January 2022

January 1, 2022

Another year older. Great. 

Moonfall movie to be released on February 4. I'll see you a global pandemic and raise you a moonfall. If that happens, that would make covid seem like a heaven paradise on Earth not seen since the Elysian fields. It would make World War 2 seeem like Disneyland all over Earth. 

I am not doing any more cartoons for a few reasons

1. Lack of any ideas. 

2. Low view count and even if high view count, no money and even if I got a lot of money, I have no real need for a lot of money. Money for what? Travel? My courage to travel has evaporated. Car? High maintenance, expensive overhead and a hassle. Move to another town? What town? I like this town. Newer and better digs? Where? I am used to this life as poor and humble as it is. Change is too overwhelming. Money would place me in a higher tax bracket. 

The only town I'd move to is Vancouver. I know well and miss the Vancouver vibes which are as sweet as heaven. 

3. Low memory left on my tablet to do any more cartoons. I could either delete the data but I'm too much of a hoarder to do that. Get a new tablet and store the memory on a memory card? I'm also a minimalist and don't want too many tablets. I am simultaneously a hoarder and a Zen minimalist. 

4. No inspiration. I am still suffering from the residual effects of burnout aka complex PTSD and also anxiety depression and fear. Slight and mild burning in stomach sensation. No inspiration is putting it midly. I also have no muse. No girlfriend passionate enough to inspire me and to give me inspiration. That and also my sex drive is a fraction of what it used to be. Anhedonia as a result of burnout. 

"Well I'm half the man I used to be." Stone Temple Pilots

I plan to see Matrix Resurrections using a gift card I got for X-mas. 

I spent New Years Eve completely sober. No beer. No weed. Only my fear and burnout to sustain me as my abstemious New Year's Eve victuals and libations. 

If I had a lot of money, I'd move to Sidney BC for awhile and then move to Vancouver and get a pet cat. I'd want a female orange cat. But before moving to Sidney, I'd want to stay at the James Bay Inn for two months. If I had a lot of money, I'd stay at the James Bay Inn for two months, then stay in Sidney BC for three months and then move to Vancouver for life. In that order. I'd still visit Victoria BC and Sidney BC once in awhile for a few days and nights at a time. I don't think I can go to London England even if rich for my courage to travel is kaputz. 

Thinking about scenes of different towns while listening to music gives me a natural serotonin rush of happiness. 

Unfortunately, I don't think that I will ever get a lot of money. 

I doubt that I have much of a future. The future seems bleak to me. 

Bleak House + Great Expectations = Bleak expectations. 

I  have chronic anxiety disorder. I wonder if it will ever go away. I fear another year of work work work for my disabled girlfriend. I also fear her moving away to an assisted living facility but I fear the work work work even more. I don't think I drink enough water which is a classic cause of anxiety. 

I don't want to live with anxiety but I also don't want to commit suicide. So I'll have to love with this anxiety indefinitely. My greatest wish is that the anxiety goes away. I wish for this more than riches. Money with chronic anxiety means nothing. Anxiety is a mental disability. Anxiety also affects the stomach to some extent. I think I'm physiologically defective. I pray that God can help me with my anxiety. 

January 2, 2022

I saw the Angkor Wat film at the IMAX theater today. It was a good movie and seeing an IMAX movie is a good way to start the year. 

Angkor: The Lost Civilization of Cambodia 

The movie gives a never before revealed answer to why Angkor Wat was suddenly abandoned after 500 years of habitation and co-habitation. Archaeologists used a very large mass spectrometer in Australia to analyze a stalactite sample from a temple in the South of Cambodia. It revealed that in the late 13th century, there was a massive 20 year drought which decimated food production. This was followed with a massive monsoon that caused flooding which swept away infrastructure. This was followed with another massive drought. After that, they threw up their hands. During that time and after that, everyone evacuated Angkor city and moved to other places less prone to droughts and monsoons. Could you blame them? 

Also there was a battle between the Khmers and the Thais a few hundred years ago. The Thais captured a lot of Khmer artisans and tradespeople from the city of Angkor and moved them to Ayutthaya, Thailand. The IMAX film went into all of that. 

When the buildings on top of London Bridge were torn down in the late 1700s, people had been living on those buildings on top of London Bridge for 500 years kind of like Angkor Wat which got abandoned after 500 years of good living. 

I was never able to visit Angkor Wat because I was a very squeamish traveler when I did travel. Now all my courage to travel has evaporated. I suffer from daily bouts of anxiety and fear. 

"Do you get the shakes? Me too." Rick Deckard, Blade Runner

Travelling to Thailand is Travel 201. Travelling to Cambodia is Travel 301. Cambodia is a lot more intense. Thailand is civilized. I heard some real awful travel stories about Cambodia. Cambodia is steeped in poverty. There are a lot of really aggressive touts there. Also stories of muggings. So I was too afraid to ever travel to Angkor Wat although I really wouldn't mind seeing it one day. At my current state of travel courage evaporated, it would be impossible for me to visit Angkor Wat even if I had a million dollars. A million dollars won't all of a sudden buy you courage to travel if you don't have it. 

Travel 101: Travel to Canada, England or the United States. English speaking countries. Civilized and safe. 

Travel 201: Travel to Thailand. Non English speaking country plus they use a non English alphabet. Affluent, civilized. Peaceful for the most part. 

Travel 301: Travel to Cambodia. Non English speaking and non English alphabet. Saturated in poverty. Violent stories common. 

Travel 401: War torn countries. Countries that only UN peacekeepers, NGOs and embedded CNN reporters travel to. 

With my daily anxiety, fear, panic and depression, my courage to travel is gone, and I don't have the courage to even travel to London England. How the heck could I ever be able to travel to Angkor Wat? I am amazed that the film makers of the IMAX movie about Angkor Wat had the courage to travel there. 

The ideal is that I'm like a Jedi Knight who has lots of courage to travel. The reality is that I'm like C3P0 who has absolutely no courage to travel. 

C3P0 quotes:

"I've forgotten how much I hate space travel." 

"We're doomed. We'll be sent to the spice mines of Kessel and smashed into who knows what!" 

Ongoing anxiety. What else is new? Anxiety waxes and wanes. It comes and goes. Over time anxiety goes away. People have been known to have a major issue with anxiety and panic attacks at around my age which is 51. Older people are happier. As one grows into old age, parts of the body start the long process of wearing down and shutting down. One is happier and gets less anxiety when they're older because the amygdala and adrenaline glands etc is included in that erosion and shut down process. The amygdala isn't as active and strong at 70 or 80 as it is at 50 when it is still going strong. 

I have anxiety due to living in a rooming house for 10 years, a rooming house that is full of nuts. Usually lower class rooming houses especially in large cities are full of nuts, drunks, substance abusers. 

I've been living in rooming houses in different towns and cities all my adult life. All of them had their nuts and problem neighbours. 

I don't think it's different in middle class neighbourhoods. Nuts, child abusers, dysfunctional families all of them, dogs in yards barking at all hours, lawn mowers going at 7 in the morning, substance abusers and tattoos all over their arms, tattoos all over their bodies because they can afford them. 

Upper class too, all of them nuts. Dysfunctional families, drunks, substance abusers, tattoos. No wonder there's so much anxiety and depression. That's a coefficient of the human species. I'm glad I didn't do my part to add to it. I'm glad I didn't have any children. 

Moving from lower class to middle class even to upper class at first seems like the ideal escape, but there's no escaping the nuts. 

My future will probably be all anxiety ridden without suicide as an escape because that would simply not be an option. One just has to live through life come what may because that is the good and proper thing to do. 

Will anxiety ever end? I don't know. I've been told that anxiety would end. Anxiety never ends. It just becomes something you can accept and something you can work with. 

The secret to smoking pot is to feel that the fear that comes with it is something you like. In some instances people pay money to get scared like watching a horror movie or riding a roller coaster. 

Particleformen is supposed to remove bags under the eyes. But at about $90 a bottle, it's pricey. And it isn't sold in stores. It can only be ordered online. Snake oil or legitimate? How does it work? 

Monday, January 3, 2022

I have a couple of stories that I have to clear from my conscience. These stories may bring to the Police to my apartment to ask questions. I am fine with that. 

1. On Tuesday December 28, I got a box of lavender bath salts from the soup line. The soup line gives away clothing and toiletries. I was wondering if the bath salts were the kind that John McAfee used. Bath salts are mephedrine or else MVDP or else a derivative of khat which is a schedule 1 illegal drug. I went and asked the security guard plus a couple of workers at the soup line. I asked if the lavender bath salts were illegal drugs. They said, No they weren't. 

2. More disturbingly, truth is stranger than fiction. 

Pincess Anne wouldn't spend the whole day cooped up at home. She would go on a walk. 

I went on a walk today and during the walk, I walked through St Anne's Academy because I had a dream of Princess Anne this morning. On the academy grounds I saw a large plastic baggie. I have an OCD about picking up litter. When I looked at the large plastic baggie, the bottom was lined with a fine white powder. I wondered if it was icing sugar. I dipped my finger ND tasted a bit on my tongue. It had a fishy taste! Cocaine often has a fishy taste! But it didn't make my tongue go numb at all. Good cocaine usually makes the tongue go numb instantly. I threw the bag away at the garbage can in fear and disgust. For awhile I wondered if what I found was coke. I walked to the Church at the top of the hill after that. At the Church, I felt my heart race. Maybe it was cocaine. Or walking quickly up a hill to a high elevation and then stopping can make the heart race. I felt fear. But I've been feeling chronic fear almost daily for the past six months. 

I couldn't say yeah, this is 100% sure this is a cocaine high. There as a lot of Grey area and margin for doubt. 

I left the baggie at a garbage can at the academy grounds because I simply have no use for cocaine although I tried  cocaine quite a few times during my youth. Quite a few. There was what I guessed to be ten grams of fine white powder that had the look and consistency of icing sugar. At $100 a gram, that's $1,000 worth of cocaine or else a five year mandatory prison sentence. I simply have no use for that much cocaine. I don't want to develop a cocaine addiction. Besides, two grams of cocaine is the lethal limit. If anyone takes more than two grams of cocaine in one sitting, they're dead. And that baggie had ten grams of white powder. As Robin Williams once said, that's enough cocaine to kill a small horse. 

Momentarily, in a deluded state of mind, I thought that a secret service agent left that on the trail of the St Anne's Academy knowing I would walk there as a reward for me having had a dream of Princess Anne. Agents I believe can leave behind rewards on a trail that one is walking on as a reward or they can have thugs waiting on a trail one is waking on to punish those who committed a crime or did something heinous. 

Then I concluded that it was probably talcum powder. That academy park is where mothers often bring their babies and mothers use talcum powder for babies. 

What drug dealer or user would be so clumsy to leave such a large amount of drugs on the ground at a park next to an academy? If it was a drug dealer, usually the drugs would be wrapped in paper in one gram units. I saw none of that.  Cocaine is sometimes cut with talcum powder and God knows what else. 

At this time, either another person may have gotten and walked away with that baggie thinking it is cocaine or else the garbage man may have gotten it. I sure didn't want to walk with it and carry it with me because if it was cocaine, that is a felonious amount to carry and if caught would result in a massive prison sentence. I sure don't want that! 

I went back to my apartment and watched YouTube videos and each video gave me a hideous stab of fear. Maybe it's my overworked imagination and my fearful state in general. 

As for my racing heart and fear, that is a placebo effect. And also I have been living in chronic hard core anxiety based fear daily for the last six or seven months. 

If the Police decide to ask me about it, I would tell them what I wrote here. That the baggie is at the garbage can at St Anne's Academy. 

On the way back, I saw some graffiti which read, 'YEAH DUDE GET IT!' For a second I thought it was saying to me to walk back to the garbage can and pick up that baggie and take it with me. Fuck that! I got no use for so much white powder. I don't want to use it or get addicted to it and I certainly don't want a prison sentence! 

In future, if you find what seems to be cocaine either in a one gram paper wrapper or a large baggie, you can either turn it in to the Police or else throw it in the garbage if you don't already use cocaine. Cocaine is garbage. It gets the heart racing and brings a false confidence for 10 minutes then it's about 3 hours of the most edgy and horrifying paranoia. If you bring it in to the Police station to turn it in, they might arrest you for drug possession. They'd ask you why you have those drugs in the first place. Why didn't you throw it in the garbage. Why are you wasting their time? 

I can't get this story off my mind and I want to clear my conscience. 

Life is too overwhelming and scary and I wonder what the hell I'm doing even being alive. I often wish that my parents never gave me birth. 

I wonder how long it would take the Police to get a wind of this story. 

I saw a thumbnail of a video on my YouTube recommendations this afternoon. It was from Dare entitled It's Not What You Think. Which I took to mean that the white powder in the large baggie was not cocaine. 

It was probably rock salt. It has been snowing and that was powdery residue of the last of the rock salt that was sprinkled on the grounds. 

The hard snot in my nose at the outer edge of my left nostril never seems to go away. I pick at it to remove it and then it comes back. Now it's a pronounced lump. I went to the doctor to have it looked at. Two doctors. They said it's fine. They see it all the time. Maybe they missed something which is the classic sentiment of health anxiety and hypochondria. 

I think it's probably nose cancer. If it is, I only have a few months to live. I pick it and there's some blood. I scratched my nose once years ago and a scab mixed with snot forms. This forms a bump of hard snot. I pick it away and a new scab forms and thus more hard snot bumps at the location. 

The doctor said to leave it alone and put Vaseline on it. I think I might be dying. I first write and reported about this earlier this year in June. It has neither gotten worse nor better since then. I first noticed this problem 12 years ago in Dawson Creek. Sometimes benign tumors turn malignant. In that case, I'm dead for sure. If it is nose cancer, maybe the doctors can euthanize me. 

I blew my nose this morning and there was bits of blood. Not a lot. The doctor asked if I was bleeding because bleeding is a sign of cancer. 

If I do get euthanized, I had no future other than poverty, rooming houses and loneliness anyways. What future would I otherwise have? 

I doubt I'll make it to the end of this year. I doubt even more that I'll make it to 60. My future is tawdry and boring. I often wake up thinking of giving up on life. Then I remember to thank God for the gift of life. 

It's really difficult to see a doctor in this town especially during the pandemic. I think I'm probably doomed. Mucormycosis? 

Hopefully one day I'll get to the bottom of this. One day, this will be cured. 

"Everything seems impossible until it is done." Nelson Mandela

"That was easy." the EASY button. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2022

I saw The Matrix Resurrections. It was a good movie. It was the second best Matrix movie for me. There was a lot more colour and the story had more layers. The CGI visual effects was next level out of this world. There was an old man with a beard in the movie who looked a lot like Dennis Hopper. The story is about rescuing Trinity. I had a good time at the movie. Lots of good action sequences. Recommended. Hugo Weaving didn't return as Agent Smith as he is working on other projects. 

"You have your grandfather's bearing." Lord Elrond, The Hobbit

This afternoon, I have an appointment with a walk in clinic to see about the hard snot bump on my nose. I hope it's not too serious. It had been there since June. I did see a doctor twice about it so far and they said it wasn't anything to worry about. I want to see a doctor about it again. I hope it's not serious but none of my friends I asked about it thought it was serious. I hope that I won't wind up dying from this. If I do, I have a good conscience, and I don't see that I have much of a future anyways besides more welfare, more loneliness, more courage to travel having been evaporated, more loss of sex drive. That is why I'm not afraid to die. If it is serious, I would choose to eventually be euthanized if it gets too bad. I am a hypochondriac health anxiety sufferer. 

I wonder if my sex drive will ever return. Sex drive is a kind of form follows function. Sex drive is related to reproduction. At my age I feel that I neither want to nor need to reproduce. That ship has sailed. 

That's a fautly argument. A man can sire children into his 70s. And there are women past menopause who still have a fully operational sex drive. There's no reason my sex drive should be gone except in my imagination. 

Seeing the way that the World is going, I certainly don't want to have any children. The World is getting steadily worse, not better until I see otherwise. 

Update: The doctor at the walk in clinic said it was just yellow scabbing. Nothing to worry about. He's seen it before. It's not cancer and I'm not going to die. He said not to pick it and use Polysporin. 

I have health anxiety. Two other doctors said the same thing months ago. 

"Doctor says you're cured. But you still feel the pain." Howard Jones, No One Ever Is To Blame

I wonder if the doctor would tell me if my nose problem is serious. That the doctor would think that to actually cure me would be too expensive and that since I'm poor it wouldn't matter if I died or not. I saw three doctors about this. They all said that it is nothing serious. I have to trust them. Otherwise I will have a serious case of hypochondria or else health anxiety. 

My saintly friend told me that she would not think less of me if I smoke pot. She said that it relaxes people. I think that it brings a layer of paranoia. Endocannabinoid receptors attach to the amygdala and also I feel the fear go right to the stomach. I didn't used to. It's generally known that fear and anxiety are very similar to excitement and exhilaration. They operate from the same centers of the body. Maybe my anxiety is really exhilaration in disguise. I get daily anxiety but it usually doesn't go beyond a certain maximum point. Also a lot of it is in my head; psychodrama. Shakespeare said all the world's a stage and all the people are merely players. Instead of pretending to be an anxiety fear and despair normal guy, I should pretend to be an action hero. Anxiety is a normal part of the action hero life. 

The next movie I want to see for sure is The Batman starring Robert Pattison. It looks way awesome. That movie is an action hero inspiring movie for sure. 

I'd want to watch the Harry Potter Return to Hogwarts movie. Would Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson and Rupert Grint be in the movie? 

The Book of Boba Fett is just beginning to build up. It is a great and excellent television series and I only saw the first episode. Boba Fett is now the underworld King of Tatooine. Ming Na Wen is his consort if not Queen of Tatooine. They have to maintain their kingly fiefdom with cunning and violence. He fights better after having escaped a Sarlaac pit than people who have never been in a Sarlaac pit. The real life actor Temuera Morrison is 61 years old and he is an inspiration to older people who wonder if their action hero days are all washed up and over. Of course there are stories of people even in their 80s who go skydiving and go on vacations all over the planet. During Covid there are not as many people going on all over the world vacations but when Covid is over, people will start up again with a vengeance. Questions. When will Jedi knights with lightsabers appear? Will Boba Fett and the Mandalorian and Baby Grogu cross paths in this television series? 

Wednesday, January 5, 2022

Thank God for the gift of life. 

