December 2023

Friday, December 1, 2023

What a day. Started working on my cartoon that no one cares about. 

Then I went to the Church for a 10am appointment. Thing is, I went there at 10:30. I was late. Event over. I went to Shoppers to get some frozen dinners. 

On the way back to my apartment, I saw Heather in the hallway. She was visiting me. Had I decided to go to the beach, j wouldn't have seen her. Not much of a chance of that. It's too cold to go to the beach. 

Me and Heather went to the mall. I was upset with Heather. She always shows up dirty and smelly. After all the months I bent over backwards to help her, she still doesn't have her facial hairs removed and she never wears make up. She couldn't bother to make herself look presentable. She's retarded. Me and her are very different people. 

Im always working on improving myself. I do yoga, I make animated cartoons, I try to learn different languages, I'm into dancing and riding the kickscooter. 

Her? Whup! She's totally gormless. I really would like nothing more than if me and her were to slowly just drift apart. I hope to not know her anymore one day. She is the sole cause of my anxiety over the last two years. 

I saw a few ladies who I like in this town. Ladies who are together. 

I wonder why I hang around Heather. At this point it's a totally platonic friendship. I'm not interested in anything else with Heather. She's somewhat hebephrenic. 

I think of the kangaroo who was always friends with a wallaby. I'm the thin kangaroo and Heather is the fat wallaby. 

Heather is sweet and she is very mellow. But also retarded. I try to help her. Jesus spent time with people that other people in society generally didn't hang around with because he saw the goodness in their hearts. 

But she really doesn't take care of her appearance. Although, I should talk. I wear the same clothes day in day out. Heather doesn't do that. And she brushes her teeth every day and still has all her teeth whereas about half of my teeth are gone. 50% of teeth. That's a lot. 

A relationship is two people headed towards a common goal. That isn't there with me and Heather. 

Today I got a used unboxed funko pop at the Srar Wars store for $5. Good price. I don't want to get more as I'm on a budget. 

I asked the store clerk the name of the funko pop and I remember it. Sarkhan Vol, planeswalker from the Valley of Tarkir. Magic the Gathering. 

I thought it was a samurai. 

I tried searching samurai funko pop. Then I walked back to the store and asked the name of the funko pop. This funko pop doesn't stand up so I put some tape of the front of the feet as padding. Now it stands up. $5. It was selling on Amazon for about $87. Amphibian man funko pop. I got that one for $5. It sells on Amazon for $57. 

Sunday, November 3, 2023

I went to Church today. Then my friend at Church invited me to visit her at her float home. She's a really nice lady. We had fish and chips. 

It is important to reframe and to look at things through the lens of love rather than the lens of anger. 

I am glad that I helped Heather through the pandemic. I was her caregiver for 7 days a week. I don't regret a second of it because I do love her. 

Love is the most powerful force in the Universe. Love is the only thing that survives after death. 

"The love. You take it with you." Patrick Swayze, Ghost

The things you think are important and successful aren't the things the spirit world thinks is importsnt and successful. And vice versa. 

Me helping Heather was when the spirit world saw me as successful and it was important that I helped her although at the time it was strenuous and I had a nervous breakdown. When you work for anyone seven days a week for months as a caregiver, you'll eventually get exhaustion and a nervous breakdown known as burnout. 

Me getting rich and getting a nice new car is something the spirit world doesn't see as successful or as important as helping someone in need and being kind. 

It helps to pray every day so that one develops a relationship with God. Things said often being it a prayer or a depressing diatribe eventually forms grooves in the brain like a record. Saying prayers seems strange at first but if one keeps on saying it every day, eventually it develops a life of its own. Unfortunately the same is true with saying depressing things all the time. 

Don't listen to feelings. Feelings is a result of the physiology resulting from the strange physics of this dimension. 

"Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding." 

Always be thankful. If one isn't thankful for what they have, why would God want to give them more? 

"Seek first the kingdom of God and all things will be added to you."

"Seek your treasures not in the World but in heaven where dust and moths do not corrupt." 

Riches, money, houses, cars, are finite. To be a good person with a good spiritual qualities is that which survives death. 

I don't know if I'm all that spiritual. I try to be. 

Life is overwhelming. Existence, consciousness is overwhelming. And I fear the future. Other than that I'm doing all right. 

 

Miles Goodwyn, singer of April Wine died. May he be carried to heaven on the wings of eagles and angels. 

April Wine is one of the greatest musical groups in all of world history. 

I fear death and the afterlife. I wonder where all the people who died went to. Heaven? I don't know. This is what I fear. 

"We have your back." I don't know about that. I don't believe that anything human or otherworldly has my back. I am all alone left to fend for myself in this random universe.

Thats why faith is important. Faith says otherwise. 

Don't go on feelings. Go on faith. 

Hebrews 11: Faith is the evidence of things not seen and the substance of things hoped for. 

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you, said the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. 

There is something called confirmation bias. Aka self fulfilling prophecy. 

Conspiracy theorists will posit a theory and then look for things in life to validate that. It has been likened to building a table top first and then building the legs to support it rather than vice versa. 

For eg, The Russians did in Kennedy. That Kennedy didn't provide air cover at the Bay of Pigs and he then apparently went against the Russians during the Cuban missile crisis is supposedly evidence when the internet is full of conspiracy theory videos saying it was the CIA and Lyndon Johnson who was behind that. Who knows? Who cares? The point is erroneous conspiracy theories and faulty confirmation biases are insidious in Internet society. 

If one thinks their future is hopeless, they will look for "evidence" to support that theory. 

I have a great future, I have an awful future, either is equally delusional. The future has a mixture of good and bad like snakes and ladders. But it is more spiritually healthy and more psychologically easier to go through life thinking that the future is great however delusional that may or may not be. 

2 Corinthians 3:1 If I can speak with the most poetic words but have not love, my voice would be like the clanging of cymbals. Faith, hope, grace and love. The greatest of these is love. 

For Christians, the Christmas season begins with the first Sunday of Advent which is today. The four Sundays of Advent represent Faith, Hope, Grace and Love. 

Why would you ever be afraid since you are always in the presence of someone with such a loving heart? Who is this person? This person is you! 

Tonight I had GERD. It was a bad case. Pepto Bismol and home made congee didn't work. It usually does. It was that bad. At one point I thought I would have it forever. 

Then I cooked and are some rice. It worked. 

GERD comes from a part of the upper stomach that is temporarily pinched. This part usually prevents stomach acid from going back up into the esophagus. Caffeine, tobacco and alcohol helps to inhibit this part of the stomach which causes GERD. 

Rice neutralizes the acid and absorbs it and gives the stomach something pleasantly soft to work with. Rice works so well for alleviating GERD that I'm asking, "What kind of sorcery is this?" The relief I feel is immense. 

I was too overwhelmed today with life in general so I didn't work on my cartoon at all today. 

There's a few people on YouTube using the same name as me. That's normal and classic for YouTube. 

China once had regular events where everyone who shared the same name would attend that event which eventually got cancelled because too many fights broke out. 

The present isn't an aspect of the past or future. The past and future is an aspect of the present. The past and the future is the present morphed into different forms and circumstances. 

The past is about archaic now obsolete technology and the future is about the death of people I know and eventually the death of myself. The present is the only time that can be lived and experienced right now. 

Monday, November 4, 2023

Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged for the Lord is with you where ever you go. 

"Depression is my body needing to take a deep rest from putting on an act." Jim Carrey

Thursday, December 7, 2023

Yesterday, I went to the beach after going to Thrifty Foods. I got some vegetable juice with kale because kale has antioxidants etc 

Yesterday, I got a Golden Pass for the Hammers event and on Tuesday, I got a Winter Pass for the Winter festival on Hustle Castle. 

The Winter pass enables me to get some funky looking high powered samurai armour. 

The Golden Pass for the Hammers events allows me to get the Winter North Pole Santa Claus village background which I had to get since I am doing an animated cartoon set in a mystical and stylized version of the North Pole. 

Yesterday, I also got a one month membership on the Jake Tran YouTube channel. 

Some people on comments said that Jake Tran would be killed. These comments were written two years ago and he's still alive. Other commenters said that Jake Tran is protected and he wouldn't be killed. Jake Tran brings together already publicly available knowledge from here and there, gives it his own subjective Spiedel twist, confirmation bias, and the result is a pretty good and entertaining conspiracy theory video. 

Jake Tran said that the conflict in Israel is really a covert sublimated move to salvage Benjamin Netanyahu's political career. He was going to have to face bigger protests than ever before for his planned move to take over the Supreme Court which the growing Leftist segment of the population saw as a genuine last stsnd fro human rights. 

The conflict swept all that under the rug. Jake Tran said it was curious that it took the Israeli military 6 hours to respond in a land in which you could cross one end to the other in 45 minutes. 

I suspected as much. A red herring to district from the usual internal political factionalism and schisms within the political arena. 

Jake Tran made a video about climate change. 

This is his view, not mine. The takeaway in a nutshell is record setting year is based on meteorological observations and records made over the last 150 years. However over the past 800,000 years there were many spikes, peaks and valleys of about 20 degrees. Meanwhile there is panic about 3 to 8 degree temperature spikes. 

Just as in the stock market over the last few years, many dips seem alarming. But overall over the last 100 years, the stock market in general has been climbing and is at a higher Dow Jones average than ever before. 

Short term observations cause panic. Long term observations offer a more realistic reframing. Forest for the trees. 

Jake Tran said even 18 large container boats with their heavy fuel which is a different grade of fuel for shipping and the uh, gaseous methane emissions from household pets give off more carbon gas than all cars in the World. 

Jake Tran said that climate change is a scam for governments to get money from something that scientists admit that nothing could be done about it anyways. 

He also said that third world countries rely on coal for their industries. Climate change regulations from the first world would stifle the industrial output of third world countries leading them to rely on loans from the WMF World Monetary Fund etc. 

Jake Tran believes that climate change is real but is not along the lines of a protracted alarmist government and activist narrative. 

I don't know. It's better to use electric cars than gasoline cars if one isn't going a very fast distance. Lots of cities have carbon monoxide, black smoke from cars and people wearing covid style masks on the face for decades already. The government is right. It's better to reduce gasoline based cars. 

Climate change also has carbon tax rebates. Taxes lead to tax rebates. Carbon taxes lead to carbon tax rebates so if a person earns under $50,000 a year and that's about 80% of the population, they get a nice boon in the forms of a carbon tax rebate. 

In the movie Drugstore Cowboy, William S Burroughs said that drugs illegality serves as a pretext to set up an international Police apparatus.

