August of renewing hope, 2021

My solitaire set up with customizable background and card back.

Based on an exhibit at the Museum of Vancouver. 

I probably won't have  much to write about this month. I have burnout, PTSD, extreme and I mean 12 stars out of ten fear and paranoia whenever I smoke pot and it didn't use to be like that. 

I fear the future of course and have an irrational fear of Police. I'm sure they noticed that I haven't been quite right in the head lately. 

I didn't use to be like this. 

If this goes on for life, I don't know what I would do. It's scary. 

Burnout can take months to heal. 

I don't know if I'll be around in a year. I might be dead from mental collapse or in the mental hospital in a year or less. 

Short term, there are times in the day when the fear is less. It waxes and wanes.  

And long term, it isn't generally as bad as it was a few weeks ago. It was worse and on another level then. 

Eventually, I will be back to my old unique precious self again. 

An internet article said after three months, one is semi normal after burnout. After a year, they were 80% better. 100% better took five years but this person said it was a new normal so it was more like at least 150% better. New normal as the old normal would have killed. The vast majority of reports say that people when they recover from burnout are better than they were before the burnout. Here's hoping. Knock on wood.

I panic attacked and couldn't go into Church today. That's OK as there was no after Church social planned anyways. 

At the University, I was "If I get something to eat, that's fucked up, overwhelming and scary. If I don't get something to eat, that's also fucked up and scary." I didn't get something at the cafeteria at first. Later when I returned, there was a long line up of construction workers and I couldn't wait so I didn't get anything to eat that day. I held back. Burnout makes me no longer believe in my dancing. And I was mulling over whether to wear a red shirt or a blue shirt. I went with the blue shirt however that caused me anxiety. 

"The way things are going, they're gonna crucify me." John Lennon

At one weird point, I thought it was because I stared at Annabelle the cursed doll on a YouTube video too long and the doll possessed me. If I was possessed I thought that I would have done something grossly antisocial which I haven't. The Police have a sixth sense of people's vibes. If I was demonically possessed, the cops would have picked me up. Douglas Bloch wondered if he was possessed and visited a Priest. The Priest told him that he wasn't possessed. 

I wondered if the coronavirus vaccine has a serotonin reuptake inhibitor so it blocks all my feel good chemicals. Even pamphlets say that chills, fever and fatigue are common side effects of the vaccine. 

Did the coronavirus vaccine CRISPR my DNA?

What about pathogenic priming and cytokine storm? 

I'll find out in two years as one conspiracy theory is that a lot of vaccinated people will be dead in less than two years. Yeah, that's one way to guarantee that humans as a species will make it to Kardashev 1 or 2. Would I even be around in two years?

I have to stop smoking pot. Weed makes the paranoia soar to astronomical levels!

The fear that I got from smoking pot was earth-shattering! However it wears off in about two hours, and then I smoke more. Right. To be addicted to something that causes great extreme fear and paranoia and will amplify and exacerbate any symptoms of burnout is self-destructive and counterproductive. That's why I should quit. The weed is much stronger these days for some reason. Many people have been hospitalized for marijuana psychosis which is similar to Freud's cocaine psychosis but with weed. 

That's very real. 

Smoking pot these days, the paranoia is semi like coming down off crack. Or course coming down off crack is way more psychotic and paranoid and there's no way I can handle that. But I expect that from crack. I don't expect this level of paranoia from weed. 

But with weed, even with the feeling like there's a hot steam iron in my stomach level of fear, I am, was, always able to walk around in the streets, etc.  I gotta stop the weed. It's too strong. Cannabis is much stronger these days. It's no longer fun or euphoric. 

The weed these days really rocks my world.

I can't use it anymore. Too negative and dangerous. 

It's like smoking a new and different drug, that's how powerful it is, and not in a good way. That's a red flag.

Depersonalization and derealization can happen to pot smokers, an extreme condition where one feels disembodied and disconnected to themselves as well as their surroundings. I never felt that recently. I did feel that on two occasions when I first smoked pot in 1989. 

CBD, marijuana's other psychoactive ingredient, is supposed to have anxiolytic or else anti anxiety effects.

Any pain like plantar fasciitis, it goes without saying, adds cortisol to the body which is the worst thing for burnout. I'm using ProFoot PF insole inserts.

These work very well. It takes a couple of days but as time goes on, they work better and better. I walk long distances and my plantar fasciitis is gone. 

I will also need a pair of PF slippers.

Stretching helps. I walked more on the last month than in the whole year previous to that. That will bring on plantar fasciitis.

The internet advised that orthotic inserts should be replaced every 2 years. Ha! In less than 2 months, the Dr Scholl's inserts get 'as flat as a French pancake'. I use AirPlus inserts now.

And the News stories about the pandemic can stress and add to burnout. It's a perfect storm.

YouTube comment: At first it was about a two week lockdown and flattening the curve. Now it's about everyone getting two vaccinations.

Scary as all this is to me, suicide is even scarier. I wouldn't do it. I lack the technical knowledge. Most suicide attempts wind up as unsuccessful and the person is alive but worse off than ever. Even if I had the knowledge, it's more important to live an honest and conscience free life and death unto God so that when I die, I can reconcile myself with the fact that on no level and in no way shape or form is this a suicide. 

I used to write about how it would be had I died years ago of some strange non-suicidal way when I was young, but that is compulsive and scary. It's not the same as saying I intend to do the rash act. 

If God was to send an Angel of Death and then I die, I wonder what that might be like but there's no way I can control something like that and nothing I could do about it.

The sheer pain of depression is most awful when one thinks that one is in so much pain, the suicide would be an act of self compassion. Douglas Bloch thought this at one time. I never thought that. 

If my depression is so painful and it increases, I think depression and burnout past a certain level is automatically fatal, so I wouldn't have to worry either way. Either I get better or I don't. Either way, the future will take care of itself. 

London streets looks cold, mausoleum like, a sprawling city, concrete jungle. It all seems so very expensive unwelcoming and cold and awful and prosaic and clinical and regimented. That's no solution to the possibility of me staying in this hotel room for the next 10, 20 years. This is uncharted waters for me. I stayed in this room for ten years in a row and counting. That never happened to me before which is scary somewhat.

Either stay here or go there for what, to chase some weird abritrary surreal abstract icon of personal advancement in some strange attempt to salvage my future of otherwise staying in this room in this town for the next 10, 20, 30 years?! I don't know the future. No idea.

Going to London would not be a solution to any of my problems. I had a lot of Royal dreams of the BRF. Lots and lots of hypnagogic stuff recently in the last few weeks I really don't want to get into. Half forgotten already anyways. Aren't things crazy enough as it is? It's OK to chase a dream as long as you don't have to spend any money to do it. The usual flat hypnagogic dreams of someone with burnout. The hypnagogic voices say such weird bat-shit crazy stuff and I wake up startled all the time. Hopefully, one can't get arrested by the Police for having weird shit hypnagogic voices and visions, otherwise we'd all be arrested. 

I really don't know how much longer I'll be around. 

Just because I wrote something on my blog, it doesn't mean I have to see the movie. I wrote about the Oka Crisis sometime back and a few days later, I found out there is a movie about that topic in theatres now. Would I go see it? I usually only see major franchise movies like Star Wars or Dune or Blade Runner in the theatres. I saw F9 and Roadrunner because I haven't seen any movies for over a year since the pandemic and to try to help with my burnout. I don't know if it helped or not. 

I don't want to see Beans in the theatre. Too expensive. $14 ticket. I'd rather watch it for free on the internet on solarmovie or something whenever it's released. 

On $8.50 Tuesday, I saw the movie Beans. Excellent cinematography. Slight snapseed filter quality to the cinematography as it was set in 1990.

The movie was 25% showing scenes of the Oka crisis and 75% about a coming of age story of a young 12 year old girl living through those times. 

Lots of angry scenes. However, like with the Titanic, you know how the story ends. With a resolution. Historically, the golf course was finally cancelled. If the natives didn't fight like they had, would the golf course have been cancelled? Probably not.

During the movie, symptoms of my burnout flared up as I had the usual queasy feeling in the stomach along with worries of the future. I'm afraid of the years to come. I struggle with the small decisions I have to make in the next few days. Go to this restaurant or not? Etc. Visit this person or not?

I am getting better but burnout can take months to recover. 

Victoria BC. I wonder if a Goodfeet store will open here. There is a branch in Surrey. They sell special insoles for shoes that treat plantar fasciitis and also metatarsus which is pain in the front of the foot at the bottom near the big toe. Those insoles I think costs $150 to $300. I will ask around about the best insoles for PF. I want to hear an ordinary person recommend a product and not a paid corporate spokesperson. I will ask for a good cheaper insole. Amazon sells PF slippers for $50. Stretching helps plantar fasciitis. Also anti-inflammatory medications like aspirin. 

Dear God: I hope that my burnout isn't forever. Although I am gettting better. Three weeks ago, I was walking in the streets loudly sighing and raising and lowering both hands simultaneously in a pacifier move or gesture. Two weeks ago, I was raising my hands up and down, no sighing, only breathing deep inhalations. Now it's at the point where I wake up with fear and heart palpitations. Last week, it went on for two minutes whenever I woke up. Now it's down to 30 seconds to a minute. Whenever I have to make a decision I get somewhat of a panic. Decisions like, do I go and visit the next town today for a mini vacation - or not? Do I go to this restaurant or that restaurant. Do I go to a movie today or not, costs too much money and I only somewhat want to see the movie. Do I eat now or an hour later, this last one is no biggie. 

Dear God, please heal me one day so I'm back to the happy dancing unique precious self I was before, ready to travel even overseas instead of the doddering burnt out wreck I am today. Or else if not, I won't ever kill myself, but what about sending the Angel of Death, I get some stroke, brain aneurysm, or heart attack during my sleep, I have an out of body near death experience that turns into a full death experience. All this should be fast and smooth. I would perhaps rather be dead than to be so fucked up, damaged, broken and defective. 

Or else if you could use your Grace to heal me, I will do my utmost to be a vessel that serves your good will upon this Earth however I can. 

Thank you, in the name of Jesus, Amen. 

Strange YouTube comment: That guy died of arsenic poisoning because his face was all red. He didn't die of a heart attack which turns the face all grey and blue. 

Douglas Bloch's surgery scheduled for July 20th went off without a hitch or complications. That's because it didn't happen. It is rescheduled for August 17th. I hope that Douglas Bloch makes it. Douglas Bloch is a master. Some people are masters at blades and swords and martial arts sword fighting. 

Douglas Bloch is a master of overcoming depression in the same way a martial arts master is proficient at sword fighting. Douglas Bloch while fighting depression, make YouTube videos advising people on how to heal from depression. What a trooper! 

His depression may or may not have been situationally caused. However my current depression comes from me pushing myself to unacceptable limits and for not having set boundaries for myself. 

Although I am healing from burnout, it never got to the point where I was in tears or crying and never at the point where I was involuntarily screaming. There are worse and deeper levels of the hell of burnout and I'm glad I never experienced it although I might have if, say I pushed myself for another year. 

Some people have died of burnout. It the Orient, it's called karoshi. In one case, a person worked 128 hours of overtime in one month and wound up dead of a heart attack. Burnout is very serious.

I only hope to God that I could eventually fully convalesce from this. 

With God's help, I can overcome this accursed affliction. 

I'm getting better slowly and not worse. If I even sensed that this was getting worse, I'd voluntarily check myself into a hospital, regular, mental, whatever. Please God, and perhaps the people around me too, help me to heal from this. Douglas Bloch said that socializing and the love of the community around him made a big difference in his recovery.

During World War 2, the Nazis regularly overworked the people at the concentration camps in a method called Vernichtung durch arbeit. Destruction through work and more specifically the burnout that would inevitably result from that. Vernichter, vernichtung, that's where we get the word pernicious from.

The legendary Vikram Vij opened a restaurant in this town. It's called Sutra. I'm thinking of trying that place. Vikram Vij is a legend. I think he got a Michelin star, although I'm not sure. 

One day, a drink for burnout will be developed and patented. Non psychoactive but works. The anxiolytic ingredients will probably be cannabidol or else CBD, coca leaf tea extract and also synthetic acetylcholine. Drinking this over two weeks can calm and heal what would otherwise be a few months of burnout symptoms including a listless exhaustion that pervades one at all times rendering any decisions even small decisions very stressful and panicky.

There is a cafe on Hastings St in Vancouver called coca leaf cafe. It serves coca leaf tea. 

The Reignite Project actively helps people with burnout.

"I don't smoke marijuana. It takes away my natural anger." Sarah said that on the television show Roseanne years ago. One sign of recovery from burnout is that my anger comes back. Before, I was simply too scared, too exhausted to be angry. Now, all sorts of anger is coming back to me especially when thinking about the goddamned narcissist. Angry, but not too angry. Out of control anger, like out of control fear is never good. Be angry but in a way that's legal and not illegal. 

Say whatever I will about YouTube. I ammunder the impression that the best way to describe my internet career is that it is surrounded by Police tape. Maybe I wrote something in the past and now they are watching my social media. That's why I have to be responsible for what I write and to be very careful about my phrasing. It's all good. 

However I really really wouldn't have recovered this much from my burnout without YouTube. People in the past had to suffer whatever without much information. 

I am about 50% or more recovered my burnout. Still, whenever I have to make a decision, I get these micro panic attacks and an overall weariness but nowhere as bad as I was weeks ago. If I smoke pot, that's a different story because the fear and paranoia then is absolutely earth shattering! I can't take it. So I quit smoking weed again. For how long? Who knows?

YouTube has helped me to recover to this extent from my burnout and I never would be at this level without YouTube. YouTube saved my life! 

It will be another month or two when I will fully recover to not only where I was before but better than ever before! Douglas Bloch said, the valleys that one goes through is a measure of the heights that God wants to take them to. 

I imagine things about people based on the information from some YouTube videos like believing people are narcissists when they are not. Another YouTube video makes me wonder if I'm a sociopath, a psychopath and a narcissist. Dr Ramani has encyclopedic knowledge about narcissists. Hopefully I'm neither of those things.