May God help me to be a better person. Perfection is impossible. I just want to be the best person I can be. I'd like to quit smoking tobacco. I've thought of smoking pot again but I don't want have another addiction. I have one can of beer in the fridge which I bought yesterday to celebrate the clean bill of health from the doctor. I probably won't drink it until days later. To drink too much beer is to have yet another addiction. 

For me to be the best person I can be is to have no addictions. 

I have wanted to see proof that God exists. The proof is right in front of my eyes. There is the sun and the stars, there is life within me and all around me. That is proof. At times I thought that it is all the product of random forces. Yet that there is intelligence in me and in all the people of this World and that there is order in the Universe is proof of God's existence. 

I wonder if the Chicxulub asteroid that hit the Earth that killed all the dinosaurs was part of God's order or if it was just random forces. I will ask a religious person about that one day. Please pray for me to become the best person that I can be. Not perfection but just the best that I can be. Pastor Joel is very inspirational. Me discovering his sermons on YouTube is God helping me. I have been saying thank God for the gift of life several times a day for a lot of days. Thus seeing his video that first time as a YouTube recommendation resonated with me in a way that wouldn't have happened if I hadn't been thanking God. I don't know the future. Anything can happen. 

Scientists said that in a couple of million years the anthropocene era or the  human era will end. What will happen to the belief of God and religion then? Personally, I think the human era will end in less than two hundred years or even one hundred years at the rate things are going which is why I'm glad I never helped bring any children into this World. 

Every day is about two minutes longer or shorter than the last day depending on the part of the year. One minute in the morning and one minute at night. In half a year times two that's 365 minutes or approximately 6 hours longer or shorter from one solstice to the next solstice. That sounds about right. 

This is only in the latitudinal part of the World that I live in. It would be different in other latitudinal parts of the World. 

The Spanish flu pandemic ended after about 3 years and that was without vaccines. Then it was the roaring 20s followed with the great depression of the 1930s. What caused the great depression wasn't the roaring 20s. It was stock market scams, margin calls. What about these times? Could there be a stock market scam? Crypto currency crash? Real estate speculation bubble burst? Houses praised at 2 million all of a sudden plummet down to $250,000 in worth. On the plus side monthly rent for a rooming house plummets down a few hundred dollars a month. 

A recession is defined as negative economic growth for a minimum of two yearly quarters in a row. Q1 and Q2. 

YouTube comment from Dr John Campbell video, Omicron as expected:

Omicron is an anagram of moronic and no micron.

Omicron Delta is an anagram of media control. 

Someone in YouTube comments said the pandemic will never be over. The media won't let it end. Pharmaceutical companies making too much $$$$ off of the vaccines. MSM mainstream media is garbage. I don't watch the News anymore. Watch a horror movie, it's less disturbing. 

I won't get the third booster. How many boosters? An infinite amount? Fuck that. Sounds too sketchy and dodgy. In any given country there are millions who are unvaccinated and fine. A YouTube comment said, Hospitals empty in my city which has a high unvaxed rate. If I die from covid, I never had a future either and I don't know which is more scary. What would I have to live for? Climate change, high unattainable real estate prices, poverty and loneliness. Clearly I have nothing really good to live for. I'm baffled that I'm still alive. I'm just glad I never had any children to worry about and then to have to raise them in such a messed up world. Children = hostages to fortune. 

"Hospitals quite empty in my city. We have a high unvax rate."

Thursday, January 6

Thank God for the gift of life. 

In the last month, I had two replies to a comment I made on YouTube. Strange that each of the replies included the word ignorant. They couldn't be from the same person. Each time the person replied to a few others in the same comment stream. I checked and each of them had no videos made. I tried to report the comments. That does nothing. All that does is momentarily erase the comment but when you refresh the page and check again the comment is still there. 

Why does YouTube even present that as a viable option? It doesn't work. 

I am sure that at any given secomd, thousands of comments are reported. YouTube can't follow up on that kind of volume. 

I deleted my original comment. That also erases any replies. My logic is before I wrote the comment, I struggled with whether I should even write it in the first place. One comment more, one comment less, who cares? 

I probably won't write any more comments on YouTube. There is not a person alive who uses social media that hasn't gotten at least a few negative snarky comments. It's easy for someone with nothing better to do than to sit behind a computer to write whatever. I got off lightly. Some people have even had entire negative videos made about them. 

Don't write comments on YouTube. Don't seek the approval or attention of strangers who live in other towns or other countries. 

Reporting comments does absolutely nothing. YouTube is a broken ineffective platform when it comes to this. 

It's necessary to have a thick skin to be a politician. People write all kinds of negative snarky comments about politicians. Not only that. They make entire negative snarky videos about politicians. If you can't handle that, don't go into politics. 

Even though I thank God for the gift of life, I sometimes resent my parents for having given me life. A life of uncertainty, fear, boredom, depression, and anxiety. My life is like a hamster wheel. The same thing over and over again week after week. One day, my life will change. I will trade one hamster wheel fishbowl existence for another. Life is such a difficult struggle. Why did my parents ever give me life? It's because their ego told them that they ought to be parents. Pernicious egos. 

"The days can go on with regularity over and over, one day indistinguishable from the next. A long continuous chain. Then suddenly, there is a change."

Taxi Driver

Today's prayer:

God, please show me a sign that I will have a good future. If not a good future, I'd settle for an acceptable future. I do hope for a good future. God, please heal my friend who is disabled. Or help her move to a better place which is a condo style social housing assisted living facility where she will get three cooked meals a day and 24 hour a day nurse's on staff to help her with her needs. I hope she is able to move out of this dive of a rooming house. I am helping her 7 days a week in one form or another. I'm a slave. This often gives me burnout and brings me anxiety. It seems that one month after another work work work is required. My future is slowly being destroyed one month at a time. Working for her destroys my months in advance. If I stop helping her I'd feel guilty and have to watch her be worse off. I feel trapped which is classic for caregiver burnout. I hope that the work comes to an end one day. Amen. 

Friday, January 7, 2022

Besides Concetta Bertoldi, Tony Stockwell is a good psychic medium. His books are available on Google play books. Interesting reading. 

Don't obsess about little things. I bought a softcover book but at the time I didn't look to see what the hardcover version of the same book cost. I was thinking of going back to see what it costs. Who cares? This amount, that amount, it's irrelevant. I'm not getting the book. In three months chances are I'd forget anyways. Practice makes perfect so be careful what you practice. No wonder I have problems with anxiety. Following up on thoughts about obsessing about trivial things can bring about anxiety. I wrote about this in case anyone else has problems about obsessing about trivial things. Just let it go. May God help me with bringing sense to my mind. May I have a mind of clarity. 

Any time you think about following up on some ridiculous trivial thought like I bought a softcover book, how much is the hardcover, or I bought a hardcover book, how much is the softcover, I bought another softcover book in the same store, how much is the hardcover, I took a few pictures of something and I want to go back and take a few pictures from another angle I hadn't previously covered. Forget all that! Just do something else and over time, you will forget about it. 

Douglas Bloch said that if a thought feels blocked, it's not from your higher self. If a thought feels smooth then it is from your higher self. 

If you watch the News about the pandemic everyday it seems that the pandemic will never end. Don't watch the News and it will end sooner than you think. A watched pot never boils. 

It's that much less of a pandemic if I don't watch the News. There's the pandemic and there's pandemic culture. Watching the News accelerates and exacerbates pandemic culture and I don't need that as its bad for mental health and anxiety disorders. Pandemic culture is an extraneous corollary to a pandemic. 

I secretly donated $5 to the Catholic Church yesterday. I dropped it in the donation box. The Church was open but hardly anyone was there. The only person who was there was an old lady. She was checking the pews. She wasn't looking at me and maybe didn't see me. 

I donate $5 to the Catholic Church once a month. I need all the blessings I can get. I believe the Catholic Church is powerful in giving blessings. I believe in the might of the Catholic Church. 

Religions have their secrets. One of them is when you donate to the Church, they say a secret prayer that whoever donates to them will have some help with their life's problems. Some Churches do it openly. It's called Presiding over the gifts. 

After donating to the Catholic Church, that afternoon, I had a nap and had a  dream about visiting the St Vincent De Paul food line. 

I don't think I could be a Catholic. Protestantism is the minimalist version of Catholicism. Catholicism has confession, so many prayers to remember. However I do respect them immensely. 

I've given up hope that I will ever have a BMW. I really don't think that will ever happen. I am a fool for having such an impossible dream. It's better to have no dreams, no expectations. That way I won't be disappointed. Why would I dream of something so impossible? Such an odd dream. Maybe I'm too old to have a BMW. The time to get that is when one is younger. My brain is crazy for having such a dream. A dreamer wishing for a Beemer. What a life. 

My BMW would need to be 4 doors and have a standard transmission. Otherwise it's not quite the same. BMW's are expensive when it comes to repairs and maintenance. Why have such a dream? 

Pastor Joel Osteen is very rich. He lives in a $10 million dollar mansion. He works for his money. He preaches every week in front of a very large crowd. Not only a sports stadium but a sports stadium with a couple of floors added. That takes some doing. A lot of people who love in $10 million dollar mansions don't also have to speak on front of a large crowd every week. 

Interesting name, Dr Fauxi, Dr Fausti, Dr Fraudci, Dr Falsey I mean Dr Fauci

NEWS: Never Ending Weird Shit

I watched a few Jimmy Dore videos. His videos are very interesting and he has a lot of interesting things to say about different topics. His video about Bill Gates is very scary. He says that in India, people will be forced to have digital ID or their monthly rice rations will be withheld from them. Millions will die. He said this system will eventually make its way to the West. 

India is a very old, very wise and very spiritual country. Old enough that they have found their way out of many jams. 

Usually these kinds of conspiracy theory videos are long on problems and short on solutions. They only offer up problems and no solutions. A lot like drunks who sit a round and criticize each other and only bring up problems but never any solutions. 

To get a more balanced view, I read of some critics of Jimmy Dore. The critical faculty. Quora contributors have said he is an ex comedian who uses a lot of misinformed conspiracy theories to drum up an audience and to make money. He is a pro MAGA right wing conspiracy theorist who bashes Liberals. He is an anti vaxxer. 

Whether one reads pro vaxxer or anti vaxxer views, that is tuning in to more pandemic culture. I would rather experience the pandemic without the pandemic culture that comes with it. Jimmy Dore commenters talk about how powerful and evil Bill Gates supposedly is. Would evil be something Bill Gates says about himself? Bill Gates is powerful but not so powerful that he won't die in a few years just as we all will one day. Bill Gates is 66 years old. 

No one person has all the information in the World. For everything that Jimmy Dore talks about, there's a thousand connected things he isn't talking about, things that are bad as well as good. Things that are scary as well as not scary. 

The dark will never extinguish the light. Good is always more powerful than evil. All religions have taught this since the dawn of time. 

No person knows the future. The future is always full of surprises. Things will not be all good in the future but it will not be all bad too. The future always winds up being somewhere in the middle. The pandemic indeed all of human history is an ongoing work in progress. Everything is temporary including a pandemic. Change is the only constant. Hang in there. Stay strong. And together we will see what the unknowable future will bring for bad as well as for good. 

Jimmy Dore and Alex Jones are conspiracy theorists. Their work is to bring the most outrageous most sensationalist conspiracy theories they can think of. There is a grain of truth in what they disclose but also a grain of bullshit too same as with all conspiracy theorists. Or else like with everyone, there is a grain of accuracy and a grain of inaccuracy in the things that we all say. No one person has all the answers. A lot of people with insights about politicians have never actually been politicians themselves. A lot of people with insights about supposedly evil billionaires have never been a billionaire themself. 

Whether it's mainstream News on one end of the spectrum or anti vaxxer conspiracy theorists on the other end of the spectrum, it's all fear mongering. Sometimes fear sells. Just enjoy the ride while you can. One day this pandemic will be just another footnote in history. 

If this was World War 2, there were conspiracy theorists George Orwell included saying equally scary and sensationalist things and guess what? World War 2 ended and a lot of their conspiracies about the future never came to pass. 

aei.org article: 50 years of failed doomsday eco-apocalptic predictions; the so-called experts are 0 -  50

cei.org blog: Wrong again: 50 Years of failed eco-apocalyptic predictions

The most famous predictions gone wrong were Y2K would cause a computer crash and worldwide disaster resulting and 2012 Mayan calendar change leading to the end of the World. 

People who are medically retarded or blind people go through life with a bliss of innocence never experiencing certain aspects of history and culture that the rest of us are subjected to. 

God bless and have a nice day. Thank God for the gift of life. 

Jimmy Dore is very entertaining and if that is your kind of entertainment, his videos are available on YouTube are there for all to see. If he was that much of a threat to the government, they would have either arrested him or shut down his channel. Of course there are possibly thousands of less famous conspiracy theorists on YouTube. 

I'll get a third or even fourth booster or even a once a year booster shot if it's easy enough to get. If not forget it. It might slip my mind, me and millions of others. If I die from the booster or from covid, I am poor with no family and no real future that I can see. I have less to lose. It's only those who are rich and have families and have bright futures who have something to lose if they die from either covid or the booster. Strangely a lot of people refusing the vaccine on the grounds that it could kill them couldn't care less that they also smoke tobacco all the time and drink lots of alcohol and in some cases do God knows what kind of illegal drugs. Like that couldn't also kill them. 

Some organizations are that powerful that they don't get swayed when there is a pandemic and in the face of conspiracy theorists for eg example the Vatican which has been around for hundreds of years. Its not perfect but no Earthly organization is. However the Vatican also teaches that whatever happens, God is always with you and God loves you very much. 

Saturday, January 8, 2022

There is a store in Sidney BC, Connections thrift shop. The building to me is very beautiful. It is a glimpse of heaven. When I look at the windows on the upper floor, I get a psychometry or a vibe that always makes me feel good. I get a cozy small town Sunday afternoon vibe. I imagine what it would be like to live there. It would be bliss. 

I have included a picture of it above. 

Reviews of the store are mixed and a lot of people say that they are overpriced. A lot of thrift stores are overpriced. $30 for a used sweatshirt is a lot. That building is still a heavenly looking building. 

I walked past that building when I was in Sidney. I took a look at it but I didn't want to stare. Staring at anything feels uncomfortable to me. Only staring at some things isn't bad like if I see a famous person that I will only see once in my life or if I see a beautiful natural scene that I traveled a long way to see, I will look a little bit longer. 

Yesterday, the pre Spring sunlight was hitting just right. I was listening to The Lost Gaucho from Steely Dan on YouTube; uploader: Ed Von Ems, while looking at the above pictures on Google Street view. I felt very blissful and happy for hours. Usually I feel either depressed, anxious or fearful. But not yesterday. The Steely Dan songs that made me most happy and blissful while looking at the above pictures were Talking Bout My Home, Kind Spirit, The Bear and The Second Arrangement. 

Every town has a place that makes people feel blissful. 

The Bear is a Steely Dan song about someone who is running a large amount of cocaine across great distances. His mission is to evade the Police or the bear as in CB radio talk the bear is Smokey the Bear or the Police. And his mission is also not to sample too much of the product he is delivering and get addicted. "... Fifteen thousand miles and I'm feeling great... There's a bear that walks like a man, better shake him fast, Gotta hide yourself when you can cause he wants your ass. I believe that you'll do well but only time will tell. If you got the bear or the bear got you." 

I learned diaphragm breathing. Put one hand on the chest and one hand on the stomach. When inhaling, the stomach should move but the chest should not. That's how a sleeping baby sleeps. This kind of breathing stimulates the vagus nerve and activates the parasympathetic nervous response or else a relief response. Arsalan Monawar said that a lot of anxiety stems from shallow breathing. Breathe deep. 

Breathe in for 5 seconds, hold for 5 seconds and then breathe out for 6 seconds. Brethaing out for 6 seconds puts the pressure that stimulates the vagus nerve. 

I am still smoking tobacco. I'd like to quit one day. 

"I don't think of it as an addiction. I think of it as a guilty pleasure." Matrix Ressurections

I hope that I can find the strength, the insight and inspiration to quit smoking. Hopefully some of you can send me good wishes to quit smoking.

Except that just about no one reads my blog. Why would they? There are so many other blogs to read. Perhaps more people read my blog than I think. 

Maybe my old enemies read my blog. We all have old enemies. In a lot of cases old enemies can read your blog or watch your YouTube video and grow to respect you for being a good person. They could see a good side of you they never seen before. Time moves on and people change. Enemies often don't stay enemies. They could become a friend and recommend you to their other friends. I wouldn't worry about that. 

I do things and help my handicapped girlfriend. It is a lot of work. I don't do it for any reward in this life or in the afterlife. I do it only because it seems to be the good and decent thing to do. It is good energy. 

I am not sure that there is a reward. I am not sure that people who do good things have good things happen to them. Just as I am not sure that people who do bad things have bad things happen to them but I am not going to make this experiment. 

Rich parents who profoundly abuse their children. Years later they are still rich. Poor people who do good things. Years later they are still poor. Often nothing happens to people who do good or bad, it seems. However there is a larger story full of little details and no one knows all the details. 

I would do good things not knowing or even caring if good things come to me as a result of it. But karma, cause and effect, you will reap what you sow is very powerful. One day, mysteriously, something good will happen to those who do good and something bad will happen to those who do bad. 

I couldn't stand to see my girlfriend Heather cooped up in her apartment room all day. 

Today, I took my handicapped girlfriend Heather to the Churchyard. Usually, there is no one there. Today there was a loud drunk or drugged out tall man with a beard. He was quite loud. He was yelling, "Why do I keep doing the same fucking thing over and over again?! Tell me that!!" He said it a few times even in the middle of my prayers as me and her prayed together. 

It was tempting to think, "Why do the forces of life do that to me? Deliver a crazy man just at the time I am at the Churchyard with my friend." Sometimes life isn't as it seems. What he said was valid. Einstein said, Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, or words to that effect. That is also a recipe for an anxiety disorder, or a recipe for being addicted to tobacco. Doing the same thing over and over again. Perhaps I should do something different. 

Sometimes these crazy people are some kind of omen. Maybe that's the last time I will ever bring her there. She could be moved into an assisted living facility sooner than I think and I'll never bring her there again. Things that that often happen. 

It was an interesting day. 

