December 2022 - The Hon Minister Grace Lore, MLA

 Thursday, December 1, 2022

Thank God for the gift of life.

I went to the Library and returned some blu rays and a book. 

I visited Heather today. We went to Tim Horton's.

This afternoon, my sex anxiety is still there. Whenever I think of sex, I get a burning anxiety feeling in the stomach. I'm brain damaged. Damaged goods. I wonder if I'll ever heal.

I am apprehensive of the future. I don't think there is a good future for me. 

On YouTube, therapist Kati Morton said in a video, 4 Things Never To Tell Your Therapist, 1. Lies 2. Saying your problem is not as bad as it is. 3. Saying your problem is worse than it is. 4. This is working great! - when it isn't. 

I might have problem number 3. I think my mental problem is worse than it is. Hypochondria. 

Friday, December 2, 2022

The television, namely Steele and Vance and also The Mo Amir talk show talked about how Canada's MAID Medical Assistance In Dying will include the mentally ill and children and even infants who are handicapped. 

Suicide is already common and mental illness is usually a factor. Every 17 minutes, someone commits suicide in North America. 

There is actually a list of most suicidal countries in the World. The United States is at 38, Canada is ranked at 40 and Thailand is ranked at 56. Don't quote me on statistics as 75% of all statistics are bullshit. 

Switzerland already has a program called DIGNITAS and they had a suicide tourism program where people would travel over there and be euthanized. Switzerland already has a suicide program for people who had mental illness and in the early 2010s a 17 year old with severe suicidal mental illness was euthanized in Switzerland. However they review all cases and some cases are turned down and even reported to the Police. I was once years ago on a suicide kick and I emailed DIGNITAS in Switzerland. They turned me down. In all likelihood, they reported me to the Police although I can't be sure that they did or didn't. 

Actor Alain Delon wanted end his life through euthanasia but was denied in France.*

*source: Golden Years. Alain Delon Wants To End His Life

The News said that in Canada, some veterans with severe PTSD were talked into MAID which raised an outcry. As far as I know, these veterans were not euthanized. Someone who was deaf and someone who was homeless and had chemical allergies to any home offered was euthanized. 

Bender in Futurama was a robot in a suicide booth and that booth had quite a long line up. There might be a years long waiting list for this program as any applicants have to undergo a strict 90 day assessment. Even with the 2 week assessment that Ontario offers as a YouTube comment said, this program would still have a years long waiting list and many would be denied. They never said anything about euthanizing 100% of the people who apply. 

Usually, the cases of the mentally ill seeking euthanasia are cases of those who already made at least one serious previous attempt to commit suicide. 

It depends on the judge, as the old saying goes. Points on a curve. Some doctors would be extremely willing to do euthanasia. Others would be extremely hesitant. Most would fall somewhere in the middle. 

Trudeau is a Leftist and Leftists usually aren't nearly as hard core gung ho Bible Belt Christian as Right Wingers are. Leftists are often more usually New Age than they are Christian. New Age is anything goes. New Age is a mixture of a little bit of atheism here, a little bit of Christianity there and a little bit of Buddhism here and a little bit of old European paganism there. 

Left Wing or Liberal Canadian PMs want Canada to be like continental Europe. Right Wing or Conservative Canadian PMs want Canada to be like the United States and England. 

The NDP wants Canada to be like Russia. 

The NDP shares things in common with the Communist platform:

https://www.reddit.com/r/Calgary/comments/33ba87/i_keep_refering_to_the_ndp_as_communists_or/

I worry that I might be euthanized. But the chances are against it. I wouldn't go seeing a doctor or go to the hospital and say that I'm depressed and suicidal. I'd advise you not to do so either. 

I worry often. Two years ago, I thought I'd be dead of Covid 19 within one year. As you can see, I'm still alive. 

Nothing in politics is as good or as bad as it first appears. There's the letter of the Law and there's the spirit of the Law. On paper, something looks like one thing but in actual practice is another. 

The opposition could use this as political fodder against PM Trudeau and I wonder how long he will last in Political Office. Two weeks is a lifetime in politics. 

A few European countries have had this kind of thing for years yet a lot of people move to Europe every year. 

Australia, Belgium, Canada, Luxembourg, the Netherlands, New Zealand, Spain and Switzerland have legal voluntary euthanasia. 

Italy and Portugal have legal passive euthanasia. 

In Russia, all forms of euthanasia are illegal. 

These cases are triaged and psychiatrists and doctors see cases that most people couldn't even imagine. I might think you're crazy but I'm a tower of mental strength compared to some of the cases that doctors and psychiatrists have seen and are seeing. 

The only one I seek for my mental issues is God and the Lord Jesus Christ. Whether in the depths of anxiety and fear or in the heights of extreme happiness, I always remember to thank God for the gift of life. I currently smoke tobacco and would like to quit but I believe that God is helping me with that too."

Indiana Jones said in the Indiana Jones 5 Dial of Destiny trailer, " I've learned that it's not just what you believe but how hard you believe it." Or words to that effect. Believe in God. 

In Arizona they stopped executions from lethal injection after 3 botched lethal injections. There most likely are botched euthanasias too. Dr Jack Kevorkian did a televised euthanasia on 52 year old Thomas Youk who had Lou Gehrig's disease that was botched the first time and he had to do it a second time. This was shown televised live on 60 Minutes and after that, Dr Kevorkian was on the run as the Police issued a warrant for his arrest as his license to practice medicine had been revoked 8 years earlier. 

Strange that Canada does not have capital punishment and doesn't put people to death for minor drug possession like Singapore and Malaysia do but would have euthanasia for the mentally ill who are chronically and severely suicidal. As for drugs, Canada is for decriminalizing possession of up to 2.5 grams of heroin and or cocaine. Six of one is half a dozen of the other since the lethal dose of cocaine is 2 grams and the lethal dose of heroin is just under a gram. Anyone who does 2 grams of cocaine or 1 gram of heroin in one sitting is already euthanizing themselves. 

The Hemlock Society in the United States, no longer active was an organization that pushed for legal euthanasia and Derek Humphrey, writer of Final Exit was on the board of directors of the Hemlock Society. 

What Dr Jack Kevorkian faced legal prosecution and even went to prison for is something the government of Canada is now doing. 

It turns out that Dr Jack Kevorkian was on the right side of history now that the pernicious delinquent government has decided to try their hand at the euthanization business. Dr Kevorkian would be a doctor who fell on the point of the curve of being extremely willing to do euthanasia. Out of the 130 patients he euthanized, 60% of them didn't have a terminal illness and 13 of them weren't in pain. 

When the euthanasia law to euthanize mentally ill patients comes into effect in Canada in March 2023, the average Canadian doctors who would perform this would on average each euthanize way more than Kevorkian's 130 people. Kevorkian's himself was not euthanized and he died on June 3, 2011 of liver cancer. 

It comes down to the crooked table that is life. Any means of making money easily like insider trading, money laundering, running a lottery, opening a liquor store is something the government either wants to operate exclusively making it illegal for a normal person to operate it or else they will regulate the shit out of it. Government tobacco monopoly and government car insurance monopoly are examples of this. 

Euthanasia is apparently so popular that Switzerland has a suicide tourism industry in which a lot of people every year were willing to pay money to fly there and to pay $3,000 for the clinic's fees and business is booming. $3000 for a clinic's fees to get dispensed less than a $100 worth of chemicals. 

Running an abortion clinic and a euthanisation clinic is something you could train a monkey to do. It is a way to make a lot of money easily so naturally the government took it out of the public's hands and commandeered it especially for themselves.  Life is a defective asshole algorithm and although I wouldn't commit suicide, I don't blame anyone for wanting to do so. Whether the decision is to live or to commit suicide, either decision takes a lot of courage. Hopefully any person would not commit suicide. Stay alive. 

In Scandinavian countries, they used to put old people out on ice floes and gloat them away to die. 

One hand washes another. If a country would euthanize someone with mental illness, is that a country you'd want to live in anyways? If life includes countries that would euthanize even children and infants with disabilities like Canada would, is that a life you'd want to live in anyways? 

Instead, as an option, Canada should offer those who might otherwise be euthanized for mental illness an option to emigrate to another country which does not have euthanasia. I don't know if Canada would do that. The government political thug agenda is to tow the local line. That's why you can't move to another country and just stay there even if you're financially independent. You have to worry about visa runs and overstays and deportation. 

Canada will soon have voluntary euthanization as if Canada isn't a backwater enough. It needs to be even more of a backwater and all backwater countries think they're the center of the Universe. 

This is what you get from a government system that has a cabinet shuffle every two years. Who is once a Health Minister is later on a Finance Minister. What are the odds this person was ever a doctor or has ever run a successful business to the level of McDonald's or Amazon. There has to be a cabinet shuffle because some portfolios are more prestigious than others and advancement must be achieved and egos must be assuaged. That's how you get a system where politicians who were never doctors are Health Ministers and politicians who have never run a business or worked at a bank are Finance Ministers. I doubt the Fisheries Minister has ever worked on a fishing boat either. I can understand why some people would opt for euthanization. Life isn't really worth living that much. Seeing the way the World is becoming, I'm glad I never had any children. It wouldn't be a world worth living in. 

Governments are known for doing bullshit asshole things such as making marijuana illegal, making visa run and overstay laws as anyone should be able to move to another country at anytime and staying there indefinitely possibly for life if they want to and conscripting people to fight in sometimes questionable wars as the military is a for profit corporation whose aim is either to exploit and plunder resources or to install a puppet government and is otherwise a means for price fixing and artificial scarcity and also a front for a money laundering scam for large corporations and billionaires. 

Countries act like corporations in their profiteering agenda. Corporations act like cults in their strange rituals and in house lexicon and cults act like countries with their hierarchies and organization of power structure, some cults even refer to their founders or head of the cult as President. Countries act like corporations which act like cults which act like countries which act like corporations etc. 

This underscores that the incompetency and moral bankruptcy and opportunism of governments is evenly matched with that of the private sector business owners. Every week the CBC does a documentary about the sleazy internal practices of corporations. And governments and private sector businesses are evenly matched with the individual who have a tendency to be undisciplined and usually run themselves to the ground. What goes for the microcosm also goes for the macroscosm. 

It is ironic that euthanasia of mental patients would fall under the jurisdiction of the Ministry of Health. 

As the World clearly isn't worth living in, anyone who has children are either idiots, are egomanical or people who clearly haven't thought things through. Anyone who has children dooms them to a future of old age and death. Old age is the scariest and worst part of life. Old age is a terror and a horror. Old age is losing most of if not all of your teeth. Old age is the dregs of life as life seems to save the worst for last. 

The human species will end in less than 200 years 100% for sure and possibly less than 100 years. 

I sometimes wonder if euthanization is a good idea. My life is going nowhere. I don't see a good future for myself. There are no good options. There is no town I really want to live in. I just see a boring future for myself with more of the same. I have sex anxiety and also a slight food anxiety. I don't see myself getting married and marriage often isn't the solution at all but just taking on a different set of worries. I don't see myself living in a nice place or getting a BMW, so what's the point of living, really. The only thing I see for my future is old age and old age is the shit part of life. Your looks are gone, your health is compromised and there are all kinds of medical pains and issues such as losing teeth. Medical technology is improving. Sure, that's the ideal. The reality is, case in point, a lady named Fayra Krueger has cancer of the right ear. Her treatments were delayed due to a dysfunctional incompetent medical industry with a Health Minister who has never been a doctor at the helm to the point where she'll be losing part of her jaw, her hearing and sense of smell and taste and that's the optimistic prognosis. Pessimistic prognosis? Death. So much for the medical industry. And Fayra Krueger is a registered nurse who works in the medical industry which leaves me wondering how things would have turned out for her if she wasn't a registered nurse. 

Of course just as in the case with Covid where hospitals were subsidized $1,500 for each Covid patient, hospitals could be incentivized with government subsidies for each euthanasia case they facilitate. Dr Mike on YouTube explained that some covid cases cost $500 to treat, others cost over $2,000 to treat. $1,500 is a paid out average which cuts down on book keeping. These are not exact figures, but you get the idea. Euthanasia doctors could be referred to as government subsidized angels of death. 

The best idea is to move to another country as the issue isn't who you are or what you did but where you are. Things about you that are such an issue here are irrelevant in another country and vice versa. Things that are difficult to get in one country are easier to get in another country and vice versa. Moving from one country to another is to trade one set of advantages and disadvantages for another which is why there are no good towns to move to, therefore life isn't really worth living. 

If there was one town or one country where life is really good, then everybody in the world would live there and all other countries and towns would be nearly empty. The thing is, all towns and countries are where life is equally bad which is why the world's population is more or less evenly distributed. 

And you could also say that the PM has never been anything other than a career politician because that's what it takes to be a PM. And you could even extend that to say that Royalty has never been anything other than Royalty. Royalty meets and talks with PMs often. Ministers with portfolios often talk with people connected to their Ministry so they learn a lot for example, the Agriculture Minister often meets with many farmers. Government isn't just Ministers and politicians. Government is also the GEU or Government Employees Union and there are lots and lot of government employees handling different jobs with different expertise and skill sets. So it is a good system and there is nothing to worry about. 

The euthanization program is a Federal one, but the Health Ministries of  Provinces will each have their own approach to this just like during Covid when some Provinces completely locked down and other Provinces had few restrictions in comparison. For example BC is the only Province in Canada which still has a mandatory vaccination policy for all health care workers. The other Provinces in Canada have let that slide. 

All politicians are under the umbrella of accountability and due process. 

All problems wither under the glare of good government. 

"Government, even in it's best state, is but a necessary evil; in it's worst state, an intolerable one." Thomas Paine  from the movie Blacklight starring Liam Neeson 

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Today, I visited Heather and we went to the hair salon. Then we went to the Supermarket and then to London Drugs. 

In the afternoon, I walked to Craigdarroch Castle. 

Sometimes YouTube just drops something from heaven in the form of video recommendations. Last night, I got recommended the song 'For Someone Special' from The Doobie Brothers. It is a heavenly song. The song is from the album, Takin' It To The Streets.

During the day, I walked on the block where Suzie works on Friday but I made sure to avoid her. Then in the afternoon, strangely, I had a dream about her. It was a loving peaceful dream and the Paula Abdul song, 'Forever You Girl' was in the dream. I want to avoid Suzie because I don't like the terms and the setup of the friendship. I am happier without it. 

Nobody owes anyone a lifelong friendship. 

I still smoke tobacco and I feel like such an undisciplined reprobate addict because of that. I hope to quit one day. I have doubts that I ever will. However, if I ever quit, I will most likely tell you about it. 

Saturday, December 2, 2022

I still don't know if I believe that I'll go to heaven and or even if heaven exists. There can be God without heaven. God is the creative algorithm that creates a perpetually random and chaotic Universe, dimension and even multi dimensions and multi Universe each as chaotic and random as the next. One can believe in God without believing there is a heaven but one can't believe there is a heaven without believing in God. Heaven needs God to exist but God doesn't need heaven to exist. Because God transcends the randomness and chaos, it is implied that he is in heaven in terms of relativity. 

The road to heaven is narrow but the road to hell is broad and wide. MSN Hotmail now has focused ads and this is spam and junk mail that shows up in the main messages part of the email account and even setting your email to exclusive doesn't mean a thing. MSN gets paid to put these unwanted ads and spam on the main part of the email page. 

I've gotten a couple today that says I have a package waiting for me. One from an unnamed source and one claiming to be from UPS. I never placed an order so naturally I didn't click on them. Clicking on anything sends a beacon. When that happens, they start spearfishing which is aggressively sending multiple of the same messages. Pierogi of scammerrevolts and scammerpayback on YouTube deals with these people all the time. I wonder what the karma of a scammer is. When someone does evil, it affects their life in a thousand and one subtle ways. These scammers won't make it into heaven. I imagine that for them it would be like the ending of the movie Ghost starring Patrick Swayze, that dark entities would pull them into hell. But when someone from another country targets people from Europe, the US, Canada, Australia and South America too with scams, does the FBI investigate that? Thankfully there are vigilantes called scambaiters like Pierogi of scammer revolts and a lot of other vigilantes who are private and don't go on YouTube who turn the tables on these scammers. The scammers got themselves and their own karma to deal with and there is no escaping oneself. 

I think that just about everyone who has an email account gets these types of messages that "You've got a package from UPS" or where ever. It's a system wide thing. 

