March 2023

Wednesday, March 1, 2023

I believe in God and Jesus. I give my personage over to the will of God which is the will of good. Deciding to be good and to do good in the name of Jesus doesn't always mean that life is going to be easy. Being good means making the difficult choices of helping a friend in need when abandoning and not helping them would be much easier. Being good means making a donation to a Church or temple however often when never ever donating at all would be much easier. 

Today I went with Heather to her bank. Then we went to Burger King. At Burger King an extremely loud and aggressive and belligerent man walked in. He first said to me, "You better not get in my way!" Then he felt that someone went ahead of him in line and he really went at it. He first called the man a weasel. Then he called the man all kinds of aggressive names and threatened violence on several occasions. At one point his partial denture fell out and went under Heather's scooter. I got the denture out from the scooter and handed it back to the aggressive man. He didn't say anything to me when I did it. When the Burger King employee said that they would call the Police, the man said, "Go ahead. I have five warrants for my arrest!" Which reminded me of Dr Evazan in STAR WARS when he said, "We're wanted men! I have the death sentence on 12 systems!" 

This town has a lot of wackos. Once every few weeks to once every few months I will see someone yelling aggressively at a restaurant. 

There are all kinds of traumas in life. I would rather deal with 10 incidents of someone yelling angrily and aggressively at a restaurant than to go through major surgery even though the doctor is talking in soft and comforting tones. 

Often these angry episodes from wackos and delinquents are a death omen or else an omen of something else notorious and egregious. Someone I know or know of like a celebrity I have known all my life has died. Or they are omens to something notorious. On January 6, 2021, someone yelled at me aggressively on the street and wanted to fight me. Nothing came of it. But that day was the day of the Capitol Building Insurrection. Today I found out that the mammoth tusks at the Royal BC Museum were painted pink by protestors. The paint has since been removed. 

I don't know if anything will ever happen to this person. The Police aren't interested unless it's a major incident like if a gun or a knife was used. Just yelling wouldn't interest the Police as there are at least 20 incidents of people flipping out at this place or that place in this town every day. Plus a couple of dozen road rage incidents every day. 

I wonder if that guy at Burger King lives above me. He dropped his bag in a way that reminded me of how the guy who lives upstairs often drops his bag. I never met the guy upstairs. I talked to someone who met the guy upstairs. He said that the guy who lives above me has dirty sandy blonde hair. Just like the guy at BK. He said that the guy wears a black jacket. The guy at BK wore a red jacket. He said that they guy who lives upstairs is skinny about age 35 to 40. He said that the guy who lives above me is a psychopath. He talked to him once and that was enough as he had an anger coming from his eyes. However I have never seen that guy at Burger King in my building. I would have recognized him. This is not the first time nor the last time I have seen someone yelling at some place or other in this town. One time years ago, I saw this guy yelling at the manager at McDonald's saying, "You are done, son!" The McDonald's downtown in this town is known for having someone flip out there just about every day. 

In the afternoon, I took a walk around downtown. I was worried that I might see that guy again but I never did. Then I went to the downtown public market and got some sushi. I got the cheapest sushi because I'm not a millionaire. 

Then I went and visited Heather again. 

Today I saw the movie A Man Called Otto. In the movie Tom Hanks portrays an old curmudgeon which is an antithesis to his role as Mr Rogers. Otto used to have a wife but she got paralyzed and then died of cancer. He tried to commit suicide a few times in order to join her. But each time his suicide attempt got thwarted. He saw a ghost of his wife telling him to go on living because people need him. It was a good movie. 

Yesterday I saw the movie Bodies Bodies Bodies. At a party someone is found dead. The people at the party think that there is a murderer and that the murderer is one of the guests at the party. At some point, some of them start killing one another. Then it is revealed via cell phone camera that the person who was found dead killed himself due to a stupid accident. So there was no murderer. But their suspicions and overactive imaginations took over. Life is like that. Napoleon said, "Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained with incompetence." In other words, it's not a conspiracy, it's just incompetence. Bodies Bodies Bodies, bbb or else 666 is a good movie. It talks about the murky recesses of the human imagination's tendency to the negative. 

Pete Davidson is a good actor. At one point he was on SNL and a lot of people worried about him because he talked about self harm. He did a lot of skits on SNL portraying different personalities. In BBB, he was a totally different actor who was different than any of his roles on SNL, He is a dynamic actor and very well trained and very well skilled as an actor. He has a bright future as an actor. He could be in any movie and do it well. Lee Pace was in this movie too. He was King Thranduil in the hobbit. Lee Pace looks like he could be at home in the West Side of Vancouver which is a very wealthy neighborhood. Lee Pace has the face of a very rich man. Some people, their face looks very rich. Anna Kendrick has a very rich face too. She has the face of someone who could wear the very utmost richest fashions at Pacific Centre Mall in Vancouver and look very natural and at home doing it. Anna Kendrick has the face of someone who could wear the very utmost richest fashions in New York and Los Angeles which is another level up from Vancouver and look very natural and at home doing it as well. 

I don't know if I have the face of a rich man. I'm thinking probably not. 

Thursday, March 2, 2023

Last night, I stayed over at Heather's. She said her heater didn't work anymore. I brought my heater over and offered to get her a new heater from Walmart but her apartment heater was working. 

At Heather's I watched a movie, We Have A Ghost on the Miixy app on my tablet. It is the movie of a ghost called Ernest  who haunts the house of a Black family. The Black family film the ghost on their cellphone camera. The video goes viral and this attracts the attention of the CIA. I didn't know the CIA would be interested in ghosts. I thought that was more of an FBI kind of thing. The family succeed in getting Ernest the ghost to go back into the light. As Ernest the ghost is going back into the light, his ghostly body disintegrates into small golden specks that spiral upwards which reminds me of a dream I had three days previously. In the dream I was in a yard at night and I saw these spiralling small golden specks spiraling into the sky as a voice said, "These are spirits going to heaven." Hollywood is 100% real as the saying goes. 

Today, I went and got a hair cut at a hair salon. 

I feel fear and some anxiety about the future. How am I supposed to love the rest of my life? How long will I live? I fear life and I fear death too. Every day is boring and it is a struggle to figure out what to do. I do the same things over and over again every day. Will I ever be happy again? I feel blissful only when I listen to music and look at scene of streets and buildings either on YouTube videos or else on Google maps or else while walking down the streets of the town I live in. This town is a beautiful town and has the population and pace of life that Vancouver did in the 1940s. 

Whenever I smoke weed, I think that people are planning to kill me. Why didn't they do it years ago? Why trade a larger window of time for a smaller window of time? 

"Ninjas will track families for decades waiting for the perfect moment to strike." Blade of the 47 Ronin, movie

Movies to watch on Miixy

- On The Line starring Mel Gibson

- Bandit starring Mel Gibson

- Alice Darling starring Anna Kendrick

Today I watched the movies Smile and The Outfit. Smile is a weird preposterous horror movie and as I was watching it, I was wondering who greenlit such a movie. The acting and the performances were good and the performers were trying their best to use their acting skills to prop up such a preposterous storyline of a movie. 

The Outfit was a really good movie. There were only ten actors in the entire movie and a lot of the time, there are only 2 or 3 actors on screen. It had the production values of a Broadway play. It was a very good movie. Strong solid performances. Great storyline and also a bit of a twist ending. The movie is about 2 gangsters who seek shelter in a tailor shop after a shootout and how things go wrong for the gangsters but go well for the tailor and his female assistant. 

Wayne Shorter, jazz musician died on March 2, 2023. He was a great musician. RIP

Friday, March 3, 2023

I went to Craigdarroch Castle and I walked past the art gallery. 

Then I returned to my apartment room. 

Boring day. I had lunch then an afternoon nap and dreamed a dream that I have forgotten. 

My worries about the future and getting old never stop. It seems that getting old is pointless. I can't give up on life because what if the afterlife is worse after having given up on life? There will always be that thought that giving up on life was unnecessary and was completely preventable. There are lots who go through the same or worse who haven't given up on life. 

Old age doesn't have to be great or spectacular. It just has to be. Even if the sex drive is just about completely gone, there are Priests and nuns who have taken vows of abstinence who still live lives full of meaning. 

Saturday, March 4, 2023

Today I visited sweet Heather. I got her a $4.39 egg mcmuffin with sausage. In the afternoon she got me a $8 sushi and a $1 apple fritter plus she got me a $1 bottle of Schweppes ginger ale and a $1 bag of ketchup chips. She was very kind to me today. 

This morning I got a $21 jar of truffle salt. I thought I lost my old jar of truffle salt. Later on I found it and it was still  one-quarter to one-thirds full. That's $21 of needless expenditure! Truffle salt is good with anything. Ramen, rice stir fry and also egg mcmuffin. I can give my old jar of truffle salt to someone but no one in my apartment building likes truffles. I asked them! Who doesn't like truffles? 

Truffles once in a while is OK. Every day and you get tired of it. 

$21 isn't a major catastrophe. It's not like spending thousands and thousands of dollars on a BMW. Although seriously, I want a refurbished 80s BMW. But those cars are about 40 years old. The dynamic has changed. 80s BMW's are so John Hughes and John Woo movies. 80s BMW. Do you want an 80s mixed CD with that? Well yes I would! The new BMWs look so much like Japanese cars. You're just paying for the name. A new Toyota runs better and is more reliable than a new BMW of the same price. Any car of any model is fun to drive. But the novelty soon wears off and driving becomes a chore and a hassle. And there are so many jerks on the road. I want and I don't want a BMW at the same time. One cancels the other one out. 

Last night I watched the Brexit movie starring Benedict Cumberbatch. The movie said Brexit used data mining algorithms and was largely financed by Robert Mercer who made a very large campaign contribution to the Republicans in 2016 during the US election. These Facebook data mining algorithms were used to sway undecided voters. The movie said there were three types of voters, decided for, well that's redundant, decided against, well that's in the garbage and undecided, use data mining algorithms to find them and get them to decide using emotionally charged language like take back control. 

Then I watched John Carpenters Starman. Jeff Bridges was the Starman who is a humanoid alien. He brought a deer back to life. He had to reach a location in time for his alien species to take him home on a spaceship. He accomplishes this task but are aliens real or not? Why would Hollywood spend so much money making alien movies and why would the government allow it if aliens were a classified secret? It's humans basic urge to ask questions. If we're here, is life also on other planets? If we could build ships to sail on the seas, and since we have technology could something else with technology a hundred thousand to a million years more advanced than our technology build ships to travel across the sea of stars? Humans have been asking such questions since Jesus' time and before, I'm sure. 

I'm thinking why would they? If the aliens could build such technology, Earth would seem like a backwater to them. And travelling on a spaceship could drive one mad to the point of panic attack and nervous breakdown. It's the planet lengths that do it. Once a person in a spaceship is more than a hundred thousand planet lengths away and that person works that out in their mind, that's when the mind totally snaps. So the Star Wars paradigm of casually sitting in a glorified tin can going at hyperspace wouldn't be possible psychologically. Everyone aboard that ship would experience a psychological breakdown. Their minds would snap. That's projection. My mind would snap. I don't know about enyone else's. 

To be a father, one has to be 3 things, a nurturer, a provider and a protector. I could be a nurturer but I'm not rich enough to be a provider. And also I'm a coward. I didn't fight that person at Burger King. I'm not a protector. Drill sergeants in the army say, "It's not the rifle that kills. It's the hard heart that kills. If you don't have a hard heart, you will hesitate and at which point the enemy will get a bead on you and kill you!" A person can know a few or even all the martial arts moves but if they don't have a spirit of a fighter or a hard heart, they will be a coward. Very few people if any are born with a hard heart or a fighting spirit. It has to be trained like in the Army or in the Police Force. I saw lots of angry threatening people and they were yelling too and I never fought them and walked away knowing I'm a coward. The character John Flory in the George Orwell novel Burmese Days was a self described coward. A coward can never be a good father. One has to protect their children because there are lots of creeps out there. Tom Hanks had to protect his daughter in the movie News of the World because some disturbing creeps were after his daughter. Tom Hanks was a good protector. 

I won't ever be a father and at nearly 53 years of age, that bird has flown. That ship has sailed. To be a good protective father, a man has to carry a gun on him at all times. If any creeps go after the children, the father has to shoot them dead, he has to literally gun them down like a dog in the street. 

Mothers are uncannily protective. A mother bear can and will protect her children against male bears that are larger than her. 

This afternoon while watching a house listing video in Sapperton on YouTube, I discovered the group Dusty Decks. They have a modern jazz sound. Sapperton is in New Westminster, BC. I'd like to live there but I'd miss Heather. Victoria BC is a very funky town. I only wish they'd open up the 3rd floor of the Royal BC Museum soon. That third floor is closed for no reason due to bureaucratic wrangles. It's a dilemma. On the one hand they want the third floor to highlight and display Native history. On the other hand, the Natives demand all their old masks and totem poles back to be repatriated to wherever they came from. What's there left to display? I guess a few dioramas and artifacts that the Natives would allow to be displayed in a museum. The 3rd floor of the museum was a vital part of local culture and a huge tourist draw. There's already not that much to do here and to close the 3rd floor of the museum is economically unsound. Well, the museum admission without the 3rd floor is $16. With the 3rd floor it's $31 or more. It pays to get an annual pass. The annual pass is about $70 and it pays for itself in just 3 visits. But one can visit unlimited times in one year. The museum really does have a nostalgic atmosphere. The Vancouver Museum and the Maritime Museum of Vancouver is even more nostalgic. Intense sweet feelings of nostalgia. 

I very much recommend Frank Gambale: New Boots and Humpty Dumpty. 

The version of New Boots I most recommend is with Frank Gambale and Alain Reider on YouTube. 

Sunday, March 5, 2023

All of your thoughts are based on knowing just some the facts. 

And never the other way around which is some of your thoughts are based on knowing all of the facts. 

All of your thoughts are based on not knowing all the facts. 

Isaiah 46: 3-4 From the womb to even in advanced old age, God will carry you. 

I went to the Presbyterian Church today and I worked the soundboard. 

In the afternoon, I went to see Superdogs at the IMAX theater. It was very inspiring. Dogs can smell very well and are used for search and rescue. Plus therapy dogs can smell anxiety as anxiety gives off a scent. Therapy dogs will stop walking completely when a person has anxiety at which point when the owner pets them, the anxiety is relieved. Petting an animal slows the pulse and causes the person as well as the animal release oxytocin. 

After that, I went to a cello concerto at the Church. Cello music isn't my type of music but I liked the concerto. 