For 4 months last year from July to October, I was afraid of my dreams. They were long and vivid. I went to sleep afraid and woke up afraid. Now all that seems to have ended. I no longer go to sleep afraid nor wake up afraid from my dreams. I thought it would last forever. Thank God it finally ended. I haven't been afraid for months. Now I wake up forgetting most of my dreams. I read a few books on the topic and talked to a few people about it. This helped. I thank God and whoever prayed for me or wished me well and whatever forces helped me. Thank you very much. 

I think that my fear of dreams was a result of burnout and PTSD. 

During my burnout times, I thought I'd never feel good vibes or bliss ever again. During that time, on a walk, I did see a young Asian lady wear a t-shirt that read 'Good Vibes or Good-bye'. That was an omen that I would feel good vibes again! And I have. A few times. Most days are typically boring, depressing, and often with fear and anxiety. But some days I felt a bliss that I can't describe lasting for hours. Usually when listening to good music. And often while thinking of a visual mantra of a place somewhere. Often the bliss was the bliss of Sunday vibes. 

"The mind is its own place and in itself

Can make a Heav'n of hell, a Hell of Heav'n" 

John Milton, Paradise Lost 

The pandemic is bad, no doubt about it. It's stressful and its a buzzkill. However I have had standalone days before the pandemic that were more stressful than any given day of the pandemic and I got through it. 

I don't have to remember how I made it through. I just have to remember that I made it through. 

Notable days include the times when I was young and foolish and experimented with different illegal drugs. I was on Lsd a few times. Any of those days were more intense than any day during the pandemic. The last time I dropped acid was in 1994. Or was it 1993? The day I was on ecstacy in 2008 was very intense. I actually thought I was going to die that day, that I initiated a chain of events that would lead to my death that day. I found an interesting green tablet on the floor. It had a design of kappa twins carved into it. It looked like an ecstacy tablet as I have seen pictures of it. It was. Ecstacy is awful and I highly do not recommended anyone doing it. 

I did other awful drugs too but I don't want to mention it. I don't want to set a bad example. Oh what the fuck. In the past I've injected cocaine and heroin intravenously as an experiment. That was years ago and foolish. Needless to say, any of those days were more intense than any day of the pandemic. I didn't and don't want to shoot up on any day during the pandemic. 

Cocaine and heroin are old school. Injecting meth and fentanyl and K-holing is more of today's speed for the modern intravenous drug user. I wouldn't recommend injecting any illegal drug at all. Just don't do it. 

Other times more intense than the pandemic were times when I was on an airplane and travelled overseas. That's more intense than any day of the pandemic. I didn't go on any airplane nor travel overseas during the pandemic. It remains to be seen after the pandemic if I ever travel to England to see Buckingham Palace. Those times in the future would be more intense than any day of the pandemic. 

My courage to travel has evaporated, along with my sex drive. 

I did travel to another town, to the town of Sidney BC a few times during the pandemic. Sidney BC is a one hour bus ride away. I think if one travelled to Sidney BC in a car, it would probably take less than an hour. The bus takes a roundabout route and stops at every bus stop. I looked online. It takes 25 minutes to travel direct to Sidney BC in a car, a trip that takes one hour on the bus. 

Sidney BC is a very beautiful town. Good vibes. I would like to move there one day. Who knows what can happen in the future. 

I remind myself, if I could survive those days then I should be able to physically and psychologically withstand the pandemic as long as I take proper precautions and to follow health measures etc. 

I've smoked pot a few times during the pandemic and thinking of the pandemic made me even more paranoid during the pot high. That's why I stopped it. I already have enough addictions with tobacco and coffee. I don't want any more. I smoke tobacco and drink coffee every day. I have one can of Stella Artois beer in the fridge and it's been there for days. I couldn't bring myself to drink it because I don't want to be dissolute, nor addicted nor an alcoholic. The best way to live is clean and sober. 

I got a can of escargots for $2 at Dollarama. The way I'm going to prepare them is to fry some garlic in a little bit of oil. Then melt butter on top of the oil. That way the garlic wouldn't be fried in burned and darkened butter. Then I pour that on top of the canned escargots opened and put into a bowl. Then add a few drops of black truffle oil which I have. I also have white truffle oil. Black truffle oil is served with with dark meat and white truffle oil is served with white meat. Just like with wines. Escargots taste like you'd expect them to taste, very earthy like dirt and with the slimy mucous texture of garden slugs. The French do like them. 

Should I eat the escargots tonight? This is giving me some anxiety. I would prefer to eat them in the afternoon. That solves it. I'll eat them some afternoon. Try not to get anxiety about trivial things like food decisions. 

Sunday, January 9, 2022

To be honest, I feel more loved at the Presbyterian Church than I do at the Anglican Church on top of the hill where I feel merely tolerated. I think that I would feel even more loved at the Catholic Church. A lot of if not most of the girlfriends I have ever had were Catholic. 

The Churches in this town are stuffy. I am of the welfare class and most people at Church are middle class. I should go to a Church in the downtown Eastside in Vancouver. Most of the people there would also be welfare class and I would feel more loved and have a greater chance of finding close friends even a few girlfriends I can go on dates with. However, Vancouver is far away.  In this town, the class difference makes me feel hopeless. 

Even though I don't quite feel loved at the Anglican Church, I do get good strong  Sunday vibes after going there. That's important. 

I would feel most loved if I went to Pastor Joel Osteen's Lakewood Church but that's in Houston Texas. Too far away. 

Thailand taught me if you donate to a Church or tum boon, good things happen to you. Donating to the Church helps chase away the bad things in life. 

I donate to the Catholic Church $5 a minimum of once a month. A few times I donated to them, within a couple of days I felt bliss that I never thought I could feel and this was in the midst of depression, anxiety, burnout and fear. The Catholic Church is very powerful! 

I would only donate to a Church if I feel that I got some good thing from it that I otherwise wouldn't have gotten, a blessing directly attributable to the donation. 

One time I donated $20 to the Anglican Church on the hill and later on that same day, I found $20 on the street. 

Donations often work, I've donated to Churches and that same week found something of value on the street, not just trash but something I could really use. 

I donated to the RCMP tour de rock charity and on that same day, I found a black navy pea jacket which I still wear to this day. 

I used to send donations to a Buddhist temple in Thailand but I haven't been there in about 20 years. It's a long time to send donations to a place I haven't been. I like value for my money. I will donate to the collection plate of a Church that I actually go to. The value is the actual presence of the Church, me actually being there with a full Church service including sermon, music, and the presence of the parishioners around me. 

To donate to a Church far away where I get none of that is ridiculous. If there was a Thai Buddhist temple in this town, I might donate sometimes. This town is too small, too backwater to have a Thai temple. Vancouver has one though. I donated to a Thai temple in Thailand for years and they wouldn't ever send a Thank you note that they got the donation, not even once a year. Maybe it's because they're Theravadan, I might have better luck with the Mahayana Buddhists. All that is irrelevant because I'm a Christian. Buddha was a good and very spiritual man who dispensed a teleological tautological philosophy of spirituality whereas Jesus is on a different dynamic, he is supernatural, he was the living Son of God. Jesus is more spiritually intense than Buddha. One can't be saved through Buddha, one might get enlightenment through following his to do list of teachings whereas one gets saved directly through Jesus Christ. I never had a dream of Buddha but in most dreams I have, a twenty two year old man with long brown hair and stubble and looks like a bike courier is my spirit guide who is there with me accompanying me. I think that's Jesus. Although how God and Jesus can help millions if not billions of people simultaneously is a mystery to me. That sounds like work overload, too much to keep track of, although God and Jesus can do it. 

All religions have something to teach and all religions can give you blessings if you donate to them. All religions are worthy of respect so it really doesn't matter what religion anyone donates to. I am a Christian, that's my personal choice. What religion another person is, that's none of my business. 

I might see if I can simultaneously be a Protestant and a Catholic. Or else I would go to the Church where I feel most loved. I am a better Christian than I used to be. Now I say the Lord's Prayer at least once a day and Thank God for the gift of life a few times a day. I am thinking of adding Thank God in advance of taking care of my future. I didn't do that in the past. 

I used to spout a lot of negative things. Words can come back to a person. Those words gave me burnout. Now saying Thank God for the gift of life lessens the possibility of burnout. 

Also I donate to Christian Churches more regularly. Before I just about never did it. Hopefully this can help me with my future and my fear of getting old  on an ongoing basis. I don't see what kind of future I will have. For some reason I presume it will be not a good one. I fear the future. 

My wishes: I'd like to have a deep belly laugh again. Things which made me really laugh in the last few years are Tusk, the Michael Parks and Justin Long interview, "Rounds, what rounds?! We're in the middle of nowhere!" And the fake Angelina Jolie person made me laugh. 

I hope to again discover a movie that I can watch 100 times and not get tired of it. I had movies like that in the past but since I watched them over 100 times already, I got tired of them. As I get older and more cynical and jaded and things are no longer new to me like they were when I was younger, it's difficult to find a movie like that. 

My anxiety is going away. I still have food related anxieties. Today at Church when I thought about whether or not to go to a restaurant for lunch, I had a quick stab of anxiety. It went away, but it was there. It's not as bad as it once was. The anxiety is going away slowly. 

My next door neighbour is a spastic monkey. Flips out, "Fuck!!! Fuck!!!" Bang! Smash! as he smashes more of his furniture. He's not as bad as he used to be. But he still flops out a bit once in awhile. Someone like that could give me an anxiety disorder. I wouldn't be surprised if he gets a brain aneurysm or brain embolism and dies in his room. 

He has gotten bursitis of the elbow in the last year. Strange he hasn't gotten it drained. Sometimes I think that doctors simply don't care if someone dies. Or maybe doctors are incompetent in general. I saw two doctors about the small bump of hard snot in my nose. They told me there's nothing wrong but one doctor told me to use Vaseline and another told me to use polysporin. 

The pandemic isn't a conspiracy or plot but a result of incompetence or else the Peter principle in that people rise to their level of incompetence. If someone is competent in a job they keep getting promotions until they are promoted to a job where they are no longer competent. This would explain the mismanagement of the pandemic. 

"Why do the protected need to be protected from the unprotected by forcing the unprotected to use the protection that did not protect the protected in the first place…?" Q&A News

If nearly 90% of people are vaccinated and there is a record number of cases, which demographic is responsible for most of the spreading of cases? 

"Never ascribe to malice that which can be explained with incompetence." Napoleon

Texas has no vaccine passports and no mask mandates. 

Anyways, that bursitis in his elbow that wasn't drained will eventually leak that toxic liquid to the rest of his body and he'll be dead. 

It takes a long time to wait in a doctors office before the doctor even sees you because he isn't checking what solution there is since he didn't talk to you yet to find out what's wrong. He's checking your profile to see if you are high priority or low priority. If you're low priority the doctor will say there's nothing wrong and send you on your way not caring if you die or not. 

I don't trust the medical industry. The medical industry is garbage along with the rest of the human species. 

The best thing I can wish is for my neighbour to move to somewhere better that would be conducive to him one day discovering more of the Christ like qualities that he has within himself. This hotel is a dive. 

I wonder why I have PTSD. Bang! Bang! Smash! Smash! "Fuck!!! Fuck!!!" Someone like that would give anybody PTSD. And he's been like that for years. When sports games are on, he's going "Wooooohhh!!! Yeah!!!!"  He's a 53 year old trying to act like a 23 year old schizophrenic. 

I'm supposed to live another 20 or so years with nothing but a shitty future on the horizon. I'm surprised the government doesn't euthanize me. 51 is too old yet not old enough. Too old to be called young or to be considered young but actual old age and death is still far away. However I don't know if I'll make it to 60 at this rate. What would happen if I did? Would my life be better then? I doubt it. What's the point of living? I'm surprised that God hasn't killed me in my sleep. He certainly has the power to. Why would God be keeping me alive when he could kill me at any time? What's the purpose of my future? I really don't see it. Since the World is overpopulated, what's one less person specifically myself. 

Religion makes no sense. Jesus was essentially a human sacrifice in lieu of all the animals like sheep and doves that were sacrificed in the pre Christ times of the Bible. What sense did it make to sacrifice doves and sheep? How did this make things better or even make a difference? The human species was no less pernicious and salacious after the animal sacrifices than they were before the animal sacrifices. Life was just as problem ridden and wretched after the sacrifices as before. It simply made no difference. Christianity's premise revolves around a human sacrifice.

"That's barbaric." Hermione 

Did it make a difference? Probably not. Humanity is just as egregious and perfidious and wretched and morally incompetent after Christ died on the cross as they were before. 

Monday, January 10

There is a new Blade Runner animated cartoon called Blade Runner Black Lotus. It's real sharp. The visuals and the fight choreography is out of this world. 

Today my anxiety and fear really came back. Living in major fear all day. I am almost shivering in fear. I did go to the James Bay Inn for breakfast and I walked to the beach and then to the Church but my fear of life, fear of old age and death and fear of the future is all here and present today. I think I'm going to be mentally screwed for life. Today isn't that good of a day. I was going to go to Sidney BC but the fear of life and fear of the future prevented me from doing that. I'll go to Sidney another day. I think I'm done for. Why am I even alive? I don't know if God can or will help me. 

The fear of working endlessly for my handicapped girl friend is contributing to the fear. The expectations of work are endless. It's a no win situation. If I don't work I feel guilty for abandoning her. If I work, I am a slave. If I accept money from her for the work I feel guilty. If I don't accept money I feel exploited. If she stays the work, the chores are endless. If she moves to assisted living there is a vacancy and I will miss her. See how my life is a trap and a bad future is guaranteed. Thus the fear fear fear fear. 

I have OCD and am compelled to work for her. I fear myself. 

Plus I think that thing in my nose is going to kill me. I won't make it to 60. Everyone else told me that I won't die and that thing in my nose won't kill me. There is that. 

Earlier I saw a large Paderno frying pan just lying in the street on some grass. But nearly half of it was black and burned and I already have a Paderno frying pan. Why would I need two? So I left it there. I went back to get it but it was already gone. Those Paderno frying pans are pricey. But if half of it was black maybe the Teflon burned off. Oh well. That's life. I should have scooped it. I fucked up. Maybe not. Why would I need two frying pans when I already have one? My aim is for my room to be minimalist. If I have two frying pans that means I would only mainly be using one and not the other. Why was half of it black and why was it left on the street? It must mean that the Teflon was burned off. It might have still been good though. I got my Paderno frying pan for a good price, $60. Usually they're over $100. I got it on sale. I regret leaving the one I saw today and not having scooped it. 

I feel completely crestfallen that I left a Paderno frying pan just lying in the street. I must have been spaced out. The regret that I feel is profound. I will probably regret this for life. I checked online. It was a Paderno 28" frying pan which retails new for $270. I fucked up majorly. I'm going to regret this for days. As I remember the frying pan I saw on the street had warped edges and it looked dirty. I wish I had a time machine. I would go back in time then and there and pick up the frying pan. Maybe I might find another 28" Paderno frying pan on the street but that would be the miracle of the century. The most painful aspect is I was there twice and didn't pick it up twice. When I went back there the third time it was gone. 1st time 10:30 am. Second time 12:30 pm. Third time 9:15 pm. What a tragedy that I missed out on that frying pan. I'm going to regret this for life. Oh Christ I'm almost in tears. Amazon Canada sells it for $120. That I didn't pick up the one I found on the street is for me a tragedy. I might go back tomorrow to look for it again. Maybe it might be somewhere around. I just can't get over the loss. My heart is broken over the loss. When I Googled 'I regret not picking something up that I found on the street' and went to videos, the first video's thumbnail was a picture of Jeff Bezos smiling a benign smile. That's when I thought of searching Amazon Canada. Maybe it was a 24" frying pan. 

I am completely disconsolate over the loss. I must have been insane to not pick up a Paderno frying pan. I planned to and did walk to the beach. I didn't want to carry a frying pan with me while walking to the beach. There was that too. The bottom was silver and had the word Paderno embossed stamped into it. What a loss. 

I have to let it go. It wasn't as if I was thinking, I need another Paderno frying pan when I already have one. The frying pan I saw on the street looked really trashed otherwise I would have picked it up. There was something really trashed about it. If I didn't see it today would I be thinking of getting another Paderno frying pan at this moment? I doubt it. How often am I thinking of getting another Paderno frying pan when I already have one? 

Tuesday, January 11

"Ghost of the future! I fear you more than any other spectre I have seen." 

A Christmas Carol

Another day of fear disorder. Life scares me and the future terrifies me. Everyone told me that I will get over this and get better. 

I talked to a few people about the frying pan. They all told me to not worry about it.

Matt Fraser on YouTube is a great psychic medium. There are a lot of great psychic mediums. They talk about life and the afterlife. Their talks are very entertaining and reassuring. He said that as long as one is alive, there is a purpose for their life. This is a cosmic purpose and not something that the ordinary physical mind can know. 

I wake up apprehensive every morning. However most days turn out to be better than I expected. 

I thought again about the Paderno frying pan I didn't scoop up and now I'm in tears. 

Out of the frying pan into the fire. 

I've decided to stop working for my handicapped friend. I've come to the conclusion that whether or not I work for her, she isn't getting any better. I'm on my way to burnout. Again. If I don't work for her I may be betraying her but if I work for her, I'm betraying myself. It's 7 days a week of work. Whether or not I work for her, she'll probably be dead in a couple of years. She is overly obese from laziness and she smokes two cartons of cigarettes a week. She's a user, a taker and she takes advantage of my kindness. I approach her saying, "Do you need help with that?" She always says, "Sure!" Never, "You've been working for me for months and 7 days a week. You need to take a break for awhile. This is my responsibility anyways. Thank you for your kindness but I have to do this myself." I told her this on several occasions, too many to count and its always back to" Sure!" I have her back but she doesn't have mine. I have to stop working for awhile due to mental collapse. The work is draining me. Activities either enhance you or drain you. There is no in between. A person can't betray themself. It takes 21 days to make or break a habit. I have to stop working for her. I worked for her more than most people would. I can't say that I haven't tried. If I don't work for her, what difference does it make when she goes to an assisted living facility. If I work for her it makes a difference and it has to be as soon as possible and it would be frustrating if it weren't soon enough. I've worked for her for long enough. I can't get burnout again or it will be the death of me. I have to stop working for her starting now. If she asks me to work for her, I'll say that I can't because I'm getting burned out. I can't work for her for medical reasons. I wonder if she'll get karma for taking advantage of someone's kindness. There probably is karma. I wouldn't take advantage of someone's kindness so the forces of life deliver someone like her to me, someone who totally takes advantage of someone's kindness. The sooner I stop working for her, the sooner she'll be taken to an assisted living facility where she'll be living in better surroundings. This hotel I live in is a dive and I am thinking of moving to another city. Most likely Sidney BC or else Vancouver. Thank God for the gift of life. It takes craziness to work for her the way I did and it will take craziness for me to quit working for her. I just have to tell her that I have burnout and can't work for her anymore. 

