June 2022

Wednesday, June 1, 2022

I promised myself that I would go to Vancouver this week. I'm not going. I am currently under a state of anxiety as bad as ever. I also promised myself that I would visit Debbie Hellion at Tellier Tower and get a selfie with her. That place has a very rough crowd in front of it. Amongst the roughest in Canada. Why do I have these notions and then feel that I have to act on it?

I just visited Vancouver less than five weeks ago. Why do I have to go again so soon? I thought of visiting Jericho Hostel just because it's there. Do I also have to visit the Egyptian pyramids or Buckingham Palace just because it's there? I also told some people that I was going to Vancouver either this week or next week. Why do I have to do it? I should only go if I feel more than ready to go. I don't want to go under a lot of anxiety. I'm not going. I also wrote Debbie Hellion in the comments section of her videos that I might visit her. I think she would understand if I didn't visit.

The anxiety is just as bad as ever. I won't go to Vancouver despite what I told people. I am afraid of myself and that is a fear that there is no escape from. I fear my notions and my idiosyncrasies, my tendencies and bad habits. One day things will be all right. This is just a phase I'm going through. I'm sure I'll go to Vancouver again one day or not. Maybe I'll go next year or the year after. If I went again in less than two months, what. Am I supposed to go every two months? I'm a mental wreck. I wonder when or if I'll ever get better. I hope that God helps me. I thought I'd get better when Heather moves out and I don't have to help her everyday. Since she moved out, I'm just as anxiety ridden as ever. It's the same irrational fear as a prisoner has once he's been released into freedom and into the larger world. Anything new and uncertain can bring about anxiety until one gets used to it. Why did I tell all those people that I would go to Vancouver? I really don't feel like it. My notion was that I'd go as the days are getting longer. The days get shorter after June 21. That's a silly reason to go. I don't know how or why I'd be willing to live in a hostel with 3 other people in the same room. Usually I stay alone in a hotel room. I really don't have to go. 

If I don't go then I'm stuck with the same repetitive boring fishbowl existence. I'd be stuck with that anyways after any trip to Vancouver. I thought I'd see the neon display at the Museum of Vancouver again which is only on until July. But I already saw it! 

That's the way it is with me today. 

It's all about moving forward because that is the Order. One only grows older and not younger because that is moving forward according to Order. Even when one is old and sick and about to die, that is not the end, that is the precursor to a new beginning. Don't be afraid of growing older and old age. That is moving forward according to Order. 

Fear and anxiety is just a phase. Given enough time, the mind shifts. The mind can not hold on to a thought or even a set of thoughts forever. 

Building roots in a town means that one day I will feel a connection to this town where I will not only be able to visualize the streets and see into the distance stretching to forever, I will also be able to imagine any time in the past in this town and feel totally at home and nostalgic about it. I would be able to think of this town in the 40s, the 5ps, the 60s, the 70s, etc and feel right at home and nostalgic about it. I would feel a homesickness for this town while I'm here. This feeling can not be chased after. This feeling will come when least expected. Anyone in any town can feel this feeling. 

Thursday, June 2, 2022

Despite telling a few people that I'd be visiting Vancouver this week or even next week, I decided to space the visits out and perhaps visit in August or even September. That's if I visit then. One visit to Vancouver every year or two years is good enough. Two visits a year would be maximum that's if I could afford it. If I visit twice in a year, I'd wait two years minimum until the next visit. 

I also don't want to stay in a hostel. Staying Ina room with three other people doesn't seem like optimal circumstances. Also traveling for more than one day would be expensive. It would be two days maximum. Stay in a hotel where I get a room to myself overnight. 

The hostel I was thinking of staying at doesn't have a wall plug in in all rooms. Without a wall plug in, I can't charge my tablet, iPod etc. If a person had a radio that just runs on batteries, that would be one thing. 

Don't drink champagne on a beer budget. Don't travel if you can't afford it. 

Also Debbie has a very controversial personality. There's no telling what she would say or how she would react if I were to visit her. She is very Mercurial and would be likely to start an argument with me. I don't know if I'd ever be willing to meet her although I would always be a fan of her work. I always wish her the best. That's besides the fact that she lives in a very rough part of town. 

I'll wait until August or even September. Even then, I might not go. 

Wondering how will I make it through the next 20 years or even how will I make it through the day can cause anxiety. If you break it down to, can I make it through the next five minutes, there is less anxiety. Being in a situation where you feel trapped can bring about anxiety. Drinking too much caffeine can cause anxiety. 

I found out today that Ray Liota died on May 26. He was a major actor. I remember his role in Hannibal as Senator Paul Krendler. Rip. Ray, I hope you are in a better place with the angels in heaven. I hope that there is a heaven otherwise we are all being taken for a ride. 

The afterlife should neither be much better or much worse than the life that we have now otherwise, it should be the same, no better or worse. Otherwise, 

If it's better: Then life here is a substandard inferior experience and therefore pointless and a waste of time. 

If it's worse: Any good things done, any complex things strive for and any lessons learned is a waste of time and pointless. In this case then, the evil that men do love long after them, the good oft lies interred with their bones as Shakespeare said. 

I have food anxiety. Looking at the menus of restaurants. Food is so expensive these days. And then why be so picky? This food, that food, what's the difference? Food being so expensive makes it scary to order thus causing anxiety. A lot of rich people being misters have an underlying fear that if they spend too much money on restaurant food, they'll wind up being broke. 

In that way, I envy the dead. They are in an existence where they don't have to eat nor spend money on eating because there is no money. Money gets things the physical body needs which a person as a ghost or spirit in the afterlife does not need. We need money for:

Travel on vehicles because walking is strenuous - in the afterlife you teeport or float or fly everywhere you go. 

Worries about spending too much money and winding up broke - in the afterlife money is not needed or otherwise only appears when needed and only for symbolic to make a point or ceremonial reasons. 

Eat or starve - spirits in the afterlife don't need to eat to survive. They don't need to eat at all. 

A nice luxurious place to sleep - spirits in the afterlife don't sleep. 

Doctors and medical treatment - there is no pain or medical illness in the afterlife. No more back aches and pains. 

A nice watch or digital clock - the afterlife exists on a different time modality algorithm dynamic. Time travel is time experienced on an objective level vs linear time which is time experienced on a subjective level. The afterlife exists on that other time dynamic making watches either extraneous, superfluous or else irrelevant. In this dimension, watches are redundant. 

In this dimension, watches are based on a physical construct of being on a planet that takes 24 hours to make a full rotation while rotating around a sun which takes 365 days. In the afterlife, no Earth, no rotation and no sun. Just a note, the afterlife resembles the Earth and the Earth resembles the afterlife as they are made from the same underlying source of energy. In the afterlife, there is a light that very much resembles the sun. Afterlife, dreamworld, same thing. 

It must be nice to still have a consciousness and exist in a realm but also not needing to eat, not needing money, not needing to sleep or a vehicle to travel. I often hate this life and all the anxieties. Why do restaurants have to be so expensive. If you work at a restaurant, after awhile you get tired of the food which leads to more food anxiety. 

I used to work at restaurants. Restaurant food is really good and really cheap if you're an employee. Most of the restaurants I worked at had free meals for employees. If the food is good but expensive or else cheap or free but boring bland food, either brings food anxiety. I want to eat a good restaurant meal but it's so bloody expensive and might wind up broke or else I want to save money but the food is horrifyingly bland and boring. Result, food anxiety for life. I envy the dead. They don't have to worry about food anxiety. I often wish that I had died years ago. My best years are all in the past. And they weren't all that good either. My whole life was a waste of time. 

Friday, June 3, 2022

Today I went to a local Chinese restaurant and had seafood fried noodles crispy. 

I smoked a smidge of marijuana, the third time in two days. Yesterday I had some. It's good in moderation. One just wouldn't want to be chronically addicted. 

Being old past 50 is all right. When one is 15, they want to be older, they want to be 20 for the freedom and authority of adulthood. When one turns 50, they can want to be younger or at least not any older. Older means weaker and just old. 

But then remember that when one is 102 they want to be 103. They want to be older. Being older is a milestone, it is an accomplishment. The secret to being happy is to always want to be older. Never want to be younger as wanting the obviously impossible is a sure path to fear, anxiety and depression. 

Saturday, June 4, 2022

This morning I went to look for Heather at her new place. Unsuccessful. Couldn't get to her. 

I then went to Sidney BC. I went to the Shaw Centre for the Salish Sea. The Kelp Forest tank was the most beautiful. 

When I returned to Victoria I was able to visit Heather. 

During and after the visit, I was hit with the most intense anxiety. I still feel the anxiety and fear. There is no reward for making it through a day of fear. The only reward is yet another day of fear and anxiety tomorrow. My mind is done for. I still pick up garbage. I still have food anxiety. It is somewhat painful for me to live but keep on living I must. Perhaps one day soon, I will feel better. One day, all things will fall into place. I am overwhelmed with too many details. Example: I bought a pastrami and cheese sandwich at Sidney today. When I went to visit Heather I debated to myself whether to share the sandwich or not. I did. But the sandwich had sentimental value to me because it was from Sidney. 

I don't know whether I could have visited Heather longer because I didn't visit her for a long time. The anxiety kicked in and I had to leave. 

There's a person living down the hall from me who likes to clap loudly. Clap on, clap off, clap on clap off, the clapper. This guy is a delinquent. He always has a terror look on his face like he's terrified. Mass psychosis effect when I see his face that makes me terrified too just like if you see someone crying sometimes it makes you want to cry too. The guy's name is Sean Kozinski or something like that. He might be a psy op agent from Poland sent here on assignment to sabotage my mind. 

And I also wonder if the covid vaccine was a chemical lobotomy. Before any vaccine shots I felt confident. Ever since the vaccine shots, I lost my confidence and feel only anxiety instead. The vaccines were not informed consent. They were uninformed coercion. I think the vaccine has some pharmaceutical hidden tech. 

"But are not some whole that we must make sick?" Julius Caesar, Shakespeare

Maybe chemical lobotomy maybe anyone who takes the vaccine will be dead in a few years. It's population control. My life isn't that much worth living to me so if I were to die, I don't know what to think. As far as I see it, I have no future and my life is going nowhere. Do I believe God can and will help me? It's just a hope, an ideal. Whether or not it's the reality, I don't know. All I ever feel is anxiety. I am afraid of myself. I'm afraid of my tendencies, my idiosyncrasies, my sudden notions to do things. If a person is afraid of themself, then there is no escape. 

The future is uncertain and bleak. I would like to opt out of life but there is no way to do it. I just have to just keep going when going through hell. I think I might have PTSD. 

The movie Staying Alive with John Travolta talks about Satan's Alley. It's an allegory of life. One goes through hell but eventually winds up in heaven. The Bible says, "Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy." I hope so. 

Sunday, June 5, 2022

I wouldn't be a father. The worst thing you can do to anyone is to give them birth. Life isn't worth living and is full of problems and life gets worse. Old age is no picnic and is inevitable unless one dies young. Anyone who is a parent hasn't thought things through. Life is not worth living. I would never get to a point where I am 100% glad that I was born. I was born because of my parent's ego and they haven't thought things through. 

Depression and anxiety are inevitable variables of life. The Disney movie Inside Out talks about someone with five emotions. Eventually these 5 different emotions, some positive, some negative team up and work together to form the person's happiness. 

This life has some intangible things that can't be attained in the afterlife. A walkman or ipod with music whenever you want. The afterlife doesn't have that. Feeling hungry and eating good food. A television with regular sustained shows. In the afterlife things are zipping around. Things only last for a moment and they're gone. At least the dream world is like that. I think the afterlife has a lot of similar physics with the dream world. 

Source: the Victoria Times Colonist. 

There is a guy who goes to the Church I go to. For awhile, I thought he was a delinquent because he always parks his canoe outside the Church. Then he parks his canoe across the street from where I live because it's a busy street. 

Today I took a chance and talked to him. He told me that his name is Douglas. I congratulated him because his efforts help protect the trees and if the forests are protected, it's partly due to his direct efforts. He said that he wasn't the true hero. "The true heroes are the young people who blockade forests and get themselves arrested. Once the trees are gone, the planet is gone."

The Keanu Reeves movie, The Day The Earth Stood Still is a movie about aliens wanting to protect the Earth. Protecting the Earth meant eliminating humans since they are the biggest threat to the survival of the planet's entire ecosystem. Then the aliens saw another side to humans, one of love. 

Humans can choose to destroy the Earth through decimating forests of they can make a choice. 

Douglas who calls himself Captain Painfully Obvious is pictured above wearing the Captain Cook three cornered hat. He is a hero and on the right side of history. He is not a delinquent. He is part of a group called Extinction Rebellion.

Hopefully the forests are protected. Otherwise the future of the planet looks very grim. I was in over my head in being born. But there have always been people who thought the World would end soon. William Blake's The Dark Satanic Mills was a reference to the increasing factory smokestacks of the Industrial Revolution. Thus in the 1840s some people thought that the World would end before 1900. During the years of World War One, some people thought it was the end times and that civilization would end soon. Even when Covid started in March 2020, I saw a YouTube comment that predicted complete Worldwide economic collapse 'in six months'. In 2003, Martin Rees thought that humanity will end before the year 2100. I somewhat believe that. But humanity has always had a way of pulling through just when things seemed most bleak.

I think that I myself am a delinquent in a lot of ways. I smoke tobacco, I pick up garbage and cigarette butts off the street, and I look at weird even weirdest granny porn. I want to be perfect but perfection is something that I don't know what it looks like and is something impossible to attain. I must accept my imperfections. Slight imperfection is the closest we can possibly come to perfection. There's a lot of delinquent people on the street but in my own way, I am a delinquent too. Overt delinquency vs covert delinquency. 

Today I found a nice new leather chair on the street. Not quite new, it's ripped in some places and has a burn mark. Otherwise it's a lot nicer than my old chair which was quite a few stages into falling apart. So I threw out the old chair. I don't think it's real leather. It's plastic that's made to resemble leather. Life can change suddenly. I thought I would have that broken down old chair for life. Today I found a new one and that old chair that was with me for many years is gone. 

I'm thinking of joining Jake Tran's channel for one month. Then I'll quit the subscription before the month is over. There are some videos of his I want to watch. 1 is Monsanto. He does a video about how Monsanto is redefining how what we eat is being monopolized and GMO'd. 2. Jeffrey Epstein The Man Who Didn't Kill Himself. Jeffrey Epstein was an intelligence agent who collected secret information about all kinds of very powerful people. That's one way to get oneself killed. Not a smart occupation to pursue as one goes through life. These videos seem intriguing. But the topics are somewhat scary. Jake Tran's videos are one hour long. It would take a video of several hours to fully get into the information Jeffrey Epstein collected. Jake Tran makes videos are information in general. All the facts on his videos are very well researched information that is already in public knowledge. I haven't joined yet. I never joined a YouTubers channel before. I am nervous about doing new things. What if I get addicted and join more channels? Best not to start joining even one. Jake Tran will keep making intriguing videos for his members to join so I should join for just one month a year and binge watch all his past years videos in one month. 