I am a good person. I am a normal person and I try to behave with honour. 

Sadhguru said whether you do something compulsively or consciously, it's an act. A lot of it is self suggestive. A person can either take on the alter ego of a normal city hypochondriac man or else the alter ego of a hero like a Jedi Knight for example. 

Pretend to be a hypochondriac. Why not? Nothing better to do. 

There is something called White coat syndrome where some doctors delusionally start believing that they have one or more diseases that their patients have.

The video the Secret. If one thinks sickness, they get that much more sickness. If they think wellness, they get that much more wellness.

Douglas Bloch said, when depressed, don't think, this is going to last forever, this is so painful that I'm better off dead. Instead think, I know that I've experienced this to some degree in the past and got over it and better. These things come and go and eventually, I'll be fully recovered. It can take months and although it hasn't completely gone away, overall I am feeling better and better all the time. 

"I'm tired of pretending that I'm not a bitchin' total freak rock star from Mars." Charlie Sheen

Worries about the future. All you're worrying about is an algorithm. The future is an algorithm. One person worries that they will have to live out and endure the next 30 years of their life which is probably going to be all shit. Turns out they wind up dying a week later of some weird event. Another person worries that they'll be dead in less than a year if not a month. Turns out that person lives a very long life.

The future is an algorithm and as such it is different from mathematics where there is only one right answer on the other side of the equals sign. In calculus, there could be any number of, even an infinite amount of right answers on the other end of the equals sign except in calculus, the equals sign is written before the equation, not after, and it kind of looks like an elongated 'S'.

Calculus is a very funny thing. Often, the answer to an algorithm is yet another algorithm and the answer to that one is yet another algorithm, so on ad infinitum. Worrying about the future is silly. An algorithm can either be a question or an answer unlike sums and quotients in mathematics which are strictly questions and answers respectively.

Wednesday August 4, 2021. Last night I had my first dream that wasn't flat for awhile, anyways that I could somewhat recall. I was in Dawson Creek at the Alaska Hotel. I was in a hotel room with some of my old friends. I said in the dream, "I thought the Alaska Hotel burned down but guess not because I am here in one of the old rooms." It felt so real. Typical, my friends seemed friendly as I said this but said nothing in response. As if to say, "what you said was correct and accurate yet also incorrect and inaccurate." 

It felt nice. Perhaps I should move back to Dawson Creek. It's a much slower pace of life. 

I know the area because I've built up roots there, so the nostalgia from knowing the land and the vibes of the land like the back of my hand. Sunday vibes are very beautiful in Dawson Creek. After going to Church, the Sunday vibes seem to stretch on to forever on some Sundays. 

Uploading videos to YouTube is a useless piece of shit waste of time. I upload the PCAD video and get no money and no view count. Someone once said to me about my cartoons. Not everyone can do that.

Yeah, but what do I get in return for uploading this cartoon? Nothing. Low view count and no money. Goddamn the very forces of fucking life! Goddamn the human species. Hunter S Thompson said that the music industry is a long narrow hallway filled with pimps and thieves. YouTube is like that too.

If I could disabuse even one person of the notion that uploading videos to YouTube is useful then I have done my job. Uploading videos to YouTube is a bullshit set up, it's an asshole scene. What a sleazy set up. What a vampiric scene.

Ha ha, even people who own computer shops or are tech experts wouldn't even attempt to try to touch YouTube even with a ten foot pole. If uploading videos to YouTube makes money, nobody anywhere would be working at their jobs. Why work 8 hours for $100 take home pay when you can work 1 hour a day to upload a YouTube video and make thousands?

Anyone who uploads to YouTube and doesn't get money is an idiot who doesn't think things through. I guess I must be an idiot to upload videos to YouTube.

Don't upload videos to YouTube. Use your talent somewhere else. It's too late for me. This message needs to be passed on to the next generation. 

 

Don't upload unless you fully know what you're getting into. 

There isn't a market for what I do. I never go into Walmart and see a DVD of a cartoon only one person did. Usually cartoons have up to three hundred people working on it. 

YouTube doesn't pay me money but what it does is have videos that I learn from. Videos of all different topics. What YouTube does is give me a reputation for being an artist animated cartoonist. The cartoons are a hobby. An engaging video is one that is rich with dialogue and these videos often suggest to people to like, share, and subscribe. I don't do any of these things. My videos hardly have any dialogue. That might change one day. 

Thank you, YouTube for giving me the opportunity to show my drawings and cartoons. Thank you, YouTube for videos that helped me through a lot of hard and difficult times. 

I'm not the best nor most exemplary uploader, I know that. 

Burnout takes longer to go away than I would think. I still wake up with these sharp fear  twinges in the stomach that make me feel ashamed that there's something wrong with me. They aren't as bad as before, but they're still there. It can take months to go away, if ever. It definitely makes me think that I'm better off dead than to suffer like this. 

This story from Our Daily Bread, October November December 2016 is a good one.

My hotel room is a climate accelerant rather than a moderator which means the hot summer days are hotter and the cold snaps of the winter are even colder in this room. The room is a corner room with two walls that on the summer turn the room into a kind of tandoori oven.

I hope to move from this room to a better room. I hope I'm not stuck in this room for life. I'm moving back to Vancouver one day. I know, love, and miss Vancouver vibes. Nothing else quite like it.

As for my climate accelerant hotel room,  what can I expect? It was built in the early 20th Century when there wasn't this global warming climate issue. I'm glad I never had any children. The world they would live in with climate change, global warming, real estate crisis and neighbourhoods which only ever get worse and worse and never never any better. Unenviable. 

A YouTube video said the real estate market is cooling. And a BC Hydro PNE prize home ad displayed a rechargeable car that runs on water, not fossil fuels. Steampunk or what. 

That's good news on the real estate and the global warming front.

My burnout was also caused from working past midnight until 5:30 am, doing cartoons, drinking energy drinks and pushing well past the exhaustion point that one would feel at that time in the morning. New rule: No doing cartoons past midnight. Even past 9 pm. Time to shut it off until next day or even another day. 

I also quit smoking tobacco. Knock on wood. Yesterday, I swore I was going to have a heart attack or stroke and I thought I was dying. I even told that to a few people in the neighborhood. What I felt was the last major nic fit, the second day into quitting. That, and after going to the washroom and emptying my guts, I felt better. 

Don't get angry. A little bit angry during certain situations if it requires it, but no more than that. Anger releases toxins into the body which accumulates and then registers as burnout.  

There's no getting away from it. Even after the symptoms of my burnout wear away and it's a mild case, as I wouldn't get a major case of burnout from working one hour a day most days even though at times before it was 7 days a week, there will always be some minimal anxiety and slight fear. Perhaps it's just caution. A little bit of anxiety is normal with most people. It's a very fast paced society. And I was the type of person to get preflight jitters. Oh well. 

Sometimes I think of certain things and get slightly overwhelmed. 

When a person first visits a new town, they are excited. They arrived. They feel good. Then a few hours later, they panic. Get homesick. Want to go back. Wonder if they're going to make it. After two or three weeks, they like the place so much, so many good things have happened to them that they never want to return. 

This is similar to when I turned 40, I was excited to be 40. Then at 41, it set in. I'm old. I wonder how I'll make it through this decade. At 43, 44, plus etc I felt better that I hit my stride in my 40s, lots of new things happened to me and for me. Now at age 51, it set in, I'm really firmly in my 50s. I'm even older. I think the next few years should be better as I hit the pace and stride of my 50s. That's if I do. Nothing is guaranteed and I could be dead in less than a year. In fact for at least a few minutes every day, as my stomach churns, I wonder if I will make it to the end of the day. I want to spend at least one or a few days without me thinking that I'm going to die soon during some part of it. Oh whatever. These moments are brief. 

Who cares?  I could be dead in less than ten years. If it's my time, what do I care? My life is going nowhere and there is really not even one person in my life that I would want to live another ten or twenty years for.  I really don't care. 

I won't ever have any children. I'm glad I didn't. World population, in 1900, the World population was 2.2 billion. In 2020, the World's population is 7.7 billion people. What a shit show! The World needs more people? I didn't know that! 

Covid-19 is a pathogenic epidemiological virus to the human species. And the human species is obviously a pathogenic epidmiological pernicious virus to this planet. The World needs more of that?! I wouldn't have thought that! 

Also cited as reason I'm glad I never bothered to have and then raise any children are climate change, parental burnout and that I come from such a dog-shit family. I don't believe in throwing good money after bad. I don't believe in throwing away good energy after bad. Why should I pay that shit forward? My mother died when I was really young. Why should I do her any favors when it comes to continuing the next generation which would be an extension of her? And my father is, was,  dead or not, I don't know and I don't care, a sleazy mendacious crackpot. Goddamned chink. No, I won't be advancing that shit forward. No one cares anyways. 

Getting married and having children is square anyways. Squaresville.

Anyone who has children, the way I see it is a goddamned fucking idiot who hasn't thought things through.

Douglas Bloch says that in the last few years, more children at age 10 committed suicide than ever before. So many comments in YouTube videos about depression are about teenagers going through clinical depression scared of what the years hold ahead for them. They won't ever be able to afford a condo let alone a detached home. There is absolutely no hope so most people who have children really probably haven't thought things through.

Look at the demographic of Vancouver's benighted and blighted Downtown Eastside. Now there's a disincentive for breeding if I've ever seen one. All those hardcore drug users with profound mental issues are somebody's child, and the result of years ago, someone thinking it would be a good idea to bring another child into this world- with disastrous results. 

From a YouTube comment, paraphrased: "Governments generally overlook the creation of housing as a basic social strategy. The government on all levels, federal, provincial and municipal alike are really talented at allowing for the chronic underfunding of housing and health care." Even University students are having a really difficult time finding housing let alone residents of Vancouver's Downtown Eastside. What a fucking joke!

Things only get worse and worse and never better and still children are being brought into this World?! Bizarre. Real bizarro shit!

The worst neighborhood that is Vancouver's Downtown Eastside gets worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse and worse  as the years go on and hotels there are getting more and more expensive. I'm smart never to have had children. Grow up in a world like this?! In, no thanks. No fucking thanks! 

An exhibit at the Museum of Vancouver. Vancouver vibes are really really heavenly. 

I might move back there in a couple of years.

Saturday, August 7. Life is a treadmill. Life is a trap. Fishbowl existence. The same thing over and over and again. Every fucking day. I wish I was dead. I hate life. Same fucking shit. Over and over again. I can't stand it.  I really wish I was dead. God, I really want to see the angel of death. I want to quit life altogether. Life is so boring. 

I think of getting heroin and overdosing. I won't actually do it but the thought is there. I have absolutely nothing to live for and my life is so repetitive. Quit life altogether!

Day in, day out, same fucking shit over and over again. I really wish I was dead. Yeah, me and millions of others also want to quit life. 

My landlord walked into a lot of rooms of tenants who overdosed. He said they all looked like in great turmoil, that the way down, the transition from life to death was very painful to them. Sure the worst is over and they are no longer in whatever physical or existential pain tied to life and living but they had a very bad time going towards their death. 

Life is boring, life is a repetitive fishbowl existence treadmill trap but one can not quit. That's really awful! Fishbowl goldfish, treadmill hamster 🐹. In my life, I am between either a goldfish life and a hamster life. 

It could be a lot worse. I don't know at all how it could be better without a lot of stress. That's the problem. 

The hours go fast. The day goes fast. The week's go fast and a month goes fast. Things should be a lot better in the fall. More moderate weather, not the summer time heat wave bullshit. Is every summer going to be like this? That is why I'm glad I never had children. That would have been irresponsible. What kind of shit world would they have grown up in? This one? Uh, no thanks! 

There's a massive World wide cull of the population in case you haven't noticed. Space for living itself is at a premium, let alone real estate. If this was Futurama, at least I could have the option of using the suicide booth. 

So many people dying, what's one more? Me. It's not as if I was begging for my life at every turn.

Oh what the fuck. There are fishbowl existences and there are fishbowl existences. Some are much better than others. Hours go fast, days go fast, weeks go fast, months go fast even a year goes pretty fast. Things will be better in a few months. More options will be available. 

The best is yet to come. You ain't seen nothing yet. That's the ideal. Whether or not that's the reality. It most likely should be, though.

I wake up every morning with fear. I am afraid of what's to come. I'm age 51 and what is expected for anyone at that age? A slide towards old age, decrepitude and death. I hold back on my dancing now. I'm 51, too old to dance. 

51 is too old. Over the hill! 

My solution is that once in every few years, I could have a sip of coca leaf tea. It's important not to drink too much of that or next morning one always wakes up in an is involuntary black negative mood. 

I am still very much attracted to older women. Whatever floats your boat, right?  However I wonder how these older women seem so chipper. Despite their age, they have no age related anxiety, or future fears anxiety. I admire them for that. But knowing the possibilities of such anxieties with the old including myself, it makes me want to give up on love and dating. I think I'll be single for life and I can accept that. Will I still be around in a year? 

I don't know if I can go on too many walks. Plantar fasciitis. I need to get better insoles. On hard ground in bare feet, I really feel it. 

Life is so difficult I want to give up. However, the future could hold wonderful things for me such as finding a new and better girlfriend, getting a BMW. Getting money for my cartoons and writing in some way. 

A trip overseas, to England, Thailand or Japan. I have a t-shirt that reads "I'm big in Japan". Ha ha. I don't know about that. Would that even be an ideal, let alone a reality? I do love Japanese people. They are very smart and strive to live life with honour. 

When I told the Priest at Church about my anxiety about getting older now that I'm 51, he said that God will be with me as much in my 50s as He was during my 30s, and 40s, etc.  

"Be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or terrified of them, for the Lord God goes with you, and he will never leave your side." Deuteronomy 31:6

I want to be the best person I can be but at the same time, to not get exploitated or to be taken advantage of. 