The work I do is in the morning, not only do I bring her coffee, I put on her knee brace because she can't do it herself and I make her bed. There are many reasons someone can't put on their knee brace and none of them are good. Laziness, feebleness and retardation. The nurses often do an atrocious job of putting on her knee brace so I took it upon myself to do it. Then in the afternoon, I clean her cooking pot and cutlery. She's too lazy to do it herself or does an awful job so I did it to prevent her getting food poisoning for unwashed cookery. She just about never cleans out her coffee cup. I would often see dead roaches in it so I clean it. Then in the evening put on her knee brace again and make her bed again. Every day for 7 days a week for months. I often ask if I could have the night off. She says yes but from OCD and habituation, I go to visit her to work for her anyways and without fail she says, "Sure!" Never, "Take a few nights off at least. You have been working for me long enough. It must be exhausting for you." I am thoughtful to her. In return I get thoughtlessness from her. And isn't that the damn forces of life for you? Give a certain kind of energy and get another and worse kind of energy in return. She does give me lots of tobacco. I haven't had to pay for my own tobacco for months. She is someone to talk with and she is otherwise very sweet and loving. I can't work for her anymore. I'm getting burnout. 

I learnt a lot from the YouTube video: Oprah Winfrey, SuperSoul Sunday, 'Intuition, Power and Grace' with Caroline Myss. She talks about activities are either empowering or draining, there is no in-between, give up any expectations of what is supposed to happen tomorrow and when one makes a choice that they know is draining to oneself one is betraying oneself. She also teaches that intuition is the inner voice that says things they often don't want to hear, like they betrayed themselves and it's the voice that can't let go. It's also the voice that says "I've one as much as I could in this situation. I've gone as far as I could go." This voice guides you. 

This video came on automatically and that is a sign from God for me to reevaluate my life and the choices I make. 

Don't stop the dance - Bryan Ferry 

Good 80s song. Reminds me of downtown Vancouver. 

My next door neighbour, Flippy McFlipout is coughing his lungs out all the time. He has been coughing for hours on end on some days.  He is bonkers and can give anyone an anxiety disorder. His name is Kenny. I practice Zen meditation. I give out the energy of Zen and in return I get the energy of Ken. Bang! Bang! Smash! Smash! "Fuck!!!! Fuck!!!!" when he really gets going and that's a few times a year. Which is an improvement from a  ouple of years previously when it was 2 times a week. I sold him three or four televisions and he breaks the screen on each one. He kicked in the screen of the first television I sold him. There's probably no one else like that or very few people. I could have sold my televisions to anyone else in this hotel and none of the screens would have been broken. Machines don't like him. His computers often break down on him. Machines have a machine spirit and they can sense the vibes of people. Machines sense his vibes and don't like him. Machines just about never break down on me besides the usual wear and tear. 

He's the kind of guy who would have a tooth abscess for three months before he sees a dentist. He has a really bad case of bursitis on his left elbow and he didn't see a doctor for it until three months later. A year later he still has the bursitis and hasn't gone to see a doctor about getting it drained. He's a really weird shit. I think that either the foul rotten liquid of the bursitis will leak into his body which would explain his wretched coughing or his old mother will die one day and he'll get an inheritance from her and move out. Or he won't move out. There have been some weird shits in this building who got an inheritance and still didn't move out. If I had an inheritance I would move out as quickly as possible. This guy won't move out because he senses that the next place he moves into, his new next door neighbour will probably wind up just killing him as he is a totally bonkers asshole. Just as bad as any of the bonkers people that the UK are famous for. That his new next door neighbour would probably kill him would not surprise me one bit. Some people if you heard they got killed, that would be a surprise while others if they get killed a lot of people would have seen it coming. Anyways, that's the kind of future that I see for this guy. 

Most of the neighbours in this hotel are good. No problems. But in any hotel I live in, there will be one or two problem neighbours guaranteed. In time, either I will move out or else they wind up moving out. That's also guaranteed. If my next door neighbour dies from his bursitis or for any reason, that would be Satanic. Deaths are always Satanic. I'm thinking that he could get a brain aneurysm or embolism from his AMP or anger management problem. AMP energy drink. I wouldn't hope that he dies, that would be awful. What kind of human being is that to be? 

Thursday, January 13

Dont worry about the future. If you can handle the present moment, you can handle the future. The present moment will morph into the future and the future morphs into the present moment. 

I am very homesick for Vancouver. I see videos of Vancouver on YouTube on my tablet while listening to Stingray Remember the 80s or Remember the 70s on my cable television and I get these strong waves of nostalgia and good memory. I used to live in East Vancouver downtown Eastside and I miss the place. The sweet vibes. It's my happy place and is the only thing that's pulling me out of depression and anxiety. I'd like to visit Vancouver again someday. 

All I have to do is think of Vancouver and all of a sudden I am there. Memories of the sweet vibes of Vancouver. 

I wouldn't be the only one to have sweet nostalgic memories of a city that they once lived in. 

I have memories of Vancouver that go back to my childhood in the 70s. The air was cleaner and the sky was bluer then. That's what everyone says about the past and that people in future decades will say about the 2020s.

I often think of moving back to Vancouver. The only place I can afford to live is the downtown Eastside which has gotten worse. It's the slummy skid row area of town. Slumcouver. Everyone in YouTube comments says it's pretty safe for the most part unless one is in a back alley at 3 am smoking crack or shooting up and who the hell would do that unless they are insane. The day time is safe. Even the night hours of coming home after a night shift working at a restaurant or after the last movie of the day at a movie theatre is safe there. At those hours there are lots of people on the streets and the junkies there can sense who is a junkie and who is not. They can sense who is rich and who is poor and on welfare. I am worried that a rich person might get robbed if they go there at night. Usually even that doesn't happen though. 

Anyways, I have often thought of moving back there and not feel in danger. I have said prayers for the people of the downtown Eastside. 

"May God help them to find the happiness and the love that they are looking for. May God help them all to find a good and hopeful future. Amen."

Friday, January 14

I really miss Vancouver. Wonderful vibes. This town doesn't do it for me as much as Vancouver. I should never have left. Vancouver has the mountains. 

I will probably be edentulous or without any teeth before all is said and done. At this rate, it wouldn't surprise me. There is something known as a soft diet for seniors without teeth. This includes scrambled eggs, soft pasta, soup without bones, yoghurt, gravies, pulled pork, flaky fish, sushi, ice cream and of course, stewed prunes. My dentist said I couldn't get any dentures due to bone loss in my Jaws. I think I can get dentures from a denture specialist. I still have enough teeth but for how long? At least a third of my teeth are gone. 

I'm going to move back to Vancouver one day. The handicapped girl really did a number on me. I did it as much if not more to myself. Deluding myself that she would die if I didn't help her. No she won't. She would only be moved to an assisted living facility. She never forcibly tells me to work for her. I just volunteer. 

I'm moving back to Vancouver within a couple of years. I could visit Victoria and Sidney from Vancouver. Vancouver has old memories and sweet vibes for me. This town gives me anxiety and depression. 

I wouldn't be surprised if I miss this town one day. Missing a town involves being away from it for a long time and reflecting on old memories. I have had depression and anxiety in Vancouver. I selectively don't remember that. Vancouver never gave me burnout like I experienced in this town. A hot grinding kind of burnout that lasts for months. I am getting over it and some days now, I feel really good. That's if I don't watch the News and listen to music while thinking of Vancouver. The News sells fear because fear sells. One day in the future, I might have to find a denture specialist in Vancouver when I'm over 60. That's if I make it to 60. At this rate, I simply don't know. 

Houses in Strathcona area in Vancouver, late 60s. Source: Vancouver archives. 

I wish I had a time machine. I'd move back to 1970s Vancouver. Then in ten years it would be the 80s. There would be no internet though. No Sony PSP or tablets with apps. I would miss that. But there's books and radio. There would be very few psychic books. In the 70s a new paperback book didn't cost much more than $1. But wages back then was $1.75 an hour. I need to get a time machine and move back to 1970 Vancouver. Would anyone know I was from the future? 1970s Vancouver didn't yet have a lot of things now taken for granted like DVDs and good movies. There were very few good movies in Vancouver in the 1970s. 

Three houses at Oppenheimer Park in 1977. Source: Vancouver archives. 

Have time machines been invented yet? Apparently microwaves and the cosmic microwave background are behind time machines. The cosmic microwave background's frequency changes with every second. Match the cosmic microwave background frequency to a time in the past or future and a time machine will take you there, theoretically. According to quantum physics, time travel is time experienced on an objective level, not a subjective level and teleportation is space experienced on an objective level and not a subjective level. So with that, time travel is theoretically possible 

You would need a quantum computer. But they did it in 1943 without a quantum computer. Yeah but they made a mistake. Tesla experimented with sending small things into the future. It might have required 1,000 volts of electricity to send something that is 1 kg 1 minute into the future. 

When they tried it on something the size of the USS Eldridge, they prorated that and came up with million of volts or maybe even 1.21 Gigawatts required. However that amount of Gigawatts would cause too much of a disruption in the frequency of the cosmic microwave background and thus the ship was sent 41 years into the future to 1984. A quantum computer would also be able to determine the calculus necessary for the dampening and parsing of such a huge amount of mass of an object to be sent into the future with a required delay of ten minutes into the future instead of an accidental 41 years as with the case of the USS Eldridge. When the microwaves wore off the USS Eldridge was then catapulted 41 years into the past at approximately the same time it disappeared. 

They were working on microwaves as a cloaking or invisibility technology. Sending something a few seconds or minutes into the future would sure make it invisible. 

"No ship that small has a cloaking device." The Empire Strikes Back

In the Icelandic movie the Lamb the protagonist was reading a magazine article that said said that time travel was theoretically possible. 

If so, then send me back to Vancouver in the 1970s even late 60s would really be far out. But if I was my age now, 51 sent to the late 60s, would I still be alive in 2022? I seriously doubt it! It would be a good run. I'd be 61 in 1975  and 71 in 1985. I'd be in my 60s and 70s before the advent of 80s music. That'd be a price to pay. 

Food was better in times past. In the old days, the 1950s, one could bring home some green onions and celery etc and you could smell it all over the house. These days celery and green onions etc hardly has any smell. Nutrients and smell have just about all been GMO'd out of foods. 

When will a time machine show up for me? I need to go back to late 60s and 1970s Vancouver. 

Those three houses today. Source: Google maps street view. 

Friday, January 14

Still hung up about that trashed Paderno frying pan I didn't scoop up off the street. Then I thought about Bang Per Buck. 1 small Paderno frying pan cost $60 used 100% of the time. Extend that to 10 Paderno frying pans costing in total $1,000 but each frying pan used 10% of the time ideally but most likely some will be rarely if ever used. That's not good bang per buck. Even if I had 2 Paderno frying pans, 1 costing $60 and the other is the $230 model, it would cost about $300 in total and one would be used only 50% of the time ideally but most likely one would be used a lot less than the other one. Not good bang per buck. Why do I need two frying pans? Why would I need 2 televisions or 2 computers or 2 sinks? I have the one Paderno frying pan I bought new and unused in pristine immaculate spackling condition. The other looked almost evil. Dirty, warped edges, trashed, and with almost 50% of the surface blackened. Was the Teflon burnt off or what? Why was it thrown onto the street if it was any good? Whatever.... 

Pastor Joel Osteen said it's good to ask big. To ask God audaciously to not only be blessed but to be blessed indeed. My prayer for myself is to one day meet a lady who is beautiful, just beautiful, to be my girlfriend or wife and I ask God that I can live in a rich place one day. A nice rich uplifting house or apartment near UBC in Vancouver or else in James Bay, Victoria or else in Sidney BC. Whether God answers my prayer is another thing. In a Dan Brown movie, the Priest said, "God answers all prayers. Sometimes the answer is 'No.'"

I hope that God answers "Yes!" to my prayer about finding a beautiful girlfriend. I hope that God moves me into a rich place. I remember to say the Lord's Prayer daily. And I always remember to thank God for the gift of life however bored or depressed or anxiety ridden or fearful I am. Thank God for the gift of life!

During a panic attack or burnout or PTSD, the part of the brain that can envision a good future shuts down. I am recovering from my burnout. My brain isn't so shut down that I can't envision a beautiful lady and living in a rich place as a possible good future for myself. 

I don't think that my cartoons are needed or useful to anyone. I can't create cartoons when I am in anxiety or depression. That energy would go into the cartoons and convey to others. I will create cartoons again when I feel uplifted and inspired and if I know that people like them. I am not sure if they do or not. My cartoons have amateur production values. It's a one man band. More professional production value cartoons are made with a team of people. Well, I lived out my dream. When I was 11, I wanted to be an animated cartoonist not sure that it would ever happen. You need to go to animation school and have access to studio connections as well as an animation studio. Wrong. I was self taught and I used Windows Movie Maker, Windows Paint and then later on Flip A Clip to make my cartoons. 

A lot of cartoons on Windows Paint and Windows Movie Maker were made with my left hand when my right arm was going through muscle cramps which stretching totally cured. I could draw as well with my left hand as with my right. And I was drawing with a mouse on Windows Paint as well. 

Flip A Clip was an app that showed me that I didn't need a Microsoft Surface Pro tablet. Any tablet will do. It was about 5 years from when I first seen a Microsoft Surface Pro ad to using Flip A Clip. Needless to say, for those 5 years I was really majorly intensely wishing for a Microsoft Surface Pro tablet. In a way, I finally got my wish. I am taking at least a two year hiatus on doing any artwork. I don't know if I'll do any artwork ever again. I'll do it if something inspires me or if someone, a lady, inspires me. Very few people in town ever ask me about my cartoons. There has been only one very special lady who asked me about it. 

My ideal team for animating cartoons would include: 

Director - besides me. A director or supervisor would say that the cartoon needs more of this or less of that. 

Writer - writes the story or screenplay and plots the dialogue. 

Voices - a group of people to do the different voices

Animator illustrator - that would be me. I guess I could also be the director and writer but there's no way I could do the different voices required to do a good cartoon. 

Music - I could do that but it's better to use royalty free music from YouTube. YouTube used to offer that and with different genres of music. I wonder if YouTube still does that. Apparently YouTube does. 

Saturday, January 15, 2022

I woke up this morning saying aloud that life has lost all its magic for me. Not even a minute later while playing Subway Surfers, the word of the day was MAGIC. Then I went to a supermarket and I saw a birthday card that read, Wishing You A Magical Birthday. Life still has its magic for me. 

Old age I figured is like a drug that makes a person happy. The grey hair, the wrinkles are a kind of drug that makes a person happy in a way that no drug legal or illegal can. Old age is a time when the organs start wearing down and that includes the amygdala which can lead to happiness. For me happiness is nostalgia. Looking at pictures of a town I used to live in and listening to 70s and 80s music and feeling happy, feeling that strange rush of serotonin. I have to appreciate what I have now. As bored and sometimes hopelessly depressed as I feel in this town, if I ever move to another town, I will feel nostalgia for this town and yearn to be back to these days. 

When one grows older, one's sense of nostalgia intensifies. 

When I used to live in the downtown eastside of Vancouver, I was depressed a lot. Now when I look at pictures of the downtown eastside my mind cherry picks and has selective memories of times when I really felt blissful there. I miss that neighbourhood. It was magical to me. The brick buildings, the small shops, the cobblestone streets. Everyday was like Christmas there. Everyday there had the magic vibes of Christmas. I'll feel that way about this town one day and that is when I'll be completely happy. 

The Empress Hotel in this town is magical, looking into the lit windows at night. 

Victoria BC is a backwater town that thinks it's the center of the Universe. It's a fishbowl existence and the selection of any given thing suffers compared to Vancouver. I'm moving back to Vancouver. I hardly made any friends here and any friends I made are shallow friendships. A lot of people on forums say that about Victoria BC. They didn't make any really good friends. Vancouver is a big city with lots and lots of scenes. Victoria BC is a fishbowl existence. The same few scenes over and over again. Dawson Creek is much worse. No scenes. Total backwater, dead hole. Vancouver is the only city worth living in in this Province. Any other city is a hopeless backwater. 

Torn between two lovers. Should I stay or should I go? These songs. Should I stay in Victoria or move to Vancouver? 

Victoria is a clean but boring town. 

Vancouver is a rough crowded but exciting city. 

Vancouver can be very rough and I don't know what kind of neighbors I will have in the next place I live in. I'll probably have a few nutty neighbour's I don't like. As usual. This hotel I am living in has that. 

There are arguments for and against moving. I have a lot of things here. I can always start over and it would take less than a year for me to be completely set up in Vancouver again. Big screen TV, etc. 

Big screen TV, I would need at least a 40" 4K HDTV but preferably and no bigger than a 55" 4K HDTV. I'd have to get that again in Vancouver. Then I would need a 4K blu ray player or 4K upscale blu ray player. I would need computer speakers for my television and all connective AV cables. I would bring my SHAW cable modem with me for wireless Wi fi. Downtown Eastside is rough. Hopefully no one kicks in the door and steals my electronics. Some hotels are better than others. I'd like to stay at Tamura House or else Cordova Rooms or Main Rooms. Even staying at the Glory Hotel, again, is a choice. I miss the downtown Eastside. I had more friends when I was there. People who would visit me and I visit them. I hardly have any friends like that in this town. Should I stay in Victoria or move away? 

I talked to my friend Suzie. She thinks I should stay. But she is only a good friend, she would never be my girlfriend or anything like that. So why should I stay? 

Once someone said to me, Follow your heart, Wherever you are is where your heart belongs and tells you to be. Wherever you are, you are well loved. 

Some people will never let you go. My old friend from Dawson Creek still emails me even though I haven't seen him in over ten years. He just wants to say hi but my suspicious paranoid mind thinks that he wants me to go back to Dawson Creek. Small towns can be very possessive and anyone extra is an asset to any small town. But my friend is 76 years old. I doubt that he wants me to work for him because he has long retired. He's just saying hi and that he cares. What a good friend. 