Climate change is a pretense to set up an international industrial output quota regulations apparatus. The WHO is in New York. It might be called the AWHO, the American World Health Organization which serves as a vector for American imperialism and American style hegemony. In any event, the usual artificial scarcity and price fixing and profiteering. 

A hegemony that benefits Americans, a crooked table. Canada and the US share a hockey league yet 100% of the Stanley Cup is won by American teams. You see happens to those who work with the US. Well, what happens is you make more money. An average NHL player and NHL teams gets more money now prorated to what they got in the old days. 

It's an ill wind that blows nobody any good. 

In the 80s, the 'science' was that PFCs or polyflorocarbons eat a hole in the ozone layer which insulates us which would lead to an ice age by the year 2000. The problem was non enough insulation. 

Today, the 'science' is carbon gases are greenhouse gases further insulating the earth leading to global warming. The problem now is too much insulation. 

Talk about always moving the goalposts. 

Jake Tran also said something very interesting. He said that when a civilization all of a sudden gets obsessed with gender and sexuality, that's a sign that the civilization will decline. It happened with other civilizations in the past. 

Could be. I'm not sure. There is a collective as well as an individual Maslow's pyramid of needs. 

When a civilization is at the top and becomes self actualized and over rated, there is nothing else to strive for. Patronizing and complacency set in as well as a kind of torpor and the delving into of frivolous pursuits. 

When a civilization is not at the top and under rated, it still has striving in certain aspects that make up a civilization be it infrastructure, technological development, political reforms, etc it still strives to be self actualized like the civilization that is currently at the top. 

In the 1950s, 1.7% of people under 20 said that they were LGBT. 

In the 1980s and the 1990s, the statistic was that 10% of people were gay. 

In the 2020s, 20% of people under 20 said that they were LGBT! Wtf! 

You know what this means. It means that 2 out of 3 are lying. Which 2?

Things have gone from saying the Lord's Prayer in schools. Then saying the Lord's Prayer was banned because it was seen as proselytizing and not everyone in schools is Christian. Some are Jewish, Muslim, Sikhs etc. 

The now there is no Lord's Prayer in schools but there is SOGI which is another form of proselytizing and not everyone in school is LGBT. Most are hard core heterosexuals. 

Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. Men wants the pussy and women wants the penis. 

Today, I got some gold seal Afghani hash on sale and also Acapulco gold cannabis at $9 a gram. This is old school premium and the bud was very dense. If one can hold and bud and squeeze it together with their finger, it's not that good. The really good bud is the dense kind that one can't squeeze their fingers together at all. 

There is a cannabis shop in Sidney BC which had Moroccan keif but sold out. 

They now have organic hash which looks a lot like Moroccan blonde hash or else kief and its sold in eights which is a good amount. Moroccan blonde hash is tasty. It has a husky smoky chocolate flavour with honey and cinnamon and garlic notes. It doesn't have as high THC as other hashes but makes up for it in terms of a saturated noxious sweet smoke. 

Sidney BC also has moon rocks which is loose bud leaf rolled in some kind of smoke able oil and some kief powder into small balls looking like rolled up grass. That looks intriguing. 

With cannabis being legalized, there is so much choice that there is a connoisseurs selection. 

Who knows how long what is available. Things often go in and out and back in of stock all the time. Moroccan blonde hash is temporarily unavailable. 

Today I purchased the DVD of the movie Traffic. It won the Oscar for Best Picture. Steven Soderbergh directed it. 

It's a fictional story of Michael Douglas as the head of the DEA aka the drug Czar because he knows where the drugs are.

In the movie, his daughter is a junkie. 

The movie made and set in 1996 mentioned that medicinal cannabis dispensaries would then soon be opening in some States in the US. 

Cannabis dispensaries first opened up ironically when right Wing political leaders were in power such as Steven Harper and also George W Bush. The momentum of the years of them being open bizarrely under Right Wing governments has led to cannabis being legalized nationwide in a way it otherwise would not be. 

At the time the movie was newly released in theatres, the US had an actual drug czar named Barry McCaffrey who in all likelihood doesn't have a daughter who's a junkie. 

Friday, December 8, 2023

Today I got myself some retail therapy and I went on the bus to a mall and got a Roots t shirt for $39 and 2 hard shell tacos at taco bell for $7.

Then I took the bus back downtown and got myself a cats claw and coca leaf tea bag mixture, a package of 15 bags for $7. And I got a Jarritos Mexican soft drink, watermelon flavor. N

The I went to the Star Wars store and got the funko pops of Arya Stark $15 and Theon Greyjoy aka Reek for $10.

I don't have to post a picture of every funko pop I got, do I? 

Theon Greyjoy aka Reek, funko pop. 

Arya Stark, funko pop. "Winter is coming."

Today, working more on my cartoons. 

Actually I went to the mall this morning to look for a Queen Elizabeth funko pop, there are a few versions. And the funko pop of Deadpool. Not available. It might be available in Vancouver as big cities have a better selection.  New York for sure would have a few of each. 

James Jani on YouTube is in the same genre as Jake Tran. James Jani has good videos about the Dark Side of Megachurches etc.*

John Frazer on the channel Magnates Media, ditto.*

*Source: Jake Tran: The Dark Side of Being a YouTube Creator. 4told. YouTube

Saturday, December 9, 2023

Ive had the slightest pinch in my upper and outer side of my left nostril. It registers on the pain scale of .001 out of ten. It's slight but it's there. A pimple, ingrown hair. 

I get health anxiety at the drop of a pin. Anything that's there for more than an hour I think will be there forever and often, it's gone in ten minutes and sometimes in a few months but it's gone. 

Remember the words Joel Osteen taught. 

By His stripes I am healed. 

The number of my days God will fulfill. 

With long life He will satisfy. 

Otherwise health anxiety paints a picture of the entire nose turning purple with rotted flesh and rhinoplasty would be the only way. 

The other health anxiety I had of the cyst jn my lower body going elephantiasis was unfounded. The cyst of  three weeks ago is completely gone now. Completely. 

I used tweezers to pull out any hairs in the area. I applied fucidin Leo antibiotic cream and I also swabbed some rubbing alcohol as an astringent in that area. Attack the problem on multiple fronts. 

Also try to trace the activity if any that causes issue. Doctor it hurts whenever I do that. Then stop doing that. 

I often rub my nose in a normal incidental gesture. Maybe cut down on the nose rubbing. Blowing the nose with the tissue and squeezing too hard could be a possibility. 

I hope God helps my problem but there are people in Gaza who are going through the most horrific life changing injuries so my problem wouldn't be high on the triage list. 

Eckhart Tolle once said, "Is it happening right now? What you're worried about. Never mind that it could happen next month, next week, or even a few minutes from now. But is it happening right now? Then why worry about it. It might never happen and often, things worried about never happens."

Yeah, it's the things that you don't worry about and don't foresee. That's when life throws you a curveball as it's known for doing. 

My health anxiety. 

Sometimes my health anxiety gets duckface when I have some pain in my spine known as temporary kyphosis and thats when I do a duckface move as walking and with my arms laterally and completely horizontal, flap the arms up and down like a duck flapping it's wings in a pumping motion. This brings oxygen to the areas between the discs of the spine bringing relief. It works. 

I've had health anxiety a few times over the last three years enough to get me to go to a walk in clinic to discuss my worries with a doctor. 

My cartoon only has about seven scenes or less. But they're pivotal in revealing the final story. 

I was thinking of doing a steampunk cartoon. The plot would be a guy robs a bank and escapes in a getaway car. The bank teller calls the police department and the police arrive and chase  the bank robber and eventually shoot and the bank robber dies in a glorious blaze of steampunk glory. 

This sounds like an unmemorable  and generic story possible. It's not the story. It's about the world building. I would attempt to be more steampunk than steampunk but that is incredibly difficult. 

The movie Steamboy is very steampunk. 

A steampunk Police lady would be wearing leather vest, steampunk cap and glasses, lace puffy upper arm sleeves, straps connected to boots mid femur high. Boots with all kinds of pockets and belt straps, very steampunk, very Paco Rabanne. Long Police gloves. 

A steam punk Police man would wear a leather shortened trench cost. Steampunk cap and glasses. Leather Police gloves that extend nearly to the elbow denoting the Long Arm of the Law. 

The architecture, costumes and vehicles would be all very steampunk. The cartoon shouldn't be more than 30 seconds. That's what I intend the length to be because my tablet has limited memory. 

It would be nice if my tablet had enough memory for me to do a cartoon as long as a feature length Hollywood movie, but too bad, it doesn't. 

I'm on a budget. 

I'm worried about that slight itchy feeling in my left nostril. I first noticed it yesterday. 

Some people are psychics of a certain kind. They are medical intuitives. They can just look at a person and can tell if they have a certain disease or not. 

In the movie Never Cry Wolf, the Inuit talked about how wolves hunt down the sick and the weak and thus keep the herd strong. The wolves kill the sick cariboo before they can possibly spread disease. A few years ago, it was discovered that dogs can smell cancer tumors. 

The wolves can smell the tumors of the cariboo and hunt them down. 

A person who is a medical intuitive and also a wolf or a dog never get health anxiety because they can know for sure if they have some weird disease. 

Is a bear somewhat related to a wolf? A wolf is canis lupus and a bear is canis ursus. The word canis. Bears could probably smell cancer tumors if they were trained but they would also then have the instinct to kill and eat whatever has the tumor be it an animal or a human. 

Females can see more colours than males and possibly females have more sensitive scent detection as well. Female wolves and female bears can best smell the tumors. 

Not being either a medical intuitive or a wolf or even a trained doctor, I am forever confined within the prison of my delusional mind when it comes to health anxiety. Basically anything, even the slightest irritation, if it's there for more than an hour has the potential go elephantiasis. Result: death all 'round. 

Last night, I drank some coca leaf tea with cats claw. Cats claw or Una de gato is a plant that grows in South America. It's branches have long curved thorns that look like cats claws. It has properties that help with digestion, inflammation, has anti oxidant qualities. 

The tea had invigorating qualities. 

Coca leaf tea has enough stimulant qualities. Cocaine is overkill. Two grams of Cocaine is the lethal limit. Anyways coca leaf tea is enough. Add some baking powder to slightly enhance. But I don't want to add baking powder with anything with cats claw in it. 

I'm surprised I'm able to get this and that's its more or less legal. 