Ironically Jake Tran will characteristically recommend that people invest in stock market investing apps while at the same time making videos about people who run stock market scams. Jake also mentions the SEC in his videos and that the SEC is very good at catching stock market scams and treats it very strictly and seriously.

In the video he did make about Jeffrey Epstein released for free on his regular YouTube channel, he talks extensively about Jeffrey Epstein's stock market scams. 

Jake Tran said that Jeffrey Epstein in his early days had started a collection agency called Tower Corporation along with a business partner. The collection agency would buy up someone's million dollar debt for $50,000. Tower Corporation would then list the million dollar debt it had bought as part of its assets making it look artificially rich to attract investors. Often, collection agencies aren't able to fully recover the million dollar debt. Then Tower corporation made a bid to buy out the ailing New York Times. This caught the attention of the SEC. As soon as Jeffrey Epstein found out that the SEC were on the case, he bailed out of Tower Corporation along with his share of the money leaving his business partner holding the bag. 

That's a classic stock market scam. 

Jake Tran also did a video about how John McAfee also collected a lot of secret information about some very powerful people. Again, not the smartest thing to do as one goes through life. It's not something I would do. 

I'm going to the hospital to find out about my nose. I have to go to the ER. I'm going to ask for an XRay or CT scan or biopsy. This problem with my nose just never seems to get better. I am partly thinking that I might die from this. Even though 7 doctors already told me it is nothing serious. If you have health anxiety, you don't believe it until the problem goes away. I think it might be serious. This despite me not having a medical degree of any kind whatsoever. 

I still feel fear gnawing away at my psyche. I fear the future. 

Monday, June 6, 2022

The designation LGBTQIA or else LGBTQ2 or else LGBTQ+ is just awful. I stands for incel. Insel means island in German. A stands for Asexual. 

So even if a person is heterosexual but otherwise an incel or currently asexual, they are still linked in with the LGBTQs which isn't the most comforting thought in the World. 

This marginalization is on the part of certain industries like weddings, tuxedo and wedding gown rentals, restaurants that would rather get the money of two people dining or a family dining than from one person dining, diapers, baby formula milk, family vacations, etc etc. 

Millions of people in North America alone, men and women, are incel or asexual. Lots of people don't want to get laid if getting laid means the expense of or else getting a sexual disease from a prostitute or else getting a woman pregnant and being on the hook for child support or else getting a woman pregnant and then that leads to a chain of events which winds up with her dying from childbirth. Just as it is better to not get a car at all than to get a car and it winds up resulting in a deadly car accident where one or more people get killed, it is better not to get laid at all than to get laid and it ends up with a woman dying of childbirth. 

When is mother's day? Nine months after father's day. 

As for asexuality, a lot of people such as yours truly has experienced their sex drive go right out the window or else they have sexual anxiety. 

Sexual anxiety feels like a hot steam iron burning in the stomach whenever sex is even merely thought about. I have that often. I'm doomed. I'll never get married or have children. I say that like it's a bad thing.... it isn't! 

Sexual anxiety and loss of sex drive can come from a person being into some off the beaten track fetish and they don't completely like it but keep doing it anyways because it's the only thing they've known for years. 

"It's been in my life for so long that I don't know anything else." Sigourney Weaver, Alien 3

Anyways, they have some fetish and want to act on it but also don't because they know it's kind of weird. Weird sex fetishes can include a young guy in his 20s being into granny porn or even weirder fetishes like some people being into schizer porn or else porn that involves defecation. It's difficult to believe but there is some real weird shit that some people are into. Result = loss of sex drive and sexual anxiety that leads to incelness and asexuality. 

50% of weddings wind up in divorce. Is there any other product a person would purchase that has only a 50% chance or working? If airplane flights only had a 50% chance of arriving safely to its destination, would people still choose to fly on airplanes? 50% is a generous estimate. I've heard that it can be as low as 9%.

97% of all statistics are bullshit. 

A YouTube video called The Miracle Tree talks about moringa. It is a highly addictive multivitamin. But smear a bit of its sap on a wound and the wound heals. I'm going to look for moringa in this town. There is moringa pils sold at Lifestyle market. 

After going to the ER at the local hospital and waiting for 2 hours, a doctor said that there is nothing serious about the bump in my nose. Don't pick it and use the antibiotic cream I was prescribed for two weeks to one month. 

Today I saw a really good friend who inspires me. She works as a dental technician and is part of the dental team along with my dentist who looks after my teeth. She is a great lady and seeing her inspires me. Seeing her makes me glad to be alive. 

Jake Tran video again. 3D Laser Printing. The Czinger 21C is a 3D laser printed car that goes from 0 to 60 in 9.1 seconds. 3D laser printing can save lives through 3D laser printing new organs. 3D laser printing is the new Industrial Revolution. 

3D laser printing can print new homes to save the forests for making new homes. It might address the housing crisis. 

3D laser printing can 3D print a new set of dentures for me. Hopefully it doesn't print the original teeth I had before because that would be awful. Hopefully it can print a new set of teeth for me that makes it look like I wore braces when I was young. 

Tragedy is when a person is young and their rich parents got them braces. But after an adulthood of using hard drugs which cause bruxism or else grinding of the teeth as well as generally just about never brushing the tteth or flossing or using antibacterial germ killing mouthwash, the teeth wear out and have to be extracted one after another. 

3D printing can print spaceships to go to other planets. 3D printing could one day print a cyclotron or particle accelerator. Can 3D.printing print a time machine that works? If I had a time machine that works, I could really write my own ticket. Maybe not. The movie The Butterfly Effect. Change one thing, change everything. For every time machine making a change for the better in the past, an unexpected change for the worse will surely result. 

If I could go back in the past, I would leave my mother a strongly worded note not to give me birth. I would tell a few people in the past, one person writing another person a note writing another person a note with the final note getting to my mother telling her not to give me birth. I'd have to send her a lot of money to really change her life from what it would have otherwise been leading to a chain of events that resulted in my birth. This is my way of avoiding the bootstrap paradox rather than just me writing one note and sending it to her. I'm not completely happy with my life. I have a lot to be thankful for yet I think my life would be better if I got rich when I was young, gotten a BMW 325i in the 80s and gotten married in the 90s but it would be a childless marriage. My idea of the perfect life for me = a BMW in the 80s, a childless marriage in the 90s and wealth and no generalized anxiety disorder burnout PTSD. Since my life turned out opposite to that, no 80s BMW, no marriage, only anxiety and PTSD, I would be just as well off if I was never born. That's why I need a 3D laser printed time machine. 

A time machine would use microwaves. Max Tegmark wrote a it the cosmic microwave background which changes its frequency with every passing second. A time machine would emit microwaves matching the cosmic microwave background frequency of any time in the past or future. It would cloak a lead lined container 3D printed Faraday cage which encases a person in such microwaves thus sending them either forwards or backwards in time. Without the 3D printed Faraday cage container, a person could die immediately from radiation poisoning of the microwaves or else they could die months or years down the road from leukemia. Leukemia is an extremely common result of exposure to deadly amounts of radiation. A 3D laser printer would only print the Faraday cage part of the time machine but not the microwave radiation itself. A laser printer could print the microwave emitter of a time machine. 

Just like a B12 stealth bomber would never be for individual private use like a home computer is. Some things that the government has including a time machine would also not be for individual private use. Before only the government had computers like the ENIAC. At one time you needed security clearance just to see a computer let alone to own one or to be the end user of one. This has happened again as the most powerful quantum computers that the government has would require a security clearance to be seen. 

Me: The Father of the Year Award. 

I never want to be on the hook for child support. Ever. 

I know what's in store for my children if I ever have any. Stress, anxiety, uncertainty, ever rising real estate prices, climate change for the worse and the hell of old age as old age is The Great Betrayer. The best thing I could do for my kids is to not have them. That I thought so far and so much for my children and finally deciding not to have any, that should get me a Father of the Year Award slash Darwin Award. I should be The Father of the Year because I'm so protective of my children that I prudently decided not to have any. 

Can you imagine me winning The Father of the Year Award? 

"To have never been born may be the greatest boon of all." Sophocles

Google fucked up. I tried to change my dreams blog domain to deannoblesdreams.blogspot.com but when I did and clicked the view icon on my compose page, the view icon being an eye, usually it takes me to my blog but it said blog unavailable domain unavailable. So I changed it back to the original domain being ms7362529. blogspot.com. But when I clicked the view icon on my compose page it still said blog unavailable domain unavailable but in the url space above it said deannoblesdreams.blogpsot.com. Don't click that. It doesn't work. Just click on to ms7362529 blogspot.com That will work. Fucking Google. Maybe it would have changed the domain name given enough time. But a lot of my regular readers still have the blog registered as ms7362529.blogspot.com as the domain name and might not get that it changed to deannoblesdreams blogspot com. So in settings, I reverted it back to the ms7362529 domain name. It was under that domain name for the longest time. 

God exists. There are algorithms and systems and orders of care that won't be discovered for hundreds of years yet it is happening now. A few hundred years ago, no one knew about how DNA repairs itself. No one knew how dark matter and dark energy kept galaxies together and stopped stars from drifting away from galaxies which they otherwise might through the centrifugal force of a spinning galaxy. 

Tuesday, June 7, 2022

Today I told a few ladies that I've known for awhile about my Noble films blogspot blog. This blog. I also told them that I think once they read this blog, the won't like me anymore because I'm a wreck. I have problems. I have issues. I wonder how much of the blog they will read. Most people don't have time to read people's blogs. The more the read, the more they will not like me. This blog is a deal breaker. 

My drawing of Emily Carr and her monkey Woo. I think I'm a pretty good artist. My father thought so too. He said, "Too bad you can't make any money at it." 

Someone said of a famous musician who died, "He's a genius but the world did him dirty." Him and me and millions of others. The world does a lot of geniuses dirty. It's an awful world. Life is just about not worth living. I'm glad I never had any children. What. To bring them up in such a world?! No thanks. 

Today, I went to visit inside the Emily Carr House for the first time. The house is typical 19th Century although the bathroom is modern. And I saw a Sony flatscreen television which wasn't original to the house. Other than that, it was all done up in 19th Century style. It was like stepping back in time. Time machine experience. I didn't say a word when I was in the house but I had no reason to. There was no one to talk to and I usually don't talk to myself when I am visiting places. 

The house wasn't haunted as I could see but when I was in the room where Emily Carr was born, I heard a fly buzzing loudly on a window. Is that a sign of haunting? I don't think Emily Carr would be stuck as an Earthbound spirit. She was very well educated and enlightened and probably very spiritual. She would have moved on to the next level. 

The usual stories is if anyone puts a painting on a wall other than Emily Carr's paintings, those painting would fall off the wall. I didn't see anything like that. 

Life is full of surprises. The future has better surprises than I could imagine as a year ago I would have never suspected that I would visit the Emily Carr House. 

Emily Carr House is open for self guided tours on Tuesday from 10 am to 3 pm. Free. I hope someone does a YouTube video about it. 

Wednesday, June 8, 2022

I woke up with fear and uncertainty. I don't know how I'm going to live out the rest of my life. I still somewhat fear the future. I hope that God is with me. "I am the righteousness of God in Christ." as Joyce Meyer said.*

*source: Watch What You Say About Yourself, Joyce Meyer, YouTube

Today, I got my hangnail tweezers from Amazon. No porch pirates got it because I picked it up at the pawn store who processed my order for an extra $5 processing fee. These tweezers I will use for that bump in my nose against all advice. I will proceed very gently otherwise one snip too much and my nose could hemmorhage. I don't know whether I should use them.

I've used them and I have fine hands because I am an artist. Perhaps I do not have the hands of a surgeon but fine hands nevertheless. I was able to selectively cut away the hard mucous. There was slight blood at times but otherwise the situation is improved. I am very careful not to cut too deep otherwise hemorrhaging can occur. There's nothing like self medicating. 

I've heard of people who have extracted their own teeth such as Cowboy on Cajun Pawn but I wouldn't do that. 

I also got a Polo Ralph Lauren beige light jacket. It's my Spring Summer and Fall jacket as those times are too hot to wear a winter jacket. I got it for $16. The size is extra large but it still fits good. X large is good for if one is also wearing something underneath like a hoody. Normally such a jacket retails for about $200 or over at the Polo store. 

I saw my dental technician friend today. 

In spite of all the good things in my life, anxiety is hitting me as hard as ever. Everyday = fear and anxiety. I think I'm done for. If this is going to be for the rest of my life, I'm doomed. 

I can't even handle the thought of having money. Before I always fantasized about being a millionaire. Now the thought of being a millionaire gives me anxiety. Yeah, right. As if I would ever be a millionaire. Being a millionaire means accumulating a bunch of knick knacks that I don't need. Being a constant hoarder. With food anxiety, being a millionaire means eating a lot of even good and expensive food but not feeling any happier afterwards, only more anxiety. I think I'm mentally ill. 

Before I wanted a BMW. Now I'm more than happy to just ride in one. A BMW would be overwhelming to me and would only cause anxiety. Even praying to God as YouTube videos have taught me doesn't work. 

Hans Wilsdorf was born in 1881. He is the founder of Rolex. His company invented a waterproof watch and a deep sea waterproof watch and also a self winding wristwatch called the Oyster Perpetual. Rolex watches are notoriously expensive, usually in the 5 figures. SteveWillDoIt bought President Trump a $200,000 Rolex. Steve of SteveWillDoIt is fearless. He does things that would cause most normal people lots of anxiety yet he feels no anxiety. Anxiety is subjective. What one person calls an anxiety inducing event another person would call a calm normal event. 

YesTheory. Seek discomfort. Love over fear. YesTheory is also fearless. 

Sex anxiety and food anxiety. What a winning combination. Anxiety registers as a painful burning feeling in the stomach. 

I am under the influence of a drug. That drug is called anxiety. My highs are all natural. Anxiety is a result of the body releasing some chemicals, the amygdala releasing epinephrine and also cortisol. I don't remember anxiety ever hitting me this hard. Terrible teens? Try the terrible 50s. I've been through some things in the past including traveling overseas but I have never had anxiety and fear like I do now. Maybe it's the thought of being over 50 which is old. If I'm this anxiety ridden at 52, this leaves me wondering how fucked up I'll be when I reach 60. That's if I reach 60. 

The things I felt anxiety about a few months ago are irrelevant now. The things that cause anxiety, each and everything will be solved. Solve the problems piecemeal, baby steps. Don't think of trying to solve it all at once. 