I want the good things and forces in life but I fear bullies, not only for myself but for other people. And I fear the Mafia. I think the Mafia stole the thunder from my cartoons and every time I make a cartoon, I don't get money, they get money. It's adownright shitty set-up. Better to be dead than to be in such a set-up, but do I have that option?

Governments and corporations are mafias of one kind or another. Oh! It's hopeless. 

The Mafia has been a part of society during my whole lifetime, decades and decades. I wasn't worried about them then. Why should I worry now? In some offhand way, the Mafia protects the neighborhood. The Mafia plys the less docile trades that because of their complex nature, normal people in society couldn't do it. Trades like gambling casinos, prostitution, drug dealing, all trades like other trades that have a demand and supply. The Mafia respects good people who are trying to be good. They don't respect bad people who are mindlessly bad. If a person is doing bad things they have to fear the Police as well as the Mafia. That's from years of general observation. It's all good. Cosmology. The using of bad as a process to eventually create a greater good. 

I hope that my eventual death, whenever it is in the future is quick and relatively painless if not completely painless. 

I think that a woman has an actual biological need to have a baby as much as men have the biological need to jizz. The need is that strong. And if a woman had her way, a lot of them, not all of them, they would like to have ten babies! 

Think. Anytime someone is brought into this world, they are painted into an existential and physiological corner; one day they must face old age and death, the problem to which all other problems, including this person or that person slighted me in the past, pale in comparison. 

Every day I'm not in pain or in the ICU is a good day. I don't know if I'll still be here in a few years or what will happen to me. 

"You got major thrill issues!" Finding Nemo

Don't get too excited. Well the thing is I have thrill issues and I get excited. Is this good or bad?

Subway Surfers gives me narcolepsy sometimes. I nod off sleepily and keep missing the turns resulting in a crash. It's either a slight narcolepsy or else it's insomnia. In times of insomnia, a slight narcolepsy is a blessing. In times like that, simply have a nap and reset and recharge. 

Today is Monday August 9. I quit weed on Monday August 2nd. The fear and paranoia was earth shattering. I quit smoking tobacco on Wednesday August 4th. Thinking of relapsing, however, until I get rid of my fears of the future and an ever slight food insecurity, I will never again smoke in peace like I used to. Maybe ginkgo biloba and coca leaf tea will help me restore some of my confidence. 

'Love one another today. Tomorrow is not guaranteed. I love you!'

Wall mural in Victoria, BC.

I think that the Police can hear most problems and not be shocked. The Police have seen so many weird and extreme things. Things and knowledge that the general public would simply have no reference points for! I don't know and I don't want to know! 

The Police are public protectors, that's if you choose to live on the good side and to obey the law and to trust and respect the government. Be a good person. Be a normal person. Try to live with honor.

Today, Monday August 9, I got two jars of Sharwood's Chutney. Mango chutney. 

I got Major Grey mango chutney and Bombay Club mango chutney. 

Major Grey chutney gets its name from a 19th Century British Officer who came up with his own variation of chutney. It's really good. 

The Bombay Club chutney tastes very similar but somewhat sweeter. I took the Pepsi challenge on the two chutneys. Chutney has a high, elevated taste and can alleviate depression to some degree. 

I love chutney.

"You can really taste the chutney!" Apu, The Simpsons

On this day, Monday August 9, I went to the walk-in clinic to get some blood-work done. Ostensibly, one can go to www dot myehealth dot ca. But that website doesn't run at all. There are concerns of hackers getting access to medical records and Google cites that as an insecure web site. I wouldn't understand the results fully anyways as I don't have a medical degree - of any kind. 

Today, I bought and drank two cups of coca leaf tea along with a few sprinkles of baking soda which is supposed to accelerate any psychoactive properties. It is supposed to help with fatigue, burnout, and fears of the future. It has a mild effect. 

I relapsed into smoking tobacco due to an unfortunate incident. I had pickled herring. Love it! It's like rollmops but without the cube of pickle in the middle. When I was eating one piece of herring, I also drank the dill pickle brine that goes with it and I accidentally drank a lot going into the airhole, not the esophagus. Lots of fluid in my lungs, I felt it but I could otherwise breathe. When I smoked tobacco as a solution, it worked only too well as I lung-vomited quite a bit of foul discolored liquid. Feeling much better now. This left me with a headache and I haven't had a headache in over two months. But an extra strength Tylenol 500 mg tablet helped. A lot.

I haven't relapsed into smoking marijuana yet. If ever. The paranoia from not smoking for a long time and then smoking again is out of this world! And I fear that. 

I shouldn't really expect to get money from my YouTube cartoons. It's just a hobby. I'm an amateur. Most of not all YouTube videos I favorite and like are unlike my cartoons for the one thing they have in common is that the videos are dialogue rich, except the walking tours of any city videos. My cartoons however have a paucity of dialogue, they are dialogue poor, dialogue anemic. Unless I correct this, my videos will only ever have so much production values and not any more. It's not surprising that I haven't made any money from my cartoons, but who cares? 

What would I do if I had the money. If it was only some money, I'd go to restaurants more. If I was was more money, I'd go to restaurants and travel to Vancouver. If I had the most money, I'd go to restaurants, travel to Vancouver and go on extended trips to England, Thailand and even possibly Poland. And last but not least, Hong Kong and possibly Beijing to see the Forbidden City. And Japan too! That would be on my bucket list.

I kind of thought that it would be nice to see the Egyptian pyramids but the weather there would be too hot and I don't understand the culture or language. I thought of visiting Jerusalem however I fear the violence there, the extreme groups and after seeing Morgan Spurlock's visit to Jerusalem* with those guys in black suits yelling at him, I don't want to go!

*Where In The World is Osama bin-Laden?

Answer: Dead

It's not over once a person is 65. 

I fear turning 60, 65, 70, etc the same way someone in grade 7 fears grade 8 next year being the first year of high school. Or the same way someone in grade eleven fears next year, grade 12, the graduating year or how someone in grade 12 fears the next year being the first year, freshman year at University. All these are irrational fears. 

4 years of University: Freshman, sophomore, senior, graduate. 

"A person fears poverty the same way, although quite irrational as a man fears his first night in prison." George Orwell

Of course back then, prisons weren't as violent as they are now. And Orwell was talking about a lockup in a very small town, not supermax. 

Anyways, over 65 and one is not legally able to work in a restaurant as a dishwasher, waiter, etc. But would one want to work at such a high paced and busy job at that age anyways? 

Over 65, one can volunteer at a rich and socially rewarding place. Over 65, one can start an online business. Over 65, one can do videos on YouTube, or animated cartoons. Ridley Scott and George Miller are in their 70s and they direct better films at this age than they did in the past. Some of their best works were completed at this age. 

I borrowed the movie The Good Liar starring Ian McKellen aka Gandalf the Wizard and Helen Mirren. It is a great movie. Very riveting. Good plot line. Ian McKellen is a financial rip-off guy in this movie trying to rip off Helen Mirren, but as I suspected, Helen Mirren had the jump on him! She outsmarted him! How? Watch and find out. 

Well... After seeing the trailer for Stranger Things 4, I decided to get a Ghostbusters costume for $55 on Amazon. 

Stranger Things. I was introduced to the franchise after installing the Match 3 app. I uninstalled it two days later then I saw someone on the street wearing a Stranger Things t-shirt. I reinstalled it. 

I'm not going to binge watch all 3 Seasons. From what I gather, Stranger Things is about some children who live near a classified government testing facility which tests for aliens, SCPs and unusual psychic powers. This is based on the apocryphal legends of the Montauk Project, MK-Ultra, Area 51, etc.  Whether it's real or not, I doubt it. 

In the story, a kid called 11 is supposed to have major psychic powers including telekinesis and most probably also telepathy. Winona Ryder is the mother of the children and she winds up falling in love with the Police Chief who David Harbour portrays. And this Police Chief is also investigating the strange phenomenons that are happening there. The match 3 game is intensely fun. Good graphics. 

I don't believe in alien conspiracy theories. All that stuff is Freudian wish fulfillment. There's no such things as aliens and psychic powers and SCPs otherwise the News would talk about it and it would be taught in schools.

My number one dream is if I'm ever get a million dollars or even $500,000, I'd want to stay at a surf motel so I can live near the beach. I'd lease the room one year at a time. Chance of this actually happening: 1 in a million. 

My wish. One day I can move to a much better place. Maybe in Sidney, BC or actually Id really like to live really near the Dallas Road beach. Really, I'd rather live at Dallas Road beach than Sidney BC.

Forget about the moon or Mars or any other planet or moon. If that place does not have the EXACT gravity of Earth with perhaps a 1% margin of error, which would be physiologically indistinguishable, a human would get worse and worse health and medical problems the longer they stay there.

That's it. Period. Surely NASA and Elon Musk must have thought of that. 

Last night on Tuesday August 10, I relapsed and I rolled a demi-pinner joint; demi-joint, demi-tase, and I had a teeny tiny toke. Slight paranoia but also relaxing which means the burnout is definitely fading away. For those going through burnout, the first few days feel like absolute hell. I wondered if my brain was turning to blue cheese with rennet running all through it and rotting. Was this going to be forever?! It can last for days. Don't worry. I got over it and you will too. It takes as long to heal as getting a gash in shop class. It will heal! 

Ernest Hemingway used the phrase 'grace under pressure'. During burnout you might be surprised to see yourself functioning very well despite the mental turmoil and crisis. I pushed myself to go to the beach every day where before that, it was pretty much 23 and a half hours a day in my room. 

It wasn't that bad. I learned a lot through watching YouTube videos and also I had lots of fun playing the apps on my tablet. 

"Ooh-hoo-hoo, Jackie Blue

Lives her life from inside of a room

Makes you think that her life is a drag

Ooh Jackie, what fun you have had"

Ozark Mountain Daredevils

Like with Jackie Blue, staying in your room all day doesn't have to be a dour experience. I had fun with YouTube and my tablet. 

The Doobie Brothers One Step Closer is one of the best albums ever recorded. Ever. But there's no accounting for taste. 

My next cartoon is going to be another snowy one again. What were the chances of that? 'The Snow Leopard' and 'Purple Dragonfly' were set in a snowy scene. 

My next cartoon is about a strange creature that resembles a surreal snow giraffe running down a snowy mountainside running away from an avalanche. A scene of skidding of a lake frozen over with an underwater view of spotted trout swimming past. 

The baby snow surreal giraffe winds up at the house of a couple who takes care of it for awhile. To prevent burnout for the characters, the couple will only have to care for the giraffe for a few days, not a few months. The ending is a surreal twist ending that I won't reveal here. I will try to make it somewhat Christmassy. Whatever. 

I still have just one more scene to do in 'The Royal Tie-fighter' cartoon. That's it. 

Why do I do it? To stave off boredom. Other than that, I have a skill set that I'm proud of. My aim is life is to be a good person and to do good things for others as the Lord would have people do. Be good to others and give, not be bad to others and not to take take take from others as that would be just awful!

I feel awful. I relapsed to smoking tobacco again. I just take two to three draws per occasion rather than smoking it right down to the nub. 

The best and most ideal person I imagine I can be is to be rich, live right near a beach with an ocean view and to have a BMW and not to use any substances at all including tobacco, marijuana, alcohol and coca leaf tea. However the reality is that I'm impoverished and have used all the substances listed but only in moderation which is worse than not using it at all according to my ideal. Oh what the heck. I'm an artist. Lots of artists use whatever substances. However these substances cost money and cut into the food budget.

As for eating, undereating to a moderate degree won't kill anyone. Every year at Ramadan, Muslims don't eat or drink anything from sunrise to sunset. You would think that this would cause medical problems but websites say it doesn't. It even improves their health slightly!

Over-eating to some degree isn't bad either. Lots of people have a slight pot belly from eating at buffets and food courts at the mall all the time. They seem fine! 

The idea is the stomach is a cycle. Eat to the point of feeling full. Then give the stomach an opportunity to completely empty and stay empty for a couple to a few hours. This gives the stomach a chance to rest. Never giving the stomach a chance to rest in this way can cause gastrointestinal issues which could be a catalyst for depression. 

A lot of depression stems from GI issues then one uses their left brain to tack some idea on to it like the future is hopeless etc. resulting in depression. 

I'm crazy. There's no way around it. I wish I were more normal but everyday, I come up with more crazy words. I wish I wasn't so crazy. I'm disappointingly crazy to myself. 

I hope I'm not mentally ill. Maybe to some degree. I hope I don't get institutionalized. 

Vancouver is now going after a string of sexual assaults. How sanctimonious! Never mind that people are dying of fentanyl overdoses. And the dealers that peddle that filth. That shit doesn't stop. Ever. Never mind that people are dying from lack of good standard housing. Never mind the increase in Vancouver of property crimes. Priorities. Priorities. 

Thank you to the Vancouver Police for keeping the streets safe. Vancouver's Finest.

The Vancouver Police protected me lots when I was there.

I wrote this article in a way to be memorable. Women stay safe. There is no excuse for that. A man should be first and foremost a gentleman.

YouTube comment: "Whites run things from top to bottom including banking, technology, legal system and government." 

My response to that would be, "How's that working out for you? Let's see, lethal spikes in global warming, people dying of opiate overdoses in record numbers, increase in suicide and also PTSD, generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression, chronic housing shortages, forest fires burning down entire towns, the pernicious human species using the ocean simultaneously as a pantry and a toilet,  and so many species going extinct."

Well done.

I would also say that as a response to, "The Chinese run things in China from top to bottom."and "East Indians run things in India from top to bottom." Again, how the hell is that working out for you?

YouTube comment. The government shut down hospitals but overlooked the creation of housing as a social strategy. The country is a window dressing. High ideals while also chronically underfunding basic necessities like housing and health care. 

The government is really talented at shit like that. 

University students can't find housing.

Best to move to another and better country. 

Of course, haha, the government doesn't fund housing. Housing funds them! Getting kickbacks from shady dodgy speculation deals and over inflated housing. The government excels at that. Who votes these jokers in office? Of course in the government's mind, they think they nailed it. Do they think they deserve to be in office? They're in the pocket of their corporate handlers. Long ago, they sold themselves out to some darker forces. 