I still feel fear of the future. My sex drive has dramatically decreased and I think I'm dying because of this. However I did speak with a few people and they told me this is natural and that I'm not dying. 

Although Heather is very sweet, I still wonder if I'll ever meet a lady who I will have sexual chemistry with. I'm thinking that I might not so I dread the future. I fear life but I also fear death. 

This is based on not knowing all the facts. I think the human species will end in 200 years or even 100 years. Being 52 and I might live til 90 that's another 40 years. I wouldn't want to be 20 and expected to live another 70 years. What would the world look like? At 8 billion, if the population doubles every 30 years or so, in 90 years the population will be 64 billion. In 1990 the world population was 5.2 billion people and today its 8 billion. In 210 years, the Earth's human population will be 1 trillion and 24 billion people! Think of all the plants and animals required for food and all the sewage produced. That's too much. 

At some point, masses of humans will have to be sterilized at birth or during childhood. Males would be chemically sterilized and females would have to have a hysterectomy during their childhood. Male animals are neutered and female animals are spayed. Only 5% of the human population would be able to have children. Sex can still be had but no births would result which would be a boon for men who don't want to be on the hook for child support with the expected parental burnout as a result and it would also be a boon for women who don't want the pain, hassle, health anxiety and possibly dying in childbirth. Well a childhood hysterectomy is risky so instead there would be some chemical means to circumvent any chance of childbirth such as a legally enforced regimen of anti fertility pills aka birth control pills for life.  

The SOGI 123 curriculum in schools, Sexual Orientation Gender Identity curriculum in schools is certainly something that wasn't taught when I went to school. The modern SOGI curriculum tacitly encourages people to pursue alternative or LGBTQ lifestyles to reduce the chances of breeding thus expanding an already beleaguered population. What was once an alternative lifestyle is soon becoming a mainstream lifestyle. 

Right Wingers and conservative Christians don't like the SOGI educational agenda. Donald Trump doesn't like it. Most boomers, Gen-Xers Gen-Yers and millennials are cisgender and heterosexual. Post millennials though, are another thing... 

"In the year twenty five twenty five..." Zager and Evans, old song

"In olden days a glimpse of stocking was simply shocking but goodness knows, Anything goes." old song 

These days, anything goes. Live and let live. 

I myself love women and I have a thing for older women. I would be willing to pay money for sex whenever it is available. 

Monday, March 6, 2023

Today I went with Heather to St Vincent de Paul for tax preparation. We went at 11:30 and waited until 12:30. Waste of time. Tax preparation is from 9am to 11.30am. We're going again on another day. 

Days are boring. Life is repetitive in a backwater town fishbowl existence. There's more to do in Vancouver but after a year its the same town over and over again too. Vancouver too eventually becomes repetitive. Vancouver is a sprawling city and to do anything you have to take the bus or drive a car and that costs money. Buses in Vancouver can be super crowded. In Victoria you can walk to most places. 

This afternoon I discovered a jazz song from Bermudez Triangle called Luego Mi Amor. I don't understand what that means as I don't speak German. Just joking. Spanish. 

Religion isn't so much about addressing the spiritual needs of the masses as it does about addressing the Earthly needs of a certain subclass of people. Priests, Pastors have a cushy job which is less strenuous than being a dishwasher or construction worker. Priest or Pastor is a white collar job. 

A Pastor is required to have a lot of faith or else he is required to believe in his own BS more than the average person. Or so it seems. Pastors get their faith reinforced as parishioners often approach pastors about the NDEs experienced in the hospital which includes visions of Jesus and angels. Also Pastors attend the deathbed of a lot of people to give final function and again, the dying tell of visions of Jesus and angels. Pastors see a lot of things like that. Also lots of Pastors have had experiences with seeing ghosts too. It's these experiences that set them apart and make them a good Priest or Pastor. 

Today I watched the movie Fatherhood starting Kevin Hart. It's a good move. Mother dies and a father raises daughter by himself. He soon meets a stepmother to the daughter. 

Tuesday, March 7, 2023

Today I went to the James Bay Inn. I had a Denver sandwich and a Caesar Salas for $12. That's 90s prices. The meal included a lengthwise quarter slice of dill pickle. The Caesar salad is a prebiotic. The pickle is a probiotic. Then 8 went to Holland Point park. Holland podejścia 

The weather was perfect with the heavenly light of spring time. All the rest of the year was made for the heavenly light of spring time. 

Winter is the worst season of the year. Some countries on earth have no winter such as the countries around the equator. The music from the Jean-Luc Ponty album Aurora is perfect for Spring time. It's a magical album. It was released in 1976 and is either timeless or else ahead of its time. Sadly when I was first into the music of JLP I was mainly into the albums Cosmic Messenger, A Taste for Passion, Civilized Evil, Individual Choice and Open Mind. It was only in the last two years that I discovered Upon the Wings of Music, Aurora and Enigmatic Ocean. Those are great albums. I had the albums Aurora and Enigmatic Ocean in the 80s, listened to it once but glossed over it for whatever damned reason. I wish I hadn't. Those are masterful albums. I'm glad I lived long enough to know those albums. I'm glad I didn't give up on life years ago otherwise I would have never gotten to know those albums. I have survivors guilt. My mother died in 1970 when I was young. I wish she had lived so that she could have enjoyed this music. Question is, would she have been into this music as there is no accounting for taste. Even though I am nearly 53 I think of my mother ever day. 

The term burnout is misleading. It is too generalized and nebulous. The term should be chronic and long term exhaustion. And also feeling trapped like you can't help yourself from working or care giving even though you want to due to guilt. That's why burnout is specifically labeled with the situations that are a trap such as marital burnout, parental burnout and caregiver burnout. 

Marriage is a trap as divorce costs a lot of money. = trap. 

Being a parent is a trap because of the belief that no one could or would take care of your children as well as you do. = trap. 

Caregiver burnout, if you don't care for the person no one else would and that person would die. = trap. 

All exhaustion is recoverable. I had short term exhaustion in 1988 when I went skiing. I went on do many downhill runs that I just stood there on the slope unable to move. I felt so tired and exhausted. People above me on the chairlift laughed and told me to keep moving. I recovered from that. 

Recovery from burnout or chronic long term exhaustion requires a lot of sleep. And stop drinking caffeine. You need 8 hours of sleep a night plus afternoon naps and lots of it. Drinking tea with chamomile and Valerian root helps. It takes months to heal from burnout. You can't work 7 days a week. That kills. You need as many days off as possible every week. The best thing is to have 7 days off work per week. 

Also don't give in to guilt thinking, "If I don't work to care for them, they will die without me." instead, psyche yourself into thinking, "They will probably die anyways with or without my help if they are at this point. What do I care if they die? I'm not legally required nor qualified nor licensed to be their caregiver. If they're going to die, then they should die and be damned to them." 

James Joyce for Beginners. James Joyce's father to his dying mother, "If you're going to die, then die and be damned to you!" 

It's difficult to stand aside and see anyone die when you can do something about it so the caregiver guilt will remain. But perhaps the guilt is delusional as people are stronger and more resourceful than they look and even if you didn't help them, they would still survive and possibly look better than they did before. 

I have an interview coming up at my bank for a $500 credit card as you need a credit card to stay at a hotel in Vancouver. I'd also like to try a night at the James Bay Inn as it's on my bucket list. I had $5,500 in 3 credit cards 12 years ago that I maxxed out and couldn't afford to pay back. But it's been 12 years and credit card debt is written off as a business loss after 7 to 10 years. Would I be expected to pay off the old credit card debt plus what, 12 years interest? I wouldn't be able to afford it. The worst thing is I get declined for a credit card. $500 is a low amount for a credit card so if I max it out I could possibly pay it back. I hope I'm able to stay at hotels in Vancouver as I refuse to stay at a hostel. The hotels of choice are the Barclay Hotel on Robson at $120 a night or else Carey Centre at UBC for $220 a night at where I would live out my dream of living near or at UBC even for just one night but $220 a night is very very pricey. I hope I don't get declined otherwise I won't be able to stay overnight at a hotel. During the Golden Era between 1950 and 1980, you could stay at any hotel with cash only and hotels weren't as expensive then but wages then weren't as high as they are now. 

Walmart gives credit cards but all that happens is a quick phone call and you get approved. No interview. Walmart would approve just about anyone but the Walmart credit card is a $3,000 credit card which is exorbitant. 

But an interview means if approved, the credit card is approved after the interview, hopefully no follow up phone call. I had anxiety about getting a $500 credit card. Too overwhelming. But I'm getting over my anxiety and my anxiety was caffeine induced which means it wasn't a true anxiety. True anxiety comes without caffeine. Travel when you are young or relatively young. But I've seen old people in their 70s who are still traveling. Never too old to travel. 

Today a miracle. I found the saxophone version of Bermudez Triangle - Luego Mi Amor which means Then My Love in Spanish. The original version with the violin is beautiful too but the saxophone version is heaven itself. Search Bermudez Triangle Luego Mi Amor sax version on YouTube. 

Tonight I thought I lost my tweezers and my photograph of me and Herbessa. After looking for an hour, I found them. 

My backpack has a hole in it. A mouse chewed through it. 

In 2014 my black and white drawing had the bottom chewed away. A neighbor moved in who likes to feed mice and birds and that week about 40 mice entered my room and chewed up all kinds of things including that picture. That's life. I don't feed mice and birds so the forces of life has to, just has to, have someone move in next to me who feeds mice and birds. Damn the forces of life sometimes. That guy still loves there and still feeds mice and birds. I could have lived in the downtown Eastside of Vancouver and not have a neighbor who feeds mice and birds. The neighbor on the other side of me used to flip out all the time and yell and throw around furniture. Then years ago I had a neighbor living downstairs who used to turn up his bass stereo really loud for 13 hours a day and a neighbor upstairs who used to invite people in off the street to party and there were usually about 7 people in that room stomping and moving chairs and dropping bottles. Some years all that was going simultaneously. No wonder I had a nervous breakdown and developed anxiety. Life just has to do that to me. It was a real shit sandwich. Rooms to the left and to the right and downstairs and upstairs were a problem. Meanwhile I practice zen meditation and that was the kind of energy I got in return. That's life sometimes. Generate a certain kind of energy only t get another and worse kind of energy in return. I sometimes wonder if there is a God. That's the will of God just like my mother dying when I was an infant was the will of God. No wonder I think of giving up on life all the time. 

Nowadays the guy next door doesn't flip out. The landlord threatened him with eviction and he hasn't flipped out for years. But at one point whenever he flipped out I would leave my room and go for a walk or visit Heather when she was staying in this hotel room. That guy would wait in the hallways whenever I returned as if he expected me to stay in my room when he flipped out and was offended that I didn't. Bonkers low class low grade personalities. The partying guy upstairs moved out years ago. He used to defecate all over himself and in the hallways and that was when the landlord kicked him out. Yet after he was evicted, for a couple of weeks he used to clean the front windows of the hotel in an attempt to get the landlord to let him live in the hotel again. I practice zen meditation and he sensed that zen energy that this hotel has and that whatever place he moved to doesn't have and he wanted to return. The guy downstairs was evicted too years ago. The music was too loud and he had all kinds of people in his room partying. Drinking beer and smoking crack and listening to loud music and it was the same songs over and over again like he had a CD player and would put on the same songs over and over again. 

My life is the shits but compared to who? Not compared to the guy who is a paraplegic or an amputee. Not compared to the guy living in a tent and who is hooked on fentanyl and meth - intravenously and jug hitting. 

But paint a picture of the perfect life and if your life differs from that image, then the result is depression. My perfect life is a very quiet place in the enclaves of Kitsilano or near UBC. British Properties in Vancouver is nice but that area is a suburban backwater. It's a prosaic suburban set up although upper class suburban set up. You'd need a car to go anywhere from the British properties. There are no stores not even convenience stores in the British properties and they like it like that. Cars are expensive and are a hassle. With a lot of car drivers they live in a car driving universe where they generate a certain kind of energy only to get another and worse kind of energy in return. Considerate thoughtful driver meets inconsiderate thoughtless driver. That's a reality and it's an insufferable dispensing from the forces of life. If I had a car I'd be a considerate thoughtful driver and so naturally I'd be guaranteed to encounter the most thoughtless pigs on the road. Not everyday but often enough. 

The British properties now have all kinds of Chinese and East Indians living there now. That was not always the case. Back then there were laws specifically banning anyone except British people from living in the British properties although why any British person would deign to live in a  colonialist backwater that is Vancouver rather than the heart of culture and finance that is London is baffling. Back then it was the days of the British Raj and give the bearer 40 lashes and Britannia Rules The Waves and the British were known as the most destructive force on Earth. Anyone who wasn't White was deemed inferior and subjugated. Even White people who weren't English like the Irish with the IRA Provos and the Scottish with their endless independence movements and referendums let alone anyone who was German or French or Spanish or hard core Scandinavian was suspect. Even British who didn't tow the line were dealt with in a lethal manner such as Prince George Duke of Kent, Lord Louis Mountbatten and Princess Diana. When you call someone a member of a superior race that creates a complacency that can lead to all kinds of errors in judgement. 

It's a lot cooler now. But the British Royal Family is a shadow and a watered down version of what they once were. I have health related worries about the sausage fingers of King Charles and whether he'd live to see 10 years on the Throne. Although it seems on the surface that Prince Haz and Megxit are in America much to the chagrin of the BRF in England, my private theory is that Meghan was planted by the BRF to lure Prince Harry away to America. Game of Thrones House of the Dragon taught that those in line to the throne are better off having any close rivals to the throne as far away as possible which is why Prince Daemon was exiled to Driftmark or Driftwood or wherever to reduce any threats to Princess Rhaenarys right of succession. And again when Aegon the Second took control of the throne, he found it necessary to get Princess Rhaenarys as far away as possible first. But Princess Rhaenarys sent the dragon Meley and thus got back the crown. 

There are plans within plans and to say that the Royal Family has court intrigues is an understatement. 

King Charles Crown is the imperial crown which has raised arches raised towards the center. Queen Elizabeth had the Royal Crown which has depressed arches towards the center. Of course King Charles can't wear the Royal Crown which has the Kohinoor diamond which is lethal and cursed to males but is harmless to females. 

Wednesday, March 8, 2023

Today me and Heather went to the tax preparation office. I thought it would take a long time and be a terrible experience. It went fast and was a smooth experience. 

Then me and Heather went to McDonald's. 

In the afternoon I went to the food bank then to Yates Market for ground beef and a bottle of root beer. Root beer has no caffeine. I am allergic to caffeine. I drank some caffeine a few days ago and was beside myself with anxiety. 

