July 2022

Friday, July 1, 2022

Canada Day. I went to the James Bay Inn. I had a BLT and onion rings. I specifically ordered onion rings remembering a dream I had the previous night about giving Heather 3 small pieces of onion. 

Then I went to the beach. The beach is always nice. 

I visited Heather and we went for a walk to the Legislative Buildings. She is still learning on her electric wheelchair. She is still learning to drive it. Twice, she ran into people. Once at the Legislative Buildings. She ran into a lady with a wheelchair. Her partner helping her, a fat man said, "Jesus!" Heather backed up her wheelchair. It turned out all right. Another time, on the way back, she ran into an old man on Government Street. I said to the man, "Sorry about that." The old man smiled and was understanding. I guess everyone who first learns to drive an electric wheelchair has that happen to them. I wonder how I would do. Heather is sometimes clumsy. Then I have to bail her out. I'm still bailing her out again and again. She is sometimes a difficult person to be a friend to. 

Heather gets me into stressful situations that I wouldn't get into if I were not with her. In the movie Deadpool, Colossus said, "Friends are there for each other. Not when it is easy but when it is hard. And you always make it hard."

I saw a YouTube live video about the Canada Day celebration at the harbour. Was it ever crowded. More crowded than anything I saw during the pandemic. I didn't go. I could have gone to see fireworks but for some reason, laziness, fear, deer caught in the headlights, going tharn. I stayed in my apartment. My whole life has been like that. 

I saw the movie Father Stu. It was a sad yet inspiring movie. Father Stu got into a motorcycle accident. During his time in the hospital he decided to become a Catholic Priest. His fiancee tried to talk him out of it. So he gave up a marriage. Father Stu eventually developed some kind of rare form of muscular dystrophy. Yet he said that suffering brings us closer to God and he thanked God for his struggles and the opportunities it gave him. 

 

Saturday, July 2, 2022

I wake up in fear. Life is scary. The incidents with Heather and the electric wheelchair, the YouTube video about the haunted James Bay Inn that I watched, and my freaky night time dreams are all what adds to the fear. Life isn't all bad. The trip to the beach was nice. Thank God for the gift of life. 

Last night I had a couple of sweet dreams. 

I saw on the floor an envelope that Suzie had given me. I clean my room and I was lucky I didn't throw that away. I told Suzie that I often see signs that remind me of her. She said, "No you don't!" That's gas lighting. Still, I would never throw away that envelope. 

I use music on my video and I get a copyright claim. Yet others use movie clips on their videos all the time and don't get copyright claims. Copyright claims on my cartoons is the YouTube mafia stealing my videos to get their cut. I take time to think of what music to use on my videos and even time them to the sequences to create a 'moment'. I don't have over 1,000 subscribers so my videos aren't eligible for monetization anyways. Plus I have to sign up for AdSense to get money from ads. Yet I saw someone who only had 44 subscribers have ads on their video. 

Debbie Hellion said that the News companies, CBC, Global and CTV used one of her pictures without her permission and never paid her. The human species is full of thieves. People downloading songs to their iPod digitally is one thing. But when people use someone's work to make money and then not pay the artist, that's awful. Life isn't really worth living all that much. I'm glad I never had children. What kind of a World would they be brought up in? Hunter S Thompson once said, "The music industry is a long narrow hallway filled with pimps and thieves." The human species is a long narrow hallway filled with thieves. 

If I had money from my YouTube videos I could sure right my own ticket. I'd live in Vancouver near UBC in a quiet place. I'd get an 80s BMW. That's my personal ultimate definition of success. I'd marry a lady who I have sexual chemistry with but it would be a childless marriage. That's it. I can't think of anything else more successful that I'd want for myself. I have no interest in traveling to any place outside of Victoria BC and Vancouver. I'm not interested in going to London or New York. The idea of that is one thing. The reality is another. Plus I have travel anxiety and lack the courage to travel. 

How much money is my YouTube videos worth? The production values are amateur. There is barely any dialogue. There are elements lacking like turning heads and vowel and consonant consistent lip movements of the cartoon characters. Cartoons usually have a thick defining borderline to the characters giving them a cartoon acid look. 

A lot of professional artists must have imposter syndrome. Their art is only trendy. Other amateur artists are better artists technically yet its these famous artists that get a lot of money. Jim Carey once said that he wished everyone could have everything they dreamed of wanted to only see that it's not the answer. Even billionaires have depression, fear, anxiety and health anxiety as well. Against that, money isn't that much good. A person has a thousand times the money that most people do, but they aren't a thousand times as happy. They are just as angry and jealous and depressed as anyone else. If you were so happy, you would be so self absorbed in bliss with what you are personally doing, they wouldn't be looking around at others and taking notes. Jealousy is not a sign of happiness. 

I visited Heather today. We went to Winners and I saw some Ralph Lauren brand pillows. $35 for a two pillow set. They were very large King sized pillows. I already have a Superfirm posturepedic pillow. That's good enough. I don't have to get something just because it's a certain brand. I might get it at Christmas as a gift for myself. Then I'd have to figure out what to do with my perfectly good posturepedic pillow. $35 is a lot of money to all of a sudden spend for no reason. I discussed this with Heather. She said, "Do you need it or do you want it?" Good point. 

There were two kinds of pillows. Soft and firm. Firm pillows are better for side sleepers and back sleepers. Soft pillows are better for stomach sleepers. 

I guess I'll go with the firm pillows. Luxury brands like Ralph Lauren often license out their name to other manufacturers. So these pillows might be posturepedic pillows that licensed the Ralph Lauren name. 

Polo and BMW exemplify 80s heaven. But the 80s are gone. I thought that living in Vancouver is 80s heaven but the real hardcore 80s cities are London, New York, Los Angeles, Hong Kong and Tokyo. Vancouver is a backwater compared to those other cities. But to me, Vancouver is heaven. But the downtown eastside isn't heaven. I'm not smart enough to find a nice neighborhood to live in in Vancouver and to be able to afford it. I guess if YouTube paid me for my cartoons but I doubt I'd get that much from YouTube even if they paid me to my fullest extent. The really good cartoons usually has a team of people working on it. A one man cartoon usually doesn't have that high of production values etc etc etc. A very amateur feel rather than a professional production values feel. There is no way I could get rich unless I get into politics. Politicians usually are able to find a good place for themself. Also Police Officers live in good places usually. I'm not brave enough for politics nor the Police force. I'm 52 years old. How many Police rookies do you know who are 52 and with no previous relevant experience such as security guard or military soldier having done at least one tour of duty? At age 52, a lot of Police Officers already quit or else retired. To be a Police Officer, one has to be tall, athletically fit and have courage and nerves of steel. I don't have any of that. A Police Officer who represents the might of the government needs to be able to turn on the intimidation factor and to intimidate gangsters if need be. Well, I'm not that kind of person. The point is, a Police Officer would have no problem finding a place to live in a good neighborhood in Vancouver. 

I would need to be a millionaire. Houses in Vancouver are at least a million to purchase, even a fix-me-up. However I would only rent and not purchase a house. Being a millionaire means nothing in Vancouver. One would need to be a multimillionaire. At least. 

Scotty Kilmer got over a billion views on his YouTube videos and he said that he got $7 million from YouTube revenue because of that. Very few YouTubers make it big like that. $7 million would be enough to live a very comfortable life in Vancouver. To rent a nice house near UBC and to get a BMW from the 80s and to maintain the BMW including gas and insurance etc because BMW's are money pits. 

Sunday, July 3, 2022

Someone in a Sky News Australia video about Joe Biden said in the comments section that America is like a lunatic asylum where the patients are in charge. Stonehearst Asylum. I also likened this to the downtown Eastside of Vancouver especially the tent city area on Hastings Street. 

Stonehearst Asylum is based on the Edgar Allen Poe story, The System of Professor Tarr and Doctor Fether. 

Tar and feather? 

I bought the complete writings of Edgar Allen Poe on Google Play books for 99 cents which, you can't go wrong with that deal. That story is of course included. 

Yesterday, I saw the movie Stonehearst Asylum as it is free from uploaded VVS films on YouTube. It is a great movie with a twist ending. A psychiatrist visiting a mental asylum in 1899 soon discovers that some of the patients have taken over the asylum masquerading as doctors of that asylum. This psychiatrist tries to help them escape. 

My mother died when I was an infant. Seeing the way my life never worked out, I never got married etc. I wish my mother had lived and I didn't. I would trade my life for hers. My mother should have lived because her life would've been more on the ball than my life ever was. My mother would have had life in the palm of her hand more than I ever had life in the palm of mine. I think that I'm destined to be single for life. I am thankful that I have the sweetness of Heather. A lot of people don't have that. I still think that I messed up my life. I only have 10, 20, or 30 years more to think about this, then it will be irrelevant. My thoughts tell me that I might die before 60 or else I'll live to 70 or 80 max. Then what's on the other side, I'll just have to find out. I've always tried to be a good person. The energy one will be drawn to in the afterlife has a lot to do with the energy one generated all throughout life. I've made mistakes that I profoundly regret but overall I tried to be a good person, a person of the light, a person who is with Jesus and also with the Buddha es well although I am mainly a Christian now. 

Thank God for the gift of life. My life has had many blessings. I was able to travel. Everyone says that I look younger than my age. I am still able to thank God for the gift of life even in the darkest times while not forgetting to thank God for the gift of life even in the happiest of times. 

Life is riveting. I went to Church and drank coffee. Coffee can either get one excited or else anxious. Life is a thrill ride. 

"You have major thrill issues." Finding Nemo

It's going to be OK. 

Today, after Church, I was going to go home but I decided to walk to the museum at the last minute. I didn't make it to the museum but on the way, in the garbage, I saw a broken umbrella. For some reason I decided to check it out. It was the broken umbrella find of the century! The handle was connected to a shaft which held the cloth fold out part of the umbrella. This shaft was one of those light up umbrellas which I'm not sure if I had ever seen before. This shaft is just like a lightsaber and it's a colour change lightsaber too! The light is made of of a series of poly filament strip that light up. The three AAA batteries I had to replace but once I did, it's a lightsaber at a fraction of the lightsaber price. No sounds and the light isn't as bright but the shaft is made up of stronger and thicker stuff than a YDD lightsaber.

It's a sparring lightsaber. Who would I spar with and why? Yeah, right. Spar with someone and send them to the hospital only to have the hospital worker say, "You don't think we have enough to do? Now we also have to tend to someone because you made an otherwise preventable silly decision to spar with him."

I have to find and then purchase another umbrella like this then I'll have two umbrella shaft lightsabers. I was very delighted with this find. You never know what the day will bring. Umbrellas with light up shafts are commonly sold for about $37 each. 

Umbrellas are very London England. 

This is a next level umbrella. This umbrella is a gift from the gods. 

In a Star Wars adventure, although two lightsabers would look more flashy, its more practical to have just one lightsaber in case the free hand needs to grasp something like a ledge or if it needs to all of a sudden program a computer console on an Imperial spaceship during the adventure. 

Imagine if lightsabers were real? A real lightsabers could very easily kill someone or slice a streetlamp at the base and then it falls over in the street onto a car. A person would get busted for doing something like that. Lightsabers in Star Wars don't make sense. If it emits light that is very hot to slice things like metal, then how could light offer a buffetting resistance against another lightsaber? Would the beams of the shafts of the light saver go through one another as if they were mutually irrelevant and slice through the other person holding the lightsaber? That's fuzzy math and a bad understanding of basic science. A lightsaber is like a television. It emits electrically charged plasma photons. But photons would offer no solid resistance against another set of photons. The umbrella I found in the garbage really is the find of the century. 

Monday, July 4, 2022

Today I went to the James Bay Inn and had a Caesar salad. And water. I order water when I go to the restaurants. I hope it's not too cheap. Joyce Meyer said water is the best drink to clean out the kidneys. 

At the James Bay Inn, I walked to the parking spot where Terra and Hailee parked for their James Bay Inn video. I've watched that video about 1p times already. 

The rest of the day, I stayed home. I was too lazy to go anywhere else. I played Subway Surfers all day. 

Tuesday, July 5, 2022

I went to the Old Spaghetti Factory today. I had spaghetti with spicy meat sauce and mizithra cheese. That did it. I woke up with a gnawing intellectual fear that just wouldn't leave me until I ate the spaghetti. It was comfort food that reminded me of the old days. I felt a lot better after that. Life is still good. 

Mario Puzo wrote, "If I don't eat spaghetti for a week, I fall into a well of depression." In the Obi Wan Kenobi series, the name of the planet Mapuzo is a portmanteau of Mario Puzo. 

I think he was right about spaghetti. The Old Spaghetti Factory spaghetti really lifted me up from the fear I had been feeling all day until then. The effect was magical. I can't explain it. 

I have weird thoughts. We all do. Weird thoughts is what makes me interesting. Nothing to fear. 

Our fears don't make sense to God because he is always looking after us. Even if you're not praying and believing now, as long as God sees that you will believe and pray at some point in the future even if you don't see it now, He will care for you. That's what happened to me. For years I was consumed with anger and suicidal thoughts but God still took care of me. Now I would never commit suicide and I thank God for the gift of life every day even in the midst of fear and anxiety. I ask God for guidance to show me the way. 

I walked to St Anne's Academy afterwards and up the stairs of the main building. I wanted to see the spot that Terra and Hailee was at in their next video to be released on July 15. They did a preview of that video at the end of their last video, the Helmcken Alley video. 

St Anne Academy had a sign, "Women shouldn't be limited. They should live their lives in the fullness of freedom" or words to that effect, not verbatim. I agree. I've always believed in women's rights. I believe that a lot of women are smarter than a lot of men. Also that only in the 20th Century was it a widespread thing that women became politicians. That women weren't politicians centuries ago, it deprived those centuries of priceless political talent that they could have had. Not all female politicians are talented. Margaret Thatcher shut down the coal mines in Britain and outsourced a lot of local employment as part of some 80s style Free Trade deal mentality. Was that talented? 

The reversal of Roe vs Wade is ostensibly the decision of only male politicians but a lot of politicians in the States are female so the Roe vs Wade reversal is from a male and female political consortium consensus. 

I think Terra and Hailee will be famous. Although I myself wouldn't want to spend years doing ghost hunting videos at haunted places. Eventually that will give a person burnout. Maybe it will with some people while with other people it won't. I think being a Police Officer can give a person burnout. Week after week, the Police have to deal with some of the most violent and psychotic and angry people in society. I would get burnout in less than two years doing that. Yet there are some Officers who have been on the Force for decades and they have no burnout and PTSD. These Officers are supermen as far as I'm concerned. Superwoman too as a lot of Police Officers are females. The RCMP first started having female Police Officers in 1974. 

Basia is a singer from Matt Bianco who had such hits as the unforgettable Whose Side Are You On. Also Half A Minute and Sneaking Out The Back Door are good hits. 

Basia has great songs like New Day For You and Promises. Miles Away is my favorite Basia song. Basia Trzetrzelewska is from Poland. She is about 70 now but when she was young, she was intensely beautiful. The Basia song Time And Tide sounds haunting and strange, but it isn't a bad song. 

There was a YouTube video showing Matt Bianco performing Whose Side Are You On at the airport. That video is lost now as I haven't been able to find it again. 

Then I walked home and listened to the Michael Franks song Your Secret's Safe With Me. I looked at the sunlight glistening off the buildings and with the song, it felt like the timeless 80s. Sunlight glistening off the buildings and listening to You Secret's Safe With Me. I felt happy. Life is all right. 

Your Secret's Safe With Me is Michael Frank's best song. All his other songs are OK but You Secret's Safe With Me is his major hit. It is one of the best songs of all time. Actually I don't know a lot of his other songs. They could be pretty good too. 

