November 2021

 November 1, 2021

If you install Bethesda Pinball and reinstall it, you won't get your paid for data back. Same with Aliens pinball. I wrote a comment on Bethesda Pinball. "Caveat emptor." That comment got deleted. 

With just about all apps, you get your account data restored. Although with Talking Tom Gold Run, you don't. And the hammer in the tunnel part of Talking Tom Gold Run doesn't work either. These app companies must be short staffed because of Covid. 

They're not the only game in town. 

Otherwise most apps are free. They get their money from ad revenue which proves the addage: 'If you are getting something for free that means you are the product.' 

Subway Surfers is good. I get my data and even got the gold robot I once paid for. 

My desert island apps are: Castle Solitaire, Solitary, both by Mobilityware. And also Subway Surfers. Once you got Subway Surfers, Talking Tom Gold Run is redundant. Clockwork Brain is good too although part of it is broken. It doesn't give you your paid for data back on one model of my HuaWei tablets but it does on another. Also the percentage of how you did against all other players is broken.

I sometimes play match 3 and then uninstall it. Kraken match 3, Jewel Match 3, etc. With these, there is no recording of in game data anyways so everytime you reinstall it, you start at square one. 

So much competition. So many free apps. 

Zen Pinball does offer one pinball game that's always free. With pinball, it's the same game over and over again. Just the graphics are different. The game is only about reflexes. 

Sunday December 19, 2021 Update: Bethesda Pinball works good now. Running on all 12 cylinders. I got my data restored. I was so happy that I paid $1.29 for Portal Pinball from the same app developer. 

This month, the feature city for Subway Surfers is Vancouver! 

That's my kind of city! Vancouver is a beautiful resplendent irridescent jewel of a city. 

The Royal BC Museum is taking down at least the Native exhibit on the third floor, possibly the old town etc too. 

They are going to change the museum to reflect a more Nativecentric view of history. 

That of course is going to mean a huge exhibit about residential schools which would be a whole buttload of depression. Depressing! If I wanted to go to a depressing museum, I'd go to the World War 2 museum on Krakow Poland. Or else why go to the Krakow World War 2 museum to get depressed when you can get depressed here when depression is in the top five of medical diseases in North America. 

The Vancouver museum has a Japanese internment exhibit as part of their museum. 

Museums are about learning and if it includes a spot of depression, that's part and parcel of a museum. The Tower of London museum in England has some ghastly wretched exhibits as well. That's normal for a museum. 

The Vancouver museum was able to do it so that even if the topic of the Museum exhibit was wretched, it had such a beautiful nostalgic vibe that overall, one walked out of the Vancouver museum floating on a cloud of bliss. Never mind visiting in person, even looking at the Vancouver museum on Google maps brings about a feeling of bliss unlike any other. 

Hopefully the local Royal BC Museum can be that blissful. So far, I visit there and feel nothing. The only area that brings about any bliss at the RBCM is the train station exhibit. Hopefully they don't take that down. 

The temporary over in 8 weeks Orca exhibit is quite blissful. The Orcas exhibit rates high on the bliss rating. 

However unlike the Vancouver museum which had a few facelifts and renovations since the 80s, the RBCM has remained largely unchanged since the 80s. 

The Vancouver used to have a Native gallery upon entering then rows of beds that would be typically seen in an 18th Century ship. Then a sawmill exhibit and even more sawmills, a replica Hudson's Bay Co trading post, then a streetcar and some houses and interiors of houses and that's it. 

Now it has an Old Vancouver exhibit. Then early 20th Century exhibit, then a funky 50s and 60s exhibit ending with a 70s hippie dippy exhibit along with a 70s Strathcona Chinatown exhibit to end the tour. 

The News said the old exhibits will take two months to dismantle and possibly years to reconstruct a new exhibit. Vancouver, they really hussle, their exhibits didn't take years to replace each time. But RBCM is a Royal class Museum like the Tyrell museum in Alberta and the Ontario museum. When the RBCM exhibits are complete, possibly even actual Royal dignitaries themselves from England will visit on opening day to have a look. Well I hope it doesn't take years and I hope the new incarnation of the RBCM can bring feelings of bliss just like the Vancouver Museum and the Vancouver Maritime Museum brings. 

The old Maritime Museum in this town in Bastion Square brought about some blissful feelings. I go to the current Maritime Museum in this town and I feel nothing. It's either bliss or nothing. There is a science behind it but I don't know it. Vancouver certainly seems to have nailed it. Vancouver museum of Anthropology at UBC. Are you kidding? That museum brings immense gargantuan oceanic waves of heavenly bliss. Or maybe it's just me. Some people go there and feel nothing. 

Bliss is only there if you visit once every few months. If you visit often and all the time, thanks to the law of diminishing returns, you won't feel the bliss after a few visits. I usually feel nothing going to the RBCM because I live in town and have an annual pass and go often, at times I went a few times a week. I haven't gone there in about a month. The bliss would work if, say I was to go on a trip to another city for an extended period of time, just before going I visit the RBCM, then I would feel bliss knowing I'm leaving town for quite some time. Also visiting no more than once every 6 to 8 months or less would I feel the bliss. So in that way there is a science to it. 

Also bliss is tied to knowing a place for a long time. I've been visiting UBC and the Museum of Anthropology and also the Museum of Vancouver and the Maritime Museum of Vancouver on and off since the 70s. 

The first time I visited the Royal BC Museum was in May 1987. The second time I visited the RBCM was in the summer of 1988. The third time I visited the RBCM was in April 2011.

Museums run off of a hybrid model meaning they get yearly government grants to run the place and pay expenses and they get public funding through admission ticket sales so they can make a profit. It's the same socialist capitalist hybrid model than Universities run on. Since the museum gets a guaranteed minimal government grant, they can run any exhibit they feel like and still get paid. Or maybe not. If their exhibits don't fit a minimum standard, then the government would be less inclined to pay them. And if their exhibits aren't appealing to public tastes then they don't get the admission ticket sales revenue either. 

A lot of people on comments on websites about the new museum exhibits to  come say that Indian exhibits are boring. The European exhibits are a lot more interesting. 

The Natives had language, they had culture, they had society, but they didn't have technology and they didn't have civilization like the Europeans did. 

YouTube is an asshole to amateur animators. They are an asshole to a lot of genres. Most people who do movie reviews using movie footage have their channels fucked with if not taken down. A few movie reviewers like Grace Randolph and Jeremy Jahns don't get their channels taken down. YouTube gives them a free pass. 

Amateur cartoonist who are one man shows wouldn't do as well as animations that involve a team of people. Naturally. 

To amke money on YouTube, you need a minimum of 1,000 subscribers. Then if you get money YouTube "holds you to a higher standard." meaning that the more videos you do, the more you have to do. And more often. And more comments to deal with, a lot of them unwanted useless garbage comments. 

If this would work, I'll give it a try: Please pray for me that I could stop smoking. I'm trying to quit. Please give me good wishes when it comes to this. Thank you. 

I saw the movie Lamb starring Noomi Rapace. It is a slow paced dramatic movie that was somewhat weird and surreal just like life itself. It was interesting and I watched all the way to the end. 

I go to two Churches but I don't really feel quite loved in either of them. 

This is what they say about England. People there are kind enough to share a few words or a brief conversation with you but that's it. Once they feel that the conversation has gone on long enough they walk away. 

The internet did this. In the old days we sought each other for advice and discussions about various topics. Today the internet offers lengthy articles or YouTube viceos from the foremost experts on any topic so there has been less of a need to turn to a neighbor or a friend to offer discourse on any subject. 

The after Church coffee fellowship gathering is over indefinitely. In the pre covid days, the after Church coffee fellowship gathering enhanced the faith experience as people of similar faith would gather together for the after Church coffee gathering with the effect being like similarly charged marbles rubbing against one another. One often felt truly loved at such gatherings. Now that's over thanks to the management or else mismanagement of the pandemic. And that has led to a feeling of going to Church and never feeling quite loved. Not feeling loved makes me think about what is the purpose of living? I will hang on and not give up whatever the hardship. That's the good thing to do and the human thing to do. 

The pandemic will bring mental scars that will last a lifetime but that will in turn bring strength and skills that will last a lifetime. 

Tuesday, November 2, 

It isn't so much the feelings and mood that determines inner dialogue but rather more than inner dialogue determines feelings and mood. 

If life hands you lemons, make lemonade. 

It is an ill wind that blows no one any good. 

To rewire the brain, tell yourself three things that you are grateful for for 21 days or else just remind yourself of the good things that have appeared in your life despite all the other bad things. 

The year so far, in review: This year, despite the stress of a global pandemic, I encountered some good things. 

In the spring I discovered AntsCanada on YouTube. This channel is very entertaining with beautiful high def cinematography which teaches about ants. 

This summer because of my extreme burnout caused by overwork and months of sleeping only 3 hours a night and the depression and anxiety that brought about, I was able to discover the YouTube channel of Douglas Bloch. He is a master and a Saint. He taught that all depression is temporary or else it waxes and wanes. Depression can not be cured but it can be managed. Skills like cognitive behavioral therapy and going on walks and listening to music can help alleviate depression. 

The hypothalamus is part of the HPA axis responsible for panic attacks. The hypothalamus also regulates body temperature. Sudden extreme temperature changes such as summer heat waves brought about by climate change are a great source of panic attacks and chronic depression and anxiety. 

The hypothalamus and pituitary gland is located in the brain. The adrenal glands are located on top of the kidneys, one adrenal gland for each kidney. 

In August I discovered the James Bay Inn restaurant. Unfortunately, Emily Carr died there but that was 76 years ago. This fact caused me to research Emily Carr in a way that I otherwise might not have. This led to me doing the cartoon called Emily Carr's Monkey Woo. 

This summer I went to Sidney BC and this brought a feeling of sheer bliss. A feeling I had not felt for months and at one point was not sure I'd ever feel again. At Sidney Fish Store, I discovered their canned salmon which is unusually rich and exquisite. I also discovered the Sidney Museum which is worth a visit. 

In the Autumn, I discovered Jean Claude Van Couver on YouTube. He has a silky smooth radio voice and I learned about the Jericho Hostel which I might actually visit one day. He has great informative videos. 

The year brought about a great amount of work and caregiver burnout. Buddhism teaches that working for someone with kindness is an opportunity to cleanse bad karma and to bring about good karma for the future. It is a valuable opportunity to develop inner strength. 

This year Churches opened again for the most part, alas no after Church coffee fellowship gathering but that will return one day. Church is a great opportunity to recharge the spirit and to bring about the bliss of Sunday vibes. 

I had a bunch of vivid dreams which scared me. Not to say the dreams were scary but my reaction to them was that of being scared. This caused me to research and to learn new things about dreams. 

Those are the great things that happened this year. 

Wednesday, November 3,

The 70s and 80s are the first two decades of my life. 

Now in my 50s and 60s which could be the last two decades of my life I listen to 70s and 80s music. Life has come full circle. 

I remember old people in the 70s always listening to music of the 30s and 40s. I've become that person. I'm always listening to music of the 70s and 80s.

Due to a dim understanding of the human body, I think I will most likely die at around 70. Most beings be they human or domesticated animals ie pets have an average lifespan and most fall within the average. There are a few record breakers but not many. 

Some people told me that I will live into my 80s but I find that hard to believe. Most people who are in my income bracket die in their 70s. 

Even a lot of rich people too. 

When I was in the midst of my PTSD burnout last summer, I thought that music that was so old was scary. Now I think of it as beautiful. 60s music is beautiful too. Especially the Animal House soundtrack. 

I'm glad I never had any children. Why advance the human species? I think that in 200 years or less, at this rate, there won't be any more human species. The Earth has been run to the ground. Climate change and global warming. 

I donate only to Churches that I actually go to and personally contact. But even then, I live in poverty and am on a budget. If I came into some kind of windfall, obviously I'd donate more. 

Essentially anything that doesn't work out or produce the results I expect is not worth doing like sending money to nebulous entities in venal countries or even doing cartoons on YouTube. 

Doing cartoons on YouTube gives me very few good comments, very small view count and certainly no money. Of course money on YouTube is gotten not directly but indirectly through ad revenue and sponsorship. Advertisers like to sponsor something that looks really professional and not something that looks somewhat professional. My cartoons look amateur. One man cartoons. Professional cartoons have a team of people working on them and usually have a lot of dialogue be it narration or speaking parts. 

I don't want to do cartoons on YouTube any more. It's a waste of time and energy. It's not working out and I don't like the results I'm getting. 

Doing the cartoons did give me a bit of a reputation of being an artist and an illustrator. That's a good thing. 

One approach to depression and anxiety is confidence and optimism which is better than lack of confidence and pessimism. 

Old age could be a healthy time full of good health, wisdom and fun times. Some people aren't even in all that much pain on the day that they die when that day comes which could be quite awhile away. 

For depression and anxiety, listening to 70s and 80s music helps. For some reason, 70s music works slightly better. 

For anyone who has read enough articles about the subject, life is ideally a U curve. One is happy when they're young then towards middle age and mid life crisis it dips to a low. Then after that as one gets even older, they get happier again with wisdom and acceptance. 

Thursday, November 4

One day at a time. Make it through another day. What reward do you get for making it through another day? There's no reward. The only reward you get is another day just as stressful, depressing, and fear ridden as this day is. Same thing with make it through another week. Do you get a reward for making through another week? There no reward. The only reward is another week just as stressful, just as anxious, just as uncertain as this week is. Life is hell. Things never get better. They only seem to get worse and worse. Another day older and another night of weird unsettling dreams yet again. 