I had an afternoon nap and dreamed that I visited a friend and then hid in a carpet rolled up lengthwise. The carpet had holes with string mesh. I saw out of the holes. My friend had 3 male visitors. One was holding a baby. Through the carpet I held the baby's right foot and kissed the bottom of the foot. 

Then I visited a sports bar. I had my legs straight up in the air and my feet touching the wall behind. The manager told me to put my feet down. My old friend from years ago, Jeremy's sister was there. 

I feel boredom and worry about the future. 

The idea of heaven and the afterlife isn't universal throughout time. The idea of heaven and the afterlife wasn't always about white clouds, pearly gates and Jesus. The Egyptians believed in weighing your heart on a scale against a feather. If your heart was heavier than the feather a crocodile headed demi God would devour you. And that was at one time firmly believed in for centuries. 

Before God was referred to as God, he was known as Wotan or Marduk or Sargon the Destroyer. 

The difficulties of life teach that its better to not reincarnate and live life to begin with. There are not many generations left to reincarnated in. Humans will be gone from the Earth in less than 200 years for sure, at the rate things are going. It's a 100% guarantee that the human species will be gone from the Earth in less than 200 years. The Holocene era or anthropocene era will be over. 

Thursday, March 2023

These last few weeks I have extended the time between waking up and having my first smoke of tobacco. It's been extended to at least one hour. To have a smoke right when first waking up in the morning is degenerate and depraved. I go for that first smoke to get the morning headrush whch is silly. Carbon monoxide molecules bond to the platelets of the red blood cells 200 times more than oxygen which explains the morning headrush. I don't like the taste of tobacco. I don't like the feel of tobacco. One day I'll be able to extend the delay of smoking tobacco to 24 hours a day or at least to the 16 hours I am awake every day. The first few weeks without tobacco will be saturated with a fear of relapse. That's what happened when I quit smoking weed after smoking daily for 32 years. Fear of not knowing what to do now that I'm off it and fear of relapsing into daily use. As it is, I smoke once a month on welfare cheque day. Welfare Wednesday is Mardi Gras even though Mardi means Tuesday in French. Mercredi Gras? 

Today is my interview for a $500 credit card and I am nervous. What if I get declined? There's nothing to be nervous about as credit cards are an anxiety inducing hassle. With credit cards you have to make a purchase every three months at least or the credit card becomes inactive. What if I do get a credit card and then max it out? Maxing out a $500 credit card isn't as big a deal as maxing out a $75,000 credit card. 

Fear of maxing out a credit card is the same as the fear of relapsing into the daily use of a substance such as weed or tobacco. Life is overwhelming and scary. 

I went to the interview. It went really smoothly. My credit score is zero. But the manager said that he will try to get me a $500 credit card anyways. 

I went to Our Place Community Centre. Lunch was a ham submarine sandwich. 

I visited Heather in the afternoon. We went to a Chinese restaurant. Then I went and got her some blue eye shadow, an inexpensive brand. 

That's twice in one week now. I thought I lost a book called Emily Carr Heart of a Peacock. I looked everywhere. Sometimes looking at the same place at least twice which proves Einstein's words: Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. So I went to Russell books and sunk the price of $17 to get another copy. Turns out I hid the book in the knapsack that the mouse chewed. That's $17 down the drain as the bookstore has a no refund policy. There was a pretty older lady who works at Russell books stocking books. She is really cute and she smiled at me a few times which made me think that on some level she knew the entire story of what is going on. She is kind of hot actually. There are lots of hot older women in Victoria BC. Maybe my sex drive isn't gone after all. 

Heart of a Peacock has a chapter titled Woo's Life which is the story of Emily Carr's monkey. 

I got a phone call on the hotels message phone. My credit card got approved. My landlord who answered the phone said, "It was the bank. The thing you applied for got approved. What did you apply for?" 

I said, "I applied for a $500 credit card so I could stay at a hotel in Vancouver for one or two nights."

He said, "$500 may not be enough. A hotel might charge $650 on your credit card. If they inspect the room and see no damage, then they take the charge off your credit card right away."

I looked online and saw that hotels will usually accept credit cards with a small credit limit. I will ask the bank manager about this. I never heard of hotels charging $650 on a credit card. That's some figure that the landlord probably pulled out of the air. $650 for what? To rent a room per month at a hotel would be well over $2,000. Why $650 and not $850 or $450 or $1,050?"

I hate it when people tell me bullshit information. 

Again. I was thinking of this synthesizer and saxophone jazz song I heard twice in the early 80s. I even recorded it on cassette but wound up losing the cassette. I tried and tried to look for it and couldn't find it. Obsession. It wasn't that great of a song and has since been eclipsed by other songs. But to have such a mind that would obsess over something like this. Maybe I'm better off dead. With any luck, I might find it accidentally as the Universe can read my mind and help me find it. Don't ask me to sing it over Siri or Shazam or Spotify. Singing the song is geeky and embarrasses me and I don't think I can do it at all. That's life. Spend a couple of hours obsessing over some silly thing. That's life. Nothing better to do. The song made quite an impression on me. There have been times in the past when I merely thought of something and then saw the video on YouTube. That's a direct communication from the Universe and Carl Jung called it synchronicity. Thoughts don't come from the brain. Thoughts come from the collective unconscious. The brain is merely a filter or radio antenna that instantly receives thoughts and then instantly converts it and instantly sends it out again having modified it through the filter of our personality and tendencies. Hopefully I can find the song one day again before I die. The tune plays clearly in my mind yet I don't want to sing it and hopefully I can find it again one day. 

Clues. 

1. It's from the early 80s, circa 1985 or before. 

2. There is synthesizer ebass 1 and saxophone and some drums although the drums are subtle yet there. 

3. It sounds kind of German but the song could be from the States. 

4. It's completely instrumental. 

5. It sounds very fast and sophisticated. 

6. It was played on the jazz radio station in Vancouver in 1985. 

Oh well, that's life. This is the brain that I'm supposed to work with for the rest of my life?! Crazy. Cray cray. Crazy is relative. I saw a guy with neck tats. And I thought my life was overwhelming and anxiety inducing. And I thought that my life is out of control. 

Friday, March 10, 2023

Today I went to the bank and got my credit card approved. If a person has $1,000 in the bank and has a $1,000 credit card, it doesn't mean that they have $2,000. It still means that they have $1,000. A credit card has to be payed back deducted from a bank account. If a person is broke and they got one of those $3,000 from Walmart, it doesn't mean that the person has $3,000. It still means that they are broke. 

At the bank I saw a friend from Sidney BC. He owns a restaurant. He is a great guy. I feel better in life after talking with him. 

I then went to the library. I saw a female security guard I haven't seen for a long time. She is a very friendly lady. 

Today I saw the movie Water for Elephants. It's a great movie about the circus in the 1930s. 

My internet career is dead. I don't get a lot of subscribers in anything I do. Someone at the bank told me, "You have to make what they want to watch, not what you want to watch." It's best if the two things are in sync. For most people, the internet or YouTube doesn't work out for them. A lot of YouTubers e-beg on their videos. They ask viewers to donate to them on PayPal or on patreon. I never do that. The YouTubers with a lot of views regularly ask people to like, share and subscribe. That gets the YouTube algorithm to help them. I never do that because they didn't do that in the old days of television. However there are people 20 years older than me such as Douglas Bloch making videos on YouTube who still ask people to like share and subscribe. Two years ago, Douglas Block had 3,000 subscribers. Today he has almost 90,000 subscribers. 

Even though I don't have 1,000 subscribers, I've seen ads on my YouTube videos. YouTube suppresses my subscriber count and then makes money off my videos through ads. It's a sleazy scene. What a ripoff set up. Corporate greed and exploitation. Don't get involved with YouTube because if it doesn't work out, it's worse than not being on YouTube at all. My videos have a few hundred thousand views but I never got a cent from YouTube. YouTube is a yuppie scam started by some college grads. It's a scam where they make money off people and the normal deal is they pay them nothing in return. 

I would advise anyone not to get involved with doing anything on the internet. Don't make the same mistakes as I did. 

Saturday, March 11, 2023

This morning I took a walk before smoking a cigarette. It's best to allow some time before waking up and having the first smoke. 

"I don't like tobacco. 

I don't like the way it taste. I don't like the way it makes me feel. I'm not a smoker." Pastor Joyce Meyer

She said this to herself everyday for two weeks and then she quit smoking. 

I plan to say this everyday for as long as it takes. I hate tobacco and will betray tobacco. 

This morning I went to the bookstore During my morning walk. I was looking for The Three Pillars of Zen. The bookstore only had a book where a few people other than the author Roshi Philip Kapleau talked about T3PZ. 

The bookstore had another book that Roshi Philip Kapleau wrote called Zen The Merging of East and West. One was a hardcover book. One was the old version in paperback. However one was a newer modern looking edition pictured above that made me feel good looking at the book. It is reminiscent of the books sold at Banyen Books in Vancouver. I got that edition. One of the two copies had an Ex-Libris sticker in it. That didn't make me feel comfortable. I got the copy without the sticker. All three versions of the book available cost $9.99 each. The Three Pillars of Zen is available on Google books for $17.99. The Three Pillars of Zen have accounts of people's enlightenment. In some of them, Roshi Philip Kapleau replies, "You're close but not quite enlightened." However in others, he replies, "You're definitely enlightened!" Reading that book in 1994 caused me to feel really good and enlightened. Tears were running down my face for hours and I was smiling the widest smile ever for hours, and they were happy tears. Those words had a resonance. The Three Pillars of Zen and Zen Flesh Zen Bones are the best books written about Buddhism ever. 

Tricycle Magazine which was a Buddhist magazine published a book about different people writing about Zen Buddhism called Big Sky Mind, Buddhism and the Beat Generation that available at the Vancouver Public Library in 1996. One person wrote, "What about Zen without the Buddhism?" Another person in that book, author William S Burroughs wrote, "The purposes of a Bodhissatva and an artist are different and perhaps not reconcilable. Show me a good Buddhist novelist. When Huxley got Buddhism, he stopped writing novels and wrote Buddhist tracts." 

That book was good too and was a deconstruction of Zen Buddhism. The author is Carole Tonkinson. 

The Beat Generation of the 1960s can be looked at with the same spirit of  historical dissertation as the Transcendentalists of the 1860s. The Beatniks and the Transcendentalists were soldiers who had survived a war and had embarked on a spiritual path to cope with and to compensate for the trauma and horrors they experienced during the war they fought in. In the Transcendentalists case it was the Civil War of 1860 - 1865. And with the Beatniks, it was the Korean War of 1950 - 1953. 

Banyen Books in Vancouver used to be on Broadway. Now it is on 4th Avenue. In my opinion, Banyen Books is the best bookstore on the planet. The vibes of that bookstore. Going into that bookstore was an enlightenment experience in itself. Hippies coming down off acid would go into that bookstore and feel comfortable. 

During my quasi hippie days when I was doing acid, I didn't score with a lot of women at all. A few. I wish I scored with more women but at the same time I'm glad I didn't wind up being on the hook for child support. I never thought that I'd be a good father. I still don't. 

Being a father means commitment and that kind of commitment leads to parental burnout. Caring for a child is a 24 hour a day 7 days a week job. 

A father has to be a nurturer, a provider, and a protector. To be a provider means having a good job and not a minimum wage job. To be a protector means one has to have a strong and a Machiavellian personality that can be turned on and off at will. A Police Officer has that. I don't have that. Even being a nurturer means having a 100% perfect track record even in your thoughts of never being verbally abusive. When the child makes a mistake, to never verbally abuse them but to provide honest and educated answers. That is difficult to do and chances are, one will slip up sometimes and then feel guilty about it for life. Be the 100% perfect father or don't be a father at all. 

The worst outcome is being a parent to a child who turns out to be a bad seed. A bad seed is a child that a parent visits in prison because that child grew up to be someone who killed one or even multiple people. Better to not be a parent at all than to be a parent to a bad seed. That kind of child will ruin a parent's reputation. It's one thing to ruin your reputation because of something you did, but to have your reputation ruined because of something your child did is beyond insufferable. 

Buddhism has meditation and enlightenment which are spiritual technologies that Christianity doesn't have. Meditation is a ritual that involves a level of self discipline that a lot of Christians don't have. 

David Morrell's Rambo was a Zen Buddhist rather than a Christian. 

Enlightenment is a higher level of consciousness and this aspect attracted hippies to Buddhism because £sd and even marijuana brought about a different and even a higher level of consciousness whereas Christianity is more prosaic. One accepts a Christ but their state of mind and level of consciousness is just as it was before. 

Christianity has a God who watches over you and protects you and is accessible to all Christians who believe. Christianity also has an avatar who is the son of God although the crucifixion seems abstract and bizarre and Buddhism doesn't have anything like that. There is no God who looks out of you and protects you as such in Buddhism. In Buddhism, enlightenment is dependent on your efforts alone and only enlightenment allows one to understand God but that can only be attained through enlightenment. In Buddhism a Buddhist teacher can certify a person when they reach enlightenment but such a system is prone to politics and favoritism and the possibility that Buddhist Priests can withhold a person's certification of enlightenment due to various personal politics and jealousies. Enlightenment is a subjective experience so how can it be evaluated based on any kind of objective criteria? 

In Buddhism there is a lot of bowing and scraping and in some schools of Buddhism a Priest can hit a meditator on the back with a stick called a kyosaku which is abstract and surreal and bizarre. 

Buddhism is very esoteric and full of tautological and teleological teachings.

Christianity says that all you need is faith. 

All religions are kind of wacky and crazy. Such variables in the existential equation are the perameters of life on Earth and I often wonder why I even bothered being born and living. There is too much bullshit when it comes to life on Earth and anyone choosing to be born on Earth is way in over their head. 

Tara, Tibetan thangka painting. Very psychedelic and £sd friendly. 

Buddha, Tibetan thangka painting. Banyen Books in Vancouver specializes in things like this. 

All books about Zen Buddhism have a gentle esoteric pacing. 

I thought I was going to plop down $12.99 for Big Sky Mind on Google Books just to read the chapter in it about William S Burroughs. As it turned out I got to read it for free. Bing.com is a very powerful search engine and through it I got the internet archive of books which let me borrow Big Sky Mind for an hour. 