The Camera Never Lies is good too. One Bad Habit isn't bad. Island Life is a good song too. Face to Face is good. Everytime She Whispers is a good song too. When Sly Calls is a highly excellent song. It is pithy and cutting edge and  has the spirit of the 80s. 

Leading Me Back To You, Michael Franks and Joe Sample is a really great song. Island Life is a good song too.

When I Give My Love To You is a major Michael Franks song. He is the leader of a music genre called the Quiet Storm movement. 

The 80s dream is to drive down the street in a 1985 BMW 325i during sunset near the beach and near buildings and listen to Your Secret's Safe With Me on the car audio system. Let's face it. The 80s are over. That was 40 years ago. Somewhere in the afterlife, there is an eternal 80s heaven where the good times and good feelings of the 80s never went away. 

It's an idealized set of selective memories for me. The 80s were a time when I was living under the roof of my parents who were often angry and verbally abusive. Maybe they knew what was coming down the pike. That real estate speculation and inflation meant that I would never live in a house of my own and the frustration they felt for my sake because of that. Well, they were right about that.

My life since the 80s were a lot better than the 80s. I traveled and had lots of freedom and good times that I didn't have during the 80s. 

The times now seem uncertain and the 80s seem so certain because the 80s is a done deal. But back then, the 80s was uncertain as it is now. If I were to travel back in time to the 80s, it would seem just as uncertain as I ask myself, "How will the rest of the 80s turn out now that I've traveled back here and now in time and essentially changed the 80s from what it would have been?"

 

RIP Joe Turkel died on June 27. He was in Paths of Glory. He was Lloyd the bartender in The Shining. He was Eldon Tyrrell in Bladerunner. Iconic actor. 

I will cancel my subscription to Jake Tran's channel on July 14 as it expires on the 16th. Just another detail in my life. One of thousands.

Jake Tran doesn't fully narrate his videos like he used to. 

Life can be thought of as overwhelming. Or it can be thought of as funny. Buddha tells the story of five blind men and an elephant. We don't see the World as it is. We see the World as we are. 

I learned from Dava Sobel's book The Planets that the Willamette meteorite is a fragment of a protoplanet that existed in the early days of the solar system which orbited around where Mercury's orbit now is. That protoplanet collided with another planet and one of the chunks off the collision is the Willamette meteorite that crashed to Earth. Is that true? It sounds too incredible to be true. 

It is the largest mereorite that was ever found in the United States and the sixth largest meteorite found on Earth. I think the largest meteorite found on Earth is in Mecca, Saudi Arabia and is the basis of the Qaaba. 

Wednesday, July 6, 2022

Today, I walked to Craigdarroch Castle again. Not just the Castle, but the houses around the Castle have a certain vibe that is nostalgic and beautiful. 

There is an orange house that is next to the castle that has a road beside it. I decided to walk down that road. I thought I'd have to walk a long way around to see the gas station on Fort Street. I saw it immediately after walking down that road. It's a shortcut! I've lived here 11 years and only today discovered this shortcut. You never know what tomorrow will bring. 

Bangkok Thailand is like that. The streets are full of alleys and even mini alleys that form shortcuts. My friends have pointed me out to a lot of such shortcuts. 

Today I bought Ralph Lauren pillows at Winners. Good thing I bought them today. On Saturday there were tons of them. Today I had to look for awhile and then found only two sets of pillows left. Good thing they were the firm rather than the soft pillows as that's what I wanted anyways. The pillows are nearly sold out. That might mean that someone is reading my blog. News got out. If people are reading my blog I would ask for you to say a prayer for me that I could quit smoking. I really want to quit. The pillows were reduced in price from $34.99 to $28. Had I bought them last Saturday I wouldn't have gotten the price reduction. I discovered them when I was pushing Heather on the wheelchair there otherwise I wouldn't have known they were there. Unless I get a pillowcase, two large ones, these pillows will turn yellow in a few months due to dust and cigarette smoke. 

I got two Ralph Lauren pillows to go with my Tommy Hilfiger bedsheet. 

The other set of RL pillows was $34.99. I got the only set that was reduced to $28. So I lucked out. There is one set of Calvin Klein pillows there for $34.99. I doubt they'll last long. Someone will purchase them. I never think about Calvin Klein but I think of Polo Ralph Lauren often. It's a great brand. The 80s had perfect things. Perfect clothing such as Ralph Lauren. And perfect cars such as the 80s BMW 4 door 325i. Women's hairstyles are better today than they were in the 80s. Women's hairstyles are more evolved today. Women's hairstyles in the 80s was better than it was in the 50s. 

The Ralph Lauren pillows are really comfortable as would be expected. Soon I forget that I'm leaning back on any pillows at all. I need to get pillow cases for these. Any brand of pillowcase will do. It doesn't have to be RL. The pillows I got are 'Lauren Ralph Lauren King bronze comfort'. 

I went to McDonald's to get a Filet O Fish and I saw my friend Karen there. The last time I saw her was in September. 

I borrowed The House of Gucci DVD at the Library. I'll rewatch that movie. Before I saw the movie the first time, I read the book that the House of Gucci was based on. It said that the security guard who was watching the Gucci offices that day got shot also along with Maurizio Gucci. The security guard survived. This was accurately depicted in the movie as in the movie, I looked out for him and he was there. 

Listen to Michael Franks Your Secret's Safe With Me and look at tall office buildings during the day. You really get the timeless 80s feel. The music was so much better in the 80s than it is today. 

Only 7 weeks and 5 days to the new Star Wars series Andor which looks to be better than any series made so far. But why base a series around a minor character? Before Rogue One, Cassian Andor was basically a tramp or someone on the government dole just hanging around on the streets. There's not much of a story there. 

I saw the Sony NW-WM1A Digital Audio Player or else iPod on Amazon dot ca. Unfortunately it's sold out. Unfortunately it costs about $1,500 and unfortunately it only stores 999 songs. It doesn't have a built in FM radio. It takes awhile to fully boot up every time its turned on. However, the audio level apparently takes any music on it to a whole new level. All reviewers are raving about this machine. It takes music to a quality never heard before. Of course for a machine that costs $1,500, there would be good reviews or else reviewers would would give it good reviews. This is the Z series. There is a Sony gold plated A series iPod but that costs about $3,500. See, that's a lot of money. You could get a used car for that kind of money. One day I hope that the Sony NW-WM1A drops in price where I could afford it then I could hear directly on headphones what the hype is all about. I couldn't imagine paying that kind of money for an iPod when my $100 Sony iPod sounds pretty good. Maybe I could give it a test one day. But even the best iPod wouldn't be worth $1,500 to me. I'd pay $200 max for an iPod with improved and enhanced audio quality. A lot of it is hype. Beats headphones are about $350 but when I tested and tried these headphones at an audio store, they sounded all right but not $350 all right. I paid $68 for my Sony headphones at Walmart and these headphones sound pretty good. As years roll on, better electronics can be had at lower prices. Today's new and cutting edge technology will in a few years become old technology. Electronics prices depreciate over time. 

My Sony iPod that I have now and bought at London Drugs for $129 would have been worth over $1,500 in the mid 90s. Playboy magazine often had a technology and electronics section and a lot of those digital audio players that were worth over 1,000 then aren't worth as much now. IPods and digital audio players were worth a lot when they were first introduced to the market as a cutting edge thing. Digital cameras were quite pricey. Years ago, a 3MP digital camera was worth over $200. Today they don't even make cameras with that small of a resolution. 16MP cameras are quite common nowadays. 

Asahi, Kasei, Wolfson make comparable Digital Audio Players without the hefty Sony price tag. Sony has gold plating and plastic leather finish which increases the price but doesn't do anything for the sound. 

The Sony NWWM1A is too large to be put in the pocket. 

Good expensive headphones need to be used with this. The most expensive headphones are the Focus Utopia Tournaire at approx $133,000 USD. Even the extra stand for this headphone costs $12,000. If you're going to spend $12,000 for a stand, you either have more money than brains or else you're a multibillionaire with more money than you can spend in several lifetimes.

These headphones fall off the head if you lean forward. 

Even then, it's never a good idea to pay $12,000 for a headphone stand unless it emits a magic frequency which will let you feel bliss at every moment for the rest of your life. Or unless it has teleporting capabilities which will allow you to teleport to any place on Earth and back again.

Focal Utopia Tournaire headphones at $132, 732 USD. Pricey or what? Would it be worth the money? I doubt it. These are bling headphones. They are capped with 18K gold and have some diamonds in them somewhere. Oh Gawd! One really needs that for headphones? There's no form follows function logic there. What function does bling have for headphones? Give me $60 Sony headphones from WalMart any day. You can get really good headphones for less than $5 at Dollarama. 

Thursday, July 7, 2022

Im worried about Debbie Hellion. She uploaded a video recorded at night showing someone being attacked on Hastings Street in the downtown Eastside of Vancouver. Then afterwards in the same video, someone yelled at her, "You're going down, bitch!" I hope she is all right. I hope that God protects her. She is one of my favorite Youtubers. I subscribed to her back when she had 27 followers. Now she has 250 flowers and growing fast. Soon, she'll have more followers than I do. I have 337 followers. I'm surprised that I have as many given the amateur level of my cartoons. No turning heads and a paucity of dialogue. Debbie's videos are dialogue rich. I've run out of ideas for my cartoons as I've already lived out all my cartoon animation fantasies. Cartoons was a toy for when I was younger. Maybe I'll start it again if I get enough encouragement but no one will encourage me. I used to smoke crack sometimes and I also smoked a lot of weed. That gave me inspiration to do cartoons. Since my nervous breakdown last year I've been afraid to smoke pot again. Plus I don't like the idea of me being an addict. I still smoke tobacco and I think I'm a reprobate for doing that. I'm hard on myself and have a rigid standard when it somes to health. The best way to live is clean and sober. My hotel has a smoking ban which adds to the stigma. Those who were already living in this hotel have a grandfather clause that they can still smoke in their rooms. But if they move to another room, there is a strict smoking ban. This causes me to really be wary of my smoking and makes me scared to smoke pot. Even though pot and weed are legal in Canada, it's still not allowed to be smoked it in this hotel. Thus I'll have to get any artistic inspiration outside the purview of pot. Maybe I should move to the downtown Eastside where drug use is culturally encouraged. I wouldn't move to ground zero on Hastings but there are quite a few hotels on Powell, Cordova, and on Main Street away from Hastings. Those places are not so bad as they aren't quite on ground zero. I can't win on YouTube. If I get few followers and no money, it's disillusioning, dispirited and discouraging. If I get a lot of money it's a higher tax bracket and having more money than I know what to do with would be overwhelming and stressful. What to do with a lot of money? Travel? Travel is a hassle and can bring troubles otherwise not had. Cars? There are so many stupid drivers on the road that one would only encounter as a driver of a car. Plus being in a bad car accident is much much worse than never having owned a car. One can do years of time even being involved in a non intentional vehicular manslaughter type of car accident. So much for no fault insurance. I guess it depends on the lawyer. But no lawyer can take away the guilt and the toll on the psyche that a car driver would have even if they killed someone unintentionally in an accidental car accident. So no car. Unless if I were to live in a really small town like Dawson Creek where it's still free to park in most places in the city and one has a much higher chance of winning the lottery than to get involved in a car accident. Although car accidents still happen from time to time in Dawson Creek but they happen mostly on the highway near Dawson Creek and not so much in town. Minor car accidents and fender benders most likely happen in town. If it's a minor enough of a car accident, the Police won't even get involved. Either way on YouTube, whether it's very few viewers or a humongous number of viewers is a headache. Best not to be involved with YouTube at all. That's my advice to future generations. 

I hope that Debbie Hellion will always be all right and that nobody harms her. 

Canada Post clamps down on unvaccinated employees. That's the new normal. Vaccinations for Covid will have to "updated" every 9 months for life or else for an indefinite period of time. The government has made 9 month junkies of us all. "Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all." Shakespeare, Hamlet I doubt I'll make it to 60. I'm worried although this is a worry and not a fact that the vaccines will wind up being some kind of population control that will wind up killing most of us. 

I can't remember the old saying or quote that went "____ has made ____  of us all." Blank has made blank of us all. I must be losing my memory. I hope to see the quote one day. Maybe in time it will come to me. I tried searching on Google but with no luck whatsoever. 

"Thus conscience doth make cowards of us all." Shakespeare, Hamlet

I think that's it. 

James Caan, great actor, died on July 6, 2022. He was in the movie The Godfather. He was also in the movie The Good Neighbor. In that movie, the scenes where he got woken up again and again were funny. 

With every passing celebrity who dies, it means that we are all closer to our deaths. I hope that James Caan has a good afterlife. I hope he goes to heaven. 

I struggle with my faith. What if there is no heaven? What if the afterlife is just as nebulous and random and freaky as the place we got to in our dreams at night? There were times in my life where I had heavenly dreams, where I saw blue skies and white clouds and felt a feeling of total peace. But these dreams are few and far in between. Most dreams I have are about Vancouver or Dawson Creek and if those places can be thought of as heaven then I guess I go to heaven all the time in my dreams. 

Friday, July 8, 2022

Starting in March 2023, Canada will have medically assisted euthanasia available to those suffering depression, schizophrenia, PTSD and personality disorder or for any mental illness. 

That's like the suicide booth in Futurama. 

I think I have mental illness so I don't know how much longer I'll last. For a few years I've always thought my life was going nowhere anyways. I never got married or had children but I always believed that no marriage is better than an awful one. One gets married, their wife chests on them and starts an argument, goes to divorce court and the wife owns half of what their husband owns. No marriage is better than a marriage that wound up like that. No marriage is better than being in the hook for child support only to watch the child grow up and be saddled with student loan debt and to not be able to afford a house to live in for life. Life is getting worse. The World is getting worse. 

If I volunteer to, I could be euthanized. I don't know if I'll make it to 60. Cancel culture, me too movement, woke Karens, leftist ideology, strange gender studies teachings available in schools now all make life worse than ever before. Food prices inflation, real estate hyperinflation, climate change. There's no future. 

I wonder if I would volunteer to be euthanized. Get it over with. It would be a weird day but it would soon be gotten over with. There's a lot about life which I never liked. The World and humanity is far from perfect. 

Abortion is illegal in the States now. Yet euthanasia for the mentally ill will be legal in Canada next year. In Nazi Germany times, he mentally ill were sent to concentration camps and killed. 

There is a 90 day assessment. Most people won't pass the assessment. The mental illness has to be treatment resistant. After all other options have been exhausted like pills, medication, even long term vacation would the euthanasia go ahead and the patient has to consent to this. 

Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing. If life isn't working for me, why would I work for life? 

My life never has worked out. I never got married or had children. I have fear every day and mild depression at most times because life is a boring fishbowl existence. I had PTSD last year. But the painful rocks in the head and steam iron in the stomach feeling that comes from extreme stress PTSD and burnout goes away eventually although at the time you would think that it will last forever. 

I've been struggling with depression for years. I wonder if I'll be euthanized. 

Starting in March 2023, Canada will have medically assisted euthanasia available for those suffering severe mental illnesses such as depression, PTSD, personality disorder and schizophrenia. Patients have to volunteer for it and there is a 90 day waiting period. It would apply to treatment resistant depression and mental illness. So at this point I wonder if I'll make it to 60 as I'm 52 years old now. I've been struggling with mild depression for years which has often lapsed to suicidal ideation. I'm on a disability pension for schizophrenia so I wonder if I would be euthanized. Life has only ever been so good for me. I never got married or had children. What's there to live for? There's a lot about life which I never liked. Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing. If life hasn't worked for me, why should I work for life? My depression comes from boredom as life in this small town is a repetitive fishbowl existence. 

Strange that abortion is now illegal in the United States but euthanasia for the mentally ill will be legal in Canada next year. 