Friday, November 5, 2021

I don't see someone for awhile or I don't do something for awhile that I used to do and I see coincidences suggesting that I see that person again or do that thing that I used to do. There's a whole host of people and activities that this involves. 

However, suggestive coincidences is not the same thing as incentives. 

Suggestive coincidences is bullshit coercion, and not the same thing as incentive. 

For instance I don't do cartoons for awhile. I sometimes see what I interpret as suggestive coincidences that I do that again. Why? I have no ideas and what do I get in return for that? That's the dammed forces of life for you, do something and get nothing in return. YouTube treats me bad for doing the cartoons. I get low view counts and even if I got high view counts, I get no money at all for my art. On one YouTube video, I got over 200,000 dislikes. That's how YouTube treats me. That's how the human species treats me. That's how the forces of life treats me. Again, damn the forces of life! 

What if God were to end my life with a quick stroke while I'm sleeping? Quick and painless, that's the way I want to go. That's not the same as committing suicide. I won't do that. But I wonder if God would or could just finish me off. My life is going nowhere. I have no future yet I have to go on living. That's life. What's my incentive for living? I have no incentive for doing art so I quit. 

My cartoons are unsolicited. There's no market for my cartoons. If I had money for my cartoons, good money, I'd move to Vancouver and live in a nice apartment there. Or I'd stay in this town. I don't know. Life is so confusing to me. That's what gives me fear for life and my future. If God can help me I hope he does. I have to have faith. I hope God helps all other people too. Why should I hope that he only helps me? A lot of people have disabilities and medical issues. Why didn't God help them? Where was God for them? I sometimes wonder if God will or will not help me. 

Faith is the trust that any point in life is a small part of a much larger plan that God has unfolding. The Bible said that faith is the trust in evidence unseen. As for the future: Whatever will happen will happen. What can I do about it? I go to Church so, Praise be to God. 

I would like to feel more love in my life. Love from social media isn't the same. Love from social media is love from people in other towns whom I will never meet. What kind of love is that? 

I hope to quit smoking tobacco one day soon. 

I might be in over my head for writing the following. If I see signs that I am, then I will delete this entire paragraph. 

The News does what I would call Follow Up Justice Stories. 

Here are 3 examples. These are not proven and are only connect the dots speculation:

1. A guy named Matthew Poirier did a whole rash spree of vandalism in the city of Victoria. Several storefront were vandalized leaving a trail of broken windows and broken glass in its wake. Spray paint too etc. The store owners had to pay with their own money to get this repaired. This went on for several days. One day soon after this, the timing of it, the News reported that someone in Bastion Square was beaten to within an inch of their life. Any witnesses are urged to call the Police. Now there are many beatings in town and only a fraction of them make it to the News. I think this was that vandalist guy getting just what he deserved. 

2. A Native Indian man in Nanaimo was beaten by a group of young men. This was shortly after the spree of statues pulled down in this city including the Captain James Cook statue. These beatings were something that was systemically going around. This Native man may be one of those who were in some way involved in the pulling down of statues. 

This is what happens when a marginalized group commandeers the narrative which is no less insufferable than when the majority group commandeers the narrative. The Natives have shoes put on the steps of the Legislative Buildings making an eyesore and a blight of the legislative buildings. They pull down statues. And they still expect reparations after all that. And now they want to change up the Royal BC Museum to change it from one vector of single perspective history to another vector of single perspective history. Probably including an exhibit about residential schools which is just pandering to a marginalized aggrieved and vociferous social group. The White Man's version of history vs the Native version of history. Either of them questionable and insufferable.

It's a case of reverse Stockholm syndrome. Instead of identifying with the oppressor, it is identifying with the victim. 

It is ill wind that blows nobody any good. What about the good things the White man has done for the Natives? Every White man is bad? I doubt it. Case in point an Eskimo lady on the St Roch wanted to go to school and study and make a better life for herself. RCMP Captain Henry Larsen warned her against going to one of the Church-run residential schools down South saying there would be no good that would come of it because he knew about the shady nature of such schools. She instead went to one of the better schools in Hamilton Ontario to study and eventually went to McMaster University and became a social worker.*

* Captain Henry Larsen and the Northwest Passage. Vancouver Sun. YouTube 

This generation has to suffer for the deeds that a previous generation did. Why didn't the Natives go after the previous generation. They go after PM Justin Trudeau for the benighted blight of residential schools of generations past. Why don't they go after PMs who were PM during those times and are still alive. Why not go after PM Jean Chretien? Why do they go after PM Justin Trudeau? The Natives obviously couldn't go after PM Diefenbaker, or PM Lester Pearson or PM Pierre Trudeau because they're all dead. 

Nowadays the White man is about decolonization that involves reconciliation and possibly paying reparation while the Natives are about decolonization that involves pulling down statues and demanding reparation. Typical that it was people two generations ago that did the suffering and the dying while the people do the accepting of the reparation money. 

But not all Natives are like that. Just a very vocal conspicuous minority. Most Natives are mellow and laid back people and they are more together and have less mental issues including fear of death and life than I do. I really need to get it together. A lot of Natives are shamans and have a better grip on life than I have ever had. 

3. A man on a Vancouver soccer field gets chased, attacked and stabbed by a group of teenagers or else college students. The coach of the soccer team intervened and a girl who was from the group of attackers said that the guy deserved much worse. The guy who was attacked looked tall, bald and Middle Eastern. A few weeks ago the News said that a man who was later named as Mohammed something was stalking and following women around for blocks. One woman was able to find safety at a skateboard park where some of the other skateboarders warded the stalker off. If this was the same guy he certainly deserved worse. 

The News often does good things and often has good stories just like these seemingly indirect random stories which are actually Follow Up Stories Of Justice. 

I hope I'm not in over my head for writing this. Even if I am, thousands of people have thousands of opinions on the internet. I doubt that mine would be the most extreme case. 

"Old people don't read the News like young people do. Old people read the News like buzzards in South America at the end of an airstrip when the crosswinds are treacherous." Stephen King, Apt Pupil

The information in the above article might not be accurate. At all. It's just connect the dots speculation. 

At my age. Age 51. Emily Carr got her monkey, Woo. Alistair Sim starred in Scrooge. 

Even if time travel were possible, I would not want to go in to a time machine. Time travelling to the past is more certain than the future. The past, we sort of know what happens. The future is totally off the wall bat-shit crazy uncertain. Even though this is a time of global pandemic, I still prefer to be when I am now than to travel back to the 80s when there was no internet or to the 1930s when a vacuum tube wooden radio and not at all a plastic transistor radio and a newspaper was the definition of a state of the art home entertainment system.

Looking back, the 80s was a happier time. Glass televisions no larger than 27 inches at the very most and they were heavy, but usually 20 inch or even 13 inch glass televisions. The music was better in the 80s but you can get that with any all 80s radio stations on the internet. Also all 70s radio stations on the internet too. In the 80s you could go to a movie theatre and watch Back to the Future.

I don't see how the future can or will get better. The golden age is over. The future will probably get worse and worse and worse and worse and worse. How can it get better? Maybe the Amazing Kreskin can know something like that. 

In the YouTube video, Kreskin Commentary on Doctor Fauci, The Amazing Kreskin said that the pandemic could go on for decades. 

In that case, life isn't worth living. Maybe a timely heroin overdose isn't such a bad idea after all. What's left to live for? Can I even order heroin online? Canada is decriminalizing possession of heroin of up to 4.5 grams. That's enough for an overdose. 

What is hope exactly? Hope is a quasi belief that things could be better in the future. Does hope exist now? I don't think so. The human species is a hopeless species living in a hopeless age which includes a hopeless present and a hopeless future. There is only hope in the past which was a golden time full of nostalgia and good memories, and that's only if you discount the bad memories. God knows that the last was full of bad memories too. But at least the hope was there. 

In fact, I would actually travel back to 1985 in a time machine and warn them that in 15 years there would be the start of the global pandemic which would be in the year 2020. And it would even continue into 2021 which would be about 18 years later. I would also tell them that math isn't exactly my strong point. At least in 1985 I could watch Back to the Future in movie theatres. That would be the only reason I would go back to 1985 in a time machine. I would also go and visit my friend who died in 1996 and tell that friend, let's see, what year is this, 1985, that according to my calculation they only had 9 years left to live. 

Saturday, November 6, 2021

I wouldn't ever commit suicide. I don't want that on my conscience in the afterlife. I would leave it in God's hands. 

What if the day of death isn't as nearly as bad as I thought it would be? Then I would have wasted a lot of time worrying. It might not be as bad as I think it would be. 

Never think that the future is going to be bad. It could be a really good future. It could be mindblowingly good. There would be some bad moments but those moments would pass quickly. The future wouldn't just be bad. Life is a mixture of bad as well as good. One wouldn't want to kill the self and then somehow see that the future would've been really good and they would have missed out on that. It will most likely be a good future. Be optimistic rather than pessimistic. 

Sunday, November 7,

I live in fear. I wake up every morning especially after having yet another one of my strange unsettling dreams in fear. I feel some fear throughout the day. My fears are old getting older, the future, and a thousand and one little  things I haven't dealt with like cleaning my room and dealing with the hoarder mentality which makes me unable to part with things I haven't used in a long time. I also fear the opinions I write. I often think that I am being too harsh and that I am wrong in my opinions. I fear death and that one day I will have to die and that instead of going to heaven, I will go to the weird place that I always go to in my night time dreams. Yet I also fear life that I am not strong enough to deal with the years ahead. 

I go to Church. I've asked God to help me get rid of my fears so that I can be a better person. I hope that in time I can lose my fears. I want to beat this once and for all. Being old is a chance to be better than I have ever been, if not physically then certainly mentally and perhaps spiritually. I hope that someone can say a prayer for me that I will be able to lose my general overall fear of living and life. 

I am not sure if my life is good or bad. If someone is living a really good life, it wouldn't make sense at all for them to commit suicide. What if someone is living a really bad life? There are levels of bad. A medical issue when one is in extreme pain all the time is bad. Being locked up in supermax is bad. 

But my life is bad in the sense that I am over 50 meaning old and over the hill and also I am living in welfare poverty and in a single room rooming house and could be living in one rooming house or another for life. There are people with no talent and contributed nothing to society yet they are in social housing. I did a lot of cartoons and writing and yet I am in a rooming house. 

It wouldn't make sense for me to commit suicide. Suicide is wrong and I wouldn't do it. Going to Church and learning about God and Jesus sure didn't teach me to commit suicide. That would be an ungodly thing to do. However every morning that thought crosses my mind as I am weak from sleepiness and the prospect of facing another day on the treadmill. Small town, fishbowl existence, every week, every day a merry go round. 

Millions of not billions of people live in a small town. The strategy is not to always seek to get out of the town but to get deeper into the town. Get into the social events of the town more and seek the know the people even more, talk with more people more often, if possible. 

I am often bored but that's baffling. I have a big screen HDTV, I have the internet and YouTube which is access to over a million videos and Tubi as well which is a library of fine movies. I have a tablet and Android which is the ability to download games and apps for free which is better than paying for PSP or Nintendo DS games. I used to have to leave town to a town that is near to get PSP and DS games and also pay money for it. Now I can download games for free. The thing is boredom comes from lack of imagination.

Last night, I watched a good movie on YouTube called The Good Journey. It is a Christian movie about a father who wills his two sons $500,000 each. The stipulation is that they go across America to personally thank some people in different towns who were kind to their father when he went across America to these towns 50 years ago when he lost his wallet and these people helped him to get back on his feet. The father died before he was able to make this journey himself. 

Again, I hope that God can take away my fears so that I can become a better man, a more penitent man so I can be able to serve Christ and to be kind to my neighbours as well as the town I live in. 

I too often have fears of the future and of everyday life. I hope that things get better. 

I fear the future. Yet it could be surprisingly good. Minblowingly good. 

Unless I lose my everyday chronic fear, I would never be able to travel to England and to see Buckingham Palace. Ever. Losing my fear means more to me than money for my fear even includes fear of having a lot of money. I fear that I would make mistakes with that money. 

"I am able to handle large sums of money." YouTube video, I forget what YouTube video

Am I able to handle large sums of money? I don't know. 

Traveling to England means flying across Canada and then flying over the Atlantic Ocean. That takes guts. Would I have the guts to do that? Not the way I currently am. I hardly have the guts to make it through another day. Yet bafflingly, I somehow always do make it through another day. I don't know how. Maybe with the grace of God. 

One way to handle dreams or even life is no matter how crazy it seems, don't think that it was too crazy, rather think that it wasn't crazy enough. Just say, "Last night's dream was a whole ton of crazy. But it wasn't nearly crazy enough. It needed to be even more crazy." 

"Great stones they placed upon his shoulder until he said yeah or nay. More weight, he cried and died." The Crucible. That story is attributed to a character named Corby Giles. 

I recently did an IQ Test. The results said that I have mild dementia. Someone in the reviews of that app said that it was wrong to call anyone demented and such an IQ test is not the criteria to determine such a thing. For me in my fragile anxiety and fear ridden state, I tended to agree with them and actually wondered if that was true.

Today, for awhile, I wondered if I had brain damage. I had some attacks of fear that I could feel in my stomach. 

This year thanks to my stress and self diagnosed mild PTSD, I did some research and studying. I learned about probiotics as well as prebiotics. I learned about healthy gut healthy mind and about the mind gut axis as well as the HPA axis. I learned that the vagus nerve connects the stomach to the mind hence the mind gut axis. I learned that deep breathing like breathing in a deep sigh of relaxation that goes to the bottom of the lungs relaxes the vagus nerve. Sometimes fear attacks that go to the stomach means that one either has to go to the bathroom and eliminate waste or else one is hungry and not quite aware of it and has to eat. So it isn't fear as much as a gastrointestinal issue. 