Everything is happening for the good. 

An old East Indian story. A King had a wise man who said, Everything is happening for the good. 

One day the King was polishing his sword. The sword fell and cut off one of the Kings toes. The wise man said as ever, Everything is happening for the good. This outraged the King so he sent the wise man to prison for two months. 

The King then went hunting but was separated from his hunting party. Lost in the woods, the King encountered some cannibals who wanted to sacrifice and eat him. But when the cannibals saw the King was missing a toe, the cannibals said that the sacrifice must be whole with no missing parts or else it would anger the Gods. 

The King returned to his palace, released the wise man and apologized. The wise man said Everything is happening for the good. The King was perplexed. The wise man said, Had I not been imprisoned, I would have went with you next to you and would have got lost with you and the cannibals would have sacrificed me since I m whole. 

Everything happens for the good. 

In some weird way, my anxiety is happening for the good. 

My friend broke her leg and is wheelchair bound. But then months later she got accepted into nice cushy condo-like subsidized housing apartment which usually only accepts handicapped people otherwise she'd be staying in a dirty crampy single room rooming house. Everything happens for the good. 

"You never know what worse luck your bad luck has saved you from." Cormac McCarthy

Thursday, June 9, 2022

Today I had lunch at the Empress Hotel. Q at the Empress. I had Caesar salad and a glass of water. There was complimentary charcoal spice popcorn. The place was ornate and nice. Thank you God for this beautiful day. A year ago, I would have never thought that I'd have lunch at the Empress. It was something I have been thinking of for years. The future can turn out better than one imagines. 

The Caesar salad was a big portion. I had to take about half of it to go. The salad had a very rich flavor. Q at the Empress is extremely ornate with carved wood. The hotel has a distinct 19th Century feel. 

I'll eat there again. One day I hope to take a really nice lady there on a date. Time will tell. Then on the date, I will say that I've eaten there before which would impress her. 

It's remarkable how going to a very fine 5 star hotel can uplift one's outlook on life. It is a life changing experience. I've thought of visiting the Hotel Vancouver restaurant but have never done it. Years ago, decades ago, I went to the restaurant at the Pan Pacific Hotel. 

I would eat at a 5 star hotel restaurant no more than 3 times a year because I'm not rich. It's expensive but I've spent more money eating at other places or else spent more money on different things like Star Wars collectibles or else ordering things on Amazon or going on vacations. 

It's baffling that some people use hard drugs all the time which is costly. For the amount of money they spend on drugs, they could otherwise eat at a fine 5 star hotel restaurant which would get one as high as the drugs but in a different way. 

I went to visit Heather today. She was glad to see me and I was glad to see her. I do love her. I love her like the flowers and the grass loves the sun and the rain. 

Every day including today, I worry about the future. I have slight anxieties. I have heard on YouTube videos to not be anxious about things that won't matter in 5 or 10 years. 

"All our tomorrows find their own way" Eddie Schwartz

"Try and enjoy the here and now The future will take care of itself somehow." Howard Jones

Friday, June 10, 2022

I woke up in fear again today. What were the chances of that? 

Some people at the Catholic Church, an old lady and a friar said they would pray for me. 

My mind works strangely. I hark on every little thing. For eg Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom is on at the Old Vic theater tomorrow. I won't go see it. I've already seen it lots. It's a very dark movie. It's an evil movie. 

Match Point is a movie about karma. Someone on YouTube comments recommended it on the video about All things are happening for the good. Don't ever doubt karma. Good karma will follow good deeds. I thought that no good deed goes unpunished. Bad karma follows bad deeds. It seems that when people do things good or bad no karma follows. Good people stay poor and bad people get rich and stay rich it seems. 

Match Point is about a talented tennis instructor who has a rich student. The rich student invites the instructor to meet his family. The instructor falls in love with the students sister. And then with the student's fiancee. Then it all goes wrong. This movie isn't about karma. It's a very devious movie and the tennis instructor is evil. 

I'll have this anxiety and depression for life. 

I have bad habits that make me a delinquent. Namely the tobacco smoking and the granny porn. 

If I quit tobacco and quit granny porn, I'll be more normal. I should be into women around 5 to 10 years younger or older than me. Not women 30 or 40 years older than me. Actually I like women of all ages, all shapes and sizes. 

The tobacco isn't too bad. It's not like being into psychoactive drugs although I smoke pot on occasion and pick up marijuana roaches off the street. 

This picking up cigarette butts and roaches is a firm of OCD. These things put together make me wake up in fear in the morning. 

Also I fear getting older. I think I'm past my prime and it's only downhill from here. Over 50 is old. Other than that, no real problems. 

Remembering that I'm over 50 makes me think that my sex drive has gone out the window and I respond as such. 

I won't ever move back to the downtown Eastside of Vancouver however boring and fishbowl existence this town is. There have been lots of stabbings in the downtown Eastside lately. My landlord said in not so many words that the government has failed those people. In the old days they'd be sent to a mental hospital, given medication and feeling better. 

Government has shut down mental hospitals for the most part to trim down on government overhead. Also the way the mental health staff used to treat the patients has opened a discussion on constitutional rights and abuses thereof. 

As many of you may know, I've been dealing with depression and anxiety for at least 12 years. I used to deal with it differently. I used to think that if it ever gets too bad, I can fall back on suicide. And I used to rationalize suicide for myself because I was in some kind of mental pain. Life owes me nothing, I owe life nothing. If life has given up on me, I should give up on life. Life is as useful to me as I am to it which is not much at all. All that is nonsense. Suicide is a sin. Suicide is wrong. It's bad enough to when another person places a death threat on me, but for me to put a death threat on myself is another. I won't do that. My only task is to go on living. God has a reason and purpose for me. I have a mission. It's not my time. The future will in all likelihood not be as bad as I imagine. The future will be better than I imagine. I never imagined that I'd watch a movie in a DBox or see the Emily Carr House or eat at the Empress Hotel. 

Saturday, June 11, 2022

Today, after having fish and chips at the James Bay Inn, I went to Ross Bay cemetery and visited Emily Carr's grave. It took me awhile to find it. I was looking and looking until I saw the caretakers cabin and there was a schemata on it and that made it easy to find. I thought there would be a lot of ornaments, knick knacks and things that people left behind for her but there wasn't that much. There was a lady there who was also looking to visit her grave. This was lucky so I didn't visit her grave alone. She was a very sweet lady. 

At the beach along Dallas Road, there were parasailers. 

I am thinking of working at the James Bay Inn as a dishwasher. I told them that I had an anxiety disorder and PTSD so I didn't know if I could do it. I told them that I'd get back to them within a week for an answer. They said that they need a dishwasher "big time". Dishwashing is OK but you get way more tips as a waiter or even as a busboy. I've always been kind of shy. All my life I've worked as a dishwasher whenever I worked at restaurants. Dishwashing would give me extra income but to do what? Forrest Gump's mother said, "You only need so much money. The rest of it is for decorations." If I had extra money, the only thing I can think of it 'The Deluxe Vacation'. That is to fly to and from Vancouver on a Seaplane cost: $300 plus taxes. Stay in a hotel in Vancouver for two nights, cost: I'm not willing to pay more than $150 night, tops. I don't want to stay in a hostel dorm room with 3 other people, the thought of which is insufferable. However in University, students usually share a dorm room with one other student. Well, whatever. 

Plus the cost of incidentals in Vancouver like food and attractions like museums, and a movie. Perhaps visit the Vancouver Aquarium at $42 a visit. That would be all my anxiety and PTSD could handle. 

I have two friends who are ladies who are old. One is about 70 and she went to Edmonton for three weeks. The other is 80 and she went to Finland for about three weeks as well. They are more hardcore than me. They are older than me and traveled farther than me. 

I might not have as much anxiety as I think. Two months ago, I went to Vancouver for a day and that was when I was still helping Heather who is in a wheelchair. I was doing some kind of work or other for her 7 days a week. 

I don't know about you but every time I think of someone with anxiety, I think of someone who could travel to Vancouver even for a day. 

If I go to Vancouver, I won't visit Debbie in the downtown Eastside. I think there is a slim to mederate chance that I would get stabbed there. It's a no go zone. Reports are, there have been a lot of stabbing there recently. The usual method is to walk behind someone and stab them in the back. I doubt that I will ever meet Debbie Hellion. I have no reason to, anyways. She does YouTube videos but she is a minor YouTube celebrity. Even Douglas Bloch and Jean Claude Vancouver are minor YouTube celebrities and they have more subscribers and views than Debbie Hellion. The biggest YouTube stars are iJustine and Scotty Kilmer. I think that I'm a minor YouTube celebrity. My cartoons. But they are amateur cartoon with a paucity of dialogue whereas most YouTube videos are wall to wall saturated with dialogue. My cartoons show some kind of artistic talent, not the worst but not the best. Mediocre. Doing cartoons is tedious. I think that my cartoons are crazy the way that French SpiderMan climbing buildings is crazy or Evel Knieval jumping over things with his motorcycle was crazy. I don't want to be crazy. I want to be normal. 

Negative ions is good. Positive ions is bad. Positive ions come from air conditioners and indoor fans. Negative ions come from the forest floor, the forest itself, waterfalls, a rainy day, etc. Negative ions are very healing for depression and anxiety. The ion effect. 

I kind of hate the hotel I am living in. The architectural acoustics in this hotel are just plain awful. When the person upstairs makes any kind of noise, the floor reverberates with a sickly contemptible fibrillating awful sound like a clunk on the lid of a cheap canister. I hope I don't stay in this hotel for life and that I could move to a better hotel. If I knew for sure that I am going to stay in this hotel for life or move to someplace worse, I would try to get people to pray for me that God kills me. My life is in the hands of God yet I might have some leeway and get an early death. Also this hotel has quite a few delinquent people. The guy living down the hall, the sneaky shit Sean Kozinski is always skulking around sneakily. He used to yell crazily in his room until the landlord warned him but how long will that last? He claps in his room loudly at all hours. He used to shit in a bucket for a week and then just dump the shit in the toilet. I kind of hope that he moves out or gets evicted. I think he is on some kind of heavy drug and there is a chance he could die sometime. He is a total delinquent. There is a chance he could hang himself in his room. He's that crazy. 

The forces of life have delivered a sneaky shit like that into my life when he moved in this hotel. I think that he will die from his own karma. On the streets people who see him regularly probably notice that he is a fucked up delinquent. He always has the most creepy haunted scared look on his face, a psychotic crazy look. I think he's going to hell when he dies because of the energy he generates. 

This hotel is shit. This hotel is hell. This hotel will give anyone who loves here an anxiety disorder, burnout and PTSD. If I have to live here for the rest of my life or for the next 20 years, I hope that God just finishes me off with a quick heart attack when I'm sleeping, so that I can die in my sleep. All God has to do is just to turn off the pacemaker in my heart for a few minutes and that's it. My pacemaker is turned off forever from then on. Result: death all around, for me. I hope that God in his infinite mercy gives me a reprieve and finishes me off rather than to have me live in this nut house and awful architectural acoustics of a hotel. 

Sunday, June 12, 2022

I woke up scared and creeped out that I went to the graveyard to visit Emily Carr's grave. I shouldn't be that scared. Priests go to the graveyard a few times a year to do the Priestly send off at a funeral. In the summer of 1987, I went to Seattle to visit Bruce Lee's grave. Lots of people go to visit Emily Carr's grave every year. The sign at the caretakers cabin said Emily Carr's grave the most popular grave that people visit. 

I've decided not to go to the soup line and most Churches except for possibly one Church and even then. The soup line and most Churches require one to wear a mask. Why go out of my way to go to a place which still require masks? Masks are an anachronism now. 2021 called. They want their masking policy back. 

There is one Church I know of that doesn't require masks. 

Wearing masks anywhere can accentuate an anxiety disorder. I'd boycott any place that requires masks. 

I think people have been told to boycott my websites, blog and YouTube videos. I have lots of enemies from the past. That's one reason that I wish my mother had aborted me or better yet not given me birth. If thoughts have the ability to transcend time, perhaps if I think hard enough I can send a message to my mother in the past to do something different, anything different that would alter the past chain of events that would result in me never having been born. I wish I had a time machine. To get past the bootstrap paradox, I would have to either use a pen from that time or cut up a bunch of newspapers from that time to write a message telling her that she won a lot of money. And I would have to get money from that time. Even a couple of thousand dollars and tell her to go on a luxurious vacation that she otherwise wouldn't have gone on. Once she goes on that vacation, that will change the chain of events therefore I wouldn't have been born. Of course if I wasn't born I wouldn't be there to go back in time to send her that message. It's a vicious cycle. 

That no one can go back in the past and make it that they weren't born proves that energy can't be destroyed as Einstein said. Energy can't be destroyed even through time travel. That is a proof of and a corollary to the existence of a soul. 

Restaurants, movie theatres and libraries don't require a mask. 

Religious places require a mask. Religions ideally are a place which liberates and sets you free but the ongoing requirement to wear masks underlies that religions are a stricture of control and suppression. Most religions tell you how you should live which goes beyond the requirement of just teaching one to believe in God and to do good and to be good. Religions sometimes tell you what you should eat and make you ashamed to smoke tobacco or use drugs. 

Restaurants, theatres and libraries need to make their own money and therefore are more user friendly to get the required customer base. 

Churches are government funded and get all tax breaks so they can make up whatever weird rules or require masking to be more subservient to their government paymasters. 

Governments are known for doing weird shit like making up laws that tell you how to live, they're just as bad as religion in that way. Laws that tell you not to smoke marijuana or to use any drug. Your body is your property but the government feels that it's their property so tell you what you can or can not put in it. That's one less reason to stick around, one less reason to go on living. The drugs illegality is to stop people from using unsafe and addictive drugs the other reason is to create artificial scarcity, price fix, make another reason to go after undesirables and to create an underground economy, money laundering etc. Governments have been known to draft people for wars. Like Socrates said, "To have never been born may be the greatest boon of all." I'm glad to have been born only for the music of the 60s, the 70s and 80s. That's the greatest music that ever was and ever will be. The World will never see an age of music like that again. Any music since the 80s is basically shit. Except for jazz music. Stingray channel 414 has really good jazz music made in the last few years. Jazz still has it going on. 

Pop music has degenerated into unmemorable tuneless computer loops and with delinquent rap lyrics. That's what's supposed to pass for music. 

It is during times of difficulty that people will show you their true colors. Some people were one way before the pandemic and another way during the pandemic and not for the better. Some friendships you just outgrow and have to move on. Get rid of the old to make room for the new. 

I really don't feel that my life is going anywhere and am thinking strongly of ending it as an act of compassion towards myself. I don't see a reason for me to go on living. Life is a trap and a crooked table slanted against me. 