Wow! Today I walked past where Suzie sometimes works and she was there today! I saw her through the window, felt awkward because I didn't see her for so long so I walked away at first. Then a few minutes later I walked back and went to see her. Her friend Carol was there too. It was a great meeting. I love seeing Suzie. She is a great lady. 

Oh Suzie! 

My drawing of a Christmas tree that is in my Christmas cartoon. 

Then I went to get some noodle soup at a restaurant. 

This evening. The usual generic anxiousness but not anxiety. A feeling of excitement but for what? I don't know. 

A very complicated pattern can appear to be random. God has a plan for my life. I can picture a thousand possible futures but only God can determine my future. Let go and let God. Jesus take the wheel. 

I have to learn to not worry and to go on autopilot like Luke Skywalker let go just as he was about to fire the proton torpedoes into the main ventilator shaft on the death star. 

Pastor Joel taught to not say weak prayers such as, "God, if you can, I hope that you could get around to helping me." pray bold prayers such as, "Thank you God that you are still working in my life. That I have not seen or imagined the good future you have for me because I walk upright and steady with God's teaching. Thank you that your plans for me are for prosperity and for good." 

When one prays, act as if the prayer has already happened. Not, God I hope you would do it. Rather thank you God that you are doing that and if not it is because your plan for me is something better. 

Joyce Meyer taught that if you don't forgive others, God won't help you when you pray. 

I picture a room that would contain everyone in my life whom I have ever had a grudge against. And I picture that room is always empty. There is no one in that room! 

To anyone who upset me in the past, you are forgiven. Most incidents I forgot about them already. It was a different time. 

Sunday, December 10, 2023

Today I went to Church. 

It was good times. 

Then I saw Suzie again too! I talked with her for awhile. I was even able to get her telephone number. 

I don't know how often to call. I actually have a major case of telephone phobia. Lots of people have that. I have telephone anxiety that if I call someone I may be bothering them or that calling someone is a crazy thing to do. 

My telephone anxiety comes from Dawson Creek when the RCMP called me kn my cell phone there a few times. Then on the one and only time I ever did ecstacy, it was a one off, I was "rolling" and thought I was dying in an extreme case of health anxiety. I called 911. 

Anyways memories of that day or associating phone calls with "rolling" or associating "rolling" with phone calls can bring about a lifelong case of phone anxiety. 

I promised a few people I'd call them and never did due to my phone anxiety. 

I hope that God can help me with this, indeed I am thanking God in advance that he is helping me to get over my telephone phobia and telephone anxiety. 

There are lots of YouTube videos about this topic as telephone anxiety is a thing. 

I also don't go out at night. Night time is dark and often cold too. Not much is open at night. I don't go to nightclubs because I don't drink alcohol also there is a fear of crowded places. Agoraphobia. And fear of spending money. Nightclubs are expensive. 

I have so many fears that I wonder how I lasted as long as I did. I often feel that I don't fit in this World. I am going to live as long as God decides that I do. My lifetime is under the authority of God. That I am alive is because God has a plan for me. 

I would never do any action that disregards the authority of God. 

Why fit in when you were born to stand out? 

My drawings. Why worry about fitting in? Some people just go and do things their own way. 

If you live in a small town, there's a large chance that you would meet the mayor and a good chance the Police might call you on the phone. A lot of people like that. They feel safer that the Police know them personally enough to call them in the telephone. 

In a big city, chances are slim that you'd ever meet the mayor and also slim that the Police would call you on the phone. 

Small towns don't have a lot of people. There's not a lot for the Police to do. Any new person who shows up becomes a center shot. Whereas in a big city, safety in numbers, a person can almost just disappear. 

Tuesday, December 12, 2023

Yesterday, I went shopping. 

Tuesdays are difficult. Tuesday is Sue's day. 

Luke Skywalker asked Han Solo what he thought of Princess Leia. 

"So, what do you think of her?" 

"I'm trying not to!" 

I'm trying not to think of Susie so much. 

Projection can be positive as well as negative. If you have an infatuation, obsession with someone whom you like, you're seeing something good in them that reminds you of something good you have in yourself, otherwise it wouldn't resonate. This infatuation may or not be based in truth. Never let truth get in the way of facts. 

If I can feel this way about one person I can feel this way about another person. 

Everyone seems normal, even exemplary until you know them. That's when their foibles etc emerge. It's easy to place someone one a pedestal that you don't know very well. 

"If you can walk with crowds and keep your virtue

And walk with Kings and not lose the common touch

If all men count with you 

But none too much" 

Rudyard Kipling, If

In other words respect all but never get too hung up on anyone in particular. 

It would seem that Israel was caught between a rock and a hard place, between Scylla and Charybdis. 

If there hadn't been the October 7 incident, then Netanyahu would've abolished the Supreme Court technically bringing Israel one step closer to being a dictatorship. 

So it is either war profiteering, I mean a military conflict or a dictatorship. I'll see you a dictatorship and raise you a military conflict. 

Heads you win, tails I lose. 

I've seen some comments on YouTube that can't be unseen. 

Netanyahu, Satanyahu, Shaitanyahu, Satan yahoo. 

Netanyahu himself was caught between a rock and a hard place. Face massive protests because of his judicial reforms or else face criticism for security and intelligence breaches that resulted in the Oct 7 incident either being a challenge to a political career. 

Now Gaza is being pummeled on all sides resulting in yet another nukbah*. What were the chances of that?

*Arabic word for massacre. 

A variation of the Abbott and Costello Who's On First:

"What is real?" 

"Israel."

"I'm asking what is real."

"Israel."

"I know that's what I said but I'm really asking what is real?" 

Churches, Catholic, Presbyterian, Anglican etc or else the ecumenical brigade say that what is happening in Gaza is genocide. Israel is supposedly a very spiritual land. Genocide is the apex of spirituality. 

I got that from a comment on a YouTube video about Anne Heche. 

"Anne Heche was very spiritual."

"Cocaine and fentanyl is the apex of spirituality."

I often underestimate God's presence in my life. 

God is referred to as Him but is God a Him in the sense that a human man is a him? In the sense of needing to urinate, needing to impregnate women and having to empty the bags every once in awhile? Does God need to do that? 

To refer to God as It is irreverent. So it's either a choice between irreverence or inaccuracy and choosing to go with inaccuracy. 

Religion nomenclature is what it is. 

There is a disturbing story on the News that on Vancouver Island, a young guy killed his grandparents. Before going to kill them, he said to someone, "I'm going for a smoke."

Yeah, and then he smoked his grandparents! 

Well, that's one way to put it. 

Wednesday, December 13, 2023

These last few days a few of my electronics went kaput. Two remote controls, batteries drained. Then today my stand up fan didn't work any more. 

I went to London Drugs to get a new fan. 

Electronics going out is a death omen. Someone who I once knew well or a celevrity I've known of for decades have died. But then people are dying all the time and electronics konk out all the time anyways. People dying and electronics breaking down are mutually exclusive phenomenon. Superstition, cognitive bias, causation vs correlation are all things that are at play in the mind in this case. 

I think I'm going insane is a misleading statement. The implies there was ever a time that I was sane to offset this current experience with. The thing is, there hasn't ever been a time when I was sane. I think I've always been crazy. 

My wish to be a 100% sane and 100% perfect Christian has failed. To be a 100% perfect Christian and a Jedi Knight and Indiana Jones, and Tron the future warrior. 

Crazy and insane means loss of control of the mind. Signs that imply this are anxiety, confusion, feeling overwhelmed etc. Much of my life has been like this. 

I fear the future. 

Lately I've been seeing quite a few Chinese people. When I went to the beach yesterday, and today at London Drugs too. I think they are agents. I'm really not all that Chinese. I never speak the language. 

I saw Heather today on the streets. We went to London Drugs together. I went and bought a stand up fan which is regularly $55 but for a short time is on sale for $30. That's a $25 savings! 

I need a fan for air circulation and for white noise as well. 

Truth is stranger than fiction so I might as well tell the entire story. When I was at London Drugs, the Chinese guy who looked old, slightly fat with all kinds of moles and spots on his face said entirely in Cantonese, "These drunks that always walk in here. These white people, whities. And they don't have drivers licences nor drive cars. These people." 

The guy seemed to be a corrupt old publican, very right Wing. That's a judgement. 

I wondered if he is a Chinese agent. Maybe he is an organ harvester and wants to harvest my liver. But I'm over 50, my liver is saturated with tobacco, and drug use from decades of cavalier and dissolute hedonistic living. My liver might not be the worst liver but would it also be the best liver? I doubt it. 

That old Chinese guy is probably good at heart and wants to see a better society comprised with less drunks and more people who drives cars, but would that exactly be utopia? 

God, thank you for helping me with my life. There are so many variables. So many cultures and languages. Why can't the world just have one culture and one language? 

So many variables. People who can't see eye to eye. People who never smoked pot or dropped acid and never went to an English speaking school, just to whatever oonga boonga land school. 

And if that person has such a derogatory view of the locals why doesn't he leave and go back to where ever? 

I'm very afraid of the future. 

One either believes in God or they do not. There is no grey area. 

One often underestimates or is desensitized to God's presence. The same force that can generate a sign is the same force that generates no signs to offset one another. 

I have to remember scriptures like Romans 3:8 Nothing can separate us from the love of God. 

Trust in God and lean not on your own understanding. 

I wonder how God can take care of me and my future in a world with so many variables including corpulent old Right Wing fundamentalist publicans. 

Thank you God for the gift of life. Thank you God for helping me with my life. 

Thank you God for guiding my steps. Thank you God for helping me find a way where I don't see a way. 

I alike to be as transparent as possible. I've been drinking coca leaf tea with cats claw. Cats claw is a real catalyst no pun intended otherwise it wouldn't have been added arbitrarily. 

Two days later I still feel what Freud referred to as cocaine psychosis. Perhaps that's just a placebo effect. One either overestimates or underestimates most things in life if not all things. 

It isn't that powerful. A friend once said 20 years ago, "It's like smoking a cigarette and ten years later saying that you're still high from it."

I'm drinking coca leaf tea and that helps with creativity but it can also bring a crash. 

At the risk of sounding completely bonkers, on a YouTube video, Chinazo Cunningham from the Albert Einstein college of Medicine said, 

"Cannabis has benefits in some areas and is harmful in other areas. It affects different people in different ways. It's not black and white. It's a grey area."

Indeed cannabis is good for relaxation but the detriments are that it creates paranoia and amotivational syndrome and smoking isn't exactly good for the lungs. 

Coca leaf tea is the same way. It fosters energy and enhances creativity but also brings about irritability, confusion, depression, anxiety etc. 