I wonder if I have mental illness or if I have brain damage.

"And Stork here. Everyone thought the Stork was brain damaged." Animal House

If I had brain damage, the Police or mental health services would have picked me up. They have a sixth sense as to who is brain damaged. Although there are people in this city who like to yell at people or yell in general. It's baffling they haven't been picked up. Someone in this town was holding up a sign that they made and wrote saying, "Pigs have blue eyes. Don't eat pork!" And was parading through the streets holding that sign. Does he have brain damage? Who knows. 

I hope that God can guide me to live a life without fear. I attended a healing circle at Church where I was even anointed. Does that work? I'm thinking there's a one percent chance that will work. Better that than nothing I guess. Maybe it doesn't work right away. Maybe it works over time. 

Believing that works is like believing that the healing fountain of Lourdes in France works. Believe it or don't believe it. 

I can't have burnout for working just a few minutes a day from working for the handicapped lady even if it's seven days a week. I often if not always volunteer to work to alleviate boredom and I've become habituated to the work. People in some towns work seven days a week. I've met them. Somehow they never got burnout. 

My burnout from last summer was a perfect storm resulting from a whole lot of things. The record breaking heat wave temperatures, staying in my apartment building 23 and a half hours a day for months, drinking energy drinks at night and pushing myself to staying up til 5:30 am, midlife crisis, working a whole lot for the handicapped lady: seven days a week for nine months of work work work; a lot more than I now currently work for her, and the stress of an unprecedented uncharted waters global pandemic. It was crazy. 

I can't smoke pot anymore. If I don't smoke for awhile, the paranoia is through the roof. Then if I get a tolerance to it, then it's a habit again where I'm smoking several times a day every day. That would cost money. They don't call it smoking dope for nothing. One eventually becomes a dope an inured to the poison of wanting to stay home and cocoon themself on their room all day. One develops a mild agoraphobia. Being sober is better. I go to restaurants more often. Movie theatres too. I don't know if I'll ever smoke pot regularly ever again although I think about it all the time. Marijuana improves appetite and makes music sound better. 

Marijuana can inspire artistic creativity although years of doing cartoons has gotten me nowhere. I thought that I might somehow make money off of it. If it was so easy to make money just sitting around and doodling and making amateur animated cartoons, a lot of people would quit their jobs. Society and civilization would collapse. Why be an air traffic controller and make so much money a year when you can just sit around, doodle and make whatever amateur animated cartoons and make a whole lot more money? Yeah, right. Like anything else, to make money, animated cartoons have to have a minimum market standard in terms of production values. It needs copious dialogue, more movements of the head when the animated cartoon character is talking etc. Etc. It needs a team of people just to voice the different characters dialogue. 

I never got money for my writing. Same thing. It's not easy to make money writing otherwise everyone on the planet would do it resulting in a collapse of civilization that is a lot worse than what a global pandemic could bring about. Writing involves responsibility and work. Find a publisher, pay income tax if one gets too much money from writing, be in a higher tax bracket. There has to be a market standard and a demand for what one writes. Writing should uplift people, not bring them down or not amplify whatever depression or anxiety the reader already has. My writing has fallen short when it comes to that. 

What is happiness? Is there such a thing? All I see are subcomponents of it which may or may not be the same thing as actual happiness:

Sunday vibes: The light headed pleasant airy feeling that a person gets on Sundays whether or not they go to Church although Church can amplify such feelings. It's a very mechanical feeling. This is or is not the same thing as happiness. 

Nostalgia: A walk down memory lane. When seeing something that was once familiar rekindles pleasant warm feelings. This is not the same thing as happiness. 

Laughing at something funny: This is comedy or mirth. Sillyness. Not the same thing as happiness. 

Getting something new or getting an expensive item or moving into an expensive home be it a mansion or a five star hotel or going on an expensive vacation or staycation: This is enthusiasm or enticement of getting something where the novelty has not yet worn off. This is not the same thing as happiness. Once the novelty has worn off, the inevitable visitors of depression, anxiety, fear and worry or else the four horsemen of the Apocalypse soon pay a visit and stay for a long time. That's why I think that even billionaires are subject to depression, anxiety, fear and worry. 

As for vacations and staycations, what was once an escape eventually becomes a trap.

Falling in love with a woman that you really want to ...well, you know: This is infatuation and lust and is not the same thing as happiness. This can wear off. Infatuation wears off as familiarity can breed contempt. Lust can wear off as one gets tired of looking at the same body over and over again. Variety is the spice of life. Is this happiness? I'm not sure.

Happiness is an elusive concept. 

The only true happiness comes from being 100% sure that God, the Universe and the friends in one's life loves them. The mean indifferent people in one's life only makes the love of friends that much more special, meaningful and valuable. 

I didn't mention family because every single family on Earth is dysfunctional to whatever extent with no exceptions. Some a lot more than others. And that certainly isn't happiness.

Happiness comes from doing the things that one enjoys although that is getting into a flow and being otherwise preoccupied which may or may not be the same as actual happiness. Workaholism isn't the same thing as happiness. Often it's just a mindless force of habit. 

Getting high on a favorite drug or a favorite alcoholic beverage: This is addiction and inebriation which is not the same thing as happiness.

Going to sleep: This is a state of rest and relaxation where one isn't conscious. Would that be the same thing as happiness?

Monday, November 8, 2021

Dr Stephen St John on YouTube has the best stories about near death experiences. Incredible. Finding this person is a miracle. I discovered him on the YouTube channel: The Other Side NDE

Wednesday, November 10, 2021

Last night I went to the Remembrance Day themed slideshow cast at the outer wall of Christ Church Cathedral in Victoria BC. The 20 minute slide show runs from 7pm to 9pm. It is on from November 9 to November 11.

For some very strange reason I don't feel fearful or anxious at all today. I've been feeling anxious or fearful every day for months. Today I feel like a lake with no ripples on it at all. Someone, maybe God is helping me. I hope that this lasts. 

Thursday, November 11

Amazingly, I still feel rather calm. No stress or fear. It's a miracle. Thank God. I hope that this lasts. I am at baseline again.

Dr Steven St John said that times of great stress are a test of faith. They will end and all will be good again. 

I went to the James Bay Inn and had waffles. Then later on, I went to the Church to thank God that I am calm and I prayed that this sense of calm would last. I seemed to have found religion in the last couple of months. Religion is a good thing if it can help me to become a better person if not the best person I can be. I am thankful for whatever miracle has taken my fear and anxiety I have been feeling for months. Perhaps it was the healing circle. It works. If it didn't work, why would they have it? Even rich people go to Church and believe in the healing circle. 

Friday, November 12

Saint Roch of whom the ship at Vancouver's Maritime Museum is named is the patron Saint against infectious diseases just as Saint Christopher is the patron saint of travellers and Saint Barbara is the patron saint of soldiers. 

I learned this from an app named Saint Roch. 

Hopefully Saint Roch will help us during our coronavirus infectious disease pandemic. 

The News said that the United States is going through the start of a fifth wave of Covid. Hopefully this won't happen in Canada. The fifth wave will hopefully not be as bad as the others as all children age 5 and older will soon be vaccinated and adults in Canada can get a third booster shot starting in late December. 85% of adults in Canada have gotten two shots of coronavirus vaccine. 

The Amazing Kreskin said that the coronavirus might go on for decades as there is too much money to be made off of it. Also he said it was an advancement of the Communist model of social engineering. He said this on his video about Doctor Fauci. The one comment he got on the video was "Bababooey Bababooey". Strange that he only has 400 subscribers. He was famous in the 80s when he had a cable TV show. Even I got 340 subscribers and I'm not famous at all. Certainly not famous on the level of having had a cable TV show. 

It will go on for decades in the sense it will start off as a pandemic then go into the endemic phase which will be for decades. Just like the Spanish flu or else flu and also AIDS which is in the endemic phase. People will have to get a covid vaccine once every six months to a year forever. For life. 

The Internet is strange. I know of people who have owned a successful restaurant and pub which had been busy for decades when it was in business but is no longer operational but on Twitter has less than a hundred followers. Baffling. I thought there'd be more followers. A lot more. 

App developer Mobilityware has a new Monopoly Solitaire app. I'm really liking it. It brings Monopoly to a new level. This app on my opinion is really really good. I can't say enough about how good it is. 

The fear has still gone away. 

YouTube Movies recommended although there's no accounting for taste:

The Good Journey: see above paragraph. 

Before All Others: A lady who suddenly becomes crippled moves in with her grandmother. The grandmother introduces her to a handyman named Ben who is from her Church. The two hit it off. 

Angels In Our Midst: A boy who is chronically bullied gets angelic intervention. 

Our Father's Keeper: A successful banker who has three children, two sons and a daughter all of a sudden gets Alzheimers. He wanders onto the streets. A young homeless girl becomes his caretaker. The father is eventually reunited with his family. 

Noel: A Christmas movie with two subplots. Paul Walker and Penelope Cruz are about to be married. Paul Walker meets an old man who tells Paul Walker that Paul Walker is his wife reincarnated. Susan Sarandon is about to do herself in. She lost a child to miscarriage on Christmas Day years ago. About to end her life, she meets an angelic spirit in the form of Robin Williams, a Priest who left the clergy due to losing faith with God.. 

All the above is Christian movies. 

Christianity is better than Buddhism. Jesus is a powerful spirit guide who is the Son of God and assuredly guides the faithful who also must have been good and kind people in life into heaven. 

Buddha was a man who was never a spirit guide to heaven but instead offered a tautological philosophy that people must work on their own enlightenment with diligence. Buddha was an ordinary man who never claimed to be the actual Son of God. 

However, whatever religion one is in, if they are good people and kind people, they will most likely make it into heaven or else the good next level rather than hell which is the bad next level. Try your very absolute best to be the best person you can be. Forgive your enemies which means remember any good times you had with them as a lot of enemies were friends who have since become enemies. With such people there were always one or two good moments. Remember these moments. Cherry pick such moments for your memories. Don't cherry pick the bad moments. 

Wish them the best and pray that they live a life free from fear and pain. However if you don't like them, out of compassion for yourself, distance yourself from them. 

Being a good person also means being grateful. Thank God every day for your good health or else for your relatively good health. Thank God for the gift of life. Every day alive is a gift from God. 

Being good also means being kind to those in need. A good word, some moments of companionship. Help those who are disabled whenever possible but remember to protect yourself from caregiver burnout. 

I've had dreams where Jesus appeared. Or else a Jesus like figure being a young White man with long sandy blonde hair and stubble or else a beard. 

This man is very old although he looks 21. I think he is who the ancient Egyptians referred to as Horus. That's how old he is. He is a spirit guide. 

If you look, chances you night see him in your dreams. He lloks like an ordinary man standing to one side. 

In one dream, he was wearing a white plaid shirt and sitting down explaining something to me. He was extremely calm as he explained something to me. I was talking about some architecture and he very calmly said that a lot of architecture is like that. 

Buddhism is good too. Buddhism teaches that meditation is one way to cleanse karma. Christianity doesn't teach that. 

There is something to learn from all religions. 

Some enemies are of the category where they were never your friend. Abductors and murderers fall into this category. The Bible and Jesus teaches to forgive them too. Try not to dwell too much on what happened. Hope that they get the penalty as law and justice requires. Know that they were not in the right state of mind and heart when they did that. Hope that they amend themselves and find God. Revenge? I don't know. Most usually, vengeance is in the hands of God as well as the Police. Some cultures have a code of honor requiring that you revenge yourself. So that's why I say that I don't know how to answer this. 

Lack of forgiveness can lead to becoming bitter which can lead to anxiety and burnout. When you forgive, you free your own heart. 

There are many forms and levels of revenge. There are also many forms and levels of forgiveness. I might sometimes feel disdain and opprobrium towards some people I met who did or said bad things to me or about me however I never contact them and write them mean letters or else call them on the phone and say mean angry things to them. I just do my best to avoid them. I suppose that's a form of forgiveness. 

Tonight my anxiety returned for two hours from 7:30 pm to 9:30 pm. I was getting the fear attacks from deciding whether or not to uninstall my PSP, GBA, GB and Nintendo DS emulators as well as all games and the 7Zipper zip extractor. I haven't used them for at least four months. Brain Age on the DS emulator isn't always accurate for the 20 mathematical questions. On the 100 mathematical questions too. As for the rest, they are old games. 15 year old games. Or older. I like to play modern games off of the tablet. I decided finally to just uninstall it all. The fear has gone away. 

The pandemic also is making me fearful but every passing day is one day closer to it's eventual end or else eventual going from a pandemic to an endemic. The endemic will never end. Endemic means vaccinations every year for life. Otherwise the masking and social distancing will end. 7-11 and Thriftys foods will be open for 24 hours again. Walmart will open for 24 hours the week before Christmas again. The after Church coffee fellowship meetings will be on again. There will be dancing at nightclubs again. No more vaccine passports for airplanes again. Maybe the vaccine passport will be for life. Unless one shows the vaccine passport showing they got vaccinated that year, one won't be able to go on board airplanes or go to restaurants. That's a form of the social credit system like they got in China disguised as a vaccine passport system. The vaccine passport might be for life even if masking and social distancing isn't. Or will it? How can you have one and not the other? Of course this will suppress business for the restaurant and travel industry but do they form as powerful a lobby as the pharmaceutical and vaccine industry? If the pandemic goes on for life, why bother having children? What future is there for them? Perpetual pandemic plus global warming climate change. At this rate, the human species will be over in less than a hundred years. The News said that even a 2 degree change in climate is a death sentence, let alone a display at the Royal BC Museum saying temperatures will rise as much as 8 degrees by 2080. That's it. Game over. No more human species. Leave it to the collective of the human species to run it all to the ground. They already turned the oceans to a pantry and a toilet and a garbage can simultaneously. Farewell human species. People are still having children. If not, if you're 40 now, forget about 30 year old nurses and doctors looking after you when you're 70. 