This is not finished. This is a work in progress.

There is a lady in my hotel. The landlord actually thinks she's dying. So much so he wrote her a note asking her to list her next of kin. 

He's fighting tooth and nail with the nurses who visit her and the medical industry to get her moved into assisted living, writing strongly worded letters. The medical industry is whoop whoop fucking retarded! Fucking blindingly blitheringly retarded! They visit her and barely do any work. They visit her for five minutes and sign some book. What can you say about that? Unionized medical employees featherbedding, goldbricking, dogfucking, opportunism. Why were the chances of that?  That's a meal ticket for them. They are young, but are they that ignorant and inexperienced? 

70% vaccinated yet the news talks about the most cases since the pandemic began. Mathematically, that's pushing it. More fuzzy math. What were the chances of that? Some guy got killed when he questioned the CIA's math.

Mathematically, that doesn't even make sense. It's a mathematical oxymoron. 70% vaccinated. All these months of masks and social distancing yet highest case numbers since the pandemic began?! Bullshit!  Bullshit! Bullahit! What a bunch of bare faced liars!

Weather so hot. Why? Could cutting down half of the rainforest in Brazil have something to do with it? Whose brilliant idea was that?! Nice going, Einstein.

The human species is a virus on this Earth. 

Afghanistan = Shit Show 2021. Also, Brain Drain 2021. 

To say that Afghanistan is a shit show is an understatement. 

Afghanistan is overrun by an anachronistic regressionary paramilitary cult, the Taliban or else the lower bottom of the barrel end of the sand nigger spectrum.

The military pulled out after plundering all the resources it could as the military is a hybrid model of socialist government subsidies and capitalist for profit corporation. 

The optics remind me of Cambodia, Phnom Penh 1975. 

What happened then was five years of bullshit then the Vietnamese army invaded and liberated them in 1980. 

A possible equivalent would be the Pakistani army with covert Russian support of course invading Afghanistan to liberate them. For a price. All those who hold the keys to the transfer of power, passcodes etc have long gotten the fuck out of there. 

All things must pass. Change is the only constant. 

For years, Afghanistan helped the Americans fight the Russians. Then Afghanistan helped the Russians fight the Americans. This is what you get when you play both ends against the middle.

What a fucking shit show! And I thought I had problems!

Is Afghanistan about to go from being a de jure state to being a de facto state?

What now? Surgical strikes? Tactical nukes?

Sherlock Holmes, A Study In Scarlet. Dr Watson had been in Afghanistan as a military doctor. Not much has changed as Afghanistan is still going through some military issues.

Update: Up until a couple of days ago, Afghanistan was fucked. Today, it's totally fucked. 

Taliban forces took the capital city Kabul establishing some weird provisional government. Would they eventually have elections? How often and what would that look like?  Would they draft a constitution? What about Ministers and portfolios? OK no opposition parties since they're a dictatorship. What about ambassadors? Taking over a government is one thing. Running it with its million and one details is another. Would they make their own currency and what would it be worth? A million Taliban Afghani bucks to one American dollar?

This looks like a classic textbook pariah state which is a few levels worse than a de facto state. It will implode.

The President and the political executive staff as well as the legislative and judicial personnel have all left the country. It's game over! They're fucked! They're doomed! All hope is lost. 

God help them. 

What the fuck they'll be a de facto state like Transnistria or Pridnestrovia.

Afghanistan is President Joe Biden's Benghazi.

Since it goes without saying that the US will place sanctions on Afghanistan now, the only thing, ironically, that the ultra fundamentalist religious cult, the Taliban has left is to acetylize the raw opium made from poppy fields to refined heroin which it can sell to international underworld drug dealers. 

Now is the more challenging phase for the Taliban. Months of not years of internal fighting to come, over who is going to emerge as the Supreme Leader, bureaucratic infighting and professional jealousies being what they are. Let them kill each other off. What do we care?

Under the hard scrabble, Dogpatch scofflaw rulership of the Taliban, a person could do someone in and not get any time in prison for it. 

Any law enforcement in Afghanistan would be on the mode of Afghani or Pakistani secret police, undercover police hitmen killing off a few key Taliban members and then the assumption would be that one of the other Taliban did it. Law enforcement?  That doesn't go away. Ever.

The US army abandoned Afghanistan. I don't blame them. The US doesn't throw good money after bad. 

The Leadership and the last few Presidents of Afghanistan were all toothless, and like you can say about any politician, all clearly incompetent, sleazy, venal, ignorant, unqualified, sleazy, airheads, semi-educated opportunists, in over their heads, out of their depths and general all around fucking assholes. Don't call them corrupt as they're so twisted that they actually like that. And like all of us, they made their bed now they must lay in it. Afghanistan gets what it deserves. Afghanistan is now a barbaric mess! Fourth World country. 

Nobody really cares about Afghanistan, a country that has run itself into the ground. 

The President of Afghanistan makes a speech first thanking those who made sacrifices defending their land and then made a renewed committment to providing security forces for his country. And then, ha ha, he goes into exile just like King Norodom Sihanouk exiled himself when the shit hit the fan in Cambodgia. Fucking typical! 

That's the short game. The long game would suggest that the wily Afghanistan government is playing a game of chess or else Goh with the Taliban. Chess was invented in that region, more or less. And God knows they won't reveal their cards. It's not over. Not by a long shot. 

Shitshowistan.

It is unknown to what extent PMCs or private military contractors like the Blackwater company is operating in Afghanistan.

Computer technology is fucking retarded! I punch in some words into YouTube search and it brings up the most batshit crazy and irrelevant videos. You call that an algorithm?! Shit algorithm. 

The auto complete feature of the tablet brings up the most annoyingly bat-shit crazy and irrelevant words as suggestions for auto complete.

I think I'm crazy. I want to be as normal as possible. Not crazy. I'm always writing crazy things. I'm sorry that I'm so crazy.

YouTube comment: Jared Leto's Joker is a normal man trying to be crazy.  Joaquin Phoenix's Joker is a crazy man trying to be normal.

Yesterday, I tried monk fish, steamed then fried with pouring hot oil over the steamed fish with green onion and ginger all throughout. Then add soy sauce.

First add sliced scallions or green onion and ginger to a piece of fish. Cover and steam. Then remove the gr onions and ginger that's there and replace with fresh slices of scallions and ginger. Heat up some oil, covered with a lid. When the oil starts to sizzle and pop, pour over the fish with the gr onions and ginger. Then add soy sauce to that. This is a great recipe. A variation is to add black bean paste before the pouring on the hot oil part. 

To be served with rice. What a meal!

The elegant formal way is to eat the rice separately with the fish dish. I'm a zoner. I just pour the whole fish dish onto the rice. That's only when I'm alone and don't need to care about etiquette and formality. 

This recipe is only good with any fish with white meat. I never tried it on red meat fish like salmon and some species of trout. 

Trout is best fried with butter and a sprinkle of dill weed and salt and pepper. 

I have to get Dr Scholl's plantar fasciitis insoles. Dr Scholls is a big brand name. A man can use Dr Scholl's women if they have smaller feet like me. A woman can use Dr Scholls men if they have larger feet. Absolutely! The internet said so. 

Still struggling with smoking. But only 2-3 draws per smoke so it's not as bad as it could be.

Saturday, August 14, 2021. I went to the beach this morning. Then I had lunch and an alcoholic drink at a fine elegant Inn near the beach. It is a very beautiful Inn built early in the last century. I had a really good time and it made me very happy to be there. 

In the afternoon, while working on my latest cartoon, I had a toke of marijuana. Then the usual gripping paranoid thoughts. Life is surreal and overwhelming. How did I last as as long as I did? Why am I always so scared when I smoke weed?  

A couple of hours later, I feel fine. 

I've been alive for over 50 years. Why would life all of a sudden seem so strange and alien to me? It's the same life and being alive as ever. 

Maybe I should quit smoking. Nah. I'll just do it every so often. Doing it too often is addictive and expensive. Although I've been able to keep my finances together despite my needs and wants. 

Two months ago, I really feared the future and doubted if I'd make it through to the next month. Turns out, the last two months were total rockshow! Trips to the beach, excellent meals at excellent nice elegant places, friendly understanding people. This is a great town. I wouldn't want to leave. Despite what I wrote earlier, there are lots of people whom I love very much in this town and would greatly miss if I ever leave.

Ghastly and wretched. I can't name the hotel. However searching the internet, it said that the artist Emily Carr died there in what is now the men's washroom in the pub. Located a block from where she was born. When I went there, the pub was completely empty. I was asked if I wanted to sit in the restaurant or the pub. At first I said the pub but then since it was completely empty, I chose the restaurant which was crowded. I said I'd sit in the pub next time. Not knowing. 

Lots of people visited the place and nothing happened. It's good enough to stay open. 

I'd sure visit again. It's very beautiful. I thought of getting a job there working in the kitchen as a dishwasher. However I'm also thinking of working at another restaurant as a scullery man or dishwasher. 

The Emily Carr rabbit hole. One way to get through depression etc whatever, is to find a new rabbit hole. Emily Carr didn't become famous until she was 57. She lived a very difficult life. She had a tough time in London England when she was there. Already suffering from a sore foot, someone hit her with a broomstick resulting in her getting a toe amputated. 

Her painting style is very unique and beautiful as she refused to imitate anyone else and to do her own art style. 

She found London crowded and some people were very mean to her. That doesn't surprise me. Now I don't want to go to London but why would I have to? I'm not a famous artist. My art is so and so. There's a lot of artists who are better than me on DeviantArt etc. Most of not all tattoo artists in this town are better than me let alone in the world. 

Sunday, August 15.  The Delta variant is 100x more contagious than the original coronavirus. The Lamda variant is 100x more contagious than the Delta variant. Well, it's been a slice. Looks like we're all dead! Or else restrictions returning and going and then returning like an on off switch for years.

What it will mean is more vaccinations, one more, even two more booster shots which means money for the pharmaceutical companies. 

Some towns and or countries are over-rated. Some towns and or countries are under-rated.

As for the lockdowns, people who travel tend to stay longer than they used to. Staycations being the tendency. The government knows that you know that they know that you know that some countries or even cities are better for you than others even if it's not the country or city that you are in. Thug agenda. Tow the local backwater line.

Never mind country, even moving to another city and not returning for years if ever is a threat to local civic government gangsta sensibilities. These backwater cities that think they're the center of the Universe want to co-opt you into their weird bullshit fishbowl existence because misery loves company. It's not where you want to go, it's where you're at. And that's a bit of a threat to them. Most countries want to co-opt you forever even if it's a backwater regressionary country. 

Lockdowns is a way to control immigration namely the mass immigration of people from third world countries to Germany etc like you saw a few years ago.

Also big companies get bigger and smaller companies get smaller and it's also impossible to do a start up business, thus killing the competition.

No, that's not true either as every year, millions decide to move to another country and never come back.  

The bullshit never ends. There is no future for anyone. 

Lamda variant, Tri-Lamda-Lamda, the all Black fraternity from Revenge of the Nerds.

I don't have the strength for any of this. My soul is weary. That will cause my death, I think. 

I don't know if I'll be around in a year, let alone ten years later. Life is scary, surreal and overwhelming. 

Heat waves coming every summer from now on up to 40 degrees Celsius or more. Forest fires burned down 1/8th of British Columbia, Delta Variant, Lamda variant, Afghanistan is fucking over, finished. Real estate prices getting more and more hyperinflated with no end in sight, ever. Food prices inflation forever. I'm glad I didn't have any children. What world would they be left with. As soon as any child turns 18, hyper inflated real estate prices unreachable to them forever. Not good days. The future is bleak. 

Like Orwell wrote, wake up on the morning remembering an unpleasant detail from yesterday. Every morning I remember some weird shit awful ghastly wretched detail from the News. Forest fires burning all those towns down, evacuation orders. At this rate, I wonder if I'll even be around in a year. I doubt I'd make it to ten years later. 

"You think too much. That's why you get scared." Cocoon, movie

Canadian election called for September 20th. In the midst of a pandemic. Not bad. 

Trudeau seems the least scariest of the three. Otherwise O'Toole looks very scary. Jagmeet Singh and the NDP. The NDP are fucking losers. An NDP person has been in charge of Vancouver's Downtown Eastside for the last 30 years and that neighborhood has only steadily ever gotten worse and worse and worse. Totally run to the fucking ground. Any requests the airhead NDP politician requests for that neighborhood gets stonewalled because of the NDPs loser status. I hate the fucking NDP. 

BC is NDP country. Why? Didn't it start in Saskatchewan and not BC with Tommy Douglas as the original leader?

Elections aren't won along National lines of Prime Ministerial celebrity. They are won along local lines of neighborhood fiefdom which explains why this neighborhood has steadily voted NDP opting for an NDP, bizarre, MP for the last 40 years. I'd vote for Team Trudeau but in this neighborhood, that's throwing away your vote. 

Trudeau, I'd normally vote for because he legalized marijuana.  Smoking pot now scares the shit out of me every time now and I get as paranoid as hell. So that's no longer an issue. Otherwise the usual to be expected chronic underfunding of housing and healthcare as usual coming down the pike if Trudeau gets elected and even more so if one of the other jokers O'Toole or Jagmeet Singh gets voted in. 

Yeah, then you got Annamie Paul of the Green Party and Yves-Francois Blanchet of the Parti Quebecois, like fuck they're ever going to be the governing party. Fringe vote.

The future is scary.

All the NDP would say is, "Losers? Well you would know something about that wouldn't you, what it means to be a loser." Ha ha.

I have never been so cynical and skeptical of politics. Any one of them I vote for will be absolutely fricking useless when it comes to the housing crisis and ever escalating house prices, rental prices and vacancy in general. 

Hong Kong is even more mismanaged and a venal, hyper Type A personality collective has run it to the ground. What were the chances of that? Most people there live in cage homes. HK = Hong Kage. At least in the walled city, they had small apartments all to themselves. I doubt anyone on this planet including myself would ever want to move to Hong Kong. I couldn't blame them!