Vancouver was the main center of Buddhist Practice for me. Vancouver has the Vancouver Zen Center, it had Lions Gate Buddhist Priory and has the Thai Buddhist Temple on Pender and Semlin. Dawson Creek had absolutely no Buddhist places at all, what a backwater. Victoria BC has a few Buddhist places but no Japanese Zen or Thai Buddhist places. There is a Tibetan Buddhist meditation place and a few Chinese and Vietnamese Buddhist places. Of all the Buddhist schools, I like Japanese Zen and the Thailand Buddhist traditions the best. Victoria is a bit of a backwater, no Japanese Zen or Thailand Buddhist places. What the hell am I doing here? It seems that I've reverted back to Christianity over these last few years. 

Whether it's Buddhism or Christianity, it seems that one is simply trading one set of advantages and disadvantages for another. Hippies and people into the psychedelic drugs such as mushrooms and Lsd would prefer Buddhism over Christianity. 

Buddhism teaches that life is a punishment and that you have to keep coming back until you get it right. Whereas in Christianity everyone automatically reaches parinirvana which is the state of non returning to Earth because Christians simply don't believe in reincarnation or else they once did but the Council of Niceaea did away with that belief. 

Religions can say any kind of twaddle they want because there is no objective and empirical way to prove what happens after death. You just have to take someone's word for it. Even beyond near death experiences are death bed visions of the dying who have no motive to lie about what they are seeing. But the visions and experiences of the dying aren't 100% universal. Only a percentile see angels and Jesus. A small percentage reported seeing demons or dark entities as they were dying. These are the people who spent their lives being angry and an inconvenience to just about everyone they ever met. These are delinquents that didn't add to the world and make it better, rather they took away from the world and made it worse. 

Buddhism has a lot of White people as adherents and a lot of Black people too as well as the expected Asians. However Buddhism has very few Native people. Native people have their own beliefs just as intense and potent. Native people are shamanistic and believe in the teaching and guiding power of entheogenic plants such as amanita muscaria etc. Also dreams are very important to the Native religion. Whereas Christianity and Buddhism eschew dreams as a peripheral phenomenon, the Native religion views dreams as central to a person's spiritual and consciousness make up. 

Islam is one religion that I do not know very much about. What I know about Islam could fit into a thimble. I do know that Islam is very beautiful and mystical such as the writings of Kahlil Gibram and the writings of the Rubiyat Khayim. Islam talks about spirits in dreams and in the afterlife who although known as old in life, appear as young in the afterlife and in dreams. There are the 4 birds of Islam. Similar to Christianity, Islam teaches that there is a God that watches over you and protects you. 

There is a bit of a learning curve to Islam and one that I never attempted because I don't want to send out too many signals of interest and be possibly converted. I am more than comfortable being a Christian although it's kind of square and being a Buddhist although it's kind of flaky. 

There are other religions such as Hinduism which Buddhism is an offshoot of just as Protestant Christianity is an offshoot of Catholicism which is an offshoot of Judaism. 

Jainism, Mithraism, Zoroastrianism, so many religions. No wonder the World is so overwhelming. 

Today I visited Heather and me and her went to McDonald's. Afterwards I went to Shoppers Drug Mart and got a Google Play card so I could get The Three Pillars of Zen on Google books. Also I got a butter chicken on sale for $3.79. 

Sunday, March 12, 2023

Daylight savings time. Spring forward, fall back. It's 5:45 am as I write this. No sleep yet. I think I'll skip Christian Church today. I'm thinking too much about Buddhism. Religion can be quite mentally and spiritually obstreperous. 

I went to the Pres. Church this morning. 

Then I went to visit Heather. We went to Save On Foods. 

Haiku:

Afternoon, another boring afternoon. 

I so dread the future. 

At the Presbyterian Church I go to, there is a delinquent. He looks about age 55 and he has a crew cut. After prayers, everyone else says amen softly. He says it loudly. 

Two weeks ago during a cello concerto at the Church, everyone just clapped when the songs were over. The delinquent yelled, "Whoop! Very good! Thank you! Bravo!" and then he started sneezing and coughing loudly for about 15 minutes non stop. Undisciplined uncivilized delinquent. 

Then, last Sunday at after Church coffee hour I was sitting with the preacher and another guy from Church. The delinquent shows up for coffee hour and he makes a motion that he would sit at the table where I'm sitting. Because I practice meditation I give off this vibe which delinquents think is somehow  approachable. Sensing that the delinquent might sit down at the table where I'm sitting, I get up and walk to another table and just as I'm about to sit down I looked up and saw that the delinquent was walking towards me! That's when I get up and just leave. I look back and see the delinquent sitting at a table alone and looking sullen and crestfallen. No one else would sit with him. I don't blame them. Everyone else at Church is civilized and well mannered while the delinquent is uncouth. I'm thinking of quitting going to coffee hour or quitting that Church altogether. Most Churches if not all Churches have delinquents that visit from time to time. 

Monday, March 13, 2023

This morning I went for a walk when I woke up. I went to the bank to ask about getting my credit card ad details thereof. 

In the afternoon I went to the James Bay Inn and had chicken pot pie with TexMex soup. The soup tasted like chili in soup form. It was good. 

I walked to the beach but then I had togo to the bathroom really bad. It was one of the worst cases in my life. I held it in for 45 minutes until I walked to the museum to use the bathroom. 

I found two books today. 1. The Long Walk, Stephen King. 2. You are a Badass, Jen Sincero. 

I feel really screwed up about Suzie. I haven't visited her for a long time. The last time I visited her was before Queen Elizabeth died. I figure that it's not a problem if I don't visit her anymore. If I visit her, I still get hooked into the bad energy jangle. I hope I never see Suzie again. I get a lot of signs about her especially people on the internet, in books and in movies named Sue or Susan or Suzie. So many Suzies in this World. My old hamster from years ago was a hamster I named Suzie. Suzie was a beast. Suzie the hamster ate her own babies. Hamsters do that. But the hamsters eat the babies before nerve endings develop so the babies feel no pain. 

The Suzie I haven't been visiting had promised for two years to give me a ride in her BMW M series. I had been intrigued about the BMW M series since I was 18. I even bought and built a model of the BMW M series. I painted it black. If I could do it over again, I'd have painted it red. I want a red BMW. 

In the movie Cannery Row, a character named, guess what, Suzie said, "Don't make me wait to long or I'm going to go sour about the whole thing." 

Suzie promising me for two years made me go sour on the whole thing about getting a ride in her BMW M series. The engine of a BMW M series sounds different than the engine of a normal BMW. Is this what my life has come to? I would rather that my mother had aborted me than to have my life come to this. I even told Suzie that I wish my mother had aborted me. Suzie said, "Don't think that because you're awesome!" Anyways my life is all screwed up in the head. Suzie was a nice enough lady but I don't owe anyone a lifelong friendship. Suzie will never give me a ride in her BMW M series. Why did the forces of life have to bring me such a bad energy jangle. My life is at the point of being insufferable. I wonder what my future is going to look like. 

"I'd keep away from Runaround Sue." old song. 

Suzie had been giving me the runaround but the bottom line is that she owes me nothing and I owe her nothing. She doesn't owe me a ride and I don't owe it to her to visit her anymore. 

The only cure is to meet someone else who has a BMW M series who will give me a quick ride. I would be willing to pay money for that ride as long as the price is reasonable. Are there any Ubers or Lyfts that are a BMW M series? Uber and Lyft cars are usually more prosaic. 

BMW M series is a gimmick. I care nothing about a BMW X series although I got a few rides in that in Dawson Creek. And let's face it, Mercedes and Lamborghini is better than a BMW M series and since I was 15, I have always wanted a ride in a Lamborghini Countach. There's no more Countach, but there's Lamborghini Murciellago and Lamborghini Gallardo.

The man who made Lamborghini originally made engines for tractors. 

The blue and white emblem of a BMW is a spinning propeller blade. BMW made the engines of the planes of World War 1. After the war, as part of a disarmament treaty, BMW wasn't allowed to make any more military planes so BMW concentrated on making cars. The BMWs of the 60s looked like Minions on wheels and the early 70s BMWs looked insectoid. The 80s BMWs looked best. The 90s and after BMWs look like standard issue Japanese cars and they lost their distinct look and took on a more generic look so with BMW now you're paying more for the name than for the look. BMW doesn't use thir own automatic transmission. BMW uses XF transmission which is the same standard issue transmission as Mercedes and Jaguar uses. 

Cars are a money pit. You can be the most careful most considerate and thoughtful driver in the World but guaranteed, and as typical, the forces of life will bring your way the most thoughtless and inconsiderate drivers you can encounter on the road. When it comes to being an asshole, the forces of life will always find a way. Life itself is a broken platform. Life is a pernicious and defective algorithm. I'm not sure that I want a car. Not even a BMW M Series. 

The BMW that I would otherwise want is 4 door and standard transmission. 2 door and automatic transmission = bullshit! 

The other point of anxiety is Heather. She's a nice enough lady but I often make myself be her caregiver. I want to see her comfortable but this is getting to be a drain. Do I have to be her caregiver for life? I offer her skill and thoughtfulness. In return I get no skill and a kind of thoughtlessness. 

The female YouTube therapist Mel Robbins often talks about letting go of situations that no longer serve you. 

But Heather is very sweet and I often leave her feeling completely loved. Heather always tell me that I'm not fucked in the head although I always tell her otherwise. Life is so overwhelming that I'm convinced tat I've lost my sanity. Heather is so sweet that if she were any sweeter, she'd be a walking lump of honey. 

I give her some skills in the bedroom but she can not reciprocate with the compensatory set of skills. I give something and get nothing in return. That's what the forces of life have done to me. 

William Burroughs once wrote, "Never stay with a dud." 

I don't think that I'll ever find the ideal girlfriend. I'll never find my soulmate which is why I wonder how I could go on living. Maybe my life will end soon due to a heart attack or a stroke. Who knows? That would be preferable to a life that's going nowhere. 

I only visit Heather and I don't visit Suzie and only visit Heather because 1 bullshit situation in life is better than two bullshit situations. One day I hope to part from Heather but only in the most mutually agreeable terms. At this point I'll be stuck with Heather for life. 

The movie Bodies Bodies Bodies a character said to a female character, "You don't love your boyfriend. You don't even like him. You're only together because you want to be comfortable and don't want to be alone. Which is what makes you a coward."

In strange and difficult times, the words of Pastor Joel Osteen help a lot. He said that," Trouble is transportation. It will lead you to the next and greater step in your life." and," Instead of worrying about where you are, think of how far you've come. You may not be better than where you want to be but you're better than where you were." Pastor Joel Osteen said," Everyone has strong and weak points. You might leave the person you are with for their weak points but the next person you meet will be weak where the person you left was strong." Heather is very sweet and loving and very mellow. Heather is generous. The next girlfriend I meet might be very very beautiful and skilled in the bedroom but Heather has a certain sweetness that I'd always miss. 

" You met me at a very strange time in my life." Fight Club

Pastor Joel Osteen also said, "God will help you find a way where you don't see a way."  The only thing left for me to do is to relax and to trust that God is guiding me. I have to trust that God is taking care of me as he takes care of all believers and a lot of non believers too. Either that or else I would give up on life if only a feasible and viable way to do it presented itself to me like having a dream I don't want to wake up from and during the dream I get the choice of whether I want to wake up or not. 

What a night! At 1 am, I walked down the hall to look out the window. I saw a delinquent but only from the back. He was wearing a black hoody and shorts, the left hand half of the shorts was red the other half was black and he was wearing long red stockings. At first he bent down to tie his right shoe. Then he picked up a piece of wood and threw it into the glass front door of the Royal Bank. He threw it a second time and made a hole big enough for him to walk through which he did. I left and got my camera to see if I could film him but he was already gone. 

The Police showed up a few minutes later and I went to tell them what I saw. The Police had already arrested the suspect. I made an audio statement that the Police recorded. 

The bank has primary doors, a small hall and then secondary doors. The holding area has surveillance cameras and its very well lit. The secondary doors are made with an invisible mesh netting and is bulletproof and breakproof. The delinquent went into the area and then left very soon after. 

I was shocked at what I saw. There are delinquents in this town for sure. 

Tuesday, March 14, 2023

The morning after:

This morning I went on a long walk before my morning smoke of tobacco. I walked to Fisherman's Wharf. Lots of friendly ladies in town smiled and said hi to me on the streets. 

I returned home and then took some pictures of the bank as you can see. 

The delinquent was probably protesting the closure of 2 banks in the United States and there was a run on the bank as there were so many people making withdrawals that the bank couldn't honor all withdrawals. 

Banks in China closed leaving a lot of disgruntled protestors. 

Canada has the big 6 banks with $100,000 depositors insurance for all clients. HSBC is an international bank with branches all over. I visited the HSBC Bank on Rachawithi Road in Bangkok years ago. 

The United States doesn't have a big 6 bank system and the banks in the US that closed were two smaller banks out of hundreds of banking the US. 

"The Bank of Loup went bust. Happens all the time to sodbuster banks in the Territory. I lost more than my fair share of that wildcat paper!" The Homesman, starring Tommy Lee Jones

Would a Canadian style Big 6 banking system work in the US? Probably not. Canada has ten Provinces and 35 million people. The US has 50 States with 2 non contiguous States such as Alaska and Hawaii, each State with their own banking regulations and a population of 350 million people. 

I went to an East Indian restaurant and I went to a video store and got a copy of Ghostbusters on DVD on sale for $1. Not pricey. 

I feel slight yet permeating fear all day. Slight traces of anxiety but not like the massive megalothalon of anxiety I felt months ago. 

Today I visited Heather to tell her that Big Brother was on at 7 today. She already knew. 

Wednesday, March 15, 2023

I went to the Library and then went to a Japanese food store to get some onagiri. Someone was walking on the street and he was right in front of me and then walked in to the store that I was walking in to got two onagiri. The forces of life had to bring something like that my way. It just had to! There were plenty of onagiri left and whether he was 3 seconds in front of me or twenty minutes, what's the difference?

One time in Vancouver in 1999, I went to a store to get some BBQ pork. There were 4 pieces left. The person in front of me in line got all 4 of the last pieces left. That's life. Walking down the street, coasting along normally and then all of a sudden an unpleasant surprise. Time and time again. Life is a defective and broken algorithm. I often think that life isn't worth living and why I even bothered to live as long as I did. 

I watched the movie Embattled two nights ago. In one scene, a math teacher said, "All the great mathematicians were a little insane." That's comforting because I think I'm insane. I wish I was 100% perfect. Yesterday I talked to a Pastor and told him that I wish that I could be 100% perfect and normal like the people at Church and like the Pastor too. The Pastor laughed and said," Oh no. There is not a person in Church who is 100% perfect and normal myself included. We all have clay on out feet." 