Will the pandemic go on forever? What would an endemic stage look like? 

At one time AIDS looked like it was unbeatable. And would be around forever. There are some people who had that disease for decades and management has gone from a multipill cocktail to one pill a day plus good diet and exercise. Someone will come up with a presently unforeseen innovation for covid in the future. The future is full of surprises and good ones at that. Life is still worth living. 

With global warming, one day, Antarctica and the Northern Canadian islands like Baffin Island and Prince William Island and Pasley Bay etc will be the only safe places to live.

I say the Lord's prayer every day. This is my version which is kind of wrong: Our father which art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name. They kingdom come, they will be done on Earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive our sins as we forgive those who sinned against us. Lead us not into temptation and protect us from evil. For thine is the power, the glory and the kingdom forever. Amen. 

Wrong perhaps on many points. Thy and thine would be your and yours respectively. Sin and sinned I have heard as trespass and trespassed which is another variation of it. Protect us from the evil one is another variation. And another more recent version is specifically worded the kingdom, the power and the glory now and forever. 

Whatever way I say it or you say it I'm sure it will be all right. I'm sure God understands what we are trying to say. Exact wording isn't that important. Hopefully not. 

Jesus taught the original prayer in Aramaic, not in old English or modern English.  Now I'm not going to try to remember the Aramaic version of it! 

There are many prayers. This is the one that Jesus himself taught. There are Catholic ones like Hail Mary and Now I lay me down to sleep. There is a  prayer to St Roch too. 

I still often feel anxiety over food. Should I go to the restaurant or not? Should I order this or that or not? Will it cost too much money? Should I go to the grocery store and get this food ot that food or not? I hope to lose this anxiety. I didn't always have this. I used to never give it a second thought. 

All wishes come true as long as they are reasonable. I wish I had a billion dollars, that's not a reasonable wish. 

I saw a message or an answer to this in a Church hymn on Sunday November 14:

We who bring them long for nurture

By your milk we may be fed

Let us join your feast, partaking 

Cup of blessing, living bread. 

Regrettably, Cactus Club no longer has calamari. I used to order that quite a few times. Perhaps it will return again. Who knows? 

Food anxiety: Anxiety is part of an ancient survival mechanism as we have the same physiology more or less as people did during the caveman days. The trick is not to have anxiety about anxiety which would set up a vicious circle. Accept that anxiety is a natural and normal part of life. 

Don't eat unless you're absolutely sure that you want to eat and absolutely sure of what you want to eat. If there's any doubt then forget it. You can either eat that later, next week, next month or else never eat that item ever. 

One isn't legally required to eat any certain item. It's what you feel like eating. 

Eating is a $20 or less problem. It isn't a $100 problem or a $1,000 problem. 

Like old cars, food depreciates in value over time. That thing bought for $5 sitting in the fridge for a few days is now worth $1 or less. Don't be afraid to throw it away if you are not absolutely sure you want to eat it. 

For me because I don't want to spend too much money or else I'll end up broke, I usually try to eat all or most of the food I have on hand in the fridge first before going out and getting other food. 

Sometimes a bit of fasting is good. All forms of spiritual teachings say that the occasional fasting for not too long of a time is good. 

Don't eat unless you're absolutely hungry. Don't eat if you're only kind of hungry and kind of not hungry.

Zen teaches: When I'm hungry I eat, when I'm tired I sleep. 

I didn't have food anxiety before. Certainly not to the level I have it this year. 

Food anxiety is tied to high and increasing food prices. I don't want to be broke at the end of the month because of food costs. In Vancouver downtown Eastside, food costs are low because it's tied to the people living there being on low income. Everywhere else it's expensive. Vancouver is a large city and there's lots of restaurant competition. This town is smaller and has fewer restaurants so food prices are higher here. 

There are ways around it. There are places that offer free meals and food lines and soup lines. However Vancouver has even more free meal outlets than this town has. I think that London England has lots of free meals and food lines and soup lines. 

Pho soup is a temporary cure for depression. One can make a cheap and simple meal cooking a bit of ground beef with broccoli and cooking that in an instant noodle Pho soup packet and eating that with rice. Another good recipe is rice along with a can of canned salmon and optionally with a few dashes of soy sauce. Canned tuna is good too. 

One day I'll get over it. One way I'll get over it is to forget it as new and better things occupy my mind. 

Thank you God for the gift of life. Life is good. 

The pandemic is all about the government and the Healthcare ministry bullshitting us again and again. 

At first a second dose of the vaccine was referred to as the booster shot. Now it's referred to as the normal standard shot and the third shot is called the booster shot. For now.

They said children weren't that susceptible to covid. Now it's mandatory for all children aged 5 to 11 and those aged 12 and up to get two vaccine shots. 

They said a two week lock down last year and that the state of emergency was only for a month and a half. It's 20 months later. 

They said September 7 was the fourth phase of reopening. That has been reneged and now there has been a vaccine passport program since then. 

Bullshit bullshit bullshit. And the constant run around. 

The mask mandate was supposed to be rescinded on October 31. Wrong! It's been extended indefinitely. 

No one trusts the government and the Healthcare industry anymore. 

"That government is best that governs the least." Henry David Thoreau

Damn the mendaciois obfuscating prevaricating government and Healthcare industry. 

The Healthcare industry deserves to be overestimated and also underestimated. From my experience, a lots of nurses are young ditzes and airheads. They often put on my handicapped friend's knee brace wrong. Incompetent airheads. 

On the other hand, oftentimes diseases you think are incurable, they are half assed cared for and handled by the health care industry and medical doctors etc. Depends which doctor you get. Not all doctors are created equal and there are a lot of airhead opportunist quack doctors. 

Overall, the health care industry and the government have proven themselves untrustworthy and their word is worthless. They have lied and given us the run around so many times in the last two years that their word is mud. The government and the Healthcare medical industry is vile. 

I wouldn't trust them as far as I could throw them. Nobody really trusts them anymore.

A person's word is their currency. Once they lose that no one trusts them anymore. It's obviously not so with the government and the health care industry. 

B for Bonnie Henry. B for bullshit. 

There's no accountability with the pack of lying hounds aka the government and the health care industry. There's no due process either. 

As for the mask industry, many are holding on to their masks forever rewashing them many times along the way. Some masks are a good luck charm, a good luck mask and have sentimental value so they'll never throw them away. I have a good luck mask that I'll never throw away. My mask is good luck because when I wore it, I found so many good things on the street including a golden IKEA lounge chair. It's an actual IKEA brand chair. I also found a few good books including one that talks about fear and anxiety. I have been having anxiety relapses lately. Anxiety will never go away. It can only be managed. 

Imagine a story that goes like this: Someone telling a story that goes, My covid mask is my good luck mask because when I wore it, I met the woman who would eventually become my wife. Also I wore it when I bought the lottery ticket with which I won a few million dollars. That would be the good luck coronavirus mask story of the century. And this is not because of but in spite of the constantly lying through their teeth barefaced liars government and health care medical industry. 

There's no mask standard anyways. I have a black nanotechnology mask. It even has the word nanotechnology written on it. I also have a white medical KN95 surgical grade mask. Some people have decent masks. While others have the flimsy cheap disposable masks. 

Some masks are rare collectors items. One day in the future, some of them will go up for auction at Christie's and at Sotheby's. 

The damn wretched vaccine passport thing can only go so far. Followed to its furthest extreme, there will be a vaccine passport that registers 20 vaccinations while there would be some in the population who have yet to receive their first dose of vaccination. The disparity would be so much that it would take the completely unvaccinated years to catch up. Meanwhile businesses fail due to the lack of sufficient patronage. How can a government run a civilization like that and still think of itself as competent? I don't think that the government cares whether anyone or even they themselves think of themself as competent or not. The government will just steamroll on and double down on whatever bullshit they have planned as usual. 

The vaccine passport in BC will end on January 31 as they stated? Don't hold your fucking breath. They've proven themselves to be lying assholes. It will be extended by two or three months or maybe even indefinitely. Don't put that past them. 

In the future, there might be a new annual statutory holiday called Coronavirus day or Covid day to commemorate those who died during the pandemic and to commemorate the fact that we made it through for those of us who do make it through. Who knows if even I'll make it through. As far as I see it, my life is most likely going nowhere and I have no future so what do I care? I'll leave it in God's hands. 

Let's face it. The world is going nowhere. Global temperatures will rise. The human species is doomed. At this rate, there won't be a human species in less than two hundred years at most. The global pandemic is just a moot footnote that doesn't even delay the inevitable. 

Everyday I thank God 

1. For my good health. That might change in a few years. It might not. For the time being I am feeling relatively healthy except for slight anxiety that comes up from time to time. 

2. For having a roof over my head. That might change in a few years. It might not. If I'm homeless I wouldn't last a month. I'd be dead. 

3. For living in a clean town. I'm glad I don't live in the downtown Eastside of Vancouver which is ever increasingly run down. In the old days people like that would be housed at Riverview mental institution but it costs over $100,000 a year to house each individual at a mental institute. Some of them definitely need to be in a mental institute. I'm glad I live in a town that is civilization and not in some backwater dead hole like Dawson Creek and towns like it. You can't call towns like that civilization.

Vancouver is well worth visiting if you avoid the East side. West side, Kitsilano, Granville street downtown and Point Grey UBC is worth visiting. Although St James Anglican Church and Oppenheimer Park in the East side has the most wonderful nostalgic vibes. 

4. Thank God for the few friends that I have. I have more friends than I realize. It's just that I can't always remember them all. Without friends one is nothing although it's better to be alone than to be with people who make you feel alone. 

5. Thank God for my big screen television and for the internet. I can't imagine life without the internet even though the internet never paid me for my writings and for my animated cartoon art. I could go on patreon and go fund me but for some reason I haven't. I just don't think that anyone would ever send me any money ever. 

6. Thank God for protecting and looking after me. But why should he look after me only and not others? I also thank God for protecting others. 

Thanking God and being grateful for a minimum of 66 days can rewire the brain out of depression and chronic anxiety. Thank God everyday for life. Say the Lord's prayer at least once a day for life. 

Tuesday, November 16

I have seen the movie Spencer. It is an elegant sweet movie about three days in the life of Princess Diana. The movie covers the anxieties that she felt when she was alive. This shows that rich people can also have anxieties. I myself went through the worst year of my life when it came to anxiety this year so I could empathize with the struggles of the lead character. 

The cinematography was pervasive and sweeping and left one feeling that rhey spent some time amongst the luxurious lifestyle of the opulently wealthy. This was a great movie and had hallucinations as well. When one is a Royal, life is lived on a different level and the vast majority of people would never know what it's like. I'm not sure whether the movie is historically accurate but what historical movie is? I would recommend the movie as an all time classic Christmas movie and one of the greatest British movies ever made. 

The next movie I plan to see is Ghostbusters Afterlife. Then that's it. That's the last movie I plan to see this year. Other movies look good. The Gucci movie looks interesting and also the next Matrix movie. Batman with Robert Pattinson also looks good. I might see the Gucci movie. Last Night in Soho looks good but I'll probably try to see it online. I wasn't born yet in the 1960s so Last Night in Soho wouldn't being any memories. I don't know if LNIS is still in the theatres. 

Thursday, November 18th 

Barge stuck in English Bay in Vancouver won't move. That's Vancouver's answer to the Suez Canal barge Evergreen stuck situation. Vancouver has the UBC school of engineering. They can figure out a way to get the barge out of there if anyone can. Maybe dredge some land around it just like they did in the Suez Canal. That and the use of tugboats. I don't know. 

Attempts to resolve the situation and to tow the barge out will start on Sunday, November 21.

Boaters in BC are helping those stranded in the floods caused by three days of heavy rainfall from Saturday November 13 to Monday November 15 when 150 mm of rainfall was precipitated. I couldn't help thinking of the boaters during Dunkirk who helped rescue soldiers stranded on Normandy Beach during WW2. 

Walmart has a lot of empty shelves. This kind of thing hasn't been seen since the days of Communist Russia. Steaks. All gone. Even fish are all gone which is strange. You'd think that there'd be more fish after a flood. This is a result of already pandemic disrupted supply chains being more disrupted from the floods caused by rain. More rain to come this week from Thursday November 25 to Saturday November 27. Which means more floods. 

Queen Elizabeth issued well meaning words of concern for BC and floods. 

With such food shortages we in BC are probably all dead for sure if the pandemic doesn't kill us. Wait and see. 

Local grocery stores with food sourced from local farm are well stocked. No food shortages. Food has to be brought from other vectors. Other parts of Canada, from the United States, even beef from cattle farms in Australia rather than from Southern Central BC. Are there local grain silos? 

Martial arts actor Jet Li refuses to act in anymore American movies like the Matrix because he doesn't want American owning the intellectual property rights to his movies. 

Which makes me think about my writings on blogger and my cartoons on YouTube. They would own the intellectual property rights to my work. However I saw on a website that such intellectual. Property rights are automatically protected although I could put up reminders such as a c with a circle around it or else copyright. 

I don't care. My writings have no credentials behind it. A lot of writers went to University and got some kind of degree for writing. I never did. 

As I might have said before, my writing is public domain. Anyone can copy my writings and they can quote me or not. You can even say that you thought of the idea. Copyrights only keep honest people honest just like locked doors only keep honest people honest. 