During times of National crisis, what the government fears most is public anger. What elections are is a signal from the public that they have basically acquiesced and acceeded to a clique of politicians getting a blank cheque for four years at another go at the public trough which would be the opposite of public opprobrium. Meanwhile for the people who were born here and worked here all their life, real estate is a distant dream because politicians like to profit off speculation from speculators overseas. Not that locals are that much better. It's very common for locals to collect real estate. It's not good enough for them to own one house, they have to own two, three, four. How sleazy is that? That's their mentality. The landlord slumlord mentality. Either way you lose. Speculation is speculation whether it's from locals or people overseas. 

The difference between local and offshore speculators is that local speculators get all kinds of government incentives and subsidies like a first time homeowners grant and offshore speculators are subject to a speculation tax similar to how local University students get a reduced and partially subsidized tuition while overseas students pay much more for tuition. 

Offshore speculators often get balked for the out of control real estate prices, deflecting and throwing shade off of the local venal slumlords who are just as hyper and sleazy if not more. Voting in elections is absolutely useless because it does nothing to change this. 

Politicians do a very important job. They are not to blame for something that has been going on for centuries, namely the housing crisis. Vote in the elections. Politicians are necessary in society and should be respected and admired. Their job is a tough job because there is no pleasing everybody. All problems wither under the glare of good government.

It is easy to be pessimistic and to have a cynical view of politicians. I know I have! This is wrong. Politicians are people to look up to. They are the protectors and guardians of a better society. Trust politicians. 

Politics is never a finished picture but always a work in progress to something better. 

The sore in my left nostril is still there. I went to see two doctors about it and they said that nothing is wrong. It's still sore and aching especially after I sign around and scratch at it vigorously. I'm convinced that I'll be dead from this. I won't be around in ten years. I even wrote a letter to an ear nose throat doctor about this. No reply. He doesn't care if I die. 

I'm over 50. I'll never have any children. But I'm supposed to think of that still? Even being over 50? The internet said only 1% of men have children over 50. I'll side with the majority on this one. After 50, I'm reprieved from the bullshit of ever having children. 

I don't care if I ever get married. Only 9% of marriages don't end in divorce which is the other side of the coin of seeing the happy couple on the street. Real estate isn't the same as it was 40 years ago. Why would marriage and relationships be the same as it was 40 years ago and like with the real estate situation, it has gotten worse. Most marriages are saturated with narcissist, glaslighting, power struggles, and relationship burnout and if it leads to having children, then parental burnout would most likely follow. Uh, no thanks! Getting it on. Once I did it a few times and know what it's like, it's the same tawdry experience over and over again and with a unique specific set of worries attached to it. Either get some ghastly wretched STD or else be on the hook for child support 9 months later. Uh, no thanks!  I am going to be single for the rest of my life and I can accept that. Some of the happiest people are single.  Actually I don't know if I'll still be around in one year, let alone in ten years. With narcissists, no-contact is the best and only way to go. No contact with narcissists = freedom. Like a YouTube comment said, I don't have time for useless friendships, meaningless acquaintances and relationships that go nowhere. 

Some ladies make my heart sing. Other ladies, like the narcissist, I don't feel anything for, it's like a dead stone dropped into a cold lifeless sea. I really couldn't care less. 

Fiamos Italian restaurant in town has a pizza called The Dr Bonnie Henry with roast chicken, roast peppers, smoked cheese, herbs and olives and a stethoscope right in the center. All right there's no stethoscope, so we suffer another day. I'm willing to try it in a couple of weeks and to give it a gourmet prognosis.  It will most likely be very very good. 

I got a pair of Acu-Reflex orthotic slippers. I found them on the street. What a miracle! 

Google News feed is fucking useless. Mostly bait and switch. Start reading the article then a pop-up prompts you to either sign up or subscribe with a monthly payment. Fuck off with Google's weird shit algorithms! Bullshit shit! Anyways, Google is dying. 

Life After Google, The fall of big data and the rise of the block-chain economy; George Gilder. 

Instead of focusing on the advantages of Vancouver and London and the disadvantages of this town, I'd rather focus on the advantages of this town and the disadvantages of Vancouver and London.

This town has a slower pace of life. This town doesn't have the downtown Eastside bullshit like Vancouver does, is this town feels more like a normal town. This town, unlike Vancouver doesn't have any memories with my shit parents. London is way too crowded, way too sprawling, filled with angry crazy British crazy people and way way too overpriced.

Tuesday, August 17, 2021. My fears and anxiety returned. I am nearly broke in my bank account. I doubt I'll be able to survive a week until welfare cheque day.

I see nothing but doom for my future. When I was 20 I should have been told, "You'll spend the next 30 years on welfare. You'll hardly ever get laid and go years on end without getting laid." That would be true and would be a shit future. Which actually happened. No wonder I fear the future. 

I am still chained to that handicapped girl. I have to pick up her slack, I have to pick up her tail ends. She is profoundly retarded, lazy and feeble and stubbornly so. I get guilt tripped and emotionally blackmailed to helping her. It could be like this indefinitely as the landlord has failed to prompt the medical industry to et her moved into assisted living as the medical industry is anemic and retarded. So I am tethered to this thing indefinitely. With her, the last few years of my life went down the drain. 

What I do like about her is that she is very mellow. Despite her problems which are worse than mine, she doesn't fear the future for even a second. She always tells me that I'm ok, I'll be fine and I don't have to fear the future. I often blurt out, "I'm fucked in the head!" And she always says, "No you're not." A classic love hate relationship.

She clearly needs to be in assisted living as she never ever does any chores for herself to the point of her room always turning into a pig sty. 

There is no good future. If she moves into assisted living, there will be sadness. If she stays and I'm always having to face her again, I'm a dancer, I go to the beach, I'm an artist animated cartoonist and writer and then I have to face her again and work for her. I don't have to but I get guilt tripped into working for her. My future is fucked and I'm doomed. I hope that God puts me out of my misery and sends me the Angel of Death. Except I will most likely be reborn on Earth and this is a shitty planet to exist on, so many problems, this is a scary planet to live on. 

I hope she gets sent to assisted living. Working for her is really killing my chi, it fucks up my cool. I'm a dancer who visits the beach but then I always have to work for that lady? She has a very depressing vibe because of her laziness and retardation. I am so so so afraid that I'll never be able to shake her. However Sadhguru said that you never know when the last time you'll see someone is. 

My fear is that my future will be steeped in loneliness and poverty. 

Maybe a sniper can shoot me. It would be a weird day but it would soon be gotten over with and it would circumvent years of poverty and loneliness. Nothing changes. I never get laid and neither do most of the people I associate with, is my neighbors in my hotel. 

Please pray to God to either help me or to end my life. 

When I was 18, I was hoping to marry a beautiful Chinese wife. My life turned out to be the shits and I'm not sure that I want to go on living.

I'll probably never be happy ever again!

Meanwhile as the News said, real estate prices are rising rising and many professionals can barely afford to live where they are. The future is bleak. 

Great Expectations, Bleak House. More like Bleak Expectations, Great House.

Sunday, August 15, I walked past some place and thought what if now was zero minute. I'll pretend that I committed suicide right then. I'll see if the future has any moments that are so great that I would regret committing suicide then. Today on Tuesday the 17th, a glimmer of hope. I got to hug a dear lady friend of whom the last time I hugged her was in early March 2020. A hug is all I ever get. It's not like I got laid or anything like that. My life is plodding on as hopelessly as ever. I'm clearly better off dead. 

Is there a place where I can just commit suicide and end my life? I should score some heroin and just overdose. I won't do it, but the thought is there and it's a wrong thought. Why must my fucking mind be so goddamned crazy?!

I might apply for a part time job. Money means more disposable income and a chance to be a tourist in my own town. I could stay overnight at some local hotels which the rate is less than $200 a night. I would bring my tablet but would the place have wifi? Wifi means my data could be stolen. I wouldn't use wifi for my tablet then. I'd play apps that can be used offline like solitaire, offline running games like Subway Surfer and Princess Runner.  

I got an Emily Carr book at a really good price. $9 usual price $15. I got The House of All Sorts. Her other books, The Book of Small and Klee Wick are her other books. The Book Of Small is about her life as a child. Not interesting to me. Klee Wick is also about her young life before she made it big as an artist. The House of All Sorts is about her life after she got famous but is mainly about her life as a landladyof a house, serving her tenants and any burnout that might have resulted from that. 

In the next few years, we can 'look forward' to Queen Elizabeth dying. Which must add to the overall depression index.

My life is truly fucked. I generate a certain kind of energy and I have all these personalities who generate another and worse kind of energy in return. I have this lazy feeble retard whom I constantly get guilt tripped and however much I resolve not to, I always get guilt tripped and relapse into working for her. Of course she does absolutely no work for me. I hope she gets moved into assisted living. My landlord said that it's his aim in life to get her moved into assisted living. With the landlord talking the way he does, I wonder how long it will be before she moves into assisted living?

I have one guy living next to me who likes to feed mice and pigeons. I don't feed mice and pigeons so naturally that's what life gives back to me. 

Another guy living next to me has a scary case of bursitis on his elbow. I generate health and that's the energy I get in return. Some freaky scary shit. 

Then more bad Feng Shui. I have an obese woman living directly across from me. I generate slickness, health and so life has to give that shit to me in return. Sometimes I wake up, open the door to leave and then that's when I see her leaving her room directly across from me. Shudder. Ugh! 

I can't and won't kill myself. I have to go on living. Despite all these people weighing me down.   How long do I have to go on living? 

Meanwhile the news is saturated with all these scary weird shit stories of more focus cases, forest fires burning down the Province and then Afghanistan. Oh God! Do I have anything to live for?!

Sure some of these folks have their issues. Who doesn't? But they are also very very good people. There is a tremendous amount of goodness in them. I really admire them for not being so freaked out about an assumed and doomed future like I am. They are bright people with calm happy spirits. I am the more blessed for having met and for knowing them.

I am going on a tourist's pilgrimage to visit The House of All Sorts in Victoria BC. This is the house the Emily Carr book is referring to. Reading the book, she was a landlord of this house who didn't suffer fools gladly. Constant fights and disagreements often over the littlest things with tenant after tenant. In terms of its depiction of troubles and a hard life, this ranks right up there with Orwell's Down and Out in Paris and London.

The house of all sorts. My drawings.

The Journey to Being Happy

I have to pull myself out of this existential hole of depression and find my way to being happy, possibly for the first time in my life. I have always experienced situational depression. Tom Cruise in the movie The Last Samurai, when the movie ended, he found happiness in 1800s Japan that had eluded him all his life. 

It doesn't take a move to Japan or Asia but it just might. 

Today's Asia is very different than it was in the 1800s. 

Being happy means being thankful for the little things. Money doesn't make one less depressed. It just makes one go on shopping sprees, picking up things and then returning home feeling as empty as ever. 

I am thankful for my big screen television and the internet connection which opens one up to a World of learning. I am thankful for the friends I see every so often. I am thankful to be able to live near a beach I can walk to. I am thankful that my pain is mostly mental and not physical. I am thankful for the Presbyterian and the Catholic Churches which has provided me with lots of spiritual friends. I am thankful for these friends and although most of them are street people, sometimes street people can be the most spiritual because of the hardships they endure or else in spite of them. I am thankful that if I find a part time job, I can have disposable income for travelling and restaurant meals. I am thankful for the people of this town, even seeing them has often pulled me out of a difficult spot. 

Negative gratitude. I am thankful not to be in a hospital. I am thankful my life isn't much worse than it is.  I am thankful that I am not living in some trouble spot depicted on the News although I sometimes pray for the people there and really wish and hope that they can pull through whatever difficulty they are going through. 

I am happy that I have the personality to pick up garbage that can be potential slipping hazards or road hazards for cars. I like to think that I prevented at least one major mishap that might have otherwise occurred. 

Every day, I should remember to be grateful for things so I might write this repetitively which is better than writing about depressing things repetitively. 

I sometimes wonder about my brain and what I am attracted to. There is an old lady always holding a cane. She is bald and her name is Gail. She doesn't care a thing about me though. Unrequited love. Classic case. The other day, after talking to her, I went home and masturbated vigorously thinking about her. My heart sang and I had a vision of flowing flowers when I did. I imagined her lying on top of me naked, me holding her ass and stroking her legs before we finally did it. I would come inside of her and she'd really like it. She looks pretty old and I am never sure if this is the last year I will ever see her. 

However, often the fantasy is better than the reality.

I have a thing for old bitches. I don't know if I should see a psychiatrist about this or not.

I doubt I'm the only one who is into old bitches as I routinely see the word 'hot' in the comments section of xhamster granny porn videos. Being over 50 and not rich, the only women in their 20s I could score with is a prostitute - for money. I like women of all ages but I do have a thing for old bitches 60 and over. This is what being happy is to me.

I would be happier if I could score with some old bitches. The selection is greater in Vancouver and if things don't improve here. I might move back to Vancouver in a couple of years. Or I might not. 

My 55" RCA 4k TV was flickering. I was watching regular cable news. Troubleshoot. I turned off, that is unplugged my digital cable box. Plugged it in again and after rebooting, the flickering was still there. I put it on my Blu ray player still flickering with built-in YouTube. So I then unplugged my television for ten minutes. Plugged it in again. Good as new. No flickering. 

It's on built-in YouTube now. No flickering at all. The flickering was in the form of these weird white glitchy patches that come and go very quickly again and again.

My digital cable box is fucked. It's unplugged now. For how long? Who knows. I'll try it again tomorrow.

I would settle for a 1080p 40" television. That's my minimum standard although 4k is very nice. I thought I had to get a replacement. Nope. Works good. It's like NASA things. Repairable from a distance!

The old digital cable box from SHAW is being phased out. I had to return my old digital cable box and upgrade to a new 511 tv box which is being sent through the mail. I also had to mail in my old digital cable box. 