Questioning the possible mental illness of others is not only a national pastime in Canada, it's a National obsession. Often it's not who you are or what you did that makes one unsuccessful. It's where you are. Things that are such an issue about a person in one country is irrelevant in another country. That a person is unsuccessful. Governmental mismanagement or bad government regulation and policy can't have anything to do with why you're unsuccessful in this country. It has to be because you have some mental illness. The best solution is to move to another country. 

I wonder if I'll be euthanized just because I might be listed as someone who has had or does have some kind of mental issues? I'm not suicidal. I thank God for the gift of life, but I'm wondering if I'll be euthanized.

People who have been on the disability pension for decades specifically for mental illness such as myself would be asked, "Is your mental illness better? If so, why don't you get a job and have your pension cut off? Still too mentally ill to get a job? Then you might consider getting euthanized." Well, life has never really worked out for me all that well. I tried to make a go with my cartoons on YouTube but that never brought me the money I thought it might. Scientists say that the World is only barely habitable, I mean 75% of the World is oceans. Life is only just barely worth living. Racism, wars, corporate greed, unattainable expensive real estate, climate change, inflation in food prices, maybe euthanasia might be an idea. If nothing else works. I'll find out in a few years I guess, as to whether I'll be euthanized or not. 

Euthanasia would be one weird or edgy day. But it would soon enough be gotten over with. Then I'll be in the catbird's seat. I'll be in the afterlife with a whole new set of physics and time dynamic. I'd have to lean into the strike zone and take one for the team. 

Catholics won't be too happy about this. They are for the sanctity and preservation of life. Me as well. 

Last night I had a really sweet dream about Catholics. I walked up to a Catholic Church, opened the door and there was a beautiful ceremony. A Priest was dressed all in white and there were people bowing around him. They were all lying in the floor like Catholic Priests do during their investiture. I thought that since I am not Catholic and it looked like a secret ceremony, I closed the door. 

I talked to a few people about it this morning and not one of them said that I would be euthanized. 

Holy smokes! Japanese Prime Minister Shinzo Abe dies after being shot at during speech. Shocking! RIP

The guy who shot the Japanese PM is in trouble to the extent that most people won't ever see in thr lifetime. Japanese prison is brutal for normal prisoners. During the day, prisoners have to sit up all day and can't even lean against a wall. This guy will probably have a few karate kicks to the teeth. Talk about a painful dental procedure. 

That's straight out of the pages of Machiavelli. Punish someone so that others would think twice about doing the same thing. 

The Globe and Mail said that the 41 year old assassin didn't agree with a group that PM Shinzo Abe belonged to. 

Haiku:

Shinzo Abe*, Honest Abe, 

Both got shot

Does the World care? 

Quite a lot. 

*Abe is two syllables, Ah-bay

On July 26, I'm going to have the second from the last bottom back tooth on my left hand side extracted. Tooth 3-6 under the Canadian model of tooth charting. There is a painful spot that from experience will only get worse over time. Every time I drink or eat something hot or cold, there is a sharp excruciating pain. I plan to take a couple of T3s afterwards like last time. T3s leave me feeling edgy and confused the following days after I take it. I get irritable and angry. Which I'm not looking forward to. Being someone who believes that the best way to live is clean and sober I don't really want to get stoned on T3s. That could lead to an opiate addiction if one takes too much of it. I did all right last time my tooth was extracted which was in December of 2020. 

Why bother to get a tooth extracted if I'm going to be euthanized for mental illness? Well, I'm crazy. Crazy like a fox. I have a sense of humor. This euthanizarion thing will only affect the most severely mentally ill and cases will be triaged. Also Switzerland has had this approach to euthanasia for years. Most cases are denied and also a lot of requests for euthanasia is not only denied but also reported to the Police. An organization called DIGNITAS performs euthanasia on people in Switzerland. 

Euthanasia may be administered orally or intravenously. There is sodium pentobarbital to put one to sleep and then potassium cyanide to stop the heart. Hard core! 

I doubt I'd be euthanized. It's unanimous. Every single person I talked to said don't worry about it, I won't get euthanized. 

I learned from LaoWhy86 on YouTube in a video called China is Headed for Disaster on Purpose, about Ground News. GroundNews dot com talks about the News stories that only the left covers but not the right and vice versa. Ground News talks about the blind spots of the left and the right when it comes to News coverage. That should tell you something about how News coverage is structured. Fox News is right wing News while CNN is mainstream leftist. CNN is leftist only because there is currently a leftist power structure. Right wing news outlets are currently seen as the alternative. When the wind shifts and there is a right wing power structure again, when Republicans or Conservatives get in power, then CNN will be a right wing mainstream and the leftist News outlets will be the alternative media. 

Today, bank machines and debit card readers at businesses are down. To add to the list of troubles. 

Monday, July 11, 2022

On Sunday, I went to Church. Twice. Once for the afternoon choir singing too. Why not? 

Then on Sunday night while scrolling down video thumbnails. I picked one thumbnail which was a jazz song. There was another thumbnail that looked interesting but I didn't click on it so I lost it. I don't remember the name of the artist, nor the song, nor even what the thumbnail looked like. It was a single jazz song but performed in concert. I tried looking for it again but couldn't find it. Well, I should remind myself not to get hung up on trivial things. 

Found it. The video is Rick Braun, Larry Carlton, Kenny Garrett, Boney James, Kirk Whalum ALWAYS THERE

Today, I went to the dentist office and found out that my tooth wouldn't have to be extracted. It was agreed upon to wait until the tooth gets worse. Right now, it's manageable. Just don't eat anything too hot or too cold. 

I went to the beach today. There's only two options. Go to the beach or spend every day not going to the beach. It makes a difference. The water, the waves, the beach shoreline is beautiful. 

Before going to the beach, I went to Thrifty Foods on Menzies. I bought a piece of fish for $2. It was a piece of raw fish that I am going to steam with ginger and onion. And then add hot oil. Serve with rice. 

Sometime this week, I'm planning to see the Elvis movie. When I was younger I had sideburns like Vegas Elvis but I didn't comb the rest of my hair like Elvis. Now I have a bit of male pattern receding hairline baldness. 

Movie reviewers on YouTube said the movie is just as much about Colonel Tom Parker as it is about Elvis. Colonel Tom Parker took 50% of Elvis' earnings. But the 50% that Elvis walked away with was probably more than the 100% Elvis would have gotten if he worked alone. Martin Sheen said that Col Tom Parker held Elvis down to a formula of only being a stylized rock singer when Elvis wanted to expand and to become a genuine Hollywood actor with a wider range. Anyways, YouTube takes 100% of the earnings on my cartoons. However YouTube provides lifetime archiving and it has recommended me videos that are life changing. YouTube would recommend videos of musicians and music that I haven't listened to for years. I click on and am I ever glad to rediscover the music of great musicians who for some reason I lapsed on listening to their music. The 100% of earnings that YouTube takes of my cartoons is just as much as the 100% I would otherwise earn if I just used windows paint and windows movie maker and kept the cartoons as private files on my computer. YouTube let's me show my artistic talent to the World. I get a reputation for being an artist. I imagine that people who are jealous of my talent spread bad rumors about me ruining my reputation. However I never spread any rumors about them. God teaches to forgive others so that God will forgive you. God sees all. God will deal with the people who spread bad rumors about me. He will prepare a table of glory and promotion for you in front of your enemies, said the Bible. My cartoons might or might not get me rich and famous one day. The World is full of talented people. Just about every restaurant has people working there who are talented at this thing or other but never got famous. Lots of people who work in restaurants are in a rock band and their group is on YouTube but they also never got really famous. The odds are against it that most talented people will get rich and famous. They just do what they do because they enjoy it. 

There are a few singers at the Church choir of the Church I go to. They are very talented. So talented that they sound like they learned how to sing at a Conservatory. I told one lady that she is so talented that she could be rich and famous one day. She told me that she doubted that and didn't care if she ever gets rich and famous. She just sings because she enjoys it. I told her about my cartoons on YouTube and told her about my YouTube channel. 

The Elvis movie should be pretty good. The director Baz Luhrman directed Moulin Rouge and also The Great Gatsby. He is a visionary director and he has courage to direct films that are crazy in a good way and not have panic attacks thinking, "My movie is too crazy. If people see it, they'll think I'm crazy!" He doesn't think that because he is fearless. A lot of directors, performers etc lose their nerve as they get older, fearing that people will think that they're crazy. I myself have gone through these fears. I was wrestling with lots of fear when I made my Emily Carr's Monkey cartoon. It really struck me when I did the scene with Emily Carr in the pet shop. "People will think this is crazy for sure and they'll think I'm crazy!" I did the cartoon and no one has said anything about it. Actually my cartoon is innocuous compared to the Dune movie. That movie was really crazy, in a good way. 

George Miller was in his 70s when he directed Mad Max Fury Road. That movie was really crazy but the director at his age didn't lose his nerve before nor during the the time he directed that movie. 

My cartoons on YouTube have amateur production values at best. They certainly don't have professional production values. My cartoons are a one man band kind of cartoons. Professional cartoons usually have a team of people who worked on it. So I don't know how much or how little  money my cartoons on YouTube would get. I'll tell you what I think of it after I see it. 

I'm not really a fan of Elvis' music. He was a country rock and rockabilly singer in the style of the 50s and early 60s. I like 70s and 80s music and I like jazz rock music and I also like disco dance music. Elvis was never jazz or disco. 

Tuesday, July 12, 2022

I saw the Elvis movie today. It was a great movie. There were scenes that I saw that brought a mini scary panic attack to me as Elvis is so old. 

I remember an old grandfather who I used to visit with my parents. He was the husband of my grandmother's sister. He died in 1979. The house that they lived in had so many vibes of an old old time that had long passed. I think of them a lot for some reason. The other day, at the Supermarket I saw an old lady wearing the same black round glasses he used to wear and her face looked like she could be his sister even though that old grandfather was Chinese and the lady I saw at the Supermarket is White. The times Elvis lived in is old like that. I digress. 

The actor Austin Butler at certain moments looked just like Elvis. That often happens with movies when actors or actresses are portraying certain people. The movie was flashy and had a lot of facts about Elvis. The movie was spectacular like a fireworks show. 

After I saw the movie, I was walking on the street and I saw someone wearing a shirt that had the word Levi's on it. That's an anagram of Elvis. How could that guy know I had seen the Elvis movie? That's a sign from Elvis' spirit, I believe. There were only 3 people in the theatre including myself. One of the people was a really old lady. She must have been a fan of Elvis during the years he was alive. 

Even though it was a two and a half hour movie, it went fast. 

The movie makes me want to watch YouTube videos about Elvis. My very favorite Elvis songs are his Christmas songs. I like Blue Christmas, Here Comes Santa Claus and Santa Bring My Baby Back To Me. 

Elvis copied off Black people but so did so many others like Led Zeppelin etc

Black people are super geniuses at music or they were. The new electro rap music doesn't sound good to me. But Black jazz musicians are still genius. 

I am very upset that for a lot of years, people in the United States had racist policies against Black people. That's awful. The Elvis movie talked about that. 

Elvis manager was against Elvis going overseas even though concerts in London, Paris and Rome would have brought him $1 million each. There were issues about his manager Tom Parker getting a passport and Tom Parker didn't want Elvis to travel without him. Elvis did perform in Canada, he even performed in Vancouver at Empire Stadium, because in those days you could travel to Canada if you were an American or the States if you were a Canadian only showing your drivers license. Passports weren't required then like they are now. If passports were required then like it is now, Elvis would have never performed in Canada. 

During Elvis' last years, he was under contract to perform 7 days a week at the hotel in Las Vegas that he performed at. Working 7 days a week can give a person burnout, exhaustion, stress and PTSD and extreme anxiety. That would have contributed to his death. I know what it's like to work 7 days a week when I was a caregiver. I'm sure glad I don't have to be a caregiver anymore. I sure don't miss that job. I knew of a restaurant owner who worked at his restaurant 7 days a week. Hard work. He didn't get burnout because he took a three week vacation in the summer and a two week vacation in March every year and he would travel to different places. Plus he got well paid for working 7 days a week since he owned the restaurant. Extremely well paid. That would take the edge off. He was so well paid that every few years he got himself a new BMW SUV. I don't care about BMW SUVs. I never gave it a second look and never gave it a second thought. However I always think about the 1987 model BMW 325i, 4 door and red. White too would be a really nice color of a BMW car for me. Automatic or standard transmission, who cares? It's an impossible dream. I doubt that I'd ever own a BMW nor could afford to. BMW's are money pits. Insurance and gas are really really pricey. Plus paid parking is pricey too. 

Austin Butler the Elvis actor will be in Dune 2 as the knife wielding Piter de varies, nephew of Baron Harkonnen. In the movie Austin Butler was to dress up as Elvis wearing Butler clothes. The movie said that Elvis isn't a butler, but he was in the movie, an Austin Butler. 

The movie depicted the fact that Elvis was made to take a lot of drugs. Uppers ampetamines, and downers, morphine. Elvis doctor, Dr Nick, recommended these drugs to Elvis. That also led to Elvis death. Too bad, because the best way to live is clean and sober. Back in those days a lot of actors, actresses and musicians were made to do a lot of drugs so they could keep up with their gruelling work schedule. I wish I could quit smoking tobacco. I struggle with the decision of whether to go back to smoking pot regularly again. But tobacco and pot are soft drugs. Hard drugs are another story altogether. No one should do hard drugs at all. 

Shinzo Abe getting assassinated would worry me if I were a politician. Some on the internet in the comments section said that the bank robbery in July in Victoria BC could have been a black flag operation. I don't know about that. 

But Shinzo Abe's death could have been a black flag operation. No one person would have the guts or motivation to shoot a politician. However other politicians or the handlers of politicians through buffers might initiate a black flag operation to send a warning. In the YouTube comments section it said that the Venezuela President was assassinated because he didn't approve of the Covid vaccine. Shinzo Abe left office in 2020 which was when Covid started. Japan believed in annisolationist policy believing that Japanese made cures could deal with the virus. The vaccines weren't released until 2021 though. Or maybe in December 2020. I don't know what happened with Shinzo Abe. Was it a black flag operation that New World Order cabal initiated? After the assassination, Shinzo Abe's political party is slated to win the next election in Japan. Before the assassination, that party was lagging in the polls. Was the assassination done to ensure that the party would get reelected through a sympathy vote? Well it's a toss up between the Never Ending Worrying Shit of mainstream News or else if you seek the alternative, it's the just as if not more worrying tropes advanced by conspiracy theorists on the internet and their worrying batshit crazy conspiracy theories. Either way you lose. 

The cutting tweezers from Pakistan I ordered from Amazon arrived today. Alas they are slightly too big for my nostril which I was going to use for to cut the excess hard mucus growth. The picture makes it seem smaller than it really is. Had I got the proviso that it'd be too large for my nostril, I wouldn't have ordered it. Live and learn. 

I have a pair of hangnail tweezers but the cutting edge is at a slant angle which decreases the leverage I need to really press down on the surface of my nostril where the excess hard mucus is. 

These are the hangnail tweezers I ordered and got from Amazon. So far Amazon has delivered on exactly 100% of all items I ever ordered. They never ever missed even one order. 

I once ordered a BMW cap while I was in Dawson Creek. I moved to Vancouver a few days later and thus never got the BMW cap. It wasn't Amazon's fault that I moved to Vancouver. I was once able to order the BMW cap for $35. The price has now jumped to $60. In any case I wouldn't reorder a cap of a car company that I doubt I would ever own a car of. I want the 1987 BMW 325i, red or white and 4 door. Otherwise I'm simply not interested in any other BMW. Even the 80s model BMW 320i isn't that interesting to me. What the heck. I would settle for an 80s model BMW 320i but they're usually two doors. I need a 4 door BMW. 2 doors seems like a compromise, a downgrade.  I wouldn't want to own a 2 door BMW. Not interested. 