Drinking coca leaf tea is a vector of substance abuse but so are other vices such as alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine etc. 

Thursday, December 14, 2023

Still powering through with doing my Christmas cartoons. A few more scenes. "Christmas when I was young." Outdoor towering silhouetted Christmas trees in the forest, Christmas tree which is credits scenes and then train and post credit surprise twist ending scene. 

Tracy Morgan Astronaut Jones. Director Tracy Morgan. Producer Tracy Morgan. Concept Tracy Morgan. 

My cartoon. Director Dean Noble. Art and animation Dean Noble. Story Dean Noble. Narration Dean Noble. 

I'm drinking coca leaf tea, smoking tobacco, smoking weed, and smoking hash. That's the four stations of the cross. 

The Christmas shelves are filled with toys! 

Your mother's v***** is filled with my sperm! 

"The median between the mind and the body must be the heart." Fritz Lang, Metropolis

The median between my mind and your mother's v***** must be my c***. 

Friday, December 15, 2023 

The News said that Mayor Ken Sims of Vancouver wants to scrap the Park Board. 

This is Vancouver's answer to Netanyahu wanting to scrap the Supreme Court. 

Mayor Sims said that the current system is too much red tape with everything having to be done in duplicate, ie a concert to be held in a park has to go through City Hall and the Park Board. This is due process and division of labour so its a good thing. 

Essentially Ken Sim would be also head of the Park Board as well as Mayor. 

This process of centralization vs decentralization, wouldn't it bring Vancouver one step closer to being a dictatorship? What's going to be scrapped next? Would this be an attempt for Ken Sims to cement his job as the Mayor of Vancouver for the next ten or more years? Then I don't have to hurry to visit Vancouver because being Chinese, it would be nice to visit Vancouver in an era where a Chinese Mayor is presiding over the city. 

Well, don't ever lose that imagination! 

Otherwise, Mayor is a two year term and I've never seen a Mayor run for more than two terms. 

Vancouver Mayor is low on the National political totem. There are higher and more prestigious political postings such as Premier of BC. 

As the old saying goes, nothing in politics is as good or as bad as it first appears. My worries about a Vancouver Mayoral dictatorship is unfounded. 

Ken Sim is a good Mayor. One of the best that Vancouver has ever had. 

Ken Sim. Alastair Sim Scrooge. I never made that connection! 

Saturday, December 16, 2023

YouTube. 'This Magical Puzzle Will Make Your Brain Hurt' . 

5 pieces of thin plastic cut into certain shapes fit into a rectangular frame. 

The frame is removed. One small plastic square shaped piece is added then the pieces are rearranged and they still fit into the rectangle! 

Then the frame is removed again and a large rectangular shaped piece is added. The shapes are rearranged and they all fir into the original frame again!! 

What kind of strange integral area calculus is this?

Sunday, December 17, 2023

I went to the Presbyterian Church this morning. Good times. 

I completed my cartoon X-Mas Elf this morning. My tablet was on low power, 20% down to 1% then it snapped off. I had to wait half an hour for it to recharge. Otherwise the cartoon would've been finished one hour earlier. 

Today on the streets a group of young teenage guys noticed my dancing and they said I was sick. Sick is a supreme compliment. A couple of fistbump. It's a good town. 

Why wait. I am going to start my next cartoon, Steampunk Police. 

Very short storyline. Here goes. Some people don't mind reading the novel before seeing the movie. 

Setting: A future where Victorian innovation and technological progress had faced an arrested development. Its a hybrid world with Victorian trappings but also a lot of cyber stuff like the internet and crypto coins. But since it's steampunk, it's actual metallic coins referred to as crypto coins. 

A bank robber goes into a bank and stands in front of the teller twirling a steampunk style gun on one hand. 

"Give me the money!" 

First responders arrive, specifically the steampunk Police. He approaches the teller and angrily says, "What were you doing? Cryptomining? Why didn't you call sooner? Or else press the panic button?" 

Police Officer calls the Police Chief. "Chief, we have a code 17 in progress."

The chief says, "We'll get on it!" 

On the streets a very steampunk looking car had a steampunk Police car chasing it. The bank robber sticks his head out the window to make a gesture at the Police. The Police fires a cannon, exploding the bank robber's car. Story over. 

Anxiety? It's just my sympathetic nervous system catalyzing with the physics of this dimension. It's an ongoing pervasive existential quandary. 

'While Shepherds Watched Their Flack By Night is an excellent Christmas song. So profound. 

A local political Party told one of the politicians in their Party to stop referring to himself as an engineer. 

I referred to myself as a director in my cartoons. A director directs other people and in a process of directing which often means not just accepting the first or second take. 

I direct no one. Myself doesn't count. I have asked people to say things that I can add to my cartoons. But I always accepted the first take. There were rarely any second takes unless a noticeable mistake was made. 

I'm not a director. Artist and animator and story creator perhaps. Director? What. On the level of Steven Spielberg. Uh, no. 

Then as I was thinking this, it's as if the television read my mind because I saw an ad about Visit the Fraser Valley. A lady was holding a clacker. Movie clacker. Scene 1 Take 1 Action! Clack! That clacker. 

I am most likely a director after all. I direct the fine timing and choreography of the characters, animals  and vehicles I animate. 

In the movie The Fabelman's, Paul Dano said that movies go at 24 frames a second but the eye sees motion at 16 frames a second. That's called persistence of vision. 

My cartoons are done at 12 frames a second and using one layer. At one time I did a cartoon using 18 frames a second using 3 layers of 'onionskin'. That takes way to much memory. At 12 frames, I think I still got the persistence of vision going. It doesn't seem choppy. 

Professional Hollywood animation like Spiderman Spider verse animates at a whopping 60 frames a second! That's cocaine levels! 

I'm planning a short trip out of town today. 

Whenever I do a cartoon I should celebrate. I was thinking of going to a nice restaurant today. Pricey but only $15 pricier than the Chinese restaurant I was otherwise going to go to. 

But at the Chinese restaurant, I would have ordered fried rice. Rice is good for the body. Very important. "Scoop some rice." I cooked some rice yesterday and made a fried rice. One is only supposed to add a little water to the fried rice so the pan sizzles. I added too much water and had a water home made fried rice which tasted not that great. I also added too much sugar. One adds a little sugar with the fried legumes, garlic, ginger, onion, to enhance the flavor. Not too much sugar though which can make it taste flat. 

In a World without YouTube, I wouldn't be so depressed if my life was going nowhere. But after doing cartoons and posting them to YouTube, it doesn't seem to make a difference. My life stays the same. 

Whether or not my life goes anywhere, I will still go on thanking God for the blessings in my life knowing that not one thing happens that is not under God's authority. I don't go on man's authority alone. I go on God's authority. God has the power to arrange coincidences and that is the most powerful power of all. These coincidences are often referred to as The Hand of God. 

In West Van, some thieves broke in and stole things and heirlooms from a house. What a bunch of sleazy individuals. 

Kahlil Gibran once wrote, "It is the honour of a victim of a theft that he was not the thief." 

God has the final say. 

Even if the thieves don't account for it in this life, for sure in the afterlife. 

I myself wonder how I'll do in the afterlife. 

"What you do to the least of them, you do to me." God 

I've made mistakes in my life and haven't lived the perfect life. I feel baffled that I'm still alive and not died years ago to pay for whatever mistakes if any. 

The Police might know who broke in to the house in West Vancouver. 

Someone did something. Find out who did it. How long have the Police been playing that game? For hundreds of years and doing it in the days before technology. In the Middle East where people have wraps covering their fsces, the Police there are still able to solve crimes. They have methods and techniques that the public doesn't know about. Forensic and Police sciences. 

When you add up all the Police Officers and detectives, that's thousands of years of man hours and woman hours worth of experience. 

Steampunk = artful rabbit hole. 

The design iterations for steampunk are limitless. The idea is to try to be more steampunk than steampunk but that's impossible! 

Drinking coca leaf tea really helps a person get into the steampunk spirit. 

Steampunk is just so much Chrome, brass, aluminum, leather and instead of wearing one belt buckle why not wear 20 belt buckles here and there? And one pocket watch isn't enough. You need to wear at least 5 pocketwatches simultaneously. 

My hotel is closing in two years. There was a hotel meeting and management let us know rather than just sending a letter. But management has our back as they have arranged a property coordinator to help us find new places. I couldn't live in a tent. I'd be gone in less than two months. 

God will help me. Matthew 5, Jesus says, "Consider the lilies..."

God will take care of me. Actually I voiced these worries and all the managers said, "No worries." They have our back. 

Otherwise I'll have to talk to some people at Church. This could mean getting rid of my stuff but I have to save money to rent a van or else ask someone at Church to drive me and some things to the new place and I'll make a $100 donation to the Church if not pay the person directly. 

God will help me. I trust in God. I acknowledge, remember and recognize God at all times now even if I don't see him directly. I'm regretting I wasn't more like this earlier in my life. 

Tonight? Me? Nervous. Although I feel better, more rested after doing yoga. 

Nervous at all times. 

My next cartoon will be the third in a triptych of cartoons and the third one is always special. 

I feel nervous about doing it. I have an extravagant vision for the cartoon and it will take all my skill to do it. I have the story and a twilight zone twist ending in mind. 

If I do it, people will think I'm crazy, or possessed or on drugs. 

I might be on some drugs, but that's beside the point. 

People already think I'm crazy enough for the other cartoons I did. Over the top! 

My aim is to be 100% sane and to be a perfect Christian. 

I need signs or encoursgement that I should do the cartoon. 

I had a dream where I was about to leave a 50s style diner. White small tile floors. Then a man wearing a long black trench coat blocked my path and I knew he was an undercover cop. He complimented me. He said, "You are very artful in your creations."

The Police think I am talented at illustration! 

I have to work up the nerve to do it. Steampunk already comes preloaded with several design ideas for clothing, buildings, vehicles etc. 

Sgeamboy is the best steampunk cartoon ever made. 

Still trying to work up the nerve to do it. 

I always feel nervous because I have a Type A personality. 

I went to Sidney BC today. The trip was just rockin'! I danced sitting in the seat in the bus all the way there. My dance moves. I just felt energized. Perhaps crazy. 

At Sidney, I went to get an eighth of Moroccan blonde hash at the cannabis store. 

Then I went to the Sidney Centre for the Salish Sea. Some very beautiful young ladies are working there. Hot. Whew. 

Then I went to the Chinese restaurant. 

I then went to a toy store and got a kaleidoscope. 