Some people are reclusive and I don't blame them. Most friendships are a trap of some kind and often friends are worse than enemies. Enemies are kept at a distance and are at a level of mutual enmity and avoidance whereas friends can use you and pull you into a trap often for narcissistic reasons. 

I won't kill myself because that is a sin. But to go on living where there is no reason to live doesn't make sense. Yet there are people on the streets who are handicapped in all kinds of ways even profound ways who still have the gumption and the courage to go on living and that is inspiring and teaches something. Sometimes you just have to go on living even when life doesn't show you any reason to at all. Even when you don't really want to live you have to go on living. There are some pleasures in life that are denied to the afterlife like television, iPods with headphones, drugs like marijuana, feeling hungry and eating a good meal. For those things life is worth living. A lot of other things make life not worth living such as boredom, depression, anxiety and friendships that are traps and that go nowhere. The ultra expensive real estate prices and the difficulty of finding a good place to live at a nice neighborhood. Being forced to live in awful neighborhoods or awful accomodations makes life seem to be not worth living. 

I'm not sure what the ideal life would look like. Even the ultra rich have problems worries and anxieties. However I know that the life I have now isn't the ideal life. A one room rooming house with lots of delinquent neighbors. There was a pandemic, and at the start of it I was reasonably sure that I'd be dead from that. I'm baffled that I'm still alive. 

I went to the Church that had masking. Masking is optional at that Church it seems because a lot of people even some members of the choir chose not to wear masks. Except for about a minute, I didn't wear the mask there today either. 

I will most likely apply to work as a dishwasher part time on the proviso that I still suffer from fear and anxiety although its not nearly as bad as it was about a year ago. A year ago, I swore that I wouldn't be able to live another month. I was fried and not in a good way. I'm still alive today. 

I don't think that the government will ever let private individuals own time machines in case they do something stupid like go back in time to prevent their own birth performing what is, in the words from the movie The Terminator "A retroactive abortion."

Sunday, June 12, 2022 

See my dark smudgy wrinkle on the top of the cheekbone on the side closest to the television. Awful. I tried cleaning it but it won't go away. That's because it's some kind of smudgy wrinkle like a second set of bags under my eyes. Let's face it. At 52 I'm growing old. 

I have this dark wrinkly smudgy wrinkle at the top of the cheekbones that looks like a second set of bags under my eyes which I do already have. This smudgy wrinkle makes me look like a psychopath. I am definitely growing old. I think the smudge is from wearing the coronavirus mask too many times. That smudge is tattooed in. 

I hope to find peace of mind and heart in my old age. 

A shout out to Dosa Paragon East Indian restaurant in Victoria BC. I've been to other East Indian restaurants in town such as Curry Club on Blanchard Street in Victoria and the Tandoori Bistro on Beacon Avenue in Sidney BC and also Royal Aroma in Sidney BC and they are very very good. I would recommend all of them. 

Dosa Paragon is on another level. Cosmic. Their pepper chicken marsala has a smooth creamy texture with a distinct buttery taste. Dosa Paragon is as good as Sitar restaurant in Gastown. 

Years ago I went to India Village on Water Street in Gastown and that restaurant was very good too. I ate in and had the rice and curry. That was a memorable experience although that was in 2002, I think. 

Dosa Paragon is recommended. I once took Heather there. 

Actually all East Indian restaurants are good and you can't go wrong with any of them. There was once an East Indian restaurant on Fort Street that even had ice cream. For some weird reason I never went. Maybe I was preoccupied with other things for years. Anyways, that restaurant had a fire and then it closed. 

The Sitar restaurant in Gastown is really one of the best East Indian restaurants anywhere. I have so many good memories of that restaurant. 

East Indian curry is either made with yoghurt or coconut milk. I prefer the coconut milk variety. The yoghurt based curries have a slightly sour taste. The coconut milk curry has a smooth texture with buttery notes. 

Thailand makes all its curries, red, green and yellow, deng, kiew and luang respectively with coconut milk. 

I couldn't make curry myself. Years ago, in 1997, I tried once using yoghurt and butter and curry powder using a frying pan and it turned out very sour, slightly bitter and under flavored. That was my first and last attempt at making curry. Curry uses cardamom, cumin and coriander, I think. Grind it together using a mortar and pestle then it's curry. 

There is a Chinese curry that's cooked with beef flanks and it's quite tasty too. Curried beef flank with rice or noodle. 

I want to talk about my chili recipe. Fry ground beef in oil and then add in canned chili. Add lots of ketchup. Then add chili sauce or tobacco or something like that. And that's it. Serve with rice. It's really good. 

The James Bay Inn requires a full time dishwasher. I definitely couldn't work full time. I have anxiety and am a nervous person. I don't know if I could work part time either. Jobs once hired have no end and it is more difficult to quit a job than to be hired. Quitting jobs require a two week notice. Once a person starts a job, who knows, they could be there for years. Endless. I like my free time. 

If I get the job, I might not see Suzie ever again, depends on the scheduling. However I think that the friendship with Suzie is a trap. It's a friendship that's going nowhere. It's fake and its a trap. Nothing lasts forever even friendships. One day, there will come a day when I won't see Suzie anymore. No friendship is forever. The idea of not seeing Suzie anymore makes me think of getting the job. I might be able to work part time. Restaurant jobs have an uplifting automatic cruise ship party atmosphere. 

Monday, June 13, 2022

Fear rules my life. I wake up in fear everyday. I am afraid of the years to come. I am afraid of old age. I think my old age will be boring, depressing and scary. However, "Don't believe everything you think."

I went to the James Bay Inn, had a lunch with only water to drink because I'm on a budget and not rich. I told them that I wouldn't be able to be a dishwasher due to my anxiety and that I've lost my nerve as I am going through life. They completely understand and were very nice about it. I would recommend that restaurant. I only discovered the James Bay Inn restaurant at age 51. I discovered the James Bay Inn itself at age 41. It looked expensive so I didn't visit. I wish I had visited years sooner but that's life. I do love that place with all my heart. 

I've had tough times where I was afraid all the time before and I pulled through. The fear was totally gone. Now the fear is back. Hopefully this is also just a phase. Countless people told me that at 52, I am still young and that old age is nothing to fear. "One day at a time." is the most common advice I've gotten. Also, someone told me that old age is fun, it's a blast. 

It's always trading one set of advantages and disadvantages for another when it comes to being old vs being young. 

Old age is supposed to have experience, people expect less of you and don't care what you say as much as when a person is young, their words are more scrutinized. If you say something off the wall when you're young people will say that you're crazy. If you say something off the wall when you're old, people will say, "That's OK. He's old."

I think I'm over the hill and that age 52 is basically the end. Just a few more years. Most celebrities die in their 50s or 60s or early 70s. I think I'm doomed. Some of my friends have moved or are moving to condos. I think I'll be stuck at where I'm living for life. That's why my old age is doomed. 

Love is more powerful than fear. I've been seeing lots and lots of hearts recently. Even obscure mundane things like leaves, orange peels and cookies appeared to me with a distinct heart shape. I see hearts so much lately that I'm starting to think that somebody loves me. Somebody very powerful in the Universe that transcends human intelligence such as God. God loves me. 

A very powerful force in the Universe loves me because that's the only thing that can generate such coincidences. I must have done something right. I see puddles and stains on the street that look like hearts. I blow my nose into a napkin and when I unfold it, I see a heart. The other month, Suzie dumped a cup of coffee she didn't want to finish on the street and when I looked, the puddle of dumped coffee looked like a heart. 

Suzie is a good friend. But I think our friendship is a trap. Actually I think that all women are traps. I'm sure women think that all men are traps and I don't blame them for thinking that. Well, it starts with me thinking that I am a trap to myself and it radiates from there. I am a trap to myself. My anxiety, my indecision, my bad habits, my smoking tobacco and just the strange way that my mind works. I'm kvetched. 

I have no ideas for cartoons. They are all stupid ideas. I have to dump a lot of long completed projects on my tablet. They take up memory and prevent me from making new cartoons. I kind of have a hoarders mentality when it comes to my old cartoon projects. But I never use it or look at them ever again. Yet I still keep them. Take the plunge. Delete the old cartoon projects and create new cartoons. 

I think that Google or somebody is making money off my cartoons and writings and dream journal. I'm getting massively ripped off and stolen from. That's one reason I sometimes think that I'm better off not alive. Perhaps it would be better if I died years ago, that way I wouldn't have gotten so ripped off. 

I think I'll be lonely in my old age. I'll never find a new girlfriend ever again. But that doesn't bother me as much because my sex drive has gone out the window, I have sex anxiety and I believe that women are traps. Given enough time, a friendship with a woman is a trap. Especially if she is bossy and especially if I wind up being on the hook for child support. What a trap! 

I'm a trap to myself so it's mutual. 

Tuesday, June 14, 2022

I saw my friend Suzie again. 

I visited Heather today.

I went to a Chinese restaurant and ordered some crispy pork and rice wrapped in leaves to go. 

Other than that I felt wretched and hopeless in the afternoon and for about an hour was thinking of suicide thinking that my future would be awful and bleak. I won't ever commit suicide because it is a sin. The ultimate sin. My task is to go on living. 

Wednesday, June 15, 2022

There are two new exhibits at the Royal BC Museum. One is called Between Us, Adad Hannah's Social Distancing Portraits. And the other is called Broken Promises. The first one highlights experiences of people during the Covid lock down of 2020. The other is about Japanese Internment during and after World War 2 in British Columbia. Depressing topic but well presented. 

The admission to the entire museum is only $5 for adults. It was a lot more but the third floor is entirely closed down. 

The exhibits at the museum were a total surprise. I'm glad I didn't commit suicide otherwise I wouldn't have seen the exhibits. You never know what tomorrow will bring. 

Everything Everywhere All At Once. A great movie. The movie teaches you to be yourself. Be crazy even. There are no rules. We are all small insignificant creatures so nothing we do really matters. 

Thursday, June 16, 2022 

Woke up in fear yet again. What are the chances of that? 

I worry that I might be stuck in this apartment for life. That I won't move anywhere better. 

I worry that my neighbor Sean Kozinski will drive me crazy. Mass psychosis effect. Folie a deux. He always has a haunted scared look. He claps his hands loudly every half an hour. So loud it could be heard a few rooms away. 

I worry that my old age would be bleak and depressing. 

What if I were to move into a better place one day? 

What if Sean Kozinski moves on to another place one day? 

What if my old age turns out to be not too bad? What if my old age turns out to be a blast, in fact? In some ways the best times I ever had? 

Then I will have spent all this time worrying for nothing. 

I feared that I would never survive the vaccine passport and that it would last forever. I thought it would go on until Septembter at least. It went away in April. 

I feared I would have to work for sweet Heather in a wheelchair for the next ten, twenty years 7 days a week. It turns out that she moved to a better place last month. While I'm still stuck here. I hope that I'm not stuck here in this apartment for life. I would like to move to a better place but I'm not sure what that looks like anymore. 

Ideally I would like to move to a place near UBC. A quiet place with no weird psychotic delinquent neighbours. 

I feel ashamed of myself for smoking tobacco all the time. I sometimes fall off the wagon and smoke pot and that leaves me scared for a few days afterwards. 

I fear my dental condition. The distal side of my very back molar on my lower left has a painful spot. I fear tooth extraction which looks inevitable since it's a non-player, it has no tooth above it since that one got extracted years ago. I fear taking T3 afterward since it's an opiate and I don't want to be stoned. If I don't take the T3 then I will feel intense pain for hours, possibly days. There are 3 teeth that will have to be extracted within the next couple of years and I fear that. One day I'll be edentulous and have to eat soft foods plus I'll look terrible. So many fears, so little time. 

I also fear that I will be in a general state of fear for life. 

What if one day all these worries went away? I'll somehow quit tobacco. My dental procedures although edgy won't be nearly as bad as I think. And I'll get next generation dentures that will make my smile look better than ever before. Then I will have worried and feared for nothing. 

What if one day the impossible happens? That one day I will move to a much better place, possibly a quiet place near UBC? 

However, I don't wish for a BMW anymore. Cars are high maintenance and a whole set of worries. Cars are a money pit. Ride the bus on occasion. It's cheaper. The things I have, are all in my room. A car would always be parked outdoors where it is not with me in my room. BMWs once had a distinct look during the 80s when they were most elegant. But now BMWs look like any other car. One is paying for the name. BMWs don't look that good to me anymore. I don't really care about them. If I could have a 1987 BMW 325i, red, 4 door. It has to be 4 door. I never liked two door. Standard or automatic transmission, who cares. I'll take either. That would be my dream car. Modern BMWs I am indifferent to. 

Only one more episode of Obi-Wan Kenobi. It's allright. It is good that Ewen MacGregor who is just about my age is still into adventures. It gives me hope that being old isn't so bad. If I was 10, Star Wars would excite me more. I a too old for Star Wars to excite me anymore. Stellan Skarsgard is in his 70s and he is very much an adventure star. He is fearless and has no signs of fear or anxiety that I in my mind would associate with old age. He is a good role model of growing old fearlessly. 

The fear upon waking usually dissipates after a couple of hours. When one wakes up, cortisol is released into the body. For years I had no fear when I woke up but that was because I smoked pot daily for decades. It was a numbing agent. Now I have to face myself with no crutch. The fear will go away one day. But I will be older and that makes me afraid. Growing older is growing closer to death whether I want it or not. 

I fear that going to heaven after we die is bullshit. I fear that we go to some random nebulous weird freaky place after we die. Like a weird dream that lasts forever but forever is a really long time. Forever is even longer than a trillion times a trillion times a trillion times a trillion years. And we'd still be around even then?! That's excessive for having lived just 70 years on Earth. It's worse than having paid 5 cents in today's money to see a movie but that movie is ten hours long. 

Well, these days you can pay nothing and binge watch a 28 episode, one hour per episode television series for free. 

I don't smoke pot every day because I fear being addicted and I also fear being broke because smoking pot every day can be pricey. It depends where you go. Some pot shops are less pricey than others. 

These days, when I smoke pot and get that stoned feeling and I tell myself, "This will wear off in an hour or two. But five minutes ago before I smoked pot, I was already at the point that I want to be two hours from now!" Then I have a distinct fear for at least 3 days following. 

Today I took the plunge and plonked down $5 to subscribe to Jake Tran's channel for one month. He has videos too controversial to be released to YouTube. He only has 4 videos, The Bin Laden Papers, Jeffrey Epstein, MK-Ultra and Monsanto. He releases a new video once a month. 

The videos are pretty good. It's worth the money. I won't be emailing him for a refund. 