Dr Andrew Kaufman said that Covid is a psy op. Well people can and will believe anything. It's better to trust the government. Not trusting the government can and will lead to depression. Of course we're all points on a curve. Some people will trust the government more and some people will trust the government less than others. 

Wednesday, July 13, 2022

I'm learning Polish again at age 52. What if I don't make it to 60? Learning a language with so few years to live is a waste of time. What if I live to 80? If I don't learn it, then I would have wasted so many years not learning. I'll take a chance that I'll live to at least 70 so I could learn the language. My two Polish lady friends have left me. I had a Polish lady friend who was a dental  hygienist but she moved on to another workplace. My other Polish lady friend only speaks English and she too is gone from my life. Zero out of two ain't bad. Plus a Polish restaurant has closed. The Cook and Pan Polish restaurant has closed which is a very sad thing for me. I would have visited if my command of the Polish language was better however I think that 95% of their customers don't speak Polish. That the restaurant has closed is a major loss for me and I lament that it closed. 

I meant to but for some reason never visited the Cook and Pan restaurant. It must have slipped my mind. 

There is always the White Eagle Polish Hall and if I learn Polish well, I'll go there. Mowie troche po Polsku. Chcialbym tam pojsc. Chcialbym isc do Polskiej restauracji. Chcialbym zamowic pieczony kurzak. These are phrases that I'm committing to memory. 

Polish is similar to Russian in that there are several suffixes to words that must grammatically match the context of the sentence spoken. Even people who have spoken the language for years often get the suffixes to certain words wrong but they are still generally understood. 

If I get my courage again, I must reignite my courage to possibly move to Gdansk Poland. That's the city in Poland that appeals most to me. Plus it would probably be less costly to rent a place and to live in general in Gdansk than it would be to live in London England. Here I am going on a flight of fancy again. 

In Polish, the word for please and you're welcome is the same word. Prosze. 

So please, thank you, you're welcome is Prosze, dziekuje, prosze which in English would register as please, thank you, please. Oh well, whatever. 

I am crazy. I wish to be completely normal but I have issues. I think the people who go to Church are normal. They don't have issues but one of the uncomfortable truths of life is the people who you think are normal are people that you don't know very well. We all have issues. Religion teaches that there is only one person who never had issues and was completely normal and that's Jesus. There are some who come close to Jesus like the Saints. This is what Jesus taught, that it's no challenge to love someone who is normal. But to love someone including yourself who is somewhat crazy and has issues is to experience the essence of God's love. I just have to think of the ways that I'm not crazy but other people are. For eg I'm not a major alcoholic. Etc

The ways I am crazy is quite repetitive. I've been crazy this way for years. There's no real new craziness. I guess I'm not that crazy. A barometer of craziness is whether the Police are visiting me all the time. If they were, then I'd know I'm crazy. Sometimes I think the Police are watching me for signs of craziness but they would probably say, "You think you're crazy. You have no idea. There are people we know who are crazy in ways you couldn't even imagine. You have no reference points to how crazy they are."

The ways I'm crazy are that I often collect garbage or things I find on the street that I think are appealing and then I keep them sometimes forever. 

I smoke tobacco. I'm into older even much older women. I collect marijuana roaches that I find on the street. I have quite the collection now after collecting for a year but also quitting for a year and I can't decide whether or not to smoke it, ever. I might quit Marijuana or life but I used to smoke that every day for decades. My room is cluttered with too many things. I want to have a clean minimalist room. However some people are maximalist. Baz Luhrman the director has been described as maximalist. Some people have no problem with not being a minimalist. Some schools of Buddhism are minimalist and some are maximalist. I think that the sheer amount of things I have in my room and don't want to part with will keep me in this hotel room forever. But I have moved from rooms before to new rooms even new hotels and left behind a lot of things but eventually I accepted that. 

I write about my dreams and that's crazy. 

If souls exist for eternity or if even eternity exists, what happens a googol years from now? What happened a googol years in the past? The Universe itself doesn't live a googol years, maybe for about 25 billion years. 

A near death experiencer on YouTube said he experienced the seven levels of heaven, each level a million times more pure and loving than the last. But what if a person goes to the 7th level of heaven and then inevitably goes through the phases of the afterlife being: disorientation, acclimatization, boredom and finally craziness or else a mental breakdown?

To keep us on our toes we get reincarnated from heaven into an adventure which is a life on Earth or maybe some other planet with intelligent life. But what if one day after the Universe dies ad there are no stars or planets, where do we reincarnate to then? 

I think that we go on for awhile in the afterlife but not forever. I think maybe 1,000 years. But even that times goes fast! 

Prospectively, 1,000 years seems like forever but retrospectively, it goes fast! 

Then as spirits we fade away slowly but not die as in a human physical death. Einstein siad that energy is never created or destroyed so upon spiritual death or fading away, we get sublimated or commuted to some other form of energy just as vital. 

For 70 or so years on Earth we live on in heaven as our Earthly personality forever? That's sure milking 70 years. A googol years, even a googol times a googol years which is one followed with 10,000 zeros, forever is longer than that. We still live on even then? I really doubt it. We'd either get bored or crazy. 

Religion teaches that there is God and heaven. But what if there isn't? Then we're all doomed. God created the Universe. Who created God? I think that even aliens believe in God. Aliens taught humans about God a long time ago. 

Religion is 100% real. 

Manicheanism. God dispenses good and evil. God created the devil so the devil is an extension of God and so is hell. But the idea is evil is a means to an end. Evil is a roundabout way of scaring us or forcing us to be good. Evil is a relative value that allows us to see the value of goodness so we must always strive to be good. Without dark, you cannot know the light. Without night you can not know the day in the same way that you would without night to offset it. 

I would like to see signs of the presence of God present themselves in my life. I want to see a major undeniable sign of a God who loves me and who loves all of us. I often see two yellow taxicabs next to each other and reminds me of two angels. I see that extremely often. However, I want to see a much bigger sign. Be careful what you wish for. 

The reckoning of time on a subjective level is dependant on physical factors. If the Earth revolved around the sun once every what we know as 100 years, and the moon went through the phases of full moon to half moon to crescent moon to full moon again only once every 100 years, how old would we be then? YouTube Vsauce talked about chronosonder and he also talked about prospective perception of time and retrospective perception of time meaning, how old would you think you are if you weren't told? If a person lived through a full 100 year revolution of the Earth that person wouldn't be thought of as 1 years old as living through a revolution of the Earth around the sun would be a milestone rather than a routine demarcation of time. In that kind of reality, we wouldn't reckoning ourself as being a certain number of age for eg I'm 52 years old now. We'd see ourself as phases. Child, young adult, middle aged and old aged. That's it. 

Prospective - perceiving time as it happens. The holiday paradox: perspectively the time waiting at the airport before the trip seems like a long time. The day spent at the beach during the holiday seems like a short time. 

Retrospective - perceiving time after it happened. Holiday paradox: retrospectively the time waiting at the airport seemed like a short time but the time at the beach seemed like a long time remembered years after the event. 

Proportion theory: When a person is ten, a year is one tenth of their life lived. When a person is 50, a year is one 50th of their life lived. But it's different for decades. Decades seems to go faster with each passing decade until age 50. Then the perception of the speed of decades seems to plateau. 

All this is from Vsauce, Illusions of Time on YouTube. 

He also talked about the conceptual comparison heuristic. We think T-rex existed around the same time as stegosaurus when stegosaurus was extinct for 80 million years before T-Rex appeared. Stegosaurus is more ancient to T-Rex than T-Rex is to us as T-Rex went extinct 65 million years ago because of the Chicxulub asteroid. A person who is 50 years old has been alive for one fifth of America's entire history although the 50 year old wouldn't think so. A person who is 25 has been around for about one tenth of America's history. 

Someone called Spyder in the comments section of his video Did People Look Older?, "Does he realize how much this generation needs people like him?" 

Sonder is realizing people live full lives, lives just as full as yours. 

Ab ovo meaning from the egg is a feeling that life began when you were born and ends when you die and all that happened before you is meaningless pretext and all that happens afterwards is a meaningless footnote. Ab ovo is also similar to the Protagonist syndrome where you believe that you're the main character in life as if it were a movie. 

Chronosonder - realizing that contrary to ab ovo, people lived full lives not only over there but over then. That's what happens when one doesn't believe in ab ovo. The belief in the reality that your life is in media res, in the middle of the time of lives before and lives to come in the future. That truly meaningful life didn't begin and end with your life. 

I went to the beach today. I went to Ogden Point and saw a huge Carnival Holiday Cruises cruise ship. I found a soft pillow I brought home that I decided I don't need so I'm throwing it away. 

I borrowed at the Library and saw the movie The Witches. It is the movie with Anne Hathaway. A boy gets turned into a mouse. 

Near the end of the movie, the grandmother said that she was getting up there in years but inside she was still a little girl. Remember who you are inside. She also said that although he was a mouse, she still saw the little boy that her grandson was. There are some events that can permanently change people in life. They just have to remember who they are inside. 

Thursday, July 14, 2022

The only reward I get for making through a day of fear is yet another day of fear. Today is no exception. In the movie the Witches, the mouse said, "I'm a little mouse. Little things don't scare me anymore." Days usually start with fear for me. But some days wind up being very blissful although that's not apparent first thing in the morning. I didn't use to feel fear. Maybe this is just a phase. When I went to Thailand the first time, I had fear for about three weeks because of being in a strange new country. That fear eventually went away. Maybe this fear will too. But now I fear growing old although old age doesn't officially begin until age 72. I just fear growing older and such a fear may or may not ever go away because growing older is something that never ends. If one moves to a strange new country and decides to stay there for life, that never goes away too but they get used to it. Maybe I'll get used to growing older  as well. 

My life has 1,001 unresolved very minor details. There are things in my room that I never use and haven't thrown away. Etc. 

I used to love to travel and go on vacation but that scares me now. I've seen videos in YouTube of people much older than me going on vacation. 

YouTube Justin Eastern Europe traveled to Poland. He can speak English and Russian very well. In Warsaw at a flea market, one guy hassled him and said in Polish, "You're an American. You'll get arrested. You won't be laughing soon!" or words to that effect. I got the translation in the comments section. 

In Gdansk he was very kind to share a sandwich with a guy. The guy said "English for me is a big problem." Big problem was the operative phase. That guy didn't have good vibes. Things like that scare me about traveling. Maybe that guy was an agent or a local who was hassling Justin because he was going around filming people and talking Russian at a time when Russia is fighting Ukraine. A lot of the shopkeepers he met in Poland are Ukrainian and Justin was speaking Russian to them. Who knows? 

Someone in the comments section translated and said that the man thanked Justin for the meal saying, "This food is from heaven."

The vast majority of the people Justin met in Poland were very nice people. 

In the Breaking Bad in Poland episode, he met a couple of drunks near the Praga district in Warsaw. That district had a reputation for being rough and was a no go zone 20 years ago. One of the drunks looked a bit like actor Ian Tracy. The episode was called Breaking Bad because people say that Justin looks like Dean Norris aka Dea agent Hank Schrader and in that video he met an English expat living in Poland who looks like Walter White. 

I once walked past Ian Tracy in Vancouver. I smiled because he is a famous actor. He just walked on. He looked a bit surly and somewhat distracted. 

I feel low key anxiety every day. Life is scary. I get scared. I hope that this goes away one day. 

As popular as he is especially to the anti vaxxers, Pierre Poliviere won't be the next leader of the Liberal Party. PMs are usually powerful enough to choose their successor. And Pierre Poliviere isn't exactly buddy buddy with PM Trudeau. Trudeau is a Chretien loyalist so the next leader of the Liberals will naturally be a Trudeau loyalist. I think Trudeau will appoint Christia Freeland to be his successor and so far as she wins the election, she could be the first elected and not just appointed female PM of Canada. I don't care if a female is the PM as long as she can do the job. Male or female, as long as the cheque keep rolling in, who cares who the PM is? I think that just about all Canadians would think that. Who cares as long as the cheque keep rolling in? But Canada usually goes through a point counterpoint of political parties in power. Conservatives, then Liberals then Conservatives then Liberals. In the federal election of 2025, Canadians will have Liberal Party fatigue and I think the Conservatives will win. So much for a possible PM Christia Freeland. Canadian PMs usually last for a maximum of about ten years give or take a couple of years. 

I rediscovered the Hiroshima album Go. I had that album a few years ago, like in 1988. Three songs I really like, One Wish, Even Then and Hawaiian Electric. 311 is a good song, but the other songs are better. Hiroshima is a Japanese jazz group. One Wish popped up as a YouTube recommendation. I listened to the song and was mesmerized. How did I stop listening to that for so long? It must have slipped my mind. 

Well, the next thing I will say registers as a highly intrusive and unwanted thought. It's a music geek kind of thought and after I write this, I think the people in the long white coats and the butterfly nets will come to my apartment and collect me. I'm almost blushing and not in a good way as I write this. There was a major fusion saxophone jazz song that I heard twice in my life on the jazz radio station in Vancouver in the 80s. I think the performers name is Christian Velkins or Welkins or something or maybe the radio DJ was referring to another song. I think the jazz instrumental is German. It has a funky Euro sound. There is a 4 hour jazz album on YouTube. I'm not listening to a 4 hour album of 80s jazz hits just to find some song. That album does have Najee - For The Love Of You which is a smokin' song. The men in the long white coats and butterfly nets haven't visited me. I'm baffled. I thought that they would have. 

In 1994, now that I'm on the topic, I heard a song which the lyrics were, "Hey DJ play that song, keep me dancing". I heard it just once and for some damned reason my batshit crazy monkey mind won't let me forget it. 

This song I found out tonight on YouTube is from World Famous Supreme Team recorded in 1983.

Comedy. Joel Osteen's wife is named Victoria. 

"When is Joel Osteen coming to Victoria BC?" 

"Joel Osteen's in Victoria just about every night."

I don't want to see Suzie ever again. 

"It's good that he was here and it's good that he's gone." What About Bob

It's good that I met Suzie at all and it's good that if I play my cards right, I'll never see her again. If I ever got a windfall, I'd move to Vancouver and live near UBC and I wouldn't miss Suzie at all. When I saw her, I only got two minutes to talk to her. And then stupid me, I would volunteer to walk her to her car whereupon I would only get 3 minutes to talk to her and then she'd drive away in her BMW M series car leaving me standing on the curb. What a bad energy jangle. It has gotten to upset me so much that at this point, I don't care if I ever see her again. She said she'd give me a ride but that was two years ago. If I'm going to wait two years for something, I'd rather not have it at all. Suzie is a narcissist or some of the narcissist patterns are there. She is a narcissist and when she meets me, an empath which is rare, there's a golden opportunity for her to someone absorb my energy and approval because that's a real battery for the psychic vampire spirit of narcissists. All the ingredients are there, the lovebombing, then the pulling in the gaslighting and then the humiliation. Narcissists want to ruin and destroy an empath energy, to take an empath time and energy. The humiliation is when she drives away and leaves me standing at the curb but every time she gives her friend a ride each and every time. It'd be no problem if I wasn't there at all because then it would be irrelevant. But that I'm there and to have that bad energy jangle catalyze with my thoughts. I remember that I was able to avoid her for a year and then when I started to acquiesce to regress and visit her again, within three visits I got a major PTSD panic attack the way that I do when I decide that a person is no good, then I don't see them for quite awhile and when I see them again I feel like I've been kicked in the stomach. Serves me right for deciding to see her again. I haven't seen her for a few weeks and I feel much better. I have to make a deal with God that if I get my wish to never see her again, I will be the best Christian I can be. I visit Heather because Heather treats me like a man. Suzie treats me like a child. Suzie is very patronizing. Suzie owes me nothing and I owe her nothing. Suzie doesn't owe me a ride and that she has a BMW M series is none of my business. And I don't owe her any kind of friendship. To go to where she works and to line up and wait ten minutes to talk to her for two minutes and then to make another trip back there and to walk her to her car. Why cross an ocean for someone who wouldn't even leap across a puddle for you? I hope that I never see Suzie ever again. She is a trap. I'd like to move back to Vancouver much much much much more than I ever want to see Suzie ever again. I'm not legally required to see Suzie again. I'm not even morally or socially required to see her again. Her BMW is nice but it's not the one that I'd want. Sure it's an M series but it has two doors. Who cares? It's not an 80s model, it's one of those modern BMWs that don't look distinct from a lot of other modern cars of different brands. Who cares? It's a gray color BMW and I never thought even once that I'd even remotely want a gray colored BMW. I prefer red or white. I wish I never met Suzie. Meeting her has ruined the last couple of years of my life. I hope to God and Jesus that I never see her ever again. I hope that God helps me. I wonder if he will or maybe he won't bother. If the situation regarding this gets bad then I'll be forced to move to Vancouver. Suzie is kind of old. The way I see this playing out is that she'll retire in a few years then I won't see her ever again. I still wish her the best but also hope that I don't see her ever again. I wish that I never met her. 