At first glance, everyone else at Church seems perfect. There is a saying, "If you can't spot the idiot in the room, that means you're the idiot." 

In another scene, a woman talks about the poem Welcome To Holland. The poem is a metaphor about a lady who has a retarded child. In the poem, she plans a trip to Italy. She made plans and even learned some Italian. She prepared the plans for the hotels, museums and spas and seaside visits. But then her plane wound up in Holland instead. Now she has to make new plans and to learn some Dutch. Instead of comparing herself to her friends who are living it up in Italy, she makes sure to enjoy where she is otherwise she might miss out on the beauty the Holland has to offer. 

One of the characters in the movie is a retarded child. The father in the movie is an absolute psychopath. 

Just because a person can go to the bathroom they don't automatically think that they have what it takes to get an A ticket in plumbing. 

But just because most people are able to sire children into this world, they think they have what it takes to be a parent. 

There is no license required to be a parent like there is license required to be able to drive a car or be a hairdresser or even to own a gun. So therefore all kinds of delinquents, psychopaths and 8th grade dropouts become parents and then raise children who grow up to live in a tent on the street and be a drug addict or else children who grow up and be in prison because they killed someone or robbed a bank etc. 

Thursday, March 16, 2023

I saw Heather in the hotel lobby today. The timing was cosmic. I had a computer screen with a built in computer with Windows 11. I was taking it to the pawn shop so me and Heather went to the pawn shop. The pawn shop wouldn't accept it so I wound up giving the computer to Heather. In the afternoon, me and Heather went to McDonald's. 

I went to the library and the Library gave me a censure letter. And this is during a time when I am struggling with debilitating anxiety. 

It seems that on Wednesday, I saw a Librarian on the street and I said her name and said hi to her. She said she was in a hurry and walked away. She complained about that. I got these kind of letters from the Library before. 

My neighbour too got one of these letters when he was belligerent to a Librarian and even swore at her because the Library said he didn't return a DVD when he actually did return it. That was years ago and since then he just doesn't go to the Library anymore as there are more than enough free movies available on the internet. Actually, about three-quarters of the people in my rooming house hotel don't go to the Library ever. 

The manager Librarian said the Library doesn't like it when patrons say hi to the Librarians on the street using their name. 

It seems I have to walk on eggshells when it comes to that Library. I worried all night about it. I'm a worrier. However I didn't do anything that I couldn't live with. 

People work in patterns. That Library no doubt sends a lot of patrons those kind of censure letters every year. The letter included a whole retinue and  litany of possible infractions and my infraction highlighted in yellow marker was one of a few possible reasons that anyone could get a letter from them. Letters are officious. I'm thinking of quitting going to the Library because all their branches are like that. I'm not legally required to go there!

And barring a person from going to a place that they weren't legally required to go to in the first place is redundant. 

"Any group that would have me as a member, I don't want to join." Groucho Marx

I'm sure that every year quite a few people get these censure letters and every year a few Librarians themselves get fired or else have the manager give them a third degree and that's on the years that the managers themselves don't get fired for one reason or another. 

The internet is full of examples of such letters as such letters are pretty standard. 

Search: warning letters to employees. 

The classic warning letter to employees has a list of infractions including the predictable 

- chronic tardiness

- insubordination 

- showing up to work drunk

- absenteeism

- theft of office supplies

- chronic refusal to work overtime 

- etc 

Troubles come in all shapes and sizes. At least this problem didn't involve me:

- getting verbally abused or insulted or called a racial slur. 

- getting beaten up. 

- having to dish out any money and lots of it. 

- getting arrested and incarcerated. 

- having some health problem resulting in hospitalization. 

The Library was funny about it. They said I had committed an infraction but was otherwise welcome to return to the Library to borrow books, DVDs, Blu rays, etc. 

The letter is dated March 11, but me seeing the Librarian and saying hi to her on the street was yesterday which was March 15. Baffling. 

March 11. 3/11. 3 x 11 = 33. Freemason. 

This letter want even signed too. It's just a generalized form letter. 

The Library manager did mention another incident but that incident was 8 years ago and there hasn't been an incident since. The incident was that I talked to a Librarian and I briefly and quickly touched the top of her hand in passing. Again, it isn't anything I couldn't live with. The Library and I myself will bring up incidents that people did years ago. There's things that people did to me decades ago that I still remember. I don't hold a grudge or try not to. Pastor Joel Osteen and Douglas Bloch said that holding a grduge is like drinking poison and expecting the person you hold a grudge with to die. Anyways, I really can't think of anything I did just before March 11 to warrant a censure letter. 

I've been to other Libraries in other towns for years and never got any letters. This town is a small town and an officious town, fewer people so smaller incidents become a center shot and stand out more. Libraries in bigger towns don't have the time to micromanage and only the most extreme and most egregious incidents would warrant their attention. Maybe I should move to another town one day. It's one more reason to move to another town anyways. I'm not sure that I would move to another town one day but I'm also not sure that I wouldn't. 

Strange that the Library would have such pristine exacting social standards. Have you seen some of the DVD videos available at the Library? Some videos at the Library portray 

"acts of perversion so profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here." Animal House 

Well, in the grand scheme of things, if the Library was that angry with me, they would have called the Police on me which they didn't. 

God love the Police, but a person could live in a tent on Hastings Street in Vancouver while running a chop shop and selling stolen items and using as well as selling hard drugs and sexually assaulting young 19 year old or younger women* in their tent and do it for months on end and still not get arrested, it seems. Baffling. 

*source: Debbie Hellion and the Apocalypse. YouTube. 

Pastor Joyce Meyer once said that sometimes God will allow a person to go through a certain kind of problem so that they can help people in the future who would go through the same kind of problem. If anyone is ever given a censure letter from the library, don't worry about it. The library dispenses these kinds of letters regularly like some kind of vending machine. The library would probably feel a loss of a sense of purpose if it didn't do it. It's their strange raison d'etre. Even if you get barred, remember that you were never legally required to go there to begin with. The library is after all, a place where someone can advance their moochy modus operandum and free loading agenda. It's a place where people can swag books and DVS and movies. 

In the evening I visited Heather again because I was so worried about the Library. When I told Heather about the letter I got from the Library, she laughed and thought it was funny. She said it wasn't anything to worry about. See, that's why I love Heather. In a lot of ways, she is smarter than I am. She is a sweet lady. She is a great lady. I do love her and will be with her for life. 

This month has been full of troubles. The angry guy at Burger King on March 1, my neighbours brother died, seeing the delinquent break the glass front door of the Royal Bank and then now the censure letter from the Library. 

It seems that in my life, every year is a year from hell. It's gotten to the point where I don't know if I believe in heaven or not. When it comes to the afterlife, all bets are off. I can easily see this level of chaos and stress being transferable from this earthly dimension to the afterlife dimension. 

Anyone who advances any notion of heaven is like Moses the Raven and Sugarcandy Mountain from George Orwell's Animal Farm. 

In the movie Father Stu, Father Stu said that suffering brings us closer to Christ. Jesus got accused, arraigned and sentenced to crucifixion and for what? What bad thing to anyone did Jesus do? I'm sure Jesus didn't do anything that he himself couldn't live with. It's like Napoleonic Law; guilty until proven innocent and je t'accuse. The human world is a pernicious defective existential algorithm. 

But it's been a good month too. Yesterday, I visited Heather and then saw her on the street just as I was ringing the intercom buzzer to her apartment. And today I saw her in the lobby of my hotel. That's twice in a week. Seeing Heather is a heavenly experience and seeing her is like seeing an angel. 

Today The Why Files talks about reverse speech. David Oates dropped his Walkman in the toilet in 1983. From then in his Walkman only played backwards. He then found that everybody's everyday speech played backwards reveals the truth that the subconscious hides and this happens with everyone every 30 seconds. Record yourself and play it backwards and see what you hear! There are apps that do reverse speech recording on Android! According to The Why Files, the CIA is very interested in reverse speech of people. Police interviewing criminals playing the interview in reverse speech can sometimes find clues as to what really happened. Police forces deny using reverse audio saying it doesn't count as evidence. Indeed, even if the criminal said, "I absolutely did it." in reverse audio would that counted as evidence in court either as direct evidence or hearsay evidence? 

Scientists say that time also flows backwards. After a person dies, they have a life review. They might have an option to watch their whole life backwards with reverse speech all throughout. It would give a new insight on what one thought was their life. Scary. 

The Why Files video even played audio backwards of babies talking and words were heard. 

David Oates has a YouTube channel full of examples of backwards speech recording of celebrities. 

Some examples are better than others. Some are somewhat nonsense but The Why Files says that a lot of backward speech recording sentences contain metaphors. 

This could also be attributed to paredoilia which is seeing distinct shapes or patterns in random objects and spaces or quadrophenia which is drawing invisible lines between things that are inherently non connected. And this could also be attributed to a cognitive bias called random cluster data phenomenon. 

Is this only with speech or with writing too? If a bunch of people can read a rewritten script and the reverse speech recording is different with each person, then it's not an exact science. Different people have unique and different accents, speech cadence and different levels of staccato or inflection on consonants when they speak. 

The scariest reverse audio I heard was from a David Oates video on his channel on YouTube. The video is about Joyce Meyer and in reverse audio, are the words, "My rapes, give it all." Joyce Meyer often  talks about the awful and horrible abuse she suffered under her father. 

Friday, March 17, 2023

Woke up with some fear. But it's important to remember the good thing you have and things that are right in your life rather than endlessly dwelling on the things that you don't have and on things that are wrong in your life. 

Orwell wrote about waking up and then suddenly remembering something unpleasant that happened yesterday. 

With some people, that's an everyday thing with them. 

Today I went to see my sweetness. Heather was doing well. We went to the mall and I got her and myself an A&W double buddy burger that is a burger with two beef patties. Heather is as sweet as ever. 

I acquiesced and went to try to visit Suzie at where she works. She no longer works there. That's life. 

I then went back to my apartment and sank into a morass of fear, boredom, depression and feeling overwhelmed. Douglas Bloch said, This Too Shall Pass. I disagree. My depression has always been with me since my 20s. I'm in my 50s now. Situations may change but general underlying feelings do not. Depression is a lifelong condition. It would be the miracle of the millennium if my depression ever went away. Me getting married would merely be the miracle of the century. 

I don't know how much life means to me. If given two choices and none other, would I prefer to die at 40 or live to 110? I'd rather die at 40. Would I prefer to be very rich and die at age 32 or be poor but die at 90 or 100? I'd rather be rich and die at age 32 like Bruce Lee and John Belushi. 

I'd rather die rich at age 32 a thousand times over. 

Being old sucks. Being old is watching it all go downhill. Physical strength, sex drive, looks, teeth, it all goes away slowly but steadily when one gets old. Old age isn't for sissies. If one is a sissie, they'd most likely be better off skipping old age anyways. This is only speaking for myself. Everyone has their own preference. Some would like to love to be old and some probably wouldn't just as some like strawberry and others like caramel ice cream. It sue didn't work out that way for me. I didn't die at age 32 or 40. I'm left with the struggle and burden of living to this age and who knows how much longer. 

The writer Yukio Mishima killed himself at age 42. He didn't want to endure the insufferability and indignity of the decrepitude of growing old. I admire that he had the guts, no pun intended as he committed ritual seppuku or hari kari, to kill himself. I wouldn't have recommended that method. The best method is to overdose on pure uncut heroin. 

Saturday, March 18, 2023

Woke up feeling fear. If I didn't wake up feeling fear, I'd wake up not feeling anything at all. What I feared that the future would be two years ago, in the last two years those fears have come true. I'm still living in a rooming house and not a nice place like in a suite in a house somewhere nice like Kitsilano or UBC in Vancouver or especially James Bay in Victoria. I still haven't found my soul mate or the woman of my dreams. I do love Heather very much yet I often think that I want a better girlfriend. That's the bad future. Not in not having a better girlfriend but being stuck with a brain that wants a better girlfriend. If I get that better girlfriend, I would most likely eventually want an even better girlfriend then, still. 

"If you're not happy with what you have, you probably won't be happy with the things you want when you get them." Epictetus

Yesterday was supposed to be the day that mentally ill people could get euthanized in Canada. That's been delayed for a year. I think it's been misinterpreted. Before, people with chronic conditions and who really wanted to die were denied due to a mental health criteria like dementia or schizophrenia. These patients lobbied and fought for years for the right to be euthanized for their chronic condition despite their additional mental handicap. 

Wondering about the mental illness of others is not only a National pastime, its become the National obsession with many people being diagnosed with schizophrenia or autism at the drop of a hat. Most of those being diagnosed as such as disproportionately lower or middle class and not as much the upper class. 

There has to be an ontological scapegoat as to why someone isn't successful in spite of talent and hard work. 

- You're not successful and living in a nice house. The fact that government or the public sector is interested in artificial scarcity and price fixing has given in to the forces of unmitigated greed and claim to be progressive but has invariably sold out their country to real estate speculators foreign and domestic and cronyist regulatory forces instead of adopting protectionist policies and the private sector not implementing rent controls and selling out their country because of venality resulting in real estate hyperinflation and a housing crisis in a country that's a backwater but thinks its the center of the Universe and mismanagement on all 3 concurrent levels of government, Federal Provincial and municipal can't have anything to do with why you're not successful. You're not successful because you have autism or schizophrenia. 

A person should never commit suicide. It is not OK to kill yourself. That would set a bad example. Would you want your friends or family members or even beloved casual acquaintances to kill themself? Why should you place a death threat on yourself? You have to believe in the magic and serendipity and providence of God. God might seem like a fable like Santa Claus or the Easter bunny but God is real and is behind the workings of the 

Universe on all dimensions. If someone would believe their is a devil and wouldn't make a deal with the devil that intrinsically means that they believe that there is a God and Jesus as well. 

I think of suicide every day as in I think that I shouldn't and wouldn't do it. At first glance it seems like an abstract offhand escape. But again, it's not setting a good example for others. Go on living, plow on however challenging life is and trust in God. 

Those who make devilish deals may rise to fame quickly and be very famous. Those who dedicate themselves to God have the long and slow road to fame, if fame is ever attained as the fame may or may not accord with the will of God. The road to salvation is narrow, the road to hell is broad. This means to help a friend and to help others when it is easier not to do so and to be lazy. Etc etc. 

I think the human species won't be around in 200 years. But that's just my guess. In 200 years, the population will be about a trillion people and there's so much pollution etc. 

The planet Coruscant in Star Wars has a population of 13 trillion people. Coruscant is an ecumenopolis which is an entire planet covered with a city. 