My writings are mediocre. I don't think that I write as good as my favorite authors like Stephen King and George Orwell. And also William Burroughs. 

Like I said, a lot of Burroughs writings I don't agree with or relate to particularly his queer writing. But what I do agree with and can relate to is the writing I like and think is masterful. 

My writing is all over the place and I write too much about my anxiety, depression and crazy patches. 

Don't be afraid of growing old. Growing old is a season of life. Growing old is the winter of life. Winter is a very beautiful and nostalgic season. I'm 51 years old and that is on the cusp of the beginning of old age. 

Saturday, November 20

I saw a YouTube video that talks about lifestyle changes to address depression. 

People have the same physiology as they did during the caveman days. People's bodies weren't designed for 21st century life and the amount of stress that comes with it. 

Hydrocortisone or else cortisol which is a type of glucocorticoid from stress over a long period of time causes brain damage. 

Some things can help with depression.

Exercise- a 30 minute fast walk 3 times a week. 

Sleep - get about 8 hours of sleep a night. 

Socializing - self explanatory

Light - expose yourself to at least 30 minutes of daylight a day. Also turn off all televisions and all lights before sleeping.

Omega 3 and Omega 6 - Omega 3 is anti-inflammatory and includes ALA, EPA and DHA. Omega 6 is pro-inflammatory and includes LA, GLA and AA. 

The ideal diet is 2 parts Omega 6 to 1 part Omega 3. The typical North American diet is composed of 20 parts Omega 6 to 1 part Omega 3! 

Fish has Omega 3 and Omega 6. I don't know how to implement this in my life. I'll take my chances with whatever I'm eating and in whatever amounts. 

Nature, walking on the woods, parks - the air in nature has probiotic bacteria and is good for health and for dealing with depression.* 

The coronavirus mask can inhibit this. It's good that if one is alone or not with too many people to take off the coronavirus mask. 

*Source: Stephen Ilardi: Therapeutic Lifestyle Changes For Depression / KU College of Liberal Arts & Sciences, YouTube

Sunday, November 21

I don't think that I've become calmer as much as I've become inured to the poison of daily life. 

Not only do I not only know how my further could get better, I don't see how my future will get better. 

I'm not sure that God has a vested interest in making people's lives better. With some people you can see that their lives will clearly never get better. The obese person who weighs over 400 pounds, the amputee beggar in a wheelchair on the street. Their life could and also would never get better. 

Perhaps it could get better. The obese person could miraculously lose weight. The amputee could get a robotic prosthetic. Either of these people can win the lottery or else get a windfall and perhaps move to better and more luxurious accommodations. Either of these people could find true love. 

NDEs are a racket. They are religion and Christianity for the atheist. All people on YouTube who said that they had an NDE are spurring on a movement that Raymond Moody brought about in 1975 with his book Life After Life. 

All the people who said they had an NDE and saw heaven are Christians or people who had a Christian upbringing. You never hear of someone from Islam, Buddhism, Hinduism, Sikhism, North American Indian Spirituality, etc having had a Near Death Experience. NDE stories are Christianity light. There is nothing wrong with Christianity. 

One should love a good life because it is the decent thing to do. That's what Jesus taught, "So unto others as you would have them do unto you." Not because they want to go to heaven as a reward. There may or may not be heaven as such. Heaven is perfection and non ending bliss. No stress and no negativity. 

In a YouTube video called Utopia The Perfect Amount of Awful it says that without mean and negative people, the special and loved people in our life would not be so precious and special. Without struggle and difficulty, the accomplishments would not be so meaningful. I think heaven will have its stress points. Loved ones from the afterlife visit people in their dreams. If those afterlife people would have to communicate and interact with the likes of us even in a dream, that must be one of the stress points of heaven or the afterlife. 

I don't know what to believe. Believe in God and Jesus. Why not? There are worse things to believe in. Anything that makes one strive to be a better person is a good thing to believe. 

I saw a YouTube video that said that it is OK to give up on a dream of the dream isn't taking you where you want it to go of it isn't getting you the results you want then it's better just let it go and to try another another dream. My last YouTune video only has 13 views. I'm just an artist trying to make an honest living and all the World wants to do is just rip me off. Me and millions of others. A lot of people on YouTube get low view counts and make no money. It's a waste of time and energy. 

Publishing is one of the most dishonest industries and makes lawyers and politicians seem honest by comparison. A lot of publishers are thrives and rip off writers and artists. YouTube rips off a lot of people. It's better to just quit then. Just give up on it. Do not cast your pearls before swine. 

Case in point, my very last cartoon called Emily Carr's Monkey Woo has only 13 views and a copyright claim. That means they commandeered the video in terms of view count and monetization. After all my hard work. I used a snippet ofma song to share my vision as the cartoon would not be exactly the same or exactly right without that song. Not even sharing. They totally commandeered and colored my cartoon. Would you blame me for quitting. What a sleazy set up, what a bullshit scene. I'm through with making cartoons for YouTube after the way they treated me. I'm not happy with it. It's not something that I want and it's not something that I need. Forget it. Could you blame me? If you were treated in that shoddy way, you'd quit too. Better to not use my talent at all than to use my talent and to have that happen. Uh, no thanks. Waste of time, waste of energy.

As for sharing my talent with the World to inspire. Haven't I done that for long enough? There are lots of towns with lots of talented people. In the years to come there will be more and others more talented than me to come along and share their talents. Hopefully they get treated better than I did. Hopefully they get some money for what they do. It didn't work out for me so I quit. I doubt that YouTune actually knows about me. YouTube is a machine with so many millions of uploaders. I doubt that the actual CEOs of YouTube know about me. I'm a Canadian in Canada. 

I've stopped doing cartoons and I stopped uploading to YouTube and I've been much happier ever since. 

The United States is a great teacher and I've met a lot of good teachers from the United States on YouTube like Douglas Bloch, Dr Steven St John and also Andrea Perron.

However YouTube worked out or didn't work out for me, I am thankful to them for hosting my videos for so many years as amateur as my cartoons are. The production values are barely there for a cartoon. Hardly any turning heads of the characters, shifting facial expressions and with one one or two voices at most in the cartoons and a paucity of dialogue and or narration. Still, YouTube was kind enough to host my videos. There are lots of YouTubers who don't have as many subscribers or views as I have. 

The United States is a very ambitious country that strives for excellence. I wish the United States the very best and may God be with them. We will all pull out of this covid thing together. God bless the United States of America. 

A couple of incipient ideas that I might have had for doing cartoons:

Dune 2021 comedy parody. Points: 

1. "Do the Bene Gesserit Weirding Jedi Mind Control voice." It's a Donald Duck voice.

2. "The Harkonnens became insanely rich mining spice off of our planet Arrakis." Scenes of soldier formations and large Harkonnen craft with emblems on it like Atari, Starbucks, Microsoft etc. Turn around 180 degrees to a view of the parapet and Elon Musk or else Jeff Bezos standing there in a Harkonnen guard uniform in place of Dave Bautista. 

3. Baron Harkonnen says, "My Arrakis. My Dune.", then floats up getting larger until he pops like a balloon. 

I need more jokes but haven't thought of any.

Dr Bonnie Henry in space. She makes a speech in a spaceship, puts on a covid mask and flies off to another planet to fight an interplanetary pandemic. Dr Bonnie Henry's speaking parts made up of clips and snippets from her speeches from videos on YouTube. 

Useless ideas. A lot of my cartoons have to do with space and science fiction which is an often used go to venue for stories for animation. 

I won't do it. YouTube treated me bad. My cartoon and art career is going nowhere. Just ideas, that's all. 

I am a servant of Christ. 

Please if anyone can, please pray for me to stop smoking. 

Your prayers work. Before I asked you to pray for my death. What I got instead is the sheer indomitable will to live and to go on living however difficult things may be. 

I sometimes wonder if the billionaires like Bill Gates and Elon Musk are Christians. Or are they godless atheist who worship the God of Money. What about YouTube CEOs? Do they worship the God of money too? A lot of people on YouTube have been on for years yet the YouTube algorithm suppresses them while promoting others. 

Some seem promoted but it's only levels. A YouTuber with 100,000 subscribers would wonder why some on a similar genre would get a million subscribers. And those with a million subscribers wonder why some get ten million subscribers and on and on it goes. 

There is a sweet lady at Church that I would like to say hi to but feel nervous about saying hi to her. And shy too. However I do have a shy personality. To me, she represents a person who is entirely without sin. I would just like to say hi quickly to her and to give her a smile although smiles are hard to encounter these days as we are all wearing coronavirus masks. I think I said hi to her ten years ago when I went to that Church but for years I haven't gone to that Church. I went to another Church instead just because I'm fickle. I hope that she isn't angry at me although the Lord's Prayer admonishes Christians to forgive others as long as it's reasonable enough to do so. I hope I get a chance to say hello to her one day. She is a Leader of the choir and thus she is like a Churchly rock star to me. I think that she is pure and without sin although that is an ideal. She might have a few issues as we all do but that sure isn't obvious not in the slightest. With other people I think they're sleazy and lowly and then when I meet them I find out that they're pretty good people. It is misleading to place an absolute ideal on most people be it thinking that they are pure without sin or else sleazy reprobates. 

I am nervous around her so that might make her nervous around me. I think that she thinks I'm a reprobate and certainly not on the pristine level that she and the other priests, clergy etc are on. 

The Priests seem perfect and without sin. 

Hopefully God will grant me at least just one chance to say hello to her and to give her a smile. That's it. That's all. Hopefully she is friendly enough to me. If that happens, I'd be floating on a cloud for the rest of the week and that would inspire me to be a better Christian. I know who I'm talking about. You don't. That's life. This lady is pure white that is without sin, and pure as the driven snow. I hope that she doesn't think of me as a reprobate. I am not a reprobate as I meditate sometimes and I strive to be a better Christian although I haven't quit smoking. I hope to quit smoking one day. 

Given how pure and pristine this lady is and how much of a reprobate she might think I'm am, I have doubts that I will ever be able to exchange a quick friendly hello with her. 

She ignores me. Best to avoid those who ignore. Go to where the love is. Don't go to where the love isn't. 

I am not a reprobate. I shower often. I try to keep my room clean. I meditate often. I go to Church and I think that a relationship with God and Jesus is indeed valuable. I try to be kind to others. I often pick up garbage on the street if I feel it could be hazardous to people like a round rock that a person can step on and trip and crack their head on the pavement, worst case scenario. I look out for things like that. I also pick up shards of glass that a person might otherwise step on. Or else plastic that a person's foot can slide on and trip. I also am very helpful to my handicapped lady friend although I gripe often at the seemingly unending amount of work, month in month out. She is a very sweet lady. The months are already spoken for in advance and they are months clotted with work. My foreseeable future is gutted with work yet I still do it. It's either a no win situation being work work work or else the bittersweet sad experience of her being moved to an assisted living facility. Or it's a win win situation the work gives me a chance to be a better Christian, the work alleviates the monotony of a boring solitary life and gives me a chance to talk with someone otherwise on some days the only people I talk to all day is in the form of a few quick words with a waitress or shopkeeper. The work doesn't fuck up my future, it enhances my future. If she moves to assisted living then the work is over and I am on a permanent vacation from work. I can do my own thing and my carefree happy go lucky cool isn't compromised with work. I am also not a reprobate as I never hit up my family for money or handouts like other people do. Whatever I have, I rely on myself. 

Christmas movies recommended:

A Christmas Carol, 2000. Set in modern day England Eddy Scrooge is a loan shark until he gets a visit from three ghosts. 

A Kiss Before Christmas. On the W channel or else Women's Network channel. It's a wonderful life style story. Butterfly Effect style story. A man gets to go back into the past and make a different choice forsaking the seemingly troubled life he has now for a different presumably equally troubled life.

I wrote an email to God care of godsemailbox.com: 

Dear God, Our Father in Heaven:

This past summer I had PTSD and burnout. There is a story in the Bible about a king who didn't believe in God so God turned his brain into the brain of an animal. That's what cortisol in the body does over a long period of time, it causes brain damage to the point where one's brain is like that of an animal. It was painful. The quality was that it felt like boulders rolling painfully in the brain along with painful burning hot coals in the stomach. Chronic anxiety disorder. 

I have been months in healing from that. 

After going to Church, listening to 70s music in the afternoon and evening have brought about a feeling of sheer bliss. 

I still get small pockets of anxiety. 

I hope that God can heal me completely from anxiety. I hope that God can help me to quit smoking tobacco so I can serve God, be of benefit to myself and be of benefit to the people around me. This is pray in Jesus name. 

I hope I can write to you again in the future. Also I often fear the future. I hope God can help me with this too. 

Yours, in Jesus name, 

Dean Noble

No reply is expected since I didn't send a return email. If I did, it would be in the junk email pile and I hate looking at that because spammers and worse, scammers send me and everyone else email there. 

I hope that God helps me. 

That's a formula for the bliss of heavenly vibes. Go to Church in the morning. Study the stained glass windows and listen deeply to the Church music as they use different notes than that used in rock music. 

Then in the afternoon and evening, listen to 70s music. 80s music if you can't get 70s music. The result is the sheer bliss of heavenly vibes. What is the science behind that? Why don't more people in my building go to Church and then listen to 70s music? Why haven't more people discovered this to the point where they're actually talking to me about it? 

I look forward to Sundays. Why can't it be Sunday 7 days a week? Tomorrow, these vibes will be gone. I can only experience heaven once a week. 

I wonder if the Priests and Church people themselves listen to 70s music after going to Church? 

I use Stingray music The 70s to listen to 70s music. 

Sundays it's 70s music. The rest of the week it's 80s music. 