There's about ten thousand people with BMWs in this town including Suzie  and 50,000 people with BMWs in Vancouver. So I'm already ignoring about 60,000 people with BMWs. What's one more? 

I feel that there would be a lot of people cheering me on saying, "Don't see Suzie again! You don't need a narcissist like that in your life!" 

I'm 52 and I feel that I'm over the hill and past it. If I make it to 70 I might say, "I wish I was in my early 50s again and to think that I wasted so much time thinking that I was old. I'm old now!" I really intensely doubt I'd make it to 80. I think that there's just about a 100% chance that I won't make it to 80. 

Even thinking about Suzie brings me pain. 

Friday, July 15, 2022

Joyce Meyer has a husband named Dave, a brother named David and a son named David. Tsar Nicholas 2  of Russia had a grandfather named Alexander 2, a father named Alexander 3, a wife named Alexandria and a son named Alexei. 

I get food anxiety because food is getting expensive. I don't want to wind up broke. There is a place for free meals and there are food lines. Grocery stores often have deals. 

I went to the beach today. At the beach and all day, I listened to the song Hey DJ from World Famous Supreme Team. The word Supreme because of the first syllable Sue made me think of Suzie. It's insidious. Turns out I already have a song of theirs on my Walkman. All this time. The song is Buffalo Gals  from Malcolm Maclaren. Buffalo Gala is a WFST song. Malcom Mclaren was the manager of the Sex Pistols. 

At the beach I listened to some songs from Hiroshima, the Japanese jazz band. 

After going to the beach, I went to Sult pierogi restaurant and ordered a few perogies, take out order. I wanted to order more but I'm on a budget. I'm not rich like Elon Musk. Eating the pierogis. At my apartment, I watched Justin Eastern Europe's video 3 Brits in Poland and fast forwarded to where they were eating at a pierogi restaurant in Krakow. 

Then I had an afternoon nap that lasted for two hours. The pierogis hit me hard and well. I usually have an afternoon nap after eating something in the afternoon. 

I was able to make Chinese dumplings. I should be able to make my own pierogis. Sult restaurant steams and fries pierogis but a lot of people just steam or else boil them without frying them afterwards. 

The last month after Heather moved and I didn't have to take care of her and the wheelchair 7 days a week, I had afternoon naps again for the first time in a long time. Afternoon naps are very healing to burnout. I still do love Heather very much and I visit her about once or twice a week. But it's only one visit rather than before I was helping her around the clock 7ndays a week. But adding up the help even then, I wound up working for her for less than an hour a day. A couple of minutes work here, a couple of minutes work there. 

I hope I get happier in my old age. I fear that I'll just be bored if not depressed in my old age. I should enjoy my 50s. One day I might be 70 and wish I were in my 50s again and wish that I didn't waste so much time living in fear and worry. There's a 75% chance that I'll make it to 70. I don't know if I'll make it to 75 though. If I were 20 again, especially in these times, I wouldn't know if I'd make it to 30. Every decade has this fear. 

Terra and Hailee didn't release a video today. They said they'd release a video every two Fridays at 3pm PST. Their video was to be about St Anne's Academy. 

I am learning Polish every day. How good will I be in a year, two years etc.

Maybe I should learn Portuguese. I used to have a Portuguese girlfriend named Maria. If I ever see her again, I could impress her with the Portuguese I learned. She speaks perfect English. I wonder if I'll ever see her again. I probably won't. 

I learned a couple of phrases. Como voces esta? How are you? En nao te vejo ha muito tempo. I haven't seen you for a long time. Senti a sua falta. I missed you. Eu te amo. I love you. 

In Polish, I missed you is Tenskilem za toba. I've known this one for about a year. 

Learning languages is a rabbit hole. One can learn for years and still have so much more to learn. 

I might be too old to dream of moving to another country. If I were younger, I'd think of moving to Poland. Everyone on YouTube said Poland is a great country. Friendly people, prices not too expensive. Also Asians who travelled to Poland have good things to say about the country. 

Does anyone here speak English? Czy ktos tutaj mowie po Angielsku? Polish; Polsku. 

Saturday, July 16, 2022

Another morning when I wake up slightly fearful. The fear isn't as bad as it once was. The dream world has a light and airy feel to it. And the waking world has the chance to listen to music and the possibility of experiencing moments of wakeful bliss. You never know what the day will bring. This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it. Thank God for the gift of life. I am grateful for the things I have and I thank God for taking care of me all these years. Life is edgy but overall I'm OK. I fear the future. 

I watch Debbie Hellion videos on YouTube and life seems to be getting worse for her as her neighborhood is getting worse for her. I subscribed to her when she was 27 subscribers. Now she has more subscribers than me. But good for her. She uploads consistently every day. Every day she uploads a few videos. When she gets 1,000 subscribers, she'll make money. YouTube is if a person gets a million views on a video, whether they have 1,000 subscribers whether they have a million subscribers, they get paid the same. If Debbie signs into the ad program on YouTube, I'll be seeing ads on her videos. I don't think I'll ever visit her. That neighborhood seems profoundly rough and violent. And Debbie said the area always smells like a toilet because of what she refers to as the "street poopers". Not exactly an incentive to visit. I hope she has a better future. 

The Chinese have a saying that my father used to always say to me, "Moe mm sam mm say." Literally it means Don't be not three and not four which means don't dwelve into improper things, this thing improper, that thing improper. But sam and say meaning three and four is also slang for sang meaning life and say meaning death. Say would be said in different tones according to the word used as Chinese is a tonal language. So the saying would also mean Don't be not wanting life and not wanting death. 

In other words don't be suicidal and don't be so afraid of death at the same time. 

Sometimes I have that problem of having a death wish or at any rate, wanting to quit life because it is overwhelming with a lot of details and tasks to be done but also afraid of death because the afterlife will have no walkman with headphones and music and it won't have televisions and YouTube and the internet. 

Life is like walking on a razor blade. 

Life is also like the zen story, a man hangs on a vine over a cliff, tigers below and a mouse gnawing on the vine above. The man grabs a strawberry growing on the vine. How sweet it tasted! 

Or life is also like the final scene in Dr Strangelove. The cowboy is riding on a falling atomic bomb but waving his hat and yahooing excitedly. 

In the midst of an overwhelming life with a turbulent past and a very uncertain future, the best thing you can do is to enjoy the present moment. Just wish for life. Don't be afraid of life and afraid of death simultaneously. 

Just wish for life and accept the inevitability of death whenever it happens and for most people that won't be until decades later. Just be happy and remember to thank God for the gift of life. 

Debbie Hellion subscribed to my YouTube channel but the subscription didn't show which apparently is a common problem on YouTube. YouTube is a broken platform. 

Debbie's subscription finally showed up. It's a delayed reaction kind of thing. She subscribed to me on her other channel too. That subscription didn't show up yet. Debbie said that she appreciates me as a human being. That makes my day. I wonder if I'll ever meet her. I will always wish her the best. I hope that God looks after her. 

I went to the Fairway supermarket and bought some beef medley which is sliced beef in Korean ketchup gojuchang sauce. Then I bought some ramen noodles. That always makes me sleep in the afternoon when I eat it. And I got some shrimp balls. That's all I could afford. I was going to get a 2l bottle of cream soda for $3 but Dollarama sells 1 litre soft drinks for $1. So I held off. 

I visited Heather this afternoon. We went to Dollarama and she bought me a $1 bottle of Dr Pepper. 

I spent the rest of the day in my apartment. I ate some ramen noodles and I had an afternoon nap when I had an interesting dream about having sex with a lady who is old, then a Royal visit then a tour of a 19th Century castle then me telling some jokes and I laughed. 

Covid vaccines now extend to babies 5 months old and up. At first they said covid really only affects the old. They keep moving the goalposts. The internet said that Trudeau bought enough covid vaccines for ten doses for every Canadian. He's up to his eyeballs in this thing. I worry that this is a subtle form of population control. Who knows what kind of pharmaceutical hidden tech is in the vaccines. People themselves become GMOs genetically modified organisms. Chemical lobotomy, genetic modification or slowly with every dose it shortens lives. The body naturally produces antibodies. If it senses that there is too much or if there is already antibodies, the body naturally turns off the antibody producing mechanism off. One day, the body won't be able to produce any natural antibodies and will be dependant on vaccines for antibodies. Debbie Hellion never got any vaccines. I'm very proud of her for that. She is still brave enough to smoke cannabis all the time. Since I got the vaccines, I haven't been able to smoke cannabis without a whole ton of fear. So I quit. Maybe this is the better me. At 52, I don't know how many years I have left and I don't want to spend my whole old age being stoned. Being sober is very nice. 

Population control was traditionally done with war. That was back in the days when families had 7 children on average. Now the average is 2.5 children; the nuclear family. But war is too economically destabilizing. 

Then population control was and still is achieved with economic forces. Now population control is done with pharmaceutical methods and there is going to be a booster shot every 9 months for the foreseeable future. 

Of course reports of illness or death associated with vaccines is under reported. 

What if the covid vaccines improved health and added to longevity? Knowing human nature, a lot of people would still be skeptical of that and reject the vaccines. 

Of course at any age, one thinks that they are old and one wonders if they will make it through to the rest of the decade. Even at 20 one can wonder if they'll make it to 30. Things are uncertain and every generation has at least one movie star or music star who dies in their 20s. These kinds of headlines will pop out. A YouTube channel called Easy Polish interviews people on the streets of Poland. One Polish gentleman said that if one stays home and reads the internet, there are so many bad news shock media stories. However if one goes out and walks on the street, the World doesn't seem to be so bad. 

I don't want to stay in my hotel room and have cabin fever all the time but going out and walking the same streets over and over again seems pointless. There has to be a balance. Walk around but don't feel compelled to walk around out of some obsessive compulsive disorder. My walks are a mess. OCD kicks in and I pick up cigarette butts or I pick up garbage and throw it in a garbage can or else I keep some of it. I keep a lot of useless trash. I'm bit of a hoarder in that way. That's why life scares me. 

Tonight I went on a walk to the Legislative Buildings. I had the song Hey DJ  on a continuous loop until I got tired of it and listened to other songs. Hey DJ, I thought that me remembering that song for all these years was geeky. It's one of the best things that ever happened to me when I rediscovered it. Rediscovering the song is one thing that makes me glad that I didn't kill myself years ago. Not that I would have. I was so screwed up then. When I fist heard the song in 1994, it was 11 years old. Now the song is about 40 years old. Hey DJ is a song that really makes me dance. I try to make my dancing hypnotic. I look in the mirror as I practice dancing and even I'm slightly hypnotized. A song can only have one proper set of moves changing each time one dances. I try to channel these precise moves. There is a look on my face when I get it right. 

It will be a long time before I hear another song that really makes a difference. Well, that comes up often for me, luckily. Michael Franks - Your Secrets Safe With Me and Leading Me Back To You are really good. 

Hey DJ is on another level. That song is street but it has a lot of warmth and captures the warmth of the 80s. On one level the 80s never went away. All time exists simultaneously as time travel is time experienced on an objective level. Time travel can be experienced on a proxy level when one watches television and then fast forwards or rewinds a program. Time is a strange algorithm. Time is a construct. Time is like a river or mountain before it was given a name and after it was given a name. So I can easily believe and experience the 80s to have never left especially if I listen to 80s music. I need to live in a yuppie condo and to drive a 4 door 1987 BMW 325i to really experience the 80s. The 80s for me was English Bay, Robson Street, Granville St, Kitsilano and UBC. But for most people, the hardcore 80s is Los Angeles, New York, Miami, Tokyo and Hong Kong and London. Those are the major cities which are more major than Vancouver. For me, the only 80s is Vancouver and Victoria as I visited Victoria BC twice during the 80s. During the 80s, Earl's restaurant was on Fisgard and Government. I drove there in my 1974 4 door Toyota Corolla. I had fettucine alfredo carbonara for lunch. That was in 1987. That was the good old days. Joni Mitchell said, "These are the good old days." As much as we fret about today, before you know it, not too long away in the future, we will see the 2020s as the good old days, the golden era, etc. 

The 70s had moldy houses made of wallpaper plastered over a moldy wood or brick wall and not gyproc, there was only television with 2 channels in the early 70s and even these channel were only on for a few hours a day. There were only rotary dial telephones and certainly no cell phones as cell phones would have been seen as a Star Trek communicator and would have been shocking. But the 70s is now seen as the good old days full of nostalgia and also the golden era. 

There is a lot of problems going on in the World. The Hunan bank owner embezzled the funds and a lot of people there don't have their bank accounts anymore. That's a run on the bank and that happened in the United States in 1929. Now there is depositors insurance which banks themselves pay for. The Hunan bank never heard of depositors insurance or probably didn't care about it. I don't think that anything good will happen to the bank manager. Even if he changes his name, changes his hairstyle, does some minor facial surgery, grows a mustache or else shaves his mustache, and moves to another country, he will probably be found and the situation will be 'handled'.

Sri Lankas government has totally collapsed. Food shortages, riots, cancelled student exams and 130% inflation. Sri Lanka was once known during the 80s for the Tamil Tigers terrorist group. But now the World is sympathizing with their plight. There have always been problems in the World. In the 80s, Ethiopia had famines but today, they're doing better than they were. In the 80s there was an iron curtain and Communist dictatorship in much of Eastern Europe. Now Eastern Europe is doing better and is part of the EU under the Maastricht Treaty. There are lots of gentrified neighborhoods and yuppie shops in Eastern Europe and there is much tourism. If I had money, I'd travel to Poland. But I need lots of money. I'd need about $50,000 to go on a European tour including a few days in London and a few days in Poland. London is such a large city that it might swallow me up and I'd never make it back to the airport. I thought that about Bangkok when I went there but I was always able to make it back to the airport. Poland his very particular about its demographic. There are 90% Native Polish people living in Poland. I don't know if I could ever move there, I could only visit there. Poland is 90% White people and they are not known for having a lot of ethnic people there. I wonder why I'm learning Polish although every Polish person I met was very friendly. 

In Poland, the demarcation for washrooms is different. A triangle represents men's washrooms while a circle represents women's washrooms. 

As for inflation, there was an inflation in the early 70s of gasoline prices due to the OPEC embargo. But society adjusted. Huge cars or 'tanks' were phased out and smaller cars replaced that. There is an inflation in food prices but there are ways around that. Food lines are the cheapest since food is free there. The Catholic Church runs a lot of food lines and the Vatican seems to be immune to inflation and economic crisis. Even during the Great Depression, there were also Catholic run soup lines and food lines. 