Me thinking there won't be humans in 200 years or else very few and they'd be back to using bronze age technology is like someone in 1840 thinking, "The industrial revolution just started. At this rate, there won't be any humans on Earth in 200 years. There's about 500 million people on Earth now. By 1900, it will be a billion. If the population was to double every few decades, by 2020, there will be nearly 8 billion people on Earth. Think of the pollution and what William Blake referred to as 'the dark Satanic Mills' in the hymn Jerusalem. He was referring to the industrial chimneys and smokestacks belching black smoke into the air 16 hours a day. Another 200 years of that and its game over for the human species. I doubt that the human species will last to the year 2000."

I think that. I think that in the year 2200, there won't be any humans on Earth. The population will be about a trillion. All Earth's natural resources would be used up. All the trees will be gone. Greenhouse warming due to increased industrialization, oceans will rise. Humans will be gone unless they reach Kardashev 2 or even a full Kardashev 1 level as of right now, humanity is at a Kardashev 0.7 level. 

Things are getting worse and worse. God help us. 

Entropy isn't necessarily about chaos. Entropy is about reaching a state where things can't change anymore. For eg mix very hot water with very cold water. The mixture of water will cool down until it can't and won't get any cooler. That's entropy. 

With Earth and humans, things will fall apart and degenerate like with 

Universe-25 until it can't get any worse. 

The ICC International Criminal Court has placed an areest warrant for Vladimir Putin of Russia. How enforceable is that? 

"A plongeur is too low to be prosecuted." George Orwell, Down and Out in Paris and London

Vladimir Putin is too high to be arrested. A few years ago, the now Ex Chief of Interpol, Meng Hongwei got arrested in China and he wasn't even there to arrest the President of China. If Interpol or any members of the ICC go to Russia to arrest Putin, foreseeably, they themselves will be arrested. They'd have to get past the Russian Guard and Putin's own praetorian guard. There are at least 5 concentric rings of security around any Head of State. Impossible. The letter of the law and the spirit of the law. I doubt that Putin would be arrested. 

Today I went to the Library and there was a Storytime. Anyone could walk around the court yard as pages of a book were displayed one after the other in spaced intervals of a couple of meters each as if in the spirit of social distancing. It's the story of a boy who finds a penguin at his door. He finds out that the penguin belongs in the South Pole so the boy charters a huge ship and then a rowboat to go to the South Pole. After leaving the penguin he misses the penguin. He looks for the penguin and finally they are reunited and the penguin and the boy live together. 

It's a neat but unlikely story. Penguins need cold temperatures and a swimming pool and lots of fish. Penguins need other penguins as they are social animals. Once upon a time penguins lived at the Stanley Park zoo in Vancouver and at Pata zoo in Bangkok. Those days are over as both zoos are now closed permanently. 

I visited Heather again and we went to Dollarama. The screen with built in computer I gave her doesn't work. I turn the computer on but there's no image on the screen. I brought it back to my apartment to see if I could get someone to repair it. 

The Library freaks me out now. Them giving me a letter again when I really genuinely don't think that I did anything wrong. I was trying to be on my best behaviour but they still gave me a note anyways and the Librarian manager accused me of something I didn't do. I went there yesterday and got the impression that the Librarians hate me. That's the human species. The human species can and will talk about something you did that is not wrong as if it was something that you did wrong. 

I'm somewhat scared of going there now. I'm not sure what the future will be. 

Sunday, March 19, 2023

Now I'm afraid to go to the Library. I think that the Librarians all hate me. 

I've had dreams of going to the Library and getting a negative reception, either I was barred from there or else they had a negative report about me. 

Some of these places like community centres and libraries, all they ever do is to write reports about people. A lot of people just wind up not going back. 

I don't believe that things will ever get better. The future is full of difficult years, each year as difficult as the last. There is no happily ever after or any problem free times ever. Each problem that comes and goes will be replaced with a different problem. Life isn't worth living and being born as well as  bringing any one into the World is a big mistake. 

The Library operates on a certain level of officious bureaucratic tension. Every so often they feel that they have to give library patrons these letters of caution but as well I'm sure the Librarians themselves get letters of caution from the manager librarians and even the branch manager librarians get letters from the regional manager librarians or else they feel that they're not diligently doing their job. I doubt that any librarian, not even one, has worked there for a ten year stretch and not gotten at least one letter of caution or censure letter from the manager librarian. These letters don't mean much because even the manager librarian when they were just regular librarians themselves have gotten at least one cautionary letter but they still wound up being a manager librarian anyways. 

Sometimes a patron gets a cautionary letter, sometimes one of the librarians themselves or even the library manager gets a cautionary letter. The library is a real soap opera of court intrigue and office politics. 

Sometimes a person has to get into trouble a bit, to get some dirt on them and to see how they react before other people can trust them. Life is strange that way. 

If you visit the Library once a year, you might not get any letters but visiting once every day or once every other day increases the odds of getting a letter. Usually restaurants etc don't give customers any cautionary letters. A cautionary letter might discourage a customer from visiting that store ever again. Restaurants depend on customers for their economic survival. A library does not. Libraries get a guaranteed minimal funding from the government which a restaurant does not. 

The lists of infractions noted on the cautionary letter casts a wide net so its a good possibility that lots of patrons have gotten these kinds of letters over the years. 

Mean letters from the lower class or from a delinquent is psychodrama. Cautionary letters and missives from the upper class or from bureaucracy is officious. In all cases, negative letters are anal. 

I went to the Presbyterian Church. Two ladies who I thought didn't like me sat with me at coffee hour and were very friendly to me. 

Anxiety causes false thoughts. Joyce Meyer said the devil will torment people with false negative thoughts. One time Joyce Meyer was giving a sermon and a lady in the front row left fifteen minutes into the sermon. Joyce Meyer noticed this and all through the sermon, she was thinking, "That lady must not have liked what I said. She probably hates me." Afterwards, one of her parishioners said to Joyce Meyer, "That lady loves you very much. She drove two hours to come and hear you. She left because she had to go to work."

I visited Heather. We went to Tim Hortons. Upon leaving, as I opened the door for Heather, there were two young guys walking into Tim Hortons. As I was holding the door open for them too, one of them said," Can you spare a dollar?" That's the forces of life at it again. Give out a certain kind of energy only to get another and worse energy in return. Not even a thank you, just more panhandling. This town is full of delinquents. 

Then me and Heather went to see a concert at the street festival. There were all kinds of tents and kiosks selling wares. I thought the performers on stage was Great Big Sea. They sure sounded like them. But the performers said that they were doing a song that Great Big Sea made famous. So it wasn't Great Big Sea. There was a guitarist, a singer, a bassist and a female violinist. At one point the female violinist did an Irish jig. Great moves. She reminded me of a librarian and since I got that letter from the library I'm scared of libraries now. I was distracted and looked away causing me to miss the second half of the jig. I regret that. I would have liked to see the second half of the jig but I didn't know the jig would end so quickly. It lasted for all of two minutes. 

I am doomed with the brain that I have. This is the brain that I have to work with for the rest of my life?! 

I over react when it comes to fear. Before, only a few things would freak me out. For eg when I first went to Bangkok, I saw a lizard crawling on the wall. In Thai, the lizard is called a gingjook. I thought, back in Vancouver the worst things we have are small roaches. Here they have lizards! I flash remembered a Chinese movie where a person opened a cabinet and there was a very large lizard in the cabinet among the stacks of dishes. I thought, there are bigger lizards to come! Another false thought. I never saw any big lizards again except at the zoo where I saw a small komodo dragon. Those komodo dragons full size have been known to go into tents on the beach and eat the people within like they would eat a small deer. Komodo dragons eat people! Don't pet a komodo dragon especially near the mouth or they will bite and chew a hand off. 

Well, now, just about all things in life freak me out. Delinquents on the street, libraries and librarians and even my private thoughts of whether I should grow my mustache and goatee again or not. Thoughts of should I est this or eat that and all indecision freaks me out. I'm brain damaged. I didn't use to be like this. Caffeine gives me anxiety big time. 

I blamed it on the covid 19 vaccine but everyone else I know who got the jab don't get anxiety with caffeine. 

There was a famous British man named Stephen Tenant. He never left his apartment for weeks on end. Well, I'm not at that level. Despite my anxiety, I'm able to go out at least once a day as staying in my apartment all day gives me anxiety but when I go out I encounter other anxiety like social anxiety etc. May God help me. Otherwise I'm better off dead. 

Three days ago, I picked up a book from the free book box. It is titled, Suicide The Forever Decision. I mulled over whether I should pick it up or not. I picked it up. My neighbor saw me carrying the book, saw the title and said, "Suicide?!" I told him that it was a book discouraging suicide. 

I don't go to Sunday afternoon Church anymore. I went to try to get blissful Sunday vibes from going there. That never happened even once. I went to prove to myself that I can be in a social situation again after the pandemic when Churches were closed for months on end. There is no accomplishment in going there. That Church is a cold Church and I never met any friends there. I could go there for ten years and not meet any friends that I can hang out with and who visit me and I visit them. 

Over half the people who live in my rooming house apartment building never go to Church nor to the Library. Maybe they're doing something right. I should be like them! 

When he first got there, William Burroughs wrote of Mexico City, "Mexico City can make you feel like a Prince." and "In Mexico City wishes have a dream power. You think of something or think of someone and that thing will soon appear." After a few months of living there, Burroughs wrote, "Mexico City is a cold ass town."

I think that all towns can be cold. In every town, there are lots of people who are mostly alone and have very few friends. 

Mexico City is as far away from the US Mexico Border as the border of Canada is. Mexico is a big country. The Mercator map of Gerardus Mercator was made in 1569 and distorts the sizes of countries. The Peters projection is a more accurate World map. 

Someone at Church talked about 15 minute cities. A 15 minute city is supposed to be a city where no one can go outside of a 15 minute radius or be fined. That's the conspiracy theory. 

This sounds like the science fiction in where the world is so crowded that different groups of people can only go outside their homes on different alternating days of the week. 

There's 15 minute cities in England. But the island of England aka the Sceptered Isle is 4 times the size of Vancouver Island and has a population of 61 million. Canada is much much larger and has a population of 35 million. 

Population of England, about 53 million plus Wales, 3 million plus Scotland 5 million = 61 million. 

The concept of 15 minute city was started in 2016 and its an idea that someone named Carlos Moreno started. His idea was that everything that a person needs could be accessible within a 15 minute radius such as supermarkets, theatres, post office etc. Or that a 15 minute city only applied to driving cars and not walking or riding the bus. 

If people got fined for leaving their 15 minute radius, then there goes the travel industry. Some restaurants and business depend on the tourist trade. 

No law is 100% enforceable. After decades of losing the war on drugs, authorities in Canada threw up their hands and made marijuana legal federally and possession of hard drugs up to 2.5 grams has been decriminalized. Hard drugs are illegal but all kinds of people use hard drugs and living in tents on Hastings Street in Vancouver and just about never get arrested so there goes the idea of enforcement. 

Monday, March 20, 2023

Woke up with moderate fear today. I saw 3 friends today and they made me feel better about life in general. I found a Polo Ralph Lauren shirt ad a Sidney By The Sea shirt. I went to McDonald's, used a coupon and got a breakfast for 2 for me and Heather. It was 2 sausage egg mcmuffin, 2.hash Browns and 2 coffees for $9 which is 90s prices. I brought truffle salt with me to use with the egg mcmuffin and the hash Browns. Good! 

Yesterday, I saw the movie The Truffle Hunters. A line from the movie, "In the old days it was about having fun, playing with the dogs and being in nature. Today it's all about greed and money."

This is the same with making YouTube videos. Most people quit once they see that they're not making money from it. Making videos is about having fun. The movie The Unbearable Weight of Massive Talent said," Your gifts are from God. To not use your gift is to turn your back on humanity."

My gift is making cartoons on YouTube. However I didn't make money from it and a couple of years ago I had a nervous breakdown, and caregiver burnout and chronic exhaustion. I haven't been the same since. I stopped smoking pot because it makes me feel crazy and paranoid. My sex drive went out the window and I feel anxiety even at the thought of sex. In fact, all things give me anxiety. 

Doing cartoons involves a lot of details and that makes me overwhelmed and anxious. My tablet only has so much memory and the memory is full after three cartoons and I have to delete them. The cartoons have sentimental value and I don't like deleting them. I am a bit of a hoarder. Plus I have no vision for the next cartoon. And taking care of Heather and making sure that she doesn't get worse takes away whatever energy I have for making cartoons. Even at their best my cartoons are amateur. Making cartoons is to juggle so may things and soundtrack and wall to wall dialogue is not my strong point. That's why I have only 333 subscribers after being at it for almost 15 years. My internet career is a failure. I never gt any money ever for any of my writings. 

The depression and anxiety and fear I feel every day is painful. I think of suicide every day yet I know that I must not, should not and could not do it. 

I must go on. I don't know what a happy life looks like. I don't feel happy now but moving is an overwhelming hassle. Whatever new place I live at, I'm only growing older and growing old and that leads to depression. The streets are dirty and full of drug addicted homeless people and all kinds of pan handlers. I see the future as getting worse. 

One good thing the modern era has over the past or the golden era is now I have a big screen TV that in the past, I would have needed to win the lottery to have a TV that big. I have the internet and a tablet with free video games. 

Today I watched the movie Red Snow. Excellent movie. It's about a lady who writes vampire books who secretly harbours a vampire. A vampire hunter and a couple of other vampires go after her and her vampire guest. I didn't think the movie was going to be good so I gave it 20 minutes. Well the movie was good. Very gripping plot and I watched all of the movie. 

I thought I'd be terrified because Interview With The Vampire scared the hell out of me. That is the scariest movie I ever saw in my life because the victims very all very innocent not suspecting that Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt were vampires. It's the unsuspecting innocence of the victims that were scariest of all but probably between takes they were laughing and telling jokes. If I saw the bloopers of that movie then it wouldn't be so scary to me. 

Red Snow wasn't as nearly as scary and dark as IWTV. 

Tuesday, March 21, 2023

First day of Spring. I woke up with some fear but I feel a lot better. 

I went to the James Bay Library then I went to the beach. I went to Thrifty Foods to get some rockfish aka rock bass. Then I got some sushi on sale. 

I had an afternoon nap. I watched two movies. 

Queenpins. It's a true story about a couple of ladies who ran a coupon scam. They were able to get items for free coupons from the printer and then resell them for half the price of the value of the product of the coupon. They made 5 million dollars and then the FBI investigated them and the the US Postal Service agents investigated and arrested them. Great movie. 