I just binge watched all 4 of Jake Tran's members only videos. They are definitely worth the money. He goes into great detail. I'll unsubscribe in two weeks, way before the month is up otherwise I'll have to renew the subscription. Since he only releases one video a month to his members only channel, I'll join again in a year to see 12 more videos. The videos will have to be about topics I want to know about. If he does videos about what the government knows about aliens and time travel and releportsrion, then I'll definitely watch. Nikola Tesla experimented with time travel wit small objects and with small lengths of time in the late 1800s, as rumor has it. HG Wells might have written the Time Machine based on his experiments. The US military did a time machine experiment called The Philadelphia Project. But all this is rumor and legend and probably fantasy too. How can a time machine actually be invented? The way to debunk this is if at some point in the distant future, a time machine is invented that could travel to the past, how come the important people that people in the future would want to meet like Jesus Christ or Bill Gates or President Abraham Lincoln, how come these people never talked about meeting time travelers from the future? However I doubt that any time travelers in the future would want to meet me. I'm not important enough. There are only a very few people that time travelers from the future would want to meet. 

Maybe one day collective time travel will be invented. Just as the World is about to end, a collective time machine carries all of humanity or else most of humanity to a point in the distant past to start all over again. 

This idea is talked about in the movie Repo Man where "the lattice of coincidences" is discussed. 

One day the Universe itself will come to an end. In that time some advanced extra terrestrial civilization would send themselves to the past to save themselves and to start over again. 

So I hope that Jake Tran does a video about 1. Aliens 2. Time travel 3. Teleportation 4. Ghosts, are they real or not? Technically anyone you see in a dream and recognize as someone who died is a ghost. They look more real than real and do things you couldn't have foreseen or imagined. But to see a ghost in this life and not asleep in a dream is something else. 

Some of Jake Trans videos that I thought would be members only are public. He did a video about John McAfee and a video about Jamal Kashoggi that is available for public view. He also did quite a few videos about gangsters. Those are very controversial and very dangerous topics. However those topics could be found in books at a library if you're brave enough to dig around for that kind of information. Topics like that are taught in University in History and Sociology and also Criminology courses. 

Friday, June 17, 2022

Getting closer to my dentist appointment for teeth cleaning. I am terrified because there are some sensitive spots on my teeth. 

Old age is "It was the best of times, it was the worst of times." Just like youth which can also be the best and worst of times. Youth is full of angst and anger and lack of experience. Old age has the experience and wisdom compared to youth. In life, it could be, save the best for last. Hopefully. 

Today, I took a risk and went to the Sidney BC Museum of Aviation. The admission price was $15. The Museum of Aviation was much better than I thought. There were all kinds of old planes, hundreds of models of airplanes. There were a lot of models of World War 2 airplanes that were very popular in the 50s, 60s and 70s. The 70s TV series Baa Baa Black Sheep made World War 2 plane models popular. There was an old Viscount airplane. These old propeller planes used to bring people across Canada. There were opportunities to look inside some actual life sized World War 2 planes and you really got the vibe of the old times. Recommended. 

I then went to the Sidney BC Aquarium Centre for the Salish Sea. Then I went for a walk to the pier. Today I talked to a lot of really beautiful ladies in Sidney BC and they talked to me too. Talking to beautiful ladies is uplifting. I went to the Thai restaurant for the buffet which went up from $15.99 to $16.99. One dollar, whoop tee doo. However the buffet was over when I got there. The ladies working there were incredibly beautiful, I remember that. I should have spoken a few more words with them but they seemed distracted and busy, plus I never met them before. At my age, I'm still shy. It was a really good day. "This is the day that the Lord has made.  I shall rejoice and be glad in it." There are so many religions. I hope I picked the right one. If Christianity is true, why are there so many religions? Each religion claims its the right one. I was a Buddhist for a few years but got back to Christianity since there are no Buddhist temples in this town. Christianity is the National religion of Canada. Buddha was a Prince who became a sage whereas Jesus was the Son of God. Jesus performed miracles and rose from the dead. That's more awesome than Buddha. Jesus offers a path to God and Jesus said that He will always be with you. Buddha taught that if you meditate and follow the eight fold path, you may or may not be enlightened. He never claimed to be able to follow you and protect you like Jesus did. And Buddhism doesn't talk about heaven and guardian angels. Maybe Buddhism does, maybe Buddhism doesn't, I admit that I'm not sure. 

Saturday, June 18, 2022

Today I visited Heather. Sweet  Heather. 

Then I afterwards found some nice black slacks on the street. The brand was Perry Ellis portfolio. Sounds expensive and high fashion. For free. So I scooped them. They seemed to fit me. The pants are comfortable. 

Last week, I found a pair of beige US Polo pants. They match my beige light jacket. When I wear them together, it resembles a uniform. Women love a man in uniform. And women have been smiling at me lots the last few days. More than usual anyways. 

Even though this town has lots of beautiful women, I think I'll be single for life. 

This afternoon, to get out of my apartment I went to the beach with my scooter. I imagine that I'm Tron future warrior or else the Mandalorian with my scooter. If I was a Jedi, I'd have lightsabers. Tron the future warrior who uses a scooter as transportation and as a weapon. I can't stay in my apartment all day. I get freaked out, anxiety and cabin fever. I need to go out somewhere for a walk every day. However if there is a record heat wave or its extra cold, I have to stay in my apartment all day for survival purposes. 

This is the screenshot of one of my customizable keuboards:

As you can see, I chose an exhibit from the Museum of Vancouver which depicts 50s heaven in a house in the suburbs. 

This is a screenshot of another one of my customizable keyboards:

This is 50s Vancouver. Fred Herzog photograph. 

I wish I was born in 1950. It was a magical time. Maybe not so magical. Someone said in the comments section of a YouTube video of Ray Liota's last interview, "The 80s were a good time to be a kid but not an adult. Adults watched endless News cycles on television and they were 9 to 5 slaves. There was a rigid social code. If you were different from the norm, you had problems." The 50s were like that too, but even more so. 

A YouTube channel called TrekTrendy features a man who travels on trains luxury and otherwise and also lots and lots of airplanes luxury and otherwise. The amount of traveling he does would give most people including me anxiety. He is fearless. I would like to be fearless like that. I often think of traveling to London is in my future. However I neither have the money nor the courage to go. I still have some food anxiety and sex anxiety as well. Travel anxiety too. Maybe I'm not as anxiety ridden as I think. There are people in my apartment building who claim to have no travel anxiety but they never go anywhere. They stay in their room all the time. Meanwhile I go to visit the beach often, I often visit museums getting annual passes, I travel to Sidney BC often and two months ago I went to Vancouver which was a heavenly paradise experience. I went to the BC Aviation museum yesterday which is Sidney BC but far away from downtown Sidney. You have to go way out of your way to get there. 

I'm doing a cartoon about anxiety. God knows when I'll complete it. I'm going to try to make the short cartoon to be full of dialogue unlike any other cartoons I've done. I get nervous about uploading a cartoon. I'll either get no comments or a lot of comments all of them snarky. My YouTube career is on the skids. However I heard of worse stories. I heard of someone 28 years old who got over one million followers on Tik Tok but he got depressed and then killed himself somehow. I guess it's better to be old like me and get only a few hundred subscribers and not kill themself. 

Maybe it's not my time to be famous yet. One day my time might come. Who knows. My cartoons are very amateur. Not professional level production values. Plus I never went to art school which would have given me some very valuable pointers. Most art schools have an animation course. 

I was in Vancouver in 2011 and went to the Emily Carr art college on Granville Island. I looked through the window of a locked door of the animation studio there. Just then a very friendly Japanese guy who was a student had a key and he let me in to look at the animation studio tables. That was a good day. 

Beckley Manor

I hope that I'm not stuck in this hotel for life. If I ever do move, I would miss some things. I'd miss the hotel manager who I refer to as the landlord. He is a very wise and sagely man. I'd miss the view from my window. It's a better view than most. 

The architectural acoustics of the hotel I am currently living in is just awful wretched, ghastly, loathsome, insufferable and much hated. 

If I am ever rich, I'd either move to a place near UBC or else I'd like to live at Beckley Manor on Dallas Road, top floor, corner apartment with a view of the beach and Holland Point Park. Although I would accept any apartment there, hopefully with a view of the beach and Holland Point Park. To dream the impossible dream... 

KaraAndNate on YouTube have great videos. They survived 72 Hours on a desert island with nothing but coconut milk, coconuts, fish and rainwater. They knew about making sun tea with hibiscus leaves and unboiled rain water. They have another great video about surviving 144 hours on a canoe. 

Sunday, June 19, 2022

Today, my friend who is moving out gave me a Persian rug. Used. He offered another rug but that one was too big for my room. Now come to think of it, if he's throwing it away, I wouldn't mind getting it. It would be a miracle if I did. I'll let you know. 

This afternoon, I visited the Museum again since I have an annual pass. 

I went to 7-11 with Heather and sweet Heather got me a pizza and a Slurpee. 

Then I went to Church again in the afternoon. The afternoon is the choir singing. I went today because it's the Sunday closest to the longest day of the year. 

The morning male preacher said that it is man who can think of the future even distant future. He also said that it is the animals along with humans that have the amygdala fight or flight fear response. While animals only feel fight or  flight during imminent evident danger, humans mix the two, future thinking and fight or flight and feel fear about things that have a remote to no chance chance of happening. 

The afternoon female preacher said that Abraham got married relatively late in life. She also said that as time goes on you go through changes that make you a new you. Do not fall back into the patterns of the old you. Grow out of your comfort zone. For instance if you used to drink beer and do drugs all the time, if you stopped for reasons of growing spiritually, do not relapse into old patterns of drinking and drugging. She didn't say it in so many words. For eg I myself stopped taking the Lord's name in vain, I stopped thinking that suicide might be even a viable option, it is no option at all and I quit drinking coffee because it was giving me anxiety and I quit smoking Marijuana because it was giving me paranoia and fear. Well with Marijuana, I very occasionally fall off the wagon and I still pick and collect roaches found on the street. I have quite a "roach pile" or else a pile of garbage. If I ever smoke again which I just might, I have quite a bit of free Marijuana. I don't want to spend too much money on Marijuana or else I'd wind up broke. If I was broke, I would die of starvation. However I have been broke for years and I never died of starvation. 

I hope I get the other Persian rug. My friend said it was worth $1,500. Who knows if it is. He often says things like that. 

The Persian rug I already got is rectangular and light. The other Persian rug is octagonal and heavy. Rugs are difficult to clean unless one has a vaccum cleaner. And dirt accumulates under rugs as well. Plus I wouldn't know how to shampoo a rug. 

I'm thinking of seeing the new Jurassic Park movie. At age 52 I'm a dinosaur so why not see a dinosaur movie? 

I saw the movie The Mimic starring Thomas Sadoski. IMDB reviewers all gave it a one star review. I watched it all the way through and it wasn't too bad. It was entertaining enough and I would give it 5 stars. The dialogue is rich and the movie was compelling enough to make me watch it to the end. It is a story of one man who meets another man who stalks him. The man decides that the person stalking him is definitely a sociopath. M Emmet Walsh who was Captain Bryant in the original Blade Runner movie has a role in this movie. Marilu Henner who has an eidetic and encyclopedic memory and was in the TV series Taxi also appears in this movie. 

Monday, June 20, 2022

Visited Heather. She went to art class and painted a picture. I love Heather so much. 

Went to Fairway market and got pork knuckles and bim bim bap sushi. 

Took an afternoon walk to the breakwater at Ogden Point. 

Had an evening walk to the tourist bureau office near the Empress Hotel. 

Tuesday, June 21, 2022

I went to the breakwater at Ogden Point again. 

I just love love love the jazz channel. However I can't watch without writing down the names of the artist and songs I like and downloading the videos of those songs from YouTube onto my Sony ipod. 

Since it is very rare that I watch the jazz channel, it was good luck that I discovered the guitarist Brent Ellis and his song The Hands of Time. He is a great guitarist. Not many people are that talented. 

Other than that life is boring and full of depression even though I have a big screen television, the internet, a walkman, a tablet with apps. Which leaves me wondering how depressed and bored I'd be had I lived in the early 1900s which had no radio let alone television etc. 

In the early 1900s, people visited each other more often and had more and longer conversations. Today conversations are short as standard issue. No one has time for long conversations. Visits were more welcome because there was otherwise no television and no radio. 

When I die then I'll have no more access to my walkman and my headphones and my music. I don't think you can have a walkman with music in the afterlife. The physics of the afterlife somehow don't permit that. Therefore I'm scared to die and be forever separated from my walkman and my music. 

Some questions. Down the rabbit hole, again. White Supremacy. If I were White, I'd worry about that. 

White Supremacy predispose that race is primary and Nationalism is secondary when a hundred years ago, Nationalism is primary, race is secondary which is the mentality that led to the great European Wars namely World War 1 and World War 2 when White people were killing each other on an industrial scale. 

That's still going on today with the conflict between Russia and Ukraine. 

White Supremacy conveniently glosses over the fact that a White person might be French or German or Scandinavian and it also glosses over the fact that the British are really running the show. 

Notice that the wording is very particular. It's White Supremacy and not British Supremacy or French Supremacy or Scandinavian Supremacy. Or God forbid German Supremacy because that's too much shades of World War 2. White Supremacy implies a cultural hegemony. 

The notion of an overall White Supremacy also acquiesces to that structure of an EU where individual National currencies are replaced with the Euro. This centralized form of currency means the currency is funneled from all other European Nations to one central European currency location. Localized National control and banking controls of currencies are eliminated and replaced with one central currency organization that benefits the one percent, of whom are mostly British. The rich get richer. The Lira, the Franc, the Reichsmark I mean the the Deutschmark, the Zloty, the Peso, the Drachma, the Kronegeld etc all that is out the window, replaced with the Euro. 

White Supremacy glosses over that White people do terrible things to one another. Lots and lots of White people were under the Mk-Ultra program.*

*source: Jake Tran. MK-Ultra. YouTube. Members Only channel. 

And I'll see you Indian Residential Schools of the past and raise you these discipline camps where White people knowingly or unknowingly to this day send their teens to places where they are sleep deprived, food deprived while being made to go on long marches sometimes. A few teens died in these places. These teens are typically taken away late at night. Two very large men appear and say, "We can do this the easy way or the hard way"*

*soirce: Jake Tran. Something Insanely Disturbing is Happening. YouTube. 

That there are other Nationalities who are non-white referred to as minorities are peripheral accessories that support this structure. This notion of White Supremacy also cuts down on the chances of future European wars. This also encourages formations of special interest groups aligned to the ideology of White Supremacy so they can take advantage of White people saying, "We White people got to look out for one another, therefore... Give me money!" The News is totally on board with this as the News is owned by the one percent who would totally be for the idea of a singular centralized form of currency. News = Never Ending White Supremacy. 