I don't know how to use a payphone to call long distance. Cel phones are cheap enough. They cost about $100 or even slightly less. A $25 a month plan includes unlimited calls and even long distance within Canada or within BC Province anyways. But I am scared of scammers calling me. If I disconnect my battery and opt not to have a voice mail forwarding service, those calls can't get to me. I would only use the phone to possibly talk to my friend from Dawson Creek but sometimes he mildly upsets me with the things he says, to be honest. I don't know if I want to get a phone just to talk to him. I think he's a bit of a stalker. Don't see someone for over ten years and they still call you = stalker or what?! 

I often think he's a bit of a nut and has some nefarious purpose but most of the time after I talk to him, I'm amazed at how peaceful and how together he is compared to me as I know that I myself have trust issues and paranoia issues. 

I'd otherwise use the cell phone to call Vancouver rooming houses to ask about vacancy and then about daily, weekly and monthly rental rates. But I could get a long distance phone card like CiCi and use a pay phone. 

I should visit Vancouver. What if it goes wrong but what if it goes really right? 

I'm thinking of smoking pot again. Once you get past the initial paranoia, there is a sweet spot that lasts for hours. But if one is in burnout or complex PTSD, smoking pot is really painful and the paranoia is much more than usual, it's right through the roof! I think I'm recovered from my burnout enough to think about smoking pot again. I might as well enjoy the last 20 or so years of my life. But the idea of falling off the wagon prevents me. 

I smoke tobacco all the time. 

In the old days when I smoked pot, I still reflexively fell into negativity. That's because I wasn't thanking God for the gift of life regularly as I am doing now. 

I should do a minimal dose. 

There are 3 types of doctors

Allopathic - traditional medicine uses drugs, medicine and surgery. MD

Osteopathic - bone and muscle doctors, massage used, osteopathic doctors or OD is officially recognized in the United States 

Homeopathic - uses ancient techniques like herbs etc. Minimal dosing is used. In some places homeopathic doctors are not legally recognized. 

This morning at the complex across the street from Floyd's restaurant that houses the James Bay Library and the new site of the military recruitment centre along the walkway in the middle of the complex, I saw an old lady with white hair, a round bouffant hairstyle being quite cruel to her dog. Her dog was a small black terrier, probably a puppy and she was forceably pulling the leash hard a few times. That dogs legs didn't move as she pulled hard on the red leash again and again. I hope that someone sees her probably an undercover cop and talks to her about it. She's got to be doing that often. She probably does that to that dog everywhere she walks it. I didn't say anything to her. I didn't have the authority. One day, someone's going to talk to her about it. I don't know if that old lady will even be alive in a few years. That dog will most likely outlive her. 

She's probably not the only one in town let alone the world who is mean to their dog. 

The human species is an asshole to animals. People working at abattoirs kill hundreds of animals every day. People in South America eat Guinea pigs. I could never eat a Guinea pig. To me they are like babies. People in China eat dogs and cats. Again, to me they are like babies and I could never eat a dog or a cat. One day the collective ill will of animals to humans could bring about the end of the human species. Coronavirus is a forum of this as the virus started as an animal to human transmission. 

The human species isn't all an asshole to animals. A lot of people are vegetarians who refuse to eat animals. 

A chicken egg that is unfertilized and the drinking of milk to me isn't considered non-vegetarian as long as a living animal isn't killed. Pasta involves the use of eggs as pasta is flour and eggs. Ice cream, baked goods and pastries often use milk as well as eggs. Ice cream is milk, eggs and sugar and whatever flavoring and food coloring. 

I've often thought of being a vegetarian but haven't been able to do it. There are varieties of vegetarianism. Some vegetarians might only eat fish and seafood and refuse to eat beef, pork and poultry. That's one level of vegetarianism. 

Sunday, January 16, 2022

Tonight at about 12:30 I smoked some pot again. Earlier, I had a gut punch of anxiety. To alleviate the anxiety, while also fearing it would make it worse, I took a chance and had two quick inhalations then exhaling quickly, no holding it in, of pot. Strangely, I felt rather good the whole time. No sharp intense mountain sized paranoia like I had three months ago. 

All is good. Whether I work for the handicapped girl or not, she will get better. Whether I stay or move to Vancouver within a couple of weeks is all good. I think I might just go on a one week vacation and if I like it, I'll move sometime later this year or next year, who cares? Even if I don't go, that's OK but I'm going. Vancouver is a great adventure. More of an adventure and more challenging than traveling to Sidney BC but not as much of an adventure or as challenging as traveling to England. 

I don't want to work for the handicapped girl so much anymore. She said that she'd be all right even if I didn't help her. The help in question is help putting on her knee brace at night. I'll just have to resolve to not visit her after 4:30 pm. 

I might move to Vancouver after all as the spastic monkey human hamster who lives next door gets too noisy for me at times. But it could be just as bad or worse in Vancouver. Could be but might not be. The spastic monkey is a tough act to follow. Hamster because he stays up late at night like a hamster. 

Victoria BC, home of the newlyweds, the nearly deads and the nutheads.

Visit Vancouver for 1 day. Suggestion plan:

Arrive at Granville Street and Georgia Skytrain station entrance. Walk around Granville. Walk North for two blocks and turn around and walk South for 6 blocks. Then walk to Burrard Street. Wait for the bus or walk West to visit Vanier Park and The Museum of Vancouver and then the Maritime Museum. Then take 27 Burrard bus West to 4th Ave. Transfer to 4 UBC bus. Then go to UBC and walk around. Visit Trail 3 if you know where it is. Then visit the Museum of Anthropology; note The Great Hall is closed for siemoc upgrades. Then visit the UBC student hall for a quick snack of sushi. Then bus back to Granville Street. Explore Robson Street for awhile and then back to the Skytrain station to either the airport or to Bridgeport Station then to BC Ferries. 

Another plan: Just hang around downtown Vancouver all day. Go shopping at Pacific Centre Mall. Go to a restaurant. See a movie. Shop for a souvenir. Museums may be too nerdy for some people but I like them. 

Vancouver is a wonderful beautiful irridescent jewel beyond comparison. It's the most beautiful city in the World. It's the most beautiful city in the entire Universe and that includes all multi galactic superclusters. 

My dream and prayer is to one day live at a rich place in Vancouver with the minimal of things. I don't want a room full of stuff. A Zen minimalist room. 

Plan for the unvaccinated: Forget restaurants, museums and movie theaters. Order take out or go to fast food restaurants. Shopping malls and food courts are there. Walk around outdoors. This plan is a money saver. Museum admission is $15 each. Movie theaters are about $14. You don't have to leave as much of a tip for take out. Some people leave no tip at all but some of the restaurant workers rely on tips to keep them afloat and to make ends meet. Leaving at least a 15% tip is courteous. There are all kinds of natural souvenirs. You can always pick up a small rock from a park or a beach and that's a free souvenir. 

The pandemic plays out like a classic yuppie scam. Scamdemic. The pandemic started under Trump's watch. Trump is the King of yuppie scams.

"It can still work. The trainer, the lawyer, and the player cheating on the fix." Against All Odds

Purchase shares in pharmaceutical stock. Announce the start of a pandemic. Pandemic share prices rise when vaccines are released. These speculation yuppie scams are a game of hot potato. That's how they work best. Just like the real estate speculation bubble scam. When the last Nth person spends their life savings on a rundown fix-me-up shack valued at $1 million, the price drops leaving a lot of people poor while the rich clean up. When enough people invest in pharmaceutical shares then the pandemic is over and the price of pharmaceutical shares drop leaving the less rich investors twisting in the wind and creating a recession. Otherwise the market would be saturated. If anybody even poor people and working people could cobble up some money, get some board lots of stocks and be 100% guaranteed to make money then who would want to go to work or even save money in a bank? Why work and save money in a bank when you could make more off of stock share dividends than you could with wages and bank account interest even compound interest. 

Why even bother to start a business when you could pay a down payment on a house enough to get some kind of a title and then sell it for a guaranteed huge profit a few years down the road enough to pay off the mortgage and get a huge profit besides? That's a better plan than getting an RRSP or a 401K. Which is why the real estate bubble will one day burst. 

In Toronto, house prices have decreased but in Vancouver they have increased. People are moving out of Toronto and moving to Vancouver. The housing bubble has burst in Toronto it looks like. 

Not only the economy but all of civilization would collapse. It would also undermine the gambling casino nature that the stock market is known for. The stock market is known for benefitting the big players and the occasional lucky small time player. 

Near the end of the the roaring 20s, Joe Kennedy encountered a shoeshine boy who told Joe Kennedy how wonderful the stock market was. Joe Kennedy thought to himself, If even the shoeshine boy is into this, it's time to get out!

This is just my imagination and is no way true. None of this could be proven anyways. Sometimes imagination makes the best fiction. I just pulled this out of a hat. 

Tuesday, January 18

The key to happiness for me is to be able to love this town as much as I love Vancouver, to have as much nostalgia for this town as I have for Vancouver. Vancouver vibes, Victoria vibes. 

In life it's the 1% who make it to heaven. These are people living ultra luxurious lives. 

In the afterlife, it's the 1% who don't make it to heaven. Spiritual videos on YouTube about NDEs say that most people will make it to heaven. The only exceptions are the really evil people. People who committed heinous crimes. 

My wish: I wish to find a jacket that's yellow, one day.  I'll see how effective writing in this blog is. 

My major wishes: I wish to live near UBC one day. I wish for a beautiful wife around my age with whom I am compatible with. I wish for a 4 door BMW with standard transmission. Other than that, no real wishes. 

Bad day, again. Started the day with fear. Ended the day with anxiety. Anxiety is worse than fear. Fear is worse than depression. If the rest of my life is going to be like this, I'd rather be dead. 

I don't think that I have a future. I'm surprised I'm still alive. Actually it's not as bad as it was a few months ago, but the PTSD burnout is something I am still recovering from. I haven't fully recovered from it. I wonder if I ever will and what that would look like. Too many people with weird energy trying to steal my energy. Life is just barely worth living. I wonder how long I am going to live. I am not the same person I was. 

Religion is just a control system. It addresses and assuages peoples fear of death with assumptions like God is protecting them and that there is a heaven that awaits faithful Christians. What if there is no God, just random forces. Cool Worlds has a YouTube video called Journey To The End of the World. If the Earth was a 12 month calendar, each month representing 1 billion years, of Earth's 12 billion year life span, all life on Earth, from the very first to the very last one-celled organisms, exists for just 20% of that time. Humans are on Earth for less than 15 minutes prorated to that calendar. After all of life disappears, Earth becomes a carbon dioxide-less place and no life exists ever after and that is June in that calendar. Religion never talks about that. There might not be any God. Just random forces. There is no heaven. Either the brain just shuts off at death or people go to that chaotic disorganized place they go to in dreams where the forces of good and evil still exist just like on Earth. No heaven, no hell but a persistent grey area but in a spiritual set up rather than a physical set up. And what about other religions. Only Christians go to heaven? I really doubt that. Good people of all religions would go to heaven if there is a God. 

I thank God for the gift of life. That is a psychologically if not spiritually good and healthy thing to do. God protecting me and heavenly afterlife is the ideal. I'm not sure if it's the reality. Pastor Joel is an uplifting speaker. However there is no poison like false hope. I'd still rather hear an uplifting person speaking all day influencing my thoughts than to hear the negative fear porn that is the news on any day of the week. The news is garbage and no better than the trashy gossip and conspiracy theory rags sold at supermarkets. I don't know what's in store for me. 

I have seen angelic signs today. I won't discount them. I saw two white feathers outside my room door this morning. According to YouTube videos on the topic, white feathers is a sign that means angels. Also right at the split second I turned around and looked, I saw two yellow taxis quickly going in opposite directions. Miss a second later and I wouldn't have seen that. Usually I walk my good friend to one place but today we made a detour. On the way back from the detour, I saw two yellow bananas connected together that I wouldn't have otherwise seen. I also picked up two yellow scones connected in a single saran wrapping. Usually they are wrapped singularly. 

They were soggy from the rain so I threw them away. So today wasn't all that bad. There entire books sold at bookstores about angels and angelic signs. I've seen those books. God does exist but he exists in mysterious ways. The Lord works in mysterious ways. To not acknowledge angelic signs and to only focus on my fear and anxiety would be an affront to God. 

Images of Angels often show up as video thumbnails in YouTube video recommendations. I've seen that countless times. 

I don't know what God is going to do after all life, never mind the anthropocene era, disappears on Earth and the Earth becomes a lifeless ocean-less desert and that is around the end of the 6 billion year mark of a 12 billion year lifespan. The Earth is currently about 4 billion years old. 

We are talking about the God who created the Universe here. 

I think that even aliens from advanced civilizations, technologically and spiritually advanced also believe in God. They might have come down to Earth thousands of years ago and taught humans about God but this is getting into the realm of imagination and science fiction. 

Wednesday, January 19

Last night's dream unmemorable. Saw a few things. Couldn't make heads or tails of it. 

The fear persists. Will I always be afraid? 

"Only for today, I am unafraid." Take My Breath Away, Berlin

I can't imagine a good future for myself. My future is bleak. 

I felt a lot better towards the evening. Today in the afternoon, I made a small donation to the Catholic Church. This Church has magical powers. A lot of the times I donated there, I often felt better at times even to the point of feeling blissful. This is baffling considering that particular Catholic Church's history. I read that a Priest was done in there. A crazy man stabbed the Priest in the chest. But this was back in 1898 which was a long time ago. Oh, the crazy 90s. The 1890s that is. 

I am watching old 50s radio shows on YouTube. The channel is called Radio Science Fiction. It brings me back to a simpler time. Me being 51 years old and probably has about 20 years left to live, give or take a few years is listening to programs made 20 years before I was born. The radio shows are pretty good. It brings to me the nostalgia of the Vancouver Museum. 

I wonder if the dial in my body is permanently set to depression and anxiety. Permanently like Kaiser Permanente. Maybe the dial can reset to permanently happy. If permanent anxiety comes from certain parts of a human body, then permanent happiness can also come from certain other parts of the human body. Or maybe its cyclical. Bad times don't last forever and good times don't last forever. Who knows? 

Hunger causing anger is called hangry. Could hunger causing anxiety be called hungxiety? 

A warrior or a worrier? 

My life is messed up in so many ways. I don't have the strength to handle the future. Why am I even still alive? Life can be evil, it's not all bad but a lot about life is scary. I don't fully trust anyone including any of my friends. They all have ulterior motives towards me. I'm not sure if God is really interested in helping me. I'm lost and alone in a chaotic evil world and my future I think is going to be grim. Why am I alive? I heard of cases of people my age just going to sleep and then dying either magically or medically. It's foolish to be born into this world. It's a world of lots of evil and worry and then one day everyone who is born has to one day die. Better not to be born if you could avoid it. I wish I was never born. Why on Earth am I even alive? What's the purpose? So I could go through life worried. My life is messed up in so many ways. 

People who live a long life wish for more life and look back and see that a lot of times they worried about things that turned out to be nothing. 

UK ends mandatory mask requirement and vaccine passports starting next Thursday. They plan to abandon Plan B and switch to Plan A.* 

Meanwhile here in BC bars are forced to shut down until mid February. In the US a lot of red states like Alabama and Texas don't have mask mandates or passports. BC is an offious backwater, policy wonks. 

*source YouTube Debbie Hellion and the Apocalypse - UK Ends Evil Plan to leave millions of millions of millions of people out of Society. January 19.

*source Global News January 19. 

The Jimmy Dore Show also said that Dr Fauci said that everyone will get covid anyways and vaccines are no protection.*

*source YouTube, The Jimmy Dore Show - Dr Fauci admits that Jimmy Dore was right about covid, January 19

So basically I got two jabs for nothing. I'm not getting a third. A third spike from the third Reich. No thanks. Too much registration. Too much trouble. I spend 22 hours a day at home. If I get covid and die, well my life is going nowhere anyways. What do I have to live for? Live in a rich place, get married? Dream on! 

I'm baffled that I'm still alive. In Shakespeare's time, people generally only lived to about 50. The human DNA hasn't changed since then. Me getting the two vaccine jabs will probably hasten my demise. There is a higher power, God. What His plans are for my life and my physiology are beyond my control. 

I think that YouTube shitlisted me. Most of my comments get only 1 like if even that. However one comment I saw had 67 likes at the time I saw it. My videos get very few views. But one of my videos has over 200,000 views. That's also the one with over 200,000 dislikes but YouTube has since disabled the dislikes option just like they disabled the report comment option. It's only useless ornamentation. I think that my reputation on the internet is ruined. Me and millions of others. Some time in the past or present, enemies or else jealous people have ruined my reputation. These are people who couldn't even draw let alone animate a cartoon. That's the kind of people I have to deal with on the internet. Gormless talentless people. 

My advice. Don't get on the internet. You'll get your fair share of trolls for sure. And if you're popular it's at the point of the more videos you do, the more videos you have to do. Still, a lot off successful people have quit YouTube because they got tired of it. 

One day when or if I ever recover from my chronic anxiety, fear and depression PTSD burnout nervous breakdown I might do more cartoons. I'll have to be at a really good place in life. Otherwise I'm too broken down to ever do any artwork ever again. 

Friday, January 21, 2022

A comment on Jimmy Dore's Dr Fauci video talked about above said that the pandemic is the Stanford Prison Experiment on a worldwide scale. That experiment made certain prisoners in charge to deal out punishments. Given authority, there was just about no limit to their cruelty in administering punishments. 

This could also be compared to the Milgram experiment where people on one end of the experiment were ordered to give increasing electric shocks to actors who gave wrong answers to test questions. They were actors since there was no real electric shocks. The electric shock administers did not protest or question the morality of giving increasing shocks. They obeyed without caring about what happened to those on the receiving end of the shocks. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile. Many governments and health care authorities in authority don't care about the pain they cause a populace due to increased pandemic restrictions and lockdowns. Typical. The Experimenter is a 2015 movie about the Milgram Experiment. 