One day, scambaiting, deleting scammer files etc will be a regular part of the curriculum of any University and one day, high school computer programming course. Homework assignment: Scambait a scammer and delete their files and report the scammer to the FBI. 

Today I went to the beach at Holland Point Park. On the beach, looking down from the cliffs, I saw an eagle on some rocks eating something. Then the eagle flew away. I never seen an eagle there before. That was a gift from God. 

I went to Beacon Hill Park and walked to where I used to walk with Heather. I love Heather. She is my sweetness. 

Then I went to Old Spaghetti Factory and had linguini vongole which is linguini with claims. The word vongole sounds like an Italian swear word, but I won't get into that. 

I got a ticket to see the Polar Express in 3D. It makes a difference and the 3D effect is next level from what it used to be. 3D in 4K in IMAX. Polar Express in 3D is on today and tomorrow. The Polar Express is the all time best Christmas movie. 

Yesterday and today, I felt a pain in the tip of my genitals. I took an acetaminophen and there is no pain now. This morning I thought of the line in The Godfather part 2:  "I'd give four million just to be able to piss without it hurting." At one point yesterday, I had a sudden attack of health anxiety. I thought that if the pain gets worse, my genitals might have to be cut off. 

I saw The Polar Express in 3D today. Near the ending Santa Claus seemed like a metaphor for the loving benevolent God that people have seen in NDEs. The narrator said that even when he was old, he heard the bell ring. 

That made me weep slightly with bittersweet tears of love. The Polar Express is a magic movie that will make you believe. Believe in Santa and believe in God and Jesus and heaven too. The best Christmas movies are ones that make people weep bittersweet tears of love. It's a Wonderful Life has that effect on me as well. The ending when George Bailey realized how much he was truly loved is a magic moment in Christmas movies. 

The 3D effect brings it all alive. The moments went too quickly. 

After I left seeing the Polar Express, I saw the Legislative Buildings all lit up in Christmas splendor. Then I saw the boats in the harbour all lit up. Christmas boats. Then on the way home, I was just in time to see the annual trucks  Christmas parade. The trucks were beautifully lit in Christmas lights. It was a wonderful spectacular day that was better than I could have imagined. Seeing the eagle, and the Christmas boats and the Christmas parade, The Polar Express in IMAX and going to the Old Spaghetti Factory and visiting Heather and then me and her going to McDonald's, what a great day! 

Sunday, December 4, 2022

I dint go to Church today. I didn't go out at all today. I have a sore throat cold. That's all it is, a sore itchy throat, a few wheezing dry coughs and feeling weak and achy. I didn't want to go to Church to spread this. I fist felt it yesterday. I took a long walk yesterday. It was exposure. I am glad this isn't worse. A cold is very painful. A real cold would be non stop coughing up phlegm and constant nose plugged up. This is a minor cold. Hopefully it gets better tomorrow or the day after. 

I took a multivitamin and ibuprofen. And some Halls and Ricola. 

Monday, December 5, 2022

Except for a brief walk to Shopper's Drug Mart, I spent the day at home today. Although the sore throat isn't there anymore, I still have a sharp pain on the right side of my head at the bones surrounding the ears. It feels like a knife is sliding across it and the pain is at a 2 out of 10. However, this morning when I tilted my head to the left, the right side of my head at the bones surrounding the ears really hurt. 

I wonder if I should take a T3. It's at that point. I would only take one so as not to be addicted. Opiates isn't something I'd want to be addicted to. 

Hydrophilic means water soluble. Lipophilic means fat soluble. 

Morphine's lipophilic factor or logP, P stands for partition coefficient, is 0.8. Heroin's lipophilic factor or logP is 1.5. The .7 difference might not seem much but that point seven difference means that heroin is almost ten times as lipophilic as morphine which is why heroin generates a much faster rush to the brain. 

*source: acsh.org - All The Chemistry You Never Wanted To Know About Heroin, & More. 

A 3 on the Richter scale is ten times as bad as a 2 on the Richter scale and so on, a 6 on the Richter sclae is ten times as bad as a 5 on the Richter scale. The lipophilic hydrophilic factor scale works the same way. 

The Richter scale goes from 1 to 10. The logP scale runs from -7 to 3. Each scale has 10 main incremental demarcations. 

Tuesday, December 6, 2022

The pain on the right side of my head on the bones around my ears I have put down to me wearing the extra tight headphones I got. I have Maxwell headphones and they are a lot tighter around the head than the Sony headphones I got. Tight headphones do not fall off the head while doing parkour but can cause pressure related injuries arojnd the bones of the ear which can lead to angry tomato headaches. 

The pain is still there. I rubbed Tiger Balm on the area this morning. I also rubbed some rubbing alcohol on the area. The pain is very slowly receding over time. 

There is a movie I want to watch called The Banshees of Inisherin. It's about an old man who realizes his mortality and decides to end his friendship with his lifelong friend. The friend doesn't want to end the friendship. They live on a small island off of Ireland and life is very boring there. 

I imagine that life on Gabriola Island, Prevost Island and Salt Spring Island would be extremely boring too. Those islands don't even have a Police station and the Police only sometimes patrol the island. No hospital in those islands too. Those islands can only be accessed by boat so any emergency would involve a boat ride then a long taxi ride or car ride to the hospital on Vancouver Island. The closest hospital would be Saanich Peninsula Hospital. 

Today I saw a movie, Lion starring Dev Patel. It is about a boy named Saroo  from India who becomes separated from his family due to a misadventure then gets adopted by a family from Tasmania Australia. Eventually Saroo finds his way back to his family in the village of Ganesh Talay. Ganesh means wisdom as the elephant God Ganesh is the God of wisdom. Talay means sea. Ganesh Talay means ocean of wisdom. When Saroo reunited with his family, the scene was so touching that I wept tears of love at the end of the movie. I was just gushing with tears. The movie sure made me turn on the waterworks. I thought of the line from the Patrick Swayze movie Ghost, "The love. You take it with you." It was a very touching movie. 

Wednesday, December 7, 2022

My pains are all gone. The slight cold I had over the last three days is gone. The pain in the bones around my right ear is gone thanks to time and Tiger Balm. I don't wake up with fear anymore. Every day is just a normal day. It has been noted that old people are often happier than people who are young. 

Once the mid life crisis is over and old age starts to set in, a contentment and happiness sets in. Always remember that God is with you. Thank God for the precious gift of life. 

Sometimes I still worry and get depressed but that doesn't last long as I remind myself to thank God for being with me. Thank God for his presence. 

With every meal I always remember to thank God for sustaining and providing for me and for his presence throughout my life. It is a lot more psychologically and spiritually healthier to think this.

I have anxiety especially after drinking coffee or anything with caffeine. For years I've had a low libido. This problem is made worse with sex anxiety which registers as a dull burning feeling in the stomach whenever I think about sex. I hope this goes away one day otherwise euthanasia might be a good idea as what is there to live for. I also get food anxiety as food at restaurants is so expensive these days and also having too much food gets to be a kind of homework. 

I've had hundreds of incidents of anxiety over the last couple of years and they each amounted to nothing. Things I thought were stressful turned out to be smooth and no problem at all. The sex anxiety I feel on one day turns out to be something forgotten about a few weeks later. One can still live with sex anxiety. Anything held back for awhile often can return with a vengeance. One day, my sex anxiety will go away. If it doesn't, I'll learn to live with it. 

In the movie Dog starring Tatum Channing, two women were sex therapists who worked to free up blocked sexual energy in the body. Perhaps one day my sexual energy could be unblocked and freed. Otherwise, I'll just have to learn to live with it. 

YouTube videos have pointed out that 1. A person has bodily sensations all the time. Try to resist the temptation to label these sensations as fear or anxiety or depression etc and allow yourself to feel whatever bodily sensation without labelling it. 2. You are not your thoughts and feelings. Behind these thoughts and feelings is the observer which is your true nature or your true self. Always remain in contact with that true self. 

Today I visited sweet Heather. We went to Tim Hortons. The sweet lady treated me to an iced cappuccino, a grilled cheese sandwich and a bowl of chili. Then I went home. 

Today the BC government under appointed but not elected Premier David Eby revealed and then sworn in the new cabinet. Some former Cabinet Ministers were dismissed from Cabinet altogether, some Ministers got demoted to a lower profile less prestigious portfolio some retained their old portfolios while many more got promoted to higher profile and more prestigious portfolios. An elected Premier is the Premier elect and an appointed Premier is the Premier designate before the swearing in ceremony. An appointed Premier doesn't have the official support of the public but its better to be an appinted Premier than to not be a Premier at all because if the appointed Premier calls an election then there's a chance that the Premier could lose that job altogether, appointed or otherwise. It's better to be in government than to be the Opposition. 

Government Cabinets over the years:

2022: "The government cabinet used to be all white men back in the 1940s. Now I see a bunch of visible minorities and lots of women and even someone in a wheelchair."

1940: "The government used to be all British men back in 1900. Now I see a few Irishmen, a few Germans, and a few Italians."

1900: "The government used to be all staunchly upper class British men back in 1870. Now I see a few upper middle class, and even some landed gentry."

1870: "Thank God we have a government comprised of all upper class British men. This is the way it ought to be and this is the way that things always always will be. All these men are Christian God fearing men who love their whisky."

Time travel to the future:

The year 2522: "The government used to be all humans back in the 2000s. Now I see quite a few extra terrestrials including a few zeta reticulans, a few Pleiadeans, a few J-rods and even a few Al-Gruualix with their 8 gender species and even a few Arcturians which are a sexually ambiguous, sexually ambivalent species."

The new British Columbia government Ministers that Premier David Eby oversees and swears in today on Wednesday, December 7, 2022. As you can see, in addition to White men there are quite a few women, quite a few visible minorities and also someone in a wheelchair. 

Legislative Assembly of British Columbia in 1897. A sea of all White men as far as the eye can see. 

During the 2022 Civic election of the city of Victoria BC, I thought that Mayoral candidate Stephen Andrew was straight and that Mayoral candidate Marianne Alto was a lesbian. It turns out that Mayoral candidate Stephen Andrew is quite gay and since elected Mayor Marianne Alto is straight and married with children. 

This reminds me of someone who was gay who told me that he thought that John Ritter was gay going as far as to say, "When John Ritter was on Three's Company, he was a gay man pretending to be a straight man pretending to be a gay man."

Spoiler warning: I saw the movie The Banshees of Inisherin at the movie theatre. It was a very good movie although very somber. It had its comedy moments. It took me awhile to realize this movie was set in the past, in 1923. The scenery is very beautiful. It takes place on a small island where life is slow and boring, kind of like my life living on an island. After seeing Avatar, a lot of fans didn't want to leave that world after the movie was over. I felt the same about The Banshees of Inisherin. It was a world which I didn't want to leave after the movie was over even in 1923 on that island, there was no radio, no television and no internet, no cassette players and no mp3 players. I won't reveal any more of the movie. I was happy to go see it. I went to a late night showing with the movie starting at 9:35 pm. I just about never go out at night so going out at night is an adventure. I learned on a YouTube video that the problem with staying in a comfort zone is that over time, a comfort zone grows smaller and smaller. Going out at night once in awhile is psychologically healthy. Colin Farrell and Barry Keoghan acted together before in the movie The Killing of a Sacred Deer. Their roles in this movie were entirely different. The cinematography of this movie is gorgeous. 

Thursday, December 8, 2022

WNBA Star Brittney Griner has been freed from Russian prison in a prisoner exchange. Brittney Griner has a wife. I didn't know that she is gay. But who cares? To each their own. 

I woke up today with some very slight anxiety of the future. I asked God about me thinking that I don't have the strength to face the future. Life is a chore. The future is a Herculean task of Olympian proportions. So many decisions. Eating at a restaurant costs money, money I don't quite have. Not going to a restaurant means eating food that is tawdry and plain. These kinds of thoughts cause anxiety. 

The movie I saw last night was good but that I spent $15 to see the movie gives me slight anxiety. 

Life with its tedious details. 

Today I saw two episodes of Law and Order at 2pm on channel 6. I first watched Law and Order on this channel and at this time while visiting Heather. 

One of the episodes had Epatha Patterson who since died of cancer in real life. On this episode she also portrayed someone who had cancer and her son had offered her three joints. "Is this what I think it is?" she asked. Her son replied in the affirmative. 

She said, "I can't use this, I'm a Police Officer."

Ernie Hudson was there and he said, "You have trouble eating and are always vomiting. This will help."

Then at the Police station, a Police sergeant commented about her having the smell of weed on her clothes. She thought she was in trouble. Then the sergeant said, "Here is some breath mint chewing gum. Wear clothes that are washed before coming to work. Here is the phone number of someone who sells medical marijuana, very reliable. I myself had bone cancer and this stuff got me through it." That's Law and Order and it showed Police Officers being OK with the use of marijuana for medical problems. 

Today I went to see some sweetness in other words I went to visit Heather. She is doing well. I wish I was smart like Heather. I wish I was smart like Beebs. She never talks about being afraid or of having anxiety nor fear of the future. She is a smart lady. 

Friday, December 9, 2022

Woke up with a micro burst of fear. I couldn't install Windows 10 on my computer although it was once installed before. I will try again to get it installed. 

I still worry about the future and maybe this worry will never go away. I worry about old age. Yet this worry doesn't press down hard on me as it has before. It's just more thoughts. Slightly worried, not majorly worried.

I went to see The Great Bear Rainforest at IMAX today. The Great Bear Rainforest is an actual area on the BC Coast covering 20,000 square miles. It is a heavily lush forested area. There are white spirit bears there. These bears are not albino bears. They are a separate species. Ryan Reynolds narrates this film. 

Cestfallen. I got Windows 10 installed on my computer that had Windows 7 Ultimate. The installation was a success. Someone installed it for me. However the sound doesn't work. I went to device manager and updated all drivers but the audio still doesn't work. If this problem gets resolved, I'll let you know. Maybe I should throw away this computer because it is a 2008 computer with a single core processor. New computers usually have a quad core processor or else 4 core processors. The computer has sentimental value. My friend said that it's a computer that your great great grandfather crossed Canada on a canoe and then rode the highway on a horse covered wagon and then got the computer for me as a present. That kind of computer. In other words it's an old computer. 

I had this problem before years ago but over time, the problem resolved itself on its own. 

There is no getting over the fear. I fear the future and I fear old age. I also fear that Trudeau's new euthanization program will euthanize me although I talked to at least a dozen people including nurses and they all said that I wouldn't be euthanized. I should trust them. 

I once talked to 7 doctors including an ENT doctor and that's number of people only, as for occasions, it was more than that. I saw the ENT doctor 3 times about the bump on my nose. I thought I'd have it for life and that it would be the end of me. They all said it was nothing to worry about. One day it just went away and my nose is completely healed and back to normal. 

I worry too much. Also, none of the old people I talked to said that old age is scary or anything to worry about. I talked to about 20 people at least about old age and getting old. I look on television and I don't see any Prime Ministers or Presidents who seem worried about old age. They are inspirational in that way. 

The clicking in my left ear has returned after a few months. I used ear wax removal liquid. That worked last time but it's still there. I just used it today but remembering what happened before, it took a couple of days for it to work. Maybe it'll be better in a couple of days. I use earplugs all the time. Maybe if I stopped using earplugs too but if it was earplugs, why one ear and not the other? Life is boring. I have the internet which leaves me wondering how much more bored I'd be if I didn't have the internet. I have a lot of problems. These are minor problems. I'll get sound on my new Windows 10 in a few days. My ear problem will eventually go away. 

Saturday, December 10, 2022

Today I feel overwhelmed. Life is a never ending set of chores. 

I went to visit Heather. We went to the thrift store. I got a large bedsheet because the one I had before was too small and kept slipping off. Then me and Heather went to a cafe. She said it's only a few days now til month end. I shrugged. What happens at month end? I get relief? I get a reward? No it's more of the same thing. It's more do it all over again. Life is stressful and a struggle. Life is a never ending set of chores. What to eat for dinner. Food costs money and is expensive due to inflation. I don't really want to go on living. Yet I have to but I don't want to. Life is tawdry. 