Of course propaganda is internalized doesn't really cross boundaries so therefore in Asia, Asians think amongst themselves that they're the superior race especially the really hard core right wing ones. I can see one day there would be a centralized Asian currency structure similar to the EU and the formation of Euros as a generic currency. "Forget that you may be Chinese or Japanese or Korean or Philippino or Thai. We're all Asians together."

Same thing in Africa too where Black people believe that they're the Supreme race and Black Supremacy is the coin of the realm in Africa which explains why a lot of White people run into problems in South Africa. Perhaps one day there will be a singular centralized African currency similar to the Euro in Europe. 

Heck, continental currency might be coming down the pike for N America and S America too which would be a counterpart to all these free trade deals like NAFTA and BAFTA. 

Of course crypto currency like bitcoin makes Euros and the like irrelevant. Crypto currency is even worse as instead of intercontinental currencies there is an international currency, more centralization, more money funneled to one central locale and the attendant evil that is the oligarchs. 

As an Asian, if I were living in Asia, I wouldn't give in to the local temptation to think that Asians are the agrarian race because there are so many interesting and smart and talented people of all Nationalities. I've met people of all Nationalities whose intellect really impressed me. Black people are geniuses even super geniuses in making music. 

Jake Tran said that Asians are intensely Nationalistic hence the ongoing rivalries between Chinese, a Japanese, Koreans, etc

Well, just asking questions that's all. I love people of all Nationalities. This topic could probably be so discussed in University courses such as Anthropology 101 or Sociology 101. 

Along these lines, if Russia wins in Ukraine of course the Ukrainian hryvnia be dissolved as a currency and would be immediately be replaced with the Russian ruble. If the West wins in Ukraine then the hryvnia will be commuted and sublimated into the Euro. Either way. Ukraine could hold their own against Russia for a long time as I suspect that Western PMCs or private military companies are helping the Ukrainians but of course this information would be classified. It's real Mission Impossible stuff. Nobody really knows what's going on, well at any rate, I myself don't know. I'm just a small timer. It's none of my business anyways. I just sometimes wonder though because the mind wanders...

Wednesday, June 22, 2022

"Many of you will be going to Vietnam. Some of you won't be returning. But remember this, the Marine Corps lives forever. And that means You live forever!" Full Metal Jacket

Church teaches that when a person dies they go to Heaven forever if they are faithful in God. Forever bothers me. Even a googol years which is 1 followed with a hundred zeros. Well, forever is longer than that. Even the Universe itself at the very outside will be finished in a fraction of time as a googol years. That's sure milking 70 years of living on Earth to be followed with an eternity of existence in the afterlife after that. What would we be doing in a googol years? Eternity is even longer than a googol times a Googol times a googol years which is 1 with three hundred zeros after it. We'd still be around in heaven even after that and more?!  The whole thing is overwhelming when you think about it. 

A point a googol years in the past existed and a point a googol years in the future will exist. In the midst of all that, we are here. How baffling. What's the point of existing? 

I woke up in fear today. Again. What were the chances of that? Fear is a result of distorted perception. Fear is a result of cherry picking the negative and glossing over the positive. 

I visited sweet Heather today. Twice. I really love Heather a lot. I will always be there for her. I hope she gets better and can walk again. I love my sweetness. 

I went to the pawn store and ordered cutting tweezers from Amazon. They will do orders off Amazon for a $5 processing fee, paid in advance. I got hangnail tweezers and they work only so good as they are constructed at an angle. The cutting tweezers I ordered today are from Pakistan and can cut wire. They are proper tweezers. I hope to cut off excess hard crusting in my left nostril which since it has been there for a long time, over a year if not decades, I think I will have that problem for life unless a miracle occurs and I discover a way to deal with it so that it goes away. 

This afternoon, I went to see Jurassic World Dominion. The dinosaur chase scenes were really good. There was a scene I was expecting to see but it wasn't in the movie. It was only in the trailer. Otherwise a very good movie. Recommended. 

The director Colin Trevorrow specifically said that he would be cutting out the prologue scene from the final movie. Too bad. That's the scene I had paid money for to see. 

"Forget the hat!" Laura Dern, Jurassic World Dominion

Thank God for the gift of life. 

A strange occurrence happened to me this evening. I was walking back from sweet Heather's new apartment. I picked up some garbage off the street and threw it in the garbage. Then I walked towards the right side of the sidewalk not wanting to walk on the left side of the sidewalk. Then a guy walked up behind me and muttered softly, to me, "You're walking at a weird angle. Where are you going, brother?" I think I've seen him before. And he was muttering to himself or to others even then. He probably mutters to himself and others where ever he goes because people work in patterns. He has grey hair cut to a crew cut. But he addressed me as brother which can't be too bad. 

Years ago, heck, decades ago, a lady told me about Pollyanna. She always saw the good side of things, even bad events. That's unrealistic but so is always seeing the bad side of things, even good events. Being a Pollyanna is healthier for the mind. I think Pollyanna is a movie from the 60s adapted from a novel of the same name. Being a Pollyanna can help take away the fear of life. 

I fear the afterlife. Having consciousness forever even millions and millions of years but without having access to a Walkman with headphones. I can live without smoking pot or tobacco but I can't live without a Walkman and headphones. 

A YouTube channel from Japan called Tales Along The Way is about a young Japanese man who goes on trips in a camper in the back of his truck. It is a fascinating and calming channel. His name is Tabi-Ae. Some of his videos get over a million views. He cooks his own food and made tempura with one bowl with flour egg and water all mixed and another bowl of panko breading. He made takoyaki in another video. In a video in which he camped in his car, he made Khao mun kai which is Thai style chicken and rice. 

Thursday, June 23, 2022

Classism exists in every country and is more unescapable than racism, if you decide to move to a country where you're one of the majority rather than a visible minority. 

With Classism, those who are richer than you like to rub what they won in your face and you become a foil to their success which is a kind of psychic vampirism or else a bad energy jangle. And those who are poorer than you will try to pull you down to their level which again is a kind of psychic vampirism or else a bad energy jangle. Only make friends with those who are in your class exactly. 

There are stabbings in the downtown eastside but the vast majority is that people will sell fake drugs whether those people are from other neighborhoods or not. It might work for awhile and they might make some money but eventually they get stabbed. There are always greedy money-hungry unscrupulous people willing to take advantage of a person's drug addiction to heroin or cocaine. Even Debbie Hellion doesn't think that random people get stabbed or else she'd move from there. She often yells at people, "You're going on YouTube, fucktard!" as she records them which would piss off people to no end yet she doesn't get stabbed. 

A Police Officer in the television series Through A Blue Lens said, "Don't sell fake drugs because that's going to get you stabbed."

The lineup at the breakfast club is downtown eastside light. Even the tents at Our Place community centre is downtown eastside light, like Miller light, but Debbie lives at ground zero. The tent city outside Debbie's apartment is as bad as it gets in the downtown eastside yet she lives there with no fear for her safety. She even takes night walks there and this is after using all kinds of cannabis, smoking cannabis and eating cannabis edibles and even microdosing on magic mushrooms. She can still maintain because she is fearless. Whereas I'm the opposite. Even when I smoke a bit of cannabis, I get extremely paranoid and think that people are planning to kill me. If they are, they're sure taking their old sweet time. Why haven't they done it yet? Why trade a larger window of time for a smaller window of time. It would be a weird edgy day but it would soon enough be gotten over with and I'd be in the afterlife for all that it has and doesn't have. Does the afterlife have cable TV? Does it have the internet? Spirits in the afterlife won't be as much interested in the movies of this life because the movies of this life are under the culture of existing with this set of physics. Spirits in the afterlife exist under a different set of physics. In this life the set of physics include needing to eat and to sleep, one cannot pass through walls or teleport and one eventually dies. In the afterlife, spirits don't need to eat or sleep, can pass through walls and teleport and they don't have to worry about dying, ever. 

Today I went to Ogden Point and I saw the Cunard cruise ship, Queen Elizabeth! I almost didn't go to Ogden Point. I thought of going somewhere else. And even when I saw the ship, it was blocking the blue building I like to look at. But I thought why not see a big cruise ship. The Queen Elizabeth is a magnificent ship. Seeing the ship made today one of the best days ever. I sure didn't think I'd see the cruise ship Queen Elizabeth when I woke up this morning. 

Then in the afternoon I picked out some hard rubbery mucus in my left nostril. There was quite a bit of blood but I was able to pick it out. I think that I'll have to be doing this for life. It feels so nice when the lump isn't there. I've seen 8 doctors including an Ear Nose Throat doctor and a doctor at the Royal Jubilee Hospital. They all said that I have nothing to worry about and that I won't die from this because I thought that I might. The admitting doctor at Royal Jubilee Hospital said that I should believe the doctors and the ENT doctor because I told him that I sort of didn't believe them because health anxiety typically causes one to not believe doctors when doctors say that it's going to be OK and that there's nothing seriously wrong. I'm 52 years old. I wonder if I'll make it to 60. And when I turn 60, I'll really intensely believe that I won't make it to 70. And if I turn 70, I'll super intensely believe that I won't make it to 80. Then when I turn 80, I won't care anymore. After 50, with each passing decade, there are serious doubts as to whether one will make it through to another decade. 

Donald Trump ran for President at age 70 in 2016. At age 70, I myself would not necessarily think that I'd make it to 74. Donald Trump has superhuman confidence and superhuman lack of health anxiety as far as I'm concerned because at 70 he believed that he would make it to 74, heck to 78 in case he won a second term but history did not permit him a second term. President Joe Biden is even more incredible. He was 78 when he became President. If I were 78, I sure as heck wouldn't believe necessarily that I'd make it to 82. If a man gets elected as a US President at age 78, he'd have to live to at least 82 to complete his term of Office assuming he doesn't go for a second term. His confidence and lack of health anxiety is superhuman. 

Again I'm 52 and have doubts that I'd make it to 60 because of my nose problem. Why would I have to go on living for? It's not like I'm a father or grandfather. I have nothing like that to live for. I don't know what I have to live for. Travel? I have travel anxiety. Marriage and sex? My sex drive is gone and I have sex anxiety. Eating? I have food anxiety. 

Friday, June 23, 2022

Today I went to Thriftys Supermarket on Menzies Street. I had spied a few months ago and today made a beeline to get Murchies Hot Chocolate for $10.

Then I went to Ogden Point and saw Royal Princess Hamilton cruise ship. This ship is even bigger than cruise ship Queen Elizabeth. 

Then I went home. At least I spent some part of the day going out today. To spend all day at home would give me cabin fever and PTSD. 

On Sunday is the Pride parade in Fagtoria BC. I don't know if I'll go. There's usually bare breasted women as part of the parade. Afterwards there is a party at Mcdonald Park with food stalls and dancing. I don't know if I'll go. If people see me there, they'll think I'm gay as they would think anyone is who goes there. I wonder if there would be some kind of gay orgy there. Just kidding. I guess anyone could go there if they want to. Gay people are very spiritual people. 

Andrea Perron's interview with Deb Rousseau on Friday June 24 is what prompted me to write the following. In that interview she talks exhaustively about the Roe VS Wade overturned issue. 

In the United States, Roe vs Wade the Law that says a woman can have an abortion in the first trimester has been overturned. President Joe Biden is a Catholic and Catholics don't believe in abortion. Trudeau is a Catholic too. So hospitals in the US are legally not allowed to perform abortions. It's back to the back alley coat hanger specialists. Catholics don't ordain female Priests. Catholicism is a male run organization. Why should men legislate what happens to a woman's body? Men don't fully understand what a woman goes through. Why should any government legislate what people do with their bodies? People's bodies belong to themselves. Governments like to legislate what drug a person can and can not put in their bodies. And they legislate whether a woman can have an abortion. What about in the cases of rape and incest? What if the baby would threaten a woman's life say a 95 pound woman has a ten pound baby or if it's known the baby will have a breach birth? That's dangerous if not fatal. What if the baby were to be born severely retarded or else deformed like a thalidomide baby? Nick Vujicic was born without arms and without legs. And I thought I had problems... 

No woman should be pressured to have children. I don't blame them for not wanting to. There's already enough people on this Earth. Pregnancy is a hassle. What about the morning after pill? Would that be considered as a form of abortion too? This world is going to hell in a handbasket. Would there be any loopholes to this abortion law? All laws have loopholes and high priced lawyers know these loopholes. What if an American woman travels to a country where abortion is legal such as Canada and Thailand etc? 

No law has been enforced with 100% efficiency. Drugs are illegal yet there's thousands if not millions of junkies. Murder is illegal yet lots of people get done in every year. Abortion is illegal but women can either access a black market bootlegger abortionist or they might attempt to do the abortion themselves with a coat hanger as some have done for a long time, well, for as long as cost hangers have been invented. Doing a quick Google search, the coat hanger was invented in 1869. 

As for the drugs, some people can use drugs and be responsible and maintain. But if a person uses drugs and then gets crazy or psychotic or bonkers then there should be laws against that. Anyone who gets bonkers crazy with or without using drugs should be dealt with from the law. 

The irony of men who smoke tobacco and drink alcohol all the time telling women that they shouldn't have abortions for the sake of their health or else the health of the baby. 

As a man, I would say to women, "I have no right to legislate or to even push for legislation that decides what you should do with your body. Your body is your own. You should do with your body what you feel is right."

Breaking In The Habit, a channel on YouTube discusses what he thinks about abortion. Of course he is a Catholic Priest. His ideas sound good on paper but reality is a different thing. 

A law stating that no woman should have an abortion is just as weird as an obverse law which would be a law stating that all women or even a certain percentage of women should have an abortion. Hegelian dialectics.

There is the letter of the law and the spirit of the law. It's going to be Ok. God is with you. 

The question is, Is it moral to pass Laws forcing people to be moral? Moral relativism. 

What can you say about the US government? The same government passing Laws that forbid abortion is the same government that would clearcut the forest to make a Canada US border. These kinds of borders don't exist in Europe. 

The American government is descended from the Puritans. 

"The Puritans came to America because things weren't strict enough in Europe for them. They wanted to come to America so that they could be even more strict." Craig Ferguson

It's not so bad. The best music and the best movies ever came from the United States. Douglas Bloch, Joel Osteen and Joyce Meyer are from the United States and they are some of the greatest people ever. 

Star Wars is from the United States. Tron as well. 

There are quite graphic photographs of aborted fetuses on the Internet. Decency prevents me from posting them. Anyone can search for them. These pictures can give anyone nightmares and anxiety. Abortion is ugly. 