Universe 25 is Dr John B Calhoun's experiment about behavioral sink where he created a utopia for mice. He put mice in a large cage with no predators and unlimited food and water and unlimited ability to reproduce. It was a large spacious cage giving the mice plenty of room. The mice soon reproduced at a prodigious rate. Without the usual stressors of predatory threats, the mice soon turned on one another fighting and even cannabalizing each other. Some mice were starving outcasts and others were fat on food and other mice. This showed that a society without the stressors of a pandemic, or war, or social schisms like discrimination would soon turn on one another. A pandemic might in some weird way be a good thing that strengthens a society's bond to one another. There are more details to the experiment. Soon the experiment produced some very well behaved mice or 'the beautiful ones'.** Eventually though, all the mice died. Opponents of the experiment argued that people are more psychologically complex than mice and thus the comparison can't be made to how people would behave. Humans have language and spirituality. Animals are aware. Humans are aware that they are aware. 

This is the best mouse experiment I have heard of since rats at cocaine feeder bars. These cocaine feeder bar rats would also go through an electric grid giving them shocks even more often than starving rats going through a similarly charged or a less charged grid for food and water. The cocaine feeder bar rats would often forego food and water to a great extent and prefer to go for the cocaine. This describes a lot of people.*

*source: YouTube. Riddle - Creepiest Science Experiments In Human History

**source: YouTube. Today I Found Out - That Time A Guy Tried To Build A Utopia For Mice And It All Went To Hell

Universe 25. Lsd 25.

Down the Rabbit Hole - The Utopia Mouse Experiment is a very good and comprehensive video on YouTube about Universe 25.

I might have been the recipient of a Milgram type experiment. The handicapped lady friend of mine. As long as I offer, she'll never turn down any offer of help, taking advantage of my kindness. Even when the electric shocks are turned up, in my case being 14 months of help turning into 15 months of help and so on, she will never stop to ask herself if it's morally right to expect such a long never ending period of help from someone. Even someone who told her on numerous occasions that they're on the verge of burnout. But she's very agreeable either way. If I offer to help, she'll say "Sure!". But if I decline to help any further, telling her that I'm running out of steam and on my way to burnout, she would say "That's OK." as well. It's not like she's saying, "You have to work for me." She paid me well for my help. Just last month alone, she bought me a $35 Goodle Play Card for Christmas plus gave me at least $40 for compensation for helping her. And this month she gave me another $40. That's all right. I feel guilty accepting the money. I'm not doing it for the money. I'd sooner have no work and no money. I got a dump of work but also a dump of money as well.

Time and money goes quickly. 

A YouTuber I wrote to in Vancouver, Debbie Hellion said in not so many words that it would be a good idea for me to move back to Vancouver. Even to the downtown Eastside. She said that the island where I live is boring. But she lived on another part of the island and she found it very boring. My town is just big and exciting enough as to not be boring. Sidney BC could be boring though. I might move back to Vancouver in a few years. I hope that my YouTuber friend is still there. I'd like to meet her. My YouTuber friend lives in the downtown Eastside. 

Vancouver is more exciting than this town. Only I would get it backwards. I live in a big town, then I am living in small towns just when I am starting to be on YouTube. It should be I live in a small town and then get on YouTube and then move to a big town. 

Vancouver because of its size has more intellectuals, the most intense intellectuals. Some of the people I spoke to in this town have no answer to a lot of questions. 

One day I'll move back to Vancouver. I know well and just love love love Vancouver vibes. I think of and miss Vancouver vibes every day. 

My YouTube friend said she might move to the island when she gets really old. So there is that. 

If Debbie can make it in the downtown Eastside and she's a lady riding in an electric scooter with a little dog, then I ought to be able to make it there too. 

She wrote back to me! I'm starstruck. 

Ideally, I'd like to live near UBC or in Kitsilano, or in the Shaughnessy Heights neighbourhood, but the downtown Eastside is acceptable to me as well. 

I still often say a prayer: "God, may the people of the downtown Eastside find the love and happiness they are looking for. May they have a good and hopeful future. In Jesus name, Amen." 

Saturday, January 22, 2022

I had a good day. Beautiful weather. Went to Subway with my handicapped lady friend. 

Suffering from health anxiety. Despite seeing two doctors about this including one on Tuesday January 4 and told I'm fine, I still think the thing in my left nostril, bump, hard rubbery snot is going to flare up and kill me within a few years. It's still here after months. Did the doctors miss something?  Classic health anxiety. I am watching lots of YouTube videos about health anxiety. 'The Anxiety Guy' on YouTube advised to trust the body's natural ability to heal itself and just let go. 

I think that Debbie Hellion might have called me bastard on a reply to one of my comments on one of her videos. Anyone else, it would bother me more. But this is classic Debbie Hellion. Typical word salad reply so much so it's difficult to know what is more incoherent, Debbie Hellion's word salad reply or any one of Donald Trump's incoherent speeches. Fun times. 

There is room for doubt. She might not have called me bastard, but rather the person who is the subject of her video, in this case PM Justin Trudeau. With Debbie it's difficult to tell. Perhaps it was both of us, me and Justin Trudeau simultaneously. Again, that's classic Debbie Hellion. 

Sunday, January 23

My 55" RCA 4K HDTV that I got at Shoppers three years ago on sale for $349 plus tax has flickering vertical lines. I think it happened before. I unplug it, clean all the leads and outlet points using spray air in a can.  Replugit and it should work. If not, I'll have to get another TV. 

The flickering white vertical lines are intermittent. They come and go and they're very thin. It's the thick colored vertical lines that don't ever go away but just stay on the screen that you got to worry about. That means the T-con board must be replaced or else unplug and reattach the two thick width copper bands at the bottom of the TV. 

I don't really need another TV. I only use the TV for the 24 hour a day no commercials 80s and then the 70s music channel. And I use it for YouTube over the blu ray player. For music, I hook my Sony Walkman mp3 player to the speaker. For YouTube, I use the tablet. If the TV is still fucked after I plug it back in, then I will get another smaller TV at Walmart. Someday. 

If I get another TV I'll just get a 40" or a 32". I don't really need a 55" television. For awhile I thought of getting a 65" television but that would be absolutely insane. A 40" or even a 32" television is good enough. These televisions are dropping in price. Shop around. 

Update: My television works perfectly now. I restarted it ten minutes ago. If there were any flickering vertical lines it would have showed up. None did. 

Today is the day the James Webb space telescope reaches its destination. I hope the James Webb telescope is more reliable than a television. If the JWST breaks down, it has self repairing mechanisms or Earth will send it radio signal codes to repair it. 

Matt Fraser said on a video released today that Mercury is in retrograde resulting in the potential of electronics not working properly for awhile. How long is the retrograde? I'll try the TV again in a few hours or a few days. About electronics, some pages on Google took forever to load and then still not load. Mercury in retrograde. January 14 to February 3. 

A nurse said I should get a referral to an ENT doctor about my nose. She said I should insist on it. The ENT doctor could get a biopsy. I hope nothing is wrong. The nurse said I am fine and won't die but to see an ENT just to be sure. I hope there's nothing wrong. If it's serious, I guess that I'll have to be euthanized. Or in this case, euthanosed. I'm hoping that the ENT will tell me that it's nothing serious, tell me exactly what it is and what medication I need for it. 

She said that cancer tumors are very - - - - - - -, a word that means bleeds easily. I didn't get the word. I think she said ferrous. Ferrous means rich in iron but then blood is very rich in iron. So I don't have that. 

Update: the word she said was friable. 

Other than that, all is well. 

Monday, January 24

Worry comes from cherry picking the bad moments of the past, self criticism for the present and catastrophizing about the future. Instead remember the good moments about the past, think about the things you like about yourself even if it's little things as self criticism is often about the little things, and remember that the future is full of good surprises. 

There is no such thing as happiness. There is nostalgia and bliss which is often Sunday vibes or else good sunlight and listening to 80s and 70s music. There is lust when one falls in love. And there is anticipation and excitement and enthusiasm just before attending a fun event or going on a vacation. 

There is silly laughter when seeing something funny. 

But those things above might not be the same as happiness. 

Happiness is absence of fear, depression and anxiety and anger even if only for a few minutes. 

I am somewhat judging myself for my bad habits being smoking tobacco and occasionally smoking a little bit of Marijuana of which I would smoke the tiniest amount and then exhaling quickly, no holding it in. 

I also judge myself for picking up garbage off the street and throwing it in the garbage can. Sometimes I even take the garbage with me to throw it in the garbage can at home. Weird, I know. 

Judge not lest ye be judged. Judge not others or you will start judging yourself. Also judge not yourself or you will start judging others which leads to more judging of yourself. Once you get the ball rolling, it's going to roll. 

Please pray for me to quit smoking tobacco and also Marijuana. 

The things I fear are not things that everybody else would fear. I fear my smoking and I fear me licking up garbage all the time. What's with my obsession with picking up and throwing away garbage? I hope I can stop this. How can I walk with a nice lady then say wait, while I pick up some garbage? My dating life is over. I also pick up cigarette butts and have been doing it for years. I might be thus mentally deranged for life. Hopefully not. I only have 20 - 30 years left to live as I am 51 years old. 

From YouTube comments. One needs to be vaccinated to travel. With the latest omicron strain it's vaccinated travelers bringing it in from other countries and spread it. In this case it's not the unvaccinated who spread it. The vaccine, it protects from covid but then again it doesn't. Too many plot holes in this bad movie. 

Debbie Hellion video: Dr Fauci says we are still in phase 1 of 5 in the pandemic. 

Phases:

1. Negative world impact

2. Deceleration

3. Control

4. Elimination

5. Eradication

It seems phase 1 is the big problem. All the rest are a breeze comparatively. Phase 5 seems like a non phase because it's a back to normal phase. 

It's phases progressively decreasing in severity rather than increasing or staying the same. 

I saw a doctor and got a referral to the ENT today. ETA of ENT about a year, give or take 3 months. The doctor said the thing is my nose is nothing to stress about. In a year, I could be dead from the thing in my nose. If it's something bad, I would opt to be euthanized. 

The doctor said to stop smoking but in my case, that's a tall order. I smoke tobacco and occasionally, marijuana. Life goes fast. Before you know it you're 50. I'd like to quit smoking tobacco. Maybe I will. 

Tuesday, January 25

Thank God for the gift of life. 

Lots of people don't even wear masks on the street. Every person I see without a mask is an omen that the pandemic will one day be over and over soon. 

Last night I smoked marijuana again. Actually I smoked marijuana two or three times yesterday. I still smoke tobacco. I'd like to quit all one day. The trick is to envision what a good clean life I will have without smoking anything. It's good to be clean and sober. 

I am the imperfect me. I smoke tobacco and occasionally marijuana and I pick up garbage off the streets, and either throw it away, or sometimes I collect it. Sometimes I even make a trip back to pick up garbage I missed and want to collect. I usually have thay garbage for a couple of days at most only to wind up throwing it away. I am a bit of a hoarder although I also want a Zen minimalist room as my home. 

The perfect me would smoke no substances and also pick up no garbage. Maybe a bit of garbage once every few days but no more than that. I never heard of garbage that stays. If I don't pick up some garbage, I often go back after some time and see that it's gone. Either someone picked it up or the wind swept it away or whatever. Don't worry. If you don't pick up garbage, eventually that garbage would always disappear anyways without you needing to pick it up. If it's valuable garbage like a whatever, someone is sure to pick it up. Rule: Don't pick up garbage that is clothing like mittens or gloves etc. People might have diseases. People wipe their nose with their hands and then put it back in the mittens or gloves etc. Sweaty hands etc. The only clothing I would pick up is something that I decided for awhile beforehand that I want for example a yellow jacket. 

I saw a pair of gloves and my crazy patch made me start walking back to get it. No, I thought. Someone probably lost them. They were sitting on a fence. They were black Thinsulate gloves. They looked a size too small for me anyways. I already have a favorite sentimental pair of gloves that I had for years. I'm not replacing these gloves ever. I get crazy patches when it comes to garbage and even walking back to get garbage that I missed. That has to stop or I will forever be imperfect. Douglas Bloch said blocked thinking is not tapping in to your higher self. Smooth thinking is the higher self. 

On Friday January 28 I saw a Twilight Zone episode on YouTube. The Curious Case of Edgar Witherspoon. 

Writers: Haskell Brkin and J Michael Straczynski

A trash collector hoarder who used to be an engineer builds a machine he claims stabilizes the world. A psych doctor visits him and just as Edgar is about to be sent to the mental institute, the psych doctor knocks some paperclips off of the machine. Edgar yells, "There goes the island of Tatoa!" The doctor notes the time as 3:17. Later on that day, the doctor hears on the News that the island of Tatoa was destroyed by a tidal wave at 3:17. This spooks the doctor who decides to have Edgar released immediately. Edgar announces that he is retiring and moving to Florida. The doctor then decides to take it upon himself to obsessively maintain the strange machine including collecting the necessary bits of garbage to do it. . 

The moral of the story is the little things we do, even or especially the crazy things all have some kind of ripple effect. And the things you're doing that you or others think are crazy might not be so crazy after all. 

I went to the beach today. It was very nice and good for the spirit. One can't stay cooped up at home all week. That could lead to cabin fever and burnout. 

For serious mathematicians. The Universe is a big place. Assuming that the Universe is a sphere and not a toroid, if the width of the Universe is 93 billion light years and the area of a sphere is 4 x pi x r2 then the area of the Universe is 4 x 3.14 x 46.5 LY x 46.5 LY =  27, 157. 86 rounded off is 27, 158 x a billion is 27,158, 000,000,000 LY. Which is basically 27 trillion cubic light years.  That's how big God's Universe is in area. I'm not sure that the God who hears our prayers is the one behind the Universe because that would be micromanagement to an incredible degree to say the least. I think we get a regional manager, the God in charge of this quarter of the galaxy. The ancient had many Gods of mini Gods or a pantheon to explain this. There are galactic superclusters and the Universe has millions of that. I am really not sure that the God who hears our prayers is the same one behind the Universe. 

The Earth is expected to be around for 12 billion years. Prorated to a calendar, a month every billion years, life is only around from the start of April to the end of May. Then the Earth is unsustainable to life due to certain changes. If Earth is the only planet in the Universe with life, that means from April to May, God is busy. Then after that he has nothing to do. If God only answers human prayers then in that prorated calendar, God is only busy for less than 14 minutes. The rest of the time he has nothing to do in terms of prayer answering. What a raw deal for a God that wants to feel useful to self aware, highly conscious intelligent life. 

One of mathematics most difficult problems is Goldbach's conjecture stating that any number 2 or greater is a sum of two prime numbers. 

I thought that mathematics most difficult problem is the Lorentz Transformation. 

Why did Mozart kill his chickens? Because they kept saying "Bach Bach Bach." - from Douglas Bloch

Taking advantage of the window of time of the partial power vacuum that countries have created for themselves during the covid lockdown and vaccine passports in particular the EU countries and also the US, Russia has decided to potentially invade Ukraine claiming the usual Soviet sovereignty rights, land grab, Nord Stream 2 natural gas pipeline from Europe to Russia through Ukraine, Russia doesn't want Ukraine to join NATO, etc 

In the 1800s it was just the Crimean War, now its a possible war for all of Ukraine. Crimea is a region is Southern Ukraine, very militarily strategic. 

A worst case scenario imaginable is Russia sends a nuke to the US to preempt their military communications ability. World War 3. We're all dead basically. Global thermo nuclear war. If they start sending atom bombs perhaps this is the time to seriously think of overdosing on heroin. I'd rather die on my own terms which is a few minutes long painless heroin overdose death than to die of nuclear fifth degree burns or months slowly and painfully dying of radiation poisoning. That's what governments get for tying one hand behind people's back with their stupid erroneous lockdown and vaccine passports. 

"I refuse to live life with one hand tied behind my back." James Dean

James Dean was referring to something or other about his life. 

Anyways, governments of the world compromised their own countries ability to mobilize and defend themselves through the enactment of lockdown and vaccine passports. The Russians aren't worried about the seriousness of the pandemic or otherwise what are they doing mobilizing around Ukraine in numbers 100,000 strong like a pod of killer whales circling a seal. Is Ukraine even worth fighting over? The area of Ukraine is roughly 604,000 km2 rounded off. Chernobyl has radiationed 150,000 square km of Ukraine. The radiation will wear off completely in around 12,500 AD. That's what Russia is fighting for?! Oh those Russians! 

Putin, Emperor Pal-Putin talks about last minute diplomacy. 

The Chechens of Ukraine are legendarily very fierce fighters. They'd give the Russians a run for their money. 

So much for glasnost which means openness and perestroika which means restructuring. 

I learned all of this from watching television. 

I hope that things turn out well for all of them. I like Russian people and I like Ukrainian people. I hope that they come to some kind of mutually agreeable resolution. 

"I speak of my hopes and not my expectations." Sherlock Holmes

I would advise the average Ukrainian citizen to get any kind of gun that they can and to defend themselves the best that they can and to get a syringe full of heroin and to take themselves out before the Russian military gets them. The Russians will most likely torture them and that would be just awful. Or else I would advise them to try to escape from Ukraine, take the midnight express, while they still can. Just bring the essentials, don't worry about bringing anything else and just go. If you're on the Western side of Ukraine, you could go to Belarus, Poland, Czechoslovakia, Hungary, Romania or Moldova, if you're on the Eastern end, in the Province's of Sumy, Karkhiv, Luhansk and Donetsk aka Donbass region, you could only go to Russia and in this case, that'd be no good! 

Russian troops were at Ukraine border a few years ago. That time, ironically, it was to potentially prevent a Euro-maidan Ukrainian civil war; Revolution of Dignity. 

Ukraine and Poland flags are very similar. Ukraine flag is cut lengthwise in half, the bottom half yellow representing wheat fields, the top half blue representing the blue sky. Poland flag is red on the bottom half and white on the top half. Poland got invaded by Germany. Ukraine might get invaded by Russia. The Police Synchronicity album has some red with white above that. It also has yellow with blue over it. There is another version of the album cover with the yellow over the blue. But blue and red next to each other is just like police car lights..... Whatever... 

I wouldn't mind getting some chicken Kiev. The recipe is Kiev butter which is butter, garlic, vodka, sliced green onions, some white pepper. Mix together and put in freezer in small portions. Then wrap a chicken breast around the mixed and frozen Kiev butter and bread the chicken breast with milk, raw scrambled egg and breading, use a toothpick to hold it together and then deep fry it for about 7 minutes. It's pretty good!  

Chicken Kiev is either available at M&M meat shops or else PC brand is available at the real Canadian Superstore and either places is a long bus ride away. I probably most likely won't be getting that. 

Easy chicken Kiev, 6 of 1 is half a dozen of the other. Get some cooked chicken, deep-fried with batter or not. Fry up some butter with garlic and green onion. Pour it over the chicken. 