I don't feel like I want to live. I'm 52. I don't know how I'm going to handle the next 20 years and even if I do, what happens? Out of the frying pan into the fire. Life gets worse after 70. I often think of the euthanasia program. I see no good future for myself. I've lost the will to live. Before I had low libido. Now it's a level worse as I have sex anxiety. I'm done for. If God had any compassion, he'd kill me with a quick heart attack or stroke. It would be one hell of a day but it would soon enough be gotten over with. But then what? I wonder if I'll go to hell. Or else purgatory. No one knows what happens after death. The forces of this dimension have invisible forces behind them and these invisible forces are what makes the world that exists after death. This world is very different but also very similar. 

I'm not looking forward to the future. Life is a pain. I would advise anyone in the afterlife to not incarnate. Life is stressful, its a struggle and life is a pain. Old age is the worst part of life. It's best to skip life altogether. For everything that exists, there's a million things that don't exist. Non existence is the best option. Old age sucks. Old age is the shits. It's in old age that all the teeth are gone and one has to use dentures. I'd like to skip old age altogether. Could I or would I have that option? Leave life for those who actually want to live. 

Things are better tonight than they were last night. I got Windows 10 with sound. My friend who is a computer repair tech miraculously installed a sound driver that works. My new bedsheet is nice. It doesn't slip off. And my ear clicking has gone away, for the most part. It's a lot better than it was. Heather said that the ear clicking was a sign that my ear is healing itself. 

Today is the future that last year was presented with. This past year has been simply amazing in terms of music. This past year, I discovered Steely Dan - The Lost Gaucho, World's Famous Supreme Team - Hey DJ, Jean Luc Ponty - Enigmatic Ocean, the music of Allan Holdsworth, the music of Michael Franks and the music of Didier Lockwood pronounced DJ Lockwood. The Didier Lockwood songs Crazy Eights and Sonny Sunny are simply out of this world. Much better than I imagined that music could be. Sometimes the best is yet to come because a year ago, I didn't know about any of this music. Also Dave Grusin and the NY-LA Dream band live at Budokan in 1982 with Lee Ritenour and Michael Franks is phenomenal. 

When YouTube introduced those videos that showed up in YouTube recommendations, YouTube dropped me gifts from heaven. That music is heavenly. Music has the power to induce bliss. YouTube never paid me for my cartoon but YouTube recommended me such heavenly music and also YouTube recommended Douglas Bloch and Pastor Joel Osteen and Pastor Joyce Meyer so YouTube in that sense did pay me. They paid me gifts that are financially intangible yet priceless. Thank you, YouTube. 

I should stay around for old age. Sometimes the best is yet to come. Some people find the love of their life and get married when they are old or else after getting married a few times, find the best spouse of all when they are old. This happens for men as well as women. I was going to write find the best wife of their life but then women also find the best husband of their life too when they are old. A lot of people get to be politicians when they are old sometimes with little to no political experience. But I know that a politician is a dangerous job. A politician inspires half the population and angers and brings hate from the other half of the population. Politicians often get mean and angry letters. Like Obi Wan Kenobi said in Revenge of the Sith, "I'm not brave enough for politics." 

Heather once said to me that the future will be better than I imagine. Heather is a great lady. I love her so much. She is my bee. She is my sweetness. The sweetness of Bee. 

I expect to be discovering heavenly mind blowing music from time to time for the rest of my life with YouTube. However this past year was something else when it comes to discovering music. Too bad Allan Holdsworth and Didier Lockwood died, but they were old and it was their time. Allan Holdsworth and Didier Lockwood are angels in heaven because only Angels could make the quality of music that they did. Allan Holdsworth - Tokyo Dream and Humpty Dumpty, those songs sound heavenly. Didier Lockwood - Crazy Eights and Sunny Sonny, those songs sound heavenly. Give them a listen, as those are songs that I would recommend although there is no accounting for taste. 

Sunday, December 11, 2022

I went to the Presbyterian Church today. The Church has the annual Christmas decorations. It seems like yesterday that it was last Christmas. 

The sequel to the Jedi Fallen Order video game with Cal Kestis is going to be released in March 2023. I thought it wasn't going to be released until 2026. That's good news. Cal Kestis is very inspirational with the lightsaber. 

I am still worried about the future and of getting old. A video about a homeless man in Hong Kong had this to say. When the homeless man was asked about getting old, he said, "I don't think about it. I will let fate decide. Just go with the flow."

Things seemed simpler when I was younger. But then when one is 30, they don't know if they'll make it to 50 and there is lots of time ahead. Too much time and one wonders if they will have the strength to go through it. At 52 I wonder if I'll make it to 60 let alone 70 and I don't know if I'll have the strength to go through the next 20 years. And then what? Is there a reward or a pinnacle after that? No. It's out of the frying pan into the fire. All anxieties about old age and death simply get magnified at 70. I'm glad I never had children. A YouTube comment said that it should be a crime to have children, to make someone face and endure the attendant evils of growing old and one day dying. Life is a ghastly wretched defective delinquent algorithm. The only thing good about life is the music of the 70s and 80s. Music has never been as good before then and never will be that good ever again. It's worth incarnating just to hear the music of the 70s and 80s. Other than for that, life isn't worth living. 

The heavy music I discovered on YouTube in the last year was so good that I'm glad I didn't commit suicide years ago otherwise I would have never discovered it. I'm also glad that I discovered the James Bay Inn restaurant and the movie theatre in Sidney BC and also the Jericho Hostel in Vancouver. I can't sleep at a hostel. Hostels usually have a lights out at 10 or 11pm. I don't sleep until 2 or 3 in the morning. I would need a private room in a hotel. I spend the night playing apps on my tablet, usually Subway Surfers, Jewel Legacy and Toon Math. 

The clicking in the ears occurs in both ears. Just a slight clicking every once in awhile. It feels structural in nature like something is adjusting itself. Totally not painful. Maybe it's always been there and I didn't notice it before. One day I'll find out what's really going on. 

I also have at least one mouse in my room. For the longest time I didn't have any. Mice chew up things and make slight noises. They are pests. I have to get some plywood, two pieces about as long as my forearm and tape it together and adjust it in front of the door of my apartment. My forearm from stem to stern is just a little over half the length of the door way. Tape them together. I procrastinated in going to the hardware store. I'll have to do it. 

I could go and visit Suzie every once in awhile. I thought of never seeing her ever again because I'm an all or nothing kind of guy. But once every few weeks, say once every two months is all right. Suzie is a very sweet and kind and smart lady. When I visit her, I only get a minute or less to talk to her. That's what happens when you visit someone at their workplace. And then she says to me that she would like me to visit every week. I don't like people putting expectations on me to visit places. Well, people are just being friendly when they say that. They say that to everyone. It really doesn't mean anything. 

I went to an afternoon concert of classical music at the Church today. They played capriccio with cello and piano from Bach, Lukas Foss and Tsaichovsky. The musicians were from the University and they are very talented. Some played the music without even looking at tablature sheets. 

I spoke to a senior doctor at Church just before the classical music concert. I asked him if I would be euthanized under the euthanasia for mental health since I have a few mental issues. He said, "Nothing will happen to you. You won't be euthanized." I then told him that I fear the future and I fear growing old. He said, "Don't worry about it."

When I was hearing the classical music, I thought of the time and place where the music was first composed. I visualized walking in a market square in Europe during the 1700s and this music was playing in some places. I guess back then if music was popular, they didn't sell records of the music. Instead they sold the sheet music and anyone with the corresponding musical instruments could play the music. 

In the afternoon, I went to the evening Church service. Then after that I visited Heather. I wanted to take her to see Christmas lights but that doesn't start until December 15. 

Monday, December 12, 2022

I went to Value Village to get a jacket with a diamond weave. To me it is a jacket that reminds me of Royalty. 

I then visited Heather. 

For the rest of the day I stayed home. Life is boring. The clicking in my ears is still there as much as ever. I had a headache all afternoon. Even before and after an afternoon nap I had the headache. 

Sometimes I just don't feel like living. 

This is the jacket I got for myself with a royal diamond weave. Monday, December 12, 2022. I'm 52 years old. I'm old. 

Over 50 - old. 

Over 60 - super old. 

Over 70 - super duper old. 

Over 80 - an archaeologist wants to display you in a museum. Old or what? 

Over 90 - a paleontologist wants to display you in a dinosaur exhibit. Old or what? Jeez! 

Over 100 - Enjoy that cup of coffee because that's the best sex you're going to have all day. Intensely and profoundly old. Older than a dinosaur. 

I took an ibuprofen and my headache went away. 

Tuesday, December 13, 2022

I am deciding not to visit Suzie. So many things usually go wrong. I get a minute to talk to her, if that. Often she cuts it short and says, "I have to go to the kitchen to work. We're busy." It's not visiting her, it's visiting them. When I talk to Suzie, her friend Carol always swoops over and often when I ask Suzie a question, Carol answers the question. I just don't like the energy and having that catalyze with my thoughts. I was friends with her for awhile. I don't have to be friends with her for life. 

Take 10 minutes to get ready and walk there. Wait in the line up for around 10 minutes more or less, only to talk to her for one minute. The whole thing feels so rushed. I am always given the bum's rush. 

The whole situation is a weight on my shoulders. If I visit her, it's doing something nice for her. If I don't visit her, it's doing something nice for me. I am not obligated to do something nice for her. I am only obligated to not do anything mean to her. Not visiting her isn't doing something mean to her. 

I'd sooner move back to Vancouver than to visit Suzie ever again. I don't like the whole set up. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. I'm not legally required to visit her. I'm not even morally required to visit her. I haven't seen her since September and I feel a lot better. I still wish her the best. Just the same, it's not a friendship that I really want. I hope that I never see her ever again. 

This morning I got stuck in the elevator. I was there for 10 minutes. I waited for a few minutes before pressing the button for the bell. I pressed all other buttons first. At first I pressed the bell for a few seconds, then I just held the button down. The landlord showed up and went to the roof where he reset the elevator and I was released. Good thing I wasn't using the elevator at midnight or 1 am, otherwise I would have been in there for several hours. I'm going to think twice about using the elevator now. Once bitten twice shy. 

I worry about the future. Food inflation. I worry about being broke and then starving. If my hotel closes down due to age as it is a very old hotel, I hope I don't wind up homeless. If my hotel closes, I will ask around town for someone to recommend me a place to live. If not, I will move back to Vancouver. 

I can't survive in a tent on the street. I'd be dead in less than a month especially during cold weather. I'd get hypothermia, pneumonia, and then die. I wonder if God would take care of me. He doesn't take care of everyone. What about those who died on the Titanic or those who died in 9/11. Those are the worst stories. Thomas Harris wrote about people who prayed in a Church then the heavy stone wall of the Church collapsed, killing them all. Where was God for them then? Perhaps God is just a God of random forces. Sure, God is the one who created the Universe, and that all energy is one interconnected energy that is God, but still a God of random forces. I dread the future. The best thing is to have never been born. 

Well, Seth MacFarlane the creator of The Family Guy missed the plane by ten minutes, a plane that flew into the Twin Towers of 9/11 where everyone on board that plane died. 

"So, Peter, where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

'Don't say "Doing your wife." Don't say "Doing your wife." Don't say "Doing your wife."' "Doing your ...son?"

Family Guy 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2q6rndPvFcI

Today I went to the James Bay Inn and had stir fry with rice. Then I went to the Emily Carr House for a tour as today is Emily Carr's birthday. She was born 151 years ago today. 

Then I went to the beach. 

I came home and another day, another headache. I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and I saw Cathy the money shark. Everytime I see her I ask her how she's doing. She says, "I'm trying to get some money. Do you have two dollars?" Each and every time. I stopped talking to her in September. I've seen her a few times but each time avoided her. Then I saw Robin on the street. She's another money shark. Panhandler. Panhandlers want money but with no goods or services in return. Robin has been good to me but since she's a money shark, all I did was briefly say hi to her. Then I walked on. She would have asked me to get her a large can of beer at $5 a beer. I got her three beers on three different occasions this year last summer. Robin once gave me a Our Daily Bread pamphlet but it was a half size one so the print is really small. I like the Our Daily Bread pamphlets. It strengthens my faith. I only have faith the size of a mustard seed. I believe God and Jesus exists and in all probability all good people go to heaven. Bad people or people who are deliberately evil to others will go to hell. I try to be good because I don't want to go to hell but I wonder where people really go to after they die. My money is on the strange chaotic dimension that people go to in their dreams. I don't want to reincarnate. Why is it that Hindoos etc are insistent on reincarnation while Christians are just as insistent that reincarnation doesn't exist? Well, its a bit of both. A part of piece of the energy that makes up who we are in spirit reincarnates. But the exact person who was born in for instance, 1969, that entity is unique, one of a kind and doesn't reincarnate. Emily Carr was born in 1871. She won't reincarnate again especially in 1871 again otherwise there would be quite a few Emily Carrs. There will never be another Emily Carr although I have seen a couple of women in Victoria who look very much like a young Emily Carr. Emily Carr was the most intensely beautiful of all her sisters. It's baffling that all her other sisters got married and she didn't. Emily Carr was only moderately successful as an artist and she didn't see that until nearly the end of her life. It's only after she died that her paintings were worth millions. One of her paintings sold for 100 million dollars. That's why I advise people not to be an artist. Less than 1% of artists are famous and rich in their lifetime like Banksy. Patrick Nagel made good money while he was alive but he died of a heart attack in an underground parkade when he was 39 years old. Nagel is an anagram of angel. When I went to the Emily Carr house, I saw a poster which read, Le Guardien Ange. The guardian angel. I see angel signs all the time. This morning I looked out the window and saw two yellow taxi cabs driving in different directions on the street. Half a minute earlier or later and I wouldn't have seen that. Thank you heavenly angels for your divine guidance and protection. 

If I was White and alive back then I would have wanted to marry Emily Carr. I'm sure lots of guys wanted to marry Emily Carr. But to be eligible age wise, I would have to have been born around 1870. Those times were awful. There was no radio, television and internet. The only good thing is that anyone, even someone working in a sawmill could afford to live in a house, even own it outright let alone renting. And rooming houses and even apartments weren't that expensive. They were cheap to rent, about $25 a month in those times, even a nice apartment. But those apartments only had electrical lighting and hot water for the tub. No televisions or radios or electric fridges, what, back in Emily Carr's time. Getting a basic radio would have been the equivalent of a few hundred dollars today minimum and what was on the radio back then was wretched. Even the best reception on the radio was staticky and crackley. Radios were modulated as microphones weren't nearly as sensitive as they are now. Radio voices sounded strange. Etc etc. I say White because most people back then only married people of their own Nationality. There was very few if any interracial marriages. I screwed up my life because I never married a Chinese lady. In fact my life turned out so bad that I wish I could go back in a time machine and convince my mother to abort me. If I saw how my life would turn out, I would plead to my mother to perform an abortion or else to go to the hospital and get an abortion. My life is not successful at all. If I ever get access to a time machine, I would go back in time and try to convince my mother to have an abortion. Most people place a great premium on success. News anchors are successful. They got lots of money and they are all married. My life is a fuck up and not successful at all. So much so I wonder why I even bothered living. An unsuccessful life is an absolute waste of time. I'd rather not live at all than to live an unsuccessful life. I wonder if God could relate to that because even though God never got married or had a lot of money as God is so powerful that money would be redundant to him, I wonder if God is glad that he never turned out to be unsuccessful like a lot of people that he created did including myself. 

To be successful is to be a yuppie. Get a nice house in the West End near the beach, marry a beautiful wife the same Nationality or perhaps not the same Nationality, and have a nice car like a Mercedes. Anything other than that is an unsuccessful life. But even a life like that goes fast and one day you're old and old age sucks. Get old, the body declines, the sex drive disappears, the teeth also are gone and the only thing coming down the pike is death. I wonder if I could just skip old age altogether. Maybe God can kill me gently in my sleep and I don't have to go through old age or to reflect on an unsuccessful life any longer. Once I'm dead, the life I lived here on Earth, unsuccessful as it was, will become irrelevant at that point as I will have reached another dynamic of existence. 

A Chinese person who opens a successful Chinese restaurant is successful. He loves in a nice house, gets married to a Chinese lady and drives a nice car. A Chinese pastor who has a successful Chinese Church is also successful. I wish I was successful like that but it's too late for me now. My life is fucked and I fucked up my life. 

I feel anxiety tonight. I watched the Emily Carr Documentary, The Woman of All Sorts and when I saw a picture of when she was young, I got anxiety. I don't know that the future is going to be one that I'll like. I have no choice but to live through it. What's the alternative? 