Catholics argue that the unborn baby has rights. I think they're right. Abortion should not be done unless its an emergency. Babies who are born to parents unable or unwilling to care for them can be sent to a sent to a Catholic orphanage, a kibbutz or any kind of foster homes. Otherwise healthy unborn babies that do not threaten the life of the pregnant mother should be cared for to the utmost. These babies birthright is life. But life is a tough row to hoe. Life has stress, anxiety, depression, fear, boredom, disappointment, and the attendant evils of old age being disillusionment and eventual decrepitude. 

"To have never existed may be the greatest boon of all." Socrates, from the movie Match Point

However life has great things available to anyone rich or poor, successful or unsuccessful, such as 60s, 70s and 80s music, good movies, good food, views of the forest and the beach, etc. Life has the certainty of love because everybody on the Earth has somebody who loves them. 

*source: Canada & The United States Bizarre Border. CGP Grey. YouTube

Saturday, June 25, 2022

Another day of boredom. Every day is either boring or fearsome or else depressing. Days of bliss are rare. I used to at least feel the bliss of Sunday vibes every Sunday. Not anymore. I dread the years ahead. 

Today, I visited Heather, my love. When I went with her to a thrift shop, I got a dark blue Polo Ralph Lauren short sleeve dress shirt with white buttons . It's a seersucker shirt. It looks really good with my beige pants and also beige Polo light jacket. With the jacket slung over one shoulder while I'm holding the jacket, I look like a runway fashion model. Just visualize the colours. I wonder if you was the seersucker shirt, will it lose its texture as it has a unique exquisite pockmarked texture. 

I saw a YouTube video about the Fall 2021 Polo Ralph Lauren fashions on the channel Polo Ralph Lauren. Some of the models are old, in their 50s and 60s and they give me hope for my old age that even when one is old, they can still be a fashion model and look very smart and stylish while doing it especially wearing Ralph Lauren clothing which is very pricey. I wouldn't be able to afford Ralph Lauren clothing new. 

Some brands like Gucci and Benetton have stipulations that their clothing is not to be sold at thrift or second hand clothing stores. These brands would sooner see their unsold clothes in the incinerator. But Polo is good in that a lot of their clothes can sometimes be found at thrift stores. Tommy Hilfiger clothing can be found at thrift stores too. 

Yesterday I saw two movies. 

Hello Mr Billionaire is a movie from China. It's a copy of Brewster's Millions in which a man has one month to spend a billion dollars. At the end of it he can't own anything. He can't give the money away to charity either. So he hires people to work for him and he finances the entrepreneurial dreams of others. If he can do it, he then goes on to inherit 30 billion dollars. A billion is a lot of money. If someone was to spend a million dollars every three months, it would take him 250 years to go through a billion. Money can bring problems. I'm a people over places person. I'd move to a better town and leave all the friends I met in this town behind rather than to forsake better towns to stay with the friends in this town. But it's not an easy choice to make. I get attached to people. If I had a billion, I couldn't move to another town and leave Heather here. To move brings you to new sets of people and the problems and challenges derived thereof. Get a new car especially a sports car. There are lots of assholes on the road. I run into enough assholes as a pedestrian. I walk down the street. It seems people are walking directly towards me. I go in one direction to avoid them and they walk towards me in that direction too. And then I go another direction to avoid them and they walk in that direction too. Its more of an issue in smaller towns where there is lots of space and relatively few people and this still happens. In bigger cities you take it as a given that the streets are more crowded and people are everywhere and you get more desensitized to it in a big city. My dream is to live in a nice place all alone. No neighbors above or besides me where you often hear them moving around and moving furniture. However hotels have neighbours to make you feel less alone and often landlords or else hotel managers are kindly wise and safely people. Travel is a hassle and stressful especially for those with a preexisting anxiety disorder such as yours truly. Owning too many things overwhelm me and there are decisions that have to be made with each item one owns such as where to place them and what to do if one starts accumulating too many things and what to throw away. Being a billionaire would be too much for me. No thanks. I would rather be poor and comfortable and happy and have no anxiety than to be a billionaire with anxiety. Not that I would ever have to worry about that. I doubt I'd ever become a millionaire, let alone a billionaire. Through what vector would I become a millionaire? 

Be a billionaire and get a nice car? Out of the question. To get a car and get involved in a serious accident is much worse than never having owned a car at all. That's why I don't want a BMW. Even as a billionaire, it's better to ride the public bus on occasions when you need to. I wonder how many people ride the bus who are secretly millionaires. I guess as a billionaire, you could hire a chauffeur who is very careful on the road and also is an expert in defensive driving. 

Footloose is a 1984 movie starring Kevin Bacon of Animal House. Kevin Bacon was born in 1958. In Animal House he was 19 years old and portraying a college student. In Footloose he was 25 years old portraying a high school student. It is a different style of dance than Saturday Night Fever portrayed in this movie. It's a 38 year old movie. 

Today I watched two movies. 

Horns is a Daniel Radcliffe movie and Heather Graham is in this movie too. The note that Mirren wrote to Daniel Radcliffe or else Ig saying that one day he will have children and grand children and great grandchildren and when he is very old he will walk to the treehouse and she will be there waiting for him like she did when they first met, that scen brought tears. True love lasts forever. 

The diner in the movie Horns in Rocko's diner in Mission BC. There is a sign painted on the wall there that says Horns and other movies were filmed there. 

I have a problem with the word forever. Scientifically, forever is even longer than one followed with a trillion zeros years long. The love wouldn't dissipate in all that time? Apparently not. Time is weird. Einstein said that everything is happening simultaneously and that the passage of time is an illusion. Therefore time travel is time experienced on an objective level. That's the time signature that quantum physics works with. If one had the power, theoretically one can time travel to a point 1 followed with a trillion zeros later and then come right back again a few moments later. Spirits in the afterlife are supposed to have this power under the time dynamic they exist under. But then it remains that the trip to the future they take, after they come back to the present and some time matches on, that trip to the future they took will have become a past event. If you want to know more, talk to a University professor about this. 

The other movie I watched today is called Life starring Rebecca Ferguson from Dune and Doctor Sleep. I think that Rebecca Ferguson is the most beautiful woman in all the Earth and in all of history. 

Lori Singer from Footloose is quite beautiful too, she was also in The Falcon and the Snowman. Lori Singer is old now. Lori Singer looked like the perfect iconic archetypal California College girl. 

Evangeline Lilly from the Hobbit as Tauriel is also intensely beautiful. Perfect out of this world beautiful. She also went to UBC which is one of my most favourite places on Earth. UBC is heaven on Earth, in my opinion. UBC vibes once you know them and feel it intensely is a heavenly vibe. 

Anyways Life is about a very tiny creature from Mars that performs rapid mitosis and also meiosis on itself and in no time grows to a large creature that eats humans and needs oxygen to survive. Basically it's a kind of bedbug. It's from Mars and it needs oxygen? Mars isn't known for a planet being rich with oxygen. And it needs to eat humans? How did it acquire a taste for humans after living on Mars so so many millions of years? Mars isn't known for its preexisting human population. Otherwise it a movie very much like Ridley Scott's Alien. If the movie Life was made in the 70s, bubblegum trading cards might have been made from it as was the movie Alien. Ryan Reynolds is in this movie too. 

This movie has a surprise twist ending. 

"She had a motility of thought." Jurassic World Dominion

Time and space is an illusion according to quantum physics. 

The time space continuum. 

One is merely accessing codes. An omen is a code of the future intruding on the present moment. A coincidence is a code from the past intruding on the present moment. Seeing a movie trailer from a movie to be released in the future is seeing code from the future. Seeing a movie from the past or an old Newsreel is seeing code from the past. Seeing a movie trailer about a historical period piece movie is simultaneously seeing code from the future and past. 

Time travel is time experienced on an objective level. The way we go through time is time experienced on a subjective level since Einstein said that the passage of time is an illusion and all things are happening simultaneously. And then there's time dilation. 

Time is a construct. Daylight savings time, time zones, how in one country it's 2021 but in another country it's the year 4 thousand and something. 

The point is time is a multifaceted algorithm and it depends on what dynamic or modality you choose to work from. 

This is best illustrated with chess pieces. 

Pawns - represent time on a subjective level. Pawns moving forward represents traveling through time on a subjective level. Pawns moving diagonally represent moving through space on a subjective level. 

Towers - represent time travel and forwards and back again in the same space. 

Bishops - represent teleportation there and back again in the same time. 

Queens - represent time travel and teleportation simultaneously whether teleporting and returning at a different time or time traveling and coming back to a different place where you started. 

Kings - represent telephone calls which is teleporting to another place with the voice while staying where you are represented with Kings moving diagonally and also represents traveling with an airplane on the Earth to a place with a different time zone and also coming back from that place with a different time zone, each occasion experiencing jet lag represented with Kings moving forwards and backwards. Jet lag is when the subjective experience of time clashes with the objective experience of time. 

Knights - represent Einsteinian time dilation like with interstellar or how a grandparent dies and is in the afterlife and sees their grandchild in the afterlife a few moments later while that grandchild has lived a full 80 years on Earth or how someone has a near death experience and reviews every single second of their life in a life review of a life spanning many decades but when they wake up, people on Earth say that they were gone for only a few minutes. Or time dilation like in the movie Interstellar. Cooper had only been gone for 7 hours but to the people on Earth, he had been gone for 90 years. 

Your side of the chessboard represents you moving through time and space through whatever dynamic, subjective, objective, time travel, teleportation, time dilation. And the other side of the chessboard represents all other people moving through time and space through whatever dynamic, subjective, objective, time travel, teleportation, time dilation. 

Yet it is all one chessboard. Whether one is going through time the traditional way or time traveling, whether one is moving through space the traditional way or teleporting, it is all an algorithm within an algorithm. 

As I get older I find that every new answer just leads to more questions. And that every new answer isn't a key that unlocks the door opening to freedom but instead is becomes another trap making the trap of existence be even more of a trap. That's why I'm scared all the time. Well, don't ever lose that imagination. 

Sunday, June 26, 2022

Went to Church twice. Got just a bit of the bliss of Sunday vibes today. In the past I used to get major intense Sunday vibes. I think my anxiety PTSD and overthinking of the past year killed my ability to feel the bliss of Sunday vibes. 

I visited sweet Heather today. We went to Burger King. 

I discovered a YouTube channel called Terra and Hailey. They are Ghostbusters or else paranormal investigators. They did an excellent video about the James Bay Inn haunted hotel. This video is off the scale. I'd give it 15 stars out of ten. It's that good. I wrote them a lengthy comment, perhaps against my better judgment. I know I'm crazy. I want to be normal but I wind up being crazy. I've always wanted to stay overnight at the James Bay Inn. This requires a credit card. However my anxiety and PTSD prevents me from getting a credit card. When or if I ever heal from my anxiety and PTSD perhaps I'll get a credit card. I'm not sensitive to ghosts or haunting so I doubt that I'd experience any paranormal activity if I were to stay at the James Bay Inn. In the past I installed the Steve Huff spirit box app on my tablet. I asked about someone who had then recently died in this hotel and I got "Uh huh!" The person who died used to say "Uh huh!" that way very often. This hotel has had quite a few people die during the years I was a resident here. These were people that I talked to often when they were alive. 

Terra and Hailey also did a video about a Beacon Hill Park ghost. I go to Beacon Hill Park often, a few times a week, and in all that time I never saw any ghosts. 

Today the weather is hot but not as hot as the heat wave of last summer. The fan that I had last summer was awful. It was a tower fan that only kind of worked. Now I have a much better fan. The hypothalamus is responsible for the sympathetic nervous system or the fight or flight panic attack anxiety disorder response. The hypothalamus also regulates and detects changes in body temperature. A heat wave can bring about anxiety and panic. A good fan helps calm the hypothalamus during a heat wave. Today it is a minor heat wave. Every single summer has a heat wave, sometimes two, usually sometime in June, July and August. Cold showers help during a heat wave. I hate the very end of summer heat waves. I take cold showers and a day or two after the heat wave ends and there is the sudden temperature drop of autumn I am still taking cold showers and I have that one cold shower where I walk out just shivering with cold. 

Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Yesterday, I visited Heather and wheeled her to the hair salon. That's about all I did that day. 

While wheeling Heather to the hair salon, we shopped. I got some blue cheese, some black Swiss sausages, and also two cans of Thai curry at London Drugs. LD used to have Aroy-D brand Thai curry. Now they only have Kosa brand Thai curry. I got that because it's what they had but I would have much preferred the other brand. Actually, Kosa brand curry is quite good. It's very good. Just as good as Aroy D curry. 

I still have trace amounts of anxiety. Mainly stemming from indecision. Indecision can be dealt with through getting rid of the need for perfection and maybe writing 750 words about it either in a journal or in your mind. 

I am still crazy although I want to be normal. I smoke tobacco and pick up cigarette butts off the street. I pick up garbage and keep it although most I throw away later. 

I decided to not be Suzie's friend anymore although I will always wish her the best. The terms of the friendship were a bad energy jangle as if I don't already have enough bad energy jangle to deal with on my own. The friendship has a time limit. I only see her 2 to 5 minutes a week. And then she says "I'll see you next week." as if she is placing an expectation on me. Then she said she'd give me a ride in her M series BMW which I have always been intrigued about. If she drove any other car, even a Mercedes, I wouldn't care. It's been two years of waiting and she still hasn't given me a ride. Week after week I've walked her to her car only to be left on the curb while she gives her other friend a ride week after week. That is a disempowering experience. That is a bad energy jangle. 

In this case it isn't fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. I am the one who volunteered to walk Suzie to her car knowing that it would be a disempowering experience so it's a case of fool me once shame on me fool me twice shame on me. 

No wonder I felt fear and anxiety and felt that my life is a trap. I would much rather move to Vancouver and live in a nice neighborhood there. A thousand times over. If I ever move to Vancouver I would totally forget Suzie which would be an advantage of Vancouver. I owe her nothing and she owes me nothing. Wait two years for an experience that would be over in a few minutes, even if it's 35 minutes? No thanks. Life is stressful enough as it is. As much as I wanted a ride in a BMW, I wouldn't want to own one. Cars especially the brand name cars are a money pit. It costs $300 a month for insurance on a regular car let alone a BMW. That's a non-starter. Anything in life that is too difficult isn't worth doing at all. To get into a bad accident with a car is worse than never having owned a car. 

Suzie is a good friend. She has always been kind to me. She is a great lady and always will be. 

Overall, I hope to never visit Suzie again for these 4 reasons:

1. Anything that is too difficult isn't worth doing at all. 

2. If at first you don't succeed try again. Then quit. No use in wasting time. 

3. Better to do nothing and get nothing than to do something and get nothing. 

4. Never do today what you could put off til tomorrow. Of course tomorrow never comes, it's always today. So I guess I could always visit Suzie tomorrow. *rolls eyes. Yeah, right. 