Wednesday, January 26

Thanks be to God for the gift of life. 

The more vaccine boosters, the less the chances are that they will all be of the same brand. And some brands are better than others. Moderna is supposed to be better than Pfizer and Moderna is better than Johnson & Johnson. 

Mixed vaccine brands was an issue when it came to travelling out of the country. 

But these aren't vaccines in the usual sense of the word like a smallpox or measles vaccine. They don't fully protect a person from getting or transmitting the disease that is covid. So it's a vaccine but then again it isn't. What a world we live in. I'm still alive however I often wonder why. 

I'm glad that I never had any children otherwise this is the World that they would have to live in. 

Today, Jimmy Dore Show on YouTube. Video titled, "UK and Ireland Dropping All Covid Restrictions" and the thumbnail reads 'Its Over!'. 

It's a real calico patchwork. England, Ireland and Denmark is lifting all covid restrictions. Also Texas, Florida and Alabama have no covid restrictions. 

Meanwhile, Scotland is keeping its covid restrictions for political reasons. The Scots all got fucked over by the Sturgeon. Covid restrictions are really bad in Australia and New Zealand. Canada is keeping its covid restrictions thanks to Trudeau who is using vitriolic to demonize the non vaxxed. 

Of course England is the Lord's of the Major and Canada is the backwater colonialiats. Things are done differently in either place. 

"This isn't about your health. It never was." Anti Vaxx protest sign

The truckers Convoy of Freedom in Canada reminds me of the 1381 Peasants Revolt. To pay for the hundred years war between England and France, there was a poll tax. Everyone had to pay the same amount of tax be they rich or poor. Enough people paid, but a third of the people decided to unregister themselves from the polls. There was a shortfall. Tax commissioners were dispatched. The peasants revolt started in May 1381 when tax collectors would even resort to feeling under women's skirts to see if they were a virgin or married and therefore were taxable. And you thought the vaccine passport was bad, they had a vagine passport! That was the last straw that broke the camels back. A baker named Thomas Baker and then shortly afterwards a man named Abel Kerr started the peasants revolt against the tax commissioners. A month later in June, 60,000 peasants from the Province's of Cambridge, Norfolk, Essex and Kent converged on London. Kind of like the truckers Convoy of Freedom in Canada as truckers from several Canadian Provinces converge to Ottawa. 

In Canada, the requirement that all truckers be vaxxed to cross the US either truckers from Canada going to the US or truckers from the US crossing into the Canada border is the straw that broke the camels back. 50,000 trucks, big rigs, 18 wheelers, trucking convoy etc are converging on to Ottawa to arrive on Saturday, January 29. 

For awhile, things seemed to go the peasants way. The peasants rampage through London beheading all those who they didn't see fit. They ransacked Savoy Palace site of the current Savoy Hotel in London, killing a few and majorly vandalizing the place. The Tower of London was stormed, prisoners released and the Archbishop of Canterbury Simon Sudbury who was hiding out in the Tower of London was beheaded by the rebels. 

The King at the time, King Richard II*** who was 14 years old, met with the rebel peasants. The peasants wanted 4 demands 

1. The end of bonded servitude or serfdom, meaning the right to work for anyone they wished, not just one Lord. 

2. The right to sell their produce, crops to anyone they wished and not be forced to pay tributes to one Lord, ie a free market. 

3. That rents be lowered to to 4 pence an acre. Some rents were as high as 2 shillings an acre. 

4. A full pardon for anyone involved in the peasants revolt. 

The King agreed in writing. But he had no intention of following through. He set his militia on stopping and hunting down the rebels. 

The next phase of the revolt was led by a man named Wat Tyler. More violence, disorder, revolution, etc. 

Another meeting with the King. This time with Wat Tyler. Tyler asked for more concessions, freedom, abolition of the aristocracy except for the King, local courts and police to be run by the people themselves, all senior clergy except for John Ball to be made the next Archbishop of Canterbury, money gone into the bishops and the Lords to be divided by the common people.

The King agreed with a small warning that people continue to respect the Monarchy. 

Wat Tyler then walked away drinking some beer. He then got into a fight with the Mayor of London William Walworth**. Tyler tried to stab the Mayor who was wearing armour. But the Mayor struck the back of Tyler's neck with a sword seriously injuring him. 

The peasants revolt didn't end well for the peasants. One of the main rebels, Wat Tyler was pulled from a Church where the monks were trying to keep him alive after being seriously injured, was beheaded and his head was paraded on a spike by the Kings forces . That ended the steam of the peasants revolt. Most of the peasants were then hunted down. A few were pardoned. And some were beheaded or else hung drawn and quartered. Bishop John Ball was hung drawn and quartered. The one who started it all, Thomas Baker was hunted down, and hung drawn and quartered on July 4, 1381.*

*source. The Peasants Revolt, Timeline, Tony Robinson. YouTube. 

**source: The Brutal Peasants Revolt of 1381. TheUntoldPast. YouTube. 

Well anyways, I hope that things turn out better for the truckers convoy converging on Ottawa than it did for the peasants of the peasants revolt of 1381.

***King Richard II, Queen Elizabeth II, King Philip II 1527 - 1598 of whom the Philippines was named after, the Philippines was where Magellan who was Portuguese but working for the Spanish first went to in 1521, in 1542 a dispute between Portugal and Spain occurred in which Spain won and named the Philippines after their then current King Philip II. 

King Umberto II The last King of Italy whose reign began and ended in 1946. 

The peasants revolt showed that people, even people with not much education could make a difference and were a politically and or otherwise a force to be reckoned with and must be factored in political decisions. The peasants were just a hairbreadths away of completely transforming their country. Tony Robinson said, "Governments can only work if people are prepared to be governed."

Like the truckers convoy to Ottawa, the peasants revolt took place during a pandemic. 

I don't seriously expect anyone to read this. It's too long winded. Forget it. This is just notes for my own personal edification. 

King Richard II married a 7 year old. His second wife was Isabella of Valois, daughter of France's King Charles II. When asked about it, he said, "Every day would make her older."* Is that how they rolled in the 1300s?! Ghastly! Wretched! 

Born in 1389 Isabella of Valois died in childbirth at age 19 in 1409. 

King Richard II went to Ireland twice to try to Anglicize the Irish Kings to no avail.*

*source: The Royal Book of Lists. Matthew Richardson

"The arc of the moral Universe is long, but it bends towards justice." Martin Luther King Jr

Flatten the curve or flatten the middle class? 

2 weeks to flatten the curve? 18 wheels to flatten the curve. 

14 days to flatten the curve has turned into 710 days and counting. 

Thursday, January 27

Thank God for the gift of life. To live is good. 

While England has lifted their covid restrictions, this backwater Province of a backwater country has extended the vaccine passport to June 30, the day before Canada Day. That's just about 25 weeks. I hope that it isn't still extended after that. The pandemic could go on forever. That makes life not  worth living. I don't really trust the government and health authorities anymore. They keep on pulling the rug under our feet. 

They probably thought the war with Japan in World War 2 in the summer of 1945 would go on for years. It ended suddenly in August 1945. The pandemic could end just as suddenly as it started. 

The pandemic already ended in England. England has always been ahead of the curve at the vanguard. The rest of the places just only do what they can to catch up. 

Just don't go to movies. Watch movies online. Don't go to restaurants, order take out and go to grocery stores. That will save you money. The government isn't reliant on tax revenue from movie theaters and restaurants anymore. They invest in crypto currency. 

I don't know about my future. It is uncertain and probably will be boring. I don't think I'll find love ever again. I'm just being led down the primrose path with one lady whom I'm not sure that I really want to be my girlfriend anyways. My sex drive is gone. I might have a enlargening prostate. Douglas Bloch said that 98% of older men have an enlarged prostate. Even with all that, I still am thankful to God for the gift of life. 

My ultimate dreams are still to find a girlfriend I am really compatible with. Sexually compatible as well. And to live in a nice area of Vancouver in a nice rich house. And to get a BMW. Oh well, zero out of three ain't bad. Thank God for the gift of life notwithstanding. 

There is a very slim chance that I might get an inheritance. That would take care of renting an apartment in a nice area of Vancouver near UBC. And to get a second hand BMW off of St Vincent de Paul. They are known to sell cars at a very cheap price. I would shop around for a four door BMW standard transmission. Any year will do. M series not Miseries would be nice. It's just a one letter difference between M series and Miseries. Thank you God that you have plans to prosper me and to give me a good future. Jeremiah 29:11 

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

As I wait for my dreams to unfold or not, I still fully appreciate this beautiful moment of this beautiful day in a beautiful town. This time in my life is a treasure. I have wonderful and loving and kind and smart friends. 

The future is full of good surprises. The future can and most likely will be mind blowingly good. 

Dr Andrew Weil wrote in his book Spontaneous Healng:

The body can hel itself. It can do so because it has a healing system. At every level of biological organization, from DNA up, mechanisms of self-diagnosis, self-repair, and regeneration exist in us. Medicine that takes advantage of this innate healing is more effective than medicine that simply suppresses symptoms.*

In other words, homeopathic medicine rather than allopathic medicine. 

*source: Douglas Bloch. Will I Feel Normal Again? YouTube 

Hopefully my nose can heal on its own. Over the decades I've lived, I've had quite a few issues, noises of the body, and eventually one day, I got to the bottom of them all and they healed. With some issues, I spent almost $200 over the course of a few years but then they healed without me having to pay for more products. It helps to say a prayer. Jesus can heal all diseases. Jesus and the goodness of God. 

A few tips to get past food anxiety. Be a finicky eater. Only eat what you really really want to et and only when you feel really really hungry, not when you just feel kind of hungry. Don't be afraid to throw away food you don't want to eat or food that has gone past expiry date. Expired food isn't some long lost golden treasure. Don't be a food hoarder. 

Try to go for free food at food lines to save money but only eat what you really really want to eat. Throw the rest away. Don't be afraid to spend a bit of money sometimes on gourmet groceries or a fine restaurant meal either eat in or take out. 

Dr. Robert Malone recommended:

globalcovidsummit.org

unityprojectonline.com

"If you have to be persuaded, lied to, incentivized, coerced, bullied, socially shamed, guilt-tripped, threatened, punished and criminalized...If all of this is necessary to gain your compliance ~ You can be absolutely certain that what is being promoted is not in your best interest " - Ian Watson

That being said, it's too late for me. I got sucked in to the shit. I got the two jabs two months before they even announced the vaccine passports. Why not take advantage of it? Others getting a vaccination just for a vaccine passport so they can see a movie or go to a restaurant is like Esau coerced into selling his birthright to Jacob for a bowl of gruel. I should never have gotten vaccinated. The vaccine gave me burnout and PTSD that and other things like drinking endless energy drinks and getting only 3 hours of sleep a night for months, plus working 7 days a week for a handicapped person who is not getting better at all plus the summer record setting heat wave plus turning 50 which means being old and going through some bodily changes and not for the better plus the stress of the pandemic, all the above things all at once gave me extreme burnout plus anxiety and fear that lasted for months. 

Why can a giraffe sleep for only 20 minutes a day and not get burnout? 

I am only somewhat getting over it except I can't smoke pot without fear like I used to. The vaccine gave me a ceiling effect for pot which means I can no longer enjoy it like I used to. A Nobel Prize winner said that most people who got the vaccine will be dead in two years.* I got the vaccine last year which means I only have a year to go. Who cares? I got no love life. The only love lives I have is a handicapped girlfriend who I love very much but feel no sexual attraction towards and another lady who is a total tease, she seems real sweet but she's just leading me down the primrose path. She's just being really sweet somewhat leading me on with no intention of ever being my girlfriend but I don't care because she's not really my type. There is a height difference between us. At least there's less of a height difference between me and my handicapped girlfriend, that is when she's standing and not in the wheelchair. Height difference = turnoff. So basically I have no future that I can see. 

Well, with the sweet lady with the height difference, I have Bader Meinhof syndrome in which a lot of ladies I see look like her and remind me of her and also the Fregoli effect, ladies who look only somewhat like her I see as looking pretty much exactly like her. 

There's no ladies in this town who really turn me on. I met ladies in other towns who everytime I talked to her, I would have to 'relieve myself' within five minutes of going back to my apartment. Or perhaps I'm over 50. Old. And thus my sex drive has evaporated along with my courage to travel to Vancouver and England. 

I got no future that's any good. Just a dismal banal boring lacklustre future. I often think of giving up on life but I won't do it. My life is in God's hands. Jesus too. 

Why God didn't kill me with myocarditis due to the vaccine, I don't know. I heard that some people who got the vaccine got that.**

*source: Factly. Fact check: Did Nobel Laureate Luc Montagnier Say That The Vaccinated Will Die In Two Years? YouTube

**source: MemeTheLeft. Truckers Shine Light Into Evil Dark Tyranny. YouTube

If the vaccine is going to kill all within two years like the Nobel Prize guy said, why wouldn't the government just place all of us under a firing squad? Why not cut out the middleman? 

"Trudeau wants us all dead!" 

“He doesn't want you at all! He's after someone called uh, uh, Skywalker."

The Empire Strikes Back? 

"You will own nothing and be happy." Klaus Schwab, Schwabba the Hutt

The covid policies are there to set up and to accelerate the great reset of 2022.

The Great Reset is Only the Start of Something Worse. The Kwak Brothers. YouTube

1. Implemetantion of social credit system based on behaviours

2. Inflation, stagflation, leading to high debt, bankruptcy and then reliance on universal basic income or UBI or everyone including the former rich and middle class on welfare, owning nothing and being happy. 

3. WEF meeting under Davos Agenda

Result: Centralized power under the 1%. Elimination of capitalism except for the 1%. World Communism. 

The World is getting worse. I should just give up on life. I relied on welfare or basic income all my life. As a result I never got married. But are not a lot of rich people also unmarried? What's their excuse? 

Things never go in a straight line as predicted. There is always point counterpoint. Hegelian dialectics. Life is something that happens when you're busy making other plans as John Lennon said. Life and politics is never as good or as bad as it first appears. etc. 

So I shouldn't give up on life and neither should you. 

People predict things and they often don't happen. 

For example:

Did the World in fact end in 2021? Sure it got fucked up a bit but it didn't exactly 'end' , not in the traditional sense of the word. 

Ways to fight back against great reset. Get informed. Resist. Own your own things that stand the test of time like real estate. Get out of debt. Don't use credit cards. Learn financial literacy. *

*source. The great reset: how to fight back... The Kwak Brothers. YouTube. Interesting video. 

What's the point? I will never own real estate. I will probably never get a BMW. My life will be over in about 20 years anyways. Why should I even want a BMW? What's that all about?! 

The Kwak brothers somehow got a few million dollars of real estate when they were 23 years old. 

I'm over 50. I only got 20 or so more years to worry about this shit. It's people in their 20s who have another 50 years to worry about this great reset shit who I worry about. 

What about Schwab? He'll probably be dead in less than 10 years. He's pretty old. 

Debunkers of the Great Reset conspiracy say that it is mostly proTrump alt-right right wingers who use this conspiracy theory to play to a base to smear the left and to label the left as communists. The great reset is more about climate change and initiatives to address global warming. 

You will own nothing and be happy debunked. The full quote is:

“You'll own nothing. And you’ll be happy. What you want you’ll rent, and it’ll be delivered by drone.”

Could I rent a BMW? Yes. It's called Tilden rent a car and it's also called  leasing. 

Why do I want a BMW? Most people want a Ferrari or Lamborghini. BMW is a mid range niche market car. Not as good as Mercedes but better than a plain old Chevy, I guess. 

Scotty Kilmer said, "Toyota is King, everything else is garbage. BMW too many plastic parts these days. Super expensive to repair etc."

Friday, January 28, 2022

First elected in November 2015, Trudeau only has 3 years left of PMing left to go. Canadian PM's usually have a shelf life of about ten years give or take a couple of years. I've never heard of a Canadian PM lasting for much more than 10 years. Maybe the Opposition will call a vote of confidence over the handling of the pandemic and if they win, that's it. People including myself will be hard pressed to vote for Trudeau again even though he legalized marijuana. Marijuana gave me burnout. I'm still kind of scared to smoke it. I get paranoid and strange dopey songs go through my mind on pot that aren't there when I'm sober. 

Legally the next Canadian Federal election is October 20, 2025.

A Canadian Prime Minister can be in office for as long as ten years. An American President can be in Office for 8 years maximum. A minimum term of Office for an American President is 4 years unless he gets impeached or resigns like Nixon resigned before he got impeached. A Canadian PM can be in Office for as short as 1 year like Paul Martin before he was ousted during a vote of confidence. Kim Campbell was appointed not elected as a PM but didn't last long in office following an election in which she did not get elected. Joe Clark was a PM for a very short time. Crises like the Truckers protest are potentially grounds for the Opposition to call a vote of confidence. Whether or not they do is another thing. A vote of confidence from the Opposition has greater power in a minority government than a majority government and Prime Minister Trudeau right now has a minority government. Unpopular policies don't leave the governing party in a strong position. All the Opposition has to do is to promise the opposite of these policies like indurate is the opposite of friable and that Party's Leader should be able to win the next election. In terms of political lifespan, when it's good in Canada it's better than it is in the States, and when its bad in Canada it's worse than it is in the States. A Canadian Prime Minister's term in office is friable. An American President's term in office is indurate. 

Information overload. This is another installment. 

As one gets older, the information overload only increases. That's a disadvantage of growing older. 

Victoria Osteen talked about a mother who stressesd about changing diapers. When the child grew, she missed the diaper days. Also a sophomore at University couldn't wait to graduate. But when she did graduate, the real world seemed a bit scary and she missed being at University. Don't yearn for tomorrow so much that you miss out on today. 

I can't find that video. I'd like to see it again but I think I got the message. More information overload. Victoria Osteen does have a video called Pulling the Plug on Information Overload. She and Joel Osteen are saints. They are living angels. Their faith is strong. It's inspiring. They do live in a $10 million dollar mansion. But a lot of similarly rich people are not nearly as faithful. The Osteens once went through hard times when they weren't as rich. They earn their money, each week they have to speak to a very large crowd. Most rich people who live in a rich mansion don't have to speak to a large crowd. God Bless the Osteens as the Osteens have blessed anyone who listens to their inspiring words. 

I hate it when I can't find a YouTube video I want to see again. 