Army of One. The true story of a man named Gary Faulkner who was crazy yet did not have psychosis, paranoia or schizophrenia. He went on a mission to Pakistan to look for Osama bin Laden. It's a great movie. 

In this movie Russell Brand said, They say that man is made in God's image, but maybe it's more that God is seen in man's image.

I saw a few friends around town and the town is starting to grow on me after being here for 12 years. I am losing my homesickness for Vancouver replaced with a greater fondness for this town. The World and the Universe is very loving. There is a force greater than the sum of all of human intelligence on Earth. Human intelligence is derived from the cosmic God intelligence that permeates the Universe. There is a unified force greater than the Earth, greater than the solar system, greater than the galaxy, greater than the galactic supercluster that this galaxy is a part of. And greater than the Universe. And that is God. 

The person of faith and love of God has a mutual correspondence and resonance with the God that so much wants to connect with our individual consciousnesses that thinks it's separate but is actually all interconnected on a greater level but also an unperceived level. 

Don't fear the future because the World, the Universe and God is good. But we all have free will and must take care of ourselves. These choices include whether to do drugs all the time or not or whether to get drunk all the time or not etc. Choose God or choose the world of drugs and alcohol. Your choice. Drugs and alcohol is all right only if done in moderation. 

Wednesday, March 22, 2023

I woke up with fear again but that soon wore off. I wake up over thinking about humanity and how no one is 100% good and no one that I can hang out with including myself. 

I went to Shaw Cable and then to Walmart today. When I was at Walmart, I really missed Vancouver. 

I got a Grogu t-shirt for $13. I then went to visit the sweetness of Heather. 

Me and Heather went to McDonald's. I had food anxiety because I have so much food including food that was given to me. 

Since staying in my apartment all day would bring anxiety, I took a walk to the museum. I found out that annual passes are on sale again. Before March 31, the pass is on sale for $63. After that, the price is $70. And after July 16, parts of the 3rd floor will be open again. 

I found an IKEA plate. I walked to the Church. A Priest was there. He said, "God bless." Hopefully so, otherwise I'm doomed. 

I was reflecting that I don't have what it takes to go through old age and my future. I thought of getting myself euthanized so I could skip old age altogether but that's an even worse eventuality. I just have to live and find out what happens. Old age is ghastly and wretched. 

I can never be 100% happy in any town I'm in. Whenever i live in any town, I always want to go and live in another town. The grass is never greener on the other side. And this is the brain I have to work with for the rest of my life? My brain is garbage. 

I was going to smoke some pot seeing that it's welfare day. If the pot is too overwhelming, I put on my doctor's hat and drink two cups of chamomile tea and eat something. That always brings down the effect. 

As it is, I drank a large glass of milkshake and I have some lactose intolerance and my guts have been acting real funny. I decided to quit smoking pot. I'm scared of smoking pot. Smoking pot makes me a druggie and the person who is perfect isn't a druggie. The perfect person doesn't smoke tobacco or weed, doesn't drink coffee or alcohol or do any kind of street drugs at all. And then when I smoke pot, thoughts of "I'm crazy" and "people are planning to kill me" emerge strongly and also thoughts of "I'm a druggie again and therefore am not perfect" also emerge. 

I had some moments of feeling good such as when I saw Susi Lotter's orange bass guitar and when watching a Jerome Forestwood video about North Hastings and Burnaby Heights. But mainly I get these painful feelings in the brain of depression. I watched episode 4, season 3 of the Mandalorian. It was spectacular. So spectacular that I doubt that the upcoming Indiana Jones movie will be that spectacular. It was that spectacular. 

I microdosed some marijuana. I smoked the tiniest pinch in a pipe and then exhaled quickly afterwards, none of this holding it in for 20 seconds. I got a slight buzz but nothing too overwhelming. Microdosing helps if there is a headache or digestion problems like drinking a large milkshake and eating nothing else. 

Thursday, March 23, 2023

Today was a write off. I was outside for only 5 minutes to get some sushi. 

I saw two movies. Where the Scary Things Are. B movie. Ungrounded in reality. Teenagers discover a swamp beast that eats people. They film videos of it that go viral. 

Lost Illusions. French with English subtitles. An impoverished man has an affair with a rich lady. They go to Paris together. The man is a talented poet and using his experience as an apprentice at a printshop, he rises through the ranks in the literary world. Good movie. Lots of smut and soft core porn. The library rented out this video?! I ask that of a lot of videos I've borrowed from the library. Even back to the 1930s and before, libraries would have books on the catalogue to be borrowed and if you read the books, there would be lots of eyebrow raising licentious and lascivious stories. 

In 2004, I found two Polo Ralph Lauren jackets that I left in Dawson Creek. One is a jacket that I rebought at a thrift store. It was a beige Polo soft denim jacket. The other is a yellow puffer jacket that I haven't been able to recover. The jacket was size small anyways. I need it to be sized medium or large. I hope to be able to repurchase this jacket one day. There are PRL puffer jackets but they have a hood. I need one without a hood. Yellow is a good colour but blue is good too. 

The yellow Polo Ralph Lauren jacket that I need, not want, need is pictured above. Polo Ralph Lauren and BMW is 80s heaven. Can you imagine me driving a refurbished red 80s BMW wearing a yellow Polo Ralph Lauren jacket that is pictured above? I can. 

This is my ultimate wish in life. It would be a miracle if I ever get a BMW like this. And it's an M series too. 

I don't care as much for a modern BMW. It's the 80s BMWs that really does it for me. I need the BMW 325 series. 80s BMW 320 series isn't as good. 

Friday, March 24, 2023

I woke up with the usual over thinking thoughts: 

My brain is defective. I wish my mother had aborted me seeing the way my life turned out. If I died at 17, I would have thought that my life had great potential but I otherwise lived and seen that it was basically just shit. 

My friend Charles once said, "Doesn't it bother you that people who aren't as smart as you are doing better than you?" 

That's only irrelevant because I'm still alive. If I was dead, that wouldn't be relevant. Not with the same dynamic. 

Life owes me nothing and I owe life nothing. If life has given up on me, I should also give up on life. Life is as useless to me as I am to life. 

The circle of death is bigger than the circle of life. I should just draw a big black circle around the circle of my life and blot out everything in it. 

Volunteering myself for euthanasia wouldn't do it. All forms of suicide even indirect forms such as volunteering for euthanasia is murder. Suicide is murder of self. 

I just wish that God had given me a reprieve, an early release from the prison that is my life with sudden adult death syndrome or a quick heart attack. It takes 7 minutes to die of a heart attack. It would have been a weird edgy day but it would have soon enough been gotten over with. Then I'd be in the catbird's seat away from the failure that was my life. 

God has given so many others an early reprieve. Why not me? I envy the dead. 

All those homeless addicts who died of an opioid overdose. What did they have to live for exactly?

The value of life is finite just as the nature of life is finite. 

God cheated me out of an early death. My life is otherwise a joke and is the shits. I just hope that I can die in my sleep sooner rather than later. Sllep, have a good dream and then don't wake up again, ever. I hope that God can do me a favor and end my life quickly and gently. 

Today I visited Heather. We went to Burger King after I went with her to the hair salon. 

After that I went home. Another day of depression and anxiety. What were the chances? 

The News said that the VCBC Victoria Cannabis Buyers Club was raided yet again by the CSU Community Safety United. These aren't Victoria Police Officers but a Provincial enforcement task force. The Club moved from their old Johnson Street location to a new place on Balmoral Street. If it wasn't for the News I would have thought they were still on Johnson Street. The new store is even more architecturally inconspicuous than their old place as it is a small shack tucked into an alley. The thing is, it's open right across the street from a Church. The store is open 7 days a week and I'm guessing that the Church might have something to do with the raid from the CSU. Churches in general are known for espousing a drug free lifestyle and for eschewing a drug filled lifestyle. I don't know for sure if the First Metropolitan United Church had something to do with this but I wouldn't be surprised. 

In Israel*, President Benjamin Netanyahu wants to extend his Presidency indefinitely. Russian President Putin and the Chinese President Xi already did the same thing and they were able to get away with it. Netanyahu would be a sort of Kagan or King of Israel. People in Israel are protesting. 

The Israeli finance minister said that Palestinian people don't exist. Those remarks are uncalled for. Palestinian people have been in Israel since time immemorial. It would be like a Canadian politician saying that Native people don't exist. The issues of Palestinian vs Jewish people existed since the dissolution of the Ottoman Empire and the establishment of the Balfour Declaration. I hope that peace will exist in that land one day. Like the rock song says, "Why can't we live together?" 

*source: Global News 

When you do something new, embark on a new life, if you do it long enough, you forget your old life. The pandemic lasted 28 months, at the 4 month mark, I had already forgotten life before the pandemic. So when it was announced that things were more or less going back to normal, I panicked and had a panic attack. I thought I wouldn't be able to cope with being normal again because the pandemic slowed down the pace of life. Things were going to speed up again! Same with a head of state. When he's been in office long enough, he starts to forget life before being head of state. So there is a panic, I imagine. That's perhaps why some heads of state don't want to lose power. 

"Remember your teachings. Those who gain power are afraid to lose it." Revenge of the Sith

"It has been in my life for so long that I don't know anything else." Sigourney Weaver, Aliens 3

Thats what married women probably say about their husband's cock. 

Saturday, March 25, 2022

I woke up unafraid. I had a heavenly dream again last night. It was a dream set in the time of Jesus, sort of. 

Today I went to the Star Wars store and got an action figure and a Princess Leia at the beach greeting card. Then I went to a store in Chinatown to get a bar of fragrant soap, pink colour. I already have green and brown. Pink completes the collection. I keep the soaps near the head of my bed as aromatherapy. 

I went to visit Heather but she wasn't home. I then went to Our Place Community Centre for lunch. I saw three people I know from the morning soup line at the Catholic Church. 

After that I went to Craigdarroch Castle and then returned home. Near the castle I was able to pet a very friendly dog. 

I returned home. A neighbor told me that Heather was over to visit but she missed me. I went to visit Heather. We went to Fatburger restaurant. Then I returned home and had an afternoon nap and a heavenly dream about visiting heavenly Vancouver and the Vancouver museum.

If I visit Vancouver again, should I try to visit Debbie Hellion? She lives on ground zero of the roughest area in Vancouver. Hastings Street and tent city. Why do I get into things like this? Why did I have to meet a friend on YouTube who lives in an apartment located at tent city Vancouver? 

I don't really have to visit her but I often think of moving back to Vancouver and to live in that neighborhood. I wouldn't live on Hastings but on a street  off of Hastings. Like on Cordova or Powell Street. 

My hotel is square. It's about as bad as what Debbie calls a concentrated camp. In my hotel, no pets, no children, no young people, no bathtubs. 

In internment camps like the ones the Japanese stayed in during World War 2, there were children, young people, pets and probably bathtubs. In most third World countries the streets and alleys are full of young people, children, animals. In the hotels of downtown Eastside, the landlord doesn't care if you smoke pot and probably smokes it himself. In my hotel the landlord hates pot, and has a real sanctimonious attitude about it. Most hotels with a no pets rule usually allow hamsters, Guinea pigs etc. Not my hotel. My hotel is a sterilized Western shithole. I hope to move to another hotel and perhaps to Vancouver. I hope that God helps me with this. One can makes efforts to do anything but God's help as well is always great. 

Sunday, March 26, 2023

I went to the Presbyterian Church today and worked the soundboard. I went to sleep after 4 am last night. Dream unremembered or else it didn't make sense. I went 5 hours before having my first smoke of the day. No headrush.

Good. Those first cigarette of the day headrushes are silly. 

Today went really smooth. No disagreements. No yelling delinquents. Nothing seen that was abrasive. I've had lots and lots of momentary bursts of serotonin and nostalgia and basically feeling good when hearing 70s and 80s music. 

After Church I walked to fisherman's wharf and got 2 fish cakes and a salmon pie. 

I miss Nintendo Gameboy Advance and Nintendo DS. So last night and today too I downloaded DS and GBA emulators and lots of games. I didn't need to download 7zip extractor because the GBA and DS games I downloaded are pre-zipped. Isn't technology wonderful? 

I got Donkey Kong Country 1, 2, and 3, Tetris, Big Brain Academy, Polar Express GBA, Chessmaster, Touchmaster 1, 2, and 3, Warioware etc etc etc all for free and on a much bigger screen. The emulators I downloaded are different than the ones before and they work better too. 

I didn't bother downloading a PSP emulator. A lot of the GBA games are less than 10 Mb. PSP games are hundreds of megabytes. Too much storage space needed. 

I might uninstall some games as some aren't as good as I remember they were. When I first got them, they were new and cutting edge. The much newer games on Android has eclipsed them. 

Monday, March 28, 2023

Stay home all day. I am so thrilled to be reunited with an old friend namely the Nintendo GBA and Nintendo DS and with a larger screen, it's back and better than ever before! My brain went into a decline since I lost Big Brain Academy on Nintendo DS. Now it's rebooting up again. 

The app Figgerits on Android had two interesting facts. 

- Only 43% of the body is made up of cells. The rest is microbiomes, bacteria, viruses etc. All living things have some DNA and some RNA. A lot of microbiomes reside in the gut which is why prebiotics such as lettuce and probiotics such as yogurt, dill pickles and kimchee is important. 

- A person can last a month without food but can last only 10 days without sleep. A person can live longer without food than they can without sleep. Don't go weeks and months getting only 3 hours of sleep a night otherwise burnout aka chronic long term exhaustion will happen leading to panic and anxiety and fear will happen. 

Today is the day the Royal BC Museum sells an annual pass again. It costs about $63. I'm holding off for a couple of days. I want to spend more time with my DS and GBA emulators. And I have to as much as possible bring down my daily budgetary average. I'm not rich. If I were, I'd move back to Vancouver. 

But here's the thing. The trick is to focus on the advantages of this town and the disadvantages of another town rather than the other way around. All towns have their set of advantages and disadvantages. 

This town, advantages, slower pace of life. Adventure, traveling. No really bad memories. 

Vancouver disadvantages, faster pace of life. Regression. Lots of bad memories including years on end of verbal abuse and being punched out a few times, lots of sucker punches. In this town, I have been verbally abused but not often. And I never got punched out in this town. Also in Dawson Creek I was seldom verbally abused where seldom is heard a discouraging word, and I never got punched in Dawson Creek. The smaller and slower pace of life of a town, the less likely you are to be verbally abused or punched out. 