Dollarama is the next cheapest place to get food. Food that is sold for $4 elsewhere is sold for $1 at Dollarama. And Walmart is the next cheapest place after that for food. 

The food prices in Vancouver is cheaper on average than it is in Victoria. Vancouver has a lot of competition and a lot of inventory that's gotta move. 

Sunrise market is cheap. Romaine lettuce that is $4 each elsewhere is 2 for $1 at Sunrise. And Sunrise has boxes that are sitting in the alley full of loose lettuce leaves for free. The French know how to cook food from leftover food inventory like that. 

Sunday, July 17, 2022

If I quit smoking, it would cut down the fear in my life at least 25% or more. I hope that God gives me the will and vision to quit smoking. Me as a child would tell my present self to quit smoking, that I don't need cigarettes. 

I don't see that great of a future for myself. My future will only be mediocre as far as I can see. Even if I moved to a better place I would still have uncertainty about the future. 

I went to Church twice today. Other than that, nothing much happened. I felt bliss listening to some 80s songs while watching a YouTube video about a 4K walking tour of UBC from Vee's Travels. UBC is heaven. The place has University vibes. I learned a Polish phrase. Miesczam blisko universytat meaning I live near a University. I hope I get to live near UBC one day but I doubt it will ever happen. Life grants some wishes and not others. I don't know if my future will be worth living. Old age could be a blast. Life could save the best for last. Or it could not. Debbie Hellion said in her video posted today, "I don't want to love to 81 in this shitshow neighbourhood. I could go at any time." I've felt that before. I was willing to give up on life at one time. I leave my life in God's hands. Sometimes I felt that I should have died years ago. If I'm going to wind up as a music geek and waking up scared every morning and smoking tobacco all the time, I might as well have died years ago. I'm baffled that I'm still alive. 

YouTube has been wonderful to me today. YouTube recommendations recommended me two songs. 

1. Tower Of Power - You're Still A Young Man. 1972

2. THEY - Comfortable. 2022

Comfortable appeared as an ad. I installed Shazam the song identifier app and used the app while the song was playing. 

And one of my comments got 5 likes which is surprising because I thought I was shadow banned for some reason. Apparently not. Once I saw one of my comments get 67 likes. That was awhile ago. It could be more now. 

Tuesday, July 19, 2022

I went to the beach today. It was nice. I went to the supermarket to get a piece of fish. At the Supermarket, the Lady Gaga song, "I'm on the right track baby" was on. That was a reassuring sign. Thank God for the gift of life. 

The afterlife will have no Walkman and headphones and music. But the Walkman and music is only a means to an end and that end is bliss. However the afterlife is supposed to have about a hundred times that amount of bliss without needing a Walkman or music. That's the ideal. But is it the reality? Is heaven real or is Church just BSing us? Is Church just an industry that takes advantage of people's deepest fears and extracts money from people just to make a comfortable living for themselves while themselves actually doubting that heaven is real? I've heard stories of priests getting drunk and then saying "Religion is BS." The afterlife is just as random and chaotic as this life. There is no purity anywhere in the multidimensional universe. Then why am I existing? My mother should have never given me birth. Besides I wasted my life. If I had been successful in life, that would be one thing. Me completely having wasted my life in a morass of unsuccessful Ness is another. I wish my mother had never given me birth. It turns out that she wasted her time and energy. I wish I could use a time machine to go back in time and send her a lot of money thus changing the chain of events for her and possibly preventing my birth. 

I need a sign about my mother. I wish I could see a sign about my mother so that I know that she knows that I wish that she had never given me birth. 

I need organized religion to know that I greatly doubt the existence of heaven. I try to be a good person not so I could get into heaven because I doubt that heaven exists. I try to be a good person for its own sake. It's the sensible thing to do. What. Am I going to try to be a bad person? I doubt that! That's not an experiment that I want to try. 

Be a good person and see if it brings good karma or not. That's a good experiment to try. 

Be a bad person and see if it brings bad karma or not. That's not an experiment that I would try! 

Anyways, I don't believe in heaven. I believe in God but that God is a God of manicheanism. That God dispenses both good and evil, that God created a Universe of order and disorder. Just because. God is a capricious God. 

Going to UBC and walking around listening to music on my headphones and maybe dancing is my best way to experience UBC. 

But that's the dilettante way to experience UBC. 

What UBC is really about is boatloads of homework, getting into $100,000 or more of student loan debts and then not being able to get a job let alone a house because of studying useless course like cultural studies, art history and English literature. It was different up to the 60s and 70s. Anyone who graduated at UBC was virtually guaranteed a job and a house. A detached house, not a shoebox condo. Of course in those days there was no such thing as Google searching, you had to ask a friend for advice or go to the library to find a book. There wasn't any VCRs so if you missed a television show, that's it. You had to wait months to see a rerun. There were no cell phones but unlike now there were lots of payphones. Owning a house isn't all its cracked up to be. One was just overwhelmed with roomfuls of things. Rooms to keep clean. Living in a one room apartment in a rooming house and having just one room full of things is overwhelming let alone a house with many rooms full of things, trinkets, knick knacks, things you have but never ever use but for some strange sentimental reason that exists only in your mind, you can't part with it either. Music was best in the 70s and 80s. Before that and after that, music was and is awful. The 70s and 80s was the golden age of music in all worlds history. The best music is from the States. Canada second after that. Music from England is pretty good too. Just as good as Canada. Anywhere else in the World, basically forget it. Japan and Germany have a handful of hits but that's it. 

Music from other parts of the World isn't worth listening to. 

I'll be single for life. Women are trouble. 

I'm sure women think that and even more so about men. Men are naturally given to anger and violence and men get women pregnant which would be a whole boatload of health anxiety for any woman once she Googles horror stories about pregnancies gone wrong. 

I don't think that love will ever find me again. For lots of people, love never found them. I'm ready to give up on life. I probably only have 20 years left to go, give or take a few years then I will have to find out what the afterlife has, if there is an afterlife. I don't believe there is a heaven. Things aren't as cut and dried as that. Heaven seems like a simplified answer. A reality without problems and challenges such as heaven is a reality where the mind stops growing and developing. Bliss is only measured and offset with depression. Since there is no depression in heaven, how would we know the value of bliss in heaven?

YouTube comment: Remember, a good marriage is an excellent thing but a bad marriage will destroy you. 

If there is a heaven to live the stressful and strife ridden life when we could instead just shortcut to heaven makes life a waste of time and pointless. 

If a person was only go to go hell after they die, then all their efforts in life wind up to only lead them to hell makes life a waste of time and pointless. Either way life is a waste of time and pointless. Since I don't see the World getting better and since I don't think that I'll find love ever again since women are trouble, however I won't sign up for Trudeau's euthanasia program next year. Suicide booth. Futurama. Real estate prices will only get more expensive making it impossible for me to move to live near UBC. Therefore there's no point in living. My future will be a dismal one.  Just live a boring dismal hopeless future. I'm not smart enough and lack the knowledge to find better accommodations for myself. 

I am going to stay alive for Heather. I won't sign up for Trudeau's euthanization program. Heather is one of the few reasons I will stay alive. Other than that, I don't know what I'm staying alive for. 

I've never heard of heaven having Walkmans and headphones. If so, how heavenly is heaven really without headphones. Does heaven have televisions? Probably not. If so would spirits who died centuries ago get to watch television in heaven? Since that technology didn't exist when they were alive, how would they be able to relate to it? Would there be internet in heaven? But given that the internet is full of spurious negative trash and BS conspiracy theories, I doubt the merit of having the internet available in heaven. Then if the internet in heaven only had good news stories, it would be a selective sanitized version of the internet and what's the difference between that and the great firewall of China where they get a selective abbreviated truncated version of the internet? Of course a lot of people in China use selective ISPs and VPNs to get around that. 

Television has programs that reflect people living in a reality with a different set of physics than people in heaven live with. Television reflects people living in a set of physics where there is no teleporting except through telephones and live television feeds, a set of physics where they get hungry and have to eat, get tired and have to sleep, need to keep warm when it's cold and need to keep cool when it's hot. None of that is an issue in heaven so the people in heaven would feel that such programming is irrelevant. It is said that those friends and relatives who died before us watch over us while they're in heaven. If that have to see what we're doing and what we're up to and what the World we're living in is like at its worst, how heavenly would that be for them exactly? The answer is, not very. Therefore I doubt that heaven exists. 

When we dream, we go to another dimension or else why would the architecture and places be so well planned? Why do we see people we know or once knew and why are they so specifically dressed? As for the architecture, could it be a pastiche of places visited and registered on the subconscious if not the conscious? A lot of places gone to in dreams, the architecture resembles no place ever visited or even seen on a television show. I don't know if there is a heaven or not. Maybe religion is bullshitting us. I doubt that there is a heaven. The afterlife will be a chamber of horrors. If dreams are anything to go on. Life rips us off. I did a lot of work on the internet and I never got paid fairly for it. Therefore my mother should never have given me birth. Life was a waste of time for me and for her. I should have gotten at least a million then I could go and live near UBC. But if YouTube and blogger paid me a million, that brings a lot of issues. Getting paid a million would mean that I owe taxes on that. Moving to a new place means giving up on all the friends I have in this town. Moving to any new place guarantees that I'll run into any assholes and delinquents in the next town and every town is guaranteed to have a few. Guaranteed. A million dollars would only help so much. In the old days if you had a million dollars, you could own a few houses. Today, you can't get even one. Who cares? I don't want to own. I only want to rent. The real estate prices are so ridiculous that rental prices for a house is probably $10,000 a month or more if it's a nice place near UBC. Therefore I often think of just giving up on life. Like Debbie Hellion said, I'm ready to go at any time. I won't kill myself but if God kills me, what can I do about that? I often think of just giving up on life. Life is hopeless. There's no way to win in life so what's the point. If I ever see my mother again, I will tell her that she should have never given birth to me. She would have been better off doing something else. 

Wednesday, July 20, 2022

Went to Walmart. On the way back, I rescued an insect off the bus window and brought it outside and set it free. It would have died if it stayed on the bus. The insect has such a primitive brain that it didn't seem to have any panic attacks about that reality. It was a pretty green and very small insect with wings. I would do that for a ladybug as well. I made sure to set the insect free at a shady place near a tree as it was very hot that day. 

Then I walked around and visited the Royal BC museum. My annual pass expires at the end of the month. Since the museum is at such a weird transition phase, they won't be issuing any new annual passes for the foreseeable future. The Musuem of Vancouver and the Maritime Museum of Vancouver has annual passes for $40 each. I think the annual pass for the Museum of Anthropology is also around $40. The annual pass for Miniature World is $60 which is pricey. The AP for the Centre of the Salish Sea is $40. The AP for the Vancouver Aquarium is about $80 perhaps even $85. Very pricey. 

The Royal BC Museum is going through a very bizarre phase. First it closes the 3rd floor which had a perfectly good but repetitive non changing display. Then it was announced the whole museum would be torn down and replaced and then those plans were cancelled. Such a weird time for the museum when it can't tell which end is up. 

Then I walked to St Anne's Academy. The offices of the Ministry of Advanced Education is there. I sometimes think that I'd like to study Humanities 101 which is a free course. But I'd much rather study that at UBC than UVIC. UBC is much better. UVIC is nice. But UBC is the major one, it's the real McCoy for me. My ultimate dream is to be able to live at a nice place near UBC one day. I don't know if that's realistic. Why should I have such an impossible dream? 

Thursday, July 21, 2022

Woke up with slight fear as ever. Every day is a hamster wheel. My life is like the movie Groundhog Day. A video on YouTube did the calculation for Groundhog Day. Groundhog Day lasted at least 12 years for Bill Murray's character. It could have been more than that. 

Today, go to the beach, shop for vegetables. Other than that, another repetitive boring day in the fishbowl existence hamster wheel of life in a typical small town. 

There are fishbowl existences and there are fishbowl existences. Some towns are really boring backwaters with barely any infrastructure. At least this town has the coast, beaches, the sea, boat marinas to look at. It's a dynamic infrastructure town. 

I went to the James Bay Inn for a clubhouse sandwich with fries. Then I went to the beach and sat there and looked at the mountains across the sea for about 20 minutes. The beach I go to may be better than the beach in Vancouver. Those mountains are the USA. Years ago my friend went with one of his friends on a boat across the sea where the US mountains are. They were thinking of stopping at the shore for awhile but some border patrol guards were looking at them with binoculars. So they of course decided against it. 

I'm thinking of seeing the movie Nope. It's about cowboys on a ranch seeing a UFO. I like UFOs. I've had about three dreams of UFOs and aliens like close encounters. However I've dreamed of people and places that I have no possibility of encountering. Dreams are weird. Are they visits to another dimension or just pissings of the subconscious mind? Who knows? Science is either to primitive or has not been exactly forthcoming with what they know. Nope has had good reviews. For some reason the Grace Randolph review of Nope will not play on my blu ray player YouTube. The screen is just black and it says loading. It plays every other YouTube video good though. Life is weird. 

Why do I have to get old? If I died years ago I would have gotten life as well as. Death over with. Now I have to face growing old. I think my old age will be dismal like the rest of my life was. Why doesn't God just end my life and we'll just call it "even". What's on the other side? I suspect it will be a turgid nebulous morass just like life itself is. Nothing changes on the other side. The afterlife will be just as stressful and chaotic as life is. No more and no less. That's the only kind of existence that this cruddy defective entropy ridden Universe is capable of generating. Youth is the bomb. Old age is the shit times. What's. The point of going through with it if it can be avoided. The Japanese writer Yukio Mishima did himself in to avoid the hassle and the emotional and physical duress of old age. He used a very painful method which if he did it that way, he might as well have gone through with actual old age which though painful, wouldn't be as painful as as hiri kiri. A much less painful method is heroin overdose. As tempting as it might seem, I wouldn't advise anyone including myself to commit suicide. God wants us to live. What is God? God is the sum energy of all the Universe and of all of Dr Strange multiverses too and God is everywhere because God can be. God has the capability to be everywhere. As intelligence exists in all species, even in plants and animals as well as human, intelligence also exists in a unified grand macrocosmic cosmic level. That God wants us to live. Even the aliens depicted in the movie Nope wants us to live and to not kill ourselves. There is a grand cosmic plan or schedule and that means we have to live to complete our mission in life, a mission of which the extent of only God understands. So don't commit suicide. 

Maybe within each atom is a Universe. Each atom has so many trillions of Planck lengths. Maybe a Planck length isn't the smallest unit. Maybe one day science or quantum computers will discover something even smaller than a  Planck length. 

Other videos don't play on my blu-ray player YouTube. I either have to get a connector wire going from a wireless to a wired connection or else get a new blu ray player. Troubleshooting. 

The Grace Randolph review of Nope is working now on my blu-ray player YouTube! Often, when electronics don't work, it could be a death omen. Someone I know or know of has died. 

Nope the movie. Are aliens real or not? Is aliens a government secret? If aliens is a government secret, why are there so many alien movies and why are the aliens and UFOs so specific looking in the movies. Is Area 51 real or not? We're aliens discovered there in 1947? In the movie Paul, the alien said that the government has been drip feeding people information about aliens in movies so that one day when they are revealed, people don't get into a major massive panic attack. The Brookings Institute is responsible for this slow dissemination of information before Disclosure Day happens. YouTube videos talk about all of this. For me, the jury is still out. I still don't know if aliens are real or imagination. Do Universities know if aliens are real or not? 

If aliens were disclosed, I would have a panic attack. If aliens have such technology, they could destroy the Earth at any time. But Andrea Perron said if aliens wanted to destroy us, they would have done it long ago. Paul Hellyer said that aliens have been visiting the Earth for thousands of years. Aliens aren't as compassionate as angels. Aliens have a stern military edge to them. But aliens are mostly loving because they are very spiritually advanced. They are intellectually advanced as well. So much so that humans looking at aliens is like chickens peering through a chicken coop at farmers. 