My whole life feels edgy and wrong. I don't know how I'm going to find the strength to live the rest of my life. 

Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. 

I worry about the week ahead. 

I am to see Suzie sometime this week. I feel worried that I might say something wrong. 

And then I am going to visit a medical place for a regular check up. A lady works there who has blonde hair. 

I found a blonde wig. I am thinking of wearing it the next time I see her. Not on the streets on the way there but once I get into the building. The best way to handle something like that is for me to say to her, 

"It looks like I underestimated the influence you had on me. I just looked in the mirror and I think that we might be related." 

Then I'll take off the wig a couple of minutes later. 

Just for laughs. 

I wore the wig and it looks like a big long hair Peruvian Guinea pig on top of my head. 

The German guy in the movie Kingdom of Heaven had long blonde hair which was braided. In a lot of places men have long hair and braid it too. They would be into the Viking genre just as other people are into the steampunk genre. Long hair and a braid is something men and women wear in some parts of the world. So it's heteronormative. 

I'll just wind up looking like someone from a Wagner opera. 

So I wonder why I am feeling nervous this week. 

I suppose I'll see Heather some time this week. 

If I had an anxiety disorder it was because of Heather and I'm still getting over it. 

I bent over backwards to help her for years. I always called her beautiful several times a day. Did it ever make any difference? 

Even now she always approaches me with hair on her upper lip and no make up. She missed going to the hair salon for two months now. 

I have standards. I have ideals. I have dreams. Every day I was helping her, every day she was killing my dreams through always never wearing make up or taking care of her basic grooming. 

It finally occurred to me that she is a bit of a shit. I was so thoughtful towards her. In return, she was so thoughtless towards me. 

I would say, "You didn't wear make up today." And she would just laugh like it was some big joke. 

She wants a free ride. She wants to be called beautiful but without doing any work on her reasonable basic grooming. 

I'm not dealing with someone normal. I'm dealing with someone bonkers, a delinquent. 

I don't care if I don't see her ever again. 

Jesus said Do not cast your pearls before swine. 

Heather is a blithering retard. She ran our friendship to the ground just like she runs herself to the ground. Smoking a carton every three days? A carton would last me two months. At least. I don't smoke much. 

Donnie Yen said in the movie Big Brother that every cigarette cuts down 14 minutes from a person's life. 

What's a carton every three days doing? Bonkers! 

Tuesday, December 19, 2023

Today I saw the sweetness of Susie. She's a great lady. 

Then I went to Hudson's Bay. 

"And you won't find any trees growing out here like you do in your Hudson Bay bush, I can tell you that." Willem Dafoe, The Lighthouse

I got a Polo Ralph Lauren robe. It is a nice one. Black and with a big red horse. Magnificent. It had a more finer and exquisite material than terry cloth. And at a good price. The Terry cloth one sells for $100. The one I bought today sold for $100 but the usual price for that material is $200. 

The other Terry cloth robe onkh has the small horse. 

At first I thought black was a dark color for a robe. I'd look somewhat like the ghost of Christmas future or Darth Vader. Black is a trendy color. Black looks more masculine. The red robe would look femine, kind of. I thought that a red bathrobe would also look like a Chinese Emperor or only the most excellent knights wore red capes on the battlefields of dark ages Europe; Lord of the Rings, Game of Thrones, and Dungeons and Dragons era Europe. 

I then went to the dentist's office today. I wore the Wagnerian wig. 

It was a great day. I regret that before going to the dentist, I didn't feel like going. I wanted to stay home and work on the steampunk cartoon which will take two months to complete because of the details involved. I want to do a good one. 

I am going to drink coca leaf tea to get more into the Victorian vibe. 

I went to the dentist office and had a blast! I loved the time I had there. It is almost eerie but things have been going amazingly smooth for me for the last few weeks. I never experienced anything like it. Things went incredibly smooth and easy for me. I don't know why. I'll take it. I thank God for the gift of life. I thank God for helping me with my life. 

Thank God for guiding my steps. Thank God for showing me a way where I don't see a way. 

Some people go through their whole lifetime never thanking God for the blessings in their life even once. That would be awful. 

This is on a possible distant horizon. A sequel to the steampunk Police cartoon but a cyberpunk Police cartoon. I like Tron and Tron is cyberpunk. Blade Runner is a hybrid steampunk cyberpunk world. Either overwhelmed or underwhelmed but never whelmed* *YouTube comment. 

Either the 1800s on steroids or else a world where everything is an advanced model prototype released in advance version of itself. Never the technologically moderate present. 

Anyone who can Jerry rig a house can design steampunk. Cyberpunk needs computer training. I like steampunk more than cyberpunk in terms of design. Steampunk resonates with coca leaf tea more than cyberpunk does. 

Yesterday, it was 3 days. Today it's 4 days. The earworm. The song is Geraldine from Mickey de Grand IV. 

"It's Gollum. He's been following us for the last three days."

Gandalf, Lord of the Rings

The earworm. It's been in my brain for the last three days. 

"Sometimes I feel lonely, staring at you in the park... 

Me and Suzie feeling groovy down in Trinidad...

Geraldine!"

Thursday, December 21, 2023

Shortest day of the year. The nadir. 

I am worried. All the residents in this hotel have 24 months or less to find a new place. 

I hope I don't wind up homeless jug hitting meth in a tent. That would be the nadir, the lowest point of human existences unless its jug hitting meth in a suoermax prison cell after getting airholed for the second time this week. If one has to jug hit meth to calm down their nerves, their life must be really messed up. Think about it. 

Yesterday Heather visited. I sent her away because the facial hair on her upper lip was just horrid. 

She couldn't drive her scooter too well and so drove into a wall and fell over sideways. 

That freaked me out. I helped her up and she was fine. Trippy or what?! 

You wonder why I have issues with anxiety. 

Once the Police see my Steampunk Police cartoon, they're going to put out an APB on me to get me sent to the mental hospital. "Only someone who is psychotic would make a cartoon like that."

Or they might say, "He's very artful in his creations." 

I don't think the Police have actually gotten wind of my cartoon. I'm not famous anyways. 

I want to do the cartoon to Honor the Police. I see lots of pejorative graffiti about the Police here and there and it makes me smh. 

The cartoon aims to be the opposite of that. To thank them for keeping the streets safe so I'll do a good cartoon. 

There won't be anything too lurid or any deleted expletives in the cartoon. The cartoon would be rated G except for a depiction of gunfire violence. 

There are lots of punk genres, diesel punk of the 1920s, art deco punk of the 1930s etc. 

One has to really dial in to the specific infrastructure and looks of each time period. 

Friday, December 22, 2023

I released a preview of my newest cartoon so far and I haven't been taken to the mental hospital so my luck seems to be holding out. 

I went to Chinatown to get some groceries. The price was nearly $40! That's more than I thought it'd be. I got a bit of sticker shock. 

I got shrimp dim sum, gold label soy sauce, sesame oil and 3 day old breads and a day old pork bun. Almost $40. 

I saw some grafitti today that read, "Don't take the economy personally."

I think that the Provincial government which is one of the financial contributors for my animated cartoons and writing too will give me a raise in a few months. A lot of people talked about that. 

Raises and inflation is a dog chasing its own tail. 

That's being a great film maker. To make films so over the top that one wonders whether or not they're crazy. That's certainly the case with me. My ideas are very unusual. Reverting back to 19th century technology in the 22nd century? In essence steampunk? That's crazy! That's a premise for a future world science fiction story. 

I drink coca leaf tea. I hope that society can accept that. The coca leaf tea really adds a strange unknown catalyst that accelerates my art. But also leads to moments of nervousness, anxiety and fear. But I thank God that He is with me. 

Romans 3:8 Nothing can separate us from the love of God. 

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. 

Daily I thank God for the blessings in my life. 

Saturday, December 23, 2023

Thank God for the gift of life. Thank you God for helping me with my life. 

God I thank you that you are still working on me. Thank you God that all our lives are a work in progress on a road that has a very spiritual bearing. 

God I thank you that you are helping to clear my mind so that I can be a totally sane person. 

God, I am obsessed and can't stop thinking of a certain lady like Han Solo tried not to think of Princess Leia when he was on the Millennium Falcon after they escaped the Death Star. That its this lady or that lady is incidental. The obsession is there. 

God, please help me to stop thinking of anyone obsessionally. "If all men count with you but none too much" kind of thing. 

God please clear, clarify my mind so that I can best live according to your will and your good plans for my life. 

Painting a negative picture of the future but it will turn out to be all right is a misuse of mental energy. Painting a positive person of a person who will turn out to be less than what you thought is a profound waste of time. 

"Either overwhelmed or underwhelmed, never just whelmed." YouTube comment 

I once gave someone some advice. "Time will reveal more information. Right now you are working with the knowledge that you currently have."

Eckhart Tolle said, "When you say," Oh I've screwed up my life. What you think of as your life is just a mental construct."

Indeed. One's version of the past is a pastiche of a few cherry picked selective memories. And the future is another thoughtform. One paints all kinds of pictures of the future in their mind which will all not turn out be be exactly that way. The future is imaginary pictures. 

What passes for human consciousness is a pastiche of selective memories, gaps in knowledge and intrusive and unwanted thoughts. So selective memories is just a pastiche within a pastiche. 

The Police are there to protect you from the potential dangers of society. But they are also there to protect society from the potential dangers of you! Hence I worry about the craziness of my cartoons. 

I have some over the top ideas for my Police cartoon. 

A publisher once said "I can't publish this. If I publish this, I'll go to jail!" 

I can't do my Police cartoon. If I do it, I'll be sent to the mental hospital!

The cartoon is going to get even crazier. Outrageous. Over the top. This conflicts with my agenda to be the 100% normal and sane and perfect Christian. 

" You are absolutely mad. Bonkers. But I'll tell you a secret. All the best people are." Alice in Wonderland 

I want to mention that I did calligraphy in my latest cartoon as some of you might have seen. Calligraphy is something I learned when I was 18 when I bought a calligraphy set with a nib pen and India ink. 

In the credits, I will be sure to include Calligraphy Dean Noble. 

I wouldn't call it a skill set as my calligraphy skill is amateur st best. A professional calligrapher's calligraphy looks shit hot. 

I will drink some coca leaf tea today and go on with the next part of my cartoon = more craziness. Tim Burton always does crazy movies. If a movie isn't crazy, he simply wouldn't be interested in doing it. Wes Anderson is another crazy guy. 