I don't want to go to the morning soup line anymore. To line up for food I don't really want and wouldn't otherwise pay money for and to line up with the homeless and tramps and hard core drug addicts, no wonder I felt anxiety all the time and that I felt that my life is a trap and that I had a dismal future. If I am always going to places like that. Lots of people in my apartment building never go to the morning soup line and they seem much happier. 

I don't need a girlfriend. At my age, I wouldn't be expected nor socially required to have children. So that's one less reason to have a girlfriend and  then to marry her. At my age, my sex drive has gone out the window and I have sex anxiety. Women go through menopause in middle age, menopause is otherwise referred to as "the change of life". Men go through andropause or else a sharp and noticeable reduction in sex drive, although not all men go through this of course. At may age if I were to have a child, say, tomorrow, I'm 52 years old. It takes 9 months to gestate a child. When the child graduates from high school at 18 years, I'd be 71 years old then. That ship has sailed for me. Then there's the expense and the energy and possibly parental burnout and what if the child grows up to be someone who gets a neck tat, can't afford a place to live and winds up homeless and drug addicted to hard drugs? That would be worse than to have never had any children at all. 

Women. Can't live without them, can't live with them. A lot of men's lives were destroyed when they hooked up with the wrong women or else were driven crazy. No relationship is better than a bad one. Commitment issues being what they are, I'll be alone and single for life, it looks like. 

I am sure that women feel the same way. They were happy single and then when they got married men with their nasty Y chromosome destroyed their lives. 40% of marriages end up in divorce. 

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard and then the latest People magazine with Brad Pitt, "Angelina Jolie destroyed my life" are stories of how men got married and then had their lives destroyed. I'll never get married. I'll be single for life. 

I went to Ogden Point today. I saw two large boats, Maersk Line Ocean CleanUp. Then on the Ogden Point walkway, I saw a person dressed up as a large dinosaur walking down the walkway. The dinosaur was orange with black stripes.  It reminded me of Jurassic World. 

Wednesday, June 29, 2022

Woke up scared. Not the usual deep griping fear, but an intellectual fear that I am crazy. A person mirrors life. I am crazy because life is crazy. My life has 1,001 details. Yesterday, I wrote down the names of animated cartoons I saw on the sidebar of YouTube recommendations. So many cartons to watch. A homework assignment. I don't have to watch them all right now. Watch them later. Or never. It really doesn't matter. 

Life is crazy but my life really isn't that crazy. People live crazier lives in crazier lines of work like paramedics who see all kinds of injured people. Or people who work at the hospital at the morgue. That would drive anyone into a nervous breakdown and crazy. 

When one gets old, there comes a point of information overload. A young person only has to deal with so many decades of accumulated information. Old people have to deal with more decades of information overload. That can drive you crazy. 

Disturbingly the word Bumcouver always shows up in the words autosuggestions above the keyboard on this tablet. How do I get rid of word autoauggestions? I typed that word once a few months ago and now it's always there like an unwanted ghost. 

What did I just write? Life is crazy. It's cray cray crazy. 

You can get rid of any word in autosuggestions. Just press down on the word and a popup will ask you if you want to get rid of that word on autosuggestions. Just press agree and that word gets eliminated from autosuggestions. 

YouTuber wholesomeSimon said to not kill yourself because one day you will be one hundred years old on your deathbed and you will only remember the happy memories and you will wish for even one more day. Don't kill yourself and take that away from your future self. Everything will be OK. 

That's the ideal and not always the reality. Some people die relatively young of some wretched disease or in a car accident etc. But wholesomeSimon is a good person for saying that. He has a good heart. 

Try not to overthink things. 

OMG! I heard there was a bank robbery yesterday in Victoria BC on Hillside and MacKenzie at the Bank of Montreal. 6 Police Officers got shot, none of them fatal but two with serious life changing injuries who had to be taken to surgery at the hospital. 3 of the Officers who were shot are Vic PD Officers and the other 3 of the Officers who were shot are members of the Saanich Police Department. 

The two bank robbers were killed on site. No court, no trial, no jail. With so many SWAT Strategic Weapons Assault Team Police Officers VS two bank robbers, the Police had the drop on the bank robbers. There is a third suspect still at large. The Mounties always get their man. This is like the North Hollywood Bank robbery. 

The bank robbers were wearing body armour so it must be head shots that killed them. That's what you get for shooting at the Police. Play with the bulls, you get the horns. 

My landlord said if the bank robbers would have just dropped their guns and said "I give up." they might have gotten maybe 4 years in prison. 

In a dram I had years ago, a security guard told me that a person gets more time for robbing a jewelry store than robbing a bank. 

The facilitation of the bank robbery was a multi force coalition that included the Victoria Police, the Saanich Police and the RCMP. 

A hostage who was there said that the gunmen waited for 20 minutes to an hour. They could've taken the money and run before the Police got there but they waited. Why trade a larger window of time for a smaller window of time? Bizarre. Maybe a criminologist can answer that. 

Maybe they were waiting for a cryptocurrency transaction to go through and the bank manager delayed them. Or else to a bank robber, an hour seems to go like a minute while to a bank hostage, a minute seems to go like an hour. Who knows? 

The hostage, she also said that the bank robbers were calm and soft spoken. Mostly silent. 

Crazy. Crime doesn't pay. However much money the bank robbers got, it wasn't worth it. The Police did a great job. No innocent people got shot. 

And I thought my life is crazy. 

"You shot Rodney!" 

"It might be the best thing that ever happened to him."

"Yeah because we should all get shot every now and then!" 

"Rodney's a good guy. But he's not right for you. Took a shot. He's a hero. Probably get a promotion."

Knight and Day

"Comanche. Lord of the plains." Hell or High Water

"Seems foolish."

"What's that?" 

"The days of robbing banks and trying to live to spend the money... they're long gone. Long gone for sure."

Hell or High Water

Update: On Sunday, July 3, 2022 I found out from the internet that the two bank robbers were two twin brothers, Mathew and Isaac Auchterlonie from Duncan BC. Twins born of a set of triplets, the other one being a sister. Two boys and one girl triplets. 

Two brothers just like in the movie Hell or High Water. 

On the Globe and Mail website in the comments section, someone called SW1 which I incidentally immediately recognized as the first three letters in the postal code of Buckingham Palace wrote, that the two brothers were born a short time apart in a same place only to die a short time apart and also in another same place. 

Spooky coincidence. Strange twist of fate. 

I visited sweet Heather today. She got herself a new electric wheelchair. When I walked with her, I thought of my PCAD cartoon scene, "I was one of the first PCADs on Mars, having arrived with that first wave." Life imitates art. 

My 55" RCA 4K HDTV keeps flickering. Vertical lines appear and go away on the screen while flickering. I could unplug it for at least an hour. More time would be better. That usually makes it go away. But it's been happening more and more often. A new 55" TV costs $400 or more at Shoppers Drug Mart. A new 75" costs $600 - $700 at Shoppers. I guess I'll have to keep unplugging my TV for a few hours more often. Maybe I could get a 40" but I'm so used to the 55" TV. It's a standard of living that I've grown accustomed to. 

I'm working out a deal. A local second hand store has a 50" Sylvania 4K HDTV for $299. I'm going to trade my 55" TV for the Sylvania. I should get some kind of trade-in value. Shoppers Drug Mart is all sold out of TVs. This gives me anxiety. All things give me anxiety these days, even eating meals. The secondhand store has a 40" TV for $149. Ten years ago, you could never get a 40" TV for that price. There's not much of a difference between a 50" and a 55" TV. The slightly smaller HDTV might have a sharper image. 

Thank God for the gift of life. Life can be full of anxiety that feels like a hot burning in the stomach. These feelings don't last long. In the midst of the worst of those feelings I remember to thank God for the gift of life. Me taking care of Heather gives me happiness, peace and joy. She is a great lady and I love her very much. 

Thursday, June 30, 2022

The movie Unbroken is a great one. It tells the story of Louis Zamperini. He grew up learning to run. He ran in the Olympics as the youngest runner to be in the Olympics. World War 2 started. He spent 47 days on a raft and then was in a Japanese POW camp on Kwajalein Island aka execution island. He survived a lot of beatings and harsh treatment. Angelina Jolie, the lady who allegedly destroyed Brad Pitts life directed this masterpiece of a movie. The sequel Unbroken Path to Redemption talks about Louis Zamperini's life after the war. The movies were great. 15 stars out of 10.

Louis Zamperini had faith in God and accepted Billy Grahams Ministry and counsel which he credited with saving his life and soul too. 

Marilyn Monroe, however, got a visit from Billy Graham and refused him saying, "I don't want your Jesus." Less than a week later she was dead. I learned this from a YouTube video, '7 Celebrities Who Mocked Jesus'. 

I believe in Jesus. However, if Christianity is so true, why are there so many religions in the World each of them claiming to have the monopoly on spiritual truth? So many religions repudiate Jesus. Their loss, I guess. 

I would really wish for some people from the Catholic Church to knock on my door and visit me. Catholics visited me before at my other apartment years ago and they gave me a wooden cross. That is one of the best memories I've ever had. I hope I get a visit from them again one day. 

I've decided not to trade my 55" television for a 50" one. Sure my TV flickers once in awhile but it is always corrected with unplugging it for an hour. Trading my TV in also means paying money for the new TV which I don't know if I could afford to do.

Theres 4 things I could afford to and really want to eat at the Empress hotel. 1. Caesar salad $20

2. Cheeseburger $30

3. Fish and chips $36

4. New York steak $54

I once went to Sidney and spent $80. $40 annual pass for Sidney aquarium, $10 blue cheese, $12 Sidney bakery and $18 Tandoori bistro. 

Another time I went with Heather and spent $75 at an Italian restaurant for 2 pasta dishes and two beers plus tips and tax. 

Another time I spent $330 for two lightsaber from Amazon. That's lightsaber plus shipping plus tax plus service charge. I had to cut down on food and went to to soup lines and food lines a lot that month. 

The Empress Hotel is a life changing experience. Eating at a 5.star.hotel like the Hotel Vancouver or the Empress Hotel is always a life changing experience. I never ate at the Hotel Vancouver before which is one of my biggest regrets. I will eat there the next time I go to Vancouver if I save the money. The Hotel Vancouver has ramen noodles for $32 but it's 5 star hotel ramen noodles that a top tier luxury chef has prepared. 

Someone on YouTube paid $150,000 for a pizza. Such prices are insane and ridiculous. That's more money than I would have in ten years. Whoever pays that much for a pizza has more money than brains. You can't drink champagne on a beer budget. If I had $150,000, I wouldn't get a $150,000  pizza. I'd get a BMW from the 80s and still have lots of money left over. I would get a red standard transmission BMW_325i_4DR_Sedan. Who wouldn't? I'd also get a new 55" television to replace my current TV. I'd want to get a Haier brand or a Sony brand TV. I'd also want a Bose wave radio. 

If I had $150,000, I'd get a credit card and stay at a really nice hotel in Vancouver for a month. Work out some kind of deal where I save if I pay monthly rather than daily. I would fly to Vancouver and back on the seaplane. Again. 

Another movie I would like to watch is Father Stu. It is the true story of an ex motorcycle gang member and also ex boxer turned Catholic Priest. 

I watched a YouTube video from Goldenbell Training. The video was about Bruce Lee's drug letters. This topic can also be found on Google search. Apparently Bruce Lee wrote letters to people he knew and trusted asking them to send him drugs such as coke, acid and marijuana which he referred to as the holy stuff. Bruce Lee also mentioned M pills, and expressed an interest in psilocybin. 

The guy who portrayed the Russian that Bruce Lee fought in The Chinese Connection, Robert Baker was one of his drug dealers. 

Hong Kong movie starlets said that Bruce Lee often smelled like incense which is slang for marijuana smells. 

When Bruce Lee was working on Enter the Dragon, apparently he used a lot of coke to deal with the grueling work schedule and the late nights. This may have contributed to the cerebral edema which led to his death. This is all on the internet. 

Someone of Quora in the post 'Did Bruce Lee Eat Hashish?' wrote that Bruce Lee had an accident and broke his back. As a result he had to take a lot of cortisone, just like JFK did. Cortisone causes inflammation of the joints and arthritis. This was something no one including Lee knew about. That and the combination of excessive cocaine use was what caused the brain edema which lead to his death. This is not from me but from the internet. It sounds plausible enough. 

Bruce Lee's drugs use is certainly a side I never saw before. Just when I thought I knew someone. Very surprising. And shocking. 

I wouldn't use drugs just because Bruce Lee did. If Bruce Lee jumped off a bridge, would I jump off a bridge? 

At first I thought Bruce Lee did no drugs. I thought he was into healthy vitamin smoothies made from different fruits and vegetables. 

Then I read that he ate hashish. 

Now I find out that he was a regular freak, a hippie kungfu drug machine! 

He was an MDU multi drug user and polysubstance abuser. Holy smokes! 

However, I don't know if Bruce Lee ever smoked tobacco. 

On the day that Bruce Lee died he was given an what has mostly been described as an aspirin. He was given equigesic which is meprobamate mixed with aspirin or acetyclic acid. Heroin is diacetyl morphine which is morphine mixed with aspirin. Anyways meprobamate is more well known as Milltown which is the drug the Rolling Stones sang about in the song Mother's Little Helper. That along with the cocaine Bruce Lee was using plus the cortisone he was using for his back injury probably created the pharmaceutical perfect storm that did him in. It doesn't pay to abuse a multitude of drugs. The best way to live is clean and sober. 

To think that the Triads killed him because Bruce Lee didn't pay them money is ridiculous. They had too much respect for him. Bruce Lee paying the Triads would be like bringing coals to Newcastle because the Triads already owned the movie studios. The Triads were his paymasters. Triad is a traditional cosmology based cross cultural designation that spans from the very rich to the very poor. In the old days, even the Emperor was a Triad. Every Native is a shaman. Every Chinese is a Triad. Triad believes in the trinity of Heaven, Earth and Man which is basis of Tao or the creative force as well as the destructive force of God. It is a form of Manicheanism which believes that God creates good as well as evil. But that evil's purpose is to bring about good albeit in a roundabout way. Evil is seen as a means to an ends, the ends being good. 

The 4 stations of the cross, tobacco, alcohol, weed, and cocaine. I wrote this against my better judgment because I am a Christian. It's only an irreverent joke. 

The best way to live is clean and sober. I am trying to quit tobacco. I have said prayers to ask God to help me and to thank him that the day of my quitting tobacco forever is coming. 

Tobacco is my only vice. For now. 

Life is wonderful. Thank God for the gift of life. Most fears are a result of distorted perception, overthinking, overimagination, catastrophizing and fortune telling. There is also good news in the World and not only bad news. The future is never as good or as bad as we think it will be. Everything will be OK in the end. If it's not OK it's not the end. Thank God for the gift of life.