You must think I'm a religious nut. I'd rather go to Church than a nightclub. Nightclubs are all about booze. If I meet a lady in the nightclub, the worst thing that can happen is I knock her up and then be on the hook for child support. I'm glad I never had children. It's a real gamble. I see the Priests and their assistants at Church and I think that if I were a father, I'd be proud to have children who are like them. However when I see the undisciplined delinquent drug addicts living homeless on the street and some can be yelling loudly and acting psychotic, I think that's a disincentive to breeding if I've ever seen any and I would not ever want to have children like that.

Hypes and junkies. Better no children at all than children who grow up to be like that or else one of the rude people I run into one the street, on the bus and in shopping malls. These are middle class people too. Just the same, I wouldn't want to have children who grow up to be like that. Forget it! The human species leaves much to be desired. 

Just the same I usually don't feel loved at Church. I feel merely tolerated. Most Church people are snobby and standoffish. I still go to Church in spite of this. The stained glass windows, the architecture, the music, that's why I go. The people isn't exactly why I go except for the Priests and the Churchly personnel including the choir who sings music well. I wonder if the Priests think I'm a reprobate? Hopefully not. 

Go to where you are loved, don't go to where you are merely tolerated. If I found a more loving Church I'd go there. In this town, there's no such thing. That's life.

Thank you God, for the gift of life. However difficult things can get, life is still a gift to be cherished. 

This has to be written often to rewire the brain. This is a solution to ongoing PTSD and symptoms of burnout. Also to ward off anxiety. 

Thank you God for 

1. My health

2. That I have a roof over my head

3. My friends

4. That I live in a clean and vibrant town

5. My television and internet including YouTube

6. The gift of life 

Tuesday is half price movie day. I plan to see only two more movies this year. The movies are Ghostbusters Afterlife and House of Gucci. 

Next year there is so far only two movies I want to see: Batman with Robert Pattinson and Matrix Resurrections. Bat and Mat. 

This year, I saw F-9, Roadrunner, Beans, Shang-Chi, No Time To Die, Dune 2x and Spencer. I saw Dune twice, the second time was at Imax. 

Looks like I might see Matrix either this year or next year as the release date is Dec. 22, 2021.

I'm mulling over whether to see House of Gucci or not. Grace Randolph said the movie was boring. I never heard her say that about a movie before. On IMDB user reviews however, 2 out of 4 reviewers gave it a 10/10. It's not an uplifting story. A lady marries into rich family and has a hitman kill her husband when he is cheating on her with a younger woman. I'm still deciding now. I'll see what other movie reviewers on YouTube say. 

Patrizia Reggiani said. "It's better to cry in Rolls Royce than to be happy on a bicycle. That's for sure." That's twisted! I'd rather be blissful while on a Razor kickscooter than to suffer PTSD and burnout and extreme anxiety in a Mercedes. Jesus said that the kingdom of God is within. It's how you feel inside that's most important. Ask any PTSD sufferer. 

I still have food anxiety. I didn't have it so much if at all years ago. Perhaps I can come ful circle and get back to that state. 

It started years ago at the morning soup kitchen. I was and am appetite inhibited in the morning. That was a slight thing. Now it's a full blown psychosis. Psychosis is the inability to distinguish between imagination and reality. 

I used to smoke weed. With weed, one gets the munchies but then eating brings you down. That was the main cause of apetite inhibition. Not wanting to come down. This mania still persists even though I quit smoking weed. 

One day, I'll find a solution to this problem. Often, if I think about something long enough, I'll encounter or else think of a solution. 

Sometimes food anxiety is from not wanting to eat something but not wanting to throw it out. Food hoarding even food that has expired wanting to eat it to not waste it at the same time not wanting to eat expired food. 

Again, I'll find a solution to this one day. Hopefully God can help me with this. 

I think I'm brain damaged. And food anxiety is a sign of it. 

There are worse food anxieties like anorexia and bulimia. Thankfully I don't have that. 

Anxiety is the brain lying. Usually, I feel anxiety about something and then when I go through it, it's not so bad. Besides, eating can be a celebratory and nostalgic experience. 

Hopefully this is just a phase I'm going through.

My food anxiety partly is from my subconscious remembering that I twice had food poisoning one bad case and one mild case and that I once had tapeworms for two weeks until I went to see a doctor. 

Tuesday, November 23

I thank God for the gift of life. Life can be difficult at times yet life is something to be cherished. 

"Those who best raise children are those who never had to raise any." Jewish saying

I admire people who have raised children. Children are the future generation. People who raisemchildfen have a strength and fortitude that I don't have. At age 51, that ship has sailed for me. Me and tons of other people have neither gotten married nor raised children. I thank God for my life however it has or hasn't turned out. I leave my life in God's hands with God's guidance and with faith that God is looking out for me. 

Socializing especially after Church socials is about either I wish I said something but didn't or else I said something and wish I didn't say it. That's classic with socializing. I wouldn't worry about it. 

For years I wanted to meet David Suzuki. I would tell him that he is a great scientist and that I like science too. Recently David Suzuki said something about pipelines being blown up. Just when you thought you knew somebody. He was in town a couple of days ago. I didn't know that. I'm not sure I want to meet him. 

Not am I only not sure how my future could get better, I am not sure how my future will get better. 

I saw Ghostbusters Afterlife. The family of Egon Spengler moved to a small town. Small towns are wonderful places. Small towns have a much slower pace of life. Small towns are the farming communities of which big cities rely on for food supply. I prefer to live in a bigger city but small towns have the most wonderful Sunday vibes. 

Going to a small town that is a backwater shithole dead hole is a mistake. I'd advise anyone against it. Small town full of drunks. Shit infrastructure or else no infrastructure. Uh, no thanks. 

"Why do small towns have small populations? Because no one wants to go there!" Bill Maher

Avoid small towns that don't have tourist busses going through there. No tourist would want to go there. 

It's absolutely bizarre that Ghostbusters Afterlife would be set in some backwater shithole town. 

The story was very fast paced. So fast that I couldn't fully get all the fast moving scenes. My mind wandered. There was a big surprise that was spoiled for me when I saw I saw a picture of the original Ghostbusters appearing in the movie. I so wish I hadn't seen that picture. However another scene made me weep tears of love. It is a scene that suggests that in our darkest times, the spirits of our grandparents are with us to guide us. I have had a few strong dreams where I have seen my grandparents so I know that's true. I once had a strong morning dream of my grandfather looking young sitting on a chair ever so calmly wearing a plaid shirt that he always used to wear. The dream was so strong that I woke up with tears streaming down my face. This movie makes me want to see Ghostbusters and Ghostbusters 2 again. I can see it on a movie streaming website which there are several. I used to have the DVDs but I sold them in an effort to totally clean my room and to streamline my inventory. My ideal is to have my room look like a zen minimalist Ikea showroom from the 80s. My room is far from that. It's difficult to have that if one is a hoarder. 

I would very much recommend this movie. This movie has not too much fan service. Some but not much. It felt like a standalone adventure movie that is complex. I'm thinking that there would be follow up movies to this as this is the next generation of Ghostbusters. Ghostbusters is very limited in what it could do, use the Ecto-1, find ghosts, use the proton packs, and use the traps. That's it. Maybe a good story can be written for a prequel. This movie makes me wonder if the ancient Babylonians really knew about opening portals to other dimensions. Hollywood is 100% real. 

I've read online that men who masturbate a minimum of 23 times a month had a decreased risk for prostate cancer vs men who only did it 4 to 7 times a month. The difference in risk is 20%. 

A comment said, "Do it as often as you want to."

That leads to fear based masturbation. Masturbation quotas. That one must do it or else get prostate cancer. Do it as often or seldom as you want to. The increase in risk is moderate. Of course this doesn't prevent someone from getting other kinds of cancer. It also doesn't prevent one from dying of a stroke or heart attack or dying in a vehicle related accident either in a car or walking across the street and being struck by a car. 

As one ages they slow down and the need to masturbate decreases. One cannot masturbate in stressful times like during a global pandemic. I will ask a doctor about this if I get the chance. One day, I'll find a really good answer to this question. 

Googling 'Do monks get prostate cancer' disclosed that monks have a much lower rate of prostate cancer than the general population. That is quite the statement given their life of chastity. Therefore mastubating or not mastubating neither increases or decreases the risk of prostate cancer. 

If not ejaculating regularly means a 20% increase in the possibility of prostate cancer that means that not all men who refrain from ejaculating regularly will get prostate cancer and it means that not all men who ejaculate regularly will not get prostate cancer. Do it as often or seldom as wanted. This means that is a ratio of 6:5 between men who seldom ejaculated and men who ejaculate regularly through sex or masturbation respectively regarding incidence of those who get prostate cancer. 

However, in general, most men don't get prostate cancer at all. 

I have issues when it comes to this. I have looked at animated cartoon porn such as Mother Rose. Also a cartoon porn about Bart Simpson getting it on with his mother Marge Simpson. This disturbs me. And brings fear. 

The comments on these types of videos often say, "Hot" and "I would like to do her."

I have generalized anxiety disorder and fear. Including fear of masturbation and sex. I truly wonder what kind of future I will have. I fear the future. 

Thursday, November 25

I am watching 2 Noah's Ark movies on YouTube due to the storms coming up for BC Province. 

Empaths cut energy cords. People positive and negative can attach energy cords to you. Sitting down, imagine a cord leading from your body to the Earth grounding you. Then visualize energy cords from you to all different people in your life even people you walked past on the street. Positive energy cords are silver and gold. Negative energy cords look ugly like dark gnarled tree branches. Imagine a pair of scissors cutting all the negative energy cords. Then imagine the grounding cord from the earth going back to your body freeing you. I'll try this. It will take a few weeks for it to finally kick in. 

Recommended:

A Time For Heaven. A Box of Faith. These movies on YouTube star Julie Van Lith. She reminds me of a a sweet lady I know which is why I am starting to be a fan of her. Every time I see her, I think of the sweet lady friend of mine.

Baader Meinhof effect? 

These are Christian movies. A Box of Faith stars Julie Van Lith's daughter. 

I am going to watch another movie of Julie Van Lith's called Anxiety and Depression. 

A Time For Heaven is about an old man who is dying. A nurse attends to him. The nurse arranges for the dying man to meet his estranged children. 

A Box of Faith is about a young girl living on her own in a storage shed after her father is wrongly framed and sent to prison. 

Julie Van Lith and an actor named Bill Bill Wetherill stars in all 3 of these movies. 

Friday, November 26, 2021

In one of the movies, it was noted that Julie Van Lith had an accent. She then said that she grew up in South Africa. 

The News announced on Friday November 26 that there is a new Covid variant called Omicron from South Africa. This could represent a 4th, 5th, and 6th wave the News said. Many countries including Canada have issued an immediate travel ban. 

OMICRON is an anagram of Moronic. Also NO MICRON. 

"As an old man I have known a great many troubles. Most of which have never happened." Mark Twain

South Africa is a great land. Capetown used to be called Kaapstad. Lots of great people including Elon Musk and Charlize Theron is from South Africa. May the troubles of South Africa pass them quickly. 

Most people in South Africa are more together than I am. 

Whereas I am afflicted with mental illness. I have anxiety, obsessive coompulsive disorder, I pick up garbage off the streets only to keep it for whatever amount of time usually a short time then decide I don't want it and then throw it away. I also haven't yet kicked my addiction to nicotine and tobacco. Although I do want to quit tobacco. I pray to God everyday that I can quit tobacco. If I pray often enough, one day I'll quit. Praying I think increases the chances that I will quit. 

God bless South Africa. 

Prince William has been criticized for his remarks about the South African population. However, I believe that he is absolutely right. But his comment could be extended to include the population of all countries. The world is overpopulated as it is. 

In 1804 the World's population reached 1 billion. In 1920, the World's population was 2.2 billion. Today its 7.7 billion. 

In 2050, the World's population is expected to reach 10 billion. 

With the real estate problems and climate change and given how just wretched a lot of humans are, are, ripping each other off etc I'm glad I never had any children. My family line is garbage and the human species is largely garbage. 

"Family's on the line. Whatever's on the line." William Shatner, Priceline

There are a lot of people I wish I never met. There are lots of towns I wish I never went to. 

What's worse than never having children is to have a child who will grow up to be someone who you just hate. 

Look at the downtown Eastside of Vancouver on Hastings Street. There's a disincentive for breeding if I've ever seen any. 

I'm glad that I was never on the hook for child support. 

I'm glad I never married an Asian lady, had children with her and then be speaking the Asian language to the children while living in Canada. I can't stand Asian languages. I got no use for them. The Chinese have a saying: Hie-ya ching-ah chong-ah hie-ya! 

Often, what seems to be bad luck turns out to be good luck. 

I couldn't handle the responsibility of marriage and children. 

At my age, in my 50s I don't have to worry about that anymore. 

You can't win them all but as it turns out you can't lose them all either. I dodged the bullet and lucked out when I wound up not having any children. I don't have the patience to raise children. Parental burnout. The human species is a wretched pernicious species and there won't be any humans in less than 200 years at this rate. Maybe even in less than 100 years. 

Never mind coronavirus, humans are the virus on this planet just running everything to the ground. 

"I don't know which species is worse. At least you don't see them screwing each other over for a goddamned percentage." Sigourney Weaver, Aliens

The government of the Province of BC passed a few bills without any debate from the opposition. Dictatorship. 

Before or else if I ever smoke weed again, I will have to completely get over the notion that people are planning to kill me for some of the crazy things I've written on the internet. 

The paranoia was through the roof! 