Examples of normal non crazy movies are all Hallmark movies. Hallmark Christmas movies etc. Those are sane normal wholesome and non crazy movies. Hallmark wouldn't do a steampunk movie. Or would they? 

I suffer from stage fright before doing my cartoons knowing how crazy my vision is. Extravagant. Over the top. 

Christianity is a forum of Judaism. Christianity is Judaism the extended disco version. 

I'm having a cannabis salad today. Some blonde hash mixed with Afghani hash and some weed sprinkles in a bowl of a pipe. 

I drank some coca leaf tea. Feeling slightly rushy and edgy now. Time to do more of my cartoon. 

Sunday, December 24, 2023

I went to the Presbyterian Church today. Then I walked around downtown. 

I went home. I feel too wasted from the holiday vibes and since it's Christmas Eve there will be no work tonight on my cartoon. 

Do you believe in Santa? The boy from the movie The Polar Express, even when he was old, he heard the bell ring, the bell that Santa gave him. 

Then SNL News Night said that Santa would have to travel 7 million miles an hour to deliver every toy to every child on Earth and that sleigh would weigh 232 tons. Santa and his sleigh and reindeer too would burn up in the atmosphere like a meteor! 

The logistics are physically impossible! 

Matthew 19:26 With man it is impossible, with God all things are possible. 

Santa exists in the afterlife as a spirit. 

If anyone on DMT has ever seen Santa, that's a story I'd like to know about! 

Santa Claus took DMT and said, "Holy smokes! I got so high I saw myself!" 

Jesus is real. I've seen him in at least one dream. His hair is wide like the mane of a lion and he was wearing a dark red vest. Dark red the color of blood? He also wore a blue vest sometimes. Blue and red. Police lights. Blue signifies the Spring time blue sky of heaven. 

I wonder if people from other faiths ever saw their avatar in a dream. Muslims might have seen Mohammed. Buddhists would have seen Buddha. Jewish people have many avatars. Moses, King David, any of the prophets. 

It would be awesome to see any of those avatars in a dream even if I don't belong to any of those faiths. 

Last night's dream was epic. 

The snippet I remember was I was being chased in a house by a mean almost demonic Asian woman. Daytime. Inside the house. I was in an Shaped hallway. I turned the corner and there was a door I went into the room. The room had a bed with its head against the right hand side wall and a medium sized square window on the wall opposite the door I entered. The window was to the left and on the upper half of the wall near the ceiling.. Those words would be enough for an AI image generator to draw a picture. 

It occurs to me, this reminds me of the room where I walked into and there was Queen Victoria. Very similar furniture setting. 

I sensed that the angry Asian lady was outside the room running down the hall looking for me. I said out loud, "The angel Michael will protect me." The there was a slight shift in energy for the better. Things gotnoticeably calmer in an instant. 

The angel Michael. I said his name in a dream and it isn't a name I usually think of. When was the last time I mentioned him? 

The angel Michael is major! 

Today I looked in a book. Matt Fraser. We Never Die. It was on top of my microwave. I opened the book to a random page and it mentioned, you guessed it. The Archangel Michael. 

I didn't say Archangel in the dream. I said angel. I'm not that knowledgeable in technicalities. Angel, Archangel. It's all good. 

Having that dream in the morning of Christmas Eve is auspicious. 

But who was that angry Asian woman? A virgo? A gamine? A lady who is crazy as a bat? 

Who knows? A psychic would know. There's psychics in the World who would know that. 

"We've seen an angel! Do you know what that means? We're set for life!" Michael, starring John Travolta 

From what I know. "What do you know?" The Polar Express, the Angel Michael is a guardian angel who carries a sword. He is a life angel along with Raphael and Uriel. Gabriel, Azrael and Samuel are the Angels of Death. 

Angel of life is a Vishnuic angel. Angel of Death is a Shivanic angel. 

Michael is a Vishnuic angel which means that I could potentially live a long life. Potentially as nothing in life is guaranteed. I'm crossing my fingers. 

Monday, December 25, 2023

This morning my delusional negative mind dreaded the day to come. I had two appointments. The day turned out to be better than I expected. A couple of edgy moments but overall pretty good. 

I often wonder if I'm in the wrong town with the wrong people. I am an artist. I imagine Heaven for me personally would be like a beatific house of Medici where there are all like minded artists. Artists who impress each other in spite of not wanting to be impressed. 

I will go on with my cartoon some time today. I have ideas but the skill is to be able to transfer that idea from the mind to the drawing board. I've done pretty good so far. Surpassing expectations in a lot of cases. 

Today on YouTube, I've discovered Pastor Steven Furtick. He is a very good pastor. He said that at one time, people told him he wasn't good enough to be a Pastor. Those people must have envied him or felt threatened because Steven Furtick is a great Pastor. 

I feel nervous today as always. Caffeine jitters. I drank 4 cups of coffee at various Christmas appointments and parties I went to today. 

Thank God I live in this town. It is a good town. I've had lots of Royal dreams in this town so that means this must be the town for me. 

Every successful person in this Province moves to this town, Victoria BC. Someone wins a Provincial election somewhere in BC as an MLA, "Guess what. You're moving to Victoria next week."

So me being here is a sign of success. 

I do love Heather. Love is the most important thing. 

What you think is important the spirits don't think is important and vice versa. 

Getting the million dollars and the new car isn't as much a success moment as having the presence of mind to say to a homeless person who is weeping and also yelling, "God Bless you!" 

I did that. A homeless person was walking down the street weeping and yelling. Some other homeless people told him to shut the f up." I said to him, "God Bless you." He said, "Ugh!" in approval. 

Romans 3:8 

Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord and lean not on your own understanding. 

Romans 3:8 Nothing can separate us from the love of God. 

2 Corinthians 3:1 I can speak with the greatest poetic words but if I don't have love, my voice is a clanging cymbal. 

"Without love, I am nothing." Tom Jones 

We teach best what we ourselves need to learn. 

Today my appointments were I went to see Suzie at the soup kitchen. Then me and Heather went to a Church run Christmas luncheon. 

Every little new detail can give me a slight panic attack. I thank God for giving me the strength and the grace to make it through this day. 

I got a few comments and a few new subscribers on my YouTube Police cartoon. I think most of them are cops which would be... awesome. 

I've had a year's long history of writing Police stories, talking about and illustrating my Police dreams and also doing Police cartoons like Interdiction etc. Plus I regularly donate to 3 Police Departments every year for the Tour de Rock Police charity. 

I wouldn't be surprised if the Police know about my latest Police cartoon in progress. I'll try to do a really good job. 

Feeling nervous. Existential nervousness. Go not on your feelings but on the Word of God.

Canadians know that today is the PM's birthday. Pm Justin Trudeau was born on Christmas Day. As the greatest PM in Canadian history*, he is a gift that keeps on giving. 

*my opinion only. 

"Life is an amusement ride." A Jewish doctor I knew once said that. 

Life is an amusement ride indeed. A scary and edgy one. Jungle Safari where one sits in a small rail car that goes through swinging double doors and then it's dark and then once in awhile these freakish and lurid dioramas show up. Ha! That's very much a metaphor for life! 

I had an afternoon nap. I woke up scared. Feeling terrified. Of the future. God thank you for healing my mind. By His stripes I am healed. I have these things I have to do. An ongoing to do list. The to do list scares me. 

Mental collapse. The annual Christmas meltdown. 

Steampunk gun. My drawing. 

Wednesday, December 27, 2023

Woke up with a sore throat today. Very sore. I thought I had something serious. Sore throats are common and could come from dehydration or eating food that's not quite fresh but kind of fresh. That's me yesterday. Fisherman's Friend or Hall's cough drops really helped. Also I went to McDonald's and got a coffee. McDonald's coffee is medicinal. So many times I felt awful and wrecked and drank McDonald's coffee and felt better. 

There is something magical about McDonald's coffee. 

Otherwise I feel tired. I had 3 afternoon naps yesterday. I feel slightly panicky about even the smallest things. I ought to be feeling nostalgic and blissful. 

I think I have a form of mental illness. Mental wellness is bliss and nostalgia all the time. 

Sometimes I think I have a strange definition of what healthy is. A lot of people would like to be feeling quote not healthy unquote as I am. 

I do meditation and yoga. I always feel good after doing that, like dying down on a shallow riverbank on a summer day. 

"He leadeth me beside spring waters." Psalms 

I also lie down on a basketball and this does chiropractic presses against my back which cracks the vertebrae of my spine. This really helps. This is a major secret to staying youthful. A well cracked vertebrae is a well lubricated vertebrae. 

Stephen Seagal said that during a back massage as the vertebrae is gently cracked, this stimulates nerve synapses from the vertebrae to various organs, healing and soothing those organs. 

I thank God for the gift of life and for the blessings he has bestowed upon me. I often feel that I am a tiny helpless being set against the vast framework of the Universe. 

Hopefully it's not a universe of random forces. 

If I can belief that something visible can be inanimate and dead, why couldn't I believe that something invisible is alive and living? 

The presence of God, the spirits of friends departed are invisible and living. 

But everything is living. The universe and planets and stars are living things. 

The Japanese believe that all things have a kamei or a spirit. Even buildings. Perhaps if someone did a massive dose of hallucinogenic drugs, massive, they might talk to a building and get a reply. That would be like Charlie Brown talking to a school house. 

I ask God to heal me and to renew my strength like eagles so I can be strong enough to go on working on my cartoon today. 

Thursday, December 28, 2023 

I have a mild flu. The symptoms started yesterday. Aching sore muscles, feeling listless. This morning some symptoms but I am getting better. It's a 24 hour bug. Last year I had a flu at exactly the last Wednesday of the year too. 

My cartoon. It is whatever it is. Prepare to be steampunk'd. My cartoon has a few layers but the layer helps tell the story and the story would not be the same without it. 

I have a certain particular mental illness, one of quite a few. I have the end of the world delusion. It's a thing. I think that the World might end in ten years but for sure will end in 200 years. Not the world but civilization and even the human species will just about all be gone in 200 years, heck 100 years. I totally 100% believe that. It's what my not having all the facts brain believes. Is there a cure for this? I don't know. Don't ever lose that imagination, I guess. 

The housing crisis is what I fear the most. I hope that God can help me with this otherwise I'm doomed. 

During the 90s in Chinatown Vancouver, several stores sold tinned curry from Thailand. There was red curry and yellow curry. Get some ground beef and at least one vegetable, boky Choy, brocolli, and boil some potatoes and cook some rice. Then add oil to a pan and fry the beef and vegetables then add in the curry. After that pour on top of rice. That's a great meal. The price for the tinned curry was $1.99 for one can. Now it could be as high as $3.99. It's worth it. I want to go to an Asian supermarket to find some tinned curry from Thailand. 