Friday, July 22, 2022

I woke up in fear and boredom. Fears of my own crazy mind, fears of a dismal future and deciding where to go on a walk. Nowhere that I haven't before I guess. 

I went on a walk. I walked to Beacon Hill Park. At the entrance of a trail on a street, there is a huge rock. That rock, it is said, is where the Beacon Hill Park doppleganger of a young lady who died near there somehow. Terra and Hailee did a video of the Beacon Hill banshee which I am skeptical of. I've been walking to Beacon Hill Park for 11 years and I never saw anything paranormal there. Terra and Hailee can go there on just any random night and expect to find something paranormal? I doubt it. 

I then walked to Craigdarroch Castle. I used the shortcut, the stairs next to the orange house for the first time. At the top of the stairs at the grounds of the Castle, I saw a young lady wearing a UBC grey hoody sweatshirt. What a great thing to see. I said to her, "UBC is one of my most favourite places in the world if not the most favourite place." She simply said, "I don't attend. This shirt belongs to my friend." 

When I was there, I listened to the song 'World's Famous' from The World's Famous Supreme Team. The World's Famous Supreme Team has the very best piano music accompanyments that I have heard on any music ever. Hearing the piano on their songs makes me think of the gold piano in Buckingham Palace which every Monarch since Queen Victoria has played. The WFST songs with great piano accompanyments are, 'World's Famous', 'Hey DJ', and 'Do You Like Scratching'. 

The song, World's Famous mixed with looking at some of the houses next to Craigdarroch Castle particularly the orange house had given me a good feeling of joy. I'd like to live at that orange house but that's one of quite a few places I'd like to live at. That orange house is a boarding house or a set of accommodations. It's really difficult and really expensive to live there I'm guessing. I doubt I would ever live at any really nice place like that. Which is why I sometimes wonder what the point of living is. If I'll never get to live at a really nice place, what's the point of living? 

The Craigmyle Hotel. The orange house next to Craigdarroch Castle. This house gives a good feeling when looked at. 

Saturday, July 23, 2022

Another wake up and another morning spent in fear. What were the chances of that? Weird dreams. 

It's a vicious cycle. Stress brings the scary dreams and scary dreams bring the stress. 

I fear myself most of all. I can escape people and places but I can not escape myself. 

I fear that I can't quit smoking tobacco. I fear that my room is messy and I haven't been able to clean it although I always try to. My room will be perfect when it's a zen minimalist room. 

I fear the afterlife. The principle of yin and yang persists in the afterlife so there is no heaven. At best the afterlife will be semi heavenly and semi chaotic. 

Before I was merely depressed. Now I'm depressed and afraid. But being anxious and afraid, too afraid to do things can help one to save money. But having a lot of money is one thing and being too afraid to spend it is another thing. When someone has a lot of money, they think that they have to do things that people who are broke don't have to think about. Going to a restaurant and spending a lot of money on food is scary. Food should be good and it should be cheap. Food that is not good but cheap is scary. Food that is good but expensive is scary. And traveling is another thing that people with money think that they have to do but traveling is scary. That's why I don't ever want to be a millionaire. Not that that's going to happen. 

Am I going to live scared throughout my old age? A lot of old people seem confident and brave. I might wind up being just a scared old man. I fear life but I also fear death as well. Existence is scary. I'm trapped in existence. Existence is a scary trap. I'm glad I never became a father and bring someone into this scary trap of existence. 

Old age. Save the best for last? More like save the worst for last. 

Old age is the great betrayer. Old age is also the great equalizer. Even billionaires have to one day face the attendant evils of old age. If old age is the great equalizer, so is youth. All people, rich or poor get to experience the carefree yet naive joys of youth before the hard reality and the grim facts set in. The only thing that keeps me holding on is faith in God. If one says bad things and blaspheme God, bad things will surely happen. Street people know this. That's why I always remember to thank God for the gift of life. That could be extended to, "Thank you God for the gift of life. God, I love you and I know that you love me too." Just because I don't know if heaven exists, that doesn't mean that heaven doesn't exist. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence. Religion, the Bible and near death experiences all have said that heaven exists. I often think that because I smoke tobacco and very occasionally Marijuana that I'm going to hell when I die. If not hell then purgatory aka the weird crazy dream world. Jesus said, it's not what goes into the mouth but what comes out of the mouth like bad words that make a person unholy or bad. I try to be good person. 

"Knowledge is limitless. The mind is limited. If you use the limited to pursue the limitless, you will lose." Chinese saying

God and heaven are limitless because they are infinite. The mind is limited because life is finite. If I use my limited mind to try to understand the unlimited nature of heaven and God, I won't be able to do it. 

When you sign on to Google it means to a great extent, Google owns whatever videos or writings you make on their platform. I wonder if Goodle is making books out of my blogs, this one and the dream blog and making lots of money off of it while I get nothing. Well, I do get the long term archiving and the notoriety of my writings and cartoons etc. Just as well. I am too afraid to be rich. Being rich means that I got to think of things that I  wouldn't if I were poor like traveling to Europe. I am too scared to be rich. Being rich means you must have courage and confidence although there are probably lots of scared rich people in the World. Batman is rich but he is also very courageous. He fights criminals. But Batman is a fictional character. The closest thing to Batman is a Police Officer who is rich. That person is rich and also courageous enough to apprehend criminals and also brave enough to travel to Europe and brave enough to eat at expensive restaurants. 

"You can get anything you want as long as you can prove that you don't need it." George Orwell

Today I went to get some Chinese fried noodles. 

Then I went with Heather to the hair salon. Afterwards we went to a grocery store. She got roast chicken. I questioned my own wisdom and got some roquefort blue cheese. The roquefort files. Roquefort is made with sheep's milk. That's unorthodox. Normal cheese is made with cows milk. The selling feature was a sticker of the flag of France. The cheese is made in France. I also got a wedge of Point Reyes blue cheese. Rey means King in Spanish. The Point Reyes blue cheese is made with cows milk. 

Well, I have spaghetti with mizithra at the Old Spaghetti Factory all the time and mizithra cheese is made with goats milk. Feta and Gouda is also made with goats milk. 

Then Heather and I went to 7-11. In Polish, 7-11 is siedem jedenascie. I got her and myself a Slurpee. She bought me and herself 2 slices of pizza each. 

I'm still learning Polish. I don't know why. I don't have too many Polish friends, maybe a couple. I don't plan on ever going to Poland due to my general anxiety disorder as well as poverty. And it's a language that only 3% of the World speaks. It's a difficult language to learn. Spelling too because it has a lot of accents and a slash across the l. Polish to me is a mystical language. That language reminds me of Bill Murray and Stripes for some weird reason. Minsk is mentioned in the movie Stripes. Minsk is the capital of Belarus. I think the languages of Polish and Belarus are somewhat similar. 

Roquefort cheese is really good. It's a regional cheese made only in the Roquefort sur Soulzon region. The cheese is aged at the Cambalou caves about 2 kilometres long and 300 metres across. It's made with penicillin roquefort which comes from moldy rye bread. 

Other regional foods are Stilton cheese and only three regions, Derbyshire, Leicestershire and Nottinghamshire or the Stilton region is the only place that can produce true Stilton cheese. 

And champagne only comes from the champagne region in France. 

Years ago I only had depression. Over this past year I had depression and anxiety and anxiety to a level I never had before. I wonder if I should have killed myself when I was only dealing with depression. Now the situation has gotten worse. Of course I have to go on living because that's the good thing to do. God doesn't want anyone to kill themself. 

I plan to see the movie Nope. People on the internet said it's the best movie of the year. But why would the government allow movies of aliens and UFOs to be made if aliens are a classified top secret or else if it's just misleading spurious imaginary fiction? The scariest thing about aliens is that aliens deflate humans ego, that humans are not the smartest creatures in the universe that there are creatures that are way smarter. Way smarter like maybe being able to teleport between one galaxy and another galaxy, not just between stars and planets within a galaxy. And not just the next door neighbour galaxy. What if it's a few galaxies over? That would be mind blowing! 

Hopping between stars within one galaxy is Kardashev 3. Hopping from a few galaxies over is Kardashev 4. 

I'm guessing that all alien species that visit Earth are from this galaxy. Grey aliens are from zeta reticuli and that's in the constellation of Orion which is in this galaxy. Other aliens such as J-rods or like the ones in the movie ET are perhaps from Plaeides, Antares or Aldebaraan. So the internet says. Maybe that's all just imaginary bullshit. Maybe there's no aliens at all. I'm so what well versed about aliens but I still wonder if it's real or just imagination. 

I doubt that any aliens visited this Earth from a few galaxies over. 

Source: The Sound That Will Change Your Brain In 10 Minutes. Video Advice. YouTube 

The video says that binaural beats at alpha waves which is 8 to 14 Hz is good for depression and addiction recovery. Beta waves at 4 to 8 Hz is good for memory and concentration. Delta waves 1 to 4 Hz is extremely useful for deep sleep and healing of the body. There are all kinds of binaural beat videos on YouTube for free. In the old days like the 80s, one had to pay quite a bit of money for binaural beats. 

Prospectively, every day is full of depression and boredom and anxiety. Retrospectively when I look back on these times, they will be the good old days. 

"These are the good old days." Joni Mitchell

"Life is lived through going forward. Life is learned from through looking back." Joyce Meyer

Sunday, July 24, 2022

Sure, fear. But it's the same fears over and over again. After some time you get desensitized to it. 

Old age isn't scary. It's just basically the same thing over and over again. It's only scary in the last few weeks of life and maybe not even then. 

Smoking tobacco. Some get cancer just looking at a cigarette so to speak while others smoke and live into their 90s. It's better to quit if you can. 

Today I went to Church twice. 

I'm often giggling in Church. I haven't giggled like this since I was in grade 5 and was sometimes reprimanded for giggling so much. My father said that a silly person is someone who is seen to be giggling for no reason. Joker giggled whenever he got nervous. I giggle when I think of the other churchgoers looking at me. Today I dropped the Church programmer pamphlet and said, "Oh my goodness!" as I was sitting with and near some pious looking people. In my mind, I thought, "What if I said, "Oh my fucking God!" instead?" Then I started giggling for a full five minutes and I couldn't stop. Giggling is a welcome change from the severe fear and anxiety and PTSD that I was going through months previously. Pastor Joel Osteen said that laughter has a healing and restorative power. The Bible said that there will be tears in the evening and laughter in the morning. Laughter is a good omen that something really good will happen sometime in the future. On the other hand, a flood of tears is an omen that something bad or sad will happen sometime in the future. 

Don't sweat the small stuff. I don't like to watch movies twice these days. Movies are a long time. Watching a movie I already seen gives me anxiety now. But I like to watch YouTube videos twice or more to hear something said again. Or worse, I like to read a good YouTube comment twice to see a really good comment again. Even if it akes me a long time to try and find the comment again. Today I wasted nearly two hours trying and failing to find a. YouTube comment that said, Keep your chin up....... better days ahead. I tried and just couldn't find it again. I got the gist of it. Why would I need to find it again?! 

On Friday, I tried for 45 minutes to find a YouTube video about a DJ spilling some beer on a record, wiping the spilled beer off of the record with a cloth, and then a caption, March 8, 1983 The Birth of Scratching. It was on a Hey DJ Rmx video. At least I found the video just so I could see that moment again. Unlike the comment which I was never able to and never will be able to again find the comment. Don't sweat the small stuff. Or else get an anxiety attack. 

Monday, July 25, 2022

Today, I went to the Museum. Then I stayed home all day as there is a heatwave and I don't want to get heatstroke. Or heat exhaustion. 

I spent most of the day feeling wrecked which is to be distinguished from getting wrecked because I didn't do any drugs. Nor would I. I feel like I've lost the will to live but live I must because God would want me to go on living. Life has lost its magic for me. Garfield the cat once said, "Do you ever have those days where you feel that you've lived it all, ate it all, and done it all?" Garfield didn't even feel like eating lasagna that day. I feel like that today. I don't feel like going out yet I don't really want to stay in. I don't feel like eating but I don't feel like starving either. I don't even feel like living but I can't snap my fingers and just magically die. I think the coronavirus vaccine of which I've had 3 jabs is a chemical lobotomy that will make a person go crazy and lose their mind after some time. Maybe this is a placebo effect. If a person reads enough conspiracy theory YouTube comments saying that the covid vaccine has adverse effects, a person can believe that and act on it such as yours truly. So many people got the covid vaccine and nothing seems to have happened to them. 

Curiously in every television ad about pharmaceuticals a voice quickly lists the side effects. Why do no side effects gets voiced or listed on commercials about the covid vaccine. I've never heard of that about any medication or vaccine before, including Shingrix and Gardasil vaccines which certainly list side effects. Every pharmaceutical invented has side effects yet its strange and sleazy that no side effects are mentioned about the covid vaccine such as, "Side effects include the risk of blood clots for some. Those with a history or risk of heart disease should consult their doctor. Other risks include risk of stroke, brain dementia and deterioration and risk of developing anxiety disorder. Consult your doctor." These are honest questions that anyone would ask about these regime issued vaccines. Oh, what's the use? No one reads my blog anyways. 

Anything that is coerced and pressured etc can not be for your good. It's been the job of governments for centuries if not millenia to control population growth, aka the Malthusian nightmare. I'm just waiting to see whether or not I'll be dead in the next couple of years from the fucking covid vaccine. Get a vaccine passport card or you can't see movies or go to restaurants let alone travel. Sleazy bullshit. Life is clearly getting worse. I often think of wishing that I could just die as life isn't worth living anymore. Not suicide, yet I wish that God could just kill me. Let me just die in my sleep. 

Let's face it, I've been struggling with depression and the will to live for decades. Maybe Trudeau's euthanization program for the mentally ill will euthanize me because of this. My life never really worked out anyways. Maybe I should have died years ago. I have no hope for the future. 

There are some interesting videos from TheTekkitRealm on YouTube. Some videos about scam baiting and prank texts to celebrities. Then another channel called Internet Anarchist revealed that TheTekkitRealm's videos are mostly fake. It wouldn't stop me from watching TTR's videos, fake or not, they're still entertaining. I would never send TTR a comment saying his videos are fake. Internet Anarchist is just trying to call out the truth but this truth ruins and spoils TTR's reputation. As someone who had his reputation spoiled by other jealous people on the internet, I can sympathize with TTR. I wish TTR as well as Internet Anarchist the best. I subscribed to each of them and wish them all good things in life. 

YouTube sounds a lot better on headphones. One doesn't just feel like the band is playing in front of them, it sounds like the listener is in the middle amongst the band while the band is playing. Maybe YouTube reverse engineered the sound circuitry from the Sony NW-WM1A and made it part of the standard YouTube audio output. As time goes on, technology becomes cheaper and YouTube could certainly afford a $1,500 Walkman and hook it up to its audio output amplifier. That's what reviews said about the Sony NW-WM1A, that it sounds like you're in the middle of the band while the band is playing. I saw a YouTube generated pop up on a Civil War virtual reality video, that the sound was going to be immersive and different. 

Tuesday, July 26, 2022

The World is getting worse. It'd be one thing if it was staying the same. Rising food prices, rising real estate prices on one hand, more tent cities and delinquent people on the streets on the other hand. Life isn't worth living. All the magic of life has gone. If I had some heroin I'd end my life. I don't want to go on living. What would I be living for? What is so good in my life? It sucks to be me. I've given up on life and I wish that my life would end. Even living for Heather means more work. She'll be crippled for a long time if not for life and she always asks me to work, that is, pushing her in the wheelchair. I see no happy ending. No ride into a golden sunset. Just a life that's steadily getting worse. I've. Given up on life. I wish my life could end so that the pain could end. Fuck life altogether. I've given up on life. It's just the same old boring repetitive shit over and over again. Life isn't a gift. It's a curse that's getting worse and worse. I wish I knew how to end my life with a heroin overdose in terms of dosage. I've given up. I give up on life. Debbie Hellion said she thought of suicide lots of times. I feel the same way about life. What's the point of living a life that just gets worse all the time? God has cursed me with life. I envy the dead. At least they got it over with. If there was a God, He'd understand and end my life. Life will never get better. And now we have an awful heatwave. Life is just not worth living. 