Friday the 20th. I got my cable box but the time was three hours ahead and No Content Available on all channels. I had to go back to SHAW cable. They gave me a number to call. I went back to my apartment and used the hotel office phone. They asked me to unplug and replug in my cable box and they would send a signal from their end. I did that. I was on the point of giving up. So many details! However, soon after, all is well. My television works good again. Like Douglas Bloch said, "Don't give up five minutes before the miracle." 

My life is crazy enough. Why does it have to get even crazier? I am referring to the lucid dreams that I have. The Catholics are right. Limbo is real. Limbo has the crazy 5th dimensional physics. Whereas heaven is all positive and happy, limbo has positive and negative possibilities. Relativity applies in all dimensions as how can one know the positive unless one knows the negative? That energy profile transcends time, space, and dimensions. So whether I'm alive, dreaming or dead in the afterlife, there is no getting away from the crazy and the negative. Wherever I am, I'll be always fucked.  

My waking life is crazy enough. Why do I have to have crazy dreams to add to the crazy index of overall existence? 

Victoria BC. Saanich, North. Legislative Building, South. Then Oak Bay and Esquimalt, East and West respectively. How to remember? West-quimalt Esquimalt is in the West.

At this point, I think it is impossible for me to be happy ever again. At my age, I've seen it all, done it all and lived it all. There is nothing new under the sun. Perhaps it is all relative. How can one know happy unless they have experienced sadness or else depression? Slightly mildly depressed is the default state especially in this day and age with all the strange stories in the News.

Scary factoid. Heroin wrecks a person's inner organs so the organs of a person who died of a heroin overdose is unreusable. However, fentanyl does not wreck a person's organs and often a person who died of a fentanyl overdose is chopped up and their organs are reused. 

*Source YouTube. Video title: Arts Preventing Overdoses in the DTES.

Friday, August 20, 2021. Life is so surreal. At over 50, I think life is scary. 

I just had the most lucid dream about England. I don't know how England would be in real life if I went there. Emily Carr went to England and she had a very bad time. Her paintings were not recognized and she got sent to a sanitarium due to what is known as a variety of names, PTSD, panic attack, burnout. anxiety disorder, etc.

I fear the future because of the pandemic and also the crippled lady. She is going to be a spectre in my life for some time to come. 

Also those panhandlers are very aggressive and relentless. I did see something like that ten years ago. There was a group called 'Because I am a girl'. This new group is called CNIB. There is one Chinese guy who always is walking up to me and asking for money. I reported him to the security guards of the downtown mall that he usually stands outside of. The security guards said it wasn't their jurisdiction as they only handle problems from within the mall. I said that I am going to report that Chinese guy to the Police. However I haven't because as soon as I say, "No thanks." to him, he usually walks away. Two days ago on Wednesday, he looked right at me! I gave him an angry look and put on an angry posture, clenching my fists. He didn't talk to me then, however, even though, that was the day I reported him to the mall security guards.

I asked a friend, and he said, "They do that to everybody! They just walk right up to you. They're relentless. Just say, not interested, and walk on."

If the Chinese guy bothers me again and he just might, I will tell the Police. Whether it's security guards or the Police, they usually say that they can't do much or even anything about it. But that's just what they tell you. If they can or will do something about it, it's not something they'd discuss with you! 

I started reading Emily Carr's The Book of Small. I really couldn't get into it. It's all about her early childhood. Oh gawd! How old was she when she wrote the book? 71 years old when it was published. How accurate is one's recall of childhood at that age? Why would she even bother to recall? The worst adulthood saturated with rooming house existence, cheap alcohol and a mild drug habit with late nights watching television is better than the best childhood riddled with verbal abuse and physical chastisement with dweebs, flakes and crackpots as parents or else people who thought that they would try their bungling semi-educated hand at parenting with less than ideal and satisfying results for either party, especially the children. I've read lots of YouTube comments from young teenagers who couldn't wait to turn 18 and to get the hell out of there, that is living with their fucking asshole parents. Few parents are enlightened University educated parents who give honest answers to all questions. The House of All Sorts, the house of all whores, whatever, is a far better and more bracing read. 

Worry is inevitable. The human brain is a monkey mind in a lot of ways. 

A lot of worry comes from comparison and imagination, but these same things that get most people into worry patterns can get us out of it. 

Comparison to someone seemingly better can make one feel worse. Comparison to someone seemingly worse can make one feel better. Seemingly because you don't know the whole story. The rich person might have some secret issue like a weird non obvious disease. The handicapped person may at all times be way less worried about things overall than you are and have a loving family or circle of friends that lots of people don't. 

One can not know light without knowing darkness and vice versa. Worry means that you once knew something better. Even if it was just slightly better, that slightly can mean all the difference. 

Make molehills out of mountains, rather than make a mountain out of a molehill. For eg, I once had an awful job and memories of it leave me reeling. However, depressing as that job was, at no point did I ever have to work more than two hours a day at most at that job, however most days, I was working less than an hour. Pay attention to any minimalist time signatures. And in this particular case, the employer of that job was never ever verbally abusive, which is more than I can say for other jobs. 

Things could be worse. Buddha said that. He said if a person was verbally abused, at least they weren't violently assaulted. If they were assaulted, at least they weren't killed. If they were killed, the event probably went quickly and they didn't know what was going on for a person dies only once. And even then they probably went to heaven for the vast majority of people make it to heaven, according to spiritual books. 

Think of things you look forward to doing. Even if it's something relatively trivial like playing an app or watching a YouTube video or reading a book. It doesn't have to be something as grand as a first class all expense paid trip including a four or even five star hotel. 

Don't have food or eating anxieties. Eat when hungry. One doesn't have to eat everything in one's fridge. It isn't a homework assignment. Throw it away if it's been in the fridge for too long even if you paid over $10 for the meal because like cars, the value of food depreciates over time. If you don't quite feel like eating just now, put it off for an hour or two or three. A little bit of undereating or overeating isn't harmful. 

Change is the only constant. Life shifts into endless cycles like biorhythm. Create and troughs, none are permanent. Good times can cause complacency which can lead to bad times. Bad times forces one to learn and beware and to pay attention leading to a more developed skillset which leads to good times. Wash, rinse, repeat. Nothing is permanent. People in one's life including oneself usually depart just as suddenly as they have arrived.

The good people in one's life and the bad people too. They come and go. 

I used to think that the days go slow but the years go fast. Heck, the days go pretty fast too! Problems they may come and go, But every year, there's the winter's know if not winter snow.

God bless you and may the force be with you.

Make gratitude a habit. I am thankful that I am relatively healthy or healthy enough. I am thankful that in have the internet. Last but not least, I am thankful for the friends that I have. I see them every day. Not all friends on all days. However every day, I see a few of them. I am thankful that Jesus is in my life guiding me and protecting me. However I'll leave it at that because I don't want to sound like a holy roller. Whatever one believes is fine. May it guide and protect them. 

Last night, I had a relapse of my burnout and PTSD. I don't know if I have the strength to go on. However, I have to. I will live one day at a time, even five minutes at a time if I have to. 

I fear the pandemic extension. I fear the horror stories on the News that even those double vaccinated could still get covid. 

Like Emily Carr said of one of her tenants in The Book of Small, I tried to never get my tenant a gift every month. However every month I wind up doing it. I like her. Or words to that effect. 

I try to never work for that handicapped girl again but I always wind up feeling sorry for her. I'm weak. She will be the death of me. 

Another lady I try not to see. Sue. But everywhere I see Sue-signs. Even the singer at church is named Susie as listed on the Church service pamphlet. 

I tried to avoid her last week but then on that day, I see someone wearing a Sue-perman, Superman t-shirt and I wind up going to see her again. I am so weak. This is a form of self hypnosis. 

She will be the death of me too.

Susie is a great lady. There's that side to her. I visit her because really, I don't have that much else of a social life in general. Most days are spent in loneliness.

A guy on the internet said marriage is all about the wife humiliating you. She expects you to attend her functions or do things for her. But she will never attend your functions or do anything for you. 

If it's possible to die of a broken heart, I'll be dead I don't know when.

I ask Jesus to help me but I don't know if he will.

That's why I presume that I might die of mental collapse in less than a year. Or else get really strange dreams or even an out of body experience. I fear that. I'm fucked. I'm done. Or maybe not. We shall see as the future slowly unravels and reveals itself. Maybe the handicapped lady will be moved into assisted living soon. I hope so. 

I am thoroughly exhausted. I will try to quit smoking again. As soon as possible.

And mid life crisis too at age 51. It's a perfect storm.

Will I be around in ten years or even one year? I'm not sure. 

I could and never would be a father. I'm neither a good provider nor a good protector. A father has to be good at these things. And at age 51, is that something that I should think about?

The world's population is 7.7 billion. To have 2 children means that you are OK with the World population staying at 7.7 billion a generation later. Never mind ego, you are adding to the problem. To have even more children than that would just increase the problem. Having 1 child only means in a generation or more the World's population could be halved to 3.8 billion. 

The Royal BC Museum currently has an exhibit that says by 2080, the average temperature in this province will rise between 5 and 8 degrees. What kind of World would any potential future children have to live in? Knowing that makes me personally glad that I never had and will never have any children. Parental burnout is a very real thing. I wouldn't take that on either. Because unlike a lot of people, I think things through. 

Anyone who kills themself is a murderer. A murderer of self. That's why I won't do it. Ever. However the idea of dying as long as God does it is tempting as I don't know if I have the strength to go on. However the life review is gut-wrenching for anyone and everyone. God, please help me with my life. 

There is no covid vaccine for under 12. And with the Delta variant, is it smart to send children to school? Why not homeschool for a year? However lots of parents work and can not afford daycare. A lot of parents are abusive. School was somewhat of an escape from that. There could be a covid vaccine for children in midwinter, according to the internet. 

If I feel burnout, I won't go to the James Bay Inn for dinner if I have jangled nerves. I will wait until I feel better. 

On the plus side, my left nostril is completely healed.

I wake up with fear but that means fuck all. It's the same irrational fear as someone who is in another country on a three week vacation. The first few days, they wake up afraid, being in a new country. It's the same fear as someone who has been released from a long prison sentence. The first few days, weeks, wake up afraid. It's the same kind of bullshit fear that made me scream when I saw the super blood moon through binoculars a few days after seeing the movie Melancholia.

I will get out of this. And I'm will be better than ever before. I've had crises before and I got out of all of them. It will go as suddenly as it arrived. I have a bright future.

Vaccine passport soon required to visit restaurants, movie theatres. That will kill the business in restaurants. Take out is still available. To get the passport, you need to download an app. A lot of people don't have smartphones or tablets. "Let them eat cake."  How would that work? Presumably, this will be temporary so you can visit your favorite restaurant - next year. Hopefully, no one threw away their vaccination cards. But what if they lost it? What a terrible idea. Again, not thinking things through. What were the chances of that? Life seems to get worse, sapping me of the will to live. I don't know how much longer I'll last. I'll die of mental collapse. 

The Royal BC Museum has an exhibit called Hope Meets Action. It's about Black people in BC. I visited it. One wall display reads that Black women were the guiding light in their communities, however Black people once faced profound racism. 

The title of this blog post is misleading. There is no hope. However don't believe everything you read on the internet or anywhere. 

"Pantopobia, fear of everything." "That's it!" Charlie Brown Christmas special.

Thing will only get worse and worse. I see no hope. I don't know if I will be around in one year, let alone ten years. Total despair. Other than that, things are fine. 

"Who shall decide when doctors disagree?" Alexander Pope

So much contradictions. One religion says there is reincarnation. Another religion says that there is no reincarnation. One doctor says stretches, stair stretches and towel pulls help relieve plantar fasciitis. Another doctor says that wrecks plantar fasciitis and the best thing to do is to stretch pulling the toes downward rather than upwards. So confused. The media says that the coronavirus vaccine is safe. Someone I talked to said it is a time bomb and anyone vaccinated will be dead in a few years. I got two vaccine shots so, well, I don't know what will happen. 

So much contradictory information on the internet.

The planet Mars is contradictory. It has the temperature of the Arctic but has the look of the Sahara desert or else the Atacama desert and somehow, that planet has been able to make it work, but not for any habitable life. 

Quite often, I have my morning coffee situated near the Legislative Buildings as all problems wither under the glare of good government. However, for the last few days, there is someone there on a hunger strike. Today, Sunday 22nd August, there is a man there on a hunger strike. He is protesting for Old Growth Forests. Today is supposedly Day 5. How does one go 5 days on a hunger strike? Wouldn't they already be dead? When one doesn't eat, the gastric acids of the stomach starts digesting the stomach itself! He probably sneakily eats a club sandwich at midnight. Is he a breatharian? Delores Cannon said she met a few breatharians and she said there are 30,000 of them in the World. Jeez, just when you thought you knew someone. The internet said there is no such thing really as breatharians and to even attempt it is highly dangerous. Duh! I'm surprised that the Police didn't take him to the mental hospital. I'm going to avoid that area for awhile. I don't want to be seeing any breatharians. 

A global pandemic isn't traumatic enough for that guy. He has to go on a hunger strike too!

I haven't been visiting the lady in a wheelchair for a few days. I don't want to visit her ever again and I hope she gets sent to assisted living. She is really depressing. She doesn't wash her face, her feet are black all over with dirty smudges and the bottom of her feet are pitch black. She smokes two cartons of cigarettes a week which is worse than people in Vancouver's downtown Eastside. Not even they smoke that much! And her room gets dirtier in a week than my room does in two months. I used to clean for her all the time but being a creature of habit, I don't want to do that anymore. Too draining. But when I don't visit her, I get the same kind of guilt as someone would if they punched a helpless cripple in the face on the street and then walked away. Guilt trip, emotional blackmail. 

The landlord said that I don't have to visit her. Douglas Bloch said,  One of the causes of stress is fear of not being able to cope and fear of relapse.

Every day I see the cops of course. But on some days, just as I leave the building, they are there driving past. When I left Church, they were right there circling the Church. I wonder if they're after me which adds to the general overall fear. But they didn't talk to me which they could at anytime. They know where I live and have visited me a few times over the years for minor and incidental reasons, mostly to ask questions about other people. 