Friday, December 29, 2023

Gotten over the flu. 

The News said that the housing crisis is so bad that I'm thinking of going to the hospital to get euthanized if I am on the streets and have to live in a tent. I am not interested at all in living a life that's too difficult as it is existentially counterproductive and counterefficient. 

The News said in the last couple of years over 100,000 places for low income have shut down and 200,000 more are slated to shut down in a couple of years. That's a non starter. I don't want to live in such a world. 

I make cartoons and am an eloquent writer. Yet I am living an impoverished life. 

My friend once said, "Doesn't it bother you that a lot of people who are not as smart as you are doing better than you?" 

That's only relevant because I'm alive. I don't know how much longer I'll be alive. I could be dead next week. Any of us could. Once I'm dead, that's irrelevant. I owe life nothing and life owes me nothing. If life has been negligent to me then I should be negligent towards life. Since life has always given me the finger, why not give life the finger? 

The value of life is finite because the nature of life is finite. 

I greatly admire the courage of those who committed suicide. They had the determination to give life a message, that life is an inherently defective process  and is existentially counterproductive and counterefficient and life is not something that's bound to work in the long run at all and they had the guts to walk out on something that was essentially a non starter to them. 

If life is good to you, be good to life. If life has been bad to you, whatever you do I sure wouldn't blame you and would admire you. 

A life is not a person's property but is something on loan from God. Most people have had a vivid dream where they saw incredible things. Dreams are not imagination. They are a shortcut to God. 

If one has had dreams of angels and Royalty, that is the scent of God. One only has to smell the scent of something to know its there. 

I'd actually really love to quit life if it was up to me, I would have quit years ago. 

My life is up to God. God wants me to live. Alicent Hightower didn't want Ser Cristin Cole to kill himself and to stay alive. Well, it was because she wanted to sway See Cristin's favor, to use him against Rhaenarys. With Rhaenarys out of the way then the Hightower family line could ascend to the throne such as her son Aegon the 2nd who did ascend to the throne. But Rhaenys Valeryon summoned a dragon during that day etc. 

Hightower. That reminds me of the movie Police Academy. 

When I was feeling not quite up to it with life, I've had dreams of Royalty and they looked at me very kindly, wanting me to stay alive. 

Anything in life that's too difficult isn't worth doing at all including the living of life. 

Joel Osteen said God helps people. 

Psalms 34:19 "Many are the afflictions of the righteous but the Lord delivers him out of them all." 

I've seen lots of evidence where God did not help all Christians. Some people even in my Church got sick. God will help them. Sure. They later on died. God didn't help them. 

It isn't worth living in a world that gets worse and worse. I might just sign up for the Futurama suicide booth at the hospital. 

A life that's too difficult isn't a life that's worth living. I wouldn't even attempt to tey to live in a tent. There's no percentage in that. It's a non starter. 

I think of my friends who died. They have been reprieve. They're in the cat birds seat. They don't have to worry about the decades long ongoing housing crisis which only gets worse as time goes on. 

Say what you will about some other countries. They don't have a housing crisis yet these countries are under rated. Countries that are over rated yet have a housing crisis. 

The human species will be gone in 10 to 200 years. I just have a eschatological world view. Eschatology = the end of the world myth aspect of different religions. 

I still thank God for his Presence. But I wonder if he would send me the Angel of Death as I am simply not interested at all in living in a tent. 

My life has always been... difficult. I am not glad that I'm alive now. I wish I died years ago then I would have gotten it over with. My life is one that I would sure not want to live again. 

It's baffling that Canada of all countries has a housing crisis. Thailand is about a third of the size of BC and has twice the population of all of Canada but they don't have a housing crisis. Enough housing even for tourists. 

Canada has such a large land area per capita. So many thousands of miles of Crown land. Which is regulated. You can't just build your own house anywhere. You need a permit. 

Until a year ago, secondary suites, basement suites etc were referred to as illegal suites. 

That's right. Just regulate the shit out of everything. 

Mismanagement. Opportunism. Incompetency. Too many cooks spoil the broth. Everyone is a specialist. 

All problems wither under the glare of good Government. 

The WHO likes to be all gung-ho and imperious and draconian when it comes to vaccine mandates but the WHO likes to cherry pick their problems. So many people in BC don't have access to a doctor but the WHO doesn't care about that. 

There's an international housing crisis but the UN doesn't care about that. So much for the UN Declaration of basic human rights. Yeah, whatever. 

The human species will be over in less than 200 years. Humans will revert to middle ages technology. 

The human species is a parasite on this planet which characteristically runs everything it touches to the ground. Just run it to the ground! Individually and collectively. That's a hallmark of the pernicious malevolved human species. 

The UN is a paper tiger. 

The UN and the WHO is concerned about vaccine mandates but it isn't exactly in the UN's best interests as to  whether everyone has a doctor or about the housing crisis. You wonder why. Could it be that selling vaccines raises pharmaceutical IPOs and vaccine sales is a conduit or vector for medical or pharmaceutical profiteering while whether everyone has access to a doctor or housing is not? Quite the opposite. That everyone doesn't have access to a doctor or housing is a conduit of profiteering which the UN seems to like which would be consistent with the UN's and the WHOs notorious covert opportunist profiteering agenda.

The UN is useless and toothless. 

Forget about the UN! 

A creative solution is to allocate a parcel of land and and building supplies and tools. And people can build their own house. There are hand made houses of the 60s. Someone made a house where one of the walls was made with cemented together glass pop bottles. Some people know how to do joinery. This saves money for construction labour costs. 

I would try to make a two storey round house that is similar but also very different from a smurf mushroom house. 

I would need a shovel to dig out enough dirt to shore the ground. I would need a level. The shored ground would form the basis of a foundation which should be very stable. 

Electricity would come from a generator. Or solar panels. Solar energy is cheaper now than ever before. 

Some folks on the Internet have build their own gypsy style trailer made to hitch to a car or a truck and that's their home. They still need access to a shower and washroom. 

Such a smurfs village of handmade houses would be a village of very architecturally talented drug users with usage varying on many levels from the casual weed smoker to the crystal meth jug hitter and also k-holer. 

But their architectural and buildings skills are uncanny and profound. 

Single people in such a village wouldn't be single for too long unless they want to be. Everyone in such a village would eventually hook up. 

It would be like a medieval forest spirit and mystical mushroom community which would include people of all nationalities and religions. 

It would be a gypsy village phalanstery where people from other parts of town would visit home spun on site cottage industries of massage, tarot card reading, getting a tattoo, purchase cannabis products and paraphernalia and enjoy locally prepared meals from very talented junkie chefs. 

The smurf gypsy village would also have undercover Police living there as well as the official security guards. 

The government doesn't think like this. Well at least since the 1850s. 

The housing crisis can be solved once and for all overnight if the government gave the green light for smurf & gypsy villages. 

This is a design for the handmade house I would build for myself. 

Saturday, December 30, 2023

Today. Feeling fear and uncertainty. What else is new? The human species isn't evolving and all things get better and better. The human species is not evolving and things get worse like the housing crisis. 

My brain always feels like it's crazy and out of control which is completely different from my aim to be a 100% perfect Christian. And totally 100% sane and normal. I would like to achieve 100% sanity. Be careful what you wish for? 

Thank God for the gift of another beautiful day. A day where challenges further molded my spirit into something that will eventually be more stronger and into a spirit that is something beautiful. 

I couldn't go on without listening to Pastor Joel Osteen. He said to give his ministry and teaching at least one year and you will never be the same. That's true. Padtor Joel's ministry has changed my life. I know that God is with me. 

Isaiah 54:17 "No weapon formed against you shall prosper."

Today I bought some vape products as a new year's gift for myself. Cannabis vapes. I bought Tiger Blood and Tahoe OG Kush. 

These vape products are like shatter products which have on average up to 90% THC! Weed has about 35% THC and hash has 48% THC. 

The 90% is an equivalent. Vapes have vitamin E acetate which is a thickened that more closely binds the chemical to the lungs creating the illusion of a stronger effect. But loose shatter on its own also has a THC count of 90%.

Of course I learned that there are about 12 different kinds of THC. I thought there was only one, Delta 9 THC. Then ten years ago, I learned about CBD which I didn't know existed. About a month ago, I went into a cannabis store and saw that there was a chart with quite a few different types of THC listed. It was like going to a University science class. They teach this in University. They sure don't teach this in high school, ironically. 

High? School? 

I was originally going to get two disposable pens one Tiger Blood 0.3 gram and a Kolab project disposable vape pen but for $15 more, I was suggestive sold a vape kit which includes a USB charger. That's next level. Isn't technology wonderful? I didn't know that a vape pen could have a USB charger. I'm 53 years old. 

The kit had a  0.5 gram of Tahoe Kush along with pen, USB charger, and I paid for a separate vial of Tiger Blood. 

A 1 gram vial can have as much as 100 to 300 tokes. I don't know about that. But it does have a lot. 

At 90% that's quite the head roller. I had a small vape on the street corner waiting for the light to change. It was the first time that I ever had a vape outdoors. It rocked my world. Usually I have a vape in my apartment room. It was a small vape but did it ever do a number. I fell stoned but pleasant. It was like a slightly drunk feeling. 

Vaping is reportedly safer than smoking. The idea is that a vape pen functions as a protracted water pipe. But instead of H2O molecules, I get a thickened globule of vitamin E acetate clinging to the alveoli of my lungs. 

Smoking too much can lead to popcorn lung. 

Israel is a very spiritual country. On a YouTube video about Life In The Time of Jesus, it mentioned that along with the 10 Commandments, the Jewish tradition also has 613 mitzvahs which are also commandments which deals with specific issues usually agrarian issues such as if a man steals a goat and is caught, he must return two goats. Also when removing eggs from a chicken, the kosher way is that the chicken is first shooed from the cage so she won't have to see her children being taken away. That's very spiritual. 

Now Israel is attacking Gaza with the usual expected collateral damage, civilians killed. Some might say "Why doesn't Israel treat Palestinians with the same regard as they do with oviparian farmyard birds like chickens and ducks?" 

Israel might say in response, "Chickens and ducks didn't breach the border on October 7th and kill music festival goers as well as to go into kibbutzes to abduct and murder people." 