If they were to do it, why didn't they do it already? Why trade a larger window of time for a smaller window of time? If someone was to kill me, they'd be circumventing years if not decades of poverty. I have no future anyways. As far as I can see, my only future is loneliness, poverty and masturbation. 

However there are people who lived lives more intense and more bad than me who were never killed. For eg people who went to prison for killing one or more people and then were released into the general population. They have since been completely reformed but just the same, noone has killed them.

There people who protests with banners were organized against and they were never killed. 

God will protect me if I am a good person. And the Police will protect me. We are all under the law. If someone kills anyone, the Police will arrest them. 

I still have to work this out or else I will never smoke weed again as this is what comes up whenever I smoke pot and get paranoid. Otherwise I can never smoke weed ever again. 

As far as writing crazy things on the internet I doubt that I'd be the worse. Not by a long shot. Anti vaxxers and conspiracy theorists write much crazier things than I can even think of. And most of them if not all of them were never killed. 

It's ironic. When weed was illegal I smoked often. Let's face it. I was on a 24 hour a day permastone. Now when it's legal, I never smoke it. 

It's tragic that in Vancouver, even though poor if you're a Christian, non smoker, into meditation, don't do drugs, is an honest and good person, the only place you could afford to live is in the downtown Eastside. That neighborhood is like a garbage can turned inside out. It's like a Hieronymous Bosch painting, only worse. The streets in that neighborhood is saturated with adult delinquents. Lots of Goofuses. Not many Gallants.

That neighborhood looks like an episode of of Hoarding: Buried Alive. 

Despite the excellent work of the Police, that neighborhood has gotten steadily worse which makes you wonder how much worse that neighborhood would be without the Police. 

The Mayor, the MLA and the MP in charge of that neighborhood in that city if they did a good job, it would've steadily gotten better, cleaner. They have been astonishly incompetent and that area of that city is incredibly mismanaged which is why it's gotten steadily worse, dirtier. They did an absolutely terrible job! 

The current Mayor of Vancouver is stepping down amidst a legacy of increased crime and dissolution in the city. Way to go Mayor. 

In the old days they didn't have the slush funds from the real estate speculation bubble yet had enough resources to house the mentally ill in institutions like Riverview. Now they have all that real estate speculation revenue but leave the mentally ill to live on the streets and to fend for themselves. 

I'm glad I never had any children because this is the type of world they would have grown up in.

My friend the handicapped lady clearly needs to be in an assisted living facility. But she isn't because the fucking government is incompetent and substandard when it comes to providing adequate housing for its citizens so as a result, anything the nurses don't do and anything she can't do, I am guilt tripped to do leaving me holding the bag. It's put on me to do the work and for how many more months to come I don't know. My months are destroyed in advance. That's the trap that life has put me in. Other residents in my hotel get to take it easy and keep to themselves during the pandemic. I had to work work work during the pandemic. Life often has a way of just kicking me in the teeth. I wish that she would be moved into assisted living so I can get back to my carefree leisurely life. Life just has to put me in such a trap. My only solution is to move to Vancouver and leave her to fend for herself which is what the government is already doing. Other people in this hotel get to relax during the pandemic. I had this huge dump of work unloaded onto me during the pandemic. The landlord wants her to go to an assisted living facility. He's written several letters to the health care industry to no avail. Useless healthcare industry. She can't take care of herself. This is a hotel for normal people. This hotel doesn't do medical shit. I hate this useless government. If this was Western Europe, she'd have already long been sent to an assisted living facility. 

"You know what they do to people who can't walk!" Dustin Hoffman, Midnight Cowboy

The handicapped lady taught me something. That I lucked out in never having any children. If I can't take care of a handicapped lady to the level that I did for a year without burning out, there's no way I could take care of a child let alone a few children for years and years without burning out for sure. Taking care of children is ten times the work at least. I'd always be comparing that life to the leisurely life that I lived before. 

 

I'd move to Vancouver if I could live in any neighborhood other than the downtown Eastside. I'd especially like to live in Kitsilano or else Point Grey. It looks like I'll never be moving to Vancouver to live ever again. There are no reasonable options there. The city is overpriced. Venal. Not worth it. 

I'm only going to be around for twenty and a handful of years at most. That time goes fast. Then I won't have to think about Vancouver's messy situation  in one way or another. In one's 50s one is too close to the end yet not close enough. There is more of an acceptance in one's 60s. The end is relatively close. After the end, one doesn't have to worry about the tawdry worries and to further see the ongoing chronic mismanagement of a city that's gone to the dogs. 

No one reads what I write anyways. Words are useless. 

Steve Wallace who was a local driving instructor died yesterday on Thursday. I met him on the street once and I said, "I've seen you on television commercials." He seemed happy but also a bit distracted. In the time since I met him he was charged with sexual assault, three counts. Those charges were dropped days before he died. Charges notwithstanding, may he rest in peace. 

Saturday, November 27

I never suggest in my cartoons that someone should subscribe, share, and like. I couldn't care less if someone does that or not. I come from the old generation where entertainment on television never suggested that. 

My cartoons simply never worked out for me so I quit. That's my advice, if something isn't working out, quit it. 

On the website noxinfluencer dot com, I did a name search of myself. My earnings were $0 - $0. 

Others including Douglas Bloch, iJustine, Jean Claude Van Couver, and Brittyy44 all had earnings reported on noxinfluencer. 

Had I known 12 years ago that I'd be on YouTube working hard doing cartoons and after all that time get $0, I wouldn't have even bothered. It's not too late to salvage my future. Work another few years and get $0 earnings reported on noxinfluencer? Uh, no thanks. I quit. It was mainly a waste of time. 

There is a Zen story. 

A monk gets hospitality at a couple's estate. On the estate there was a cow. 

After the monk stayed there, the couple asked the monk for any advice. The monk said, "Kill the cow." The couple did that and sold the meat in the market which allowed the couple to get new and useful social connections and to live a more socially expansive life. 

Moral: Get rid of anything in your life that weighs you down, including YouTube video making projects that earn you no money even years later,  and live a more authentic life. 

I feel a lot better since I quit. I haven't done any cartoons for awhile now. A lot of talented guitarists quit when their talent was taking them nowhere. 

Sunday, November 28

Day of Advent. Also first day of Hannukah

Jesus taught to forgive people. What does that mean? What does that look like? There are many forms of revenge and there are many forms of forgiveness. Is moving to another town and not contacting someone ever again a form of revenge or a form of forgiveness? In my case it's forgiveness because at the same time I also never contacted them and insulted nor verbally abused them.

Forgiveness means imagining that any person who did me wrong in the past approach me and say that they specifically regret doing that thing. I would say, "Forget it. It's OK. Don't worry about it. Get on with your life. And I hope that you live the rest of your life even to old age without fear and without pain." 

I wouldn't wish fear and pain on my worst enemy. If they feel pain, then they should go to a doctor and get it looked at and treated. 

Matthew 6:8, "Forgive the bad things I did and mistakes I made to people as I forgive the bad things and mistakes that people did towards me." Paraphrased. 

The new scariants are there to get people vaccinated. 

There are other things the pandemic brings which is just as deadly. Increased depression and anxiety, increased social isolation, increased drug use, increased suicides, people dying from cancelled surgeries. 

Most media websites have closed the comments section on videos about covid and different strains of covid. The media is very hyper and persistent with their single perspective narrative. Media fears dissent so much that they steamroll over anyone who disagrees with their ratings grabbing single point narrative. 

Mediocracy is government run by medical people. The government is no longer democratic, it's medicocratic. 

A lot of doctors online like Dr John Campbell on YouTube say that the symptoms of Omicron are mild. If Covid kills less than one percent of the population, Omicron would kill less than 5 percent of the population. Less if you're vaccinated. A lot of people with covid are asymptomatic. 

This pandemic is about population control and social engineering. 

Do not fear life and do not fear death. Don't live in such a way that you fear life and fear death. Life is a gift but when it comes to the time, I place my life in the hands of God. 

I don't care. If this Omicron virus was to convince me to get the third booster shot, that's unnecessary. I am going to get the third booster shot anyways. I'm going to get it in late December early January at Shoppers Drug Mart. The new strains are a kind of advertisement for people to get vaccinated. 

Of it means lockdown leading to staying at home more, I was already living like that before the pandemic. 

The vaccine won't be tweaked for omicron until January 2022. I'll get my third booster shot in late January rather than in December. I got my 2nd vaccine shot in late June. A 6 to 8 month window is recommended between vaccine shots. 

It's normal for viruses to have different strains. AIDS or HIV has 9 main strains. A, B, C, D, F, G, H, J and K. The B strain is the most common strain in the United States. The C strain is the most common worldwide. 

Scientists are learning about a new HIV strain M-1 which sounds like a BMW car model. 

Google: How many strains of HIV

There are over 200 strains of the common cold.  

Known covid strains: Alpha or original, Delta, Mu, Lambda, and Omicron. 

Perhaps Omega being the last letter in the Greek alphabet will be the last strain that finishes us off.  Or the weakest strain. A hybrid is when a deadly virus mixes with a non deadly antibody, thus each generation is weaker as it becomes more and more genetically watered down in genetic drift. 

A deadly virus merges with normal antibodies in an attempt to be more genetically normalized so as to more easily infiltrate other host organisms. 

Law of declining virulence. Its in a virus's evolutionary best interest to become more transmissible but weaker in strength since if the host is killed, the virus's objective is self defeated. It can't transmit to new hosts as well it dies along with the host. 

Law of declining virulence. Professor Theobald Smith.* Host and virus develop a mutually beneficial symbiotic relationship over time. 

*source: Wikipedia. Theobald Smith

Parasitic type of symbiosis: it is against the interest of the parasite to kill the host since it itself is killed and cannot horizontally replicate that is replicate among strangers. Vertical replication is between parent and child. 

If a person is already immunocompromised then any covid variant can hit them a lot worse. So can the common cold. 

BMW M-1.

There two kinds of advertisement

Positive - good things will happen to you if you get this product

Negative - bad things will happen to you if you don't get this product

Covid strains is negative advertisement for vaccines. 

The work for the handicapped lady isn't much. She is my girlfriend. A few minutes here, a few minutes there, at most. I acquiesce and volunteer my time to work for her to alleviate boredom to the point of doing it seven days a week as of I were taking care of a pet. If one has a dog, one has to walk it all 7 days of the week. Any pet has to be fed all 7 days of the week too. I've had pets. I'd like to get a pet cat but this hotel has a no pets rule. Pets could be costly. It costs at least $100 a month or more to feed a pet. Vet bills are very pricey. Just as well is the no pets rule. 

Omicron is the letter O in the Greek alphabet, just before pi. Some University frat houses or else sorority houses are probably called omicron. 

Covid strains all sounds Greek to me. 

All languages besides English are weird. 

This evening I had a strange dream but I don't know how to talk about it. I was in a elevator. I was taken to the land of the dead and met dead people black and white. I asked them how they felt. "Just like living." they said. Then I was told I'd be explained why Brexit happened, why England had to separate from Europe. I was never given the explanation. Typical. There was an old kind British woman with me. When I asked, "Am I breathing?" I woke up. 

After having this weird dream, I wonder if I'll die soon. 

If covid was the only thing that could kill people. There was a TV show called 1,000 Ways To Die. Car accidents, stroke, heart attack, cancer etc. 

Besides covid there is food insecurity and housing insecurity. What a world! I'm glad that I never had children. 

I'm age 51. I wonder if I'll make it to 60.  I have a few issues like the never ending sebaceous cyst on my face and the weird hard snot thing in my nose that just never seems to go away. I've seen doctors about these things. No good answer. Ever. Because of these issues, I wonder if I will die soon. 

Jeremiah 29:11

New International Version

11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Monday, November 29 or else Monday, 29:11 see above

Lots of people don't like cell phones. For the convenience it's too expensive. Lots of scammers call cell phones too. 

Telephone booths should be brought back and instead of using phone cards from 7-11 which expire in a month, one time I used a phone card 4 months after purchasing and it didn't work. Pay phones should accept debit cards. First dial in the number you want to call then dial in the number of minutes you expect to use it for. Then tap using a debit card and call. Works for long distance too. Especially long distance since local calls are 50 cents. If the call is less than the minutes dialed in then too bad. No refunded minutes. Unless there is a tap feature that refunds the money back for unused time. If the unused time is less than a dollar's worth, too bad. Or else once you reach the time limit that you dialed in, the phone automatically clicks off and you have to call again. Why don't the geniuses at the phone company think of that? Lots of people don't like or don't use cell phones it just about everyone has a bank issued debit card. 

I would only need to use the phone if I am planning to move to Vancouver. I'd call a few rooming houses and ask about the monthly rent. Or even if I am planning a two or three day vacation, or even a one week vacation, I'd call and ask about daily and weekly rates. As it is, my courage to travel has evaporated. I no longer have the spirit of adventure like Indiana Jones or a Star Ward Jedi Knight. Until I get my courage to travel back again, all bets are off for traveling to Vancouver or else London UK. Will I ever get my courage back? Time will tell. Please pray for me to get my courage back. 

Jesus had the courage to travel although he only traveled around  within Israel. He traveled from Bethlehem to Nazareth to Jerusalem. Maybe Copernaum too. 

Until last year, I had the courage to think about traveling to Vancouver and London UK and even Poland too even to Thailand again. Now any form of traveling is unthinkable to me. The stress of the pandemic and also I'm in my 50s which is old has taken away my courage to travel. At age 51, I'm too old to travel even to Vancouver. Hopefully this is just a phase and one day I'll get my courage back again. 