I used to smoke weed every day. I was merely depressed and angry then. Since my major panic attack last year when I woke up fearing the expensive food prices that could lead me to not have enough money and then die of starvation, I feel anxiety. I can't smoke weed because it makes me paranoid and also the idea of being an addict. I am sober pretty much every day. And full of anxiety for the future. 1. I am stuck in this room for life. 2. This hotel closes down and I will have to move back to the downtown eastside in Vancouver and stay in a dinghy hotel with no elevator. Or else wind up homeless on the street in which case I'd be dead in less than a month. I see no good future for myself. Pastor Joel Osteen said that God grants a good future for the faithful but I don't know about that. 

Ever since I got the Covid vaccines, I haven't felt the same. I feel worse. The anxiety is always there. Anti vaxxers say that the vaccine is a population control. Most people who had the vaccine will be dead in about 5 years. The vaccine has pharmaceutical hidden tech in the forum of a chemical lobotomy. Anxiety is the norm. Anxiety to the likes one has never felt in their life. I so dread the future. Existence is a trap. I don't want to live but I don't want to die either. Each is fearful. The best thing is not to be born and if that's something I can't do for myself at least I'm glad I never had any children. Existence is the worst gift for any child. My friend never got the covid vaccine. She is still her feisty self. Meanwhile I'm triple vaxxed and all I feel is fear and anxiety. Perhaps I'm better off dead. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2022

Today I went to the dentist for a tooth cleaning. It was bittersweet. Today I found out that my dental hygienist is moving away for good to practice in the Cayman Islands. That sounds like a rich place. It's the Switzerland of the Caribbean as lots of secret hidden tax sheltered bank accounts are there. 

Then I went to visit Heather. We went to Burger King. 

I watched but didn't complete watching a movie called Motherless Brooklyn. In this movie, the Edward Norton character who is a newspaper reporter has a mental issue. He is trying to solve a corruption case involving a very powerful city official that Alec Baldwin portrays. The residents of an area defined as a slum are forcibly evicted so they could redevelop it and the corrupt city officials get so of the developer money. Something along those lines. The movie is like stepping back in time to the golden Era of the late 50s early 60s. Edward Norton depends on smoking Marijuana to keep his mental issue under control. Even at the newspaper office, the editor suggested to another reporter, "You got any weed? Give him a smoke!" The other reporter happened to have a joint and offered it to Norton right there in the newspaper office. A jazz musician offers Norton a smoke saying, "It's more than just Marijuana." What else besides Marijuana did the jazz musician have? My guess is that it is probably black tar opium or else freebase cocaine which is cocaine mixed with paint thinner solvent rather than with baking soda. Freebase cocaine is more powerful than crack but also more flammable. 

Niedermayer from Animal House is in this movie. 

aspirin or acetylsalicylic acid - is anti-inflammatory. Is also a blood thinner, contains thromboxane

ibuprofen - anti-inflammatory 

acetaminophen - not an anti-inflammatory 

All are analgesics or pain relievers. All are good for headaches. My favorite is ibuprofen. 

Today I went to a Christmas dinner with Heather. I accidentally spilled a cup of coffee. The dinner was 3 multi slabs of roast beef, yorkshire pudding and vegetables including carrots which i ate all of right away as carrots is good for eyesight. The dinner was easily worth $25 at a restaurant. The dinner included juice, coffee and a slice of chocolate cake with raspberry jelly. 

Today I wrote a letter to the CBC asking them to considering a film about Emily Carr's monkey Woo. I asked if they might do a 45 minute IMAX movie about it. Main points are the trip to Java Borneo to get the monkey where it was born. The money at a pet store on Government Street. Emily Carr adopting the monkey and taking it along to the elephant which is Emily Carr's portable art studio. The monkey swallowing a tube of chrome yellow paint and nearly dying. The money finally being taken to the old old monkey house at the Stanley Park Zoo in Vancouver. 

Tonight I had anxiety again. It came from drinking a cup of coffee. I should have known better. Caffeine gives me anxiety. The anxiety went away after me meditating and watching Motherless Brooklyn. I didn't really get the ending. I think Lionel Essrog went to the locker in Penn Station and leaked it to a reporter.

"Those who can, create. Those who can't, criticize." Alec Baldwin as Moses Randolph, Motherless Brooklyn 

I don't mind doing a favor for someone once in awhile but with Heather, every month is a whole volley of favours and work. She is high maintenance. I'm thinking of quitting the friendship. She needs me to take her to the hair salon every month. I have to stop that. She expects me to go with her to someplace or other on Christmas Day. Two places. It would be like that every year. However much I do for her it's never enough. She takes advantage of my kindness. I hope I have enough resolve to quit the friendship. I fear myself. I fear that I'll make the resolution to stop working for her and then break the resolution. I'm not going to those places with her on Christmas Day. I'm going to stop going with her to the hair salon. It never ends. Month after month, do it all over again. Better no friendship than a shitty friendship and just about all friendships are shitty if you get deep enough into them. This is speaking from experience. I'm glad I don't have to be a caretaker to a retarded child or especially even a few retarded children or an aging parent. Family is really difficult to shake off for most people. I abandoned my family as they all live in another town. Hospice nurse Julie has a tough job as a caregiver. She is a caregiver for dozens of people every month and these are all lost causes. No chance of getting better, all her hospice patients are doomed to die. That's the nature of a hospice. I wonder how she does that and not get caregiver burnout. I don't see a good future for myself. I'm afraid that I won't be able to stop myself from caring for Heather. Things are better now than they used to be. The last two years were years from hell, between visiting Suzie and caring for Heather. One day, these problems will go away. I always swear that the scene I am in will last forever but scenes have a way of changing only to be replaced with a scene just as oppressive. Every month, Heather expects me to go to Walmart to get her some groceries. I go to Walmart once a month anyways. But I used to go just for myself. I guess that's not too bad. That I can do. 

I hope that one day me and Heather part ways on mutually amicable terms. I hope Heather finds a new boyfriend. You never know, she might. That would be an airtight excuse that I could leave her and stop working for her without feeling guilty. I should only visit Heather twice or even once a week. No more than twice a week at most. If I fuck up and visit her more, I will only give myself anxiety and burnout. I don't see a good future for myself. I don't see myself finding a new and better girlfriend. But sometimes love comes when you least expect it. Don't despair at not finding a girlfriend because some women you don't want to know! Better to have no girlfriend than an awful one. Me not visiting Heather so often is a form of politeness as it gives her her space. She needs to learn and feel pride in being independent from my help. Even all fathers must learn to let go of taking care of their daughter and to resist the urge to be overprotective and to trust her as she goes to places alone such as nightclubs even. I often see women going to nightclubs and other places such as the workplace alone and their fathers aren't with them! Some women even work as a Policewoman or a military woman and they do such jobs without having to have their father there to look after them. I sometimes see Heather as a daughter I have to protect. I even call her "baby girl" sometimes for goodness sake. That's Freudian transference. I used to be a surrogate father to female guinea pigs such as Herbessa and Ginger. I often see Heather as a pet that I have to take care of. I loved my Guinea pigs more than life itself. How something so cute as a Guinea pig can be eaten in South America I'll never understand. Guinea pigs are cute like babies. I could never and would never eat a Guinea pig. 

Life is bittersweet. I have gotten to like my dental hygienist and now she's moving to the Cayman Islands. That gives me a bit of a broken heart. My other dental hygienist I have known for years who is Polish and someone who I especially learned some Polish for left the profession and that broke my heart too, but she is old. She is about 63 years old. I didn't even mind that she used to slide those sickle scalers all over my teeth. My theory is that since enamel is one part of the body that doesn't replace or repair itself, dental hygienist is a dental scam to wear down the teeth so they could be extracted and then replaced with dentures. Dentures and extractions is a source of revenue to the dentist. It's still a profession that's in its primitive days. One day in the distal, I mean distant future, dentistry will be a lot better. One day, they will plant a seed in the gums and a new tooth will grow from that and these teeth will be orthopedically perfect. They will be straight without needing braces. As it is, my teeth are ghastly and wretched. I wonder if invisalign will work for my teeth. 

I don't want to grow old and see all my teeth all eventually get extracted due to wear and tear. I don't want to die but living forever would be just as awful with the housing crisis and ever persistent social problems in society. There is only one way to avoid old age and that's to die young which is just as ghastly and wretched. Existence is a trap. Best to have never been born at all. Even if I'm able to stop working for Heather, I am still left with the unescapable problem of growing old. Nobody wants to grow old. Old age is the worst part of life. Growing old is a chore of existence and of the cycle of life. 

Thursday, December 15, 2022

I went to see my dentist about having a tooth extracted. he was busy with a client. 

I then went to a hardware store. I was prepared to pay $20 or more for some plywood to tape at the floor of the door to my apartment to keep out mice. I paid $1 each for three sheets of sturdy floor tile. 

I went to visit Heather and I saw her on the street. I told her about me stressing out because of the work I have to continually do for her. We went to Tim Horton's. I could still work for Heather. Work is good for the spirit. I do love her a lot but I always worry about her like a father worries about a daughter. 

After that, I went to the market to get $3 worth of ground beef and I went to London Drugs to get a bottle of Sunlight dish detergent on sale for $2.79.

If I like life, I got awhile to go, to around 70 or more as I'm 52 years old, that's 20 years to go. If I don't think I have the strength to go through life, 20 years goes fast and it will be here before I know it. 

I don;t know if I have the strength to go on. Every day is a struggle. What to eat, prepare lunch, prepare dinner, etc. Constant chores. Constant struggle. The existential struggles of life. 

Craig Hogan on YouTube is great. He talks about life after death and the afterlife. He has audiotapes, I don't know how, that clearly record the voices of those who died. His channel is great. He says that there is no hell but lots of near death experiences on the YouTube channels Heaven Awaits and Strange Stories say that there is a hell. 

Human ego wants to find the answer to things even things that can't have an answer just to get an illusion of control. There is no way to know what happens after death. Even religion claims to know but no one knows. The afterlife could be a holographic primordial swamp even more primordial than the time before the dinosaurs. Life is a trap but the afterlife is a trap too. Existence is a trap. Existence is a defective algorithm. I'm glad I never had any children. Just about every person wishes they were never born. Life is a bullshit struggle. Anyone who has children is an idiot who hasnt thought things through. 

Friday, December 16, 2022

Today I went to a restaurant with Heather. I had oysters Rockefeller which was something on my bucket list. The original Oysters Rockefeller is from Antoines Restaurant in New Orleans. Oysters Rockefeller tastes good. Very luxurious. Rockefeller was rich so maybe in eating Oysters Rockefeller, one day I might be rich. 

Heather got me a pair of adidas shorts for Christmas and a few other things. She is so good to me. Heather is a beautiful lady. 

Afterwards I went to the Library and borrowed a few DVDs. One of them was Licorice Pizza. The trailer made it seem like it was a teenage high school love story. It's actually a very complicated story. Much like a dream that goes on and on but at the end, I can barely remember most of it. It's a romance between a 15 year old guy who is an actor and a 25 year old lady. 

I watched the movie Cop Shop. It was a good movie. The plot is complex. Two prisoners are captured in a holding cell. Then a hitman, Anthony Lamb invades the Police Station killing all the cops there except for one, Officer Valerie Young. The hitman is after one of the prisoners, Teddy Murreto. The two prisoners are freed and take down the hitman. The one surviving cop also takes down Murreto who was sleazy. The good prisoner Bob Viddick rescues the cop as she is almost killed by a corrupt federal agent. Great movie. 

Saturday, December 17, 2022

Woke up and thanked God for the gift of life yet not really sure that I wanted to wake up. Life is a struggle. Too many things to think about. I am often not sure if I want to go on living. The dream world although chaotic and strange has a lightness about it. As a spirit in the dream world I never have to worry about money or eating and there seems to be no physical aches and pains except occasionally when a dog or a cat bites me and I feel a sharp pain but only for a few seconds. I often think that it would be easier if I were just given the opportunity from God to just give up on and to walk away from this life. Life seems pointless. Maybe I should move back to Vancouver. 

Vancouver is more well developed. 

Life should be for those who want to live. 

If not, God should grant them a swift reprieve. 

I wake up every morning disappointed that I'm still alive and that God hasn't taken me out with a heart attack or stroke during my sleep. Perhaps one day soon I'll get my wish. 

Vancouver - cons - Downtown Eastside very profoundly run down. Vancouver is a more violent agitated city. Lots of verbal abuse. I've lived there before for decades since childhood so it would seem like a regression to former times. 

Vancouver - pros - UBC, downtown Vancouver way more developed and funkier than downtown Victoria. People in Vancouver don't seem to worry as much about the future nestled in a very well developed city. More selection of all things. More selection of women. Vancouver is the streets of plenty. 

Victoria - cons - fishbowl existence. Backwater compared to Vancouver. Working for Heather with no end in sight. The same scenes over and over again. Slim pickings. Selection isn't there as much as Vancouver.

Victoria - pros - a mellow city with a slower pace of life. Less agitated and overall less verbally abusive than Vancouver. A new city for me and not a regression to childhood memories. Way more developed and funky than Dawson Creek which is an abysmal backwater. Dallas Road Beach and Holland Point Park. Opportunity to visit Sidney BC. 

Vancouver is a sprawling city and you have to travel a long time to get outside of Vancouver. Victoria is a smaller less sprawling city and a trip out of the city to another town such as Sidney is just an hour away. 

In Victoria, step out on to the streets and just about everyone around is middle class. Vancouver downtown Eastside, step out on to the streets and just about everyone around is a hardcore junkie. 

Overall, life seems to get worse as time goes on. One of the washrooms, the one at the back is now closed on every floor of the hotel I live at. The architectural scheme on every floor of my hotel is the same so each bathroom is either above or below each other on every floor. That bathroom at the back is the best one. I use that one often and then the forces of life has to, just has to have a tenant that moved in and he is so paranoid that he poops in a bracket and then dumps the bucket into that washroom at the back. He plugs up the toilet sometimes. This is an example of giving out a certain kind of energy and then getting a worse kind of energy in return. Damn the forces of life. This guy is a real sneaky shit. His name is Shawn Koziński. The other day, two Police Officers from Island Health, real burly men visited him. One of the men had a British accent. Shawn refused to open the door for then so they talked to him outside standing in the hall. They said to him, "The Calgary Police are tired of you sending letters to them. They got your message and want you to stop. Also do you have any weapons that you are planning to use against people who you think threaten you because you mentioned that in your letters." Of course Shawn denied it. 

Although I am friendly to him when I see him, I never liked Shawn. He is batshit crazy and should be in a mental hospital. He used to screech loudly all the time until the landlord warned him. He used to punch and kick at the walls and door of his room. Why the forces of life have to dispatch a personality like that, I don't know. The forces of life is largely defective and pernicious in nature which makes life not worth living. No wonder that about 50 people commit suicide in Canada every day. 

I hope that something bad happens to Shawn Koziński. It wouldn't surprise me if he was to hang himself in his room. He strikes me as someone like that. I wouldn't be sorry if he died. Good riddance. 

It's Murphys Law. The people you hope that never have anything bad happens to them, something bad happens to them. The people you hope that something bad happens to them, nothing bad ever happens to them. Karma doesn't work. The people who do good get no reward. And a lot of the people who do bad get no punishment. There are talented people who volunteer at the Salvation Army and they are poor all their lives. There are people who are upper middle class and horribly abuse their children yet they stay in that upper middle class rich lifestyle for life. There are people who live in hotels and all they ever are is a nuisance to their neighbours yet they ever get evicted. There are scammers in India who always scams and steals money off of people and some of these scammers have been operating for years getting no punishment and getting richer. Scammer payback and scammer revolts and also Kitboga on YouTube deals with these scammers. In a lot of cases karma is bullshit. 

At one time there were no tent cities. Now there are tent cities in Vancouver on Hastings Street and in Victoria in front of the Our Place Community Center. Now there is graffiti in downtown Victoria on the walls of the Royal Bank. Pernicious delinquent energy dispatched from the forces of life. Damn the forces of life absolutely! Life is not worth living. I decided that I already quit life. Since I won't be the one to threaten my own life let alone Tae my own life, I leave it to God as to whether he will grant me a reprieve from life. I don't really want to go on living. All the magic in life is gone for me. I see now future but a boring meaningless waste of time future that is not worth going through. If God would have it in his will I hope he ends my life with a quick and painless heart attack or stroke when I am sleeping. I hope he does this as soon as possible. Damn the forces of life. 