God is something I've never seen in a dream. God isn't usually seen unless its a near death experience or death itself. I don't know if I'll ever see God in a dream but I've seen angels, royalty alive and dead, my dead relatives and also extra terrestrials. Strange dreams. But those things are all the footprints of God. Oh yeah and I saw Jesus in at least one dream too. 

Lots of people, certainly not just me, have seen all kinds of awesome and spectacular things in dreams = proof of God's existence. 

If a person treats you a certain way, or if a place treats you a certain way, bars you, its incidental. It's how they treat people in general and that it was you this time is incidental and is a specific example which illustrates the general case. 

Consider the source. 

If you weren't born, they would have done that to someone else. Some people weren't born and they did that to you. Either way it's the same. It's how that person or that place deals with people. 

Then observe how they treat others and how they treat themselves. 

If you notice some kind of personality trait about someone, chances are a lot of other people think the same thing about that person as people work in patterns. 

And look at how the person treats themselves. They probably have some problem or issue in their life. Usually some firm of self abuse typically verbal self abuse. 

As for places, others will report that the place did that to them too. And the officious toxic nature of these crackpot fly blown places usually suffer from high staff turnover and declining numbers in clientele. It could be a dying obsolete industry and they know that you know that they know that so it puts them on some kind of defensive. Usually such places are a waste of of time and extraneous and irrelevant. 

These places are uncomfortable when you go there and uncomfortable when you don't go there. But the thing is, you feel uncomfortable when you go there and comfortable if you don't go there. Use the path of least resistance. Don't go there. 

These places often have some kind of government funding so even if they have no clientele or customers, their funding would still be the same unlike with restaurants. 

Unlike Churches, these places are usually godless places, Leftist in nature that encourages atheism and or New Age pluralism among their employees. 

If you don't go there, it is an act of compassion for yourself. Compassion is the hallmark of many religions. 

Jesus spoke of forgiveness. But forgiveness does not involve reexposure to toxic people or places. 

These places are just bad and extraneous energy jangles. Best avoided. 

I'm not legally required to go there anyways. I'm not even socially not morally required to go there. 

Besides, who am I to them and who are they to me? 

If you don't go there, every year that person or place has to deal with a bunch of new people. Life hates a vaccum. 

So many people go there, what's one less? So many people don't go there, what's one more? 

"You wouldn't worry about what people think of you when you realize how seldom they do." Eleanor Roosevelt 

Well. Yesterday I called a Catholic lady I know. She is a very special lady. Oh well, let's face it, just about all Catholic ladies are special ladies. 

Last week, fighting against my telephone phobia, I called her. I left a message on the machine. Then I turned my phone off. I'm scared of scammer calls. These calls are usually preceded by the numbers 413 which is the area calling code for India where the lion's share of these scams originate. The Indian Police have raided and busted a lot of these scam call centers. There are YouTube videos about it. 

The the Catholic lady told me that she called back. My phone was turned off! I would have loved a call from her! 

I told her I'd call again and that I'd leave the phone on. 

I called yesterday at 5:30 pm and left the phone on until 10:30 am. Then in a fit of derision, I turned off the phone. That changes the dynamic. Leaving the phone on is the same as waiting for her call. Ugh! 

I picture being in a nice fun theme park place far away. A place far away from any troubles I have ever known. I'd much rather be there than to wait for a call from a Catholic lady. 

To paraphrase Billy Joel, catholic girls always make you wait, Sooner or later it's much too late... 

Catholics live in a lattice of guilt. At least one annual confession is required. These confessions are secretly recorded and and submitted to The League of Rome. Although the majority of confessions involve slight drug use and looking at porn which is not that controversial. 

Catholics might say that it is the Protestants who live in a lattice of guilt. Catholics get absolution from their sins after confession so that their sins are constantly and perpetually absolved through a tangible palpable human intercessor of divine vocation. 

Just about all families have that ultra religious extended family member, usually a cousin who is uber Christian and wants to convert all family members to their branch of Christianity. As luck would have it, my cousin Tom is a Protestant Christian and since 1973, he has been trying his best to convert all family members to Protestant Christianity although what branch of Protestantism, he wasn't particular about. 

If he had been Catholic, then I'd be Catholic too. My cousin Tom does honour the Catholic tradition and has been to Catholic mass quite a few times. 

Anything that brings a person to Jesus is good. Jesus exemplifies man's higher aspect to strive for goodness. Forget the usual morass of negativity, all self talk must be an equation which rounds out to acknowledgement of the presence of God and Jesus in all things and at all times. 

Well, if a person is Muslim, then it would be best for them to remember the presence of Allah at all times. It's different names for the same God. 

The Universe is all one. The Universe isn't an inanimate object. It's a living conscious thing and profoundly intelligent. That is the handiwork of God. 

Today on the streets in my town there was a pro Palestine protest. 

They yelled something like, "Israel Israel, what is the solution? Intefada revolution!" The protest had a full Police escort. 

Intedfada and revolution?! That's over the top! 

Those words are anarchistic, seditious and illegal. It's never legal to encourage a revolution. I'm surprised that the speakers weren't busted on the spot for saying that. 

Perhaps it was because those words were more aspirational than operational. 

Did their political science class at University teach them to say that? I doubt it because political science if anything aims to teach a person to have a renewed and intensified respect for the government and how it works. 

There are feasible and non feasible forms of civil disobedience. Using words that are a dog whistle to foment civil unrest and public disorder is out of order. Yeah?! 

It is better to call for constructive dialogue and public pressure like writing letters to an MLA or an MP is a more salient and viable option than calling for a revolution Intefada. 

When a person is young, they like to shock older people as if to show that they are not children anymore, to demonstrate audacity and initiative, to demonstrate pluck. They might typically have some fascination with political science. Political antagonism is not the best way to demonstrate pluck and could be a vector to some questionable political based activity of a criminal nature which could get a person an unfriendly visit from an undercover agent. This happens. It's a thing. 

While most people will deal directly with an indirect problem, agents will deal indirectly with a direct problem. It will seem as if they are angry at a person for something else but its really about their seditious political activity like yelling whatever things at a protest. That's consistent with being a branch of the Police as the Police will say, "There isn't much we can do about this." when in reality they are interested in the case. The Police won't say, "Oh yeah, well get on this. This is what we plan to do. Again, dealing indirectly with a direct problem. This is the clandestine modus operandi of government bureaucracy which operates on another level from what ordinary life usually is. The Police is a branch of the government. The judicial branch. Executive, legislative and judicial, 3 branches of government. 

The dealing indirectly has a method. If it was dealt with directly, the person would be put on the defensive and could consciously dismiss that. Indirectly jars the person's subconscious as they try to dig around for what could have caused this, superstitious minds being what they are. This works on a deeper level. Once the mistake is recognized and there is a sign of fear and that they won't do it again, often the agent goes away. Unless it is like Putin said, a "serious mistake", then they'd be taken out like Prighozin. But the chances of that are so rare, that you'd have more chances of winning the lottery. In the movie the Last Emperor an agent admitted to the Emperor, "We didn't want to kill you. We only wanted to scare you."

Indirectly because that way the agents have plausible deniability in case you decide to report them and nothing would happen if you do. 

There are better ways of demonstrating pluck such as to go on an adventure to another city and to visit a restaurant and eat. 

The best thing to do is to trust in the wisdom and the guidance of elected political leaders. Whether it's going through public school or getting unemployment insurance checks or even welfare checks, remember that the government has taken good care of you and brought you this far.. 

As for Israel and anywhere else, the wheels of political justice and response move slowly but surely. 

All problems wither under the glare of good government. 

Don't yell the words intefada or revolution through a megaphone during a protest. No good could ever come from that. 

I never heard those words in a protest before. I was shocked. I expected the usual, "The people united will never be defeated" or the old war horse, "Hey hey, ho ho, whoever's got to go" That's neutral words. Those other words. That was incitement. 

Well, they'll learn. We all do. 

I don't know how I'm going to make it another 20 years and it's not as if there is a pot of gold at the end of that. After that the level of scary and old age is on another level. 

Well. When a person is 19, they'd say, I'm almost 20. When a person is 23, they'd say, I'm almost 25. Then when a person is 40 or 50, which is where I am now, they might lie about their age and say it's younger. 

But when a person gets to that point when they're old, they'll brag about their age, "I'm fully this age and grateful that I got here."

So growing old isn't nearly as bad as you think in most cases. 

The U curve of happiness. 

Sunday, December 31, 2023

Last days of another benighted year for me. 

I went to Church today. Then I went to the museum. 

Then I saw Heather today. I was flustered. I griped and got some things off my chest. 

She doesn't make things easy. 

But I finally told her that I love her and always will. 

If I had any money, I'd leave town. 

Why must I be scared all the time? Why must my brain hurt with anxiety all the time? I often think that I'd like to just quit life but I live because I follow God's will. 

I am scared of myself. I am scared of the places I take myself to and of my indecision.

I am scared of my own crazy brain. I wish I could have 100% sanity. 

Princess Leia said, "One day you will learn to trust yourself."

I'm scared of being crazy because I want to be 100% sane and normal. 

That's the struggle between Appollonian and Dionysian. Order vs hedonism. Discipline vs informality. 

I give out a certain kind of energy only to get another and worse energy in return. I am an animated cartoonist but I don't have any friends who are talented at drawing at all. The lady at Church who plays the organ is profoundly talented. She plays classical music like JS Bach. She doesn't seem to resent it that the people around her in Church aren't talented at playing the organ. At all. 

These things happen. Jesus is the Saviour and Messiah and does much good for humanity. Yet when he was born did he get a standard or a substandard set up? He didn't get a majestic 5 star hotel or state of the art hospital maternity ward or a crowd giving him a royal welcome as befitting his divine station. Jesus had very humble beginnings. Lots of very talented people live in humble circumstances. 

For next year, may God help my mind to be a better person. May God help me to be sane and calm. With man it is impossible. With God all things are possible. 

I'm scared of life but I'm scared of the afterlife too. I'm existentially doomed for eternity. 

There is just no way to win. Be single which is disillusioning and depressing. Not be single and then it's be on the hook for child support or if not, one day decide I don't like her anymore but she still keeps on stalking me. Often a woman can't take a hint that I don't like her in particular. Otherwise have some lady that eventually drives me up the wall. 

Some people just don't have the temperament to be anything other than single. 

There are women in my life now that if I had thousands of dollars would I still stay in town or leave without even saying goodbye. I'd like to leave. 

I have to say that I mysteriously feel a lot better. Calm, like a placid lake. The peace that surpasses all understanding. Thank you God. If anybody prayed for me to get better, thank you for your prayers. It worked.