There is several people in town who are really crazy, yelling panhandlers, and people who are obviously cross dressers, etc yet they don't worry about going to the mental hospital. 

The News never talks about covid case counts amongst the police because the nature of their operations like the military is classified. Maybe they don't get covid because they are too well protected. 

From all this, I don't know how much longer I'll be around. One day at a time. 

Some aspects of this pandemic will never go away. Sales tax was introduced in WW1 and was supposed to end after the war. It never did. Increased scrutiny at customs after 9/11 never went away. 

Anti vaxxers. There will always be those who are into conspiracies. Alex Jones, Q-Anon.

Why smoke drugs? If you want to get paranoid, just watch the News.

When there is a crisis in your life, God is telling you that there is something in your life that you must change. You may have offended the Gods. "Problems in life are the roadblocks that your higher self placed in order to direct you back to yourself." Dr Gabor Mate

Lose-lose situation or win-win situation. Glas half empty, glass half full.

The next step of Covid in BC is entry to places requires a vaccine card. Places will still be open. Phase 4 of reopening will be sooner than anticipated. We are now in phase 3. Phase 4 including stadiums, concerts, nightclubs will require a vaccine passport. Even the vaccine passport will probably end on January 31. Probably but not guaranteed.  If there is another variety, like Lamda, that will require one or two more booster shots but probably one. Pharmaceutical companies and their shareholders need to make money. It will be like a Venn diagram with the overlapping circles of full reopening contingent on having a passine vaxport. If one has a vaccine card from the vaccinations, it would be an idea to get it laminated at Monk Office supplies for $1.30 or else at Kinko's or wherever.

I get these micro panic attacks every day. I suspect hormonal changes.

I was right. As one gets older, cortisol and epinephrine and norepinephrine which are all hormones increase. Epinephrine and norepinephrine belongs to a class of compounds known as catecholamines. 

Epinephrine is found only in alpha receptors located in the arteries. 

Norepinephrine is found in alpha and beta receptors found in the heart, lungs and arteries in the skeletal muscles. 

All of this isn't reassuring. 

Also for men testosterone decreases slowly in men as they age. 

For women, estrogen decreases more rapidly leading to menopause. 

Old age is quite the party. However as long as one is healthy, an old person can be quite chipper once they pass through the gauntlet of midlife crisis which is what I'm going through. Midlife crisis is about nothing as it's mainly psychological. I should have done this or that but didn't do it. Get married, have kids, get a sportscar, be more rich. All of this is ego. They are wants and not needs. 

Tobacco smoking creates slight dopamine levels which then sharply decrease epinephrine and norepinephrine levels, all of which wouldn't otherwise be there. 

The News is super scary these days and perhaps always always will be. They're getting back at all the people who increasingly write mean letters to the News outlets and also to the government too, as they're probably in on it. Before, a politician might get a few crank letters. Now with the internet and social media, they get a Niagara Falls torrent of mean letters from conspiracy nuts. All of this is not reassuring at all. 

"Write us mean letters will you? In return for that, we are going to scare the bejesus out of you!" It sure seems like that. Again with the record setting cases of covid. 

The News and the government doesn't have time to parse who wrote the mean letters and who didn't because thanks to their precious endemic Us vs Them structure, they figure that we're all in on it. Fucktards!

Scary News stories can increase epinephrine and norepinephrine levels. Only watch the News very sparingly. As least as possible, only to get the crucial information like vaccine passports, etc. Watch once a day or once every few days for only an hour a day. News stories repeat all day anyways in an hourly loop. 

How do News anchor dispense this crap without going home and suffering a crise de nerfs or else a nervous breakdown and go to work dispensing these stories with a smile? 

Deconstruct. The increase in cases only affects the non vaccinated and most are outside of a one mile radius to where you personally are or where the News anchor personally is. Most cases are non-serious, symptoms are non-symptomatic to mild symptoms fully recoverable and a lot are co-mordity cases. 

Dr Mike on YouTube said hospitals get paid $13,000 per covid patient and $130,000 per covid patient if they are hooked up to a ventilator.

He said it saves money. For eg, some covid patients cost $5,000 to treat while others can cost up to $25,000. Rather than tedious accounting, the hospitals reached a deal with the government to receive an average subsidy from the government per patient. That's only if the patient is listed as having covid and not their other co-mordity diagnosis. A patient dies of a heart attack but had covid in their symptom that wouldn't have otherwise killed them. Cause of death: Covid-19, of course. Sneaky sneaky!

It's a subsidized pandemic or a pandemic of subsidies. 

I spoke to one person who must be a conspiracy person. He said, "Nobody I know has gotten covid and I know a lot of people. The vaccines are a time bomb. But it doesn't have to affect you if you're not scared to die." This is after telling him I got two doses of covid vaccine. It's not legally required to get even one dose but the News said there is a moderate to strong chances of getting covid and dying if you don't. The vaccines set up some kind of antibodies hegemony, of course. Or whatever kind of hegemony, endocrinal hegemony, whatever. Hormonal hegemony, ha ha. 

Global national News program: " Hospitals are bracing to be overwhelmed." Overwhelmed with government subsidies, that is.

I am going to a restaurant. I am mulling over whether to have roast lamb or else beef steak. Decisions decisions. The mulling over can bring about a micro panic attack. 

Don't get hung up on certain restaurants or specific menu items. It's just in incidental. This menu item, that menu item, whatever. Go to that restaurant this month, if not next month or even next year. Or never. Who cares? Food is just something you stuff in your face. At least it's not at the level of the $100,000 pizza as shown on YouTube. Someone who could afford it might be thinking, get it or not? Meanwhile there are good food lines in the city that offer a great full course meal for free. 

I think I'll be single for life. Committment issues, relationship burnout, erectile dysfunction. I don't see any hope for the future for myself.

Hope for the future. There is hope for myself. I might move to a better place. I might meet a lady whom I will really like and that's in spite of myself and in spite of herself. I could travel to England. I could get some kind of money for my cartoons. I could move to a really great town. I could travel to Thailand again. The pandemic will be over one day even if it's a year or more down the line. It will be edgy but survivable. My currently minimal social skills could vastly improve.

Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2021. Charlie Watts, drummer of the Rolling Stones has died at age 80. RIP, sir drummer. Legacy. Legend. 

Elon Musk is going to send a few people on a flyover past the moon. That's as scary as ten global pandemics simultaneously. How many Earth lengths away from the Earth will it take for extreme panic attack to set in? Most people wouldn't do it. 

Every dark cloud has a silver lining. What could some of the advantages of a global pandemic be? A temporary slower pace of life. People looking out for each other collectively rather than just looking out for themselves individually. People researching and finding out about viruses and viral diseases in general. A sharp increase in knowledge in a short time that wouldn't have otherwise been there. A knowledge and acceptance of the small yet more important things in life previously taken for granted.

Strange as it may sound, in the future after the pandemic, these days will be nostalgic. "These are the good old days." Joni Mitchell

On the RCMP St Roch at the Maritime Museum in Vancouver there is part of the exhibit a radio that plays World War 2 broadcasts and it sounded very nostalgic. That ship would have been a good place to wait out a war or even a pandemic. Of course back then, their minds must have been going into overtime wondering what was to come and imagining the worst. "What if the enemy wins and... whatever." Of course that didn't turn out to be. 

My particular set of friends I have with me today are special and much loved. I prefer to have them with me even or especially during a pandemic than to imagine a time years after the pandemic but they're not around for whatever reason. 

After the pandemic, there will be more times of uncertainty and people will think, "At least we were carried through from one end to the other end of the pandemic and we saw it through and lived. I don't know about these new times to come though." You'll most likely make it through those times too! 

In the future, there will be museum exhibits about the 2020s featuring the covid pandemic and it will be looked upon with a strange nostalgia. 

There are a whole lot of people in a whole lot of towns that I wish I had never made myself known to. I generate a certain kind of energy and they generate another and worse kind of energy in return. I haven't seen a lot of them for years and I sure don't miss them. It makes me wonder if life is worth living. To live life is to be painted into a corner. What was once an escape is now a trap. That eventually happens with any town. I am glad I never had any children as I wouldn't want to impose that onto anyone. Only women generate life. A man is like a cold lifeless rock that generates no life, only a squirt. However no woman can generate life without that squirt, so a man does kind of generate life, that is kind of...

If there were legalized suicide clinics like in Futurama, I might go. I have nothing and noone to live for. It's not like I have a wife whom I love in spite of myself  and in spite of herself. I care nothing about having children. I don't know if I'll even survive to the end of the pandemic so why not just cut out the middleman? I wrote a letter to the DIGNITAS suicide clinic in Switzerland years ago and they most likely reported me to the Police as per their stated policy. DIGNITAS cherry picks their candidates as to who would and could get their services. They usually select people in the advanced stages of terminal cancer of whom all other avenues have been exhausted. And you are more likely to win the lottery than to have DIGNITAS consent to have you as a client. I really can't think of anything to live for now and especially during a pandemic. The only things in my life are mainly tawdry and elementary and not all that much worth living for. 

I feel like I want to give up and join the Sierra club. I probably won't make it through the pandemic anyways. Al these pandemic restrictions are freaking me out. Maybe I could score some heroin. If YouTube is anything to go on, every human is defective, evil and not to be trusted. 

"Culture is not your friend." Terence McKenna

Therefore, there's no point in living in such a world. I mean, is there? 

Dying of covid 19 is square. Dying of a heroin overdose is rockstar. 

I have nothing to live for.

Falling asleep is painful. There are no nerve endings in the brain. Drifting off to sleep, the initial hypnagogic voices phase is painful. Not physical pain, mental pain. I'm done for. I'd rather be dead. Maybe I'm dying. I doubt that I will last a month. Extending the pandemic past Sept.7 to January 31, maybe it will be extended even then. Always pulling the rug out from under our feet. Maybe it's the vaccine. Lots of internet stories about people dying some time after getting the vaccine. Cytokine storm. I probably won't be around for much longer. I'm not long for this world.

I drift off or try to and get a lot of hypnagogic voices and then waking up with no sleep again and again. I'm probably dying. I doubt I will last too much longer. I could be dead at any given week. 

Thursday, August 26, 2021. The usual ravaging issues about overwhelming fear and confusion regarding decisions. Do I eat this or do I eat that? Do I go to the restaurant or not? Do I order this or do I order that? All that would start an avalanche in my head and make my stomach hot. Morris the cat, finicky eater. What the fuck.

The decision making quadrant: 1. What happens if I go there and eat? 2. What won't happen if I go there? 3. What happens if I don't go there? 4. What won't happen if I don't go there? Source: Forbes 

Caregiver Burnout can take months to heal. Or perhaps I'm into my second day of going cold turkey, again, off of tobacco.

I thought of checking myself into the mental ward at Royal Jubilee Hospital. The criteria is if one is in immediate danger of harming self or others. I thought that if I'm still in this much pain in two years, I'd want to die. However I would never score fentanyl to kill myself, I would check into the mental hospital first. 

Before the rocks in the head feeling was like boulders and today it's like regular sized rocks. Before it was like a hot steam iron in my stomach.  Today it's hot steam. Maybe if I smoke weed, it would be like boulders and a steam iron again however, since I quit smoking weed, that's irrelevant. There are times in the day when I feel half ass normal, then it comes and goes again and it is painful. I'd rather be dead. However, I will give it two years. If I check in to a hospital today, I'm scared I might get covid from the hospital, then I'd be dead for sure. Nosocomial infection.

The mind-gut axis. I did hit on something. There are ten times as many probiotics in the stomach as there are cells in the entire body. There are 500 species of probiotics and about 7 strains. I could get OTC probiotics labelled as 5 billion + or 10 billion +, but that costs money and could cause an adverse reaction. Rare, but possible and I wouldn't want that. Yoghurt, Kim Chee, refried beans and sauerkraut and natto too has probiotic qualities. I'll try that. Natto is Japanese fermented beans.

Probiotics are also known as intestinal flora.

Lactobacillus rhamnosus GR-1?

"All disease begins in the gut." Hippocrates

95% of serotonins are made in the gut.* Free your gut, mind will follow.

* YouTube. 6 Signs You Need More Probiotics. Uploader: Natural Ways

I have a brain injury which is what this is. I'm brain damaged.

Especially when the News says shit like, Record number of cases since the pandemic began? Oh, that's original! Really? On what empirical evidence? Fake science and statistical noise.  Mathematically, that's pushing it when the majority got vaccinated and did the measures.  Then the News says in some cases those under 40 got it. In some cases, those vaccinated got it. They're just making it up as they go along. The news is way too scary and too much bullshit. I won't watch it for awhile if ever again.

I wouldn't know where to score fentanyl in this town. The dealers might know that I don't usually score fentanyl, might suspect I'd be wanting to do myself in and wouldn't sell to me, or they just wouldn't care. I won't do myself in. I'd check into the mental hospital at RJH first. I'd give myself two years. A lot of this is self suggestive, hypochondria. Tell yourself you're sick or tell yourself that you're well. It's your choice.

Two years is a long time. I'll probably be get better well before then. 

The usual disturbing hypnagogic voices when nodding to sleep. On a bus today too, I hear one about the Empress  Dowager, "Your decision to drink turtle soup made a difference to and saved a lot of lives." Cray cray. 

Hot weather and rising temperatures is a well known trigger of anxiety, panic attacks. It could get better in the fall. Cold snaps are good triggers too. I'm fucked. 

Fiber rich foods like vegetables, whole grains and legumes like beans are prebiotics which is food for probiotics. 

Beans beans the magical fruit, the more you eat the more you toot.

The area in the gut, the colon and semicolon where probiotics are is called the microbiome.

'Two patients who were wondering why Emily Carr was in the sanitarium. One suggested it might be mental illness and the other responded, "Mental nothing! Her tongue is sharp enough to mow the lawn!"' Emily Carr, Pause; A Sketch Book

My landlord said to me, "You are a bit crazy. But that's the best part about you."

Breathing in deep stimulates the vagus nerve of the parasympathetic nervous system which is good for relaxation. 

