exist in that language and that language has no capital letters. No acronyms too. The sounds of that language doesn't match the elegance of the script. The script of characters of that language look somewhat elegant and beautiful but the spoken words of that language sound vulgar like "Ching ah, Chong ah, hie ya, hie ya!" 

Another language doesn't have spaces between words. Each entire sentence is written like a single word. 

Stupid languages. I never did like that about life. One day I'll die and then I won't have to worry about that bullshit anymore. In the afterlife, the language is a Universal type of telepathy where everyone can understand one another regardless of what language they spoken in life. If anyone has had a dream where someone who spoke a different language that they don't know were still able to impart a verbal message that could be understood. They speak in their language and there is a telepathic filter language decoder so that their words reach you in English if you speak English. That's a better set of physics than what you get in life. 

Often spirits speak in truncated brief and often half sentences just like in texting.*

*source: psychic Matt Fraser said that spirits often speak in quick half sentences. This can be experienced if you pay attention to what people say to you in dreams. 

If God has no more use for me in life, I hope that he takes me out in my sleep quickly and painlessly ASAP. Life is as useless to me as I am to life. 

All of my friendships are roads to nowhere. Ad nil. I have no meaningful friendships. Only bullshit go nowhere friendships. Why do I even bother? 

I won't ever kill myself. I leave my life in God's hands. But I wonder if he would or could end my life quickly and painlessly whenever it is of earliest convenient for Him to do so. 

I don't think that the World has a good future. Living is a waste of time and energy and to have any children is stupid under such circumstances.