The advantages of Vancouver is that there are more things to do. Vancouver has an advanced and futuristic infrastructure. The fashions that people wear are more sophisticated in Vancouver. 

In this town, less than an hour away, and you're out of town. In Vancouver it takes hours to get out of town and you feel swallowed by a huge expanse as Vancouver is a large sprawling city. Buses are often very crowded in Vancouver. In this town bus are less crowded. But it's getting there. Whether in this town or in Vancouver, every year the population increases and never decreases. In Dawson Creek the population seems to have decreased. There were more people there at one time. Social media and the term backwater have made big cities more attractive and small towns less attractive. Small towns are farming communities and there would be no big cities if it weren't for the farms which supply food. 

Bad news: Miixy is gone from the Google play store. That was the best free movie streaming app. Cetus is still there and Orion is there too. Miixy was on another level. I hope that Miixy comes back. The whole world misses Miixy. The whole Universe misses Miixy. 

I saw the movies Tolkien and The Experimenter today. 

Tuesday, March 28, 2023

Woke up totally forgetting last night's dream although at the time it seemed so clear. 

Decided not to visit Suzie despite the forces of life throwing me so many Suzie signs. Last night on the News there was someone called Suzie Mah on the News. Ad despite my wretched defective mind reacting and a reacting to all these Suzie signs. "Whats in a name? A rose by another other name would smell just as sweet." And then to line up with people I don't really want to be with for food I don't really want to eat. The people at the food line are the dregs of society and I've been verbally abused on numerous occasions there although I myself never verbally abused anyone there. Give out a certain kind of energy only to get another and worse kind of energy in return. 

And then I'd get to see Suzie for what, all of two minutes then it's gotta go, gotta go. The whole thing is rushed. 5 minutes to walk there, line up for 10 minutes just to see Suzie for 2 minutes. No thanks. If the shoe was on the other foot, I wouldn't expect Suzie to go through something like that. I wouldn't advise my siblings to go through something like that. Why should I go through that myself? To go se her would be to show compassion for her. To not go see her is to show compassion for myself. 

In some hotels, managers leave you alone. In other hotels, managers are very draconian with their signs and they are buddy buddy with you and try to convince you not to move to other towns saying those towns are bad but if you moved there, it'd be pretty good. In some hotels, managers don't discourage you from smoking pot and some smoke it themselves while in my hotel the manager is very puritanical and sanctimonious about smoking pot and he certainly doesn't smoke it. 

That's why tent city people choose not to live in a hotel. 

Tent cities are a result of cronyism and incompetent mismanagement. But there is no solution. Prison or mental hospital? Drain on taxpayer money. Lined up against a wall and shot? Inhumane and prone to civil class action lawsuits. Moved to another neighborhood? NIMBYism. House them? Profound drug addiction, high risk of dying from an overdose, delinquency, mental illness and tendency to vandalism makes them unhousable and no landlord in their right mind would rent to them. 

In Vancouver I was verbally abused for years on end and even sucker punched a few times. Vancouver is hyper. 

In Victoria I was seldom verbally abused and I never got punched in Victoria. Victoria has given me a fair shake. 

I had more and better sex in Vancouver though. In Victoria I struck out. Maybe I'm unlucky. But as a sport, I was never that good at sex. And sex leads to comittment issues and relationship burnout. And sex also leads to the slight possibility of being on the hook for child support and parental burnout. Some people can't be happy unless they're married and some people can't be happy because they're married. Marital burnout. Divorce is a multi billion dollar industry. 

The WW2 Japanese internment camps had lots of children, young people, pets and a tight knit community of sane industrious people of all ages. 

The hotel I live in is a miniature concentration camp. No children, no young people, slightly mentally ill and slightly drug addicted unmotivated neighbors who most of them rarely if ever visit one another. My hotel has no bathtubs either. But you don't want to share bathtubs with about a dozen to two dozen other people. That could lead to some weird skin diseases. 

The communal bathrooms in the hotel I live in are regularly cleaned. People who have their own washrooms are often very lapse in cleaning them. 

My SRO hotel has 5 toilets on every floor. Vancouver SROs usually have just 2 toilets on every floor. My hotel has an elevator. Vancouver SRO hotels generally don't have an elevator. In my hotel, the floors in the hallway are beige and the walls and doors are painted white. 

In Vancouver SRO hotels, the floors are dark brown, the walls are painted either green or blue or brown and the doors are painted brown. Ugh! Dingy. 

Vancouver, even and especially the downtown Eastside has a vibe I know and love as the mountains and the docks have a seaside longshoreman industrial blue collar nostalgic vibes that goes back to the 70s and even the 50s. 

I'm getting to know the Victoria vibes. The small mountains that frame downtown Victoria in Esquimalt and the small mountains that the observatory is at, if I stretch my mind, I would see those mountains being there in the 70s and even the 50s with a rustic industrial blue collar and white collar nostalgia. It takes years, even two decades to fully know the vibes in a town but once you do, it's magic. 

"You are beautiful and smart and talented. You deserve more than to be just happy. You deserve magic." Tolkien, starring Nicholas Hoult

In the movie The Experimenter, it talks about a researcher named Solomon E Asch. He made an experiment where there were 4 participants and one subject or 'guinea pig' seated at a table. The presenter, also a participant in the experiment presented a drawing of one horizontal line and three lines of different lengths next to it, numbered 1, 2, and 3 and the length of one of these 3 lines was equal to the length of the first line. When asked, the 4 participants first and then the subject would be asked which of the 3 lines was equal to the first line. At first they all answered correctly. Later on, they 4 participants deliberately gave the wrong answer and the subject despite knowing it was wrong also gave the wrong answer. 

This shows that people will make choices based on what everyone else around them is doing even though they know it's wrong or doesn't make sense. 

This was shown during the pandemic where people wore masks even when there was little chance of them getting a disease such as when they were walking alone on a beach or in the woods or alone when driving a car. Or when they were in a room where everyone had vaccine cards showing that they had already been double vaxxed. 

Or getting vaccinated when it was shown that some died of vaccine side effects like blood lots and now there is even a government agency that addresses and compensates those who have procured injuries due to the vaccines. And there are lots of people who never got vaccinated who never got covid including my friend Debbie Hellion who lives in the densely populated and picaresque downtown Eastside of Vancouver. 

The movie The Experimenter was about Dr Stanley Milgard who did an experiment about people giving electric shocks to people and continued to give ever increasing voltages of shocks even though they could have just walked out. Milgard describes the Agentic Personality who follows orders even though someone is suffering and they know of a better way such as the hospital receptionist who sees someone suffering and refuses to call a requested doctor until forms are filled out first. 

These days after the pandemic have been smooth and I have felt happier than I have for a long time. 

US President James Monroe's Presidency has been called, "The Era of Good Feelings".

Wednesday, March 29, 2023

I went on an early morning walk. I went to Thrifty Foods and then I walked to the beach and Holland Point Park. 

In the afternoon, Heather visited me. I heard a knock on the door wondering who it was and it was Heather. She visited me and then I walked with her and visited her. 

I got over 1500 points on Nintendo DS Big Brain Academy for the first time. When I first played that video game, for years I didn't get over 1,000 points then a few years ago I regularly got over 1,200 points. But getting over 1,500 points is very difficult. 

My friend on YouTube, Debbie Hellion lives in a very rough neighborhood. 

That neighborhood is completely delinquent and dysfunctional. 

Her neighbor Julie down the hall from where she lives and who she interviewed on YouTube a couple of weeks ago is now dead. That neighbor of her smoked crack occasionally. The story is, I think, is that someone off the streets visited her neighbor and offered her crack laced with fentanyl which she smoked. Result, death. Julie died. 

I don't think I could ever visit Debbie. As a standing policy, never visit anyone that you wouldn't want to visit more than once. Often, the more you visit someone, the more you would have a tendency to visit them. 

Ideally, friends should lift each other up, or at least one friend shouldn't pull another friend down. But really, nobody's perfect. 

I hope that Debbie finds her way to Victoria. But Debbie thinks that island life is boring and prone to a massive tidal wave. The downtown Eastside where she lives, looks like a tidal wave already hit it. 

"Look at me I'm a refugee in the island life." Michael Franks

I often say a prayer for Debbie. She's the gold in the dross, she's a gem dropped in the mud of a dysfunctional neighborhood that is wall to wall junkies. I hope I can meet Debbie Hellion one day. And her dog Daisy too. 

Lots of people criticize PM Trudeau but I would vote for him again and say that he's been a good PM. Trudeau legalized marijuana and that makes up for all, slate wiped clean. This is like in the movie Barry Lyndon where Barry didn't shoot his stepson in that gun duel. Barry might have been a scoundrel in the past but not shooting his stepson makes up for all. It wipes the slate clean. And PM Trudeau's government has been extremely generous when it came to pandemic relief, housing top up subsidies, an upcoming cost of groceries rebate and other rebates and subsidies and stipends as well. 

Debbie seems hyper and spazzy about the neighborhood she lives in. But Debbie is Debbie and she is much loved. 

Most people accept the tent city people in that neighborhood calmly like calm Hindoo cows. A biologist would tell you that all levels of biology have a use and purpose. The bottom feeders keep the ocean floor clean. The people at tent city on Hastings make sure that worse people don't live in that area. They have a certain street code. 

The tent cities in Vancouver are an offshoot of the humungous tent cites in Los Angeles California and the closing down of mental hospitals and ad letting the mentally ill live on the streets in tent cities in a policy called Tolerated Containment. 

In the movie Trading Places, Dan Akroyd, Lewis Winthorp asked Jamie Lee Curtis, Ophelia, "You know those people?!" Those people were the ones who were looking out for her and protected her and they sussed at a glance that Lewis was harmless and a good person and would be a good friend to Ophelia. 

On YouTube videos I see lots of old people on canes and crutches and electric scooters go through that neighborhood unscathed. 

The people that get stabbed in that neighborhood are are fly by night opportunists from elsewhere who think that downtown Eastside street people are stupid and these opportunists sell fake drugs thinking that it's an easy way to make a few hundred dollars in a few hours. Then they get stabbed or killed. 

Thursday, March 30, 2023

I lost my WD-40 oil. I bought a can in Sidney last year. I left it in my room. Now I can't find it. I don't think someone stole it. If I find it again I'll let you know. 

Woke up with no fear. 2 hours before my first smoke of tobacco every day. 

This is a week of astronomy. There is a planetary alignment. 

And the News said there was the biggest Gamma ray burst observed in recorded human history. The next one that size will happen in 10,000 years. A Gamma happens when a star collapses into a black hole and releases Gamma ray energy. The Earth has felt the Gamma ray burst and so have all humans but it only lasted for a couple of seconds. If that's the case, why don't people become the Hulk when they get angry? Why haven't we seen any the Incredible Hulks? 

Today I went to the Museum. 

Friday, March 31, 2023

Today, this morning, I got over 1800 points on Big Brain Academy DS. 

Here are the pictures to prove it. 

I went to visit Heather and I saw her on the street. We went to 2 stores and a restaurant together and each of those 3 places had at least one lady who was working there, has known me for years and likes me. They were really sweet to me. This makes it impossible that I'd ever leave Victoria. 

I do love Heather a lot. However I do think of other women. Not that it would do any good as my sex drive has gone out the window and I have sex anxiety. 

In this generation's answer to the Watergate trial, Donald Trump is facing indictments for paying hush money to a porn star. I don't think he should be under indictment for that. What he did only involved him and nobody else. No one was harmed. If everyone who ever paid hush money was up for indictment there would be thousands of indictments. The case should be dropped because it doesn't really mean all that much. Plus, nothing will happen. Trump is an ex head of State. He has lawyers. He won't see any jail time. It's more grandstanding in a 3 ring circus known as politics. The 3 rings of the circus being the executive, legislative and judicial branches of government. 

It's just a way to extract money from him for legal costs. It's a quasi-Machiavellian political booby trap from his opponents who want to compromise his next run for office. Trump had sex with a hot woman. It wasn't as if it was a male or a child or an animal or someone who was dead much less a dead male child animal. And it's not as if Trump paid hush money to the employees of the Animal Reserve where that dead animal was located. 

That would be a lot worse I think. In this day and age on the dark net, who knows what perversions some people are into. It would blow most people's minds. In the movie The Terminator, two Police Officers at the Police station were talking to one another about how some perp screwed his Afghan dog on a rug and then set fire to the rug and the Afghan dog. That's a far cry from what Trump is accused of. The people who want to indict Trump are grasping at straws. They couldn't get anything really heinous so they go for something innocuous such as a discreet pecuniary conveyance. Much Ado About Nothing.

This should get Trump some sympathy votes in the next US election. 

Between a rock and a hard place. The next US election will be a choice between either Sleepy Joe and his crackpot Leftist, woke, cancel culture, presentism, pro SOGI curriculum, anti-abortionist, Anti-fa, affirmative action, diversity hire agenda or Trump and his crackpot Right Wing build that wall, Alt-Right, Proud Boys stand back and stand by, covfefe, MAGA agenda. 

Donald Trump is a fan of President Andrew Jackson aka Old Hickory somuch so that Trump had a portrait of Andrew Jackson on the wall in the Oval Office. Even though Trump is a Republican and Andrew Jackson founded the Democratic Party.

The Democratic Party created the KKK and it was a Republican President Abraham Lincoln who freed the slaves.  

Bail to the Chief. 

So here's the thing. The 2024 election will have the same two candidates as the 2020 election, Donald Trump and Joe Biden. An election is supposed to be a democratic consensus. The consensus was addressed the first time the two candidates ran against one another. The 2006 and 2008 Canadian Federal elections also had the same two candidates running against each other two times in a row Paul Martin and Stephen Harper. Paul Martin won in 2006 and Stephen Harper won in 2008.

I saw a Nintendo 3DS at the pawn store going for $250. That's ridiculous. That's how much it costs new. Plus the price of each game. 

The screen is so small. Tablets have a much bigger screen and the games are free. Sure, the 3DS has a 3D image effect but the games are world games with a lot of panning and motion sickness. 

There is a 3DS emulator on Android called Citra but does it have the 3D effect or just replicate a 2D version of the game? The price is free but those games are 350 MB each. That's a lot of storage space. GB games are less than 1 MB of storage space. GBA games are less than 5 MB of storage space and DS games are about 50MB or even a lot less of storage space. 

I think I saw a 3DS in action once. There is a 3D effect but nothing that spectacular. Pay $250 plus the price of games for a small screen and for games I don't really want to play. Uh, no thanks. 3DS has Super Mario World but after 3 levels Mario Bros games become too impossibly difficult