Wabi-Sabi. Japanese concept. Imperfection is the reality and the ideal even in regards to health. To chase an impossible or difficult to maintain perfection is folly. Accept and embrace whatever imperfections in oneself, in others and in nature.

Natto.

Re: Vaccine passports.

They've already done it internationally decades ago, but theyre going to do it domestically too. There's a Provincial and federal interprovincial vaccine passport. If you're rich, that's one thing, but if you're poor, there's no more just moving to a new town and going on a staycation because that's a threat to the toe the line thug gangsta agenda of whatever backwater shit hole towns you are from. Ostensibly, to keep you safe, you can only stay in the town for 30 days then you have to leave, just like a passport. Enforced by search, stop and frisk. This is a good thing. Too many people show up from other towns and Provinces and start tent cities and place a burden on the already low vacancies in any town. This is a solution to the housing crisis. This keeps out the riff-raff.

Such a system makes it easier for them, civic governments,  to maintain rent controls and to kick out any undesirables and undisciplined adult delinquents they don't want and to keep and co-opt those whom they do want as presumably one can apply for a procedure to convert those passports into citizenship papers just like under the international system.

This would only work to a certain extent because even under the international system, there are certain legal loopholes resulting in illegal aliens, millions of them in any given country. In essence, people who can be counted on to do menial work and to have no voting rights. 

I admit, this is all bullshit guesses on my part. Every town needs skilled people from other towns. Freedom of movement within a country is enshrined in the Constitution. Under such a system, how would humanity go from being a Kardashev zero to Kardashev one species? What about the tourism and hospitality industry. People from other towns enrich any given town bringing new and fresh insights. Who knows what will happen? I'm glad I'm in this town and not any other so I'm fine with this. I'm glad I'm not stuck in any backwater jerkwater shit hole dead hole of a town with barely any infrastructure that thinks it's the center of the Universe or else a sprawling city with a mismanaged slum area that with the passage of decades only gets worse and worse and worse, with an open drug market, thieves market and which at all times smells like a fetid urinal, a toilet, and a plethora of human B.O. aroma un-therapy smells like chocolate milk and peanut butter all throughout the slum. Fucking bonkers! I wouldn't want to be stuck in a shit hole town like that! 

Lots of the really big cities have really incredibly slummy areas. The really small towns don't have that, or at least not nearly to the level that big cities do.

Covid-19 is deemed a provincial health crisis, but would these septic pissy smelling slum neighborhoods also be deemed a health crisis? Not so much.

YouTube comment: "A human pees on the average of 7 times a day. Imagine the smell of 15,000 people living outdoors year round in that slum?" Reply: "Do you think they hold their poop in?" 

The problem with this line of thinking: All or nothing thinking. Black or white. No grey area. Perfect or imperfect. Life isn't like that. Some towns have too many people. Other towns don't have enough people and their populations are shrinking. These towns even publish magazines inviting people to move to their town.

Vaccine passport extends to patio dining room. However, before they said patios are safer and when there was an all out restaurant ban, patios were exempt from that ban. More mixed messages. It's grocery forest and takeout for a few weeks or months. Save money.

Mixed messages. Covid cases. We're talking record setting since pandemic began and climbing. It's at the point where vaccine passports are needed on Sept. 13. Yet it's somehow supposed to be safe enough to hold a Nationwide federal election on Sept 20, one where you don't need a vaccine passport to vote. Baffling. That's irresponsible. Fucking bonkers! I'm not voting! Only an idiot would vote under these circumstances.

When Premier John Horgan called the election on October 24 2020, at that point it had been 7 months into the pandemic with record number of cases since the pandemic began, yada yada. When the US has their election on Nov 3 it was 8 months into the pandemic. Now it's a year and 6 months or else 18 months into the pandemic with record cases since the pandemic began which is a different dynamic from the time stamps of other previous pandemic elections beforehand and it's still fucking happening?! And with no financial pandemic relief?! Fucking unreal!

They will be held accountable for this because karma is a bitch.

Ha ha! Even the Taliban wouldn't have an election under such pandemic circumstances but that they don't have elections at all is incidental. 

The election was announced weeks ago before the sharp rise in case numbers. Couldn't the Canadian government think on their feet and pivot like a basketball player and cancel or postpone the election? 

It's easy for health officials to come up with all these measures. They don't own restaurants and businesses, nor do they have to worry about enforcing these rules, so to them it's just some big joke. They're restaurant owners, what are they, quasi-doctors too? Division of labour or what! Like regular passports, vaccine passports can be faked and forged. Hardly foolproof. Class action lawsuit?

Let's face it, all it empirically demonstrates is whether someone is holding a passine vaxport or else a forged facsimile of one. It does not empirically medically prove whether someone really got vaccinated or not. For that, you need a medical assay or test. And restaurant owners, let alone restaurant staff have the qualifications or authority to do that? Medical health authorities are airheads implementing airhead policies. These policies really make us all safer? 

Meanwhile restaurant staff don't necessarily have to be vaccinated. What can you say? Too intense yet not intense enough. Arbitrary whims. Half-baked airhead policies. What were the chances of that?

All this is about cutting our civil liberties. The ones in charge, have a million times more money than the rest of us, but are they a million times as happy? Absolutely not. For all that money, they are still very jealous and bitter and depressed people. 

"Ask yourself, are you better off now than you were 4 years ago?" US President Ronald Reagan, 1980

Regan is dead, but the politician he was referring to is still alive.

I'm not voting in this election, I'm completely politically disaffected and don't believe in any of them including PM Justin Trudeau. I wish him the best, however, I'm not voting.

After the forest fires burned down the forests in BC do you think that they'll be replaced with more forests? No. It will be more backwater prosaic suburban stripmall real estate development and/or farmland. And those towns burning down were a massive controlled fire, fire insurance scam and the government is raking it in. 

More bullshit guesses.

Don't ever lose that imagination!

I feel depression related to gastro intestinal issues every day. I won't ever have any children. Most children, most people can expect to inherit a life of mostly fear, depression, despair and hopelessness. Noone anywhere should have any children ever again. The entire human species should be discontinued. There should be suicide clinics for anyone of any age at any time who wants to give up on life. I've pretty much given up on life. 

Friday, August 27, 2021

This is the Emily Carr print that I ordered off of Amazon for $15. 

For some strange reason, and I hope I'm not speaking too soon, I feel a lot better today. World's better. No more rocks in my head and steam in my stomach. I quit tobacco. Day 3 today. Day 2 of quitting is usually the most painful. I'm eating probiotic foods like sauerkraut and refried beans. 

I went to the Art gallery of Victoria today. There is an Emily Carr painting exhibition otherwise I wouldn't have gone.  There were other really good exhibits there including an artsy Chinese movie theatre and pottery from the 14th - 16th Century including Ming Dynasty and Qing Dynasty blue cobalt on white porcelain pottery. Other exhibits as well. 

I walked away from there with thoroughly good vibes. 

Douglas Bloch said, "Don't give up five minutes before the miracle." I was going to report myself to the mental hospital yesterday, either that or kill myself with a fentanyl overdose. I felt that bad. Wretched.

I feel real good today. Can't explain it. Don't know why.

I still fear the next ten years, I'll be 60 or over then. Old! But if I'm feeling this good or better most of the time, it might not be so bad.

"There is an old Russian saying, When things are going good, it's better not to ask why." Oz

Yesterday on Thurs. August 26, I got a senator Jar Jar action figure. The action figure represents that I can be something better in my 50s.

I wouldn't be a politician! Which political party? Which affiliation? I think I'm mostly centrist rather than Right or Left. Civic politics, one can join any party, no one knows or cares what affiliation the parties are, city or civic politics is so small scale.

If I'm popular enough, I might be called to politics. This action figure was right in the window otherwise I wouldn't have seen it. That was a calling of sorts. 

I would actually be scared to be a politician. So much criticism on social media and also hecklers all the time.

Forget politics. The Jar Jar action figure represents something better for my 50s and beyond.

That's if I don't get coronavirus and die in the meantime. The way the news is going on, I think I'll probably get covid and die. Life is only somewhat moderately worth living. That means no more doing something and getting nothing in return. No more generating a certain kind of thoughtful energy and then getting thoughtless energy in return. No more of life setting me up with all these extraneous bullshit personalities. But the dreamworld afterlife is full of annoying bullshit energy. 

I'd never have to worry about being a father, raising children and parental burnout. Now that I'm over 50, is it something I'd have to worry about anyways?!

I'm really glad I never had any children. The human species is a shit species. I put on my PCAD cartoon. It's a good cartoon. Only 5 views. This happens often. Therefore the human species is shit and I'm glad I never contributed to bringing any more humans into this world.

Saturday, August 28, 2021

This morning, I had coffee and breakfast at the James Bay Inn or else the JBI. That's just one initial away from the FBI! Good vibes, great restaurant.

I visited Sidney BC today. If I could handle traveling to a town that's somewhat far away during a pandemic, I could even more handle walking down the streets of my town during a pandemic. Sidney is a beautiful town. Crowded streets. Good vibes. The town of Sidney is so far away that even on the highway, the signs for the politicians of the federal election have different names than of the politicians names of the signs in my town.

I didn't eat at any restaurants there. I usually do but since it's a pandemic, I couldn't. Nervous. I still wonder if I'll be alive in a year and I thought that all throughout my visit in Sidney. I'm also thought that I'm 51, old, over the hill.

Next time I visit Sidney in a year or two and when the pandemic is over, I'll eat there again. Today, I was freaked out there the whole time but I tried not to show it.

Not eating in Sidney BC left room in my stomach for me to eat at Our Place community centre. I love the people at Our Place CS. They are street people some with issues but they are all more together and braver than I am. They all seem pretty chipper! They're not chronic worriers like I am. I am a chronic worrier. They don't seem to worry even half as much as I do. They are inspiring people and I love them. Although they may or may not know that.

I'm thinking of getting a job. The choices are a toss up between dishwashing at a Vietnamese restaurant where the staff are and have been friendly to me and I have somewhat of a rapport with them or being a sushi chef at a restaurant since I am an artist and good with my hands, I could make good sushi. Or else be a kitchen helper at the James Bay Inn. The internet says that the JBI has Emily Carr ghost incidents. I think I had an EC ghostly incident. On the morning of Friday August 27, I was reading The House of All Sorts near and within view of the house the book was based on. I was sitting on the lawn in Beacon Hill Park. At one point, I saw a grey squirrel run past me. It had a nut in its mouth. Maybe that's a sign from Emily Carr, she knows I'm a fan and will watch over me, even help me with my art career. Again, that's a million dollar imagination I'm working with. Probably not. Squirrels are often seen in parks. I would move to the James Bay In if I could move there. There are a lot of job openings in this town. I will ask about hours and wages. 

At the RBCM, there was an exhibit, a burned mask with the heading, 'As soon as the Priest said you should forsake your old items of previous religions if you want to find favour with the Lord' or words to that effect. 

The Priest at the Church I go to said that last week. It prompted me to get rid of a few Buddha statues I've been meaning to get rid of anyways. I don't want too many objects cluttering my room. They were cheap $2 Buddha statues. 

Religions are usually asshole like that. Priests like to tell you how you should live, way too much unsolicited advice. And they believe that anyone who doesn't belong to their religion is going to hell. 

Emergency, sort of. I misplaced my favorite tablet stylus yesterday evening. It's one that I got from Walmart for $7. It's an advanced space age one that lasts and lasts and lasts.  I misplaced it lots of times before and have always found it. It has white tape around it. It's probably around somewhere, maybe even right under my nose. I spent three hours looking for it last night. I have a spare but that other one had sentimental value. 

-9:40 am. I found the pen! 

But that doesn't change the fact that I'm 51, over the hill and can only look forward to the usual doom, senescence and decline and boredom and wretchedness that comes with old age. It only gets worse from here on I. For anyone who's 51. I truly believe that.

Mon. Aug 30, 2021.  Fucking Newsweek magazine. They talk about the doomsday variant of covid. And 'how worried should you be?' How simplistic. Scaremongering to sell magazines. There are hundreds of deadly diseases just as deadly like ebola, tuberculosis, etc. There are viral diseases like covid, there are bacterial diseases like bubonic. 

That's as simplistic as saying there's only one type of probiotics when there is verrucomicobria, proteobacteria, bacteroidetes, firmicutes, actinobacteria,* etc

*Source: YouTube. Should I take probiotic supplements every day? From: ABCscience

Bullshit. Law of declining virulity. Prof Theobald Smith. Viruses get more transmissible but weaker with each succeeding strain mutation. Symbiosis, parasitism, parasites do not want to kill the host, if the host dies the parasitic virus dies. 

Rest assured, no one reads this blog. It's fricking all over the place crazy.

I went to Sidney BC again today. I went with my scooter. It's an adventure. Sidney today with my scooter. London England tomorrow with my scooter? I doubt it.

Every day now, a I feel confused and freaked out and doomed. When will I feel confident and happy? Perhaps for the first time. I've always been a scared little shit.

August 31. 

Angela Dodson: I guess God has a plan for us all.

John Constantine: God's a kid with an ant farm, lady. He's not planning anything.

From the movie Constantine

I look at a Church which is a monument built in honor of God. God protects and guides all of us. That's the ideal. But is that the reality?

I really don't know if I'll be alive in a few months, let alone a year. Get covid, be taken to the hospital and euthanized and die.  

Meanwhile, always, before I know it, it's Sunday again. I go to Church. It enhances Sunday vibes and it is a chance to talk to some much loved people whom I've known now for years.

If I die of covid in the next few months, I won't have to worry ever again about will I have enough money to make ends meet.

I won't have to face another few decades of loneliness and disillusionment.

If I were to be otherwise married, I wouldn't have to worry about committment issues, trust issues, hanging on words, and relationship burnout. 

If I were to have children, I wouldn't have to worry about parental burnout and being on the hook for child support. Parental burnout on top of relationship burnout, compound burnout, like compound interest.

All these worries gone if I die of covid. Otherwise..... so either way I win!