I think MAID in Canada for the mentally ill will be very popular and that there will be a months long waiting list. I imagine that lots of other people came to the same conclusions as I have about how life is so defective and getting worse all the time and that the future is hopeless. 

I won't opt for MAID because I want to die knowing that I wasn't the least but complicit in my own death even indirectly through MAID. Unless I was in long term pain that registers at or above an 8 out of 10 perpetually all the time that is otherwise untreatable, then I would opt for MAID. But the chances of that are slim. Most if not all pain can be managed and most conditions can be treated depending on how effective the medical industry is and with that it's fingers crossed. I don't believe in the medical industry 100% that's for sure. 

"Hope is passion for what is possible." Soren Kierkegaard. 

Update: the graffiti on the walls of the Royal Bank has been successfully removed. 

Today I went to Sidney BC. At the bus stop where Robin the panhandle usually sits, I bought her a $5 beer for Christmas. I had to wait 45 minutes for the bus. 

At Sidney, I bought 2 cheddar croissants for Heather. She loves them. 

At the Harbour, I saw a seal in the water. I said, "Hi baby!" and the seal soon disappeared into the water. It was a Grey seal with black spots. My face is getting more and more black spots. Soon I'll be a sarcomic leopard faced fucker just like my father was. So many damned moles on my face. The future isn't looking good. Moles can be removed for $250 a mole but I got so many moles on my face now. My face looks ghastly and wretched. If I was rich like Elon Musk I'd get the moles removed at $250 a pop. 10 moles = $2,500. But some Hollywood stars don't even get their facial moles laser removed. Why? 

I had a funny vision yesterday of getting raw beef liver at a supermarket in Sidney BC and then on the bus home, taking the raw beef liver out of the package and eating it on the ride home. I did half of that today. I bought beef liver at a supermarket in Sidney but I didn't bother eating it on the bus ride home. I went to the Sidney fish store and got a can of smoked pink salmon for just $6. 

I went to the Centre for the Salish Sea and I saw and met Grace Lore MLA Minister of Child and Family Development. We shook hands. I called her "Your Honour." I was starstruck. It was a great day. 

I went to the Sidney Bakery and got 2 jelly donuts for $1.75 each. The Sidney Bakery has a real cozy and homey small town vibe. Beautiful vibes. I wouldn't mind moving to Sidney BC one day. 

I went to Sidney Harbour Chinese restaurant and I gave them a Christmas card. I signed the Christmas card Dean Noble. Next year, if I'm still alive, I'll give them a Christmas card and sign it also with my Chinese name. 

To me my Chinese name is suspect. I don't have a birth certificate and I was blocked from ever meeting my mother's side of the family. My dead mother. I just about never speak Chinese and I go weeks or even months and years without speaking a word of Chinese. I only speak English. I only speak Cantonese which isn't the National or even Royal language of China. Mandarin is the National and Royal language of China. That was way back when China had a Royal family. There hasn't been a Royal Family in China for over 100 years. That's life. My family background is so messed up that I think it would be better had I not been born in the first place. 

Seeing the seal and seeing the politician today was God's way of reassuring me to just get on with life. 

"Pull yourself together and keep moving forward. If he was with you, he'd be smiling at you." Motherless Brooklyn 

The Honourable Grace Lore, MLA and Minister of Child and Family Development. She is one of the best politicians in th World. 

Imagine if Grace Lore became the Premier one day. Today I met a future Premier of British Columbia. The sky seems to be the limit. She might even be the Prime Minister one day but she is in the NDP Party. Unless she crosses Party lines, never has there been an NDP Prime Minister of Canada. Also there has never been an elected female PM of Canada which is also a waste of political talent. There has been an appointed but not elected female PM of Canada, Kim Campbell. 

Jack Layton was close to being an NDP PM of Canada and he was the first NDP Leader to be the Official Opposition but then they gave him cancer. Thus quashing any hopes for him to be the first NDP Prime Minister in Canadian history. Well, they gave separatist politician Lucien Bouchard flesh eating disease resulting in his leg getting amputated. He wanted to separate Quebec from Canada, instead he got a part of himself separated from himself. This is just a conspiracy theory. Agents can give people diseases. Look at Alexander Litvinenko and also Alexei Navalny. Those are overt cases. Jack Layton and Lucien Bouchard are covert cases. 

I don't think I can be a politician. I'm not Machiavellian enough. A politician also has to have money to finance their campaign or else a campaign contributor but then that politician would be in their pocket. 

"Rudolph Guiliani spent $40 million to get his ass kicked in Florida." CNN 

"Mason Verger's family connections aren't enough to own a Senator. But they are enough to rent one from time to time." Hannibal 

Most politicians I met don't seem too Machiavellian. They seem like ordinary people. A politician isn't Machiavellian unless they have a reason to be. They don't have any particular reason to be Machiavellian with me as I call them Your Honour all the time. Maybe a lot of people don't exactly call them Your Honour but I hearken back to an old fashioned code of courtesy. A politician doesn't really have to be anything other than themselves. A politician is a popular person who the voters in their riding voted to represent them. A politician can be just a backbencher who doesn't say much. They represent their neighborhood and pick up a good salary and pension and politicians usually live in a nice house or else really nice condo. If I were a politician, I'd be a backbencher. Unless I was a Minister who makes decisions and makes mistakes then voters would really get mad and blame them for the mistakes of government. 

Some young people really get mad and always criticize politicians and then one day some of these young people themselves become politicians who get vocally criticized thus things come full circle.

Yesterday, I watched Sherlock Holmes The Abominable Bride. In the movie there was a secret society of women and suffragettes in the 1800s who were fighting against the injustice of having their political rights trampled on for so long. I'm glad that women not only got the vote but are able to be politicians. I think that most women are smarter than men and women not being able to be politicians for all those centuries before was simply a waste of political talent. 

The leading character in Licorice Pizza, Alana Kane is a 25 year old woman who aspires to be a politician. 

Since I met MLA Grace Lore, I searched for her online to be even more inspired. I learned from her Twitter account that there is a free skate tomorrow December 18th at the Save On Foods Memorial Centre with free admission and free skate rentals. I was going to go to Church but the number one rule is whenever there is something interesting, to always do that and just skip Church. Only go to Church if I have absolutely nothing better or nothing just as good to do. I already go to Church enough. I'm probably going to the free skate tomorrow. Next Sunday is Christmas Day and I'm going to spend time with Heather since she has plans on Christmas Day. What. I'm going to go to Church instead of spend time doing something specific with Heather? People usually skip Church on Christmas Day if they have plans with friends or family. Friends and family first. Then Church. I don't feel that I have any real friends at Church. I merely have acquaintances at Church. The acquaintances at Church are people who I never visit and who never visit me. They are just arms length casual acquaintances or else fairweather friends. I don't see what the use of going to Church is as I don't believe that I'll go to heaven when I die. I also don't believe in karma. People do good things and never get rewarded and people do bad things and never seem to get punished. So what's the use of going to Church? Church only advances the idea of heaven to assuage humankind's universal fear of death. The actuality is that no one knows what happens after death. There are so many theories and everyone is adamant that they know the truth. Some say there is reincarnation, some say there isn't. Some say there is a hell and others say that there isn't a hell for anybody even bad people who all they ever did in life was to be a pain to others with malice aforethought. Pastor Joel says that God has the best ahead for those who believe but so many of his followers I'm sure soon after hearing his sermons then went into a hospice and then died of some painful ghastly wretched to be expected bodily decrepitude and deterioration. That's the best? Although I don't know if I believe in heaven, I sure believe in hell. I believe that everyone goes to hell to varying degrees. I believe that everyone goes to the place they go to recurringly in their dreams and these places are always tinged with hellish energy and hellish elements. Depending on their karma, some have it somewhat better than others but even the best reality in the afterlife will have batshit crazy chaotic and somewhat hellish elements. That's what I truly believe due to the experiences I have in the dream world whenever I go to sleep. Death is just a deep eternal sleep from which there is no waking up from. 

"Even if God didn't exist, it would be necessary for man to invent him." Voltaire

Even if heaven didn't exist it would be necessary for man to in it for the sake of sanity. 

The idea of heaven assuage man's deepest fear which is the fear of death and an entire money making industry called religion is based on that. Religion is not so much to address the needs of the afterlife as the afterlife takes care of itself. Religion addresses the pressing needs of this life as Priests need to eat and to suport themselves. Where there is a demand there is a supply and people have a demand to be assuage regarding their fear of death and what is beyond. Religions know that you know that they know that nobody knows what happens after death but that doesn't stop them from advancing the myth of heaven which is necessary to assuage common and Universal  fears. 

First of all, how much of a heaven would it actually be if I can't access my walkman and headphones and music and YouTube videos and the Internet in heaven in the afterlife? 

God is a God of manichaeism. God dispenses good as well as evil. The devil works for God as a bad cop to God being the good cop. Often good can arise from evil and that's what the devil is for. It's called cosmology. There is a God. God is a non anthropomorphic algorithm that dispenses random forces. Which is why bad things happen to good people and why good things happen to bad people for example like asshole tenants who never get evicted and act as a bad catalyst on good tenants. Or how people who live in tent cities and steal bikes and run chop shops and deal and use hard drugs never get arrested or are arrested and are back on the streets within a few days and who are a nuisance to the good people in the neighborhood who don't do hard drugs or steal bikes or set up tents in the middle of the street. 

God is a verb. There are no absolutes in any dimension. All dimensions are tinged with negative elements as well as with positive elements. 

The world is going to hell in a hand basket and I'm sure the afterlife is very similar. People reincarnate because they can't stand the boredom or the chaos of the afterlife not realizing that either way you lose. Whether you reincarnate or not, existence on any dimension is a delinquent defective algorithm. Religion is the opiate of the masses or else opiates is the religion of the masses which sums society up to a T. 

At some point God created the devil, the devil is one of God's creations yet for all his power, God either can't or won't destroy the devil. See? That's where the whole mythology just falls apart. 

If God can't destroy the devil, that means God is limited and therefore the afterlife is limited. Result: No heaven. If God won't destroy the devil then God is a God of Manichaeism which means that reality is a defective delinquent miscreant algorithm. So again there is no heaven. Abandon all hope all ye who enter here, to quote Dante. 

The thing is, God is responsible for all of it. The good and the evil things that happen to people and even animals. The devil and hell is God's creation so it all falls under God's umbrella. The devil is a scapegoat. He even looks like a goat to underscore the point. The evil is there either because it comes from us or the devil but never God. Exodus 34:14 even says that God's name is Jealous. He is a very right wing militant God who can't stand criticism. He can dish it out but he can't and won't take it. 

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. 

The porn that I'm into. What. Granny porn? This is the brain that I have to work with for the rest of my life?! I'm a defective product. I'm a misfit toy from the island of misfit toys. Or I'm a bad robot from the robot factory of the Midnight Express. The factory makes good robots but sometimes the factory makes a mistake and makes a bad robot. There is a film company called Bad Robot. 

Anyways, my soul should be thrown into a cosmic garbage can. 

Perhaps this is all my imagination but there is a lady who is old who I have lust for. She is already married but she seems really friendly towards me. Maybe her husband isn't that much into her. Such marriages do occur. I'd love to spend a night with her and just melt into her arms. But that would make me a home wrecker. Getting it on with a lady who's already married isn't exactly a priority. The other day I had a notion that there will be another lady for me in the future who will be right for me. Who am I kidding? There's no one for me and my future is doomed and I'm arguably better off dead. Don't ever lose that imagination. 

Oh don't worry. There are people who are into worse things. But if I'm saying that to myself, at this point I'm already past far gone. There is no hope for me. I'm a defective person in a defective reality matrix of existence. God should do me a solid and just end my life with a heart attack in my sleep. Quick and painless. I know I'm fucked. 

At age 52, the porn game is over. The women in their 20s are young enough to be my daughter. The women my age are old and leathery, a substandard fetish and let's face it, not as beautiful as young women in their 20s. It's over for me. My ship has sailed. I'm doomed. I have no future except a bad one. I give up on life. And I wonder why I have sex anxiety. 

"With other women, something says yes and something says no but with you Marge, it was green lights all the way." The Simpsons

I don't know if I'll ever meet a lady with whom it's green lights all the way. Not everyone does. Let's face it. The empirical reality is that I'm doomed. 

I learned from Joyce Meyer. Psalm 23 Enjoying Everyday Life Part 1. 

Genesis 28:15. I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go, and I will bring you back to this land. I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.

Freud once said that at age 60, one starts to be preoccupied with death. That started when I was 50. 50 is a world of difference from 40. The homework assignment isn't due for two weeks but I'm getting an early start on it and doing it tonight so to speak. It's genetic memory. Up until the 1850s, most people died in their early 50s either from tooth abscess or a bunch of other diseases that have been around for centuries like tuberculosis and typhoid fever. After the 1850s, with medical science experiments and discoveries people generally lived up until their late 50s.

Then in the mid 20th century around the time when DNA was discovered, most people could reasonably expect to live until their 60s. Even now 95% of people don't live past their 70s. The News either cranks out or makes up the names of people who live to over 100 but that's just to give people false hope in the medical industry. The medical industry is defective. People wait for hours for an ambulance. People get gaslit and marginalized at hospitals. You could go to 5 different doctors for the same ailment and get prescribed 5 completely different types of medications. Most doctors are quacks. The young ones out of med school don't really have experience. Perhaps the older doctors know what they are doing. I don't see a good future for myself. In early January I'm going to have 2 teeth extracted because of pain. I dread the experience. I dread taking T3s because of the narcotic effect and how for a few days after taking T3 I get anxiety and agitated and involuntarily angry or else irritable. I might die of anaphylactic shock. 

My dentist told me that soon I'll have dentures. Dentures is a precursor to death. Old age, dentures then death. The cycle of life. But the youngest person to have dentures according to Guinness was 3 years old. 

I don't know that I'll make it to 60. But when I was in my 30s, I didn't know that I'd make it to 50. I'm surprised that I did. If I'm this freaked out in my 50s, I wonder how I'll feel when I'm 60. That's my temperament. To be freaked out and scared and worried about old age and life itself. 

Some old people are very confident like Anthony Lamb or else Toby Huss  from the movie Cop Shop. But then he was a psychopath and a hit man. 

I don't know if I'll be a confident old person. Maybe I'll just be a scared old person. There are two kinds of old people, confident or scared. 

Journaling is supposed to take away anxiety. It gives me even more anxiety. 

Sunday, December 18, 2022

I am wracked with indecision. Should I go to Church or go skating at the free skate? I haven't skated for years. I also thought of taking a selfie with the politician. Should I do that or not? Is it too intense? Will I get in trouble?

I don't know how today will turn out. Jesus said not to worry. Consider the lilies he said. 

Today, I went to Church. I went to the Chinese Church. 

Then I went to the Memorial Foods Arena. There were lots of people skating. The line up for the free skate rentals was too long. There were lots of vendors there as well. Nestled amongst the vendors was the politician Minister Grace Lore. 

She was very friendly towards me. "Twice in two days. The Sidney Aquarium was nice." 

I replied, "It was great to see you. I am starstruck." 

I asked her if it was all right to get a selfie with her. She nodded yes. I got two selfies with her Honour. Then I went back and told her that I found out about the event when I saw her Twitter page. I then told her that I am an animated cartoonist. These are the words I also wish that I spoke with Princess Sophie when I saw her a few years ago. 

I then went back and took a picture of her at a distance. I was too shy to take a picture of her up close. She was looking right at me in the pictures! I really wanted to take these pictures of her from a distance because she is a rockstar and I'm starstruck. 

Selfies with me and the Honourable Minister Grace Lore, MLA. 

I went back and took some pictures at a distance because I am too shy to take a picture more close up. In one of the pictures, she is looking right at me! 

After going to the stadium, I went to visit Heather. 

Life is full of surprises. When the week, heck, when the weekend started, I didn't know that I would wind up having a selfie with a celebrity. God bless this life. 

In the afternoon at 5, I went with Heather to see the Christmas lights at City Hall. The Christmas Lights are what City Hall at night would look like every other night if the year on the electric Kool-Aid Magical Mystery Tour Bus. 

It was nice to be there with Heather. 

I didn't go to the 4pm  Church again in the afternoon. It was too cold, I felt tired and when the afternoon Church ends, it's dark. I usually would like to go at other times of the year when the Church ends, it's still light out. I missed out. The politician Grace Lore was there and she did a Bible reading. I kind of regret missing that. But the Church was super crowded this afternoon as you can guess. 