"I was so much older then, I'm younger than that now." Bob Dylan

I don't want to watch the News anymore. The News is a destabilizing influence. The News is fear porn. The News itself is their own disincentive to watch it. I have mild PTSD and anxiety disorder. The News would only make it worse. Watching the News is the worst thing you could possibly do if you have PTSD and anxiety disorder. The News is sadistic and just likes to scare the shit out of people. People do pay money to be scared whenever they ride the roller coaster which is the most popular ride in any amusement park and also the horror movie industry is a multi billion dollar a year industry including DVD and blu ray sales and renting via streaming. 

Memo: The News just wants to scare the shit out of you every day. If they don't they fear you won't pay attention anymore. It's the shock value they're after. 

I might watch the News only once every two weeks or else once a month. Instead, watch movies on YouTube or else Christmas documentaries on YouTube. Also walking around different cities like Vancouver BC and London UK videos on YouTube is way less disturbing than watching the News. 

Ideally, I would watch only once a day. For two hours. Local News from 5 to 6 and then Vancouver News from 6 to 7. Or else local News from 6 to 7 and then Vancouver News from 7 to 8. 

This watching for endless hours on end every single day is over.

I need to be informed as to when and where to get the 3rd booster shot for covid 19.

It's strange that anti vaxxers aren't so up in arms against people who self inject with illicit drugs because that does have a high potential for fatality. I would advise people not to inject illicit drugs because of the high potential for fatality. 

I think the issue is the government insistence that people get vaccinated for covid. They can only urge and get the News, which is the government's lackey to depict almost propaganda like scary stories to get people to vaccinate. However there is no law for this as a person has a legal right to turn down any medical treatment. They can only issue masking laws for all indoor settings except a person's private property and issue laws that involve vaccine passports for entry to places. 

There is no law for social distancing as that would be impossible to enforce. 

If laws were issued to order people to vaccinate perhaps the pandemic would end sooner. But of course a person is legally entitled to turn down any medical treatment even cancer treatment. 

The government doesn't insist that people self inject illicit drugs. Nor does the News. 

Schizophrenia is when you think the News is making secret cryptic references to you. I sometimes think that the News is making secret cryptic references to me. But then there are ex heads of state of this country who don't think that. There are ex News anchors who don't think that. 

Why should I think that? I'm not important. I am a nobody. I've never met them, they've never met me and chances are they never will. They might meet me for a minute or two, but how many others have they met for a minute or two? Thousands upon thousands of people over the years. So what? 

Tuesday, November 30

Last day of November. 

Strange that a covid variant from South Africa is mentioned on the News the very day after I mentioned South Africa when I wrote about Julie Van Lith and how one of her movies mentioned South Africa. 

All of a sudden a new covid variant from South Africa is announced. It's like they pulled it right out of their ass. 

But would I be the only person in the World to have mentioned South Africa on that day? I doubt it. 

Coronavirus was mentioned the day after I talked about a Royal dream that I had. 

Delusions based on coincidence. There entire books written and YouTube videos made about the strange coincidences in history that surely would number in the millions. 

The auto complete on this strange new keyboard forced on me doesn't have coronavirus and often "corrects" covid as co I'd. 

The News will omit facts and science that goes against their narrative. 

CBC is government controlled. The government is interested in keeping the pandemic going, stirring the pandemic pot because they want to keep people scared and on a leash. They've seen on Facebook and Instagram that people are smug, living better lives than ever, some people live better lives than some politicians and they are jealous. CBC News is the government's lackey. 

Global is corporate owned. Corporations are interested in keeping the pandemic pot stirred to flatten the middle class, not flatten the curve. And also it's about artificial scarcity and price fixing. Global News is the corporate lackey. 

This can only go on for so long. The government doesn't want a crippled society and civilization and people not voting for the ones specifically in power now but voting for those who would successfully promise to end the pandemic. 

Governments enact logically inconsistent masking laws such as that everyone in an indoor setting having presented their double vaccinated passports still has to wear masks. But government in Canada are the same people who enacted laws like having made marijuana illegal for decades, laws making bars close from 4 am to 2 am and now 10 pm because of covid. Governments in other places such as Texas make laws making abortion illegal. Stupid governments are well known for making kooky bullshit laws. 

The government is good at passing bullshit laws. However the government isn't so good at providing assisted living to those who need it. 

Corporations don't want people too broke to buy their products. 

Artificial scarcity leads to price fixing in the form of higher prices but that can only go so far. 

Higher prices eventually lead to higher prices which eventually lead to higher wages and so on. Higher prices, companies doesn't raise wages, people leave for better jobs, companies have a shortage of workers and offer higher wages as incentive which leads to companies raising prices to pay for the wages and so on. 

The US has booster shots available for all adults. Ontario has booster shots for all adults over 50. BC only has booster shots for those over 70 much to the complaints of people. BC is a backwater policy-wonk Province. 

It's a pharmacracy. A government run by pharmacists who want to push their products and vaccines. Except people are legally entitled to turn down any medical treatment including vaccines. Right or wrong, there are a lot of people who choose to do that. 

"I don't want to be vaccinated. I don't want dangerous chemicals going into my body." says the person who smokes two packs of cigarettes a day and drinks 12 beers every weekend of not the person who regularly mainlines heroin and God knows what other drug. 

One group calls the other sheep and brainwashed.

The other group calls the other Trumptards and tin foil hat wearers. 

Divide and conquer. Divide et impera. 

The News is mainly true but with a little bit of bullshit. 

Conspiracy theorists are mainly bullshit but with a little bit of truth. 

First covid cases in Canada arrive at Trudeau international airport in Montreal. Poetic Justice? 

Some people think the pandemic will go on forever. During World War 2, people thought the war would go on forever. Orwell himself wrote, "The war is not meant to be won. It's meant to be fought." 

I'm spite of whatever worries, World War 2 did eventually end. 

The nurses who care for my handicapped friend often just show up coincidentally and often pushing her in a wheelchair whenever I've tried to avoid her. They want me to be her friend and work for her so they can take the credit for my work. Whatever they don't do, whatever she can't do, I have to pick up their slack. 

All things eventually end. Change is the only constant. Things go on a same way for a long time then suddenly there is change. 

She will either eventually fully recover or be moved into assisted living. 

Even before she got crippled I was still doing things for her that she couldn't do for herself. One day I might move back to Vancouver or I might just stop being her friend. She takes advantage of my kindness. She's a taker. 

She is my friend and I love her. 

The landlord is pushing for her to be moved into assisted living. She's on thin ice as it is. The landlord said if he catches her smoking, her tenancy ends. But he's the kind of landlord that will threaten for years before he evicts anyone, if ever. The person who invites people in off the streets and parties loudly in the room doing illicit drugs and turning the stereo on loud. It was years before these people were evicted. The nut who feeds mice and birds in his room, the landlord threatened for years but that nut still lives here and next to my room! Before the bird and mouse nut moved in, I had just about no mice problem. He moves in and there is a bunch of mice in my room chewing things up including some artwork I had on paper. Just chewed it to shreds. I have a mouse guard under the door of my room which mostly works. I have a few glue traps and they haven't work yet but one day will. That's life. Generate one kind of energy and get another and worse kind in return. I don't feed mice and birds so naturally I have to have someone who feeds mice and birds moved in next to me. Meat & Bread. Mice & Birds. 

Are people secretly publishing my blog and making money off of it? If so, damn the pernicious human species. But there are a lot of blogs more professionally written and blogs that are more uplifting than mine. There are so many blogs out there. 

I don't think that I've lived a successful life. My life was a failure. I met too many of the wrong people or they met me. Real disasters of people and probably to themselves too. I also made a lot of wrong choices too and that's on me, not the wrong people I met. 

Only another 20 or so years, if that, and I don't have to worry about any of this anymore. 

I fear more covid restrictions and I fear the pandemic will go on for what seems like forever. After some time, I should be desensitized and acclimatized to the pandemic restrictions. 

Glass half empty or half full. Is the human species evil or good? Most people are flawed, if not all people. The News always talks about the most ducked up of people. I am not sure about the human species. I'm glad I never had any children. I don't really believe in the human species. The human species is a scary species. There are all kinds of delinquent people living around me. I'm not sure what to think anymore. 

I only have to go on living as long as I can. I place my life in God's hands. 

There is good in the human species. 

I need to find the good in the human species and in life. 

The good of the human species can be found in music, architecture, well prepared meals, uplifting YouTube videos, uplifting YouTube comments and in the smiling faces of people. 

I'm still trying to quit smoking. I wind up smoking less than a pack a day. I like morning cigarette headrushes. Is that wrong or perverse? I've said prayers and asked others to say prayers for me to stop. Would that work? 

A good morning is a morning where I forgot the last night's dream. Like this morning. 

I've cured my plantar fasciitis with massage. 

Today, I saw House of Gucci at the movie theatre. It was a very good movie. It wasn't boring at all. Lady Gaga steals the show. Her performance was an 11 out of 10 stars. All other stars were good in that movie too. The movie brought viewers into the world of high fashion. I felt a fashion vibe like when I used to visit the clothing stores of Pacific Centre Mall and Robson Street in Vancouver when I was a teenager and somewhat into fashion. 

I'd recommend seeing House of Gucci and like Dune, I'd get the Blu ray when it's available. The storyline is sordid. Ex wife hires hitman to get husband whacked, Italian style. Love Italian style? Probably not. However the movie is very stylish and glitzy and festive and well acted. All the movie stars in this movie were on the top of their game and firing on all 12 cylinders like a Lamborghini. 

These days my fashion is mostly clothes I find for free on the street or left on the table in the laundry room of my hotel. On two occasions I found bathrobes there, one of them a blue Polo Ralph Lauren bathrobe. Such bathrobes sell for $100 at the Bay although they are probably cheaper in the States. I also found a blue York Hotel bathrobe which reminds me of the title, The Duke of York. 

The Polo bathrobe had a huge hole in the side that you could fit a Canadian looney dollar through so I threw it away. If I didn't have the York Hotel bathrobe, I'd be mulling over whether or not to get a red Polo bathrobe. Hopefully a guy could wear a red Polo bathrobe and not have the bathrobe look girly. Red bathrobe reminds me of an Emperor's robes. A blue bathrobe looks very masculine. A white bathrobe looks somewhat girly and gets dirty too easily. 

I already have a bathrobe. I don't need two. The chances of finding a Polo Ralph Lauren bathrobe again is one in a million. I doubt I'd ever find one ever again. In Vancouver I found a beige canvas Polo jacket and a yellow puffy down filled Polo jacket as well which I left in Dawson Creek. 

One time, I found a beige Tommy Hilfiger polo style shirt in Dawson Creek which I left in Dawson Creek. 

Clothes come and go. In my life, I've gone through and sometimes left behind all kinds of clothes in towns which I have lived in. There's no point lamenting the loss of or missing those clothes. I'm sure I'll find good clothes or even better clothes in the future. I might even find a Gucci item!

Lots of crazy nuts in this town. Today at Dollarama was a young guy wearing a construction worker uniform. Red construction hat, glow in the dark vest. He was muttering to himself. He was standing close to me. He reached behind the Plexiglas and touched the tablet that was mounted there. Then before I take my things off the til counter, he puts his stuff there ready to purchase it. I just couldn't stand that guy. Bad weird nutty vibes. Another adult delinquent. What were the chances of that? 

Was that nutty guy actually a construction worker? I doubt it. 

Often at the morning soup line, there are crazy nuts saying weird things if not yelling. Every week without fail I encounter weird nutty and very vocal people in this town. Every town has its weird nutty vocal people. 

Dawson Creek had its nutty people. And Vancouver sure does. 

That's one problem that will still be here after the pandemic is over.

These people should be committed to a mental institution but somehow they're not. 

I dread the future because the future will be full of nutty people. That will never stop. These people are a problem to other people. Probably a problem to themselves too. Undisciplined adult delinquents. But have you ever heard of a disciplined delinquent? 

Every country in the World has weird nutty and vocal people. I wish there weren't nutty people in the World but without them how can you distinguish between the nutty people and the normal people? 

I don't like nutty people. They make life worse. Each one of those nuttty people will get their own nutty bad karma. 

There were nutty people thousands of years ago and there will still be nutty people thousands of years into the future. 

However I myself have a few issues like being obsessed with things and picking up garbage like covid masks off the street. Maybe I shouldn't do that. That's a good way to get covid. 

I used to be a janitor. Those habits die hard. I pick up garbage and then throw it away to help clean the streets. No good deed goes unpunished hence why I encounter nutty people all the time. I think that everyone encounters nutty people. How can you avoid it? 

Some of the best people were or else currently are nutty people. "Every Saint has a past and every sinner has a future."

These days I am still battling extreme anxiety on some days. Every microdecision brings about a wave of anxiety that I can feel right in the pit of my stomach. Could God help me? I don't know. 

Just a question. 

People have to wear covid masks indoors. People breathe in oxygen and breathe out carbon dioxide. With the masks people are breathing in less oxygen and breathing our more carbon dioxide only to also breathe in more carbon dioxide. Is that really healthy? 

From researching from the internet:

Hypercapnia is breathing in too much CO2. It can regulate blood pH levels. Too much CO2 and the blood is acidic, too little CO2 and the blood is alkaline. People breathe out .04% carbon dioxide. More than 10% causes hypercapnia. Lung transplant patients can wear masks with no problems. If they can, we can. 

pH means potential of Hydrogen. This was devised in 1923 by scientist Soren Peter Lauritz Sorensen. 

Anyone who has ever owned a fish tank knows about pH. Tap water has a pH of 6.5 - 8.5. Fish tanks need a pH of 6.8 - 8.0.

What's the real problem is the morning cigarette headrush. That's the intake of carbon monoxide. CO binds to blood cells 200 times more than oxygen does!