I tried but I just can't get over the fact that I'd be better off dead. 

If life was getting better or even stayed at a certain point no worse no better, that'd be one thing. I'd be an idiot to want to end my life is life was getting better. That life is always getting worse makes me not want to go on living. I wish I had enough heroin to end my life. 

What else do I have to live for? Old age? Old age is the shit times anyways. My best days are over and they were never really all that great. I should have died years ago. I wish I had. Lots of people never got to live to be my age. What's one more? 

"I've never felt so low. Never in all my puff." Trainspotting

I have to snap out of this depression and just be happy. If I could send a message to my past self of all last year I would say don't waste your time in fear. All your worries such as worrying that I'd have to help Heather 7 days a week for years, wrong, she moved into a nice apartment. I worried that I'd be dead in less than a year last year on July 1st 2022. Wrong. I'm still alive. On July 1st of last year I thought that I would have an awful future. Wrong. I had a chance to visit The James Bay Inn, I went to the movie theaters in Sidney BC and I went to Vancouver, I visited the aviation museum, I got Bose speakers and a new leather chair to replayed my intensely frayed old chair. I could've visited the "prostitute palace" with my friend but I turned that down. It's a $100 per fuck and that goes fast. 

"Making love is like sifting through sand

Ooh, Jackie it slips through your hand"

Jackie Blue, Ozark Mountain Daredevils

A prostitute isn't true love. Sex is like a sport that requires skill like tennis or golf and I'm not that skillful at sex. I wouldn't want to get any lady pregnant and be on the hook for child support and I wouldn't want to get any sexual diseases. 

With a prostitute, if she gets pregnant, it's her problem, if you get a disease it's your problem. With a wife, if she gets pregnant it's your problem, if she gets a disease it's her problem if you've been faithful, if you get certain sexual diseases from her it means who's she been sleeping with? That's grounds for divorce. Maybe I could get a hand job at the prostitute palace. 

I saw the movie Nope. It wasn't a quasi documentary about aliens which is what I more or less expected. There was no discussion or philosophy about aliens or else very little. Jordan Peele is a director with a certain arthouse pacing like Terence Malick or else Tim Burton. One just has to be used to his pacing. Nope is about a vacuum cleaner UFO that sucks people and animals up and eats them. The movie was OK but I could have done without it. Elvis was a better movie. Nope is a B movie horror flick. That being said, I need to get a Gordy the chimp action figure. Gordy the chimp wants to give young Jupe a fistbump. Presuming that Jupe is 35 years old, fistbump a weren't a thing when Jupe was ten in 1997 as far as I know. The first time I heard of or gotten a fistbump was in 2007 in Dawson Creek BC. On YouTube, there is a video called Gordy's Home which is the opening credits of the TV show that Gordy the chimp was on. 

Last night I had a dream where quite a few Police Officers appeared at the end of a parade on Granville Street, first some mounted Police Officers on horses then a foot patrol. This could be an omen of me seeing the Jordan Peele movie today as the name Peele is also the name of Robert Peel who created the modern form of the Police in London back in the 1840s. 

Nope talked about getting the Oprah shot. The survivor of the Gordy's Home attack Mary Jo was sitting in the stands with a veil over her face. Oprah interviewed a woman who got mauled by a chimp wearing a similar veil. That was the Oprah shot. It's a horrifying interview. The woman's face looks profoundly disfigured and her hands have been bitten off too. And I thought I had health anxiety problems. 

The UFO was actually the alien itself as the UFO is a creature. If so how could a creature move from star system to star system? The Purrgils in Star Wars Rebels can move through hyperspace. The UFO creature in the movie Nope has that same ability. Let's face it. All this is ersatz bullshit. These are fictional characters just like Sherlock Holmes is a fictional character. There's no such thing as anything, machine or organic creature that can travel into hyperspace. 

The current heatwave is just terrible. There are only a few weeks in the year where the weather is absolutely perfect here. At other times it's either way too hot or way too cold. Even when the weather is perfect I still go through anxiety and depression.  I just hate weatwaves. 

These last few months for some damned reason, I just can't sleep before 3 am. Or at any rate before 2 am. My ideal sleeping time is between 10pm and 12am. 

Live each day as it might be your last because one day it will be, as the old saying goes. I don't know how long I will live but chances are, 6 months later I will look back on the worries and anxieties of today and if I could send a message to my past me of 6 months ago, I'd say, Don't worry so much, it's all going to turn out all right. You'll make it. 

Wednesday, July 27, 2022

I don't know that I'll live to 80 or even to 75. But I will probably most likely be alive a year from now. The me a year from now would say, "Don't worry so much and don't be afraid. Fear is a waste of time. You've made it a year later and most day to day fears and anxieties you had are either resolved in time or else irrelevant." That's what the me of now would say to myself to the me of the past year. Last year I thought I'd be dead in a year. Heck at times I thought I'd be dead in less than two weeks. All those conspiracy theories saying that the covid vaccine would kill us in two years. The last covid jab I got was in February 2022. Let's see if I live to February 2024. 

I unplug my modem aka modulator demodulator every night or else it heats up. That modem gets hot especially in the summertime. I'm getting a new wire to hook my modem up to my Blu ray player. Lately some videos just wouldn't play on my Sony BDPS-6700 blu ray player, there is just a black screen and the word loading is on it but the video just doesn't play. I never had this problem until a few days ago. I have a second and newer Sony blu ray player, same model, that I seldom use and it does the same thing. My tablets plays YouTube videos well all the time. They're running on all 12 cylinders. I think a wired connection is more secure and stable. Wireless diffused and refracts a lot of the signals, I think. 

I went to London Drugs and got a 15 foot telephone connector wire for $32 which was pricey and a minor financial wipeout for me. Got home, connected and some YouTube videos still didn't work like before. Rats. Then a YouTube video from AT said to go into settings and reset to factory settings. It still didn't work. Then a video from TJ Singh said to go into settings and reset to factory settings and then initialize personal information. That did it. Even the video time length font on the corner of video thumbnails looks different. So I know that did something. 

Nope. Some YT videos still wouldn't play. Just a plack screen with the word "loading..." on it that just freezes and goes on forever. 

The only other thing is I could get a 4K Roku media player for $49. What, am I Elon Musk? I can't afford to just fling about $49 willy nilly! Well it seems to working all right now. We'll, YouTube might not work on Roku devices. There were disagreements and arguments between Google and Roku. One might be able to subscribe to YouTube TV on Roku for $70 a month. Forget it! Don't get a Sony Blu Ray player for YouTube as it doesn't fully work. 

Roku does have a free version of YouTube option. 

I tried again. After doing the factory reset and initialize personal information, again, I signed into YouTube not from TV but using the from your phone option, then I clicked try another way. Then I went to yt.be/activate and entered the code. Now all videos on YouTube seem to be working. 

I visited sweet Heather today. I love her so much. I feel loved every time I visit her. She is my sweetness. I have always and will always love Heather. 

Then afterwards I walked to Craigdarroch Castle. Otherwise, what, spend all day in my apartment? I'd get cabin fever. I need to get the courage to travel and get the courage to smoke weed again now that I've resolved my fears and anxieties through the ironclad advice I've given to myself which is the me of now would tell the me of 6 months ago not to worry so much and the men of 6 months later would tell the me of now not to worry so much. Even if the me of 6 months later dies then I would say, "Don't spend your last days worrying. You will make it through one way or another. Even dying won't be as bad as you think and the afterlife won't be as bad as you think. In fact, the afterlife is a blast!"

The last time I saw Suzie was on June 14, 2022. That's 6 weeks and a day now. I don't care if I never see Suzie ever again although I will always wish her the best. The terms of the friendship are awful. Line up for 15 minutes to see her for all of two minutes. That's all I get. Then afterwards I volunteer myself to walk her to her car where all I get are 3 minutes. Then she drives away in her BMW M series with me standing on the curb. Week after week. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore. It's just a tease. A taste of honey is worse than none at all. I talked to Heather about this. She said it was emotional abuse. I asked Heather if I was stupid or wasted my time walking with Suzie. Heather said, No. I asked why. Heather said, "Because you cared." I haven't seen Suzie for awhile and I feel good. I should stick this out for a few years. I'll feel better. 

With any luck, I'll never see Suzie ever again. I try to avoid Suzie now. That's life. 

Dammit. Wasted life. I spent two hours trying to find the tweezers that are too big for my nose. I paid $35 for it so I wouldn't have thrown it away. I even prayed to St Anthony to help me find them but I couldn't find them. I put the tweezers back into the white plastic pack that it came in. I wouldn't have put it anywhere else other than my table. It simply isn't there. It vanished. Sometimes things turn up after a few days. If I find them, I'll let you know. Other times I've lost things, blogged about it and then they were found again including my $6 tablet pen I bought at Walmart. I think that a ghost stole my tweezers. I'm not that fucked up that I would have thrown them away although I often go on a spree of cleaning my room. 

Ten minutes after writing the last sentence, I found my tweezers. They were in a small cardboard box on a wooden shelf. Blogging about lost things works. 

If I see Bullet Train, I have to see it in DBox. 

Thursday, July 28, 2022

I went to the beach today. I also saw a large cruise ship. Royal Caribbean vacations Ovation. 

Went home. After a blitz of YouTube videos not playing, one after another just a black screen with the word loading..... on it, I decided to get a Roku 4K Express player. The Roku express player doesn't use a telephone wire connector but you have to have a wireless modem or it just won't work. The old telephone wire only modem is useless with this. So I returned my $32 15 foot telephone wire to London Drugs with original packaging and receipt and got a refund. Then starting the Roku. Unlike the Sony blu ray player with built in YouTube, Roku asks you for your email to get an activation code. Annoying enough, but I did it. The Roku email was sent to the dangerous junk email box which is full of scammer emails. I opened the Roku email and it asked all kinds of questions, set up an account and create a password. Annoying as hell. Then Roku asks for a mandatory credit card or debit card numbers as payment information. Never enter your debit card or credit card information to anyone on the internet ever. I simply opted out and now I'm going to take the Roku 4K Express back to London Drugs tomorrow for a refund. I might watch some YouTube videos about how to get a Roku account without credit card. I watched a few videos about this but none of them were too clear. Perhaps I'm losing focus. I did a lot today and the weather is annual heatwave. That can really fry you. Don't get a Roku. No wonder Roku stock is losing money. Get a PC a connect the PC to your television or else use screen mirroring on the tablet to TV to get YouTube on the TV. Forget about Roku altogether. Caveat emptor on Roku.

Dont let me dissuade you. If you want to get a Roku streaming device, go for it. They are popular and lots have been sold. 

Friday, July 29, 2022

Visited Craigdarroch Castle today, in particular, The Craigmyle Hotel. That house gives me good feelings when I look at it. Psychometry. 

A YouTube channel I discovered today is The Why Files. The host has a pet talking goldfish named Hecklefish. So cute. So priceless. The first video of The Why Files is about a Catholic time machine called the Chronovisor which is a camera that can supposedly take a picture of any point in the past, present, and future. 

The Why Files. The X Files. The Y Files. 

Chronovisor is a weird word. The word chrono sounds a lot like the word corona and the word visor if you switch the r and the s sounds like the word virus. Word ladder: Chronovisor - - - - - > coronavisor - - - - - > coronavirus

The Why Files is an amazing channel. The channel talks about Ingo Swann who said there were hostile alien bases on the far side of the moon. The channel also talks about the Count of St Germain. Also a lot of other things. 

In their The evidence that we are living in a Simulation is everywhere. All you have to do is look. video, it talks about Unreal Engine 5 which is an extremely realistic computer game set up.

Most disturbingly, on their video called The Internet Is Dead, it talks about a drones called Kargu 2 from Turkey that analyzes human threats using AI without human input and these drones have killed a lot of people and these drones have killed people in the Ukraine War. Well, we never know which one of us is next. 

Well this will take awhile. In their Simulated Reality video, The Why Files talks about the double slit experiment. When electrons are fired through a double slit, the ejected electrons make multiple slits on a screen behaving as if they are waves. But if they are observed, the electrons act like particles and make only two slits on a screen. The video goes on to say even if light from distant galaxies are used and I don't know how they do it, what, light from distant galaxies, the same thing happens even if the observation machine was precisely timed to observe only after the electrons or else photons of light pass through the slits and also before the photons hit the screen to form whatever, double slits or multiple slits saying that the electrons had a decision making consciousness and went back in time to to before they went through the set of slits to behave as particles rather than waves to form two slits on the screen rather than multiple slits knowing they were observed. Einstein said that the passage of time is an illusion. Everything is happening simultaneously. Time is an algorithm or a dynamic or a modality. Time travel would be time experienced on an objective level and the way we go through time is time experienced on a subjective level. The objective level of time is the dynamic these photons are working with when they are being observed in the double slit experiment. I say would be rather than is because time travel for humans exists only in fantasy. People can not time travel anymore than they could sprout wings and fly. Stephen Hawking said that time travel is impossible otherwise we'd have hordes of tourists visiting us from the future. 

Saturday, July 30, 2022

Its 2:30 am as I write this. Another damned night where I can't sleep before sleep before 2 am, heck before midnight which is my ideal time to sleep. What were the chances of that? I wake up at 10 am now though and I have an afternoon nap regularly now. Months ago, I'd sleep at this time and wake up at 7:30 am to 8:30 am without afternoon naps when I used to get coffee every morning for Heather and when I'd be working to care for her 7 days a week. I'm sleeping better now. I don't regret any of it though, the working to care for her 7 days a week. I have always loved Heather and I always will. 

Should I take the melatonin pills I bought at the Dollarama? I fear taking new drugs I haven't tried before. What if I get addicted? 

The Palskinator on YouTube made a video. Crazy Glitch in the Matrix! Check This Out! In the video, she cuts a lemon, goes to get a baggie, puts the sliced lemon in the baggie when she discovers that lemon was uncut so she had to cut the lemon again. How did a cut lemon get uncut? 

This video appeared in my YouTube recommendations. YouTube gives the best recommendations including The Why Files Vatican chronovisor which I saw yesterday. 

Today I visited the museum as my annual pass expires tomorrow. 

I then visited my sweetness aka Heather. We went to 7-11 again. 

The rest of the day I spent at home. 

Now that I'm really healing from my burnout of last year music affects me more and in a good way. 

Me and Heather saw Heather's nurse at 7-11. I told her nurse, psychiatric nurse that I have fear every day and that last year it was worse as I had burnout and PTSD. The female nurse said PTSD is a lifelong incurable condition. So perhaps I don't have PTSD because I am getting better. My sex drive is slowly returning and I am slowly developing the courage to travel again. I am thinking of traveling to Vancouver again. I would travel to Vancouver a minimum of once a year, maximum of twice a year. UBC is the only place I'd visit in Vancouver yet there is so much more like the Seabus and the Vancouver Aquarium. 

Sunday, July 31, 2022

I woke up in fear again. The fear was from having to adjust from the culture and the pace of the dream world to that of the waking world. Plus I have so many things to think about. I went to Church in fear but when Church was over my fears subsided a little. There was a picnic after Church but I didn't stay long. I don't know why I go to Church. I'm not a religious nut or a nerd. Church is a place to go to. It's a spiritual place and makes Sundays special. 

I dread the future.