Today's afternoon Church at 4pm was shown on television as part of an annual Christmas special. Quite a few politicians were there reading the Bible. It was a star studded rock star event of local politicians. The Mayor of this City Marianne Alto was there and she did a Bible reading too. 

The television offered a better and more close up view than I would have gotten if I actually went there and sat there. If I sat there I would have either only seen the back of their head at a distance or seen them at a distance when they gave the Bible reading depending on where I sat. 

It's best not to get too hung up on celebrities. It's easy to get starstruck and to have a celebrity crush. I felt that way with Dr Bonnie Henry as well. One time Dr Bonnie Henry gave a speech at that Church and I missed that occasion too. That's two missed occasions of seeing a celebrity at the Church. So it's a matched set. 

Maybe one day I'll be a celebrity too. Would I get starstruck when I then see myself in the mirror and have a celebrity crush on myself? 

I've seen quite a few celebrities in my life but there are levels of celebrity notoriety. A local Provincial politician wouldn't be famous outside of the Province. I once saw Eric Idle and he is internationally famous. 

The politician is not only an ordinary MLA, she's a Minister. A Minister is on another level. I once had a dream of two Chinese Ministers. The dream was set in ancient China. They were both wearing black silk robes with black hats with those airplane wings on them. One of them was unrolling a scroll and reading it. However I did meet and shake hands with two Premiers of BC. I met quite a few celebrities in my life. 

The Police meet a lot of celebrities and the excellent regimented military nature of a Police Officer means that Police Officers don't often get starstruck or get celebrity crushes. The Police have a high degree of professionalism. A Police Officer meets ten times the amount of celebrities than the average person ever will. They have become conditioned to be impartial even indifferent towards celebrities. I wish I could be as detached from celebrities as a Police Officer. Some Police Officers themselves are celebrities. The Police Chief and the Police media spokesperson are themselves celebrities. Someone could get starstruck and thus inspired after meeting them. Being starstruck from a celebrity is inspiring and inspires me to be a better person and to be a person who is less afraid of life in general. Meeting a celebrity is a sign that God often has good things in store for people. You never know what tomorrow will bring. 

There is a famous picture of a young Bill Clinton shaking hands with John F Kennedy. One day Bill Clinton himself became a US President. 

In the next election, I am 100% going to vote for Grace Lore MLA. I hope she runs again and I hope that she wins. She is one of the if not the best politician in the World. Yet a year ago I didn't know about her at all. 

Monday, December 19, 2022

I wake up today and spent the morning mildy scared. I'm scared. 

So cold outside. Snowy, windy, winter storm. 

I went to the Library and borrowed a few DVDs and blu rays. 

I watched the movie Benedetta. It's a true story of some nuns in a convent, two of whom turned to lesbianism. One of these two nuns often had visions of Jesus. 

She predicted that if she dies and is executed by trial then the whole town will die of the oncoming bubonic plague. But if she lives then no one will die. She nearly dies by trial being burned at the stake but is rescued by the mob. She winds up living to 70. No one in that town of Pescia died of the plague. Pescia means the Town of fish. 

The language spoken in the movie is entirely in French but the movie is set in Italy. 

I would think that lesbianism is typical in a nun convent community. 

I had another headache again. I get headaches daily. But after taking an ibuprofen and eating a meal I felt better. I get headaches because I always skip breakfast. I don't eat until late in the afternoon. It's a habit. That leads to me digesting the previous nights meal and digesting that could lead to headaches. 

I had an afternoon nap and woke up less fearful. I had a dream about being in a large department store in a mall and watching a Granny porn video on a flat screen television. I was then in Vancouver trying to figure out a way to go back to Victoria on the bus. 

A pigeon flew into my apartment building and is now in the hallway. Birds flying into a building is an omen that someone in the building will die soon. 

The pigeon was finally released outdoors. 

A man in Vaughan Ontario named Francesco Villi shot and killed 5 people on the board of directors of the condo he lived at. In a scuffle with Police, he himself was dispatched or else killed by Police. Good riddance. Psycho nut job. And I thought some of the tenants in my building were bad. These buildings rent to all sorts...

Score. Psycho nut job - 5  Police - 1. Final result: the Police wins. 

Elon Musk tweeted: Be careful what you wish for. Because you just might get it. 

Well, my ultimate wish is to live in a nice place near UBC, to get a BMW preferably an 80s model and to get married to a lady whom I have sexual chemistry with. Chance of the wish actually coming true: 1 in a million. 

I think my future will be saturated with poverty and fear and anxiety with no prospect of marriage on the horizon. Which is why I often think of just giving up on life altogether. 

Tuesday, December 20, 2022

If it's not one trouble, it's another. Yesterday, Monday morning a lady who lives on my floor was yelling again. She has mental health issues. The landlord spoke to her and said if she doesn't keep it down, he'll call mental health emergency 9-11. 

Then there was the pigeon in the hallway. 

Then at 12:30am a smoke detector went off in another room a few rooms down. Finally at 1:15 am, I summoned the courage to tell my landlord who was sleeping. He doesn't like to be disturbed. Who would? I did walk around that room and smelt no smoke. I felt the door. It wasn't hot. And I looked in the window of that room and saw no smoke or glow of flames. The landlord went into the room and turned off the smoke detector. 

Damned forces of life had to bring that about. It just had to! 

For the 45 minutes the smoke detector was going I felt increasing anxiety. No wonder I feared the future. The room is that of a security guard who was working. He works at night. 

Besides me, there was only one person in the hall when this happened. The other tenants of this building are either brain dead or else apathetic. This underscores the fact that life is not worth living. 

Life is full of trouble and my personal consensus is that life simply isn't worth living. I'd prefer non-existence on any dimension. The existence of existence automatically implies the existence of non-existence. For everything that exists, there are a million things that don't exist. For every sperm that impregnate an egg, there are a million sperm that don't. For every egg or ovum that gets impregnated, there are a million that don't. Non existence is better than existence. 

Just like the objective and the subjective experience of time, existence and non existence are not mutually exclusive. They are interdependent. Without existence, non existence would have no meaning and there would be nothing to compare it to and vice versa. 

Existence automatically implies trouble and struggle. Damn the forces of life! I could see how the option of being euthanized for mental health problems would become very popular. There would be a months long if not years long waiting list for that. Existence itself can give anyone mental health problems. Give out a certain kind of energy and get another and worse and delinquent kind of energy in return.. That's the forces of life for you. Life is a defective and egregious algorithm. Like Keanu Reeves said in Constantine, "There is no God that's looking out for us, lady. God is a kid with an ant farm."

With all these troubles in the past 24 hours, no wonder I woke up yesterday morning with fear. It turned out my fears were prescient. 

"Fear is wisdom in the face of danger." Sherlock Holmes

"The best people I have met in life so far have suffered with anxiety and depression" comment on a Sudghuru video: You Can Get Out Of Your Depression

"Just because you stumbled and got lost it doesn't mean that you're lost forever."

"Trust yourself. You are more powerful than you think. Each time you led yourself out." or words to that effect

Quotes from the movie Dr Strange in the Multiverse of Madness

I want to watch the A Christmas Carol movie featuring Ellen Scrooge. I wonder if I'll ever get a chance to see it. 

I wrote the above at 2:30 am.

I woke up this morning without fear. I listened to a Pastor Joel sermon called Faith Over Fear.

During the day, it was snowing. There was so much snow on the ground. The buses weren't running on account of all the snow on the ground. I went out and crossed the street on Douglas at Fort. At the other side of Douglas Street, I walked into a lady wearing a tag around her neck and she was waving her hands. I said "Hi!" and turned away and walked on. She is of a group of people always standing on the corner and asking people for money. I don't like those people. They ask for money and give nothing back. They are parasites, bottom feeders. Whatever money they ask for, they get a cut but most of it goes to some seedy CEO. They might claim to be a charity but I don't believe it. Why don't the Police arrest them for disturbing people? 

I went to the Dollarama and got some Pepsis and an energy drink for Heather. Usually her worker takes her shopping once a week but it turned out that it was cancelled today because of all the snow on the ground. I bailed Heather out yet again. I am often bailing her out. 

I visited Heather for awhile today. I said to Heather, "I wish I was smart like you, Beebs."  

She said, "You're not dumb."

I went home and then in the afternoon I went to a Vietnamese restaurant. I spent the rest of the day at home. I watched a movie from the Library called Frank and Penelope. Very abstract movie. It's about a stripper who runs away from an abusive boss with a guy she met named Frank. They wind up going to a strange motel in a backwater area. They almost wind up killed by the weird people who work at the motel but they escape. At the end of the movie, the stripper's old boss tracks her down. There could be a sequel  to that movie. 

In the afternoon, I had a sweet dream where my Aunt Lila who died appeared in the dream. Funny thing is, this morning, I actually prayed to Aunt Lila to guide me and to be with me. The dream is a sign that she is always watching over me. 

I went and looked out the window tonight after waking from the dream. There was no one on the street which I took to be a sign that confirms that I had a dream about someone who is dead. Actually there is no one on the street because there is so much snow on the ground, it is cold and the buses aren't running. Except for the few cars parked on the street, the streets looked just like it did during the early and worst days of the pandemic. Another night of pandemic death death death. 

Damn. For weeks I see ads for ibogaine and suboxone on YouTube on my Sony Blu ray player. I do not use nor ever intend to use this drug. I want to stop seeing these ads. I went to g.co/adsettings and clicked - or do not allow on ads for drugs and medicines. 

Hunter S Thompson used to write articles about how politician Ed Muskie was supposedly always on ibogaine which he said explained how Ed Muskie appeared in photos. It was a prank. Ed Muskie was never on ibogaine. Gonzo journalism, Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail. 

Politician Ed Muskie. Does that look like someone who is high on ibogaine? 

Wednesday, December 21, 2022

I don't remember that there was ever a time even once that I cried deeply when someone died. Maybe a few tears, that's it. When a couple of my Guinea pigs died, I cried deeply. Tears, wailing, and it lasted for hours. But never with people. With most people, there weren't even tears. I must be a sociopath. That shows me how much I think of the human species which is not much. I am actually proud of myself and glad that I don't ever cry when a person dies. Even if my parents were to die I doubt I'd even shed a tear. 

Most of the people I know who are alive now, if they died I wouldn't cry for them let alone attend their memorial service. I doubt that too many people would attend my memorial service. I'm not famous and I don't know anybody too well. Most people I ever met and most people in my life now, the vast majority of them are no more than casual acquaintances. That's why I often think that it would be just as well if I were to give up on life. 

A lot of people in my life secretly annoy me and I know that I definitely wouldn't be sorry if I were to hear about their death. 

Even Suzie. She's over 60 now and I think she will live to over 80. If she were to die I would only be somewhat mildly upset. I actually hope that I never see her ever again. I hope that God grants me this wish. I kind of hate her a little bit actually. 

There's a few people in my apartment building who I certainly wouldn't miss if they died. I certainly wouldn't shed any tears for them. Don't cry for me Argentina or what? 

"I'm a psychopath. I haven't cried in ten years." Saturday Night Killer

Not crying when someone dies is a forum of schadenfreude which secretly being happy at the misfortune of others. 

An Internet search says that people process grief in different ways and not crying when someone dies is completely normal. 

It used to be that I don't cry when someone dies because I believed that they would go to heaven for sure. Now I don't believe in heaven anymore so I'm not sure even in the slightest where a person goes when they die. 

A person lives in Earth for about 80 years then they go to a heaven forever implying that even a trillion years later they are alive in heaven sounds like a disproportional consequence. 

There have been times in my life when someone upset me so much that I actually prayed for their death. A few times it worked. But I think their death had more to do with the fact that they were going to die anyways and the time of my prayer coincided with the brief window of time just before their death. 

I started to watch the movie her starring Joaquin Phoenix. The movie talked about a lot of horny subjects and of horniness in general. Fortunately or unfortunately as it may be, my sex drive is completely out the window. Low libido and sexual anxiety makes it impossible for me to watch the movie. I quit about midway through. I didn't care where it was going. Most movies could only go along a single general line but this movie could go along a few lines. So I don't care. 

Life has lost its magic for me. I'm just going through the motions. I wonder when God will end my life. 

The plot of the production Shen Yun is that we all have celestial origins. Here is where it falls apart. If we live then die and go back to heaven, that would be redundant. Why live then? But in life we could fuck up and go to hell. That's counterproductive. Why live then? Better off then to just stay in the celestial origins. If bad things and pain is the relativity that shows us how heavenly heaven is, then why wouldn't this relativity structure also apply in heaven, so is there actually a heaven possible without the relativity offset of bad things and pain? 

The News said the Taliban is going to stop admitting women in their Universities. The women wouldn't be missing out on much. The words Taliban University are an oxymoron. Would there be a cyclotron or quantum computer or a space program at that University? 

Canadian schools have ice skating as part of their curriculum while a Taliban University would have endless Koran reading as part of their curriculum. Some backwater, oonga boonga, banana Republic, monkeys in suits, camel driver, third world University. Doesn't sound like much. 

A Taliban University sounds like Regent College which is a theological  University. That some people can have University degrees yet still believe in Adam and Eve as literal rather than figurative and that God created the World in 7 days and that the World is 10,00 years old while others can have University degrees believing in science which says the World was created over the course of a couple of billion years makes me wonder how seriously can you take someone with a University degree. 

A University or college implies a coed student body. If it isn't coed, then it's a boarding school or a borstal and not a University or college. 

Would it be an accredited University? A University in a de facto state probably isn't accredited. 

A lot of religions are vestigial carryovers from the Bronze Age. 

Afghanistan is just like Cuba. They are de facto states and they are covert Russian puppet governments. 

Russia invaded Ukraine, the timing is curious, right after the Taliban took over Afghanistan because its difficult to fight a two front war. It's difficult for the Americans to simultaneously fight the Russians in Afghanistan and in Ukraine. For the last two years, Afghanistan had an American puppet government. Now it has a Russian one. Afghanistan has resources otherwise the Yankees and the Ruskies wouldn't even bother. Namely Afghanistan has lots of lithium. 50 years ago, lithium was nearly worthless but now its worth lots of money as lithium is used in electronics and technology. 

Russia invaded Afghanistan in 1979. For years the Afghans fought the Russians. Americans helped them and installed an American puppet government. Then for years, the Afghans fought the Americans and then the Russians helped the Afghans fight the Americans via the Taliban. Now the Russians installed a Taliban puppet government. 

When Cuba and Afghanistan had an American puppet government, they were de jure states. Now that they have Russian puppet governments, they are de facto states. 

Today I visited Heather. The buses were running again so against my own wisdom, I went to Walmart. Shaw cable was closed today. Then I visited Heather again. 

Those girls with tags around their neck flagging people down and asking them for money were there again. Someone should get a machine gun and just mow them down. They don't look like they grew up in Canada. They should go back to whatever third world country they came from. Why don't the Police arrest them for general harassment? 

These types of people are called street fundraisers. They supposedly belong to a charity and try to get people to commit to monthly payments from their bank account often refusing a one-off donation. The workers either get an hourly wage or else are also paid a percentage of the donations they collect. In London England in 2009, there were as many as 500 street fundraisers on 4 city roads in the course of 6 weeks. In the past there were Jehovahs Witnesses and Hari Krishna on the streets asking for donations or asking people to join their cult. This is yet another example of give out a certain kind of energy and get another and worse kind in return. Most people don't go around asking people for money. In return for that they encounter street fundraisers and the like. These street fundraisers are dispatches from the forces of life. Sometimes one just has to damn the forces of life. I don't believe in karma. Good things don't always happen to good people. And bad things don't always happen to bad people. It's all random forces. Karma is bullshit. 

I don't believe in heaven and I don't believe in karma. I damn the forces of life and I think the human species is a partly delinquent egregious pernicious species. Fuck the human species. 

Since it's cheque day, I smoked some weed. I smoked at 6:45 pm. Now as I write this, it is 11:35 pm. The first two hours I was in mental torment. I thought that people were planning to kill me. I made mistakes at multiple points in the past that got people angry at me and now they want to kill me. Every Hollywood action movie guy flicks are able a main character protagonist and at some point in the movie for sure, someone wants to kill him. I applied that to myself. I thought that I am 100% certifiably insane and I am surprised that the Police didn't take me to the mental hospital. On a scale of 1 to 10, my craziness is about 100.