But sometimes miracles happen. Joel Osteen talked in a video about, What if God sends you a special someone who goes overboard to show you love but because of your self doubt you dismiss it. I tried for hours to find that video. In a suggestion after one of his videos, I clicked on it. There it was, the video called 'Let It Go'. 

I found a mostly used bottle of Skinceuticals Ce Ferrulic on the street. I put it in my nose for my nose bump problem. The bottle is nearly used up. I want to get a new bottle. Price on amazon, $230. Pricey. I don't know if it works for my problem. No one told me to use it. I just did it. I'll try anything if it might work. It has Ferrulic acid. So hopefully it works. It has so far just barely worked. I simply can't afford to order it on amazon. What, am I Elon Musk?! I'm not that rich! I'm not rich at all. I'm living in poverty. That's life. 

I don't want to live to 100. Imagine the information overload. 

The perfect version of Steely Dan's song The Second Arrangement was lost when a studio technician accidentally recorded over it. Donald Fagen is such a perfectionist that he only wanted the perfect version with horns playing to be released on the Gaucho album although other versions of this song were later released on The Lost Gaucho alum. There is another story that Donald Fagen himself deliberately ruined the recording to get back at MCA records for making Steely Dan complete a contract they had for another record company before that record company shut down and MCA took over. How can there be more than one story for the loss of a song? Music has so many weird stories and legends like the fake Paul McCartney story. Thomas Edison said, "Inventions that work the first time always scare me." Maybe that song was so perfect that it scared Donald Fagen. And that there is a chance it could be released one day like how they found Mozart's and or Beethoven's lost symphonies years later sitting in an attic. Or how they find lost Van Gogh and Leonardo da Vinci paintings centuries later. One day they might find the lost sublime perfect original recording of Steely Dan's The Second Arrangement and we could all hear that it isn't a fraud, it is really really the hauntingly perfect version of The Second Arrangement. 

If there was only one story of how the perfect version of The Second Arrangement got lost, that'd be one thing. But there is more than one story. Which makes it suspect. Anyways even the lo-fi alternate demo versions of The Second Arrangement sounds like being in heaven. Steely Dan music would be playing piped over the loudspeakers in heaven. The 2nd Arrangement is a song on another level, on a heavenly level. 

Another music story is that Jimi Hendrix left behind a whole box of master tapes for Axis Bold As Love, several hours worth of music. He had to rerecord the entire album. Hopefully the cab driver kept the master tapes and didn't just throw it in the garbage. 

ultimateclassicrock.com - Lost master tape of Steely Dan: The Second Arrangement has been found in 2020. No word of when digital transfer and release to the public will take place. This is the Holy Grail of rock music. 

Heartbreak Souvenir is another lost and publicly unheard song from the Gaucho recording sessions. 

For all albums that last about 45 minutes, as much as 100 hours of music, demos outtakes etc are recorded. This music might otherwise be glossed over. But make a story that music was lost in a cab and then found again or due to some misunderstanding the music was lost or supposedly purposely destroyed etc. It's marketing. It's thinking a few steps ahead to a day when a band is no longer recording but want to still make money, sell records. A record company wants to sell records too. The words, this is the Holy Grail of music is a clue that its marketing. Aren't all good classic songs a Holy Grail of music? Marketing turns a plain bottle of water that costs $1.00 a bottle using a fancy label and a brand name into the same bottle of water that now costs $2.50 a bottle. 

Saturday, January 29

Thank God for the gift of life. It I good to live. 

Thank God for the gift of life is on autocomplete on my tablet at this point. 

Today I was at the Truckers Rally at the Legislative Buildings for about 20 minutes. I would have stayed longer if I thought it would make a difference. The masking and vaccines are hideous and onerous. From experience protects do nothing. Even with protests the government usually doubles down on whatever bullshit. But this isn't good for Trudeau. It makes him lose face and shows an inability to effectively govern. This tarnishes Trudeau's legacy. This is fertile ground for the Opposition Leader to call a vote of confidence. That leader just has to promise to end covid restrictions in the next election. "They got the guns but we got the numbers." as Jim Morrison of The Doors said. Historically, the government and the people have always been evenly matched. The government and the people are chained to one another and have often held each other at cross purposes. 

The wheels of the government turn slowly. Eventually things will change whether it be a curtailment of covid restrictions or else an election where Trudeau might not get re-elected again. Then he goes on to collect a pension for life and make speeches at $500 a plate dinners and sit on a CEO advisory board as is usual with ex high level politicians. 

I then went to the beach and hung around there for about half an hour. 

The Truckers protest might or might not make a difference and not in the way one would think. I am skeptical and cynical about the effectiveness of protests. I went to my first protest when I was 15 years old in 1985. It was a nuclear disarmament Peace March protest walking across the Burrard Street Bridge in Vancouver. That was effective and production of nuclear weapons was reduced. 

Its not good to hang around a protest too long in case the Police decide on mass arrests. The Police usually gives a 15 minute warning first for the crowd to disperse. I'd get out of there. 

The Police did make arrests at the Wet'su'weten protests. Arrests at protests usually follow some crude antisocial act like vandalism. 

I feel fear again. A deep fear but not anxiety. Maybe it's needing to eat. George Orwell said in Down and Out in Paris and London, "Food is its own anodyne." 

I fear getting older and getting old. I am over 50. I think of 50 as old. Will I ever be confident and happy and fearless ever again? 

2 Timothy 1:7 For God has not given us a spirit of fear but of power and love and of sound mind. 

There are intangible almost unobtainable dreams like me living in a rich place one day, getting married and getting a BMW. 

There attainable dreams like visiting Vancouver one day and one day the pandemic is over and I can visit the after Church coffee klatch again. These dreams are a lot more realistic. 

I'm scared that the pandemic will be forever. Bonnie Henry extended the vaccine passport another 5 whole months and she said in the fall the pandemic will resurge and there will be a renewing of restrictions. That's scary. Life for the foreseeable future will be bad. Or she might end the vaccine passport early. It was ended in England. All these ever growing protests will show that her pandemic restrictions don't have public support. Elections have a larger turnout for politicians that people want voted out than elections where people want a politician voted in. The next election might have a large turnout to vote Trudeau out as his pandemic stance and policies are very unpopular. These are scary times to live in. One group says if you don't get the vaccine you could die as a result. Another group says if you do get the vaccine you could die as a result. These are uncharted waters. Never has anyone gone through something like this. 

Reporter Mason Lee told a story of his reporting in a war torn country. Over the radio the government said, "Those not wearing their press passes will be shot." While the rebels put up notices which read, "Those wearing their press passes will be shot." These are the kind of times we're living in. Mason Lee somehow did survive to tell the story. 

Canada is like North Korea for the unvaccinated. If you're unvaccinated, you can't leave the country even to travel. 

Other than the pandemic restrictions, Trudeau did a good job. He legalized marijuana, but if you don't smoke it, so what? He let in refugees from a lot of war torn regions. He is trying to help decrease global warming. Even during the pandemic, he issued a lot of $2,000 a month CERB money to a lot of people. Pandemic relief. I myself got hundreds of dollars in pandemic relief money from the Trudeau government. 

On Friday night, I wrote a highly erroneous paragraph about making a deal with God that after I die, if I could go back in time and trade my life for my mother's life. I erased it because that is going to a dark place. I wrote that if I could get a sign that God knows I wrote that. Well on this day, Saturday, I clicked on a Twilight Zone episode, A Profile In Silver. It was about a time traveller going back in time to save President John F Kennedy but when he did, the timeline was fractured and things became much worse. All things are meant to be the way they were. 

Kate Bush, "I'll be running up that hill and make a deal with God." I don't know if anyone can make a deal with God. 

I spoke to my handicapped girlfriend about what I wrote. She said, "God would say 'No' to your deal because that's the way things were meant to be." 

Sunday, January 30

Thank God for the gift of life. To live is good. 

The fear comes from smoking marijuana. I had a teeny tiny toke two days ago, one toke, one toke over the line and it lead to the pit of my stomach feeling the fear for days afterwards. Fear and excitement cause the exact same feelings in the body. Increased heart rate, a feeling in the pit of the stomach, the slight cortisol rush, the feeling of being overwhelmed in the brain. The conscious self decides whether to identify these feelings with fear or excitement. 

The chance to hear the perfect version of The Second Arrangement, Steely Dan is worth living for. The perfect version, that's just more marketing words. Heaven's soundtrack piped over the loudspeakers would include this song. Never mind the perfect version. Even the demo version sounds heavenly. Some of the best songs of Gaucho were the songs left off of the album. 

There are at least about half a dozen versions of The Second Arrangement on YouTube. I'm baffled and overwhelmed. 

Note. Favour is the British and Canadian spelling. Favor is the American spelling. 

O = S objective = scientific

S = O subjective = opinion

My fictional imagination: The Great Reset is that the government is doing a massive time travel project. Going back in time to different points, some things of the past have been altered. That explains why me and millions of others have been feeling unprecedented anxiety, burnout and fear. The pandemic serves as a distraction from these temporal changes done in the past, aka The Mandela Effect, and also is a built in explanation of the sudden anxiety a lot of people are feeling. I am watching a movie YouTube recommended. It is called Dimension 5 from the 60s. The 60s look so vivid and alive in this 4K remastered HD movie. Hollywood is 100% real as the saying goes. Hollywood doesn't spend millions to make a movie just to peddle some imaginary bullshit. The movies are there to inform and to desensitize people about some scientific facts and realities. Time travel is time experienced on an objective level and not on a subjective level etc etc. 

I wrote that thesis and exegesis about time being an algorithm and I got nothing for it. I thought me writing that would get me to live in a rich mansion and to have a BMW M series. Except the BMW M series doesn't use regular or unleaded fuel. It uses high performance super unleaded fuel which is more expensive. 

I need either an any year 4 door BMW M325i red colour with standard transmission or else a 1982 model BMW 535 or any 500 series white, 4 door, standard transmission. 

Again, what I wrote is: that time travel is time experienced on an objective level, traditional time is time experienced on a subjective level and not the other way around. Einstein said that the passage of time is an illusion and that all things are happening simultaneously. Time is an algorithm that operates under two dynamics. The objective and the subjective. Whether time traveling or not, either is an algorithm within an algorithm. 

Expanded: Teleportation is space experienced on an objective level, etc same as with time. Teleportation is a type of time travel and time travel is a type of teleportation. Would teleportation cause a rift in the time space continuum? We already have teleportation of voice, telephone, and teleportation of image, television and that doesn't seem to cause any rift. That's maybe because the objective and subjective experiences of time and space are not two different algorithms but are extensions of one interconnected algorithm which is why one can make phone calls and even video calls without too much of a noticeable rift in the time space continuum. Quantum entanglement, quantum superposition, quantum physics. Phone calls are a type of quantum superposition. A voice is saying something here and the exact voice is saying something exactly the same somewhere else at the same time. 

I wrote that and the lousy human species either ignores me or else sends me a snarky comment on YouTube. That's what the lousy human species gives me in return for writing about the algorithm of time. Damn wretched human species. 

I also conflated the two movies, Reset and Paradox which talks about microwaves being used in time travel during the Philadelphia Experiment and Max Tegmark's cosmic microwave background, the frequency of which changes with every Planck time passing second. This microwave background frequency is used in time travel. That's just rudimentary knowledge and theory. The actual time machine is proprietary and is something only government technicians know about. I would love to see what I wrote about the algorithm of the objective vs the subjective experience of time written in a calculus equation as I am calculus illiterate. Maybe I'll see it one day. That would be something worth living for! I would need to be walked through it too. 

Well, the government has paid me. Over the last 27 years, I got over $250,000 in government subsidies but so did anyone who collected welfare over the last few decades except they didn't come up with what I wrote about the algorithm of time, and time travel. That's life. 

What at first seems like a liberating answer or solution soon proves to be yet another trap. Time travel and time experienced under a different dynamic as in the afterlife or spirit world isn't an escape, it's another trap. All of existence is a trap. Or else its a marvelous adventure. You decide. 

I don't need to purchase a rich place. I can just rent a room or a suite in a rich place. And I need a BMW. And I need to get married. If I never got married, it's entirely my fault because I am fickle and I have commitment issues. I need to get married but with no children. I don't want parental burnout. I don't want to be on the hook for child support. 

I envision a scary future. I'm not sure if I want to go through with it, living out the future. Would God spare me from that? 

I never got directly paid for my cartoons and my writings including artwork and writing of my dreams diary. That's the forces of life and the human species for me. I give something and get nothing in return. And you wonder why I fear the future. 

Sometimes I wonder if there really is a God. Perhaps it's just random forces and we're in this all alone, left to fend for ourselves. No God, or else no God that cares.  

"Time is a construct." Hannibal Burgess, Kevin Sable, TAG

We have 24 hours in a day. The ancient Chinese divided the day into 12 2 hour segments, the hour of the tiger, the hour of the rabbit, the hour of the dog etc based on the Chinese zodiac. 

In the West we are in the year 2022 which is based the number of years after Jesus' birth year. 

Before 0 AD, the system of regnal years was used to determine what year it was. Regnal years is a system that is still used in Japan. Using this system, Jesus was born in the 9th year of Tiberius reign or else 0 AD. 

In Thailand it is the year 2565 based on the number of years after Buddha's birth. 

In China it is the year 4720 based probably on the number of years after the founding of the Chin Dynasty. 

Some places have daylight savings time and some don't. 

"People say that time goes by. Time says that people go by." Vietnamese saying. 

Time is a construct. 

The Universe is about 12 billion years old. The Earth is about 4 billion years old. What happened a billion years or a trillion years ago, what was there? Since telephones and the teleportation of voice therefore time travel of voice shows us that the two dynamics of time, objective and subjective interactively exist simultaneously, the birth of the Universe is not dependant on a point of origin in terms of subjective time. The Universe is born and dies and is reborn again simultaneously. Ancient societies illustrated this with the symbol of the cosmic egg giving birth to itself or else a snake always consuming itself aka the ouroborous. In one sense, the subjective sense, there was a trillion years ago, in another sense, the objective sense, there wasn't. It is always the same time, the same Universe although with some variations. I don't know. You can only think so deeply about something like this before the brain explodes or implodes. Ylem is the substance that existed before the big bang. Maybe ylem is the remnants of the last dead Universe before this one, the one that existed before this Universe began. I don't know. I wasn't there. Except as stardust. The movie Altered States says some of the molecules in our body existed since the Universe began as stardust.  

One day in the far distant future, our Universe will itself become ylem-like material. Wash rinse, repeat. Whatever. I don't know. Again, I'm just spit balling. I'm not a University professor. Don't ask me. 

This isn't masters degree type of writing. This level of writing is pretty sophomoric. 

The first computer wasn't the ENIAC but the Difference Engine that Charles Babbage designed in 1840. 

Monday, January 31

Last entry of the month. 

I have an appointment to see an ENT doctor tomorrow. Hope it's nothing serious. I hope it all turns out well. I would need a biopsy. 

Thank God for the gift of life. To live is good. 

I got some olive oil for spaghetti. Olive oil is more authentic than canola oil for frying up some spaghetti sauce. My recipe. Simple. Fry some sliced garlic in oil. Add beef and or whatever. Sprinkle Italian spices* on it, basil, oregano. Add some sugar*. Then add tomato sauce and bay leaves*. Cook thoroughly. Pour on pasta or add pasta to it. Either or. 

This sauce works with all pasta. Spaghetti, macaroni, etc

*optional: Italian spices, sugar, bay leaves. Even beef is optional if you want a vegetarian style spaghetti sauce, vegetarian spaghetti sauce is called bolognese sauce. 

Go Fund Me raised $6.5 million for 50,000 truckers who participated in the Truckers Rally. That's $130 each. Not much for having traveled across Canada. That's if the money is distributed equally. Ha! I doubt it will be. These things never are. It's the dammed human species we're talking about. 

Whether or not it's distributed equally, either way you lose. Life is a raw deal. I'm glad I never had any children. Life is not worth living and life gets worse as time goes on. Overpopulation. Ultra expensive real estate. More and More nutty people, adult delinquents on the street. Life sucks.

Two of the ENT doctor in this town have nearly the same name. I went to one of these ENT doctors office to find out if this was the one I had the appointment with. ENT Doctor A has an office about half a block from where I live. The other ENT Doctor B has an office that is quite far away. I went to ENT Doctor A's office and the receptionists there were super friendly. However, Google reviews said the receptionist at this office was very rude. I didn't see that at all. Don't trust the Google reviews. 2 out of 8 reviews said this office has rude receptionist. The other reviews were glowing saying all good things. The ones who leave bad reviews are rude people themselves that give off bad vibes and when you see their other reviews of other places, they are also negative. 

I'm planning to stay at hotels, B&Bs, and hostels. I am scared of using WiFi because I've heard stories of hackers that specifically target the hospitality industry. One solution is to go offline. I can still play subway surfers and crown solitaire, the only games I mainly play. I also like League of Quiz, Bluzzers Quiz, can these be played offline? Can Akinator be played offline? Or get a VPN. I don't know much if anything about VPNs either. I can't use YouTube or go on blogger without being online. Solution: Go offline at all times in hotels, hostels etc. I won't be staying at hotels, hostels etc for quite awhile. Quite awhile. So this is just a tentative idea. 

Or else hotels don't care if you watch YouTube and even if you watch weird videos, you wouldn't be the first. They don't care about porn as that is normal too. Just don't use your tablet to enter credit card numbers or bank passwords etc, don't do anything at all of a financial nature. You can use a low money prepaid credit card. Use a $25 prepaid credit card to purchase $25 worth of things on amazon. Do it all in one sitting. That's safe enough to do. Better yet to avoid that if you can. Ask the hotel manager if the WiFi is safe and why it's safe or not safe. 

Tody I saw Journey's End and Jojo Rabbit on blu ray. 

Journey's End was about WW1. If you thought the pandemic was bad, this movie puts it all into perspective. The pandemic is a breeze compared to the trenches of WW1. Only those who fought in the trenches in Europe were in danger. If you were at home in Europe and in the States, you were all right except for the trauma of hearing about the deaths on the News on the radio. 

From Facebook. Flaskbak. World War 1 was a time of drug use. Crazy. 

JoJo Rabbit was about a German boy and his mother who hid a Jewish girl in their home during WW2. JJR is a comedy spoof with a bittersweet ending. A story of sacrifice. Again, WW2 was a hundred times worse than the pandemic we are living through.