Who would be after me? Police, gangsters, and the hired thugs of the middle and upper classes. Kate Blanchett said in the movie Nightmare Alley, the poor everyone expects to be devious but they have a true community. The rich and upper class live in a world where everyone seems normal and knows their place but in that world consists an undercurrent that is far more dangerous. 

It's the thugs that this far more dangerous middle and upper class can hire. 

As a poor person, don't get too familiar or involved with someone of another class. Anything beyond two dinners at their house at the very most is dangerous. I've had dinners at middle class and upper class places. How upper class are we talking about? Billionaires, heads of state, Royalty is on another level. I never experienced that. 

I am surprised that I'm still alive. I'm surprised that I haven't been killed yet. 

I am afraid of growing old. I still wonder about the future. Growing old is further decrepitude, further senescence. Not the brightest future. 

Growing old is the shit end of the algorithm of life. Don't get over 50. At that time all sanity about where you are in life is over. 

Eventually I calmed down. It takes two hours to reach the sweet spot. 

I wrote some angry things recently. If I continue down this new road, someone will kill me for sure. 

I smoked a second toke half an hour ago and I summoned the courage to write this. 

Don't smoke weed every day. The days not on weed give the times on weed a balance. Life is a balance. There are people who do harder drugs and more often than I smoke weed. 

At least I'm not going on a trip to Mars. The moon is 30 Earth lengths away. Mars is 2 million Earth lengths away. The realization of the amount of Earth lengths you are away from Earth is what makes the mind snap. That's worse anxiety than anything in my life including the intense times of smoking pot. 

I hope that Jesus doesn't think less of me for smoking weed. People smoked weed, hashish, during Jesus' time. Bong hits for Jesus?  

I did have an insight where a gentle inner voice said that I live within a community of friends. Lots of people know me. 

Thursday, December 22, 2022

Woke up today, ever so slightly scared. I have to pull myself together. I saw an ad on YouTube last night that said, "Age with confidence." A lot of it is in my head. I have some major worries. Will I have to help Heather for life or else for endless years to come? I bail her out when there is a challenge. It snowed heavily over the last two days so I went and got some things from the store for her. Would I wind up moving back to Vancouver downtown eastside? I don't know if I want to go there but to stay in this town is to be trapped in the relationships and associations I have in this town. I am still addicted to tobacco. I'm a bad boy. I'm in my 50s and getting ever older. 

I remember to thank God for being there for me and for helping me. So many people believe in God for so many thousands of years. How can God multitask and being with so many people at one time? Because he is God. Is there intelligent life on other planets? Is God with them too? What about Jesus? Jesus is only exclusively relevant to the history of this planet and he would be irrelevant on other planets. 

Life always mildly scares me. I have had phases where I was scared before and I got over it. Maybe I'll get over this too. I wasn't as scared in Dawson Creek and Vancouver. Please pray for me that I will get over my fear. 

Today I went to Shaw cable. It was open. I went to the Emily Carr branch of the Library. It was closed due to inclement weather. 

I went to Walmart and saw my friend. If I hadn't gone to the Library when I did, I wouldn't have seen my friend at Walmart. My friend works as a cashier there and she is the most beautiful lady in Saanich. She is a mother with teenage children but she is still beautiful. 

I got the bus right away on the way back. I had to run to the bus but it let me on. 

I visited Heather. There were nurses due to be there from 1 to 3:30 pm to give anyone there including residents and guests either a covid shot a flu shot or both. I stayed til 1:30. I couldn't wait. My friend in my hotel told me that the covid shot is population control. Anyone who gets a shot will be dead in a few years. If it was straightforward, it would be one thing. The Government tells us to get a shot and we're immune. Then the delinquent antivaxxers with very convincing arguments about how the shot will kill us make the pandemic truly scary and makes the mind snap and have a nervous breakdown. Then the News has stories of people who didn't get the vaccine dying. So either way you die. If this is the future of a few years ago, 

the future got worse. When is the future not getting worse? 

Years ago another friend of mine got a million dollar inheritance. At the time, she was able to get a houseboat for $150,000 they are now worth $750,000 to a million dollars. Those houseboats were even cheaper in the 80s. So for her the future got better. 

But for most of us, the future gets worse. I wonder if God is really looking out for me or is that just a delusion. 

I got a Google play card. I had a hell of a time trying to read the pin number. I was finally able to do it holding it under a lamp and wearing reading glasses. I am going to purchase the Ellen Scrooge A Christmas Carol. It rents for $4.99 but can be purchased outright for $7.99. I'll give it a shot. I've seen a bunch of A Christmas Carol movies. 

- Filmed in 1901.

- Seymour Hicks 1935 A Christmas Carol. 

- 1957 Alastair Sims A Christmas Carol. 

- 1980 An American Christmas Carol starring Henry Winkler. 

- 1982 starring George C Scott. 

- 2019 A Christmas Carol starring Guy Pierce. Weirdest darkest most bizarre Christmas Carol with one scene that hinted at young Scrooge being molested by his headmaster at boarding school. 

- 2019 Ross Kemp's A Christmas Carol. 

- 2019 A Christmas Carol starring Kate Katzman. 

- 2020 A Christmas Carol with Martin Freeman. This one was hard to watch. Lots of spinning dancing. Whirling dervishes. 

I tried to get into an All American Christmas Carol but couldn't get into it. The movie is a cross between a modern day Duke's of Hazard meets A Christmas Carol. 

The word adrenal comes from Latin meaning near the kidneys. 

The pituitary gland which releases ctrh or corticotropin reactive hormone in the hpa axis is also the gland that releases oxytocin which is the feel good chemical that is produced when giving a hug to a human or to a pet. 

Would God and Jesus think less of me if I smoke marijuana? I smoked pot last night. First time in a long time. 

"That was a massive size hit you took, dog." Denzel Washington, Training Day 

I had a big toke and for two hours I was writhing thinking that I'm totally crazy and I wish I was normal and perfect and that unquestionably, people are going to kill me. I'm surprised I'm still alive. I'm surprised that I haven't already been killed. 

Then I came down and reached the sweet spot. 

Doing drugs is like banging your head against a brick wall. It feels good when you stop. 

Fire in restaurant in Tofino BC. Another small town fire insurance scam. What were the chances of that? In small towns where tourist buses don't go, towns like that don't base their economy on tourism, they base it on fire insurance scams. They got to make their money somehow. Fire insurance scams are a tradition in small backwater towns. 

A lot of people pay insurance actuaries and idemnities. This huge pool of money is then generated into speculation, stock portfolios, and insider trading making the pool of money even bigger. This money is paid out to fire insurance scammers. In small towns even the Mayor and the fire chief is in on it getting part of the multimillion dollar payoff. An individual in a large town can't match the organized structure of small town fire insurance scams and thus has no chance against the insurance companies. 

In small towns, they have fire insurance scams down to a science and have elevated fire insurance scams to an art. 

The dodgy nature of insurance companies is something that makes life less worth living. 

I just watched A Christmas Carol starring Kate Katzman, the Ellen Scrooge A Christmas Carol. It was superb and well worth the money. Gorgeous cinematography, fine acting and the love portrayed made me shed a tear of happiness. 

I first saw a video thumbnail of A Christmas Carol when I was seeing another Christmas video on YouTube. Destiny led me to see that thumbnail. I didn't know about the movie a few days ago. You never know what tomorrow will bring. 

Friday, December 23, 2022

I went to the Catholic soup line. A nice lady who is a street person gave me a hug there. 

I then visited Heather. We went to the mall and then to A&W at the mall. 

Then I returned home. My life has few options. Stay at home, go on a lonely walk or else visit Heather but since she is disabled, that means working for her. My future will be more of the same. I fear the future. 

My mother died when I was an infant. Is that God's will? Why didn't God kill me too at the same time that my mother died? That's why I wonder about God. I man, what's the gig? Seeing the way my life turned out, I wish God had killed me at the time that my mother died. 

The person who lives above me is noisy. I wish he would move out and that room becomes vacant forever. 

Today, YouTube recommended a channel on YouTube shorts. The channel is called Sprouht. The channel is about interviews with people. 

Interview with an 18 year old lady. She says she is stressed but don't worry so much and live one day at a time. 

Interview with a 78 year old man. When asked how old he felt, he said he felt like he is 38. He also said that "The worst is not assured and you can probably get through what comes along."

He interviewed a 60 year old who said that he felt like he is 30 years old. 

At 52, come to think of it, I feel like I am 28 years old. 

Sprouht is a very inspirational YouTube channel. 

Often YouTube recommends things that are good for me. I must have done something right. Two days ago YouTube recommended a video from uploader Michael Habib. It was a Joel Osteen sermon video called Activating Faith Instead of Fear. 

Joel Osteen said that things often look worse than they are. All the water from a fog can fit into a cup. Yet looking at a fog from an airplane, the fog covering a city looks bad. But an airplane soon flies over and past it. 

YouTube has recommended life changing heavenly music to me and also videos that speak directly to me about my fears and worries. I love YouTube so much. 

Michelle and Romy's High School Reunion. Michelle and Romy thought the years after high school would be boring and terrible but they said it was actually a blast. 

I think old age will be boring and terrible but it might be a blast. Every year I go to one place that I haven't been to before. 

This past year, I went to the Aviation Museum, Government House and the Save On Foods Memorial Rena for the first time. This past year, I sat in a DBox seat at the movie theatre for the first time. This past year I went to the new Star Cinema in Sidney BC for the first time. I saw Ticket to Paradise starring George Clooney. This past year I went to Vancouver on the public bus then the ferry for the first time. This past year, I bought a UBC sweatshirt at the UBC bookstore for the first time. This past year, I took a selfie with a famous and awesome local politician for the first time. 

In a lot of ways, this past year was better than I imagined. 

Every year on Christmas Eve day, the Tapas Bar puts on a free steak dinner for the poor at their location in Trounce Alley, Victoria BC. 

Blood Alley in Vancouver used to be called Trounce Alley. The name changed when the slaughterhouses that were there back in the day spilled blood into the alleyway.

Im a jerk. I go to the free Christmas dinner there yet never go to the Tapas Bar during the rest of the year even once. It always slips my mind. But people on welfare can't afford to eat there. 

One day, I want to find out that Jesus wouldn't think less of me for smoking pot. I think Jesus said that it's not what goes into the mouth but what comes out of the mouth that determines your spirituality. 

Saturday, December 25, 2022

This morning I went to Dollarama to get something for Heather. I saw two ladies who work at Dollarama who are my friends. They are incredibly beautiful ladies. Seeing them was a very nice event. 

Today I visited Heather. She wasn't there at first or didn't answer her intercom. I went to the Tapas Bar. It was closed. No Christmas Eve dinner. I went back to Heather's. This time the desk clerk was there and said she is home and let me in the building. Her phone was off the hook which is why I wasn't able to connect with her intercom. That was the Christmas miracle. Had she answered the first time, we would have went to the Tapas Bar together only to find out that it was closed. Had the desk clerk not been there at the time, I wouldn't have been able to visit Heather. 

Me and Heather went to Save On Foods this afternoon. At one point her electric wheelchair was stuck in a snowbank. A tent city lady walked over because her shopping cart was right next to us. She was grumpy at me and yelling and I thought she was a delinquent. But then she cleared the snow and totally helped Heather get her wheelchair out of the snowbank. I wouldn't have been able to get Heather's electric wheelchair out of the snowbank if it wasn't for the tent city lady. I thanked her and thank her still. She is a great lady and may God help her find the best future. 

Helping Heather let me see how many good people there are in this town. Yesterday her electric wheelchair was stuck in the thick snow on the street. An old man and his wife just happened to be there walking behind us. He pulled her electric wheelchair out of the thick snow. I said thank you of course. 

I don't know how long I have to help Heather. To quote a line from So Help Me Todd, "She bends over backward to fix you, to help you, to save you!" 

I bend over backwards to help Heather and bail her out all the time. Had I not been walking with her these last two days, her electric wheelchair would have been stuck in the snow. 

Month after month, I get her a steak from Walmart on cheque day and I go with her to the hair salon. Often, the things she can't do, the things the nurses won't do, I work helping her. My life now revolves around helping her. I wonder how much longer I can do this. Without her, my life would be carefree and leisurely. Helping her all the time with no end in sight is what gives me an anxiety disorder. They say that all things in life change. Nothing is forever. Wrong. I think that me helping Heather is forever. If I don't help her, I feel guilty like I'm abandoning her and that is a classic part of caregiver burnout. I'll probably have to help her all of next year and the year after and the year after that etc. One day, in a passive aggressive rage, I'll just stop visiting her and helping her. I would then have helped her long enough, I helped her more than most people would have. 

In my town, most of the panhandlers, the crazy street preacher, the Rebel For Life canoe, the street fundraisers all like to congregate on Fort and Douglas which is badically the corner where my apartment is. Where I live. I practice zen meditation and these delinquents can somehow sense that. In no other corner in the city do these delinquents like to hang around so much. They like to be around my special zen energy. This zen energy makes the street corner of Fort and Douglas Street very approachable for these delinquents. This is baffling because the old hotel I live in looks very creepy. About 30 residents at least have died in this hotel in the last 11 years. I looked at this hotel the other day from a bit of a distance and felt depressed. Of course having depression a lot of things I look at make me feel depressed. 

"To be cool, act like wherever you are, that's the place to be." Fast Times At Ridgemont High

Google: The Maharishi Effect. Basically, when 2% of the people within a city practice meditation, crime and violent incidents decrease from what it was previously. 

Actually at City Hall there is also a huge group of people who sell drugs and just hang about all day. 

Heather suggested that I spend the night with her on Christmas Eve. I felt slightly guilty about not doing it. But I have to stay at home. Often Heather has nothing very interesting to say if anything at all. She goes to sleep early in the evening and I go to sleep late in the evening. 

This evening, I smoked a a tiny pinch of Marijuana. I felt the effects. I watch the movie Spencer about Princess Diana. That is a good thing to do on Christmas Eve. 

I spent the rest of the evening thinking of not being friends with Heather anymore. I have to do so much work for her. It seems that my life revolves around her. This Christmas does. I have to walk with her to some places on Christmas Day. And I walked with her today. 

After all the work I do for her she always wants me to do extra work. 

I already bought something she needed, bailing her out. I already went to a bunch of places with her and then she says that she needs to go to Save On Foods. The work is never ending with her. Every month is another month of work work work. I don't mind doing a favor for someone once in awhile but with her it's endless. 

Sunday, December 25, 2022

Woke up in fear. I have to work for Heather yet again today. My Christmas Eve and Christmas Day this year revolves around working for Heather. 

I'm going to quit the friendship. I had a dream about Cambodia last night. 

I so much fear the future. 

I saw King Charles Christmas message this morning. He spoke of light overcoming the darkness. 

A British Monarch is traditionally the Defender of the Faith which is the C of E. Church of England. King Charles in his Christmas speech said that whether one is Christian or of any other faith or no faith at all, they can see the message of light overcoming the darkness. Some might think that to acknowledge other faiths is a pluralist statement or some would say that is a rather ecumenical statement or else is a progressive statement. Earlier on, King Charles pledged a solidarity with the Church of Scotland. That is an approach that is somewhat different than that of his mother Queen Elizabeth or other British Monarchs in the past whose more singular endorsements of solidarity were solely with that of the Church of England as Defender of the Faith. Would that be a slight breaking away from tradition? It is not for me to say. I trust in the guidance and wisdom of His Majesty. 

I myself sometimes wonder if I'm in the right religion. Maybe no religion is right and no religion is wrong. There are so many religions each of which claim the monopoly on truth and a gullible and impressionable person could be sucked into or co-opted by any of them. I myself have been a Buddhist and a Protestant Christian at various times of my life. 

There is a Wikipedia page: Multiple Religious Belonging. The phenomenon of multiple religious belonging is increasing with globalism. 

In terms of religious orientation, Queen Elizabeth was Right Wing in her religious stance whereas King Charles is more Left Wing in his religious stance, it seems. 

Christmas Day won't be on a Sunday for another 11 years. 

My life now consists of 3 choices of things to do

1. Stay at home

2. Go on a boring lonely walk

3. Work for Heather 

No wonder I fear the future. My future will be more of the same. 

I still haven't quit smoking tobacco. I have quit coffee and feel less anxiety. I just feel a disquieting fear at all times. Life has really done a number on me. I must go on living. 

I reflect that some has gone through worse things than I ever have or ever will go through. But some have gone through better things than I ever have or ever will go through. For example they got it on with better women than I ever have or ever will get it on with. Is life worth living? 

God's will. My mother died when I was an infant. Is that God's will? Pastor Joel Osteen prosperity evangelism said that God has the best for us. My mother died, is that God's best for me? 

If I knew that my life would turn out so dismal, I wish I died when my mother died. 

Today I went to Church and then I visited Heather. The walk with Heather to the women's center and then to the annual Christmas lunch was much smoother than I thought it would be. I had anxiety about it last night. It turns out most things that I have anxiety about are false alarms. 

I still do love Heather very much and I can never leave her. 

Everything the Church says is true. There is a heaven. Saying there isn't a heaven and all the possible reasons why is like 150 years ago, saying that a commercial airliner can't possibly exist and all the reasons why such as it would be impossible to get something that heavy into the sky. The weight alone would not make it aerodynamic. Which is a total fallacy. 

My landlord said that my hotel will close in a few, 3 to 4 years at most. I worry about where I will live next. I worry that if I live in a tent on the street, I will be dead in less than a month for sure. I worry about having to move back to the downtown Eastside. That neighborhood is like a maximum security prison to the minimum security prison of every other neighborhood. The downtown eastside smells like a toilet and urinal at all times. That neighbor hood is a picaresque death trap, it's a Hieronymous Bosch painting and a Peter Brueghel the Elder painting. 

I hope that God won't abandon me when I have to move. 

Christianity is the strangest religion. Jesus died after being crucified but he came back from the dead after three days and 40 days later, died again. 

Mohammed died after a brief illness. Before he died, he led some pilgrims on a pilgrimage from Medina to Mecca. He then returned to Medina and died there. 

Buddha was 80 and accepted some pork that was off. He died of an illness due to food poisoning. 

Jesus' death was abstract and Kafkaesque and bizarre compared to that of Buddha and Mohammed. Kafkaesque particularly referring to the Kafka story, In The Penal Colony, of the man who is tied down lying prone on a bed with a bed of spikes above being slowly lowered down upon him and also with a wet sponge attached to a stick near his mouth so that he could drink from it. 

At 8:30 this evening, a drunk noisy neighbour Claude was yelling, " I cant fix the fucking toilet!" Every Christmas Day, something goes wrong. A Dysfunctional Family Christmas. Last year, I made the mistake of going to McDonald's on Christmas Day. It took 45 minutes for me to get my two coffees. There was someone surly and very verbally abusive in the line up. That was a death omen for in the following year, two ladies in my hotel died, and they lived on my floor. One of the ladies went into McDonald's that day on Christmas Day 2021. Then Queen Elizabeth died in the following year. 

This year it was the yelling drunk guy. 

An NDE about hell said there was a drunk guy who went to hell. When he was there, he wondered where he was. A voice said, "Where do you think you are, dumbass? Where do you think angry fucking drunks go?" I think that my angry drunken neighbour is going to hell. 

Monday, December 26, 2022

Boxing Day. I woke up this morning and a YouTube video I was watching on television had frozen to a picture of a person wearing a gold ring, the ring had the shape of a skull. The video was, The Dark Ages Were Not As Dark As You Think. 

I saw a YouTube video from YourHigherSelf called Nothing Is Happening To You. It said that the part of you that thinks and feels isn't your true self. Your true self is that which observes. You don't have to dig deep to find that because that is what you naturally are. You think that you are two people, the thinker feeler and the observer but the part of you that thinks and feels doesn't really exist because thoughts come and go. Nothing can harm the observer because that is the soul which lives forever. 

Craig Hogan said that hell doesn't exist. Yet a lot of people who have had NDEs such as Howard Storm claim that hell does exist. Who to believe? No one knows. The puny primitive mind is trying to understand the mechanics of something that their primitive mind couldn't understand such as what happens after death.. 

I recently got Windows 10 installed on my old Compaq computer that I bought at Walmart in Dawson Creek in 2008. I click on the bell for YouTube notifications and notifications take forever to never to show up. The page unresponsive, wait or exit page pop up keeps showing up. I uninstalled and reinstalled Google Chrome and this still happens. There's nothing I can do except to wait for the next Windows 10 update. Everything else works fine on this computer though. 

I spent all day at home. I have enough food. No need to spend money. This is a five week welfare month. Quite a few people replied to me on YouTube. Today I watched West Side story. Musical and dance movie. Sad ending. 

Tuesday, December 27, 2022

I can't get rid of my worrying about the future. Of course worrying about the future is a futile attempt on the part of a limited thing such as the human intellect with an IQ of 110 trying to control or even predict the mechanism of something that even someone with a one million IQ couldn't predict let alone control. 

Today, I went to the beach. It was beautiful. 

I then went to Thrifty Foods and got a piece of fish for $2.66.

Then I went to the James Bay branch of the Library. 

I watched the movie Gold starring Zac Efron. It was a good movie. It's a story of greed that reminds me of John Steinbeck's The Pearl. It was dark and gritty yet riveting. 

My electric wok is failing. The wok itself has two two electric prongs which connect to two holes in the structure of the plastic plug end. One of the holes in the plastic plug end has melted, has some burnt carbon on it and emits a burnt plastic smell. It still works but is on its last leg. At some expense, I will have to get a new either induction wok or else electric wok which I would need for steaming. I will try to steam using one of the two induction frying pans I have. It might work. Otherwise a new electric or induction wok would cost upwards of $100 at Canadian Tire. I might be able to get a cheaper one at Walmart. 

I fear the years ahead. I think they will be dismal and boring and not worth living. 

Wednesday, December 28, 2022

I woke up with fear. The movie Jesus The Gospel of John was on autoplay on YouTube when I woke up. 

I saw a YouTube video from YourHigherSelf, called You Are Enlightened.

It likened a person as a rubberband ball. There is the paper at the center and rubber bands wrapped around it. The paper at the center is the true self. The rubber bands wrapped around it is beliefs, fears, and the lies about life you were told.

I feel less fear as the day goes on. Even though I feel fear, always, the day will pass and I will make it through. And if I don't, then I won't have to worry about Earthly concerns anymore then. 

The noisy drunk neighbor Claude is going to be evicted at the end of January. It turns out that he got drunk again and threatened another tenant. 

Claude used to get drunk and leave notes on tenants doors. Every winter he would close all the windows in the hall and the bathrooms. Every summer he would open all the windows. If someone opened the windows in the winter even a little or close the windows in the summer, Claude would confront them and verbally fight them. Not even in the downtown eastside did I ever meet a tenant that is that crazy. 

For three days I have a pain in my gums, at the back, upper left hand side where my wisdom  tooth used to be but got extracted. I used Gum and Sensitivity toothpaste and it seemed to work a little bit. I think I ate something hard like a crouton or something hot and bit down at that area as there is a wisdom tooth that is still there beneath the area. I have had things like this before. 

Soon I will retire this old 2008 Compaq laptop computer with a single core processor. I have a newer 2018 model ASUS E402 laptop computer with a quad core processor which I got as a gift just before Christmas. I have a new computer yet would opt for this one? Bizarre. Prorated, it is like  a person in 1982 using a 1968 television. I still use this old laptop computer for sentimental reasons. 

In 1990, I bought a few computer magazines over the course of three months. They advertised those old clunky computers with a glass television monitor and those computers went for $1,000. How I yearned for those computers. Now I have about 3 computers. Two of them are new and one is old. 

My dream is to get it on with a lady who is old, over 60. That's my weird fetish. I've seen lots of porn videos on this topic.

I hope this dream can come true as soon as possible. I would also be willing to pay money. In 3rd World countries there are all kinds of old prostitutes. This is my fetish. However, is this the brain that I have to work with for the rest of my life?!  I have a sinking feeling that this dream won't come true which is why I fear the future. It will be dismal and passionless. I might pray for this to come true, but is the kind of prayer that God would answer? 

There aren't too many if any old prostitutes in this town. 

I fear that my fetish will never come true. I wasted my life. My life is a waste of time. 

Today, I went to the beach. The sunshine was perfect and the experience was magical. This would be the light of the Spring sakidori. Sakidori in Japanese means the precursor, in this case of Spring. The Spring sakidori is the most magical and beautiful. The light of early Spring brings back the magic of life to me. The music of Jean-Luc Ponty added to the magic particularly the song Tender Memories from his Storytelling album and the songs Aurora Part 1 and Part 2. 

I am using my new  2018 model ASUS E402 laptop computer now. My old computer is now retired. The ASUS computer has a smaller screen than my old Compaq computer. That's progress. 

Thursday, December 29, 2022 

I visited the Catholic Church for part of the daily mass. The preacher said that it is through struggle that brings us closer to God. 

I tried to visit Heather but she wasn't home. 

I then went to the James Bay Inn restaurant and had a steak sandwich which was the lunch special sold for almost $10 less than usual. 

I then went to the beach and Holland Point Park. Beckley Major looks beautiful. My dream is to live there one day. 

I went to Thrifty Foods and got some rice and some tuna. Then I went to the Library. Someone forgot their bag and I ran half a block down the street to tell him. The Librarian said that I went above and beyond. 

When a person reaches enlightenment, everything looks beautiful. 

I totally forgot last night's dream. 

Very bad news. Heather is in the hospital for an undisclosed condition. I will try to visit her.

I went to visit Heather in the hospital tonight. After a 3 hour wait, the hospital was reluctant to give me much information. I asked if she was going to die. They said, Not in the next few hours. She's having difficulty breathing. The nurse who visits her and looks after her said Heather seemed frail.

I should have visited her on Boxing Day. I should have stayed over night with her on Christmas Eve. She was at home then. 

No wonder I feared the future. Why does my life have to be one gut punch after another?

Pessimistically, I fear that she'll die. But if she doesn't, I'll have to be working for her for life. Which I would be willing to do. 

Originally I was going to visit her next in two weeks. I thought that me visiting her and working for her would hinder her independence. 

With a friend like this, there is no good end. Either she dies and that is gut wrenching. Or else I'll have to work for her for life leading to me having caregiver burnout and a nervous breakdown. The forces of life really have it in for me. I never knew that my life would be this fucked up. 

Heather could love. The hospital healed cases a lot worse than hers. 

A few times I thought someone was going to die and they didn't such as Douglas Bloch and his hip replacement surgery or my friend Al when he went to the hospital for 5 days due to trochantic bursitis. 

I myself think that I'll die at age 70. 

Prince Philip went to the hospital at least half a dozen times over the last 15 years of his life and each time I thought he was going to die. Like a cat, each person has 9 lives. 

I hope Heather makes it. If she doesn't I should 

a) kill myself with a heroin overdose. Then me and Heather would be like Romeo and Juliet. I can't go on without Heather. 

Or b) move back to Vancouver. This town would be saturated with memories of Heather and also sadness. 

Friday, December 30, 2022

From midnight to 2 am, I saw The Duke on blu ray borrowed from the Library. It's about an old man named Brampton Hampton or something like that, who stole a Francisco Goya painting of the Duke of Wellington from the museum because he was protesting about wanting old people to be able to watch television in England without paying a license fee. In England, one has to pay a license to listen to the radio and pay a separate license fee to watch television. In the year 2000, England passed a law that people over 75 didn't have to pay a license fee to watch television. 

In England, one also has to pay a council tax on top of their rent. See, in North America, these fees don't exist. But to see a doctor or even to stay at a hospital in England is generally cheaper than in North America so it balances out. 

Brampton Hampton was eventually somehow caught and he admitted to doing it. The public sympathized with him so he didn't have to spend time in prison. I fell asleep for part of the movie since it was almost 2:30 am as I was finished watching the movie. 

Last night I saw Bill Clinton in my dream. He was wearing a light grey blazer. 

This morning I went to Fairway market. I got salt and pepper squid and Singapore fried noodles. They really cram and overstuff the takeout buckets so you get a lot for the money. 

Then I went home. After eating the fried noodles, there was a knock on the door. The landlord called and it was the hospital saying it was OK for me to go visit Heather at the ICU. I went to see her today. She was sedated with all kinds of tubes running in and out of her body. I noticed that she was on propofol. That's what Michael Jackson died of which anyone can if they abuse that drug. There are street level drugs and surgical grade drugs. Propofol is a surgical grade drug. Her heart rate at 125/63 with various fluctuations which is in the range of normal. Regular heartrate is 115/80 although it ranges from 90/60 to 120/80. Higher than 140/90 equals high blood pressure. When I was on ecstacy that time, my heart rate was 165/54. Systolic/diastolic. 

I told the nurse at the hospital that I would be back sometime next week to see her again. 

I didn't see any doctors at the hospital. A doctor at the hospital is the majorly one. The doctors are the rock stars. A doctor is on another level from a nurse. Doctors have encyclopedic knowledge. I wonder if quantum computers are used in hospitals. 

I love Heather. I love my Beebs. 

"You'll see Jay again my friend." Peter Piper, Run DMC

I'll see Beebs again, my friend. 

Paxlovid is a new and effective drug against Covid. It even rhymes with Covid. 

Premier John Horgan stepped down as Premier of BC despite winning an election in a historic landslide. Then he appointed David Eby as Premier resulting in a bait and switch. Usually an incumbent political leader quits just as an election is called. But there isn't going to be a BC election for at least two years leaving BC with an appointed but not elected Premier. This happens in politics. PM Brian Mulroney quit and appointed Kim Campbell as PM a year before the next election was held. 

In the US, Richard Nixon resigned and appointed Gerald Ford two years before the next election. Nixon's Vice President Spiro Agnew had resigned a year before Nixon did. 

John Horgan won in a landslide because disaffected British Columbians didn't want to vote for the Liberals again as a New York Times article described the money laundering and speculation real estate atmosphere of Premier Christy Clark's Liberals as 'the Wild West'. 

Premier David Eby is a good Premier. He is working on a solution to the Housing Crisis and he is building a new state of the art mental hospital on the scale of the old Riverview and Esso Dale mental hospitals. 

Riverview was for garden variety mental cases. 

Essondale was a mental hospital for the criminally insane. 

My friend Charles once wrote a poem:

"Give a hoot, give a cheer

Not from Harvard, not from Yale, 

We're the boys from Essondale."

Thats quite the irreverent poem. That's pure genius poetry, not doggerel. 

I found out today that someone in my hotel who lived on the floor I stay on died on Christmas Eve. He died at the hospital. He had painful bone cancer and was euthanized. 

Saturday, December 31, 2022

Last day of the year, wake up in fear. 

Morning don't know what to do with the day

What can I say? 

I had a dream and Joe Flaherty of SCTV appeared in my dream. He was portraying an East European agent. The setting of the dream was at night. 

I worry about Heather. Seeing her at the hospital with all those tubes was a scary sight. Yet people at the hospital see that all the time. 

End of another year and what a year it was. I discovered some great music on YouTube. I went to Vancouver twice. I sat in a DBox seat for the first time. I even met the local politician representing my neighborhood. It was also a year spent mostly in fear and lots of anxiety. 

My commitment to God and Jesus was increased this year and unlike years previous, I no longer even think about suicide. However much I fear, I must go on living. I must revere life. My fears are my own. They are not that of God. Before I used to believe in heaven. Now I'm not so sure about the afterlife. 

Today I went to Sidney BC. I saw Avatar The Way of Water. It was a 3 hour 15 minute movie. The ending of the movie was like a James Bond movie with explosions at a compound. The movie is a metaphor. However the person we are in our dreams isn't the avatar for the person we are in waking life. It's that the person we are in waking life is the avatar for the person we are in our dreams. The Natives or First Nations people believe this. 

Then I went to Sidney Harbour Chinese Restaurant and had Shanghai noodles. 

I came home and not getting off at the bus stop where I usually get off to visit Heather after a trip to Sidney just about killed me. I worry so much about Heather. 

Pastor Joel Osteen said that many things he worried about in life never came to pass. My friend said to me don't worry. Heather will be well again in a few days and I will have worried for nothing. I'm committed to being with and helping Heather for life. I'd be willing to marry her but people on welfare don't usually get married. Cohabitation couples on welfare get less welfare money to discourage people from breeding. But then a mother with a child gets more money anyways so that cancels that out. 

I won't drink beer this New Years Eve. I quit alcohol a long time ago. Beer gives me a headache. 

I'm visiting Heather at the hospital early next week. I love Heather so much.